Chapters Chapter 01 – The Demonstration
The demonstration
Assistance
Charpter 1 – The demonstration
“Come on. Cooome ooon!”
You impatiently stare at the screen of your red device, waiting eagerly for your magicball to catch the lv 45 shiny Ponytu you so deeply want for your collection. Suddenly with a loud crash, two huge doors open violently, the force nearly destroys the metal hinges supporting the wooden doors. You cringe and sigh as the ponymon escapes your magicball and you put your Nitodendo SD on to the armrest of your makeshift throne. You look towards the creature standing at the entrance of your throne room, clearly looking angry for some reason, but it is hard to make out the facial expressions of said creature, since you are still a bit sleepy and you haven’t had your morning coffee yet.
You grab your cup of coffee and slowly empty it as the quadruped pony angrily storms into the room, her, you must admit quite majestic mane, flowing in a non-existent breeze. ’Cause magic. Something out of a bloddy damn childrens-book or freaking Harry Potter. After all these years you are still not sure whether this planet full of talking colourful marshmallow ponies is reality or whether you are in a deep coma, likely spasming around somewhere in an alley with foam dripping from your mouth. But you put these thoughts aside and prepare your ears for the incoming verbal assault.
“King Joseph!”
Princes Celestia yells, whilst looking upwards to the human sitting on his makeshift throne consisting of a TV-chair and several boxes of carton. The bipedal creature on the throne yawns and stretches his arms and legs as he looks down at the white alicorn. Her coat seems darker today and her facial expression is sour.
“Pray tell me WHY you did not respond to my letters, even though my kingdom is at WAR with two highly armed countries?!”
Her voice halls trough the throne room and you rub your eyes while you can feel your migraine slowly creeping up towards your temples again. These ponies always find a way to make your head hurt. Especially this whole magic bullshit. Even though it helps your little kingdom to thrive immensely, the fact that mini horses with horns and wings magic’ stuff around still rapes your brain on a daily basis. You groan and rub your temples as the impatient princess below you waits for an answer. Her coat and mane are unkempt, and her tail is not as shiny as it used to be. This day is clearly not one of her rare days off. You cough, and you give her a smile as you stand up and walk down towards her.
“Why hello, my little princess. Why the sour face and tone? Do you have something on your mind, dear?”
You try to pull a serious face but as you notice no reaction from the pissed princess besides her left eye lid twitching slightly, you laugh and smack your left knee.
“I’m sorry. I am merely jesting as how your sister would say it. And I haven’t replied to your letters because I have no fucking magical dragon to reply your letters like your purple-smart pony has, remember? So, pray tell me what’s going on and why you interrupt my morning routines? Is everything stable over there in Pony-land or what?”
As you look down towards the princess you wait for an answer. She looks with a stoic expression towards your card box throne and then towards you.
“S-stable?” She whispers. “Are you even serious for one second Joseph?! We are at war with the Griffon Empire and the Minotaurs and their armies invaded almost one third of our territory! Our troops are retreating more and more each day, and our military strength is at a crippling state! We need your assistance at once!
“At once, huh?”
You eye her for a while and you can’t help but yawn again, after taking a sip from your coffee.
“Assistance you say? But I already helped you with the changeling incident at Candencys wedding last month.”
“Cadance. Her name is Cadance, Joseph”.
“Ah yes. Cadance. I’m sorry.”
“Anyways. As I said, our relationship with the Equestrian government is quite one-sided. You and your sister only come to me when you want something. I don’t even hear a: “Hey Joseph, how are you on this fine day, mate? Or Hey Joseph, you wanna go to the cinema and check out the new Spider-Mane movie?””
“The only thing I hear is “Help me here Joseph. Help me there Joseph. My Kingdom is getting attacked… Yadda Yadda…””
“Joseph…” She sighs in desperation. “I know I, my Sister and our whole Kingdom already owe you a lot. B-But we need just a little help for your military. M-Maybe just a dozen of your so-called P-90 Weapons. After we have dealt with this issue, we will repay you immediately. I promise!”
Celestia sweats a little and hopes for the goodwill of this strange new King. Six months ago, he was just a lost soul and confused after he suddenly appeared in this world so distant and different from his own. But now, after just after half a year, the sun-goddess stands there, in his throne room, asking for his help so her own kingdom will not perish under the influence of her foes.
“Celestia. I’m sorry but I must inform you that we have stopped the production of said weapon. It is simply old technology and not sufficient anymore. We decided to…”
“NOT SUFFICIENT?!!”
The human cringes again and rubs his temples. Celestia immediately lowers her volume as she noticed her mistake.
“But we were able to push back all changelings with just six of these weapons, Joseph! Just six against 250 Changelings. This weapon is nothing close to insufficient.”
The human yawns again and strolls around his unfurnished and improvised throne room.
“Yes, that’s true. But as I said, I decided that it is not sufficient anymore. It is merely a crude toy by today’s standards, dear. I’m sorry. I really am.”
Celestia just stands there staring at the human in disbelief. She will get no help. First Zebrica, then the dragons and now the only Human known to this planet and his kingdom. Her legs shake slightly as she realizes that this might be the end and that she probably needs to consider surrender and accept whatever horrible terms of surrender the griffons and minotaurs put on her already heavily damaged country.
“I… I see…”
“But…”, the human continues:” I can’t let down cute ponies princesses asking for my help,
The princess blushes a bit, Joseph smirks and then laughs while smacking his knee.
“Gosh, you are quite something Sun-Butt. Now come here so I can show you something.”
The human sits on a couch, which is faced towards a big array of windows which allow observers to admire the vast distance of the Badlands in which the human’s country can be found. The Princess sits next to the human and waits patiently, trying to put on her best behaviour so her chances of getting help increases just oh so slightly. The human nods and smiles. He then takes a rectangular device from his pocket, presses a button on its screen and then speaks into it.
“Oppenhooves. I need you here in the throne room. I have a guest over and I want to show her what we came up with since we met last time.”
The human puts the device back into his pocket, turns to his guest and pulls out two cups and a steaming pot.
“Tea? Some birdy told me you like Earl-Grey with two sugar cubes.”
The princess simply nods and waits patiently as he puts two sugar cubes into both cups and oh so slowly fills both cups to the top. Sweat pearls down the Princesses neck as she stares at the cups being filled. To her, it feels like hours until they are full.
With a loud thud the doors open again and a grey coated earth-pony stallion with brown mane trots into the room with a device in his left hoof.
“You requested my presence King Joseph?”
“Ahh, you are here, splendid. And yes. I simply wanted to show my guest our newest accomplishments. Do you have the goggles here?”
The princess eyes the human and his scientist curiously as the stallion hands two pairs of goggles towards her and his King. The human and his scientist both immediately put their goggles on and Oppenhooves hoofs a device with a red button in his hoof towards his King.
“Now Princess. I want you to put up a shield right in front of my Castle. About 50 Meters high and 200 Meters wide. Can you do that for me?”
“Why would I need to put up a Shield there?”
“Do you want my assistance in your little crisis back in pony land now or not?”
The human eyes his guest sternly while stirring his tea with his spoon without making any sounds. He waits a few seconds. When he gets no immediate answer, he simply sips on his tea and waits. A few more seconds pass.
“Very well.”
The Princesses horn shines in a golden hue and a golden but transparent magic shield appears in front of the castle.
“Thank you. Now Oppenhooves, to which device are we connected right now? Our newest creation I hope?
“Yes. The remote is connected with our 10 Kiloton device called “dawn”, Sir. It is located 3 Kilometers away from the Castle, Sir. But once again, considering the yield the relatively close distance we should reconsider…”
You quickly interrupt him with a raised hand.
“Thanks for your service. You can remain here Oppenhooves.”
Your assistant and top scientist nods and you hand over the device in Celestia’s right hoof. The princess curiously takes off the protective plastic cap over the button. After a friendly reminder, the princess puts on her googles and then, once again, eyes the red button with care. She looks up towards the shield she casted in front of the castle, protecting it from whatever might appear or happen when the red button is pressed.
“What is this “Kiloton” your scientist mentioned?”
Your scientist and assistant steps up.
“The Kiloton is a unit that describes the yield in our devices, Mam. I shall not bore you with any details on how we calculate it, Mam.”
The human nods after his assistant explained it vaguely and then takes another sip of his tea.
“Now Celestia. How about you press our little red button right here?”
She slowly and gently puts her white hoof on the button and swallows empty. Several weeks of war with the griffons and minotaur’s flash by her eyes as she closes them. Everything just over a silly incident including her, accidently slipping on a freshly cleaned marble floor and smashing a cake right into the griffon emperor’s face in front all his citizens. The minotaur’s did not think about it for a second when the emperor promised them 10 tons of gold if they helped them invading Equestria. Everything just because of a damn cake. And Celestia could not even enjoy one single slice of said cake, or any other cake since that incident. Anger swells up inside her and she quickly glances towards the human on her right side who simply stares into the depths of the wastelands while sipping on his tea and munching a cracker. With determination she presses her hoof firmly against the button and turns her gaze towards the far distance in front of her.
It feels like the princesses’ sun just tripled its intensity and shines with all its might into the pupils of her eyes. She closes her eyes in pain but opens them quickly again. A huge fireball appeared about 3 kilometers down the wasteland, which quickly grows bigger and bigger. Distant palm trees instantly ignite from the thermal radiation and snap in half like tooth-pricks as the shockwave reaches them. The princess gawks in awe at what this insane human and his scientists developed, while a huge burning mushroom cloud soars into the blue sky. The only sound heard in the throne room is the human sipping his tea while the shockwave travels closer and closer to the observers sitting behind the shield and the castle windows.
Celestia’s pulse increases and she is even able to hear her own heartbeat. A sound she heard only about a thousand years ago when she had to battle her own sister. This thought and the fact that the shockwave impacts her shield, cracking it heavily and ultimately destroying, it while the shockwave fills the throne room with an ear-piercing thunder, sends chills down her spine. The human sitting next to her winces in pain and rubs his ears, while putting down his cup on the saucer and taking off his googles. He has a huge grin on his face as he stares at the magical barrier that took most of the shockwaves impact but in the end broke due to the immense forces. The huge plexiglass windows, behind which the humans and the alicorn sit, wobble back and forth heavily, almost breaking due to the sudden change in air pressure.
“Gosh! What a sound! I’m damn impressed Oppenhooves! Fuck Yeaa!”
The human starts to laugh very intensely. His laugh could be mistaken with a maniac’s, locked deep down in a psychic clinic, if he had not chocked on his cracker and would not be getting pats on his back by his assistant, so he won’t choke to his death.
The princess gulps once again and stares down the now even more barren waste land. She could not imagine the harsh desert looking any more lifeless than it already was just a minute ago…
Author's Note
Here we go. My first piece of text on this website...
Also, if you see and spelling or grammar mistakes. Notify me <3
Cheers.
Chapter 02 – Negotiations
Negotiations
Assistance
Charpter 2 – Negotiations
“So… Princess? Is it lit or not?" The human exclaims with pride in his low voice.
Celestia is in deep thought. Since these mystical anomalies decided to appear randomly all over Equestria about 6 months ago, her country had to face many hardships. First, there are many sightings of strange creatures the princess has never seen or heard about in her long life. And second, there is the fact that said anomalies somehow drain the magic out of the environment. Not at a fast pace, but her being an alicorn, she can sense it and it feels like her sun gets heavier and more immobile each day when she raises and lowers it.
These circumstances and the fact that her nation is at war, drives her usually always so calm and collected senses to a state of desperation.
"Quite a tough crowd huh? So… you think it’s not that impressive? I uuhhh... We could increase the yield if we raise our production in highly enriched ponium-356 isotopes. But that takes quite a while aaaand yeaa… I dunno..." The human exclaims while scratching his head, a bit disappointed since the white pony princess isn't sharing his enthusiasm about the demonstration.
"No, it is not that. I am just a little pensive, excuse me. I have never seen something like this in all my long live. I could not even make out one single bit of magic energy. It just seems like it’s impossible, yet I saw it with my own eyes. In addition to that, I wonder why you would develop such a destructive weapon in the first place."
"Well princess. I just got bored and thought why not experiment a little and have some fun in this boring barren wasteland. No honestly, this weapon is merely reassurance for my mind. Because I tend to get jumpy when I get transported into a crazy-acid-trip-dimension , where cute mini horses with wings and horns control the fucking celestial bodies, Celestia!
The human clears his throat again and lowers his volume.
“But, in addition to that it seems like the demand for such a device is quite high at the present time. It could turn out to be quite a business model. Sooooo, I wonder what you could offer me, Sunny."
"What are your demands for one, Human?" The princess spat, clearly annoyed by the way she is being addressed.
The human grabs a nearby scroll, opens it and clears his throat.
“In exchange for one "Dawn" devices with a yield of approximately 10 Kiloton I, King Joseph W. Wecksell the first, set the following demands:
Demand number 1: The princess of the sun will, with her magic and sorcery, arrange monthly thunderstorms in my kingdom, so this utter boring wasteland turns into a garden or something.
Demand number 2: It is expected, that Princess Celestia herself, delivers one cake per week directly into my quarters in my castle.
Demand number 3: Cake delivery is to be executed on Saturday morning at 9 am. If the cake delivery is 10 minutes to late, a punishment shall be initiated."
Joseph puts the scroll onto the table, places a pen next to it and leans back, crossing his legs while taking another sip from his tea. The princesses eye lid twitches again and she tries to hold her composure together, trying her hardest not to cry or laugh at these demands. In all her life, she has never heard something as ridiculous and humiliating as this.
“King Joseph. Please be sincere with me. This is nothing we should joke about. The crown of Equestria could offer you a onetime payment of 500’000 Equestrian bits. When this issue has been dealt with, we will arrange another payment of 500’000 Equestrian bits.”
The human leans forward, eyeing his guest with a harsh glance, clearly not satisfied with such a response.
“You think our demands are a joke, Princess?”
“I… uhm.” The princess stammers for the first time in a while and wipes a pearl of sweat from her forehead. “I didn’t mean to insult you King Joseph. I simply never heard such … let’s say unconventional demands.”
“Unconventional.” The human pauses for a while. I see.”
“Since I am not being taken seriously in my own throne room, I think it’s for the best that you leave my castle at once. I expected better of you Princess. Maybe the Griffons will be more understanding of my demands.”
With a saddened sigh the human puts his cup on the saucer and stands up, walking close to the plexiglass window and stares into his still burning wasteland, waiting for his guest to leave. After a while, he turns around and raises his eyebrows since the now unwelcome guest is still sitting on his couch, holding a hoof on her chest.
“King Joseph, please accept my most sincere apologies. I never had the intent to insult you. I would be honoured to fulfil your demands in exchange for one of your “Dawn” devices. In these difficult times I tend to forget my manners, please forgive me.”
The princess lowers her hoof, which he held to her chest, onto the marble floor while smiling towards the human in a friendly and sincere way. Joseph wants to be angry with her, but as she starts looking up towards him with those big, magenta and puppy-like eyes, he cringes as his heart aches. -I’m getting a call? Ah, cuteness-overload resulting in diabetes? I see… Thanks for letting me know, body.-
“Gosh. How could I not believe such a cute little pony? I would be a monster, right?” The human declares, while the big mushroom cloud darkens the sky behind his back as he speaks towards her.
The quadruped princess springs into the air and smiles happily, a faint blush on her white cheeks.
“Splendid! I am so happy that we could strengthen our relationship with the human empire in these dark times. You really are a true friend Joseph. I look forward in our relationship and wish the best to you and your empire.”
The human blushes a bit, taken back by the sudden change in mood. “Yea yea thanks. I’m just too generous, I know. Hehe.”
“So, Celestia. I sincerely hope, that with my help you can overcome your little crisis back in pony-land.” The human speaks while ponies, griffons and other mercenaries from all over the world load the nuke into the royal carriage. “But don’t forget about our little agreements okay?”
“I would never do such a thing, Joseph. I am a mare of honor. Speaking of honor, you are invited to the royal castle for dinner this evening. I would be delighted if you accept the invitation, Joseph.”
“Sure. It’s not like I have anything better to do. Oppenhooves can run this place so I’m good. And eating something else than potatoes and water would suit me well. Trust me, it’s a pain in the ass to grow shit here.”
“Splendid! Then let’s go” The Princess exclaims happily, a bit too happily for the human’s taste, concerning the situation she is in…
The human lazily sits in the carriage, facing the solar princess while playing around with a toothpick in his mouth, completely ignoring the fact that the explosive payload in the carriages trunk makes noise after noise as it is not secured properly. Despite this casual behaviour, he firmly has one hand locked around a metal railing, trying his best to not look outside the carriage. He notices his companion staring at his hand and then looking into his eyes with a smirk.
“What? Can I not be afraid of heights?”
Celestia rolls her eyes, her mane waving behind her in the wind as the two so different creatures soar over the ponium mines using Celestia’s royal carriage. “Excuse me. I did not mean to stare or imply that you are 'not allowed to be afraid of heights'. It’s just wondered whether all humans are like you.”
“You mean as good-looking, humble and droll as I am?” The human winks and grins.
The princess giggles and puts a hoof in front of her muzzle.
“I actually meant your serenity and they way you handle all this. Six months ago, you appeared here out of thin air. You were scared, confused and hurt. But now. Now you have your own castle, your own country and possess weapons any military officer would not even dare dreaming about. It is not an everyday sight to behold, you see.”
“Ah. It seems like I have made quite the impression on somepony, have I?” The human grins and chuckles as he sees the solar princess giggling. “But, to be honest, I am still unsure whether I’m still on Earth in a deep coma, or half dead in an alleyway, while dreaming all this crazy shit here. It’s the most plausible explanation in my opinion tho’. But instead of crying and bitching around about it, I am doing what I’m the best at.
“Like inventing horrible weapons of mass destruction?”
“Hey! You’re the one here who plans to drop a fucking nuke in the battlefield, you crazy horse!
“Joseph! It is not in in our intention to harm…”
With a sudden jolt the carriage loses altitude, quickly dropping below 3000 meters. Joseph gasps and clings tightly onto the railing as the carriage rumbles and violently shakes back and forth as it falls towards Equs. The human gulps in fear as he sees the trunk suddenly to be open, the 500 Kilogram bomb on the edge of falling out.
“THE fuck is going ooonn?! Are you insane? Fucking fix your bloody flying magic box!”
“The magic must be getting drained out of it somehow.! It’s as an anomaly is about to form right here!” The princess shouts with worry written all over her face, her wings flared out wide.
The princess tries to stabilize the carriage, but the ground is getting closer and closer. You both stare at the empty trunk and your pupils shrink to the size of small needle heads. Celestia immediately lifts you onto her back with her magic.
“Hold on tight!”
With a strong kick she leaps out of the carriage and dives after the falling bomb with the human on her back who is clearly not happy about the situation. Tears form on the edge of his eyes, the strong winds clearly too much for him.
Joseph smacks the princess repeatedly on her withers: “WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU CRAZY FUCKING HORSEEE!!!!.USE YOUR HORN! USE YOUR FREEKKING’ HORN!!!”
As the nuclear warhead plummets down towards the rocky desert, the Princess grabs hold onto the bomb with her magic, engulfing it in her golden hue. She shuts her eyes and clenches her teeth together while trying her best to slow its descent. With all of her might she manages to slow it down, but the ground is already closer than 500 meters, her magic, she thought not possible, almost fully drained. It felt like her life essence was being stolen from her own body, by an unknown foe. The human on her back would likely be spasming around in fear, were it not for the fact that he needs to cling onto her neck for his dear life.
‘’YOU CRAZY MINATURE HORSEE! “TP” US OUTTA HERE IMMEDIATELY!! USE YOUR TELEPORT! USE YOUR TELEPORT RIGHT FUCKING NOWW!’’
The human yells into her ears and clings onto her neck and mane as if his life depends on it. Well it actually does in this situation. He hears the sound of teleportation magic and suddenly finds himself still on the princesses back, while hovering in place above the rocky desert.
“Don’t worry, my little human. I’m quite experienced in teleportation, so we should be quite far away from the danger zone.”
“Y..You sure?” Celestia feels the human on her back trembling in fear as he points into the Sky. About 250 Meters away the bomb is still falling, making a high-pitched noise as the air travels through its stabilizing fins.
-How is this possible? With the amount of magic I put into the spell we should have been teleported way farther-
Celestia channels energy into her horn to initiate another teleport, but sparks fly from her horn and she finds herself unable to perform this most basic spell. With a worried expression she gallops away towards the direction of the nearby forest. With a powerful leap she soars into the air and pushes herself and her payload forward with powerful wing strokes. She feels her magic to strengthen again as she gets further away from the desert and quickly casts a bubble around her, lowering the air resistance somehow so she can gain more speed. Trees and boulders zip by as she doges and weaves trough the forest at an amazing speed. Joseph hears his own pulse beating rapidly in his ears and he can almost make out an even faster pounding pulse on the princesses neck as he clings onto her, fearing for his beloved life.
The bomb connects with the rocky desert ground and suddenly everything shines in a blinding light, as the forest gets illuminated from behind so unbelievingly intense, the "dawn device" clearly holding up to its name. Joseph digs his fingers into her fur and smacks her on her left side, while screaming in rage and fear.
“AAHHHHH!!! FLY FUCKING FASTER OR WE WILL BOTH BE TOAST YOU INSANE HORSE! IM FUCKING 22 AND NOT READY TO DIE UNLIKE YOU OLD HAG!!!”
All trees in the forest are immediately engulfed in fire as the trees get bombarded with thermal radiation. The magic shield, protecting you both from the immense heat cracks and the temperature inside the bubble immediately raises to a very uncomfortable level while the shockwave creeps up the two of you, coming closer and closer, destroying all trees standing in its path as if they were mere drinking straws.
Joseph shuts his eyes and sees his life flashing by. He had plans. Simple plans but plans nonetheless. He only wanted a normal life on earth. Friends, a chill job at the local nuclear power plant, time for fun hobbies and maybe a girlfriend. But apparently, he was not allowed to. Some edgy anomaly decided to appear right inside his bloody fridge. He was not even allowed to enjoy a glass of milk in the morning as he was being sucked right inside the fridge, only to reappear in a weird forest, all contents of his beloved fridge falling onto his already battered body.
And now he is riding a pony princesses back while trying not get toasted by 10 Kilotons of explosives going off behind him.
-We are fucked.-
The sound of teleportation magic and the fact that the incoming shockwave almost destroys his eardrums interrupt his thoughts. Everything goes to black.
Author's Note
The dawn device would be similar to this explosion. Maybe a little smaller but similar.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qT4mSoZsbzM
Gimme your honest feedbacks again. You can also make suggestions for future charpters as well :P
Charpter 3 might take a while. University decided to overload its students with a shitton of work. Have to deal with that over the following days :/
Me right now:
Cheers and have a great day.
Chapter 03 – Silvery Claws
Silvery claws
Assistance
Chapter 3 – Silvery claws
The Griffon emperor grins as a female servant feeds him fresh grapes. Things are looking good for him, very good. The Griffon army could take over several smaller villages and a few small cities without many casualties. And just yesterday, they were able to overwhelm the defensive military forces in Baltimare, making this the first big equestrian city in control of the Griffon empire. Things are almost going to well. On top of that, these weird anomalies seem to weaken the ponies magical abilities. His scout squads and spies informed him about that matter and since the griffons could invade Baltimare so easily, there surely must be some truth behind it. Because under no circumstances would the Equestrian princesses just hoof over this important city without a proper fight.
One thing bugs the emperor though. His spies informed him about a weird bipedal creature. It was spotted in the Badlands, apparently living in a castle of his own. The worst part is, that Princess Celestia herself was spotted visiting said creature. Now, it is hard to believe for the emperor, but according to his spy’s, there was a blinding light spotted in the Badlands right when the princess was visiting this strange bipedal creature. It was brighter than the sun itself and wiped the desert clean of its vegetation. Albeit vegetation not really existing there to a bigger degree, said event was apparently still extremely powerful.
The emperor grabs another grape from his servant’s claw and swallows it without even considering chewing. He turns his gaze towards a big gryphon standing next to the emperor’s side, wearing a stoic expression on his face. He has a big scar right under his left eye and his frame was very muscular and wide. The rough and strong look is completed with his sharp claws, looking like metal blades from the distance.
“Silverclaw.” The emperor addressed the bulky gryphon next to him.
“Yes, my lord?” The strong gryphon answers immediately, loyalty embedded deep in his low voice.
“This ape-creature. You must deal with it. Under no circumstances can we allow that Celestia gains any military strength due to any potential alliances, is that understood?
Silverclaw nods, a small grin forming as he looks down towards his sharp claws. He’s going have some fun with them soon. Something he’s going to look forward doing again. His grin grows wider.
“Of course. Consider it done by tomorrow, my lord.”
Silverclaw opens the balcony doors and leaps into the sky with his strong wings, his claws shining in the golden sunlight as he heads towards the Badlands.
Joseph’s head feels like it went through a blender, hell and back as he opens his eyes and tries to get up. He is unable to move. A heavy but soft white object is pinning him against the forest ground.
“The fuck happened ughh…”
He rubs his eyes and notices the white alicorn directly on his chest, knocked out with a sore bulge on her head, right next where her horn starts. She snores silently and drools over the human’s face while muttering something in her sleep about a fiery bird stealing her precious slices of cake.
“Eww! Bloody disgusting!Why does shit like that always happen to me?”
The human struggles and tries to shove the mare off his body. Quite a task when you are simply too exhausted. The struggling mess below the princesses’ body finally wakes the mare up. Celestia holds a hoof onto her sore head and groans.
“By Luna’s moon. Where am I?”
Celestia opens her eyes and immediately gets greeted by a grumpy human face, covered in slimy saliva. Her saliva. Celestia’s eyes widen as she recalls what happened and she springs immediately to her hooves, an embarrassed and worried expression on her muzzle.
“Oh, dear! I’m so sorry Joseph.” Celestia looks to the left and right and notices the human’s backpack laying on the forest ground. Its contents sprayed all over the place. She sees a towel, which Joseph must have kept in his backpack, laying in the forest leaves. She quickly grabs hold of it and uses it to clean off the mess she produced on the human’s grumpy visage.
"Please excuse me. This should never had happened. I don’t know why but somehow my magic got drained and I couldn’t teleport properly. It m-must have been due to an anomaly nearby!" Celestia didn’t even notice herself stuttering a little and just trotted in place as she explained herself.
Finally looking down again, she offers a hoof towards the sore human laying on the leafy ground. He grasps it and pulls himself onto his feet, using his hands to dust off his now dirty and torn clothes. Joseph then wipes the remaining saliva from his chin with the back of his left hand.
“Let’s just not talk about it okay?” Celestia nods and smiles a little sheepishly.
"Okay. Let’s evaluate our situation. We flew with your sorcery-carriage. Dropped the nuke. It exploded and almost roasted us alive. Aaaand we teleported right into a forest with no clue where we are. Great! Just Great!”
Joseph walks in a circle and groans in annoyance. “For fucks sake, I can feel my migraine creeping up on me again…” He then squats down and holds his head in his palms.
Celestia steps forward and holds a hoof on Josephs shoulder. He looks up to her, eying her now smudgy coat and dirty wings. Leaves and smaller twigs are tangled inside her now less wavy mane.
“Joseph, the worst thing we could do in this situation is panic. You should relax.” Celestia exclaims in a relaxed and gentle tone. "Besides, you should be thankful for this 'old hag' who saved your sorry flank."
Joseph, after swearing a little to himself, finally calms down and agrees. Celestia opens her dirty wings and flies into the air where she hovers in place and looks out for her castle. She spots it in the far distance and soars back towards the human, informing him about which direction they should hike towards. The pair walks through the forest, not talking much while Joseph plays around with a damaged compass, apparently not fully trusting his alicorn companion. Understandable, if we take into consideration what just happened with her magic carriage just an hour ago.
After a while the pair reaches a cobblestone path and the humans mood raises tremendously as he notices an inn in the far distance.
“I’m off. See ya’ Princess!”
He speeds towards the direction of said inn and smiles in content as he admires the western style Saloon. He walks through the entrance doors without a care and strolls towards the bar, completely ignoring all the stares he gets from all ponies sitting inside. The country music abruptly stopped as he reached the bar and waits for someone to take in his order. He looks to the left and right and immediately notices that several ponies, especially mares, stare at him.
A middle-aged female pony trots up to the counter and raises her eyebrows at the strange creature in front of her.
“Well hello there. What can I get for ya’ exotic stallion?” She says with a western accent while leaning against the counter, rubbing a beer-glass with a white towel.
Joseph chokes a little on a bit of spit and narrows his eyes. It is true though. In this would he could be considered exotic. But hearing this from pink and winged pony is weird. Like really weird.
“Just a pint of beer please. I’m on transit and…”
The human feels a nudge on his side and notices a black pony with bat wings staring up towards him, while licking her fangs. The human raises his eyebrows high as his brain realizes a mix breed between a pony and a bat stares at him in a sultry way. He prays to all gods listening, hoping that he will get his beverage immediately, so he can leave this weird inn as soon as possible.
“Uhm. Yes?” The human asks, tilting his head slightly to show his annoyed state.
“How about we both take some drinks and rent one of these rooms over there? You seem like an exotic stallion and I’m in need for some fun. I won’t accept a no anyways, so you better behave.”
Josephs brain felt like it just got soaked in vodka lit on fire. A pony-bat-creature, reaching half of his height, asks him out to do weird, kinky and non-consensual bat-sex. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out, clearly not able to think properly anymore. He just wanted to get a bloody pint of bear for fucks sake. But apparently, once again, he was not allowed to enjoy the simplest things in life.
“Leave him in peace at once!“ A familiar, feminine but strong voice halls trough the inn.
All eyes suddenly are turned towards the entrance. All but the bat pony’s. She just sighs and grins at the human in front of her who is still trying to supress the fact that this is just happening.
“And pray tell why I should even listen to you hmm?” the bat pony exclaims a little reluctant, still grinning at her prey in front of her.
Joseph turns towards the direction where the voice came from and sees an angry Celestia walking towards the bar. She has aa fiery look in her eyes and her dirty wings are flared, almost knocking down some glasses as she walks past the tables, but no one dares saying anything about it. The bat pony finally looks at who dares challenging her. Her pupils shrink at an instant.
“Because If I were you, I would be more reconsidering of what escapes my muzzle. Because if you won’t, I will torch your house down to its mere foundations with you inside, is that understood?!” Celestia’s eyes seem like they could pierce trough metal and her waving mane and tail could be mistaken for a raging fire.
All muzzles in the inn hit the floor at what just happened while the bat pony whimpers in fear, her tail between her legs.
“I-I I’m sorry Princess! I-I-I It won’t happen again.”she whimpers some more, and her voice gets very quiet, filled with fear. “P-Please don’t send me to the moon…”
Celestia huffs and nods. “I’ll think about it. King Joseph, let’s go. I don’t want to be late for dinner at the palace.”
“Uhm, s-sure Celestia. Whatever you say.”
Joseph grabs the pint, puts a few bits on the counter and throws an apologetic smile into the crowd of ponies. “Seems like I am needed somewhere else. See ya’ peeps!” He quickly exits the inn and sees Celestia in the distance walking away. Apparently, she did not see the need to wait for him, so he jogs after her.
“Celestia, wait!” He reaches her and tries to get her attention, which he fails to do as she just continues walking her gaze locked forward into the distance.
“The fuck just happened back there. I mean I appreciate it and all, but seriously? That poor thing was terrified and probably shit her pants if she would wear any.”
Celestia stops walking and looks up to him, her facial expressions difficult to read since she trained her poker face over the last two millennials quite well.
“’Poor thing’ you say? Joseph, may you tell me how the gender roles exactly work where you are from?
“Uhm well. Males or females are not superior to the other gender. At least that’s how it is where I am from. Why you ask, Princess?”
“Celestia sighs and runs a hoof through her flowy mane.”
“Sadly, things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows in Equestria. Many societies on our small planet still believe in a gender role, which places the female above the male. Males still face many hardships and just recently got their proper rights. Stallions and Mares are by law equal now, but not all mares see this law as a necessity. In addition to that, there is the 1 stallion to 3 mare birth ratio, which makes it even harder for stallions to step up for themselves.”
“Wait. Are you saying that this creepy, barely one-meter tall bitch, wasn’t joking and actually wanted to fucking rape me?!” The human almost shouts in disbelief.
Celestia looks towards the cobblestone road under her hoofs and nods sadly.
“I can’t be one hundred percent sure of course, but it seems like that would have been the case.”
"Seeshh… That’s bloody fucked up!” He looks over to Celestia and notices her shamefully looking at the ground. “Well, we should have shoved the nuke down her throat instead of dropping it over the desert, now shouldn’t we?"
The human grins and ruffles the princesses’ wavy mane while chuckling. Celestia tries to hide her smile and smacks Joseph's hand from her head with a whip of her horn.
“Joseph! This is a most important matter and should not be joked about.”
Joseph quickly pulls his hand back and laughs. "Owww. Hey that hurt! Watch out where you swing that pointy horn of yours!” Celestia just rolls her eyes and the two continue to walk along the path again.
After a long trek and a train ride, the pair finally arrives at Canterlot Castle where Celestia gets greeted with a lovely verbal assault as the two enter the dining halls.
"Celestia! What took thee so long?! Our troops spotted an immense explosion in the Badlands! We..."
Princess Luna immediately stops talking when she realizes what state her sister and the weird human king are in. Celestia’s coat is covered in brown smudges and the tip of her horn is scorched as if someone held a candle under it while she slept. King Joseph is looking even worse. His face and arms are bruised, and his clothes torn in a few places. The look is finished with exhausted expressions on her sisters’ muzzle and Josephs face.
"What on Equs happened to thee, sister? Did the gryphons attack thou? Did thou slip on freshly wiped marble floor again?
She eyes the two carefully. If the lunar princess is concerned about her sister’s companion, she is hiding it quite well.
"Language Luna" Celestia ignores her questions, walks towards the couch and lets herself fall onto it, leaving no room for the human behind her. He mutters something about a certain alicorn having too much cake and then falls to his knees, where he embraces the feel of the soft and comfy carpet. It is the perfect substitution for a bed. Something he really needs right now.
The human rolls onto his back and stretches his arms and legs, laying there onto the floor like a half-butchered sea star.
"Princess Luna. I'll give you the short version."
The human sighs and then takes in a deep breath before answering quickly.
"Celestia asked for help. I demonstrated how my help would look like with a huge bloody bomb. She thought it was lit and bought one. Afterwards she dropped it from her flying carriage and BOOOM. 10'000 Tons worth of TNT blow up on our asses, almost killing us. She teleported us out right before we could be vaporized though. Cheers on that.” The human underlines his story with a thumb up towards the lunar princess as he stares towards the castle ceiling.
Luna stares towards Celestia, not sure whether this is a bad joke or not. Reports informed her about the explosion in the Badlands near the whitetail woods. Apparently, the fireball was more than two hundred meters in diameter. Simply impossible, the lunar Princess thought to herself. As if this weak and crude human could unleash the power of such magnitude. On top of that she tends not to trust strange creatures who appear out of nowhere and claim unassigned territory. Unassigned territory in the Badlands. He surely must be up to no good.
When Celestia looks up at her sister she can only give her a sheepish, halfway apologetic smile before she closes her eyes and collapses on the comfy couch.
“S-Sister!” Luna trots towards the couch and nearly treads on the human laying on the carpet in front of it. She grabs Celestia’s flank and shoulder and shakes her back and forth. “How can you fall asleep when Baltimare is in the claws of the Griffon emperor! Have the senses taken leave of thee?!”
Celestia just groans and rubs her sore head. "Let me take a quick bath and then we will discuss our plans with some tea and cake. I really need some cake right now."
Author's Note
this charpter was brought to you by...
Make sure you eat cake on a daily basis. cheers.
Actually, don't do that. Eating severe amounts of cake can lead to hearth problems and trombosis inside your veins. Contact your local doctor for further information. Cheers
Chapter 04 – A Royal Meeting
A royal meeting
Assistance
Chapter 4 – A royal meeting
Princess Luna is in her sister’s personal meeting-room, walking in circles while blowing a few strains of her mane away from her face. He sister sits on a big, velvet silk-sofa, a worried expression on her muzzle.
“Celestia, what has gotten into thou? How can we trust this monkey creature with these serious matters?”
“Luna, the Griffons and Minotaurs were able to overwhelm our defences in Baltimare. Our second most heavily armed City! And we barely have any alliances. Everyone except the Yak’s from Yak-Yakistan turned down their help. I had no other choice but to ask for his help, sister.”
“B-But he is merely a disrespectful fool. Do you really think this fireball in the Badlands was this creatures work? He has no magical abilities and is weak. Simply a burden in the battlefield. Besides, he could be a spy and traitor!”
Celestia just stares out the window of the balcony doors and sighs. Her coat and feathers are clean again and shine in a radiant white. Could she really trust this odd creature who just appeared out of thin air? What if he is indeed allied with the Griffons and is just here to strike at the right moment. He would just need one of these ‘Dawn-devices’ inside Canterlot and he would be able to trigger it with one of those remote controls from a safe distance. Pictures of a destroyed Canterlot, burning and laying in ashes flash by inside her head. Her spine tingles and she shudders at this horrible thought.
Joseph is a weird and somehow funny creature indeed, but he could be considered quite rude and disrespectful. The nobles would demand his head if they knew how he treated the royal princesses. But, if he really were a spy, could he be so cold hearted to kill thousands of innocent ponies?
A gentle knock is heard on the double doors. Celestia steps down from the sofa and trots towards the doors. She opens it with her magic and smiles at her important guest. Her genuine smile turns into a nervous one as sees the human looking towards her with a silly smile on his face.
“Hello King Joseph. Thanks for finally arriving. We have much to discuss.”
“Sure. And sorry for being a little late. I made a quick detour over to the royal cuisine. Their pastries are bloody great!” Celestia’s ears perk up a little as she heard that, reminding herself that she had no pastries in months. Months! She quickly turns around and heads towards the big marble table in the middle of the room. The princesses take seat on one side of the table, the human sits down on the other side, facing them.
“Princesses, good news! I just called my scientists and they informed me that they could produce another dawn device with the remaining enriched ponium-356. They were even able to increase the yield to about 15 Kilotons. According to Oppenhoove’s calculations that is.”
“Splendid!” Celestia replies. “But we have a problem, King Joseph. I and my sister do not intend to hurt innocent ponies and griffons.
Princess Luna immediately steps in. “We don’t care about those vile gryphons, sister!”
“Luna, we agreed that we merely use this weapon as a leverage, so they give up Baltimare and retreat. We want as few civilian deaths as possible. You agreed on that, remember?”
Luna huffs but finally gives in, nodding her head a bit reluctantly.
Joseph just stares at the pony princesses and smacks his forehead with a palm while cringing.
“So, let me get this straight. Imagine you are about to win an important war. Your weak opponent suddenly threatens you with a new, apparently ridiculously strong weapon no one ever has heard of. Would you actually believe them and simply let your troops retreat from the land they just fought over?” Joseph shoots a questioning glance towards the two alicorns.
Luna raises her eyelids as he realizes the ugly monkeys statement made sense and quickly speaks up. “I would not believe such a foul bluff and would push my enemy to the last corner.”
“Exactly. The Gryphons would never believe you. Therefore, we must detonate one over Gryphon territory. If the emperor sees the destruction it produces, he has no choice but to retreat.”
Under no circumstances will I kill thousands of innocent Gryphons! Emperor Gryphanus is a horrible dictator and rules over his subjects with an iron claw! His poor subjects face enough hardships already.”
Joseph holds up a hand quickly “G-Gryphanus ?” He tries not to laugh, but tears fill the edge of his eyes as he looks back and forth between the princesses who just stare at him. He tires his best not to laugh but a repressed, high pitched laughter escapes his mouth. He tries harder to stop, but his repressed laughter gets louder and higher pitched. He wheezes and finally calms down after almost half a minute, wiping his wet eyes, he looks towards the princesses with a silly grin on his face.
“W-What?” He chuckles. “His name is Gryph-anus, for crying out loud, a-and you are about to lose a war against him.” He stutters a little, his wheezing and giggling interrupting his ability to speak properly.
The princesses just stare at him for several seconds. Luna’s left eye twitches and she tries her best to not jump over the table and tear this rude monkey into pieces. After the muffled laughter finally quietens down, Celestia clears her throat loudly.
“Are you finished, King Joseph?” She asks, with an annoyed tone, glaring daggers towards him.
Joseph straightens his shirt and wipes his eyes again while chuckling a little. “Okay, I’m sorry. That was a little mean, but I simply couldn’t help myself.” Celestia stares towards Joseph with an annoyed and disappointed look while Luna continues glaring daggers at him, clearly clenching her teeth together hard behind her muzzle.
“Hmm. Quite a tough crowd once again.” He chuckles nervously and tries not to look towards the almost raging lunar Princess. She can indeed be quite terrifying. “Uhm.. W-Where were we again?”
“We agreed on, that we would not harm any civilians.” Celestia states, her voice calm and clear again.
“I see. That might be a difficult task. But I have an Idea.”
The Princesses ears perk up at that and Luna quickly replies, “Thou have?” Both Princesses look rather surprised.
“Uhm yes?” Joseph answers a little hurt. “Do you maybe have a map of the Griffon Empire, Princess Celestia?”
“Of course, King Joseph.” Celestia empathizes his title rather strong, then opens a drawer with her magic and pulls out a big map, which she places on top of the marble table. “Here you are.”
Celestia takes seat again and lets the human eye the map curiously. He stands up from his seat and walks to the left and right, analysing the map since it’s rather large. The Griffon Empire is a rather small Country, bordering Equestria, the Badlands and a vast ocean in the north. The scale showed that it was about 500 Kilometers long and 300 wide. Compared to Equestria, which was about four times as big, it seemed like a tiny little piece of land. After a while he points to a red spot near the sea and looks up towards the princesses.
“What exactly is this?”
“This is Gryphonia, the capital city with about 110’000 Gryphons living and working there. Next to the mountain is the Emperor’s Castle, from where he rules over his kingdom.”
Joseph holds his hands together and sits back onto his chair again while looking towards the celestial princesses with a pensive look on his face.
“Since you don’t want to drop our little bomb right into the middle of it, what if we detonate it riiiight there.” Joseph points to a forest nearby the capital city a few kilometres away from the city walls.
Joseph pointed to the Zenus-Woods. A simple oak forest nearby some cliffs which is bordered by the great Northern Sea. The Princesses look towards the map and could not come up with an argument to not use this area for the ‘demonstration’. The Princesses would have to accept the demise of many, many woodland creatures, but compromises must be made in desperate times. Celestia often told Joseph how she values every life deeply. But in the end, she must put her ponies and her Kingdom above everything else. What kind of ruler would she be if she wouldn’t?
After a while, Princess Luna narrows her eyes again and looks up from the map towards the human, who just raises his eyebrows in question.
“King Joseph. I appreciate your effort and help, and I must admit this plan sounds quite thought trough. But Thou see, we are sceptical of thee, King Joseph. Here you are, helping us, providing us with an apparently immensely powerful weapon. Something that, according to Celestia, could wipe out whole Cities with just the blink of the eye. But I don’t see the reason behind it. What would thou gain in assisting us?
“Are you saying you don’t trust me, Princess Luna?” Joseph holds his fingers together, hiding a smirk.
Princess Luna honestly nods. “This is what we intended to say. I don’t trust strange bipedal creatures who fall out of the sky and want to assist us in a war said creature has nothing to do with.”
Joseph gasps a little exaggerated and holds a hand to his chest. “Wow, I’m deeply offended, Princess Luna. But you are indeed right. Why should I, King Joseph the first, even consider helping you? Truly a great question.” He stands up and opens his back back, from where he pulls out a scroll, which he hands over towards the lunar Princess. A tiny smirk already forms on his lips as he sits back and waits for her to open the scroll with her magic.
A quick glance over towards Celestia reveals her embarrassment as her sister goes through the scroll. She tries to hide it behind her princess mask, but Joseph knows that she is secretly cursing him. Joseph looks back towards Princess Luna. Her left eye twitches slightly as she reads trough the scroll.
Suddenly, with a loud bang, Princess Luna smashes her hoofs onto the marble table.
“Cake-delivery?! Do thou think this is funny!? This is merely a disrespect against the crown. And for faking Princess Celestia’s signature, we could throw thee into the dungeons for eons, thou disrespectful fool!
Princess Celestia chuckles nervously and looks over towards her sister.
“Actually, King Joseph did not fake it. I signed the scroll with my own hoof.” Celestia smiles sheepishly and Princess Luna chokes a little, blinking rapidly as she stares at her sister.
Thou are jesting, right sister?” Luna laughs nervously and then looks over towards the human who just sat there with a serious expression on his face.
Joseph clears his throat. “Princess Luna, are you implying that irrigation and cake-delivery are a joke?”
Lunas eyes narrow again but before she could do anything she would later regret, Celestia steps in. “Please, lets try to hold a civilized meeting. Remember, we are here to plan how we can intimidate the Griffon emperor, so orders his troops to retreat.” Celestia sighs in desperation. She notices her mind wandering off again. Cake. Her mouth waters at the mere thought of entering her favourite patisserie and demolishing one of her beloved treats right from the display window. The princess shakes her head quickly. She needs to concentrate now.
“Sure, drop it onto his forest and I’ll trigger it at the right time, no biggie. I think that should be sufficient and the Gryphons and Minotaurs will retreat immediately, so relax.”
“I hope you are correct King Joseph.” Celestia states.
Joseph sits on a king-sized bed inside his guest suite. It was rather luxurious with chandeliers, marble floor and a bathroom that would be worth more than his own house he owned back when he was on earth.
“Earth… Seesh.” He gulps and looks down towards his sweaty hands which he rests on the bedsheets. They were trembling slightly. Joseph tends to get rather pensive and melancholic when he is not in his castle, doing silly and extremely dangerous things with his inventions. “I guess that’s it huh?” He asks himself, realizing that he probably would never see his planet anymore. All his friends. His family. His plans. Everything he liked or wanted to do. It’s Gone. Sure, he had his own little makeshift castle and the military power to achieve anything in this world. Quite something after just 6 months of work, but deep down he knew that he is just trying to repress his mind from the crushing reality with his activities in the Badlands. He was stranded in a fucked-up world, where talking ponies are the dominant species, alone with no friends. The only human on the entire planet. Heck, he is not even sure if this is the same dimension anymore. Deep down he hopes that he really is in a coma or on a intense acid trip, hopefully just dreaming this insanely vivid dream. The possibility is slim, but it still gives him hope. Joseph walks towards the big mirrors next to the entrance of his suite and stares at himself. His family and friends surely must think he is dead after being missed for so long. His eyes tear up and a sob escapes his mouth as he tries to wipe away his tears.
“S-Shit… I’m such a pussy”
A knock is heard on the doors and he quickly wipes his eyes clear. “Y-Yes, who is it?” He asks with a raised voice.
“Its me, Celestia. Can I come inside?”
Josephs eyes spring open wide. “Wait! G-Gimme a second!” He storms towards the bathroom and quickly splashes some cold water onto his face and hair. Celestia can not see him in this state. Getting rid of his clothes, except his underwear, he splashes some water onto his chest and grabs a big towel with which he covers himself.
“ King Josep, is everything alright?” Celestia’s motherly voice, filled with worry reaches his ears through the doors. She waits another few seconds.
As the doors are opened, Celestia blinks in surprise as she sees the human standing in front of her, a big blanked wrapped around his body while some droplets of water fall from his body onto the marble floor.
“I’m sorry that took me so long. I was about to exit the shower when you knocked, Princess.” Celestia merely nods and looks into his eyes, which were more reddish than usual.
Celestia nods. “Ah good to hear.” She then tilts her head slightly and looks deep into his brown eyes. “Are you sure that you are alright, King Joseph?”
Y-Yea. I’m just a bit cold.” He tightens his blanket and stares back into her eyes.- Why is she acting like she’s concerned? -
“I see. I’m sorry that I have interrupted your bathing routine. I just wanted to inform you that dinner will be served in about an hour. The dining hall is right next to the day-court.”
“Sure, I’ll be there.”
Celestia smiles and nods her head. “Splendid. Take care and try to not get lost in the castle, Mister Wecksell.”
Joseph retorts. “I’ll try my best, Miss Sunny.” Celestia just rolls her eyes, but nonetheless smiles slightly.
Princess Celestia playfully and gently shoves the human away from the doorframe into his guest suite. “Go back and finish your bathing activities, King Joseph.”
“Will do Mam’” He holds his blanket with one hand and gives her a quick salute.
Celestia giggles at his antics and then closes the door. Her smile on her muzzle quickly drops. She knew that he wasn’t really taking a bath. He was hiding something behind his always so carefree and serene mask, and she was going to find out what it is…
After some well-deserved cake that is.
Author's Note
This chapter was brought to you by Zach Galifianakishttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBkuNpgACH0
Expect longer a longer delay til the next chapter drops. Life called me and apparently im not allowed to have any time to write for the next 2 weeks.
Do not forget to protect your cake, comment and rate <3
Chapter 05 – The Intruder
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Chapter 24 – Northern Screech Mountains / Part 1
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Chapter 25 – Northern Screech Mountains / Part 2
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