On the night of a full moon, a group of cultists have finally succeeded in summoning Lauren Faust back to Equestria.

"Oh Great Faust, we ponies have lost our way. Please tell us what we should do."

"...Go suck a dick, dumb shits!"

And everyone did fellatio that night.

Welcome to the Rice Fields, Mother Fucker

Princess Cadance is in the middle of spoon-feeding her precious Flurry Heart.

"Alright my little hellspawn, open wide for the choo-choo."

"...HYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

Anarchy in the Crystal E.

Candy Mountain, Charlie!

"My, that's quite a marvelous ring you have there, darling."

"Wa-hoo!"

Rarity gets hit by the Wind Bullet.

Klonoa uses her bloated form to leap up and snag the stage's last collectible.

No reading horse fiction in the halls.

"Oooh! That sounds like my inexplicably-existing telephone!"

Pinkie bounces over to the ringing phone and picks it up.

"Hello?"

"When Eyes Are RED!! We can't talk for a while..."

Mannulus Dominus est in Caelis

"Hey Scootaloo, how bout you drink this soda?"

"And why would you want me to do that?"

"That's cuz I... I...

I can't do this anymore.

I'm sorry everyone, but the motivation had abandoned me long ago, and at this point I'm just forcing myself to write up something I no longer feel any enjoyment in making. Thus, I'm ending this here and now. I'm sorry I couldn't make a more satisfactory conclusion, but I need to wrap this up so it doesn't dangle over me for the rest of my life. I appreciate you who have read and liked this nonsense up to this point, and especially to those who have kept u—
GUUHAAAK?!?
*Le Dies*

"That's enough of that." *Withdraws knife* "After three months, we're not letting you have a neat FNAF-style wrap-up."

"Yeah! Now show yourself, asshole, or we'll bust into your shit apartment or basement or whatever and get finger-crackin'."

Y-You? Ah jeez, what do you want? Did you have to kill my narrator like that?

"That's the least of your worries, but I'll let Pipimi lay it down."

"You see, it's come to our attention that you've been doing a terrible job utilizing our style of humor, as indicated by the low number of views this story has received since publication. And given the hiatus and the admission of your dearly departed narrator, you've undoubtedly chosen to abandon this misguided venture. Therefore, we feel some appropriation is in order."

A, appropriation? Appropriate what? This is a nonprofit fanfic. All my fics are!

"True. I suppose this is just our way of saying that we're shutting you down in the most indiscriminately brutal fashion possible. Trying to sound businesslike, but obviously that shit don't fly. Popuko, insanity and conflict is your job. I leave this one up to you."

"Woh, sick Touhou reference, Pipimi-chan."

"Thank you. Now if you would be so kind."

"With pleasure. That retard mascot was one thing, but it's gonna be a real kick offing you, chump."

H-hey, keep it cool! Let's talk this out!

"You should have thought of that before putting this trainwreck on Hiatus for so long, you punk bitch."

"Oh ho ho ho ho, a ruckus brewing without my involvement? Now that simply won't do."

"Eh? Who fuckin' said that?"

"Now now, missy, I believe it's time to put a cap on those expletives of yours."

"How bout coming down here and making me, poorly-veiled surprise guest."

"Gladly~"

Slithering into existence appears the annoying yet amicable amalgamation of anarchic ambition, the ever love-hateable Discord, esquire.

"Ah, the little gremlins have finally come out to play. I was wondering when this heap of creative diarrhea was going to draw you out."

"Just so you know, shit noodle, we wear the gremlin tag with pride, so no irk points with that one."

"I suppose you've taken umbrage with our threatening of this low-tier author?"

"Oh not at all! In fact I wanted to express a few choice complaints of my own, namely as to why I haven't shown up in any skits thus far. Sham though it may be, its random nature should've warranted some shameless involvement of myself. I'm genuinely baffled./color]"

"Uh-huh, but..?"

"I just don't see why the two of you get to have all the fun in tearing this debacle asunder. And besides, I'm rather curious as to how your own unpredictable natures measure up to mine."

"Tch, like you're something, Q. I'll bust that long face into a short one quicker than when we blew up King Records, and Shota Aoi won't be around to save you."

"Guess we'll have to resolve this squabble first. At least the author won't be going anywhere."

Damn my morbid curiosity!

"Well ladies, without further ado, I say we get on with our dance."

"Now hold on, y'all! You can't go starting a fight without inviting ME!!"

Discord's paw and talon grip each side of his face.

"Wait No No NONONO—!!"

The draconequus' head is ripped asunder, and springing out from the confetti appears the gloriously buff, blue-shirted, sunglasses-wearing, blonde afro-ed visage of the Legendary BoBoBo-Bo Bo-BoBo!

"Oh terrific, it's the Shonen Jump crowd."

"And a stale-ass one at that."

"Don't you go dissin' your predecessors. I've been channelin' the chuckles since before you were in diapers. Heck, I've been doing it since I've been in diapers, on multiple occasions. And sure I've been out of action for a couple of years, but The Fist of the Nose Hair is timeless in its execution of hilarity. Besides, I'm more than just the gags. I'm also a bonafide freedom fighter, battling for truth, justice, and snug-fitting underwear. I'm no one-trick horsey like you two. Even Dengaku Man's got more range than either of you."

"That does it." *Draws Knife* "We're making this extra messy, Popuko-chan."

"Hell to the yeah!" *Pulls out trusty nail bat*

"Aye aye aye, do you kids really have to make so much racket?"

Plodding in seemingly from nowhere is a short squat rusty robot-looking fellow wearing a baseball cap, worn-out sweater, faded beige sweatpants and dusty slippers. My God! It's none other than Akira Toriyama-sama himself! Or rather his avatar.

"So very typical of the younger generation to make a fuss when you should only worry about doing your own thing. Then again, I was young and dumb once, and getting hot-blooded is quite the rush."

"We didn't ask for a lecture, old man. Now shamble off or you're getting shanked."

"Hey, that's about a quarter of my material you're threatening there, lady. If anyone should be tussling with a highly venerated manga-ka, it should be me."

"Up yours fuck boy! All this talk has made me super-fucking antsy and I want blood! Ain't no one getting out of here alive now!"

"*Sigh* Why did I have to walk in on this? Well, I suppose I can flex some muscle and show you youngsters how to do an action comedy properly."

Hold everything!

"Oh for fuck's sake what??"

You come into my story, disrupt my ending, kill my narrator, threaten me, criticize my shitty writing style, and then decide to get into a rut, just to forget about me? Well I've had it! You're in my domain now, and this is gonna be settled in the only appropriate fashion: Pay-Per-View!

And just like that, we've relocated to a packed stadium and a ghetto-looking tri-corner wrestling ring, the evening's combatants tucked in each one. Our formless Author dangles down overhead with a microphone.

Laaaaaaaaadies and gentlemen, the Compendium is agitated to present a most unnecessary but undoubtedly amusing battle of the season. Three styles of irreverent humor duking it out to determine which one is better, although comedy has and always will be subjective as I have so painfully learned firsthand. But enough griping; here are tonight's contenders.

In the Purple Corner, weighing in at a combined one hundred kilos of absurd, a fascinating fluke in good judgment and taste and the basis for these thirteen chapters of drivel: it's Popuko and Pipimi representing Pop Team Epic!

Rabid cheers arise from the hip 2018 anime and internet crowd, as well as the lurking hipsters that had been following Bkub since his Touhou days (i.e. before he was cool [jk]).

In the Orange Corner, weighing in at Swol AF (including afro), it's Shonen Jump's premier living parody, the freedom fighter for follicles, and Master Train Fighter: Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo!

Now the older Toonami and niche manga fanboys and girls raise a cheer, though admittedly it's not as loud as one would hope. But hey, the big guy still appreciates his fans.

Finally, in a corner of his very own, weighing the equivalent of an average sixty-three year old, it's the avatar of one of the forefathers of modern-day shonen manga, a true gag meister, advocate for scatological humor and all-around swell guy, give it up foooooooooooor Toriyama-bot!!!

This time the entire stadium, nay, the entire anime community roars out for their maestro, who humbly waves to everyone, still in his super casual wear.

"I sense some bias here."

The stage is all set and the brawl is to begin, so all you degenerates and silly people, my fellow GEARs, leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet's get ready to RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!!

???: And what better way to kick off a rousing match then by introducing your ringside commentators for this evening, in script format no less. Hello everyone I'm Spaz Noman, just birthed into existence a few seconds ago, and with me is a special guest commentator from a fiction series none of you will never read because you're a bunch of cowards, Dick Hammalon. Dick how are you?

Dick: About as good as I can be, Spaz. Finally managed to pay off a good chunk of my resurrection fees, but I'm still dealing with the lawsuit for eating that one guy. Just goes to show dramatic reappearances from the dead don't always work out in the long term.

Spaz: I can only imagine. But I believe the fine folks at home want a play-by-play of the bedlam taking place on the mat, to better carry this anti-climax along.

Dick: Yes I am aware; I've been doing news coverage for years so don't gimme any of that lip, baby face. Anyway, kicking off the match it's no surprise that Popuko of Pop Team Epic has come out screaming and swinging, Pipimi having lost control and not looking the bit concerned or even caring. Bobobo manages to flip over the blondie to give her a wedgie, but she manages to twist her head around and nail him in the chest. Luckily it turns out that was his balloon doppelganger and now he's sprung out as a parody of Venus delivering a sappy silly death soliloquy to "her" beloved. But now it looks like Toriyama-bot is finally joining the fray, reaching into his sweater to pull out something and JESUS CHRIST it's a stick with a piece of smiling poop on it!

Spaz: He's certainly wasted no time in drawing his signature Weapon of Choice, and it's having a crippling effect on Bobobo. Unsurprisingly this has no effect on Pipimi who is looking to cut that stick with her knife, but Toriyama-bot seems to be doing just barely enough of a good job fencing it away. Must be some durable wood on that thing. Off to the side Popuko appears to be having a vape break and just like that a whole swarm of subculture bitches have appeared. No doubt a bit of strategy as their appearance has driven Popuko into a frenzy, giving her a ridiculous boost in power and speed. Naturally she's going after the subculture bitches first, but it's only a matter of time until it's down to Bobobo and Toriyama-bot.

Dick: And god help them when she notices them. I tell ya, seeing all this rampant bloodshed, it's a kind of wild I haven't seen since my stint in Space Boca. Ladies of every flavor and the choicest drugs; the trip I was on I'm pretty sure I had broken into the mayor's residence and eviscerated—

Spaz: Have to interrupt you there Dick because another two combatants have flung themselves into the ring: Jelly Jiggler and Don Patch of Team Hajike, no doubt come to help their fellow freedom fighter. And as expected Don Patch has delivered a devastating drop kick to Bobobo's head, but the big guy's recovered fast enough to shove a lit bundle of dynamite into his partner's mouth and bowl him at the surviving crowd of subculture bitches, blowing them all apart and launching Popuko to the ceiling. Jelly Jiggler's sprung up to intercept with a hundred bullet punches, which Popuko deflects by eating every one of his blows, all in midair mind you. Jiggler seems to have gotten himself in a tight spot up there.

Dick: An update on the Toriyama-bot/Pipimi scuffle, you interrupting fuck: Pipimi has managed to knock away the poop stick and is going for the killing stab. Wait, Goku and Arale have just appeared and are taking on the little psycho, and I'm seeing even more random gag comic characters are dropping in. I see Gintama and his bunch and also that one tall redhead guy with a recorder, some obscure one.

Spaz: And it's not just Shonen Jump characters either. Characters from other joke comics and animation are rushing the ring. I'm talking Ebichu, the Excel Saga anime, the English dubs for Ghost Stories and Shin-chan, a bunch of others the author won't even bother looking up. It's an utter free-for-all that can't really be described, at least coherently. So many weirdoes vying for best comedy or something it's honestly hard to tell at this point aaaaand here come the porn parodies as well, because you can't have a thriving animation community without those creeping in. Oh the humanity.

Dick: It's a real chain reaction of stupid, I tell you what. What do you make of all this insanity, Ghost of Osamu Tezuka?

Tezuka: Manga was a mistake; I died for nothing.

Dick: And there you have it, folks. That's all for tonight's bout, with no definite winners but a whole lot of broken hearts. There will be no refunds since nothing can get back the time you wasted reading this mess. Once again I'm Dick Hammalon, and it's back to Hell with me. Goodnight, everyone.

And That's Seriously How It Ends

Author's Note

Yep, that's really it. Fun for the most part while it lasted, and hopefully you got some enjoyment from this abrupt ending. Keep warm this fall, everyone, and all the best. Peace!