All My Friends are Heathens

Eleanor's POV.
It's been a quiet day in SugarCube Corner. Pinkie Pie was in her cellar beneath the bakery, waiting for the next victim to wake up. It had been about a week since I killed my own sister to become delicious cupcakes and different pastries. And it felt good.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang, indicating a customer has entered the café. It was Ditzy.

Derpy Hooves, or as I call her Ditzy Doo, is a young Pegasus mare who is about two years younger than me. Grey fur coat with a near white underbelly and socks. Dark grey hooves and nails. Blonde mane and tail and golden eyes.

She wore a light grey sweater with her bra visible from the shoulders. Beige khaki pants and her Cutie Mark Patch of seven bubbles on the right side of her pants.

What made her different from the other Pegasi that I have met was her walled eyes. Don't think of me as mean. I love her eyes, and she's not as stupid as other Ponies think of her. She's actually very clever.

"Hey, Ditzy." I greeted with a smile, "How can I help you?"

"Hiya, Ellie." Ditzy smiled back, "Have you seen Pinkie? I'd like some muffins for tomorrow's lunch break."

"I'm afraid that Pinkie is occupied in the cellar." I explained with a small frowned, "And we're out of muffins too."

"Oh, that's too bad." Ditzy frowned, then regained her smile, "I guess I can ask Pinkie if she can make some." Then she walked toward the basement door.

I chased after her, "Ditzy, wait!"

However, the moment she opened the door, my hoof caught the rug. I fell into Ditzy and we both fell down the stairs.

"Ow..." I muttered under my breath.

As if by the force of the impact, the basement door closed itself. Well... This is going very well...

"Hi Pinkie!" Ditzy greeted Pinkie happily.

Pinkie Pie turned to see us at the bottom of the stairs. She looked a little nervous, but kept her composure.

"Hey Derpy." The bubble-gum Pony smiled, "Did you need something?"

"You weren't up there so I came looking for you!" Ditzy explained, "I wanted to ask if you could make some muffins!"

Pinkie looked at her next victim, Candy Mane, to see her stirring, "Well, I was planning on making cupcakes today... but..." She paused, thinking.

Like I said before, Ditzy isn't stupid, but she isn't exactly like the other Ponies. Due to her eyes, Ditzy appears to be a bit mentally challenged, but she is very sweet and childlike, nonetheless.

"Derpy..." Pinkie smiled brightly, "Wanna help me make your muffins?"

"Oh yes! Yes!" Ditzy cheered, hopping up and down.

"Okay, but you gotta promise me something." Pinkie told her.

"Anything!" The grey Pegasus replied.

"Don't tell anypony about my secret ingredient."

"What's your secret ingredient?" Ditzy asked in curiosity.

Then, as if on cue, Candy Mane became fully conscious.

Candy Mane is an Earth Pony that lived up to her name. She's Ponyville's local candy maker.

Honey golden coat with buttercream blaze and socks. Short, curly bubble-gum pink mane and tail with raspberry streaks. Matching raspberry eyes.

"W... Where am I...?" Candy Mane asked, dreary from the drugs.

Pinkie Pie led Ditzy to the table, "Well, you see, everypony in Ponyville has a number, and when that number is drawn, I go get the pony."

Candy Mane struggled against her bindings, but was listening to the conversation instead of inquiring about her capture.

"So everypony has your secret ingredient?" Ditzy asked.

"Yes." Pinkie nodded, "But we need to get it out of them first! But baking is fun, so we play a little bit before harvesting!"

"Hey, what's going on?" Candy Mane shouted, getting our attention, "Why am I tied up?" She looked down upon herself and blushed, "Why am I naked? What do you mean harvesting?!"

Pinkie giggled, unable to contain her excitement, "Candy, today is a special day for you!" Ditzy began to giggle with anticipation, excited about this new event, "You're gonna help me and Ditzy make muffins! We were gonna make cupcakes, but Derpy likes muffins better, don't you Derpy?"

"I do! I do!" Ditzy smiled, hopping again.

"How can I help if I'm tied up?" Candy Mane asked with an angry expression.

"Oh, that's the most important part!" Pinkie smiled happily, "We need you to stay still!"

Candy Mane started looking around the room and noticed the party decorations of innards, hides and even our little Rainbow Dash.

"What the hell is going on?!?" Candy screamed loudly, which made Ditzy flinch.

"Pinkie, I don't think she wants to be here." She told Pinkie, a little shaken.

"But Derpy, her number was pulled," Pinkie replied, "We have to. It'll be fun! Trust me! I've been doing this for a long time, and after this we can make your muffins!"

The smile returned to Ditzy's face, "Oh yea! Okay, I'm ready!" said Derpy as Candy Mane began to panic and struggle wildly. "What do we do?"

"Oh, hold on a second." I spoke up.

I quickly made my way to the café, locked the front door and turned the 'Open/Closed' sign to 'Closed'. Then I locked the basement door and put a rune of silence over the door. The rune glowed with a green hue, showing it was activated.
Then I returned to Pinkie and Ditzy. The two mares looked at me with confused looks.

"She's a screamer." I explained.

Pinkie cleared her throat and returned to teaching Ditzy, "Well, I like to save the cutie marks, so..." She pulled a scalpel off of her metal stand that held her tools, "Watch carefully, Derpy."

Ditzy came closer, watching as Pinkie carved a circle around Candy's cutie mark. Candy screamed and cried, trying to break her bindings, but it was no use. Then Pinkie Pie dug the scalpel under the skin to slice the Cutie Mark away from the muscle.

"See?" Pinkie asked, holding up the patch of skin in front of Ditzy.

"Can I do the next one?" The grey Pegasus asked.

"Of course!" Pinkie nodded, delighted, "But be careful not to cut yourself Derpy, and try not to cut the cutie mark. We want it to still be nice and pretty."

Ditzy took the scalpel and held it up to Candy Mane's other flank.

"No, Derpy please, no!" Candy Mane begged, sobbing.

Ditzy shakenly pierced Candy's hide and carved a very messy circle around the mark. It did the job, though. Pinkie and I clapped our hands together, cheering.

"You got your first cutie mark!" Pinkie cheered, "You can keep it if you want!"

"Well done, Ditzy." I clapped.

"Really? No fooling?" Ditzy asked, smiling broadly. She tucked the cutie mark into her pocket for safe keeping, "Now what do we do?"

"Now we have some fun!" Pinkie answered, "We can do anything we want to her. What do you think we should do, Derpy?"

Ditzy thought for a moment, and then gave a great hop, "Can we take away her legs?"

Candy wailed again, trying to call for help as tears ran down her face.

Pinkie Pie smiled with glee, "Yes! That's a great idea!"

Pinkie Pie grabbed her hacksaw, which was still stained with Rainbow Dash's blood.

"Hey Derpy, maybe you can answer this. Why do they call it a hacksaw if it doesn't hack?" Pinkie asked Ditzy.

"Um..." Ditzy started. She looked at me, but I shrugged, "Maybe... maybe you can also hack with it!"

Pinkie laughed, "I never thought of that!" Then handed the saw to her, "Wanna give it a try?"

Ditzy took the hacksaw and skipped closer to Candy Mane.

"Listen, Derpy..." Candy pleaded, "Killing ponies isn't good! It's bad! Please don't hurt me anymore!"

"But we need the special ingredient or else Pinkie Pie's muffins won't be as tasty!" Ditzy chirped.

She leveled the hacksaw right above Candy's left knee, then pulled back her arm, and swung the saw. It broke the skin just a bit, and Candy Mane screamed again.

"Keep trying, Derpy!" Pinkie Pie encouraged.

Ditzy began to hack at Candy's leg violently with all of her strength. Over the Earth pony's screeches, Ditzy was laughing giddily.

"This is fun!" She laughed. However, when she got to the bone, she couldn't hack anymore, "Pinkie Pie, it won't go through!"

"We might have to actually use the saw part now," Pinkie replied.

"Please stop! Please stop!!" Candy Mane bellowed.

Ditzy began sawing through the bone, and Candy Mane's eyes widened, the excruciating pain overwhelming her.

"Oh no," Pinkie gasped, "I think she's about to faint."

Ditzy sawed her way through the bone, and the severed leg lay limp, still strapped to the table. Candy was hyperventilating now.

"Here, let me do the other one." Pinkie offered.

Ditzy handed the hacksaw to Pinkie, and she made quick work of Candy's other leg. She was feeling dizzy, her vision swimming.

"Pinkie, I think she's sleepy." Ditzy noticed.

Pinkie Pie pulled the detached legs from the straps and threw them aside.

"I can fix that!" Pinkie Pie jabbed a needle into Candy Mane and injected a shot of adrenaline into her.

Candy gasped fully awake, breathing hard and continuing to sob.

"Pinkie, please..." She pleaded weakly.

"Derpy, wanna see what an eyeball feels like?" Pinkie asked.

Ditzy nodded excitedly. Pinkie pie took her scalpel again, along with a spoon, and got closer to Candy Mane's face.

Candy begged, "No, please NO!"

With another blood curdling scream, Pinkie used the scalpel cut the membrane holding her eye in her socket. She then took the spoon and carefully scooped out the slimy ball, slicing the optic nerve. She brought the bloody eyeball to Ditzy, who nudged it onto her nose, smiling.

"Ew! It's all gooey!" Ditzy giggled, "Can I play with the other one?"

"No, we want Candy to see everything until she has to go," Pinkie replied.

"Okay!" She dropped the eyeball to the floor, rolling it with her hoof before stomping on it with a cry of joy.

We've added another Pony to the madness, Pinkie.

Pinkie Pie took one of her knives and set it in a pot of burning coal that was heating up some nails.

"We're going to heat this knife up," Pinkie Pie explained to Ditzy, "And then it will be hot enough to make marks on her hide. Do you like drawing, Derpy?"

"Yea! Yea!" Ditzy replied, using her wings to hop very high, then trotted up next to Pinkie.

Candy Mane wasn't screaming or struggling anymore, just simply sobbing, her empty eye-socket spilling blood infused tears. After a few moments, Pinkie Pie handed Ditzy the hot knife.

"Careful, it's hot!" Pinkie warned the Pegasus mare.

"I know exactly what to draw!" Ditzy smiled, and touched the tip of the tool to Candy's chest.

Candy tried screaming, but her voice was hoarse and cracked when she tried to make a sound. Ditzy took her time drawing her masterpiece, and even had to reheat the knife a couple times. When she was done, it was a two pointy ponies. One with curly hair and the other with bat wings.

"Aw, is that us, Ditzy?" I asked.

"Yea!" Ditzy nodded, "Cause you two are my bestest friend!"

Pinkie's lip trembled, and she hugged Ditzy tightly. I joined it into a group hug with tears welling up in my eyes. She really was such a sweet pony.

"Okay Derpy, I know we haven't played for very long, but I bet you want your muffins, huh?" Pinkie asked.

"Yea!" Ditzy replied, as I let the two Ponies go.

Pinkie handed Ditzy the scalpel once more, and then traced a line on Candy Mane's abdomen with her finger, showing where to cut.

"You're going to cut her open, but first I'm going to numb her." Pinkie Pie explained, and she gave Candy another shot of liquid.

After a few minutes, Pinkie gave the okay to Ditzy, who began carefully cutting open Candy Mane's belly. Her hands were shaky, but she bit her tongue with concentration as she tried to keep the scalpel steady. Candy Mane watched in horror. She couldn't feel it, but it made her sick to see he own body being cut open.

"Now what?" Ditzy asked Pinkie.

"Now, start pulling out whatever squishy thing you see and toss it into this bucket!" Pinkie replied, "I usually try to make jokes to entertain our guest, but you can do whatever you want!"

Ditzy smiled and chose an organ. It was Candy's liver. Derpy tugged hard, finally managing to rip it away, then held it up for Candy Mane to see.

"Look, Candy! It's a Lively Liver!" She smiled, and Pinkie and I giggled. Then Ditzy pulled out the kidney, "Kind Kidney loves to go with Lively Liver to her house and play!" She tossed the two organs into the bucket, "But Sad Stomach is very sad because he never gets invited. But it's okay, cause Bad Bladder will go with him to crash the party! Playful Pancreas hears their plan and tries to stop them with the help of Silly Spleen, and they go to warn the others. The Intestine Twins go over too to try and bring peace to them! They don't like fighting. Then Laughing Lungs comes over to see what all the fuss is about! Sad Stomach and Bad Bladder argue with everyone until they get a call from Helpful Heart..." Ditzy grabs the still beating heart, but doesn't pull it out yet, "She says, 'Don't fight! We should all be friends and play nicely together!' And then everyone makes up and has a good time..." She pulled the heart out, and Candy slowly began to fade. "The end!"
Pinkie Pie clapped enthusiastically, "That was great, Derpy!"

"One of the best stories I've ever heard." I clapped.

"Now what?" Ditzy asked.

"Now we gotta skin her and pull her bones apart." Pinkie replied, "It gets a little annoying, but it feels great when we're finally done!"

Together Pinkie, Ditzy and I began cutting up the remains of Candy Mane.

*Later, that afternoon...*
A little while later, Pinkie Pie took the tray of muffins from the oven and set them on the table in front of Ditzy, Apple Bloom and myself.

"Wow, Ms. Pinkie!" Apple Bloom smiled, taking a warm, fluffy muffin. "These look great!"

We started eating the muffins, and Ditzy giggled. They were fluffy, full of flavor and all-in-all delicious.

"How are they, Derpy?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"They are great! Better than any muffin ever!" Ditzy exclaimed, "Can I help you bake more often?"

"Of course!" Pinkie nodded with a smile.

"Just be sure to keep our special ingredient secret," Apple Bloom reminded.

"Okay!" Ditzy nodded, and she helped herself to another muffin.

Welcome to the family, Ditzy.