To Tell the Truth

It was that dream again. The garden with the statue. But this time there was no way I could take it, I was in no right state already. I ran 'round the edges, already knowin' there was no way out. Then he started laughin', so I backed up in a corner, as far away as I could get. Not that it helped nothin', he was just a voice and I could hear 'im perfectly anyhow.

“So how many, Applejack? How many ponies did you help him rape?” He said, seemin' particularly cheerful.

I couldn't say nothin'. Everythin' about the sentence made me sick.

He just went on in that sing-song voice of his. “Your own family, too. Your sweet little cousins. I bet he had fun with them.”

My eyes went wide, and I could barely breathe. I wanted to say somethin', I wanted to fight it, but he wasn't lyin' this time. He was just sayin' the awful, honest truth.

“And you sent them straight into his hooves. Without your stupidity, he would have been stopped ages ago.”

I swallowed hard and looked down.

“Oh I know!” he said. “You were waiting until Apple Bloom was old enough. You wouldn't want her to miss out on having her innocence ripped from her, like you and your cousins.”

I narrowed my eyes, and every muscle in my body twisted. I screamed out, “NO! I'd never let my baby sister anywhere near that city while that stallion's livin' there! If he even looked at her, I would kill 'im to stop him from thinkin' it! I never woulda let my cousins near him, neither. . . I didn't know. . . I didn't know.”

“Well why don't you tell them that? 'Sorry, Apple Fritter, if I had known you were going to stay in Manehatten I would have mentioned that Uncle Orange likes to rape fillies. You should have told me!'”

“I shoulda known,” I said, soft, answerin' myself more than him.

“Oh, you knew. Somewhere deep inside you were gambling the safety of your family, of any little filly he might come across, against your own comfort.”

“I was.” I whispered, lookin' down.

“You lost,” he said, seemin' right happy 'bout it. “There was no safety for them, and there will never be any comfort for you. Tough luck, isn't it?”

I was fightin' back tears, but it wasn't any use. I saw one hit the ground.

“Oh don't cry, Applejack. None of this is your fault.”

I just bit my lip. “Yeah, it is.”

“I know.” He said, then he burst out laughin'.

***

For a few days I made myself real busy round the farm. I had to, I couldn't talk to another pony in the state I was in. So I got things done I'd been puttin' off, and I got us ahead on a few things that didn't need doin' for a few months yet. Any time anypony said a word to me, I just told 'em how busy I was. And it was the honest truth, but only 'cause I made sure of it.

I spent those days just thinkin'. I was a stupid, selfish pony, and I felt like Equestria would be better off if I could just find farm work to do forever, so I'd never meet another pony who I could let down or hurt. Even better if I just disappeared and everypony forgot I existed. Then they'd never even know how much wrong I did. And maybe I'd never know it, either.

It took some time for me to get myself straightened out. I'd done somethin' real bad, maybe the worst thing I could think of doin'. I couldn't make no excuses for it. But I took care of my friends, and my family here on the farm. Those folks counted on me all the time, and I'd never let 'em down.

And I sure couldn't start now. Since I wasn't gonna disappear, and I was gonna run outta work 'round here in due time, I had to go back to bein' myself, bein' a good sister and a good friend. Otherwise I'd be just a sorry waste of space, puttin' harm out in the world with no good behind it.

So the next mornin' I told Mac I'd help him out with the plowin'. I told him I'd been down lately but not to trouble himself about it. Since I seemed happy and smilin' that mornin' he let it go for the time bein'.

Then that afternoon I took Winona to the Pony Pet Play Date at the park. Everypony was there when I got there, and they all seemed pleased to see me so I put on a nice smile for 'em.

“Applejack! We didn't think you'd be able to make it, you've been so busy lately.” Twilight said, smilin'.

I could see Owlowiscious in the air with Dash and Tank. Dash seemed to be tryin' to train 'em to do some kinda formation while they flew, but I don't think the critters were as into it as she was. I had to chuckle.

“I sure have, but I'd never let you girls down.” I whipped a stick for Winona, and she ran and brought it back to me. I went on playin' fetch while I talked to Twilight. “What've y'all been up to?”

“The usual.” She said with a shrug. “We went to the spa yesterday. Well, all of us except for Rainbow Dash.”

“Hey, tough ponies don't go to spas.” Dash said as she landed by us, givin' up on Tank and Owlowiscious.

“I never would have expected a tough pony to be so afraid of a hooficure.” Rarity said, rolling her eyes from the blanket on the ground where she was brushin' Opal.

“I'm not afraid-” Dash started.

“Then go on and get one next time.” I teased her. “I'll pay.”

“I don't like ponies touching my hooves! These babies are part of a carefully calibrated system of aerodynamic perfection. You don't mess with calibrating.”

I chuckled. “I probably couldn't argue with that even if I knew what all them words meant.”

“Don't worry, Applejack.” Twilight smiled. “Dash doesn't know all of those words either. I'm pretty sure she meant 'calibration.'”

While Dash pouted, Twilight went on. “Oh, I meant to tell you, we got a new western in at the library! I brought it for you, if you'd like to read it.”

“That's real nice of you.” I said.

Twilight used magic to pull it outta her bag, “It's about this doctor from the big city who moves out west. It look-”

“I told you, she doesn't wanna read that one.” Dash said to Twilight with a nervous glance to me.

“What're you talkin' about?” I asked, confused. “It sounds like a fine book.”

“You don't wanna read it, AJ. Just trust me.” She said real quiet.

I rolled my eyes. “Twi, just gimme the book. I dunno what's got into Dash.”

The book landed in my hoof, and when I saw it I knew what got into Dash. The title was “Manehattenite in Mustango.” and Dash was lookin at me all worried like I was gonna fall down cryin' right there. I admit some bad things came to mind, but I got used to that years ago. Sometimes ponies were gonna mention that city, and I couldn't let it kick me in the face every time.

I just shoved those thoughts back for the time bein' and smiled at Twilight. “Thank ya, this looks like a good read.”

She smiled, pleased with herself, and I felt good for that. But Dash still looked worried, and I realized that she really had been lookin' out for me. I felt kinda bad for makin' her worry like that, so I set the book aside and nuzzled her cheek.

“Ya' got time to walk me home later?” I said.

“I was planning on it.” She grinned. “I gotta make sure you get home safe.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Safe? Between Ponyville. . . and Sweet Apple Acres?”

“Yeah. You never know. . .” A bit of worry seemed to cross her face.

“Dash, I'm pretty sure the most dangerous thing that ever happened 'long that road was a stampede of cattle, and if that ever happens again I don't think you'll be much help with herdin'.” I pointed out.

She just smiled. “Doesn't matter. I'm coming with you.”

“Okay then.” I said, since that's what I asked her to do anyhow. Then I heard Pinkie call my name.

Me and Dash both trotted over to where she was gigglin', and Fluttershy was tryin' to decide whether to worry or giggle. Seems Winona was tryin' to herd Angel onto a blanket, and Angel was givin' her the funniest looks. He didn't seem none too pleased bein' bossed 'round by a dog, but Winona wasn't lettin' up, and all us ponies got a good laugh outta the scene.

The rest of the afternoon went like that, playin' with the critters, laughin', havin' a good time. I was the friend my friends needed me to be, and it felt good. My friends needed me like this, and to be honest I wanted to feel like this all the time. I wished life was always this way.

No matter how hard I wished it, it was a lot more complicated than that. As me and Dash headed for home that afternoon, all the things I'd been not thinkin' bout started sneakin' back in.

Dash was quiet and walkin' next to me with Tank sleepin' on her back, or whatever it is he does inside that shell. Winona was walkin' next to me, and I was just thinkin'. Thinkin' 'bout my cousins and 'bout my friends. What if one of my friends had gone to Manehatten, had somehow got caught up with my uncle? It was bad 'nough with it bein' my kin, if somehow I'd made it so he'd hurt Pinkie or Fluttershy, I think I'd just lay down and die.

“Are you okay, AJ? Is there something I can do?” Dash asked, and I realized I'd been lookin' at the ground, kinda sad.

“I'm. . . I'm havin' some troubles. Don't go worryin' none, I'll get by.”

“You can tell me. You know you can talk to me.” Dash said, real soft. She'd been actin' like that all day, which was weird, but I had a bigger mess to worry 'bout.

But she was right. I could talk to her. She was the only pony who knew, I wasn't used to there bein' anypony out there to talk to. And since she knew, she'd work it out sooner or later. Even if she never found out 'bout my cousin, she'd work out that there coulda been other fillies, and that I never warned nopony. Best to tell her now, let her outta this mess if she wanted out. I'd understand if she never wanted to talk to me again when she knew.

“Dash, I gotta tell ya', you deserve better than me for a marefriend.” I said, plain.

“No way,” she said, shakin' her head. “I have the best marefriend ever. If this is about fooling around, I don't even ca-”

“It ain't about that. I- I did somethin' real bad. I'm sorry.” I looked down. “I'm so sorry, but that don't change nothin', it don't change what I did.”

“What did you do?” She said, worried.

“I never told nopony what happened. You were the first pony I ever told. And I found out a few days ago that some of my cousins went to Manehatten, and stayed with him, and. . . oh Celestia, I'm sorry” I muttered. I tried not to start cryin', and my heart hurt so bad I thought it would stop.

“Oh AJ.” Dash pressed right up next to me, and we both stopped walkin'. She nuzzled my face and whispered. “You didn't know.”

“I shoulda known. I shoulda thought he might. . . that he could still be. . . I can't keep on like this, I gotta make sure everypony knows, but I can't tell what happened to me.”

“AJ, you should tell somepony. You should go to the guards in Manehatten.” Dash said, seemin' more gentle with that than she had any reason to be.

“How am I supposed to do that without tellin' my family or the girls? I can't just drop by Manehatten and mention it to the guards, folks'll notice if I leave town. And if they went and did somethin' about it I'd have to say somethin' in court. Then everypony in the world would know how dumb I was, how it mighta let him. . . rape other fillies, and how it's my fault if he did.”

“You weren't dumb, you went through something that would totally mess up anypony. Everypony is gonna see that right away.” She said, and she looked real sorry for me.

I just stared at her. “You think I'm messed up. . .”

“I know you're messed up,” she said, like it was nothin'. “You love me and you can't let me touch you. You think ponies are going to blame you for stuff that monster did to other fillies. You had one of the most messed up things in the world happen to you and you kept it inside for most of your life. It's okay to be messed up by this. I know that, everypony knows that.”

“I ain't messed up!” I snapped at her. “I got a normal life, and nopony could even guess what I been through. I just wanna keep it that way, Dash. I want it to go away.”

“You can't tell the truth to any of your family or friends. For you, that means that you're messed up pretty bad. I want to make it go away too, but you're the only one who can let everypony know how evil this guy is. You have to tell ponies.” She pointed out.

But I couldn't tell other ponies. Or I could, but it hurt so much to try to do it. I tried to come up with words to make her understand.

Finally, I took a breath. “He made me have to tell other ponies. I didn't wanna tell you, I wanted to go to Sugarcube Corner and get a cupcake. But I had to tell ya'. . . it's one more thing he made me do.” I looked her in the eye. “I want him to stop makin' me do things, Dash.”

Dash looked surprised at that. Even though she held my stare, she hesitated before she said, “I- I'm sorry. You didn't have to tell me. I trust you, and if you didn't want me to touch you, whatever reason you had, I should have been cool with it. You don't have to tell anypony else, ever. You don't have to go to the guards. I totally won't judge you.”

“Thanks.” I said, givin' her a nuzzle.

“But we still should find a way to stop him- without you telling.” She added. “It's gonna hurt you until we do.”

I nodded. “You're right.”

She was quiet a while, leanin' her head against mine. Then she whispered, “You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, but. . . would you think about telling the girls? Just think about it. And only do it if you want to. But you know they'll all feel like I do, you know none of them will judge you. And they might be able to help us think of something.”

“And if they hate me? Then what'll I do?”

She ran a hoof down my cheek. “Then I'll stand by you, no question. And they won't hate you. If you don't wanna be messed up, you have to trust me on that. Our friends love you, and they'll feel awful that it happened to you, and they'll try to help however they can, but they will. Not. hate you.”

Somewhere in me, I knew she was right. But it seemed so impossible. How could anypony think I was a good pony when they found out? But Dash did, and I was pretty sure she was right.

“I'll think about it, Dash. I really will, I promise.”

“Okay. But you only do it if you want to. Nopony will ever make you do anything you don't want to, ever again. I'll make sure of it.” She flashed me that amazin' smile.

“Thanks, sugarcube.” I said, smilin' back at the pony I was too darn lucky to have at my side.