Relationship Counselling

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Octavia Melody couldn’t help but notice the incessant sounds from the ornate clock on the wall, her gaze firmly locked on one side of the room. On the other side, sat Vinyl Scratch, her gaze equally fixed on her side of the room.

Sat in front of them was a unicorn, shuffling through some papers with practised ease, using his horn to quickly scan each page before setting it to one side. His eyes squinted occasionally, the occasional beam of sunlight falling on him from the window directly behind his clients; his golden fur shimmered faintly under the glow of Celestia’s sun, as he set aside the last page to join the others in a neat pile to the right of him.

Using his magic once more, he lifted a pair of thin-rimmed glasses from his head, making sure to not snag any hairs from his bronze-coloured mane; placing the glasses on the desk in front of him, his gaze now fell upon his two clients.

On the surface, this seemed simple enough; based on the files he’d just read, Octavia complained that Vinyl refused to participate in household chores and contributed next-to-nothing to maintain their relationship, while Vinyl’s counter-complaint was that Octavia, ‘nagged her like her mother’, and ignored her contributions to the household.

Trying Patience had seen this all too often; one of the most frequent complaints he had to resolve in Couples Counselling was a partner putting in too little effort, while simultaneously having to balance the other partner, who very often attempted to go for the jugular right off the bat.

“Ladies, I think now is a good time to review your difficulties with each other. I’ve read my files, but I’d like to hear, in your own words, why you are here today. Octavia, if you’d like to start?”

Clearing her throat, Octavia brought to the forefront of her mind the experiences that had let her to this room today. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and paused for a moment before once again opening her eyes, fixing her gaze upon the counsellor in front of her.

“I’m here today because I feel my partner here isn’t interested in putting the effort into our relationship. I feel-”

“Hey! That’s totally unfair! I put tons of effort in? Do you know how many favours I had to call in to install that new dishwasher?” Vinyl retorted, her forelegs now outsplayed.

“Oh, you mean the same dishwasher that makes the house vibrate down to the fucking foundations? The last time you put it on, I had to crawl across the kitchen because it knocked me off balance! Speaking of the kitchen, when was the last time you cooked… or cleaned, for that matter?” Octavia crossed her forelegs, a mild scowl now appearing on her face.

“Look, Octy, we’ve been over this. I’m getting more work than you, so I’m out of the house more often. I’m also the one keeping us afloat here since it looks like being a Ponyville cellist doesn’t bring in the bits.” Vinyl rebutted.

“Well, we could both go back to Canterlot, but we’d be fucked on the rent. We moved to Ponyville for the lower cost of living...”

“Not to mention the fact you're being blackballed by the National Canterlot Orchestra. Look, the point is, I’m away from the house more. Cut me some slack.”

“Vinyl, you don’t lift a hoof! Cooking, dusting, cleaning, I do all of it! To speak of nothing regarding the bedroom situation.” Octavia now sat in her chair with her forelegs crossed, her face now turned away from Vinyl.

“Total shocker. I come home at four in the morning, so excuse me if I'm in the mood to play twister with your knob gobbler when I flop into bed. I mean, even on my days off I don’t feel in the mood, your nagging is a total buzzkill. Honestly, you’re beginning to channel my mother...”

“I very much doubt that, Vinyl. I know for a fact that she always did everything for you. New bank account? She sat next to you while the teller was going through the forms with you! Cleaning? She insisted on doing it herself. I seem to have fallen in love with a pony who still has their fucking umbilical cord attached!”

“It’s better than having your work not appreciated! Do you know how much work had to be done on that house? Somepony didn’t inspect the house before they signed the lease.”

“He promised me that the house had been inspected only six weeks prior! Besides, the inspection fee for a new certificate felt close to extortion…”

“I’m surprised you didn’t bend over and ask to split the cost…” Vinyl snickered.

The weary unicorn held his hoof up, and both frustrated ponies ended their verbal murder. Octavia, hoof in the air, was a hair’s width away from giving Vinyl a permanent speech impediment.

“I think I have heard enough here. I see that there are frustrations on both sides; what we need to do is establish a path through the discord so that both of you emerge on the other side, your relationship all the stronger for it.”

Vinyl snorted. “You mean you’re going to agree with Octavia, and tell me what to do.”

Trying Patience rubbed his face with a hoof, recalling privately to himself that this exact scenario happens in six out of ten cases he deals with. And it never gets easier. “No, Ms. Scratch. It is not my job to assign blame or to say who is right. My role in these discussions is to apply the mortar of all stable relationships: compromise. This relationship, in my opinion, is far from unsalvageable, if both of you apply yourself sufficiently.”

Reclining in his chair, the unicorn tapped his hooves together. “The first step to a practical solution is to discuss a foundation upon which all agree. Now, let us all bear in mind that every circumstance and living condition is on the table, and until we all reach a consensus, no decision is set in stone. Are you both willing to proceed?”

Both ponies nodded their head swiftly.

“Excellent. Moving on, let us examine your employment statuses. Ms. Melody, your partner mentioned that you are unemployed, is this accurate?” Trying now observed Octavia with a set of squinting eyes.

“Y-yes, it is. Finding employ in Ponyville has been more challenging than I expected, and I’m still trying to find work. A town like Ponyville has little need for a cellist, it seems… and while Canterlot is an option, the travel arrangements mean that many job offers are too short notice, while the remaining ones don’t pay enough to cover my expenses.” Octavia’s ears lowered as she looked down at the floor. “I feel like I’m adrift at sea without land in sight.”

“And you, Ms. Scratch, what is your vocation?”

“I’m a DJ. I mix music together at events, and I provide an all-out awesome vibe for whatever party I get hired for. Pinkie Pie, the local party pony, has had me on retainer since I arrived in Ponyville. There’s no shortage of events in need of my talents.” Vinyl shot Octavia a sly grin, repaid in kind with a glance that, if animated, would have shot daggers in the white unicorn’s direction.

The unicorn in the comfy chair turned to Octavia once more. “Ms. Melody, have you considered asking this… Pinkie Pie, was it? Yes, this ‘Pinkie Pie’, to see if she might be able to find work for someone with your musical credentials? I find it hard to believe a mare such as yourself would be unable to turn your unique talents to the market at hoof. Ms. Scratch, would you be able to put your partner in touch with her?”

“I-I guess I could, yeah,” Vinyl stammered, not at all expecting this request.

“Now, with that addressed, I suggest we move on to your next issue with one another: household responsibilities. In order to address this fairly, I have prepared in advance a hat with common household chores. You will draw, at random, a folded-up piece of paper with a chore on it. That chore will be your responsibility, regardless of other commitments, to be carried out once a week. Are we all in agreement on this?”

Octavia nodded instantly, while Vinyl nodded shortly after. Trying Patience motioned to Octavia for her to draw the first lot, which she carefully did with her hooves.

Hoovering

“Well, I got ‘Hoovering’. I can live with that… after all, I have been for weeks anyway.”

Vinyl drew a lot next, using her magic to fish out a piece of paper, unravelling it before her eyes.

Washing up

Vinyl did a small hoof-pump. “Aww yeah, washing up is mine! I can just use that new dishwas-”

Octavia immediately interrupted, “Mr. Patience, am I to correctly interpret that, as that piece of paper says ‘Washing up’ and not ‘Stacking the Dishwasher’, that Vinyl must wash the dishes properly?”

The golden unicorn nodded, “Yes, I suppose that is the most correct interpretation.”

Octavia was the one now giving Vinyl what she would have referred to as a shit-eating grin; it was met with a telepathic request for the earth pony opposite her to eat glass.

Once more, Octavia reached into the hat for another chore.

Cooking

“Hmm. It’s probably a good job I got cooking as a chore. Vinyl in the kitchen might inadvertently poison us.”

Vinyl rolled her eyes and dipped into the hat with her magic once more.

Bathroom scrub

Vinyl visually winced, vehemently displeased at having drawn that particular chore. Octavia immediately noticed her partner’s visceral reaction and caught the words on the paper when it briefly crossed her vision. The grey earth pony offered no words but instead grabbed another chore.

Taking out the trash

Shrugging her shoulders in indifference, the hat was once again passed to Vinyl for the final chore to be picked.

Mowing the lawn

Vinyl audibly groaned, recalling that her last grapple with the infernal lawnmower was less than successful.

With all chores being assigned, both ponies now turned their attention to Trying Patience, who was furiously scribbling some notes in a small pad with a pencil. Within seconds, he was finished and looked up at his clients. “I suggest a one week trial of this idea. If those chores have not been completed within one week, I want to be informed when I see you next; I will see you both at the same time next week. As for your… intimacy issues, I have made an appointment for you to see a sex therapist tomorrow, as that is well beyond what I am qualified to handle.”

Trying Patience passed a business card to each pony. “Please turn up promptly at noon. Good day, ladies.”

Both ponies made their way outside, Vinyl insisting on scrutinizing the business card closely. “This has got to be a joke.”

Ponyville’s Best Sex Therapist

Cupid Stunt and Co.

“Mending relationships is our stunt.”