The rest of the movie was uneventful. This didn’t stop me from being on edge the rest of the time. As the lights turned back on and ponies began to stand up and throw their trash away, my group was contemplating what to do next.

I half listened into their conversation.

“Well, what about going to the park? Take a bit of a walk after all that food?”

I grabbed the trolley with food on it and started cleaning up any food that had fallen. Small bags of candies that the fillies had dropped were scattered underneath the seat. I’d have to reprimand them later.

“Actually, I didn’t have that much, why not go someplace to eat?”

“I wanna eat hayburgers!”

“Ditzy, I think it's up to grandpa to decide where we eat.”

“Whatever y’all want is fine, just make sure it's got an omnivore menu.” I said, tossing the trash unceremoniously onto the cart.

“Well, I know there are a couple places that cater to griffons and dragons, would you like to go there?” Dearie asked, following.

Pushing the cart out of the aisle and down the walkway, I stopped in front of the trashcan and started throwing stuff away. Everything that wasn’t going to fit into my pockets that is.

“Sure, that’ll work.” I said, stuffing various bags of candy into my pockets and snapping off a piece of chocolate from a chocolate bar and popping it into my mouth.

“You know, you’re gonna ruin your appetite doing that.” Lockstone said.

“F- frig off I got a stomach for sweets too.”

I left the cart at the front desk, grabbed a couple napkins, then quickly wiped the tops cleaned just to make it a bit easier for the staff.

The group of ponies had already walked outside and were hailing a cab by the time I finished. Once I joined them, I did my usual routine of taking out a handkerchief, wiping my hands, putting it away, and taking out my smokes. Lighting one up, I looked around. The sun was a little past the middle of the sky, my guess would be around one in the afternoon.

The street was full of little ponies. Various colors and marks filled the street as chariots pulled by the same ponies rushed back and forth. Pegasi, being able to fly, would gingerly waft past. Most flying just a head above me, while some choose to fly higher.

“C’mon Clean, they’ll see you hailing a cart better.” Lovie said, nudging against me.

Finished the last of the smoke, I took out my portable ashtray and snuffed it before tossing it in. After wiping my hands again with the handkerchief, I leaned down and scooped Lovie up. Causing her to squeak and struggle.

“You know what, I feel like walking today, care to join me?”

“Dad! Put me down! I’m too old for this!”

“No dad is too old to hold his babies.” Dearie said, using her wings to jump onto my shoulders.

“Damn straight. Hope you two don’t mind.” I said to Lockstone and Keystone.

“A little, but we’ll get over it.” Keystone said, picking up Trixie.

Lockstone sighed and followed suit with Ditzy.

I carried Lovie while Dearie sat on my shoulders. We walked through the slightly crowded streets of Canterlot looking for a good place to eat. Most of the places were herbivore restaurants with the rest being various confectionery and ice cream places.

Luckily, I knew this city front to back. From the less noticeable stores to the back end borderline black market stores. So I knew exactly where to go.

We continued down the street until the way became less crowded, the store I was looking for was made of an old wood, seemingly in disrepair. There were several metal sheets nailed into the wood. These sheets had various artwork and signs painted onto them. In the very center was the largest sheet of all. The words “Macabre Diner” painted on.

“Clean, is this a pub?” Lockstone asked. “Because we have fillies with us you know.”

“Lock, mate, c’mon. I may make mistakes and enjoy a drink myself, but I’m not gonna bring my grandkids to a bar. It's a diner. Like a normal herbivore one. The fillies wanted hayburgers after all.” I said, setting Lovie down.

She shook her legs, trying to recover feeling in them, then lightly kicked me in the shin. Dearie hopped off on her own and stretched.

I pushed the door open and stepped inside.

“Rev up those fryers! Cus I am sure hungry for one of tho-” I ducked as a knife came flying towards me and stuck into the wood just where my head had been.

“Fuck off Clean! You say that every time you come in! It's been twelve years since I opened and you say it every. Damn. time!”

Behind the counter of the diner was an elderly griffon. His eyes squinted with thick and bushy eyebrows covering the top half of his face.

“True, true. But I pay good money when I go come, don’t I? Plus I brought family.” I said, pulling the knife out of the wood and placing it on the counter.

“Wha? You actually brought your family here? Why not take them to one-a those fancy rich pony joints?”

“Because they want hayburgers, and I want some meat brother, think you can help a fella out?” I said, reaching into my bag and leaving 4 bits on the counter.

He raised one of his eyebrows at me.

I pulled out my pack of smokes and pulled four out, placing them beside the bits.

“Hmmmm… Aight, I’ll come take your order, take your seats.”

I took out another smoke and popped it into my mouth, lit it, and showed my family to a table. The mares would sit on the inside of the booth, followed by the fillies, then the stallions on the outside. I would have to pull up a chair from a freestanding table. They all piled in and I excused myself to wash my hands.

Walking into the bathroom I flicked the ashes into my portable ashtray once again and pumped some soap into my hands.

“Two to the one to the one to the three…” I muttered as I washed my hands. I looked around the bathroom and noticed how dirty it was. It took every ounce of my willpower to not start wiping the sink, but I just shook my hands, dried them, and stepped out.

“Oi! Chip! You need to clean that damn bathroom some time.” I called out, walking back to the table. My only response was a grunt from the kitchen.

Looking around the small restaurant, I noticed that the place was surprisingly empty. With there being one other pony family and two griffon families.

The ponies sat around the table talking. The two fillies were repeating some of the more funnier lines from the movie, even if it was mostly slapstick humor. The mares and stallions were talking about plans for the rest of the day.

Chip, the griffon who was behind the bar, walked up with a notepad and feather quill.

“So, what's the order?”

Lockstone spoke up first, “Six orders of hayburgers and fries, two of them get extra pickles and two get extra onions. Four waters, and two apple juices.”

Chip wrote it all down and looked up to me.

“Two Vodka and Cokes, two burgers medium rare, everything on them, and an extra large serving of fries.”

He wrote that down as well muttering about ‘vodka and coke’ before turning around and moving to the kitchen.

“So, Dad, how did you enjoy the movie?” Dearie asked.

“Ehh, not that bad. Reminded me of the three stooges back home. Maybe even a bit like Naked Gun. God I love Liam Nielson. What a fella.”

“Naked Gun?” Lockstone spoke up.

“Yeah, it's an old movie back home. It's about a cop who makes a couple mistakes but always solves the case in the end. That's not a good synopsis, but oh well, it's been a long time since I’ve seen it. It's mostly visual humor and cheap gags, but I’ll be da-darned if I didn’t love it. Owned a copy of every movie that guy starred in.”

“Well, why not try rewriting it? Maybe sell it and have some big fancy moviepony make a good copy of it?”

“Well, it's probably worth a shot…”

Chip walked up with our drinks and informed us our orders would be done in a couple minutes. I took a sip of mine, then a drag of a cigarette, then leaned back.

“Ahhhh, that's the good shit. We used to be able to smoke in stores back home. Then they made a law cus too many people were doing it and it caused people to get sick. Luckily this world has magic and the like, so it doesn’t affect anyone but me. Still, crazy how things work here.”

We talked for a couple more minutes until Chip returned with our food. Everypony dug in while I leaned over to chip.

“Hey, brother what do I gotta pay you to bake a cake or something sweet for everyone?”

He rubbed his chin with a talon and hummed.

“Twenty smokes and twelve bits.” He finally said, holding his taloned hand out.

“Deal.”

I pulled a couple of smokes out and put them into his hand followed by the bits and he pocketed them and walked off.

“What was that about pawpaw?” Trixie said, mouth full of fries.

“Just helpin an old friend out. Now let's dig in.”

It took us about thirty minutes to eat everything. I had finished in about ten to the amazement of everyone at the table.

“Clean, have you ever eaten before?”

“No, I haven’t. First time.”

“Seems like it! You ate so much and so fast!”

“Dunno, I’ve just been starving all day for some reason.”

I leaned back in my seat and sipped the last of my drink, grimacing as it was watered down from the ice melting. I pulled out yet another smoke and lit it up.

“Chesterfield. These were his favorites. Super cheap, but an old brand. Used to call them ‘Goldfinger Classics’ whenever he did.”

“Wha-ow shit.” I cursed as my fingers lightened their grip around the light and it fell onto my lap.

“You okay dad?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m good.”

“You better be good! Cus here comes dessert!” Came from behind me.

Chip pushed a cart up to the table. On top was a normal sized chocolate cake.

“I present to you, Chip’s Ten Layered Chocolate Chip Cake.” He said, picking it up off the cart and placing it in the middle of the table. He then started collecting the rest of the empty plates and placed new ones down.

“Well, to my family!” I said, taking a knife from the cart and cutting a slice of the cake. “Who wants first slice?”

Both of the fillies raised their hooves.

“Well, can’t do rock paper scissors… Guess first slice is mine then.”

Both of the fillies began to whine.

I took the knife and cut the slice in half and put the other half onto a new plate. “There, now both of you get the first slice.”

Both of the fillies were content.

-=- -=- -=-

After everyone had enjoyed a slice of cake, I had Chip put the rest into a container to take home.

Ditzy and Trixie were full and had fallen asleep. Lockstone and Keystone picked up their respective daughters and carried them outside.

I walked over to Chip who was behind the counter again as Dearie and Lovie followed their husbands outside.

“So, any updates?”

The elderly griffon raised a single eyebrow again, looking up at me.

“Are you fu- alright. Do you have any Whiskey - Echo - Echo - Delta?”

Reaching under the counter, he pulled out a small baggy and placed it between us.

“That’ll be 20 darts and 20 bits.”

“Goddamn brother, that's highway robbery. You best be glad Celestia got pissed last time I grew this shit my-Ooooo!”

Opening the bag, it was full of small cookies, all neatly wrapped in plastic.

I quickly took the box out of my pocket and dumped a load of cigarettes onto the counter, then dropped twenty bits onto the counter.

“Hey. Clean. Look underneath the cookies.”

“Hell no, I’m saving the surprise until I get home. Now I gotta go brother, got family to take care of.”

“Aye, and be sure you don’t have anything you gotta do afterwards. Only eat one as well.”

“Mate you got me fucked if you think I’m stopping at one.”

-=- -=- -=-

We decided to take a cart back to the castle. By the time we got back it was already around six in the afternoon.

“Well I’ll be, I thought it was earlier than that!”

“As did I, the fillies are still raring to go too! Dad, would you mind taking them out into the garden to play?”

I looked down at the bag in my hands and to the two fillies.

I had to think to myself, should I resist the temptation and just store them for later?

“Absolutely! C’mon girls let's go and check on the animals.”

Both of the fillies quickly ran off.

“Alright, y’all four have fun. Don’t worry about protection either, I wouldn’t mind more granddaughters, but maybe next time gimmie some grandsons.”

“Dad!”

I walked away, opening up my goodie bag and looking inside. Inside were two different plastic containers of cookies. They were wrapped tightly in what I would assume was plastic wrap. Either to keep the smell out, or to keep them fresh. I pulled out the first plastic container, took the plastic wrap off, and opened the container. Inside were six cookies, all the same size and shape, but with small chocolate chips in them.

“Ooooh, don't mind if I do!”

I popped one of them into my mouth and crunched on it as I walked outside. The sun has yet to set, so the garden was fully illuminated. The two fillies were chasing each other through the flowers.

“Y’all be careful now, keep out of the roses.”

The two of them continued to chase each other, screaming in excitement. I walked over to the large fountain in the center of the garden. It was made of some sort of stone, something too fancy for me to remember the name of. I looked around, letting the beauty of nature enrapture me.

The grass was cut perfectly, thanks to me of course, and the bushes and hedges were all trimmed into geometric shapes, from spheres to cubes. Two in particular were of Celestia and, presumably, Luna. With this were the patches of flowers dotted around, all focusing around the fountain in the center. The fillies were trying their best to run around the flowers, but would occasionally trample some of them.

“Oh yeah, I should eat one of the cookies.” I said, opening the goody bag and looking inside. Inside were two different plastic containers of cookies. They were wrapped tightly in what I would assume was plastic wrap. Either to keep the smell out, or to keep them fresh. I pulled out the first plastic container, took the plastic wrap off, and-

“Wait, did I already eat one?”

While the other plastic container had six, this one only had five.

“Shit, is it kicking in that fast? These are some bomb edibles.”

I wrapped it back up and put it back in the bag and set it down at my feet. Pulling out my smokes, I took one out then set the pack on the stone beside me on the right. Next came the lighter, which I used to light it up. I set that beside the pack as well.

I took a few puff and watched as the gentle breeze blew the smoke away from me. I took out the ashtray and set it to my left, the opposite of the pack. I started to lean back, enjoying the feeling of the breeze across my skin and the feeling of the sun bearing down on me.

Only to have a sudden wakeup call that I was not, in fact, sitting in a chair. I fell backwards into the fountain, gurgling as water filled my lungs and nose.

I thrashed for a couple seconds, before getting my bearings and pulling myself out. My cigarette floating in the water beside me, having been snuffed out by the water.

Both of the fillies had stopped chasing each other to come check on me, giggling.

“Nice job grandpaw! Even I don’t fall in the fountain anymore!” Trixie said in between giggles.

“Yeah, but are you okay pawpaw?” Came from Ditzy.

“Yeah, yeah. Just slipped was all.”

Stepping out, I took off my overshirt and started to shake it, followed by my boots and socks. I tipped over the boot, causing water to pour out, followed by a goldfish.

“Now how the- oh yeah, cartoon logic.” I picked the small fish up and tossed it into the fountain. “Oh yeah, can’t forget that.”

I grabbed the doused smoke and tossed it into the ashtray. I shook my head, causing water to fly about. This prompted both fillies to scream out, still giggling, and run away.

I sat down on the grass in front of the fountain this time, leaving the boots, socks, and overshirt to dry in the sun. I grabbed another smoke, lit this one as well, and leaned against the cold stone.

“Ahhhhh, much better... I think I earned another cookie…”

-=- -=- -=-

The sun began to set.

The wind was still blowing.

I smoked a couple cigarettes.

I was fucked up.

So, it turns out, when Chip said to only eat one, he was right. I could barely stand up when the two fillies came up to me saying they were tired. However, once I stood up, I couldn’t stop moving.

“Pawpaw! Wait up!”

“Ah shit, sorry ladies.”

I reached down and picked them both up.

“Alright. Time to go. I’m hungry. I’m also- actually nevermind.”

I carried both the fillies, plus the goody bag, inside the castle. It was hard to focus on anything as I made my way to the cafeteria.

Inside was my two daughters and my two son-in-laws. They were happily eating next to Celestia. I set both of the fillies down, and they ran over to their mothers.

“Well hello Clean, how was your time in the garden?” Celestia asked.

“Pawpaw fell in the fountain!”

“Oh he did, did he?” The Princess asked, looking at me smugly.

I, for my part, ignored her and found a seat.

“Waiter! Order!” My hand was raised high in the air.

A thestral walked up to me and sat down beside me.

“Well howdy clean, how's it going?”

“Morning Dew. Since when are you a fucking waiter?”

“I’m not, but you’re looking kinda like a snack yourself. Maybe even a full meal.”

I slammed my right arm down on the table in front of her and raised my left hand.

“Well, don’t mind if I do.” She said, biting down onto my forearm.

A waiter pony walked up to me, so I lowered my hand.

“Good evening sir, what can I-”

“I want two fizzy drinks, a steak, medium rare, fries, potato skins if you got them.”

“Right away sir.”

The ponies at the table, minus the one munching on my arm, stared at me.

“I’m hungry.”

Author's Note

Guess who back. Back again. Oats is back. Tell a friend.

I'm writing everything slowly, so don't worry too much about me. Just going thru some stuff after moving out, but I'm still alive so far. Chapters shall come out as they are finished.