The Muffin Man

Dinky Trouble

     You don’t see a lot of scientists who know how to handle a snatch and grab operation and leave no witnesses, but I wasn’t always a lab geek. I’ve been many things, but it was only when I discovered the existence of the equines that I found my true calling. I stopped dicking around in grad school and eventually got my doctorates in both theoretical physics – the only route I could think of that might grant me access to other realms – and biology – which would give me the tools I needed to make a proper study of a new species. Now I’d done it. I didn’t give a fuck that I had probably revolutionized energy production by successfully harnessing the power of cold fusion, or that I’d created the first functioning wormhole; all that mattered was my true interest: to capture one of these strange creatures. I’d selected the wall-eyed one for various reasons. For starters I knew she’d be easy to lure back to my lab, and secondly she was probably the only one dumb enough to trust me. The fact that I had also obtained her foal was an immense bonus, both because she was a different subspecies, and because I had an extra in case my primary subject failed.

     Once again the details of my return to the lab through the wormhole are foggy. That amnesia effect is quite frustrating. The first thing I remember is Krug.

     “Christ Carmichael! It’s been eight days, I thought you were gone for good!”

     “Time is relative, Johnathan, I only experienced an hour or so. Oh and sorry about threatening to kill you, but I couldn’t have my plans defeated by a bald moron with moral qualms.” He didn’t seem to catch that last, or was too excited to care.

     “This is unbelievable! Where did you go? What was the travel like? Did you bring anything back?”

     “I went to another dimension, the travel sucks, and yes, in fact, I brought two things back.” I unshouldered my pack and lifted the top flap. A smiling face popped out, accompanied shortly thereafter by a smaller, very worried looking one.”

     “My God, what are they?” Krug marveled.

     “Equine creatures of some sort…”

     “They’re adorable!” Krug was probably the most buttoned-down, straight laced, unemotional person I knew, so I found it amusing how taken he was by the little ponies. They were indeed little. Derpy stood maybe three and a half feet tall, while Dinky was hardly bigger than a house cat. “What are you going to do with them?” he asked, his tone suddenly suspicious.

     “The same thing we do with all new phenomena,” I said in what I like to think was a sage sounding voice, “scrutinize, test, extrapolate…”

     “You’re not considering harming these creatures?” His eyes were wide. Dinky was cowering now, clearly understanding her circumstances. Derpy was still smiling like an idiot.

     “Krug, you don’t want to know.”

     “I cannot allow you to…” he shut up as I reached for my pistol. His head in his hands he beseeched me; “by god Carmichael I know it’s for the sake of science, but have you no soul? Look at the poor creatures…”

     “Johnny, I’ll offer you this opportunity once, and only once. Either leave now and take your morality with you, or join me and become legend.” I knew how badly John Krug wanted a nobel prize, how close he had come before. I believe cold fusion, a wormhole, interdimensional travel, and the discovery of an alien species might bump us up toward that award. A smile slowly crept across his face…until he met Dinky’s eyes again.

     “No, I cannot be responsible for destroying such innocence. I believe, my friend, we have reached a parting of ways, I have no choice but to…”

THWAP

     I hit him square in the jugular with a dart. M-99 works just as well on humans as animals. I didn’t want to kill Krug…he was after all my partner and I probably wouldn’t have been able to construct the wormhole without him, but I couldn’t let him fuck up my carefully laid plans. I dragged him into the utility closet and locked it. The janitor would find him tomorrow morning. He’d be just fine.

     My pack rustled and something went darting out from it. Apparently Dinky had had enough of this scene and decided to risk an escape, making a beeline for the wide open exit.

     She must’ve thought she was home free, leaping toward the threshold of the door. That’s when I hit the emergency shutter swtich. The heavy steel security doors were designed to stop the spread of contaminants in case of an accident. I supposed that’s what they were doing now in a sense…

Dammit.

     Dinky was even smarter than I thought. Her horn glowed, lighting up the dropping door with a pink aura, stalling it for the split second she needed to dodge it’s crushing force. It would’ve cut her in half, but instead only caught her tail. Still, she was stopped. I reloaded my tranquilizer gun and hit the shutter button again, ready to take her down. What I saw both alarmed and impressed me. Dinky was gone. Lying in a small pool of blood was her tail and the little chunk of pony meat and skin that had been ripped off with it.

     “DINKYYYYY!!!” Derpy yelled in sudden panic. The dolt had finally realized to some degree what was going on. “Muffin Man why you hurt Dinky? Dinky’s a good filly! Dinky deserves muffins!”

     “It was Dinky’s fault,” I told the bewildered mare.

     “Oh…really?”

     "Yes."

     “Oh…okay…she’ll be okay right?”

     “Yes, she will,” I smiled at Derpy. “Now have a muffin!”

     “MUFFIN!” The second she bent down to eat the confection I snapped my foot upside her chin, knocking her unconscious. I put two darts in her flank as well, just as a precaution, then I locked up the lab and reloaded my tranq gun yet again. I had a filly to find.