I would like to f*ck you, if that's okay with you
‘He did not just say that.’
Princess Twilight liked to think she was a smart mare. She knew that she was, to some degrees, as she knew that claiming to be smart wasn’t smart. To be smart you had to know things, to understand things you didn’t know, and to react with logic and composure when new challenges approached. However, for a reason she didn’t understand, she felt like her biggest assets had just crashed into an eight wagons train.
‘No, it's something way too ridiculous to actually happen. I must be wrong. Maybe I misunderstood? Yes, definitely.’ Twilight blinked and shook her head, adjusting herself to sit straight on her throne. As a smart mare, there’s only one thing to do when feeling derailed. ‘Mind, do a summary.’
‘So, I was having a peaceful Sunday in the library,’ she thought. ‘Which means it was only me, Spike, and books. Yes, that sounds right. Now, this lasted until somepony knocked on the front door.’ Twilight checked the little throne on her left. As she remembered, Spike was sitting there with scroll and quill in his claws. She didn’t remember him gaping wordlessly, so that had to be recent. ‘I went to open the door but Spike interjected –he always wants to help me– and he greeted our guest. Said guest wanted to know if it was possible to ask something to the Princess… to me.’ With a hoof, she closed Spike’s mouth before he could drool all over his parchment. ‘I’ve got excited because nopony ever came to my palace asking for a royal consultation before, so I asked him to come to the thrones’ room… damn, I forgot to ask for his name.’
Twilight looked at the earth pony patiently standing in front of her. He had a light brownish coat, with a mane that was short and dark green. His cyan eyes were firm on her, only halfway open. His expression was blank, looking something between thoughtful and bored.
‘So I sat, Spike sat, we put on our best royal faces, I told him to ask whatever he pleased, and he said…’ Twilight failed to recall what he had just said. To say better, she refused to remember him saying what he said. She decided to give this stallion the benefit of doubt and, leaning forward with apprehension, she said, “Excuse me… what?”
If he was annoyed by her informal request, the stallion didn’t show. His answer was simply, “I said, I would really like to fuck you if that’s okay with you.”
‘He did not just say that again,’ thought Twilight in utter disbelief. “…I don't understand.”
“I’m sorry,” said the stallion with a nod of his head. “I would really like to have a sexual intercourse with you if you agree.”
“I...” Twilight lightly massaged her temple. “What?”
This time, he looked up to the ceiling and took a big breath. A moment later, he looked back to her and said, “It is my desire to use your body for the enjoyment of my senses. More precisely, I wish to grab you, taste you, lay you down on a surface, and then repeatedly shove my penis inside out your–”
Twilight bolted up and started screaming, thrashing her hooves in front of her.
“ShutupshutupshutupIknowwhatsexis!” Twilight managed to calm herself down, finally sulking in the reality. “Fuck.”
He nodded. “Precisely.”
SLAP
Twilight facehoofed loudly.
“Do you want me to leave?” he asked with a concerned tone. “I didn't mean to cause any distress.”
Twilight searched with her eyes thoughtfully all over him. could have just let him go and let it all end. Easy and done. But as a Princess, it was her duty to be smart. And to care. And to help as many ponies as possible.
Even weirdos.
“Please, wait. I want to understand for good,” she said, her hoof yet on her muzzle. “First of all, what’s your name?”
“Not Important.”
“Not important?” asked Twilight, finally raising her head. “You just asked me–”
“Seriously, that’s my name.”
Twilight frowned. “…Really? Your name is Not Important?”
Not Important(?) remained still with a blank expression for a few seconds before a smile crept and he coughed a laugh. “Nah, just kidding. My actual name is Direct Straight. And no, I have no idea why my parents chose this name, but sexuality isn’t involved.”
Twilight user every ounce of her willpower to not collide hoof and forehead again. She had to remain collected, and dig into the matter ahead of her. “So… you have a crush on me?” she asked.
“Not at all,” Direct replied.
“But you wish…”
“...to fuck you. Yes. ”
‘All right,’ thought Twilight, ‘Now I only have to think about a proper reaction and stay calm.’
Twilight suddenly pointed her left hoof towards him and shouted at full lungs. “You’re under arrest!” Saying that made her feel quite smug. ‘Nailed it.’
In response, Direct barely faltered. “Why?” he calmly asked.
“Sexual harassment. Duh.”
“No, it isn't.”
“You just walked into my house demanding to have sex,” Twilight explained.
“No. It was a request.”
“YOU CAN'T JUST REQUEST THAT!”
“I can't ask a mare for sex?”
Twilight opened her mouth to reply, choked on her words, thought about it, and stuttered, “Buh… wait, no… I–”
“In this case,” Direct flatly said, “according to your logic, any foal in town has parents that are either sexual harassers or rapists. Actually, I could say that to anypony.”
SLAP
There wasn't enough willpower in all Equestria to save Twilight’s forehead this time. “What I meant to say is,” Twilight said, her voice flying through her clenched teeth, “there are proper time and space to do that and this isn’t. I am a serious mare in the middle of my working hours–”
Direct cocked an eyebrow. “You work by hours?”
‘Now that I think about it, I don’t even know if I have a defined job,’ she thought. “The point is,” she continued, putting her hooves down and adopting her typical lecturing tone, “you broke into my workplace as I was doing an important and respectable job. Not only you’re degrading me as an individual and treating me like an object, but you're also compromising a service to the community.”
Direct Straight stayed there, looking at her intensely as she spoke and for a few more seconds, but doing nothing else notable. Then, he raised his hoof and calmly said,
“First: I am not holding you back from doing your job.
Second: I figured that your job included listening to whoever comes to you. Actually, the sign you put on your front door clearly says: ‘open for visitors to whoever seeks knowledge, friendship advice, or a book’.
And third–” a mischievous smile crept over his muzzle “–technically, I am asking for a service.”
Feeling a warm and massive blush incoming, Twilight hid her muzzle behind her wings. ‘Oh, yeah. Good job Princess Twilight. Hide behind your wings like a foal, I’m sure he won’t be there when you come out. Haven’t you learned anything from peekaboo?’
As her integrity fought against her shame, Twilight peaked between the feathers of her wings in order to not lose sight of her regretfully-first assisted. To her surprise, he wasn’t standing still with a blank expression anymore. In fact, he was darting looks all around the place and shifting weight on his hooves.
Twilight was even more surprised by what he said next. “I’m sorry… I didn't mean to embarrass you.”
‘I find that hard to believe,’ thought Twilight. She was fed up with his antics and decided that she’d rather put aside every royal formality than to hold her tongue just a second more. “Well… do you always go and ask for sex first to any new mare you meet?” she asked, pushing with a lot of sarcasm.
Again, every possible effect went unseen. “Only when I find them particularly attractive,” he said, shrugging his shoulders.
“But you don't even know me.”
“That makes it hotter.”
“I don't feel safe doing something so intimate with a stranger!” yelled Twilight.
“Who do you have sex with, then?”
“...shut up.”
Direct rolled his eyes and took another big breath. “Would you answer my question now, please?”
Twilight couldn’t believe the nerve of that guy. “I WON'T have sex with a complete stranger.”
“So,” he asked, “we will do it if we get to know each other better?”
“It should be obvious,” remarked Twilight.
“Then answer the question.”
To this day, Twilight doesn’t know what held her back from flipping the table. Besides the fact it was like a ton of weight, also being the cutie map.
With an ultimate effort of self-control, Twilight managed to calm herself and specifically answer, “If we get to know each other, spend some time together, and realize that we like each other then maybe–”
“I don't want ‘maybe’,” harshly interrupted Direct, much to her patience. “I want sex.”
Twilight internally felt all her emotions crying out loud and then dying in a matter of seconds, leaving only a dangerous void for her anger. Externally, her left eye twitched. “You want me to guarantee that we’re going to have sex if you take me on a date?” she asked, herself hearing some edginess in her voice.
“Yep,” said Direct, nodding his head. “Why do you even want me to take you on a date?”
Twilight felt the smoke coming out her ears as something pushed inside her. “I don’t. You should want to take me on a date.”
“No, I don’t. I want sex.”
“You can’t skip to sex without some courtship first,” she snarled, a force pulsing behind her eyes. ‘He can’t be this oblivious...’
“Seriously,” he asked, “do you want a date?”
“No!”
“Then what’s the deal?”
Twilight slammed her hooves, getting the sound of a big bell from her throne. “You can't expect me to grant you sex!”
“All you have to do is say yes.”
“I DON'T HAVE TO SAY YES!”
“I know. That's why I'm asking,” pointed out Direct. “And if you could just answer–”
That was the final straw. The last push. Her breaking limit. Without any further adieu, Twilight Sparkle jumped over the table screaming with her mane literally aflame. “AAAAAGH!” She pressed her snout against his and glared inside his eyes with bloodshot fury. She didn’t try to contain her anger anymore. “NO! THE ANSWER IS NO, OK? WHY THE FUCK WOULD I EVER BONE THE FIRST FUCKING GUY WHO WALKS INTO MY FUCKING CASTLE AND SAYS ‘HEY, LET’S FUCK’? NOPONY IN THE FUCKING RIGHT STATE OF MIND DOES SOMETHING SO FUCKING STUPID! NO! JUST… FUCK NO!”
Twilight stood with her heart beating, veins pumping, and heavy breathing as she glared down at him. The fire on her head extinguished, her mane went back to the usual style. Direct didn’t blink, didn’t withdraw, and didn’t utter a sound until her breath returned normal. When it did, he politely smiled and said, “Ok.”
He turned over and headed for the door, then glanced back to do a salute with his head. “Have a nice day.”
His silhouette disappeared over the corner, the sound of his hoofsteps grew softer, and there was the sound of a door closing.
With that, he was gone.
Twilight didn’t move of an inch the entire time. She was astonished, staggered, completely astounded. ‘How can he have done that? How can you ask anypony to have sex just like that? AND HOW COULD THIS BE MY FIRST CONSULTATION WITH A SUBJECT?’
“Spike?” she asked with her eyes still gazing in front of her. “Do you think that counts as our first visit from a subject?” Twilight sniffed some air and wondered where the burnt smell did come from, then she turned around. “…Spike?”
“Uh?” Spike, lost in the effort of writing on his parchment, took a moment to look up from his work “O, yeah,” he answered.
Twilight frowned. “You took notes?”
Spike’s forehead covered in sweat, his eyes darted right and left. “Yeah,” he said, “I… I mean, it’s my job.”
‘Well, it’s on paper: my first subject in need asked to bone me.’ Twilight felt so disappointed she almost didn’t notice Spike walking out the room. “Spike,” she called, “where are you going?”
“O, nowhere. Just paying Rarity a visit,” he casually said, combing the spikes on his head. “Got something to tell her.”
“Why are taking that parchment with you?” she asked narrowing her eyes.
Spike stopped dead on his tracks, turned back, looked at the parchment, then back to Twilight, then back at the parchment, then back to Twilight. Sadly, he resumed walking without saying anything and disappeared as well. Twilight stayed there, dumbfounded, and did the only thing she could think of.
SLAP
I would like to f*ck you, if that's okay with you
Twilight knew she was an analytical mare. Which was good, by her book. Being analytical meant to really look at things, to keep looking from more perspectives in order to satisfy her own curiosity. Curiosity was also a good thing because it drove her to search for more knowledge and prevented her from ignoring something that looked trivial but was actually important.
These quality were quite helpful on many occasions. Like that night, when she was in her bed, staring at the ceiling with fully open eyes, thinking about one of her questions.
‘Why can’t I sleep?’
Told you it seemed trivial. How many of you wondered about that?
Anyway, Twilight didn’t understand why she couldn't sleep. That made her feel worried, and the worry only aggravated her problem. Since she wanted to sleep a little that night, Twilight figured she only had two options.
She really, really wanted to pick option 1. Unfortunately, she knew herself to well to actually believe she could bring herself to ignore anything troubling, even if she had to fight against her tiredness. ‘I wonder if all the times I put work over sleep is going to cause me health issue on the long term,’ she thought as she sat up on her bed and magically lit up her horn like a bulb.
First thing first, she reached for her nightstand and rechecked her checklist to check if she had forgotten something. Waking up, brushing her teeth, having breakfast… etc, etc… everything was already checked. Including checking the checklist, which made this a re-recheck of the checklist. ‘I feel safe to assume I didn’t forget anything,’ she concluded.
‘But then, what’s it?’ Twilight rubbed her eyes to cast away that annoying itching behind her eyeballs and tried to think of anything that could bother her. For what she recalled, nothing happened that could throw her off. That day had been perfectly normal… except for one thing.
Even if she would gladly forget about it, that conversation did get under her coat.
Conclusion, Twilight was going crazy because of her encounter with Direct Straight. Going crazy was depriving her of her sleep. Not sleeping was driving her even more crazy.
Since she had acknowledged the problem, all she had to do at that point was to choose a course of action. ‘Please, Twilight,’ she thought to herself, joining her hooves in a silent pleading. ‘Just for this once, why don’t you just forget about this petty problem and go to sleep? I promise you can go and do something about it first thing tomorrow if you still want but please go to sleep now.’
Hoping to have come to terms with herself, Twilight smiled and tucked herself under the covers with a smile. She comfortably laid her nape over the cushion and turned off the horn-bulb. As darkness embraced her, she closed her eyes and let herself drown in silence and peace.
‘After all, who cares if there’s one annoying pony who goes around makes absurd or upsetting requests to complete strangers,’ she thought, drifting away in the sea of rest. ‘Yep, I’m sure he’s harmless. I can totally ignore one simple fellow citizen that doesn’t know how to build a relationship properly. Who cares if he’s in the wrong and nopony tells him differently, right?’ Suddenly, Twilight’s smile died down. ‘I mean, it’s not like I’m willingly ignoring somepony that could benefit from my help.’ Twilight frowned with every muscle of her muzzle. ‘Nonono, don’t see it like that. I’m sure he’s a fine guy once you get to know him. Sure, he makes an awful first impression and that must be terrible for him and maybe he’s miserable and lonely and I should help him but… but…’
Pouting, Twilight opened her eyes, threw the covers away with one strong push, jumped off the bed, stretched every muscle in her body, and trotted out of her chambers.
As she left, one last regretful thought went to her bed. ‘So close…’
THUMP THUMP THUMP
Twilight knocked three more times at the town hall, then she checked the clock tower. According to it, she had been waiting for five minutes. She considered that enough time to assume nopony was going to open.
Luckily for her, she didn’t need anypony. She had her magic and she clearly remembered that one time Mayor Mare had told her she could enter the facility at any time if it was for the crown. Twilight was smart, she knew she was perfectly in time for ‘anytime’.
Twilight moved through the doors with a teleport and instantly moved to the archive. It was going to take some work, but she was quite sure she could find out an address by the name of its resident.
THUMP THUMP THUMP
As she knocked, Twilight assumed it was a lovely morning. The sun was rising behind her (she knew that because her shadow was projected on the door in front of her) and the temperature was a little chill but in a good way. A usual morning in Ponyville –one she could normally enjoy– when she was too tired to walk straight. ‘Of course, maybe it’s because I spent the entire night searching between all the registers to find one name over hundreds and O LOOK IT WAS ON THE LAST PAGE! CLASSIC!’
If the data in the hall were spot on, she was at Direct Straight’s home. The address was among the furthest from town, reason why it took her so long to find. The house itself was plain normal among the others, green painted with red windows, but there was no trace of its owner. Twilight groaned out in frustration and waited for anypony to open the door.
Waiting, she realized she didn't know how she was going to talk with him. Was she supposed to be friendly? Or, since this was a friendship problem, it was better to show authority? She was the Princess of friendship, after all, so it made sense to give him a royal speech. Actually, she didn't even know what to tell him.
Twilight heard a click from the lock of the door exactly as that detail came to her mind. She panicked, sweat rolled down her forehead. ‘It’s ok, I just have to confront him with tact and composure.’
The door opened and Direct Straight appeared on the household, wearing a pink robe with white dots and holding a cup of coffee. As soon as she saw him, Twilight pointed a forehoof at him and yelled, “You're wrong! What you said was wrong, the way you think is wrong, and your persona per se is wrong!”
‘Nailed it.’
It took a few seconds of him looking at her in silence for Twilight to calm down a little.
With the panic going off, Twilight considered what she had just said and, ironically, felt panic going on again. ‘I just screwed up. I screwed up everything. Dear Princess Celestia Ijustscrewedupandthisisgonnabeascandal.’ Twilight noticed that she was breathing erratically from her mouth and instinctively raised a hoof to her chest. She glanced at Direct to see his reaction but he looked identical from when he appeared. He eyed her with his half-lidded eyes, looking as unimpressed and almost bored just as their previous encounter.
Not knowing what to say to make things right, Twilight waited for him to do something.
And something he did.
After half a minute of awkward silence, he took a sip from his cup.
A long sip. Without breaking eye contact.
He sucked in, gulped, and said, “Hello, Princess Twilight.”
Twilight’s heart jumped into her throat. He had to be angry for sure. “O dear,” she said in a tiny voice, “I’m so sorry for that…”
“Don’t worry,” he simply said.
Twilight’s guilt shifted to disbelief. ‘He… he isn't hurt?’
“Has been my average Monday so far.”
Twilight frowned, genuinely worried about how easily she could actually believe that. Only after she realized he was probably joking. She hoped.
Her thoughts were interrupted by his voice. “Please, why don't you come in?” he casually asked, moving back inside.
Thinking it was better to accept the offer, Twilight walked in and gave a quick look around. His living room was… basic, almost spartan, and with only the essential furniture. He only had a table, a couch, and chairs. Twilight followed him to his kitchen, which was clean and ordered. “Would you like some coffee?” he asked, shaking his cup.
“No, thanks.”
“So… I take you didn't come for sex.”
Twilight gulped as she readied herself. “Yes. I mean, I came here because… what I was trying to do with my goofy attempt from before was to let you know that what you did… the way you attempted to woo me was wrong.” Twilight paused and took a breath, looking at him in the eyes. She had to be clear, but she also wanted to as kind as she could. “I'm sorry,” she said with firm voice, “but you can't just show up and ask a stranger for sex.”
‘There, I said it,’ she thought. ‘Now, hopefully, he’ll see the error of his ways and–’
“Yes, I can,” he said, putting his cup in the sink.
Twilight choked on her words. “Yes, but it's not–” she stopped to think for the right word “–polite.”
Direct cocked an eyebrow. “Polite?”
Twilight nodded and stared straight at him in a display her determination. He didn’t seem to be affected at first, but then his eyes opened wide, he gasped, and run a hoof through his dark green mane.
“Holy Celestia, you're right,” he said, flabbergasted. “I can't believe how close-minded and rude I was.” He turned towards her with an apologetic look. “Princess Twilight, I owe you a massive apology for the things I said. If it weren't for your persistence, I could have stayed ignorant for most of my entire life.”
Twilight pulled back, impressed by the sudden change. Was her argument really that convincing? ‘Wow, I’m good at this,’ she thought with a pinch of pride.
Meanwhile, Direct came close and gently took her hoof in his. “Please, allow me to show my gratitude in any way. How about a dinner? It would be an enormous pleasure to dine with such a smart pony and brilliant speaker.”
‘Woah! This far already?’ Twilight blushed and tried not to smile for the compliments. ‘I didn’t expect him to change so drastically, what do I do now? I could say no, but then I’ll be discouraging him.On the other hoof, I don’t want to go that easy on him…’
Her thoughts derailed as he drew even closer until their muzzles almost touched, and he said with a warm and gentle voice, “Also I promise, I will continue to behave like a perfect gentlecolt until we score.” He brought his lips to her ear and whispered, “Then I'll just ditch you and never show up again.”
Despair.
Twilight felt tears of despair building up. ‘…He did not just say that.’
He abruptly let her go and stared at her with the same blunt attitude from before. “Is that polite? I don't think so, but if you count that as preliminaries, I’m okay with it.”
Twilight said nothing, she only glared at him as all her body was shaking with anger.
“Hey, what else do you expect me to do if all I want to do is to get you in my bed?” he asked.
Twilight slowly shook her head. “You’re unbelievable.” She focused on him and decided she deserved to vent something out. “Hadn’t been my responsibility to spread friendship all along Equestria and to help out those who don't realize that friendship is magic, I would have told you to fuck off. You could just listen to me and –I don’t know– maybe learn something to make your life better. Maybe I could help you with having a friend, or to make ponies like you more. For example” --Twilight narrowed her eyes and raised her voice-- “has ever crossed your mind the thought that maybe, just maybe, you could expecting something more from a mare then JUST SEX?”
“Actually, I do have some.”
Twilight blinked. “What?”
“Friends. I have some,” he repeated. “Some of them are mares, too.”
Twilight felt even more lost than before. She thought that a guy like him could never make friends with his attitude. He was just too… direct. Maybe he was lying? Or maybe he didn’t actually know what a true friend was like. Maybe, his friends didn’t like him.
“I pity those poor souls,” wryly commented Twilight. Why hold her tongue, if he wasn’t going to either?
“Just to let you know,” he said, “I’ve always been a good friend to them.”
She scoffed. “So what? I was the only mare you came to asking for sex because I'm special?”
“Sincerely, yes.”
Twilight didn’t know how to reply to that one. ‘…That was unexpected.’ She even noticed that is eyes were firm on her. He already looked serious before, even despite all his jokes and mischiefs, but now he looked grave.
“I crave you,” he said. “I don't know why, but all I wanted to do since the first time I saw you around with your friends was to–”
“Yeah yeah, caught the drift,” Twilight said ironically. “Why, though? Do I look so smoking hot to you?”
Direct smiled smugly. “Is that what you want to hear?”
“NO!” ‘Maybe?’
He started to laugh and Twilight got even madder at him for a moment. But his laugh wasn’t to mock, wasn’t oblivious, or something. His laugh was… actually nice.
He finally stopped laughing and turned to her with a smile. “I have an idea: why don’t we settle a bet?”
“You want to settle an argument with a bet?” asked Twilight, incredulous.
“No. I want to bet on who’s right about this argument. To win the bet we’ll need to establish who’s right and who’s wrong.”
Twilight cocked an eyebrow. “And if you win you get me in your bed?”
His smile died off. “Worse,” he flatly replied. “You’ll have to admit that you’re wrong. Also, your way of thinking is wrong, what you said was wrong, and the way you are is wrong.”
Twilight winced. ‘Damn, I did hurt his feelings,’ she thought, incapable of holding the eye contact with him.
“Nice comeback,” she admitted. “What if I win?”
He smiled again. “Then, I’ll ask you out for a date.”
“O, come on,” bellowed Twilight. “You expect me to be ok with this? You gain something both ways.”
“Maybe, but you can serve me right if you win.”
Twilight cocked her head. “Huh?”
“I said I’ll ask you out, didn’t say you have to comply.”
‘Oh? Ooooo…’ A smile slowly crept across her lips as understanding hit her. “I’m in.”
Direct offered his right forehoof to her, which she gladly shook with confidence.That fella had no idea who was challenging. “So, how do we find out who’s right?” she asked.
Direct scratched his chin. “How about… a sample test? We gather a few friends, around five or so, and we ask them what they think about the subject of our quarrel.”
Five figures immediately popped up in her head, giving Twilight even more confidence. “I just know who to call.”
“Perfect. But there’s one condition: they must not know about the test.”
“Afraid my friends won’t be arbitrary? That’s fine, but I want to run the test. As a scientist, I promise I’ll take notes for the entire experiment, and we’ll settle score together once we have all the data.”
“Deal.” They shook hooves again, smiling at each other with polite condescension. “How are you going to bring them to spit out their opinion on the matter?”
Twilight did a knowing-it-all laugh. “Don’t worry, I’ll just come up with an excuse.”
