Author's Note

Early update due to reasons. Keep your eyes peeled tomorrow, as well though, as I will have something then for you!

Can't make an omelette. . . .

“Really, Dash? The library?!”

“Yeah! That place is freakin’ terrifying, dude!”

“But you love to read!”

She snorted as we walked along the road leading out of town towards Twilight Sparkle’s castle. “Yeah, Daring Do! She’s totally awesome! But that’s like, the ONLY thing I read! Well, that and Wonderbolts Monthly, but that’s mostly just for the pictures. I swear, she is so hot in that uniform. . . .”

“What was that?”

“Nothing! My point is, the library is FILLED with all kinds of books! About everything! And I mean everything!” She looked at me with a frightened twinkle in her eye. “It is a place made for eggheads, by eggheads, and awesome people need not apply! However, it’s also the only place I know of where you can learn about pony anatomy.”

“I think I’m gonna need something a bit more. . . explicit, than some biology textbook, Dash.”

“Ppffft! What do I look like, huh? I ain’t giving you no damn textbook to read!”

“You’re not?”

“Tartarus, no!”

I scratched my head, confused. “Then, what am I gonna study?”

She smirked, chuckling evilly. “Twilight’s stash.”

I pursed my lips, narrowing my eyes. “Her stash? Her stash of what, exactly, Dash?”

She glanced at me like I was an idiot. “Dude. . . I know you’re not that dense.” At my unmoving expression, she groaned and face-hoofed. “Think about it! Twilight is, like, the biggest nerd ever, surrounds herself with books all the time, and spent most of her formative years all by herself in an observatory! What kinda stash do you THINK I mean?!”

I blinked, a long slow one, and then my eyes widened. “Wait. . . Are you saying that Twilight Sparkle. . . .The ever-loving Princess of Friendship. . . . Founder of the School of Friendship. . . . Has a porn stash!?”

“Well, freakin’ duh! I bet she’s never even HAD sex before, dude! I swear, as pent up and nervous as she is, she has to get it out somehow, right?”

I shrugged. “I guess I always just assumed she . . . I dunno, locked it away in her memory palace or repressed it or some shit. I dunno.”

I continued thinking about this as we made our way towards the castle, it’s spires and pennants flapping in the breeze, in the distance. I had to say, now that I thought about it, it made sense. She was a living, breathing mare, the same as any other in Equestria. She had to have urges, and such. But she was an Alicorn Princess! If I started thinking about her looking at porn and jilling one out, then I’d have to think about Celestia or Luna doing the same.

Whelp, too late. Now that image is gonna be with me when I try to sleep tonight.

We finally walked up to the front door of the castle. Dash knocked, while I licked my tooth, rocking back and forth on my heels. The structure was. . . pretty impressive, all things considered. It wasn’t my first time seeing it. Hel, I’d even been inside once, right after I got here.

Thinking about that particular day was a bit off-putting. Not unhappy, mind you, just off-putting. As such, I turned my thoughts to something else. Inevitably, they returned to our reason for being here, and I once again felt a strange blush creeping up my neck.

I just couldn’t picture Twily having a porn stash. It was like being told Santa had a gimp suit. Just. . . no. She always seemed so friendly and innocent. I mean, not that there was anything wrong or evil about having a porn stash, I mean, no one could beat the one I had back on earth prime, as I liked to call it.

But, I think in the end, that was just it. In my mind, Twilight Sparkle was better than me. She was a freakin’ Alicorn Princess, a royal demi-goddess, for fuck’s sake! True, she wasn’t immortal, like the two sisters, but still. . . . The fact that she was, in the end, no different, no better than anyone else, including me, was a little off-putting, as well.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by the door opening, revealing a big ol’ steamin’ pile of nothing on the other side. “Uhh. . . .” I slowly panned my eyes downwards, finally spotting the diminutive form of a purple scaled dragon with green fins standing, holding the door open.

“Oh, hi Rainbow, hi Fyren. ‘Sup?” Spike said, casually, smiling up at us both. Dash grinned down at him briefly, before zipping inside.

“Hiya, Spike. Hey, where’s Twilight? We need to talk to her about. . . something.”

Spike was young, but not an idiot, all evidence to the contrary, and he caught the hesitation in the blue Pegasus’ voice as I stepped over the threshold, into the delightfully cool shade of the castle foyer. The little guy shut the door and cocked his head at Rainbow.

“What are you wanting to talk to her about?”

“. . . . . Something.” Dash said, shooting him a sour glare.

Spike lifted his eyebrows and glanced at me, and I just shrugged. I wasn’t sure how open about this sort of thing Equestrians were with their young, but from all accounts, in spite of his teenager attitude, Spike was still considered a baby dragon. It was probably best to ere on the side of caution. As such, I kept my mouth shut, and followed Dash’s lead.

Surely, I had lost my mind, when that was my first decision.

Finally, Spike shook his head, shrugging. “Ok, fine, be all super secretive and stuff. She’s upstairs in her bedroom.”

Dash went to zip off, but then paused. “Uhh. . . . What’s she doin’ up there?”

Spike smirked and rolled his eyes. “She said she was organizing one of her private bookshelves.”

Dash suddenly grinned. A horrible, awful. . . Oh, yeah, made that joke already. A little less laziness, Author!

Bite me!

Tempting, but I might catch something. Like cancer.

. . . Hey, wait a minute, I don’t make that reference for another-

Uhh, what?! What reference?! I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about! Anyway, moving on!

Dashie grinned that grin, and tapped her hooves together. “Perrrrfect. . . . “ She purrrrrred, the look on her face making me more than mildly uncomfortable.

She zipped upstairs, and I looked at Spike, who just shrugged. I copied him, then started ambling up the stairs, my hands in the pockets of my kilt. I wasn’t even a third of the way up the flight when Rainbow zipped back into view, stopping a foot from my face.

“Will you hurry the hay up, dude! And be quiet!” The last was said in an overly dramatic whisper, right before she shot off like a prismatic rocket once again. I blew out an exasperated breath and started following her up the stairs at a light jog, trying to not make too much noise.

I thought Rainbow was crazy, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t hurt me if I screwed up whatever she was planning. In fact, it potentially meant the opposite. So, I stayed as quiet as possible, while also moving as fast as possible upstairs. No mean feat, if I do say so myself.

I met Dash at the end of a long hall, and she led the way down, stopping before a door that looked very much like all the others in the corridor. Seriously, Twily needed to get some freakin’ signposts or something set up with directions on them, this place had a serious case of the Tardis Flu going on. That, or Arthur Weasley had been at it like the trunk of his car. Either way, it did not look that big from the outside.

I quirked an eyebrow as Dash landed softly and, putting a hoof to her lips to demand silence, leaned over and pressed her ear up against the door, her face once more breaking out in that grin.

You know. . . .

. . . . That grin.

Mirroring her, I leaned down, pressing my ear up against the door, uncertain as to what we were doing. Sometimes, I wonder at how oblivious I am. Or is that just a certain author making me look stupid. . . . What, no comment? Maybe he’s worn out from the last chapter.

My thoughts went blank, however, once I got a clear listen at the sounds on the other side of the door.

I heard Twilight’s voice, softly murmuring. I pressed up closer to the door, wondering who she was talking to. It was at that moment, apparently, that she hit a sweet spot, because her voice suddenly came through, muffled but distinct.

”Ohhhh, baby, rut me just like that!”

And my face burst into flame.

However, I could not bring myself to draw away from the door.

”Oh! Oh, yeeesss. . . .Mmf! Oh. . . Sh-. . . Nnggh! Sh-Shining!”

My eyes went wide as saucers. Not only were we indirectly spying on Twilight’s masturbation session, but it involved an incestuous fantasy about her happily married brother! Oh, Goddess, fuck me in the ass with a ten foot dildo.

Dash leered and I saw her hoof reaching for the door knob, even as Twily’s moans started to peak. I reached out with my left hand and grabbed her foreleg, and she blinked up at me.

-What are you doing?!- I mouthed at her, glaring.

-Dude!- She mouthed back, and reached her other hoof for the door. My other hand shot out, grabbing hold, leaving my arms crossed at the elbow. Dash glared daggers at me.

-Let. Go.-

I gulped, and shook my head. She gave a silent snarl, repeating herself. I just shook my head. I mean, no pony, and I mean no pony was more petite, fuzzy and adoracute than Rainbow Dash. True, she might knock my teeth out with a sucker punch if she heard me say it, but I had both her forelegs under control.

What the hell was she gonna do?

I really am an idiot, aren’t I?

Shoving into me, her wings flapping, I found myself staggering back before I could dig my heels into the floor. It took a lot of strength to push back against her, surprising me. Her back hoof lashed out, kicking the door knob, and the door flew open behind her.

She smirked, and suddenly swept her wings in the opposite direction, pulling herself backwards, through the door, the momentum suddenly shifting in the direction I was pushing with all 190 plus pounds of my body weight.

It was at that moment, I knew. . . .

She spun in midair, pushing my left hand up, and pulling my right hand down, the arms, still crossed at the elbows, acting as a fulcrum, levering my body around. My feet left the floor and I was suspended in midair, very, very briefly.

Yep. I fucked up.

I slammed hard into the floor, my head aching, my ears ringing loudly enough that I was barely able to register the sound of Twilight’s shocked gasp from behind us.

My only thought as I lay there, blinking up at the ceiling was: Was that a labai throw?

How the fuck did she know how to do a freakin’ labai throw!?

I slowly sat up, looking at her smug, hovering face with a disoriented glare.

“How the fuck do you know how to do that?!”

She snorted, shaking her head. “Dude. You are talking to the pony who was top of her class at the Wonderbolt Academy!”

I stared for a minute, gears slowly creaking in my still addled brain pan.

Oh, yeah. That’s right.

Due to all the fliers, posters, figurines, coffee mugs and other such merchandise, along with the fact that they were a demonstration and stunt team, I kinda forgot.

The Wonderbolts were part of Equestria’s military.

I slowly lay back down. “Shit.” I said. It was becoming a habit.

Fortunately, my mind didn’t have to dwell on my monumental stupidity for long.

“What the buck are you two doing in here?!”

Oh, yeah. Twilight. I nearly forgot.