There is something called Murphy's Law, basically whatever can go wrong will go wrong. Now you might be wondering, why am I telling you about this? Surely you already know of the oh so beloved law, remember what I said previously about me being hopeful? I should've been realistic, it started with the silent auction table. I walked straight up to the table with my intent being to at least raise some money by getting one dress. Rarity helped me so I could get a dress for Twilight, Fluttershy, or Pinkie Pie. The other unicorns were whispering to themselves which was quite frankly getting on my nerves but then I thought it was for the children so I could take it. I placed my bid and someone had the absolute BALLS to say. "Ugh, what is that thing doing here?" I turned towards the source of the voice and it was loud enough that Rarity had overheard it and stepped in front of me. The damage was done however, my anger was unleashed.

"WHO SAID THAT?!" I shouted. "WHICH ONE OF YOU RACIST, ELITIST, CUNTBAGS SAID THAT?!" I was ready to run up to people and start punching them however, the unicorns were dropping to their knees.

Rarity was even feeling bad, "Mickey, please...stop...this..." She pleaded weakly, I looked over to the kids and some of them had passed out.

My anger was quickly replaced with confusion and there was only one solution that I could see. I needed to get the fuck out of there, I zipped up my jacket hastily and ran as fast as I could, I leapt and hurdled over chairs as I made my way towards the exit all the while swearing at myself and looking at my hand. "What the fuck just happened?" I kept running, I had lived in Canterlot for a few months when I first arrived, I didn't know exactly where everything is but I needed to jog my memory it's been several years, however in my stupor of running and trying to figure out where I am, I came across one of the most recognizable places in Canterlot. Donut Joe's Donuts and Coffee. I had stated earlier that I was now more confused that I was angry, I needed to figure this shit out.

I walked inside the donut shop and ordered a coffee the cashier, which was Donut Joe had a fleeting headache that quickly passed. He shook his head and looked up at me, "Heya Mick, it's been a long time since I've seen you around here. What can get ya?"

"Uh...a coffee, I had just ordered one." I stated, what he just said only piled onto my confusion.

"Oh, right. Sorry Mick, I just got this killer headache and I musta forgotten, tell you what I'll give it to ya on the house." Joe smiled down at me.

"There's no need to do that Joe, I'm perfectly willing to pay."

"Nah, I won't let ya Mick, besides it's been a long while since I've seen ya and I'd like to catch up." Joe went over to his coffee machine, threw out the old coffee grounds and started a fresh pot. "Anything else I can get ya?"

"Some fuckin' answers would be nice." I whispered to myself.

"What was that?" Joe asked.

"Nothing, just the coffee would be great. I'll take it the way I usually do." I said as I sat down in a booth. I put my head down and thought about it, what the fuck just happened?

The bell on the door rang and I peeked my head up to show that it was Rarity she noticed me and sat down across from me. "Joe darling, you better make that 3 coffees." Rarity sighed and looked at me she could see the confusion in my eyes.

"Is everyone alright?" I asked.

"Everyone is fine, most don't remember what happened. Except for a few, well namely three. You, Coco, and I." Rarity said. "What was that?"

"I don't know, honestly. One moment I was angry, the next everyone was weakened and kids were out cold. I don't know what the fuck is going on." I admitted.

"Has this happened before?" Rarity asked.

"I think so, but I'm not 100% sure. It was when I was sparring with Rainbow Dash, she said she felt a little weaker than her normal state." I said. "I didn't think anything of it, everyone has an off day."

"What would you even start to think it is?" Rarity asked.

"Rarity, I've been on a battlefield outnumbered 20 to 1 and yet somehow with piss and vinegar, determination, and some creativity I made it out alive, I was scared then but I powered through it. I'm indirectly hurting innocent people and I'm terrified the only person that can help is Twilight and she's several hours away, and before you even ask I'm not going to Celestia about this. Twilight is the only one I really trust to get to the bottom of this."

"Well if you really need to, go ahead and go." Rarity said, "I'm going to finish up here."

"No, I don't want it happening again and causing some sort of train crash. I want your help, please help me Rarity." I looked up at her with pleading eyes.

"Wow. You're really desperate aren't you?"

"Incredibly, but I'm still as stubborn as ever. There's a good fucking reason I wanted to get as far away from pony life as possible when I left this place." I sighed, "It wasn't fun Rarity, all this elitist bullshit. People looking down on you just because you can't do magic or just because you look different. It's stupid."

"That, you and I can both agree on." Rarity said and she...dropped her accent. "I can't believe I've been suckin' up ta those no good brown nosers for years."

I think my confusion has been mostly replaced with more shock now, granted I was still confused. "Rarity, what happened to your accent?"

Rarity sighed, "Mickey darlin' I'm from Fillydelphia. This is my regular accent." She then switched back to her 'regular voice'. "I only used this accent to help break into the fashion business. I liked it enough that it just stuck." Rarity switched back again, "But since you don't know what in the flyin' buck is goin' on I figured to let ya in on this little secret of mine."

"How many people know about this?" I asked her.

"Joe knows because he knew my parents before he moved out here, then there's my family who know, Sweetie was born in Ponyville but she's picked up a lil' from me. Then there's Spike, he likes it, we promised no secrets from each other and that's the way I want ta keep it." Rarity said, "You're now one of the few who know."

"Thanks, and while I do appreciate it, I'm still scared about this. What is happening?" I looked to her as Joe gave us our coffee and flipped the sign from open to closed and locked the door.

"I figure you two would like some privacy, but please make it quick I can't stay closed all day now." Joe said as he took his cup of coffee, going into the back.

"Thanks Joe." Rarity thanked him, then turned her attention back to me. "If you're really that scared, I can ask the princess to secure you passage to Ponyville immediately and send a letter to Spike letting Twilight know of your arrival. You should get there in half the time it takes by train."

"How could I repay you?" I asked, she's going out of her way to secure me something that I would've never had the guts to ask for.

"A proper suit, not the one you’re wearing right now. Besides if all goes well, you might be getting married." Rarity stated.

"If I get married then I’ll let you plan my wedding." I replied sarcastically.

"Don’t make statements you can’t keep." Rarity sipped her coffee.

"I’ll slice in into my fucking arm if need be." I said as I drank some of my coffee.

"You are incredibly dark sometimes." Rarity said.

"Helps me forget my even darker past, I’ve killed people remember?" I shuddered, "Sometimes I can still see their faces when I sleep."

"Luna could help you if you just asked her." Rarity pointed out.

"No." I shook my head, "My dreams are memories of the worst parts that humanity has to offer, if Luna saw that shit. She’d go darker than Nightmare Moon, she may have tried to take over a kingdom and throw the world into eternal night time, but in the end I saw no casualties at when her hissy fit had ended. It’s cartoonish bullshit, my nightmares would drive anyone else insane. In fact, they aren’t even nightmares anymore, they’re night terrors."

"Wow." Rarity soon finished her coffee and I was right after her by finishing my coffee. We both got up and thanked the coffee maker... Joe we thanked Joe. We soon left so he could get back to his business of making confections for people. "I never got a definitive answer from you, do you want me to ask a favor of the princess so you can get back to Ponyville?"

I stopped walking and Rarity turned to look at me, stopping in her tracks as well. I thought about it for a while and then hung my head. "I need to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible, let’s go."

Rarity put a hand on my shoulder but felt weak and immediately took it off. "It seems this thing is more serious than I thought, but you’re doing the right thing."

I changed direction and turned toward the palace but I stopped. "Wait I still need my clothes and things."

"Well...I kinda already sent them off to the palace if you weren’t going to cooperate with my suggestion I was going to strong arm you into doing it." Rarity admitted.

"...Clever girl, I would be upset but I’m too appreciative of the fact that you had already preemptively planned ahead and were willing to manipulate me into doing it, maybe ponies can learn to be creative." I said.

"Bitch please, being creative is my whole deal darling, I’m not a fashionista because it pays well." Rarity flipped her mane.

"Still you have gained a parcel of my respect, appreciate this. It’s not given out generously." I said.

"I shall treat it with the utmost care." Rarity said, "I know the importance of this and I shall appreciate it for what it is."

I smirked a little, "Well then, you have my respect. Now let's see if you can earn my trust." I gently thrust my arms forward, "After you milady."

Rarity smiled and walked before me, "Thank you kind sir."

We didn't talk about much during our walk to the palace I just let her lead the way and when we got to the royal gates Rarity was let through yet I was stopped. I looked at one, then I looked at the other. "You guys are fucking idiots if you don't either recognize me or have a procedure set in place when the ONLY HUMAN in Equestria visits the royal palace. Go ahead and take out your rule books and check to see who is granted immediate entry into the royal palace. I'll wait."

"Mickey..." Rarity grew concerned.

"No, no, no. I want this to happen, I want this to be an example for every new recruit that comes to this post, now go ahead." I looked at the guards.

The guards nervously shuffled around and took out a little rulebook after skimming through it they looked at me and then looked at the book, "Our sincerest apologies sir-"

"Shove it up your ass and around the corner." I grumbled as I walked past.

"Was that really necessary?" Rarity asked.

"Saves a lot of time and effort and I didn't want to be detained in a dungeon cell because of it. I cut through the bullshit and got straight to the point." I said as we walked into the throne room. Celestia was there talking with the nobles, but I could see in her eyes she was extremely bored. So I just whistled and got everyone's attention. "To whoever has the golden stylish carriage outside? Yeah it's on fire now." The moment I finished that statement, all the nobles got up and rushed out the door. I looked to the guards at the door, "Lock it."

Both guards nodded and locked the door and Celestia cleared her throat. "Thanks Mickey, though I highly doubt that would work twice."

"Who said you could call me by my name? I prefer my title, Lord Asshole of humanity, representative of one." I crossed my arms, "Or LAHROO for short."

I then heard a very distinct voice go, "PFFT, oh by all that is chaos that is hilarious." Discord started to laugh and he emerged from Celestia's shadow.

"How long were you there Discord?" Celestia asked, mildly annoyed.

"Let's just say I was a few seconds away from turning all nobles into midgets in bikinis." Discord rolled his eyes, right out of his head in fact he was rolling them around in his talon.

"Let's put a pin in that for now." Rarity said, "I need you to transport Mickey back to Ponyville, immediately. I would say that the crown owes us for sending us out on dangerous missions repeatedly with little to no concern for our physical or mental health."

Celestia was going to say something but one look from me cut off her train of thought and speech. "I can see how you feel that you must be compensated, but let me remind you, I'm not a genie, let your requests be reasonable and I'll look into them. I'm not going to make Rainbow lead captain of the wonderbolts for no reason though. Just be aware of this."

"I just want Mickey back in Ponyville for right now, but I also want a house on a beach in a private resort and an exclusive newsletter of available properties in the fashion district in Manehattan." Rarity crossed her arms.

"Ooh, going right for the jugular. Smart." I complimented and Rarity shot a smile at me.

"Fair enough, I can see to it that you are well compensated in your requests and I'll have Mr. Lord of Assholes, Representative of one be on the next chariot to Ponyville." Celestia sighed. "Do you really want me to call you that?"

"Until you can earn both my respect and trust, yes." I said.

"It'll take a few hours to get my personal chariot ready." Celestia said, "Until then we can 'shoot the breeze' as you call it." Celestia then nodded to one of her guards who left the throne room.

"I'm going to go out of my way to ignore you." I said.

"Why do you detest me so?" Celestia asked.

"Ignoring the fact that you had me trapped in a laboratory and experimented on me against my consent for months on end, you let the rich pricks with deep pockets order you around while bitching and moaning over the fact that they don't have enough tax breaks for their hot air balloons, which I personally think that they could inflate with all the breath they're wasting on you. You aren't really acting like a leader, or a teacher as your oh so great school for gifted unicorns has lead people to believe. Right now as of this moment, you're a glorified sun raiser with gold around her ankles, wrists, neck, and on your head. You chose the title of princess to make yourself a little more relatable and so you could rule over people without making them feel like they're serving a queen, but you aren't even acting like either." I said

"Well everypony must follow the rules, even the ones who make them." Celestia countered.

"Except the people who have the biggest bank accounts follow less and less rules the richer and richer they get and you sit on your ass and do nothing. The seats here should be elected positions instead of positions passed down through the unicorns with the biggest bank accounts. Speaking of unicorns, doesn't it seem a little suspicious that all the unicorns are the high class society? That they get the special school branded with Celestia's name and only that school alone?" I looked to Discord, "Doesn't that seem a little tribalist to you Discord?"

"Hmm, you do make a valid point Mickey." Discord put his eyes back in his head and scratched his goatee with his lion paw.

"Now let's all break this down into the economic standpoint, one of my herdmates Applejack, with the help of her brother, her sister, her grandmother, and myself, they run an apple farm. It's honest noble work, yet the more and more profits they produce the more and more in debt they seem to be. Pinkie pie is a baker who has to live with her employers because she can't afford anywhere else and previously she lived on a rock farm and ate rocks and they're both Earth Ponies...sounds a lot like the lower class to me. Meanwhile, two of my other herdmates Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy both live completely on their own with a manageable living expense, Fluttershy is even making enough money to put herself through veterinarians school. Let's not forget Rainbow Dash is a weather captain who has her own house which could be argue that it could be a mansion and they're both Pegasi. Finally there's my herdmate Twilight who is a princess but let us not forget that she was a unicorn prior to this and had a library to herself and all of her living expenses paid for by the crown itself. Do you see. What I'm swinging at. Here?" I emphasized Rarity, Celestia, and even Discord were stunned, "But I'm not one to beat around the bush so I'll spell it out for all of you. The more magic you can use, the higher of an economic class you'll be in, and if you're different in any way, shape, or form, you're going to be ostracized. Do you get it now?"

Rarity, Celestia, and Discord all nodded. I just smiled with my economic rant spent I then sighed. I walked up to one of the chairs and sat my ass down in it, Rarity was the first one to speak up. "Why didn't anypony point this out earlier?"

"They were most likely labeled as insane and thrown out of their respective economic class." I stated while putting my feet up and leaning back.

"What would you do?" Celestia looked at me, "Hypothetically if you were in my situation, what would you do?"

"Tax the rich harder and give tax cuts to those in debt or wipe away their debt entirely, if the rich complain I'll tell them to grow the fuck up, they're adults who are making x amount of money a year, you don't need a fucking tax break when people are struggling to put meals on the table." I put my hands behind my head. "The apple family haven't had an unrelated apple meal in god knows how long. If it weren't for their fucking apple farm they would have starved to death by now."

"My word, is it really that terrible?" Rarity asked.

"The other day Apple Bloom asked me what the hell I was eating for lunch, it was broccoli. I'd say it's pretty fucking bad." I looked at Celestia.

"I didn't know it was this bad." Celestia stated.

"Celestia, you are an alicorn." I put up my thumb, index, and middle finger. "The combination of a unicorn, a pegasus, and an earth pony. Yet I see you representing either the unicorn or pegasus." I put down my thumb and index finger therefore, flipping her off. "Never seen you on a farm, never seen you in a garden trying to grow something." I pointed out.

"Are you suggesting that I make a sudden shift in the status quo of the entirety of equestria?" Celestia said.

"You're the fucking ruler, not a motherfucking doormat." I said looking at her, "Quit treating the people you rule over like spoiled little children. Shake things up, be a fucking ruler have advisors and not people who bitch and moan. They're fucking adults, they had the right to bitch and moan as children, but now? No excuse." I said. "The true reason I really hated you with a passion is because you were nothing but a glorified puppet that raised the sun. I see no fucking fire, no personality just an emotionless puppet to be used by the high society." I stood up and walked over to her. "Now you have a choice to make. Are you going to remain the puppet of the high society or are you actually going to get some fucking justice for the little guy and stand up and REALLY represent ALL the ponies you are made of?" I looked deep into her eyes, and I could see sparks. The start of something new, just one more little push something to really set her off on this path of change. I put my hands on hers as she laid them on the armrests of her throne. "It's time to stop being a mother, because these babies are all grown up. It's time to start being a princess." With those few words those sparks turned into a fire.

"By Faust you have a fucking point." Celestia muttered, her eyebrows creased and her eyes narrowed. She looked up at me and then stood up, towering over me like the 9'6 amazonian pony goddess she was.

I just smirked, "It's about fucking time you listened to some logic and reason."

Discord stood in awe of me, "Never in a trillion years would I have thought that I would've seen the fire in Celestia's eyes once more. With just words you have reignited a spark that I thought was long dead, Mickey you have my utmost respect, anything you desire, I shall make it be."

I looked at Discord, "Great I now have a chaotic genie, I'm gonna hold you to those words Discord. Rarity, you're my witness."

"Done." Rarity said looking in awe of the Princess.

"And to think, I really didn't want to be here." I smiled.

The guard had now returned, "Princess, your personal chariot awaits, and the nobles are getting restless. What shall we do?"

Princess Celestia looked at the guard, "Let them in my little pony and then get the rest of the guard from around the castle into the throne room. I'm going to need the aid of all my guards for this."

The nameless guard then saluted and with a quick, "Yes your highness." She soon departed.

"You're welcome to leave now Mickey, I know how much contempt you hold for the canterlot high society." Princess Celestia said.

"Oh, fuck no Princess, I started this fire, I want to see it burn the garbage." I said and Princess Celestia stopped, I looked up at her. "What?"

"That's the...first time you've called me princess without it being sarcastic." Princess Celestia pointed out.

"Yeah well, maybe you did something to deserve that. I'm not going to tell you what, because I'm a professional asshole." I smiled, "Don't let me stop you from doing what you're doing."

Princess Celestia steeled herself as the rest of her guards came in and she sat back down on her throne, I leaned against it like a cocky mother fucker. I knew what was about to go the fuck down. The princess looked at her guards and nodded. "Let them back in."

Soon, one after another they all filed back in and took their seats, complaining up a storm. I looked at my non-existent watch and looked back at her. "Any minute now." I whispered.

"ENOUGH!" Celestia commanded and ooh, that sent shivers down my spine. The so called nobles soon quieted down, "I have heard you, your mothers and fathers, your grandmothers and grandfathers, and your great-grandmothers and great-grandfathers complain to me for too damn long, I've gotten sick and tired of your bitching and moaning, you all are ADULTS! How about you fucking act like it!" Princess Celestia swore. The ponies gasped but the princess continued while standing up. "You are not children, and I am not your mommy, there are actual good ponies out there who deserve the jobs you have and you bitch and moan and complain about trivial shit like taxes? I've had it up to my own damned sun that I can't take anymore!" The princess breathed through her nose and out her mouth. "Which is why most of you are fired the ones that deserve to keep their jobs will be informed in the coming days, and before you say that I can't do that. I'm the mother fucking PRINCESS, I sign the laws into power, I make the taxes that you MUST pay, anyone who tries to skip out on their taxes will pay be it money or time served. But, I'm not going to sit here any longer and listen to you bicker and complain about stupid shit. You do the work, you make the money, you make the money, you pay your taxes. It's simple as that, if you don't like it. My guard would happily escort you out, or escort you to the dungeons. Either way, you're finally out my fucking hair and out of my fucking mind." Celestia sat back down.

"In other words, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" I shouted. The former nobles grumbled but soon emptied the throne room and I was grinning like a fucking idiot. "I think I just popped a boner."

Rarity looked over at me and then reeled in disgust. "There's no need to think, you did get one!"

I look at my hard on then look at the princess, who is staring at me and my hard on, I then look back at my hard on and then back at her. "Later, I have to go figure some shit out."

"Agreed." Princess Celestia said. "Guards, please escort Mickey to my personal chariot."

Two guards nodded and before I left Rarity remembered. "Oh yeah, I almost forgot." Her horn lit up a baby blue and my bags appeared at my feet.

"Thanks, hey have you ever noticed that a unicorns natural magic aura matches their eye color except Celestia's?" I said as I gathered my bags and departed for my ride.

Princess Celestia was going to say something but then she conjured a full length mirror and lit up her horn in for a simple light spell, "Rarity please stand next to me and do the same spell I am." Rarity did as the princess asked of her and noticed that what I said was right. "Huh, that's so incredibly weird."

I smiled as I got onto the chariot relaxing as it took off with Ponyville as it's destination. Maybe I can get to the bottom of some of this weird shit that's been happening to me. It'll be good to return my book I checked out from there anyways, as the chariot took off I saw the palace and the city of Canterlot slowly but steadily shrink, my mind still clouded by this mystery.

Author's Note

It has never been specified where Rarity was born, so people can go fucking nuts with where she originally came from, I like to think her putting on a fake accent gives her character another hidden layer about her. Also I must be the only person in the world who noticed that about a unicorn's aura. I'm too attentive to details. HOLY SHIT I FINALLY GOT FEATURED!!!!!!!!!!