A Panzer and Pony show

One

A Strange Woman

The Panzer commander and his driver were hunched over the engine bay of their Panzer VI 'Tiger', muttering to each other about what could have been the cause of the breakdown this time, which seemed to happen all too often. The rest of the crew were sitting nearby in a small wood the Panzer had broken down next to, taking the opportunity to have a bit of respite and enjoy the local scenery, which icluded a small village in the distance.
"Die Kolben sind in Ordnung." The commander mused.
"Und die Zündkerzen."
"Ja, natürlich." The commander leaned a little closer to the engine, stretching out his right hand. "Warte..."

"Hi there!"

"Scheisse!" Jumping with shock at the sudden sound, inadvertently smacking his hand against the engine, the commander spun around to face where the voice had come from. The driver did likewise, and both men stared open-mouthed at the sight of the person that now stood in front of them, unable to believe what they were seeing.

"Um, I said 'Hi there!', silly! You're supposed to say 'Hi!' back, you know." The newcomer said. She was a young lady, the commander would've guessed no older than twenty-five, but what really struck him as odd was her large, curly, bright pink hair that stuck out in front of her face, hanging down a little, and behind her went about halfway down her back. Her snug-fitting t-shirt was a bright pink too, as was her knee-length skirt and her long socks. She stood there with a naive, almost oblivious, smile on her face that was so wide it looked as if it would become painful to hold it for any length of time.

Slowly turning his head to his commander, not taking his eyes of the woman, the driver murmured "Herr Hauptmann, was hat sie gesagt?" but was ignored by the commander, who merely cleared his throat with a quiet cough before hesitantly speaking out to the woman.

"H... hallo?"

"There ya go! I knew you could do it!" The woman's smile somehow grew wider than it already was. By this point the remaining tank crew members had all walked over, each one as dumbstruck as the next as to what to make of this strange person. "So what are you all called?" she asked.

The commander, the only one able to understand her, replied in his best English. "I'm Hauptman Hans Eisenberg, zis is my Panzer cre-" Hans was cut short by a sudden giggle.

"That's a funny accent you got there, mister. Reminds me of Photo Finish." The woman said before giggling again. "So," she continued, "What's this thing ya got here? A cider machine? A stagecoach?" she rattled off more suggestions as she skipped around to the front of the tank. She stopped dead in her tracks and gasped, staring wide-eyed at the tank's main cannon, seemingly overwhelmed with excitement as she hopped from one foot to the other. "Oh my! That's the biggest party cannon I've ever seen! Can I fire it? Can I? Oh can I please? Please please please?"

Hans jumped off the back of the Panzer and dashed around to the front to see what had got the girl so lively. He took a moment to process the lady's request and yelled "Vhat? I don't care if zat's ze biggest Panzer Kanon you've seen!", completely misunderstanding what she thought she was looking at. "Und it's not to be played vith!"

The young woman looked deflated as she stopped her hopping and pouted at Hans. "Are you sure? Like, really, really sure?" She said, her eyes starting to well up.

"Ja, I'm sure." Replied Hans; but dear God, even a hardened soldier like him couldn't resist saying 'No' to that adorable expression for long. In the event, it didn't matter that he wouldn't be able to, as the woman jumped up and gave a short scream.

"Yay! He said he was sure I can have a go!"

"Vait, vhat? Zat's not vhat I... Scheisse! Don't touch anyzing in zere!" He shouted to the woman as she scurried up the tank and jumped down into the hatch. She apparently started speaking to herself, as her voice could be heard, echoed by the inside of the vehicle.

"Now which button is it? This one?"

Hans heard the 'clunk' of the smoke dischargers attempting to fire as he climbed on the tank, luckily they weren't loaded.

"Nope. What about this one?"

The headlights turned on.

"This one?"

Hans reached the open hatch just as the woman was reaching out towards the trigger for the main cannon. He had barely enough time to yell 'Verdammt!' and clasp his hands over his ears before the cannon let out a deafening roar. Hans was thrown off balance and fell onto the engine, somehow managing to land on the same hand that he hurt earlier, as the entire vehicle rocked back on its springs. When he had finally recovered, he picked himself up and looked over the turret to try and locate where the shell had landed, but found it difficult to see through the dust that had been kicked up. The young lady had her head sticking out of the hatch, frowning.

"Well that was the worst party cannon ever, there weren't even any streamers!"

"Streamers, vhy vould zere be... nevermind zat! You've hit some poor man's house, it's completely flattened!" Hans had pulled up his binoculars from around his neck and was peering through them as the dust slowly settled. He could just about make out the village in the distance, one of the cottages with a gaping hole in the side of it, and the apparent owner nearby, standing there completely staggered about what had happed.

"I destroyed his house? Aw, I feel bad now." The woman took a short pause, seemingly thinking about a solution. "But... if it has an option to destroy houses... there must be an option to rebuild them, right?" With that, she ducked back down into the turret, but was abruptly stopped by a hand grabbing her shoulder. Hans wasn't quite sure what leap of the imagination had lead her to that logic, but he wasn't going to let her loose inside the tank again. He took hold of her other shoulder and hauled her out of the vehicle. She provided little resistance, too confused as to why this man wouldn't want to rebuild the house, and allowed herself simply to lie on the top of the turret as Hans stood over her, in an attempt to prevent her from escaping and causing more havoc.

"Alright" he said slowly, he had a few questions to ask this woman. "Vhat are you? American? English? Australian?"

"I'm none of those, silly, I'm Pinkie Pie!" She replied, smiling, apparently pleased by her own response.

"So... you're from..." Hans mused, not sure where a 'Pinkie Pie' would originate from.

"I'm from Ponyville!"

"Sure..." He was seriously suspecting her to be insane by now.

"Oh, you like pink, too?" Pinkie asked out of nowhere, her eyes brightening with fascination. Hans's only reply was to sigh; he had long lamented the fact that the Panzer crews, the mighty armoured fist of the Fatherland, wore rose pink piping around their collars. Watching the young girl reach out, apparently to touch it, Hans was surprised when she suddenly jolted and yelped, grasping her hand with the other.

"My hoof! What happened to my hoof?"

"Ach, mein Gott..."

Pinkie was now having a full-blown panic attack, screaming and staring at her missing 'hoof'. All Hans could manage was to close his eyes and sigh again; she was definitely insane.

"And my other hooves! Where did they go? What are these things?"

"Zose vould be your feet..."

"And these?" Pinkie's voice sounded a little calmer now, fear slowly being replaced by curiosity. Unable to think of what she was looking at now, Hans opened his eyes and looked down, only to see her staring intently at her chest.

"Z-zose... ach... I... zat's now important right now..."

"Are you sure? They look kinda important to me."

"J-ja... I'm sure."

"Okie dokie lokie!" She replied, somehow reassured by the brief answer.

"So, ach, how did you get here?" Hans was trying to change the subject away from her chest more than anything else.

"Oh, that's easy! Just follow me!" She replied, smoothly sliding herself out from underneath Hans and jumping off the Panzer, where she turned to face Hans again. "Well, what're you waiting for? C'mon!"

Exchanging a brief glance with his crew, giving them a look that told them to stay put, Hans reluctantly clambered down off the vehicle and set off to follow the cheerful young woman, who was now skipping into the forest, with a disgruntled frown on his face.

"Well..." Pinkie started, apparently deciding to provide a story as the pair walked along. "I was walking through the orchard at Sweet Apple Acres, when I saw this big glowy thing, like a window, but more strange, and a little scarier... but not that scary, I guess it was more creepy, and it was just sitting there between the trees, and I was looking at it, and I thought 'What's that?'. So I walked through it, and then I was in a forest, and then I found you guys, and then I saw your party cannon, and then I was like 'That's the bigge-'"

"Ja!" Hans yelled, unable to stand her incessant chattering, but soon felt a little guilty for snapping at her. "I mean... zank you, I know zis part already."

"Oh look, here we are!" Pinkie said, turning to look at Hans, with a big grin on her face. Hans looked up from the ground; he had been so preoccupied with trying to withstand the barrage of noise she produced that he hadn't noticed the large, glowing oval suspended in mid-air that was in front of him. Through it was the image of apple trees, distorted as if by ripples on a pond, and completely different to the wood the two of them were now currently in.

"So, zrough zere... is 'Ponyville'?" He questioned, still not having clue what was going on.

"It sure is!" Pinkie replied cheerfully.

Hans drew a deep breath and muttered "Gott helfe mir..." as he took a step forward into the portal...

Author's note/s

Words that Hans uses a lot which you might need to know:
Scheisse: Sh*t (As far as I'm aware, though Scheisse literally translates to sh*t, it's used in a sense closer to 'bloody hell'. Though I could be wrong.)
Verdammt: Damn (Can also be 'f*ck'/*f*cking', but Hans isn't that rude. =P)
Mein Gott: My God
Ach: Oh
Ja: Yes
Nein: No
Guten Tag/ 'Tag: Good day
Auf Wiedersehen/ 'Wiedersehen: Goodbye
Dummkopf: Idiot

Translations:
Here are the German lines from this chapter in English. Please remember that the German lines are most likely a little off here and there, I don't know German all that well. They are in the same order they appear in the story.

"The cylinders are in order."

"And the sparkplugs."

"Yes, naturally."

"Wait..."

"Captain, what did she say?"

"H... hello?" (As if you couldn't figure that one out.)

"God help me..."