Shining Armor would like to state, for the record, that he did not goggle when his new wife said those five terrible words to him moments after the door to their honeymoon suite had closed behind them. Nor did he make a sound like a suffocating goose being hit with a bagful of cats. He would especially like to make clear that he did not start to cry slightly. He would really like to say that.
Unfortunately, in the interest of keeping this narrative as truthful as possible, none of those things can be said. He goggled. He made a strangled, gagging honk. And the waterworks that sprang to his eyes were comparable to the most marvelously elegant fountains in Canterlot.
He stared, horrified, into the eyes of his own darling Cadence, whom he had married not five hours earlier and arrived with in their bedroom only minutes ago. He wanted to scream, to cry, to do anything. All he could muster, however, was “Huh— buh— Wha?”
Cadence’s eyes softened. “Well, not right now,” she said, soothingly. “It’s been a long day for both of us. And you don’t have to make a decision right now, either. Though, if you could choose sometime in the next week, that would be great.”
Shining stared, mutely. “I don’t understand,” he said quietly.
Cadence frowned as she threw off her wedding gown, flapping her wings unconsciously as she stretched out. “I thought I was pretty plain,” she said. “We should see other ponies.”
Cadie. We’re married.”
Cadence nodded, shaking out her mane. “I know. I was there. I thought the reception turned out pretty well, considering the whole invasion thing.”
"We’ve only been married five hours,” Shining clarified. “I’m pretty sure the standard ‘itching’ time is meant to be seven years.”
Cadence shook her head. Then, noticing that Shining had yet to remove his own outfit, she began to unbutton his dress uniform. “Nah, that’s just stuff journalists make up when it’s a slow news week. I’ve heard of a seven year itch, three month itch, eleven year itch…”
"So this is, what, the five hour itch? Cadence, we haven’t even had our honeymoon yet!”
"Like I said, you don’t have to decide now,” the princess of love and emotion returned with a shrug. “I’m sorry I mentioned it, sweetie. I should have known it might be a little too much after today.” She gave him a light peck on the cheek, but he barely registered it.
"I thought you loved me!”
Cadence frowned. “Well, I didn’t marry you for your stamp collection.”
“So why are you suggesting that we should cheat on each other?” Shining finally snapped.
Cadence’s forehead creased in confusion. Then, her eyebrows rose in sudden realization. “Ooo,” she said. Pink hoof met pink face.“Okay, I think we might not be on the same page here.”
“I don’t think we’re in the same book.”
“I didn’t mean that we should stop seeing each other,” Cadence clarified. “I meant that we should see other ponies… together.”
She looked at her husband’s face expectantly. It was like marble. “... Like Celestia does in Day Court?” he tried.
The princess winced. “No. More… romantically.”
"A Romance Court,” Shining said desperately. “We’ll offer dating advice to couples in need.”
“No. Good idea, though, I’ll write that down,” Cadence said, levitating over a quill and parchment.
Shining Armor drew in a shuddering breath. “Like… inviting another pony into our bedroom,” he said neutrally.
"And on dates and other things. Possibly multiple ponies at a time,” Cadence said with a nod. “Swingers? Is that the word?”
Shining nodded philosophically. “So it’s bigamy.”
Cadence blanched, lips pursing. “Well, I wouldn’t say that.”
"I would,” her husband said, pacing angrily to the other side of the room. “It’s bigamy, and I won’t hear another phrase to describe it! Why, there is no other word for it! It’s bigamy! Bigamy! Bigamy!”
Cadence’s face dropped. Maybe this should have waited until after the Changeling fiasco had blown over a little… But then, Shining turned around, a sly smile on his face. “It’s very big-a-me,” he enunciated, “to say yes. Very big indeed.”
Cadence stared in blank incomprehension for a moment. Then, her face split into a wide grin. “You jerk! You had me worried!”
Shining burst into a fit of giggles as Cadence leapt on him, playfully swatting at his face. “You’re a dork,” she sighed.
Shining’s smile morphed into a smirk. “Oh, yes. I’m a dork,” he said, a hint of seduction creeping into his tone. “Tell me, Cadie, do you know the etymology of that word?”
Cadence raised an eyebrow. “No, actually. Are you going to tell me?”
"It’ll be easier to show you,” he said, gently rising and trotting toward the bed.
Cadence smiled. She had always liked learning new things. This language lesson, she thought, was one she would remember for a long time…
The next morning came all too soon. Both lovers had passed out after only an hour: not altogether surprising, given the day they’d had. Cadence was the first to rise, her mane a rat’s nest and yesterday's makeup plastered across the pillow, forming a profile in silhouette. She smiled as she looked down at her Shiny’s sleeping form. All four of his hooves were wrapped tight around a pillow, and he was clinging to it like a baby koala. A snoring baby koala with a faint stubble and a thin line of drool hanging from his mouth. Adorable.
She slipped, catlike, out of the room and into the hall. All was silent as she stared out at the red glow of the rising sun. She smiled at the new dawn. All was right with the world.
Still, maybe it would be best to wait a few weeks before she explained that all alicorns and draconocci were actually higher-dimensional eldritch beings that were just sort of wearing pony disguises to blend in. There were some things that had to be broken delicately, after all.
Author's Note
Well, that's done it. First story up on the site, and exactly the word limit, too. I love a challenge. Sometimes. When it's self-imposed. I hope to have some more stories up sooner rather than later, so if you enjoyed this piece of nonsense, look out for future, possibly less-nonsensical, works.
-6&7
