Quoth The Wendigo

Chapters

Chapter Two: How Can I Help You?
Chapter Three: Hush Now
Chapter Four: Patchwork People
Decompression Slickness
Chapter One: A Certain Puzzle

Chapter Two: How Can I Help You?

Quoth The Wendigo

I really, truly tried to not watch Luna’s tail as she lead the way to the Dining Hall because it was probably something I wasn't supposed to do, but it was a magnificent thing to see, and when I thought I could get away with it, feel. It was like gossamer, finer than anything I’d ever felt before and was slightly cool to the touch. Luna’s head started to turn a few times and I snatched my hand back before she could get an eye on me, so I got away with it more often than not. God bless maintained reflexes, because I got caught the last time and Luna sent a kick my way that I’m pretty sure was a shin splitter. I’m all for pain when I inflict it, but having a horse buckin’ fuckin’ me up sounds bad. It just does.

We came to a door and Luna stood in front of it, looking at me expectantly. I gave her a smile and a wave. “Hi.”

She glared at me. “Open the door.”

“Don’t you have magic? Lazybones.”

She colored slightly and narrowed her eyes further. “I just found a ponane punishment for your insolence that you will hate.”

“Coolest of beans, my dude.” I replied.

“Red Rum. Open the door.”

“Ho~dor.”

Luna’s horn lit up and I felt myself begin to shrink, floating in empty air for a few seconds before I dropped to the ground. I looked at my hands and saw fresher versions of the callouses I’d gotten in middle school while working on my grandparent’s ranch. I worked on a lot of ranches, come to think of it. Shit sucked. Got to kill some cows though, so I’m proud of slaying my own dinner for once. Looking at my hands reminded me of that first piece of steak from Bartha, the cow my brother had foolishly named, and I remember that mother fucker being the juiciest, best fucking piece of meat in my life. I started writing names on all the ground beef we got out of Bartha for like, a week until Rob kicked my ass over it.

Good times.

“You made me thirteen?” I asked, my voice cracking like it had in the past.

She smirked. “If you open the door, I will restore your form.”

I looked at my hands again and looked back at Luna before sizing up a good bite and chomping down. She carried her triumphant smirk until the first blood-burp. The look on her face as she forced my mouth open with magic to heal my tongue was amusing at best and heart-wrenching at worst. I felt the tip of my tongue slide up my esophagus, which was weird because I swear that I could taste the licorice in my soul. After a quick reattachment, Luna looked down at me with tears in her eyes, though she tried to blink them away.

“O-Okay, we will do things your way for now, Red Rum.” She said softly.

I wiped the blood off of my mouth and worked my tongue around a bit. “I just want you to ask nicely.” I said, though I’m translating that from muddle-mouth. After another spell or something, Luna asked me to repeat myself, so I did.

“... You did not think to just say something?” Luna asked slowly, as if tasting the words to see if they were poisonous before eating them.

“You don’t seem to wanna hear anything I have to say.”

“That’s because all you do is spout nonsense!”

“It’s the only reason I talk. If I can’t make it fun or answer a question, then what am I doing with my time?”

“... So you nearly silenced yourself, sacrificing what you call ‘fun’, to make a point?”

“Eeyuss.”

Luna gave me a strange look. “What do you do for fun?”

“Try to make people laugh to make people give me weird looks.” I answered honestly.

“Is there anything else?” She asked tentatively.

I tilted my head at her. “There doesn’t really need to be.”

“... Red Rum, I do not understand.”

“Don’t understand what?”

She shook her head and tried to get the noodle loosey goosey. “What do you care about?”

“Being a positive influence in other people’s lives, to be honest about it. Just because I don’t give a shit doesn't mean that everyone thinks like me. It tickles my pride to know that I’ve made someone’s day.” I lied. I make myself think like that, but I can't really say I actually want much. I just didn't want Luna to cry for some odd reason, and I knew that telling her that I was completely void of fucks to give was going to get the water working.

“... So you help people, but you hurt yourself for no discernible reason?”

“Eeyuss.”

“... Let us just go eat breakfast.” Her horn lit up one more time and my skin felt a little moist for a little bit, which was weird, but then I started growing and that was interesting.

For the sake of skipping the boring and quick process of being lit on fire from the inside, I got my breath after Luna let me down from her levitation spell, which sucked. I gave her a shitty look for being a shit. “Ow.”

“Did that hurt?” She asked innocently.

“I’ll plug your asshole with two ping pong paddles.” I said blandly.

She blushed and rolled her eyes. “As uncomfortable as that would be-”

“I mean the paddles, not the handles.”

“... You are banned from playing ping pong.”

“You’re just mad that I’m a superior biped.”

“What does your nature as a biped have to do with anything, you utter foal?” Luna asked foolishly.

“Why, everyone knows that omnivores tend to be more intelligent that carnivores or herbivores. Natural omnivores, that is.” I gave her the dumbest look I could give a person. Pony. Whatevs.

I saw Luna walk away without saying anything, so I got up and followed her into the room, but I stopped about halfway in when I saw an even bigger thingy and it looked super squishable. I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at the big, white, plush creature and folded my hands in front of my mouth.

“Dibs” I murmured to myself.

The big thingy looked at me for all of two seconds before a light blue bubble was erected in front of me, saving me from a rather tasty looking golden fireball. Even as the fire met the shield, I couldn’t help but find distaste in the situation I found myself in. If the shield failed, I would die, which was good, but I’d die an ugly death, and I didn’t want that. I also didn’t like the fact that the fire splashed onto the bubble and didn’t dissipate, but I was even less fond of the rapidly rising temperature of the bubble. I tried to back away from the flames, but the bubble wasn’t all that big in the first place.

“Sister! This Wendigo is only a danger to himself, not to anypony!” Luna said loudly and quickly, probably for my sake.

“There is no such thing as a friendly Wendigo, Luna! They’re just furless bipedal savages!” Luna’s sister shouted. “Are you so blind as to forget ridding our lands of them!?”

“Celestia, listen to me! Red Rum is a lost soul in desperate need of care, guidance, and behavioral correction! He’s not dangerous to us!”

“If you have to kill me, do it with a laser and preferably aim for the center of my chest! It’s considerably more efficient!” I chimed in.

The fire quenched itself. “... It talks?” Celestia said. “Wendigos don’t… They screech and hiss snake-like words of a language nopony knew, but never did we manage to teach one to speak…”

“RAWR!” I tried, gnashing my teeth.

I heard a pop and got whacked by a rolled up newspaper. “Bad. Stop it.” Luna said.

I rubbed my head. “My feelings.”

“Luna, what is this creature?” The white one asked.

Luna dropped the shield around me and I started walking toward Celestia as she answered. “This creature calls itself a Hyumun, but I do not know of ‘America’, his homeland.”

“That country does not exist.” Celestia answer with finality.

Luna erected a wall of magic in front of me when she saw where I was going. “Red Rum, what are you doing?”

I pointed at Celestia. “Squishable as fuck. Lemme give her a hug.”

“No. Come.”

“I did that and it was nice and all, but I wanna hug her.”

“Red Rum, why do you want to hug me?” Celestia asked kindly, her voice carrying a matronly quality that was a far cry from the stern, ‘I’m gonna rip your innards out through your bunghole’ kind of vibe she’d had before.

“You look even softer than Luna.” I answered honestly.

She studied me for a little bit, so I gave her a minute smile, little more than a curving of my lips. Apparently she was content with what she found. “Come here then, and let me apologize for jumping to conclusions. You seem to be taking things rather well, if I may say so.”

“Sister!” Luna objected. “It is most inappropriate to be showing affection to a sapient Familiar!”

Celestia let me hug her as she answered Luna. “You said yourself that Red Rum needs care and ‘behavioral correction’. Hugging is good behavior that we should be encouraging within reason.” I’d let go a bit before she finished her sentence and had started walking back toward Luna.

When Celestia finished her sentence, I spun around and pointed at her. “Yes. What you said is important words that should be heard.”

She gave me a little smile. “You mean they are important words, dear.”

I stuck my tongue out at her and walked backward until I passed Luna. I then took the closest seat to her, which was easily five feet away, and moved it considerably closer. Luna teleported my chair away when I sat down, so I landed on my achy breaky coccyx and got back to business by moving the chair back to where I put it the first time. The moment I took my hands off of it, Luna teleported it away again.

“Sit over there.” She said irritably.

I looked at her for a bit and decided to try playing along with what she wanted to see if that would make her happy. I mean, I could probably win her trust and finally get a good chance to off myself soon enough. “Okay.”

Luna seemed surprised, but didn’t seem to want to jinx her luck, so she let me sit down in peace. “Red Rum, do you require protein for every meal, or just some?”

“I don’t need it for every meal as long as I eat enough in another.”

She nodded and Celestia made a curious noise. “An omnivorous, sapient Familiar? You most certainly are interesting, Red Rum.”

“Thank you, but you’re more huggable than I am interesting.” I bobbed my head from side to side.

“Why art thou kind to thine Mistress’ sister, but not thine Mistress herself!?” Luna cried.

I tilted my head at her. “You’ve made it clear that you’re my owner. I don’t like being owned. No one in their right mind likes being owned.”

“No one in their right mind tries to take their own life, but lo’ and behold!” Massa proclaimed.

“What.” Celestia said, her voice echoing in the medium sized, sparsely decorated room. It was weird since it didn’t seem that echoey.

“Yes! This loon tried to trick me into thinking he was a Wendigo so I would kill him after instinctually running from danger, tried to impale himself on my horn, and bit off his own tongue when I punished him for excessive disobedience! I cannot rid myself of him in good conscience for I doubt he will see the Sun the night of his release!” Luna reared back and flung her forehooves wide open in an impossible angle for a normal horse.

“... Have you tried being nice to him?” Celestia asked slowly.

“He rarely gives me a reason to be nice!” She snapped.

“Cute is a compliment.” I said.

“I am not cute!” Luna snapped with a bit more venom.

“Sister, you’re downright adorable.” Celestia teased. “However, Red Rum, you need to stop antagonizing Luna as I’m sure you’ve been doing.”

I pointed at Luna. “She’s enslaving me and forcing me to do things I don’t want to do. A normal person from my country would have her arrested, or since she has diplomatic immunity I’m sure, just kill her. I’m not exactly normal, but I don’t like the concept of a quadruped with strange powers and a penchant for meddling in my business to be in charge of me.”

Celestia’s muzzle formed a frown. “What is she forcing you to do?”

“Servant bullshit and live.”

“... It still strikes me as odd that you want to die for no discernible reason.” The white Pony said, though something struck me as a little off when she said that. I didn't doubt that she'd been suicidal before and was just putting up a front.

“Exactly!” Luna cried.

“Hmm… Red Rum, how would you feel about doing me a little favor?” Celestia asked.

“I would feel bored, but that’s not out of the norm.” I replied.

She gave me what I assumed was a kind smile since her tone was sweet. “Could you write me a journal of sorts? A collection of your thoughts and observations, perhaps?”

“Sure.”

“Excellent. What do you think your first entry would be?”

“I dunno. I guess it’d start from falling on my butt in Luna’s room.” I answered noncommittally.

“A fitting place to begin, I suppose. I do wonder why you’re not worried about being so far removed from all you know.” Luna asked, remorse and pity tinging her voice, but only slightly.

I looked at her and barked out a fake laugh. “It doesn’t matter where I go, I’m just here to die, babe. The sooner you let it happen, the sooner you don’t have to worry about me.”

The newspaper came back and Luna whacked me again. “Stop that.”

“If you keep treating me like a dog, I’ll start acting like one.”

“Luna, stop abusing your familiar. Red Rum, you’re not a slave, you’re a companion. The problem is that you seem to care so little about anything, and Luna isn’t the most compassionate mare on Equus. We need to find a way to make you two meet in the middle before something terrible happens.” Celestia said. “Luna, from now on, if you want Red Rum to do something, I’m sure he’ll be far more inclined to do it if you ask instead of order. Red Rum, please try to be receptive to our help. We can help you find happiness-”

“I’m good. You have to have sadness to have happiness, and I’ve had enough sadness, but I’ll do the thing if Lulu asks nicely.” I replied casually.

Luna passed me a weary glare. “Please stop annoying me.”

“I don’t try. Making you cum was an accident.” I commented.

Celestia did a spit-take and gave me a spitakke from like, over ten feet away. It was ridiculous. “Excuse me.” She said politely, drying her mouth.

Luna gave her an odd look. “Red Rum has not made me go anywhere today.”

“That’s not what he meant, Luna. It’s really not.” Celestia sighed. “Red Rum-”

“You can call me Remmy or Rummy if you want.”

“Remmy then. Don’t violate my sister.” She said icily.

“I didn’t know that making her blush cover her body would do that.”

“We agreed not to talk about it!” Luna cried, her face lighting up.

“You ordered me not to talk about it. At least I didn’t embarrass you in front of your guards.” I said in a conciliatory tone.

She glared at me. “So quick to forget your own nonsense?”

“Yes.” I gave her a smile.

Celestia chuckled. “It sounds like you’ll have your hooves full with this one, Sister. Tell me, were you planning on letting Remmy sleep in your room?”

“T’would be convenient, but I believe that there are those who would assume that I was doing unsavory things with him.” Luna said drily. “I doubt he would allay though suspicions should he be questioned about them.”

Celestia looked at me. “Well? Would you?”

“ Do unsavor- No, I'm not going to piss her off. Anyway, to answer what I think you actually meant, it depends on if Luna’s around to defend herself. If she’s not, then it’s no fun.” I answered, trying to put my twenty-six years of wisdom into my voice.

“So you would rather be present for my suffering and humiliation?” Luna scoffed.

“I wasn’t aware that I was something to be ashamed of yet, though it’s nice to have the extra reminder as to where we stand.” I let a little grin play on my lips while Luna’s ears flicked.

“If you would act as a proper Familiar should, I wouldn’t have to be embarrassed of you.” Luna sniffed.

“How would you feel if someone made you into a Familiar?” I asked.

She narrowed her eyes at me. “You could not seriously be comparing the pride of a Princess to a commoner.”

“I’m comparing the pride of a Princess to the pride of a born and bred American. You fall flat in comparison.” I lifted my chin and looked down my nose at her for extra ‘Go fuck yourself.’.

“I can make you eat from the floor.” Luna warned.

“I’ll turn you red again.” I countered.

She got a headstart on that for me. “I-If you purposefully incite such an incident again, I will muzzle you!”

A bell sounded and servants started bringing food into the room. “And I believe it is time for that conversation to finish.” Celestia announced.

I shrugged it off and focused on the food that was quickly filling the table. Once everything was where it was supposed to be, I got up and collected a few things that I didn’t mind eating and ate them, but when I finished, Luna asked, “You could not possibly be satisfied with two pieces of fruit and a biscuit.”

“I’d prefer it if that biscuit had gravy, but I don’t really eat much. I just eat often.” I answered.

“Then collect snacks for later. I will not be bothered to guide you to the kitchens.” Luna sniffed.

“Sister, I understand that you are frustrated with Red Rum, so why don’t we have a servant show him to a room in your wing since he’s finished with breakfast?” Celestia looked to me. “How does that sound to you, Remmy? Are you weary at all?”

I smiled. “Always. Point me in the right direction.”

Nobody did any pointing, but I was teleported into a room that was rather lavish, and for the third time since I’d killed myself, I fell on my ass, but this time there was a bed underneath it. With that all said and done, I looked around and found the various shades of blue and purple in the room to be to my liking, but when I got up and started looking around for stuff, I found a bathroom with a shower slash tub combo that seemed to be a weird fusion of old fashioned and new school tech. Without anything else to do, I got washed up and went to sleep.

Quoth The Sun

Celestia recognized Luna’s frustrations for what they were and voiced her opinion on the matter once Remmy was out of the room. “Sister, you’re expecting a being not unlike your average stallion to simply be fine with becoming a pet. Red Rum was not born one of our subjects, nor does he even seem to be from this world, so it’s no surprise that he doesn’t listen to your commands.”

Luna made a face. “... Tis easy to forget that there are beings we cannot order around so casually, but our will is better for Red Rum than his own! The minor tasks I ask of him are comparatively nothing to the promise of a better life!”

“... You truly don’t understand where he’s coming from?” Celestia asked dubiously.

The Princess of the Night narrowed her eyes. “You speak as if you do.”

“I’m more surprised that you don’t know the feeling of being so incredibly sad that being dead seems better than living for another day.” Celestia replied. “However, you always did have more willpower than I did.”

Luna gave her a look. “You ran Equestria for a millenium while alone.”

“And you never thought of death as an escape, even at your loneliest point.” Celestia replied kindly. “I do find you admirable for that.”

The blue one blushed gently and her sister knew she’d scored a point. “Be that as it may, I do believe I will require your assistance for handling Red Rum.”

“And you will have it as you need it. I sense a kind soul in Red Rum, though it’s hard to see past the general aura of flippancy.” Celestia mused.

“If that creature is some manner of kind, I will take a bite out of my crown.” Luna grumbled.

“What was that?” Her sister asked, not having heard the muttered words.

“Hateful words that bear no repetition.” Luna sighed. “Honestly, Celestia, I have no idea how I am supposed to make Red Rum enjoy life without knowing much of what modern ponies like, and him being from a different planet does me no favors, so what am I supposed to do?”

“Have you tried giving him a hug?”

Celestia received a deadpan look for her words. “Why would I let him put his paws on me?”

“... Why are you so against it? You love the Dogs in the Night Guard for their paws since they’re so novel.”

Luna glared at her. “His paws are different! They’re-”

“Considerably softer and generally just an improvement over Dog paws or blunted Naga claws for that matter. Remmy ran his fingers through my mane for a moment and it was actually quite nice.” Celestia informed informatively to inform her sister of the information.

“... You are weird.” Luna declared.

Celestia rolled her eyes. “For the love of Solaire, Luna, you’re being ridiculous. It’s just furbonding with your Familiar. I doubt he can even help wanting to be close to you with the settings I put into the cube.”

“Which was a dirty trick that’s turned into one of the most intense headaches I have had since my return.” Luna growled.

“Are you just going to ignore the fact that there’s a being who would rather be your friend than your Familiar or your servant? Even if Remmy doesn’t do what you tell him to, you’ve got to admit that he’s amusing, and we rarely have an opportunity to make friends that aren't beholden to us in some way.”

“Why would I want a friend that does nothing but vex me!? He is little more than a verbal menace!”

“That’s because you need to be nicer to him! You tend to be fairly disrespectful when you’re giving orders.” Celestia said kindly.

“Oh, you bleeding heart.” Luna shot back irritably. “When does kindness become toxic, Celestia? I do not doubt that this creature will either act as if he is getting better in order to gain an opportunity to die, or he will attempt to trample our generosity. I will not abide by either.”

“You know he only ate so little because he didn’t want to owe us anything, correct?” Celestia countered sharply. “He thought that a meager meal would be easier to pay off.”

“You read his mind? That is illegal, sister!” Luna gasped

Celestia nodded. “So do you want to know what else I found so you don’t feel as though he’s just some fool that hates you?”

The blue one nodded curtly. “Do tell.”

“For one, his mind is well defended, but I was able to skim a few errant thoughts that were floating around and learned that he has the intense desire to pet you.” The Solar Diarch announced.

“No.” Luna replied flatly.

“He thinks of us as plush dolls that talk.”

“Wow.”

“The best chance you have of getting him to have a positive emotion is-”

“Not happening.” Luna deadpanned.

“He’s your Familiar.” Celestia argued.

“I thought he was practically a stallion?” Luna countered.

“You’re insistent on calling him your Familiar, so why won’t you treat him as an intelligent one? Besides ripping him from his home and forcing him to live, which he has made very apparent that he hates, I don’t think you’ve had time to give Red Rum a reason to listen to you in the first place, Woona.” Celestia played with dirty tactics, using her big sister voice.

“Shut up.” Luna said flatly.

“I’ll stain you pink again if you don’t hug Remmy.” The elder of the two promised.

“... I suppose I could let him sleep at the foot of my bed instead…?” Luna tried.

Celestia gave her a look. “If you were dealing with a depressed Pony, you would hug them.”

“I do not want him to touch me, Celestia.” Luna said firmly.

“Luna, Wendigos have been unheard of in anything other than legends for nearly two and a half thousand years, and Red Rum only looks kind of like one. Granted that I'm guilty of jumping to conclusions before being fully aware of his appearance, he lacks the razor sharp teeth, the claws, and his socks were too cute to be hiding… Feet.” She shuddered.

“... They were worse than the Windigos, Celestia. Their touch was-” Luna shivered, shaking her head to clear it of the thought. “How you can bear to let him put his paws on you is beyond me, but I do not desire it.”

“Then ask him politely not to touch you and give him a hug.” Celestia tried.

Luna had a brilliant idea. “We should make this a test for Twilight and her friends! Rehabilitating this crazy creature would be the perfect challenge for them!”

Her big sister gave her a disappointed look. “Get over your fear and hug your poor Familiar, dammit.”

“But Cel~ly!” Luna whined.

“No buts, Luna! You agreed to take care of him when you didn’t send him back, so take responsibility for your new husband and-”

“Oh, shut up.” Luna snapped. “I will hug him if you quit your henpecking.”

Celestia beamed. “Was that so hard?”

Luna rolled her eyes. “I’m going to bed. Have a good day, you oversized filly.”

Celestia smiled. “Good morning, Lulu. Sweet dreams.”

Celestia watched as her sister teleported away and couldn't help but frown. Her new familiar was worrisome to say the least, but Remmy didn’t seem to be terribly dangerous to anything other than himself so far. Celestia resolved to take a piece of her consciousness and walk in his dreams for a bit so she could see what he was thinking about in his sleep, if his species even dreamed at all. Out of all the races, Ponies were the only ones who regularly dream, and that’s only because of Luna, but Celestia had a feeling that the Wendigo-look-alike had more to him than either of them knew.

After setting her body on Princess Mode to run her errands, Celestia opened her mind’s eye and cast its gaze about the castle, her awareness seeping through the halls, walls, and floors in the fastest route to her target. From her earlier taste of Red Rum’s consciousness, she tailored her approach to a more delicate intrusion, rather than the quick and dirty invasion that she generally had to use for the extra-Pony races. If she was nice about it, the process didn’t leave the… target, with much more than a headache that a subsequent spell could whisk away with little to no effort, but there was always the chance of Celestia deciding that someone’s brain was more of a welcome mat specifically made for rainy days.

The tendril of Celestia’s mind reached out for Red Rum’s husk and glided through it, entering the void of slumber. For the first time in a dozen centuries, Celestia felt the lure of someone else’s dreamless existence, which scared her enough to keep her awake. The last being that had nearly pulled her under the somnal current was a strange one that she’d only ever met one of, though it somewhat resembled both Ponies and whatever it was that Red Rum said he was. For the millionth time, Celestia inwardly rolled her eyes at the stupid palindrome and wondered if Luna was actually going to let him kill something before she just let Big Sis take care of business, though she still couldn't shake the feeling that Remmy wasn't exactly out to hurt her little Ponies. After all, his first reaction to seeing her had been to give her affection, and Celestia knew from her quick jaunt through his mind that he regretted letting go at an appropriate time and not holding on longer, citing his status as an alien as a good reason to not let go.

At the thought of business (And after thinking about the hug. It was a rather nice hug, after all.), Celestia got back to the task at hand, the mindscape making her a little more susceptible to being scatterbrained. Random, seemingly baseless thoughts often flitted about, but Celestia finally realized that there seemed to be fewer of the interruptions than normal. As she started paying attention, she came to realize that some of the thoughts were coalescing to look at her with colored eyes, though each of the amorphous, swirling spouts of smoke and vapor were of little danger to her. The Princess was surprised to find that, for one, Red Rum had a Tulpa, and two, that it wasn’t either desperately trying to kill her or begging to lick her hooves for a spoonful of help.

Celestia looked at the manifestations and frowned. “If you’re not going to show me your true form, then I don’t believe we have business.”

“I can’t show you what I don’t have. Why don’t you start doing jazz hands, huh?” The Tulpa sniped, it’s voice rather androgynous, though it had a slightly feminine lilt to it. Celestia assumed it was a tomcolt.

She looked at the offending vortex. “So Red Rum isn’t aware of you?”

“Wish he was. I don’t know if he’d care, but I’m not that into the whole dying thing, y’know? Like, this dude is nuts, and I just want to sit back and watch him mess with people! Is it so much to ask for my main source of entertainment to not try and killboth of us?”

“Apparently, but I’ll definitely let Red Rum know that a life is tied to his…” Celestia trailed off, her inner politician shining through.

The miniature tornados gathered together, though they didn’t make the main body any larger. “I may have been born at night, and it may have been last night, but I can’t really just let you rape this guy’s mind, Chicorita.”

“My name is Celestia, and I do not mindrape.” She said, enunciating carefully. “I was merely looking to asking you some questions.”

“Ah. Ask away.” The Tulpa said agreeably.

Celestia nodded. “My first question ref-”

“WHORE-NAH!”

“... ‘Or nah’?”

The unidentified thing chuckled. “I’m fuckin’ with ya, go on, go on.”

Celestia gave it a look. “It won’t hurt Red Rum if I kill you.”

“... These are the moments where I hide.” It faded away quickly, leaving no outward trace of itself, though Celestia knew it was watching.

It really didn’t matter.

The Tulpa was snatched from its multiple hiding places and was forced to face Celestia in a singular humanoid form. “Hello, Tulpa. It’s so good to see you again.”

“Wish I could say the same, but I think you’re gonna kill me.” It said worriedly.

“Are you going to give me a reason to?”

“... I’m not gonna be able to stop you from doing jack shit, am I?”

“I assume that means you think you’re powerless against me, and if that’s true, then you would be correct.”

“Great.”

“Indeed. Now you say that you were born last night?” Celestia asked.

“... So the longer I talk, the longer I live?”

“That would seem to be what I’m implying. Do a lot of talking and promise not to do Red Rum any harm and we’ll be the best of friends.” Celestia gave it a charming smile.

“Cool beans.” It droned.

“Be nice and tell me what Red Rum’s real name is.”’

“I dunno.”

“... You don’t know your host’s name?” She asked, not believing it for a second.

“... I dunno what you want from me, but this? This place right here?” It swung its smoky arms out wide. “This is where I stay. The random blurbs, trains of thought, fleeting memories; here. I don’t go into the places where stuff like his actual memories and subconscious are because that shit’s scary.”

Celestia frowned, not liking the truthful ring of the Tulpa’s words. Beings with multiple levels, that being more than the Conscious and Subconscious, usually meant that the being had a propensity for hiding their true nature, even to themselves. “... What lies deeper within?”

“The only thing I know for sure is that Remmy is all sorts of looney, dude. I don’t get a hostile vibe from him, and I saw a few of his memories and he’s generally pretty nice to people who are nice to him. I’m sure you could just ask him anything you want to know and use a truth spell or something. This whole ‘mindrape’ thing is pretty impolite. Like, you just kinda walked into my home and-”

“Be quiet. How much do you know of Red Rum?” Celestia asked foolishly.

“How much does Luna know of him, Celly? This guy’s a wildcard, and I’m not exactly trying to dive to any level deeper than I can get to easily.”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Do you have a name, Tulpa?”

The mental construct reached into the ether and started pulling letters from thoughts until it had something good. “How about Yuffie? I think Remmy has fond memories of that name.” Yuffie said.

“Yuffie then. Do you know where this name came from.”

It shrugged. “I’m pretty sure it was from a weird game. Anything other than that is beyond me.”

“Come. We will discover more together.” Celestia declared.

“Ah… Uh… Can we not? Please?” The Tulpa asked, sounding more effeminate as it sounded more desperate.

“Tulpas are dangerous to leave unchecked.” Celestia implicated heavily.

The Tulpa hugged itself. “... You don’t have to relive the memories, Celestia. I… Please don’t make me go back.” Yuffie begged. “I know you’re really into it and all and I get that, I really do, but I-I can’t go back…”

The Solar Diarch approached her after deciding on her pronouns. “Yuffie, what have you seen?”

Yuffie started shrinking, her form dissipating as she tried to collect herself. “... Do you know what drugs are?”

“Of course. There are few enough of them in Equestria, but they exist.” Celestia said, her tone mollifying and warm. “Was Red Rum a former addict?”

“No… He doesn’t remember what happened before the noose got cut, but… He took a lot of different drugs. Even if he didn’t hang himself, he would have overdosed or his heart would have exploded. Remmy was as good as dead, and then he shot himself. I…” Yuffie disappear completely, hiding on another level of Red Rum’s consciousness.

“Yuffie?” Celestia called out, unable to sense the Tulpa in the current level. “... What in Tartarus is going on with this colt?” She thought for a moment. "Boy, I suppose. Not that it matters." She sighed, the mindscape dragging her attention away from her task for a moment.

Celestia shook her head and dived deeper, skipping over the level that the Tulpa was hiding on and heading down as far as she could go without disturbing Red Rum’s slumber, but she wasn’t expecting the inner working of someone who seemed so calm at all times to have such a catastrophe in motion inside. She shieded herself from unimportant memories and began her digging, rewinding the clock back a year for starters until she could start narrowing the possibilities down.

Quoth The Wendigo

I woke up as refreshed as I usually get and stretched on the spacious bed that had been loaned to me for the day. Instead of doing nothing, I decided to get out and about to go and see what the do does as it goes along, desp[ite wanting to go back to sleep until Luna came to make me do something. After exiting my room, I started wandering around the Castle aimlessly since the Sun was still in the sky, but by the time I was good and lost, I was feeling a bit better about the prospect of being enslaved to a blue Pony Princess with boundaries that I fully planned on pushing more often than not. It just seemed like such a fun thing to make her life suck since she was making mine suck by forcing me to live, so I figured that a little tit for tat would be fair. Still, it was awfully hard to bother her while in the empty halls of the castle while being completely lost, so I found another empty room and entered it because no one had told me not to.

I saw Ponies having sex for the first time when I did that, and I had to say that it was odd that I could compare the length of my meat overall to the length that the one fellow was endowed with. I’m not gay or into bestiality, but since these were sentient Ponies that could talk and had emotions, it felt less like watching a nature documentary and more like being a voyeur in a place where I would probably get trampled for saying anything about what I saw. I watched as there white stallion bucked into the similarly white mare and hoped that their coats didn’t mean that they were related for a little while.

“Oh dear Celestia, Clean Streak! Buck me harder Daddy!” The mare cried passionately.

“You like that Rosy Cheeks? I can give you a little more.” Clean Streak growled sensually.

I didn’t notice anything, but apparently it got better for Rosy because she said, “Ooh~ Mmm~ Just like that, Streaky! Keep bucking me like I’m your bad little filly!”

“Buck me, Rosy! Your flank is so tight~!” ‘Streaky’ replied.

I took a moment to consider the intimacy of the situation and asked myself how amusing it was that Ponies had the same dirty-talk as people and found it absolutely titillating for all of one second before the boredom came back. Then Streaky said, “Rosy! I’m getting close!”

“Buck it deep into my flank, Clean Streak! Fill me all the way up you stud!”

“Fill her up! Fill her up! Fill her up!” I chanted.

They froze and both of them pulled a Luna and turned bright red, their formerly white coats becoming crimson in the span of like, three seconds before Rosy make some lady love juice and Streaky blew his load, the mixture of their juices falling to the floor in splatters. Streaky craned his neck around to look at me and Rosy stared straight ahead awkwardly like she’d just been caught having sex on the job.

“... So… How long ya been there buddy?” Clean Streak asked, his body still scarlet.

I gave him my creepiest, warmest smile. “Buck me harder Daddy!”

More Pony Juice splattered on the floor.

“... How many bits is it gonna take for you to forget this?” The stallion asked.

“The mental scarring will never go away, but twenty bits will make the healing process speed up.” I said cheerfully.

Clean Streak flinched because my version of cheer comes off as fake, even when I put a little effort into it. “... Only twenty?”

“If you’d like to give me ten more for not spanking you while you didn’t notice I was here, that would be a nice bonus.”

“... Fifty bits for your silence?”

“I only asked for thirty?” I gave him an amused smile.

“Eh-heh heh… Heh. A hundred?” He asked weakly.

“Deal!” I said before he could bankrupt himself. “A hundred bits to not remember the two ponies I found cleaning a room and doing nothing else. Sounds good to me.”

Clean Streak sighed because he was probably about to get fired, but I didn’t go anywhere. “... Are you going to keep standing there?”

“It smells like roses and bleach in here.” I commented casually.

More Pony Juice hit the floor.

“At this rate, you two are actually going to have to do some cleaning.”

Add in a little more.

“What does Rosy’s pussy feel like?” I asked for the purpose of being an asshole.

Another cupful splattered. They were just making a shameful, smelly mess. Not that I was helping.

Rosy started and scrambled out from underneath Clean Streak before gaping at me. “... What are you?”

“About eight inches long if you’re interested.” I answered blithely.

Even more Pony Juice hit the floor. It was great.

“... Do you want some kind of favor on top of a bribe?” Rosy asked nervously.

“When you’re not post-coitus, can I pet your mane? Luna doesn’t let me pet her mane. Or her coat for that matter. I think that woman has issues.” I commented casually.

“Um… Let me bathe and that’s a yes, I guess. As long as that’s all you want.” Rosy answered.

I fistpumped. “Yes! Finally! A Pony willing to let me pet them! I’ll go away now, but I’ll probably be in Night Court all night if you wanna find me.” I gave them a smile.

They smiled back awkwardly and Clean Streak said, “I-I-I’ll get your bits to you as soon as possible…? What’s your name?”

“Red Rum. It’s nice to meet you, Clean Streak, Rosy Cheeks. I hope we become friends after this!” I waved as I fucked off and closed the door behind me to wander around the same hall for a while.

I eventually found another couple of people to bother in the form of two guards who were guarding a door that I wasn’t allowed in for some reason. It was up a big ass tower that had taken me an hour to climb because I stopped to see the sights from every level, but still. The guards wouldn’t let me into the room with the big golden sun on the double door, so I decided to have a little fun with them since they were the stoic kinds of fellows. Their armor looked hot and heavy compared to the night shift guards’ stuff, but I didn’t doubt that the Ponies could move just fine with whether or not they were wearing the cumbersome-looking gear.

After a brief conversation that ended with me getting no information as to where I was, or even a reply for that matter, I walked up to the guard on the left. “Hey.” The Pony stared straight ahead, so I booped it. “Hey Mr. Guard.” He glared at me so I reached down and scratched his ear. “Who’s the cutest little Pony on this side of the castle? Is it you?”

His partner snickered just a little too loudly and attracted my attention. When I looked over to him, he jerked his head back to looking straight forward, but the damage was already done. “Do you think that’s funny, other less-cute Pony? I’m glad you accept that you’re ugly and unloveable to anyone but me.”

I caught a hoof to the stomach from the Pony whose ear I was scratching for that one and they both looked like they were done dealing with my shit, so I decided to make them deal with Anon’s bullshit, not just Red Rum’s. Red Rum might be me, but Anon is more me and it’s twenty-eight percent more infuriating. I took a moment to decide how bad I was going to piss them off for his treachery and decided on ‘Foaming at the Mouth, Tight at the Anus’ kinda pissed. I didn’t even stumble after catching the hoof to the stomach, so all I had to do to enact my vengeance was juke to right of the guard in front of me and hop on his back.

That was a bad idea on my part.

“YYYEERRRKK! NAAAY-HEY-HEY!” The poor guard screeched, bucking like mad in an effort to dislodge me. I learned that the guy was a girl in the process, which was nice.

I held onto his neck for dear life as my poor tender bits got smashed against the hard bronze armor covering her back time and time again, but once I wrapped my legs around her barrel and seized a handful of her mane, I started having a much better time. “We~e! Wo~o! Ride'em doge-ie!”

Her partner tried to tackle me off of his back a time or two, but the poor gal I was riding was freaking out so hard that it didn’t really matter since she didn’t stay in one place too long, so instead of riding her to exhaustion, I unwrapped my legs and hopped off of her at a decent moment that didn’t leave me with broken ankles and ran into the room they were supposed to be guarding. It was probably a really nice room, but I wasn’t terribly focused on what the decor was like since I had two pissed off Ponies on my tail for a crime I most certainly did commit, but I just had to dig the hole as deep as I possibly could.

“All hail the two-leg superior! Humans rule, ponies drool! Gorgonzola, don’t eat that nurple!” I tried to think of other ludicrous things to say as I zig-zagged towards the big, luxurious canopy bed that lie near the far side of the room, and when I reached it, I jumped on top and and spun around, catching my pursuers by surprise.

“Stop!” I shouted. “The bed is home base! No tagsies or tricksies at base!” I declared boldly.

The guards looked at me with absolute confusion in their eyes and one of them spoke up. “... You think this is a game?”

“Of course it’s a game! The winner gets two hugs and the losers have to stand around and watch a door all day.” I gave them a big, empty smile.

They looked at each other and back to me. The mare who’d spoken before spoke again. “If we give you hugs, will you get out of here?”

I blinked and observed the reasonable offer for what it was. “... Can you get Luna to hug me?”

They looked at each other again and I learned that they were both mares. “Um, guy? I don’t think Luna hugs anypony other than Celestia.”

“Can I pretend that one of you are Luna and the other one is Celestia?” I sat down on the bed and put my feet together, holding them in place needlessly with my hands.

“Sweetie, how old are you?” The first mare asked.

“Old enough to know that I’m being silly, but young enough to still want love and affection.” I lied.

“You’re not being silly, you’re trespassing in Celestia’s room, and if we get-” The second mare started as a flash of light blinded us for a second. "Shit." She breathed.

Celestia appeared on the bed beside me and gave me a long smile because her face was longer than her guards' own features. “Hello, Remmy.”

I wrapped an arm around her and scooted closer. “Celestia! Are you busy?”

“Day Court just concluded. I figured it was you intruding in my personal chambers.” She said amusedly.

“In fairness, I didn't know it was your room for sure until one of your nice guard ladies told me. They offered me hugs to leave!” I said, feigning cheer and joy.

“Were you going to accept them and stay?”

“No, I was going to leave if they let me pretend that they were you and Luna though.”

“Why would you want them to pretend to be myself and Luna?”

“Because I like you, even if you give me a bad feeling every once in a while, and I have a Luna shaped doll in my void that I can’t reach out and hug like I want to.”

Celestia hummed. “I’ve been trying to get Luna to warm up to the idea of hugging you, but I think it might be a little while. You can have a hug from me whenever you’re on your best behavior, however.”

“My best behavior isn’t fun.” I grumbled.

“Light Stride, Canter Cart, what was Red Rum doing to distract you enough to gain entry to my room?” Celestia asked calmly, her voice not betraying any possible consequences.

They both gulped and the second mare answered with, “H-He called me the cutest pony in the castle, called Light the ugliest and most unloveable one in the castle, and then he hopped on my back like- Er… Well, I don’t think anypony rides ponies like he rode me…” She shivered.

I gave her a wink. “We can try another kind of riding if you’re up for it.”

Celestia whapped me with one of her wings. “Remmy, don’t sexually harass my guards. Save that for Luna.”

The guards’ jaws dropped as I huffed. “I’ll ride Luna and see how she feels about it.”

Celestia’s head turned slightly and she cast an amused eye towards me. “She’ll teleport you off of her. I trust that it won’t be that interesting for you, but you could always make a comment about blueberry pie.”

“Does she taste like blueberry pie?”

“Remmy, stop talking and go to the Dining Hall.” Celestia chuckled.

“I’m really lost.” I admitted.

“Would you like to walk with me?” She asked kindly.

“Please? And can I touch your mane while we walk?”

“Are your paws clean?”

“I washed them earlier, but that was before I got good and lost. I don’t think I’ve touched anything icky since then.”

“Show me.” Celestia commanded without a real edge to her voice. I say command, but it was more like a firm request. Either way, I exhibited my digits for her and she nodded. “Perfectly spotless. You may touch my mane as you please.”

I ran my fingers through her silky, satiny locks and hummed. “Fly little blackbird sing your song, fly little blackbird now come along. Fly little blackbird and find your seeds, fly little blackbird and fill your needs.” I sang quietly.

“Stride, Cart, you’re dismissed.” Celestia said quietly as I carried my impromptu tune along.

We got to moving shortly after that and I came up with a few more verses that were all sweet and pleasant to hear, and when I started over, Celestia sang along with me. After we got through the first verse, the one that’s listed above, we sang, “Fly little bluebird and blend with the sky. Fly little bluebird and let me catch your eye. Fly little bluebird chirp chirp chirp. Fly little bluebird before the cat burps. Land little blackbird and come see me. Land little bluebird and let us be three. Join me little birdies and come to the feast. Join me little birdies before I head east. Let us be together for one more day. Let us be together until the bonds fray. Never will we part in the center of the mind. Never let us part until the end we all find. Even through the end, we won’t be apart. Even through the end, you’re both in my heart.”

We sang the song a few times until Celestia asked, “Is that song yours, or does it come from somewhere else?”

“My Dad’s favorite color was black and my Mom loved blue. The song is mine, but I guess there’s more to it than I really considered.” I said, wiping away another set of tears.

“Your parents are both gone?”

“Even if they weren’t, I still wouldn’t be able to see them. It doesn’t make me sad anymore, so I don’t know why my eyes are leaking.” I said stubbornly. I admit that it probably still hurt somewhere down deep since I never really dealt with their passing, but it was more of an annoyance than anything else at this point and future points in my life. I was a little more annoyed that the song had elements of deeper thoughts and fragments of emotional memories that I often spurned, but it didn't sour my day anymore than being alive.

“Maybe you’ve just shut your mind off from your heart? The body was always the most honest thing about anyone. You can lie and have your mind prepared for any possible questions that may come, but your body will betray you naturally.” Celestia said, her voice ringing with wisdom befitting of a Princess that’s a lot more like a Queen than the other thing.

“Your probably right, but I don’t want to be in touch with my heart. I already don’t wanna deal with life as is. Adding emotions to the mix is just gonna make it worse.”

Celestia altered her path so that she was walking a little closer to me. “I don’t believe you’ll have that opinion forever, and when you’re ready to open your heart again, you can trust that I’ll be with you whenever you call. I promise you that, my friend.”

“I thought Familiars weren’t-”

“I don’t care what the end of that sentence is, if it’s coming from what Luna’s told you, then it’s wrong. You’re a special case, Remmy. You’re obviously more intelligent than most Familiars, and you’re definitely too special to treat as any kind of common pet. My Familiar, Philomena, is as intelligent as you or I, but she lacks a certain spark that we have; that all sentient, sapient creatures have. Where Philomena would rather have a mate or her favorite snack, we would choose to procrastinate on eating in order to finish a nonessential task or teach someone that isn’t one of our offspring how to perform a trick or duty. It’s a matter of a word called ‘Philapathy’, which is the order of morality, compassion, and logical thought that the sapient races hold above animals. You and I possess different forms of Philapathy that Philomena, as smart as she is, just cannot.”

I looked at Celestia and poked her neck. “Well thank you for saying that I deserve to be treated as an equal in being if not status. That’s rather reasonable of you.”

Celestia gave me a little smile. “You stopped running your digits through my mane.”

“My paws are called ‘hands’ and my digits are normally called ‘fingers’, if the information means anything to you.”

“Your fingers feel rather nice.”

“Your mane feels a lot better than my fingers do to me. It’s like running my hand through warm air that kinda sorta has substance to it, but it’s even better than that sounds.”

“Hooves aren’t terribly sensitive, so I can’t imagine what that would feel like.” Celestia chuckled.

“Maybe you could work some magic and turn yourself into a Human long enough to feel your own… Well, it’d be hair at that point, but I could tell you if it felt the same.”

“Hmm… Transmogrification is one of my specialties, after all.” Celestia mused. “We could try it with Luna’s permission some time. A shape-swap, that is. It would be easier than just trying to copy your form.”

“Ooh, being a Pony sounds interesting. I’m willing to bet that your sense of smell and eyesight are different enough from mine that it’d be super cool to give it a shot.”

Celestia bumped me and giggled. “Maybe we could turn you into a mare?”

I would’ve shoved her if I wasn’t sure that she could’ve knocked me over with minimal effort. As it was, I just pinched her and got an ‘Ep!’, not an ‘Eep!’. “I’d only want to be a girl if I got to touch myself for as long as I wanted. Like, I’d rather be a Human for that so I could finger myself to be honest with you.”

Celestia broke out into little giggles. “It seems like someone doesn’t have much of a filter. Why would you rather take care of yourself than find someone to have a little fling with?”

“I don’t like the idea of being penetrated again. I had a boyfriend in highschool and we gave it a shot, but that was the end of my bisexuality.”

“Oh, so you’ve tried both sexes?”

“Yup. I like new experiences. Like riding Ponies.” I gave Celestia a shit-eating grin.

She gave me a look. “Please don’t ride my staff.”

We stopped walking at the same time and Celestia gave me the flattest look I think a Pony can give while I gave her a smile. “Can I stroke your staff?”

“If they say you can.” She deadpanned.

“Can I lick your staff?”

“Why do you want to taste my staff?” She asked, her face not betraying anything.

I winked at her. “Your staff seems like the tastiest around.”

“My staff is also the most substantial, though I think you’d prefer to try Luna’s.”

“I think I’d have more fun bouncing on your staff than Luna’s. Hers seems slimmer.”

Celestia narrowed her eyes at me. “Are you calling my staff fat?”

“I’m calling your staff juicy and appetizing.”

We didn’t say anything for a few seconds and Celestia started giggling. “Okay, I’m beginning to wish that I’d summoned you instead of Luna.”

“At least you treat me well.”

“Luna will treat you better as she gets more familiar with you.” Celestia said as she started walking again. “You’ve just got to give her a little time.”

“I wish you two would just let me go, but at least it’s been fun so far.”

“When you’re not sick anymore, we’ll see about sending you home.”

“But I’m not sick?”

Celestia gave me a look and another little smile. “You don’t think you’re unwell?”

“If you’re calling me crazy, then I resemble that statement.”

“Don’t you mean ‘resent’?”

“No, I’m not normal. I understand that.”

“As long as you’re not deluding yourself anymore than you already are.”

“Hmm? How am I deluding myself?” I asked interestedly.

“You think that your life isn’t worth seeing through to the end. You’re fooling yourself into believing that death is preferable to the joys that life will doubtlessly bring you.” Celestia said, her words carrying the weight of a woman far, far older than a normal horse would live.

“How old are you, Celestia?” I asked because of the thing I just said. Catching the weight her words carried reminded me of listening to Shifu Song speak his own wisdom and some that came from Ip Man. On a side note, Shifu knew Jeet Kune Do and could teach it just fine, it's just that he didn't like giving people offensive skills, which I respected until it got one of our students killed.

“Don’t you know it’s rude to ask a mare her age?” Celestia asked, just like any other old woman.

“No. I know it’s rude to walk around naked though.”

“That’s normal, but I’m four thousand, two hundred, and around thirty or forty years old. The calendar has changed since I’ve been on the throne, so I have trouble counting the decades sometimes.” Celestia answered.

I let my hand rest on her neck. “Is that true?”

“My forgetfulness or my age?”

“Yes.”

“Then yes.”

“I’d ask which one you’re saying yes to, but they both correlate.”

“Right.” Celestia’s horn lit up and I was confused for a moment, but then I had the odd feeling of being compressed like I was being surrounded by mattresses that were awfully thick. It was a decent feeling, but then I started spinning and that made my stomach churn for a few seconds until the sensations ceased just as suddenly as they’d come.

Teleporting kind of sucks.

Celestia and I appeared in the Dining Hall and Luna seemed a little surprised to see that I was with her sister when we showed up. “Celestia? I was wondering why you were tardy to our meal.”

“That was my fault. I found her room and wanted to go inside.” I confessed.

It took a second, but I got whacked with a newspaper again. “Bad. Don’t trespass into places you have no right to be.”

“Luna, stop hitting Remmy for little things.” Celestia chastised. “He didn’t make a mess and it gave us an opportunity to have a nice walk-and-talk, so it was a good thing in the end. However, you should hit him for hopping onto one of my guards.”

Luna hit me again, so I flipped her off. “My feelings.”

“Stop doing stupid things and I will stop disciplining you.” Luna stated matter-of-factly.

“Let me hug you and I’ll be good for the whole night.” I bargained.

Luna cast a furtive glance over to Celestia. “... One hug. One.”

I blinked. “... Are you serious? You’re going to let me hug you?”

“One hug.” Luna said intensely. “You get what you want and you behave for the entire night.”

I raised my right hand. “One hug and I’ll be good from sunset to sunup.”

Luna nodded slowly and backed away from the table. “I will not hug you back.”

That made my heart ache for some reason. “I think I’ll just go back to bed.”

Celestia looked at me. “Remmy? I thought you wanted to hug Luna?”

“It’s not important anymore. Can I have a journal and a pen so I can do that thing you asked me to do?”

“I suppose, but I’d like to know why you suddenly-”

“It’s nothing. I’ll find my way back to my room; don’t waste your time thinking about it.” I turned and walked out of the room before anyone could say anything else.

I wasn’t exactly hurt or anything, nor was I even annoyed. I’d hugged Celestia plenty of times and she’d never hugged me back, but for some reason, hearing Luna say that she had no interest in returning the affection I wanted to give her just made me want to go to sleep for a little bit longer. It happens with a few things, like when I eat squash or see anything related to Grue and his Minions, but both of those things involve evil and yellow, so I don’t know why Luna not wanting to touch me evidently bothered me. Celestia was right when she said that the body was more honest than the mind, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what my body was trying to tell me.

Quoth The Moon

Luna glared after Red Rum and rolled her eyes when he closed the door behind him softly. “I finally give into his request and he decides that it’s-”

“Luna, I’ll hit you if you finish that sentence.” Celestia snapped.

The Princess Of The Night raised a brow at her sister. “Someone needs a nap.”

“You realize that Red Rum probably thinks you want nothing to do with him other than what you feel is a responsibility, right? You realize that he probably feels like he’s nothing to you, right? You realize that in saying that you weren’t going to hug him back, something that was a foregone conclusion, you verbally spit in his face and said he wasn’t worth touching, right?” Celestia said fiercely.

Luna rolled her eyes. “You’re both overreacting, sister.”

“I’ll really hit you.” Celestia said, her voice rhymingly dead.

Luna glared at her. “Try me.”

“Go and try to connect to your damned familiar.” Celestia snarled. “It’s a bucking shame that I’m closer to him after a single walk than you are after how long?”

“Like thou hast not always been more sociable than I.” Luna retorted hotly in turn. “Thou believeth that mine relationship with Red Rum lies solely within my grasp, yet thou ignoreth his quirks and oddities as though they be commonplace! If thou dost not find agreeance with mine treatment of Red Rum, then thou can verily shove it into thine flank with barbs and blisters abound, for I’ve lost what little patience I have.”

Celestia shook her head at her sister. “Luna, he loves you.”

“Which ist thine own fault.” Luna growled.

“You don’t think I don’t know about your cutting?” Celestia said coldly.

Luna’s breath froze in her lungs. “... How?”

“I’ve known you for four thousand years. Your glamours are transparent to me.”

“... Celestia, I-”

“I wanted to give you a Familiar to fill your heart with a little more love. I know you’re not going to stop because of anything I say here, but I was hoping that having a soul under your care would…” The elder sister sighed, her concern and vexation audible in the exhalation. “Luna, you need help, and so does Red Rum. You know that I love you with the whole of my being, and I know that Red Rum will come to love you just as well if you let him. This is why I’m upset. You’re pushing away an injured soul that needs you, pushing away a chance to do a little more healing that my love can’t help you with.” Celestia looked her sister in the eye with a little smile, bitter tears falling from her eyes as she spoke.

Luna closed off her body language, shame, self-loathing and unease riddling her features. “... Where my willpower was stronger than yours, your wisdom has always been deeper than mine. I ask for your advice in this.” She pleaded softly.

“Go to Red Rum. Ask him about the blackbird and the bluebird.”

“... As you say, it will be… Celestia, I-”

“I don’t understand why you do it, but I want you to stop, Luna. Please help me understand where this pain is coming from.” The Solar Diarch said kindly.

“... It started on the Moon… I-” Luna flinched violently. “... I’m going to go talk to Red Rum now.”

Celestia nodded. “When your heart is ready, my mind will be open. You know you can always come to me.”

“I know. I love you, sister.”

“I love you too, Luna. I love you more than you know.”

They traded minute smiles, finding comfort in the familiar exchange even though all was not well. The meal commenced and they both ate with the all the vigor they could scrounge up, but dead dormice with broken backs had shown more enthusiasm for a second chance at a cheese-laden trap. It didn’t matter much since both of them had forced themselves to eat with heavier hearts than what they bore at the moment, but neither of them was comfortable with the mood of the room.

After a rather quick meal, Celestia alighted to court to let Luna’s steward know that he was to manage business for a few hours while Luna took her time in getting to Red Rum’s room, though when she got there, her Familiar was nowhere to be found. Instead of waiting for him to show up, Luna just Summoned him into the room and watched as he retched when he appeared. He shook violently for a few seconds as the Summons wore off, which was to be expected. Luna didn’t doubt that Red Rum had rejected the Summons in favor of being difficult, but at least it hadn’t actually hurt him.

“Red Rum.” Luna said quietly.

He shook his head and clapped his cheeks. “Fuck, that sucked. Was that your fault?”

“It was. A Summons is easier than teleportation, and it allows you to know who is requesting your presence. I apologize for your discomfort.”

“Do you actually mean that?” Red Rum asked.

Luna frowned since she still couldn’t grasp the minute inflections in his voice that were present when he wasn’t putting on a facade. His monotone was indecipherable, and unlike Celestia, Luna had few empathetic tendencies that would have given her any hints. “I do. Red Rum, were you hurt by my words earlier? Please be honest with me.”

“... My heart ached a little, but it’s not like I was offended or anything. You’ve already made it pretty clear that physical affection isn’t your thing.”

Luna walked over to his bed and had a seat. “It’s not my forte, but I’m not as opposed to it as you might think. What you do not understand is that your paws remind me very much of a Wendigo’s, as does much of your appearance.”

“And you don’t like Wendigoes. I get it.” He nodded.

Luna sighed. “Red Rum, were you aware of the fact that Celestia has tampered with your emotions? It was nothing personal, but when she tricked me into getting a Familiar, she input a command into the Familiar Cube that would require said Familiar to love me.”

“Is that why I want to hug you so bad? I thought it was just because you look like a giant plushie.” Red Rum said, his voice still flat.

“It may have more to do with our current relationship than we might know.” Luna said factually. “Both of us are going to have to be flexible in this, as little as I would like that to be the case, so make your demands.”

Red Rum came to sit beside Luna and offered her his hand. “Let me see your hoof for a moment.”

She gave him a questioning look. “By no means is a hoof soft outside of the youngest of foals.”

“Should I say please?”

“I will barely feel your paws.” She said, giving him her hoof.

He held it and looked at it, brushing his thumb across the joint between fetlocks and keratin. “Your hooves aren’t like a Pony from my world. Your frogs aren’t as obvious and they frankly look nothing alike.”

“What does that matter?” Luna asked.

“Does it bother you that I’m touching you right now?”

“I can barely feel it, so no.”

“Let me shake your hoof instead of giving you a hug.” Red Rum requested.

“... Would that satisfy your desire for furship?” Luna asked, confused.

“No, but this is where we can meet in the middle for now. If you can get used to me touching your hoof, then maybe you can get used to my hands in general.”

She saw the reason in that, though it made her uneasy to think about being touched in the future. “I suppose it will be something to grow used to, as you’ve said. Is there anything else you want from me?”

“I just want to hug you.” He said plainly.

“I would like for you to do as I say, but I doubt that will happen.” Luna said drily.

“If you asked instead of ordered, I’d probably do whatever it was. If you’d asked me to open the door at breakfast, I would’ve. Hooves don’t open doors as well as hands.”

Luna looked at her Familiar with an intense gaze. “What lengths would you go to earn my approval?”

“I don’t give a shit about your approval.” He answered flawlessly. There wasn’t a single buck in his voice, his composure, or his presence.

Luna blinked. “What do you care about? And please do not lie to me again."

“... I’d say the same thing I said earlier to fuck with you, but I just want to hug you.” He confessed.

“... Would you live for me if I gave you a hug? Would you promise to stay your hand when you feel your life is worth nothing if I were to do that one thing?”

“Why do you think one little thing would make my life worth living?” Red Rum asked, his voice laced with irritation. It was the most genuine emotion she’d heard from him yet.

“... My sister makes my life worth living. Perhaps you would come to think of me as a sister.” Luna said softly, opening up slightly.

“I don’t want another sister.” Red Rum snapped loudly. “Leave.”

The Lunar Diarch heard years of pain in his voice. “Red-”

Red Rum seized Luna’s muzzle and bore his teeth at her, which she didn’t find amusing. He couldn’t hurt her due to the Familiar Contract that he’d had no choice in, but Luna deigned it worthy of her time to listen to what he had to say rather than putting him in his place. “I don’t need one, I don’t want one. End of story.”

Luna removed Red Rum’s hand with magic and levelled a calm, stern look at him. “I will break your hand if you dare try that again. Do not spit on my kindness, Red Rum.”

She saw little more than contempt and pain in his eyes, though the tears he shed were something she couldn't understand. “Leave.”

“Tell me about your sister.”

“Kill yourself and bury your bones in fire.” He spat. “That whore’s story ain’t got a place in my mouth.”

Luna nodded. “Then I will enter your mind.”

Red Rum opened his mouth to object, but Luna froze him and touched the side of her horn to his forehead and let her magic trickle into his mind. A story that Luna had no business witnessing, a betrayal as painful as the one she’d committed against her sister so many years ago, flowed into her mind and Red Rum’s heart broke all over again as memories he’d done his damnedest to bury were dredged up into the forefront of his mind. Luna saw as he grew up with so much love in his heart, so much trust, and saw the moment in which it was ripped away from him. She saw the moment that cracked his fragile psyche in the first place as the woman his brother had dated since Red Rum was old enough to remember shot and disemboweled her ‘lover’ in front of the younger man.

Luna pulled out of Red Rum’s mind and she… She didn’t know what to do. Red Rum had collapsed in on himself metaphorically as his mind rejected the memories, breaking down what he’d spent so long building up. She’d casually torn him apart and had no idea how to put him back together, so she sent a telepathic message to Celestia in abject panic while Red Rum curled up and wailed for Robert to come back to him, to be there for him again. All the Princess knew to do was to hold him, so she swallowed her disgust, beat back her aversion, and wrapped her legs around her Familiar.

Author's Note

Another Chapter down, some more laughs to be had. Let me know what you think in the comments; otherwise I can't improve the story. Shit bothers me when people leave a like or dislike and don't give feedback, but it's not like it's the end of the world.

Feelsy bullshit ahead -->You can crack emptiness. You can bury the pain and you can ignore it, but you don't get rid of it until you deal with it. Learned that the hard way. STill learning that lesson, to be honest. I didn't intend for this chapter to get emotional in any manner of speaking. I fully intended on making this story a dark-humor bonanza when I started, but that's not the writer I am. It's easier for me to write for Remmy when I put my heart behind it instead of my jokes, and it's far more therapeutic to get some of my own ache into words instead of struggling to open up verbally. It's far easier for me to write my feelings out, even if I haven't experienced anything like what my characters have, than for me to spit out what's on my heart, even to people I trust with my life. Being grandiloquent and having a decent lexicon only serves one when they can use it, after all.

If it's not obvious, and if you really just need someone to say it, then get help if you feel anything like Remmy does. Even if your family hates you, or your friends are fake as fuck, I promise you that there is a soul that gives multiple fucks about whether or not you care to see another day. All you have to do is reach out. Go to your local hospital and just spit it out, and you will get help. I've had to reach out multiple times, see a psyche, and here recently I've been mandated to get a therapist, so believe me when I say that someone wants you alive. If you're afraid to reach out in person, I'll gladly lend an ear or an eye. Just voicing how you feel can help, even if you don't want to go into detail.

Chapter Three: Hush Now

Quoth The Sun

“Luna, how?” Celestia groaned after making sure that Red Rum was completely unconscious, dead to the world, save for the soft sounds of his breathing.

Her sister wouldn’t meet her eyes, though she still held onto her familiar. “...I pushed too hard.”

“You’re better at Mind-Diving than I am!” Celestia whispered incredulously. “If you so choose, then all but an Alicorn or an ancient Dragon would be completely ignorant of your meddling! You’re like a needle as thick as a piece of a mane!”

“It did not matter.” Luna replied softly. “The second I entered his mind, it shattered.”

“... I’ve been inside of his mind multiple times and he was fine. I don’t understand, sister.” The eldest being in the country shook her head slowly. “We can fix this. Have you tried wiping his memory?”

“I’ve doctored it completely. He’ll think I tried to give him a jolt of happiness so I could see a genuine smile on his face.”

“That would upset him.” Celestia said slowly.

“I deserve his ire. It would be unjust to rob him of the few emotions he has...” She trailed off, her voice full of regret.

“... I see the kindness in that, but we’ve already trodden on his mind. Does it really matter?”

Luna glared at Celestia, tears brimming in her eyes. “I cannot continue like this, Celestia. I keep breaking more pieces off of Red Rum and I’m sick of it. If he wants affection, he will have it. If he needs to make my life Tartarus for some semblance of contentment, then I will bear it for his sake.”

“... What did you see?”

“The woman who was to wed his brother slayed the man in front of him in the most brutal fashion. I have not seen such… barbarity, since we fought for Equestria’s sovereignty against Discord’s Horde.” Luan said, her voice trembling. “He was a colt, Celestia. He loved them both more than his own parents, and… THAT HORRID WHORSE-” Luna seethed, losing control for a few seconds.

“What, Luna? What happened?” Celestia asked, her heart already aching for the tortured soul.

“... She beat him, Celestia. She beat him bloody; broke his legs. Mashed his paws with a mallet.” Luna’s face contorted into one of rage, her tears falling in hot rivulets down her face. “She betrayed him in the worst of ways, and I made him relive that… I cannot believe I made him relive that, Celestia…”

Celestia knew that the weeping was going to start in earnest, so she closed the distance between them, nuzzling her to bring her a hoofful of the comfort she was trying to give her Familiar. “We cannot change the past, Luna. We cannot cross the worlds and right that wrong, but we can love Remmy while he’s here, can we not? We can give him-”

“Celestia, we cannot get close to him!” Luna sobbed. “I searched and searched and searched in his heart, but he has not trusted a soul since his own wife-to-be left him and left him homeless! This creature has no desire to be whole again and I understand! I get it...” She said, her voice weakening. “Even if we never crossed him, even if I give him all he could ever desire, we would have to warp his mind further to help him…”

As always, older sister knows best, and in this case, a headbutt was the best choice. “Knock it off.”

“Okay.” Luna mewled.

“The first thing we do is let Remmy wake up on his own. His favourite food is something called ‘barbeque pulled pork’, which is obtainable. I will gather that. The next thing he likes is the color red, so we will change this room to suit that. You can do that. The third thing is finding smaller, cuter ponies to let him hug, so I’m calling in the cutest ponies I know, and a harlot for good measure. Males across all species like a good mare, and Fleur can charm just about anything with legs.” Celestia touched her nose to Luna’s and started pacing. “Fluffy Puffy is a little ball of joy, so she’s definitely one of the Rescue Crew, and Applejack’s honest country charm is beyond endearing, and as an added plus, her accent aligns with the ones I’ve heard from the good memories, so the familiarity should count for something. Pinkie-”

“No!” Luna breathed. “Pinkie and Red Rum together will menace all of Canterlot!”

Celestia turned to her and gave her a seriously serious look. “I believe it might take just that, Luna. If we can make Red Rum have fun with the funnest, party-hardiest Pony in Equestria, then we stand a chance of giving him a taste of real happiness for but a few fleeting moments.”

Luna bit her lip, the headache already building. “... If you think it will work… What about Twilight? She is-”

“Oh Tartarus no.” Celestia interrupted. “Twilight’s psyche is delicate as is. Red Rum stands a very good chance of turning her bitter and jaded or frazzling her mind until I need to send her back home to her parents. No, Twilight is not strong enough to withstand someone with Remmy’s frame of mind.”

“What about her friend Fluttershy? Would her kindness not be of use?” Luna asked a little desperately. “I would rather offer him the friendship of a sweet, harmless pony like her rather than a night of passion with a whorse.”

“Passion is a strong word if we’re talking about your Familiar,” Celestia said, seeing flaws in that plan, “and there’s no telling if Remmy could even find a pony sexually attractive since we look similar enough to animals from his world. He used to work on large farms like the ones out west and took care of creatures that look like incredibly stoic, handsome stallions. Even the mares looked like stallions, come to think of it.”

Luna looked down to Red Rum’s sleeping form with concern and remorse, her thoughts painted on her face for her sister to see, though Celestia still let her speak her mind rather than guessing what she was going to say. “You said that he thinks of us as dolls. I doubt he will ever hope to find love in what he sees as talking playtoys.”

“When have you ever lost hope?” Celestia asked softly.

Luna took a moment to let that sink in. “... Bucking never. You are right. I still do not like the idea of selling a mare to my Familiar though.”

“Fluttershy is a sensitive creature, Luna. Fleur is a personal friend of mine, and she can take a harsh rejection. Red Rum would have to deride Fleur for hours to even bother her slightly whereas Fluttershy can barely withstand a gentle rebuke.”

“... She befriended Discord.”

“She was protecting her friends at the same time.”

Luna sighed. “Perhaps I’ve put her on a pedestal. I’d like to know that she be held in reserve, however.”

“I don’t want to risk another pony’s health, Luna.”

“The Elements of Harmony will undoubtedly be there for her should Red Rum leave an emotional bruise. Your faith in them was far greater but months ago, sister.”

Celestia sighed. “Fluttershy’s our Plan B for now.”

Luna nodded. “Then we start at once. Gather the pork; I’ll start changing the color scheme of this room, and we can reach out to the Rescue Crew together.”

The Solar Diarch exchanged firm nods with the Lunar Diarch, and with that, they knew that between the might of the Sun and the Moon, Red Rum’s recovery into a being that could feel once more was a path that could be traveled with dedication, devotion, and after a little thought on Celestia’s part, bacon. All meat eaters loved bacon, after all.

Quoth The Wendigo

I woke up warm with arms around me and the scent of blueberry pie easing its way into my nose. I felt a little more hollow than normal and my eyes were dry when I opened them, so I didn’t bother doing it again until I nuzzled the thing holding me. It was blue. The only blue thing I knew of that had fuzzy arms was the Cookie Monster, but then I realized that I didn’t feel any hands on me and that I was listening to a heartbeat, so it obviously wasn’t the Cookie Monster, as awesome as that would have been. I tried to think of what would be holding me and why, but my mind was clouded like I’d been downing shots, though my stomach didn’t feel like it at all.

“Have you awoken?” Luna asked softly.

“... Luna?” I asked dumbly.

“Yes, Red Rum. I am here.”

“... Not that this isn’t really great, and I mean it’s fuckin’ fantastic, and I really do mean that, but why are you touching me?”

“... I made a mistake. Do you not remember?”

“I remember getting punched in the stomach but nothing after that. Was that your fault?” I asked a little irritably.

“Yes, but that’s not what I speak of. The Summons should not have hurt you unless you rejected it.” She said, her tone warm and caring.

It was a little creepy, to be honest.

“... Alright, so how did you fuck up and why are you holding me?”

“... I tried to give you a little happiness. I wanted to see a genuine smile on your face, and my greed caused your to have an awful reaction to my Magic. You fainted in tears.” Massa explained, remorse in her voice.

“Well thanks for doing stupid shit, I guess. It’s nice that I don’t remember it though, so we’re cool.”

“Cool?”

“I’m not any more mad at you than usual, so I’m not hot-blooded. I’m cool. We’re cool. You don’t have to hold me.”

“Is it not comforting?” She asked.

“Oh, it’s fuckin’ great. It’s like being hugged by a big, warm plushie, and your heartbeat is really soothing. I’d like to go back to sleep, but I doubt you’re letting me do that.” I answered blithely.

Much to my surprise, Luna gave me a squeeze. “I will come to love you, Red Rum. I want you to know this. I already care for you, but the love will come in the future.”

“... Okay, that’s not ominous or foreboding at all. What really happened?”

“... Your reaction to Empathetic Magic was worse than ‘bad’, my Familiar. I would not put you through such an ordeal again, no matter what you do.” Luan said, her voice thick with lies and regret.

“So you tried to rape my mind or something. Gotcha. What did you learn?” I asked, taking a shot in the dark.

“Mind-Diving is illegal for all but therapeutic purposes, my Familiar. I could not do that to you without your permission.” Luna said, truth ringing through in her words.

“So what really happened?”

“I told you-”

“Yeah, but you’re a liar liar pants on fire, hanging from a telephone liar. I’m not going to be upset or anything unless you tried to warp me into a smile machine or something. Starmachine2000 is lovely song. I like stars. There are stars in your mane and that’s super cool. Can I touch you mane?” I asked, trying to throw her off.

“You may.”

I pushed myself up and stared Luna down. “What the fuck did you do to me, Luna?”

“I can restore your memory, but…” She frowned and blinked a few times in rapid succession.

I didn’t like the way that sounded. “Can I sniff your tail?”

“No.” She gave me a disgusted look.

I smiled. “There we go.”

“Oh, you utter foal!” She groaned. “Ugh, find something better to do with your time than vex me, mortal.”

I let a hand rest on her neck and she looked at it for a moment before looking back at me with no outward sign of discomfort. “... My hands don’t bother you?”

“I used my magic to make you stroke my fur while you were asleep. I can bear it for a few minutes.”

“... I don’t really want to mess with someone who already feels bad.” I said grumpily, giving Luna a quick hug that she leaned in for.

“It’s a shame that it takes somepony suffering already for you to leave them alone.” Luna said gently, giving me a sad look.

“Stop that. I don't do shame.”

“You should. I feel shame for hurting you, as a healthy person should.”

“I’ll bite you, dammit.”

Luna glared at me and flushed brightly. “Bite hard and buck my flank, you naughty colt.”

I felt my face flush. “... The fuck?”

“Two can play at your little game, foal.” She said flatly, her face bright red.

“Yeah, but only one of us would follow through on half of what we said.”

Her face stayed red as she said, “Yes, but only one of us has the power to stop the other from doing half of what we say we will do.”

“Gotcha.”

She shook her head and made her mane billow and wave as she did. “Victory. I request that you come along with me to Night Court after your meal.”

“Didn’t we already have dinner slash breakfast?” I asked.

“Yes, but you did not eat.”

I blinked at her. “Oh yeah, I left after you lied and said that you weren’t going to hug me.”

“How did I lie?” Luna asked, her brow furrowing.

I gave her a shit eating grin. “You don’t remember ourtime together in bed, basking in the afterglow of a healthy mistake?”

She sighed so hard, I thought she was deflating. “Dammit.”

“Get ready for a long night, Lulu.”

“Do not call me that, Red Rum.”

“Stop saying my full name.”

“Rummy.”

“I love that game. Do you know how to play?”

“... Would you like to play at Night Court?”

“Can we take shots for every hundred points?”

She opened her mouth, let it close, and then answered. “... That would pass the time. I assume that the you would take shots for my points and I for yours?”

“Why would we be trying to get each other drunk?”

“Why not?” Luna countered, confusing the fuck out of me.

“I know you’re trying to sleep with me, but the main thing I’m worried about is how you’re not shooting down my suggestions as they come.”

“I am not trying to sleep with a foal, and playing a game and drinking is something I would do with a friend.”

“... So you’re not trying to enslave me anymore?”

“The only thing I will make you do is live, and that is something all Ponies would support.” Luna replied kindly. “It is not because I hate you, or that I feel it is my responsibility to take care of you. It is because letting you throw your life away would be a crime that I could not forgive myself for, no matter how I justified it.”

“You’re still making me do something because of your will.” I said flatly, my voice like a plateau that had been sanded down to make the bubble in a level sit exactly in the center across the entire surface. Or like Earth-chan’s chest. Whichever.

“I cannot apologize for doing what I believe in my heart is right.” Luna looked at me, but there wasn’t… She… I dunno, it’s like she saw straight through me, knew my answer before I was going to even say anything. She knew that I was about to curse her down like a rabid dog, and then she knew that I was about to tell her to shut up, and then she knew I was going to tell her to mind her own business. Every time I changed my answer, she knew what it was going to be, and I didn’t like that.

“Tractor sand blue burn, motherfucker!” I shouted, a little pissed.

She blinked at me and looked behind me a second after. “You rang?” A male voice asked.

I turned and saw one ugly fucker. “Hey there, handsome.” We said simultaneously.

“Discord, please leave.” Luna sighed.

He huffed. “I was in the middle of my shows, you know. Next time, stop him before he gets past ‘tractor’.” The dude lifted a claw and snapped his digits before he winked out of existence.

“Discord, eh?” I asked after a moment.

“Don’t bother him unless you want your life to be more difficult, and less worth living. If he turns you into something, I may never find you.” Luna warned, clambering off of my bed.

I took a moment to actually look at my bed and noticed that it was maroon. “... Why-” I looked around and saw that a lot of the things that used to be blue in the room were now red. In fact, there wasn’t anymore blue in the room. Just maroon, charcoal grey, and ash grey.
My favorite color combination. That I hadn’t said a word about. “Luna, did you read my mind?”

“I did not need to. There are basic things about you that I am aware of through our connection. I also know your favorite food, shoe size, your measurements, and your least favorite food.” Luna answered plainly, like I should have already known that.

“... So you changed my room because…?”

“Would you like it to be blue again?”

“How long was I asleep?” I scratched my head.

“I am an Alicorn, Red- Rummy. Changing the colors around this place is foal’s play at best.”

“Can you give make my skin brown? I always wanted to be a black guy so I could have a litter of illegitimate children and pay no child support.” I said.

“Why would the color of your skin dictate how you act?”

“It just does back on Earth, apparently.” I scoffed. “Being white makes you evil and pretentious, being yellow makes you smart and eat dogs, and being brown makes you an absent or abusive parent.”

“That’s a foalish way of thinking. That’s akin to the superstition that blue ponies are sad, yellow ponies are happy, and pink ponies are whorses.”

“How many of each that fit into those categories do you know?” I asked to amuse myself.

Luna cracked a smile. “Stereotypes have bases somewhere, I suppose, but I am not a perpetually depressive kind of Pony.”

“No, you’re usually just salty.”

“Mmm, I could go for a margarita.” Luna murmured.

“... Yo, baby, Massa; You aight?” I asked.

She nodded. “I am fine. I’ve just decided to try poking holes in my filter to relate to to you on a deeper level.”

“... So you’re really trying to befriend me here. Huh.” I scratched my cheek, a little amused.

“Is that a bad thing?” Luna queried.

I decided to just throw something into the water. “I’d rather court you properly if you’re going to treat me right.”

She didn’t bite and laughed instead. “Oh, I’m never going to marry you. I dated a thousand years ago, and I find no reason to do it again.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “What, too many guys were just after tail, or what?”

“My tail or my power.” She snorted. “Paper thin facades lead to deep seeded trust issues, which is why the spell I put on you when you tried to impale yourself on me has been actively keeping you neutral rather than depressive. You would have to find a reason to take your life now, and you can thank buckheads that are long dead for that.”

I stuck my tongue out at her. “You never let me have any fun, Mom.”

“I don’t think you want another mother.” Luna replied. It was just a statement as far as I could tell.

I shrugged. “I never figured that one out to be honest with you. You can take that tidbit as payment for opening up about your own past.”

Massa blinked in surprise. “Celestia would-”

“She’s more like a fun aunt who doesn't make you shovel cow shit.”

Luna cracked up at that and started walking out of the room, so I followed quickly enough to not get left behind because she stopped being a twat. “You don’t know Celestia that well. She once made me wade through a sewer without walkways to complete a mission. I could feel the feces in my soul.”

“Guess you were just full of shit for a while, weren’t you?”

“You’re one to talk. When’s the last time you had a bowel movement?” I gave her a fucked up look and she gave me a grin. “This is the banter I exchange with Celestia. I must admit that it is quite enjoyable to see the looks you give me, muted as they are.”

“Sorry I’m not more expressive, but you’re just throwing me through a loop here. I’m already kind of used to you being… Vexed.”

“I have not been making you feel like a slave or a pet, so you have not been menacing me. It was always that simple, I just never felt that I owed you kindness before, and that was my first mistake.”

“Stop being nice and let me menace you.”

“Stop sucking lemons behind my back, sourpuss.”

“Oh, that was good. I’ll have to use that.”

“Really? I thought it was a little bland myself. I will have to run it by Celestia.” Luna said casually.

“So are you and Celestia blood-related or what? You two really don’t look anything alike, but it’s not like I’m an expert on your kind of Pony.”

“Ah, you’re the first person in a very long time to guess that Celestia and I share blood by the covenant instead of being connected by the waters of the womb. Perhaps I will tell you of how we met later in the night?”

“Sounds good to me. I can tell you about how I met the chick who was both my gay best friend and my token black friend. Felicity was so cool, and her dad was such a funny fucker. I called him a racial slur once and he duct-taped me to a chair and made me watch Roots with him, pointing out all of his ancestors and naming their favorite foods. It was all chicken and watermelon to that guy.” I sighed.

“I assume-”

“Luna, what is that hideous creature!?” Some blond stallion with a white coat said from a side hall we were passing.

I looked at Luna and she closed her eyes, took a breath, and let it out in the space of eight second. “Blueblood, this is my Familiar, Red-”

“Get it out of here! This- This- Deformed monster has no place in my home!” Blueblood whined loudly. I already didn’t like the guy, and it wasn’t because he called me deformed.

Massa’s face grew red as she leveled a glare at him. “I dare-”

“Are you still talking!?” He shouted. “What is wrong with you!? Has being on the Moon torn your standards to pieces!? What kind of pony walks on two legs like some filthy Dog!?”

I turned to Luna, who was trembling slightly. “Can you do anything about this guy?”

“No.” She murmured back with much salt.

I patted her neck and started walking toward the nuisance. “Hey buddy.”

His face contorted into one of absolute disgust with a pinch of disdain and a lot of snooty in the booty. “You dare address me!? You will remember you place you worm.” He roared, marching up to me quickly.

I gave him a wide smile and he stopped, but he’d already fucked up. “Heya brava! Do you love me?”

“Filthy-” Was as far as he made it before I sent a kick into the side of his head with my full weight behind it, but before his head could finish snapping to the left, I seized it and extended my middle, ring, and index fingers before jamming them into his throat with little in the way of morals telling me that I as doing something wrong. Loudmouths get shut up, so I pretended that I was on better terms with Luna and let the magically induced love in my heart make me furious that some piece of shitdared disrespect her in front of me.

Quoth The Moon

Luna’s jaw dropped as she watched Red Rum’s flurry of movement, and she finally snapped out of her reverie when she saw blood flying out of Blueblood mouth as her Familiar beat him with no regard for the law, ponanity, or even common decency. She couldn’t help but feel her heart pound in her chest; feel the adrenaline surge through her veins. She couldn’t stop the dew from collecting beneath her tail either, but she was mostly concerned with stopping Rummy from actually killing Blueblood. However, she didn’t have to step in because soon enough, Red Rum stopped holding Blueblood’s face and shoved him over onto his side, the ‘poor’ stallions face a bloody mess.

“That’s not going to heal right.” Luna commented, casting a few spells around the halls, but none on Blueblood himself.

Red Rum dislodged a tooth from his hand. “Disrespectful little asshole, wasn’t he?”

“Quite. I assume you did that because I could not?”

“Yup. That and he was just being a real negative nag, y’know?”

“That he is.” She stopped the flow of her Magic and walked over to where her Familiar was standing, quite proud of his tolerance for rude, uppity, self-entitled, do-nothing layabouts. “Could I ask of you one more favor? I cannot leave my magical signature on him if we are to get away with this.”
“Could you heal my hand after? Pony teeth are big.” Red Rum bargained.

Luna nodded and gave him a wide smile. “Twist his testicles several times until they will go no further. I’ve located six more of Blueblood’s illegitimate foals and Celestia refuses to make him claim them. He does not deserve to have more.”

“I can break walnuts with my bare hands.” Her increasingly respectable Familiar informed. “There’s a Gay Tax on making me touch another guy’s junk though.”

“What is your price?”

“Your left eye is blind, right?”

Luna frowned. “How did you know that?”

“That’s effectively a yes, so let me walk on your left side from now on.”

“... Why?”

“Because if Blueblood was more than a nuisance, he could’ve killed you. And you had to turn all the way to see him. That’s how I knew.”

“... Why do you suddenly care so much? I thought you still disliked me.”

“I take care for my friends.” Red Rum answered simply.

Luna looked at him for a moment before nodding, finding the new depths to his character interesting and more than a little appealing. “Deal. It is a boon to me anyway.”

Red Rum gave her a smirk. “That means I get to poke and stroke you and you’ll never see it coming.”

She rolled her eyes and gave him a little smile in turn. “I do not think you would abuse the trust I am giving you.”

He frowned. “Seriously, did you read my mind?”

“The less I fuss and fret over you, the more I see of you. You are an honorable man, Red Rum, and although I’d like to compliment you on your brutalization of Blueblood, I need you to pop his berries before he wakes up.”

“I’ll pop ‘em, then I’ll spread his legs and you stomp them. New deal, not Jew deal?”

Luna nodded and Red Rum went over to fulfill his part of the trade, then he rolled Blueblood onto his back and spread his hind-hooves for Luna, standing over his barrel. “What is a Jew deal?” She asked interestedly.

“One where I’d cheat you out of a large sum of money. Jews are eviler than white folk, dontcha know?” Rummy commented as Luna worked out seven years of frustration. He seemed to be having a hard time holding Blueblood’s legs open, and when the screaming started, it got a little harder.

“Take care of that, will you?” Luna shouted over Blueblood’s racket.

Rummy nodded, let go of Blueblood’s legs, and then walked around to stand over the arrogant buckstain’s head. She wasn’t expecting Red Rum to miss his first stomp, but then she considered the fact that he missed on purpose because he did it multiple times before savagely kicking their quarry in the barrel.

“Heya brava! Do you lo~ove me?” Red Rum sang. “Do you lo~ve me?” Blueblood didn’t answer and wailed instead, which made Red Rum frown deeply and kick him again. “It doesn’t stop ‘til ya lo~ve me, brava! Do you lo~ve me?”

“I-I-I-” Blueblood stammered, shying away from Red Rum’s continued stomping around his head. “I love you! I love you brava, please! I love you!”

“Good.” Red Rum growled, kneeling beside the biggest thorn in Luna’s side. Well, the biggest one in her own home, that is. She watched on with great interest as Rummy said, “You love me, so you’re not telling anyone about who did this to you, right?”

The pathetic Prince sniffled and threw up on himself, which wasn’t what Red Rum evidently wanted him to do because it earned him a punch. “Brava, you love me, right?”

“I-I love you, I swear!” Blueblood hiccupped.

“Then you don’t know who did this, RIGHT!?” Red Rum roared, saliva flying from his mouth.

Luna giggled as she considered the situation. Blueblood had no hope of help arriving since there was an aversion charm on them, a camouflage bubble paired with a soundproofing sphere, and she surely wasn’t going to stop Red Rum from doing anything short of murdering him. It then struck her that Red Rum’s name was a palindrome and was undoubtedly fake, so she resolved to ask him about it after a few shots. Like she’d said earlier, the less she fussed at Red Rum, the more she saw, and the more she saw, the more she liked. What Red Rum was doing was psychological torture; a cerebral type of degradation that she’d participated in many times. His style was similar to her early work since he was backing up his imprinting with pain and fear, mixing in Saddled Syndrome by forcing Blueblood to confess something time and time again, which would trickle into a fragile mind and become an insidious belief rather than a simple thought, and she most definitely approved.

Blueblood failed to answer in time, so Red Rum punched him twice in the mouth, loosening more teeth. “Heya brava. Do. You. Love. Me?”

“I plomise. I plomise I love you.” The Prince replied weakly, sobbing.

“Then you don’t know who did this, right?” ‘Red Rum’ stroked his mane like a parent would for a frightened foal, earning more of Luna’s respect. She wouldn’t have been surprised if ‘Red Rum’ was using her preferred version of Saddled Syndrome unknowingly.

“I-I don’t know. I dunno I swear I dunno-ho-hooo.”

“Then you’re not going to make me come and test your love for me, right?” Rummy asked, solidifying her suspicions by using a mollifying tone filled with tenderness.

“I sweal I sweal I sweal I sweal-” Blueblood’s breath caught in his lungs when Red Rum pressed a thumb against one of his eyes. Bloody urine seeped out of his mangled sheath. “OhdealCelesthia, pleasthe pleasthe pleasthe nooo!”

“Test my love and I’ll never let you see me again, okay, dear? I love you, and I don’t want to hurt you, but you hurt me inside when you called me those horrible names. If you love me, you’ll never let such hateful words leave your mouth again, right? Because you love me, brava.”

“I love you.”

Red Rum removed his hand and stood. “Then you’ll understand why I’m doing this, right?”

“Pleasthe! ple-he-he-HEEEE-” Red Rum stomped Bluebloods face two good times and he was out cold.

“There we go.” Red Rum huffed. He looked to Luna. “Got a problem with psychological abuse?”

“Not when delivered unto a mareizing, abusive, racist, foalish, foolish, spiteful, hateful, cocky, absentee-slash-neglectful-father. I have little pity for Blueblood, but I have to ask you a question, Red Rum.” Luna started walking away, keeping an eye on Red Rum to see if he was following her.

He followed and came to her left side. “Is it about where I learned to fight?”

“No. It’s about how you knew to cover your tracks with techniques I’ve used before.”

“Ah. It’s-” Red Rum grimaced and Luna heard him stop walking.

“Something that was done to you. I understand.” Luna said softly.

“I dunno about that, but you’re probably right. I think I’m repressing memories.”

“I would offer to bury them deeper into your subconscious for you, but that would require me entering your mind.”

“Yeah, no, don’t walk into my brain.”

Luna nodded since she’d expected the response. “Of course. What kind of alcohol would you like to drink in Night Court?”

“I like whiskey, brandy, and amaretto.”

“I like whiskey, but brandy is Celestia’s drink of choice. Oh, if she comes after you for beating her nephew, feel free to use me as an excuse.”

“Happily. I don’t think I can run from her.”

“You couldn’t run from either of us, for future reference. I have another question for you, if you have the inclination to answer.”

“Can you heal my hand before it gets infected?”

Luna traced her magic back to Red Rum and let it flow into him. “It should heal up in a few hours, but if you niggle at the wound, it will scar.”

“If I can go six days without eating or jerking it in high school, then I can avoid fucking up my appearance any further.”

“Do not tell me you are vain.” Luna deadpanned.

“Very. It runs deep enough to make me avoid certain kinds of suicide. What’s your question though?”

“Why did you really brutalize Blueblood? I know you said that you take care of your friends, but we are not that friendly yet.”

“Ah, it’s because I saw the way you reacted to him talking to you. I infuriate you, but that guy had you ready to fly off the handle in a few words. Guess you could say I was jealous.”

Luna whapped her Familiar with a wing. “You’re incorrigible.”

“I think that’s the first time I’ve heard you use a contraction.”

“A what?”

“A word like ‘you’re’ or ‘can’t’. You usually say both words or just avoid saying one in general.”

“Ah. It is a lazy way to speak. Is that the true reason, though?”

“For the Blueblood thing? He put off a bad vibe, was extremely hostile, and apparently thought that you didn’t deserve common decency. He’s a rodent. I don’t need more reasons, do I?”

“You only need a few honest ones, my Familiar.” She chuckled. “If you weren’t so fond of joking around, I wouldn’t have to ask so often.”

“Fair enough.” He said quietly.

“Is there something on your mind?” Luna asked, making sure to sound like she cared. She really did since Red Rum’s thoughts were bound to be interesting, but she had trouble getting her emotions across from time to time.

“You said that what I did to fuckface back there was within your scope.”

“I assume that means that you are surprised that I was once a custodian.”

“Very. You don’t strike me as the warm and tender type, but torture just doesn’t seem like your thing.” Red Rum commented. Luna wondered if he was looking at her, but she couldn’t see, and that bothered her.

“I would tell you of that part of my life, but it is better left in the past, my Familiar. The world has changed-”

“Luna, fucking someone up is a skill you never lose. My Shifu and my Sensei were both in their sixties when I studied under them, but they were still lethal people.”

“You studied under both a man and a woman?” The Lunar Diarch asked, confused.

“Yeah. I learned Wing Chun from an old Chinese man and Hapkido from a woman who I don’t dare call old. Fuck that. She dislocated my shoulder when I asked her to teach me some of her own special moves that she’d worked on with some friends and tried to get pushy about it.”

“What style was the one you used for Blueblood?”

“Wing Chun. It’s strong with quick strikes, but it lacks many finishers. Hapkido was more of a grappling style, but I learned a lot of my weapon skills from that one. Either way, polearms and clubs are my thing.”

“Do you work with bladed weapons often?”

“I kept a pocket knife for a long time, but I switched to an extending baton because it was a lot like a Dan Bong, which was the thing I was best with. I don’t really like blades since external bleeding is ugly, even if I do like the colors of arterial and vascular blood respectively. Internal bleeding can turn people the most beautiful colors.”

Luna whapped him with a wing again. “Since when are you a sadist?”

He barked out a laugh. “I counted nine people in my adult life who thought that my apathy towards life meant that I was a doormat, and several people thought that it meant I was a punching bag. Looking down on me is a good way to get broken.”

“The pride of an American, then?”

“Exactly. Born and raised in a constant struggle financially, but I learned that grinding your nose against sandpaper and diamonds gets you places, even if it’s just to the water’s surface. Learned that taking losses only counts for shit if there’s a gun to your head.”

Luna snarled. “Guns are the bane of a good person’s soul. They lack any semblance of honor.”

“What about a bow?”

“A what?”

“A bow and arrow.”

“Is that like a crossbow? The Dogs and Cats of the Eastern World dare not use them in combat lest they be executed for assassination.”

“... Using ranged weapons is banned period?” Red Rum asked, confusion and shock evident in his voice.

“It has been banned since the very conception of the idea. Hoof-to-hoof combat requires skills. Armed combat requires skill. Any fool with a paw, wings, or magic can kill with a projectile weapon, and so they are banned.”

“What happens if a country lifts the ban?” I asked

“... What do you mean a country? The ban is worldwide. A single country lifting the ban would be political, diplomatic, commercial, and residential self-destruction. That’s why the Dog tribes are as meager as they are now. Dogs invented the crossbow, tried to use them in war a thousand and a half years ago, and forfeited their rights to honorable combat. The Dragons razed their villages, the Cats razed their economy, and the Ponies enslaved their people before the practice was banned. A single country acting in a hostile fashion ends with the destruction of that country.”

“... Holy shit, I thought this world was about love and peace!” Red Rum exclaimed, though his voice still came out flat. His volume raised, but not his pitch.

“It is. It always has been, ever since the Ponies banded together to create Equestria in its early years. Ponies were the last race to unify, you know.” Luna informed, giving a few pieces of history.

“... Weird. I got a question for you.”

“You have a question for me.”

“Sugar, I’ll buck ye’.” Red Rum twanged with the countriest accent Luna had heard outside of the expansive Apple Family.

“You know Applejack already?” She asked, surprised.

“Nope. Does she say ‘Sugar’ and talk like I used to?”

“An accent tends to stay with one for life,” Luna commented, “but to answer your question; yes.”

“Huh. I always did like hearing a familiar voice when I moved away from my home state.” He said tonelessly.

“Would you like to meet her? She’s a very pleasant mare, and her heart is practically made of gilded platinum. I do hold her in esteem, despite the fact that she told me that I act as if I am twice Celestia’s size. I do not understand why she said that-”

“It’s because you tend to be a little hostile when you’re not treating someone like a friend.” Red Rum cut in. “As for meeting Applejack, I doubt she wants to meet me.”

Luna huffed. “I am not hostile, and as far as Applejack goes, I would have her bring a friend of hers named Pinkie along. I believe you and Pinkie would get along famously, and that you and Applejack would find common interests in drinking and blunt honesty.”

“You’re a little hostile.” Red Rum said bluntly, using the aforementioned honesty to make Luna’s cheeks redden. “Are you trying to make me make friends?”

“I will only make you live. It is up to you whether or not you would meet them.”

Red Rum strolled into Luna’s gussied up trap, picked up the bait, and took a bite. “If you’re not making me do it, then why would you want me to?”

She closed the door. “Applejack would be a good friend for you and Pinkie would bring you the most fun you could possibly imagine. I hate Pinkie, if that tells you anything.”

“I get why you want me to be on good terms with someone you respect, but why do you want me to like someone you don’t?”

“Red Rum, let me explain something to you.” Luna said, her voice laden with vexation in a similar amount to what Red Rum usually filled her with. She lowered her tone and spoke as if she was speaking of Tirek himself; the biggest threat Equestria ever knew beyond Discord. “Pinkie Pie is like you, but there is nothing in her heart in most given moments other than pure, unadulterated whimsy. That… Mare. That is a word for her. That mare is one of the singularly most annoying creatures on the face of the planet, if not the most annoying thing that has ever spoken to me.”

Rummy put his hand on her neck and pushed lightly, making Luna whap him with a wing. “So what? You think the two most annoying things in your life will get along?”

“Your brand of fun involves messing with people until they’re ready to hit you. Pinkie’s brand of fun makes people want to restrain her with chains and a muzzle. You’re a match made in Tartarus for all sane Ponies, all Dragons, Naga, and Wyrms, and I doubt that there are many Cats or Griffins that would care for your combined presence.”

“So get Pinkie and spend the day with you?”

“If that would put a smile on your face, I would be willing to bear it for a day.” Luna said truthfully, though uneasily.

“Seriously? You’d rather be annoyed until you want to rip your face off than have me subsist?”

“As I said earlier, I do care for you. The best way that I can think to show you that this is true is to extend patience unto you and treat you as an equal, as improper as I believe it to be for a Princess to bond with her familiar as a friend.”

“... How bad did I break down when you tried to make me happy?”

“Bad enough for me to never attempt to implant another artificial emotion in your heart again.”

“Like, screaming and crying or…?”

“Pleading and sobbing for the end.” She replied remorsefully.

Red Rum pinched her neck and giggled. “Luna, you’re forgiven as far as that goes. I could ‘plead and sob’ right now, I just don’t want to get all snotty.”

She wrapped a wing around him for a moment. “That hurts my heart to hear, but it does not surprise me.”

“Would it hurt your heart to hear that I don’t really want any friends?”

“No, I expect to hear that.” Luna answered, citing his similar distaste for having another sibling as the basis for the assumption.

“... We both know you read my mind, so why are you lying about it?”

“Why do you say that I’ve read your mind?”

“Because you suddenly know me like I’m one of your hooves-”

“Red Rum, do you think you are a complicated man on the surface?” Luna interrupted. “I assure you; you are an open book once one opens their eyes to see past your disregard for all things involving living a happy life. You refuse to betray trust given to you, do you not? If someone you were fond of asked you to stay your hand the very next time you thought to kill yourself, would you not honor that wish and wait for the next time?”

“... I don’t know.” He said softly.

“Would you not protect someone who could not protect themselves, as you wish someone would have done for you?”

“How do you know that?” He asked, his voice gaining an edge. “If you’re not going to show me the common fuckin’ courtesy of bein’ honest, then whadda we got to talk about?”

“I did not read your mind. Impressions of your morals backlashed and barbed my consciousness when I tried to make you happy, and I have been slowly sussing out the feelings and putting them into words. You mistake my insight and knowledge of the heart born from being exponentially older than yourself for mind-rape.” Luna said factually, turning her blind eye to Red Rum, guessing where he was from the sound of his footsteps and voice. “What you need to understand is that you are not unlike a foal to me, when compared to my near immeasurable amount of experience in handling addled minds.”

He shoved her. “Shut up.”

Luna smiled. “When you lose your status as an enigma, you come across as a good, kind soul with violent tendencies. You are simply misguided in your view of your own life. Many people are.”

“... Man, I liked it so much better when you were yelling at me.”

“Untrue.”

“But shut up tho.”

Luna chuckled. “Would you like a hug?”
“I’ll ride you.”

“I ask that you do not.”

Red Rum jumped onto Luna’s back and she freaked out immediately, hating the feeling of having his legs on her barrel. “How’s-”

“GET OFF!” Luna’s voice cracked the stone beneath her hooves, shattered the windows nearby, and fractured the marble pillars around them.

Rummy fell off of her. “... Shit.”

The incensed Princess turned to her Familiar. “Attempt to ride me once more and I will bind your legs together for a year and a day after tucking your penis between them.” She seethed.

“O-kay. Luna doesn’t like to be ridden.” Red Rum said calmly. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“I do not. Most Ponies do not.” She snorted harshly. “Do not make me ground you.”

“I thought you were going to try the ‘friendly’ approach.”

“There are things I will tolerate and things I will not. Disrespect when I show you none in turn is one thing I have no patience for.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“Your heart was not behind it. Get up and come along. We have a game to play.”

Quoth The Wendigo

I picked myself up off of the floor after Luna made it clear without saying a single word about it that she was going to mutilate me and take my appearance away from me if I didn’t fall in line with the new path she was trying to take me down. I wasn’t trying to get fucked up since she knew that erasing my body from existence would be something that I would be horrified by, and the prospect of having to sit down to pee just wasn’t all that appealing. It was actually scary as shit since I knew that Luna’s patience only extended so far, and now that I knew how far I could go before there were consequences, I was feeling better about pushing those boundaries.

As we arrived in Night Court, Luna ordered a few of her guards to bring in a table and she teleported all of my favorite kinds of liquor in so we could have a good game of ginless rummy. We didn’t say much during the first game, and that was because Luna was still upset, and I… I don’t know, and I was sure that I hated it, but I felt ashamed for being the cause of her irritation. I knew that fucking with people who were nice to me wasn’t something I liked to do beyond a few pranks that never amounted to much, but I just…

It was gross.

“Hey sexy, can I pour your shot?” I asked when I racked up another hundred points during a round.

Luna gave me a flat look. “Do not call me that.”

“Beautiful, then.”

“Just pour the shot.”

I gave her a little grin and filled the little glass. “You know, your little fuck up might be making me feel shit again.”

She slammed the shot like a champ and gave me a look. “Filling me with false hope is more than a little cruel, ‘Rummy’.” I heard the quotes in her inflection.

“I honestly feel the slightest bit bad about pissing you off. Honestly. It’s irritating me. It’s like a drop of poison in my pond, and it’s the only thing in there, so it’s standing out. Make it stop.” I ended with a growl.
“It is a consequence of your own actions. Deal with it.” She replied coolly, playing her hand predominantly on the cards I’d already put down.

That was irritating too. Both what she said and what she did. “First off, stop stealing my points. Second, go fuck yourself. I don’t deal with anything I don’t want to.”

“I once thought in a similar manner such as you do. I believed that my power, rivaled by only a foal’s hoofful of people on this planet, made me untouchable. I was proven wrong, as you already know that you are.”

“I’ll hit you.”

“What would it accomplish? It would not make you feel any better, I would barely feel it, and it would only make getting a hug from myself or Celestia unlikely in the future. I know you do not like feeling cornered, so let me free you from the bonds you have placed upon yourself,” We ended the round and she started pouring pouring four shots due to bullshit, “and give you a chance at a better existence than subsistence, as you yourself have said that your life equates to.”

“Subsistence is perfectly fine by me.”

“Should I actually read your mind and share what I find?” Luna asked briskly. “You don’t want to know what you truly desire.”

“You talking like you fucking know me is really starting to piss me off, Lunatone.”

“Cute. Lunatone, not your anger. I do not find your anger cute at all.”

“Then stop pissing me off.”

“Making you live does that in and of itself.”

“It gets worse when you act like you’ve been a part of my life from the get go.” I grumbled irritably.

“Would taking your frustrations out through coitus make you feel any better?”

“Erectile dysfunction. Even if you could find someone willing to sleep with a ‘deformed monster’, I couldn’t get it up, even if I actually wanted to, which I don’t. Sex was never that noice to me.”

“If that is the main problem preventing you from seeking pleasure through meaningless sex with consenting individuals, I would return the function to you.” She offered, slightly rosy around the cheeks.

“The only person I’d stick my dick in is you.” I tried.

Luna evidently knew I didn’t mean it, but she still blushed. “I would deny you that, even if it was actually something you wanted. I am celibate, and I would appreciate it if you would stop making jokes of that nature.”

“I’ll stop making those kinds of jokes if you stop psychoanalyzing me.”

“Let me introduce you to some possible friends and I will take that deal.”

“Let me suckle from your teats and I’ll accept your terms.”

“I do not produce milk.” Luna said, her voice a little choked.

“It’s be for funsies.” I teased.

“That would be akin to allowing you to see my marehood. It is not on the table.”

“Not fair. You’ve evidently seen my wiener, so why can’t I ogle you in turn.”

“I have not seen it, but I do know that you lack a sheath. You have not seen my most precious place, yet you know that I possess lips nonetheless. It is no different.” She cleared her throat. “As I said earlier-”

“If I nail Celestia, would you be mad?”

“... If she found you to be a suitable partner, I would take a bite of my crown!” Luna guffawed like a savage. “Celestia has never taken a suitor who was not one of her favourite colors. You are neither mauve, pastel blue, or sunset yellow, so your chances are nonexistent.”

“There’s always a snuggle with some struggle.”

“You are not strong enough to overpower Celestia, and I would punish you in ways your mind would shatter from if you were to so much as try.” Luna said, her voice ice cold.

“Grab her by the pussy!”

“I would make you feel every emotion you have ever repressed.” Luna answered, her truth making my bones ache.

“... Can I go home, please?” I asked softly.

She gave me a look with little mercy in her eyes. “It is wise to cease this thread of conversation. Your meal will arrive soon.”

“... That’s a no.” I nodded a few times.

“Stating the obvious does you no favors.”

I sighed and rubbed my face. “Luna, what do you really want from me? You say that you want me to heal, but I’m beyond that. I’ve had therapists. I’ve been on the medication. Nothing helps, nothing makes me want to keep going. I’ve been lost for a long time, but I found the way I want to go, and people say I’m sick for being tired all the time. Why can’t I have control over my own life? Why do I have to be subject to someone else’s will when nothing I want to do affects anyone but me? Why am I a slave to everyone’s will?”

She studied my face for a long moment and I felt my tears get swept away by something that wasn’t there, felt the exhaustion settle into my marrow, felt the hopelessness return as she opened her mouth. “Because you don’t know what’s best-”

“IT’S MY GODDAMN LIFE YOU WHORE!” I roared, fury bubbling up and rending my barriers to pieces that flew into a mosaic of frustration and belligerence, surfeited with devitalizing evervation. “IT’S NOT YOUR GODDAMN CHOICE! IT WILL NEVER BE YOUR GODDAMN CHOICE!”

“Calm yourself before I do it for you.” She replied, her face unmoving. I leapt across the table and she caught me mid-air, silencing me so she could be ‘heard’. “Since you accuse me of mind-rape, I suppose I could commit the crime, as long as you believe I’ve done it anyway.” Her horn lit up and I struggled against invisible bonds that caged the bird, but I would never sing for her. I swore to myself that she was burning our bridge as she teleported the table, cards, and alcohol away to touch her horn to my forehead. “You will learn, Red Rum. You will grow to love me. You will come to enjoy life, and you will thank me one day.”

I could only hope that she would die before that day came since I wouldn’t be allowed, but as my eyes closed and the sound of silence filled my ears, pervading into my very being, I lost the fervor. The emptiness returned, and the ache from years long passed began to build all over again, enough to make me wish for even the most grisly of demises. I knew I wasn’t going to earn my ticket in such a fashion, and I felt in the heart that was being torn asunder that it was the end of me being me, but then acceptance came. It’s laughable. It’s pathetic. It’s painful. It makes me want to cry to know that I was being warped and altered in ways that could only be called humane, and that sickened me because what is a man who has no will of his own? What is a man with no control over his own destiny? What is a man who can never accomplish what he sets out to do? What is a man who is shaped not by his experiences and morals, but the will of another who did not give him life?

Luna stole me from me home. She stole victory from my hands. Stole my dream from me. Stole my life from me. Stole my thoughts and feelings, or rather, the lack thereof for the latter. She raped more than just my mind; she raped my heart, mind, and soul, and it was okay because she made me think it was okay. I know she made me think it was okay, and she can’t take that from me, which means she can’t take the pain she inflicted back. She could take my piece of solace and my soul, my hope and my ways, but she couldn’t take one thing from me, and that was the hatred I held for all living beings that had been buried so deeply that I’d forgotten about it because it had just been more pain to the pile. That hatred filled me along with sorrow, regret, a desire for vindication, and the fire to claim what was rightfully mine.

I spent a long time in a void that was filled with what I’d done my best to avoid for so long, and it was a torturous experience that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, not even Luna, because just as soon as the fire filled my belly, it was quenched, leaving me feeling hollow and overwhelmed at the same time. Nightmares plagued me until I jolted upright in my bed and let loose a roar that made my throat hurt, followed by more cries of outrage until I felt a pair of Pony legs wrap themselves around me. I wanted to make them let go, but I wanted to be held. I wanted to curse them, but I wanted their comfort. I wanted to die, but I feared for my life, and if there’d been anything in my stomach, it wouldn't have stayed there for long.

“Hey now, it’s okay sweetie. I promise it’s okay.” A gentle, buttery smooth, sweeter than sugar voice assuaged softly. “It’ll be okay, so just let it out.”

I leaned into her and wept, ashamed to be showing so much emotion to someone I didn’t know, but the pain didn’t fade, no matter how long I cried. It was a shitty experience that didn’t stop, but the owner of the voice comforted me until I managed to eke out, “Wh-Who are you?”

“My name is Fluttershy, and I’m here for you, okay Remmy? It’s going to be okay.” She said quietly.

“Please kill me.” I begged. “Please,”

“... That’s an awfully permanent solution to temporary pain Remmy.“ She chastised gently, nuzzling me. “I will never lie to you, and I can safely say that you’ll be okay when you stop fighting it. Just let it out and it’ll be over soon enough.” Fluttershy assured me.

I wanted her to be right. I really did.

Quoth The Sun

Celestia looked at Luna and sighed. “If he forgives you, you owe me a bite of your crown.”

“Take it from your own.” Luna said morosely.

“Luna, why? Why do you insist on making life difficult for that man?”

“Life is difficult. Period. I simply made his life the usual kind of difficult instead of his preferred kind of misery.” She replied, staring out over Canterlot from the edge of the balcony.

“Luna, look at me.” Celestia requested.

“I stand by it.”

“There was no crueler thing you could have done to him, and you completely ignored the plan by summoning Fluttershy.”

“She is best suited for putting his heart back together.”

“Luna, look. At. Me.”

Her sister did as she asked and Celestia saw the redness in her eyes. “What.”

“If you did that to somepony else, I would have had you arrested, sister or not. Killing him would have been far kinder than robbing-”

“I do not need you to nag me, Celestia. I. Stand. By. It.”

“Then what do you need me to do, because bucking you in the jaw seems like my favorite course of action right now.” The elder Princess snapped viciously. “I-”

“Silence.” Luna murmured.

Celestia drew herself up to her full height. “Test me.”

Luna closed her eyes for a moment before opening them again, looking at Celestia calmly. “You will not deride me further. You, who have ordered the death of thousands in my absence, erased races for petty crimes, genocided innocents for the crimes of a few, have no room to speak to me of cruel. My crimes were committed for your love, but I do not wish for your approval in this. Red Rum will heal as I have set in his path, and he will love like never before. Your plan was doomed to fail. My plan will work. Accept your loss and get over it.”

Celestia glared at her. “If he hurts Fluttershy-”

“Why would he? It is not who he is anymore.” Luna said sullenly, turning back to look over Canterlot. “I do not foresee Red Rum lashing out in his pain since he cannot. When I do something, at least I do it right.”

Her sister sniffed. “At least I never changed someone like you have.”

“We have used the Elements to do it before. A velvet glove over an iron hoof does little to soften the blow.” The younger of the two said, a distinct ache in her voice. “... If you have nothing worth hearing to say, then I am tired.”

“You deserve this.”

“Stating the obvious does you no favors.”

Celestia blinked back tears. “Luna, I-”

“Save it. I wish to be alone.” She walked off without another word.

The Princess of the Sun looked at the singular star in the sky and sighed. She liked looking at the Sun since she could see the swirling magic within through the brightness and warmth it provided, but this time, she couldn’t help but feel like she was looking at the Moon. Celestia had done her damage control in Remmy’s mind to prevent him from assassinating Luna or anyone else, but she couldn’t help but be frustrated with her sister for making two steps forward and then taking three in the opposite direction: all to enforce her will. Luna had always believed in brute force whereas Celestia was admittedly manipulative, but the main thing she was concerned about was why Luna seemed to be taking her lumps without firing back. Something was wrong with her sister, and she intended to find out, one way or another.

However, for the time being, Celestia had to go make sure that Fluttershy wasn’t getting dragged down along with Red Rum into his pit of emotion. She’d seen similar wells of overwhelming emotion from war prisoners who were getting strapped down in Luna’s former dungeon, but it just made her heart ache to see that the feeling wasn’t going away for Remmy, so she decided to extend him a mercy that Luna evidently didn’t feel was in her plan. A flash of light later saw Celestia standing in Remmy’s room, and she in turn saw Fluttershy rocking Remmy as he refused to calm down. Rather, Celestia doubted that he could until she gleaned a little information, which confirmed her suspicions. She and Fluttershy locked eyes, but the gentle soul only had words for her charge, finding the hurting alien to be far more pertinent than the mare responsible for running the country.

“Fluttershy, Remmy.” Celestia said softly, coming to join the two on Remmy unnecessarily large bed. It was made to fit Minotaur ambassadors and the occasional Dragon noble, so it had to be large.

“Hello, Princess.” Fluttershy replied. “Remmy? Princess Celestia is here.”

He didn’t say anything to that, so Celestia prodded a little further into his mind to see where the pain was. Fluttershy saw her horn come to life and heard the result of her meddling in the decreased volume coming from Remmy. “Red Rum, can I help you at all?”

He hiccupped and sniffled for a few more moments. “... Why?”

“Because this is what healing feels like at first.” Celestia said, her tone taking on the motherly quality that she’d perfected over the course of a few centuries.

“I wanna die, Celestia. I just wanna stop breathing and die.” He choked out.

Fluttershy held him that much tighter and rubbed her muzzle against his cheek. “It’s okay to feel that way, Remmy. It’s okay to want to sleep and never wake up.” She said comfortingly.

“It might be okay, but it’s not right.” Celestia corrected. “We’re going to be here for you until the pain fades, and we’ll be here after to help you pick up the pieces that my foalish sister left behind. You will be okay, my dearest friend.”

Remmy wrapped an arm around Fluttershy and opened his eyes before closing them again to clear them. “... Nothing was better than this, Celestia. The one thing I said I didn’t want is being forced on me.”

“Freedom has its prices.” The far wiser woman replied warmly.

“This is FREE!?” He shouted, letting go of Fluttershy to glare at Celestia. “This is supposed to be good!? Celestia, I just want it to stop! At least before I could go on about my day and pretend, but now? Now I don’t even care how I die, I just wanna go…”

The pain in his eyes broke her heart in little ways, but Luna had been telling the truth when she’d said that Celestia had committed atrocities. She knew that it should have wounded her more deeply to know that Remmy felt worse than before, but she couldn’t bring herself to just put the poor fellow out of his misery all together like she’d done for many before him, even if she could just wipe Fluttershy’s mind and get away with it plain and simple. Without anything else to try, Celestia started singing.

“Fly little blackbird sing your song-” She began softly.

“I swear to God I’ll hurt you if you don’t stop.” Red Rum oathed weakly. “Please don’t do that to me.” He requested, more tears flowing freely.

“I thought you liked that song?”

“You forgot who it’s about.” He answered.

Celestia sidled closer and pressed her body against him, sandwiching the poor human between a plushie and a soft space. “Fair enough. Maybe we can make new songs about what you’re feeling? Getting your heart out of your throat would help you plenty.”

“... Can you just put me to sleep?”

‘Fluttershy looked at Celestia and gave her a pleading look, asking her to fulfill his request with her eyes. “... I can. I love you, Red Rum. Don’t forget that.”

“You barely know me.” He muttered.

“And I love you all the same.” She swore before he went limp against Fluttershy.

“... Princess…” The young mare said softly. “... I-It’s hard to comfort somepony who can’t stop crying.”

“If it’s too hard-”

“No!” Fluttershy said firmly. “Princess Luna trusted me to see Red Rum through to the other side of this, and I can’t let myself walk away from somepony who needs me! We’ll help Red Rum together, it’s just that I’m worried about him. We can’t leave him alone like this, and I need to go back to my animals at some point, but I can’t do that in good conscience.”

“You want to take him back to Ponyville with you.” Celestia stated.

“I-If that’s okay.”

“It’s more up to Luna than myself, Fluttershy. If you leave, then I’ll keep him by my side, so feel free to come and go as you please. Red Rum will be here when you have the time.”

Fluttershy gave her a frustrated look. “Isn’t there somepony who could help him instead of you? I-I really don’t mean to offend, but is Equestria ever not going to be your top priority?”

“It would be unwise to let anything else take that spot, my little pony.” Celestia said solemnly. “What’s your point?”

“I’m willing to devote as much time as I have in a day to helping Remmy, but my friends could do a lot to help him too.”

“... Twilight isn’t like you, Applejack needs to be at Sweet Apple Acres, Rainbow lacks the sensitivity Remmy needs, Rarity, and I’m sorry to say this, but is too self-absorbed to notice when Remmy needs her most, and Pinkie stands a better chance of getting herself hurt than helping him. We don’t know where Remmy’s patience is at right now, and if the wrong pony tries to get close to him, then he’s either going to lash out or withdraw.” Celestia sighed.

“Twilight’s the best mare I’ve ever met at making friends, Celestia. I might have won Discord over, but Twilight brought the Elements together in the first place.” Fluttershy argued gently.

“It can’t be Twilight, Fluttershy.”

“I know you really care for her, but you love Remmy too, Celestia. At least let her try to help him. Golden Oaks never has anypony visit anyway, and Spike moved out last year. She could use somepony to look after.”

“No.”

“... Why not?”

“Because I’ll arrest Red Rum if he hurts Twilight, and that wouldn’t serve him at all.”

Fluttershy gave Celestia a sad look. “Okay… So what do we do?”

“... I don’t know.”

Author's Note

I don't know when I'll release the next chapter since I haven't actually written it, but I'll probably get back to it soon. Here's hoping, yeah?

Chapter Four: Patchwork People

QTW: Patchwork People

Quoth The Wendigo

I’ve always hated edgelords. Grimdark-ass little kids in their early to mid-teens who really don’t know shit about having their brother’s brains fly into their screaming mouths. I doubt many of them were the one of the first ones on the scene when their parents were flung out of their old two-door Ford and into a barbed wire fence. I highly doubt many of them have earned the battle-scars they claim in their online personas, and there’s no chance in Hell that any of them that post pictures of their ‘weapons’ online could actually use the cheap pieces of four-forty shitness. No, I’ve never had respect for Beta-Male Incels because pain and suffering is their name and their game, but they don’t. Know. It’s like going to rehab for drinking too much Sprite. There’s no caffeine in Sprite. Everyone in that facility is going to ride the Sprite addict, which is why edgelords, who don’t deserve a capitalization, suck ass.

This is all build up for a monumental amount of bitching, which is what Celestia asked for in this shitty journal bullshit, so that’s what you’re gonna get you fuckin’ dirty little whore. Yeah, I’m gonna fill you up with my thick, black ink until you’re bursting with words. Slutty ass book.

Anyway, I’m mentioning edgelords and shit because it took me, according to Fluttershy, like, five solid days to stop crying, and even then I twitched at the slightest shadow to the point where we had every curtain in the room drawn at all times so passing Pegasi wouldn’t freak me the fuck out. I felt like I had to keep my eyes open so nothing would sneak up on me, but the longer I kept my eyes open, the more tired I got. As I grew more and more tired, my eyes would naturally close and I’d doze off and fucking BAM!! Robert’s face painted mine. Rinse and repeat a few times with the image of Mom and her death rattles, or Dad’s last words before he breathed his last breath, or…

God… This was a lot easier when I was repressing these memories. I don’t want to write about it. I don’t want to talk about it. I told Celestia yesterday exactly how I felt: I just want to die, and now there’s nothing else in my heart other than that. A small part of me still wanted to leave a pretty corpse, but that illogical reasoning was being beaten back consistently with the powerful attraction of not having to worry about it anymore. As novel as Fluttershy’s softness was, I just didn’t care. I wanted her to leave me alone more than anything in the world, but that utterly base fear of being alone just…

Luna left me so, so very… Vulnerable, is an adequate. I suppose I still had the physical capacity to do whatever it was I wanted to get done, but I was already dehydrated by the second day of non-stop sobbing and there wasn’t much consuming of anything going on. I just… At least when I was empty there were things that tickled me. Things that reminded me of good feelings that made it less of a struggle to smile. The Ponies, for one. They were so cute a few days ago, but now…? Well, they’re still fucking adorable, but I don’t want to spend all day petting one anymore… Other than the cunt who tore me apart in the first place.

It’s sick… The… Hatred is what I felt for Katrina. For years I hated that woman for stabbing my brother in the back and taking the only person who actually wanted to look after me away. That hate got buried pretty damn deep, but I remember it now. I feel it all over again, but that’s not the gift Luna gave me. She… I was crazy before. I’ve done a lot of crazy shit. Something inside of me is so broken right now that I can feel it inside of my chest and it burns. Every breath I take is like having a datura seed that was coated in it’s own juices crammed into a cavity right next to my heart that’s supposed to be the size of an Altoid.

I’ve never used ‘yearn’ in a sentence, but I yearn for Luna’s complete and utter obliteration. I want her downfall to be recorded in the annals as the bloodiest, most unnecessarily inhumane, sickest shit that has ever gone down on this God-for-fucking-saken planet. Nothing would satisfy me more than to see her celibacy broken in front of her subjects at the hands of whoever the fuck she despises most. Anything. Any. Little. Mishap. In any way the Universe would strike against her for what she did, I. Will. Revel.

And then I’ll probably spend the next week trying to kill myself so I can comfort her and tell her that it’s all okay in the fuck mothering afterlife… God… Good fucking God… I’ve been awake for the last two or three days, but I just haven’t really done or said anything other than try to make my bawling fucking bitchass bitchmade bitchboi eyebitches to stop streaming bitchy little drops of pure bitch.

Quoth The Moon

Luna rose from her bed, the same dull ache in her hooves present as it had been the day before. The deeper cuts in her forelegs reopened as she tried to stretch the strain of stress and tightness of emotional turmoil out of her muscles. Her efforts to help Red Rum had done little to assist either of them in any way, shape, form, or fashion as of yet, but in her heart, she still knew that she’d made the right choice in unlocking her Familiar’s emotions. While her success should have brought her at least some portion of happiness, Luna found that there just wasn’t enough air in the room for an Alicorn. The feeling of near suffocation was persistent and a little disorienting, but she’d fought her way through too many mind-rending spells to let a little discomfort deter her from doing her duties.

Still, heavy hooves trode the well-beaten path to the Dining Hall with considerably less enthusiasm then Luna had thought possible, even while truly realizing the depth of the pain Red Rum inflicted in the flank, and not the good kind of pain that hurts just right with every step. No, he was more like a Ponicillin shot after a nasty Tersetus Infection: He went in one cheek and hurt both during entry and removal, but neither more so than when he was just in there, spewing his utter nonsense. However, Luna missed the sound of his monotone voice. She missed how he always had something to say, and she was almost coming to miss the way his ‘hands’ felt in her mane, though he could keep them to himself as far as anything below the neck was concerned.

And yet she had a sneaking suspicion that he was going to spit in her face the second he saw her. She’d left him the most traditional, most disrespectful way of letting someone know that they were sick of one’s shit as a way for him to express his discontent, though she wouldn’t be surprised if he just didn’t talk to her. It was just a matter of time, though. It was all just a matter of time before Red Rum’s stubbornness gave way to forgiveness, though Luna hated that she’d had to play so dirty to assure the future safety of her Familiar. No one ever likes to stoop if they have half decent morals, and the Princess of the Night liked to think that she still had some morals that were unshakable.

Hoofily ignoring all passing staff members and guards, Luna made her way and entered the Dining Hall without a word having been spoken by or to her since she’d woken up. While she despised that her guards had probably heard her cry herself to sleep over the fact that Red Rum was taking longer to pull out of his rock-bottom state than he should’ve been, the slightest hope rose up in her when she saw that her victim was already staring at her when she opened the door with Magic. He wasn’t glaring, glowering, leering, sneering, or showing any outward signs of aggression toward her. His breathing seemed perfectly normal: not too fast, not too slow, and not too even. There wasn’t even a trace of emotion in his eyes.

Just…

Empty.

Luna’s jaw dropped slightly, hanging open as her hindquarters sagged to the floor. Blinking was a thing of the past while the Co-Ruler considered what the buck she was looking at. “... R-Red Rum?”

He stared.

“U-Um… Y-Y-Your Majesty?” Fluttershy interrupted softly.

Numb, Luna turned to the tiny yellow Mare and nodded twice.

“H-He… He hasn’t said anything… Not for a long time.”

The significantly larger, generally more attractive Alicorn turned back to her familiar. “I…”

The Pegasus looked at Red Rum and his ‘Mistress’ respectively. “P-Pr-Princess?” Luna picked herself up and plodded over to the Human as Fluttershy asked, “Wh-What are you doing?”

Luna sat in the second closest seat to Remmy, watching carefully as he turned to keep his eyes on her. “R-Remmy?”

He stared.

Hesitant to go anywhere near his mind again, Luna grit her teeth harder than her dentist recommended, which is why she’s gone through three grind-guards in the last year, but that’s not the focus here. “... Remmy… Are you even in there anymore?” She asked softly, her heart severing arteries just so it could reach past her larynx and box with her tonsils.

He stared.

Dinner was already in progress due to Luna’s tardiness in getting out of bed and her choice to physically walk to the Dining Hall, but nothing on the table looked good to the Mare. Every entree, every little piece of fruit, loaf of bread, vegetable, and herb looked like it may as well have been one of the memories that had backlashed and ran rampant through her mind when she’d attempted to ‘fix’ Red Rum. Between looking at a stranger’s mangled corpse dangling over a soup ladle and the jelly with an eye in it, Luna’s appetite was well and truly gone, and everyone in the room knew the only person she had to blame was herself.

Guilt branded itself into her expression every time Luna cast a glance at Remmy to the point where Fluttershy, of all ponies, had to say something. “P-Princess Luna? C-Can I talk to you for a moment?” She looked away the second she had Luna’s attention. “I-In p-pr-pr-”

“Yes.” Luna replied, her voice gravelly and tired.

Both of them rose from their chairs and Luna lead the way out, which would have been a mistake if Fluttershy was a violent kind of Pony, though those are few and far between in Equestria anyway. She did, however, have a helluva knack for nagging. “Princess Luna, do you think you’re helping right now?” Fluttershy asked sternly.

If Luna was looking at her, the Stare might’ve worked. Instead, Luna was looking back toward the Dining Hall, shuffling her throbbing hooves. “Can you say for certain that I am hurting?”

“It’s a buckin’ good guess!” Flutters shouted near the top of her lungs, almost reaching regular conversation volume in a decently filled restaurant.

“Mind your language.” She replied absent-mindedly.

For one, being half Luna’s size while sopping wet with bricks in her saddlebags did Flutters no favours. For two,while Luna liked and respected Fluttershy, she was dealing with the fact that she’d possibly caused a complete Ego Death that her familiar wasn’t recovering from properly. Still, one would have to give the gal an ‘A’ for Effort. “Oooh! Princess, I know you’re sorry, but this is a lot worse than any-thing I can think of! I don’t know how you broke his brain, but you said it’s your fault! Should you, of all ponies, really be around right now!?” Fluttershy asked, her concern and compassion for the husk of a man in the other room pummeling her shyness into submission with hugs, kisses, and sweet gumdrops.

“There has to be another way…” Luna murmured more to herself than to anyone else.

“Oh no. No. No! Celestiaaa!!” Fluttershy skittered off as fast as she could while Luna followed at a far more sedate pace, trying to hatch some kind of scheme that she could employ to return Remmy back to his strange, oddly amusing self.

Upon arrival in the Dining Hall, she was shocked to see that her Familiar was gone while Celestia and Fluttershy were both glaring at her with a vengeance. “... I assure you, I-”

“Touch him and I swear to Solaire, Luna…” Celestia seethed.

“Haven’t you done enough!?” Fluttershy cried, tears threatening to fall from her eyes.

It wasn’t what Luna wanted to hear. It wasn’t something she thought she needed to hear, and thus took their words as many people would’ve when they’ve reached a certain level of desperation.

She took it to heart.

Quoth The Sun

Celestia knew that they’d made the right choice, but had gone about it in a bad way when Luna teleported out of the Dining Hall without having eaten a thing. Fluttershy had been able to coax an orange and a lemon into Red Rum (Who knew Wendigoes liked citrus?), but he only ate a few slices of each before arranging them in an odd pattern that had no repetition to it at all. The most they’d gotten him to say in forty hours had been ‘Hm.’, which was monosyllabic and barely even counts as a word in the Equish dictionary, so Celestia and Fluttershy had agreed to set the bar a little higher.

However, the moment Celestia opened her mouth to say something to Fluttershy shortly after Luna’s abrupt departure, Red Rum sang, ”RRRRAAAAAAAA!!” as sweetly as he could.

That is to say, Fluttershy squealed like a filly less than a quarter her age on top of nearly wetting herself while Celestia caught sight of Red Rum grasping his head as he lost his fucking mind. At a canter fit for a Mare who spends her spare time trying to figure out how to streamline every process she can, Celestia crossed the room in a heartbeat and skidded to a stop next to Remmy, worried that the screaming was going to start again. As with most insane people, one could generally tell if they were going to snap by looking into their eyes, and what Celestia saw in Red Rum’s eyes when he opened them after nearly ten minutes of silence surprised her more than seeing that he was soon to be in the process of doing it again.

He was surprised.

“The fuck.” He mumbled.

“... Remmy?” Celestia asked tenderly, ruffling her wing against him. “How are you feeling?”

The Human gave her a funny look. “Damn, this is some good shit. DMT?”

“Dee em tee?” Celestia repeated slowly, giving Remmy an odd look as he stroked her neck.

His mouth opened and his brows raised, which appeared to mean that he was smiling. “Holy shit, you’re so soft! What are you, like, the Goddess of Whorses or something? You’re friggin’ adorable!” A hug soon followed as ‘Remmy’ giggled.

Celestia turned to look at Fluttershy like she was the multi-millennia old being. Fluttershy shrugged because she was even more lost and the Princess cleared her throat. “Um… Remmy? Are you feeling okay, Dear?”

For some odd reason, he started looking around, eyes wide as he took in the somewhat simplistic elegance of the Dining Hall. “Shit, I’m feelin’ fine, Unisi. Pegacorn. Look, I dunno if you’re actually a person or something, but I’m super fucked up right now.” He chuckled.

“Pr-Princess? Wh-What does that mean?”

‘Remmy’ turned and gave his attention to Fluttershy, who’d escaped noticed until that point. His mouth hung agape once more and his words slurred together as he said them. “Ohmyfuckin’gawd-she’ssocute!” Without warning, he took off toward Fluttershy at a light jog, kneeling down to be exactly at eye level with her. A big smile adorned ‘Remmy’s’ face as he poked her breast. “And you’re so soft! Awww yeessh, this is gonna be the best trip ever!”

“... Remmy, y-you’re scaring me.” Fluttershy started to back away.

He raised his hands slowly, opening his mouth for a moment before looking behind him. There was barrel, and that barrel was white, belonging to a Mare taller than the Human when he stood. Of course it was Celestia, so he pointed up at her and over at Fluttershy in turn. “Wait, my name’s Anon. Why do you keep calling me ‘Remmy’?”

“I knew you were using a fake name, but substituting it for another is beneath you, and frankly so is acting.” Celestia said frostily, leaning down to make sure that retribution was clearly marked on the path ahead. If Remmy’s game continued, then she was sure that she could find a suitable, ponane punishment for him.

Anon met Celestia’s gaze with fear in his eyes, but it wasn’t because he’d been caught. He ran a finger across the inside of his cheek and saw blood from where he’d pierced flesh. Swallowing hard, he asked in the most careful of voices. “This isn’t DMT, is it?”

Her gaze softened as she realized what was going through Anon’s mind. “You think you’re high on some kind of drug right now, don’t you?”

“I mean, DMT, but yeah.” He admitted. “It’s kinda the super hallucinogen, so I’m gonna need like forty to fifty minutes before I believe a Goddamn word that comes out of your adorable, huggable self.” He blinked. “Oh yeah, um… Sorry for getting handsy back there if you actually… Y’know… Happen to be real?” His shrug couldn’t have been much more awkward, but at least his apologetic smile was genuine.

Celestia looked to Fluttershy again and shook her head, taking the lead. “... Anon, was it?”

“Yeah, Anonymous.”

“Anonymous? That’s nicer than Anon.” She complimented carefully.

Anon gave her an odd look. “It’s also four syllables long and my middle name’s even dumber.”

“You have three names?”

“Anonymous Anonymity Anonymoneymous.”

“... That’s a mouthful.”

“Yeah… So… I don’t feel a body high, so we’re just going to assume that I’m insane at this point. Gonna go ahead and call it.” He nodded.

Celestia raised a hoof and bonked him softly. “Did that feel real?”

“Fucking yes. Even if you’re a hallucination, you’re wearing a metal shoe! Have some consideration, magic talking whorse!”

Fluttershy gasped. “A-Anon!”

“Yeah, Buttercup?” He replied easily.

“Y-You can’t call the Princess a whorse!”

Anon looked at Celestia. “If you’re not a magic horse, then are you an overgrown pony?”

“Ah, I forgot about your world’s versions of Ponies and the different meaning behind ‘whorse’. It’s a slur here, for the record.”

“Shit. My bad.”

“You’re fine. A mistake made in ignorance is not one to be taken to heart.”

“But are you promiscuous?”

“Pfft.” Celestia brayed, rolling her eyes. “Some Mares run a country, you know. That tends to leave little time for promiscuity.”

Anon pointed at Fluttershy. “Does she help you run the country of Ponies?”

“In a manner of speaking, yes. She’s helped on numerous occasions.”

“Ah, that’s pretty cool, then. Are there ponies that are fluffier than you two out there?”

“Of course.”

“Sweet! Man, I can’t wait to meet one. You two are pretty great, but I’m looking for someone in red or blue, y’know?”

Celestia blinked slowly. “... Does the name Luna mean anything to you?”

“It’s a cute name.”

“And that’s all?”

“Pretty much. It’d be a cute name for a little girl or a Princess.”

“It’s funny you should mention that!” Celestia said, already putting together pieces of a plot. “What do you say I escort you to the Court Hall after you have a snack so you can meet the biggest, bluest, most in-need-of-a-hug pony in the whole castle?”

“Is she an alien?”

“Who said it was a Mare?”

“Well, I haven’t seen a guy yet, so I kinda assumed that I was on a planet of female equines. Y’know. Because drugs.”

Celestia bonked him even softer this time. “This is not a hallucination-”

“You see, when you say that, it makes me want a hug because that means that I’m not on my planet anymore, and that also means that I just lost my fucking job, which was a good job. It’s hard to get in at the DMV, dammit!”

The Princess gave him a sad, confused look. “Rem- Or rather, Anon; You’ve been in Equestria for close to a week now. You were quite intent on harming yourself when you arrived.”

Anon gave her a look. “As long as I don’t die ugly, I guess. I’d rather leave a pretty cadaver, if you get the sentiment at all.”

“I do not, but I’d like to know if you’re still intending on ending your own life.”

“Tch, there’s no real reason for me to actively go at it right now other than the fact that I’m probably going to start missing my fiance soon. Even then, I’d rather go out with a bang, and you guys don’t have fingers.”

“Exactly, so enjoy the life you have.” Celestia nuzzled him and he reached up to fondle her ears, eliciting a noise of approval from her. “Oh, that’s rather pleasant.”

Anon rubbed the base of her ear and earned a kinder nicker for his efforts. “For a sentient creature, your fur sure is soft.”

“What does Philapathy have anything to do with anything?”

“I dunno, I just didn’t think things that could talk were supposed to be as soft and cute as a Unicorn and a little Pegasus.”

“Thank you, but I’m an Alicorn and we sapient creatures cover the planet in all shapes and sizes, you know.”

“Pfft. If this isn’t all one vivid-ass trip, then I’ll suck your pointy-ass horn down to the base.”

Celestia’s cheeks pinkened considerably as Fluttershy gave up on consciousness and fainted at the level of pure treason Anon had just committed. “... I beg your pardon?”

“Deep throatin’, baby.” The Human replied sexfully, like he was ready to do sex at the drop of a pube.

“I can always hit you harder.” Celestia deadpanned, her face nearly completely red.

Anon licked his lips and ran a hand down her jugular groove before trailing a finger back up the same way it had come down, this time without its friends. “A little slap just makes the tickle that much nicer~”

Her blush spread down her neck at what would have been an alarming rate should anypony other than Anon been in the room. “As cute as your advances are,” He rose, but not to his full height, settling on one knee so he could press his ear against Celestia’s breast, “they’ll get you nowhere very quickly. Nowhere also happens to be under the castle in a cell for a day, so mind your manners.”

“Sure.” He replied, his voice muted in some form of admiration or awe. The Princess had heard the tone often enough from her subjects during pretty much anything she did, but not even the select lovers she’d taken had ever mentioned anything about her heartbeat.

“Anon? Is there a reason you’re listening to my heart?”

“... It sounds familiar.” His voice was barely above a whisper as he carefully placed his hands on Celestia’s shoulders, almost as if he was trying to get as close as he could to the noisiest of her vital organs.

“You might’ve heard it before in the last few days. You’ve been in need of comfort, though I see you’re feeling better.”

“Mhm.”

…

A minute passed without Anon moving so much as an inch, and Fluttershy was stirring from where she’d gracefully passed the buck out. Without anything to do at the moment, Celestia chose to see what Anon was up to, but she couldn’t actually see much since Pony. Big Pony, but still Pony. However, Pony have Magic so Pony use Magic, and with her Scrying Spell, Celestia was able to see that Anon had his eyes closed with a peaceful, contented smile on his face that warmed her heart to see. After so many days of pointless turmoil, it was a kiss to her ‘Warm and Fuzzy’ glands that filled her with the sensation tenfold, which is why she generally makes a point of being nice.

Fluttershy awoke completely and Celestia sent her off with a telepathic message, instructing her to go to bed so the elder Mare could take care of business with their newly less-depressed. It wasn’t as if Celestia wanted all the credit; no, that wasn’t it at all. She’d seen the tiredness and the confusion in Fluttershy’s eyes and figured it was just better to send her off rather than have her ruin a peaceful moment.

Quoth The Wendigo

Celestia wants me to write so I guess I’ll write. No real reason not to, and plus I get to snuggle some more if I hurry the fuck up and make it decent, so here goes nothing, right?

So I don’t want to cover what happened when I first lost my memories because a man has his fucking pride, and I’ll be damned if I go into detail about how I thought Celestia and Flutters were stuffed animals that walked and talked. I mean, they’re colorful enough to be whatever-the-fuck kinda aliens they wanna be, but my vote is for Ponies because d’awww! I mean, they are adorable, but I have the general impression that Celestia finds that more amusing than flattering while Fluttershy is pretty okay with being thought of as smile-on-sight levels of cute.

Anyway, I spent my first night cuddled up with Celestia, my head next to her breast while she acted like a giant stuffed animal that was also warm and more squish than floof. I mean, she was plenty floof, but definitely more squish, which was nice. It made for a different type of snuggle that made me feel like I was kinda cheating on my fiance, but I didn’t really give a damn since she cheats on me whenever she feels like it. I figured that a little snoozing with a woman who wasn’t actually a woman would be perfectly fine as long as I didn’t wake up from the trip dick deep in a horse.

Oh, make no mistake: even as I was physically feeling the difference in the world around me, I still just thought I was high until morning came when Celestia made me wake the fuck up so I could go and see something fucking amazing, From a dead sleep, Sunbutt gently shook me to the waking world. “Anon? It’s time to get up.”

I took a deep breath and my nose filled with the scent of vanilla cake. “Mmm, breakfast cake.”

Celestia chuckled and gently started pushing me away from her. “We can have breakfast cake if you hurry to awaken. Your new clothes should be finished today, so you can wear those instead of that dapper suit.”

I weaseled my way back in between her forelegs so I could nuzzle her for a moment before doing as she asked. After clambering off of the bed, I started stretching, thankful for having had the foresight to leave the jacket and tie on a chair nearby so I could actually be comfortable in the night. It wouldn’t have been weird at all for Celestia to be watching me if she wasn’t doing it with a little smile, but it’s not like it bothered me. Few enough things do besides the color yellow (Other than Fluttershy. Butter yellow is fine.), but I still maintain an appreciation for the finer things in life, such as warm, fuzzy Ponies that like to snuggle.

Sure, I suppose I could have freaked out about being on a different planet than my fiance, but I was pretty sure that she was going to break up with me soon anyway, so meh. Other than that, did I really have that many reasons to freak out? I mean, the food was good, the ruling Princess liked me enough for cuddles, there were plenty of cute things to pet and hug, and I even got to wash up in a tub made for a Pony the size of a horse to relax in. Granted, I had to bathe with Celestia because she didn’t want to waste time taking separate baths, which I found odd. However, I didn’t say anything until we got into the bubbly tub.

There was plenty of room for both of us, so after giving myself a bubble hat, I asked, “Doesn’t it bother you that you’ve seen my willy? I mean, don't Ponies have sheaths for ‘em?”

Celestia looked on in amusement as she watched me apply bubbles so my face. “I believe I’ve seen enough of them for the novelty to have worn off by now. May I ask why you’re playing with the bubbles?”

“Well, I gotta keep myself entertained somehow, and I doubt you want a full body hug right now. I dunno how good you’d feel while wet anyway.” I paused and stared directly at her. “Well, I think you’d prefer being wet over being dry given insertion circumstances-”

“Hush and bathe, you little deviant.” Celestia huffed playfully, knowing my words to have been an afterthought.

I washed behind my ears and stood up in the tub, the water still covering me from the navel down so I could go sit next to Celestia. Underwater, her fur was something a little odd since it felt less ‘smooth’ and more ‘slick’, like there was oil in the bath, but it was still pleasant to the touch. Of course I washed myself so I wouldn’t be Smelly McSmellerson, though I mostly just wanted to rub myself up on Celestia to get the soap lathering. She found it odd that I wanted to wash her back and she flat out refused to let me wash her wings, stating that it was supposed to be an intimate gesture above many others to Ponies. I took that in stride and still got to help her wash her mane, which was fucking. Awesome. Have you ever touched wet strands of gossamer? I swear, her mane slid between my finger like it was more effervescent than the air itself, barely tethered to her head by its roots. I wanted a lock of it for myself, but you know what they say about beauty and flowers n’ shit.

Once I rinsed my hair off and she did her mane, Celestia asked, “So, Anon. Does it not bother you to be in the bath with a female? I know some races are very modest, especially the Primeapes.”

I shrugged. “If you looked more like me, I would probably mind more, but I don’t really think of you as like, an option, you know?”

She smiled at that for some reason. “That’s reassuring to hear, as you may well know. I’d doubted that you found me attract-” I kissed her weird horsey-horse lips and pulled back. “Anon, the buck.”

“I wanted to know what it was like.” I replied, scratching my head. “Not bad. Needed more tongue.”

Celestia stared at me, her cheeks slightly pink and her expression a little more amused than it had been before. “When we go to breakfast, I want you to kiss the blue Pony for as long as she’ll let you.”

“Sure, why not? You’ll help me out if she’s mad, right?”

“Maybe.”

“Good enough.” I leaned up against her.

She gave me an odd look. “... We need to get out sometime, Anon.”

I tried to bray, making a horsey-horse noise. “Fine.” Making she she got an eyeful of my shiny tan-line having ass (My booty was made for speedos. Don’t be jealous), and I made sure to be as retarded as I could while drying off. Celestia just chuckled and got out herself, but she just used some crazy cool Magic to dry herself off rather than using a towel. Once I was dressed in some nice khakis and a maroon blazer with a white shirt underneath, we went to a strange room that had an arched ceiling and a lot of awesome marble columns. There was a Sun motif on the floor and a Moon mosaic on the ceiling, which were both magnificently made out of coloured marble and granites that shone and sparkled with the magical lights in the room. The balcony that lead outside showed that it was still dark, but when Celestia stepped into the center of the Sun circle and told me to stand back, awe was the wrong word for it.

Celestia took off her jewelry and shoes before she slowly began glowing, her white fur taking on more of a golden radiance as she levitated off of the floor, her horn and eyes glowing with a divine power that left my jaw on the floor and my bones vibrating with the sheer energy in the room. Before my very eyes, the Sun started poking out behind the horizon while great golden tendrils seemed to raise out of the land and everything that appeared to be made of natural materials. Before I knew it, I was on the balcony, watching as all of Equestria lent its strength to turning the world for yet another day, making time carry on as it should have. Far sooner than they’d appeared, the tendrils shattered and dissipated into the air, but the energy didn’t stay in the fog-like haze it formed over Canterlot. No, it started drawing itself toward the castle, toward Celestia, and while I was in its way, toward me.

Now, it was a bad idea to stand in the way of thousands upon thousands of creatures worth of Magic since I didn't have any that anyone knew of, but lo’ and behold! Dumbass O’Shitfer-Brian (I know how I spelled that) just decided to stop and stare~ I felt like moving but I went nowhere~ Yeah I knew that everyone gets scared~, but I know for sure I’m a dummy~ Or in other words, I got blasted in the face with a fuckton of raw Magic that knocked me out cold and required a fifteen minute nap to get over. Waking up to Celestia nuzzling me was nice because her nose is soft, so I just reached up and rubbed her ears for a sec.

“Hey there~” I crooned dreamily.

She snorted and kissed my forehead. “I see you’re okay. I’m taking it that you don’t have any Magic of your own.”

“Nah.” I sighed.

“Of course not. How was it, absorbing some of the Magic meant for little old me?”

“Good. It was good.” I smiled up at her before giving her a smooch on the snoot and getting up. “How long was I out?”

“Nearly twenty minutes, by my estimations, but that’s not terrible. You should be fine once the Magic starts dissipating from your system. Would you care to go to breakfast?”

I got up and re-buttoned my blazer. “Sounds good to me. What do Ponies eat for breakfast, anyway?”

“The same things we eat for dinner, but in the morning.” She answered, her voice monotone and her long face unamused.

“... Seriously?”

Celestia grinned. “No, I’m kidding. We often have typical Human breakfast foods, though I advise you stay away from the flower sausage and anything too spikey for you too eat.”

I made a face. “Well damn, there goes durian and sea urchin.”

“Both can be supplied to you if you kiss the blue Pony back to being happy.”

“On which set of lips?”

My joke went a little too far and Celestia leveled a heated glare at me. “That’s not funny.”

“Can I hug her while kiss her?”

“I encourage you to do so.” Celestia stepped into the shiny golden shoes she’d taken off during the sunrise thing and levitated her crown and necklace over to her. “Would you be so kind as to held me with my trinkets? It shouldn’t prove to be a difficult task.”

“Sure, why not?” I replied, doing as she asked. The clasp was beyond simple, being just two hooks that seemed like they wouldn’t come apart with too much ease. “I’m sure you’ve done this yourself a thousand times before though.”

“A little more than that, but yes, you’re correct. I just wanted to know if you’d be willing to help me for little to no reason other than the fact that I asked nicely.”

I nuzzled her because I knew she’d let me. “D’aww, you’re so cute when you’re being manipulative and sketchy!”

She tapped one of my shins with her hoof, which wasn’t too bad, but still kinda sucked. “I might be manipulative, but that’s only because I’m beautiful. I’m sure you’re manipulative as well with your Human women.”

With a hearty scoff, I followed as Celestia lead the way out of the room, stroking her wing with my fingertips. She turned to see what I was doing every once in awhile whenever I touched one of her wing-joints, but I still had her attention when I spoke. “I’m not bad looking, but it’s mostly my body that gets me attention. Women love a man with definition.”

“Ah, if only I didn’t know exactly how you felt. Many stallions see my sister and I as two sides of the perfect mare. Whereas she’s sleek, toned, and perfectly capable of bucking a tooth or two into next week, many stallions appreciate my curves and have trouble keeping their eyes in decent places while walking behind me. The same goes for Luna, but I catch more of my guards and hers than she does.”

“You probably hope to catch more of them. What is your necklace thing, anyway?”

Celestia blushed a little and giggled. “It’s a peytral, and I’m sure I just happen to look more often because I expect it more often. Luna doesn’t particularly care as long as ponies are doing their jobs.”

“Luna? Is she the blue Pony I’m supposed to be kissing?”

“She sure is. My sister is supposed to be rivaled only by myself and our niece in her beauty, so you could choose a worse Pony to give a little peck to by far.” She turned and winked at me, stopping before two big doors that lead outside of her bedroom and into a big waiting room. “Would you prefer to walk to breakfast, or would you like to teleport?”

“Tepelortation!” I thrust the hand I wasn’t keeping on Celestia into the air, snatching victory by the halo.

I earned an odd look for my theatrics. “You’re quite the goose amongst ducklings, you know this, right?”

“Es lo que es, mamacita. Are we doing the time warp again?”

“While you could technically say that teleporting is warping time, it would be inaccurate. I would say ‘Let’s do the space warp again.’, though I’d correct the grammar, of course.”

“Are you trying to figure out how much of your tail I can shove up your butt? Because we can test that.”

“We can test how many of your fingers we can ‘shove’ up yours, if you like.” Celestia scoffed.

“All of them, duh. Human butts can stretch given plenty of time and lube.”

“Pffft.” Celestia snorted in pure mirth. “I think that goes for all butts, Anon.”

The guards that were standing on the other side of the doors we’d walked through both choked on their own saliva when they heard their Princess talk about butts as casually as could be with a guy who was walking around in super comfy socks. Celly didn’t comment on it, so neither did I. “Oh, that’s good to hear. I heard cat butts were especially tight.”

“Are you intending on finding out?”

“Don’t cats lick their own butts? I don’t want to sound odd, but I doubt that I’d like to lick the butt of a creature that already licks its own butt.”

Celestia looked at me with a little smile and used the Sparkly Eyes Technique. “What if I told you that all Ponies lick their flanks as a part of daily hygiene?”

I heard some more choking and decided to play along. “Well, now I just regret being so free with my lips while we were in the tub. I never once saw you wash your muzzle thingy. Lips. Butteater.”

She swung her head and made me stumble. “Ponies don’t lick their butts, silly.”

I gave her an odd, doubtful look. “Right.”

Quoth The Moon

Nopony had told Luna that her heart wouldn’t stop hurting when she’d kept making mistakes. She’d always been able to take them in stride and learn from them in the past, but the aches in her forehooves where her dagger had parted fur and flesh reminded her that there was one mistake that she was having trouble moving on from. Well, there was one that she’d always had trouble moving on from, and now there was a new one. As far as she knew, Anon officially hated her beyond words and was broken beyond report, which was all her fault. On top of that, Luna had no way of knowing if she could ever fix her mistakes, so she resolved to cut a little deeper next tiem to make the pain go away.

At least if it hurt on her legs, it didn’t hurt so bad in her heart.

Trudging to the Dining Hall was easier said than done, so she just teleported and cast higher-grade illusions that she knew would actually trick Celestia if she wasn’t looking that hard. All Luna could do was hope that she’d be left alone to suffer and come out of her spiral on her own, but when she saw that Fluttershy was already in the room, she had her doubts about whether or not it would benefit her to stay in the first place. However, the remorseful look that crossed her face when their eyes met intrigued Luna enough to make the mare expend her waning energy reserves to go sit next to Fluttershy.

The younger mare had a hard time looking at Luna, but the Alicorn had no such issue with looking at her in turn. “Fluttershy.” Luna said softly.

“Eep!” Fluttershy squealed. “Pr-Princess, I-I-”

“Thank you for taking Rummy’s side yesterday. I was foolish to think that tampering with his emotions would have done him any good.” Luna confessed softly.

Fluttershy stopped flinching away from the Princess of the Night and actually looked at her for once. “O-Oh…”

“... How is he?” She asked tentatively.

“Um… Celestia said he’s doing better but…. Um… He lost some memories after you left yesterday.”

“He did what?”

“H-He-” The doors to the dining hall opened and Anon silenced Fluttershy and Luna simply by stepping into the room with Celestia, smiling and laughing.

The blue Alicorn’s jaw dropped and she numbly started walking toward the Human until he laid eyes on her. With a smile she’d never seen on his face before, he cantered over to her before grabbing her face like a mad stallion and kissing her like she’d never been kissed before because Humans didn’t exist on her planet prior to Anon. Duh. She was so stunned by the sudden change of events that she just didn’t know how to react to the Humans small, soft little lips and his odd little tongue that tasted vaguely of coffee for some odd reason. Her larger Pony tongue eventually found its way into his mouth, the natural feeling of being kissed taking Luna over for a moment as she gave into the insanity of the moment before she snapped back to reality and whacked Anon in the side for springing the unwanted intimacy on her.

“Th-Th-Thou uncouth HEATHEN!!! How dareth thou wrest our lip-locked chastity from us during a moment of weakness!?” Luna boomed, quickly turning bright red while Anon rubbed his side.

“Aww, you even sound cute.” He gave her a disarming smile.

There was a rapid splattering and the smell of blueberries filled the room. “... I’m going to trample you.” Luna oathed quietly.

Anon gave her a nice hug that Luna didn’t want, but still returned for a reason she didn’t quite understand. “Please don’t. I didn’t mean to turn you red.”

Luna let her chin rest on Anon’s shoulder and let her anger go without further impetus. “... I’m sorry, Rummy.”

“Name’s Anon, but you’re good anyway. Apparently I was a sad sack of shit before this, so silver linings and all that, right?”

“... Right.” She sniffled.

He hugged her tighter and stroked her mane. “Hey now, don’t get all teary and shit on me. I’m not good with crying girls, and you’re more like an old woman, which I’m-” Luna hit him on his other side. “Ow, but don’t cry, okay? I’m okay, you’re okay, Oklahoma’s literally O.K. it’s all okay.”

“What is an Oklahoma?” Luna asked, letting go of Anon with a little confusion since he seemed to be perfectly fine, if not still odd as all get out.

“It’s a shitty place where the wind comes sweeping down the plains with a lot of trailers en tow, but the most important question you could be asking right now is, ‘How good was that kiss, Anon? Because it was super good for me~’.” The mockery of her voice was completely unnecessary, and quite inaccurate, if either of the Celestial Sisters had anything to say about it.

Luna blushed again and gave him a flat look. “I almost liked it better when you talked less, though it is good to see you in higher spirits.”

Anon gave her another hug that she returned against her will, though she didn’t regret the action. It felt rather right, after all. “Ah, well it’s nice to see someone as blue as you. Your fur’s softer than Celestia’s, you know that?”

The sisters traded a look and Luna turned back to Anon. “... Are you sure about that?”

“I’m the one with the hands, so yeah.”

“If thou sayeth so.” She responded awkwardly. “So…”

“Goo-Ponee!” The Human stroked Luna’s mane. “Goo-Poneee!” He hugged her and peppered her cheek with little kisses. “Muh. Goo. Widdwe. Po. Nee.”

“... Holy Tartarus, he is even worse!” Luna cried piteously, prying her Familiar off of her.

“But you’re such a good Pony! You deserve the best cuddles!”

“We hath literally shattered thine frail mortal mind and bequeathed the curse of amnesia unto thee!”

“Oooh, the accent kinda sexy. Do it again!”

The Princesses traded another look and Celestia shrugged, being of absolutely no help whatsoever. “... Um… I would rather not. Does it really not bother you-”

“What was my relationship status when I originally got here?” Anon asked casually.

Luna blinked. “... You said you’d been single for a year, though you’d lacked a serious relationship for two.”

“Ah, so the cunt dumped me. Probably robbed me too.” He scratched his chin. “Job status?”

“You… were fired from the ‘Deeyem Vee’?”

“Man, fuck. Really was a good job, too. Great holidays. Mental state upon arrival?”

Luna blinked. “You called it a... sueycide attempt, I believe.”

“Pfft, if that’s the fuckin’ case, then lemme tell ya right now that I ain’t goin’ back ta that shit. No job, no girl, no family… Like, I mean, I could go on, but at what point does bitchin’ just become verbal cryin’?”

“I’m… I’m sorry that you’re going through this all over again…” She murmured remorsefully, but then there was a disturbance in the force that made her glare at Anon with the intent to both maim and maybe eviscerate a little. Nothing too bad; just enough to smart in the morning the week after. “Stop planning what you’re planning.”

Anon stepped a little closer to her. “Hi there.”

Luna walked away from him and sat at her side of the table, all of her early anguish and aches forgotten and replaced with the fires of irritation and agitation in the wake of her Familiar’s perfect performance of pestering. However, despite having just been told that everything he’d once loved was now razed to the ground worlds away, he was taking it surprisingly well, even going so far as to try and start a food-fight with Celestia while snacking. With a casual spell while everypony else was distracted, Luna healed her self-inflicted wounds and kept an eye on Anon while he seemed to make light of every little thing and kept the smiles flowing until Fluttershy decided to announce that she was heading back to Ponyville since it didn’t seem like Anon needed her anymore.

Anon must have noticed Luna’s gaze on him at some point, but he didn’t seem to care that the blue Mare was gently smiling at him whenever she thought he wouldn’t notice, but she did catch her sister looking at her oddly during one of the times Luna’s smile had grown to reach her eyes. She didn’t like the look the Solar Princess was giving her, but then again, she wasn’t fond of the silly looks Anon kept giving her or how her mind kept drifting back to the odd kiss that had left her more confused than anything. It hadn’t been unpleasant, per se, but it had been strange nonetheless. Her train of thought drifted toward a nice nap once ‘breakfast’ was over, but when Anon started to follow her rather than Celestia, both sisters were confused.

Luna gave Anon an odd look as he walked behind her rather than Celestia, though her sister was the one to comment on it first. “Anon? Are you coming?”

He pointed at the Princess he was magically bonded to with one of his hoofy little fingers. “She looks like she needs cuddles.”

Celestia giggled at that while the younger sister’s cheeks pinkened slightly. “I do not require ‘cuddles’.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that, Lulu.” Her older sister teased. “You could certainly use a hug or two for the night.”

Anon crept closer to Luna, but she was watching him the entire time. “... Please avoid hopping onto my back. It makes me very uncomfortable.”

Out of nowhere, he rushed his Mistress and she tried to get away from him, but Pony hooves aren’t as dextrous or nimble as Human feet, so Luna got hugged and earned even more kisses. “It’s hard to say no when you ask so nicely. I won’t ride you unless you ride me, okay?”

She tried to give him a look, with extra emphasis on tried. Unfortunately, her Familiar had seemed to gravitate to her left side, his actions necessitating admonishment. “Anon, if you do not stop kissing me, I will tie you to a chair.”

He paused long enough to ask, “Will it be a comfy chair?”

“The more kisses you give me the less comfortable it will be.”

He sighed and settled for licking her horn, which sent a thrilling trill of pleasure down her spine and earned him a swift kick to the shin. Hopping up and down on one leg, Anon shout “Ow! That’s how Humans show affection! What’s wrong with you!? Who doesn’t like hugs and kisses!?”

Luna turned so she could give him a real look. “I can cast a spell and make it feel better if it is really bothering you.”

The Human made a strange gesture toward her with one of his fingers. “Come bite my thumb, I hope ye’ know the stakes! I’ll put a slug between your shoulder-blades,and ask through what window yonder poser breaks!”

“... What?”

Celestia coughed. “Was that flyting?”

Anon blinked in surprise. “Why, in a manner of speaking, yes. Yes it was.”

“Keep your slugs to yourself.” Luna shivered.

“I concur.” Her older sister agreed in the blink of an eye.

The male Human pouted and walked a circle around Luna, poking her from time to time as he orbited her. “I’ll keep my slugs to myself as long as I get some cuddles. You guys are soft.”

“Neither of us are male.” The blue Princess huffed.

“You ladies are soft.” Anon amended.

“Better.” She sniffed haughtily. “Good morning, sister, and may your day be fair.”

“Good morning, Luna, and may you sleep well.” Celestia replied amusedly.

“Ooh, if you’re having trouble falling asleep, I could always make you my Auntie’s Sleepy-Time tincture. I mean, you might be kinda drunk for a little while-” Luna started walking away from him. “I mean, that’s not rude or anything.”

She swished her tail a little out of annoyance. “Please endeavor to follow me, Anon. Your quoth ‘cuddles’ await.”

“Are you actually going to let me sleep in your bed?”

Luna’s face turned a rosy red and she cleared her throat. “... Your presence may be more welcome if you were a little less annoying in general.”

Celestia was about to chastise her sister, but then Anon said, “Celestia said you needed cheering up and I’m just trying to help, to be honest with you. If I can make you feel better, just let me know, okay?”

…

They both stared at him in silence.

“... I shattered your mind.” Luna said slowly. “I effectively mind-raped you to bend you to my will. How do you want to help me?”

He jerked his thick, odd digit toward Celestia. “She’s nice enough to help me, and you’re nice enough to try and be as patient as you can, despite being pissed about half the shit I’ve done so far. I probably deserved getting mind-raped, in all honesty. Vanessa always did manage to keep me from being a menace, but if she’s not around, I tend to get a little out there.”

“Sueycide attempts also included.” She replied softly. “Anon, I-”

“I’ll pull your tail and show Celestia your stuff if you don’t hush.”

“I/She have/has already seen it.” Luna and Celestia chorused.

“She is my sister. We have lived together for thousands of years.” The blue Princess droned.

The white one nodded. “Go back to sleep, Anon. You’re intoxicated by our beauty.”

“More like intoxicated by the booty, but whatevs.” He shrugged. “Is there any way that I’m going to figure out what a normal kiss with a Pony is like? Not that kissing Lulu wasn’t fun,” Anon winked at her and she rolled her eyes, blushing, “but consent always makes things a lot, lot more fun.”

Luna held her tongue while Celestia said, “Well, I happen to have a friend with rather exotic tastes. I could introduce the two of you, if you’re terribly interested, that is.”

Anon smiled slightly, but Luna recognized it as one of masked distaste. “I’m too monogamous to just go around smooching whoever. It’ll have to be someone worthy of bearing my beautiful, superior Human lips.”

“Psh. You are full of compost and refuse.” Luna said, slightly entertained by Anon’s silliness.

He gave her a wink and a smile. “Who knows? Maybe I’ll just stick to smooching you? You are a pretty shade of blue, after all.”

Luna’s faint smile dropped and she sputtered out, “I-I-Er- W-W-We are perfectly aware of our coat, thanketh thee.”

The human gave her a cutesy little smile, making her look over to her sister who said, “You never could take a good compliment. Why don’t you two go to bed and think of a few more to share between the sheets~?”

The Princess of the Night cast a quick and dirty Muteness Spell that hit her sister dead in the face. “Speak no evil, Celestia. You’d do well to remember that.”

The Solar Diarch just rolled her eyes and started working on the counter-spell while Luna lead Anon out of the Dining Hall and down some corridors that neither of them really paid much attention to. Luna was quite happy to find that Anon was quieter when Celestia wasn’t around, which made her ask him some questions and tell him some things about her in turn that neither of them had shared prior to Luna causing his latest psychotic break. While the Human learned that the Princess was fond of many bittersweet things, such as pyrrhic victories and dark chocolate, he was surprised to find that she liked to sleep with a little stuffed husky puppy. Anon was not allowed to touch Constable Cuddle-Cub, but Luna did allow him to rest his head on her barrel when they prepared for bed.

Once the magical lights were out and Luna was trying to focus on getting some rest, Anon started singing softly, thought the tune wasn’t one she’d ever heard before.

“Life is a gem~

The colors shine and yet they swim~

Never thought I’d be

The one to see

The center of of it all~”

As tired as she was, Luna paid close attention to Anon’s murmured words, feeling obligated and intrigued, her interest captured for the time being.

“Life is a jewel~

Hard, bright and cruel~

Never thought I’d be

The one to say

How could it have come out this way~?”

With Contstable Cuddle-Cub tucked under one of her forehooves, Luna’s ears flicked as she picked up the next verse without a hitch, Synchronicitous Song Magic filling the air. Rarely did the Princess ever find a suitable partner to share her inner feelings with, so it was a surprise to both of them when her smooth alto joined Anon’s emotionless baritone.

“I saw it in his heart~

A broken foal right from the start~

Never thought I’d be

The one to make

A Patchwork Person fully break~”

Anon stroked Luna’s neck as she began her second verse, neither of them quite understanding what their individual lines had to do with each other quite yet.

“I saw the rued days in his eyes~

A soul so lost that it never cries~

Never thought I’d be

The cause of the

Dam’s flood finally letting free~”

Hoof met hand and in the darkness of Luna’s room grew a small light from her horn, just enough so that the pair could see each other for the final verses, their eyes meeting as a message travelled between them.

“I was born from the Moon

Crashing rocks and stalwart dunes

Loneliness and rhymeless tunes

Maybe I was meant to be here with you?”

“Trust me friend, I share your pain

Your hoof/hand in hand/hoof, we’ll fight the same

Always thought I’d be

Alone today

I was wrong what can I say?”

“Meeting you

Was the best I could do

I don’t look forward to

When our days are through

And I know you feel the same”

“We can see what all we’ve done~

And yet the best is still to come~

Trust me, Luna/Anon I’m the one~

For you~.

They stared at each other.

“The buck/fuck!?”

Quoth The Wendigo

Yeah, so apparently Song Magic is a thing in Equestria and apparently that shit is like, psychic as fuck or something, because it tends to tell the future and what’s truly in people’s hearts. At least, that’s what Luna and Celestia told me. After Luna and I sang a little ditty that I don’t really remember too well, she kicked me out of her personal room and into her private chambers, where I slept on a comfortable couch with one of her teddy bears because I like to sleep and snuggle. It’s not gay/stupid: it’s comforting.

In all honesty, I really do like Luna. I mean, she’s fun to fuck with, and when she’s nice about it, it’s not hard to avoid fucking with her upon request. However, she’s a horse, as in a quadruped, and I. Am. A. Hu-Man. Man. As in made in God’s image. I’m supposed to be riding Luna, not the other way around for Christ’s sake! For as blue as she was, my favorite color is more like burgundy or maroon, so fie to that noise or what-the-fuck-ever.

While I was chilling on the couch, not really all that tired, I decided that I was going to get out of the castle for a little bit and just generally followed the Konami Kode to pick places to go. Instead of going ‘Up’, I went straight, and instead of going ‘Down’, I didn’t do anything at all because fuck that shit. A few people asked me what I was doing since I just seemed to be meandering about because that’s what I was doing, but no one tried to stop me or tell me to go anywhere other than the place I already was, so I figured I was good.

After an hour of solid exploring that left me more than a little bored, I found the castle kitchens and snuck in without much of a problem. Much to my surprise, there were all manners of animals bustling about in the area, including but not limited to: Cows, a Dog, Llamas, a Tapir, an Anteater, and a few more creatures that I didn’t quite recognize. Outside of the obvious things that were going on like meal prep and cleaning, there were quite a few maids and butlers chatting and flirting while I tried not to be Human in a room full of adorable talking animals.

The Anteater I mentioned earlier was the first to notice me and was thusly the first to speak to me in her high, nasally voice. “Hey, you’re not really supposed to be back here, Remmy.”

“Ah, my name’s Anon. I just wanted to see who makes my food is all.” I gave her my most winsome smile. “Well, see and thank, I should say.”

“Well, I’m the lady in charge around here, so I’ll make sure everyone knows that you’re grateful, okay? Now ta-ta!” She flicked her nose toward the door I’d come.

My smile fell slightly, threatening to turn into a frown. “Y-You don’t want me around?”

“Not in the kitchen, no.” The long-faced lady replied.

I let my mask crack in half and a torrential downpour of tears started streaming down my face. “You’re so mean!” Turning on my heel, I ran out of the room bawling my eyes out, running down hall after hall while wailing like a banshee until I found a room to hide in for a little bit.

With nothing to do and nowhere to really go, I exited my hiding place when the Sun reached and passed its Zenith, meaning that I eventually found my way to the Castle Gardens, which was a nice place to practice my Kata. The fauna that resided there seemed to be a little timid around me until it became obvious that I wasn’t paying them any mind, which was mostly because I was wondering what the fuck was up with the song from earlier at that point. Luna had barely told me anything about it, so after I finished a decent workout, I left my shirt and blazer off, but wore my tie because it made me feel sexy and went off to go find Celestia.

As I’d expected, everyone knew where she was and no one wanted to tell me how to get there until I met a stallion named Clean Streak who just straight up gave me a hundred bits and told me how to get to where I wanted to go. He mentioned something about keeping our secret, but I didn’t actually know the guy, so I just played along and took his money since I’m the only Human around and it had to have been me that caught him doing whatever it was he shouldn’t have been doing. With a sack full of about twenty coins with varying levels of value, I found Celestia and told her about the song with Luna while she had a break in between court cases, and she set me straight on what the shit really was in the first place.

She further expounded upon what it actually was during the second break we had, starting with, “As I explained, Synchronicitous Song Magic is a little rare, but it is possible and it can be useful. It often helps tell the future, reveal true emotion, and even has ties to Love and Friendship Magic. However, just because Luna and yourself had a moment doesn’t mean you should be terribly worried. At least, not yet. If you want to kiss her for fun rather than to mess with her, then you might be in trouble.” Celestia teased.

Anon snuck a kiss from Celestia, but he wasn’t expecting her to stick her tongue down the back of his throat mere seconds into the kiss, making him recoil and fall down the steps of the dais, gagging and sputtering as he tried to avoid biting both his and Celestia’s tongues off. “Fuckin’ waaah!”

The Solar Princess was kind enough to stop Anon from falling all the way down the stairs, bringing him back up to her with Levitation. “Fair warning for the next time: I’m very fond of Prench kisses.”

He gave her a scandalized look and rubbed his throat, croaking out, “Don’t lick my tonsils.”

“Didn’t you say our first kiss needed more tongue?”

“... Your lips are softer, but Luna’s sweeter.”

“Really now?”

“Yeah. I’m going to go add that to my journal.”

“As you should, if you truly feel that it’s important. You’re welcome to return with your journal if you like.”

“Will do.” I saluted casually and headed off to go get lost again before I eventually got someone to tell me where the Human’s room was.

Along the way, I ran into a pink Alicorn who neglected to tell me her name, though she did mention that she was looking for a hairless monkey that could possibly be her Aunt’s familiar. I told her that I didn’t know of any hairless monkeys, but I did wish her luck with finding me, whoever I was. After that, I got back to my room and wrote this out.

… God this is short. I’m bad at journals. Fuckin’... I’ll try harder next time or something.

Author's Note

So I lost someone recently, and that pain helped motivate me to come back to Anon and try to reignite the flame that got me started with this story in the first place.

QTW, with luck, will not be updated terribly often, though I will finish the story. I just write this shit when my heart hurts, which I stopped doing for dumb reasons.

As Always,❅Stay Cool, Kids❅

Decompression Slickness

Chapter Five: Decompression Slickness

Quoth the Wendigo

My evening started out pretty good. I got to wake up with an orange Pony nudging me awake with a little smile on her face and a cute little cowboy hate on her head. It made me smile immediately upon opening my eyes, so I reached out and scratched her chin because she was cute. The little Pony gave me an odd look before her eyes closed and she sighed, letting me pet and fondle her throat and neck as I saw fit for a good while. It was a nice way to wake up, and once I’d had my fill of her short, dog-like fur, I gave her a little boop and she gave me a dreamy grin.

“Now wasn’t that jus’ somethin’ nice?” She sighed. “Thank ya kindly.”

I gave her a little smile. “Thank you. Your fur feels nice.”

She shrugged. “I dunno if it’s all that soft, but I ain’t really that kind of mare.”

“Well, your not as fluffy as Celestia and your not as smooth as Luna, but your a little shaggier than Fluttershy, which is nice.”

“I don’t need a coat cut, do I?”

“I think it feels nice.”

“Well, iffin’ you’re the one who’s feelin’ it, then I dunno if I should bother with the hassle.”

I sat up and stretched, yawning my balls off and then exhaling mightily to use the vacuum force created from the action to stick them back in their sockets. “I don’t see why Ponies would cut their fur in the first place. Don’t you shed?”

“A long coat means ya sweat more, but I never sweat that much in the first place. Perks a’ workin’ your whole life, I guess.”

“Farmer or rancher?”

“Farmer. Got a few ranchin’ cousins though.”

“Same. Got both sides of the field in my family. Got to work on my Grandparent’s ranch when I was little and my Aunt and Uncle’s ranch when I was in my teens. I remember that my Aunt had this donkey named Dirty that she was always telling me not to ride. I remember getting told off for rolling down a hill in a giant tire one day while she and my lazy ass Uncle were seein’ me rollin’, they hatin’, patrollin’ tryna catch me ridin’ dirty.”

The little orange Pony blinked. “Was that a joke?”

“It was a reference, cutie pie. What’s your name?”

She gave me an odd look. “Applejack. It’s nice ta meet ya, Anon.”

“What’s the long face for?”

“Well, I-”

“Is it because your face is long?”

“Shush. It’s because I ain’t cute-”

“You’re fuckin’ adorbs, my Pone.”

“Well, thank ya kindly.” She blushed a little and tilted her hat. “For an alien, ya actually happen ta be kinda… Well, I’m not interested, but I know ya got at least one mare who wouldn’t mind a go.”

“Luna?”

She choked on her own saliva before laughing. “For crying out loud! That old spinster wouldn’t give it up if ya caught her in the middle of spring estrus with a toy on each teat and a wand makin’ every step a little more agonizin’!”

I waved at the big blue Pony that was standing in the doorway of my room, staring Applejack’s ass into oblivion. “Hey, sexy no-pants.”

Luna blushed lightly and Applejack turned around slowly. “... Buck me.”

“Harlot,” Luna said flatly, making AJ wince.

“Hey, that’s just unnecessary,” I responded irritably.

“Unnecessary, but evidently true.” The blue bitch answered bitchfully.

I glared at Luna and swung my legs over the side of the bed, putting a hand on Applejack’s neck. “Eat a dick, faggot.”

Luna’s eye twitched. “Mind your place.”

Applejack looked at me. “Don’t get yourself arrested!”

I patted her and got up, walking over to Luna as the Princess asked, “What are you doing?”

I passed her and headed out of the room, leaving her and Applejack to follow my topless, sexiful self as I strolled around like I owned the castle. I didn’t, but I knew it irritated Luna whenever I acted like I was a Prince to the servants that were milling about. Even though I made sure the servants knew not to take me seriously, Luna forgot to grab the memo and undid all of the orders I gave out because she wasn’t having any of my shit. I eventually started talking to her about how much I hated bitches and she agreed for the most part, citing a dislike of female dogs as the source of her frustration. Sadly, she didn’t know just how pissed I was at her for verbally attacking someone for basically just saying that she was celibate, which Celestia had told me that she was.

Every time I looked at Luna, my left eye started to burn and her face would twitch more and more frequently the longer I looked at her. The intensity of the burning also spiked whenever her face twitched for some odd reason, but I’d been told that I was missing about two years worth of memories, so there wasn’t really a point in trying to remember or understand why the fuck my pee-pee hurt. There was an ache building in the tip that was nothing like blue balls, but more like someone was just sucking on me too hard. It reminded me of playtime with Vanessa, and even playtime with Kate when she was on her pedophile shit. God, Kate was such a great big sister. Shame she murder-suicided my brother and fucked me up for no reason, but the busted nuts were fantastic. Still haven’t had a blowjob as satisfying at the one she gave me when I first started actually ejaculating, but that’s a story for another time.

While I was thinking of a way to make Luna realize that the suffering I generally put her through was nothing compared to what I could do, I realized that I could do the thing that she didn’t want the most: Sexual harrassment! With my plan put together she wouldn’t even see it coming; I’d chop her into four black dudes and I’d remake Cool Runnings. Aside from that solid ass bar from one solid ass OG nigga, I was easily seeing ways to make Luna more uncomfortable than I already made her, and it was all her fault for being a twat.

Quoth The Moon

Ill tides came to bear as though they were sweeping over the Lunar Diarch’s hooves, the scars beneath her fur aching with a peculiar kind of pain that filled her with apprehension rather the form of battle-lust she felt whenever they usually made their presences known. Even when she was at her lowest, she craved a face to kick in for the sake of transferring the pain, but not when she looked at Anon. Whenever Anon looked at her with those lovely, chocolate brown eyes, all she ever saw was disapproval, and that feeling was often what set her hooves alight with pins and needles, the sensation as alien to her as the alien himself. His gaze in and of itself made her blood boil, her mind immediately summoning elitism and her status as a Princess as reasons to be giving looks such as the one her mentally disturbed, psychologically broken Familiar was shooting her rather than receiving them. People do not look at Princesses with disdain and mischief; Princesses look at their subjects in such a manner because their station affords them the luxury of being superior to the beings they rule, and it has always been that way as it always should be.

Or at least that’s how it worked in Luna’s mind.

As she escorted Applejack and Anonymous to the Dining Hall for brinner, she couldn’t help but feel like she had a night full of irritation and suffering in her future, but she tried to swallow her rising anxiety and mild desire to simply give up on the night in favor of being the best Princess she could be. She’d already failed Anon, but he wasn’t one of her subjects. He and Celestia had already made clearer than the nitrogen she was breathing. And the oxygen, but there was a fair amount less of that than the nitrogen.

Upon arrival at the Dining Hall, she almost made the mistake of ordering Anon to open the door by saying, “Familiar, open the- Er… Would you mind opening the door for us?”

Anon raised a brow. “I wouldn’t.”

He stood still.

Luna frowned and sighed. “Will you please open the door?”

Her familiar’s face never truly moved enough to let her know what was on his mind unless he was nearing an extreme corner of an emotion. As it was, his face was flat and he didn’t seem to care about doing the menial favor luna had asked of him, exactly as Celestia had said. She considered whether or not she should just give up and treat him like a normal stallion while she found her seat since Anon was damn near impossible to work with otherwise, and the fear of ruining his mind again was nestled deep in her heart. While Luna hated the fact that she’d Imprinted a Familiar Bond on such a troublesome character, she couldn’t help but hold the smallest, most miniscule amount of respect for Anon. After all, as long as he was petting somepony, he wasn’t being awful.

Speaking of which, Applejack’s presence had been Celestia’s idea rather than Luna’s, and yet again her sister seemed to know better than herself. The farmer and the former rancher were fast friends and even faster drinking buddies when The Princess Of The Night stooped low as to bribe her familiar with a bottle of honey-whiskey. It was one of her favorite distillers of the modern era, and since she’d known the originator of the recipe, she felt as though it was necessary to like it a little more than she should. She honestly (Though not willingly) hoped that Anon would enjoy the bribe for what it was rather than what it meant, and she was certain that he was at least pleased with it when he and Applejack cleared half the bottle before dinner was even over.

Luna shot Anon a dubious look when she saw him on his fourth whiskey-and-cream. “Anonymous, are you an alcoholic?”

Applejack opened her mouth and closed it without saying a word, so Anon answered. “Yooou may call me many thingsa, Ma-damn. A drunk Is one. A lover is another. An alchyholic isn’t one of ‘em!”

Applejack looked at him strangely. “This is one-fifty-one, Sugar. Ya been drinkin’ it like juice.”

“Juice is good!”

Celestia cleared her throat. “Perhaps you would like some coffee?”

Anon looked excited. “Yeah! Can I put whiskey in it?”

“No.” Luna answered. “I want you to practice your kata so I may see what it is.”

Anon frowned and rubbed his neck. “... Imma need some water then, I guess. You wouldn’t mind pissing in my mouth, would you?”

Applejack choked on her pudding and it splurted out of her snout, Celestia choked on her wine and had burning tears rolling down her eyes as she tried not to laugh at her sister’s mortified, green face while Luna went with,. “Thou disgust us!!!”

Anon raised a brow. “Is that a no?”

“YES!!” Luna cried loudly.

“Well, I’m still thirsty. Do you produce milk?”

Celestia closed her eyes and cast the spell as Luna’s blush finished covering her body. “Confound it.”

Applejack’s blush reached her flank when she smelled Luna’s pheromones in the air and she repeated Luna’s action before Celestia could save her. Anon took a deep breath and smiled like a loon. “I fucking love pie. I’ll make the ice cream if anyone-”

Luna threw fruit at him with Magic, Applejack shoved him, but it was ultimately Celestia silencing him to save herself from suffering the same orgasmic fate as Luna and Applejack that ended the embarrassment. She chose to let him be pelted for a fair while as Applejack distanced herself from him, her tail tucked firmly between her legs as fruit after delicious fruit slammed Anon in his precious little thinker. He tried to speak as Luna took out the frustrations on him (Quite fairly, in every mare’s eyes) that had been building up on her throughout the short time she’d spent in his company. When he finally curled up into a ball to avoid getting brained by a coconut that no one was going to eat, Celestia erected a shield around him to protect him from further harm than what he’d already invited upon himself.

When Anon knew he wasn’t going to get hit with anything else, he picked himself up slowly, wincing as he did. Most of his visible skin was either sticky with fruit juice or in the beginning stages of bruising, which was fine by everyone in the room, including Anon. He simply didn’t care for the time being, though Luna suspected that he would once his vanity was compromised. She left the Dining Hall with Applejack en tow since the considerably younger mare had been preparing to switch to a night schedule for a few days anyway, and the thermos of coffee she brought along with her certainly wouldn’t hurt. Neither female spoke for a fair amount of time, both of them deciding to find a little comfort in a silence that wasn’t awkward for two reasons: For one, they could smell their own and each other’s pheromones in the air before Luna took care of the matter, and for two, Applejack was cuddled up to Luna as they walked along, the younger mare finding comfort in some furship with her Princess. Luna allowed it since Anon operated on levels of embarrassment that could be absolutely lethal, and Applejack was only there because of Luna’s inability to handle her Familiar properly. She felt that she owed the little orange farmer something for getting her verbally molested, though the alcohol certainly didn’t seem to hurt.

“So… Princess,” Applejack said hesitantly.

“Yes, my subject?” Luna answered as tenderly as she could.

“... Um… Is Anon gonna be in Night Court tonight?”

“You do not have to stay if you do not want to.”

“I was just thinkin’ that we could play poker or somethin’. It’s a real quiet kinda game, y’know?”

“T’is a good idea. We will take it into consideration.” Luna considered it. “I have considered it. We are playing the quietest games you can think of tonight. And for as long as you are in the castle.”

Applejack chuckled and let herself drift away from Luna, feeling better about cumming along with her already. “I can think a’ plenty a’ stuff for Anon ta do iffin’ ya jus’ wanna shut him up. Big Mac does plenty of quiet stuff.”

“Ah, the handsome brother of yours?” Luna asked with mild interest.

Applejack smiled to herself and nudged Luna. “My handsome single brother, ya mean. Yeah, Mac’s awful stoic until ya make him talk. Then he won’t shut up.”

“Hmm… thou couldst arrange a visit during spring, then? We know that Ponyville is quite the mare-heavy town.”

Applejack sighed. “Eeyup. I think a lot of the reason stallions don’t talk as much as Anon does is because they gotta stay indoors all day during Spring Heat.”

“Like they suffer for it,” Luna huffed.

“Not as bad as we do,” Applejack agreed.

A few of Luna’s male guards happened to be standing watch at the entrance to the Court Hall and heard the comment before the mares were in sight, but the misandry continued even as Luna went over the horrors of dating that she’d faced in times long passed. Neither of the guards dared say anything to their frankly sexist ruler, but then again, Applejack wasn’t exactly comfortable with the turn the conversation was taking herself. While Luna continued to complain and make broad statements about many groups, she ordered some servants to go get the necessary components for a good poker game while she and Applejack explored the history of Canterlot together. Anon eventually came to the Court Hall, looking rather un-sticky for having been pelted with fruit an hour and a half ago.

When he marched up Luna’s dais and ignored Applejack completely, the Princess had a strange feeling that she wasn’t about to thank her for the delicious bath. Her supposition was proved to be correct when Anon said, “If I bruise more than this, we’re about to have a fuckin’ problem.”

Luna didn’t care for his tone or his words in general. “Watch thine tongue-”

“No. Watch your bullshit. It’s not my fault you can’t take a fuckin’ joke, so grow the fuck. Up.”

The Princess stared at him. “... Didst thou just imply-”

“Bitch, I didn’t imply a Goddamn thing: I said it.”

Cold fury wrapped itself around Luna’s stomach and she felt the pull of violence as she smiled at her Familiar. “Wouldst thou like to continue?”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“We will see you in the morning. Say hello to the other prisoners for me, will you?” Luna gave him a warm, mocking smile.”

Luna’s horn lit up and sent Anon off to the dungeons to learn a lesson. After he spit in her face. Applejack’s jaw dropped and she rushed up the stair she’d been sitting on and asked, “Oh crap, are you okay, Princess!?”

The Lunar Diarch Magicked Anon’s spit off of her face and reminded herself that she’d specifically left Anon that particular avenue of disrespecting her of her own volition. “We are fine. Anon will understand the weight of his transgression once I have calmed further.”

“... Maybe ya shouldn’t have-”

“He deserved it.”

“I ain’t sayin’ he didn’t, I’m jus’ sayin’ he didn’t really hurt us. We’re pretty much fine and he was already startin’ ta look pretty banged up…”

“He is spending the night in the dungeon, and treason is no crime to go unpunished. Whether he be our Familiar or not- Nay, because he is our Familiar, such behavior-”

“So you’re a batterer.” Applejack said plainly.

Luna blinked. “We beg thine pardon?”

“Your Familiar was bad, so you beat ‘im. If he was a dumb Familiar, you’d be an animal abuser. If he was a Pony, ya’d just be a batterer.”

The glare the Diarch leveled at the commonpony was nothing to rub one’s snout at, but Applejack had never been afraid to give her honest opinion to those who severely needed to hear it. Still, Applejack leaned back as Luna took a step forward and said, “We would advise you to silence thineself with one of thine games.”

Applejack pursed her lips opened her mouth, closed it, and looked behind her like she was expecting to see somepony. To Luna’s mind, she imagined that the young mare was feeling the pull of her home in the last moments of her freedom. “Princess… I gotta be true ta myself.” She turned back to Luna with a sorrowful look and much doubt. “... I’m honestly startin’ ta think that Anon pushes your buttons because you deserve it and he ain’t afraid ta do it. He made a bad joke, probably didn’t know he was takin’ it too far, and it didn’t work out. You knew what you were doin’, and the only reason I didn’t say nothin’ was because it was the heat of the moment. He bumped into you in a weird way on the train and you kicked him in the leg as hard as you could before he could figure out what was goin’ on.”

Celestia teleported in shortly after Applejack ended her brutally earnest soliloquy, though before Luna could comment on either her sister’s arrival or Applejack’s thoughts, the eldest mare in the room said, “Sister, I spoke to Anon about the fruit incident and-” She looked around.

“He’s in the dungeon for gettin’ real sassy and spittin’ in Her Highness’ face when she told him he was goin’ there.” Applejack figured she would answer the unspoken question.

The Solar Diarch gave her attention from Applejack over to Luna. “Applejack, you’re dismissed. I’m sure the library has some interesting finds that you may enjoy. Or the Gardens, perhaps?”

“Heard the night scene in Canterlot’s pretty interestin’...”

Celestia nodded. “Don’t get into too much trouble.”

Applejack beamed because she just got away with treason up until Luna said, “We have not forgotten your words, young mare.”

The farmer turned around and cursed herself for not knowing when to shut up when Celestia said, “If it was about your treatment of Anon, then I’m inclined to think that it was justified.”

Luna narrowed her eyes. “Whether or not treason is justified gives it no credence-”

“Spoken like a tyrant, Luna. We are leaders,” Celestia reminded.

“And leaders must lead their followers to their proper place.”

“Spoken like an elitist.”

“Thou forget our sovereign right-”

“Luna.” Celestia growled. “... Surrender Anon to me. If you initiate further contact with him of your own free will-”

“No. He is my responsibility-”

“You treat him like less than a bucking pet! You don’t shoot coconuts at anypony you don’t want seriously injured! For crying out loud, if you weren’t my sister, I would arrest you!”

“Try.”

“What the b-” Celestia took a deep breath and teleported Applejack back to her quarters for the night to get her out of the way of the monumental amount of nagging that was about to happen. “You have literally raped and tortured this stallion into being one of the most unknowable things we’ve ever seen. I can’t even enter his mind anymore because it’s so bucking fragmented that the Tulpa who was in there won’t come out of hiding anymore. You have traumatized this already traumatized stallion, and you seem to feel nothing-”

Luna teleported in front of her sister and slammed her bare hoof across the taller mares cheek, her eyes flushing with tears. “Does thou truly believeth we WANT to be this unloving MONSTER!?Didst thou think we ENJOYED being the custodian? The General? The mare who crawls through the muck and stabs our friends in the BACK!?”

Celestia foresaw another punishing blow in her very near future, so she chose to love instead of fight and held her sister, taking them to the younger sister’s room after embracing her. Luna let the floodgates loose as she wept for her past and what it had turned her into, but it was mostly for the present that she mourned, the things she kept doing to the being who stood the chance of growing closest to her if only she would let him. Every time Anon rebuked her for treating him as less than he was, she’d become upset and that just hadn’t been the right thing for her to do. She’d asserted her dominance over a stallion who saw no reason for her to do so, which lead him to be unhappy, though for the life of her she couldn't figure out what she’d done this time to earn his ire. Things had been going relatively well, all things told, and now she’d made an enemy of him all over again.

Luna was lost, but her sister had a plan.

Quoth The Sun

Celestia comforted her sister to the best of her abilities and made sure that she was safe from herself for the time being. Once the most pressing matters were taken care of, she left her sister to her own devices slash stew in her own deserved misery. While she felt that Luna was probably going to need more than just a few hugs to clear her mind and break down the walls that were surrounding her heart, Celestia was steadily growing more and more sure that Anon would be the one to melt the ice surrounding the Princess of the Moon’s heart. All she needed to do was a little more tweaking while he was in her possession and she would eventually form him into the perfect, more apt lover for her wayward sister.

After all, what mare doesn’t straighten out her act when she has a stallion to look after?

With that in mind, Celestia teleported down to the dungeons in the ‘basement’ of the castle and greeted the guards that were standing at their posts as she passed them. Few knew her to be anything less than magnanimous to the few Ponies that ended up in the Canterlot Keep, but none knew her to be kind to the Extra-Pony races. Fair was the most any of them got, and for already having been branded as a treasonous, slanderous toad by Luna and some of the guards that had seen her interactions with Anon, no one expected anything less than a trip to the Changeling Hives or Tartarus for the Human. However, Nopony actually knew just how much Celestia well and truly liked Anon besides the mare herself. When she showed up at Anon’s cell as he glared at the purplish-yellowish blotches popping up on his skin with a warm, apologetic, downcast grin, Anon had an inkling that he was going to get an apology and bad news.

Imagine his surprise when Celestia said, “My Familiar has no place being in a hole like this. Would you like to enter my service as opposed to Luna’s, Anonymous Anonymity Anonymoneymous?”

Anon looked at her, his face flat and his lips set in a line. “Yep.”

“You don’t sound enthused.”

“Can you heal me?”

The owner of the sole Human in Equestria stepped forward and healed her new Familiar. “I’m sorry Luna sent you down here, but-” Anon hugged her, so it felt like a good time too hug back and save the words for another time to the Great White Plushie.

“It’s fine. I’m pretty again, I don’t have to deal with her, and you’re probably gonna let me snuggle up to you sometimes as long as I keep it reasonable.” He let her go and gave her a peck on the snout with the ghost of a grin on his lips.

Celestia licked that smile off of his face because she could do the weird-but-cute angle just as well as the fun-and-flirty angle. Or whichever approach she really felt like using in all honesty. However, she didn’t pay attention to his face’s taste. “If you require quote unquote ‘snuggles’ to resist harming yourself, you may have as many as you desire as long as you do not antagonize Luna in anyway. Deal?”

Anon blinked and wiped his face off before burying his face into the crook of Celestia’s jaw, his toneless hum and warm breath tickling her throat. “I don’t have to torture Luna. It’s just fun. I’ll play with you instead.”

“Sounds like we have a deal then. Do we need to shake on it?”

Anon took her hoof and shook it before laying on his stomach across her back. Celestia felt the odd sensation of having a living saddlebag on her that wasn’t wholly unpleasant, so she chose to humor him for the time being. With his vehicle in motion and Celestia’s new familiar comfortably resting on her back, she was prepared to spend a long night taking over for her sister that would eventually turn into a long day. Thankfully she would have company for the night, and with luck a little more for the day, should Anon choose to stay awake.

Celestia walked them to the outside of the dungeon, surprising the guards and giving them quite the tale to tell the others whenever they got off of their shift. The princess knew that she might have caused a stir with her actions, but she found it hard to care while the ever-interesting Anon commented to her about things until she made him get off of her back. He only complained for a short while, much to Celestia’s pleasure, and he wasn’t that drunk so teleporting him to the Court Hall wasn’t as troublesome as she might have feared.

Once they settled in for the night and Celestia had sent off for Anon to be given some herbal tea to keep him sedated, the Human asked, “So when am I going to have to talk to the Pink Pony Princess who’s pursuing the primeape?”

Celestia blinked and gave him a little smile. “How long have you been waiting to ask that?”

“A few seconds,” Anon answered honestly.

“Oh. Then Good job with your alliteration. As far as your question goes, you can speak to Cadance whenever you would like. In fact, I would even send her a letter of summons if she would like to make a nightly visit.”

“Ah, then I’d like to meet her as soon as possible then. It’s not too late, is it?”

“No, it’s only just nearing her usual bedtime, but even then you know how some mares can be. Or you wouldn’t, I suppose.”

“Oh, I know for certain, I’m just surprised that there’s another one of your sisters-”

“No, no, Cadance is my niece.”

“Oh. Then your niece is very adorable and I would like to hug her, please.”

“Then it shall be arranged.” Celestia magicked up a quill and some ink before writing the note and whisking it away. “For the time being, what would you like to talk about?”

Anon swung his legs from the arm of the throne. “Can you scoot over so I can sit next to you?”

“It would be a little too improper, I’m afraid.”

“Can I try to braid your mane?”

She gave him an odd look. “You know how to braid without Magic?”

“Yeah, my ex used to have me learn all sorts of stuff for her hair,” Anon explained, “I kinda picked up a likin’ for it.”

Celestia made her mane float into his lap. “Then let’s see how you do.”

As Anon started French-braiding a Pony’s mane for the first time in his life, he considered what his life had turned into while Celestia enjoyed the pampering and the attention she was getting from a platonic, cuddlesome friend. There was little else in the world that she enjoyed more than having her mane toyed with, which made Anon’s ministrations feel even better. Sadly, all good things must come to an end as Anon finished braiding Celestia’s mane, though the feeling of his fingered lingered in her multi-colored locks..

“Voila!” He spread his hands and gave her a little smile. “Now you’re pretty.”

The Solar Diarch rolled her eyes and conjured up a mirror to check his work. She liked what she saw, and it was plenty regal enough to wear for the night. “I like it. Maybe I’ll make you my new Royal Braider?”

“If I can do it once, I can do it again,” he replied confidently.

“I’m sure you can,” Celestia giggled. “Maybe you would like to be a mare for a day so I can braid your mane?”

“You mean a literal mare or a woman?”

“Would you like to try being a Pony?” Celestia asked.

“Eh, maybe another time,” He replied as Cadance’s answer winked into existence in front of Celestia.

She read the note quickly and smiled. “Oh, it would seem that Cadance is on her way. Would you like to help me play a prank on her?”

Anon gave Celestia a predatory grin. “Is that even a real question?”

Quoth The Wendigo

Everything was going according to plan. I’d been broken out of jail, Celestia was my new Massa Lady, and I was currently waiting for said Massa to give me the sign to leap off of the dais and tackle Cadance. At her wink, I flew through the air with Celestia’s Levitation Spell and carried myself all the way to the other side of the Court Hall, crashing into the pink Princess with aplomb. Cadance screeched and squealed while I hugged the ever-loving fuck outta her warm, loveable little ass. She was the right kind of freaking out when I started kissing her snout all over, and I’m pretty sure I might have accidentally gotten a few on her lips before I just started kissing her cheek.

Long after we tumbled to the ground, Cadance calmed down and Celestia did nothing to help the situation at all.. “Cadance, I see you’ve met Anon.”

She looked up at me and I smiled. “You smell good.”

She gave me a weak smile in turn. “... Haven’t we already met?”

“Yep.”

“... Would you mind getting off of me?”

“Nope.” I clambered off of her carefully and helped her back to her hooves like I’d done with a few ponies back in my days on the ranch. Ranches.

Cadance gave me a little smile. “So you’re Luna’s Familiar?”

“No, I’m her Familiar now.” I pointed at Celestia. “She’s nicer to me than Luna is.”

Her smile fell a little. “Oh, well I’m sure Aunty Luna will warm up to you eventually.”

“She tried to hit me with a coconut.”

“Did you deserve it or not?” Celestia asked.

“Not at that velocity!”

“Agreed, but you deserved the first few pieces of fruit. The rest was simply wasteful.”

I stuck my tongue out at the ridiculously older being like it would have an effect on her. “Meanie-meanie Sunbutt!”

Cadance gave me an odd look. “You most certainly do live up to the rumors…”

I smiled at her. “Am I really that cute?”

“No.”

“I was gonna give you a nice hug but now it seems like you’re kinda awful.”

“Anon, please,” Celestia huffed.

“She started it.” I grumbled like a child to accentuate my boyish charm.

“You’re a grown foal.”

“I’m a hug moosheen that’s not getting any hugs.”

“If you stop tormenting my niece, I’ll give you a hug.”

Something crossed my mind. “Can I rub your ears?”

“You may rub them, and that is all.” She warned, giving me a warningful look full of promises and stuff.

I pouted at her. “But they look tasty!”

“You may not do that. It is an intimate gesture, Anon.”

“Aren’t I-”

“No,” She said amusedly.

“You stuck your tongue down my throat!”

“Aunty!” Cadance gasped.

Celestia looked at her. “He kissed kissed me and I wanted to enjoy it. Is that so wrong?”

“Yes!” Cadance maintained.

“You Ponies must make great lesbians.”

“We’re fantastic Special Someponies overall,” Cadance said with a wide smile. “I’m sure you can find somepony to love if you actually want to look outside of royalty.”

“Applejack looked cuddly,” I mused.

“Oh, so you’ve met-” Cadance started.

“And embarrassed,” Celestia added quickly.

“Applejack, yes,” I said smoothly.

“Oh. Well maybe-” The pink Princess said nervously.

“Oh no, I want a piece of that sweet cotton candy flavored ass.”

Cadance stared at me. “... There aren’t any Donkeys here…”

“But you’re here. Let me have some of you.” I gave her a wink.

She blushed as I walked over to Celestia and gave her a hug instead of hugging the pink one. “So you’re not being serious. Good.” She wiped a hoof across her brow. “For a second there I thought I was-”

I gave Celestia a big smooch on the cheek before licking her, interrupting Cadance. “You were saying?”

Celestia licked me back, so I licked her tongue and she made a face. “Ew. Don’t lick my tongue.”

“It seemed like the most effective counter action I had.” I wiped her drool off of my face as she wiped my slobber off of hers.

She gave me a kiss on the cheek. “If you wanted affection, you could have asked.”

“Can I have another hug?”

“After you apologize to Cadance for tackling her.”

I looked at the aforementioned Pony Princess. “Sorry for giving you extra special lovin’s without you askin’.”

Cadance gave me an odd look before shaking her head and settling on a smile. “It’s fine. Just let me know before you decide to give me another hug in the future, okay?”

“Do you want one now?”

“Well, I wouldn’t mind one.” She gave me an easy grin.

I walked over and gave her a gentle hug, whispering, “You’re a pretty Pony. You’re the prettiest Pony,” in her ear over and over again.

Cadance let me pull away from her, though she was visibly disturbed when I returned to Celestia’s side. “Ah-hah-hah… Wow… That Familiar Cube sure is something…”

“Oh, Anon is no standard Familiar. He may as well be a stallion.” Celestia informed.

Cadance blushed and cleared her throat while I winked at her and blew her a kiss. “Um… I think I should be getting to um… Bed?”

“Would you like Anon to walk with-”

“No! No, that’s fine, I think I can get there myself!” She assured her Aunt quickly. She cantered forth to give Celestia a quick hug before practically running away from me with her tail tucked between her legs.

Celestia and I watched in amusement as the smaller quadruped skittered away. When she was gone, I turned to Celestia and nibbled on one of her ears until she flicked it and made it pop out of my mouth. “Don’t do that.”

“You taste like ice cream,” I said honestly.

“Be that as it may-”

“Luna tastes good, but you might be growing on me. I might spend tonight trying to kiss you.”

“If you were better at it, I’d let you.”

“Why not spend some time practicing, then? It might just be that your not used to my freaky Human face.”

She butted me with her head and started walking back toward the throne. “I would think that you would be less eager to experiment with an alien than you’ve proven so far.”

“Well, I haven’t gotten laid in like, four months and I’ve boned a pone or two in my youth.”

Celestia missed a step and nearly faceplanted, her hoof skittering off of the marble floor. “You’ve already slept with a Pony?”

“Yeah. Rob said I’d never get laid, so I proved him wrong. He didn’t have long to make fun of me for it, but in retrospect, even when he was calling me a horsefucker he was nice about it. He even told me to stop doing it before someone found out and I got into serious trouble. He just thought it was funny.”

“... You had… Intercourse, with what you considered… Okay, you bucked an animal? A handsome animal, mind you, but an animal nonetheless?” She asked in utter disbelief.

“When did I ever tell you that I was any kind of normal?”

“... Have you-”

“With a Pony? I’d like to try. It seems fun, and you already taste good.” I crossed my arms when I caught up to her, standing at the bottom of the dais.

Celestia chuckled and raised her brows, looking at the throne with blushed cheeks. “To think I’d know a stallion who would lay an actual animal.”

“Don’t knock it ‘til you try it. The horse felt better than my ex.”

She burst out laughing at my ridiculous fact until she saw that I wasn’t even smiling. “Oh. Were you being serious?”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t mind a snuggle, but if you want to be my big cuddle-plushie, that works too.”

Celestia probably meant to let her plot sway as she climbed the steps, but it wasn’t exactly sexy. “Familiars should be respecting their Mistress’, not trying to lay them.”

“Are you complaining?”

“Not if you would hurry up and seal my lips with a kiss. You could use the practice, I suppose~” Celestia watched me as I climbed up behind her, swooshing her tail from side to side. She never did it hard enough to let me see what Pony pussy looked like, but I had a feeling that I wasn’t about to be as confused as I was back in middle school.

“And here I thought you were going to keep playin’ like ya didn’t want me no more. I thought your eyes were wandering in the bath.”

“And yours weren’t,” She huffed, sitting on her throne.

I jogged up to her and leaned on one of the arms, standing on the top step. “Well, I wasn’t really trying to ogle my gracious hostess until she started flirting with me.”

“Maybe she just wants you to feel comfortable.” The Princess gave me a coy smile.

I carefully took her muzzle in one hand and kissed her nose because her nose was soft and fuzzy. “Damn, I really do need practice.”

She let me change the subject, though I doubt she knew that I’d never actually be comfortable until I was sleeping forever. “You can’t even hit the target when you’re holding it. That’s a shame.”

I gave her nose another smooch before giving her lips a try. Celestia didn’t really give me much to go on other than consent for the kiss, so I was working with a blank Ponified slate on this one. However, the longer I kissed her broad, thick lips, the more my head started to ache for some strange reason. I couldn’t help but want to continue the kiss, so I parted her lips with mine and tilted my head to go for the gold, which was a migraine in this case. The pressure in my head grew as Celestia’s tongue entered my mouth, her freaky horse tongue dwarfing mine by what felt like a foot. It felt like I was being mouth-fucked by a gentle, caring tentacle monster that had a textured side to it’s appendage. Apparently she remembered that I didn’t mind the mouth-fucking as much as the throat-fucking because she didn’t go past my tonsils this time. Sucking on her tongue brought the pain in my brain to a head (Pun shamelessly intended) and I could then accurately describe it beyond pressure.

When I pulled away from Celestia, I remembered my first and worst Ego Death, which was during my brief stint in college after going into the military bombed miserably. I was dropping acid like I was the weird kid in class who ate his notebooks and sipped glue like wine, staying high in the sky with Lucy and her diamonds until one day I just hit the fuck button and my brain exploded. Until you go fully batshit no-words-can’t-speak-forget-who-you-are insane: until you get that fucked up, you probably won’t understand the level of pure distress I was in. There was simply no other word for it. I was panicking. I was furious. I was scared. I was sad. I was absluttly euphoric. I was freaking the fuck out.

I closed my eyes because everything around me was too much too bear; agoraphobia gripped my heart like never before, but claustrophobia broke me down and spit me out in a crumbled ball that rolled down the dais until Celestia’s Magic caught me. Unfortunately I went from being in pain to being in agonizing pain as a layer of mycelium-like threads burned beneath my skin, frying my from the inside out all while my mind was still forming an image of a multidimensional object that I have no clue how to name. All I know is that it shifted and folded in on itself as it pleased, breaking down and building itself into a new, equally whole shape every time it collapsed. Between being mesmerized by what was behind my eyes and being blinded by the magma coursing through my muscles, burning into my bones, I heard a voice that pulled me out of the fray. Someone who didn’t give a damn about me so much as us. Someone who took me out of my body and put me into my mind to shield me from the torment or whatever fucking affliction had decided to crawl into my skull and rape my ass from the wrong side of the hole.

It took time for me to collect myself, even with the frantic tomboyish grill shaking me gently, but firmly. “C’mon, Octo! Don’t friggin’ die on me, dude!”

“Grrgugguuuhhleeggle” I replied, which needs no punctuation because it was a continuous noise.

“Aww fuuuck!! Pleeease, Octavian! I’ll fuckin’ suck you off if you pull out of this, I will! It’s gonna be the dong bobblin’ you ever had!” That got a laugh out of me while my aches and pains faded, which encouraged her. She grabbed my hand and my suspicions were confirmed for sure. I’d thought the voice just sounded like a Cockney little boy, which of course meant that I was talking to a young woman. Her hands barely had calluses on them and were otherwise soft, which is how I could tell. “That’s the spirit, ya fighter! There’s no quit in ya and there- Well, other than the suicide stuff, but you can put that behind ya! You’re a warrior at heart, ya just need a battle ta fight!”

“Dam grrreat,” I gargled back.

“Exactly! You just gotta fight through this battle and move onto the next one, big guy! Just gotta open your eyes now! C’mon!”

I tried doing what she said as her not-so-delicate hands touched my face. Everything was black other than the image of the young lady with the pixie-cut giving me a worried grin, and even that was fuzzy, tempered by two different colors. My left eye was awash with reds of all hues and my right eye had rich shades of blue swirling around, making it feel like I was looking at the world through old school Three-D glasses, which kinda made things suck less for some odd reason. Once I could blink the tears out of my eyes and get a clear look of my caretaker, I realized that she looked a lot like Ladesa, a D&D character I’d had a friend with skill draw up for me so I could visualize the game a little more easily. The game fell through when I moved out of Montana to Wyoming, but I’d still had a picture of the drawing saved to my GDrive and phone before I landed in Equestria. The gal in front of me had an awfully strange resemblance to that picture.

“Fuck.” I grumbled.

She chuckled a little and ran her hand over my close-cropped cut. “Gettin’ your sea-legs back yet?”

“Jus’ ‘bout. Who’re you?”

“I don’t really have a name these days. Been dead for a little bit.” Her smile tightened, but she didn’t seem upset. “Better than being alive, but your situation is a little more livable than mine was.”

I thought back to the day I first met Luna, the walls surrounding most of my memories, even the repressed ones from Earth, tumbling down for me to see. “... I keep getting tortured. Not for long, but still.”

“I was driven irreparably insane and poisoned by burning toxic blood and rotten flesh. On top of being starved and dehydrated.” She grumbled. “Seriously, at least you got to blow a load when Luna put the skin-armor in you.”

“You could have masturbated while dehydrated.” I countered.

She gave me a look. “Just so I could die faster. Yipee.”

“Should I be apologizing for the justified bitching I was doing? Because I’m pretty sure that you haven’t been put through the pain I have, cutie.”

“You haven’t had to hear hundreds of people get tortured to death.” She shot back.

“Did you have to taste your brother’s brain?”

“... Okay, you win.”

I gave her a wink and held a hand up for her to grab. She took it carefully and gave it a squeeze while I gave her a little smile. “Name’s Octavian, but you already know that.”

“Name’s to be determined, but you can call me Tulpa. Apparently it’s what I am now.”

“We’re not callin’ you that. How ‘bout Dessie?”

“... Cute. I like it.” She made a face of begrudging approval.

I sat up and scooted back a bit, looked around at the darkness. “... So we’re gonna go ahead and say you gave me that BJ already and skip to the part where you explain what the dick dock tick tock click clock is going on.”

Dessie ran a hand through her hair and gave me an uneasy look. “Well… Do you wanna hear the bad news, or the shitty news? The shit news or the bullshit news, I guess.”

“Let’s go with the shit news first.”

She had a hard time not smiling. “You can’t kill yourself.”

“Which means you get to keep living too, right?”

“Guessed it already!”: She did a little clap. “I know you’re not happy about that, but-”

“How often am I gonna see you?”

“Think about me and I can probably project myself into reality.” She confessed. “I just need you to open the gate from your mind to the real world and I can probably hop on through. If you want that blowie, then I’m gonna have ta apologize and say I’m gay. Cuz’ I am.”

I shrugged. “I was literally just trying to fuck a short horse, so I understand the need to make excuses.”

“Nah, I really am a rug muncher, but the horse-fuckin’ thing is pretty weird, fella.”

“I’m not your fella, friend!”

“I’m not your friend, pal.” She answered a little hotly.

“I’m not your pal, guy!”

“I’m not a guy, fool.”

“I’m not being serious, thou knave.”

“Do you even know what knave means? Because it doesn’t apply to me. I’m a woman.”

“With that haircut? I thought you were just trying to tell me that you were a guy.”

Dessie shot me a look before she cracked a smile. “Okay, so I might remember being known for having some boy-qualities, but you can’t honestly say that I don’t have a fantastic arse.”

“You can’t say I don’t.”

We checked each other out as we stood around, echoing, “Not bad.”

“Bountiful Booty Club?” I asked?”

“BBC for life!” Dessie wooped.

I didn’t want to take a BBC, so I said, “Maybe we oughta be the PPC. the Plentiful Posterior Club.”

“What does BBC mean? Big Butt Chicken?” She asked, her innocence almost to much to spoil.

Almost. “It means Big Black Cock, and I’m none to keen on fuckin’ one, thank ya.”

“I feel that sentiment more than I should as a woman.” Dessie admitted. “Or at least the whores I knew were always looking for a bigger rod.”

“It is what it is.” I shrugged. “So… Are you going to explain the shitty news now.”

“Oh yeeaah.” Dessie suddenly seemed a lot less eager to talk. “About that…”

“There’s a reason my brain exploded, right?”

“Eeyess…”

“Celestia’s fault?”

“Halfway.”

“Luna too?”

“Mostly there.”

“... Cadance?”

“I think so. My intuition tells me that we’re dealing with twice as many culprits as we can clearly see, and my intuition rarely ever-” She gave me a harsh look before I could even open my mouth all the way, “If you rag on me for dying, I’ll send you back into your body! Don’t be a prick for no reason, bruv.” I shrugged and she continued. “So I know for sure that Celestia’s been mind-raping you like Christmas is still a Roman holiday and you’re a Catholic Altar Boy-”

“Damn.”

“Oh, Luna’s done it less, but she fucks up. Celestia’s stuff shouldn’t have done a damn thing, but Luna’s work is what keeps making you have mental breakdowns and driving you deeper into the hole. I just figured I’d save you a little pain since I’ve been sucking your Magic for a little while now-”

“Hey.”

Dessie rolled her eyes. “Oh shuddup,you didn’t even know you had it. I’ll tell you how to use it since you didn’t know, and I’m nice like that. You can consider it the interest on the Magic I’ve been borrowing since I can’t leave your mind with it.”

“Meh. I guess I can let you get away with the bargain of the century because I’m nice like that.”

She smiled at me wryly. “Thanks, Sugartits. I’ll be sure to wear my banana-hammock with even more pride now.”

I gave her a cheesy wink and my best grin, which made her flinch. “Skibidi-ua-pa-pa. Skibidi ua-pa-pa-pa-pa.”

“Right. So… You wanna get revenge on the cunts who’ve been bending your brain over and fucking my house in the arse?”

I smirked at her and she received that look with much more grace than the first. “Since when do I not want to fuck with people who fuck with me?”

“Atta boy!”

Quoth The Moon

“This one is on thine own head.” Luna said flatly, staring down at her former Familiar’s unconscious form. Sadness ached in her hooves as she remembered the good times, like when he’d beat up Blueblood for her, and when he’d given her a hug for the first time.

In the short time since the events had occurred, the memories had already become noteworthy to her. In the same vein, she knew her sister felt a shallower level of remorse for accidentally breaking Anon. Again. “... It was just a kiss… And he seemed to be reacting to it rather well at that…”

“I dare not enter his mind again.” The younger sister huffed. “A wise mare would hesitate, even with the most deft of hooves.”

“And so I do, sister. So I do.” Celestia let out a heavy sigh and took her time in walking to the other side of Anon’s sickbed. His vital signs were in as excellent order as they’d been the first time Luna had messed up and broken him, and for a biped of his general physiology he seemed to be as fit as any mandolin, let alone a fiddle. “I cannot imagine what caused this, Luna… His most recent return to lucidity seemed to be lasting, and it appeared to be taking hold with every extra piece of affection leveled in his direction. Just minutes before he collapsed, he was holding his head high and giving Cadance a good fright!”

“Consider that we do not know of any behavior that would be abnormal for him, sister, as odd as Anon is. There may have been countless signs that we were simply unaware of, and I imagine that my own actions have given no assistance to Anon’s mental state. For the time being, I suppose all we can do is stay out of his mind and wait for him to return to us as the man he will be.”

“... What if he’s lost even more memories, Luna? We could very well end up dealing with a child in a man’s body.”

“The Youthifying Spell worked on him once. I suspect that Anon is actually highly susceptible to Magic.”

“He did start screaming when I caught him with my Magic… I hope he’s okay in there.” Celestia took a deep breath and let out another disheartened sigh, not quite feeling the aster out of the disaster.

“Perhaps he is the Sleeping Prince Charming who needs a kiss from a beautiful Princess to awaken?” Luna puffed, trying to bring some levity to the situation.

Celestia looked at her from across the bed. “... For what we’ve put this mostly innocent man through, I’d say I owe him the chance.” She leaned down and placed a quick peck on his lips before licking one of his eyes.

Luna did the odd Pony-version of a shrug that was practically like bowing for them and followed suit, doing the exact same thing her sister did. They stood and waited for ten seconds before looking at each other with Luna saying, “He tastes of chocolate.”

“I like it. We might as well keep him alive as a living-lick of some kind. He’s better than salt.” Celestia admitted.

Luna licked him again. “Very dark. There’s a deep cacao note here.”

Her sister gave her an odd, confused look before giving Anon some more slobber. “Really? I was thinking something of a milk-chocolate coated raspberry.”

The sister looked at each other for a few seconds before they commenced covering Anon’s unfortunate face (Or very fortunate. Depends on who you ask) in spit and Pony drool. By the time each of them had licked their halves of Anon’s face pink, they were a little intoxicated and giggly for some odd reason, feeling a buzz that they’d never felt before. It was an odd kind of inebriation that left them feeling go~od and a little lightheaded, which is why neither of them realized that Anon was awake until he grabbed their muzzles and made the two Princesses kisseses. It took them a couple of moment to stop enjoying the incestuous smooch, which incidentally happened to end after they started prodding each others tongues.

Celestia came the closest to being sober first and gave Anon a big, blushy grin. “My Hoomun~!”

He shot her a look before wiping her and her sister’s spit off of his face. “Fuckin’ really, though?”

“Ta~astyyy” Luna groaned, nibbling on Anon’s hand.

He gave her a look too. “What are you doing?”

Celestia licked his neck as he sat up, trying to free his hand from Luna’s mouth. Anon started and whacked the offending mare’s neck before vigorously shaking his hand to free it from the demanding hole that was Luna’s oral orifice. “Mmm~”

Anon looked at the two mares and said, “I have something that tastes better than my hands and face, dammit.”

“Something better!?” they squeed in unison.

He whisked the blanket off of him and pulled his pants and boxers down. “The limp thing is like a lollipop you-” Celestia started for it, but Luna beat her to it, wrapping her thirteen inch long tongue around Anon’s entire shaft. “Fuckin’ Christ!!”

Celestia, both being high as a kite and hornier than a certain spiky lizard, found no reason not to enguly both the tip of her sister’s tongue and the head of Anon’s penis with her mouth for her own desires. She could now taste a layer of hazelnut and a stronger hint of raspberry in the milk chocolate, and as she sucked on both Luna’s tongue and Anon’s member, three heads rose as one man lifted his hips, the growth of his erection proving to be plenty of stimulation in and of itself. Between the silky smooth little bumps on Luna’s tenta-tongue that felt like a lukewarm sea-slug with less weight ensnaring his rod and the rougher, more pronounced, hot bumps of Celestia’s freaky tongue, Anon remembered a special moment.

While he’d been cheating on Vanessa because she cheated on him a thousand times and he eventually had just felt like getting laid by someone who actually might care for him, Anon had found out what it was like to poke a woman’s cervix. As fond as he was of the experience, his partner was less enthusiastic, and so he’d never had another chance to break into the baby bank. While lost in the thought, he found it easily comparable to the current sensations assaulting him and his impressively non-overstimulated cock. Whereas Luna’s tongue felt like the lovely outer walls of Trisha the memorable three-night stand, Celestia’s tongue felt like her womb, and the comparison alone was nearly enough to send him over the edge.

The he remembered that he was getting a dual, super-freaky, furry-style, adoptively incestuous, foot-long-plus-some tongue-based blowjob from the two most powerful Ponies in the country. The nut he busted was legendary between the Royal Sister’s as being the best tasting semen that had ever been sprayed into either one of their mouths. Whereas Celestia got the initial four loads of Anon’s sterile love, Luna got the last twelve having teleported her sister across the room to bobble for dong all on her own. She took Anon’s still-hard shaft into her mouth as she continued to oscillate her tongue around his member, coaxing more and more of his delicious Moose-Tracks and Peanut-Butter Cookie Dough flavored seed into her mouth. However, While Anon finally got to relax after she left him with a hearty slurp, Celestia cantered back over to her sister and kissed her eagerly to get a larger share of the alcoholic-chocolate-whipped-cream-covered fudge-parfait that she’d gotten so ‘little’ of.

While Luna and her sister happily swapped their treasures between the two of them and soaked the floor beneath their respective flanks, Anon stared at the ceiling. Then he glanced at them. He looked back to the ceiling and sighed with contentment. Sadly, none of the Sick Bay staff were going to forget what they’d seen anytime soon. Not his problem. However, it was probably going to be Celestia and Luna’s problem if things continued, but neither of them were in any shape to do more than swap the drug they’d unknowingly ingested into each other’s mouths and cum buckets all over the place. Eventually Anon let out a little whistle to get their attention once he was done watching the show, catching both mare’s attention easily. Celestia pulled her tongue out of her sister’s demanding mouth, a thin white line connecting their lips. Both Princess flicked their tongues out to catch the last little bit of Anon’s cum that they could as he chuckled with the most true and genuine emotion he’d felt in so long:

Schadenfreude.

Both Princesses could feel something emanating from Anon, but Luna was the first to recover. She was also the first one to slip in her own juices and get both a taste and a snoutful of her, Celestia, and Anon. “Urgh~! What-? What in the BLAZES!?”

She skittered to her hooves as the sound of her subjects coming to her aid sounded behind her. She hastily cleaned up the puddle that she was lying in, but nothing was going to purge the scent of her and her sister’s raw arousal from the air. A brave, brave soul asked, “Pr-Princess?”

Luna glared him down, the fury in her gaze making the stallion wet himself on the spot, along with some of the staff members that were standing too close to him. After all, Celestia was known to disappear ponies who knew too much, and Luna…? Nopony ever knew what happened to the Ponies who crossed Luna. Even as half of her body could have passed for brick red, making her a perfect candidate for urban stealth missions, not a pony in the room dared say a damn. Thing.”

Not a Pony, that is. “That was fuck-ing-”

Luna blew a hole in the wall behind Anon’s head, pelting the back of his pate with plaster and pebbles. “Thou were saying something, we doth believe?”

Anon barked out a laugh. “The fuck I was. Moment’s passed.”

She nodded, her blush receding. Luna turned back to start giving orders as every pony that wasn’t an Alicorn in the room dropped as so many stones in the river. Luna looked at the offending stoner and said, “Mindwipe?”

“Everyone.” Celestia glared at Anon.

He met her gaze and gave her a peaceful smile. Gentle, but full of sorrow as many of his true smiles were. In the moment, Anon decided to listen to Dessie’s advice and let the emotions he generally swallowed surface for a moment. “... Haven’t we done that enough?”

Luna nodded. “One more time won’t hurt.”

“... It actually might.” Her sister countered. “And… We’re the ones who fell into his… flavors~” Celestia moaned, the clarity of embarrassment fading for a moment, the cum in her belly tickling her womb in just the right way.

The Lunar Diarch knew exactly how she felt since her own loins were already flooding with more moisture, her legendarily steadfast willpower draining as the pressure of being in private with no more prying eyes looking upon her as her body surrendered to one of the last gifts The Lord ever gave Humans to hold over the alien races: Opioid Cum. Special Flavors was another, but it was the cum that had Luna and Celestia licking their lips all over again. Anon didn’t even need to follow the plan he’d just come up with, but he did need to get Dessie to stop bitching inside of his brain.

“Alright ladies, here’s what we’re going to do,” Anon said grinning. “If either of you want more, then I don’t want any trouble over this. I was kidding. You just raped the fuck out of me.” They blinked because they couldn't tell if he was joking. “On top of mind-raping me multiple times, I’d say you two don’t need another dose of me right now-”

“Don’t be hasty, now,” Her Royal Majesty Princess-bucking-Celestia said quickly, “Losing our favor would mean-”

“I can stop myself from spilling a drop. It’s not hard. Even if you want to rape me again, all you’re getting out of it is the chocolate part. I assume the sauce is better.”

Luna ground her teeth. “If we can force thou to live we can force thee to breed.”

“Here and now.” Anon smirked. “I want to see you muzzle-deep in your sister before I even think about doing you that little favor.”

The Lunar Diarch looked at the Solar Diarch. The Solar looked to the Lunar.

“One condition,” Luna started,

“And only one, for fairness sake.” Celestia raised her chin.

Anon lifted a brow. “You want some too?”

“Variety is the spice of life after all~” The White Princess of the Sun, Symbol of Purity across the lands, crooned like a mare freshly into Spring Estrus.

Luna glared at her. “Sister! Remember thy place!”

The elder stared at the younger. “I haven’t felt this damn good since we bumped Fleur de Sel! Even then that buzz wasn’t this good!”

Her more streetwise sister sighed. “Thou never tell thy dealer thine addiction.”

“We’re Princesses practically begging to fuck him.”

“She’s got a point, you know,” Anon chimed in, stroking himself casually as the sisters argued.

Celestia gave him a look. “Why don’t you do me first? Don’t you like your women with a little flank to throw around?”

Luna glared at her. “Of course he prefers a slim, toned mare with a flank fit for-” Anon reached over and grabbed it as she said, “gazing upon!”

He felt some of the dew from her earlier arousal, finding it to be much thicker and stickier than a Human woman’s love juices. When he gave his fingers a suckle for the fuckles of it, he found that Luna tasted like blueberry pie with homemade vanilla ice cream on top. The Princess he was tasting stared at him, her inner indignation warring with the heat raging on in her sex. Primal lust as well as the desire to get another taste of the delicious Human struck her in the nose, slamming her in the nether regions. She carefully twisted to try for another mouthful of who Anon really was, but he pushed her snout away and got off the bed.

“You’re getting greedy, pet.” Anon taunted.

Luna glared at him with a certain fire in her eyes that spelled out ‘HATE FUCK’ in big, bold letters. “You’re getting cocky,” She purred.

“Fuckin’- I’m boning Celestia first,” He announced.

“Yes!”

“Confound it!”

Anon crawled over the bed and Celestia eager swept her tail to the side, both cheeks of her flank looking more than grabbable to Anon, though they seemed to be more fat than anything to her sister. While Luna glared on in jealousy as Anon beamed at Celestia’s sex instead of hers, the Human rubbed the tip of his rdb between Celestia’s full, beautiful lips. The Lunar Diarch grew antsy as she saw that the teasing was going to continue, both she and her sister eager for the real party to start. As Celestia tried, backing into Anon, he squeezed her flank and earned a moan for the action.

“Whatcha doooin’, Celly?” He asked innocuously.

Celestia turned a pouty eye to him. “Don’t make me beg~”

“How do you feel about getting a taste of blueberry-”

Luna skittered away from her side of the bed and Celestia met her sister’s flank, and yes, it was her flank, with an urgent tongue that felt all too similar to a big, hot noodle. The Lunar Diarch wasn’t exactly what one would call a ‘fan’ of anal, but she was what you would call a ‘complete and total anal cumdump’, if that paints a better picture. She and Celestia had experimented plenty in their first few centuries and had formed a lasting bond throughout the years when estrus ran long, so the elder sister knew exactly how to worm her way into her sweet little whorsie’s plot for maximum pleasure.

Anon, however, could only tell that Celestia’s face was buried between Luna’s cheeks and that the younger sibling had started panting lightly within a few seconds of her sister’s efforts. Not one to be outdone, Anon repositioned his hands on Celestia’s flank and spread her entrance wide open for his personal use,the tip of his head being swallowed easily by the Princesses marehood. Unlike any woman he’;d had before, Celestia’s walls were nearly hot to the point of being uncomfortable, but it was a certain kind of heat that made Anon feel blessed like never before. In just a few seconds, he went from soaking in the moment to having his socks soaked by Celestia, not even ten humps into trying to reach the mountain top.

While he couldn’t tell if Ponies were just good at lubrication or what, he decided to try Celestia’s honey as well and found that she tasted a lot like buttercream frosting. She was quite delicious, so Anon fervently searched for her clitoris and grabbed a cup from the nightstand nearby. As Celestia gave Anon a steady trickle of her juices, her tried to continue thrusting, but his attention was honestly more on the horse-juice. It was that damn good. Once the glass was half full and Anon was feeling as optimistic as he ever got, he decided to brass-balls his way into Celestia’s plot with a well lubricated soldier leading the way into her grey rosebud.

The second his tip popped into Celestia’s flank, she nearly bit her own tongue, cumming hard from the alien’s crazy penis. She didn’t understand why having her marehood numbed felt so good, but she understood that she was cumming like mad for a man with a girth worthy of a bashful apology on his part. At least, to a fucking Alicorn he wasn’t much. It wasn’t the depth or the width of his member that made her mind go blank, satisfying her to the core. It most certainly wasn’t his technique, either. It was Magic Dick, as Celestia knew it, and she’d fallen prey to it. The Princess cared as little as was conceivably possible when Anon sprayed deep in her plot, the numbing potion that was his seed worming its way up into her stomach before whiting her mind out completely.

Celestia convulsed in the throes of consecutive, increasingly violent orgasms, her voice filling the Sick Bay to the point where Anon and Luna both covered their ears. Eventually she stopped moaning and shrieking, but she never stopped smiling or shaking as the former cowboy took up an old trade and rode the bucking Pony for all she was worth. Taking into account that he’d been unconscious for a day and some change, Anon had an unusual amount of semen to share with his new lovers. In fact, he and Luna took the time to gape at the quarter-cup the remaining Princess had collected. Celestia’s flank was still high in the air, so Anon started devouring her flower before Luna cleared her throat loudly.

Anon looked at her expectantly. “Yes?”

She looked at the cum dripping off of his face and pointed at Celestia.. “Do that to us.”

“We don’t even know if she-”

“The last time she came that hard, she broke our jaw.”

“Mmm~ You wouldn’t mind cleaning me off before you clean her up then, right?”

Luna smirked. “Finally, thou speaketh sense.”

She approached with her plot swaying, her half lidded gaze doing nothing for Anon. They both knew that she would happily honeypot herself if he didn’t give her what she wanted, but they were both also aware of the fact that it just wouldn’t be as fun. It was by a mutual agreeance and a certain dislike of each other that they came to an understanding without saying a word. Luna just wanted to get a high and Anon just wanted to demean her. The Princess’ pride had fallen before the American’s and in the moment, she didn’t care. When she was licking her sisters juices off of him, she didn’t care. When she was plunging his pole into her mouth, swirling her tongue under the tip to get every last drop, she didn’t care. All the mare wanted was another taste of the sweet, sweet ecstasy her sister had gotten, and when she finished cleaning Anon off, she got to drink her reward and even go spelunking for more in her sister’s formerly forbidden hole.

Luna was aware of Celestia’s general dislike of anal, or rather, the rareness of the occasion that she was in the mood for it, so she tailored her approach to her sister’s plot accordingly. However, as she teased the entrance of her sister’s no-no hole, Luna considered that Celestia had probably just let Anon ram his cock in there without saying a damned thing other than screaming into her quim. While it had felt like a better version of the ever-loved Hummer, it had also been loud. And in her vagina. As with the many things wrong with the situation she found herself in, Luna simply forgot to give a shit about anything other than getting Anon to buck her senseless, which she realized he wasn’t doing a few minutes after she’d already thoroughly purged Celestia of his seed.

When she turned to look at him, she saw him standing with his erection prominently hanging forth and his arms crossed, looking far too amused. “Thine end of the bargain?”

Anon patted the uncomfortable bed. “Hop up.”

Luna glared at him and licked Celestia’s and his own cum off of her lips, blushing as she presented her flank to him for use and abuse. “Thou may begin at any time.”

The Human had other plans. Instead of taking Luna doggy- Er, Ponystyle, he rolled her over onto her back and exposed her teats, making her blush ever brighter in the luminent lights of the Sick Bay. “How about doing it like this?”

Luna glared up at him with much vengeance and fuuurious angah. “Buck up or shut up.”

Anon placed his rod between her teats and pressed them together, making Luna blush just a little harder as his fingers tested her sensitive nipples. “I’m bucking.”

“Buck us, not our teats.”

Anon grinned and pressed his member against Luna’s marehood. “I have notoriously bad aim, now-”

“We would prefer it there! Just hurry up!”

The Human rammed his cock in her pussy, then straight into her plot. What he wasn’t expect was that Luna would be considerably harder to penetrate than her sister on both accounts, making both parties grunt in pleasure and a teaspoon of discomfort. Luna had squeezed her eyes tight until the Human’s precious hands worked their non-magical Magic on her, the warmth of his paws seeping into her mammaries. His size was more than adequate for Luna since she wasn’t fond of seeing her stomach bulge, and she was a good deal smaller than Celestia anyway. She also knew from lovers long past how to tighten and undulate her muscles; a skill she showcased to Anon when he pinched and pulled on both of her teats at the same time.

Luna couldn’t do much other than lie of her back and avoid hurting her wings while the Human turned her mind into mush and staked a claim on her private plot of mare that probably wouldn’t be shaken anytime soon. The feeling of his rod pistoning in and out of her flank was orgasmic, of course, but unlike Celestia she was unused to consecutive orgasms. By the time Anon started spilling pre-cum into Luna’s honeypot, she could barely form the words to tell him to buck her harder. Thrust after thrust rocked Luna’s world as she wondered why she’d gone celibate in the first place if a cock could be so good. If it only took one of a high quality, then there was no point in trying to just take care of oneself, in Luna’s eyes, clouded as they were by raw euphoria.

As all things must, Anon’s time inside Luna came to an end as he came in her end, timing his climax with one of Luna’s many orgasms. The first load of his seed was enough to knock Luna out cold, whiting her mind out into a thoughtless abyss where all she felt was good. It took time, but she eventually came back to her senses after Celestia cast a spell to wake her from the literal coma she was in. As the Princess of the Night awoke from the best sex she’d ever had with the smallest dick she’d sucked since becoming an Alicorn, she looked around with a happy, bleary smile on her face.

Celestia prodded her from the side of the bed, Luna herself being splayed across it in a very unnatural position for a Pony. “Luna?”

“Heeey~!”

“Sister, I’ve wiped our servants’ minds. They’ll awake within ten minutes.”

Luna blinked. “Shit! Where’s Cum-Fount? Er, we mean Anon?”

“We sent him off to go eat apples and zinc supplements. Can you stand?”

Luna turned her head and saw that her sister wasn’t exactly standing herself. “Canst thou?”

“Pony-Sutra it is.”

Author's Note

And here we have another chapter of some shit. Lemme know whatcha think.

Chapter One: A Certain Puzzle

A Certain ‘Puzzle’.

Quoth The Moon

Luna stared at the confounded thing for just five minutes more, trying to unlock the secrets therein so she could finally triumph over her sister. She’d beaten Celestia at plenty of things before, but the overgrown whorse had been quite adamant about Luna not being able to solve the puzzle she’d made. She’d already spent six hours on it, turning it about with her Magic, rolling the odd rounded cube with her hoof as she glared at it. There were fissures in the metal ‘cube’s’ surface that she tried to invade with Magic, but nothing happened. There were button like devices on each flat surface and one of each corner, but all Luna had found from pressing from them was that they seemed to make a sound every time they were pressed.

If she was honest with herself, Luna would have said that she was stumped. She knew that the little device wasn’t a common thing in modern Equestrian society, so she only knew to ask her sister of how to disassemble or otherwise solve the riddle cube. Sadly, Luna’s pride was too great to shell out the ten bits for the answer to Celestia’s insufferable riddle, so she decided to do something only a little dishonorable and go to Cadance to see if she would know anything of the puzzle. Nothing ever happened in Night Court, so Luna told her steward to hold down the fort, so to speak, so she could take a quick trip to the Crystal Empire where the day was still young.

She rose through Cadance’s shadow and got an eyeful of Shining Armour’s favorite meal before she decided to teleport off to the side of the mare and avoid getting a muzzleful of strawberry taffy flavored mare. “Good morning, Cadenza.” Luna greeted formally, looking around the Crystal Castle’s Throne Room. “I believe I require thine assistance.”

Cadance started and looked at her aunt. “Oh! I wasn’t expecting to see you today, Luna. It’s nice to see you though, so what can I help with?”

Luna levitated the cube over to Cadance and they closed ranks to look at it together. “Celestia has challenged me to open this cube and I find that I cannot. I wish for your assistance, favored niece.”

Cadance beamed at Luna’s mild praise as her tail swished. “Of course Auntie Luna! We’ll have the cube opened up in no time!”

Luna gave her a stoic nod and let Cadance’s Magic hold the cube. “I have tried pressing the buttons, but all they do is make musical notations. I have tried making the national anthem of Equestria and that did not solve the puzzle.”

Cadance raised a hoof to her chin and narrowed her eyes at the cube, giving it a few test nudges when she was done rubbing her chin. “It’s definitely a thing, but whatever kind of thing it is, I’m pretty sure somepony smart made it.”

Luna gave her a flat look. “Well, isn’t that an astute observation.”

Cadance blushed and cleared her throat. “Sorry…”

The Princess of the Night draped a wing over her shoulder. “Perhaps that came out harsher than I meant. I was not trying to guilt you, dear niece.”

Cadance gave Luna another smile, but as she did, the cube started making strange sounds that it hadn’t made for Luna by herself, and suddenly a layer of the cube was missing. “... Okay, that was odd.” Cadance commented. “It’s like it knew that you were being nice after being a little mean.”

Luna gave her a sidelong glance and huffed. “I am not mean, I am simply sharper with my tone than would be determined necessary by most ponies.”

The Princess of Love gave her a concerned look. “Uh, Luna? Nice ponies don’t coat nice ponies in ketchup because they accidentally turned one of your lamps into a dancing appliance.”

“Twilight deserved it and that is final. She smelled considerably better than usual afterwards anyway.” The blue Alicorn huffed haughtily.

The pink Alicorn gave her a look. “You’re nearly four thousand years old, and yet you still can’t figure out a proper response to an honest mistake?”

Luna colored and coughed. “I believe we’re getting off topic. We were trying to solve this cube, were we not?”

Cadance fixed Luna with a look that made the older Alicorn feel uncomfortable around the tail area. Cadance had been known to try and hit those she thought needed a love spell with exactly that, so Luna was preparing to make a run for it at a moment’s notice just in case Cadance decided to get freaky on her. However, Cadance just rolled her eyes and tapped a few buttons on the cube in a seemingly random order and roughly rolled the thing back over to Luna.

“There. It should be almost solved, but I’m being serious about your relationship with Twilight. It’s kind of pathetic, Luna.” Cadance gave her a concerned look and Luna blushed.

“... We will endeavor to make a better bond with the filly, but we make no promises.” Luna answered.

“Auntie Luna, why don’t you like Twily? She’s not that bad, though I don’t know how to say that she’s bad at all. A little inattentive sometimes, and a little narrow-minded at others, but she’s truly one of the most genuine, kindest, most brilliant minds of the new era! She’ll make a fantastic Princess when she’s ready, and she could be ready even faster if you’d pitch in and help her.”

Luna put her hoof on the puzzle cube and rolled it a little bit. “... I do not know entirely. Twilight Sparkle is simply a foil to myself in ways that you would not understand. Where she is Celestia’s student due to her magical aptitude, I was Celestia’s student in a different time due to my physical aptitude. I feel as though she is my junior and is Celestia’s favored student, though I know that my claim to her heart as her sister is far more worthy. I suppose I do not like Twilight because she is a threat to my position, though you could say that I don’t like her because I feel as though she is an intruder in my life.”

“... You’re jealous of Twilight?” Cadance asked slowly.

Luna gave her a dark look that was ruined by her blush. “Silence, puny mortal.”

The taffy-toned Princess gave her an odd look. “I’m your equal in name and I’m also an Alicorn.”

“I can make you mortal.” Luna grumbled saltily.

“Eep! I-I don’t know what I was talking about! Ah-ha ha. Ah-ha. Ha…” Cadance chuckled nervously.

Luna took her newfound victory in stride and said, “I believe I will be speaking to Twilight in a moment. She will help me solve the cube entirely.”

Cadance gave Luna a little smile. “I think she’d appreciate you coming to her for help.”

Luna blushed. “As long as she doesn’t come to expect it.”

“Why wouldn’t she?”

“Silence mortal.”

“Immortal silencing.”

Luna nodded curtly and walked into Cadance’s shadow as she said, “Thank you for your time, favored niece. Next time I will bring breakfast cake.”

“Ooh, bring cherry chiffon! The Canterlot Crown Confectionery has the best cake in Equestria!” Cadance ‘joked’. She really did want that cake.

Luna gave her a little smile. “With or without the dark chocolate drizzle?”

Her niece’s mouth watered. “The drizzle makes it even better!”

They both chuckled and exchanged familial nuzzles before Luna shadow walked herself into Twilight’s current dream, which was a wet dream in a lot of strange ways. The first way that it was wet was in the traditional sense: Twilight’s dream was taking place on a long schooner that she was the Captain of. The second way Twilight’s dream was soggyc was due to the rum that flowed from barrels around the ship, and the third way Twilight’s dream had a little extra humidity was due to the fact that everything was having some kind of sex. Anal, bondage, extreme fetishes; you name it, Twilight had it going on inside of her head. Luna’s marehood ached when she saw somepony getting effectively tased in the crotch throughout multiple ejaculations.

Luna was a little scared for her flank, but she had a question for Twilight, so she altered the purple mare’s dream bit by bit until it was clean and family friendly, to which Twilight responded rather positively until Luna made her aware of the fact that she was in a dream. “Luna? What brings you to my vessel?”

The Princess of Dreams tapped her front right hoof on the deck of Twilight’s boat twice before the younger Princess blinked. “I have come for you assistance, Twilight Sparkle. Celestia has posed a challenge to me and I cannot solve it myself. I require assistance from a younger, more broadened mind.”

“Oh! I-I’d be honored to help, Prince- Er, Luna.” Twilight gave the elder mare an anxious, eager-to-please kind of smile that Luna found disgustingly endearing.

The nocturne blushed and cleared her throat, a little flustered by Twilight’s desperate need for approval. “W-Well, all I need is a little help with a puzzle. I assume that you are familiar with some of my sister’s works?”

Twilight’s eyes lit up and she trotted in place happily. “Oh, I know a lot of Celestia’s tricks! I can totally help you with one of her puzzle sphere’s if that’s what this is about!”

Luna chuckled a little. “I do not know about a puzzle sphere, but I do know that the puzzle cube she has given me is difficult. Cadance seemed to understand it, but I believe you may be able to solve it in its entirety.”

Twilight smiled and shuffled her hooves. “Oh, I’ve never seen a puzzle cube before! Shall I wake up so we can have a look at it together?”

“I can introduce it into the dream if you do not wish to lose sleep.” The elder Alicorn offered.

“Oh, that’s pretty interesting.” Twilight commented. “You can bring physical objects into dreams?”

Luna nodded. “Any Alicorn can do it as long as they have the spells and aptitude. I will have to teach you how to do it sometime.” She brought forth the weakened puzzle cube and Twilight gave it a once over.

“Ah, this is a Familiar cube, Luna. Not a puzzle cube.” Twilight informed cheerfully.

“A familiar cube? You have seen it before?” Luna asked, recognizing the terms, just not the combination.

“Well, yes, but this is actually a copy of one of my experiments, and it’s designed to let you input whatever kind of parameters you want for a Familiar. It’s actually one of my favorite experiments.” Twilight gave Luna a wide smile and levitated the cube over to herself. “It seems like Cadance put in some general parameters for you, but I’m sure you would prefer-”

“I do not want a Familiar.” Luna grunted.

Twilight blinked. “... You don’t want a new friend?”

“I have never liked the idea of having a Familiar. Enslaving a being to be forever by my side until its life passes makes my heart ache at the thought alone. No, I would much rather save some being the pain of being torn from its home for my sake.” Luna said softly.

“... I guess I never thought to ask how a Familiar would feel, but my Familiar was happy to meet me… I thought everyone else’s Familiars would be happy to meet them as well.” Twilight replied at the same volume.

Luna’s heart throbbed alittle at the rapidly saddening expression on Twilight’s face, so she decided to break out the treats and throw her a bone since Celestia and Cadance had now made comments on her relationship with Twilight. “... Would your summoning cube be able to select a familiar that would be happy to serve me?” The Princess of the Night inquired.

Twilight perked up. “You can do just about anything you want with the cube! You can use it to summon things from anywhere on Equus with any kind temperament!”

Luna gave Twilight a suspicious look. “I can have it summon any kind of creature? One that would not miss its home or resent me for asking it to complete tasks?”

“Yes! I can add those parameters in for you if you want!” Twilight offered, getting a little anxious. Twilight respected Luna nearly as much as Celestia, so she wanted to impress the older mare with her revolutionary invention by any means necessary.

Luna hummed. “Odd… I have to admit that having assurances that my Familiar would be content by my side intrigues me.”

“Right!? You know, I’m surprised that you haven’t had a Familiar before.”

“I have had Familiars before, but they felt trapped after being summoned, so I released them to avoid making them suffer.” Luna explained. “I find it inponane to keep beings that wish to be elsewhere unless I am intentionally imprisoning them for wrongdoings.”

“Sometimes the way you say things scares me, but then I remember that Celestia says the same stuff in a nicer way and I start feeling better.” Twilight commented.

Luna gave her an odd look because she was an odd mare. “... Right. Well, I believe Celestia was trying to trick me into getting a Familiar. Possibly an unruly one.”

Twilight took her eyes off of Luna and input Celestia’s earlier commands into the ball since Cadance had only done half. “I don’t think that’s it. However, now’s a good time for you to start listing off features you want your Familiar to have.”

“List them off aloud, or write them down?”

“It’s easier if I hear them.” The young Princess teased.

Luna, the Matriarch of Mayhem oh so long ago, let her eye twitch be the only outward sign of irritation. “I do not want to risk getting a Familiar that would only wish to go home.”

“It’s not like the cube can’t send them back.” Twilight said a little irritably, though she tried to keep her tone friendly and assuring. “It’ll also bring forth something that will be willing to hug you on the spot so long as it comes from Equus. Name your Familiar, Luna.”

“I do not want one, thus I bid you farewell so I may return to Night Court. Thank you for your time, Twilight Sparkle.” Luna gave her a curt nod, her tone clipped and her irritation a little more evident.

The world’s tiniest violin sounded in triplicate from behind Twilight’s slumped, saddened, malaised form. “B-But… Why would you want to open the cube if you didn’t want a familiar?”

Luna raised a brow at Twilight’s antics. She was a little disturbed by how personally Twilight had taken the slight, even if she hadn’t meant it as such. “Celestia posed it to me as a challenge. I thought it was little more than a puzzle with a missive and a piece of candy inside.”

“Oh.”

The elder Princess had a lot on her mind in one little moment. On one hoof, she could ignore Twilight’s implied plea for her to get a Familiar and keep her lone wolf standing, which honestly didn’t sound horrible or even like it was the bad choice it should have been. However, on the other hoof, there was the possibility of appeasing Twilight and getting a Familiar, which didn’t sound that bad. It was mostly just and unpleasant prospect, having something not quite intelligent around to do her bidding when she could have a fully intelligent (Though possibly incompetent) servant do what she wanted. Luna supposed that she could throw Twilight this one bone and have her summon a decent Familiar for her since she could send her companion aspirant back if she didn’t like it.

“I suppose finding a Familiar that would suit my purposes would not be terrible.” Luna drawled theatrically.

Twilight’s face lit up as expected and she began pawing at the ground. “Just say the Magic words and we’ll get started!”

Luna had to resist the temptation to roll her eyes. “Perhaps you could suggest some words for me, or rather, some inputs for your device.”

Twilight nodded rapidly. “Of course! Let’s see… It’ll need to be something long-lived, right?”

“Yes, but preferably non-magical. Magical Familiars have a hard time adapting to my presence.”

“Ah, your magical aura is really off-putting if you’re magically sensitive.” Twilight chuckled nervously.

The elder Princess scoffed. “I do not see the point in restraining my aura. All ponies should let their power manifest and present itself as I do.”

Twilight didn’t agree mostly due to the fact that most ponies didn’t have Luna’s veritable Moon of Magic to work with, but she continuously input new commands she thought Luna would like into the cube. “Is there anything else you want your Familiar to have?”

“It should have a certain level of intelligence. Oh, and it should be unique in some way! If I am to have some Familiar by my side, it must not be some common creature.”

“Well, we could see if there are any not insectoid creatures that walk on more or fewer legs than an average Equisian.” Twilight input a bipedal command since she thought it would be interesting to see. “Is there anything else?”

“Hmm… Make it agile or dextrous. I like quick things.”

She entered it into the cube. “Done. What else should there be?”

“Could it possibly change colors?”

Twilight resisted the temptation to give her a look and roll her eyes because she didn’t want to get her teeth bucked out of her mouth. “I don’t know if I can put that into the cube.”

“Fair enough. I would like my Familiar to be accustomed to darkness. It does not have to be entirely nocturnal, but I would prefer it to be.”

“I already put that one in for you.” The purple Alicorn answered happily.

“Lovely. What else…” Luna looked upward and rubbed her chin.

Twilight copied her, but she came up with something faster. “Oh! What about its size?”

“It needs to be smaller than me.” The nocturne answered flatly.

“Most Familiars do tend to be on the small side, but that’s usually for magical potentiators like Philomena, Spike, or Owlowiscious.” Twilight said nervously.

“It literally just has to be able to fit on my back without breaking me.” Luna replied drily.

Twilight input some complicated parameters using some of Luna’s Magical Signature to identify some of her limitations since it was hard to find out through non-magical means. “And done. What else?”

“... Should it be male or female?” Luna asked curiously.

Twilight shrugged. “I think going with the opposite gender for a Familiar is the norm, but having one of the same sex could be interesting.”

Luna considered it for a moment. “I rarely find favor in the eyes of females. Stallions tend to prefer my company over mares.”

“Male it is then.” Twilight said, wondering why Luna would ask if she was going to disregard her answer.

“... It is a tough decision. Oh well, I suppose male will have to do, though I suppose I could always get a second Familiar if I like the first well enough.” Luna said, falling into the Familiar Paradox.

Twilight recognized it quickly. “Remember, Luna; a Familiar is something you’re going to be entrusting with a lot of your magic and a piece of your heart. It’s not like getting a Familiar is like getting a pet.”

Princess Luna blushed lightly, having heard the wisdom in Twilight’s words. “Verily thou art correct. We shall default unto thine wisdom on the matter.”

Twilight smiled and hooved the final button on the Summoning Cube. “I think it’s just too enticing to have multiple Familiars, which is understandable.” It was rich coming from a pony with two Familiars, but Luna let the hypocrisy slide. “Is there anything else you want from this Familiar before I prepare the cube for summoning?”

“... Can it have chocolate brown eyes?” Luna asked, her fondness for chocolate running deep into her favorite color.

Twilight gave her a wide smile and input the command. “Done! If you’re not quite ready for the summoning in here, then you can just press the glowing button whenever you’re prepared.”

Luna nodded and teleported the cube to her private chambers. “I will summon my Familiar come morning. For now, thank you and dream well, Twilight Sparkle.”

“Glad to help, Luna! If you don’t mind me asking, what was happening about before you came into my dream?” Twilight inquired innocuously.

Luna flushed and cleared her throat. “Another time, perhaps. Sail on, Captain.”

Luna took her leave seconds later and teleported herself back into Night court because she had little else to do other than summon her Familiar. She decided to wait until morning to go through with the summoning, but then she realized that she was being ridiculous and figured that Twilight would have given her a nocturnal creature; thus she should summon it as soon as possible. Since nothing was going on in Night Court, she summoned the cube and looked it over for the glowing button. Once she located it, she gave it a press and tossed it onto the open floor a few feet away from her as she felt the magic inside the cube start to wake up and warble unlike anything she’d felt before. Well, Luna knew what was going on, and it was actually a spell going wrong, but she wasn’t the originator of the spell, nor did she know how to shut it down since Cadance and Twilight had been the ones to load the spell with most of the Magic it was running off of. Runes started whipping out from the glowing mass of metal and one hit Luna in her left eye, turning it from a greenish blue to a bright, milky, pale blue that signified the loss of sight and the gain of another magick. Luna recoiled from the impact and erected a shield that was too late to save her eye, but that was just in time to stop her from being blown back by the small explosion that the cube gave off.

✯☾Ω☽✯

Quoth The Lord

Anon put the noose around his neck and scratched his chin. He’d lit enough candles to give the place a properly romantic atmosphere, he’d set up the delayed text to his sweet elderly neighbor Mrs. Altham that he was going to take the easy way out and that he was leaving his savings and stuff to her if she wanted it, and he was pretty fucking lit, the party going hardy in his veins, lungs, and even his anus. Anon had gone out and talked to his buddy Jason and had blown a whole check and a few hundred more dollars on nothing but drugs and junk to fill his himself, which was why Anon was hanging onto the noose as he wobbled on his stool. He was ready to go, but his buzz was going strong and it was making the moment a little less sweet, in Anon’s opinion. In fairness, when one has a set way they want to die, it’s not like they’re usually going to be willing to take a consolation prize. The way Anon saw it, he could hang for as long as he wanted after he loaded his little thirty-eight special. He only needed one round for his sweet release, but he put two in the chamber, just in case hanging himself and putting one in his heart wasn’t good enough.

Anon whistled a merry tune while he worked, not glancing at the pictures of his ex-fiance who’d broken up with him two years ago on the same day that he’d set up, or the pictures of the parents he’d lost four years ago, date withstanding. June fifteenth was just a bad day for Anon in general, and after being told that he wasn’t allowed to compete in the competitive circuit for his MMA club for being too merciless the year before and being fired earlier in the day because of cutbacks due to the company being poorly run, there were just too many adequate reasons (In Anon’s mind) for him to give it up and find something more fun to do.

Like dying, for one.

It wasn’t like Anon was particularly depressed or anything. In fact, the guy was actually pretty fun to be around most of the time. He just didn’t see the point in living since the people he’d loved most, i.e. his parents and middle school sweetheart, were no longer in his life. He’d met more people that he’d liked plenty enough, but there was something wrong in Anon’s head to begin with and it just told him that he’d best get out before he became homeless and life got bad. Anon realized that he was acting like a coward, taking the easy way out at the first sign of the going getting tough; he just didn’t care. He honestly thought he was doing the world a favor by not waiting around until he got bitter and hateful, so when he slipped the second bullet into his thirty-eight after dropping most of the pocketful he’d had, he kicked the stool out from underneath himself.

Anon dangled by his neck for a little bit, convinced that being hung was probably one of the worst things he’d ever experienced. The way the grit of the rope dug into his flesh and pulled at it, tearing it, made him very uncomfortable, and that’s not to mention that he could hear his vertebrae popping despite his muscles tensing up against his will. Anon figured he’d better stop wasting his time when his legs started kicking without him meaning to move them, so he pulled the hammer of his gun back and pressed it against the center of his chest since anatomy wasn’t really his strong suit. Pulling the trigger took a lot more willpower than Anon thought that it would have, but the loud report of the gun told him that he’d squeezed hard enough to make it count.

With an aching chest and a rapidly darkening world, Anon summoned up the last of his strength for the last actions he would ever commit on Earth. The first was the formation of a finger circle on his left hand for the lols and keks (Shits and giggles) of fucking with people after he passed, and the second was getting the same revolver under his chin so he could paint the ceiling pink and gray. Much to Anon’s displeasure, he lost the remainder of his strength away before he could get the gun up, but he died with it in hand, blood dripping from his fingers as his muscles refused to go limp. Dehydration does that to a person, which should be a rather subtle indicator of how well planned Anon’s suicide was. Everything from the caliber of the bullet, which had been the same one used to kill his older brother back when he was still under four feet tall, down to the scent of the candles strewn across the room. Sugar Cookie had always been Vanessa’s favourite and Vanilla Bean with Cinnamon had been his mother’s crux.

Everything had gone to plan.

Kinda.

Anon let his eyes close for the last time before he opened them for the first time. Before him stood a Caucasian man, then an African woman, and then an androgynous being that could have been Hispanic, Latino, or Asian since Anon was pretty bad with recognizing racial features. The being shifted between races and sexes with casual fluidity until it settled on one final form; the first it had chosen. The man had dark brown hair and a handsome, roguish face that held a smirk that seemed well worn. It was a familiar expression to Anon, but he didn’t know the man, and he knew that they were strangers because he’d never met a person with dichromatic eyes. He took in the new person’s clean-cut physique that had most likely taken a decade of toning and sculpting to earn, which Anon respected as a member of the martial arts community as a whole. He saw in the other man a fighter above comparison, but it was a sad occurrence to the unknown fellow since he knew that there would have been a time that Anon would have asked for a quick match. Only one of the men knew the other, and the new face knew more about Anon than either would have cared for.

“Wotcher, mate.” The mystery man said in a friendly manner as the two floated in the void. “Seems like you took a ride down the Suislide.”

“Sure did. Mind telling me why I’m still existing?” Anon asked pleasantly. It wasn’t the new fellow’s fault that he wasn’t quite dead yet. At least, not to Anon’s knowledge, he wasn’t.

“You see, I just don’t like it when people kill themselves and it’s not because their future seems to be filled of blades and bullets. You could’ve picked yourself back up, but you decided that you were going to fall flat and call it there, which is just bullshit, mate. Millions of people would have killed to have your setup, your capital; human and physical. You had a good thing going, you just didn’t like a few things, so I’m canceling your death request.” The man said irritably.

Anon gave him a look. “Are you God or something?”

“God has a name, and it’s Maximus.” Maximus huffed in the most manly of manners. I mean, far be it from me to say that the ruler of a universe huffed like a bitch. A diminutive bitch at that.

“Right. I’m calling you Max.” Anon said.

“That’s perfectly fine.” Max nodded.

“Right again. So… I’m just going to… I dunno… Float for a bit.” Anon flapped his arms and tried to fly away to avoid being punished by God.

Max gave him a look. “You’re not doing shit. Pick some super powers.”

“The ability to drain life from things.” Anon said immediately.

“You’re not killing yourself again. Suiciders get sent off to quote unquote ‘better places’ with stuff that’ll help them adjust. What do you want to help you feel like a whole person, you empty sack of meat?” Maximus finished with a casual insult to see how Anon would handle it.

“First off, you’re mom ghey. Second, why do I need some magic bullshit if you’re powerful enough to just give me superpowers? Why not just make me normal and send me to Hell for killing myself?” Anon folded his arms and tilted his head, his tone inviting, though his face was flat.

Maximus knew he had an experiment with potential when he saw the sheer hollowness inside of Anon. It was actually amusing to bleed emotions into the guy’s soul to watch them get sucked away and stored as perpetual misery, and then it hit him, though it had little to do with letting Anon’s emotions wither. “Alrighty! I’ve got an idea that I think you’ll like, mate.”

Anon tugged at the invisible noose around his neck. “Does it involve me being allowed to rest in peace?”

“No.”

“Damn.”

Max rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so eager to stop living again. The Void isn’t as comforting as you might think, if you even end up there. Anyway, I’m going to give you a little magic and we’re going to call it… Hmm… How about Spell Eye?”

Anon gave him a look. “What’s the magic even do?”

“Well, one eye is going to pacify enemies and the other is going to incite them.” Max answered simply.

“Little basic for a superpower, isn’t it?”

God stared Anon down, but rare is the day when you come across a man who doesn’t fear God Himself when facing the fellow. “Just for that, I’m going to make sure you keep that power. Is there something else you want, you picky shit?”

Anon nodded. “If I don’t ask for more powers other than those, can I get some kinda care package? Like, a bag filled with useful stuff instead of some weird magic that I probably won’t understand well enough to use in the first place.”:

Max smirked. “You’ll know how to use the eye things after a little while, though there will probably be some hidden depths to it that you’ll need to find out on your own. I’ll put your care package together after I rip your eyes out, so c’mere real quick and we’ll get it over with.” He gestured for Anon to come closer.

Anon mimicked walking toward him, but couldn’t actually go anywhere. “Yeah, I’m stuck.”

Max nodded and floated over to him. “Right. Remember; giving God shit hurts, okay?”

“I figured.” Anon commented casually before Maximus thrust his hands toward his face, making the Human feel like flinching.

Sadly for the empty husk of a being that was Anon, having his soul’s eyes ripped out by God was a lot worse than having his normal ones plucked and replaced, but when Max tore his eyes from their sockets, Anon revelled in the brief feeling of something. Sure, he still knew what pain was from little scratches, scrapes, and the little stab wounds he’d inflict upon himself and sewn up on the weekends were nice reminders, but it had been a long time since Anon had felt pain resonate to the core of his being. All in all, it wasn’t something he was eager to do again, but the severity of Anon’s sickness made him hope for something a little less blinding next time. Things got better when Maximus slipped Anon’s new left eye in, and it was the one that was going to incite a fight while the right one made peace with people.

Anon blinked a few times once Maximus was done being a meanie butthead and sighed. “Man, Max? Next time you gouge my eyes out, can you use a little lube? My sockets feel like your fingers are two inches thick apiece.”

Maximus chuckled at that. “Sorry, but if I want it to stick, it has to hurt. No one can take that power from you, and it’ll never go away, mate.” He breathed one last sigh before giving Anon an apologetic look. “You’ll forget this conversation ever happened, but I want you to know right now that whatever happens, I’ll be watching. All of you, my children, get a few chances to make your happiness, and this is your second chance, Anonymous A. Anonymoneymous. Make it count.”

“Full name, bad sign. Well, this entire experience is like a bad sign, brothaman. Fatherguy. Whichever. Point being is that I’m probably going to try and die where ever you send me.” Anon shrugged. “It’s nothing against you.”

Max nodded. “You can try, but you’re not slated to give up the ghost by means you would normally think. I don’t know what your exact fate is since I wanna see how things unfold for you, but still. Life’s about to get interesting enough that you won’t have time to feel the hollowness anymore.”

“I guess that’s better than doing a ton of drugs and dying like that. Did I remember to untie my arm before I hung myself?”

“Nope. The juice was flowing, though.” Max assured him.

“Sweet. Yeah, so how many years am I getting in Hell for doing all the drugs I could get my hands on?”

“Five years apiece for each of the Trinity, a year for the twenty tabs of acid, a few more for the vial of liquid LSD that was about to make your life living Hell anyway, the weed doesn’t matter, the scripts are all ten years apiece since you didn’t need any of them, but the Xanax, Klonopin, Oxycontin, and the Roxy’s were the worst ones. I gotta say, mate; you are one persistentfuck, you know that? Effective too.”

Anon nodded. “I like to do things right the first time. Saves me a lot of trouble.”

Maximus nodded. “That’s not bad thinking.” He raised his hand with his fingers poised to snap. “At this point it’s just conversation, so is there anything you’d like to get off of your chest before I send you back to life?”

“Yeah. Why’d you let Ralph Caldorf kill my parents?” Anon asked nonchalantly.

“Fate’s string tugged them along the wrong road at the wrong time of night with the wrong man on the opposite side business. Please never think that it was personal, Anon. It’s rarely ever personal or some kind of test, and that’s because enough bad things happen without it having to be some kind of challenge.”

“Aren’t you bringing me back to life because of some kind of challenge, or have I just been reading this situation wrong?”

“You’re actually just dumb.”

“My feelings.”

Max rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers, sending the fellow off without further ado in the first snap, then adding a little extra something because he’s an asshole with a penchant for being generous. Maximus’ Goddess of Time, a minor god in comparison to him and his omniscience, came forth from The Ever-Flowing Stream and yawned. “Pupil, far be it from me to tell you what to do with your precious kin, but do you not think that creating new worlds for depressed people is a bad idea? Does it not give you headaches?”

Maximus looked at the fourth-dimensional being. “Noir, if you don’t grow a pair of ovaries and woman up, I’m going to shove one of your own hooves up your arse.”

Noir rolled her eyes. “I wonder which of your wives is going to like hearing about how you ripped a man’s eyes out for saying something akin to ‘Your food needs a little pepper’.”

“My shit gots the pepper!” Max protested vehemently.

She rolled her eyes a little harder. “It has been millions of years, yet you still act like you are the same twenty year-old I met back on the original Equus.”

Maximus chuckled away the ache in his heart, for he wasn’t even talking to the first Noir he’d met. She’d passed on decatillions of years ago after a few time-resets. “You realize that our Equus was a bastard Equus, right? We weren’t the originals.”

Noir smirked. “But we were and still are the strongest, no?”

Max patted her arm. “Eeyup. I doubt that the title’s getting taken until I find my successor.”

“Bah! I will continue searching for a good fight, even if you will not let me battle any of the younger Capital G's.”

“You’re too rambunctious, Noir. In fact, I need you to relax a little.” Max said, a devious smile playing on his lips.

Noir frowned. “I do not like that smile. I remember that smile, and the last time I saw it, Twilight’s mane got chopped off until it was shorter than Blue’s bob, Celestia was summoned from her galactic travels to be thrown into a vat of pudding, and Pinkie’s from all universes ran rampant of Equus for a hundred years.”

“That party was so rad.” Max sighed.

Noir closed her eyes and pressed a pair of couple fingers to her temples on either side to alleviate the building ache. “What do you want?”

“I’d like for you to mentor Anon. The guy’s already pretty proficient in Wing Chun and he’s on the second GUP of Hapkido. You have to admit, Noir; he’s working with more than what I had when you started training me.”

“... You want me to train a suicidally dangerous man in martial arts? For what singular, non-stupid purpose could you possibly want this?”

Max gave her a look. “Look here, Jiggle Giant.” He made sure she was looking. “Alright, so I want you to teach dude because I just sent him to a planet with few enough bipedal species. He’ll need someone like you to help him come up with glorified hunting techniques so that he doesn’t get himself killed-” Max rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers since Luna had put Anon down on sight. “Killed again, I guess.”

Noir gave ~~me---~~ Max a salty look. “You owe me.”

Max gave her a gentle look in turn. “It doesn’t have to fall on your shoulders, Noir. I have other things I want you to do if you have the time for them, it’s just that there’s nothing I need you specifically for. I’d prefer it immensely to have you stop by and say hi to Anon in his dreams every once in awhile, but if you want to suggest someone else…” Maximus spread his hands. “No hard feelings. I’ll understand, Blackberry.”

Noir’s lips curved into a slight smile at the use of her age old nickname. “I will teach him my Alicatius style unless you want me to teach him Flowing-Water.”

Max scratched his cheek. “Teach him Alicatius mostly and mix in some of the Riptide forms from the Undertow branch of Flowing Water. Nothing from Tidal Surge would suit him.”

“What about Crimson Tide’s Nachschlag?”

Max shook his head. “Nah, it’s the same story with Swift’s Gold Shade Rush. It’s like, a ten-ninety shot that he’ll actually be able to learn something so highly personalized like that.”

“I suppose that Crimson’s kicks are better suited for hooves than for feet. What about Swift Strike and his Whipping Wind?”

Max shook his head again. “Three years of using that technique as a sparring skill fucked with Swift’s power until I made him a Minor God. I’d rather teach Anon straight Alicatius or Flowing Water, to be honest with you, but I think he’ll make something of his own with what we give him.”

Noir gave Max a long, hard, throbbing, aching look. It finally blew its load when she said, “Okay.”

Max nodded. “Thank you. I appreciate it.”

She sighed hard and took a deep breath. “So we have his general techniques down. What finishers do you want me to teach him?”

He looked at her in turn. “We can’t give him Draco-Ira or Fallax-Cessabit, so take some stuff from my Widowmaker collection that isn’t too hard on the body and give him some dirty tactics too.”

“Alright. We’ll see how this goes.”

Max gave her a little smile. “I guess we will, won’t we?”

✯☾Ω☽✯

Quoth The Wendigo

I fell on my ass from about three and a half feet in the air, the noose I’d been wearing dropping to the floor around me as a bright flash of light that marked the start of something I’d never had comprehended if I wasn’t some kind of looney in the first place. The first thing I did was check my memory, and the last thing I actually remembered was shooting up a combination of meth, Oxy, Roxy and heroin into my left arm, which was weird because I was neither speeding nor feeling like I was coated in bliss like I’d previously been. The feeling of not being high for the first time in about an hour struck me as odd since I’d been fucked up from the floor up, and then fucked down from the ceiling downward. All I knew within those first fifteen seconds was that my coccyx hurt, my eyes were on fire, though they were rapidly cooling, and I didn’t have an ice cream cone, or rather I wasn’t fucking dead.

“Maaan fuck.” I groaned, still feeling worn out. I sighed and rubbed my eyes, crossing my legs and sighing away the minute amount of frustration I felt. “Might as well start job hunting, I guess.”

I rubbed my eyes for a little longer until the burning went away, but when I stopped and opened them, I didn’t recognize the room I was sitting in. The walls were cut out of a dark, cold-looking stone that seemed like it wouldn’t exactly chip easily. The floor beneath my fine ass was cut from a beautiful marble that was polished to a sheen that I could see even in the low light, but the main things that worried me were the predominantly Victorian or Georgian (I’m not a fucking architect. Sue me.), but even if I couldn't really tell the difference, I knew that it was a special kind of posh, upper-crust manner of living that I wasn’t exactly born into. I mean, I had a good job up until earlier in the day, but such fancy stylings were above my means, and I like to live within them, thank you very much.

When I was done looking around, I looked behind me since I’d been facing a wall, but there was a blue horse with oddly large eyes looking at me. The thing was pretty fucking adorable, and it was my favorite shade of blue, but I knew it wasn’t a horse or a pony, and I knew that shit from the bottom of my heart to the tip of my tongue. I was either looking at a quadrupedal alien that kinda looked like a horse, or I was looking a GMA that was designed to be huggable and cute. It had to be fake, otherwise I was going to be the first Human in modern history to see a Unicorn. I know I should have been more shocked or surprised in general, but I just wanted to go pet the thing before I noticed that its mane was more ethereal than palpable, It waved and billowed in a breeze that wasn’t blowing as casually as the Moon rises at night.

Whatever the fuck it was, it wasn’t normal.

I slowly rose and the horse backed away, tossing its mane clopping its front two hooves on the hard marble floor loudly. “Hey now, little guy. You don’t bite me, I won’t bite you, okay? I’m pretty sure you bite harder, but I will poke you in the eye, so be cool, okay?” I raised my hands and took a step back from the animal. “Be cool, horsey, and lead me out of here so I don’t get assraped by something.”

“WENDIGO!” A distinctly feminine alto said. It came from the direction of the horse, so I did some quick math.

“Alright, so if two plus two equals four minus one that’s three, quick maths, then you just talked, Horsey. I’m gonna-”

The horse’s horn lit up and instinct told me to dive, so I threw myself off to the right and heard something akin to a major lazer heat the air where I’d previously been. “DIE CREATURE OF STRIFE!”

“Chill the fuck out!” I screamed, picking myself up off of the floor and sprinting for the nearest cover that came in the form of a bed. I had to zig zag across the large room to avoid being hit, but when I dove over the bed and took cover, the lasers stopped coming.

“... What manner of Wendigo runs from a Pony?” Horsey asked from across the room.

I quickly popped my head up above my protection and ducked down for a few seconds. When I was sure that I wasn’t going to die, I punched myself for fucking up a perfectly good chance. “Dammit. Oh well. I’m totally a Wendigo though, so you should come and kill me.”

“... What?”

I stopped hiding and rose from the kneeling position I’d been in, facing the Pony. “Hi, my name is Red Rum and I’m a Wendigo. I’m gonna hurt you or something, so strike first!” I tried.

The Pony narrowed her wide eyes at me. “You are defective.”

“My feelings.” I rubbed my chest, even though I didn’t give a fourth of a fuck. She couldn’t get an F, U, C, or even a Goddamn K from me, no siree.

Pretty Pony snorted and somehow raised a hoof to her pale blue, nearly white left eye. “Bucking Tartarus.” She growled. “Twilight Sparkle had better hope I get my sight back.”

“Here’s hoping it comes back quickly. I know my eyes hurt when I got cut down, but I don’t know why.”

The Pony glared at me, I think. It’s facial expressions were somewhat humanoid, but it was just… Odd, to see an Equine with proper features. “I am returning you to your home.”

I loosened the noose a little more and took it off. “Find me a longer rope and I’ll be out of your hair with no extra effort on your part.”

“I wanted to ask why you had a rope around your… Neck?” She asked.

“It is my neck, and I was previously hanging from this rope, I think. That’s what the plan was, anyway. Dunno why I’m here and not still just hanging around my apartment.” I scratched my face, pretty unconcerned about it, all in all.

“Red Rum-”

“Please, call my Remmy or Rummy. It’s more fun that way.” I gave her my version of a smile, which I’ve been told can be unsettling if I make it too wide.

She didn’t seem phased, so I thought I was good. “Red Rum; are Wendigos immune to being hanged?”

I shrugged. “All the guys who’ve done it before never had this problem to my knowledge, so I’d say not.”

“... You do understand that strangulation-”

“Causes death, yes.” I interrupted. “I also realize that if I would’ve been more proactive and wasn’t focused on making it look nice and smell wonderful that I wouldn’t have a neck that’s in one piece right now. Long-drop would’ve worked better.” I rolled my eyes. “Seriously though. I live in the middle of one of the biggest cities in my country, and traffic is a bitch. It wasn’t worth the five-plus hour commute and search it would’ve taken to go to a forest and find a tree that I could climb well enough to get high enough to do a proper long-drop.”

She tilted her head to the side and stared at me with her mouth slightly agape. “... You tried to take your own life?” She murmured.

I nodded. “Why let time or some asshole do it when I can do it and get it over with? It’s not like the value of one’s own life isn’t determined by they themselves.”

“... So you tried for fear?”

“No, I tried because I’ve been exhausted for two years and it doesn't matter how much I sleep, I wake up just as tired as I went to bed. Wake up with the same problems or new ones that pop up as soon as I turn my head, meet new people that can’t wait to fuck me over, get derided by a man-hating boss that can’t get the carpet out of her teeth long enough to say something nice, and I’m so bored.” I moaned theatrically. “Do you know what it’s like to live life everyday in shades of gray? Metaphorically walking the Moon with wonders abound and everything’s just ughhh?”

“I actually have lived on the Moon, for your information, and I can say that it was enough to make me consider taking my own life at times, but never enough to bring me to the act! I spent a thousand lonely years on the Moon and I doubt that you’re out of your first century!” She objected. “Is there a demon haunting your past? Trauma that plagues your heart? A sickness within your mind?”

“I dunno, but can you laser me real quick to see if I’m immune to it?” I attempted.

Horsey narrowed her eyes for another glare. “I see… Red Rump; come hither. We shall alight to Night Court and continue our discourse there.”

“It’s Red Rum, and I don’t wanna.” I said.

“You do not have a choice.” She answered matter-of-factly.

“There’s a choice in everything, Horsey.”

“... Did you just call me a whorse? You do not even know my name!”

“Horse, Pony; it’s literally just a size difference. I mean, if you didn’t just lie and try to say that you were over a thousand years old, I’d say you’re just a big Pony, but ya kinda strike me as a young nag, or like, an old filly. Either one.” I said, rambling a little bit because I tend to do that.

Horsey ground her teeth. “No mare enjoys being called a promiscuous whorse, nor do we appreciate being called nags. I believe you were unaware of this?”

“Didn’t have a clue. Sorry to offend, but I’ve never seen one of your kind before. I mean, back on Earth, in America, we have plenty of equine species that kinda look like you, but nothing quite so… Cute.”

The yet unnamed Pony tossed her mane and snorted heartily. “I am not cute. I am majestic, and graceful.”

“You’re kinda fuckin’ adorable, my ponified sentient being. Hey, do you go into estrus?” I asked.

She choked on nothing and went into a coughing fit. “Red Rum, I am your Mistress! Remember your station, Familiar!”

“... Did you just try to check me?” I asked neutrally. I probably should have said something earlier, but I tend to speak in monotone with minimal inflection, so my voice just got extra flat for that question.

“Check you for what?” She asked irritably.

“I was asking if you were trying to induct me as some kinda slave.”

“A Familiar is not a slave. A slave has no freedom at all while a Familiar has the freedom to do whatever they wish for much of their day. Most familiars tend not to be able to speak if they’re non-magical, and they tend to be considerably less intelligent than you have proven to be.” The blue Unicorn with wings said.

“Ah. But I still have to do what you say, right?”

“If you do not want to, I will not make you in most cases. However, you being yourself and all that entitles at the moment, are effectively my wayward… Nephew?”

“I am a dude, yeah.”

“Yes. You are not dissimilar to a wayward child of my sister that she has asked me to look after, and as such we will begin correcting your behavior at sunset. ‘Twould be a crime against all races should I allow you to simply walk free when you have proven and testified to the fact that you are incapable of thinking for yourself.” The Horsey huffed.

I crawled onto what I assumed was her bed and took a second to be glad that I cleared it. Shit was easily waist high and every bit eight by eight, if not a little more. “What’s your name again, Pretty Pony?”

“Do not attempt to flirt with your Mistress.” She demanded. Commanded. Either one.

“I’m not flirting with you. You’re a cute little creature, Miss…?”

“I am Princess Luna, Co-Ruler of the proud sovereign nation of Equestria, Goddess of the Moon, and I am not. Cute.” She snarled.

“Hi Luna.” I waved at her.

“... You are vexing already.” She muttered darkly. “What land from which do you hail once more?”

I translated that into proper Autism, then converted it over to Asperger’s so I could get it. “I haileth frometh California, of the grand country America, of the big planet Earth. I mean, Earth isn’t that big compared to other planets, but it’s big enough, you know?”

“I sense that you were making fun of me.” Luna said darkly.

“From which of my actions didst this suspicion thou holdeth stem?” I teased.

“I do not know, but I feel your mischief in the air.” She said cynically. “In any case, I wish for you to come along.”

“This bed is honestly pretty great to be truthfully earnest with you.”

Luna gave me a look. “What would make you come?”

“Some vanilla stuff, but that’s because I don’t really do kinky these days.” I said cheekily. I don’t even try to give people shit or come up with dumb things to say; it’s just so ingrained into my psyche that I can’t really help it.

“There is vanilla cake in the kitchen.”

“Can I sit on your back?”

“No.”

“Can I touch your horn?”

“Why?”

“It looks real.”

“It is real, and no, you may not.”

I ran through the last few sentences in my head. “Why didn’t you correct me when I asked if I could sit on your back?”

“It only occurred to me the second time. What else do you desire?”

“May I touch your fur?”

“For what purpose?”

“You look pretty soft.”

“I exercise regularly!” She protested, offended.

“Not squishy soft. More like sleek soft.” I explained.

She raised her chin and I think she struck a bit of a pose. “Sleek is correct! Many mares would slay to have a physique such as mine!”

“That’s adorable.”

“Shush!”

“Maybe. So can I touch your fur?”

“I do not want you to touch me at all.” Luna huffed irritably.

“Then I don’t want anything, I don’t think. Wouldn’t mind a stiff drink though.”

She gave me a dirty look. “Alcohol or Saline?”

I gave her an odd look because she was making me feel muddy inside. “Alcohol. Why would I drink salt water? That’s like, a really sucky way to die. There’s way too much suffering involved in drinking a saline solution.” I shook my head.

“What will alcohol do to you?” She asked, her horn lighting up with a pale blue aura that was trippier than a forest full of ground-level traps.

“Beer makes me sad, whiskey makes me mad, bourbon makes me smile, and tequila makes me fun to be around. I suggest tequila.” I wiggled my brows at her and tried to give her an enticing smile.

Luna rolled her eyes. “You have wine and fortified wine to choose from.”

“Can I swing for an amaretto?”

Her brows lifted comically high. “You know of almond liqueur?”

“I’m rather fond.”

Her horn lit up again and two large tumblers that were practically just squat glasses popped into existence alongside a bottle of amber liquid. “Are you a cultured pony?”

“I’m not a Pony at all.”

“Are you a cultured person, I should say. I must ask your forgiveness for using the nationalistic terms for now and in the future, should I ever happen to forget my company.”

I hopped off of Luna’s bed and walked over to her, the cold marble seeping through my cozy hospital socks. In my defense, I wanted to die comfy while also looking nice, so I sacrificed the appeal of wearing dress shoes for the sake of leaving my footsies happy since I was already wearing a suit. Or as happy as I get, I guess. “For future reference, if you want me to do something, getting me drunk is probably the easiest way of getting it done.”

Luna gave me a baleful look. “So I have to bribe you to make you do anything?”

“When you say it like that I sound like a primadonna. Just bribe me good enough the first time and it’ll last a few requests.” I replied.

She opened her mouth to reply mid-pour, but finished off her task before she spoke. “Red Rum, what was your path in life before I summoned you?”

I stared at her for a moment. “You know, I probably should have realized sooner, but you’re the reason I’m not dead, or at least I’m blaming you for that. You can keep the liquor. I want nothing to do with you.”

“You have no choice.” Luna replied crisply.

I tried to headbutt her for obvious reasons, but when horn-bone met skull-bone, my progress stopped and an odd tingling sensation started spreading from the contact, making my vision redden and fuzzify at the same time, like someone had used the spray can tool in MS paint to color my sight in the various shades of cow and horse placenta. I’d seen enough live births from my high-school years in Montana when I lived with my Aunt for a little while, but that was before my parents were gone and happens to be a story for another time. To get back on track, my ears warmed with the advent of the tingling sensation and I heard Luna start chanting in an odd language, her voice an octave lower than she sounded normally, and I have to say that it was rather stiffening.

It made me hard.

At that point in time, I hadn’t popped a woody in three hundred and ninety-nine days.

You have no idea how fucking lost I was.

I didn’t know what to say since there wasn’t much blood left in my brain after about eight or nine seconds, but I did manage to make Luna flub a syllable in her whatever it was she was doing, and that made the tingling sensation go from strange to unpleasant very quickly. The pain was actually quite excruciating, and it left no part of my body untouched. I’d liken the experience to having cheap, shitfully crafted needles made of fiberglass inserted into every available pore, digging in about two inches I’d say. Trust me, I know my measurements from experience, and like in previous experiences, my mouth opened and a horse sound that I still can’t really name came out. I’m just gonna call it a ‘Grough’ because it’s not unlike a growl and a dry cough, if you squint and happen to think sight has something to do with sound in this particular case. Tears streamed from my eyes, and I was quite thankful that I’d excluded alcohol from my choice of things to get me comfortably numb before I stepped into oblivion because I most likely would have let my bladder loose.

Imagine how relieved I was that I hadn’t eaten in a day or two. I may not care about much, but I really wasn’t trying to piss or shit myself in front of someone. A man has his dignity after all.

My vision darkened from misty reds and pinks to bloody tones, ranging from the dull, dark hues of the blood that comes from the outer layers and nonessential veins as compared to the bright, florid hues of the life-carrying arteries. I wondered if my vision was clouding with blood as I idly hoped that my end was nigh since life was on a whole different level of suck that I’ve never experienced before, but then I felt the focal point of my suffering pull away. I iterate that where Luna and I were touching was easily ten times worse than the feeling of having my helm and jewels penetrated by what I hoped were invisible needles.

Look, there’s a reason I didn’t shoot myself in the face. Hubris is my sin like no other, I’m kinda proud of my appearance. Being some sort of wrecked and then not being allowed to die would be the nightcap to… I dunno… I’d rank it within the top four worst days I’ve ever had. There was this one time where I was looking for smoked gouda, and it was just, like, nowhere. I even checked Earthfare! Shit happened years ago and it still annoys me.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Luna stepped back because she actually had control of her body and my quote unquote ‘happy’ ass was still standing there with a little hole in my head that felt like it was spreading a spider’s web made of pain throughout the tips of the fiberglass shards; even the ones that weren’t actually apart of a needle anymore. The fragments in my flesh felt like they were bending, becoming something of a network not unlike mycelium. It was fascinating as I felt magic for the first time in my life, but it wasn’t a pleasant sort of fascination. No, it was a tingly experience wrought with the intense desire for my demise rising, peaking, plateauing, rising again, and then dropping like a stone back down to the casual levels that let me walk around and not ruin someone’s life by jumping in front of their car.

I could still feel the mycelium under my skin while the needles melted like frozen willow balm into my muscles, soothing them more quickly and far more efficiently than Bengay or Icy-Hot. Shaq’s a fucking liar, but that’s a rant that I really don't have a reason to go into. However, something that I will go into is the orgasmic bliss I welcomed with metaphorically open arms, though it had to be an action left in concept because the bliss was all up on my cock and I was ready to rock. The first climax I had experienced in nearly a year and a half was beyond beautiful. It was like someone had opened up a floodgate of endorphins that had lay dormant during a long winter, hibernating and huddling together for warmth and comfort as their stores of blubber ran low. Lifewater rained through my rod and my seed exploded forth, the euphoria tickling my tip as if the tightest, most sensual nun of nuns had allowed me access to the door that God ignores, my rod encased in a sheath made of an ambrosia sweeter than the purest cut of heroin. For the slightest of seconds, a passing thought left behind in the times that I barely remember, I asked myself if I should have sprung for the shit that was supposed to be three percent purer and scoffed at the thought as I was having it. Even the combination of the three most addictive substances known to your Average Joe weren’t enough to top the relief coursing through my member’s entirety.

It was odd that the pain relief took that specific form in that specific area, but maybe it was just because of the nerve clusters therein? My hands and toes felt rather nice as well, but how do you compare getting a diamond the size of a bear’s paw to a ruby ring with a few sapphires on the side? I mean, you get a dynastic heirloom, or you get something ugly enough to get pawned off when times get tough. It wasn’t hard to figure out what I paid attention to while I sank to my knees, my nervous system complete with additional wiring that pumped more of the soothing bliss into my bones until the flow petered out and left me feeling fine. Not empty or bereft of its presence like a drug would have; I just felt okay. I didn’t realize that I’d closed my eyes, but when I opened them, my left eye was cold and my right eye was hot, but I didn’t know why. My breathing had been shaky, but I wasn’t aware of it until it leveled out along with the gentle trembling I’d been doing. After a deep, steadying breath, I looked for Luna and found her just off to my right, staring at me with a red face.

“Was it good for you too?” I asked lazily.

She took a little breath. “Why did you climax?”

“I dunno. Best thing I’ve felt in years.” I sighed contentedly.

“... Why did you try to impale yourself on my horn?”

“I really don’t want to be beholden to someone else. It really sucks enough without having a complete stranger tell you that you’re their bitch.”

“... You seriously tried to kill yourself,” She drew it out nice and slow for me, “on my horn?”

“Bingo Bango Jnco Jean Django.” I snapped my fingers at her and made some finger pistols, adding in a wink for flair.

“... Buck me…” She sighed. “Red Rum, look. Is there anything that doesn’t make you want to kill yourself?”

“Hard liquor, a nice ass, liquor, uh, animals. I like animals. I also like to eat them, which I’m assuming you do not since you are a Pony kind of lady.”

“I keep meat in stock, but we will not eat it openly. It often comes in disguise as stew, but do not expect a stea~ak.” Luna got a dreamy look to her face before snapping back to reality.

I wondered if I could impale myself on her if I caught her by surprise for a second, but then I realized that I was assuming that the fragile tip of a bone could piece through something as thick as a human forehead. I mean, it stood a decent chance, but what if it hurt her? I should’ve considered it beforehand, but I guess I got desperate.

“Cool. So what just happened?”

“You mean when you tried to kill yourself on me?” Luna asked in a very rude tone.

“Eeyuss.” I replied heartily.

She sighed some more and shook her head. “I imbued you with subdermal armor that should stop you from dying of blood loss and most self-inflicted internal injuries. I will not tell you all of the connections I have built between us, but I will tell you that your self-homicide attempts will no longer work. If you doubt my words, there are daggers I kept from days long past that you may-”

“I believe you, Cutesy. New pet name; how ya like?” I gave her a smile that was more smug than most of the ones I gave to people who thought that my general, not complete, apathy made me a doormat.

“I know what you are doing and it will not work. Come.”

“I just did and it was Ecks Dee lawl amazing, but I should kill you for that pain. That was very hurtful.” I lectured drolly.

“... You had a painful orgasm?” Luna asked before shaking her head. “Never mind. We are leaving and I will tolerate no more tarrying.”

I got to my feet and fell back down since my knees were too weak to let me walk. “Wow. It really was a good one.”

Luna blushed, which was fu~ckin’weird because she has fur. How do you blush through fur? “Tch. Do you need time to recover?”

“I could use a change of boxers to be honest with you.”

She lit up a little brighter, her cheeks a little redder. “I assume that those are the trousers you are wearing?”

“No, the ‘trousers’ are fine. It’s the underwear that needs replacing, but it’s not like I have more clothes. Kinda need more of them too since Humans don’t walk around naked.” I man-splained.

The fucking tips of Luna’s ears were red as she cleared her throat. “Y-You Hyumuns wear that type of clothing casually?”

“It’s a part of healthy hygiene and not zipping your genitals into your trousers.”

I shit you not, I couldn’t have made this up if I tried, but from her jaw down to her shoulders were red and it was still going. “Y-Y-You don’t have… Sheaths?”

“No? Oh yeah, I forgot horses, and by extension ponies, don’t just let it all hang out. Actually, I think that’s how most animals do the do, come to think of it.”

Luna’s forehooves were now cherry red, and I was officially going to see if I could make her fully change colors like one of those special Hot Wheels I used to have as a kid. “S-So you just… Wear clothes all the time?”

“Well, yeah. Humans wear clothes for everything except bathing and intimate, hot, steamy, passionate, intense,” I’d dropped my tone, watching her stare at me blankly, “sweaty sex.”

The middle part of Luna was all red, leaving her hindquarters to go. “W-We… P-Perhaps we sh-should alight to C-C-Court!?” She blurted.

“Sure. Just let me take these off real quick.” I started to get to my feet, but Luna was on me in a second.

“Halt!” She squeaked in the most adorable fashion. “D-D-Do not reveal thyself to thine Mistress! Tis most uncouth, thou deviant!”

She wasn’t super heavy, but it was pretty suck that she had her hoof on my chest, and I wondered how much of it was her actually trying to keep me down or if she was just a small horse. I decided to do my award-winning Waluigi impression by default. “Waaah!”

I heard a splattering sound come from behind Luna after her pupils shrank to pinpricks as she stopped breathing. The scent of blueberry pie filled the air and I wanted a slice with ice cream, but I had a funny feeling that I was going to get the wrong kind of pie and a warm kind of cream if I actually ate it. The smell was nice, but when I felt the liquid on my foot, there was no way in Hell that I was keeping my mouth shut.

“Cum here often?” I asked, my breathing labored.

Luna’s eyes blinked rapidly and her horn lit up, drying my foot and what I assumed was her personal stuff. “We never speak of this again. We never think of this again. If you speak of this again, I will hurt you.”

“At least we’re equal.” I rasped as she increased the pressure on my chest.

She let up. “... It seems that hurting you would be easier than I thought. No matter. Do not breathe so much as a word about what just happened. Am I clear?”

Luna looked down on me so hard it irritated me slightly. “I’ll fuck you, dammit.”

Her eyes shot open and the spattering sound came again after a few moments along with a low “Oo~oh” Luna rapidly shook her head and raised her hoof to bring me to my demise before slamming it down close enough to be loud as shit, but not enough for what I actually wanted. “Thou damnable Incubus! Such humiliation we have not faced in MILLENNIA!!” Two exclamation points for extra volume.

I caught my breath quickly enough to say, “If it makes you feel any better, you’re pretty majestic when you’re red too.”

She blinked and looked at her right hoof, craning her neck to inspect it closely, then at her butt. “... Oh. I thought you were using Incubus magic.”

“Nah, dude. Suh dude.”

“... I assume that was an insult.” She said evenly.

“No. It means ‘No’ and ‘Hi’.” I informed helpfully because I’m a helpful person.

“... Dear Creator, please help me.” Luna lamented, backing off so I could get up.

“I don’t think he’s listening.” I answered for The Man Upstairs.

✯☾Ω☽✯

Quoth The Lord

“Bucking Lord! This shit is gold!” A pale orange god bellowed.

“Tsk tsk! Swift, you should know better than to laugh at a mare while she’s in that kind of position!” A white goddess with a light pink mane chastised. “To think I dated you for so much as a century!”

Max rolled his eyes at the Fleur’s theatrics and the conversation in general, deeming it unimportant, so he tuned into one between his wives, an alternate version of Twilight Sparkle and a goddess named Roxanne, picking up with the latter. “I feel so bad for this guy, Twi. I mean, I’ve been there and I’ve done that for way too long to not feel something for him.”

Twilight laid her hand on her wife’s arm. “I’m sure Max has a plan for this one, Roxy. I mean, just look at the oddness of the gift he gave him! One eye that’s like Fluttershy’s Stare and another that’s basically his Black Eye? Something isn’t right here.”

Roxy shook her head. “He’s given people weirder powers and stronger powers before, Purps. It’s looking like this one just caught his eye because of the calculation behind his actions. It’s weird that he’s impulsive one moment and-”

“Meticulous the next!” Twilight finished, emphasizing every word. “Who else do we know that can fly by the seat of their pants one moment and plan the destruction of a galaxy using teaspoons and sporks? I mean, why else would we all be so invested in this guy!?”

The Human woman just shook her head some more. “Max wouldn’t be in the Olympic Theatre if he was hinging on this guy taking over, Twi. You know that.”

Twilight gave her a sad smile. “Do I really?”

And with that, Max cut out of their conversation and focused on another dialogue between Noir and Crimson tide, starting from a point that let him get a good idea of where they were at. He started with Noir as she said, “Do you think this fellow is even trainable? He barely even seems to react to stimuli.”

“That’s a broken person, Noir. You’re going to have to figure out how to glue that guy together if you want anything out of him.” Crimson scoffed.

“Ugh, the bone sacks are the worst when it comes to actual training. As fodder, they’re fantastic, but they’re generally pretty useless.”

“I agree, but don’t you think it’s weird that Max asked you to train a Suicider? I mean, doesn’t he usually set them up with Fluttershy, Twilight, or Celestia depending on how smart they are?”

Noir brushed her knuckles across her cheek. “... His choice in this moment was odd. Easily he could have made the cube malfunction when it was in Twilight’s dream, thus triggering a stream of events that would either lead to Anon being purged by the Elements or Twilight befriending him and uncoupling him from her mind or soul, depending on how much Max wanted to interfere.”

“On top of that, he’s just letting this guy do what he wants. I don’t get it.” Crimson ran his tongue over the canine teeth he’d recently had Noir help him install via file.

“Special training, hands off approach, three utility powers and a hidden fourth combined with the curse of undeath? This is odd, and I do not believe that we are the only ones of this opinion.”

“So what’s he setting up for?” Crimson asked.

Noir’s blood was frosty in her veins. “Something I hope falls through.”

Max didn’t necessarily agree with her sentiment on that, but that’s because she didn’t know how he felt on the matter. He didn’t have anything riding on Anon, but he did hope that the guy found his happiness more than he did for many of his other children. It was such an obvious show of favoritism that Max made a point to be seen leaving the theatre, though he still kept a piece of his attention on the action. It was actually harder to ignore it than to keep an eye on things because omniscience is a bitch like that, but he was worried.

On one hand, Maximus thought the limitations of Anon’s powers were fair, but on the other hand, having to look someone in the eye for your Magic to work is bullshit and Max had thought it was bullshit when he was still learning Dark Magic. It was tearing him apart like the problem’s name was Lisa, but he kept his face calm as he sorted through the planets until he laid eyes on the right Celestia. He knew his meddling could only go so far, but he hoped that the little drop of inspiration he’d given her bore fruit.

Before long, a god named Fancy Pants called for his attention and Maximus materialized from a quark at the cessation of Fancy’s last syllable. “Ah, Maximus, my good man! What say we grab a drink and marvel at your new planet for a spell? I’m sure your newest creations will only serve to impress, as always.”

~~I---~~ Max chuckled. “Sure thing, bruv. You wanna bring the ladies on this one, or is it an us thing?”

Fancy gave him a warm smile. “I figured you would enjoy some male company today.”

They both knew that Max was well aware of the anniversary, and it wasn’t one to celebrate. “Yeah. I’m still saying goodbye to bad rubbish.” Maximus spat bitterly.

“He was like a brother to you, Max. He just got greedy.”

“He was always greedy, Fancy. It’s why he became a thief in the first place, and it’s a damn shame I didn’t put that together for myself.” Max shook his head and conjured up a bottle of Arvita’s golden sap; a divine intoxicant that instills the feeling of pure, unadulterated vindication. It was a moment captured in Maximus’ rise to claim the seat of the Almighty, but the thief’s tale has long since ended.

Fancy just eased his smile a little and nodded. “I suppose that you would have more insight into the matter than I would.”

“I’m not trying to discredit you, mate. It’s not-”

“Maximus, please. I know you. I understand.”

Max looked at him for a moment before cracking a grin. “Smarmy old bastard.”

Fancy smirked in turn. “Cocksure little heathen.”

✯☾Ω☽✯

Quoth The Wendigo

Luna made me sit next to her throne after a long walk through an opulent palace that made me wonder what in the holy fuck was my life becoming. My best bet for the time being seemed to be following Luna’s orders until I found a chance to escape, which would probably happen while she was asleep. I didn’t know when that was supposed to be, but the longer she made me sit my tender ass on that hard marble, the more I felt like fucking off, so I started walking around the Court Hall because there was nothing else to do. While I took my little walk, I examined each of the twenty-two pillars in the room and saw that they were all engraved with depictions of Ponies I assumed had long since passed away, but the intricacy of the art made me stop at each individual pillar to see what it held. For example, there was this one pillar that held two ponies that looked like Luna, and as the story wrapped around the pillar, the scenes shifted like Corinthian pottery that I found interesting.

My little tour around the room had me looking out of the stained-glass windows that lines the right side of the throne, and much like the pillars, these held tales of glory that held no words nor sounds. I made a mental note to ask Luna to go through some of the history with me since she was probably knowledgeable about that kind of thing since she just kind of seemed like the type. Without any information on what stories I was supposed to be looking at, I got bored quickly enough and found myself standing in front of the gargantuan double doors that stood, guarding the hall like two ever-vigilant guardians. Or they were just some really big fucking doors. They had to be a ton apiece, easy. As with the other opulent shit, there were pictures on the door as well, but I recognized Luna as one of the faces on the big-ass bilith (Minus the slab, of course. The Slab was returned.).

I eventually got bored of walking around and looking at shit, so I started heading towards Luna’s throne, but I got stopped at the dais by some of her weird, bat-wing having Pegasi guards. “Hey Luna? Can we go do something?”

“We are doing something, Red Rum. We are being silent.” Luna said, making a mistake.

“If you’re upset about me using your hoof to wipe my nose, I already said I’m sor~ry.” I said in a whiny, bitch-esque voice.

One of her guards choked and Luna glowered at me. “That did not happen, and if it did-”

“Then is it because I didn’t pull out in time?” I asked.

Both guards choked this time, but Luna had given them orders not to mess with me unless I started messing with them. The thing was that she didn’t know what I was doing. “Pull what out? You are making little sense, Red Rum.”

“I told you to call me Remmy back in bed!” I huffed.

“Your presence in my bed means nothing.” Luna snapped. “In fact, I would prefer it if you stayed out of my bed.”

“Oh shit.” The guy on my left said softly enough for me to make out, but only by a little. Luna stood no chance of catching it..

“Dude.” The female Pony (Evidently. I had to go by her voice.) whispered to me. “Burn.”

“So where am I supposed to sleep? I get cold when I’m alone.” I responded pitifully, making the one who probably had a dick shake his head subtly, his lips trembling.

“You speak as if you know me to be warm. You have yet to lay so much as a paw on me, Red Rum.” Luna said, confusion ringing through in her voice.

The guards looked at me to answer. “But you’ve had your hooves on me, Luna, and your touch isn’t something I’ll soon forget.” I said seductively.

Luna flushed in a heartbeat. “You-! Ergh! Will you be silent for once!?”

Her confirmation made their jaws drop and their entire heads light up over the course of ten seconds. Victory conditions were met indeed.

“You never did let me have that glass of amaretto.” I reminded, losing the theatrics.

“I will happily give you the whole damn bottle if you just shut up until breakfast.”

I mimicked zipping my lips and throwing away the key and Luna teleported the bottle in front of me, levitating it for a little bit so I didn’t have to race to catch it. I was tempted to thank her for the bribe, but it was a bribe and she was making me her slave anyway, so low-key fuck that bitch, I guess. I didn’t feel like much of a slave since she didn’t beat me for being mouthy, but then again, I’d only known her for two hours at that point, so I was hoping that there was some hidden darkness who didn’t even have a word for suicide. Self-homicide is amusing though.

Anyway, I continued walking around the court with my drink in hand, casually gulping down double shots until I’d gotten to fourteen or so before stopping. I was feeling pretty alright, and as my buzz built on an empty stomach, I was swimming in a shallow pond. I figured I had a little while before my buzz started to fade, so I found a place behind the throne to set up and start one of my favourite pastimes. I took my shirts off because I didn’t want to sweat them up, but my legs rarely got more than damp anyway, so when I started my pushups, I figured that I was good to go. After a few sets of fifty, the suck of working out with a buzz was setting in nicely, so I started doing crunches in sets of forty because I always was weak with my core. Of course I still did five hundred reps total, but I just couldn’t do as many in a row while doing a normal workout. Oddly enough, I wasn’t tiring out terribly quickly, so I figured I’d have time to go through some of my Wing Chun kata without getting weary of it too soon.

Siu Nim Tao, Little Idea, took some time and helped relax my wrists after spending so much time on the floor, but I garnered some attention from a passing maid, dressed in the full French getup just on a Pony. She evidently didn’t know that my peripheral vision is decent, but I kept an eye on her while moving onto Chum Ku, or Bridge Seeking. I forgot what Shifu Song Hao’s words of wisdom on the aforementioned kata were, but I knew that it helped reinforce the Wing Chun notion of fist movement being controlled not through the shoulder, but by the elbow. It was my least favourite kata, so I spent the most time on it because it’s the one I’m the sloppiest with. Biu Gee, or Thrusting Fingers, was easily my favorite because it showcased my favorite move, the elbow strikes. It also looked goofier than shit, but that’s not a bad thing when it comes to martial arts. If you look stupid while doing it, there’s a good chance that your opponent thinks you don’t know what the fuck you’re up to, which can lead to a quick victory.

Sadly, I couldn’t do anything about Muk Yan Jong since I didn’t have a dummy, Luk Dim Boon Gwun because I didn’t have a pole, or Bart Cham Dao because I didn’t have the blades. I didn’t know much of the Bart Cham Dao kata because I learned the shit to defend myself, not kill people, and I only knew so much of Luk Dim Boon Gwun because the dojos I’d trained at were usually working with little space, though Shifu Song’s dojo was decent enough. While I went back over Siu Nim Tao, I considered what would have happened if I’d just left MMA alone and continued to learn more martial arts instead of trying to tame the ache inside by letting someone else feel it for awhile.

I was lost in thought for a little bitty minute, moving through the kata automatically when I heard Luna’s voice. “Red Rum! Night Court has adjourned.”

It wasn’t breakfast yet, so I picked up my shit and took my time in getting over to Luna, not saying a word. She was waiting for me at the bottom of the dais, and the look in her eye when she saw my sexy form was more impatient than expectant or appraising. “I heard you making strange noises behind the throne. Would you care to elaborate?”

I passed the bottle of amaretto back to her and she took it with magic, giving me an odd look. “I was practicing my kata.”

“Okay. What is a kata and why did you give me back your bribe?”

“A kata is a specific form of a martial art, and I gave it back because you bought my silence until breakfast. We’re not at breakfast.” I answered simply.

“So you were a self-homicidal soldier?” Luna asked, skipping the other bit after a briefly amazed look. I thought that she had a hard time believing that I would give it back so easily or something, which probably should have made me feel some kind of offended.

“The word you’re looking for is suicidal and no. I got discharged from the American Army before getting deployed for being a quote: ‘Smart-mouthed, bullshit know-it-all-wannabe lunatic.’. The problem was that I liked doing extra workouts because they sucked, so I never kept my mouth shut, snuck out after hours to do more work, and usually did my guard with sets of pushups mixed in. A small thing might have been the time I got in trouble for making fun of one of my superiors for nearly blowing his hand off after he did something I warned him not to do. It’s not my fault that stupid people learn better through jokes and jibes than experience sometimes.” The discharge was a little on the petty side, but it’s not like I would have made a good soldier at nineteen. I was too gung ho to fuck someone up, so I fully supported their decision when I wisened up after a week of nonstop drinking at twenty-one.

“So what was your path in life if you were not a soldier? Why would you need to know how to fight?” Luna asked, befuddled.

“Well, I got my ass handed to me a few too many times when I moved to California since I was a new face in a bad neighborhood, so that’s why I learned how to defend myself, but my job? I worked at a place called the Department of Motor Vehicles, and most of the people who see my face hate me on sight. Well, most of the people that saw me, I should say. You’re not gonna let me get back to being unemployed back on Earth, so it should be past tense.”

“... People hated you for your career? What on Equis did you do?”

“I was a glorified tax collector. No, wait, tax collectors are generally more respected than I am.” I drawled.

Luna rolled her eyes. “Then it is understandable. The hoi polloi and even many nobles lack the common sense to even think about the fact that their nation runs on their own money.”

“Taxation is theft.” I gave Luna a shit-eating grin.

She glared at me. “Do I have to bribe you again?” I took a step closer to her and she didn’t move, so I took another. Then another. When I was within arm’s reach, I slowly reached out toward her neck, but she used the liqueur to steer my hand away from her. “What are you doing?”

“I’ll shut up as long as I’m touching your fur.” I offered.

“Why? Why does it matter so much to you?” She asked, exasperated.

“Because you look like a really big stuffed pony, and I like stuffed animals. I have a six foot bear that stays in my living room just in case I want to watch a movie and nap in comfort on it.”

“... That is somewhat effeminate.” Luna said frankly.

“Blue is a masculine color.” I replied.

“I know many blue mares!” She protested readily.

“But are any of them as masculine as you?” I taunted.

Luna’s eyes took a hard glint. “Red Rum, please continue to test my patience. I have taken mercy on you thus far; do not make me regret it.”

“... And you’ll do…? What exactly now? Force me to keep living? Because you’re already doing that. Kill me? If it wouldn’t hurt your conscience too severely then please. By all means. If you’re planning on torturing me, then it’s not going to matter. You’ll feel more doing whatever it is that strikes your fancy than I’ll care about it, so what are you gonna do, Lulu? If you don’t want to deal with me, send me back and let me get out of your mane.” I said realistically.

Luna glowered at me with intent to intimidate. “Follow.”

“Learned your lesson, I guess.”

“All I have to do is castrate you and cut out your tongue.” Luna replied darkly.

I leaned down the entire three inches of height difference between us and stared her in the opposite direction of up. It was High Noon and Mcree was me, but I had a feeling Luna was on some Hanzo bullshit. “Luna. Existence is suffering. Breathing is tedious. Blinking is a production in itself. Nothing will make me want to live any less than I already do, and mutilating me ruins whatever plan of rehabilitating me that you might have. Let’s go get some food.”

“... We are leaving because I am hungry.” Luna snarled.

“So am I. Do you know if you have any oranges? I like citrus.”

Luna turned and walked away from me, so I followed like the good dog she apparently wanted me to be.

Author's Note

Blase Blase Blase. Give no fucks.

I have no idea as to how far this story will go since I'm having trouble finding a motivation for Anon that isn't just die. It's fake news all over again.