The Average Day of A Bad Self Insert: The Sequel: The Prequel

Spike stood in the forest that was burning earlier, in the same spot as before. His cigarette had long burnt out, but he still attempted to smoke it. His tail was charred.

He didn't notice any of these facts, nor did he feel it when he fell on his face. He fell straight as a board. The grass stuck itself in his eyes and the ash irritated them further. His eyes were slowly getting infected. A bunny stood on his back and relieved itself from both ends.

He was, however, in a different place. He stood in a room of pink and black checkered tiles. Electronic music was playing. He walked to a doorway. The doorway led to the exact same room, save for a bust of a human's head.

The head moved off the ground and uncovered a rainbow fountain. Spike walked to the fountain and jumped in. He suddenly awoke, and his tail was no longer burnt, nor was the bunny's excretions on his back. His eyes were not harmed. He seemed to have healed. He knew it was a good idea to use Zecora's 'herbal medicine' like this.

He decided to experiment with the medicine. He took a knife and stabbed himself in the chest, then quickly lit a new cigarette and smoked it. The knife fell out and the gash healed. It seemed as long as he got high, he was invincible. He then proceeded to hold the cigarette in his mouth and climb a 50 foot tree, then jumped off of it. He hadn't even skinned a knee.

He walked out of the forest and into the smoldering town. He looked around and found the remains of Twilight's library. He turned his hand in the air as if the doorknob was still there. He walked into the building. The ceiling collapsed behind him. He walked over to a bookshelf and took a charred book labelled 'Immortality and You" By Princess Celestia herself.

'If you are reading this book, the chances are you have recently became invincible. Whether by means of becoming a leading figure, or some dark magic nopony's ever heard of, you are definitely not leaving Equestria anytime soon. There's key factors to never dying, the main one being everypony you've known's life will be fleeting before you. There are also rituals to maintain this state. The first being the choice to sacrifice yourself for the next heir you choose. To do this, light a fire in the center of the room. Place an annointed dagger on a table in front of you, blade facing toward yourself. You then let the heir enter, then levitate/grab the knife and insert into vital organs. You will likely die, giving the heir your immortality.'

Spike thought about someone he could give the power to. Ace trotted into the room.

"Hey Spike, do you know where a book titled 'How to Run Away From a Rebel Army You Just Joined'?' " Ace asked.

"Hey, Ace. Can you leave the room real quick?"

Ace stepped out of the burnt up library. The crackling of fire was audible.

"You can come back in." Spike said.

"What's with the fire, Spike?"

He handed Ace a few pounds of 'Medicine', then stabbed himself.

"He must've read that book Celestia wrote to make ponies kill themselves because she was bored." He said to himself.

He looked at the bags of medicine. They were definitely drugs.

He trotted back to the Rebel camp with the drugs.

"Hey Twilight, Spike gave this to me before promptly stabbing himself. ...I guess you should have them since he was your pet."

Twilight took them.

"Thanks, it's about time Zecora gave me back my magical grass." She thanked.

It was common knowledge among ponies Twilight knew that she secretly did just about everything wrong a pony could do. She dealt drugs and avoided taxes, most notably.

Ace tried to stay out of her secret life, but he usually got tangled in it anyway.