All I Had to do was Stop

I still can't believe I pissed myself last night. I'm also still shaken up by that nightmare I had that caused me to wet my bed. Just when I thought I could put my mistake in the past, my subconscious thoughts decided to come back and throw it right in my face. When I was in prison, not a day went by without me feeling deep regret for what I did to end up there but I never had dreams as horrifying as the one I had last night.

I'll never take my Mom and Dad for granted. Who knows where I'd be without them and I hate to even think about it. After I was done throwing up, they washed my piss soaked sheets and stayed by my side all night until I could finally get exhaustion to take its toll on me. I don't recall having any dreams after that but I couldn't stop thinking about it after I woke up. I can't believe I slept in so late, I didn't get out of bed until ten o'clock. Then again, I didn't get back to sleep again until about five in the morning.

Both my parents are at work now and I bet they're going to spend their entire day worried sick about me. I really need to pay them back for all the shit I put them through. The least I can do is make myself useful while I'm here. At twenty three, my parents took me back in after I got out of prison and they're not charging me any rent, not that I have a single bit to my name anyway.

I trotted around the house in search of something to do, any messes to clean up, dishes to wash and the like. My parents were always neat freaks so of course the place was spotless. Not even the windows had a single smudge on them nor the floors a single speck of dust. I need to do something for them while they're at work. Oh! The garage looked kinda messy when I got back yesterday and Dad is always tinkering with stuff out there! I know what I'll do! First things first though.

I wasted no time getting the things I would need for the task ready and with a bucket full of strong paint removing solvent and a brush with stiff bristles, I went outside, pulled the garage door back down and went to work. It was because of me that somepony came by and started spray painting this on my parents' property, the least I can do is scrub it off. Forget that it was meant to insult me, this isn't my house.

It was really hard to look at but still I scrubbed on. To think that ponies who were once my neighbors and even friends from around town now refer to me as "Killpuff Lime" hurt more than any beating I had gotten from the biggest and toughest of prison guards and inmates. I guess that was enough motivation for me to wipe it away that much faster. Okay, that wasn't such a chore, now was it? Now, I'll just lift the overhead door back up and start cleaning the inside of the garage.

It was a single car garage detached from the house with enough room to park another car next to the one already in there if there was another door to pull it into. Perfect for any neat little projects for my Dad to work on but not with that mess taking up space. Not for much longer, because I'm going to take care of it. My old Coltswagen is still parked in here too. It's going to be a long time before I'm going to be allowed a driver's license again so I insisted that my parents try to sell it just to be rid of the thing. They couldn't even pay somepony to take it off their hooves after word spread around what it was involved in so they just parked it in the garage, out of sight and out of mind.

I made so many memories with that old car. It was my very first one of course and I'd gone on so many fun road trips with friends and even had my first kiss after a date when I was eighteen. As I trotted around the car that was pulled in front bumper first, the sweet memories just kept coming back. Every little dent and paint chip, the big scrape on the passenger side where I got a little too close to the little yellow post next to a gas pump...heh, that was the day I my friends and I went to see that Spectrebusters movie. All those fun times went re-playing through my mind up until I trotted around the front end of the car. What I saw when I reached up to pull a string that switched the light on would ruin my day once again.

"Gaaahh!!" I screamed as I jumped back and fell on on my rump.

Just when I had a moment to reminisce about some of the good times I've had, I was greeted by the sight of a big dent in the front bumper of the car with a hideous splash of crimson covering it. My heart began to race much like it did the other night as I sat there gasping at the splatters of blood creating a puddle on the garage floor as it dripped. I began to panic and shuffle on the floor to scoot away from the stain until my back was against the wall. I started to hyperventilate and in a desperate attempt to drown out what I was seeing, I tightly shut my eyes and violently shook my head around. To my sanity, when I opened my eyes again and took a second look, the blood that coated the whole front end of the car was gone.

It wasn't really there! I was just seeing things! Though I could slow down my breathing and calm myself down now that I knew that I was just seeing something that wasn't there there was still the issue of...well, seeing something that wasn't there. There is something seriously wrong with me. After sitting there, crying for a few minutes, I picked my sorry flank back up and very slowly trotted back into the house where I took to the bathroom to splash some cold water over my face.

"Okay, pull it together." I said to myself as I stood with my forehooves on the edge of the bathroom sink. "That wasn't really there...it's all in my head...I'm just gonna take a breather, and go down there and clean the garage for Mom and Dad."

After taking a moment to gather myself and down a glass of water, I went back down to the garage with no crimson puddle in sight went to work. It wasn't totally trashed so cleaning the garage didn't take much longer than about a half hour. After rearranging my Dad's tools, dusting the shelves and neatly organizing everything else, I took a step back to give my work a once over. Not bad. I'm just glad I can at least make myself useful around here while my parents are at work. Come to think of it, I think it's garbage day, so I should go back inside and bring the cans to the curb.

While I dragged the steel can to the end of the driveway, I got a new idea of something I could do. I trotted back into the garage and after sorting through the stuff I'd need for my next project, I trotted out sporting my Dad's tool belt and a couple small planks of wood on my back. It was a snap. I nailed the two planks in place to fix the post that the mailbox sat upon and a rubber mallet to tap out the dents. After that, I gave it a nice new coat of teal paint from a can I found in the garage. Good as new!

That little "illusion incident" aside, I was feeling pretty good. For the first time in a whole year, I could actually give back to somepony besides just weeks and months of my life. It was a small start but it was progress nonetheless. Just because I have no way to get around doesn't mean that I'm completely useless. I have so much to give! I bet if I just take a trot around town I can find someway to help ponies. Again, it's the least I can do but alas, it'd have to be another day as my parents would be home soon and I wanted to have dinner ready by then.

Admittedly, I learned a lot of things I could do with ramen while I was locked up, not that I'm proud if it or anything. Still, I'm just glad I could make use of some of the dozens of packs of it my parents had stored in the pantry. I threw that together along with some spinach, tomatoes, a poached egg on top along with some other stuff and sure enough, the family sedan pulled into the driveway not two minutes after I finished cooking. To see their tired eyes light up at the now clean garage door and repaired mailbox made me feel the best I have in a very long time. I can't wait until they come in and see that they don't have to make dinner.

"Creampuff, sweetie, you didn't have to do all this!" My Dad beamed as he and Mom trotted through the front door. "Ooh, that smells good!"

"Mom, Dad, I'm not about to start mooching off you two and not making myself useful around here." I said with giggle.

"Puff Puff, You're not mooching off us!" My mom gasped. "What, you think we're just going to let our own daughter wander the streets and starve?"

"We're helping you get back up on your hooves because we love you!" My Dad added.

The way I was feeling before, it did nothing but help me feel so much better to hear them say that. Still, I refuse to sit around the house and do nothing all day while my parents work hard to support my grown ass. My Mom, my Dad, and I all enjoyed our dinner together and shared a few laughs like we did last night. I'm really glad they didn't ask me how or where I learned to make ramen look like a five star meal, that would have been awkward to say the least. I mean, I did eat a lot of it when I was going to college, so I guess I didn't have just prison to thank.

It took me a while to fall asleep later that night because obviously, I was still thinking about the dream I had last night and the bloody illusion I saw earlier today. Once again, I tossed around the dilemma of whether or not I should tell my parents that I started seeing things but ultimately decided not to, again because more worrying about me was the last thing they needed. After a little while of playing some late night video games though, fatigue was finally winning the battle and I could quietly drift off to sleep. Today was a better and I could go to sleep, confident that from here on out, things could only get better still.

Gasp!

Or not. Once again, I sprang awake in the middle of the night after a nightmare, this time about standing in front of the grave of that colt before the ground burst open and his rotting body crawled out and chased me around. I woke up right at the moment where he caught up to me and began gnawing at my skull. The only positive thing about this is that I didn't scream and wake my parents. I just couldn't get myself to fall asleep again, not after another nightmare about that little colt.

Weeks went by and night after night, I had some form of dream about Clutzy, that little colt I killed last year. I never had dreams this bad when I was locked up but now that my punishment in prison was over, a new torment was beginning and constantly reminding me that I got off easy and deserved to suffer much more. The sad part is that it's probably true.

From being cast down to burn forever in Tartarus to looking into the eyes of that innocent little colt as his life fizzled out, you name it, I dreamt it. Save for the occasional crawling out of my room to eat, shower and make a pathetic attempt to help around the house, I spent most of my time holed up in my room and my parents were starting to really worry. Before heading out to work for the day, they both decided to have a talk with me about it in hopes that I would take a different approach and ultimately have a better day.

"Puff Puff, sweetie?" My Dad said to me, my Mom standing next to him, ready to offer her own advice. "Your mother and I both agree that it might be good for you to get out and enjoy the weather today."

"Try taking a trot around town and maybe to the park." My Mom added. "The local fire department is having one of its barbeques and your friends usually go, don't they? I bet they'd love to see you again."

"It's...worth a shot." I said, very unsure about the idea.

I had a good reason to have my doubts. Just a few weeks ago, somepony vandalized my parents' garage door and broke their mailbox so who knows what ponies might do if they see me trotting around town. No matter which way I look at it though, it's a risk I have to take. I need to get some fresh air and sunlight before I go even crazier so as I stood at the end of our driveway, staring in the direction of the busier side of town, I took a deep breath and began trotting down the sidewalk into my hometown for the first time in a year. I had no idea what could happen and honestly didn't want to even think about it. Luckily, the beautiful weather did help distract me.

I was going at a slug's pace just to really enjoy the sights of the flowers blooming and the smells of my neighbors' gardens and admittedly, going slow always helped keep me calm. I had a few bits that I had saved in my room with me in case I wanted to buy a drink or something. Hey, what do I have to lose? Well, regardless, I was nervous and almost shivering as I trotted down the sidewalk towards another pony from town who was trotting towards me in the opposite direction. This will be the first time I've interacted with anypony who wasn't my parents or an inmate in a long time.

I couldn't show how nervous I really was if I wanted to stop and make small talk with a neighbor but it was easier said than done. As I trotted up to this mare in her early thirties, I gave as normal of a smile as I could, not too big and not too toothy as to creep somepony out. We were closing in on each other and I knew this mare from around town too, then again, everypony knows each other in Trottski. Only a few feet away now, I'm just going to make it a short and sweet greeting.

"Good morning." I said with a smile and a little wave as I stopped on the sidewalk.

She just kept on trotting and didn't even so much as make eye contact with me. Okay, I can't say I didn't see that coming. It could have been a lot worse, at least she didn't wind up and smack me upside the face. Maybe it's not even me, maybe she's just having a rough day or just doesn't have time to chit chat. No problem, the day is young, there is plenty to do out there and I have a little bit of spending money. I just shrugged it off as nothing and went on my merry way.

A few blocks later, I came across another pony, a stallion about my Dad's age. Like I mentioned before, everypony knows each other in this town and this one I think is the father of one of my classmates from high school. He's got his eyes straight ahead as he's trotting my way and a small smile as he seems to be enjoying the nice weather. What could it hurt to say hello?

"Hi!" I greeted with a smile. "Jury Rigg's dad, right? How are you?"

"Don't...even...talk to me." The stallion said without so much as looking at me, his smile taking its quick leave.

I'll be honest, that really hurt. If he hadn't said anything at all, then I could give him the excuse that maybe he just didn't hear me or something but he made it obvious that he didn't want to be anywhere near me. Though I barely knew the guy, he was still a neighbor and a fellow member of the community I still love so much so I couldn't help but sniffle as I trotted away with my head hung.

I can't let this set the tone for the rest of my day, I just can't. There has to be somepony around I can talk to, and I haven't seen my home town in a whole year. As Faust as my witness, I am going to go trot around town and start making friends again if it kills me! I just hope it actually doesn't.

As I neared the busier side of town, I noticed more and more ponies trotting the streets, all these familiar faces that I missed so dearly just waiting for me to talk to. Ponies where all over the place chatting with one another and as I looked to the other side of the street, I saw two of my friends trotting along side by side who were the ones I was supposed to see a movie with that fateful day. I haven't seen them since before that whole mess and we were always so close! There's no way they'll snub me after all we've been through!

"Hey! Crystal! Gem!" I beamed as I trotted across the street to talk to my friends. "It's been way too long! How are you!?"

I stopped about ten feet from them as the surprised yet slightly worried looks on their faces was very discouraging. For an awkward half minute, they just stood there staring at me and my genuine smile began to turn into a look of pathetic desperation. All I wanted was for somepony to and these two who were longtime friends of mine were making quite clear that I wasn't welcome around them. It's what they said next that ripped off the old stitches, tore my heart out and smashed it on the ground harder than anything ever before.

"Uh, Creampuff..." Gem began as she scratched the back of her head, completely avoiding eye contact. "We, um...we really can't be seen talking to you."

"Come on, Gem." Crystal said as she proceeded to trot past me, never once looking me in the eye. "Let's get out of here before somepony sees us."

I was speechless, I didn't know what to say. I couldn't do anything but stand there, shaking as tears flowed down my face. The wounds were raw and as fresh as the day my life was destroyed and steadily getting worse. Two of my closest friends just trotted past me and left me there with nothing but the puddle of tears I was forming underneath me. I could actually feel physical pain in my chest as I stood there and quietly sobbed. I would soon find out though, that there actually was somepony who wanted to talk to me but whether it would be a pleasant exchange like I so badly wanted, I couldn't be sure.

BWAAAAAAAAMF!

The sound of a loud air horn that probably belonged on a semi rig blasted through the air and shook me so hard that my tear ducts shut right off. Startled, I whipped around to see a black and white police car stopped at the curb with two officers sitting in the front seat as they laughed hysterically at my reaction to the sudden din. After calming down, the officer driving the car began to roll down his window. Even though they nearly made me pee myself again, I wasn't about to be picky if there was anypony who wanted to talk to me.

"Eheheheheh. Good one, officers!" I said with a grin slapped onto my still tear soaked face. "You really got me!"

"Welcome home, Creampuff!" The officer in the driver's seat said with a smile. Whether it was genuine or not, I wasn't sure. "Glad to be back?"

"Oh! You bet I am! I've missed everypony so much!"

"I'm sure others in town missed you too." The officer in the passenger seat said, his tone being too fake to ignore. "It just hasn't...pfft, hasn't been the same without you here."

I could tell that they weren't being genuine at all but at this point, I didn't care. I just wanted somepony to talk to and these two mean cops would suffice. Just to have somepony's voice directed towards me was making me feel better.

"Well, here I am." I said. "I'm just trotting around town to...shoot the breeze with friends and neighbors, you know?"

"Hey, there you go!" The passenger said. "Not letting what happened get you down, right?"

"I'm just...trying to move on is all. I paid for my mistake and now, I'm looking for ways I can give back to my community. I think I'll find it if I just keep looking."

"That's the spirit! So look, we've gotta get going but keep your chin up, alright?"

"I plan on it! Thank you, sir!"

I turned around to keep on trotting but before driving off, the two officers of the Trottski Police Department called over and offered their last two bits of advice. It would end up ripping away whatever positive feelings I had gained from the conversation.

"Oh, and Creampuff?" The officer in the driver's seat called over, causing me to turn back around to face them. "Try not to kill any more innocent foals. Please?"

"Parents sure started getting worried after you got back, kid." The officer in the passenger seat added before the two of them laid rubber on the road, laughing their flanks off the entire way.

Another kick to the chest but I just couldn't give up! There are over two thousand ponies in this town, there's got to be somepony who will talk to me without treating me like garbage! At this point, I'm getting desperate. Just a couple words of genuine dialog is all I ask for and my day will be complete. I know! I'm getting a little thirsty so I'll just trot into this store to buy a soda and make small talk with the clerk!

"Get the hell out of here, Lime!" The clerk behind the counter shouted the second I stepped through the door.

Okay, that didn't work. It's getting even more and more painful as I go on, but still, I just keep going in search of somepony to have a nice, civil conversation with.

"Geez, they sure let you out pretty quick." A mare said with utter disgust as we trotted past one another.

"I can't even stand to look at you!" Another said a few yards later. "You better get away from me right now, I don't even know what I'll do!"

"How can you even live with yourself?" A stallion snapped at me.

"You do know that nopony wants you around here, right?" A mare who was once my old foalsitter spat.

"You're dead to this town, you hear me!?" A stallion shouted at me from the other side of the street.

It was what another mare said to me a few minutes later that just made something in my brain snap. Of all the horrible things, all the nasty venom ponies could spray out of their mouths at me, what was said to me next spoke to me in the worst possible way and drilled ideas into my head that I never otherwise would have even conceived in all my days.

"Why don't you just kill yourself?" A pegasus mare spat as she swooped over my head and gave me a rude hoof gesture. "Seriously, nopony wants anything to do with you, you'd be better off dead."

I had to really stop and seriously ponder what was just said to me. I honestly had so much to give but not a single soul around to let me prove it. I had lost every single one of my friends and was doing nothing but dragging my Mom and Dad down with me. The almost four weeks I've been out of prison, the weeks that should have been my absolute best in all my life were turning out to be even worse. In prison, I at least had others to talk to and occasionally, I would have a bigger, stronger mare standing up for me when I was pushed around.

As I trotted back home, all kinds of things rushed through my mind, all the things I could do if I were to actually off myself. I could get something that looks like and gun and point it at a cop or maybe just rip his out of his holster and blow my brains out. I could jump into the Smelt River with a big, heavy weight around my neck. I think there's a jug of antifreeze in the garage.

No! I can't do this to my parents! If I killed myself, it would destroy them! What was I thinking!? No, I've gotta get this idea out of my head! I could never commit suicide. Could I? As I trotted on with my head hung low, I couldn't help but notice something that drove the horrible thoughts into my head even further. Soon before I was locked up, there was construction on a new apartment complex on a street a few blocks away from my parents' place and it looks like it has since been finished.

There aren't many buildings taller than two or three stories in this little town but this one was a solid ten and had to be a hundred...no, more like a hundred and twenty feet from the rooftop to the asphalt parking lot below. I was stuck in a trance of sorts as I stared up at this gleaming tower that could be my saving grace and I could think of just one thing and one thing only...would a fall from that height be enough to kill me?

I shook my head violently and began galloping back home. I had to get these thoughts out of my head and fast! I need to be around the only ponies in the world who care about me, I've never been so depressed in my life! Everywhere I turned, everywhere I looked, somepony was giving me a look of complete and total disgust and made it even all the more clear that I simply wasn't wanted around anymore. That did nothing but drive the point in even deeper and I was genuinely terrified that I would soon snap and do something foolish.

Finally, I was home and locked back in my bedroom where I could cry in as much peace as I could while I waited for my parents to return home, all the while not being able to get the image of that building out of my head. I needed my Mom and Dad so badly, just to be around them could very well save my life! But, that begs the question. Did I actually want my life saved? Since the day I made the biggest mistake in my life, I have endured nothing but torment and misery, not that I didn't deserve every bit of it. I'm just not strong enough and that's all there is to it.

I can't shake these thoughts no matter what I do. Finally, it was six o'clock and I could hear my parents trotting through the door so I wiped the tears from my face and quickly put a couple drops of eye moisturizer in my eyes to get rid of the redness and trotted downstairs to greet my Mom and Dad. After dinner, we enjoyed a night on the sofa watching movies together side by side and enjoyed many tight group hugs together. I went out of my way to tell them both how much I loved them more frequently than usual and I made sure to hug them every second I was given a chance whether they liked it or not, though I knew they did. I was going to make this the best, most love filled night with my parents as I had made the decision that it would be my last.

It was now three o'clock in the morning and I had just finished making the last changes to my long goodbye note and left it on my bed before trotting down the hallway and stopped as I reached my parents' room, the door open just a crack. I needed to take a good long look at my Mom and Dad who I loved to no end as they slept soundly as it would be the last time I ever saw them. Within the hour, I would be lying in a pool of my own blood on a freshly paved parking lot.

"I love you two...so much." I whispered as I trotted away from my parents' room, down the stairs and out the door where I would put my plan into action.

The crickets were chirping and the moon was full on this beautiful, cool late spring night and the glow of the street lamps burned brightly as I trotted to the street where I saw that tall building. It felt so bittersweet to take one last look at the surroundings before it would all come to and end soon. It felt so weird to think that these moments of taking it all in were the last moments of my very life as I knew it. But it had to be done. I was nothing but a burden on my parents and the rest of society and there was nothing that I could do to give back what I took from my community. The words "I am a waste of space" echoed through my mind as the apartment complex came into view.

It was the perfect plan, really. The building wasn't open yet so there'd be no chance of getting caught sneaking around the hallways plus at this hour, should I somehow survive the fall, nopony would be around to help me, if anypony would actually do that, that is. That way, I could ensure that I would die from this. Luck would have it that the front double door was unlocked too, so I took one final look back at my beloved hometown that I had let down so badly before I retreated into the building and began to climb the stairs to the top.

Finally, I reached the top of the building and slowly trotted out the door that lead down to the tenth floor. Very slowly, I trotted towards the side where the hard parking lot was and my heart started to pound like never before. Was I actually going to do this? I'm actually going to do this! A cold sweat began to pour down my face along with the tears and when I reached the edge and stared down at the pavement below, the words from earlier echoed through my mind as one final reminder of exactly why I was doing what I was about to do.

How can you even live with yourself yourselfyourself?...You do know that nopony wants you around here, right rightright?...You're dead to this town, you hear me hear mehear me!?...Why don't you just kill yourself? Seriously, nopony wants anything to do with you, you'd be better off dead deaddead...

I took a final couple of minutes to reminisce about the good times I had in the past as my whole life flashed before me. From the day I was born, to my first kiss, my graduating high school and the wonderful times with the friends I once had. Now, it was all gone along with the innocent colt I took from this world. This was it. I was actually about to do this. As I sobbed and cried the last of my guilty tears, I closed my eyes, tilted my head up and took a deep breath as I raised a hoof to step over the side and fall to my death.

"No! Please don't!" A sad sounding, weedy little voice said from behind me. "I never wanted this to happen! Please don't jump!"