Man vs wild vs ponies

Chapters

Bear Grylls will NOT stay out of your shed
Honey badgers are craaazy
Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together
Duct tape, looots of duct tape
Pfft, who needs gravity? Fuck gravity!
Warning: This chapter is poorly written. Oh, and BEAR GRYLLS

Bear Grylls will NOT stay out of your shed

“I’m Bear Grylls. I served with the British Special Forces, and I’ll show you what it takes to get out alive from some of the most dangerous places on Earth” a rough yet smooth voice said.

The voice paused dramatically before continuing, “I’ve got to make it through a week of challenges in the sort of places you wouldn’t survive a day without the right survival skills”

“Now, I’m in the Everfree forest, in the very Western province of Equestria, next to the Dragon Mountains, one of the most dragon-infested areas in the entire world,” It continued seriously, “one wrong move, and I’ll end up sleeping in a cave with a family of dragons. One wrong step, and I’ll end up in the middle of a pack of Timberwolves. One wrong hop, and I’ll be swimming in a swamp with hydras. I’m going to confront one of the deadliest forests in the world. Will I have the survival skills to survive?”

MAN VS WILD VS PONIES

(Sugarcube Corner)

“Ooh ooh, I got one! I got one!” Pinkie bounced around the table excitedly.

Twilight smiled and rolled her eyes good-naturedly, “Alright, Pinkie, your turn”

“Okay, okay,” Pinkie slowed down a little so that she could be understood when she talked, “Can February March?”

The girls’ exchange of confused looks triggered Pinkie’s punch line, “No, but April May!”

She started rolling around laughing as the other mares giggled a little at the obviously bad joke, “Nice one, Pinkie”

“Ooh! Ooh! I’ll be right back! Lemme just go get my joke book!” Pinkie said as she dashed upstairs into her room.

Applejack chuckled a little, “Heh, cayan’t keep’er still fer one minute”

Rarity smiled, “Maybe all the sugar she eats contributes to her erratic behavior”

“Maybe she has ADHD” Rainbow offered.

The girls nodded at this, and continued on with their conversation.

(High above Everfree forest)

The loud roar of the plane engine nearly drowned out the pilot when he spoke, “You’ve got one minute before we’re ready”

Bear nodded, “Right! The camera guy and I will get ready”

He turned, took a deep breath, and spoke to the camera, “We’re here above Everfree forest! Looking from above, I can see that there’s literally no place for us to land! There are trees EVERYWHERE, so I’ll land in the flat area between the mountains and the forest!”

The plane took a right and started flying near the mountains, ready to drop its load.

(Fluttershy’s cottage)

Fluttershy was watering her garden happily in the presence of Angel.

“Don’t you like gardening, Angel? It’s really relaxing” she chirped happily to her dearest friend.

The bunny rolled his eyes at Fluttershy, clearly annoyed with how utterly boring the activity was.

“But I do feel bad,” she admitted, “I normally go with the girls to Sugarcube Corner. I hope they don’t feel angry with me, do you think they’re angry at me?”

Angel facepawed and shook his head.

“Well, they didn’t seem mad, and-” Fluttershy said before she stopped dead.

Angel saw what she was looking at and stopped as well. He hopped onto her back hastily as she shrieked and ran towards town.

(High above Everfree forest)

“You got 30 seconds, Bear! The winds are pretty strong today, so it should blow you to the spot! Get ready!” the pilot yelled to Bear Grylls who nodded.

Bear got up from his seat, looked down, and sighed. Bear Grylls had long ago dispelled the myth of fear from his mind, but even he admitted it was a little unsettling that if something went wrong, every bone in his body would shatter almost instantly.

The pilot shouted as he counted down from ten, causing a sigh from Bear who muttered under his breath, “Here goes nothing”

Without another word, he leapt out of the plane and started plummeting to the ground. When he pulled his parachute, the winds started to carry him to the spot they wanted, just as the pilot predicted.

(Sugarcube Corner)

“What did the filly with no neck use for shampoo?” Pinkie said, clearly excited.

Rainbow groaned, “Pinkie, stop, please, this is getting really old, really quick”

“I agree,”-Rarity rolled her eyes angrily-“One joke was fine, but we don’t want to know every bad joke in the history of ponykind”

Pinkie ignored them both, “Head and shoulders!”

She rolled on the ground in laughter for the millionth time as Twilight facehoofed, “That’s enough, Pinkie, seriously”

“Okay, but one last one” Pinkie read the entire page in a matter of seconds in an attempt to find the very best one.

Applejack opened her mouth to protest, but was cut off by shrieking from outside, “TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT!”

The door burst open as Fluttershy sprinted in and crashed into Pinkie.

“What’s wrong, Sugarcube?” Applejack inquired, trying to calm down the mare.

“Th-there’s th-there’s a dra..dr-dra…” Fluttershy shivered with fear and failed to speak everything that was on her mind.

“You’ve got to enunciate, Darling” Rarity said as she patted her friend gently.

“DRAGON!” Fluttershy screamed at the top of her voice, “FLYING ABOVE EVERFREE, GOING TO THE MOUNTAINS, FLYING REALLY HIGH, GREY AND SCARY! AAAH!”

She fell to the ground and fainted as the girls all stood there, horrified. All the girls, that is, except for Pinkie Pie, who just sat there and giggled.

“Silly Fluttershy, we stopped a dragon once before, we can do it again!” Pinkie chirped.

“This is no laughing matter, Pinkie,” Twilight glared at Pinkie, “what if this dragon is meaner than the last one? And stronger?”

Rainbow rolled her eyes, “Yeah! The last one was kiiind of a wuss”

(Everfree forest)

“I hate my life” Bear struggled as he was tangled in a tree with his parachute.

The winds weren’t quite as strong as they were supposed to be to carry him to his desired point, but at least he didn’t snap his neck landing in the trees.

He turned to the camera and spoke, “Now if you’re parachuting and you find yourself caught in some trees, the most important thing is NOT to panic”

Being part bear, he effortlessly gnawed through the ropes that had bound him to the tree and fell roughly to the ground, “And that’s how you get out of ropes. If natives tie you up as a sacrifice, you can do the same thing”

He took out his compass and nodded, “I’m heading east, there’s a higher chance of finding civilization there”

Bear Grylls sprinted east confidently with an adventurous grin on his face.

(Edge of Everfree forest)

“Alright, girls, we just have to make it through the forest. After that, we’ll just follow the trail of smoke to find the cave. Are we ready?” Twilight spoke sternly to her friends.

“No” Fluttershy squeaked as she put her hooves over her face.

“Too bad,” Applejack stated bluntly as she tossed Fluttershy onto her back, “We’re ready, Twi, lead the way”

All the girls marched west into the forest confidently (Except for Fluttershy).

(Everfree forest)

“Now, if you have sunglasses,”-Bear took his out and put them on his head backwards-“put them on your head like this. Timberwolves won’t know which way to attack you, which could buy you a crucial few more minutes before you see them”

He was about to continue on, when he spotted a pool of clear, clean water.

He grinned from ear to ear, “Ah, this is perfect!”

The water shimmered and glittered in the beam of sunlight that hit it beautifully.

“Good thing I came across this water,”-He took out his canteen-“it reminded me that it’s time to drink my own piss!”

He happily gulped down every bit of urine he had in his canteen and looked back at the camera with a wide smile, “I drink nothing BUT piss! I don’t need…water…yuck! Never touch the stuff!”

He shivered at the thought of letting the foul liquid pass his lips. He couldn’t imagine being in a survival situation where he had no choice but to drink water as opposed to his own urine. Quite frankly, he didn’t think he’d actually be able to if it came to drinking water or survival.

(Somewhere else in Everfree forest)

Twilight was the first to muster up the courage to speak in the creepy forest, “Alright girls, we’ll have to come up with a plan for when we consult the dragon. Fluttershy, you’ll be going first this time”

Fluttershy was too terrified to acknowledge Twilight’s comment with words, so she let out a whimper of protest.

“An’ Rainbow, we don’t want y’all buckin’ the dragon in the face now, y’hear?” Applejack said as she poked Rainbow in the ribs.

Rainbow sighed angrily, “Alright, alright, I said I was sorry, sheesh! I just thought it would be cool to say I bucked a dragon in the face. It’s better than trying to flirt with him to get his diamonds, at least”

Rarity let out a harrumph, “Well, I never!”

Pinkie giggled, but was cut off by a death glare from Twilight, “There’s no need to fight, girls, we need to work as a team if we want this dragon gone. Isn’t that right, Fluttershy?”

Fluttershy let out another neutral whimper and continued shivering.

Rainbow looked at her for a minute, “I think she said no”

They all continued arguing as Twilight groaned, “This dragon had better cooperate”

(The other part of Everfree forest)

Bear Grylls had been sprinting for roughly half an hour now, and he wasn’t even winded. Eventually in his travels, he came up to a small, wooden shack.

He smiled widely, “Aha! Now you see, anything that’s been abandoned by humans is fair game. Let’s see what we’ve got here!”

There was a small note carved into the door that said ‘Stay out of my shed’ on it. Bear had no idea what that meant, so he broke down the door and found very little of value. There were blood-stains everywhere, but nothing to use. Still, even when there’s nothing, there’s something, as Bear would always say.

“Now, if you find an abandoned shack like this, you can always pry the boards up and use the nails, or use the boards to make something of your own” he said as he start pulling up the floor boards with his bare hands (Or should I say, BEAR PAWS).

He removed the nails with a rock and made a small pile with them on the ground. He counted roughly 24 nails in the pile and smiled brightly.

He nodded and turned to the camera, “With these, we can make that worthless clean water useful! There’s bound to be fish in it, and these will make excellent hooks!”

(The other other part in Everfree forest)

For 20 minutes, Twilight had endured the arguing and complaining of her friends, but eventually, she snapped.

“Everypony…QUIET!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, causing all but one of the ponies to stop dead in their tracks.

Pinkie Pie was still talking away, seemingly oblivious to that fact that a unicorn had just yelled in her ear, “and then I said ‘Oatmeal are you CRAZY!?’”

She stopped as well, noticing that everypony there was staring at her, “Oops, sorry!”

Everypony facehoofed as Pinkie Pie grinned widely.

This was going to be a long trip.

(The other other other part of Everfree forest)

Bear Grylls was sprinting back to the pond when something caught his eye; a timberwolf off in the distance trotting along with his comrades.

Bear Grylls smirked with an insane expression on his face, “The hunt as begin”

He got down low and crawled along, whispering to the camera, “Their sap is incredibly flammable, if you can get your hands on some, it will make excellent firewood. Their body is like a walking, unlit campfire”

He narrowed his eyes in focus and began to stalk his prey.

(The other other other other part of Everfree forest)

Twilight sighed, “No, Rarity, it doesn’t matter. We’re here to get our job done”

“But my hooves huuurt!” Rarity whined shrilly.

“I don’t care!” Twilight snapped back, “Your hooves didn’t hurt when we went to the other dragon, and that was on a MOUNTAIN”

Rarity harrumphed, “Fine, but you’re paying for a full-on spa treatment for me when I’m done with this. And Rainbow too, she smells”

“What!? Why you little-” Rainbow resumed her argument once again with the pampered pony, causing another sigh from Twilight.

Why did Twilight hang out with these ponies, again?

(The other other other other other part of Everfree forest)

Bear Grylls was closing in on the pack. It seemed like they had some prey they were going to hunt. Patience. He couldn’t afford to make any mistakes, not now. One wrong move, and the entire pack would be on him.

Bear slowly turned to the camera and whispered, “I was in the British Special Forces. I just thought I’d remind you of that”

He turned back to his prey and slowly crawled along, it seemed like they were getting ready to attack something.

(Just a few meters away)

The timberwolves were crouched down low, now, not wanting to show their prey their position. They needed to be swift and silent, and most importantly, they needed to listen to their pack leader.

They crawled along, and there, not too far in front of them, was a group of ponies. They were being incredibly loud, which had drawn the scout’s attention in the first place. The scout rallied the rest of his pack for a feast, after that.

After getting up close, the timberwolf showed that when the signal sounded, he would be the first to pounce. It was his turn, as his brother got to kill the first one in yesterday’s hunt.

The wooden monster was thinking about which one he would choose first, but eventually decided on the white one, because she looked the prettiest with her white coat. He wanted to see it stained with her blood.

(Just a few MORE meters away)

“An’ you think we smell ‘cause we work all day? Yeh city pony, y’all don’t know the first thing ‘bout hard work” Applejack stated fiercely.

“Hmph! Well at least I have the decency to shower after I do any sort of physical activity” Rarity said in an almost matter-of-fact tone of voice.

“Then I guess you never shower,” Rainbow started in again, “because you never work!”

Rarity was about to respond, when the group stopped dead. Behind Applejack, they heard a bloodcurdlingly shrill howl. When they looked in the direction of the noise, they saw several timberwolves slowly rising from the bushes.

The howl, however, was just a distraction, to draw their attention away from the main force, which they were looking away from.

The timberwolf got ready to pounce on the annoyingly shrill white one, who turned just in time to see it coming, mid-air.

Time seemed to move in slow motion as Rarity let out a scream. The wolf could feel his target’s blood in his mouth as he sped towards it. Any second now, he would dine on its sweet, tasty flesh. It would start with the flank first; there seemed to be the most fat there.

As he was nearing his target, it became apparent to him that he would not complete his mission, as a foot rocketed down from above and caved his head in on the head ground mid-air, killing him instantly.

The strange monkey thing flicked open a weapon of some sort. A knife. It then started gouging out the eyes of the timberwolves with it. The battle raged on as the ponies shrank down like Fluttershy, screaming in terror as this weird creature beat the living tar out of these wooden monsters. Just when they thought one was going to sneak up on him, it took a roundhouse kick to the snout, which splintered and embedded itself in its brain, killing it instantly.

Finally, after the last of the timberwolves had fallen, one final challenger had appeared. The alpha, glaring with its big, glowing eyes. Bear got into his fighting stance.

He smirked with a blood-crazed expression on his face as he flicked his knife closed and readied his fists, “Game on”

The alpha growled fiercely and stepped out of the shadows, revealing that it was almost the size of a bear.

Bear laughed, “You’re almost as big as mum! Almost. And I killed mum. What does that say about you?”

The alpha dove at him in a frenzy and was met with a roundhouse kick to the side of the head. Their battle was near-legendary status, but unfortunately for the alpha, it was no match for the infamous Bear Grylls.

Eventually, Bear killed the alpha. It proved it could withstand a lot of punishment, having taken a few blows from Bear when he pulled off its leg and beat it to death with it.

He laughed maniacally and roared as he looked over his work. He then caught the eyes of the shivering ponies.

He smiled widely, “Well, looks like I saved your lucky arses. Lucky you”

They were shivering, but before Bear turned away to leave, Rainbow had something to say, “That. Was. AWESOME!”

Bear stopped and spun around, “Another human!? Civilization!”

He looked for the source of the voice, and caught the eyes of the rainbow-colored creature that he had just saved, “That was the most awesome thing I’ve seen in my ENTIRE LIFE! Would you pretty please teach me how to do that!?”

She batted her eyelashes in a failed attempt to seduce him as he gasped loudly and dramatically, “Talking, multi-colored WEASELS!”

“WEASELS!?” Rarity exclaimed rather loudly, “I’ll have you know that I am a pony, and I deserve to be treated as such!”

Bear blinked then turned to the camera, “Talking weasels! Who taught them to do this!? Probably the same people that covered them like this! Fascinating! But, as they say, talking weasels means civilization nearby!”

“Uh, who are you talking to?” Twilight inquired.

Ignoring the comment, he rubbed his non-existent goatee, appearing deep in thought, “Hmmm, perhaps you could all help me! I need to make use of these nails as fish hooks. I found a pond of cool, clean water earlier and I think there are some fish in it I can eat!”

“Where did you get those nails if you’re a wild animal?” Rainbow asked, wondering what the buck was going on.

Finally acknowledging one of them directly, he turned to Rainbow and smiled, “I found them in an abandoned shack earlier. It said ‘stay out of my shed,’ but I didn’t stay out of the shed, because I served in the British Special Forces. Does that mean anything to you lot?”

Their eyes widened in realization and Fluttershy avoided eye contact with everypony else, “No, no it doesn’t. New subject, what’s your name?”

“My name is Bear Grylls. I served with the British Special Forces, and I’ll show you what it takes to get out alive from some of the most dangerous places on Earth” he said in what appeared to be a rehearsed manner.

“Um, Mister…Grylls? Was it? Yes, did you happen to see any dragons on the way here, perchance?” Rarity asked innocently.

“Well,” he started, “I was up above the forest in the plane not too long ago, and I didn’t see any dragons. I was up so high I probably would have seen a massive, lumbering creature”

The girls’ eyes went wide in shock, “You can fly!?”

He shook his head, “No, I was in the plane, which could fly”

Applejack raised an eyebrow, “Er, and what exactly IS a plane, there, Sugarcube?”

“Oh, it’s a big, grey flying thingy” he explained rather undescriptively.

“Well, that would explain what Fluttershy saw” Twilight said as she looked towards the shy mare.

Fluttershy finally looked up and spoke, “So there’s no dragon?”

“Nope!” Pinkie chirped, making everypony realize that she had been uncharacteristically quiet for more than five seconds, a remarkable feat on its own, “But Gryllsy here would protect us from a mean ol’ dragon if it came here! Wouldn’t you Gryllsy?”

Bear put on an adventurous pose, “I’m Bear Grylls, and I served with the British Special Forces”

“Er, Mr. Grylls, why don’t you come with us back to Ponyville? We can talk there, this forest air can NOT be good for my complexion” Rarity said, desperate to be back home after this crazy adventure.

“Rrright! Let’s go then! Try and keep up!” Bear exclaimed as he picked up all six ponies and began to sprint.

“Wrong way Bear, WRONG WAY!” Twilight exclaimed as they started running towards the mountains.

Bear stopped and blinked, “I knew that, I served in the British Special Forces. I was just testing you, try and keep up!”

He turned around and sprinted in the direction he thought was Ponyville with six multicolored ponies on his back. This was going to be a good day.

Honey badgers are craaazy

(Everfree forest, moving at near impossible speeds)

Bear Grylls was sprinting roughly twice as fast as your average ostrich on crystal meth; jumping over obstacles with a load of ponies he needed to safely deliver to their homes.

“Maybe if I’m lucky,” he said in between breaths to the camera, “the locals will give me some fresh food and a place to stay. They might even know where civilization is!”

“Uh, Ponyville IS civilization, pal” Rainbow said bluntly.

He didn’t seem to notice her speaking and continued on, “If we don’t make it there in time, I can probably use one of these weasels as bait so that I can catch a predator to eat. It’s important to your survival, however, that you don’t eat the natives themselves. Killing off any of these things can result in instantaneous consequences, and you don’t need any complications when you’re surviving”

Twilight rolled her eyes, “Well, at least he’s friendly”

“WOAH!” Bear screamed as something caught his eye on the ground.

He let go of the girls, who kept flying at that speed right into a large mud-puddle. The girls were shocked at what had just happened, but Rarity was furious.

“What could have been SO important that you had to DROP US ALL INTO THE MUD!?” she shrieked.

He bent over and grabbed something in the bush excitedly, before holding it up in the air triumphantly, “It’s a stick! This one’s perfect! If I just sharpen a stone, I can probably use some of that sap to glue it on and make a weapon. Weapons are important to your survival”

Rarity almost exploded, “SURVIVAL!? THERE’S A TOWN WITH SHOPS AND CURRENCY AND BEDS NOT TOO FAR FROM HERE, YOU DON’T NEED A BUCKING STICK YOU ABSOLUTELY UGLY APE!”

Without answering her, he stuffed a wad of sap into her mouth, gluing her pie hole shut in a rather comical manner, and turned to the camera, “Now if you ever come across a noisy native, you can use some of that sap from earlier to make them stop talking. Make sure you don’t cover their nostrils, however, or they won’t be able to breath”

She flailed about and let out a muffled scream of anger in protest. Her entire body was visibly red at that point, noticeable even through the thick mud, as steam started coming out of her ears. Bear Grylls didn’t notice this and plucked them all out of the mud one by one, putting them back onto his back, and sprinting off again.

“Mmfshm!” Rarity attempted to yell through the thick sap as she flailed about, nearly knocking a few of her friends off.

“Rarity, please calm down,” Twilight tried, “I’ll pay for a full-on spa appointment for you as soon as we’re back, alright?”

The fashionista took a few steamy breaths through her nostrils, before finally sighing and pouting. Nopony attempted a single word of conversation on the trip back to Ponyville. Bear, however, constantly talked to his “cameraman,” causing confusion amongst the ranks of the ponies present.

(Ponyville)

When they had finally arrived, Bear had nearly run through town and into the other forest on the opposite side of Ponyville before Twilight screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA, STOP! I TOLD YOU TO STOP FIVE MINUTES AGO!” for the thousandth time

He stopped, (And thankfully caught the colorful weasels this time) blinked, and stared at the mare, “I knew that. I’m Bear Grylls, I served with the British Special Forces”

“They must’ve been preeetty special to turn out something like YOU” Rainbow said flatly as she rolled her eyes.

“So, where to now, weasels?” he asked adventurously as he dropped the ponies on the ground carelessly.

“Well,” Rarity had finally been able to spit out enough sap to speak normally once again, “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to the spa, and I’m damn well going to order EVERY SINGLE SERVICE THEY HAVE TO OFFER, so Twilight, if you’d be a dear and kindly supply the funds as you promised, I will NEVER have to talk to this RUFFIAN ever again!”

Twilight cringed as her friend’s anger returned, “Um, okay! We’ll go back to the library; I’ll give you your money there. Bear, you’d better come with us, we can talk about everything there, okay?”

Bear was sharpening a rock to a fine point with his teeth (Because he’s Bear Grylls, and he served with the British special forces), looked up, and blinked, “Er, alright, then. Just don’t hinder my travels for too long, I need to find civilization to complete the challenge”

They all rolled their eyes and headed back towards the library. The ponies in town all looked timidly at the creature that had just whizzed past them with six ponies on its back a few minutes ago. When they saw the mane six with him, however, they eased up a little. Twilight had the situation under control, she always did.

“Little do they know,”-Pinkie smiled mischievously-“the word control does not describe her current predicament accurately at ALL”

“Pinkie? Who are you talking to?” Twilight inquired.

Pinkie looked around and realized that everypony was looking at her, “Oh, never you mind Twilight!”

Twilight blinked, looked at Bear Grylls (Who was talking to his “Cameraman”), looked at Pinkie, then locked eyes with Rainbow, “I think he’s rubbing off on her”

Rainbow shook her head, “She always does this”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened in amazement, “What if she is actually the one wearing off on HIM?”

The group shared an awkward silence before Twilight rolled her eyes, “Always the conspiracist, aren’t you, Fluttershy?”

(Twilight’s library)

As they arrived back at the library, Bear walked in and stopped dead in his tracks.

He turned to the camera, “Can you believe our luck? There’s a free lizard meal that just wandered into her home! I’ll get rid of the pest, and that will surely earn me the hearts and minds of the natives”

They recoiled in shock as Twilight shrieked, “NO! Bear, Spike is our friend!”

He stopped halfway in his beeline to Spike and turned around to meet the near-tearful gaze of Twilight, “This thing is your friend, purple weasel?”

Hearing voices, Spike turned from his duties and gasped in fear, “Aaah! A monster!”

“Monster!? Where!?”-Bear flicked open his knife-“I’ll kill it and get myself a free meal”

Horrified, Spike responded by breathing as much fire as he could possibly muster at Bear, knocking him down with the sheer force of his breath, “Hey buddy, that tickles”

The girls blinked, how was he not engulfed in flames right now?

Catching their gaze, Bear quickly explained, “I’m Bear Grylls, I served with the British Special Forces. I’m also part bear, and as a result, I’m fire-resistant”

They didn’t even bother asking how that was possible, so they decided it would be best to nod and accept it; a trait that they would need to adopt in order to survive future conversations with him without rage quitting harder than a ten year old on Xbox.

“…so who’s your friend, Twilight?” Spike inquired, curious as to why there was a fire resistant bear in their home.

“Does he always do this?” Spike asked to nopony in particular.

The all nodded, starting an awkward silence before Twilight decided to break the ice, “Sooo…where are you from, Bear? And why are you here?”

Bear struck an adventurous pose, “I’m Bear Grylls. I served with the British Special Forces, and I’m here to show you what it takes to get out alive from some of the most dangerous places on Earth”

Rainbow sighed angrily and rubbed her temples, “Every time you repeat yourself, I’m just going to smack you in the face, how about that, Bear?”

“Fair enough,” Bear nodded, “but you also have to buck me in the chest as well. Deal?”

Incredibly confused, Rainbow nodded slowly, “Suuure…I guess?”

He smiled, “Good, I like you already, rainbow weasel”

As Rainbow attempted to argue with the clearly batshit insane part bear part monkey, Twilight addressed Spike, “Take note, Spike, we’re sending a letter about this to the princess”

Spike took out his trusty quill and paper and began to scribble down what she said,

“Dear Princess Celestia,

My friends and I have come across some sort of bear that talks, but it saved us from a pack of ravenous timberwolves. The problem is that it’s EXTREMELY crazy, and that it doesn’t look like any bear I’ve ever seen. Any knowledge you have on the creature would be appreciated, because we have no clue as to what we’re going to do about him.

“On the brighter side of the spectrum, he explained that there was no dragon. It was, in fact, a pain, as he called it, which he described as a big flying thingy. The bottom line is that there is no dragon threat, but instead a lost, and possibly scared creature that needs to find its way back home (To a place called British, as he’s reminded us many times). Thank you for your help, and I’ll see you soon, assuming you don’t have more important matters to attend to.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle”

After she had finished, she told spike to add a note at the bottom, “P.S. THIS THING IS EXTREMELY UNPREDICTABLE. It has shown no signs of aggression as of late, but that does not mean it is entirely impossible”

She read over the letter to confirm that everything was grammatically correct and gave it back to Spike to send on its way to the princess.

(Almost past the dragon mountains, in the sky)

“Does Bear even know that there aren’t any humans in Equestria?” the pilot yelled over the plane engine to his co-pilot.

“No, as far as I heard, he saw one episode of ‘My little pony: Friendship is magic’ and demanded that he go there as the ultimate challenge of his skills. They’re only doing this to get rid of him, they know he’s stuck here forever” the co-pilot answered back.

“But I thought everybody liked ‘Man vs Wild,’ why did they decide to get rid of him?” the pilot inquired loudly.

“Something about the creator of the show liking his wife or something like that…but who cares, not our problem” the co-pilot laughed loudly.

“Yeah, fuck him!” the pilot laughed as well, “It’s not like we’re gonna be dealing with any magical monsters or anything”

Right on cue, two large, scaly claws reached up and grabbed the plane mid-air and smashed it into the ground violently. It then crunched the plane up like a tin can and ate it savagely in several chomps. Once the deed was done, the creature roared loudly, breathed some fire into the air menacingly, and flew off towards its cave.

(Princess Celestia’s private quarters)

The princess was enjoying some tea with her sister, “I do enjoy our talks, sister”

Princess Luna smiled, “Yes, ever since we-”

She cut herself off, cleared her throat, and started again, “Ever since I got back, it has been the highlight of my evening!”

The two laughed awkwardly at the accidental, subtle hint to Nightmare moon and were silenced for a few moments. During the silence, a whizzing sound could be heard. The source was determined quickly, as a green flame flew through the balcony window and materialized into a scroll in front of them, landing on the biscuits that had been laid out on a porcelain plate.

Princess Celestia smiled sheepishly, “I’m sorry, I promised no interruptions, sister. Whatever it is, it can wait”

Luna smiled affectionately, “Royal duties never wait, sister. At least read it to see how urgent it is”

Celestia rolled her eyes and opened the letter, “Always have to be the selfless one, don’t you, Lulu?”

Celestia’s eyes moved from left to right multiple times as she read the letter, her happy expression slowly changing into a face of confusion, and eventually distaste, “What is the matter, sister? Is Twilight in trouble?”

“Er, I’m not sure, to be completely honest. I must go to Ponyville after this, do you wish to come?” Celestia offered.

Luna thought for a moment before smiling and nodding slowly, “Well, I do have some paperwork I need to fill out, but that can wait until later. Minor stuff, really, something about telekinetic fish?”

Celestia rolled her eyes, “I skimmed that report as well, and I don’t know what to make of it either”

“Er, right,”-Luna stood up-“well, I grow weary of our tea, why don’t we go visit Twilight and friends?”

Celestia raised an eyebrow, “You don’t like tea, sister?”

“Oh, no, I thoroughly enjoy tea, sister,” Luna explained, “but you see, I have no friends. I wish to get to know Twilight better because I do get lonely, sometimes”

Celestia rolled her eyes, “Maybe if you’d talk to Canterlot ponies mo-”

“I have an idea!” Luna exclaimed with suspicious enthusiasm, “How about NO! They are spoiled, posh brats with too much power that has been bestowed upon them”

The solar princess sighed, “Your loss”

The two princesses flew out of the room without another word, deliberately leaving behind the royal guard to worry about them.

(Ponyville, a few minutes later)

“You DRINK your own PEE!?” Rainbow asked, dumbstruck.

Bear raised an eyebrow, “Uh, yeah? I drink nothing but piss, my rainbow weasel friend!”

“I’m not a weasel!” Rainbow fumed, “I’m a pony! Say it, po-ny, pony, it’s not hard!”

Bear narrowed his eyes and stroked his non-existent goatee, “Wea-sel. Weasel. I don’t see what the difference is”

She facehoofed, and was about to explain why he should have his face smashed in with a briefcase filled with lead, but they all heard a knock at the door. Twilight went over to answer it and found that the two princesses were standing in the doorway.

“May we come in?” Celestia asked politely, to which Twilight nodded with a smile on her face.

Twilight hugged her mentor, “That was quick, Princess”

She came in the room and everypony bowed (Except for Bear Grylls, because he served in the British Special Forces). Bear Grylls gasped in shock and turned to the camera hastily.

“Now, if you’re lucky enough to find a horse,” he said as he trotted over to a shocked Princess Celestia.

“Who are you talking t- WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?” she was taken aback as he mounted her.

“Just hop on and give it a ride. Horses will help you cover ground much faster, with less energy spe-” he said before he was interrupted by a blast of lunar magic that forced him off of Celestia violently.

He went flying across the room before his face got very well acquainted (And just a little intimate) with the wall. Everypony gasped in shock as Celestia looked over to her sister, who had her horn smoking from the blast.

Everypony was horrified, but Celestia managed to say, “Nice shot, Sis”

Luna smiled, “Thank you. Now let us call the Royal guard to apprehend this ruffian”

“Waitwaitwaitwaitwait!” Pinkie yelled obnoxiously as she slid in front of them, blocking the door, “He didn’t mean to do that, honest! He doesn’t know what he’s doing!”

They looked over at him, and saw Fluttershy attempting to pull him out of the wall he was deeply embedded in.

He tried to speak, but his voice was muffled due entirely to the fact that his head was fully submerged into the tree. After about 20 minutes, the princesses used all of their strength to pull him out, and eventually, he was squeezed out and fell to the ground and sat there for a moment or two.

He blinked and stared up in silence at them all, who were also staring in silence at him.

After a long, awkward pause, he turned to the camera, “And make sure that any horse you ride does not have a bazooka genetically modified into its body. I should’ve mentioned that beforehand”

“Are you alright?” Fluttershy squeaked at the violence she had just witnessed.

“Yeah,” Bear got up on his feet and brushed the dust off of his coat, “I’m Bear Grylls, and I served with the British Special Forces”

Rainbow smacked him in the face and bucked him in the chest, causing him to stumble back, “Thank you”

“Perhaps we’ve gotten off on the wrong start, then. My name is Princess Celestia, and this is my sister Luna” the princess offered.

Princess Luna smiled sheepishly, “Hello…sorry about…you know”

Bear tilted his head slightly and raised an eyebrow, “So you’re not horses, then?”

They nodded their heads and he smiled, “Just overgrown, colorful weasels”

“What!?” the lunar princess raised her voice, “Weasels!?”

“Er, Princess,” Twilight said in a brave attempt to calm her down, “he’s obsessed with us being colorful weasels. Please don’t take it as an insult”

Luna averted eye contact once again as Celestia laughed, “A bit edgy today, are we Lulu?”

“Well, he called us weasels! Did you not see how that could be taken offensively?” Luna said in her defense.

Celestia smiled, “It was a complete misunderstanding”

“But there was no way I could have determined that it was a misunderstanding with the information given!” Luna snapped back, clearly getting agitated from the argument.

The solar queen remained calm, “But a misunderstanding nonetheless”

Luna rolled her eyes, and was about to speak, but noticed that Bear was nowhere to be found.

“Uh oh,” she said as she looked around nervously, “where did Bear go?”

Everypony’s eyes widened as they looked around. They had been so distracted with the argument that they hadn’t kept track of that…thing! Twilight checked to make sure that Spike was okay almost instinctively, and uttered a sigh of relief once she saw him tidying up some books and not being gutted or eaten alive.

Applejack sighed, “Ah guess we’d better go after him”

Everypony walked out the door to find the mysterious Bear Grylls. All was silent in the room, save for the shuffling of books and Spike’s humming. Eventually, Bear stepped out of the bathroom, humming the tune of his show.

He skipped into the room cheerfully, “Sorry ladies, you all seemed so appalled about my piss-drinking, I went into the bathroom to do refill my canteen…ladies?”

He spun around a few times, but found no colorful weasels. Only what could have been a nice meal for him reshelving books.

“Lizard thing,” Bear asked, “where are the weasel things?”

He shrugged, “I don’t know, I wasn’t paying much attention to the conversation”

Bear sighed, “I guess I have to go find them, then”

(Ponyville square)

“Alright, princesses, do you know the layout of Ponyville?” Twilight inquired, to which they replied by shaking their heads.

“Er, ok then,” Twilight thought aloud, “maybe if you took the pegasi skyward, you could find him…”

Luna nodded confidently, “My sister can take the rainbow one and I will take the shy one”

Fluttershy timidly raised her hand, “Excuse me, p-princess…”

Luna gave her a gentle, reassuring smile, “Call me Luna. What is it that you need?”

Fluttershy smiled weakly, “Well, I, uh…I want to go check on my animal friends, to make sure he hasn’t…he hasn’t…”

Luna could see tears forming in her eyes, so she put a hoof up to her mouth gently, “Go. Take care of your friends; I will join the other air team”

Fluttershy smiled weakly, bowed, and was off.

Rarity harrumphed, “All I want are my bits so that I can get my spa treatment. I’m absolutely COVERED in mud and I need a makeover STAT”

Twilight sighed, “Just go get your spa thingy done, send me the bill and I’ll cover it”

Rarity smiled in a posh manner, “Fine, I shall be off, then”

“I’ll go with Pinkie Pie and Applejack, we’ll take the ground and ask around” Twilight said seriously.

Pinkie giggled, “That rhymed, that rhymed!”

Everypony rolled their eyes, before Celestia said, “Right, rainbow one, come with my sister and I, we will find this thing”

Rainbow saluted, “Yes ma’am!”

(Twilight’s library)

“Maybe they’re testing me. I am a survival expert, after all” he thought aloud in the presence of Spike.

Spike rolled his eyes, “I don’t think they’d leave you alone without good reason. You should go find them to see if they need help”

“You’re right, lizard thing, they might be attacked by timberwolves again!” he exclaimed as he made for the door.

“They were attacked by timberwolves!?”-Spike dropped the book he was holding in amazement-“How did they survive?”

“I saved them!” Bear exclaimed triumphantly, “I took on all of the timberwolves single-handedly!”

Spike’s eyes widened in amazement, “How did you do that!?”

Bear grinned adventurously, “I’m Bear Grylls, I served in the British Special Forces”

Spike smiled widely, “I don’t know what those are, but they sound cool!”

(Dragon mountains)

The monster growled fiercely as he looked towards Ponyville, “Soon. Soon I will strike fear into their hearts. Soon the familiar taste of pony blood will be on my tongue. Soon I shall have my revenge”

He lumbered to the Cliffside, remembering how they insensitively banished his son from the land, and took off towards the little pony town, chuckling to himself as he went, “Soon”

(High above Ponyville)

“This is just like when we were doing recon for the germane forces not too long ago, isn’t it, sister?” Luna said cheerfully to her sister.

“Yes…but this is an urban setting, and we’re not looking for terrorists, we’re looking for a bear thing” Celestia corrected her sister.

Luna sighed, “You have no imagination, Tia. Stop crushing my dreams”

(Ponyville)

Pinkie Pie was lost in thought, “Okay, okay, what else rhymes with ‘around?’”

Applejack sighed, “Please Sugarcube, fer the love of all that is holy, stop talkin’ fer a minute. Ya were doin’ so well earlier today”

“I’ve got it!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, clearly ignoring her friend, “Frowned, crowned, downed, sound, mound, bound, found”

“If I give ya one, will ya stop talkin’?” Applejack offered.

“Probably not! But tell me anyways!” Pinkie chirped.

“Noun” Twilight answered in her friend’s stead.

Pinkie giggled, “That didn’t rhyme silly! But wait! Let’s think of words that rhyme with noun now! Brown, town, gown…”

Her friends both groaned loudly.

(Twilight’s library)

“…and that’s how I survived in Africa for a week” Bear announced proudly.

“Woah!” Spike exclaimed excitedly, “You’re hardcore!”

“I’m not hardcore,” the survivalist answered, “I’m Bear Grylls, and I served in the British Special Forces”

“That is so cool! We had somepony from the Equestrian Special Forces here not too long ago. I think his name was Kal or something like that?” Spike told him excitedly.

Bear smiled at his new fan, “I should get going”

The baby dragon frowned, “Aaaw, that’s no fun. Stop by every now and then, okay!?”

He nodded, “Right then, see you later, lizard”

(Ponyville)

Bear seemed to be lost in thought, “Now let’s see…if I were a bunch of weasels…where would I go?”

“Well, I suppose there’s no sense in standing around,” he started sprinting in a random direction, “I’ll find them eventually!”

As he sped along, he saw all kinds of wonderful weasels, ones with weird eyes, black ones with holes in their legs, hipster ones, and many more. He briefly considered eating one, because he wondered if they would taste like candy, but he decided against it. His father hid that candy in the medicine cabinet years ago, and it did NOT taste good at all. The worst thing he ate was something called “Neosporin?” He didn’t remember the name of it, but it tasted awful. Bear went to the hospital from eating all that candy, but he survived, because he’s Bear Grylls, and he served in the British Special Forces.

Eventually, he sprinted along a dirt path that lead him to a small cottage with flowers all around near the Everfree forest. It looked so quaint, and the air around it smelled good. If he was lucky, it would turn out to be abandoned, and he could eat whatever animals inside that had made their nests there.

He turned to the camera, “If you ever see a dirt road leading off to a shack of some sort, always always ALWAYS check it out. That goes double if there’s a sign that says free candy. Sugar will give you the energy you need to survive”

He jogged up to the shack and noticed another one of the weasels humming and watering its flowers, “Damn, just my luck!”

Fluttershy dropped the watering can and squeaked out of surprise, “Y-you’re here…please! D-don’t eat my friends!”

He smiled warmly at Fluttershy, “Last time I ate weasels, I got some serious heartburn. I’ll never do THAT again, I can assure you. I’m Bear Grylls, and I served with the British Special Forces”

She was about to say something back to him, but he gasped dramatically, grabbed her, and held her tight, “Get down!”

“Eep!” was all she could say as he laid on top of her to protect her.

“What ha-happened!? Are you going to eat me!?” Fluttershy was paralyzed with fear.

Bear was down to a whisper as he shook his head, not taking his eyes off of the threat, “No, much worse”

Her heart stopped, “What could be worse than that!?”

She looked at where Bear was looking and was slightly taken aback, “A honey badger? You’re afraid of a honey badger? It’s just a timid, little thing; it doesn’t like to fight much. I’ve talked to him before, he’s nice”

“Just a timid, little honey badger!? Nice!?” he exclaimed, “Honey badger don’t give a shit, honey badger badass!”

She blinked, “Oh, no, I’ve dealt with plenty of honey badgers. Besides, you’re part bear, aren’t you bigger than him?”

“Honey badger don’t care, honey badgers are craaazy!” He muttered as he grabbed his yellow weasel friend, “We’re going to go on three”

Fluttershy was incredibly confused at that point, “What!? What do you mean go!?”

After a long pause, Bear spoke again, skipping the useless one and two (Like a boss), “…THREE! Go, go, GO!”

He sprinted back off to Ponyville, still clutching Fluttershy tightly.

“Oh Fluttershy,” she whispered to herself, “what did you do to deserve this?”

Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together

(Running away from Fluttershy’s house)

“Run faster, yellow weasel, the honey badger is gaining on us!” Bear yelled back to Fluttershy who was just barely (Or should I say BEARly) staying conscious.

“I’m not running! You are! And it’s not even chasing us!” she yelled back, so confused and terrified that it was making her sick.

“Oh,” he said as he continued running, “are you absolutely sure? Honey badgers are fast little buggers”

“Yes, I’m sure, I promise” she tried in a soothing voice to calm him down.

He stopped abruptly and caught his weasel friend literally seconds before she was out of his eight-foot reach, “If you insist, Miss Butterfly weasel”

She frowned, “I’m not a butterfly, and I’m not a weasel”

“Nonsense!” he exclaimed rather loudly as something caught his eye off in the distance, “Say, weasel butterfly, do you see that?”

She stopped and turned to look at what he was looking at, “That looks like one of those pains you were talking about”

“Planes, Weaselfly. And they’re not supposed to come and get me for a few more days,” he said suspiciously, “something is wrong”

She rolled her eyes at him calling her Weaselfly, “Then what is it?”

His eyes widened in realization, “Weaselfly?”

She cringed, “Er, yes, Bear?”

He seemed oblivious to her distaste, “You said you’re friends with this honey badger?”

She nodded, “Yes, but I don’t think he-”

He interrupted her by picking her up and sprinting back to her cottage, “We’re going to need all the help we can get. Do you have any duct tape?”

She quirked up an eyebrow, “Duct tape?”

(High above Ponyville)

“So, uh, princesses,” Rainbow attempted to break the awkward silence that had engulfed the group with some conversation, “have you heard of the Wonderbolts, by chance?”

Princess Luna smiled, “Yes, actually, Soarin and I are really good friends. We have tea once a month”

Rainbow’s jaw dropped, “You’re ‘good friends’ with one of the Wonderbolts?”

Luna giggled, “Royalty comes with benefits”

Rainbow fan-fillied a bit silently as Celestia laughed, “Perhaps we could introduce them to you sometime”

Rainbow was at a loss for words as Luna noticed something off in the distance, “Sister, what is that?”

“What?”-Celestia looked to where her sister was looking-“Is that one of those pain things Bear was talking about?”

Rainbow tilted her head, “Whatever it is, it’s coming toward us”

“Sister,” Luna asked, “do you think it could be a dragon?”

Celestia narrowed her eyes, “It could be, but why would it be attacking us?”

“Uh, Princesses?” Rainbow asked.

They turned to look at her, “Yes, Rainbow?”

“If this is a dragon,” she started, “do you think it’s possible that it wants Bear?”

“I…I don’t know” Celestia responded.

A chilling silence once again took over the group.

(Back on the ground in Ponyville)

“Wigglewigglewigglewigglewiggle, yeah!” Pinkie sang.

Twilight cringed and blushed heavily, “N-not in public, Pinkie!”

Pinkie frowned, “Oh, well fine! What else can we sing…?”

“How ‘bout nothin’” Applejack groaned.

Ignoring her peers’ comment, Pinkie gasped dramatically, “I know a good song! I know a good song! Alright, ahem…I’m not a fan of puppeteers but I’ve a nagging fear that someone else is pullin’ at the striiings”

Twilight facehoofed, “No, Pinkie, that brings back some bad memories”

“D’ya know any country music, Pinkie?” Applejack asked her energetic friend.

“Hmmm…” she pondered, “well, I do know one song about our country…Equestriaaa BUCK YEAH!”

“No, no, not that kind of country song! Somethin’ with banjos an’ guitars” Applejack explained.

Twilight was about to interject her opinion on the whole situation when she saw something large above Everfree forest, “Girls, do you see that?”

They stopped and stared at Twilight, “See what, Sugarcube?”

“Well, that, over there! It looks like…” she said as she squinted.

Pinkie gasped, “Could it be a drag-” she exclaimed as Applejack stuffed a hoof into her mouth.

Applejack rolled her eyes, “Careful, now, we don’t want everypony to panic”

“Well, whatever it is, it’s heading towards Ponyville” Twilight said with a roll of her eyes.

“Maybe we should throw it a welcome party to-” Pinkie offered nonchalantly before she gasped and interrupted herself, “I never threw Bear a welcome party!”

Twilight sighed, “We’ve only known him for a few hours, Pinkie”

Pinkie dashed off, “That’s a few hours too many, Twilight!”

“Pinkie Pie, wait!” Twilight called after her, but it was too late, she was gone, “Sometimes, Pinkie…sometimes you make me want to take up drinking”

Applejack frowned, “I already have”

(High above Everfree forest)

The monster flew faster and faster toward his target, Ponyville, and started giggling with a low, evil rumble, “Soon”

The assorted creatures below him scattered in fear at the sight of his massive, terrifying body traveling at high speeds, starting with his horn-covered, scaly head, and ending with his sharp, pointy tail.

The monster grinned with his sharp carnivore-teeth and flicked his serpentine tongue once to take in the fresh aroma of the fields near Ponyville that he was approaching. This was going to be a good day.

(Fluttershy’s cottage)

Bear and Fluttershy had just arrived when Bear tore through the garden in an attempt to find the infamous honey badger, “Bear, I can just call him! Please, don’t pull up my garden like this!”

Bear laughed openly, “Ha! No ever!”

“What does that even MEAN!?” Fluttershy asked, unsure of his sanity at this point (Well, to be fair, she didn’t believe his sanity at any point, but this point was special…Special FORCES that is! BEAR GRYLLS!).

Eventually, he ripped a bush from the ground to reveal a family of timid honey badgers, cowering in front of the massive creature that had just destroyed their home.

Bear smiled and dropped to his knees, “Oh great honey badger, please, assist us in our attempts to save Ponyville! I shall construct a new home for you afterwards, I promise!”

The honey badgers’ family looked around awkwardly as the male whom bear had been addressing looked hopefully up to Fluttershy, who only smiled sheepishly.

Bear grabbed the honey badger, “There isn’t much time! We need to find some duct tape as well!”

“Why do you need duct tape!?” Fluttershy asked as Bear started rampaging through her home, “It’s in the kitchen!”

He moved from the wreckage that used to be her living room into her kitchen and started pulling drawers out, desperately searching for what he needed, “Aha!”

He held the duct tape up high as Fluttershy exclaimed, “What do you need it for!? Please, Bear, answer me!”

He finally acknowledged the panicking pegasus, “I have no idea!”

Awestruck, she was unable to protest yet again as she and the confused honey badger were scooped up into his arms, ready to go, “Onward! To battle!”

She eeped as they started moving at impossible speeds once again towards a massive creature that landed on the outskirts off Ponyville. It seemed to be fighting two flying creatures as one flew away at top speeds towards Ponyville.

(Outskirts of Ponyville)

A dragon doing battle with the royal pony sisters? Surely two goddesses could take down a dragon, but this one was especially vicious, and the sisters were a little squeamish about killing a creature.

It was wrong, in their minds, that the two largest forces of good in the land had to kill in order to achieve their objective. Could they not just talk it out? Did this animal really need to die?

Their questions were answered when a battle-crazed Bear Grylls came charging from the sunset heroically, wielding a massive Zweihänder sword with a small, terrified honey badger duct taped to it, screaming, “William Wallace! Freedom!” repeatedly at the top of his lungs.

Even the dragon stopped dead in complete confusion as Bear turned to the camera, “Now, in order to make a sword like this, just apply some of that sap from the timberwolves to that stone-tipped stick and bake it at 300 degrees for 20 minutes. When you’re finished with that, duct tape a honey badger to it to make a weapon twice as effective as your standard nuclear device. Trust me, I served with the British Special Forces”

Without another word, he threw the massive sword at the dragon, sticking it right on the crown of its head, but not going deep enough to reach its brain, “Damn! Alright honey badger, time for plan B!”

The honey badger, life flashing before its eyes, helplessly flailed about as the dragon reached a claw towards it. When all hope seemed lost, Bear did something that changed everything.

Bear yelled towards his furry friend, “Hey! You! Yeah, you! Honey badger don’t give a shit! Honey badger badass!”

Those words. Those simple words. They ignited a passion in the woodland creature’s heart that raged like a thousand rampaging warriors. A fire gleamed in his eyes as his feral instinct consumed his body and he tore through the duct tape, roaring impressively.

The dragon was helplessly beaten down by the ferocious monster as Bear commented, “The dragon tried to claw the honey badger, so what does he do? Honey badger smacks the SHIT out of him! Get away from me says the dragon, get away! Honey badger don’t care, honey badger craaazy!”

The ponies watched in surprise, all feeling like they had lost their sanity long ago, when Celestia leaned down and whispered to Fluttershy, “Where did he REALLY get that sword?”

Fluttershy blinked and stared back at the princess, “I honestly have no idea”

When the honey badger had finished and his rage had subsided, he fell to the grass and collapsed from exhaustion as the claw-mark covered dragon fell to the ground as well in a pathetic state.

“Now,” Bear said to the camera, “if you’re fireproof like I am, you can easily finish off the dragon. If you’re not, just construct a fireproof suit out of some twigs and leaves, it shouldn’t be that hard”

He ran over to the dragon and jumped down its throat as it helplessly sputtered and gasped for breath. In desperation, it attempted to breath fire to dislodge the thing that was stuck in its windpipe, but to no avail. It was fireproof. Why? Because it was Bear Grylls, and he served in the British Special Forces.

After it had lost consciousness and eventually died, Bear climbed out of its throat and reclaimed his sword.

He approached the weasels with the sword over his shoulder and smiled, “Any questions?”

Nopony could even speak at that point. Ponies had gathered into one large crowd to watch the spectacle minutes ago, but found themselves at a loss for words.

The first to speak was Rainbow, “Sweet Faust…that. Was. The absolute without a doubt hands down unrivaled best most awesomest fight in the history of Equestria and everything ever”

She fainted, but nopony bothered to pick her up, as they couldn’t seem to move their legs.

Bear laughed, “And THAT is how you take down a dragon”

He walked toward the princess, “So, where will I be staying, then, weasel leader?”

“Um, er, well…” she searched for words as Fluttershy spoke for her, “Y-you can stay with me, if you want to, if that would be alright…”

Fluttershy had no idea why she said that. She was terrified of this thing, it had caused her nothing but trouble, and yet…she liked it.

He nodded and turned to the dragon, whose stomach he proceeded to slice open with his sword.

The ponies watched in horror as he ripped out its intestines, ate them, and turned to the camera as he did so, “Now, it’s crucial that you eat ALL of this its intestines. I have no excuse as to why, but Thewaffler said I have yet to eat something disgusting, and he’s right!”

A few ponies in the back lost their lunches as Bear started digging up earthworms from the dirt below him and slurping them up like spaghetti.

“Now,” he said as he wiped the blood and dirt off of his face, “I’m gonna need to find shelter. The Sun’s going down”

“It’s, uh, only like three right now” Twilight offered.

“Nonsense! No ever!”-he scooped up the honey badger and Fluttershy and turned to the camera-“I’m heading back to the cottage, but I’ve got to make myself a bed before nighttime comes and the nocturnal monsters come out. Try and keep up!”

He started sprinting towards Fluttershy’s cottage at top speed, and suddenly everything was silent once again.

Spike blinked and turned to Pinkie pie, “Why have things been so weird around here lately?”

She frowned, “My daddy makes me put-”

He interrupted hastily, “Yeah, well, good luck with that! Come on Twilight, let’s go”

The crowd eventually faded as the two princesses walked with Twilight back to her house. Celestia couldn’t stop herself from giggling a little and facehoofing.

Luna raised an eyebrow, “What do you laugh about, sister?”

Celestia smiled and turned to her sister, “I think these are going to be a fun few days”

(Fluttershy’s cottage)

He stopped at her door, “Well, I’ll have to return your duct tape, but after that, I’ve got to make myself a shelter”

His eyes widened, “Or I could make myself a shelter WITH duct tape! Genius!”

He opened the door and stepped inside with Fluttershy, “Why is everything so dark in here, Weaselfly?”

The lights turned on and he was greeted by a crowd of ponies yelling “Surpriiise!” lead by Pinkie Pie.

She bounced up to him grinning ear to ear, “Oh Gryllsy I always throw parties for new ponies in town but you’re not a pony so I decided you need an extra special one to feel special like Special Forces or whatever they’re called and-”

She trailed off as she watched him eye the lemonade suspiciously, “What kind of urine is this? It’s bright yellow! I like my piss a little darker than this”

She giggled, “That isn’t pee, silly! That’s lemonade!”

He leapt back in shock, “Are you trying to POISON me!? That’s just DISGUSTING!”

“Well, try the cake, then!” she laughed as she handed him a slice.

He tried it and spoke to the camera as he ate, “The giving of cake is an act of hospitality to the locals. You can tell that they actually like you when they give you the delicious treat. It’s an insult to their pagan gods if you don’t eat this, so be sure to eat up every last bite or legend has it that the chef will cut you up and bake cupcakes with your organs”

She smiled sheepishly for probably the first time in her life, “Oookay, this is getting a liiittle close to home! Come on Gryllsy, let’s play pin the tail on the weasel!”

When he was out of earshot, Celestia turned to Luna and quirked up an eyebrow, “Did he just call us their pagan gods?”

Luna shrugged, “He also calls us weasels, let’s just take it with a grain of salt”

The solar princess giggled, causing her sister to tilt her head in confusion, “Why do you laugh, sister?”

She stared at the banana bread she was eating and chomped the rest down in one bite, “Nothing, nothing. Do you like bananas?”

(On the edge of the Everfree forest, near the site of the dragon’s death)

A black creature scowled at the carnage and turned to his comrades, “Whatever did this is a force to be reckoned with. We must return to the hive to report this”

His colleagues agreed and started back, but he remained. His friend turned to leave, but saw that he wasn’t coming, and waited.

“What troubles you, friend?” he asked, planting his flank down patiently for his peers’ response.

The first one sighed, “To think these ponies have such great power…it frightens me to think that we are going to war with these…things…”

His friend patted him on the back, “The Queen told us that some day...some day we will succeed”

He smiled and started to head back with his friend, “Soon, everyling will feed like they have never fed before”

They both smiled at the thought and trotted faster to catch up with their group.

Duct tape, looots of duct tape

(Fluttershy’s cottage)

As the party died down and as Pinkie Pie stopped dancing on a tabletop with a lampshade over her head, Bear decided it was time to construct his shelter for the night. The alcohol he had at the party (And by alcohol I mean urine) was making him sleepy. He took the roll of duct tape outside and yawned.

He walked on the outside of the cottage and noticed that the honey badgers had no home, which was, of course, his fault. He picked them up in his arms, seeing that it was about to rain, and took them with him.

“Now,” he said as he unrolled a long strip of duct tape and attached it to the house, “if you’ve managed to forage for some duct tape, just make a bunch of strips slant off of a solid surface. This should make an artificial tent that glows in the light, which may also attract a rescue party”

He found a nice, flat area on the ground and finished his ‘tent’ in the manner that he said. He also constructed a small duct tape nest with a duct tape blanket for the honey badger family.

He set the confused animals in it just as it began to rain, “If we share body heat, it’ll keep us warm during the cold, rainy nights here in this Everfree climate”

The honey badgers weren’t too happy about sharing a home with a bear, but then again they wouldn’t be too happy about sleeping in the rain, either.

Fluttershy and Twilight watched them lie down from the window. The storm was so bad and it was so late that Fluttershy offered to let her friend sleep over.

Twilight sighed, “Why can’t he sleep in your warm cottage?”

Fluttershy giggled, “He told me that it would be cheating”

The two mares laughed for a few moments, before they stared at the embers in the fireplace, “I wonder why he’s here”

“I wonder how it’s physically possible that he’s here,” Twilight said rather pessimistically, “he came from a big…flying…thingy from somewhere that isn’t even on the map anywhere! His logic is almost as bad as Discord’s”

Fluttershy shuddered at the thought, then gasped lightly in realization, “You don’t think that Discord is the reason he’s here, do you?”

Twilight rolled her eyes, “It would explain a thing or two, but…he saved our lives. Twice. I think that if he is of Discord’s creation…Discord did something wrong. Or, rather, something right!”

The conversation ended there, and the two mares just sat and stared for a few minutes, before Fluttershy started to doze off a little. Twilight followed suit and they both went to their respective sleeping arrangements.

(The next morning)

Fluttershy woke up with Angel sleeping at the foot of her bed. She got up and slowly shuffled to the bathroom to tame her messy mane. She took her time that morning; she just wanted a nice, pleasant shower to kick off her day.

She slowly remembered everything that had happened throughout the day yesterday and sighed, “I hope Bear isn’t doing anything that will get him in trouble…”

Just as she said that, she started to smell smoke. It took her a moment or two to process what was going on, but when she did her eyes went wide and she rushed down the stairs.

There was a forest fire! Oh, what would happen to all the little animals? She hoped that they were alright.

When she came down the stairs, however, she heard an angry Twilight’s voice, “You can’t do that! This is a HOUSE!”

“I asked Weaselfly, and she said it was alright!” Bear said defensively as he stomped on something.

“You did not! You just asked a butterfly outside, which just fluttered around for a few minutes before you caught it out of the air and ate it!” she yelled at him, clearly angry.

“All butterflies are the same,” he stated almost matter-of-factly.

Fluttershy trotted into the room quickly and screamed as she found a fire that engulfed a part of her living room. Both Bear and Twilight looked up and smiled sheepishly.

He saw Fluttershy and turned to Twilight as he continued to stomp on the fire, “I told you not to do that, Tweasel, but nooo, you just HAD to play with fire”

“I did not! This was YOUR idea!” she snapped back, “Oh what was that one spell, what was that one spell!?”

Her brain pulsed as she tried to remember, before realization violently struck her in the face and beat her half to death (Figuratively).

She planted all four of her hooves on the floor and pointed her horn towards the fire. It glowed a little before a beam shot from it and extinguished the entire fire.

She glared at Bear as he looked over the massive, charred spot on Fluttershy’s floor innocently.

Bear looked at Fluttershy as a smile creeped along his face, “I’ll fix it, just give me 30 minutes and it’ll be good as new!”

He pushed the two mares out of the cottage, “Go, go, GO! I need room to work!”

Fluttershy was still in shock as she stood there, motionless, asking herself what the BUCK just happened. She turned to Twilight who rolled her eyes.

“Bear started talking about how to cook a rock on an open fire, which freaked me out a LOT. When I scolded him, he took out some gasoline and a match and talked about how he served in the British Special Forces…again” Twilight said flatly with a sigh.

(Ponyville)

The two started down towards Ponyville. With Bear occupying her cottage, Fluttershy had nowhere to go, so they decided to go out for brunch with Twilight. They found a nice café and ordered a large batch of hay fries.

After the initial, not-so-reassuring shock of the day, things seemed to be back on track.

Seemed like this was actually going to be a good day.

(Fluttershy’s cottage)

“Hmmm,” Bear said as he stroked his chin, “how am I going to fix all this?”

Angel sleepily toddled down the stairs, not caring about all the ruckus that went down earlier, but missing his owner nonetheless. He looked around for a bit before stopping when he came across the mess that was the living room.

“Aha!” Bear flicked open his knife and started inching towards Angel as he looked back at the camera, “Now, if you’re going to catch a bunny, you have to be incredibly fast and corner the bugger!”

At these words, Angel’s eyes went wide and he ran up the stairs, igniting a battle cry from Bear.

Ugh. This was going to be bad day.

(Ponyville)

Rainbow flew over to the girls, “Hey! How’re you today?”

Twilight smiled, “Hey there, Rainbow! I’m pretty good, how are you?”

She landed next to Fluttershy, partially ignoring Twilight, “Pretty good, pretty good. Say, Fluttershy, where’s your honey badger friend? I wanna see how he did that…thing yesterday!”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Rainbow, but I think you’d better ask Bear what happened. The honey badgers are usually really nice, I think whatever happened was his idea,” Fluttershy said with a gentle smile, “but they’re both back at my cottage, if you’d like to visit them”

Rainbow nodded, “Thanks! I don’t care who did it, I just wanna know how to do it, and with Celestia as my witness, I’m gonna bucking LEARN!”

She took off toward Fluttershy’s cottage as Twilight sighed, “Do you think she’s going to be able to do…THAT?”

Fluttershy giggled, “I doubt it. She may be strong, but what that honey badger did was just plain scary”

She awkwardly sipped her tea and proceeded onto their hay fries.

(Fluttershy’s cottage)

Angel was terrified, running under the couch did nothing as bear literally split it in two. Angel ran all around the furniture, desperately trying to shake off his pursuer, but Bear knocked every piece out of the way violently.

Bear grinned and spoke to the camera, “He’s a quick one, but I’ll be able to get him”

Angel ran into the kitchen, but was pounced on by Bear, who pinned him to the ground. Angel peed himself as his life flashed before his eyes.

“Gotcha! Now, what you’ve got to do to skin an anim-” he said with a nonchalantly before he was bucked off of Angel into the wall.

“Leave him alone, you big bully!” came the one responsible for the buck’s command.

His knife had flown out of his hand from the mighty buck, but he didn’t care. He would take this thing on with his bare hands (I won’t make the same pun three times in a row, don’t worry).

If Bear learned anything from the military, it was that anything worth getting was hard to get. And he liked it.

(Ponyville)

Twilight nodded, “You’re right. Besides, that honey badger fainted afterwards, which means that took a lot of raw energy from the little guy to perform”

Fluttershy shuddered, “Do you think it hurt him, Twilight? Oh, I really hope he wasn’t hurt”

Twilight patted her friend on the shoulder, “There there, he’s alright now, don’t worry. And he helped save Ponyville!”

That thought comforted Fluttershy, but she was still sad about the whole situation.

(Fluttershy’s cottage)

Rainbow was kicked out of Fluttershy’s window, but she looped around in the sky, flew back through, and slammed Bear into the coffee table. He took one of the broken off legs from it and beat her back, before shoving her off and stomping on her.

She kicked his right thigh and leapt on him, both of them taking a grandfather clock down with them. He adjusted his legs in front of his body and kicked her off, right into the wall.

Suddenly, she flew out of sight, confusing Bear, “Where did that little weasel go…?”

The answer came in the form of a hit-and-run hoof to the face, “Can’t hit what ya can’t see!”’

Bear chuckled, “Clever girl…but not clever enough…”

He grabbed the roll of duct tape as a mad grin spread on his face.

(Ponyville)

Twilight was just finishing her third piece of toast as Fluttershy hiccupped, “This was really good, we should come here more often”

Twilight smiled contently, “You’re right, Fluttershy, everything tasted so…fresh!”

The two mares laughed, paid, got up, and started back toward Fluttershy’s. They wanted to see if Bear could ACTUALLY have had it fixed by now. She didn’t know why, but Fluttershy trusted Bear a great deal.

(Fluttershy’s cottage)

Rainbow twisted and flailed about helplessly, “Gah!”

Bear had put strips of duct tape EVERYWHERE, from ceiling to floor, catching Rainbow in his web like a spider catching a fly.

He trudged through the web towards his victim, duct tape hanging off of him, “Not so fast now, are you, Rainbow Weasel?”

As he came within range, she bucked him into his own web as she untangled herself and leapt onto him.

The two fought viciously, before Bear spotted two mares walking towards the cottage, “Oh no!”

Seeing that her opponent had stopped, Rainbow looked where he was looking as well, “What?”

He shoved Rainbow aside, “Rainbow Weasel, we have a BIG problem. And by we I mean me. You have to help me clean all this up before they get here!”

Spitting out some blood, she got up, bruised and aching, and glared at him, “We were literally in a life-or-death struggle SECONDS ago!”

He chuckled, “Oh Rainbow weasel, I wouldn’t kill you! You’re all simply too adorable. But that’s beside the point, we HAVE to clean this up before they get here”

She sighed, “Even if I wanted to help, how could we possibly clean all of this up in time?”

He unrolled a long strip of duct tape and winked, “Trust me”

(On the path to Fluttershy’s cottage)

“So THAT’S what’s under Pyro’s mask!” Twilight exclaimed excitedly.

Fluttershy smiled sheepishly, “Yes, well, it doesn’t usually tell people because it thinks it will make them nervous. It just wants to coexist, that’s all! Well, coexist with fire, that is”

Twilight raised an eyebrow, “What do you mean ‘it’”

Fluttershy grinned awkwardly, “O-oh look, we’re back!”

Twilight rolled her eyes, “Fine, we can talk about this later…”

Fluttershy let out a sigh of relief, “At least he didn’t burn the house down…”

“We don’t know what the interior looks like, probably still charred from the fire” Twilight added with a roll of her eyes.

Fluttershy opened the door, “I just don’t know, Twilight, sometimes I just- Ehh…woah…”

The two mares were awe-struck as an understatement. The floor was completely clear; polished, even! The coffee table was extremely shiny, the couch looked even cleaner than it did before, birdhouses and pet sanctuaries alike were cleaned from top to bottom, and there was an exotic, expensive-looking rug on the floor that Fluttershy was pretty sure wasn’t there before.

Standing in the middle of this bright, glorious display was none other than Bear Grylls himself, accompanied by Rainbow, who had no injuries or dirt on her at all, either.

“How did you…?” Twilight asked, mouth still hanging open.

“Duct tape,” Rainbow answered with a chuckle, “looots of duct tape”

Twilight looked at Rainbow, “You’re going to have to explain to me what happened later”

Rainbow smiled awkwardly, “I would, Twilight, but I’m not entirely sure I understand what happened”

Bear smiled at Fluttershy, who was still at a loss for words, “So, what do you think?”

Her confused expression slowly morphed into a rare, ear-to-ear smile that resembled, in its entirety, the absolute EPITOME of glee (Basically, you know that annoying kid at school who is ALWAYS happy? The one you hate because you’re jealous of him and you’re secretly dying inside and you need a way to express yourself and open up to your friends, but you can’t because you have no friends and you’re all alone in the world because nobody loves you and you’re a nobody and sometimes you cry yourself to sleep because (Basically, Pinkie Pie)), “It’s…it’s beautiful! This is…WOW! Amazing! Thank you, Bear! Thank you so much!”

He smiled and nodded, “It’s my pleasure, because I’m Bear Grylls, and I served with the British Special Forces”

Rainbow rolled her eyes as she smacked him roughly, then bucked him in the gut. He thanked her afterwards. Why? Because he’s Bear Grylls, and he served in the British Special Forces.

For once, Fluttershy actually laughed openly, snorting every so often, causing everypony in the room to fill up with glee instantly at the adorkable sight, “Do you think you could clean my library like this, Bear? I’d pay you! Spike doesn’t even do it this well”

He pondered for a moment, “Hmmm…well, a little money in my pocket might increase my chances of survival…how many pounds would you pay me, then?”

Twilight quirked up an eyebrow, “Pounds of…what? Pounds of bits? Um, well, I don’t know how much a bit weighs…”

“No, no, I mean pounds of raw fish” came the survivalist’s response, making Fluttershy cringe as she was brought back to Earth.

Twilight grimaced, “Uh…nevermind, we’ll talk later”

After a few minutes of awkward silence, he turned to Rainbow, “Come on, Rainbow Weasel, we should get going”

She blinked, then looked at him, being broken out of her trance, “Oh, I, uh, came here to ask you something”

“Right, well, you can ask me while I get myself some breakfast, then” she said confidently as he grabbed Rainbow and headed for the door.

“Oh, wait, you don’t have any money!” Twilight trotted over to him.

He smiled and shook his head, “I don’t need money to eat, Tweasel. I’m Bear Grylls, and I served in the British Special Forces”

Rainbow smacked him, then bucked him in the gut, “When are you gonna learn, Bear?”

He smiled, not phased at all by the blows, “Pain is temporary, pride is forever”

Without another word, he grabbed Rainbow and dashed out of the cottage toward the Everfree forest. Twilight giggled a little at Rainbow’s protest and turned to Fluttershy.

“You know,” she began, “he is pretty funny sometimes”

Fluttershy smiled weakly, embarrassed of her behavior earlier, “Right…but I don’t know what we’re going to do with him”

Twilight raised an eyebrow, “He’s a bear creature that can flawlessly clean a house with duct tape. I’m betting that he’ll at least make a few bits being able to clean ponies’ houses around town. Once he saves up enough money, he can buy himself a house somewhere here in Ponyville”

Their conversation ended as Twilight left for her library. She would research the place called “British” when she got back, but after that, she needed to get back to her studies.

(Everfree forest)

Rainbow sighed as she watched Bear pick some berries, “Why did I need to come along?”

“Well,” he responded, “partially because you cost me my breakfast, to be completely honest”

“Hey, there was no WAY I was going to let you eat Fluttershy’s pet” came the defensive response.

He snorted, “Silly Rainbow, nobody keeps bunnies as pets. They’re used for food purposes only”

She sighed, “We don’t even eat meat, Bear, and it’s ‘nopony’, not ‘nobody’”

He was taken aback by that statement, “You don’t eat MEAT!? What kind of sick weasels are you?”

He blinked, “Oh, and my apologies, ‘noweasel’”

She rolled her eyes, “I think Twilight said we were, like, herb thingies or something?”

He squinted his eyes, “Wait a second, you’re not REALLY weasels, then, are you?”

She facehoofed, “No, we are not weasels”

“Unless…” he said, appearing to be deep in thought, “unless you’re some kind of talking, mutant, herbivore weasels…”

“NO! WE ARE NOT WEASELS!” she almost screamed.

“What was that noise over there?” came a voice through the foliage.

“Get DOWN” Bear said as he flopped onto his belly and roughly shoved Rainbow down with him.

Her voice was down to a harsh whisper, “What is it?”

He shushed her as he pointed to a figure taking shape in front of them, “I thought it sounded like a voice”

A second creature came into view as well, “Yes, I heard it too”

More creatures came in and searched around for the source of the noise, as Rainbow’s eyes went wide, “Those things…they’re changelings! We have to get out of here”

“No,” said Bear under his breath, “not yet”

The first changeling spoke again, “We have to keep moving, whatever it is probably won’t matter, not like we’re hunting right now anyways”

They started moving as Bear grabbed Rainbow, “Come on, we have to see where they’re headed”

Even the bravest pony in Ponyville had fear in her eyes, “Are you crazy? Those things HATE ponies”

He didn’t respond, he just grabbed her and stalked his prey, turning to the camera, “Now, stalking prey is a delicate art…these things are a little faster than timberwolves from earlier, but perhaps we can take something from their home base, if we’re lucky”

(Twilight’s library)

When she got home, Spike was sweeping the floor casually before he looked up, “Oh, hey, Twilight. How was the party?”

She blinked; she had forgotten all about the party, “The party? Oh, uh, it was fine”

She smiled sheepishly, then turned around and looked up the book of countries, “Let’s see…B…B…B…”

The book was practically mauled with what she did to it, but she couldn’t find any country that had the name ‘British’ or anything close to it. She sighed and put it back rather roughly, causing Spike to look up in mild alarm, raising an eyebrow.

Spike decided to approach her cautiously due to the large amount of annoyance on her face, “What’s wrong?”

“Oh, I keep looking for this place Bear says he’s from and it’s not here, Spike!” she said with a roll of her eyes.

He chuckled a little, “He’s crazy. Really cool, but crazy. I’d just roll with it if I were you, Twilight; you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of him. He’s just like Pinkie Pie”

She giggled at the thought of Pinkie Pie acting like him, crawling around in muck, beating up timberwolves.

(The hive)

Going deeper and deeper into the Everfree forest, Rainbow was becoming more and more like Fluttershy, “Bear, please, we have to go back!”

He shook his head, “No, we have to see where these little buggers are going”

Eventually, they reached the hive, which was a small cave opening with two guards waiting in the shadows. Bear crawled with Rainbow through the bushes to get a better look.

He smiled, grabbed a silently protesting Rainbow, and headed into the cave. The guards hissed as he came through, but he easily beat them and knocked them unconcious.

As they snuck further into the cave, Rainbow finally said, “No, that’s enough, I am NOT going through here any further. We’re leaving, NOW!”

Her last word echoed through the cave system, causing pretty much every changeling in the entire hive to deduce her exact position like a slimy, disgusting sextant, “Oops…”

Guards were soon upon them, but instead of fighting and resisting, Bear just stood there and allowed himself to be captured, “Just let it happen, we’ll be alright, I promise. Besides, we’ll never get deeper into the cave if we don’t go along with it”

“But I don’t wanna go along with it! I don’t wanna go deeper into the cave!” she argued.

They were taken deeper and deeper into the hive, before they reached what appeared to be the center, complete with a throne and a queen bee of sorts staring down at them.

Rainbow glared at their leader, and tried to dash forward, but the changelings had put some goo in her wings so that she couldn’t fly, “Chrysalis!”

“Well, well, well,” came the smooth reply, “I haven’t seen you for a while. How have you been?”

Pfft, who needs gravity? Fuck gravity!

“Now,” Bear said as he turned to the camera, “if you come across a queen bee, you don’t wanna attack her, you just wanna negotiate with her. You do, but I don’t. Because I’m Bear Grylls, and I served in the British Special Forces”

Chrysalis rolled her eyes, “Captain, shut him up”

The captain nodded with an evil grin, regurgitated some sort of mucus-like substance, and stuck it in Bear’s mouth, “He won’t be talking after this, Ma’am”

Bear swallowed it, grinning, causing Rainbow to gag, “Will you eat anything?”

Bear smiled adventurously, “I’ve eaten everything”

“What!? That doesn’t even-” Rainbow started.

The queen interrupted, “Silence, fools! You. Rainbow one. Who is this? What is this? Why are you here? Elaborate”

“I will speak on the rainbow weasel’s behalf” Bear said as he stood in front of Rainbow.

Chrysalis giggled a little, “Weasel?”

Rainbow blushed, “Just ignore it”

Bear started to pace around nonchalantly, “Well then, queen bee, I would love to answer your questions. I really would, honestly! But I’m too busy destroying your base. Bye!”

He tore out of his binds effortlessly and started beating down the changeling guards, who screamed in unison, “Protect the queen!”

Bear held one of them in a head lock, “Oh, she’ll get hers, no worries, Friends”

He grabbed Rainbow, slung her over his shoulder, and started to dash (Ha, get it? Rainbow? Dash? Lawl) away. Thousands of changelings swooped down and attempted to grab him, but he dodged them all, and made his way into the catacombs.

“This is your fault! What are we even doing here!?” she screamed as the horde continued after them.

Bear turned one of the changeling’s insect guts into jump rope and started jumping with it as he ran from them, “You’ll see”

Bear took out a roll of duct tape and constructed a smoke bomb, “Is there anything you can’t make with duct tape!?”

“Duct tape is the most important substance in the universe” Bear answered seriously.

He ducked into a small compartment on the left side and waited for all the changelings to pass, “Well, we lost them”

“Uh, B-Bear?” Rainbow stuttered as she stared in front of them, wide-eyed.

He turned to face what she was looking at and smiled, “Oh, this is perfect”

A metric ton of explosives was piled into this tiny room that they had hidden in. Bear grabbed all of them at once; duct taped them together, and slung it over his shoulder.

Rainbow sighed, “We’re blowing up the entire hive?”

Bear smiled, “You guessed it! Man, you weasels are a sharp bunch”

They ran up the tunnels, even though it would be impossible for any normal man to carry that amount of explosives, or even fit them all in the tunnel. Fortunately for Rainbow, he’s not just any normal man; he’s Bear Grylls and he just served in the British Special Forces.

As Bear sprinted toward the exit, a crowd of changelings stood in his way, and as he arrived, another crowd came from behind him; he was trapped!

“Aha! We have you now, you stupid Bear!” the captain called out, causing Bear to laugh, “What’s so funny!? We have you captured!”

“The thing is, Friends, I’m not fighting alone. Honey badger, come to my aid!” he called out of the cave.

(Fluttershy’s cottage)

The honey badger was out playing with his children. His wife looked on happily, and came by to join in. He happily nuzzled her and looked deep into her eyes, smiling his friendly smile.

Suddenly, off in the distance, he heard a summoning of himself. The fires of hell burned in his heart as his urge to kill consumed him. With a battle-crazed look in his eye, he turned away from all he held dear and roared a mighty roar, shattering Fluttershy’s windows instantly.

He ran off somewhere into the wilderness, leaving his terrified family behind.

“Oh Rosie,” the honey badger wife sighed to herself in her little animal language, “why do you always go for the bad boys?”

(The hive)

The changelings laughed, “What!? A honey badger!? Ha! We will take him along with the both of you!”

“Honey badger don’t give a shit, honey badger badass” Bear said, grinning.

They all heard a low rumbling sound, like a stampede of warhorses growing louder and louder, “W-what is that!?”

Bear started duct taping explosives to the walls, “That would be the honey badger”

The changelings started to consider breaking ranks, “Stand your ground, everyling! Stand your ground and fight to the death for your queen!”

They saw trees being toppled effortlessly on the creature’s way to the hive. Some shivered, and wondered if they would ever see their friends again.

Soon, the monster in question burst from the foliage and started to maul the changelings, causing the captain to scream, “Attention! Everyling in the hive! Attack! Attaaack!”

Soon, the entire hive, with queen chrysalis in the back gathered to help their kin beat back the enemy. Their attempts were in vain, as the honey badger tore into the creatures with ruthless efficiency.

Changelings charging at him resembled sacrifices being set out for a foreign pagan god as they were smashed into the dust, guts flying everywhere in a sickening display. Changeling magic blasted him, but it did nothing. The screams of his victims echoed throughout the cave as the less loyal cried out for mercy and attempted to flee. He killed all who fled first, continuing on with the battle-crazed berserkers next.

Meanwhile, Bear hummed as he set up explosives all around. The changelings were too shocked at what was happening to notice that he was setting them.

A changeling flew over Rainbow’s head and literally shattered on the wall next to her in a gruesome display, “B-Bear!? Are we safe with that…thing here!?”

He nodded, “I played yahtzee with a honey badger, once. We’re cool”

She grimaced as she saw one of the smashed changeling corpses twitch in a similar manner to how insects you step on twitch to signify that they’re alive, but breathing their last breaths, “I think I’ll need therapy after this”

(High above Everfree forest)

The pilot of a plane sighed, “No, Shara, we are not casting Man Woman Wild again, that was just terrible”

“Please please please please pleeeaaase!?” she begged him.

He rolled his eyes, “NO! It’s not even in my authority to let you! You weren’t even supposed to come onto this flight, the director just let you!”

“When can I jump!?” she asked as she hung loosely off the side of the airplane.

The co-pilot stared at her, wide-eyed, “You’re not even wearing a parachute, Shara! Get back in here!”

She sat on the plane’s wing, “What!? I can’t hear you over the plane’s engine! Speak louder! You’ve got to learn to enunciate!”

“That’s not even physically possible! You’re sitting on the fucking wing! Get your arse in here, NOW! That’s an order!” he shouted at her.

“Bye!” she shouted as she jumped down cheerfully.

He sighed, “Well then, we’re fired”

The pilot face palmed, “Yep. If I find work, I’ll tell you if they need a co-pilot”

“Weee!” she shouted as she plummeted toward the ground.

(The hive)

The honey badger pulled a changeling apart with a terrifying roar that deafened his enemies and shook the cave. Born to be martyrs for the cause, changelings threw their bodies at him in a desperate attempt to buy their queen seconds more among the living. They attempted to bite into him, but his fur seemed to be impenetrable, as their teeth shattered in their attempts to bite him.

Foam started to run from the honey badger’s mouth alongside drool. As soon as it touched any of the changelings, they caught fire somehow. It started to fizzle and glow slightly on the ground, signifying that it was an extremely powerful acid. The honey badger finished with almost all of the worker changelings and made his way to the soldiers, which were the ones guarding the queen. Bear was running out of explosives to set as well.

Bear fought back tears as he mixed some of his precious urine with some nitroglycerin and poured it onto the ground, “S-such a waste of good urine”

Rainbow rolled her eyes, “You’re not real”

(Fluttershy’s cottage)

Fluttershy walked around the cottage in amazement, “Wh-what do you think could have caused all this, honey badgers? Was it your husband?”

The female slowly nodded, causing Fluttershy to sigh and pet her gently, “There there, it’s not his fault, it’s Bear’s. I need to talk to him about this”

(Above the Everfree forest, falling)

Shara smiled brightly as she descended on the forest. She didn’t grab a parachute because she didn’t think she needed it. It was only a small drop, the ground would wait for her to slow down before it let her land.

Regardless, all she could think about was her husband. The producer had been doing all sorts of weird things to her lately, grinding on her and kissing her neck and stuff. She didn’t think Bear would mind, so she wasn’t going to tell him. She still wanted to see him, though.

She pulled out some glue and started drinking it. Bear always told her that eating glue was bad for her, but what did he know? If you weren’t meant to drink glue, then why was there a little nozzle for you to drink out of on the top of the bottle? Ha! Not so smart now, are you Bear?

(The hive)

The last of her majesty’s royal guard were falling, trying desperately to defeat this unforeseen menace. If they had known that this would happen, they would have never let Bear enter the cave. They should have shooed him out or something, so it was their fault for not protecting the queen. They knew that the queen would surely send them to hell for this, because they were bad changelings.

The honey badger snarled as one final changeling stood in front of the queen, “Goodbye, my queen. I will see you in the afterlife. Hail the queen!”

The honey badger tore into him gruesomely; his screams filled the tunnels. As he breathed his last breath, he watched as the honey badger walked up to the queen. This was it.

Bear had run out of explosives, so he was just going to watch what was to come. The end of queen Chrysalis.

(Not far from the ground)

Shara crossed her arms impatiently; she wanted to get on the ground NOW, but she just haaad to wait for gravity. Pfft, who needs gravity? Fuck gravity! Some fundamental force of the universe YOU are; you’ve been taking your sweet time getting her to the ground. Hmph.

(The hive)

Suddenly, the honey badger started panting heavily. He started to sway a bit, before he let out a squeak and fell to the ground. Everything was silent for a few moments before Bear spoke.

He blinked, “Ah. I knew his battery was running out soon. Oh well”

He picked up the honey badger and tossed him onto Rainbow’s back along with a little metal box, “Press the button on that to detonate the explosives”

“What!? Are you crazy, Bear?” she screamed at him.

He rolled his eyes, “Well, get out of the cave, first. I’ll fight off Chrysalis”

Chrysalis glared at him as he stood in front of her, “You”

She blasted him with magic, causing him to stumble back a bit, before she pounced on him.

Rainbow ran out of the cave, and shouted at Bear, “Get out of there, Bear! You’ll die!”

As he wrestled with the changeling queen on the ground, he screamed back, “Press the button, Rainbow Weasel! We need to end this here and now! Just do it!”

Her tear ducts started to hurt, “B-but what about you Bear!?”

“It doesn’t matter, just press the button, now! That’s an order!” he yelled to Rainbow.

Tears started to form in her eyes, “I’ll never forget you! I promise!”

He smiled adventurously as he had the queen in a headlock, “I know you won’t! I’m Bear Grylls, and I served in the British Special Forces!”

She started to sob as she pressed the button. The explosives all around the cave lighted up, and the tunnels all started to collapse. After a low rumbling, it was clear that the entire hive was gone. Everything was still.

Rainbow was hysterical, “Bear! I-if you can hear me! Please come out, please! You’re my friend! You’re everypony’s friend! Every stupid weasel in town loves you! Please!”

After a few moments of her crying, a hand jutted out of the rocks and rubble with a small black box in his hand, “Bear! I-if you can hear me! Please come out, please! You’re my friend! You’re everypony’s friend! Every stupid weasel in town loves you! Please!”

It was a tape recorder.

She blinked, “W-what?”

“Aha!”-Bear burst from the ruined hive-“I knew you were weasels, I just knew it!”

“Bear!” she screamed happily as she galloped toward him.

Before she could reach him, however, something almost as big as him fell from the sky, fell on him, and pounded him back into the hive with the force of the fall.

Rainbow stopped, “Huh!? What was that!?”

Bear climbed out of the newly formed hole with the object in question, “Don’t worry, I’m okay! I’m Bear Grylls and I served in the British Special Forces!”

Rainbow rolled her eyes before cautiously walking over to Bear who had slumped the creature over one of his shoulders as he climbed out. He put it on the ground and stared at it for a moment before going wide-eyed.

It opened its eyes and stared at Bear before getting up and hugging him, “Hi, Bear! I missed you, Honey!”

Bear face-palmed, “Oh no, not you, Martha”

She sighed, “My name’s not Martha, it’s Shara”

He rolled his eyes, “Oh come on, Hannah, Martha, same thing! Now, Deborah, what are you doing here!?”

“This is the new season of Man Woman Wild, Silly!” she responded cheerfully.

“I locked you in a solid titanium box in the bottom of the Atlantic with no air; there shouldn’t be a new season of Man Woman Wild” he stated flatly.

She skipped around, “You forgot to looock it!”

“I did lock it, though! And even if I didn’t, why would it matter!? You were at the bottom of the Ocean!” he growled.

“What’s going on here?” Rainbow asked.

“I’m his wife!” Shara responded happily.

He sighed, “Unfortunately, yeah, she is”

Rainbow fell to the ground and laughed, “Bahaha! Bear Grylls has a wife!? Bear Grylls who served in the British Special Forces!? Ha!”

Shara gasped, “You served in the British Special Forces, Sweetie? That sounds so…erotic”

He rolled his eyes, “I’m not having sex with you. Sorry, but I’d rather stick my dick in between the bars at a zoo”

Rainbow poked Bear, “We’d better get back to town”

Bear rolled his eyes and started to walk back, “This is going to be a looong week”

Warning: This chapter is poorly written. Oh, and BEAR GRYLLS

“and then there was this time where Gryllsy was all like ‘Shara, we need a divorce’ and I was all like ‘Bitch please’ and he was all like crying and stuff and saying he hated his life and shit and he put a gun in his mouth and stuff but he saw he couldn’t die so he cried more and then he like tried to sell his soul to Satan but Satan was all like ‘fuck no, I’ll burn my hands off’ and then I was all like-” Shara babbled on, not noticing Rainbow’s loud laughter and the indignant look seemingly permanently etched on her husband’s face.

(Ponyville)

Bear was not a religious man by any stretch of the imagination. Rather, he always said that he felt it was important to worship oneself if you happen to be part bear and part human, as such a match was “Most definitely made in heaven,” or so he claimed. By the time our hero reached Ponyville, however, he was praying to every god he could think of (Alongside a few gods he made up on the spot) to end his life.

He sighed heavily, before taking out his urine-filled canteen and drinking from it. Not even the sweet nectar that flowed from his man-nozzle could cheer him up.

His wife mimicked him with a glue bottle, “and Gryllsy here thinks that glue is unhealthy for you, but pfft! What does he know!?”

Bear stopped walking and grabbed both of his wife’s shoulders firmly, glaring into her eyes as he spoke, “What was your name…Samantha? Miguel? Something like that, anyway, Rachelle, you need to leave town”

She conjured up her best puppy dog eyes (Which looked more like Derpy dog eyes) and whined loudly, “Aaaw! Gryllsy! Is it that special time of the month where the sticky stuff comes out? I don’t know what to do when that happens, so I just take a glue bottle a-”

He growled lowly, causing Shara to quirk up a single, confused eyebrow, “Stop talking. I don’t wanna know about your bodily functions. Look, these weasels have established a society, but they’re cannibalistic, uncivilized barbarians. If they’re going to survive in this world, they need a strong leader, and that’s ME! I can’t have you prancing about being stupid and tainting my image, so if you’d just walk into that forest over there, I’m sure some of those wooden wolves would be more than willing to help you, alright? Now go, GO! Shoo!”

Rainbow blinked, “Uh, we’re not cannibals…and we have a leader…and we’ve solved world hunger…and we have everlasting world peace…”

Bear sighed, “You WOULD think that, Rainbow Weasel, but no. It’s all propaganda and lies; your weasel goddess just WANTS you to think that-”

Rainbow flew away; she wasn’t going to deal with this, not today. She was covered in insect mucus, guts, and feces.

Silence engulfed the two. Shara and Bear stared at each other for a few moments before Shara peed herself and started to cry.

Because he served in the British Special Forces, Bear Grylls had dealt with many crying babies. Some crying, some not so crying, but generally speaking, most of them were crying. He’d always just punched them until they stopped making noise (He discovered that, as a general rule of thumb, when the red paint (Yes, babies are made entirely of red paint) splatters reached his elbow, it was time to stop), but Shara wasn’t a baby.

He sighed, “Hey, look, Amie, I didn’t mean to say those mean things. It’s just that I think you’re stupid and you don’t deserve to live, that’s all”

She sniffed as he hugged her tightly, “You really m-mean that? That w-was what you said on ou-our first date!”

Bear cringed, remembering that horrifying night in the Vietnamese jungles. Both the Viet Cong and the American soldiers fled from her. Whenever she caught one of her victims, she would take a bowling ball and a sledge hammer and- Well, nevermind. Anyways, the point is that it sucked. A lot. Almost as much as my Filipino friend/slave/whore, Alejandro. Say hola to the readers, Alejandro!

Sálvame de este monstruo.

That’s the spirit! Now get back in your cage you filthy little-

“Okay, Gryllsy, I’ll talk to the wolfies for you,” she said as he did an about face and started marching toward the Everfree forest, “I’ll make you proud!”

He let out a sigh of relief and finished off the remainder of his piss canteen. Aaah, he could taste the urine he had last week in that last sip. Everything was peaceful and quiet…too quiet. He heard a shrill, excited voice behind him and groaned.

A single, depressed tear rolled down his cheek and hung itself on his chin (Get it? Depressed tear? Hung itself? Like suicide? (Yes, I’m fully aware of how awful that was (Okay, I’m done with parenthesis for a while))))) as he turned to meet the awful sound, “Sweet Jesus she’s ba- Oh, phew! You scared me there, Miss Pink thing! I thought you were my wife”

False alarm, it was just Pinkie Pie, who giggled and bounced around excitedly, “No silly! You don’t have a wife!”

She gasped dramatically, “Unless you DO have a wife! Then we’ll have to throw her a party! Oh, what does she like!? Does she like balloons? Should I get some balloons?”

Bear rolled his eyes good-naturedly and chuckled warmly, “I don’t have a wife anymore Pinkie, you can trust me on that”

She wilted visibly, “Aaaw…I wanted throw another party…”

He smiled sheepishly, “Yeah, well, I want several gallons of my own fermented urine at my immediate disposal every waking second of every immortal day of my terrible life, but we can’t all get what we want, right? Ahem, so why did you come talk to me anyways, Pink weasel creature?”

“Oh! I just wanted to let you know that the party is gonna be in two hours! You might wanna make sure your wife doesn’t go talk to the timberwolves, she might be late for the party!” Pinkie chirped excitedly as she skipped away.

“Eh…Pinks, you know she’s not gonna be there…right?” Bear asked as he scratched his head.

Pinkie had anticipated his exact sentence in a manner resembling Sun Tzu and proceeded to unleash her secret weapon. She turned around and blasted him with the most powerful weapon she had available; her puppy dog eyes. Retinas glistening in the light as growing amounts of crystal clear tears formed; she frowned in the saddest way known to ponykind. Fluttershy called it the ‘Staring into their soul and kicking them in the metaphorical groin’ technique. Well, no, I just lied, that’s what I call it, but that’s about what it feels like.

“Sh-she’s…NOT?” Pinkie choked sadly.

Bear’s tear ducts almost wrenched themselves from his face as he stared at her for a moment or two before responded, “Er, yes- I mean NO! No, she’s…wait…don’t worry Peasel the weasel, I’ll get her there, one way or another, I promise!”

She sniffed loudly, “Are…are you sure?”

He thumped his chest proudly, “You can trust me. I’m Bear Grylls, and I served in the British Special Forces”

She bounced up, original eyes taking shape once again and started to trot away happily, “Okidokiloki! It starts in two hours!”

He sighed, briefly considering suicide. He then realized that he couldn’t die. Manly bear tears were shed.

(Everfree forest, one hour later)

“Oh bollocks to this, where is she?” Bear growled angrily as he pushed his way through the dense forest.

With each stomp of his massive bear feet, tiny woodland creatures scurried around in shock. After a while more of searching, he decided to take a break. He picked up a squirrel and took a bite of it as he sat down, sighing. He noted that the squirrels were a bit chewier here than most other places, but that was alright; he kind of liked it that way.

Just when he was about to give up, he heard a voice above him, “Oh, hey Gryllsy! How’s it hangin’? Ha, get it? Hangin’? Because I’m hanging from a tree? That was a joke, do you love me now?”

He stood up and stared at his wife. He looked at her for a long while, noticing that one side of her was completely encrusted in mud. She was hanging by one leg, which had been tied with a vine to a relatively thick branch.

He rolled his eyes, “No, I will never love you. How did you get up there?”

She frowned, “I don’t know, I was just walking through the forest, sipping my glue and the next thing I know I’m hanging from this tree”

Bear rubbed his temples and sighed, “Alright, just hang on…no pun intended…describe to me everything that happened to you on your way through the forest”

“Alright then” she responded happily.

(Everfree forest, about an hour or so earlier)

Shara was now on the very edge of Everfree forest walking in. She wandered through the rough foliage for what seemed like hours to her feeble mind, but in reality only walked around for about a minute or two.

She asked some nice-looking birds where the timberwolves were, but they flew away. It turned out they were kind of mean; they even threw some white paint on her head. She tried to give it back to them, but they wouldn’t come back no matter how hard she yelled. Oh well, she ate it. If they came back for it, she was gonna say it broke when it fell.

After a little while more, she came up to a pack of sleeping timberwolves. She sighed in relief, she had FINALLY found them!

“Excuse me wooden dogs, Gryllsy said I need to talk to you all!” she said contently.

Aside from one wolf yawning, blinking, then going back to sleep, none of them really did anything. Huh. That was kind of rude of them. She came all the way out here and they were going to sleep when they had guests?

Luckily, she was a genius. She had a plan B, because she ALWAYS had a plan B. Except when she didn’t have a plan B, then she just waited for Bear to come save her.

But no, for the first time ever, she had a plan B.

She stomped on the nearest tail she could find and screamed, “WAKE UP YOU LAZY LUMPS OF BARK!”

The timberwolf howled in pain and glared at her, growling, as its cohorts woke up and glared at her as well.

She let out a sigh of relief, “Phew, I was hoping you weren’t all heavy sleepers. Bear said you all wanted to talk to me!”

Bear? Who was this bear? They had killed a bear yesterday, so they weren’t too afraid of a bear. They could take this arrogant, hairless cub.

Still, it was odd that she walked on two legs. Plus, she was pretty big for a cub. Hm, on second thought, if she’s just the CUB, how big is the BEAR?

They spoke to one another in their canine language, discussing what to do. Do they kill her? Do they spare her? So confusing, and the Alpha and his hunting party weren’t back yet, either.

Realization hit them all like a two-by-four. It all made sense now; the Alpha and his pack had just killed a bear and they were degrading the bear’s cub by making it deliver the message! Seems legit.

They all rushed to their Alpha’s urine scent. It smelled fresh, like he had just urinated to show his location. Yes, yes, it all made PERFECT sense.

(Everfree forest, current time)

Shara’s husband stayed quiet for a while, expecting the story to go on, but it ended there.

Bear’s brow lowered in confusion, “I…see…and why are you tied to a tree?”

She quirked up an eyebrow, “Hm? Tied to what now?”

He face-palmed, “Tree, you’re tied to a tree right now, Jona, hanging upside down, what does that have to do with timberwolves?”

She giggled, “Honey, I think you need to lay off your own urine for a while, I’m not tied to a tree”

“I KNOW WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH!” he screamed as he quickly pulled out his canteen and gulped it down.

She rolled her eyes, “…right. Anyways, let’s get going, I- Oh, I’m tied to a tree…that’s new”

“Yes, okay, we’re in agreement now, you’re tied to a tree, how did you get into that predicament?” Bear huffed angrily.

“Hm? This? Oh, right, I tripped” she answered.

“Makes perfect sense; and why are you covered in mud on one side of your body?” he asked rather impatiently.

She pointed to a rather obvious pile of dung that was a little larger than a few dumpsters stacked onto each other. There was an imprint on the side where a human female had seemingly smacked face-first. The weirdest thing about it was that it seemed intentional…

Bear walked up to the massive heap of feces, grabbed a big glob of it, and stuck it in his mouth. He swished it a round for a few moments, savoring it, before swallowing.

“Hm…tastes like…”-his eyes went wide as he took a few steps back from the mass of waste-“…dragon”

He recoiled in horror and looked to the skies, whispering, “Still fresh…”