My morning routine, like most starts with coffee. Coffee is very essential to a morning routine, it kickstarts the system. Coffee usually takes a few minutes to kick in for me, it's fine though, if you're wondering what kind of technology I've brought with me to Equestria I'm just going to say this. Very little I currently have a dead cellphone, a dead iPod, my wallet with 7 bucks in it, a debit card I can't use, a flask, and a M1911 pistol with a full magazine inside it and spare under my bed. Yeah I have a gun, do I need to use it? Not really, I usually label things like that under not my fucking problem. I had a few knick-knacks here and there in my jacket. My jacket is a brown leather one that's sherpa lined, keeps me real warm when it gets colder. I was busy making furniture today, jack of all trades I am!

Actually, it's more like I can't keep still for more than a few minutes at a time unless I have my focus on one specific thing and then I can get that finished in a few hours. Mac is a good woodworker and it's something to talk about outside of work. I was busy working on the leg of a chair when I heard a certain springy step and a tomboyish voice talking.

"I'm telling you it's not going to work Pinkie." That was obviously Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie.

"Oh don't be such a stick in the mud Dashie, you never know unless we try." Pinkie said to her cyan friend. In case you were wondering how tall they were compared to me, I'm about as tall as a young child, they're all amazons that have to look down at me. They all average around 7 feet tall, except for alicorns. Celestia is about 9'5. Cliche it may be, after all they're beautiful horse women that want nothing but sex from you. However, that may be what THEY want, but it is something I don’t want. I want a genuine connection with someone I love, but you could be a hero with 24/7 pussy! I'd probably get bored after the first few weeks. Also, I don't want to be a hero because of my twig and berries. I'm not that conceited.

"Try what?" I asked in my deep voice, to me it sounded a bit higher pitched. I wonder why that is, I'll ask Twibrite later. Yes I do mean Twilight, she just gets flustered when I refer to her by other names and it's adorable.

Pinkie and Rainbow looked at me, then Rainbow flew up to me. "How did you hear us from so far away?" She demanded.

"You were the only two people speaking in the forest. Why I didn't hear you sooner is a complete mystery." I commented. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just here with Pinkie, she wanted to ask you something." Rainbow pointed to the pink confectioner.

I then looked at the pink party pony with the peculiar presence on my property. "Is something upsetting you Pinkie?"

"I was wondering, if you would come to my party for the-" The pink pony prattled.

"Nope." I cut her off.

"Aww, why not?" Pinkie asked.

"Because ponies, stare, poke, and prod. Plus, they think I'm an animal until I actually open my mouth. Then they're so shocked, and the thing is, it's the same ponies all the time, they have less of an attention span than you yourself and I don't think they actually commit me to any long term memory. Including, whenever Diamond Tiara is there she always tries to buy me."

"Oh, really?" Rainbow asked.

"Yep." I said popping the p. "It got real old too fast."

"Jeez, sorry." Rainbow apologized. I know she did nothing wrong but apologizing for the situation never hurts.

"Well it would help if they also didn't think I was a child, when physically, and emotionally, as old as your average adult." I sat on the bench on my front porch.

"Come on! I came all the way out to your spooky house to invite you." Pinkie said. "Don't make me beg!"

"My house is spooky?" I leaned forward from my seat to stare at the cabin I built with my own hands.

"It's dusty and there's spiderwebs in the windows." Rainbow shrugged.

"Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please." Pinkie got on her knees. "Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please."

"Okay FINE. Just stop saying please." I lamented.

"YAY!" Pinkie jumped up back to her hooves and hugged me tight. Practically suffocating me with her 36GGG breasts.

"Pinkie I think you're suffocating him." Rainbow Dash calmly pointed out, Pinkie stopped with the bear hug.

"Please don't do that again." I spoke after breathing in and out a few times.

"Sorry, Mickey." She smiled with that squee thing that they do when they're trying to act innocent or apologize. I don't know how they do that, in fact how do I hear it? I might just be going insane from being in the woods for too long.

"So is there anyone that I need to be worried about? Royalty or otherwise?" I asked. "Also do I need to dress fancy?"

Pinkie giggled. "Oh Mickey, you know I don't do those fancy shmancy canterloinian parties."

"Oh, right your parties are rated E for everyone." I sighed.

"Well until 11:00 then the foals go to sleep and we break out the hard cider." Rainbow mentioned. "But, you're usually gone by then, if you even show up at all."

"I have to work, if I'm not at the orchard then I'm doing a personal project." I said as my mind drifted off to something I have behind my house. I shook my head and looked back the duo on my porch.

"I swear you're the only pony-" Rainbow started.

"Person." I corrected.

"Person, that does more work than Applejack. Do you take ANY time off?" Rainbow asked as she got closer to my face.

"Yeah you just don't see me take time off." I said as I sat back down and grabbed some tools. "I need to finish this order. What time is the party?"

"It's at 7pm." Pinkie held out an invite that was just as pink as the mare herself.

"Put it in the mailbox." I nodded over to the old beaten metal mailbox.

"Jeez, how did it get like that?" Rainbow asked.

"The mailmare." I answered her inquiry.

"Oh, you mean Derpy?" Rainbow asked once more.

"Her name is Muffins, calling her that is just insulting." I took a mug of coffee that was resting next to the chair I was making and drank out of it. "Ew." I pour the coffee out onto the ground. "It's cold."

"I have a question just before we leave." Rainbow said.

"You always have questions about me." I pointed out.

"Point taken." She conceded. "You have coffee, which means you have water. My question is, where did you get the water?"

"There's a river about, say 250 feet that way." I pointed east. "I just put a pipe that flows in the same direction of the river to acquire water, there's also a machine inside the pipe that I had built that turns a tube in a circle fast enough that it creates a vortex allowing me to draw in water, I run the water through a filtration system in my house and there you go, clean drinkable water."

"What if an animal gets stuck in the pipe?" Pinkie asked.

"It's about as big around as a bit. Not many animals get stuck, but if they do I have a reserve tank of water around the back of my house." I answered her. "Now go, I'm sure I've wasted enough of your time already. You need to go prepare for your party or whatever, and I need to finish this up." I pointed at the chair.

"Alright, Grumpy we'll go." Pinkie said as she put the invitation in the mailbox. "But you better be on your best behavior at the party, and no swearing."

"Can I drink?" I asked.

"Just don't get drunk." Pinkie narrowed her eyes. If there's one thing about Pinkie other than loving parties is that she's very serious about them. I've got to respect that.

"Alright I won't. I promise." I said and Pinkie smiled.

"Okay then, come on Dashie we got more invites to hand out!" Pinkie said as skipped off.

"Bye Dashie!" I said as she flew over Pinkie's shoulder. When she heard that she just turned around and flipped me off. I chuckled and got back to working on the chair. There's still something bothering me about that encounter though. Why did they come all the way out here for just an invitation? You know what, I'm being a little too paranoid. It's probably just nothing.

Author's Note

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I already know people mostly call her Derpy but her official name is Muffins so that's what I'm going with.