Author's Note

I'm genuinely enjoying writing this. I hope you all enjoy reading it.

Thanks to JackRipper and TaiTai for helping me edit this and become better at writing. Enough to let me make people laugh.
Go give them some love:
Jack https://www.fimfiction.net/user/228853/JackRipper

TaiTai https://www.fimfiction.net/user/295593/Taitai

A Human called Anon

Anon turned around and locked his apartment door. Tired from a day of grueling menial labor working at a grocery store, he walked over to the end table that made up his television stand and sits down on a beanbag chair. What a day it’s been.

Anon sighed as he questioned his purpose. “Why do I even fucking bother doing this anymore? I’ve been working at the same dead end job for twelve years and life is just as much bullshit as it was when I lived with my parents.” He should have finished high school and went on to work construction like his dad suggested, but NOPE. He fucked out of there like the school was a spider the size of a truck, with wings and had the ability to breathe fire. Fucking idiot.

“Hey dick-for-brains, you know I can hear you calling me that, right?” Anon barked at a non-existent voice.

Hey, quit breaking the fourth wall. This is my story and I’ll say whatever I damn well want to.

Anon rolled his eyes and stuck up a middle finger behind his head. “No. You could at least not show me to be some fucking loser wagecuck.”

Again, it’s MY story. Technically it’s yours, since I’m the one writing it about you, but that’s none of your concern. Just relax and watch some T.V or something, I don’t know.

Anon does exactly that and kicks his shoes off. He turns on the magic show box and flips through T.V. channels, browsing to find something interesting. Aside from the occasional news report of criminals, weather disasters, and war-torn areas in the Middle East that the USA starts over oil, nothing entertained this fairly average man. He throws his head back and stares at the white ceiling above, watching the ceiling fan spin. It’s actually quite relaxing to watch it spin and could probably put him to sleep. That is, if he wasn’t so fucking hungry. A low rumble formed in the pit that made up his stomach, crying out for the sweet relief that only tendies could satisfy.

“Tendies? What am I, some fourty year old 4chan user who lives in a basement?” Anon asked, cringing at the stupidity and feeling insulted.

No, you’re a thirty-one year old virgin who lives in a shitty-ass apartment.

He tries to refute the claim, but simply lays back into his seat irritated. Can’t argue with blunt truth to the face. It hurts more than the gnaw of the tiger that is his belly.

“Fuuuuuuck I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten at all today. But if I eat now, then I’ll be that much food shorter to running out before I get paid.” Anon debated whether starving for the day was better than starving at the end of the week. Maybe if his life consisted of actual labor, then he wouldn’t need to struggle to make ends meet.

“Damn, he’s right. Should have taken that job dad offered me all those years ago” Anon whispered, admitting defeat. “Can’t you just like, oh I don’t know, write in that I magically have money in my pocket or something? I mean, this is YOUR story, so anything can happen.”

Yeah, I could do that. But why grant nice things to you when I can simply just screw around and make your life hell? For the fun of it. Wouldn’t you do the same if you were in my shoes?

“Shit, I can’t argue with that. You’ve got a point there. If we swapped places, I legit would do that. Probably would make you have cancer or some shit. Maybe make a book about memes.”

Exactly. Now can you please stop breaking the fourth wall? This is the beginning of the fucking story and we already have nonsensical shit going on. Boom, you have a fridge now, so go eat and stop that growling in your stomach. It’s annoying.

Anon pumps his fist into the air and makes a distinct ‘Whoot!’ sound. “You mean I have a fridge? Sweet. Thanks for the free grub.”

The man stands up and begins the intense journey of walking over dirty clothes and take out containers, eventually moving over to small black refrigerator. Peering into the white heaven that contained the holy snack foods, Anon reached in and pulled out a small plastic container with processed meat in it, as well as a slice of cheese. Extending his arm in further, he pulls out a near-empty bread box and tosses all the objects onto a nearby countertop.

After combining the ingredients into the usual square shape, he walks back over to his beanbag chair and plops himself down. “Wish I had more to eat than some cheap storebrand products. But, food is food. Ham sandwich time.” He takes a bite and closes his eyes, imagining he is eating a large cut of seasoned fish, washing down the bite with a small sip of soda he left out that morning. Keeping his eyes closed, he finishes the sandwich and lays back into his seat and listens to the T.V. in front of him. The noise begins to grow more dim as time goes on, fading into nothing but background noise. Anon starts to fall asleep. He imagines he’s falling through a sky onto a grassy field in front of an apple orchard. Only it’s not a dream.

Anon opens his eyes and sees that he’s actually falling out of the sky and down onto a field of soon to be pain. Yeah dude, you’re fucked. GG son, you had a nice life.

“THA FUQ!? FUCKINGWHYAMIFALLINGTOTHEGROUNDOHMYGODIMGONNADIEEEEE!!!” he screams at the top of his lungs like a little girl.

For all of about four seconds, Anon remains airborne. Before he hits the earth like a bird made out of bricks. Or just a brick in general. The familiar sound of a man groaning in pain can be heard from nearby.

“Ughhh…. I’m not even gonna question why I’m alive. I guess for plot reasons?” Anon says as he rubs his throbbing head and aching body. All he can hear is ringing from the impact he just took. His vision fades to black.

After what feels like an eternity of adver-

FREE PENIS ENLARGEMENT PILLS! SEXY GIRLS IN YOUR AREA! THIS IS HASBRO, BUY OUT TOYS!

-ments later,

“What in the hay is that thing!?” screams the southern voice of a little girl.

“I-I don’t know! I thought I was going to open a portal door to the school!” a squeaky girl fearfully says.

“I thought ya said ya were getting better at yer magic!”

“I did! I-I don’t know what went wrong! I followed the book I took from Twilight carefully…” the squeaky girl cries.

“Ya skimmed through it, didn’t ya?”

“Maybe...”

“Uh, girls? I think it’s getting up!” a third girl says frightened.

Anon sits up in the small crater he created. Shaking his head and climbing above the ring of dirt, he spots ahead of him three pastel colored creatures. One was a white unicorn with a pink and purple main and tail. The second was an orange and purple chicken. No wait, it was just a winged horse-pegasus-thing. The third was just a small yellow and red horse.

Fully recovered, aside from the pain in his back, Anon looks at the three frightened creatures, which were apparently horses of some sort, with confusion. Was he dreaming or was the food he ate bad and he was tripping balls from it? He pinched himself to try and wake himself up, but decided that the pain he was experiencing was too real to be a dream.

“Okaaaaay, either I am tripping balls, or I’m in a world of magical colored ponies who may or may not also be part of a television show enjoyed by adult men.” Anon said as he began to walk slowly toward the scared equines.

Gee, way to be subtle about it.

The orange and purple pegasus shakes her own head and puts on a confident and brave face, still shaking slightly.

“L-listen here you monster! I d-don’t know what you are, b-but I won’t let you hurt my friends. You better back off!”

“Talking horses, greaaaat. I definitely know I’m tripping balls now. Only thing I can do now is wait for the food poisoning or something to wear off. Thanks for the drugged food, narrator guy.”

You’re welcome, dipshit. And you actually aren’t tripping balls. This is all real. Even the rainbow colored horses.

Anon’s face switches from one of confusion to one of disbelief.

“Suuuure. And I’m guessing that those apple trees all the way over there are real too. Just send me back to my beanbag chair now..”

The three horses look at each other, then back to Anon.

“Wait, you can talk?” the yellow horse questioned.

“Uh, yeah? Shouldn’t I be asking you that? Since when are horses multi-colored and have the ability to talk.” Anon looks at the wings and horn. “And have wings and horns?”

The pegasus starts backing away slowly, but stops far enough away to remain enough distance to feel safe but close enough to still get a good look at Anon. Her guard doesn’t drop for even a fraction of a second.

Realizing they aren’t in any danger, the other two start to step closer. “What do ya mean horses? Ain’tcha ever seen a pony before?” the yellow pony says, mystified by the man in front of her.

The unicorn sets one of her hooves on the yellow pony’s shoulders. “Let me handle this, Apple Bloom.”

“Wait, you three are ponies?” Anon’s face lights up as he slowly realizes where he is. “Ponies. As in magical ponies that live in the land of Equestria?”

The unicorn looks back at Apple Bloom and back to Anon and nods.

Three… two… one…

“Wait… I’m in EQUESTRIA!?” Anon screams with his hands on his face.

Yep, Equestria. You know, from the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. That Equestria. And those three are Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle. Surprised you didn’t realize any of this the moment you saw talking horses.

“Don’t ruin this, narrator. This is probably the best thing to ever happen to me.” A very slight squee can be heard coming from Anon’s mouth. GAAAAAAY.

“S-shut up… It’s not my fault ponies are so adorable…” Anon mutters to himself. “Asshole…”

Anon, you are literally triple gay for liking ponies. You’re a poor excuse for testosterone.

The CMC look at Anon with curiosity.

“Mr, what do you mean by narrator?” Scootaloo asks.

Anon turns his head to face Scootaloo. “Listen uh… magical talking ponies, you mean you three can’t hear that voice that’s picking on me?” The ponies shake their head no. “Ugh… of course you wouldn’t hear it. Well, nevermind why I said ‘narrator’.”

Maybe if you weren’t dumb as a sack of rocks, then you would be more observant and notice these things. Or at least assume them.

“Are you okay, Mr? You kind of fell from a really high height. I don’t think anypony could survive a fall from that high. What even are you, anyway?” Sweetie Belle asks.

“Hmm? I’m a mother-fluffing called a human.”

Scootaloo cocks her head some. “What’s a ‘human’?”

Anon, still giddy from finding out he’s talking to ponies, does his best to explain what a human is without freaking out over the fact that he’s talking to the CMC.

“Well, it’s nice to meet ya Mr. Anon. A’hm Apple Bloom. This here is Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. I’m real sorry we was scared of you. You seem awfully nice.”

D’awww. She likes you. Now kiss.

Anon lowers his voice and berates the narrator. “Dude. She’s like ten! No way in hell would I diddle a filly, especially the CMC. That’s straight up jail time.”

Hehehe. You know I’m kidding right? This isn’t one of those foalcon fanfics. Not like you haven’t had a few dreams about sex with the characters.

Anon does his best to ignore the narrator, his cheeks turning a slight tint of red. “N-nice to meet you too. But uh, can you tell me how I ended up here? I was sleeping in my apartment one moment and the next I’m falling out of the sky.”

Sweetie Belle blushed. “Weeell… I sort of tried to cast a spell that Princess Twilight said was too advanced for me. I got cocky and ended up teleporting you here instead of us where we wanted to go. Guess I’m not as good at magic as I thought…” She looks down at the ground, running a hoof in circles.

Anon feels the feels in his heart as he looks at the clearly depressed marshmallow pony. Fucking do something, my heart can’t handle the sad horse-face.

He moves closer to Sweetie Belle, putting his hand on her shoulder to comfort her. “H-hey, there’s no reason to be ashamed of trying hard. You said it yourself that it was too advanced for you. It just means you need to work harder and get better.”

Heh, you said ‘hard’.

Scootaloo on the other hand/hoof, is still on edge about the possibly dangerous being touching her friend. “I said back off my friends. D-don’t ignore me! I swear I’ll... I’ll…” She pauses, gathering her thoughts. “I’ll go get Rainbow Dash! You’ll be s-sorry!”

Anon just pretends to not hear the nearby clucking. “You said you took a book from some princess? You know stealing is wrong, right?”

Sweetie Belle cringes, as does the narrator. Only I’m cringing from the cliche sappy dialogue. “I was going to return it before she found out…”

“Doesn’t matter, stealing is still wrong. Even if you were going to return what you stole.”

Apple Bloom gets a worried look on her face. “W-wait! Ya STOLE a book from Twilight? Ya told us she lent it to ya! Do ya have any idea on how much trouble yer gonna be in if she finds out!?”

“We gotta return that book!” Scootaloo says as she pushes Sweetie Belle from behind. “Ngh! Come on, move!”

“You guys are right, I’m going to be in trouble!”

Oh wow, I didn’t even think of them getting in trouble with bookhorse. You mind helping them out, Nonny-boi?

“S-sure. Hey, do you guys want me to carry you? I have a feeling I can run much faster than you three can, considering my legs are longer.” Anon points at his lower extremities. “I know we just met and all, but I’d feel terrible to not help you three.”

“Ya’d really help us? I was right about ya. Yer real nice.”

Without even needing to hear another word, Anon crouches down and grabs Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, throwing them over his shoulders. Looking forward at the frightened Scootaloo, he gets a mischievous grin on his face.

She looks at Anon with a scowl. “I’m not climbing on your back even if you are helping us. I don’t trust you…”

“Do you think you have a choice? If you won’t get on my back, I’ll just carry you in my teeth like a kitten. And it will be adorable.”

“Y-you wouldn’t…”

“Watch me.”

Anon jumps forward and tosses Apple Bloom into the air, reaching down to pick up Scootaloo and placing the back of her neck skin into his mouth.

Oh I’m so jealous of you Anon, getting to have three adorable things around you. They’re so friggin cuuuuute.

“Wha effer. Chime to wum!”

Apple Bloom points a hoof in the direction of her family’s forest of apple trees. “Run into the orchard and follow the path. It’s the quickest way back into Ponyville.”

Anon sprints away from the clearing he’s in, reaching a path leading in to Sweet Apple Acres and, eventually, Ponyville.