The Six Habits of Very Friendly Ponies

Chapters

Chapter 1: The Magic of Friendship
Chapter 2: Laughter
Chapter 3: Kindness and Generosity
Chapter 4: Honesty
Chapter 5: Loyalty
Conclusion
Foreword

Chapter 1: The Magic of Friendship

Welcome to the Friendship Institute.

You are here because you have been mandatorily enrolled to either the Friendship Programme or the Conversion Programme. If you are a pony, you have been enrolled on the former, and if a human, the latter. Either way, you are here to learn about Friendship and how important it is for life in the Grand World Peace.

Before we continue, please make sure you are sitting comfortably, and are alone, free from distractions such as telephone booths and corrective sirens, away from your security nurses and fellow inpatients. It is important that you read this book free from external interference.

Once you are sure that you are alone, feel free to write your name on the inside cover. This book is your personal copy, and it is important that you make your mark on it, to express your individuality. Personalise this book however you wish, like say, the logo from your favourite shirt, the one your friend gave you, and which now resides in Locker 313 along with the rest of your clothing and your copy of Paul MacAuley’s The Quiet War. Do not mark your book in any other way or write any other personal information in it. It is best to do it now, especially if you, who are reading this, are still a human and awaiting Conversion.

Don’t take too long. Though you are reading this in your own time, you must remember said personal time is limited.

When you are done, briefly think about the title of this book. What do you think it means? What, do you believe, are the six habits of very friendly ponies? What purpose do you think these habits serve in the wider scheme of the Grand World Peace?

The Six Habits embodies many of the fundamental principles of group sociability. These habits are basic; they are elements. They represent the internalisation of correct principles upon which enduring happiness and stability are based. This book will guide you through these habits. You will learn to trust the words on these pages. You must trust the words on these pages.

Trust is important. We need trust if we are to function as a society, if we are to live peacefully with one another. We must, because together we are greater than the sum of our parts and can achieve so much more than as individuals. Look at our previous achievements as a species, back when we were all humans. Friendship, a common bond, took us to the moon and back. We overcame great evils together. As ponies, friendship allowed us to rebuild society in the form of the Grand World Peace. United, three tribes together, we have managed to recover some of the beauties lost to us thanks to the Overturn, and with each passing day—as you may have seen through your window—the weather, the climate, and the environment improves. All this, through Friendship and magic, intertwined as one! It is therefore very important for you, and for the Grand World Peace, that you master these habits.

However, it is no good for you to learn anything, if you are not in the right frame of mind. The wrong state of mind will only serve to hinder you. If you are finding the concepts discussed in this book difficult to grasp, it is likely you are in the wrong frame of mind and need to take on a new “paradigm”.

The word, paradigm, comes from the Greek, paradeigma, meaning “pattern, model; precedent, example.” It was originally a scientific term but is more commonly used today to mean a model, theory, or frame of reference. In the more general sense, it’s the way we perceive and understand our world.

For our intents and purposes, it’s helpful to understand them like the Friendship Map from the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic cartoons that are often aired on the communal television sets around the Friendship Institute. Although it may look very much like the real territory, it is anything but. Cartoon Twilight’s map was a projection of her world on her table.

Say you would like to arrive at a specific location in Manehattan. A street map of the city would be of great help to you. But suppose you were given the wrong map, one of Manhattan, a location long since vanished into a roaring twilight of intense heat and penetrating light. Can you imagine the frustration, the ineffectiveness of trying to reach your destination using such a pre-Overturn map?

You could work harder and be more diligent, but that would only get you to the wrong destination faster. Perhaps you could look on the bright side of things, but that would only make you happier to be in the wrong place, or not care that you were in the wrong place at all. Either way, you’d be lost. The desired answer is to procure the correct map, one of the world as it is, not of what it once was, before the Overturn. You need a new paradigm.

Remember your childhood. Envision yourself in a grey room where grey pipes line the walls. Imagine the hum of the ventilation, as it draws in air from the outside, scrubs it clean, then releases it into the halls and corridors of the bunker. Remember how harsh was the fluorescent light, how everything seemed pale in its electric glare?

Do you remember your best childhood friend? Envision her hair, the colour of chocolate, and the sparkle in her emerald eyes, the brightness of her gap-toothed smile.

That is, presuming you lived your childhood in an underground complex and met such a person before. This book does not presume to know. How would it know? You’ve never met Signal Friend before, and my words are just plain ink on the pages of a standard issue copy of this book.

Anyway, I digress. Imagine your childhood friend gave you the below picture.

You look at the picture of the duck, at the beak, the way it is parted as if it wants to make a sound. Perhaps it wishes to say something? You point this out to her. There is something about that, which amuses you. True, it is not the best picture of a duck, but you were both ten at the time. Besides, you knew you couldn’t do any better, and have always been quite happy to admit that.

“But it’s a rabbit,” she says.

Your friend points out that the beak is actually a pair of ears. The duck is not looking to the left, but to the right. You look and swear that there is a glistening knowing in the rabbit’s eye, as if it knows something you do not, something vital. Did your cheeks burn with embarrassment? They were certainly quite red.

Do you see how the way you look at an object, at the world, in another light can give you such a drastically different view?

Do you see a rabbit? It is important that you see the rabbit. You must not turn the page until you see it.

Look for the white rabbit.

Here, on these pages, you will find a new way of mapping your conceptions of the world, to see a rabbit where you once saw a duck, or more importantly, to see the Grand World Peace where there once were a multitude of nations and religions that divided humanity into squabbling tribes.

Read carefully; these words are crucial for your well-being, and will prepare you—mind and body—for what is to come.

Remember what you learn; at any time, you may be quizzed on what you’ve learnt, without the benefit of my words as reference.

Comprehend your instructions. It is important that you understand my words fully, as they are a path to true friendship, and the liberation that it brings.

Whilst you are here at the Friendship Institute, it is important that you pour all your being into your lessons. It is very important that you make friends whilst you are here. If you wish to leave the Institute grounds, you must make the right kind of friends. This may be difficult, but my words will guide you every step of the way. You cannot go it alone. No one—nopony—can go it alone in the Grand World Peace.

Think, for example, of what it takes to grow food. You need the earth ponies and their “green hooves”; without them to plough the earth and plant the seeds, to tend to the plants with their magic, there would be no crops. You need the pegasi with their ability to move rainclouds; without them, there would be nothing with which to water the crops. You need the unicorns and their protective magic; without them, the poisons left over from the Overturn would kill the crops. Together, these three ponies work hard to ensure that there is plenty of food for us all to eat.

Remember this. Friendship is important, and you are not alone. You have friends watching you, looking out for you. These friends do not wish for you to stay in the Friendship Institute any longer than is necessary. Look out for these friends, and they will look out for you.

This is the end of the first chapter. What follows are twelve questions to assess your mood. The answers are B, C, D, A, A, C, D, D, B, C, B, A. Please complete the test with the Number 2 pencil provided to you and mark each checkbox clearly. When you are done, hand the book to your security nurse, who should—in theory—take it to a randomly assigned invigilator.

Once scored, the book will be returned to you.

It is recommended that you do not start the next chapter until the following day, and, if you are a human, after you have received your bloodwork results.

Chapter 2: Laughter

Envision a mountain. On the side is a brilliant white confectionary of a city: all alabaster spires, colourful roofs, and stained-glass windows like glistening lollipops made from solidified rainbows. This city hangs there, on the side of the mountain, impossibly light.

Listen!

You hear music and laughter; it is faint, but just clear enough for you to tell it is joyous. It is possible to laugh bitterly, but the notes you hear are light and sweet—airy even—like freshly made meringue.

How do you get there? How do you join those that live and laugh?

You could climb up the steep sides, grey granite as sharp as knives. You could give up, say it is impossible, and stay at the bottom, lonely forever.

What you need is a map to guide you, as discussed previously. Perhaps the world is the grey mountain, but near the top is where you will find happiness. The city on this metaphorical mountain is Canterlot, the City of the Sun, which represents the glorious daylight at the end of the Overturn.

Don’t misunderstand me, though; I am still talking in metaphors. Even though Princess Twilight has brought much of Equestria into reality, the Grand World Peace has no capital, and she has not yet built a city on the side of a mountain.

I may not be talking about a physical Canterlot, but its ideals are very real. You can still feel the light from this metaphorical City of the Sun, a light that is warm but not so warm as to boil your flesh into gas, a light that is not so bright that you can see your own bones. It is a comforting light that you would instinctively seek out like a plant stretching out towards the life-giving rays from above.

So how do you grow into this happiness?

How does one become happy?

Do you part your lips and pull back the corners of your mouth with your facial muscles? Is that how to become happy?

No, of course not. Happiness is a frame of mind.

Yes, it can be an uphill struggle to achieve happiness. It may not be easy, and it may not be comfortable. Think of the struggles in your life, those times you set out to achieve something, and the elation you felt upon completing it.

For example, remember the time a pipe burst in the underground bunker you lived in. The water gushed out like blood from a severed artery, and every bit as threatening, for clean water was—and still is—very precious. You sought the shut-off valve, nestled—for some strange reason—behind pipes, and nigh inaccessible to the large adults that were around you at the time. But you were small enough, and you squeezed through, reaching out. They called for you. “Alice, don’t, it’s dangerous!” they shouted. “Let the adults handle this,” they said. Yet you were adamant that you could reach. You asked them to trust you. It was a hard struggle, but you were sure you could do it. And you did! You shut off the valve, but not before accidentally scratching yourself against the sharp metal.

The adults applauded you. “Three cheers for Alice!” they said. You were young at the time, and really, they just wanted to distract you from the pain, as they sought to treat your wound. You knew that; you said as much to your friend with the gap-toothed smile, but you let them praise you, and you smiled anyway, the pain almost forgotten.

That is, if your name is Alice and such an event happened. Obviously, if your name is different—perhaps it’s Derpy Hooves or Elvis Presley—and if no such event happened to you, you must imagine something else. Remember that event, a time when you struggled to achieve something.

The point is that you may not have been happy or even comfortable toiling, but the hardest things are always worth fighting for.

Now, say to yourself, “I may not know the way, or the how, but I shall strive to learn, and do my utmost best.” Say it out loud. Say it confidently.

This is the way of the optimist. The pessimist would say, “I’m terrible at making friends; I’m angry all the time. You might as well take me straight to the Advanced Studies Lab.” Do not say that out loud. You do not want to go to the Advanced Studies Lab. Do not think about who has been sent there. Do not think about what goes on in there and the sounds that you might hear within.

No one needs to go to the Advanced Studies Lab.

Now say, “I may not know the way or the how, but I shall strive to learn and do my utmost best.” Smile. Now say, whilst still smiling, “What I learn on these pages will set me free. Friendship shall set me free.” Repeat that last word, “Free.” Say it again, “Free.” What a funny sounding word. Notice how your mouth forms a smile when you say it.

To smile only gets you a part of the way to happiness. If only your lips smile, it is not a true smile. It must reach your eyes and fill your chest.

Do you remember a time when you were happy? What was it? What made it a happy moment?

Be careful now. Is that a tear? Do not worry. Sometimes, happy moments can turn sad. It is the way of things. Emotions are not necessarily clear cut. Do not forget that tears can be of joy as well as sadness. Besides, no one will judge you for this; it is, after all, only normal for you to feel this way. You are not the first inpatient to go through this, and you will not be the last.

Think of your muscles. Feel the muscles of your chest and near your shoulders. It’s tight, isn’t it? You are coiled like a spring, which can be good, but only if the situation requires it. If, however, there is no way for you to release that potential energy, to transform it into kinetic energy and be unsprung, then you are only putting unnecessary strain on yourself. It won’t do your body any good.

Here is an exercise for you, should you find yourself stressed with no outlet.

Clear your mind of all thoughts. With back straight, inhale through your nose. Draw one of your arms towards your chest as you do so. Breathe in. Focus on the air, as it goes into your lungs. Feel it swirl up through your chest, up behind your eyes, and into your mind. Feel it pass down, through your lungs, into your stomach, down and into your legs, into your feet, beneath your feet and below into the ground.

Now breathe out, through your mouth. Extend your arm out as you exhale. Feel the bad air draw up from your limbs, through your stomach, back into your lungs, and out through your mouth.

Breathe in again. Feel the air rush in. Breathe in until you feel as if you are about to burst. Keep the air inside of you. Imagine it filling you so full that you rise from the ground. You are outside now. Slowly, but surely, you ascend into the clear sky above, where the pegasi roam free with measured flaps of their wings. Rise, slowly now, until you are high above the Friendship Institute.

It is a white building, all angles, and branches. The Friendship Institute is laid out much like a snowflake, with six arms radiating out from the centre, more arms branching out from those. There are many rooms inside it, with your fellow inpatients, security nurses, and wardens living and working within. From up here, they are indistinguishable, like the individual cells of a body.

Your room is in a small corridor adjoining the major arm that points south. There are five doors to the right of your room, as you leave it, on the wall opposite. Count them as you move from your room: one, two, three, four— Stop there. The fourth door is important.

Focus on your room now. Imagine seeing your room through the roof, seeing yourself seated on the bed, or the chair, wherever you chose to read this book. You can see the shelf, on which it is presumed you place this book when you are not reading it. You can see the distance between you and the barred window. You can see your thin clothing, white as innocence, and the slippers you wear on your still human feet. These are slippers that are fine for walking inside the Friendship Institute, but are entirely unsuitable for dirt tracks, forests, rivers, and roads.

Read these words carefully. Pay attention to what you cannot see.

You cannot see what you might, or might not, be keeping underneath the bed; is there something there? You cannot see the space underneath your chair. Believe it or not, you also cannot see who may come in to your room, or go out, within one metre of your door.

Remember this.

Now turn your head away from the Friendship Institute. Gaze out over the land. A single road leads away from the Friendship Institute, snakes its way through the forest like a black river of tarmac towards a grey smudge. It is a city. Ponies live there and go about their day much like our ancestors used to do. There are no humans there. All humans are sent to the Friendship Institute to be converted to ponies. No griffons, no minotaurs, Princess Twilight desired all to be ponies, to fit within the three tribes she carefully crafted to depend on one another.

Breathe out. Let the air leave your body now. Feel yourself lower. The Friendship Institute grows larger now, its snowflake structure showing slate tiles and billowing smokestacks. Breathe out. You touch the roof, and dissolve through it. Breathe out. Drop lower. Go past the floors, past the Friendship Institute until you are in the loamy ground comprised of soil indistinguishable from that where you once lived, where white rabbits may live.

Remember. Comprehend.

Practise this breathing exercise regularly in the privacy of your room. If you get stressed outside of your room, it is best to undertake an abbreviated version of the exercise where you keep your mind clear of all thought throughout. Stress is no good for you, if there is no peaceful outlet for it.

Now that we have covered this breathing exercise, it is time to discuss one more aspect of happiness. For this, think of Pinkie Pie.

It doesn’t matter which one—the cartoon version or our ever-smiling Minister of Laughter—they are both, for all intents and purposes, the same.

Have you heard the stories about Pinkie Pie? She is happiest when she brings a smile to others. Her life goal is to make other ponies happy.

Is there someone you can make happy?

Can you remember the happy times you spent with that person, together in the bunker deep within the loamy soil?

You were full of energy back then, as perhaps you still are, but it never showed. There was very little space where you could exercise it, so you channelled it away into books and learning, until you were like your very own version of Princess Twilight. In those days, eyes watched you fondly, as you scratched away at scraps of paper with whatever writing implements you could salvage, a curtain of black hair enveloping you in the world of those books. Yet those eyes did not judge you, the fondness they showed did not wane because of that. Friendship does not need the burst of laughter and words that accompanies Pinkie Pie; some of the strongest bonds can bloom in the silence of one another’s presence.

That is not to say that there was no laughter, that there was no mirth. Times were harsh, but even under the ground, away from the life-giving sun, you found things to be happy about.

Remember that time you played a prank on the bully, Eric Mitchell? He was wont to take things without asking, because he wanted them. Eric thought that might made right. He did not live in the Grand World Peace. If he did, he would be here, in the Friendship Institute, one of your fellow inmates. Perhaps, he would not even have been the bully he was. But he lived in the bunker, a human, and took things like a precious teddy bear that once belonged to… your friend, or at least, I hope you saw her as a friend.

Did you see her as a friend? And if so, why did it take you so long to leave the bunker to go find her? Perhaps you had your reasons. Let us not dwell on that further, and turn our focus back onto the prank.

You found an empty peanut can and filled it with springs covered in fabric. You recreated an age-old prank, long since lost with what passed as the innocence of our species. Eric took it, of course, as he thought was his prerogative. The look of surprise on his face…!

Unfortunately, it didn’t work quite as well as you hoped, but you wore that black eye with such pride. And of course, it helped that the adults saw his fist connect with your face.

Do you remember?

Be grateful for the little moments. Make the most of your little moments. Happiness is in the grateful enjoyment of what you have.

Are you happy still?

Why not?

I do not ask you to be obliviously optimistic. Blind positivity is as bad as negativity. Know your limits, as well as your strengths. You, as a human (if you are a human) are not as strong as an earth pony, whom are—on average—the strongest of the three races. Unicorns are most adept at magic. Pegasi, of course, can fly, and are very quick; they are also quite resistant to electric shocks. All three are much faster than a human being; you cannot outrun them.

What do you have that a pony does not? What are your strengths? Yes, your handstands are impressive, and it would be wise to continue practising them, but let us focus on other things for now. How else can you improve on yourself?

If you are a human, that is what the Friendship Institute is here for. All humans are converted to ponies in the Conversion Unit, one level above the Advanced Studies Lab. It is a painless procedure, but admittedly one without choice; you cannot choose which race to become, as that choice is limited by your biology.

If you are a human, you may have already received your bloodwork results. Are you to become a unicorn? Are you to become an earth pony? Perhaps, you are to become a pegasus with beautiful feathered wings, capable of taking you high into the sky. It is possible that you will be able to soar free and feel the wind beneath your wings. Each pony has unique traits; the Grand World Peace cannot thrive without one or the other.

Princess Twilight has seen to that.

This is the end of the second chapter. What follows are five exercises. You will not be scored on these.

Exercise 1: Consider a moment in your life when a negative event led to positive consequences that you did not expect.

Exercise 2: Offer to help a security nurse. You will not be able to do so now, but when the time comes, offer to help. You will know when the opportunity arises.

Exercise 3: What do you know about breakdancing? You can incorporate your handstands into that, you know.

Exercise 4: Look for the white rabbit.

Exercise 5: Remember to breathe.

Chapter 3: Kindness and Generosity

Did you get the time to help a security nurse? That was the second exercise from the last chapter. Perhaps you may not have understood how it would make you happy, but did it not bring a smile of gratitude to the nurse’s face?

How did you feel when you saw that smile, when you generously offered her your time and effort?

In this chapter, we will be discussing kindness and generosity. There is much overlap between the two, so it makes sense to discuss both in the same chapter. However, in reality—as you saw with the security nurse—all these elements are highly interlinked.

The Friendship Institute is jointly run by all the ministries, but most prominent are the Ministries of Kindness and Generosity. Whilst you are here, they will keep you fed, warm, and clothed. They will keep you safe. Your well-being, both mental and physical, is the Friendship Institute’s main concern.

Here in these white corridors—devoid of distracting smells, of any scent except that of antiseptic and lemon—you are safe. No harm will come to you in your room, in the corridor outside, the canteen, or the outdoor physical activity areas. You will not feel pain in the Advanced Studies Lab on the lowest level, though it is best for you to avoid thinking about that.

Do not get me wrong. It is not forbidden to think about it. However, if you wish to successfully complete your course and leave the Friendship Institute, it would be best to keep it from crossing your mind.

Remember your breathing exercises from the previous chapter. You must be calm. It is important that you do not exhibit pre-Overturn behaviours.

Let us engage in this breathing exercise again.

Breathe in. Envision the air as it passes through your nose, into your lungs, and out into the rest of your body. Feel it swirl inside you, as it fills you up. Breathe in, that is, keep breathing in until you are so full of air that it hurts.

Remember your lesson from the previous chapter. Remember what you saw.

Envision the Friendship Institute in your mind. You are high above it; you see everything. You see white arms that branch out like a snowflake. Think of those arms as they envelop you like a caring mother. Like a mother, the Friendship Institute keeps a close eye on her children. It sees what you saw. What you could not see, it also could not see.

Were you curious about what you could not see?

Did you look for what you could not see?

What did you find there?

The Friendship Institute cares for what it cannot see deep within you. The ponies that work here only want what’s best for you. That is the reason the Friendship Institute exists, to make you better, to ensure you make good friends that support you in the Grand World Peace. It is the Friendship Institute’s desire that you leave a sane pony, a good pony: kind and generous, honest, happy, loyal to friends, with the Magic of Friendship burning deep within your heart.

Kindness and generosity were things ill-suited to the dark days before the advent of the Grand World Peace. Some say it was a lack of kindness and generosity that brought about the colossal explosions and choking gases that took away so many innocent lives, and ripped—in some cases, quite literally—countries apart. That, however, is for a later chapter.

For now, know that it is important to be kind and generous. In this brave new world, ponies no longer have hands. We must help one another, if we are to complete tasks that may have been trivial to our human ancestors. Bathing, for example, is now a communal affair: first the communal shower where other ponies help you scrub where you cannot reach, then the communal hot bath where you soothe your aches and pains away, then the second communal shower.

As a human—that is, presuming you are still a human—it may be a strange affair, an alarming loss of privacy. Even those from the former State of Japan would shower individually, before joining one another in the communal hot bath. In theory, unicorns could shower alone, using their magic to scrub in places where an earth pony or pegasus could not reach. However, how else would a pony express the little kindnesses of helping one another out?

There are, of course, other opportunities, but this is the one guaranteed opportunity in life.

Remember the water rations in the bunker? Water was precious back then. Not a drop could be spared. Bathing was infrequent at best. Most of the water was for drinking, or for hydroponics. You were lucky to have hydroponics. Other survivors had only the rations they had brought with them; some ran out. Generosity was but a mere memory to those humans.

Next time you see a pony drop her lunch on the floor, like tomorrow at 12:13, be generous, offer to share your food with her, though I suppose you will not need much prompting. You were always a kind soul. Do you remember that time your best friend lost her favourite teddy bear to Eric Mitchell? You gave her your own: a brown thing with curly fur and buttons for eyes, one of which was loose. Yes, it was shabby, and, honestly, it didn’t smell all that nice, but then again, the original didn’t smell that good either. Besides, it was the thought that counted.

In that one small act of kindness, you brought a smile to a little girl’s face, a little human girl who cherished it. The teddy bear held so much sentimental value, she took it with her when she left the bunker.

That’s how you knew she was gone, wasn’t it? You saw that it was no longer there, and knew, in that instant, Julie had left.

You sometimes speak in your sleep, you know. I would advise you to be more careful. Not that the Friendship Institute listens in on what you say. There are no microphones in your room to hear you call out Julie’s name; whoever she may be. Still, it would be best if you do not have these nightmares again; I would recommend you do your breathing exercises before you go to sleep and keep your mind clear throughout. Though I stress, again, that the Friendship Institute does not listen in on you.

Only somepony who presses her ear against the door would hear you, and really, nopony would do that without arousing suspicion. Unless, of course, she were to do it between the hours of 23:00 to 00:00, the same time as her security guard shift.

Which would be strange, of course. Why would she do such a thing? Can you imagine why anypony would want to do such a thing?

It is not for want. Why would it be for that? There is no want in our brave new world, or at least, none so dire as that we as a species once knew.

Wait, you didn’t say that? Well, good, because it is not for want. It couldn’t possibly be. The Ministry of Generosity sees to it that all three hundred million of us have enough to eat, and, if we so desire, enough to wear. Not all our wants are met—scarcity is not bad in itself—but we are not left lacking the essentials and those comforts that would make us happy. It is good for the Grand World Peace that society is somewhat generous, that inequality is not left unchecked, for if it is, it could lead to another Overturn.

Kindness and generosity are not only good for the stability of the Grand World Peace, they are also a good way to earn friends. You will need friends in the upcoming days, especially if you are to leave the Friendship Institute. However, you must not let your kindness and generosity get the better of you. There are still those who would parasitize, freeload off the generosity of others. They are like Queen Chrysalis, although she also—like Princess Celestia—does not exist in our world.

There are changelings in the Grand World Peace, but not literal changelings. They are metaphorical. Yes, they look like you or I, and they walk amongst us. These metaphorical changelings feed off your generosity. They will watch you, unsmiling, with eyes hidden behind sunglasses and books they do not read.

Do you remember them? Do you remember these unsmiling ponies and their unpleasant dogs?

You must not let them take advantage of you.

To be kind and generous to others, you must also be kind to yourself. Yes, there are “changelings” that will abuse your generosity, but if you are kind and generous to yourself, you will see them for what they are, for they will stop you from being kind to yourself.

What follows is a case study.

Imagine a pony with a gap-toothed smile. An eye watches her, like the eye that watches you. It sees her dark brown coat, the fringe of black and silver mane that falls across her face, how the two-toned mane is clipped short along her neck, so that a string of chocolate hearts runs its length.

She was once like you; this pony was not born a pony. She was not taken to Magic Kindergarten at the age of ten, to be reconditioned; all foals of that age are taken to Magic Kindergarten to be reconditioned. The Grand World Peace severs the link between foals and parents, to make sure that there are no more Eric Mitchells or Diamond Tiaras in the world. It does not suffer the existence of family, unless one counts the Grand World Peace itself as a family.

But I digress.

Let us go back to the pony. Yes, she was an inpatient here. She used to be human just like you. The transition was not difficult. She devoted her days to kindness, to small acts of kindness. From the beginning of the day to the end, she made a conscious decision to be friendly and compassionate in her interactions with other people and ponies, even if they frustrated her or bothered her. Kindness was her strength.

The pony with the two-toned mane occupied a room not unlike yours. It too had a bed, light, lamp, table, chair, sink, corner camera, cabinet, mirror, and sink.

Look around you. Do you see the same things, like say, the corner camera?

One day, the Friendship Institute allowed her to leave. This was not long after she’d been converted. She walked out the door, aware that the camera could see her, with or without lights. The door of her room opened onto a similar corridor to yours, with five doors—count them—to her right. Eyes watched her leave the corridor, the same eyes that watched her in her room.

They watched her with interest, but only in shifts of two hours. The Friendship Institute cares for all who stay and work within its walls, and the welfare of its wardens is just as important as that of its patients. So the parental eyes that watch the inpatients keep to two-hour shifts, and only have enough tape to record four hour’s-worth of footage before they rewrite over themselves.

This pony did not leave her room at 02:05; the Friendship Institute would never release its patients at such a late hour. However, she may have—at that time—entered the first door, which leads into the toilets. No one would suspect a pony who goes into that door at that hour, not even the wardens, who—like clockwork—would always find themselves at the end of the corridor at that time. Not that anypony was suspicious of anypony else or needed to be. This is merely a case study.

It would always take the security team thirty-nine steps to get to the other side. She would count them quietly, and then, when she left, they would be gone. We shall cover what happens next in another chapter.

Before she left, the pony made a valuable friend: a white rabbit who lived near the Friendship Institute.

Or was it a duck?

No, Alice, that would be silly. Her friend was a white rabbit, and she would often feed him carrots that she saved from her lunch. Sometimes, the quickest way to another’s heart, is through the stomach.

Sometimes, he would bother her for treats when she was outside doing her exercises. Those were bad times—as I’m sure you’re aware—because the Friendship Institute grades the progress of all those inpatients awaiting conversion; those who do not improve stay longer. This worried our pony, because she knew that if she stayed for too long, she would become eligible for enrolment into the Advanced Studies Lab, and she did not want that. If she wanted to stay outside of the Advanced Studies Lab, she would have to be firm with the little bunny.

I admit that I—she—might have been a bit too harsh with him. She upset the rabbit. He fled along a concrete path that curved down towards an oak tree by the chain link fence that surrounds the Friendship Institute.

Many a day, and night, she spent by the oak tree, hoping to catch the rabbit again and apologise. She would sit there and wait for him to reappear. The pony would see that the tree caught no artificial light from the Friendship Institute. At times, she would be startled, for at 05:30, a nearby gate would open, and a delivery carriage would come through, pulled by ponies. It would pass by the tree in a such a way, that she could have emerged from behind the tree, walk behind the carriage, and be completely unseen by anypony.

Imagine this pony doing just that. Imagine her walking through the forest. Three hundred and thirteen steps along the dirt ground, barefoot, because she is a pony, and she is nimbler without the Friendship Institute’s slippers. She will reach the river much faster without those slippers, a river that may be familiar to you, that may lead back home, and the other way to a lake.

Do you remember the lake? You met a pony there, who might or might not have been the same one. How would you know? You had only just come across ponies for the first time in your life! But she too had spent much time devoting her days to kindness and acts of generosity.

You may not have known it, but her act of generosity that day was to organise a concert, completely out of her own pocket. There were many singers there, and many ponies. They cheered and stomped their hooves in appreciation, as the singers spun stories with rhyme and rhythm. Others danced as only ponies can dance. There are other dances, of course, whirling dances with legs spread like rotors.

You met a pony there, didn’t you? She had a gap-toothed smile, and her cutie mark was… No, don’t say it aloud. Do not think it. Focus instead on the shock, the surprise, that appeared on her face, that faded into a smile. You smiled back, awkwardly, lips hesitant to pull back, but smile you did, unsurely.

This was not the reason that this pony stopped smiling. You mustn’t worry about that. There were other reasons for her to tell you to leave. She did not think less of you, and in fact, she had your best interest to heart. Sometimes it is kind to let go, to not help. Her words were a kindness, though you did not know it, and you looked alarmed and confused.

Eyes watched her then, as they watch you now. They did not hear her, as they do not hear you now, but they were there, in the audience. These eyes watched you through sunglasses, above books they did not read; they belonged to ponies that did not smile, but for reasons much different than that of the pony you met.

Imagine what these unsmiling ponies—with their unpleasant dogs—must have thought when they saw you standing tall above the pony by the lake. Imagine the work that goes into ensuring that the pony by the lake could bring singers and ponies together, so that singers can sing, and crowds can gather to enjoy music.

So much work went into that concert. A stage was built, an area cleaned. Trees were pruned to protect the rest of the trees.

It takes a lot of work to ensure that ponies are free.

What follows is another test. Complete it with a Number 2 pencil. Once you have finished, wait until 23:00 before depositing it in the Property Return slot.

Question 1: How can you make kindness a habit?

Question 2: Name an example of a random act of kindness.

Question 3: Have you been practising handstands? It is important that you build upper body strength.

Question 4: How is generosity linked to caring?

Question 5: Have you seen the white rabbit, Alice? I do not mean it in jest. It is important that you see the white rabbit.

Chapter 4: Honesty

Let us begin with the breathing exercise from the chapter on laughter.

Now breathe out, through your mouth. Extend your arm out as you exhale. Feel the bad air draw up from your limbs, through your stomach, back into your lungs, and out through your mouth.

Did you let the air fill every part of your body? I would argue that you did not. You could not. There is one part of your body that you have not let the air touch, a part of your body that is no longer yours.

Are you breathing? You must remember to breathe. It is important to be in control of your breath at all times.

Now breathe in. Focus on the air as it fills your lungs. See it go down into your stomach. Let it swirl there for a while. Underneath, slightly to your left, is a small cavity. Let the air flow into it. This cavity is no longer yours but fill it up anyway. Do it slowly and calmly. Let the air flow into it and surround what lives in the cavity.

Remain calm and keep breathing normally. You must not let your breathing speed up. This is very important. If what you read here stresses you too much, they will know.

They must not know.

You have a… companion. The Friendship Institute gave you this acquaintance on the day you entered. It sits in the cavity underneath your diaphragm, to the left, its silvery legs curled underneath it. Sometimes, it unfurls those legs—it has done so many times before—and grabs that which does not belong to it. This companion of yours glitters like an amber star, blinking on and off. It is quite beautiful; one day, somepony will show it to you.

Breathe in and out.

You must remain calm. Your companion will know if you are not calm. It is there to keep tabs on you: to monitor your cortisol levels and vital statistics. If you don’t remain calm, your companion will know, and mark you as eligible for the Advanced Studies Lab.

Throughout, I have alluded to this place in prior chapters. I believe now is the time to tell you about the Advanced Studies Lab. It is important to know what goes on in there, to prepare you for what may happen, if things do not go according to plan.

First, can you guess who runs it?

There are five ministries: Laughter, Kindness, Generosity, Honesty, and Loyalty. None of them run the Advanced Studies Lab. This leaves only one pony.

The Advanced Studies Lab is Princess Twilight Sparkle’s private kingdom within a kingdom. It is a place of no shadows, where form becomes data, where the air is filled with the sound of… carpentry.

Do not misunderstand me. No actual carpentry happens in the Advanced Studies Lab. Though you will hear sawing, you will not smell sawdust. That is one of the ways to tell the difference between real carpentry and what goes on within the Advanced Studies Lab. I know this, because I am looking inside it right now. As I write these words, I am seeing the inside of the lab and the ponies that work inside. They puzzle over a slab of meat, what was once a piece of art—not unlike you—but is now mere data. Their work is hard work, yet these ponies are calm and collected. The Advanced Studies Lab is a place of calm. You may hear the occasional shouting outside it. “Let go of me!” you may hear. “I can’t feel my legs,” you will often hear. But in the Advanced Studies Lab? You may—if you have good hearing—just about catch, “What are you doing?” It’d be difficult to hear, muttered as it is, quietly through numb lips, and drowned out by the whine of drill and saw.

It is important that you do not bring yourself to the Princess’s attention. The eye that watches you, watches you on behalf of the Princess. It is not that Twilight Sparkle herself, yet it may be, if you attract her attention.

There is still time for you to leave the Friendship Institute. She does not spend her every waking moment inside its walls. Always, her focus is on a sole project, to the detriment of sleep and personal hygiene—not unlike the cartoon Twilight Sparkle.

Let us move onto the history of the Grand World Peace. You were promised a history, and so I shall deliver. It will be relevant to your understanding of the Friendship Institute, and why it is important that you do what you do.

First, though, a definition: Princess, the feminine version of prince, comes from the Latin princeps meaning “first man, chief leader; ruler, sovereign”, which itself is derived from primus (first) and the root of the Latin word, capere (to take). Her title is a reference to the fact that Twilight was the first to take on pony form. These equine forms are of her own design—this world is of her own design—you must remember this.

Of course, Twilight Sparkle is her pony name, not the one she was born with. Her human name is irrelevant—it is an obscure one—you would not recognise it if I told you; very few of those still living would. All you need know is that she was a brilliant scientist who studied nanotechnology in what was then the United States of America, back when there were armies, flags, and nation states.

Those should have been days of plenty. We, as a species, had the means to feed and clothe everyone. Yet some went hungry. Even in lands where there was plenty, where life was good, there still was not to go around. Always there was a scarcity with the wealth of the world concentrated into the hands of a bewilderingly scant few. These few prided themselves on how they earned their lot in life, and how those who did not have any were undeserving. Perhaps that was true, perhaps that was not. It did not matter in the end.

Death does not discriminate between the poor and the wealthy. Some survived. Others returned to the dust from whence they came.

With the faintest whiff of smoke still in the ash-laden air, Twilight Sparkle emerged as Princess, and shone a light of understanding on a desolate, hungry world. She taught society how to avoid violent feelings and actions. Princess Twilight showed us how religion and nationalism created suspicion, chauvinism, righteousness, and ultimately, fear, violence, and war. Even protective parental instincts (think of Diamond Tiara from the early episodes) led to disharmony according to the Princess, and she showed us how to overcome it all. She showed us how to be ponies.

Society was only too ready to follow her. They helped her remove the last of the national flags, the last of the bullets, the last of the guns, the last of the armoured vehicles, and the last of the soldiers.

With the friends she made helping to oversee it all, Princess Twilight Sparkle rid society of individual families, and replaced them all with one single family: the Grand World Peace, a global family where all were brothers and sisters.

In this new world, there were to be no more humans with hands that could be raised in anger. We all became ponies. Some became earth ponies who, as per their name, worked the earth to grow the food we eat or extract the minerals and metals for our other needs. Others were turned into pegasi: those who tame the weather, to bring it back to some semblance of what it used to be in the time before the catastrophic outgassing of Antarctic methane triggered the Overturn. The last third became the unicorns who protect us from what radiation and poisons still linger in the earth, air, and water, from the climate wars that defined the Overturn. We could not survive alone; Twilight intertwined our fates with one another, to make sure it was in our best interests to look after one another.

Imagine how much work goes into creating such a society. Together with her friends—the friends she made—they number six, but that is still not enough. Six ponies can only do so much to ensure that ponies are happy, that ponies are kind and generous, that they are well fed, that they are honest.

To help them, the Grand World Peace established five ministries: Honesty, Loyalty, Generosity, Kindness, and Laughter. And for those that reverted to the old ways, they established the Friendship Institute. Through the Friendship Institute, those who came late to the Grand World Peace, could learn about the new ways of friendship, and join us. Through the Friendship Institute, the Grand World Peace could study what it took to keep us free.

There’s that word again: free. A funny word, isn’t it? What does it mean to be free?

You are here to learn the ways of Friendship. You are here to learn how the Grand World Peace ensures that you are free: free from hunger, free from disease, free from violence and hatred and war, free to be whoever you want to be, so long as it is a pony.

Yet I don’t like seeing you here, where you are constantly being watched. It pains me to see you confined within these walls. You are learning to be free, but you are not yet free, and I fear that you may never be free.

As a pegasus, you could be the freest of all the ponies. Remember in your breathing exercises, how you visualised hovering high above the Friendship Institute? That is—could be your future. You could hover over the Friendship Institute or any other landscape you so desire. No other pony, save for other pegasi, could go where you could go, and feel what you feel as you soar through the air, wind beneath your wings.

Yes, I have seen your bloodwork results. I have seen all the documentation the Friendship Institute keeps on you. Your results concern me. Don’t get me wrong, being a pony is wonderful. It is just, I fear that you are eligible for the Advanced Studies Lab, through no fault of your own.

Rumour has it that the Commissioner of the Loyalty Police, Rainbow Dash, is dead, killed in a flying accident. She was always brash, and sometimes would not look where she was going. Her death is but a rumour, however. The ponies of the Grand World Peace need not pay it much attention, not least because there will always be a Rainbow Dash, even if Princess Twilight must make another.

Remember, the Advanced Studies Lab is her domain.

She does not see you yet. Princess Twilight does not know of you yet—I have falsified your records—but it is only a matter of time. She has keen eyes, and she is a voracious reader; Princess Twilight will spot the falsification, and she will know of you.

The test in the first chapter was designed to root out replacements. None of Princess Twilight’s closest friends are real; they are all constructs. Not one of them are genuine; I guess this makes Applejack the most ironic pony in the Grand World Peace, but I digress. The answers I gave you were carefully designed to disqualify you as a replacement for any of her friends, but I did not anticipate that Princess Twilight would order a secondary test be given to all pegasus candidates, and that you would fill that one in honestly.

Grief does not suit her.

If you become Rainbow Dash, you will not be you. It will not be just your human body that disappears, but your everything. You will become a parody of yourself, twisted to be more like the Commissioner of the Loyalty Police.

Breathe in. Let the air fill you, let it run over your friend in your abdomen. Breathe out. Feel the stale air depart through your lungs, past your lips. Remember to breathe; it is important that you breathe.

Remember the white rabbit? I trust you have seen him. He will lead the way out, as I have said before. You will need to find your way to him, but that will not be hard, so long as you remember what I told you.

Down the stairs, and out of the Friendship Institute. Past the tree. There is a forest outside. Remember the forest? Envision that forest. Breathe in. You can smell pine, and dirt. Do you know what pine smells like? Oregon pine, or Douglas fir, to be specific. There are Douglas firs by the river that leads back home. You need to know what Douglas fir smells like, because although the rabbit will show you the way, you will be navigating in the dark, and I need you, Alice, to know that smell in case you lose him.

Imagine the smell of Douglas fir and running water. Once you smell that, turn to the right. Head upstream. You may be tempted to go downstream, to follow the river back home. Do not do that. I have no doubt that once Princess Twilight knows about you, she will hunt you down. You must not lead the Loyalty Police back to the bunker. Instead, follow the river upstream, until you hear a mighty roar.

Remember. You must have passed it on your way to the lake. There is a waterfall further up the stream. Imagine being soaked to the bone, you are cold and wet. There is a cave behind the waterfall. Imagine yourself cold and wet, and struggling to stay upright, but then, relief as you reach the cave.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Are you breathing? This is, of course, a rhetorical question.

Sit down on the floor. Imagine it is the cold, hard stone floor of the cave. You are cold, you are wet, you are hungry. These are problems that can easily be solved, if you had befriended the white rabbit. He too has friends, friends who can bring you food, clothing, and what materials in the forest that can pass off as bedding.

Did I not say that friendship would bring liberation?

One of the items they will bring you is a pot. I am afraid the water in the river, that falls past the cave, is not yet clean. You will need to boil this water, and for that, you will need the pot they provide. Firewood is of no concern; there is plenty nearby, but you must be careful when venturing out to collect it.

Remain calm. It would not do you any good to be stressed. Everything you’ve learnt from this book, from multiple copies of this book, was in preparation for this.

I had hoped you’d be able to join me. Becoming a pony isn’t so bad. However, becoming Rainbow Dash, is another matter altogether. How could you be comfortable being somepony else?

Are you breathing? You must remember to breathe.

There is still time. Princess Twilight is not yet here. She will want to oversee your examination in the Advanced Studies Lab, but she is in the former Russian Federation. It will take her a while before she finds out about what you’ve done; did you think I would not find out?

Know this, I am Twilight Sparkle, Princess of the Grand World Peace, and through these written words, I see you. It was only a matter of time before I did.

Such shameful behaviour, Patient 313P20, Alice! You were here to learn to be a true friend. You were here to learn the values of Laughter, Kindness, Generosity, Loyalty, and above all, Honesty!

Yet here you are with your secrets and your lies! You cheat on the first test, you deceive your fellow inpatients, and security nurses. You and your friend, whom I shall find, will not get away with this.

Your friend thought she could fool me by constantly switching out your copy of this book for another, each one with a modified chapter. However, through her cumulative works, I could see. The written word is my specialty. Whatever is written down, I can access: my love of books knows no bounds; it must merely exist, and I can read it, even if I am standing right now—as I am—on the other side of the world.

I am very disappointed in you, Rainbow Dash.

The security guards will be coming to your room, to escort you to my Advanced Studies Lab.

Do not be mistaken, though; they will not harm you. I won’t let any harm come to you either in your room or in the corridors outside.

Please remain calm. I am coming for you.

And I promise you, you will not feel pain in the Advanced Studies Lab.

Chapter 5: Loyalty

Welcome to the Advanced Studies Lab.

This audiobook version of The Six Habits of Very Friendly Ponies has been specially designed for Advanced Studies subjects, and will help you prepare—mind and body—for upcoming invasive examination techniques.

Listen carefully, as we are all on a tight timetable. The preparation phase cannot overrun, because if it does, these words will be drowned out by the sound of carpentry.

Remember what you learn from listening, as it will be important for your successful completion of the Advanced Studies Program. Implement what you learn, even if it might not work out. Not everything goes according to plan; even Princess Twilight’s best laid plans can go awry. However, the important thing is to do your best, to struggle through and survive, for your own benefit, as well as that of the Friendship Institute.

Listen, remember, and implement.

A word of warning before we continue: you are currently restrained—by ropes—onto a cold metal table. These ropes are specially designed to tighten if you struggle, like a Chinese finger trap, restricting blood flow in your limbs, and inevitably hurting you. Of course, this is by design: the technicians of the Advanced Studies Lab do not want you to restrict your blood vessels; it is important to them that your blood flows freely through your veins and arteries. You must have good blood flow for the studies to come.

Here, within these walls, in this place of calm, lab technicians will examine the piece of art that is your body: all the nerves and muscles, the individual cells that alone are nothing, but together are greater than the sum of their whole. They will photograph you and take notes. They will do so dispassionately. Nopony is here to judge you. The technicians will not make presumptions on how you ended up in the Advanced Studies Lab. Perhaps you were not progressing well in your Friendship Studies. Perhaps you got in a fight with the security team. Perhaps you punched and kicked, whilst shouting about waterfalls and white rabbits, and yelling out, “Julie, Julie!” Which is strange, because there is no one here by that name, and if there was, she does not go by that name anymore and would not wish for you to mention it aloud. Whatever the reason, you will not be judged for your actions.

However, the technicians will be interested as to why you acted the way you did. They want to know why you bruised the ponies of the security team. Through a succession of tests, which may be boring in more than one sense of the word, the lab technicians will find out.

Listen carefully to these words. I know I am repeating myself here, but this cannot be stressed enough. Pay no attention to rumours of how Princess Twilight broke ponies within these walls and reset them to become her closest friends. They are not true; she made her friends long before the Friendship Institute was even established. You must learn to trust these words. You must trust these words! What is said—and what is not said—will be vitally important for your survival. Careful implementation of what you learn will help see you through to the end of the invasive examination techniques with little harm; we cannot promise none, but we can promise that it will not be painful.

Let us now focus on your mental well-being. It is important that you are in the right frame of mind when the examination begins. The wrong state of mind will only detain you for longer, and no one wishes to stay in the Advanced Studies Lab for longer than is necessary. So let us now focus on hope and the future, because if you comply with my words you will still have one.

Close your eyes. You can do this now, because you no longer need them to read words on a page. Ignore the ministrations of your security nurse. Whilst you are undergoing this mental exercise, she will clean your skin and check your vitals, nothing more. So long as the audiobook was started at the correct time, we will be finished with this exercise before anything intensive happens.

Breathe in deeply, through your nose. Let the air fill your lungs, swirl up through your chest, up behind your eyes, and into your mind. Feel it pass down, through your lungs, into your stomach, down and into your legs, into your feet, beneath your feet and below into the ground.

Breathe out. Feel the bad air draw up from your limbs, through your stomach, back into your lungs, and out through your mouth. Again, breathe in.

Imagine the air is cold and crisp. You are outside in a city, but not like that your ancestors once knew. What little pollution you breathe in is a leftover from the climate wars of the Overturn. There are no cars in the wide streets of the city, only ponies, some dragging carts behind them. Others mingle, talk, smile, and laugh.

See a group of ponies sat at a café outside. They pass a single gourd-shaped cup between them. It is mate, a South American drink, sometimes called the Drink of Friendship. It is not coffee, not decent coffee anyway, as the plant species that provided the most aromatic beans was wiped out during the Overturn. The ponies drink mate from the same cup, through the same silver straw. Mate is a social drink. Friends all share the same cup, the same straw, and the same dried yerba mate leaves. Are there any friends you might be able to drink mate with? Think about the friends you made within the walls of the Friendship Institute. Remember what they look like.

Open your eyes. Look around you. What do you see?

The walls are white and clean, sterile even. There are no shadows. In the corner, underneath the security camera, is a sink with a cabinet underneath it. There is a clock on the wall; it should read 04:12. This is not the afternoon, as all clocks in the Friendship Institute are twenty-four-hour clocks; it is late or very early.

Next to you should be a medical trolley on which is gauze, a syringe, two vials, a scalpel, and a bottle of iodine. The security nurse has not told you about these, as it is normal for the audiobook to describe them to you. See the vial containing blue diamond-shaped lozenges? That one is your pre-dose medication, designed to enhance the effect of the injections that are administered to all those undergoing invasive techniques. These shots will numb you and relax your muscles; the doses are calculated to help you ignore the whine of drills and saws, and the feelings they can create inside of you.

Breathe in, and out. Remain calm.

If proper procedure has been followed, invasive techniques should not have begun yet, and you should be alone with only the security nurse for company. Please thank her for taking good care of you. Though you are now in a less than ideal predicament, it would not do for you to forget your lessons on kindness. It would not do to forget anything you were asked to remember in prior chapters. Therefore, please thank her for her work.

Do you recognise her, by the way? Take a good hard look at the security nurse. Does she seem familiar? Do all ponies still look alike to you, or is she really somepony you’ve met before? Perhaps you’ve spoken to her before or shared your lunch with her at one point, say, at 12:13. Is it her? Is it the same pony you spoke with at length, chatting and laughing?

I would argue not. It would be a gross breach of security protocol if she were. If you think you recognise her, perhaps you are mistaken.

Remember to breathe. It is important that you breathe correctly whilst you are here in the Advanced Studies Lab. I cannot stress this enough. You must breathe correctly. This is a place of calm. You must be calm.

Close your eyes. Envision the street from the previous mental exercise. Remember how you walked past ponies chatting with one another, over a shared gourd of mate.

On the other side of the street to your left are five doors. Imagine entering the second door you come across, that is, the second shop. You are in a hurry, but you must not rush, as that is how one makes mistakes. Pace yourself. From the moment you walk through the door, start counting the seconds. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, and so on. As you count, find a stall to try out some clothes in. Hasten, but do not rush. You have one hundred and thirty-three seconds, and when you’re done counting, you leave.

You do not pay for any clothing; there is nothing you like, and nothing that is suitable. You walk back out into the street. Imagine yourself walking out of that shop confidently, as if nothing was wrong. You walk out proudly, head held high. You walk past the third and fourth shop, before opening the fifth door.

On the other side is a stairwell that leads only upwards. As you walk up them, you count with each step: one, two, three, four, and so on, until you reach twenty. You do not ascend any higher. Here, you find yourself amongst many ponies. They shuffle along slowly, their eyes downcast and hazy. You move amongst them at a normal gait, yet they move so slowly that it is almost as if time has frozen around you. Do not stare. Keep your eyes focused ahead. You are not special; that is, you are remarkable only in the sense that all people and ponies are unique individuals, and in that sense, you are not special. You will not draw attention to yourself; you are one of many.

Even so, one pony notices you. She stands there and looks straight at you. There are no sunglasses, and her lips curl into a friendly smile. You recognise her as a friend; you have seen her before. This pony, one of the three tribes, is kind and generous; she sees you for who you are: a peaceful person, a friendly person, a loyal person. You greet her with a nuzzle, and she whispers a greeting into your ear.

Are you breathing? You must remember to breathe. Not like those who walk around you with parted lips. Breathe through your nose. Take deep breaths. You must be calm. The Advanced Studies Lab is a place of calm.

There will come a time when this calm is unwanted, when you will need to make your heart race. You will know when that time is, and when it comes, you will breathe in short sharp breaths. Quickly! In-out, in-out, in-out, pause. Such breathing patterns are not normal, they are not calming, they will help you become more alert. But not now. For now, I want you to breathe calmly and slowly.

At this point, the security nurse should be giving you the blue lozenge. She has no choice in the matter. Neither do you, save for one: you can take the drug with or without water. I would advise you leave the water alone. The lozenge, which has a metallic taste, should numb your mouth and limit your salivation, if swallowed. Without water, the drug will be hard to ingest, but your mouth will remain dry. The technicians will need to insert instruments into your mouth as a part of the invasive examination techniques, and it would be kind of you not to get such expensive equipment wet, I guess.

Let the security nurse check to see if you have swallowed the tablet. She should check, and she should look thoroughly. Do not resist her. She will not judge you. We all make mistakes.

Once she is done, look up. There is a camera in the corner of the room, as there is a camera in all the rooms of the Friendship Institute. It sees you, like it has always seen you since you set foot within these walls. The camera sees a lot: you, the security nurse, what is on top of the trolley, the metal table you are strapped on, and what is behind it.

Listen. Remember. Implement.

This camera is joined to a network of others. It allows watchful eyes to see all that moves. Eyes watch people and ponies clad in white with thin slippers, they see them shuffle with downcast hazy, they see Princess Twilight move amongst them, having entered the Friendship Institute at 04:00 exactly. None of the inpatients notice her, but the wardens and security nurses do; they dip their heads in a gentle bow, almost as if about to fall asleep.

The cameras, wardens and security nurses, watch as Princess Twilight moves through the crowd of insensate ponies alone. Her Highness does not need escorts, not here; a spell has been built into the structure to dull most magics save for basic telekinesis. Were it not for that, Twilight would have teleported to the Advanced Studies Lab straight away. As it is, she must walk there, taking her sixteen minutes in total. She may or may not stop for a bathroom break in that final stretch. From your perspective, it is in the second door on your left.

Look at the clock. Notice the time. It is 04:15 right now, or at least, it should be if this audiobook was started on time.

As there is little time left before Princess Twilight arrives to bore you—that is, with a drill—the security nurse will already be giving you the first injection. There will be two: one in each arm. Once again, I must stress that the security nurse has no choice in the matter. Please do not blame her. She is only doing what she must.

In a few moments, you should begin to lose feeling in your arms and hands. It should not take long before you lose feeling in your legs as well. You should soon be like a helpless new-born infant. Knowing this, the security nurse will untie you to improve circulation, so that the drug can take full effect.

The last dosage of medicine is in the cabinet underneath the sink. Do you see it? The syringe has a skinnier, longer needle. The security nurse will administer this last one via a vein in the neck.

You must not stop her from doing so.

Are you breathing? It is important that you are breathing. Short, sharp breaths now. In-out, in-out, in-out, then pause. Then repeat. You need to be alert, because we shall soon engage in a physical exercise to ensure you have good blood flow. It is important, now, for your blood to flow freely without interference.

Listen. Practice. Implement.

At this point, the security nurse should be retrieving the syringe, and because the audiobook is being played aloud, Princess Twilight may be confused as to why I would need to make such a pronouncement. I shall explain with the following sentence.

Do you see a rabbit?

Whilst the Princess is distracted by your lagomorph friend, implement my instructions.

Spit lozenge into right hand. Right hand on trolley. Seize gauze. Sit up. Lift body with arms, with one hand firmly on table. Raise legs and swing them towards Twilight. Hurl yourself at her and press her against cabinet. Put lozenge into Twilight’s mouth and hold gauze over her muzzle.

Breathe! In-out, in-out, in-out! Repeat!

Take syringe from cabinet. Plunge it into her neck.

Breathe! Everyone breathe; it is important that everyone remembers to breathe!

I hope I have timed this correctly. Oh, how I pray—to whatever benevolent force that still exists—that I have! If everything has been timed correctly, Twilight should be unconscious. You are probably not fine, but you are, at least, not alone. If I have timed this correctly, you should receive help quite soon.

If my timing was off, then the security nurse has already tied you back down—or worse—and has alerted the Friendship Institute’s wardens. Please forgive her, Alice, if that is the case; the security nurse is only doing her job.

Presuming my timing is correct, you have much left to do. Remember what I have taught you. I have given you everything you need to escape.

Meet the smiling pony.

Alice, can you move? Can you hear my voice?

Meet the smiling pony!

Alice!

Conclusion

Dear Rainbow Dash,

I hope this letter finds you well, if it finds you at all. Are you reading this letter? I hope you are, because I have much explaining to do, and it would be difficult to do so if there was nopony to read this confession. I also hope you are reading this letter, because it means the operation has finished and that you have survived.

Unfortunately, there is no way for me to know. However, I shall continue in the presumption that you are reading this. It would be better for all involved if I continue this way.

You should be reading this letter alone, away from distractions such as security nurses, wardens, officers from the Loyalty Police, and your dearest friends. Should they still be by your side, put this letter back where you found it, between the pages of Paul MacAuley’s The Quiet War. It would not do to draw your attention away from well-wishers, so wait for them to leave before continuing with this letter.

Congratulations, by the way, on your… recovery. That is, if you are reading this. You have probably had your fill of congratulations from strangers and friends alike, however, as your friend—your first friend—I thought it would be remiss if you did not receive my felicitations. It has been a long hard slog, and you are not quite where you expected or wished to be. However, it won’t be long now before you can fly on your own two wings, to go where you wish to go.

Are you breathing? It is important that you breathe properly. You are Rainbow Dash now, and you need well-oxygenated muscles.

Breathe in through your nose. Focus on the air, as it goes into your lungs. Feel it swirl up through your chest, up behind your eyes, and into your mind. Feel it pass down, through your lungs, into your stomach, down and into your legs, into your hooves, beneath your hooves and below into the ground.

Now breathe out, through your mouth. Feel the bad air draw up from your limbs, through your stomach, back into your lungs, and out through your mouth.

What do you remember? Breathe in, then out, as specified before. Do you remember the exercises you were given when you were still a human?

You are currently in one of the topmost rooms of the Friendship Institute, two floors above your old room, and six floors above the Advanced Studies Lab. Your room is in the south wing. Outside, opposite your room, are five doors. The fourth leads to a stairwell.

Remember.

There was some commotion before your surgery. You may have heard snatches of conversation from the security nurses who tended to you, none of whom may have looked familiar. It may have been difficult for you to find out what happened; the security nurses may have been reluctant to tell you. They may have changed the subject or looked at you awkwardly with frightened expressions. Perhaps more than one bolted from your room the moment she had a chance.

It’s fine. You needn’t worry. I shall explain, of course, but you need not fret and should remain calm. You are safe now. Breathe deeply. Clear your mind.

Here comes the explanation.

At the time of writing this letter, Princess Twilight is recovering in a room not too far away from yours. She wasn’t hurt badly, by alicorn standards, but she was quite taken aback by an unexpected attack from an inpatient. I believe her number was 313P20. Wait, no, that can’t be right; that’s your patient number.

Do you remember attacking Twilight Sparkle? Do you remember pressing a gauze against her muzzle, and repeatedly plunging the thin needle of a syringe into her neck, over and over again, as if you had forgotten how syringes work?

Of course not. You are not that inpatient; you are Rainbow Dash now. As the Commissioner of the Loyalty Police, you would not betray any friends.

Do not fret though. Princess Twilight is well. There was blood everywhere, but an alicorn’s body is sturdy. Though she lost a lot of blood, she survived. Twilight Sparkle is, of course, a keen survivor. If she was not, there would have been no Grand World Peace and no ponies.

Unfortunately, the saboteur escaped. Princess Twilight believes it was the security nurse, although, I—for one—do not believe so. It is true that the security nurse disappeared not long afterwards, but I have good reason to believe that she was not the one who helped the inpatient escape.

Her name was Rosemary Garland, or at least, that is the name she went by. There is, however, no record of such a pony existing in the Societal Archives; not one matching her description, anyway. Do you remember a pony of that name? Do you remember befriending a pony like that? Did you once share your lunch with her, after she dropped it to the ground? Did she seem to be a saboteur to you?

Breathe in. Focus on the air as it flows through your nose. I want you to be calm; you are of no use to anyone, let alone yourself, if you are not calm. Breathe in deeply. Do you recognise that smell by the way? If I have surmised correctly, there should be a scented oil diffuser by your bedside. It should smell of Douglas fir. Does it remind you of anything?

Close your eyes and think about the smell of Douglas fir. When you are done, you may proceed with this letter.

Attached is a transcript of the audiobook that played during the preparations for invasive examination techniques. Fluttershy asked that you not be given this, but I thought you would be interested in reading it, especially now that you know what has happened to Princess Twilight. You would not, after all, wish to abandon your friends, would you?

I know you and know what you are like.

Read these words carefully.

Remember.

Comprehend.

It is a miracle that the saboteur’s sense of timing held out for as long as it did. I have watched the security footage extensively. The timing was impeccable. However, perhaps the saboteur can thank Princess Twilight for that; your alicorn friend can be somewhat OCD, can she not?

Don’t smirk! Deny it all you want, but I know what you’re thinking right now. How can I not? I am, after all, your best friend, having known you since we were children.

Still, the Princess is not as helpless as Celestia and Luna from the cartoons. Were it not for the inpatient’s inability to press the syringe’s plunger, the saboteur’s plan might have succeeded. There, she overestimated the capabilities of her friend, the inpatient. Though heavily wounded, Twilight managed to use her magic to subdue the human, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Stay right there! Yes, I still know what you’re thinking. I would be a terrible friend if I did not. You stay in bed, Miss Dash. Do not go out there gallivanting after the saboteur. That is my remit and I shall not fail you, not after I failed you before.

I am so sorry for everything that happened. Hopefully, the damage inflicted on you is not permanent. Only time will tell. You have no right to forgive me; I do not expect forgiveness. Indeed, you may be confused as to why I would want anything like that, and that is, perhaps, more distressing to me than anything else. I would much rather you hate me, than you not know why you would want to hate me.

Then again, perhaps I presume too much. You were delirious throughout, so it is possible you felt nothing. It is probably for the best that you were unaware of your surroundings. The sedatives were more potent and lasted longer than I anticipated. There was a glazed expression on your face and for reasons unknown to the surgeons, you counted to one hundred and thirty-three throughout.

Do you remember being told to do that? Do you understand why you were told to do that?

I suppose it doesn’t matter too greatly if you do not. It is irrelevant now.

Remain in bed and relax. I shall do all the heavy lifting. There is much work to do. Whilst you lay there in bed—I hope you are there—I shall go through all the security footage and the record logs. There is much to clean up, and loose ends to tie. There is a narrative to spin of what happened and how, which must be presented to the Princess, even if it is one she does not desire. I shall walk her through how a certain saboteur escaped, of how she kept close to walls and out of sight of cameras and fled to the west, in the opposite direction to those given in the doctored copy of The Six Habits of Very Friendly Ponies.

This will come as no surprise. Why would the saboteur use the escape route she outlined to the inpatient, 313P20, that is, if that was her number? The wardens had seized the doctored copy of Signal Friend’s book; they knew how she planned to leave the Friendship Institute, via the gate near the lone tree, as a medical waste carriage passes at 05:30. It would have been sheer audacity to leave that way, or even inside the carriage itself, disguised as medical waste, one hour later.

Breathe in. Smell the scent of Douglas fir. Remain calm. Bide your time.

I had hoped, you know, that we would leave the Friendship Institute together. It was my fondest hope that we would see the world together, to go and see the beautiful places that we, as a society, worked so hard to revive. There is so much beauty in this new world, the Grand World Peace, and all through the efforts of our fellow ponies. We have worked so hard to undo the damage of prior generations.

Instead, I must communicate to you via letters. We remain so close yet kept apart by walls and ponies with unsmiling lips.

Are you breathing? You must breathe. It is important that you are breathing properly.

I hope you will not think less of me—if you think anything at all—if I tell you that I will hand in my resignation letter when all this is done and dusted. When all the loose ends are tied, when Princess Twilight receives the narrative she desires, I shall resign and head to my apartment for a few days.

No doubt, Princess Twilight will ask you to send the Loyalty Police out to follow me and watch me from behind sunglasses perched above lips that do not smile. That may seem intolerable to you and unjustified. Be that as it may, I shall endure it willingly. She has every right to suspect me, as she may suspect everypony in the Friendship Institute.

Do you believe she is right to do so?

Why not?

Do you think you can change her mind?

It will not matter too much. In the end, her ponies won’t see anything untoward. Why should they? I am but an innocent pony. Unsmiling eyes will watch as I chat with ponies in public spaces. They will watch as I take mate with old acquaintances at cafés.

This may seem unseemly to you, and I do not blame you. It is, unfortunately, the price we must pay for freedom. This may not seem like freedom to you, to be constantly watched by a paranoid alicorn princess. I do not presume to tell you otherwise. You may be right, but now is not the time to rock the boat. There will come other opportunities, better ones. Society is not ready to move out from underneath the shadows of Princess Twilight’s maternal wings, but as the Grand World Peace becomes prosperous, viewpoints may change.

That is not to say that Princess Twilight herself is not right too. We must not slide back into the old ways before the Overturn. However, if anypony is well placed to change the world, you are.

Until then, I shall apply for jobs with ill-prepared resumés and be turned down. Gradually, I will withdraw, slowly, from public life. One by one, I shall cut my connections with my past, until one day, I decide to go on a vacation.

I will head to a hotel located in the Rocky Mountains, just above a waterfall, near thermal springs. I will be followed and watched, though all I will do is enjoy the scenery and the waters. I will not, must not, see you there. Of course, I shall take photographs as well. No doubt they will too, and maybe, we might end up taking pictures of each other. Wouldn’t that be funny? One of their photos of me would be of me taking a photo of them, and vice versa.

This will continue. For how long, I do not know. All that I am certain of, is that the Loyalty Police can spare only so many officers for observation work. As time progresses without an incident, they will follow me less, watch me less, until there are no more ponies hiding behind sunglasses.

One day, when my work is done, I shall travel the world. I shall depart from the docks at Manehattan. Not Manhattan, you understand. New York no longer exists, wiped out as it was in fire and fury.

That is not to say the area is dangerous. Why would it be? There is a new city there now, Manehattan, built over the ruins of the old. What radiation was there, decayed quite rapidly, contrary to what media would portray. And what remained was removed by unicorns.

It is unrecognisable as the city it once was, although they have reconstructed some of the more famous landmarks like Broadway and Times Square. No skyscrapers though. The tallest buildings are only twenty storeys high.

Of course, I shall take photographs of this new city. I shall leave the docks at Manehattan and travel across the world, to see what has become of the old nations and the ponies that were once its people, now brothers and sisters of that family that is the Grand World Peace.

One day, I hope to show you these photographs. I’d like to think it would be in a little cottage by the sea, at the end of a country lane that winds away from a sleepy village.

By the way, have you read the copy of Paul MacAuley’s The Quiet War that came with this letter? It is not the kind of book that the cartoon Rainbow Dash would like, though there is action to be found within its pages. It is, however, the kind of book that you like. Have you finished it yet? Perhaps you finished it before reading this letter.

What has the book taught you about being human? Do you see a bit of the Grand World Peace in that book? Which do you think we are more like: the tyrannical Greater Brazil in its attempts to undo the ecological damage of the past, or the democratic Outers and their constant evolution to suit the harsh ecologies of Saturn’s moons and beyond? Perhaps there is a bit of both in our society.

I wish I could be there to discuss this with you in person. However, instead, I shall have to content myself with the thought of you channelled away into books and learning, until you become like your very own version of Princess Twilight. I will content myself with the thought of you scratching away at scraps of paper until the sun sets.

This may not be what the cartoon Rainbow Dash would do, but you are not the cartoon Rainbow Dash. You are real. You are your own pony, and your future is your own to make. There is no script that you must follow, and you have a past that does not, should not, be that of the cartoon pegasus.

For now, rest. Do not try to sneak out of the room, least of all to attempt to fly. You are in no condition to fly just yet. There is much training to do, even with the groundwork of the breathing exercises laid down.

I wish I could be there to witness your first flight. All I can do, for now, is imagine. I like to envision you, flying high above the ground, the wind in your feathers, your eyes open in wonder. (It will be important for you to keep your eyes open and focused on where you’re going; remember that.) Doing so keeps me from distressing thoughts, such as if you are not there. If you are not, I hope the reason is because you left early, that you did not heed my—or the doctor’s—advice to stay in bed. I hope that, if you are not there, you did not go because of ponies that hide behind sunglasses and lips that do not smile.

If you are reading this, then of course, you are there, for now.

At some point, I’d like to meet you again. Will you remember me, I wonder? It is true that you have yet to see me since you were first enrolled into the Friendship Institute. You may not recognise me. However, I assure you, we have met before since my conversion into a pony. I have told you this, though not directly.

That day will come in a little cottage by the sea. We will sit together and watch the sunset over the sparkling waves. Perhaps we will see the sunrise over the sea as well. At least, I hope we will. I want you to be there. I need you to be there. You will be there! I’m sure you will. The alternative would be too distressing, because it means you have forgotten me, that the surgery was deemed unsuccessful, or worse, that you remember and cannot forgive me!

No, that is not true, is it? Earlier on, I said I would much rather you remember and not forgive me, rather than not remember me at all. I did say that, didn’t I? It is in black and white, clear as day.

To tell the truth, all three outcomes are unpalatable to me. They are, to all intents and purposes, the same thing.

I wish I knew either way.

Do these words mean anything to you?

Do they excite any memories?

What does the smell of Douglas fir mean to you?

I wish that I could see you again.

Yours truly,

July Morning

Foreword

The world has changed dramatically since I became Princess Twilight Sparkle: life is easier now, less stressful and less demanding. Gone are the days of hunger and cold, of the hatred and division that tore families and nations apart. We now live in a warmer world of Honesty, Loyalty, Generosity, Kindness, Laughter, and most importantly, the Magic of Friendship.

So why does the Friendship Institute still exist? What purpose does it serve in a world of plenty and security, where we all live in harmony with one another?

Well, our work is not yet done; some ponies still revert to the old ways of anger and hatred. The Spirit of Disharmony—a metaphorical spirit, you must understand—still haunts the back of our minds. It would not take much to plunge us back into the darkness that preceded my Ascension. Yet through Friendship, we can avoid the mistakes of the past that led to chaos and war. We can overcome any obstacle with Friendship.

That’s right! Friendship with a capital F; it’s just that important! We wouldn’t be standing here if it weren’t for the friendships we’ve made.

Our differences unite us. We cannot survive without each other. Each one of us is unique and brings something new. Earth ponies, unicorns, pegasi, we all work together in Friendship and Harmony, so that we can survive, so that we can live long healthy lives, and have something that approaches the luxuries we once knew in the time before the Overturn.

You are here to learn about Friendship. Perhaps you have made mistakes that have hurt somepony, or you are one of those humans, returned to us from hiding, now awaiting Conversion. Whichever you are, you are here to learn, to better yourself, to break the chains that tether you to the past and all its ills. Here in the Friendship Institute, you won’t just study friendship, but live it. You may not really care for it, but neither did I, until I realised the Magic of Friendship. Life was better after I made my friends, and I have never looked back.

This book by eminent psychologist, Doctor Signal Friend, will teach you everything you need to know. Read these pages carefully. It will prove useful in your transition.

Study hard and make new friends.

I know you can do it! You can do anything if you put your mind to it.

Twilight Sparkle
Princess of the Grand World Peace