Don't Worry, It's Just the Apocalypse

“Celestia has abandoned us?” called a voice from the crowd.

“No,” Luna to quash the treasonous, even heretical, ideas, “she has merely left for a scheduled vacation!”

“Nightmare Moon has returned and taken over!” shouted another.

“Not that either,” Luna, Goddess of the Night and Never Handling Public Situations Well, turned her gaze over the ponies before her. They were certainly little, but their expressions showed how little she owned them. “Everything is under control. Remain calm and return to your homes. Or, if your homes have been sucked into a swirling, nightmare vortex, go to another pony's home and remain calm there.”

However, she had already lost them at “Nightmare Vortex,” and soon the word was being scattered throughout Canterlot that Nightmare Moon had returned, thrown Celestia into a Nightmare Vortex, and was intent on devouring all of Equestria.

Minutes later, The Goddess of the Night and Of Late Forming Emergency Committees, was standing before the remaining four Element Bearers, “So how does Celestia normally handle things like this?”

“Well normally, Twilight would know stuff about whatever this was, and we'd follow through on that.”

“Purple, Smart Pony was at ground zero, so that possibility is right out.”

A loud explosion from the opposite direction of the vortex marked the beginning of the Rioting phase of the natural disaster. Next would come the Looting, then the Bargaining for passage somewhere else, Depression as somewhere else turned out to be not far enough away, and finally Acceptance.

“The first thing,” Luna turned her focus to a problem that made slightly more sense than the vortex currently devouring existence, “We need to do is put a stop to the panic and get some sense of order restored.”

“I know,” a pink hoof shot up, “We should hold A Don't Think About the Impending Apocalypse Party!”

“Perfect,” the Goddess of the Night and Sometimes Deception cheered.

“Ah don't mean to be rude, your highness, but there already was a party before this started. It didn't really help.”

“That was a party for the Canterlot elite, this will be a huge, street filling, all classes and all kinds party. The sort of festival that ruins the aristocracy with scandal, bastard children and mixed marriages. Pink, Annoying Pony, We need you to get started right away. This,” She held out a piece of plastic, “is Our sister's debit card. Spare her no expense.”

“Even then, you can't just expect everypony to ignore the apocalypse next door.”

“Not while they're sober, no. But that's where you come in, Dirt Farmer Pony, you and the open bar and buffet.”

“But ah need to get back to Sweet Apple Acres-”

“Dirt Farmer Pony, completely changing the subject. Have you ever thought it was ironic that the Princess of the Sun is famous for banishing people to the Moon? Ever wonder where We would send ponies, had We the same taste in irony?”

“Ah think ah might see your point.”

“Where?” Luna the Goddess of the Night and Often Literal Interpretations looked about in distraction.

“Ah mean that ah should probably remain in Canterlot, ya know, to keep the problem under a barrel here.”

“Very good. This situation calls for overproof cider to keep the guests extra drunk, and maybe put a little something in the food and beverages for the colts and fillies, too.”

“Ah can't drug children!”

“Fine, We guess you've provided enough compliance. We'll just get Pink, Annoying Pony to-”

“Wait, no, wait, you can't let her do it! Ah've got some broken memories of an apple cobbler that Granny Smith used to make.”

“Perfect. This is Our sister's check book, We've taken the liberty of forging her signature already, but We leave the numbers up to you. Now, Pretty Pony,” she turned her head to Rarity, “We need you to decorate the area around the vortex. Something that says, 'Don't panic or worry about what is going on over here,' but also 'Stay far the fuck away from here,' with maybe a little 'Yay! Luna is the best ever and way better than her sister in every respect.'”

“But the vortex keeps expanding and sucking everything near it in!”

“Then you'd better decorate fast. Think of it like one of those browser games you ponies play these days. Tower Defender or whatever.”

“Those games are designed so you always lose.”

“Excellent, that should take the pressure off you. Or would you like Us to take even more pressure off you with a trip to a far away land of sunshine?”

“Well,” Rarity laughed slightly, “there are some designs in neo-retro-crypto-fascism I've been thinking about.”

Another piece of plastic hovered in the air, “This is Our sister's Visa. It is everywhere you are, because you're holding it, and that is how being places works.” After waiting a moment while Rarity examined the card she added, “a good place to be might be somewhere working on your assigned task, Pretty Pony.”

Luna turned to the last Element Bearer remaining and sighed, “Yellow, Wimpy Pony, We're pretty sure most of your birds were already sucked into the vortex, plus We've already got different ideas in mind for the music, so there's no real use for you. You're free to go about as your cowardly heart pulls you.”

Though she had been absolutely terrified, the sudden exclusion still caused the yellow pegasus' face to fall. Normally, this would be a momentary disruption of her emotional stability. However, normally she would not be standing so close to a vortex. As soon as Fluttershy's face started to loosen, there was a sickening tear and something yellow flew away on the winds.

“Oh dear, what happened to me! What just happened!?” Fluttershy's voice spiked upward in panic, and she grabbed onto Luna's hooves.

“Nothing. Your fine.” Luna muttered, awkwardly extricating herself from the grip of the quivering mass.

“Really?” Fluttershy said, sounding slightly relieved, but Luna cocked her head a moment in confusion.

“Yes. Well, no. Wait. Smile for Us,” Fluttershy did so, but something was wrong. She reached up feeling for her adorably puffed out cheeks. Nothing. The cheeks were there, with her mouth and eyes and nose, but it was all just flesh. No expression, no character, no animation. She had completely lost face to the vortex.

She screamed in horror, but her expression remained absolutely blank.