A Panzer and Pony show

Two

Once More Unto The Breach

Hans looked around.

Something wasn't right.

Well, everything was perfectly alright. But that's what made it not right. Surely, one does not simply walk into another land... and for everything to be alright? What furthered Hans's suspicion was that the only person so far that he knew lived here, Pinkie Pie, was completely deranged, and yet must be considered 'normal' enough in this place to not be in an insane asylum. He had seriously expected it to be raining chocolate milk, roads to be made from soap, houses to defy gravity and hover in the air... something.

But no, everything was fine. Normal, even. Looking around, Hans could see he was in some sort of orchard, which fitted with Pinkie's story. It seemed to stretch to the horizon; all Hans could see were apple trees in every single direction, with a large barn poking out from the tree tops not too far away. On the ground, dotted in between the trees, were flowers of every colour. Along with the rustling tree leaves, these swayed gently in the light breeze, the spellbinding smell of apples mixing with the scent of flowers as it was carried by the wind. Hans was admiring them for a while before he realised something.

Flowers.

Hans couldn't stand them. Hay fever hit him 'like a... like a Panzer.' he thought, before mentally cursing himself for coming up with such an obvious analogy. While still taking in the new surroundings, it didn't take long for him to realise something else: he was thinking in English. Even the thoughts that were running through his head, right now, thinking about thinking in English, were doing so in a German accented English. This wasn't right.

Hans actually felt more at ease for a moment, at least now he had figured out the thing that was different about this place; apparently thoughts were in English. But still, he could see it becoming rather annoying. His English thoughts were interrupted by a loud sneeze that startled a few birds in the nearby trees, and threw his officer's cap off onto the ground.

"Ach, verdammt hay fever."

Well, at least he could still speak some German words, he considered, as he reached down to pick up his hat.

"Scheisse! Verdammte Scheisse! Mein Gott!"

Hans was staring in sheer shock at the hand that picked up his cap. It was no longer a hand. In its place was a stump that he shook around furiously, as if it was some kind of glove that would come off to reveal his true hand underneath. He was in such panic he didn't notice that this flung his cap into a nearby tree.

"Scheisse, Scheisse, Scheisse, Scheisse..." The words came out his mouth fast and rapidly as he continued wildly flailing the stub around, eventually giving up and holding the trembling appendage in front of his face, panting a little from the exertion. He stared at it. No fingers, no palm, no knuckles; just a single stump, as if someone had cut his hand off at the wrist. But wait, didn't hands come in pairs?

Dreading what he might see, Hans slowly turned his head down to look at his other hand. His fears were confirmed. It too, was just a stump. Even more confusingly, he was standing on it, and after checking his rear legs, he could see that he was now seemingly a quadruped. As he began to ponder over the potential implications of this unusual turn of events, he was interrupted by something flying through the air, crashing into him and sending him to the ground.

"Gott im Himmel!" Hans looked up to see a bright pink pony sprawled on top of him.

"Oh, sorry, mister!" The pony looked down at Hans, somewhat confused, as Hans looked back at her with a similar expression.

"... Pinkie Pie?"

"... Hans?"

"You're a pony?" Both said in perfect unison.

"Vell, apparently-"

"Of course I am, I've-"

"-I am now."

"-always been a pony."

Neither pony could understand what the other was saying in the muddled conversation, each pausing at the same time to let the other talk, then both speaking over each other. Nevertheless, they didn't need to communicate to see that they were both now ponies. Pinkie Pie rolled off Hans and allowed him to stand up, although she didn't seem the slightest bit concerned about anything. Hans stared at the glowing oval that hung in the air and walked over to it, then stuck his head and front leg through.

"Vell, zat's interesting..." Hans could see the leg was now his normal hand again, and turned back into a stump when he pulled it back out of the oval.

"Whatcha doing there?"

"Testing how zis zing vorks."

"Oh, can I see?" She said, springing towards him.

"Sure, just poke your arm... leg... zing... in und out."

"Okie dokie!" She said with a smile. After doing this a few times, gasping every time it changed from a hand to a hoof, she became rather amused by this, and had soon broken out into song as she kept doing it.

"You reach your right hoof in, you reach you right hoof out!
You reach your right hoof in, and you shake it all about!
You do the Pony Pokey; do in day in and day out!
That's what I'm talking about!"

Watching the spectacle with a relative lack of interest, Hans groaned as she starting to jump through the oval repeatedly.

"You stomp your whole self in, you stomp yo-"

"Pinkie!"

Unable to take any more, Hans had shouted to grab her attention. "Pinkie! Vhat is zis zing, anyvay?" He asked, waving his stumpy leg around.

She looked puzzled by this question. "That's your hoof, silly, didn't you know?"

"My hoof?" Hans considered how this went someway to explaining Pinkie's earlier moment of panic, which he only now realised was not too different from his own. "Of course... of course it's a hoof." Though it didn't look like any hoof Hans had seen before, it was just sort of the stub of a leg, he was willing to suspend his disbelief over this trivial matter, given how he considered the fact he was now a pony more important.

Suddenly, a grey pony head appeared through the oval.

"Herr Haupt... vhy are you dark brown? Und a pony, for zat matter?" Though Hans was a pony, the newcomer was still able to identify his Captain by the rank insignia on his shoulders. "Und vho's zis pink pony?" His deep voice carried in the relative quietness of the orchard.

"Why does no one recognise me? Hello?! It's me, Pinkie Pie!"

"Johan," Hans recognised the voice, "I'm as clueless as you. But I'm vorking on it. Also, zat's Pinkie Pie, if you hadn't already guessed." He continued, taking a glance at his hoof; he had barely noticed what colour he was amidst the panic and confusion, he was a chestnut brown, and the lock of mane he could just about catch a glimpse of was a darker, chocolate brown. He now also saw that he was still wearing his black Panzer uniform was, though his boots were absent. He hoped they'd reappear upon walking through the oval again, they were custom made, and not cheap. Turning back to Johan, he didn't pay attention to Pinkie skipping over to a nearby tree and apparently trying to grab something from it's branches.

"Ach, alright, Herr Hauptmann. I just came to report zat Deinhardt is being a Dummkopf, and has bet everyone he can drink a gallon of Panzer fuel and live... again."

"Johan?"

"Ja, Herr Hauptmann?"

"I didn't know you spoke English."

"I don't, Her- Scheisse! Vhat's going on? My thoughts... my speech... Gott helfe mich!"

"Calm yourself, Johan! It's just a new language."

"Ja... ja... you're right..." Said Johan, breathing a small sigh of relief. "Zis is odd."

"Indeed so."

"It's..." Johan stared off into the distance as he thought; Hans could almost see the cogs whirring in his head. "It's almost like someone's watching us... like some sort of omniscient person looking at us from a distance, able to hear our speech und read our every thought. But, he doesn't understand much German. So, he's forced us to speak und zink in English, mostly, vith ze exception of ze few vords he understands... like in a book, vhen a foreigner's vords are vritten in German, so us German readers can understand und don't get lost in masses of dialogue."

Hans stared at him in disbelief. "Do you realise how stupid zat is? Vho vould vant to vrite a book about us? Ve'd make one-dimensional, possibly two-dimensional characters at best. Und, any Dummkopf stupid enough to actually do so, vould no doubt vrite our dialogue in cheap, ridiculous, stereotypical und probably slightly offensive German accents. Replacing a 'w' vith a 'v', 'th' vith 'z' und so on."

"You're right, Herr Hauptmann... if you ever find a book like zat, give me ze author's address so I can run his house down vith ze Panzer."

"You have my vord, Johan."

"Vell, now zat's settled," Said Johan as he stepped fully through the oval. "Tell me how I look as a pony." He had guessed that as the two previous humans were now ponies having stepped through the glowing oval thing, he would become one as well.

Rolling his eyes, Hans replied, with more than a hint of sarcasm "Vonderful, Johan. Ze blonde of your mane really compliments your grey complexion."

"Excellent! Now I'm as pretty as my mother alvays vanted me to be!"

"I vorry about you, sometimes, Johan." Hans's gaze wondered over to Pinkie, who was still occupied with desperately jumping up at a tree. Hans's interest was drawn back to Johan, who had sniggered, and now had a smirk on his face. Rolling his eyes, Hans sighed. He knew what this meant.

"Out vith it, Johan."

"Herr Hauptmann?"

"Ja, Johan?"

There was a pause.

"Your mother alvays said I vas hung like a horse."

Author's note/s

Alright, a slightly shorter chapter this time, I didn't have a dream to work from.

Also, I'm heading away for two weeks this Saturday, so I won't be able to update the story. But have no fear! (If you were going to have some), for I shall take a pen and paper with me and write some stuff the old fashioned way. (With the pen and paper, just to clarify.) So hopefully there'll be of plenty new stuff when I get back.

Let me know your thoughts and opinions on this chapter, and any suggestions are more than welcome. I'll try to read some before I leave on Saturday, and take them into consideration as best I can.