...and you’re going to fucking love it!
Within a wide room known as the dining hall, a pony- NO! A man, sat in a modified chair, delicately sipping on his morning coffee like any sane person would.
Which in his case, was chugging that fucker down his gullet.
With a satisfied sigh from having his morning coffee, the man closed his eyes as he cupped his hands around his beverage and waited for the other occupants to come through the doors.
And you ask, who is this man? Well by the title and character tag you should already fucking know but I will indulge you. This man’s name is Anonymous, or Anon for short. He’s exactly as you would or should picture him, a green man with a bald head, wearing a suit and tie, and a question mark for his face. However, our dear Anon has discarded the formal wear for some nice Saturday pj’s. For some reason I wrote that with Morgan Freeman’s voice
Back to to the story, we find him relaxing in his modified seat in the royal dining room, after being awoken by that damned sun in his royal bedroom, and after taking a number two in his royal bathroom. If you hadn’t guessed already, he’s in Canterlot Castle.
Now, I should probably bore you of his backstory on how he got here to this land of crayola ponies. He doesn’t exactly remember much except for waking up in the throne room while a one Princess Celestia was doing court. Everyone or everyPONY as they say, were stunned to see a strange creature end up in their throne room. The guards didn’t know whether to attack or keep their ground but their princess answered for them by slowly approaching the creature.
Anonymous was not unconscious for long as he woke up with a groan and rubbed his head, mumbling something about chimichangas and tacos. When he opened his eyes, well he immediately shut them from the sunlight coming through the windows. When he tried again, albeit slowly, he was surprised to find a white horse standing in front of him, asking what he was. His only response was to get up at his full height, which was head level with the princess much to her shock, and proceed to scratch her behind the ears while spewing nonsense of being on some weird shit.
To say the least, the ponies were horrified while their princess was happy to make a friend so quickly. Especially one who gives nice scratches and belly rubs, which are used for every court, whether it’s day or night. That also explains why he stays in the castle, because his job is to relieve stress for the ponies and princesses who need it with his fabulous fingers.
‘Speaking of Celestia.’ Anon thought to himself as he looked at the occupant who just opened the doors. A yawning Celestia walked through the doors and towards her seat at the end of the table. Well, it was more like a cushion but let’s not worry about that. It was gucci material so that might count as a royal seat.
Celestia tiredly dragged her hooves over to her seat, which she -unprincess like as one would say- sat her rump in. With another yawn and a smack of her lips, she opened her eyes and scanned the room. When her eyes landed on the human, she smiled and gave a lazy wave of her wing.
“Good morning Anonymous.” She said as she stifled another yawn with her hoof. Anon chuckled as he watched the princess stretch her tired muscles to keep herself awake, only for it to make her seem more tired.
“I wouldn’t call it a good morning,” Anon replied as he leaned back in his chair, “but I would call it a morning.”
Celestia gave a small chuckle of her own as one of her servants sat down some tea in front of her. “One of these days, you will like the mornings Anonymous.”
A snort was his response as he brought the coffee cup to his lips. “Yeah, that’ll be the day Pewdiepie does an actual, ‘Fridays With Pewdiepie’ video.” He answered while taking a sip.
Celestia tilted her head in a cute manner as she stared at the man in confusion. “Um, who is Pew-dee-pie?”
Anon was going to answer, but his mind was drawing a blank, causing him to shut his mouth with a clack. Shrugging he took another sip of his coffee and sat it down. “Don’t know, the thought just left me.”
The princess ruffled her wings while activating her magic. A golden aura grabbed the tea cup bringing it to her own lips, allowing her to blow cool air on it. “Your memories seem to be getting better.”
Anon gave a short laugh. “Yeah, if jokes and remarks that nopony gets come and go, then yeah, I’d say they’re getting better.” He answered with sarcasm.
Celestia rolled her eyes at Anon’s sarcastic remark as she took a sip of her tea. A content sigh escaped her lips as the wonderful drink went down her throat. Even the sun seemed to shine brighter because of the glorious thing that was her tea.
Silence followed for a few minutes, only accompanied by the sounds of sipping and the clanking of Celestia’s tea cup. Anon, feeling a little more awake, looked around the room, finding one occupant not accounted for.
“Say Celly,” The princess in question turned to the young man, “where’s my whittle night pony, Wuna?”
A stifled giggle reached his ears as the princess brought a hoof to her mouth. She always found it funny about the nickname Anon had given her sister while Luna didn’t exactly like it. Not in a public setting at least but she wouldn’t admit that.
After stifling another giggle, Celestia cleared her throat and looked at the human. “Luna will not be joining us for breakfast this morning, so it’s just us.”
Anon gave a hum in response. “One of those days huh?”
The white pony nodded as she activated her horn. In response, another servant came out of the side doors with a notepad in her magic. Stopping at Celestia’s spot, she bowed and looked at her princess.
“Good morning Princess, what will you be having today?”
“I would like a small slice of cake please.” Celestia replied kindly to the servant. The pony nodded as she wrote that down and looked at Anonymous with a grin.
“And a good morning to you monkey boy.” She said with a playful attitude.
Anon gave a laugh at the pony’s playful jibe. “Morning to you, fuzzball.”
The pony giggled as she came over to his side and gave him a quick hug. Her name was….you know what, fuck it, she’s not an important character right now so we’ll just call her Fuzzy and if you want a description, well tough shit.
Anon returned the hug with tired enthusiasm. He and this pony were good friends if their playful jibes and remarks were anything to go by. When the hug ended he was quick to place his order.
“I want french toast with scrambled eggs and juicy sausage on the side. For a drink, I would like orange juice.”
Fuzzy instantly wrote down what he said, including the sausage part which didn’t seem to faze her as she had gotten used to the omnivorous human and his appetite.
“Right, I’ll be right out with your order.” Fuzzy said as she made her way back to the doors. When they were closed, Celestia eyed the human with furrowed eyebrows. He wasn’t oblivious to the silent question she was directing at him.
“You know it’s all in good fun right Tia?”
The large pony nodded as she picked up her tea again. “I know but do you really need to order meat in front of her? I don’t think she’s very comfortable with hearing that.”
The human shrugged as he picked up his coffee cup, only to feel that it was empty. “I haven’t seen one lick of a sign that it bothers her, but if it does than she really hides it well.”
Tia sighed but let it slide. She couldn’t really control what the human said as he was very strict on his ‘healthy diet plan’ and was not afraid to ask for his required meals. Although, she was appreciative that he didn’t keep asking the same ponies that were uncomfortable by it.
A few more minutes passed until Fuzzy exited out of the doors with meals in her magic. Stopping between the two, she sat down their respected dishes and bowed.
“Enjoy your meals.”
“Thanks Fuzzy.” Anon said before Celestia could say her thanks. That earned a slight punch to his shoulder with a blue aura as the pony left. Not wasting anytime, he removed the silver cover, revealing his fabulous breakfast. They even put a big bottle of syrup on the side. Gordon Ramsay would be proud.
Either that or he would tell everyone to fuck off.
Taking a big sniff of his breakfast, Anon prepared himself to eat. However, he stopped at the site of Celestia’s meal.
Celestia was now gorging herself into a not so small piece of double chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. She gave an unprincess-like burp as the fork destroyed and demolished the poor sugary treat.
Anon clicked his tongue as he watched the monster destroy an entire civilization that was chocolate until he cleared his throat causing her to stop. He would have laughed at her chocolate covered muzzle when she looked at him but the situation right now wasn’t a time for laughs and giggles.
“Yes.” The cake monster asked.
Anonymous cleared his throat again as he pointed at the nearly gone cake. “Tia, didn’t you have that yesterday and the days before?”
Tia eyed her delicious goodness for a moment before directing her gaze back to Anon. “Yes.”
The human nodded his head as he stared at the princess with a critical gaze. “You uh, gonna have something else to go with it.”
The princess rolled her eyes as she stabbed the poor meal and ate the rest of it in one gulp. She knew exactly where this was going. Anon was keen on making all things healthy during breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Every time someone asked him why, he said it was to please the forefathers and the almighty, Gordon Ramsay. Whatever that meant.
To be honest, she didn’t mind it since it allowed the Solar and Lunar Guards to become, and by Anon’s words, ‘buff as fuck’. If she was being truthful she has never seen some of her guards eat that healthy before, some of them saying he was the food drill sergeant.
Anon responded to that by telling them to call him Sergeant Hartman.
She sighed internally. She knew that he meant well by that, but sometimes he would forget that she and her sister were alicorns and that such things didn’t really affect them. And if you said that she’s fat in the rump then she’ll kick your ass.
Because I’m an alicorn, so fuck you.
“Anonymous, you do know that me and my sister are alicorns right? We don’t get affected by eating sweets or the like. Although, that’s not to say that we don’t eat some healthy food from time to time.” Celestia told the human as she finished her tea.
Anon hummed as he watched the white swan of a pony wipe her mouth with a napkin. When she was finished, she stretched her large wings one last time before getting up.
“As much as I would love to talk and argue about a healthy diet Anonymous,” Tia said with slight sarcasm, “I’m afraid I must be off, Day Court doesn’t start itself you know.”
Anon didn’t move to answer, instead he watched the large pony walk by him and towards the doors. Unfortunately for her, she didn’t get far as he grabbed her tail causing her to halt in her trot.
Celestia gave a silent ‘eep’ as she felt her flowing tail get grabbed, halting her advance towards the door. With a slight red hue on her cheeks, she looked back to find Anon staring at her with a neutral expression and her tail in his hand.
She swallowed as she awkwardly looked back and forth and the back to the human. “Anon w-what are you- EEP!”
Anon cut the embarrassed princess off as he yanked her tail, dragging her back to stand by him. He could see that she was not please by that as she glared at him with a blush and her feathers poofing out.
“Anonymous- AH!”
He cut her off again when he showed incredible strength from eating healthy and working out by picking her up by the barrel and walking her back to the royal cushion. When he arrived he plopped the stunned princess into her seat and knocked on the table twice, causing the sound to echo in the room.
After the initial shock wore off, Celestia glared at her human friend, which didn’t seem to have an effect due to her blush and ruffled feathers. “Anonymous! Was that truly necessary!”
Anonymous turned his neutral look to the red faced pony who was still glaring at him. Raising his hand, he gave a gentle pat on her back causing her to scrunch her nose up in a pout. It was rather cute-looking to the human.
“Don’t worry Celestia, it will all be worth it in the end. I am doing this for your own good after all.”
Celestia gave a loud groan at her human friend as she fanned her face with a hoof. “Yes, well with your antics aside, did you really have to yank my tail?”
Anon shrugged as he looked expectantly at the doors leading to the kitchen. “It was the only way to stop you, besides, I think some part of you might have enjoyed that.”
His friend blinked, wide eyed at what he had just said. It didn’t last long as she looked off to the side with a grumble and her blush deepening. Her attention didn’t remain off to the side for long when her ears flicked at the sound of a door opening. Looking over she saw Fuzzy entering into the room.
Fuzzy stopped in her tracks when she saw her monkey friend standing at the end of the dining table with a neutral look and a blushing Celestia behind him. She blinked once before she cleared her throat and gestured to the human.
“Do you, need something Anon?”
The human nodded as he did a come hither gesture. She seemed a bit hesitant but shrugged and approached her human friend. When she arrived at his feet, he crouched down and whispered what he needed in her ear.
Anon finished giving his request, prompting Fuzzy to look at him with a raised eyebrow. He only nodded slowly. Fuzzy shrugged again as she made her way back to the kitchen. Our human protagonist or whatever the word is, leaned against the table waiting for his request to be brought to him. A tap to his shoulder caused him to turn around to his large pony friend Tia.
“Anon is this really necessary?”
The human shook his head in disappointment. Poor Tia, under the influence of the damned surgery gods that gave her that chubby ass. He’ll be damned if he doesn’t do everything in his power to give her the almighty grace of healthy food for her body. Although to be fair, that’s a fine ass right there.
“Tia,” Anon said as if speaking to a child causing her to pout, “trust me, you’ll be thanking me when this is all over. The sugary goodness that is your cake won’t tempt you to eat it every morning when I’m done.”
“But-“
“Shhh,” Anon quieted the princess by putting a finger to her lips, “don’t fight it Tia, just let it come to you.”
The goddess shook his finger off her lips with a glare. “I’m not fighting anything.”
Anon shook his head again as he patted the princess’s back. “Don’t worry, when Fuzzy gets out here, we’ll purge you of that cake addiction.”
Tia snorted in frustration as she got up off of her cushion. “I don’t have time for this Anon, I have court in ten minutes and a lot of paper work to get rid of. So if you will excuse me.”
She didn’t even take the first step until a set of hands grabbed her shoulders and forcefully pushed her back on the seat. Celestia was about to rant on Anon for doing that until she saw his face directly in front of her. Both of his pupils were mere pin pricks while his eyes twitched from time to time.
‘Mother of me. It’s just like that one time when Luna exclaimed that the Power Ponies were better than Spider Man.’ Celestia thought as she tried to back up but found herself anchored in place.
“You,” Anon said catching her attention, “are staying here to eat a healthy breakfast.”
Celestia gulped as she brought her hooves up defensively. “Anon, calm down. If it makes you feel any better, we can do this during lunch-“
“There will be a sacrifice.” Anon said bluntly.
Tia blinked in shock. “S-sacrifice! What sacrifice!”
Anon blinked slowly which made Celestia shiver in discomfort. “You will surrender your cake gods to us. You will be rid of this addiction Celestia.”
Now the princess was shivering in nervousness. She knew that Anon could be a kidder sometimes but he actually seemed serious this time.
“Surely you don’t mean what you are saying my dear friend?”
Anon only nodded. “I do and I’ve told you this multiple times, my name is not Sherly.”
Celestia didn’t mind that last comment as his answer caused the princess to reel back in horror with flared wings.
“B-but...but I don’t want to lose my taste for cake! It’s too delicious!” Celestia whined like a little filly.
Anon only shook his head as the sound of a door opening reached his ears. “This is for your own good Tia. Don't worry it will be over soon.”
Tia tried to voice her disapproval but was cut off by a big bowl of fruit being put on the table. Fuzzy bowed to the duo and quickly left, not wanting to be caught in the crossfire that was Anonymous and his antics.
Not wasting any time, Anon grabbed an apple from the basket and showed it to Celestia who moved her head away from it, like it was a disease.
“Eat Tia,” Anonymous droned while trying to shove the apple in her face, “it will give you special healing powers.”
“No it won’t!” Celestia said while pushing the human back with one hoof. It seemed like she had remembered she could use magic as she teleported away from her cushion to the doors. Her actions also caused Anon to fall face first into the floor with the apple rolling out of his hand.
Celestia ruffled her wings as she looked at the end of the table she was just at while catching her breath. “I don’t want to eat right now Anon. I’ll just eat some healthy things at lunch, Alright?”
The only response she got was Anon slowly picking himself up until only his eyes and forehead could be seen over the table. His left eye twitched again as he sniffed.
“Alright.”
A breath she didn’t know she was holding exhaled out of her. Ruffling her wings again, she made her way to the door. She paused however when her ear flicked at the sound of tapping. Celestia turned around, only to gasp at the sight of Anon running on her table and pouncing off it, directly at her.
“BANZAI!”
With great speed, she flung herself out of the doors of her dining room causing Anon to miss her and yet again, face plant into the floor. She breathed heavily as he stayed there, the only sign of him living such a fall was his breathing.
She exhaled again but found her breath caught in her throat when Anon lifted his head and directed his insane gaze onto her.
“Oh Tiiiiiaaaaaa~”
Tia shouted in fear as she quickly ran down the hallways of her castle to escape the health man that was Anon. She put a little more power into her run as she heard Anon shout after her.
“CELESTIA! YOU’RE GOING TO EAT HEALTHY AND YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING LOVE IT!”
=========================
Running. All she was doing was running. She didn’t know how long they were playing this game of cat and mouse, but she definitely knew that she missed court.
It had been maybe a few minutes ago that he had caught her and she escaped. Although it was at the cost of losing some of her regalia. She took count that she was missing two of her golden shoes and her crown.
Skidding to a halt, Celestia looked behind herself to not see anyone. Sighing, she leaned against a wall to catch her breath from all the chasing. However, the princess didn’t get to do that for long as running footsteps reached her ears.
She sighed tiredly as she began to run again. Her ears picked up the sound of echoing footsteps in her hallway causing her to pick up the speed. When the steps seems to be getting closer, she quickly used her magic to open one of the doors ahead and slipped inside.
It was the perfect time to close it as the doors jerked from a large slam on the other side. She breathed in and out rapidly as she backed away from the entrance.
“Celestiiiiaaaa, I can smell you from in there~”
The sing song voice only made her back up more until her hind hoof hit, not solid ground, but something cold and wet.
With a quiet yelp, Celestia turned around to see that she was in the royal pool area. Her gaze followed the overly large pool all the way to the end to find her other exit making her groan.
The doors opening behind her however caused her to quickly make her decision. Unfurling her wings, she took off over the pool and towards the doors. A small smirk graced her features, thinking of the slight victory that she would have over flying in the big space. The princess turned around, expecting to see her friend trying to keep up from the side of the pool, but instead found him stripping down to his underwear and diving in.
She halted in her flight to raise and eyebrow at what her human companion was doing. Only for her eyes to widen in alarm as he started doing the butterfly stroke. As a matter of fact, he was doing it so well that he was literally propelling himself out of the water at great speeds.
Celestia could only stare slack jawed at the feat that only Discord or Pinkie Pie could pull off.
“How are you even doing that!”
Anon could only answer every time he came up from a stroke.
“I!”
SPLASH
“EAT!”
SPLASH
“HEALTHY!”
SPLASH
She shook her head of the migraine that was coming on from all the questions swirling through her mind. She would have asked more but she could see that he was quickly gaining distance to her. Not wanting to give him the advantage, she immediately flew faster towards the door. It took maybe well over a minute for her to slam into the tile and go through them. She turned around just in time to see Anon propel out of the water with one last stroke and dive under.
Celestia nervously looked around the water for any sign of him getting out but found nothing. Tia didn’t have to look long when he shot straight out of the water and into the air, doing a triple front flip with a twist and landing straight onto the ground…
Only for him to slip on his wet feet and face plant. Remember kids, running on wet tile and slipping is the number one cause to all deaths in pool areas. Don’t drink and drive everyone.
The princess shook her head and took off down the hallway, wanting to get the advantage ahead of her friend while she could. With any luck, she could probably hit the hallway that lead down to the main entrance.
Footsteps made her take a glance behind to see Anon taking long smooth strokes of his feet and arms to propel himself forward. It was almost like he was flying. The look on his face wasn’t helping her nerves either.
She shouldn’t have been looking for long as she hit a hard surface causing her to reel back in shock and slight pain. Shaking herself, she stared at the obstacle in front of her only to find it was a dead end with a small single window on it.
Her ears fell as Celestia dawned an expression of horror. Gulping, the princess turned around to find Anon standing behind her without even seeming out of breath. Slowly, he put a hand behind his back and took out an orange. Without wasting any time he crouched down and launched himself at her.
“HEALTHY!”
Celestia screamed as she, out of instinct, teleported away and somewhere else into the castle. She could have sworn she heard glass breaking when she teleported but that wasn’t as important right now. Taking in her new surroundings, the princess had deducted that this was her room. That is if the emblem of the sun on the big doors was anything to go by.
Shaking her head she went over to her bed and sat down on it to catch her breath for a moment before Anon eventually found her. Taking in a few more big breaths, the princess began to think on ways to avoid this. She could wait until lunch where she would eat something healthy but that would take too long and she would tire by then.
She could freeze Anon with a spe- no, that wouldn’t work. She would need to gather a lot of magic to freeze Anon with a spell, especially since he’s immune to it.
Maybe she could get Luna to do that one thing that he dislikes very much. But then again, Luna’s asleep and if she were to wake her up she would probably throw Celestia to Anon’s waiting arms.
She tried to come up with different ways to get out of her situation but none of them seemed to work in the end. As she continued to let her thoughts come up with ideas, her gaze slowly fell upon her letters that she wrote to Twilight and her-
‘That’s it!’ Celestia exclaimed. Quickly taking a parchment, she dabbed a nearby quill in ink and began writing her message to her student. When it was done she quickly sent it away with magic.
‘If I can just have Twilight and her friends stall him long enough, then I’ll be able to survive until lunch, it’s magic proof!’ Tia thought giddily.
She was brought from her self-congratulations when she heard strange noises coming from outside her open window. Swiveling her ears, she strained herself to listen, only to stare confusingly and horrifyingly at the window.
CHUNK
“How much percentage of nutrients do you get in a healthy diet?”
CHUNK
“Three-ninety-nine!”
CHUNK
….
“How is it to eat healthy you might ask?”
CHUNK
“EASY!”
CHUNK
“IT’S BLOODY EASY!”
CHUNK
Celestia stared at her window in complete and utter horror as the sounds of Anon climbing the outside of her castle began to grow in volume.
“Hi everyone, it’s Anon from Health Wow. You’ll say ‘wow’ every time you see my body.”
CHUNK
She pranced in place as she waited for her student to send her a letter. Thoughts on whether or not she should book it or not rushed through her mind as a hook appeared over her window. That hook was followed by a creepy smiling Anon, who stared at the horrified Celestia.
“Drop your cocks and grab your socks, it’s Nonny time!”
Celestia shrieked and ran to her door to open it. She was stopped as Anon launched himself at it, using his hands to keep it from opening.
“Embrace the food ya unhealthy fuck.” He said while advancing on the princess.
Celestia backed up until she was cornered in a wall. Swallowing some spit in her throat, she turned to Anon who had an avocado in his grasp.
“Just embrace it Tia, you’ll feel better if you do.”
The princess only shook her head and opened her mouth to retort. Her words got caught in her throat when she saw green magic coming towards her window. Anon saw it as well as he shook his head.
“Your student won’t save you Celly, she is as healthy as me.”
Golden magic surrounded her horn as Celestia prepared a powerful teleportation spell. “That won’t stop me from getting some help.”
Before Anon could speak, she teleported herself with a bright flash and a thundering crack. When the white spots left her eyes, Celestia found herself in the middle of her student’s library.
“P-princess!”
Her gaze fell upon the voice that belonged to her wonderful student Twilight Sparkle, who at the moment was surrounded by her friends.
“Princess Celestia, what are you-“
“There is no time Twilight, quick!” Celestia exclaimed while activating her magic. The six mares individually gave silent yelps as they were levitated off the floor and over to her sides. With another crack and flash, she teleported herself and the six mares to her castle.
Celestia and the six dazed mares ended up in the throne room. As the main six rubbed their heads with groans of discomfort, Celestia went to commanding everyone out of the room. There shall be no distractions to the mission she had in mind for these mares.
“But Princess! We need to take care of-“
“Yes, yes, yes, I know all about that stuff but right now I’m busy with Twilight and her friends.” She answered as she used a wing to push her assistant out of the room.
“But Princes!” The mare cried.
“Now is not the time! If it’s that important, save it for my sister.” The princess said with authority as she closed the doors on the mare.
“Um Princess, not to pry or anything, but what did you need us for exactly.” A curious Rainbow Dash said as she took to the air.
Celestia was quick to trot back to the girls while using her magic to enhance her hearing to maximum. She would need to be ready for when he comes.
“I’m afraid girls that something terrible has happened in the castle and only you six can stop it.”
The mares dawned serious expressions as they looked to their princess with determination. If the state that the princess looked right now, along with the fear in her voice was anything to go by then it must have been serious.
“Whatever it is princess, we can take it on and we won’t let you down!” Twilight said with a stomp of her hoof, her friends agreeing with her.
Celestia nodded as she came up to the six to explain the terrible situation. “Alright, here’s what I request of you. I need-“
Celestia paused as her enhanced hearing picked up something from the distance. It was faint but she could slightly pick it up, it sounded like-
“DADA-DA-DADADA-DA-DA!”
Her eyes widened in horror as she looked around to find out where the sound was coming from but she couldn’t pinpoint it’s location. It was too faint for her.
“Princess, what’s wrong?”
The southern drawl of Applejack quickly brought her attention back to the mares who grew wide eyed expressions of worry from her own expression.
“We need to be fast about this my little ponies, he’s almost here!”
“Whose almost here?” Rarity asked as she looked around the castle.
“DADA-DA-DADADA-DA!”
It was getting closer. She was running out of time fast. “I brought you girls here to deal with a threat. Although it might be too powerful for you girls to handle it, so I’ll need you to distract it until I find something to get rid of it.”
“We can do that Princess, with all of us working together-“
“But wait!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, cutting off Twilights monologue on friendship or some bullshit. “What’s the threat exactly?”
“DADA-DA-DADADA-DA-DA!”
“You are about to find out,” Celestia said as she looked at the main entrance of her throne room, “he’s going to be here at any moment, you must be ready because he’ll do anything to get to me!”
“But what is it?!” Twilight asked worriedly as AJ and Rainbow Dash took defensive stances towards the main entrance.
“It’s-“ Celestia didn’t get to ask as a loud and thunderous voice cut her off, causing all of the ponies to look at the entrance.
“DADADADA-DA-DA-DA!”
SMASH
“BANANA!”
All seven mares jumped with terrified shrieks as the monster presented himself in the doorway. Only it wasn’t a monster, which cause the six to blink their eyes.
It was an almost entirely naked Anon in his undies who had smashed the door open with outstretched arms and two bananas in his hands. Ferocious.
“EAT HEALTHY!”
The six mares blinked in confusion as they watched their alien friend point the bananas like they were guns at Celestia, who was backing away in horror.
“Um, is it just me or are you girls confused as well?” Rainbow Dash said out loud. Some of the girls nodded their heads while Pinkie just smiled and waved at the human.
“Hi Anon!” She says with a wave.
The human’s mood seems to take a quick 180 as he looked at the six mares in the room. With a grin, he raises his arms with the bananas still in his hands and gives a come hither gesture.
“Pinkster! Where’s my hug you Deadpool wanna be fuck!”
What almost sounded like a sadistic giggle with a snort, Pinkie took a great leap into Anon’s arms and embraced the human while he did the same for the hyper mare.
“It’s so good to see you again Nonny!” The mare said with a big smile and squeeze. Said smile became a frown as she looked at the human who still held her in his arms.
“You haven’t visited Ponyville yet, what gives mister?”
The human shrugged as he used a hand to scratch the mares head, eliciting a coo of delight from her. “Been busy doing my own thing and I haven’t really gotten the feel for adventure or craziness that your town gets.”
Pinkie gave the human a critical gaze, which did nothing to deter his smile, but still gave it to him anyway. It was only a few seconds that Pinkie held that until she shrugged with smile of her own.
“I guess that’s understandable. But when you get the feel for it, you need to come to Ponyville right away.”
“I’ll be sure to do that Pinkie.” Anon said as he dropped the mare to her hooves. His attention was then brought to a backpedaling Celestia, causing his pupils to shrink. Healthy Anon was back in action.
“Pinkie, I need you to do something for me real quick.”
The pony stood at attention. Like literally, she stood up as straight as she could and gave a mock salute.
“What do you need Anon, Sir!” The party mare answered with a giggle.
Anon reached behind his back and from somewhere -probably the man’s arse- pulled out a basket full of sliced fruits of all kinds.
“I need you to open up your mane.” He said bluntly.
Pinkie gave a surprised gasp as her eyes twinkled with mirth. “Operation ‘Pinkie Gun’?”
Anon nodded eliciting a squeal from the mare as she plopped her rump onto the ground in front of the human and opened her mane like a cap. The human wasted no time as he began dumping the basket’s contents into the abyss that was this mare’s mane causing her to giggle and snort.
“Hehehe, it tickles.”
After dumping the last of the sliced fruits, Anon grabbed Pinkie’s mane and closed it with a click, which was sounded by Pinkie actually saying ‘click’. Picking up the pony, he began shaking her up and down.
“Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, t-t-this is go-o-o-o-oing to be-e-e awe-e-e-so-o-o-o-ome”
Ten seconds Anon had counted until he finally stopped and held Pinkie in his arms like a gun. With one hand supporting both her hind legs and the other holding her chest. Her rump was against his stomach as her head pointed at the sun princess who starred confusingly at the pair.
Silence followed by only for a minute as Anon took a deep breath and aimed the ‘pink gun’ at the princess who flinched in response.
“SAY ‘ELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!”
The princess still stared confusingly at the pair until something whizzed by her head and splattered against the wall at the other end of the throne room. Her eyes widened in shock as Anon caused Pinkie to literally ‘shoot’ sliced fruits from her mane.
“Pew-pew-pew-pew!” Pinkie said with glee.
Celestia gave a yelp as she quickly ran to her throne and dove behind the chair to shield herself from the flying fruits.
Meanwhile, the still partially naked Anon cackled like a mad man as he continued to fire with his Pinkie Gun. Said firing didn’t last long as the pony stared to make clicking sounds.
“Click, click, click.”
Anon brought Pinkie to his face to see that she was smiling at him. He squeezed her hind legs -which was how he fired- causing her to give another click.
The human deadpanned. “Damn, out of ammo.”
The mare only giggled as she booped the silly human’s nose and bounced off towards her friends. He shook his head as his eyes shifted back to Celestia, finding her trying to sneak away from her fruit-splatter throne.
“Where do you think you’re going my sweet?”
Celestia yelped as she tried to make a run but was stopped by Anon actually sliding in front of her with neutral look on his face.
“Good evening.”
Celestia was quick to backpedal as she eyed the human, waiting for him to pounce. When he did nothing, she stole a glance at the six mares who had not moved their spots and continued to watch the pair with slight amusement and confusion.
“My little ponies! Don’t just sit there, help me!”
All six mares eyed each other as they thought about getting caught up in this. Fluttershy looked between her friends and quietly whispered.
“Um, should we help her?”
Her friends turned their gaze on the buttery mare causing her to give a silent ‘eep’ and hide behind her mane. Rainbow Dash looked at the pleading princess and shrugged.
“Well here goes nothing. Hey Anon?”
Anon didn’t move from his position but him shifting his gaze to the cyan mare told her he was listening.
“So uh, you gonna like, stop terrorizing our princess or what?”
Anon was quick to answer.
“Fuck no.”
Rainbow Dash shrugged as she turned to her flabbergasted princess. “Welp, that’s all I got.”
Celestia’s jaw fell as she stared at the bored looking pegasus. Her eyes pleadingly looked to the other mares who all turned away. When her gaze landed on Applejack, the mare shook her head.
“No disrespect princess, but Ah know better than to mess with Anon when he’s like….that.”
Tia whimpered pathetically as Anon began to advance on her.
“Don’t make me do something I’ll regret princess, I’m being real nice about this.” The probably insane Anon said.
Celestia shifter her gaze about, trying to find an escape. When her eyes only landed on the side door behind the human, she sighed.
‘Sorry Lulu, but I cannot let Anon prevail.’
Tia shook off her facade of horror and put on a look of determination. With a burst of magic, she grabbed the one thing that would distract Anon long enough for her to take action.
And that was a purple unicorn who yelped from the sudden golden aura grabbing her and putting her between the human and alicorn. She tucked her forelegs and hind legs to her chest as she looked around worriedly.
“Stand back Anon, or I will be forced to use this.” For emphasis, she shook the unicorn in front of the human causing his gaze to shift to her but only for a second.
“You May have purple smart, but I have THESE!”
Anon quickly grabbed the two bananas he had and pointed them at Celestia. She raised an eyebrow as the human jerked his hands, causing the bananas to peel at his sheer healthiness. With a war cry, he threw the bananas at the princess with great speed.
Only for them to go ‘splat’ into the ground, no more than two feet in front of the human. Anon gave a dejected ‘darn’ as his arms sagged.
With a smirk of victory, Celestia got in a battled stance. “My turn.”
Causing Twilight to yelp again, she point the little unicorn’s horn at Anon who puffed out his chest, ready for the attack. A few tense moments passed as both human and alicorn waited for the attack.
And attack Celestia did.
By throwing Twilight into the air towards Anon, causing the poor mare to scream.
“Catch!”
Without even moving, Anon opened his arms and caught the screaming unicorn in a bride style position. She stopped screaming as Twilight realized she hit something warm, causing her to look into Anon’s green eyes. She blushed as she also remembered that he was only wearing his underwear.
“U-u-um….h-hi A-Anon.” Twilight spoke with a stutter and fallen ears.
Anon only smirked. “Howdy Sparks, you enjoying yourself there?”
That remark only cause the mare to blush harder as she looked elsewhere. Anon chuckled at the flustered mare as his gaze looked at the vacant spot where the alicorn was once standing. A slamming door caused him to turn around and see the entrance from which she escaped.
“Well I’d stay longer but I have an Alicorn to catch, so I’ll see you girls later.” Anon said while putting the still flustered Twilight down. He didn’t wait for any response as he quickly ran through the side doors and after the princess.
The six mares looked around the silent throne room. All gazes turned to Rarity as she cleared her throat.
“So, what do we do now?”
=========================
Celestia panted as she ascended the stairs that lead to her sister’s chambers. Her plan was to wake up her sister and ask her to get rid of Anon until lunch time. Although her sister would probably leave her to demise, heck, she might even go so far as to help the human.
Or she would ask for more of those chocolate things that Luna has come to love. Which wouldn’t be too much if they weren’t that hard to find in Canterlot.
“Stupid….stairs….Luna….we are...so moving your room.” The sun princess panted.
As a matter of fact, our dear princess was so cooped up in her stair walking that when she reached the top, she failed to notice the very human hanging from the ceiling. It was only when he landed on her back that she gave a cry of horror as he hooked his arms around her neck.
“There’s no point in running, give in!”
“Never!” Celestia cried as she thrashed in buck, hoping to shake off the man that was on her back. She tried using her wings to hopefully throw him off but he was quick to use his strong thighs to keep them down. Celestia began to panic as Anon stayed where he was while she began to tire.
Worry seeped its way into her mind as the human slid up her back and put his head next to hers, allowing him to whisper in her flat ears.
“You can’t win Celestia, just give in.”
He was right, she couldn’t win. But she could use one last thing to give her just enough time to get into her sister’s room. She knew it would work because her sister always did it to Anon. At first it was just an accident because of pony instincts but now it was just ammunition for the night princess to use to mess with the man. She didn’t necessarily like doing it herself but now she had no choice.
“Maybe Anon, But to buy myself some time, I can at least do this.” With the last of strength, Celestia bucked her hind legs causing Anon to jerk forward suddenly. He was just far enough she could do what she never though she would do. So with quick speed, Celestia turned her head and put her snout to his cheek.
And gave it a big lick.
Both companies froze as they just marveled at what happened in that moment.
Anon for the fact that Celestia herself just licked him.
Celestia for that fact that his skin tastes really sour. Really sour.
It was actually so sour that she turned away and tried to spit out the horrible taste. When that didn’t work she sucked in her lips with crossed eyes, in hopes that it would go away but again it didn’t work.
With the taste still in her mouth, she turned to Anon with a hard look. “Why the buck does you skin taste so sour!”
Anon didn’t answer right away as he touched his wet cheek with a foreign look on his face. He slowly turned his gaze to the glaring pony he was on top of and answered in a calm tone.
“You just licked me.”
Celestia’s snout scrunched up in annoyance as she eyed the human on her back. “Of course I licked you! Luna does it all the time! But it still begs the question on why your skin is so sour!”
Anon continued to stare at the princess with that foreign look on his face as he rubbed his cheek. The princess’s eyes twitched as the human continued to stare at her without giving an answer.
“I came prepared.”
Celestia blinked as all thoughts of jumping out a window in hopes of squishing the human halted.
“What?”
Anon reached behind him and pulled out a lemon that was cut in half. He squeezed the lemon causing its juices to spray on the floor.
“I came prepared.”
Celestia eyed the lemon with no emotion written on her face. She stood there for what felt like minutes until she gave a long, dejected groan and flopped onto her size with a loud ‘thump’, taking the human with her.
“I give up! I can’t do this no more.” The princess panted tiredly.
She felt the human adjust himself until he was off her back. A hand touched her barrel and turned the princess onto her own back allowing Anon to straddle her.
“So you give up?”
Celestia eyed the human who stared at her expectantly and gave a slow nod. She was too tired from running all over the place to care anymore.
Anon nodded as he scratched the big mare’s chest. “You made the right choice Sunbutt.
Celestia groaned. She would have gave a snarky remark to that name but was too tired to give a buck. And those scratches felt good as well.
“Welp, since I don’t have anymore basket of fruits to pop from my ass, the only thing that I can give you for now is this.”
Sunbutt opened her eyes again to see a completely peeled banana in the human’s grasp, hovering in front of her muzzle. With a sigh she nodded.
“Okay, okay, I’ll eat some of your healthy food. Just let me get up first.”
The nearly naked man shook his head. “Nope, you can just eat it now.”
The princess raised her head to search Anon’s face for any lies or jokes. Finding none she groaned again as her head flopped back down to the floor.
“But I’m too tired to use my magic.”
Anon raised an eyebrow. “Who said you had to use your magic?”
A crack in her eyelids was all Anon got as the princess looked at him. She fully looked at him with a slight blush on her face as she took in their position.
Celestia was on her back, that much was obvious. Her hind legs were somewhat tucked into her body but were halted by Anonymous straddling her midriff, causing them to touch his bare back. Her long forelegs were on his thighs, anchoring him against her as one hand held the banana and his other gave him balance by being on her chest.
Her blush deepened as she looked at the human and quietly answered. “Do we really have to do it like this?”
Anon nodded. He was not going to argue nor will he negotiate. She was stuck. Celestia sighed again as her ears fell. Well, least there wasn't a single pony around.
With another sigh, Celestia mumble some colorful words as she opened her mouth waiting for the edible fruit to enter. Anon put the tip in, allowing Celestia to bit down and chew on the squishy substance.
Anon watched with rapt attention. “How is it?”
Celestia shrugged as she avoided his gaze to save her the embarrassment. “It’s a banana, I’ve had them before Anon.”
She swallowed the substance and looked at the human. “We could have waited until lunch you know. I could have eaten- mmmmph.”
“Shhh,” Anon said while putting the banana back her maw, “talking later, eating now.”
Celestia rolled her eyes as she went to take another bite. She stopped however when she heard a click and the sound of a door opening. With wide eyes she looked to the side to see her sister Luna frozen at the entrance to her door with wide eyes and a red hue on her cheeks.
The sight before the night princess was something quite unexpected. Before her was her sister lying on her back with a blush on her face and a banana in her mouth. Sitting on her midriff was their dear human friend Anonymous who was only in his garments that he called underwear, leaving his legs and chest bare. Both were staring at her, although one was horrified while the other probably didn’t give a damn.
If it were a different situation, Luna would have pounced Anon and do what she always does to mess with him, especially since he has no shirt and also because she got pranked real good by him last week.
But now might be a good time to head back to bed.
“I-I-I’m dreadfully s-sorry dear s-s-sister,” Luna stuttered while frantically backpedaling into her room, “I’ll j-just leave y-you two alone for now.”
And promptly slammed her door closed.
Both parties eyed the door for a few moments to gather on what just happened. Celestia didn’t take long as she spat the banana out of her mouth and eyed the door with dread.
“She’s never going to let us live this down.”
Anon chose to correct that assumption. “Correction, she’s never going to let you live this down.”
That only caused Celestia to groan again.
=========================
Our main protagonist or whatever the fuck he is, is now doing what was explained in the intro/prologue of this one chapter story. Sitting at the dining table with a cup of coffee in his grasp, waiting for others to arrive.
“I still fucking hate mornings.” Mumbled Anon.
Charming.
The sounds of a set of doors opening reach the man’s ears as he turned his head to find both sister entering the dining room. Celestia had a bit more hop in her step, not once looking a bit tired. Luna however was slightly dragging her hooves while mumbling to herself.
“Morning you two.”
“Good morning Anon!” Celestia chirped as she basically flew into her seat. Luna mumble a incoherent morning as she plopped down in her own seat. A servant was quick to get the princess’s orders along with Anon’s.
Conversation wasn’t much except for asking each other about yesterday, what they were doing today, and the like. Including getting Luna in the conversation who only yawned every few seconds.
Finally the food arrived, allowing the occupants to eat what they ordered. Anon removed the cover to his plate and was hit the aroma of waffles with strawberries. When Celestia picked up her cover, it revealed waffles as well but with berries and whip cream instead. Luna had yet to remove her’s as she was still blinking the sleep away.
Meanwhile, Anon couldn’t help but smile at the sun princess. “Glad to see that your eating healthy my friend.”
Celestia nodded as she took a big bite from the floating fork in her magic that she used to cut them. “Yes, it has changed myself quite a bit, even though it’s only been a few days.”
The human shrugged as he cut his food and took a bite. “Must be your alicorn magic or something.”
The two continued to eat their food while Luna finally found the strength to remove her cover. Her plate had nothing on it except for a small bowl. In this bowl were round chocolate balls. Luna seemed to perk up as she licked her lips and took one in her magic. Bringing it to her lips, she took a tentative bite, revealing that these chocolate balls were filled with sweet caramel.
Anon’s eyes twitched.
Celestia looked at her sister with a raised eyebrow as she swallowed another bite of her food. “Sister, that’s not all your going to be having is it?”
Luna popped the rest of the chocolate in her mouth and swallowed. Grabbing another she eyed her sister with a nonchalant look. “Oh come now sister, I haven’t had these in a long time. It’s not like it’s going to hurt me or anything.”
Anon sat his silverware down.
Sunbutt rolled her eyes. “But you don’t normally eat breakfast and the last time you did was three weeks ago.”
Moonbutt then rolled her eyes. “I don’t eat morning breakfast, I eat nighttime breakfast.”
Anon got in position.
Tia raised and eyebrow. “And what does that consist of.”
Luna’s only response was to pop a whole piece of the chocolates into her mouth and chew. She went to grab another but paused when her ears flicked at a sound.
Looking over to the other occupant of the room, Luna yelped as she teleported, barely missing the human that dove at her.
The Princess of The Night reappeared as she warily eyed the spot where she was last sitting. She could have sworn she saw the same look Anon had when they compared the Power Ponies to Spider-Man.
Her assumptions were correct when Anon popped his head over the table, revealing shrinked pupils and a nerve wrecking smile.
Unlike her sister, Luna didn’t use words to dispel the situation.
She ran.
“Oh LunaaaaaAAAAAAA!”
And Anon was quick to give chase out of the door.
Celestia eyed the door with a neutral expression as shouts, cries, and crashes sounded from within the hallways. Suspiciously looking left and right, she used her magic to teleport in a small piece of chocolate cake.
Licking her own lips she went to take a bite until she heard the human’s voice.
“I feel a disturbance in the force.”
Her eyes widened as she looked at the open doors with disbelief. A few silent moments passed until the man’s voice echoed throughout the halls again.
“CELESTIA! DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!”
A pout came upon the white pony’s face as she teleported the cake elsewhere and dropped her head on the table.
“Stupid healthy Anon.”
Author's Note
Decided to write this. Some part of me wanted to do it because I haven’t been up to date with my stories and another part was because it was constantly on my mind.
So here you go.
