Author's Note

I'm surprised the fic is doing well so far. Wonder if anyone's chuckled at what I've written so far.

Special thanks to argonaut for editing this chapter.

Argo https://www.fimfiction.net/user/322430/argonaut

Blue Fast

Moving at a breakneck pace, Anon travels down the stone and dirt path without stopping, the pissed off Scootaloo in his mouth from the nape of her neck bouncing gently the entire time. It was actually quite fun for the girls Anon carried, considering he had run fast enough for them to feel multiple Gs. Upon reaching the edges of Ponyville, Anon slows his pace down to walking speed. Why the fuck did you run so far dude? Like seriously, you had all day to get there.

Anon panted heavily, almost falling to the ground a few times while walking. “Why… dith I wun?” He spits out Scootaloo, who lands on her hooves. “And h-how did I go.. so fast? I don’t think any creature could go that fast.”

Don’t know, don’t care. Just keep going. I don’t want our little marshmallow to become shish kebabed by book horse.

“That was awesome! I’ve never seen anypony run that fast!” Sweetie Belle commented.

“It was pretty cool. Rainbow Dash is faster though.” Scootaloo brags.

Obsessed with rainbow cunt-horse much? I swear it’s all she talks about in the show.

“Yer right about that, Scootaloo. I doubt anypony could go as fast as Rainbow Dash.” Apple Bloom added.

“Now hold on, I don’t think anything could go faster than DYAAGHCK-”

Anon has the breath knocked out of him by a large speeding projectile and it pushes him into the ground. The object spins around toward the now airborne fillies and gently sets them down. Above the group is Rainbow Dash, giving Anon a glare that could melt steel.

Welp, he dead. Talk about Rainbow Dash and she’s bound to show up. Almost like she has a radar built out of arrogance

“That’ll teach you for trying to foalnap my friends, monster!” says the annoying tomboy.

Scootaloo’s reaction goes from being amazed at her idol to being confused. “Uh, Rainbow Dash? He wasn’t going to foalnap us.”

“What’re you talking about? Of course he was! Why else would he carry you three like animals?”

“Sweetie Belle stole a book from Twilight and he was helpin’ us return it so she doesn’t get all twisted outa shape!” Apple Bloom says, freaking out. “Why else would he be walkin’ with us INTA Ponyville?”

Rainbow Dash ponders what the two had to say for a moment and blushes. “Hehe, oops. Sorry about that, big guy. Guess I misread the situation.”

Anon jumps back onto his feet, a look of fury in his eyes. “You're SORRY?! I forgive you for fucking up my shit. You know, fuckin' hospital bills in this shitty land cost me a fuckin' fortune you blue cunt! Like FUCKING HELL you're sorry!"

Anon calm down. Violence and Ponies doesn’t mix.

“Make me!”

Anon, I’ll write in that you’re sterile. And you’ll have AIDS. She’ll get what’s coming to her, as karma’s a bitch. Be glad I made the four ponies hear censorship bleeping. As in you literally said the word bleep.

The flames of anger inside Anon are anything but quenched. But, not wanting to piss off his all powerful and amazingly dashing narrator, he slows his breathing and tries to calm himself.

Rainbow Dash raises her hooves. “Whoa there dude, calm down. You okay? I said I was sorry. I don’t want start a fight.”

“I-it’s fine.” Anon covers his chest with his hands, slightly wincing at the forming bruise. “Not like I can’t get through this. I did just fall from like sixty feet in the air.”

“Whoa. And you’re not even injured? That’s awesome!”

Ok, hold up. She’s angry at you one moment and impressed the next? What is this, cartoon hors- Oh wait, it is.

Anon’s mouth forms a smug grin. “I guess you could say that. I probably have a bunch of adrenaline running through me though.”

Nope, you’re in a world filled with magic and junk. It only makes sense that you’d survive a fall like that. Logic doesn’t exist here, dumbass.

“So what, I’m superhuman or something now?”

Possibly. I mean, I wouldn’t say it’s IMPOSSIBLE for you to be more resilient to damage. But then again, this cartoon shit doesn’t allow logic, neither.

“Huh. Well, that seems a little stupid to give a protagonist an ability like that. I can only imagine what sort of powers I have.”

You’re not wrong about it being stupid, if not cliche. At least I’m not making you a black and red alicorn OC with a prowess in everything and dating all mane six. This fandom has been through enough of that already, so spare them the suffering.

Rainbow Dash is in total ‘the fuck’ mode right now. “You okay there buddy? You’re sort of just talking to yourself about… stuff. I’m not even going to try and understand any of what you said. It makes my brain hurt.”

Oh this gives me an idea for some nice chaos. Discord would be giggling like a school filly.

Anon tries to rectify his mistake of talking to a non-existent being. “Oh, right. Uh, just ignore anything I just said.”

“Riiight… So back to the deal at hoof. You’re helping these squirts return a book to my egghead of a friend?”

Get her to introduce herself. I want to see how arrogant she can get.

“Yep. And hey, are you Rainbow Dash? Scootaloo here said you were faster than any pony.”

Blue Fast’s face lights up, arrogantly smiling and tooting her own annoying horn. Ugh. “So you told him about the greatest flyer in Equestria, did ya?” Scootaloo nods. “Well let me tell you, I am exactly that. Ain’t nopony faster or more awesome than I am. You’re lucky I’m on break from my job or else you wouldn’t have gotten to bask in my greatness.”

Sweetie Belle tilts her head some. “What do you mean? You’re off work today. As a matter of fact, we saw you pranking somepony before we went over to Sweet Apple Acres.”

Rainbow Dash’s eyes shift left and right. “You guys are a laugh. I-I don’t know what you’re talking about…” Obvious lies are obvious.

I hate her more than I already did. No one is more arrogant than me. NO ONE. Anon, I demand that you put her in her place. Race her after you return the book. Even if she’s a flying pony-thing. Race that whore.

Anon gasps. “Oh Shitaki mushrooms! That’s right! I nearly forgot about the book.”

“Eeek! Sorry Rainbow Dash, but we have to go. Like, now.” Sweetie Belle squeaks. The squeaking. Can’t handle. The cute. HNNNNG!

Anon picks up all three fillies in his arms and takes off running at a slower pace, this time toward the giant crystal castle off in the distance, Rainbow Dash following close behind in case Anon dropped any of the three orphan wannabes. Well, maybe only Scootaloo is an orphan wannabe. I don’t actually know if she has parents. They’re probably cocaine dealers outside the back of the rip-off Las Vegas.

Upon reaching the eyesore that is Twilight’s skidmark of a castle, he parks his feet into the ground about two inches (which will be the size of his dick if he doesn’t stop getting snappy with me) to get himself to stop. Before him stood the door to the Underworld. Which was bookhorse’s overused map room. You can almost hear the voice of Hasbro in the background screaming ‘BUY OUR TOYS: EPISODE TWO’ with how hollow the room was. Like my heart. Sitting at the center of this crystal meth chamber was Twilight Sparkle herself, upon her throne of poor friendship lessons. It’s actually just the chair that came with the table. It wouldn’t be too bad, if it weren’t for the fucking arrogant cunt herself having a seat, instead of yours truly. Bet it wasn’t even built by herself, so she doesn’t even have the knowledge of the bookshelf in my garage or the real struggle and satisfaction of putting together an IKEA chair. Fucking ponies.

“Dude, you know you’re just as fucking arrogant, right?” Anon spoke out of turn.

Fite me. Only you can hear me, so it isn’t like anyone else will know. Get cucked. Oh shit, I think she’s looking up at you. BRACE FOR MONOLOGUE.