To Tell the Truth

I was in this garden like ones I've seen in Canterlot. There was a big hedge 'round it, and no way in or out. And there, in the center, was that darn statue.

“How did your date go, Applejack?” His voice said. I'd had this dream too many times, it wasn't really him. Or I didn't think it was him. Or if it was him he couldn't do nothin' but read my mind, so as long as he stayed in my mind he was just a nuisance.

“Shove it.” I snapped. I might be stuck here till I woke up, that didn't mean I hadta be polite to Discord.

“That well? Don't worry, I know. Rainbow Dash's hooves were particularly eager tonight, weren't they?”

I didn't say nothin'.

“You were especially eager as well. That was one of the funniest parts.”

“Glad it gave ya' a laugh.” I said, glarin' at the statue.

“Oh, it did! And the look on her face when you told her again that you. . . how do you always put it? You aren't ready yet?”

I sighed. “I'm not. Dash loves me. She understands.”

“Of course. She understands that you don't want to have sex with her. That's all she needs to know, it gives her that delightful disappointed expression.”

“I do wanna be with her. I wanna make her understand, but. . .” I trailed off, cause there was really no use explainin' things to some voice in my head no matter how annoyin' he was.

“Let me finish that for you. 'But the Element of Honesty can't tell the truth'. You know, I've always suspected that they just handed those to the first ponies who came along. I shouldn't have bothered teaching you the failures of honesty, it turns out you built your life around the beauty of lies.”

“I'm not lyin!" I yelled. "I'm just not ready to tell her yet.”

“There seem to be a lot of things you're not ready for. You'll never be ready. It's for the best, really, you wouldn't want anything to overshadow your memories of that glorious first time.”

I couldn't take no more. I ran and bucked the statue, hard. It didn't do nothin', it never did. The statue wasn't real stone, it was somethin' from a dream.

He just went on, “I tip my hat to your uncle for sowing that seed. It just laid buried, waiting to grow into a wedge between you and anypony you'll ever love. I couldn't have done it better myself.”

I just fell down, cryin', 'til the alarm clock rang and pulled me back to the real world.

***

I hadta tell Rainbow Dash the truth.

It hurt to admit it. That here I was, Element of Honesty herself, and right in the middle of my life was a great big lie. I never told a lie 'bout it, not that it woulda worked if I tried since I'm so bad at lyin'. I just told the truth 'round it and let folks believe what they wanted.

But not tellin' the whole truth had made somethin' that sure looked like a lie. And now me and Dash had been datin' a few months, and I could see the lie gettin' bigger. Just like before, I never had to say nothin' that wasn't true, just had to let her think it.

She thought I was shy 'bout lettin' her touch me cause it was my first time. 'Cause I was careful 'bout stuff like that. And now that it'd been a couple months, I could see her startin' to think maybe I didn't want her that way, maybe I didn't think she was special enough for my first time.

None of that was true. She wasn't gonna be my first time. She missed that by more then a decade.

I was standin' in the farmyard watchin' for her when I saw her flyin' in fast. For the time bein' I pushed all of it to the back of my mind, where it belonged. It didn't belong here on Sweet Apple Acres, or in Ponyville, or in my life.

Dash landed in front of me with a grin. “Ready to go? I thought we'd race to Sugarcube Corner, loser buys the cupcakes.”

I grinned back. She made it so easy to forget. If there's one thing Dash knew how to do it was grab my attention and keep herself smack in the center of it. How could I not fall in love with that? It made up for an awful lot of her big head and bigger talk.

“Sure thing!” I answered before I could think.

“Great! Make sure you've got the bits.” She teased.

“Course I do. I'll be usin' them to get a drink since you'll be buyin' my cupcakes.”

“On your mark. . . get set. . .“

“Hold it.” I said, shakin' my head. I woulda much rather raced to Sugarcube Corner than have this talk. But I had to have this talk, and I had to do it before she got hurt. “Dash? I can't go to Sugarcube Corner right now. I gotta talk to ya' a bit, someplace private.”

“Is this a bad talk?” Dash asked, seemin' worried.

I didn't really know what to say. It was a real bad talk, but not the way she meant. She meant was I gonna break up with her, and that was the last thing I wanted to do.

“It's. . . Don't you worry, okay? Just let's find someplace and lemme say my piece.”

She didn't seem all that happy with my answer, but she walked with me towards the far orchards. She didn't even fly, and she brushed up against me, I guess tryin' to figure if I'd pull away. I didn't, I walked as close with her as I could. I wanted to feel her there.

I spent years hidin' from gettin' this close with anypony. But when Dash asked me out one day, I couldn't help givin' her a shot. She's pretty, anypony can see that. And we were best friends, and I trusted her all the way. If I was ever gonna be in love, I wanted it to feel like that.

Turns out it did feel like that. Everythin' was just the same, we still fought and played, but now there were rough kisses after a good game, and Dash's teasin' way of flirtin' smoothin' the edges off harsh words. I loved every second of it, and every darn day I looked forward to seein' her.

The only real problem was what I hadta talk to her 'bout today. Dash moved fast in datin' as much as anywhere else, and I knew I was tryin' her patience when two months in I still pulled away if her hooves moved to my flank. I had to make her see that it was tryin' my patience, too. That I loved kissin' her, and havin' her close, and I wanted more so bad. But soon as she got any farther back than my cutie mark it felt all wrong, and I had to pull away.

After a ten minute walk where neither of us said much of anythin', I went and sat down under a tree. I knew Mac was workin' on the other side of the farm, and there was nothin' 'round us but apple trees so Apple Bloom and her friends wouldn't show up.

Dash flew up in the air a little. I didn't mind so much. She was nervous, she liked to be ready to fly if she had to. I trusted her, she was my friend. She wouldn't fly away from me.

“So. Talking?” Dash said, rubbin' the back of her head with her hoof.

“It's 'bout me, and why I have trouble bein' close with you.” I looked down. I knew I was bein' foolish, but I felt so darn embarassed, my cheeks were red and I was fightin' back tears, and I hated it. I just wanted to be back at Sugarcube Corner, with my marefriend and a cupcake.

“O-kay. . .” She said, a little uncomfortable. I dunno whether that was cause she was worried 'bout a break up, or cause she wasn't real good with sharin' feelin's and stuff.

I took a deep breath. This was the time, and I knew the words, so I just had to spit 'em out for the first time in my life. “I. . . I was raped, Dash. So gettin' close to another pony is kinda-”

Dash went off like a firework before I could finish. Her eyes were wide and she was flyin' this way and that. “WHAT?! No way. When? Who? I'll kill 'em! How could somepony. . . I mean, you're as tough as me! Were you drugged or something?”

I just sat there, quiet. I couldn't fight with 'er for a chance to talk just now, I was pretty sure I'd start cryin'. I'd just have to wait for her to settle down.

She noticed for once. Her face went soft, and she flew right down to me and put a hoof on my shoulder. “Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I just. . . what happened?”

I looked down so my hat hid my face. “It was a while ago. A long time ago, really, when I was in Manehatten. My uncle. . . I don't really wanna talk 'bout this, Dash.”

Her mouth fell open, and she whispered, “You were just a little filly?”

I nodded and glanced up.

She looked for a second like she was gonna cry, but Dash don't like to cry anymore then I do. She grit her teeth and narrowed her eyes. “I'm. Gonna. Kill him. I'm gonna kill that sick bastard with my own hooves!”

I sighed, “Don't Dash. It was a long time ago, and I don't want nopony else to know. I just wanted you to know the reason I have trouble when we get close. It ain't cause I don't love ya.”

“No wonder you have trouble! AJ, I will never, ever push you. I'm totally here for you, however you need me. If you wanna talk about it, just tell me to shut up. And I'll never tell anypony, I promise.” She looked in my eyes, and I could see how sorry she was for me. “I love you, and it kills me that you had something like that happen to you. I just want to fix this, and I can't. But tell me anything I can do to make it better, it'll happen right away, no questions.”

I smiled a little. “Sugarcube, you already made it better. You were the rainbow that reminded me where my home was, where I could be safe and happy again. Without you, who knows how long. . . I'll never be able to repay ya', Dash.”

“If I could give up every sonic rainboom I ever did to make that not have happened to you, you know that I would.” She said, those pretty magenta eyes lookin' into mine. I could see she meant it with all her heart.

I pulled her into a hug. There was nothin' more I could say 'bout it, really. She hugged me back so tight I could feel her forelegs shakin'. It almost hurt, but it felt good to know somepony so strong loved me so much.

We held each other for a bit, but I'd spent too much of today on this already. I had to get back to my real life before I started thinkin' too much, so I whispered to her, “Can we race to Sugarcube Corner now?”

She pulled away, lookin' confused. “Are you sure you want to? I mean, whatever you want.”

“I wanna race ya' to Sugarcube Corner, I wanna have a fight 'bout who wins, I wanna see Pinkie Pie and whoever else stops by this evenin', and laugh and have a good time with my friends.” I said with a smile.

Dash was just starin' at me. “I can't believe you just. . . live with this.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Now, what else am I supposed to do?”

She blinked. “I- I don't know. So we just race to Sugarcube Corner like everything's normal?”

“Everythin' is normal.” I said with a shrug.

“It is.” She said soft, and I could see her piecin' it together. It happened before I met her, before I met most of my friends. Every time we'd talked, every adventure we'd gone on, every fight we'd had, I was livin' with it. Whatever she thought of me this was part of it, even if she never knew before.

“It's over, sugarcube. Been and gone. How ya' know me is how I am. You just know me a little better then anypony else now.”

She smiled, but it wasn't a real happy smile. “Yeah, thanks for trusting me.”

“I love ya'. Now, let's have us a race.” I grinned and got up, and stretched out some. “Don't you even think 'bout lettin' me win. I'm gonna beat ya' fair and square.”

She just nodded. “Okay.”

That worried me a bit. It wasn't like her to just let me say somethin' like that, not without talkin' smack back at me. But I didn't have time to think much on it, 'cause a second later she was in position, so I took mine beside her and nodded.

She took a breath. “On your mark. . . get set. . . go!”

***

After that I just went about my life like always. Most days, I never even thought about it. I got up, filled up my time with workin' or bein' with friends, and if I got some time to really think it was about how beautiful my farm was, or how much fun my life was. Most days I was one of the happiest ponies in Equestria, which is how I reckon it oughta be.

That's why what happened a few days later caught me so off guard.

Me and Mac were workin' together, stackin' barrels of apples in the barn. He was as good company as he always is, so you coulda heard a pin drop unless I got it in my head to tell him somethin', but I didn't mind much. That was just how workin' with my brother was, and I kinda liked it.

I set down a barrel and asked 'im, “Ya' hear from Braeburn recently?”

“Eeyup.” He said.

“How's he doin'?”

“Good.”

“How's the family?” I asked. I had to keep on askin' questions if I ever wanted to know anythin'.

Mac set down a barrel. “Good. His niece is goin' to stay in Manehatten like you did.”

I'd just loaded up another barrel on my back, but at that I froze. “With Aunt and Uncle Orange?”

“Eeyup.”

I turned so fast the barrel fell offa my back. “No! We gotta write and stop 'er!”

Mac looked at me like I lost my mind. “AJ, just cause the city wasn't for you, don't mean-”

“It ain't the city, Mac. It's Uncle Orange. He's-” I stopped. I couldn't say it, so I just said, “He ain't good folks. No filly oughta be stayin' with him. You gotta believe me, this is real important.”

“I believe ya'.” Mac said, still seemin' calm. “But ya' never said nothin' before, and I never heard nothin' like this from anypony else who stayed there.”

“Who else stayed there?” I said, feelin' my stomach churnin. We got such a big family, sometimes it's all ya' can do to say howdy to one pony before you're talkin' to somepony else. But if I'd heard any of my cousins were goin' there, I sure woulda said somethin'. Maybe not everythin', but somethin'.

“Well, Apple Fritter went a few years after you did, and Apple Tarty. Guess after that I kinda lost track. All them foals, ya' know.”

I was just starin' at him. Fritter and Tarty were just a few years younger then me. Likely I was too young for anypony to mention it when they went. And Mac was right, with all the foals in the family nopony could really keep track of who was doin' what and who all got their cutie marks.

And nopony knew not to send their fillies to stay with the Oranges. Nopony knew, cause I didn't say nothin'. Who knew how many of my cousins mighta been in that place with him, mighta been through what I went through, all because I was too scared to warn 'em. All I could do was pray to Celestia that I was the only one, that it only happened that one time. But I didn't have a lot of hope for that.

“Applejack? What's goin' on?” Mac looked so worried 'bout me it near broke my heart. I must've looked as scared as I felt.

I opened my mouth, but I couldn't make myself talk. If I told 'im, Mac was gonna feel awful. He was my big brother, he was supposed to keep stuff like this from happenin'. Not only that, but he'd think I was dumb for not sayin' anythin'. Especially now, when we'd just figured that any number of our folks mighta been in danger 'cause of me.

“I. . . I. . . I feel sick.” I said, and it was the truth.

I ran outta the barn to the bathroom in the house, and I threw up all my breakfast. Then I started to cry and I just couldn't stop. I laid down on the floor of the bathroom and it all came back to me like it happened yesterday.

He was so nice to me the whole time I stayed there. That night he was tellin' me how pretty I was and how grown up I seemed. But while he was talkin', he started puttin' his hooves on me, nudgin' me to sit closer to him. Then he told me we were gonna do something that'd make me real grown up. I started to get scared, and he said I was actin' like a little foal from Ponyville and not a sophisticated Manehattenite. So I did what he told me.

After, I couldn't stop cryin'. He said I was obviously too much of a baby for this, that I was real bad for makin' him think I was grown-up, and that anypony I told would know I was a bad girl cause I made him do this. I believed him 'cause I felt so dirty then, like I knew I'd done somethin' wrong.

When I got home, everypony was so proud of me for gettin' my cutie mark and takin' up farmin' that I just couldn't tell them, I couldn't let them be ashamed of me.

As I got older I got smart enough to see that it wasn't me who'd done somethin' wrong, that creep had lied to me on top of everythin' else. I felt like a fool for ever believin' him. I'd gone that long not tellin' anypony, and I figured if they never knew then they'd never see how dumb I'd been.

And none of that was any excuse for not tellin' the truth. I let down my family. I let other ponies get hurt the way I got hurt. I just wanted it all to go away so bad, and it was never goin' away. I couldn't see how I could ever look another pony in the eye, knowin' what I'd done.

But I couldn't stay in the bathroom forever. So I washed my face and hurried outside, callin' to Granny that I was gonna have a look at some trees in the south orchard. I'd been plannin' to do that tomorrow, but I couldn't go back to that barn and face Mac. He'd go back to askin' what happened, and I couldn't lie to him.

I couldn't lie, but I had years of practice at not tellin' the truth.