DODGE!: Advanced Basic Combat Training for Pathetically Passive Pretty Pony Princessesby AdmiralTigerclawChaptersAvoiding the IssueEvading ConsequencesDucking ResponsibilitySkirting DisasterOh for the love of-DODGE!Avoiding the IssueIt started with a question. “How?” It was a simple question, asked by a child. A foal of maybe no more than five. “How?!” A question so simple, yet so loaded that few could avoid considering it. The Storm King's invasion of Canterlot, lead by Tempest Shadow, now known by her true name, Fizzlepop Berrytwist, had been quite the scare. Right in the middle of the annual guard field training exercise in the badlands. Right when relations with other major nations to the north were just getting going. Right as the Friendship Festival was getting under way. BAM! One, three-ship invasion, a few dozen troops in magic-resisting armor, and Canterlot actually fell. It was an embarrassment in national defense planning. But despite these oversights, only one question really mattered in the mind of the average pony... “How did one angry pony almost beat all four princesses, the greatest quartet of magical power in the world, in seconds?” This question nagged at many a pony, including the very one who had conducted the assault and had personally taken out the princesses. The conclusion, Fizzle came to, was not a happy one. Yes, she had the skills and the tools to counter the princesses and all their magical might. She had the element of surprise. She had induced panic causing her opponents to misidentify the threat. But it was almost too easy. Granted, Princess Twilight was saved by the sacrifice of a local, but otherwise, she was just as easily out of the fight from the start as the other three. It wasn't a fight, it was a rout, from the start. The then Commander Tempest was expecting at least a decent scuffle and a real challenge. Not three out of four contained and a chase half-way across the continent. When her concerns were brought to Princess Twilight's friends, they gave her odd looks, as expected, but realized she was indeed right. The Princesses, Equestria's most magically potent ponies, went down like, as Rainbow Dash put it, 'Third Rate Daring Do Villain Mooks'. This needed to be remedied. Or the next time someone like her came along, and DIDN'T have easily shattered delusions... Well, from what few seconds she spent trapped in the Storm King's petrification, it wouldn't be a happy day. So on a random spring day, some time just before lunch, Fizzle stood on the guard training and exercise field, staring down the four arguably greatest ponies in the world. “So,” the tall, white, Princess Celestia, voice hiding some awkwardness in it, began. “Twilight informs me you have some concern about how vulnerable we are. That we need some combat training?” “And physical conditioning,” noted Cadance. Shorter and shade of pink that reminded Fizzle of Pinkie Pie, now that she actually had more than a few seconds to look at the Princess of Love. “Pft!” Luna, slightly taller than Cadance and a deep blue, scoffed. “Maybe for sister. I get out at night.” “You ALL need training,” Fizzle felt her 'Commander Tempest' mode of thought kick in in order to keep the chatter down. Inwardly, she winced at taking such a tone with the ponies who only weeks ago had been her enemies. That she was allowed free reign at Princess Twilight's castle still left her partially shocked. “I was able to take the lot of you down in seconds. I had the advantage, but you shouldn't have made it THAT easy for me.” “Easy?!” Luna all but shouted in indignation. “You invaded the capital and call it-” “She almost killed you, Luna,” Twilight snapped. “If I hadn't caught you...” Luna closed her mouth with a huff, fuming silently in place. Fizzlepop winced at the reminder of that particular shot. In the silence, Princess Celestia gave her sister a measured look before returning it to Fizzle, a painfully motherly look on her face that almost dared the former commander to suggest a way to improve. “Twilight's right,” she stated diplomatically. “And so are you. We lost so quickly and I panicked without even thinking when you took out Cadance. It goes without saying that we need some kind of combat training. Will you be instructing us in this matter, then?” Fizzle opened her mouth, but was interrupted by a deeper, gruff voice from above. “No... That would be me.” All eyes turned to the sky. Above them hovered what appeared to be a changeling. A... Strange looking changeling. Instead of the typical black carapace and curved horn, it was green. And its, his? Head had a pair of antennae sticking out. It wore a white cape and turban as it frowned down at them, eying them in a manner Celestia recognized from hundreds of bodyguards over the centuries. Resisting the urge to panic, the princess posed the question on everyone's mind. “And you are?” “Hmmph,” the changeling grunted, descending to the ground silently. Luna took note that his wings never so much as moved as far as she could tell with the cape in the way. He landed with a soft click. “Name's Piccolo.” “The instrument?” Twilight asked. “Same,” he grunted once more. “Never though about why, but then again I know some folks with names better suited to a garden.” “So you're Piccolo?” Fizzlepop interrupted. “You know you're over an hour late, right?” Piccolo reared back awkwardly on his hind legs, crossing his forelegs with a scowl while standing up taller. “Yeah, well you try getting a new body figured out the next time you come through a portal-mirror between dimensions. See how long it takes you to get into fighting form.” Then he paused in his retort, looking himself over again. “Gotta' admit though, bitchin' natural armor. Makes me wonder if it comes with any other perks.” “Thou art a changeling,” Luna pointed out. “You should be able to turn into anything you want.” “Really?” Piccolo's eyes widened with a rather insidious smile gracing his features. “Okay, storing that for later.” Then he paused for a moment, his eyes darting to the side and annoyance taking over. “NO!” he snapped. “We are NOT trying that!” Everyone blinked at his outburst in confusion. “I don't CARE if it would look cool, Nail. We are NOT turning into a snake. It never helps.” Fizzlepop, and every princess present gave each other unsure glances at this exchange. Twilight, in particular, shuddering in revulsion. “And great,” Piccolo sighed. “Thanks to you two, they think we're insane. And yes, I know the wifi's out. That goes with the territory of going to another dimension where wifi doesn't exist. Now SHUT, UP.” With that, Piccolo returned his eyes to the group of princesses now giving him their best porcelain smiles. “Sorry about that,” he muttered. “Had to deal with some tenants. You know how it goes. Fuse with a dying smartass and an old fool for the power boost and you NEVER get any peace.” And before anyone could answer the contrary he continued. “So yeah... I'm out meditating in the wasteland (do that a lot) when I get a message from a friend on Spacebook tagging me. 'Hey, princesses with lots of power, can't fight, need training.' I owe bacon hair a favor for friending me on Spacebook in the first place, and I have openings in my schedule.” There was a pause. “Yes, 'the entire month free' does in fact classify as an opening, NAIL. Now SHUT. UP. I MEAN IT.” Piccolo looked back at the princesses once more. “So here I am,” he continued. “Bacon-bits gave me the lowdown she heard from... Trilight-” “Twilight,” Twilight corrected the changeling. “Highnoon for all I care,” Piccolo retorted without missing a beat. “I'm not judging for obvious reasons.” Twilight just shot him an annoyed look. “So I hear you just got invaded recently, and went down like a bunch of bitches to... Soda-pop?” “Fizzlepop,” the pony next to him rolled her eyes. “Though I went by Tempest at the time.” “Yeah,” Piccolo shrugged. “Like I said, not judging. When I got here it didn't take me long to realize exposure to this place would be sending me to the dentist early. Though hearing you've actually got some intimidating names around here is a relief. But yeah, you dropped these four like a bad habit?” “Three,” Fizz replied. “Princess Twilight got lucky when someone jumped in front of her.” Piccolo stole a glance at Princess Twilight before his eyes returned to the unicorn next to him. “Okay, so you with,” he paused again. “Feels like average power level for your species took down four-” Piccolo scowled again, eyes dancing across each princess in turn before he finished. “Right, you had no business winning this. What was your gimmick?” “Gimmick?” Fizz asked, slightly confused at the question. “Yeah,” Piccolo responded, pointing at the princesses. “Gimmick. Like these four. Tall horse, emo horse, horse with weird powers...” “Excuse me?” Cadance recoiled in offense. “And that one's obviously a nerd,” Piccolo laughed as he pointed at Twilight, who's ears folded in response. “I mean look at that bowl cut.” Then he turned back. “So spill, what's your secret?” “Some kind of petrification orb,” Cadance cut in with just a little bite in her voice. “I jumped in front of the first one she threw at us, but it went right through the shield I put up.” “Huh,” Piccolo placed a hoof to his chin, glancing at it for a moment for returning his focus to them. “Neat. So shields here work. And you said it went through yours? And I'm assuming you got-” “Turned to stone, or encased in obsidian, or whatever it was,” Cadance nodded. “I couldn't stop it. After that, the next thing I know, we're being let out. So...” “Right,” Piccolo waved the pink princess with the glass heart on or rear off. “You got Yamcha'd right at the start. No surprise there. Wouldn't be here otherwise. So what did the rest of you do after Glass-ass here got stoned?” The changeling glanced around the group for a moment, expecting a response that never came. After a few seconds he frowned. “Nothing?” he asked. “Scatter? Retaliate? Evaluate the threat? Faint? Girl just throws a ball of instant rock at one of you and nothing happens?” “I went for reinforcements from the Hippogrif lands,” Luna spoke up helpfully. Celestia immediately snapped her head around. “Only after I told you to run,” she corrected. “I don't think you even knew they existed as allies until I told you.” “I'm not even sure why you were telling me,” the darker sister replied. “You just stood there and-” “I realized we were going to need help,” the elder snapped. “All I knew is that magic was going to be a problem right there if Cadance went down so easily-” Piccolo watched the two sisters devolve into sibling bickering, noting a shocked look from both the pink princess, and little purple starburst. The pieces were slowly coming into place and he resisted an urge to put a hoof on his face. “Princess Celestia reacted immediately,” Twilight piped from the side. “She turned to face south and began dispatching instructions to Princess Luna for exactly ten seconds before Tempest, now Fizzlepop, struck her with a second orb in the barrel. Luna was in the air two seconds after that, gaining altitude at a sixty-degree angle for an additional three seconds before she was struck too.” Piccolo raised a brow, crossing his hooves again, glancing at her. Likewise, he explanation had caused the sisters to silence themselves. All eyes were now on her, causing her to step back slightly, ears folding. “You noticed THAT but froze when you saw the last orb aimed right at you?” Fizzle blinked. “Eheh,” Twilight continued to cringe. “I tend to over analyze things when put under pressure. It's a coping mechanism.” Eyes returned to Piccolo, who inhaled slowly, muttering something that sounded like 'go ham' under his breath. When he realized he was the center of attention again, he uncrossed his hooves and took a step forward. “Right-” That step was slightly awkward, and he paused, looking down at himself before just dropping to all-fours. “-So, I think I've got this now,” he continued. “Four princesses with the collective power level of-” Piccolo frowned again, glancing them over. “Let's call you somewhere between a Tien and a Krillin- Don't worry I know it doesn't make sense. You ALL get Yamcha'd by the equivalent to a baseball pitcher with a broken arm who's name may or may not be Hercule Satan. Again, don't ask. And you were all beaned in a single shot from an orb she most certainly had only a few of?” Silence greeted the changeling along side a few blank nods. “Well,” he began again at length. “At least one of you has anything close to sense in this group.” His eyes fell on Cadance, who smiled at the compliment, though she wasn't sure why she felt that was a mistake at the same time. “And if I weren't guilty of throwing myself in front of an attack a few times, I'd call you insane.” With that, he turned to Fizzlepop. “I might be able to train them,” he rumbled in a tone of barely contained contempt. “But I wouldn't get your hopes up.” “Hey!” Twilight. “What do you mean 'wouldn't get our hopes up'? I studied hard and went through a LOT of friendship lessons to earn my wings and I even invented a new kind of magic when I-” “NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!” Silence fell as Piccolo's voice echoed into the distance. Flabbergasted, Twilight said nothing further, prompting the changeling to continue. “Now,” he stated in a more authoritative tone. “I said I MIGHT be able to train you, but you'll have to pass a very critical first lesson before that. If you cannot pass this, I can pretty much say that without a doubt, you'll fail at fighting.” Curious, Princess Celestia stepped forward, a question on her lips. “And what lesson would that be?” she asked. “Is it classical conditioning? Endurance? Or perhaps-” The air cracked, Piccolo's green frame became a blur of motion that would put Rainbow Dash to shame, and with a loud 'SMACK!', Celestia stumbled to the side and almost fell over as she cried out in pain. The other princesses let out equally distressed cries as all the motion settled down to show Piccolo winding down from a vicious foreleg swing. “We start with some basic combat reflexes,” he stated coldly. “The most important being-” “HOW DARE YOU!” Luna bellowed from next to him, her horn lighting in a cobalt blue. “To strike mine sister unprovoked as thus! HAVE AT THEE!” Piccolo just glanced casually to the side as the shorter sister fired a bolt of energy from the tip of her horn. It was strong for this group's power, but not terribly impressive by his standards. A good smack would send it catapulting into a wall more or less harmlessly. But he had better ideas. With the slightest adjustment, the bolt of magical power ripped right past him, doing little more than heat the air as it passed. “Oh look,” he mocked. “Zero damage. A classic example of one of my greatest techniques before your very eyes.” Snorting, Luna began to light her horn once more. “And what would that b-” she growled but suddenly found her legs spinning sideways as she met with the grass. After a moment, she shook off the disorientation and looked up, a green hoof inches away from her face. “Dodge,” Piccolo stated informatively. And then Luna exploded. Author's Note So yeah, I cringed horribly watching the invasion for the MLP Movie. It wasn't the Antimagic McGuffins, those are excusable. It's when everyone who can do anything decides to stand around doing nothing to the point of parody. Now it's time to have our favorite parody combat instructor beat some sense into our favorite pretty pony princesses. Because dodging shouldn't be an afterthought. And don't worry, Luna's okay. EDIT: Huh... I set my viewing format to have Calibri and my sentence formatting works better. I really don't know what to make of this anymore. Question: How did Piccolo meet Sunset anyway? PICCOLO: Annual Former Bad Guys Now Good meeting. She was one of the few who wasn't afraid to talk to the big green alien in the room. Probably because she's technically also an alien, just, not big and green. That, and she could talk to Kami and Nail just by touching my arm. That was a really interesting game of mental poker. Kami won the pot. But only because his poker face is... Godlike. Also, that BETTER NOT be Kami snickering in there. Evading Consequences“Ow... Ow... Ow...” Luna grumbled as Shining Armor and Cadance applied a dressing to one of the many burns on her fur. “Remind me not to step in front of anything like that ever again...” “You know,” Cadance frowned as she wove some healing magic in with her ministrations. “I think that was kind of the point.” “I don't recall points needing to be demonstrated by explosions,” the Princess of the night grouched. “It was uncalled for.” “Well,” Celestia, an ice pack levitated to her cheek by Twilight, commented idly. “You did try to strike him down yourself.” “But he struck you!” Luna protested. “What else would I have done?!” “Evaluate the situation, sister,” Celestia replied. “Even with the rough treatment, it was clear what his test was, and I failed it spectacularly.” “Test?” this came from Twilight. “What kind of test involves punching a princess of Equestria into next week?!” “A reflex test,” Cadance answered, putting the finishing touches on her tending. “And as much as I hate to admit it, aunty is right. It's just like the drills Shiny puts the troops through. She put a hoof forward, and made herself the first target. Isn't that right dear?” “Yeah, that's about the size of it,” Shining replied. “Never be first. Never be last. Never volunteer for anything. Break those, and you get... Special, attention.” Twilight stared at her brother and sister-in-law with a look of pure shock. “But,” she began. “But that's insane! And how does it justify-” “Be at ease, Twilight,” Princess Celestia placed a wing over her former student. “I think Piccolo means well. And we will need to learn to be stronger and faster if we are to hope to improve.” “Yeah but,” Twilight paused, taking a moment to regulated her breathing. “But did you see how he moved? That wasn't a teleport, but I'm pretty certain it was fast enough for one. What even WAS that?” “That,” came Piccolo's gruff voice. “Was Zanzoken.” The green-armored changeling settled into the group silently, resting once more on his hind legs as his cape billowed in the breeze. “And as you saw,” he continued. “It is quite effective at hitting unsuspecting fools in the face.” “How does it work?” Twilight asked. Piccolo only gave her a brief condescending glance. “Not saying,” he groused. “You're not ready for it. Not until you pass my lesson.” “But-” “AFTER,” Piccolo glared. “You pass.” With that, the changeling turned to address the group as a whole. “Now, if you're quite done kissing your owies and crying about how the big bad Namekian hit you-” “Nameh-what?” Twilight interrupted. “...” Piccolo stated, his glare intensifying. Twilight's ears folded as she ducked further under Celestia's wing. “I'll just be quiet now,” she mumbled. “Good,” Piccolo grunted. “You're learning. Now, as I was saying. If you're through being a bunch of brats about this, we can get started with your intense training by your's truly. I'm not going to sugarcoat this or lie. One or more of you might be killed.” Cadance gasped in horror, a wing covering her mouth. “Yeah, don't worry about that,” Piccolo waved it off. “If that does happen, we've got Dragon Balls on my side of the portal. You die, I wish you back, we keep training. Easy as a kick in the teeth. Just be prepared to experience cardiac arrest. It's a shock the first few times.” Allowing a moment for that to sink in and ignoring looks of confusion, Piccolo then tossed a small bag on the ground in the middle of the group. “Those are Senzu Beans,” he stated curtly as a few spilled past the drawstring. “They're magical. You get magical, right? You get seriously hurt, break a dozen bones, run out of stamina, or otherwise get punched through a mountain, eat a Senzu, you'll be right back in top form. No problem. However, we've only got a limited supply, so if I catch you eating any for anything else, I'll make sure you need a second one immediately.” Piccolo spared a moment of his explanation to cast a slow look around the group. Cadance visually swallowed, and Twilight continued to hide under her mentor's wing while Luna just shot him a stern look. After a few pregnant seconds of silence, Fizzle, silent to this point stepped forward, sweeping the bag up. “I'll hold them,” She stated. [Removing Embed. Youtube Deleted it. Was Karaoke Version of 'Be a Man' from Mulan] Piccolo spared Fizzle a momentary glance, nodding almost imperceptibly in approval before turning back to his four new proteges. A quick sweep assigned them in order of power and their body language shuffled that order in terms of who would need to be given the highest priority. “Right,” he stated after a moment. “So, first thing we're going to do is-” And then he paused, his ears twitching at the distant sound of a snare drum. “What's that sound?” he asked. Princess Celestia responded, her ears going up as she noticed it too. “Oh,” the elder princess replied, an almost imperceptible bob of her head. “That's just the Guard DNC Marching Company starting their afternoon practice. Don't worry, they won't interfere.” Piccolo glanced across the field, noticing the group of ponies marching in gleaming armor. A quick power assessment measured them as non-entities even if they did interfere. At best, an extra training obstacle. Something he could make use of to throw the- His eyes caught synchronized movement in front of him and he returned his focus to the four princesses. Their tails were all swaying together like a metronome, previously imperceptible swaying now very much displayed in uncharacteristically lockstep fashion as their bodies seemed to rock forward with the distant beat the marching band was playing. Confusion gave way to horror as he realized what was going on, even as distant brass started a crescendo. “Oh we are SO not-” Shining armor landed between him and the princesses, his voice snapping out melodically, and with great force. “LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS!” He was definitely a former commanding officer, if the pipes on him were any indication. Even Nail and Kami agreed he didn't sound bad. “TO PROTECT! OUR WORLD!” All four princesses were now all but dancing in place, heads clearly bobbing to the beat. Piccolo's eyes narrowed. “Yeah, no.” Before shining could start the next line, a brilliant beam of energy leapt from Piccolo's now outstretched hoof. It shot over the band, crashing into a castle tower in the distance and exploding with a force that made what he did to Luna look like a firecracker. The thundering blast had the effect of both drowning out the band, scattering them in terror, and making sure that he had the undivided attention of every princess there. “Nope!” he stated with a bark. “I'm not doing that again. We are NOT going to have a musical training montage here. We're going to do this the RIGHT way. MY WAY.” With the echo of the blast still bouncing around the mountain side, the green changeling leaned forward, glaring at his trainees. “Any questions?” There was no response, only stupefied gapes. “Good,” he continued with look of satisfaction. “Now, a question from me...” Piccolo returned to the vertical, floating up and and backwards silently. “Which one of you wants to go first?” Silence reigned as the princesses glanced at each other, it slowly dawning on them just what they were actually in for. Even without words, it was clear from the glances that an argument was taking place. None of them wanted to be first, and were hoping someone else would volunteer. Piccolo's frown became a smirk. “All of you at once then,” he stated. The shocked looks he immediately received were highly satisfying. “EEEYEEEAHH!!!!” his voice suddenly thundered with a volume that could be heard all around Canterlot. The changeling exploded into a terrifying display of fire and lightning that threw everyone near him off their hooves and backwards several meters. “What sorcery-?!” Luna shouted into the din of rushing air and crackling static. Her shock was mirrored on the features of her fellow princesses as they gazed at the maelstrom now surrounding their new instructor. “We're going to play a game,” Piccolo thundered from the heart of the storm. “It's called Namekian Dodge Ball. The rules are simple. If you get hit, you're out. There are two teams. The chumps, and those who are 'It'. Spoiler alert: I'm 'It'.” “I'm suddenly very apprehensive about this!” Twilight shouted, some of her color having drained from her features. “That's... EASILY Tirek levels of power with Discord thrown in for good measure.” “It's just training!” Cadance shouted back. “Just play the game!” Piccolo held up a hoof, a sphere of light forming on it. “We think he plays a bit rough!” Luna chimed in. “It occurs now that easing in is not something he understands!” “Then perhaps we should take his advice!” Celestia shouted, turning tail and bolting as fast as she could. “Make like the wind and-” Piccolo hurled the sphere of blazing doom towards them, a familiar shout leaving his lungs. “DODGE!” Author's Note Buckle up. It's time for Namekian Dodge Ball. It's like 'smear the queer', but in Soviet Russia. Because in Soviet Russia, Queer Smears YOU. Ducking ResponsibilityAuthor's Note WARNING The chapters from here on out contain copious amounts of princess abuse. Read with caution and keep your plushies out of the room. YOU have been WARNED. Ducking Responsibility Explosions solve everything. “Flee! Young Sparkle! He hath spotted thee!” Even things they shouldn't solve. “GAAAH!!!” “DOOOOOOOOODGE!” Especially things they shouldn't solve. BOOM! As well as problems they themselves create... “I'd give you an A for effort if you actually showed some effort, NERD! Now pick your ass up and DODGE like a real fighter! If I catch you trying that teleport again, I'm going to teleport my currently transformed fist so far up your ass they'll have to re brand you the princess of colonoscopy!” “Twilight! Magic takes too long! Don't try-” “AND WHO SAID YOU COULD STOP MOVING, CANDY HAIR?! DODGE!” “YIPE!” BOOM! Though, honestly? They're just fun to watch. The... 'Game' ...had been going on for a mere forty-five seconds at this point. And so far, the score was Piccolo: 'All the points'; And Princesses: -13. Fizzlepop was barely keeping count. The violent commotion was already attracting a small crowd consisting of guards, castle cleaning staff, and a few shocked weather pegasi. Many were confused, unsure if this was yet another invasion of the changeling nature, a revenge scheme gone mad, or a publicity stunt. However, aside from a castle tower missing a spire, the carnage seemed to be confined to the practice field. Of the three times one of the princesses had made it to the edge, Piccolo blurred into place and greeted them with a gentle tap, blasting at least one of them into a spontaneously appearing divot fifteen meters long. “No going out of bounds. Also dodge.” Of the four princesses currently competing in this painful new blood sport, Cadance was probably doing the best. After the initial blast from the orb Piccolo threw had blown them half-way across the field, she'd jumped to her hooves and taken to a mad sprint in an effort to spread herself out from the others. This was both good and bad. Good in that it did spread Piccolo's attention out. Bad, because she singled herself out by accident. The resulting zanzoken caught her without her brain even firing a synapse in response before a leg interrupted her sprint, sending her tumbling head over tail. Princess Celestia, who'd been the first to get her head about her in realization that Piccolo was serious with his death orbs, hadn't fared nearly as well. Despite being the first to bolt, she was the closest to the center of the blast and had landed in a none-too-respectable position. Taking advantage of what she thought would be a moment to recover was a huge mistake as she got up, trotted in place to shake the dust off, and greeted a certain changeling's incoming hoof. “DODGE! Also, combat doesn't pause so you can fix your hair.” If Celestia had heard the second part between the ringing of her concussion and the whistling of the air as she catapulted through it, Piccolo didn't know. What he did know, is that the point could further be made as he zipped into place behind her, kicked her skyward, popped up to the apex of her flight, and did the best double-axe-handle he could pull off without fingers. Unfortunately, as flawless as his form was, the princess couldn't appreciate it, having been smashed into the ground with enough force to crater it. “Fizzle,” Piccolo intoned as he suddenly appeared next to the shocked unicorn. “Senzu bean.” “S-” she blinked. “Senzu bean?” Piccolo eyed her, then eyed the crater where one disjointed white wing was twitching above the rim. “Senzu bean,” he rumbled. Nodding, the former commander began to trot forward, suddenly very happy this guy had been nowhere NEAR the Storm King's invasion. Piccolo returned to his work. Twilight, with a little practice from her fight with Tirek, managed to ride the blast out before face planting against one of the guard's victory-challenge climbing towers (No wings or horns allowed). She'd bore witness as she peeled herself off to both Cadance and Celestia's folly, and watched in mute horror as her mentor was subjected to more G-forces in five seconds than she was certain Celestia had ever experienced over her entire substantial lifetime. Concern for her near-mother-figure overwhelming her common sense, she shook off the impact and darted towards Celestia's fallen form even as Fizz began trotting in the same direction. It was only by virtue of Luna's frantic call that Twilight realized she was under attack. The wall of green and white bearing down on her like a locomotive almost connected even as she reflexively calculated the best location a teleport would place her to be out of the changeling's trajectory for at least six seconds. Unfortunately for Twilight. Piccolo felt the magic, felt it project to the destination, and shot a bolt of energy in that direction even as he shouted his now familiar command. Twilight popped out of existence, and popped into her new spot just in time to see the bolt of energy growing larger in her vision, and only had enough time to shout in surprise before she was blown out of the sky. Tumbling across the ground, Twilight just barely comprehended the berating their new instructor was giving her. A moment later, Cadance shouted something about not using magic, and it was likewise followed by berating, 'DODGE!', and another explosion. Luna was still trying to pull herself out of her own divot. She'd only just barely not gotten her fur burned off by the initial blast, and had been flung clear of the field. However, even as she managed to correct her tumble, Piccolo was there with a snide remark and a casual backhoof that dug her in so deep into a wagon-rut of her own making, she was certain she'd be wearing a dress to hide the patches of missing fur for months. Her vantage had allowed her to see Piccolo's charge on Sparkle just in time to shout a warning, and get front row seats to brilliance. While Twilight picked herself up off the ground in a dizzy manner, and Cadance dove and tumbled with another small blast, Luna hauled herself out and took to the air. Clearly the ground wasn't the best place to be. If Piccolo could fly, they'd better be doing so too. The elbow to the spine disputed that claim with a vengeance. “AWH!” Luna gasped as her body went rigid in shock. She went down in a heap but managed to kick herself into a roll that barely avoided a stomp that would have smashed her rib cage. “Why?!” she gasped out as Piccolo paused for a moment. “PRAY-tell doth thee strike our blind spots, THEN warn us?!” “Because if I take it easy on you, you won't learn,” Piccolo retorted condescendingly. “Train as you fight.” “But,” Luna gasped, coughing up a small spat of blood, blinking at it, and then continuing. “But how can we learn if we cannot even SEE thine attacks?! Thine movements thus far are so fast that the warnings of evasion cease to have valid meaning!” Piccolo stepped back, crossing his forelegs in that same evaluating look they'd quickly learned to be wary of. “Then why bother using your eyes?” he asked. “I'm not exactly hiding my energy at the moment.” Luna blinked, confusion written over her otherwise pained expression. “Hiding thine energy?” she asked. “Time's up! Lesson over-DODGE!” was the only response she got before a hind leg folded her midsection around it. Half a second later, her head emerged violently from the inside of the crater rim Celestia recently made. Fizzlepop looked up from where she was just administering a Senzu to the sun princess, grimacing at the shape the younger sister was now in. “Senzu bean?” she asked. “Please...” Luna twitched. “We're afraid we can no longer feel our tail.” Meanwhile, several dozen meters away, Twilight and Cadance were in a huddle just behind the Victory-challenge tower. “Okay,” Cadance began. “So he's stronger than us, faster than us, and apparently has loads more combat experience than even Shiny could pull from half the guard. But I'm sure we've got something over him...” “Like what?” Twilight hissed. “You saw it as well as I felt it. I couldn't even teleport without him picking me out of the air just now. We haven't even been doing this for two minutes and he's practically breaking us like twigs during the running of the leaves. What is this guy MADE of?” Before Cadance could respond, Piccolo's voice once more interrupted their musings. “I dunno,” he began from above them. “For the longest time I thought I was a demon king... Then it turns out I'm more like an alien slug man. Though, I've fused with God if that means anything to you. That last part might be a little bit of what's causing you trouble, but then again, you ladies are really, REALLY slow.” “GAH!” Twilight snapped in frustration. “And how do you keep DOING that?” “What?” Piccolo asked, looking around. “This? You're just not looking up. Meanwhile, I explicitly recall saying the name of the game was DODGE!ball... Not Hide and Seek.” He then smirked. “So what should you ladies do right about now?” Gulping, Cadance looked around before laughing uneasily up at the changeling. “Eheh... Dodge?” Victory Tower suffered brutal defeat as it was blown to splinters. Skirting Disaster'It tastes like lima,' was the first coherent thought in Celestia's mind as her eyes shot open to the magical rejuvenation of the Senzu bean that mashed between her teeth. In mere seconds, the crippling pain left her body as the rejuvenated Alicorn sat up. With a small pop, she reassessed the injuries she was certain included a shattered spine, mangled wings, and completely dislocated foreleg. Even the burns from the explosion were gone. “Intriguing,” she muttered, turning her head towards her groaning sister as Fizzlepop likewise was assisting the princess of the night in chewing. A loud pair of crashes and a burst of dirt signaled the arrival of both Twilight and Cadance as they smashed through the crater-rim head first. Both groaned in barely conscious pain. “Ugh...” Luna shook her injuries off as the Senzu she consumed did its work. “Brutality. Thy name is a woodwind instrument. Cadenza, Sparkle, art thou conscious? Or perhaps alive?” “Hubeu...” Twilight managed to groan. Fizzle turned to them, wincing at their injuries before stepping forward. “Here, I've got this,” she sighed, shaking her head before stuffing a bean in Twilight's mouth. “I kind of thought he was joking with the 'one of you might die' part. But after seeing what he just did...” “In our brief dialog with him,” Luna shook out her wings, frowning that the regeneration didn't come with a free auto-preen. “He spoke about not hiding his energy.” Celestia glanced at her sister. “Hiding his energy?” she asked. “What does that have to do with anything?” “Everything,” Piccolo alighted amongst them. Both Celestia and Luna flinched. Twilight and Cadance, still coming around, barely reacted. Piccolo gave the group a casual eye before he continued. “Your regular senses are slow and easy to fool,” he stated academically. “You can't avoid my attacks so long as you're reacting off your eyes and ears. Homing in on my energy will give you better warning.” “Even attacks from our blind spots?” Luna asked. “ESPECIALLY attacks from your blind spots,” Piccolo rumbled. “Once you can sense my intent, you should be able to keep pace with the action. If only a little.” Celestia spoke up. “And just how might we go about sensing this energy?” she asked. Piccolo raised a brow-plate. “You're like, a million years old-” Celestia pulled her head back in shocked offense. “-you haven't figured something that basic out?” For a moment, the changeling suddenly let his eyes drift off to the side. Then he grunted in annoyance. “I don't CARE if it was uncalled for, Kami. She's older than YOU.” More silence. “No, they'll figure it out on their own! They're BIG magical talking pastel horses, Nail! They'll take their licks and learn like ADULTS!” During another round of seeming silent comment, the princesses gave each other a fresh round of worried glances. Luna rolled her eyes, twirling a hoof around her ear while making a goofy face. Then suddenly, Piccolo's eyes snapped back to them with an irritated grunt. “Yeah, I have to deal with something real quick. Take thirty and think about how to sense my energy. We'll recommence then.” Then he shot into the sky, yelling at the air. “I don't CARE if they're cute and cuddly! Cute and cuddly doesn't stop an angry Saiyan's fist!” They all stared as he departed, eyes trailing him as he cleared the highest tower and disappeared as his cape blended in with the snows of Mount Canter. Cadance was the first to lower her eyes, brow line furrowed in concentration. “I worry about him,” Twilight commented as her own head followed. “We haven't known him for ten minutes but...” Celestia held up a hoof. “Do not worry about it,” she advised. “His eccentricities are not our concern.” “Sister,” Luna interrupted. “I have eccentricities. But even at my most mad, I was of one mind, be it one that was filled with jealous rage.” “Still,” Twilight cut back in. “About that energy sense. I think it would be a good idea to figure it out.” “But how, fair Sparkle?” Luna asked. “He didn't give us any clues to it.” “But he did,” Celestia interjected. Luna cast an inquiring gaze upon her sister. “Pray tell?” “He spoke as if it were simple enough that a child could understand it,” the elder princess pointed out. “The act must be surprisingly simple, perhaps even as simple as summoning our magic.” “If it were THAT simple,” Luna frowned. “Shouldn't we have it figured out by now?” Celestia shook her head. “Sometimes even the most simple solutions can pass one by,” she spoke sagely. “It is a common trait of learning to miss a detail that would make things simple if another, more prominent detail is presented first.” Celestia turned a motherly smile on Twilight. “Isn't that right, my former student?” Twilight nodded sheepishly, remembering a few occasions where the 'simple' solution came in late. Not entirely satisfied, Luna turned to Cadance. “And what do you th-” She paused, noting the alicorn of love hunched forward, her eyes closed with a look of concentration on her face. After a moment, she spoke. “I think...” she began. “I think... I think I've got it.” “Thou has?!” Luna exclaimed in excitement. “Do tell!” Cadance furrowed her brow harder, her ears twitching ever so slightly. “It's...” She began. “It's like a tingle. It feels like the tingle before a storm. It prickles at your fur somewhere between the sense of touch and warmth... Piccolo is like. He's like a small sun, above us. Getting warmer... Brighter... more electr-” Cadance's eyes snapped open, pupils small as pinpricks. “DODGE!” She shouted, taking flight. Luna bolted out of the crater, Celestia going the opposite direction. “What?!” Twilight gasped, looking back and forth at the two and then up where Cadance went. The blazing ball of doom was not what she expected. “GAH!!!” “AHAH!” Piccolo boomed from above. “Somebody's starting to get it! The rest of you need work.” Rolling to a painful stop, Twilight coughed up some dust, turning to glare at the changeling. “You gave us thirty minutes!” she shouted. “What the hay!” “Seconds,” Piccolo corrected. “I gave you thirty seconds.” Then he paused, looking to the side. “I know I only said 'thirty', Nail. Why in the world would anyone assume it was half an hour of down time after two minutes of ass-beating?” “Twilight!” Cadance shouted, looping high and diving for the dirt. “You're holding STILL!!!!” Twilight blinked, glancing at her sister-in-law, then back at Piccolo, who was no longer there. “She's right you know,” his voice all but spoke into her ear. On a panicked reflex, Twilight struck out with her hind legs, trying to smash the object of her terror. “Ole'!” Piccolo swept his cape clear as he round-housed Twilight across the field. A guard near the back wall dove for the ground as she smashed a hole into it. “I'm okeh!” she shouted. With a burst of dust, Piccolo left his previous strike, lancing upward. Cadance's eyes widened as she felt the force coming. In a desperate move, she flapped her wings to contort herself out of the way. “Good!” Piccolo's hoof just barely grazed a feather. “There may be hope for you after all!” Cadance grit her teeth, trying to flow from one motion into another as she felt the power surge in a different direction. Piccolo's rear leg just barely missed taking her horn off, and yet another burst of power signaled the changeling rolling from one miss into another strike of opportunity. Cadance held onto that feeling for everything it was worth, flapping and twisting like an airborne ballerina as whistling cracks exploded in her ears. This sequence went on for six or seven iterations before she suddenly realized she was running out of angular momentum. The next surge wouldn't miss, and in a move of desperation, she shoved her forelegs in front of the blow and flashed up a shield. “NOW WE'RE TALKING!” Piccolo yelled, smashing the shield hard enough to shatter it without slowing down and hammered right into the block. Cadance exploded backwards, but felt where she was going, flexing her body so as to place her hooves below. She hit the ground with a thunderclap but managed to remain standing as furrows dug themselves around her hooves. After a few seconds to let the sensation of stone-shattering numbness leave her hooves, the pink princess gaped up at the changeling, eyes wide and breathing hard. “Better,” Piccolo shouted. “Dodge when you can; deflect what you can't; block only if you must. Take a breather while I go crack a few other skulls.” And then he exploded in a new direction. Celestia and Luna, who'd halted as they watched the exchange that Cadance had just participated in, cast glances at each other at the difference this 'energy sense' made. It was of course, obvious that Piccolo wasn't striking at anywhere near his full speed, but it was none-the-less impressive to see the warnings Cadance was internally reacting to in action. “We must master this quickly!” Luna snapped, immediately trying to pick up that touchy-warmy-lightning...y sensation her niece spoke of. With little to work with, she only picked up a sensation more akin to an imminent lightning strike. It wasn't much to go on, but Luna seized it none-the-less, yelping and diving as Piccolo slammed into the ground next to her and smashed his hoof into the spot she'd just vacated. She couldn't pick anything out of the continuous flow of raw power, only seeing the changeling begin rapidly stomping forward like a locomotive. Lacking any logical options, Luna started throwing herself along in a continuous roll, momentum saving her from smash after smash. There was no time to pick anything out. The sensation was everywhere. Suddenly it wasn't. It was behind her and her next roll hesitated. A moment later, the princess of the night was punted, though the blow seemed to have nicked her in the side rather than buried itself deep into her organs. “By the tides,” she blinked in shock even as she slammed into her sister like a bowling ball. Shaking off the collision, Luna glanced down at her sputtering sister. “Why didn't thou dodge?” she asked. Celestia only glared back, perturbed at the lack of appreciation for catching her younger sister's wayward flight. Then Luna's head shot up, the prickling on her spine rapidly approaching lightning strike. “FLEE!” She bolted forward, clearing her sister's field of view to reveal a series of arching energy rounds homing in on her position. Full panic took over and the day princess rolled onto her belly, hooves scrabbling in the churned up soil for any kind of purchase. A few false-start kicks and she managed pull forward. And not a second too soon. The spot behind her exploded, then a spot next to her exploded, and pretty soon Celestia was desperately sprinting through a veritable mine field of incoming energy bombs. They felt like tiny suns, each vying for her attention to make them set. Jinking as one sun all but singed her mane, the princess put on a burst of speed, transitioning from a sprint to a full gallop, something she hadn't done in centuries. Nearby, Piccolo continued to launch blasts into the sky, raining a hailstorm of death at the galloping princess. “That's right!” he shouted. “Dodge! Dodge, dodge, DODGE! Don't stop! Don't wait! Move your cake-eating ass and get some cardio in! And don't think for a second I can't figure out who eats the cake in this group! I saw the fat jiggle the moment I hit you the first time! It may be spread out to hide it, but I know a lack of muscle tone when I see it!” The explosions continued to erupt around Celestia, clouds of dust and dirt peppering her from every direction. If the muck had been shiny, it might have been a sight to behold. Unfortunately, it was composed mostly of dirt, rocks, and grass clippings; not ice, water, or gemstones. And pretty soon Princess Celestia, regent of the sun and custodian of the day, looked more like a professional hoofball player than the leader of a nation. Another jink to the side and Celly began to get her wits about her. Her wings opened, flapped, and she took off like a shot. Unfortunately, she neglected to account that the energy bombs were coming in from above. 'BOOM!' “C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!” Piccolo shouted. Princess Celestia pulled herself out of a fresh crater, spitting out a rock. In the back of the field, Twilight slowly stumbled out of the hole in the wall, shaking off another probable concussion. “Okay,” she gasped, steadying herself on the guard standing there. “You can do this Twilight. Just pick out his... energy from background. No problem. If I'm guessing this right, it's probably a trans-exothaumic reaction. Those are simple to sense, right? Normally nopony bothers with those because exothaumic reactions might was well be background radiation... right?” The purple princess glanced at the guard she was learning on. He blinked mutely and shifted a hoof back. “Right,” she stumbled away from the guard's personal space. “Sorry.” Then she stumbled back onto the field, muttering as she went. “So if the trans-exothaumic reaction can be felt as a... tingling sensation somewhere between touch and heat, then it means that it's emitting electromagnetic radiation that is somehow triggering nerve endings in the body! And if that's the case, then that prickling sensation I'm feeling that's blooming into a wall of fire is-” Twilight's eyes shot up about the same time the blast collided with her face. The guard behind her cringed. “DODGE! NERD!” Author's Note Oh hey, they're starting to learn! So far, Cadance is in the lead, Luna's right behind her. Celestia really needs to get out more, and Twilight... *Sigh*. Eyes front, girl. Never, EVER let Princess Twilight have a smart phone. She doesn't need texting to distract her from herself. I was planning to use Hyperion Slaughter for this chapter, but then Rotgut Distillery (Combat) just started to feel more like the right mood here. Oh for the love of-DODGE!“-cess -ighlight...” “Princess Twilight?” The taste of lima jolted Twilight's mind from the dark recesses of the abyss back to something more or less like a fuzzy interpretation of reality. “Come on Princess Twilight, shake it off.” “Yeah,” the snark of an unknown voice piped in. “Just shake off being dead.” “Not helping.” “I'm a guard. We haven't even gotten to PRACTICE doing that...” “So I've noticed. Where even WERE you when I launched my attack in the name of the Storm King?” “Badlands training. Didn't you read the opening narrative?” “You're not related to the Pie family are you?” “Not that I know of. Why?” “Never mind, just help me get her on her hooves...” Twilight's eyes shot open as she gasped for air. In a flash of warmth, all her aches and the sensation of seared skin were gone. Standing around her were Fizzlepop, a guard, and Piccolo. “What...” she coughed. “What happened? I remember trying to figure out that energy sense and the next, fire.” “Well,” Piccolo started. “I know you didn't dodge, considering my Ki-blast pretty much Yamcha'd you on the spot-” “You died,” the guard interrupted helpfully. “I'm pretty certain she was only ninety-NINE percent dead,” Piccolo glared irritably at the armored stallion. “Otherwise the Senzu wouldn't have worked.” “Hey,” the guard shrugged. “Her heart stopped. That's clinically dead in most Equestrian medical circles.” Piccolo raised a brow-plate. “Most?” The guard paused, glancing at Twilight, who was still trying to piece the situation together. “We don't talk about the necromancer's guild.” Even Fizz gave the guard an uncertain look. Shaking her head, Twilight cracked her neck, glancing over her shoulder to make sure both of her wings and her tail were still there. Nothing seemed out of place. “So what did I miss?” she asked, turning back to the three. “Well,” Piccolo began. “Aside from thirty seconds of DODGE! Practice- hold on a second...” Piccolo turned, casting his foreleg out and launching over a dozen bright death spheres into the air. “DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE!!!!!” he screamed, then turned back Twilight. “...Not much.” “That's another thing!” Twilight snapped. “Ever since you got here, you haven't done anything except hit us, yell at us, and blow us up! How is that supposed to be TRAINING?!” Piccolo frowned, casting sidelong glances at Fizzlepop and the unnamed guard. They returned the glance with a shrug and eye-roll respectively. “Well,” the changeling finally returned. “It's worked out so far...” Eyes turned back to where explosions began rocking the training field and yelps of the other three princesses could be heard as they all danced around. A particularly pained scream announced Celestia missing a step and getting blasted through the air. “...Mostly.” Twilight gaped incredulously at the carnage in the distance, her eyes slowly wrenching themselves back to Piccolo. “H-HOW IS THIS WORKING OUT?!” “LISTEN UP, NERD!” Piccolo suddenly boomed in a tone that would have given Princess Luna's royal equestrian a run for its bits. “MY JOB IS TO TRAIN YOU HOW TO AVOID BEING HIT! AND SO FAR! YOU'RE FAILING!” The sudden burst of volume from the strange changeling caused Twilight to take a step back, her ears folding back in trepidation. Piccolo just continued to glare at her for several seconds. Then, without any warning, he threw his foreleg out, hoof aimed at her face. Twilight cringed and turned her head away, eyes closed. “What,” Piccolo's voice began in slow, segmented growls. “The hell.” One of the princess's eyes opened as she noted that explosions had yet to come this time. “Dodge,” Piccolo stated flatly. Twilight cringed again, but didn't move. “DODGE!” the changeling shouted this time. Twilight still didn't move. “DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE!” he bellowed in her face. “Princess Twilight,” Fizzplepop chimed in. “He means MOVE!” “Move, avoid, get out of the way...” the guard commented helpfully. “It's DODGE!” Piccolo snapped angrily. “Not brace for impact! The whole point of this exercise is for you to recognize and avoid overwhelming power! To ingrain the reflex to try and avoid any and all attacks that you can so that you don't get caught off guard when some IDIOT with an axe to grind comes along and Yamcha's you!” “And how does blowing us up and kicking us through walls HELP with that?!” Twilight snapped back, gaining some confidence. “Didn't you just say you literally nearly killed me?! I could have DIED!” “Because it WORKS!” Piccolo growled. Then his eyes glanced to the side. “Mostly... What other way would I use?” Twilight's confidence gained traction. “I don't know! Throw tennis balls at us? Something that doesn't come with years of therapy and a Pavhoovian fear of a word for the rest of our life?!” Silence reigned for several seconds as changeling and princess squared off at each other. Then, after an indeterminate amount of time, Piccolo spoke. “Tennis balls...” he all but hummed, eyes narrowing. “Tennis balls,” Twilight replied with a nod. More silence, tense as a bungee cord at full extension. Then, suddenly, piccolo stood up on his hind legs, reaching for the turban on his head. “Right.,” he rumbled. “I didn't think I was going to have to do this...” Pulling, he removed the turban as well as his cape, thrusting them out towards Fizzle and the guard. “Hold these for me,” he stated. Nodding, the two stepped forward take take the articles. Piccolo let them go, and both ponies unceremoniously hit the dirt. “Oh...” the changeling glanced to the side. “I probably should mention those are heavy.” “Heavy?!” Fizzlepop gasped in shock. Ignoring any further comments, the changeling turned back to Twilight. With his full physique revealed, the princess couldn't help but fight back a blush as he rolled his head around, popping his neck and cracking his... How was he cracking his hooves? “So...” Piccolo stated in a disturbingly calm tone. “Here's how this is going to work. I'm going to start throwing my most powerful blasts at you. And you're going to dodge.” Twilight's attention instantly went to the changeling's face. “What?!” she gaped. “I just said it would be better to-” “If you don't dodge,” Piccolo continued as a faint flaming aura started to build around him. “You will be annihilated. Completely.“ “But-” Twilight tried to get in. “COMPLETELY!” Piccolo snarled, his aura exploding into a self-contained thunderstorm with energy rolling off him in spades. “And then you can sit in the afterlife for a few days to contemplate your F-minus-minus grade in combat evasion!” “That's not even a grade!” Twilight shouted, indignation warring with raw fear. Piccolo didn't bother to argue, however, as he raised a hoof into the air and began to form a sphere of raw power that blazed with the heat of a million suns. Twilight glanced around, certain the changeling wouldn't take a shot like that with noncombatants still around her. Except the guard was nowhere to be found, and Fizzlepop was sprinting away like her tail had caught fire. “You better dodge this!” Piccolo snarled. His leg came down, and Twilight locked up, her mind astounded by the amount of power she was looking at. “PICCOLOOOOO!!!!!” The new voice distracted the changeling for a moment and his swing went slightly wide. The blazing ball of doom shoot past, singing Twilight's ear before it zipped off towards the horizon. Then, with a flash that rivaled the sun for brightness, it annihilated a mountain. Twilight Sparkle let out a frigid breath as she tracked her eyes along the projectile's path. “I... really hope nopony lived there,” she breathed in horror. “Yeah,” Piccolo replied in almost conversational tone. “Like I said, we have dragon balls. If anyone's dead, we'll just wish them back.” Then, he turned, looking up. “What do you want, Bulma?!” A large, spherical machine of some kind descended from the sky with a whine, settling onto the ground in the middle of the field. Down a ramp that snapped open with no fanfare whatsoever trotted an earth pony with a cyan mane, a purple-haired foal giggling on her back. “Well,” she cast a glance around the field, noting the many craters and smoldering grass. “I guess in any dimension, boys will be boys. Or... I guess here that's: colts will be colts. Explosions certainly aren't any different.” She trotted up to the changeling, glancing at Twilight for a moment before addressing the former. “So yeah, I hate to interrupt your cathartic abuse of adorable sapient equines, but Vegeta's at it again.” Piccolo snorted, dropping to all fours and glaring. “And now is that my problem?” he asked. “It probably isn't” the cyan-maned mare shrugged. “But he skipped off to some place called New Vegeta like the arrogant ass he is and took half the reception with him, including Gohan.” “And there's a point here?” Piccolo asked. Bulma took a moment to coo over her shoulder at her foal before continuing. “Yeah... Well, not long after, Goku popped in asking me if I knew anything about a south galaxy being destroyed. I put two and two together and realized this could get real nasty, really quick. Then I remembered you were off through a magic portal and it would probably be a good idea to let you know. Some girl named Sunset pointed me in the right direction and here I am.” Bulma glanced down at her hooves for a moment, then looked back up to give Piccolo the once-over. “I have to say, I'm impressed. We did seem to turn into more or less appropriate equine versions of ourselves. I could have gone for the magic horn, though. If it weren't for voice command, I wouldn't be able to control my vehicle with this level of manual dexterity.” “Yeah,” Piccolo grumbled. “I can't use some of my techniques without fingers. So what's this about Gohan?” “Like I said,” Bulma shrugged. “He's off with Vegeta to some planet named New Vegeta, and there's apparently something that kills galaxies going around, and I can't help but feel that with our luck, all actors are going to meet on the same stage.” “Which means?” “Which means,” the earth pony rolled her eyes. “Gohan is in mortal danger, and you should probably hop to it.” Like a switch being flipped, Piccolo suddenly turned, plucking his cape and turban off the ground and donning them as before. “Right,” he stated, his voice much more brisk than before. “New Vegeta?” “Yeah,” Bulma nodded. “I left a capsule with Sunset, the coordinates are already plugged in. There's food for Goku and an extra shirt for Vegeta. Plus some books for Gohan. Chi Chi would kill me otherwise.” “Got it,” Piccolo took to the air. “Bacon Bits, Capsule, New Vegeta, food, shirt, books. Got it!” “WAIT!” All eyes snapped to Twilight. “That's IT?!” she asked in shock. “You come here, blow us up for five minutes, and then you just LEAVE?!” “Oh,” Bulma stepped in. “Don't take it personally. Piccolo's just got more pressing concerns now. I'm sure he'll be back to train you more later...” Then she turned her eyes up to the changeling, her voice becoming dangerous. “It IS training, right?” “You know Vegeta would be the one beating on these creatures for the sake of beating on them. Not me.” “Right,” Bulma nodded, rolling her eyes. “Because that would totally be Vegeta. He's also not allowed anywhere NEAR the portal.” With a curt nod, Bulma turned back to Twilight as Piccolo rocketed away with an 'I'm Coming Gohan!” shouted into the distance. “So yeah,” the earth pony smiled disarmingly. “Sorry about that. Saving the world is kind of their thing at this point, and I keep getting put on janitor duty.” “Oh,” Twilight lowered her head sheepishly. “Don't worry about it. It's just that-” “Yeah,” Bulma nodded. “I know. Piccolo's idea of training is a little on the extreme side. Just ask Gohan. Speaking of which, I had a quick chat with Sunset and she said she'd get a hold of someone to take over for Piccolo in the mean time. If I remember what she told me correctly, he should have beaten me here. Something about the guy knowing all kinds of shortcuts.” “Really?” Twilight asked. “I hope he's not crazy violent like Piccolo...” Then the princess shuddered. “I'm not familiar with this guy,” Bulma tilted her head to the side. “I couldn't tell you. Though it is hard to-” Bulma trailed off, her eyes going wide as she stared at something behind Twilight. The princess noticed the look as the mare in front of her visibly lost some color. Then, a hollow metallic 'thunk' resounded behind her. Twilight spun around, noting the guard helmet on the ground and the gu- -the skull staring back at her. “GAH!” Twilight jumped back. “Hello again, Princess.” The skull grinned back at her. Twilight's face quickly matched Bulma's as she took a step back. “Sk-” she stuttered. “Skeleton...?” “Really?” what appeared to be a former guard looked down. “I didn't think I weighed that much.” With a flourish, Bulma spun about and trotted back up the ramp into her vehicle. “Yeah, I'm done here...” she snapped, leaving Twilight alone with the... Thing. It spoke again. “Huh... Her loss. Now...” Despite not having any visible flesh to speak of, the eyes were very much visible as it settled into an un-guardspony-like slouch. “I noticed you have a tough time dodging,” it continued. “I'd like to think I'm pretty good at that. And if you don't mind...” One of its eyes glinted a pale blue. Twilight felt her fur stand on end as the energy sense she was still trying to wrap her mind around started picking up several unsettling signatures. “I'd like to give you a free lesson.” Several more skulls suddenly faded in around the undead thing, magic brimming in their mouths. “As a friend. For another friend.” “TWILIGHT!” the princess heard her sister in law shout. “DON'T JUST STAND THERE!” DODGE! Advanced Basic Combat Training for Pathetically Passive Pretty Pony Princesses Author's Note And they had a bad time ever after. I could have done a lot more for gags, but realized at the last minute I could actually place this somewhere in DBZA. You should be able to figure out where from context. It superseded some gag ideas I had involving Vegeta's snark, but a long roll of Vegeta ranting about ponies and the cuteness would have made things too busy. I'm still not a fan of whatever messed up formatting is with the site on a regular browser, though it does seem to be fine on a phone. Instead, I decided at the last moment to roll another dodge-themed character in. Because, why not? For those of you who've left a question in the comment box a dozen times, and had it answered a dozen times. The guy at the end is Sans from Undertale. If you click last video, you literally get to see why he's an obvious meta choice for the next in line behind Piccolo for training princesses how to 'DODGE!'. I will warn you. It's major Undertale spoilers. So if you click the link, but haven't played... Well, I warned you.
Avoiding the IssueIt started with a question. “How?” It was a simple question, asked by a child. A foal of maybe no more than five. “How?!” A question so simple, yet so loaded that few could avoid considering it. The Storm King's invasion of Canterlot, lead by Tempest Shadow, now known by her true name, Fizzlepop Berrytwist, had been quite the scare. Right in the middle of the annual guard field training exercise in the badlands. Right when relations with other major nations to the north were just getting going. Right as the Friendship Festival was getting under way. BAM! One, three-ship invasion, a few dozen troops in magic-resisting armor, and Canterlot actually fell. It was an embarrassment in national defense planning. But despite these oversights, only one question really mattered in the mind of the average pony... “How did one angry pony almost beat all four princesses, the greatest quartet of magical power in the world, in seconds?” This question nagged at many a pony, including the very one who had conducted the assault and had personally taken out the princesses. The conclusion, Fizzle came to, was not a happy one. Yes, she had the skills and the tools to counter the princesses and all their magical might. She had the element of surprise. She had induced panic causing her opponents to misidentify the threat. But it was almost too easy. Granted, Princess Twilight was saved by the sacrifice of a local, but otherwise, she was just as easily out of the fight from the start as the other three. It wasn't a fight, it was a rout, from the start. The then Commander Tempest was expecting at least a decent scuffle and a real challenge. Not three out of four contained and a chase half-way across the continent. When her concerns were brought to Princess Twilight's friends, they gave her odd looks, as expected, but realized she was indeed right. The Princesses, Equestria's most magically potent ponies, went down like, as Rainbow Dash put it, 'Third Rate Daring Do Villain Mooks'. This needed to be remedied. Or the next time someone like her came along, and DIDN'T have easily shattered delusions... Well, from what few seconds she spent trapped in the Storm King's petrification, it wouldn't be a happy day. So on a random spring day, some time just before lunch, Fizzle stood on the guard training and exercise field, staring down the four arguably greatest ponies in the world. “So,” the tall, white, Princess Celestia, voice hiding some awkwardness in it, began. “Twilight informs me you have some concern about how vulnerable we are. That we need some combat training?” “And physical conditioning,” noted Cadance. Shorter and shade of pink that reminded Fizzle of Pinkie Pie, now that she actually had more than a few seconds to look at the Princess of Love. “Pft!” Luna, slightly taller than Cadance and a deep blue, scoffed. “Maybe for sister. I get out at night.” “You ALL need training,” Fizzle felt her 'Commander Tempest' mode of thought kick in in order to keep the chatter down. Inwardly, she winced at taking such a tone with the ponies who only weeks ago had been her enemies. That she was allowed free reign at Princess Twilight's castle still left her partially shocked. “I was able to take the lot of you down in seconds. I had the advantage, but you shouldn't have made it THAT easy for me.” “Easy?!” Luna all but shouted in indignation. “You invaded the capital and call it-” “She almost killed you, Luna,” Twilight snapped. “If I hadn't caught you...” Luna closed her mouth with a huff, fuming silently in place. Fizzlepop winced at the reminder of that particular shot. In the silence, Princess Celestia gave her sister a measured look before returning it to Fizzle, a painfully motherly look on her face that almost dared the former commander to suggest a way to improve. “Twilight's right,” she stated diplomatically. “And so are you. We lost so quickly and I panicked without even thinking when you took out Cadance. It goes without saying that we need some kind of combat training. Will you be instructing us in this matter, then?” Fizzle opened her mouth, but was interrupted by a deeper, gruff voice from above. “No... That would be me.” All eyes turned to the sky. Above them hovered what appeared to be a changeling. A... Strange looking changeling. Instead of the typical black carapace and curved horn, it was green. And its, his? Head had a pair of antennae sticking out. It wore a white cape and turban as it frowned down at them, eying them in a manner Celestia recognized from hundreds of bodyguards over the centuries. Resisting the urge to panic, the princess posed the question on everyone's mind. “And you are?” “Hmmph,” the changeling grunted, descending to the ground silently. Luna took note that his wings never so much as moved as far as she could tell with the cape in the way. He landed with a soft click. “Name's Piccolo.” “The instrument?” Twilight asked. “Same,” he grunted once more. “Never though about why, but then again I know some folks with names better suited to a garden.” “So you're Piccolo?” Fizzlepop interrupted. “You know you're over an hour late, right?” Piccolo reared back awkwardly on his hind legs, crossing his forelegs with a scowl while standing up taller. “Yeah, well you try getting a new body figured out the next time you come through a portal-mirror between dimensions. See how long it takes you to get into fighting form.” Then he paused in his retort, looking himself over again. “Gotta' admit though, bitchin' natural armor. Makes me wonder if it comes with any other perks.” “Thou art a changeling,” Luna pointed out. “You should be able to turn into anything you want.” “Really?” Piccolo's eyes widened with a rather insidious smile gracing his features. “Okay, storing that for later.” Then he paused for a moment, his eyes darting to the side and annoyance taking over. “NO!” he snapped. “We are NOT trying that!” Everyone blinked at his outburst in confusion. “I don't CARE if it would look cool, Nail. We are NOT turning into a snake. It never helps.” Fizzlepop, and every princess present gave each other unsure glances at this exchange. Twilight, in particular, shuddering in revulsion. “And great,” Piccolo sighed. “Thanks to you two, they think we're insane. And yes, I know the wifi's out. That goes with the territory of going to another dimension where wifi doesn't exist. Now SHUT, UP.” With that, Piccolo returned his eyes to the group of princesses now giving him their best porcelain smiles. “Sorry about that,” he muttered. “Had to deal with some tenants. You know how it goes. Fuse with a dying smartass and an old fool for the power boost and you NEVER get any peace.” And before anyone could answer the contrary he continued. “So yeah... I'm out meditating in the wasteland (do that a lot) when I get a message from a friend on Spacebook tagging me. 'Hey, princesses with lots of power, can't fight, need training.' I owe bacon hair a favor for friending me on Spacebook in the first place, and I have openings in my schedule.” There was a pause. “Yes, 'the entire month free' does in fact classify as an opening, NAIL. Now SHUT. UP. I MEAN IT.” Piccolo looked back at the princesses once more. “So here I am,” he continued. “Bacon-bits gave me the lowdown she heard from... Trilight-” “Twilight,” Twilight corrected the changeling. “Highnoon for all I care,” Piccolo retorted without missing a beat. “I'm not judging for obvious reasons.” Twilight just shot him an annoyed look. “So I hear you just got invaded recently, and went down like a bunch of bitches to... Soda-pop?” “Fizzlepop,” the pony next to him rolled her eyes. “Though I went by Tempest at the time.” “Yeah,” Piccolo shrugged. “Like I said, not judging. When I got here it didn't take me long to realize exposure to this place would be sending me to the dentist early. Though hearing you've actually got some intimidating names around here is a relief. But yeah, you dropped these four like a bad habit?” “Three,” Fizz replied. “Princess Twilight got lucky when someone jumped in front of her.” Piccolo stole a glance at Princess Twilight before his eyes returned to the unicorn next to him. “Okay, so you with,” he paused again. “Feels like average power level for your species took down four-” Piccolo scowled again, eyes dancing across each princess in turn before he finished. “Right, you had no business winning this. What was your gimmick?” “Gimmick?” Fizz asked, slightly confused at the question. “Yeah,” Piccolo responded, pointing at the princesses. “Gimmick. Like these four. Tall horse, emo horse, horse with weird powers...” “Excuse me?” Cadance recoiled in offense. “And that one's obviously a nerd,” Piccolo laughed as he pointed at Twilight, who's ears folded in response. “I mean look at that bowl cut.” Then he turned back. “So spill, what's your secret?” “Some kind of petrification orb,” Cadance cut in with just a little bite in her voice. “I jumped in front of the first one she threw at us, but it went right through the shield I put up.” “Huh,” Piccolo placed a hoof to his chin, glancing at it for a moment for returning his focus to them. “Neat. So shields here work. And you said it went through yours? And I'm assuming you got-” “Turned to stone, or encased in obsidian, or whatever it was,” Cadance nodded. “I couldn't stop it. After that, the next thing I know, we're being let out. So...” “Right,” Piccolo waved the pink princess with the glass heart on or rear off. “You got Yamcha'd right at the start. No surprise there. Wouldn't be here otherwise. So what did the rest of you do after Glass-ass here got stoned?” The changeling glanced around the group for a moment, expecting a response that never came. After a few seconds he frowned. “Nothing?” he asked. “Scatter? Retaliate? Evaluate the threat? Faint? Girl just throws a ball of instant rock at one of you and nothing happens?” “I went for reinforcements from the Hippogrif lands,” Luna spoke up helpfully. Celestia immediately snapped her head around. “Only after I told you to run,” she corrected. “I don't think you even knew they existed as allies until I told you.” “I'm not even sure why you were telling me,” the darker sister replied. “You just stood there and-” “I realized we were going to need help,” the elder snapped. “All I knew is that magic was going to be a problem right there if Cadance went down so easily-” Piccolo watched the two sisters devolve into sibling bickering, noting a shocked look from both the pink princess, and little purple starburst. The pieces were slowly coming into place and he resisted an urge to put a hoof on his face. “Princess Celestia reacted immediately,” Twilight piped from the side. “She turned to face south and began dispatching instructions to Princess Luna for exactly ten seconds before Tempest, now Fizzlepop, struck her with a second orb in the barrel. Luna was in the air two seconds after that, gaining altitude at a sixty-degree angle for an additional three seconds before she was struck too.” Piccolo raised a brow, crossing his hooves again, glancing at her. Likewise, he explanation had caused the sisters to silence themselves. All eyes were now on her, causing her to step back slightly, ears folding. “You noticed THAT but froze when you saw the last orb aimed right at you?” Fizzle blinked. “Eheh,” Twilight continued to cringe. “I tend to over analyze things when put under pressure. It's a coping mechanism.” Eyes returned to Piccolo, who inhaled slowly, muttering something that sounded like 'go ham' under his breath. When he realized he was the center of attention again, he uncrossed his hooves and took a step forward. “Right-” That step was slightly awkward, and he paused, looking down at himself before just dropping to all-fours. “-So, I think I've got this now,” he continued. “Four princesses with the collective power level of-” Piccolo frowned again, glancing them over. “Let's call you somewhere between a Tien and a Krillin- Don't worry I know it doesn't make sense. You ALL get Yamcha'd by the equivalent to a baseball pitcher with a broken arm who's name may or may not be Hercule Satan. Again, don't ask. And you were all beaned in a single shot from an orb she most certainly had only a few of?” Silence greeted the changeling along side a few blank nods. “Well,” he began again at length. “At least one of you has anything close to sense in this group.” His eyes fell on Cadance, who smiled at the compliment, though she wasn't sure why she felt that was a mistake at the same time. “And if I weren't guilty of throwing myself in front of an attack a few times, I'd call you insane.” With that, he turned to Fizzlepop. “I might be able to train them,” he rumbled in a tone of barely contained contempt. “But I wouldn't get your hopes up.” “Hey!” Twilight. “What do you mean 'wouldn't get our hopes up'? I studied hard and went through a LOT of friendship lessons to earn my wings and I even invented a new kind of magic when I-” “NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!” Silence fell as Piccolo's voice echoed into the distance. Flabbergasted, Twilight said nothing further, prompting the changeling to continue. “Now,” he stated in a more authoritative tone. “I said I MIGHT be able to train you, but you'll have to pass a very critical first lesson before that. If you cannot pass this, I can pretty much say that without a doubt, you'll fail at fighting.” Curious, Princess Celestia stepped forward, a question on her lips. “And what lesson would that be?” she asked. “Is it classical conditioning? Endurance? Or perhaps-” The air cracked, Piccolo's green frame became a blur of motion that would put Rainbow Dash to shame, and with a loud 'SMACK!', Celestia stumbled to the side and almost fell over as she cried out in pain. The other princesses let out equally distressed cries as all the motion settled down to show Piccolo winding down from a vicious foreleg swing. “We start with some basic combat reflexes,” he stated coldly. “The most important being-” “HOW DARE YOU!” Luna bellowed from next to him, her horn lighting in a cobalt blue. “To strike mine sister unprovoked as thus! HAVE AT THEE!” Piccolo just glanced casually to the side as the shorter sister fired a bolt of energy from the tip of her horn. It was strong for this group's power, but not terribly impressive by his standards. A good smack would send it catapulting into a wall more or less harmlessly. But he had better ideas. With the slightest adjustment, the bolt of magical power ripped right past him, doing little more than heat the air as it passed. “Oh look,” he mocked. “Zero damage. A classic example of one of my greatest techniques before your very eyes.” Snorting, Luna began to light her horn once more. “And what would that b-” she growled but suddenly found her legs spinning sideways as she met with the grass. After a moment, she shook off the disorientation and looked up, a green hoof inches away from her face. “Dodge,” Piccolo stated informatively. And then Luna exploded. Author's Note So yeah, I cringed horribly watching the invasion for the MLP Movie. It wasn't the Antimagic McGuffins, those are excusable. It's when everyone who can do anything decides to stand around doing nothing to the point of parody. Now it's time to have our favorite parody combat instructor beat some sense into our favorite pretty pony princesses. Because dodging shouldn't be an afterthought. And don't worry, Luna's okay. EDIT: Huh... I set my viewing format to have Calibri and my sentence formatting works better. I really don't know what to make of this anymore. Question: How did Piccolo meet Sunset anyway? PICCOLO: Annual Former Bad Guys Now Good meeting. She was one of the few who wasn't afraid to talk to the big green alien in the room. Probably because she's technically also an alien, just, not big and green. That, and she could talk to Kami and Nail just by touching my arm. That was a really interesting game of mental poker. Kami won the pot. But only because his poker face is... Godlike. Also, that BETTER NOT be Kami snickering in there.
Evading Consequences“Ow... Ow... Ow...” Luna grumbled as Shining Armor and Cadance applied a dressing to one of the many burns on her fur. “Remind me not to step in front of anything like that ever again...” “You know,” Cadance frowned as she wove some healing magic in with her ministrations. “I think that was kind of the point.” “I don't recall points needing to be demonstrated by explosions,” the Princess of the night grouched. “It was uncalled for.” “Well,” Celestia, an ice pack levitated to her cheek by Twilight, commented idly. “You did try to strike him down yourself.” “But he struck you!” Luna protested. “What else would I have done?!” “Evaluate the situation, sister,” Celestia replied. “Even with the rough treatment, it was clear what his test was, and I failed it spectacularly.” “Test?” this came from Twilight. “What kind of test involves punching a princess of Equestria into next week?!” “A reflex test,” Cadance answered, putting the finishing touches on her tending. “And as much as I hate to admit it, aunty is right. It's just like the drills Shiny puts the troops through. She put a hoof forward, and made herself the first target. Isn't that right dear?” “Yeah, that's about the size of it,” Shining replied. “Never be first. Never be last. Never volunteer for anything. Break those, and you get... Special, attention.” Twilight stared at her brother and sister-in-law with a look of pure shock. “But,” she began. “But that's insane! And how does it justify-” “Be at ease, Twilight,” Princess Celestia placed a wing over her former student. “I think Piccolo means well. And we will need to learn to be stronger and faster if we are to hope to improve.” “Yeah but,” Twilight paused, taking a moment to regulated her breathing. “But did you see how he moved? That wasn't a teleport, but I'm pretty certain it was fast enough for one. What even WAS that?” “That,” came Piccolo's gruff voice. “Was Zanzoken.” The green-armored changeling settled into the group silently, resting once more on his hind legs as his cape billowed in the breeze. “And as you saw,” he continued. “It is quite effective at hitting unsuspecting fools in the face.” “How does it work?” Twilight asked. Piccolo only gave her a brief condescending glance. “Not saying,” he groused. “You're not ready for it. Not until you pass my lesson.” “But-” “AFTER,” Piccolo glared. “You pass.” With that, the changeling turned to address the group as a whole. “Now, if you're quite done kissing your owies and crying about how the big bad Namekian hit you-” “Nameh-what?” Twilight interrupted. “...” Piccolo stated, his glare intensifying. Twilight's ears folded as she ducked further under Celestia's wing. “I'll just be quiet now,” she mumbled. “Good,” Piccolo grunted. “You're learning. Now, as I was saying. If you're through being a bunch of brats about this, we can get started with your intense training by your's truly. I'm not going to sugarcoat this or lie. One or more of you might be killed.” Cadance gasped in horror, a wing covering her mouth. “Yeah, don't worry about that,” Piccolo waved it off. “If that does happen, we've got Dragon Balls on my side of the portal. You die, I wish you back, we keep training. Easy as a kick in the teeth. Just be prepared to experience cardiac arrest. It's a shock the first few times.” Allowing a moment for that to sink in and ignoring looks of confusion, Piccolo then tossed a small bag on the ground in the middle of the group. “Those are Senzu Beans,” he stated curtly as a few spilled past the drawstring. “They're magical. You get magical, right? You get seriously hurt, break a dozen bones, run out of stamina, or otherwise get punched through a mountain, eat a Senzu, you'll be right back in top form. No problem. However, we've only got a limited supply, so if I catch you eating any for anything else, I'll make sure you need a second one immediately.” Piccolo spared a moment of his explanation to cast a slow look around the group. Cadance visually swallowed, and Twilight continued to hide under her mentor's wing while Luna just shot him a stern look. After a few pregnant seconds of silence, Fizzle, silent to this point stepped forward, sweeping the bag up. “I'll hold them,” She stated. [Removing Embed. Youtube Deleted it. Was Karaoke Version of 'Be a Man' from Mulan] Piccolo spared Fizzle a momentary glance, nodding almost imperceptibly in approval before turning back to his four new proteges. A quick sweep assigned them in order of power and their body language shuffled that order in terms of who would need to be given the highest priority. “Right,” he stated after a moment. “So, first thing we're going to do is-” And then he paused, his ears twitching at the distant sound of a snare drum. “What's that sound?” he asked. Princess Celestia responded, her ears going up as she noticed it too. “Oh,” the elder princess replied, an almost imperceptible bob of her head. “That's just the Guard DNC Marching Company starting their afternoon practice. Don't worry, they won't interfere.” Piccolo glanced across the field, noticing the group of ponies marching in gleaming armor. A quick power assessment measured them as non-entities even if they did interfere. At best, an extra training obstacle. Something he could make use of to throw the- His eyes caught synchronized movement in front of him and he returned his focus to the four princesses. Their tails were all swaying together like a metronome, previously imperceptible swaying now very much displayed in uncharacteristically lockstep fashion as their bodies seemed to rock forward with the distant beat the marching band was playing. Confusion gave way to horror as he realized what was going on, even as distant brass started a crescendo. “Oh we are SO not-” Shining armor landed between him and the princesses, his voice snapping out melodically, and with great force. “LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS!” He was definitely a former commanding officer, if the pipes on him were any indication. Even Nail and Kami agreed he didn't sound bad. “TO PROTECT! OUR WORLD!” All four princesses were now all but dancing in place, heads clearly bobbing to the beat. Piccolo's eyes narrowed. “Yeah, no.” Before shining could start the next line, a brilliant beam of energy leapt from Piccolo's now outstretched hoof. It shot over the band, crashing into a castle tower in the distance and exploding with a force that made what he did to Luna look like a firecracker. The thundering blast had the effect of both drowning out the band, scattering them in terror, and making sure that he had the undivided attention of every princess there. “Nope!” he stated with a bark. “I'm not doing that again. We are NOT going to have a musical training montage here. We're going to do this the RIGHT way. MY WAY.” With the echo of the blast still bouncing around the mountain side, the green changeling leaned forward, glaring at his trainees. “Any questions?” There was no response, only stupefied gapes. “Good,” he continued with look of satisfaction. “Now, a question from me...” Piccolo returned to the vertical, floating up and and backwards silently. “Which one of you wants to go first?” Silence reigned as the princesses glanced at each other, it slowly dawning on them just what they were actually in for. Even without words, it was clear from the glances that an argument was taking place. None of them wanted to be first, and were hoping someone else would volunteer. Piccolo's frown became a smirk. “All of you at once then,” he stated. The shocked looks he immediately received were highly satisfying. “EEEYEEEAHH!!!!” his voice suddenly thundered with a volume that could be heard all around Canterlot. The changeling exploded into a terrifying display of fire and lightning that threw everyone near him off their hooves and backwards several meters. “What sorcery-?!” Luna shouted into the din of rushing air and crackling static. Her shock was mirrored on the features of her fellow princesses as they gazed at the maelstrom now surrounding their new instructor. “We're going to play a game,” Piccolo thundered from the heart of the storm. “It's called Namekian Dodge Ball. The rules are simple. If you get hit, you're out. There are two teams. The chumps, and those who are 'It'. Spoiler alert: I'm 'It'.” “I'm suddenly very apprehensive about this!” Twilight shouted, some of her color having drained from her features. “That's... EASILY Tirek levels of power with Discord thrown in for good measure.” “It's just training!” Cadance shouted back. “Just play the game!” Piccolo held up a hoof, a sphere of light forming on it. “We think he plays a bit rough!” Luna chimed in. “It occurs now that easing in is not something he understands!” “Then perhaps we should take his advice!” Celestia shouted, turning tail and bolting as fast as she could. “Make like the wind and-” Piccolo hurled the sphere of blazing doom towards them, a familiar shout leaving his lungs. “DODGE!” Author's Note Buckle up. It's time for Namekian Dodge Ball. It's like 'smear the queer', but in Soviet Russia. Because in Soviet Russia, Queer Smears YOU.
Ducking ResponsibilityAuthor's Note WARNING The chapters from here on out contain copious amounts of princess abuse. Read with caution and keep your plushies out of the room. YOU have been WARNED. Ducking Responsibility Explosions solve everything. “Flee! Young Sparkle! He hath spotted thee!” Even things they shouldn't solve. “GAAAH!!!” “DOOOOOOOOODGE!” Especially things they shouldn't solve. BOOM! As well as problems they themselves create... “I'd give you an A for effort if you actually showed some effort, NERD! Now pick your ass up and DODGE like a real fighter! If I catch you trying that teleport again, I'm going to teleport my currently transformed fist so far up your ass they'll have to re brand you the princess of colonoscopy!” “Twilight! Magic takes too long! Don't try-” “AND WHO SAID YOU COULD STOP MOVING, CANDY HAIR?! DODGE!” “YIPE!” BOOM! Though, honestly? They're just fun to watch. The... 'Game' ...had been going on for a mere forty-five seconds at this point. And so far, the score was Piccolo: 'All the points'; And Princesses: -13. Fizzlepop was barely keeping count. The violent commotion was already attracting a small crowd consisting of guards, castle cleaning staff, and a few shocked weather pegasi. Many were confused, unsure if this was yet another invasion of the changeling nature, a revenge scheme gone mad, or a publicity stunt. However, aside from a castle tower missing a spire, the carnage seemed to be confined to the practice field. Of the three times one of the princesses had made it to the edge, Piccolo blurred into place and greeted them with a gentle tap, blasting at least one of them into a spontaneously appearing divot fifteen meters long. “No going out of bounds. Also dodge.” Of the four princesses currently competing in this painful new blood sport, Cadance was probably doing the best. After the initial blast from the orb Piccolo threw had blown them half-way across the field, she'd jumped to her hooves and taken to a mad sprint in an effort to spread herself out from the others. This was both good and bad. Good in that it did spread Piccolo's attention out. Bad, because she singled herself out by accident. The resulting zanzoken caught her without her brain even firing a synapse in response before a leg interrupted her sprint, sending her tumbling head over tail. Princess Celestia, who'd been the first to get her head about her in realization that Piccolo was serious with his death orbs, hadn't fared nearly as well. Despite being the first to bolt, she was the closest to the center of the blast and had landed in a none-too-respectable position. Taking advantage of what she thought would be a moment to recover was a huge mistake as she got up, trotted in place to shake the dust off, and greeted a certain changeling's incoming hoof. “DODGE! Also, combat doesn't pause so you can fix your hair.” If Celestia had heard the second part between the ringing of her concussion and the whistling of the air as she catapulted through it, Piccolo didn't know. What he did know, is that the point could further be made as he zipped into place behind her, kicked her skyward, popped up to the apex of her flight, and did the best double-axe-handle he could pull off without fingers. Unfortunately, as flawless as his form was, the princess couldn't appreciate it, having been smashed into the ground with enough force to crater it. “Fizzle,” Piccolo intoned as he suddenly appeared next to the shocked unicorn. “Senzu bean.” “S-” she blinked. “Senzu bean?” Piccolo eyed her, then eyed the crater where one disjointed white wing was twitching above the rim. “Senzu bean,” he rumbled. Nodding, the former commander began to trot forward, suddenly very happy this guy had been nowhere NEAR the Storm King's invasion. Piccolo returned to his work. Twilight, with a little practice from her fight with Tirek, managed to ride the blast out before face planting against one of the guard's victory-challenge climbing towers (No wings or horns allowed). She'd bore witness as she peeled herself off to both Cadance and Celestia's folly, and watched in mute horror as her mentor was subjected to more G-forces in five seconds than she was certain Celestia had ever experienced over her entire substantial lifetime. Concern for her near-mother-figure overwhelming her common sense, she shook off the impact and darted towards Celestia's fallen form even as Fizz began trotting in the same direction. It was only by virtue of Luna's frantic call that Twilight realized she was under attack. The wall of green and white bearing down on her like a locomotive almost connected even as she reflexively calculated the best location a teleport would place her to be out of the changeling's trajectory for at least six seconds. Unfortunately for Twilight. Piccolo felt the magic, felt it project to the destination, and shot a bolt of energy in that direction even as he shouted his now familiar command. Twilight popped out of existence, and popped into her new spot just in time to see the bolt of energy growing larger in her vision, and only had enough time to shout in surprise before she was blown out of the sky. Tumbling across the ground, Twilight just barely comprehended the berating their new instructor was giving her. A moment later, Cadance shouted something about not using magic, and it was likewise followed by berating, 'DODGE!', and another explosion. Luna was still trying to pull herself out of her own divot. She'd only just barely not gotten her fur burned off by the initial blast, and had been flung clear of the field. However, even as she managed to correct her tumble, Piccolo was there with a snide remark and a casual backhoof that dug her in so deep into a wagon-rut of her own making, she was certain she'd be wearing a dress to hide the patches of missing fur for months. Her vantage had allowed her to see Piccolo's charge on Sparkle just in time to shout a warning, and get front row seats to brilliance. While Twilight picked herself up off the ground in a dizzy manner, and Cadance dove and tumbled with another small blast, Luna hauled herself out and took to the air. Clearly the ground wasn't the best place to be. If Piccolo could fly, they'd better be doing so too. The elbow to the spine disputed that claim with a vengeance. “AWH!” Luna gasped as her body went rigid in shock. She went down in a heap but managed to kick herself into a roll that barely avoided a stomp that would have smashed her rib cage. “Why?!” she gasped out as Piccolo paused for a moment. “PRAY-tell doth thee strike our blind spots, THEN warn us?!” “Because if I take it easy on you, you won't learn,” Piccolo retorted condescendingly. “Train as you fight.” “But,” Luna gasped, coughing up a small spat of blood, blinking at it, and then continuing. “But how can we learn if we cannot even SEE thine attacks?! Thine movements thus far are so fast that the warnings of evasion cease to have valid meaning!” Piccolo stepped back, crossing his forelegs in that same evaluating look they'd quickly learned to be wary of. “Then why bother using your eyes?” he asked. “I'm not exactly hiding my energy at the moment.” Luna blinked, confusion written over her otherwise pained expression. “Hiding thine energy?” she asked. “Time's up! Lesson over-DODGE!” was the only response she got before a hind leg folded her midsection around it. Half a second later, her head emerged violently from the inside of the crater rim Celestia recently made. Fizzlepop looked up from where she was just administering a Senzu to the sun princess, grimacing at the shape the younger sister was now in. “Senzu bean?” she asked. “Please...” Luna twitched. “We're afraid we can no longer feel our tail.” Meanwhile, several dozen meters away, Twilight and Cadance were in a huddle just behind the Victory-challenge tower. “Okay,” Cadance began. “So he's stronger than us, faster than us, and apparently has loads more combat experience than even Shiny could pull from half the guard. But I'm sure we've got something over him...” “Like what?” Twilight hissed. “You saw it as well as I felt it. I couldn't even teleport without him picking me out of the air just now. We haven't even been doing this for two minutes and he's practically breaking us like twigs during the running of the leaves. What is this guy MADE of?” Before Cadance could respond, Piccolo's voice once more interrupted their musings. “I dunno,” he began from above them. “For the longest time I thought I was a demon king... Then it turns out I'm more like an alien slug man. Though, I've fused with God if that means anything to you. That last part might be a little bit of what's causing you trouble, but then again, you ladies are really, REALLY slow.” “GAH!” Twilight snapped in frustration. “And how do you keep DOING that?” “What?” Piccolo asked, looking around. “This? You're just not looking up. Meanwhile, I explicitly recall saying the name of the game was DODGE!ball... Not Hide and Seek.” He then smirked. “So what should you ladies do right about now?” Gulping, Cadance looked around before laughing uneasily up at the changeling. “Eheh... Dodge?” Victory Tower suffered brutal defeat as it was blown to splinters.
Skirting Disaster'It tastes like lima,' was the first coherent thought in Celestia's mind as her eyes shot open to the magical rejuvenation of the Senzu bean that mashed between her teeth. In mere seconds, the crippling pain left her body as the rejuvenated Alicorn sat up. With a small pop, she reassessed the injuries she was certain included a shattered spine, mangled wings, and completely dislocated foreleg. Even the burns from the explosion were gone. “Intriguing,” she muttered, turning her head towards her groaning sister as Fizzlepop likewise was assisting the princess of the night in chewing. A loud pair of crashes and a burst of dirt signaled the arrival of both Twilight and Cadance as they smashed through the crater-rim head first. Both groaned in barely conscious pain. “Ugh...” Luna shook her injuries off as the Senzu she consumed did its work. “Brutality. Thy name is a woodwind instrument. Cadenza, Sparkle, art thou conscious? Or perhaps alive?” “Hubeu...” Twilight managed to groan. Fizzle turned to them, wincing at their injuries before stepping forward. “Here, I've got this,” she sighed, shaking her head before stuffing a bean in Twilight's mouth. “I kind of thought he was joking with the 'one of you might die' part. But after seeing what he just did...” “In our brief dialog with him,” Luna shook out her wings, frowning that the regeneration didn't come with a free auto-preen. “He spoke about not hiding his energy.” Celestia glanced at her sister. “Hiding his energy?” she asked. “What does that have to do with anything?” “Everything,” Piccolo alighted amongst them. Both Celestia and Luna flinched. Twilight and Cadance, still coming around, barely reacted. Piccolo gave the group a casual eye before he continued. “Your regular senses are slow and easy to fool,” he stated academically. “You can't avoid my attacks so long as you're reacting off your eyes and ears. Homing in on my energy will give you better warning.” “Even attacks from our blind spots?” Luna asked. “ESPECIALLY attacks from your blind spots,” Piccolo rumbled. “Once you can sense my intent, you should be able to keep pace with the action. If only a little.” Celestia spoke up. “And just how might we go about sensing this energy?” she asked. Piccolo raised a brow-plate. “You're like, a million years old-” Celestia pulled her head back in shocked offense. “-you haven't figured something that basic out?” For a moment, the changeling suddenly let his eyes drift off to the side. Then he grunted in annoyance. “I don't CARE if it was uncalled for, Kami. She's older than YOU.” More silence. “No, they'll figure it out on their own! They're BIG magical talking pastel horses, Nail! They'll take their licks and learn like ADULTS!” During another round of seeming silent comment, the princesses gave each other a fresh round of worried glances. Luna rolled her eyes, twirling a hoof around her ear while making a goofy face. Then suddenly, Piccolo's eyes snapped back to them with an irritated grunt. “Yeah, I have to deal with something real quick. Take thirty and think about how to sense my energy. We'll recommence then.” Then he shot into the sky, yelling at the air. “I don't CARE if they're cute and cuddly! Cute and cuddly doesn't stop an angry Saiyan's fist!” They all stared as he departed, eyes trailing him as he cleared the highest tower and disappeared as his cape blended in with the snows of Mount Canter. Cadance was the first to lower her eyes, brow line furrowed in concentration. “I worry about him,” Twilight commented as her own head followed. “We haven't known him for ten minutes but...” Celestia held up a hoof. “Do not worry about it,” she advised. “His eccentricities are not our concern.” “Sister,” Luna interrupted. “I have eccentricities. But even at my most mad, I was of one mind, be it one that was filled with jealous rage.” “Still,” Twilight cut back in. “About that energy sense. I think it would be a good idea to figure it out.” “But how, fair Sparkle?” Luna asked. “He didn't give us any clues to it.” “But he did,” Celestia interjected. Luna cast an inquiring gaze upon her sister. “Pray tell?” “He spoke as if it were simple enough that a child could understand it,” the elder princess pointed out. “The act must be surprisingly simple, perhaps even as simple as summoning our magic.” “If it were THAT simple,” Luna frowned. “Shouldn't we have it figured out by now?” Celestia shook her head. “Sometimes even the most simple solutions can pass one by,” she spoke sagely. “It is a common trait of learning to miss a detail that would make things simple if another, more prominent detail is presented first.” Celestia turned a motherly smile on Twilight. “Isn't that right, my former student?” Twilight nodded sheepishly, remembering a few occasions where the 'simple' solution came in late. Not entirely satisfied, Luna turned to Cadance. “And what do you th-” She paused, noting the alicorn of love hunched forward, her eyes closed with a look of concentration on her face. After a moment, she spoke. “I think...” she began. “I think... I think I've got it.” “Thou has?!” Luna exclaimed in excitement. “Do tell!” Cadance furrowed her brow harder, her ears twitching ever so slightly. “It's...” She began. “It's like a tingle. It feels like the tingle before a storm. It prickles at your fur somewhere between the sense of touch and warmth... Piccolo is like. He's like a small sun, above us. Getting warmer... Brighter... more electr-” Cadance's eyes snapped open, pupils small as pinpricks. “DODGE!” She shouted, taking flight. Luna bolted out of the crater, Celestia going the opposite direction. “What?!” Twilight gasped, looking back and forth at the two and then up where Cadance went. The blazing ball of doom was not what she expected. “GAH!!!” “AHAH!” Piccolo boomed from above. “Somebody's starting to get it! The rest of you need work.” Rolling to a painful stop, Twilight coughed up some dust, turning to glare at the changeling. “You gave us thirty minutes!” she shouted. “What the hay!” “Seconds,” Piccolo corrected. “I gave you thirty seconds.” Then he paused, looking to the side. “I know I only said 'thirty', Nail. Why in the world would anyone assume it was half an hour of down time after two minutes of ass-beating?” “Twilight!” Cadance shouted, looping high and diving for the dirt. “You're holding STILL!!!!” Twilight blinked, glancing at her sister-in-law, then back at Piccolo, who was no longer there. “She's right you know,” his voice all but spoke into her ear. On a panicked reflex, Twilight struck out with her hind legs, trying to smash the object of her terror. “Ole'!” Piccolo swept his cape clear as he round-housed Twilight across the field. A guard near the back wall dove for the ground as she smashed a hole into it. “I'm okeh!” she shouted. With a burst of dust, Piccolo left his previous strike, lancing upward. Cadance's eyes widened as she felt the force coming. In a desperate move, she flapped her wings to contort herself out of the way. “Good!” Piccolo's hoof just barely grazed a feather. “There may be hope for you after all!” Cadance grit her teeth, trying to flow from one motion into another as she felt the power surge in a different direction. Piccolo's rear leg just barely missed taking her horn off, and yet another burst of power signaled the changeling rolling from one miss into another strike of opportunity. Cadance held onto that feeling for everything it was worth, flapping and twisting like an airborne ballerina as whistling cracks exploded in her ears. This sequence went on for six or seven iterations before she suddenly realized she was running out of angular momentum. The next surge wouldn't miss, and in a move of desperation, she shoved her forelegs in front of the blow and flashed up a shield. “NOW WE'RE TALKING!” Piccolo yelled, smashing the shield hard enough to shatter it without slowing down and hammered right into the block. Cadance exploded backwards, but felt where she was going, flexing her body so as to place her hooves below. She hit the ground with a thunderclap but managed to remain standing as furrows dug themselves around her hooves. After a few seconds to let the sensation of stone-shattering numbness leave her hooves, the pink princess gaped up at the changeling, eyes wide and breathing hard. “Better,” Piccolo shouted. “Dodge when you can; deflect what you can't; block only if you must. Take a breather while I go crack a few other skulls.” And then he exploded in a new direction. Celestia and Luna, who'd halted as they watched the exchange that Cadance had just participated in, cast glances at each other at the difference this 'energy sense' made. It was of course, obvious that Piccolo wasn't striking at anywhere near his full speed, but it was none-the-less impressive to see the warnings Cadance was internally reacting to in action. “We must master this quickly!” Luna snapped, immediately trying to pick up that touchy-warmy-lightning...y sensation her niece spoke of. With little to work with, she only picked up a sensation more akin to an imminent lightning strike. It wasn't much to go on, but Luna seized it none-the-less, yelping and diving as Piccolo slammed into the ground next to her and smashed his hoof into the spot she'd just vacated. She couldn't pick anything out of the continuous flow of raw power, only seeing the changeling begin rapidly stomping forward like a locomotive. Lacking any logical options, Luna started throwing herself along in a continuous roll, momentum saving her from smash after smash. There was no time to pick anything out. The sensation was everywhere. Suddenly it wasn't. It was behind her and her next roll hesitated. A moment later, the princess of the night was punted, though the blow seemed to have nicked her in the side rather than buried itself deep into her organs. “By the tides,” she blinked in shock even as she slammed into her sister like a bowling ball. Shaking off the collision, Luna glanced down at her sputtering sister. “Why didn't thou dodge?” she asked. Celestia only glared back, perturbed at the lack of appreciation for catching her younger sister's wayward flight. Then Luna's head shot up, the prickling on her spine rapidly approaching lightning strike. “FLEE!” She bolted forward, clearing her sister's field of view to reveal a series of arching energy rounds homing in on her position. Full panic took over and the day princess rolled onto her belly, hooves scrabbling in the churned up soil for any kind of purchase. A few false-start kicks and she managed pull forward. And not a second too soon. The spot behind her exploded, then a spot next to her exploded, and pretty soon Celestia was desperately sprinting through a veritable mine field of incoming energy bombs. They felt like tiny suns, each vying for her attention to make them set. Jinking as one sun all but singed her mane, the princess put on a burst of speed, transitioning from a sprint to a full gallop, something she hadn't done in centuries. Nearby, Piccolo continued to launch blasts into the sky, raining a hailstorm of death at the galloping princess. “That's right!” he shouted. “Dodge! Dodge, dodge, DODGE! Don't stop! Don't wait! Move your cake-eating ass and get some cardio in! And don't think for a second I can't figure out who eats the cake in this group! I saw the fat jiggle the moment I hit you the first time! It may be spread out to hide it, but I know a lack of muscle tone when I see it!” The explosions continued to erupt around Celestia, clouds of dust and dirt peppering her from every direction. If the muck had been shiny, it might have been a sight to behold. Unfortunately, it was composed mostly of dirt, rocks, and grass clippings; not ice, water, or gemstones. And pretty soon Princess Celestia, regent of the sun and custodian of the day, looked more like a professional hoofball player than the leader of a nation. Another jink to the side and Celly began to get her wits about her. Her wings opened, flapped, and she took off like a shot. Unfortunately, she neglected to account that the energy bombs were coming in from above. 'BOOM!' “C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!” Piccolo shouted. Princess Celestia pulled herself out of a fresh crater, spitting out a rock. In the back of the field, Twilight slowly stumbled out of the hole in the wall, shaking off another probable concussion. “Okay,” she gasped, steadying herself on the guard standing there. “You can do this Twilight. Just pick out his... energy from background. No problem. If I'm guessing this right, it's probably a trans-exothaumic reaction. Those are simple to sense, right? Normally nopony bothers with those because exothaumic reactions might was well be background radiation... right?” The purple princess glanced at the guard she was learning on. He blinked mutely and shifted a hoof back. “Right,” she stumbled away from the guard's personal space. “Sorry.” Then she stumbled back onto the field, muttering as she went. “So if the trans-exothaumic reaction can be felt as a... tingling sensation somewhere between touch and heat, then it means that it's emitting electromagnetic radiation that is somehow triggering nerve endings in the body! And if that's the case, then that prickling sensation I'm feeling that's blooming into a wall of fire is-” Twilight's eyes shot up about the same time the blast collided with her face. The guard behind her cringed. “DODGE! NERD!” Author's Note Oh hey, they're starting to learn! So far, Cadance is in the lead, Luna's right behind her. Celestia really needs to get out more, and Twilight... *Sigh*. Eyes front, girl. Never, EVER let Princess Twilight have a smart phone. She doesn't need texting to distract her from herself. I was planning to use Hyperion Slaughter for this chapter, but then Rotgut Distillery (Combat) just started to feel more like the right mood here.
Oh for the love of-DODGE!“-cess -ighlight...” “Princess Twilight?” The taste of lima jolted Twilight's mind from the dark recesses of the abyss back to something more or less like a fuzzy interpretation of reality. “Come on Princess Twilight, shake it off.” “Yeah,” the snark of an unknown voice piped in. “Just shake off being dead.” “Not helping.” “I'm a guard. We haven't even gotten to PRACTICE doing that...” “So I've noticed. Where even WERE you when I launched my attack in the name of the Storm King?” “Badlands training. Didn't you read the opening narrative?” “You're not related to the Pie family are you?” “Not that I know of. Why?” “Never mind, just help me get her on her hooves...” Twilight's eyes shot open as she gasped for air. In a flash of warmth, all her aches and the sensation of seared skin were gone. Standing around her were Fizzlepop, a guard, and Piccolo. “What...” she coughed. “What happened? I remember trying to figure out that energy sense and the next, fire.” “Well,” Piccolo started. “I know you didn't dodge, considering my Ki-blast pretty much Yamcha'd you on the spot-” “You died,” the guard interrupted helpfully. “I'm pretty certain she was only ninety-NINE percent dead,” Piccolo glared irritably at the armored stallion. “Otherwise the Senzu wouldn't have worked.” “Hey,” the guard shrugged. “Her heart stopped. That's clinically dead in most Equestrian medical circles.” Piccolo raised a brow-plate. “Most?” The guard paused, glancing at Twilight, who was still trying to piece the situation together. “We don't talk about the necromancer's guild.” Even Fizz gave the guard an uncertain look. Shaking her head, Twilight cracked her neck, glancing over her shoulder to make sure both of her wings and her tail were still there. Nothing seemed out of place. “So what did I miss?” she asked, turning back to the three. “Well,” Piccolo began. “Aside from thirty seconds of DODGE! Practice- hold on a second...” Piccolo turned, casting his foreleg out and launching over a dozen bright death spheres into the air. “DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE!!!!!” he screamed, then turned back Twilight. “...Not much.” “That's another thing!” Twilight snapped. “Ever since you got here, you haven't done anything except hit us, yell at us, and blow us up! How is that supposed to be TRAINING?!” Piccolo frowned, casting sidelong glances at Fizzlepop and the unnamed guard. They returned the glance with a shrug and eye-roll respectively. “Well,” the changeling finally returned. “It's worked out so far...” Eyes turned back to where explosions began rocking the training field and yelps of the other three princesses could be heard as they all danced around. A particularly pained scream announced Celestia missing a step and getting blasted through the air. “...Mostly.” Twilight gaped incredulously at the carnage in the distance, her eyes slowly wrenching themselves back to Piccolo. “H-HOW IS THIS WORKING OUT?!” “LISTEN UP, NERD!” Piccolo suddenly boomed in a tone that would have given Princess Luna's royal equestrian a run for its bits. “MY JOB IS TO TRAIN YOU HOW TO AVOID BEING HIT! AND SO FAR! YOU'RE FAILING!” The sudden burst of volume from the strange changeling caused Twilight to take a step back, her ears folding back in trepidation. Piccolo just continued to glare at her for several seconds. Then, without any warning, he threw his foreleg out, hoof aimed at her face. Twilight cringed and turned her head away, eyes closed. “What,” Piccolo's voice began in slow, segmented growls. “The hell.” One of the princess's eyes opened as she noted that explosions had yet to come this time. “Dodge,” Piccolo stated flatly. Twilight cringed again, but didn't move. “DODGE!” the changeling shouted this time. Twilight still didn't move. “DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE!” he bellowed in her face. “Princess Twilight,” Fizzplepop chimed in. “He means MOVE!” “Move, avoid, get out of the way...” the guard commented helpfully. “It's DODGE!” Piccolo snapped angrily. “Not brace for impact! The whole point of this exercise is for you to recognize and avoid overwhelming power! To ingrain the reflex to try and avoid any and all attacks that you can so that you don't get caught off guard when some IDIOT with an axe to grind comes along and Yamcha's you!” “And how does blowing us up and kicking us through walls HELP with that?!” Twilight snapped back, gaining some confidence. “Didn't you just say you literally nearly killed me?! I could have DIED!” “Because it WORKS!” Piccolo growled. Then his eyes glanced to the side. “Mostly... What other way would I use?” Twilight's confidence gained traction. “I don't know! Throw tennis balls at us? Something that doesn't come with years of therapy and a Pavhoovian fear of a word for the rest of our life?!” Silence reigned for several seconds as changeling and princess squared off at each other. Then, after an indeterminate amount of time, Piccolo spoke. “Tennis balls...” he all but hummed, eyes narrowing. “Tennis balls,” Twilight replied with a nod. More silence, tense as a bungee cord at full extension. Then, suddenly, piccolo stood up on his hind legs, reaching for the turban on his head. “Right.,” he rumbled. “I didn't think I was going to have to do this...” Pulling, he removed the turban as well as his cape, thrusting them out towards Fizzle and the guard. “Hold these for me,” he stated. Nodding, the two stepped forward take take the articles. Piccolo let them go, and both ponies unceremoniously hit the dirt. “Oh...” the changeling glanced to the side. “I probably should mention those are heavy.” “Heavy?!” Fizzlepop gasped in shock. Ignoring any further comments, the changeling turned back to Twilight. With his full physique revealed, the princess couldn't help but fight back a blush as he rolled his head around, popping his neck and cracking his... How was he cracking his hooves? “So...” Piccolo stated in a disturbingly calm tone. “Here's how this is going to work. I'm going to start throwing my most powerful blasts at you. And you're going to dodge.” Twilight's attention instantly went to the changeling's face. “What?!” she gaped. “I just said it would be better to-” “If you don't dodge,” Piccolo continued as a faint flaming aura started to build around him. “You will be annihilated. Completely.“ “But-” Twilight tried to get in. “COMPLETELY!” Piccolo snarled, his aura exploding into a self-contained thunderstorm with energy rolling off him in spades. “And then you can sit in the afterlife for a few days to contemplate your F-minus-minus grade in combat evasion!” “That's not even a grade!” Twilight shouted, indignation warring with raw fear. Piccolo didn't bother to argue, however, as he raised a hoof into the air and began to form a sphere of raw power that blazed with the heat of a million suns. Twilight glanced around, certain the changeling wouldn't take a shot like that with noncombatants still around her. Except the guard was nowhere to be found, and Fizzlepop was sprinting away like her tail had caught fire. “You better dodge this!” Piccolo snarled. His leg came down, and Twilight locked up, her mind astounded by the amount of power she was looking at. “PICCOLOOOOO!!!!!” The new voice distracted the changeling for a moment and his swing went slightly wide. The blazing ball of doom shoot past, singing Twilight's ear before it zipped off towards the horizon. Then, with a flash that rivaled the sun for brightness, it annihilated a mountain. Twilight Sparkle let out a frigid breath as she tracked her eyes along the projectile's path. “I... really hope nopony lived there,” she breathed in horror. “Yeah,” Piccolo replied in almost conversational tone. “Like I said, we have dragon balls. If anyone's dead, we'll just wish them back.” Then, he turned, looking up. “What do you want, Bulma?!” A large, spherical machine of some kind descended from the sky with a whine, settling onto the ground in the middle of the field. Down a ramp that snapped open with no fanfare whatsoever trotted an earth pony with a cyan mane, a purple-haired foal giggling on her back. “Well,” she cast a glance around the field, noting the many craters and smoldering grass. “I guess in any dimension, boys will be boys. Or... I guess here that's: colts will be colts. Explosions certainly aren't any different.” She trotted up to the changeling, glancing at Twilight for a moment before addressing the former. “So yeah, I hate to interrupt your cathartic abuse of adorable sapient equines, but Vegeta's at it again.” Piccolo snorted, dropping to all fours and glaring. “And now is that my problem?” he asked. “It probably isn't” the cyan-maned mare shrugged. “But he skipped off to some place called New Vegeta like the arrogant ass he is and took half the reception with him, including Gohan.” “And there's a point here?” Piccolo asked. Bulma took a moment to coo over her shoulder at her foal before continuing. “Yeah... Well, not long after, Goku popped in asking me if I knew anything about a south galaxy being destroyed. I put two and two together and realized this could get real nasty, really quick. Then I remembered you were off through a magic portal and it would probably be a good idea to let you know. Some girl named Sunset pointed me in the right direction and here I am.” Bulma glanced down at her hooves for a moment, then looked back up to give Piccolo the once-over. “I have to say, I'm impressed. We did seem to turn into more or less appropriate equine versions of ourselves. I could have gone for the magic horn, though. If it weren't for voice command, I wouldn't be able to control my vehicle with this level of manual dexterity.” “Yeah,” Piccolo grumbled. “I can't use some of my techniques without fingers. So what's this about Gohan?” “Like I said,” Bulma shrugged. “He's off with Vegeta to some planet named New Vegeta, and there's apparently something that kills galaxies going around, and I can't help but feel that with our luck, all actors are going to meet on the same stage.” “Which means?” “Which means,” the earth pony rolled her eyes. “Gohan is in mortal danger, and you should probably hop to it.” Like a switch being flipped, Piccolo suddenly turned, plucking his cape and turban off the ground and donning them as before. “Right,” he stated, his voice much more brisk than before. “New Vegeta?” “Yeah,” Bulma nodded. “I left a capsule with Sunset, the coordinates are already plugged in. There's food for Goku and an extra shirt for Vegeta. Plus some books for Gohan. Chi Chi would kill me otherwise.” “Got it,” Piccolo took to the air. “Bacon Bits, Capsule, New Vegeta, food, shirt, books. Got it!” “WAIT!” All eyes snapped to Twilight. “That's IT?!” she asked in shock. “You come here, blow us up for five minutes, and then you just LEAVE?!” “Oh,” Bulma stepped in. “Don't take it personally. Piccolo's just got more pressing concerns now. I'm sure he'll be back to train you more later...” Then she turned her eyes up to the changeling, her voice becoming dangerous. “It IS training, right?” “You know Vegeta would be the one beating on these creatures for the sake of beating on them. Not me.” “Right,” Bulma nodded, rolling her eyes. “Because that would totally be Vegeta. He's also not allowed anywhere NEAR the portal.” With a curt nod, Bulma turned back to Twilight as Piccolo rocketed away with an 'I'm Coming Gohan!” shouted into the distance. “So yeah,” the earth pony smiled disarmingly. “Sorry about that. Saving the world is kind of their thing at this point, and I keep getting put on janitor duty.” “Oh,” Twilight lowered her head sheepishly. “Don't worry about it. It's just that-” “Yeah,” Bulma nodded. “I know. Piccolo's idea of training is a little on the extreme side. Just ask Gohan. Speaking of which, I had a quick chat with Sunset and she said she'd get a hold of someone to take over for Piccolo in the mean time. If I remember what she told me correctly, he should have beaten me here. Something about the guy knowing all kinds of shortcuts.” “Really?” Twilight asked. “I hope he's not crazy violent like Piccolo...” Then the princess shuddered. “I'm not familiar with this guy,” Bulma tilted her head to the side. “I couldn't tell you. Though it is hard to-” Bulma trailed off, her eyes going wide as she stared at something behind Twilight. The princess noticed the look as the mare in front of her visibly lost some color. Then, a hollow metallic 'thunk' resounded behind her. Twilight spun around, noting the guard helmet on the ground and the gu- -the skull staring back at her. “GAH!” Twilight jumped back. “Hello again, Princess.” The skull grinned back at her. Twilight's face quickly matched Bulma's as she took a step back. “Sk-” she stuttered. “Skeleton...?” “Really?” what appeared to be a former guard looked down. “I didn't think I weighed that much.” With a flourish, Bulma spun about and trotted back up the ramp into her vehicle. “Yeah, I'm done here...” she snapped, leaving Twilight alone with the... Thing. It spoke again. “Huh... Her loss. Now...” Despite not having any visible flesh to speak of, the eyes were very much visible as it settled into an un-guardspony-like slouch. “I noticed you have a tough time dodging,” it continued. “I'd like to think I'm pretty good at that. And if you don't mind...” One of its eyes glinted a pale blue. Twilight felt her fur stand on end as the energy sense she was still trying to wrap her mind around started picking up several unsettling signatures. “I'd like to give you a free lesson.” Several more skulls suddenly faded in around the undead thing, magic brimming in their mouths. “As a friend. For another friend.” “TWILIGHT!” the princess heard her sister in law shout. “DON'T JUST STAND THERE!” DODGE! Advanced Basic Combat Training for Pathetically Passive Pretty Pony Princesses Author's Note And they had a bad time ever after. I could have done a lot more for gags, but realized at the last minute I could actually place this somewhere in DBZA. You should be able to figure out where from context. It superseded some gag ideas I had involving Vegeta's snark, but a long roll of Vegeta ranting about ponies and the cuteness would have made things too busy. I'm still not a fan of whatever messed up formatting is with the site on a regular browser, though it does seem to be fine on a phone. Instead, I decided at the last moment to roll another dodge-themed character in. Because, why not? For those of you who've left a question in the comment box a dozen times, and had it answered a dozen times. The guy at the end is Sans from Undertale. If you click last video, you literally get to see why he's an obvious meta choice for the next in line behind Piccolo for training princesses how to 'DODGE!'. I will warn you. It's major Undertale spoilers. So if you click the link, but haven't played... Well, I warned you.
