Lee Ain't About That Dry Life
Ask anyone about Lee, and they'll tell you that he's a happy-go-lucky kinda guy. He loves to hang out with his mates, play video games, help those in need and is an all around upstanding guy. Surprisingly, his sudden and mysterious transportation to Equestria did nothing to faze him, and his attitude thankfully remained unchanged.
Though, he did initially believe that someone had spiked his drink, and, upon realising that he was actually stuck in another world, he threw a bit of a tantrum, but I digress. Basically, Lee is a great guy and you should all want to be his friend.
Especially if you have alcohol. What kind of alcohol, you may ask? Well, to him, there is no specific kind of alcohol. Alcohol is alcohol. He'll drink anything you give him. Anything at all. Anything that can even bring him to the point of intoxication, he shall drink and he shall drink it all. He's good at downing things, you see.
As it stands as of this moment, Lee was currently enjoying himself at a party organised by his equine friends, specifically the one known as Pinkie Pie. Her actual job and talent was to organise parties, and upon being told this, the two had immediately bonded, as both loved to party hard.
What was a surprise, however, was the fact that Lee had also managed to befriend the resident introvert, Fluttershy. The two found each others company enjoyable, and oftentimes Lee was found helping the mare out at her cottage, tending to her animals. A talent of Lee's is being great with animals, because, as we know, he's a baller. What Lee didn't know, however, was that Fluttershy secretly had feelings for him, but she'd yet to find a way to express these feelings vocally to the man.
As the saying goes: All men want to be like Lee, and all women want to be with Lee.
The night was in full swing, and Lee was enjoying himself immensely. Truly, Pinkie had made good on her word of "being the best party planner ever!" Looking down at his cup, Lee was dismayed to find it empty, having already drank its contents a minute ago. Turning around, he spotted his prize; a table loaded with bottles upon bottles of alcoholic goodness. With a smile, he waltzed over to the table, picking up an empty bottle and -
"Empty?" Questioned Lee, tipping the bottle upside down to ensure that it was, in fact, lacking any alcohol. With an annoyed grunt, he Kobe'd the useless container of liquid into a bin, with a nearby pony declaring that he'd scored three points. Good going Lee. Picking up another bottle, he repeated the same process, and was upset to find yet another empty bottle. "Ah mate, you're havin' a laugh." Quickly becoming distraught, he began picking up bottle after bottle. It took him but a few moments to come to the heartbreaking conclusion that there was, in fact, no longer any alcohol. "Nah fam, I ain't about this dry life."
Turning on the spot, he narrowed his eyes in search of a certain apple farming pony, the one whose cider he'd heard was one of the best drinks the ponies' had to offer. It took him a few moments, but he finally spotted Applejack in the corner, conversing with a few unfamiliar ponies. Looking to her side, he noticed a number of apple based foods. Whilst he couldn't spot any drinks on the table in which she was standing beside, he was sure that she could easily whip up a drink somewhere.
He was by her side within moments. Noticing a dark shadow suddenly appearing over her, the mare looked up to find Lee's unshaven face looming over her, a hint of desperation in his eyes.
"Well howdy pardner, wha' can ah do yer' for?" Applejack asked, nodding her head to the nearby foodstuffs. Lee was not in the mood to eat. He was in the mood to drink. Before she could react, Lee reached over her head, grabbed a pair of apples and held them up to her face.
"There ain't any drinks left, and I'm thirsty. Mind makin' these into some of that lit cider I hear you're great at makin'?" Lee asked, his smile wide and hopeful. Looking to the apples, and then back to Lee, she shook her head, offering him a sad smile.
"No can do, pardner. Ah' ain't got mah' tools, they're back at the farm." Lee was having none of this, however, and his smile went from hopeful to deranged, gritting his teeth in determination and shoving the apples into her muzzle, much to her annoyance.
"I don't think you understand, Texas horse. When there's a party with drinks, it's a party. When there's a party with no drinks, then it's no longer a party. So unless you want Pinkie to throw a bitchfit over the fact that you're messin' with her party, MAKE MORE CIDER!" He growled, his face now inches away from Applejack's. The mare was not one to back down, however, and returned Lee's glare.
"Now jus' wait a second, pardner. Ah told ya' that ah' ain't got the tools, ah'n ah can't make no cider! Ah' can't just use some schmancy fancy magic to summon up no cider now can ah'?" Applejack remarked, the two now pressing their foreheads against one another. With an annoyed grunt, Lee took a sudden step back away from the mare and turned around, trying to think of another way of getting some easy booze whilst Applejack promptly fell flat on her face. Picking herself up off of the floor, Applejack glared at the back of Lee's head. "Ya' know, ya' could always jus' run down to the store and get some?" This suggestion from the farmer struck a chord with Lee, who, after a few moments of thinking, nodded to himself, before turning back around.
"Great idea, Tex'." And with that, Lee left his apple harvesting friend to rub her sore muzzle and to take the orders of her customers, who had now been waiting in line for the past few minutes and weren't happy about being kept waiting. Suffice to say, Applejack received no extra tips that day. Unlucky.
It took him a while to get out of Sugarcube Corner, what with the fact that he had to push his way through a rather large crowd, and having to give a valid excuse to Pinkie, who had been trying adamantly to get him to stay, to let him leave. In the end, she let him leave only after he 'Pinkie promised' to return immediately after he had acquired his booze. To him, that was a win-win deal, as not only would he get more alcohol, but he would also get to continue partying through the night, hangover be damned.
The only problem Lee faced right now, however, was that he had no clue where the stores were, and that stressed him out to no ends. Why, you may ask? Well, it's not the fact that he didn't know where they were that was stressing him out. Lee was like a bloodhound, and would probably be able to smell the alcohol a mile away. No, what stressed him out right now was the fact that he was on a timer. It would seem that, by Equestrian law, any and all alcohol mustn't be sold past 11PM.
And as it stood right now, the time was 10:54. Lee had six minutes to find the nearest store that sold alcohol, and he had no clue where the nearest one was. So Lee did what Lee did best, and made himself sound like an annoying retard.
"OI, ANYONE KNOW WHERE A GUY CAN GET SOME GOOD DRINKS AROUND HERE?" He screamed out into the night, a few passing ponies letting out startled yelps, before turning to glare at the boisterous resident human. He received an answer a few moments later from pony with a harp as her Cutie Mark, who, try as she might, couldn't rip her eyes away from his hands. Quite a coincidence, seeing as how Lee's job on Earth was of being a handy man.
"The nearest store that sells good alcohol in Ponyville is around the corner, just over there," Lyra points out with her hoof, Lee listening intently, "but you should already know that the store's clos-" Whatever it was that she was going to say was cut off by Lee dashing off into the night, leaving a bewildered Lyra behind, her hoof still outstretched. Were she in modern day Germany, she'd probably be arrested.
Following her directions to the letter, Lee soon found running down one of the many streets of Ponyville, before finding himself staring upon the building of his dreams. The store. The store that, within, held the rewards of his ten minute quest. With a smile on his face and joy in his heart, he reached for the door handle and pulled. And pulled. And then pulled again. Narrowing his eyes, Lee quickly came to the conclusion that the door must be a push door. What a twat. So he pushed the door and was met with the same result.
"Why ain't this door openin'? Who designs a door that don't open?" Deciding to do some investigating on this impossible door, he inspected every part of it as if he were Sherlock Holmes, but with a Cockney accent and half the I.Q. Eventually, his search resulted in two things. Firstly, he was a twat. Secondly, the door was locked, which explained its refusal to open. Now he just had to figure out why on Earth it was locked in the first place. He found the answer even quicker this time, spotting the rather conspicuous "Store Closed!" sign in front of him. Looking at his watch, his face fell upon noticing the time.
11:01. He was too late. He could see the alcohol through the store window, just awaiting their alcoholic knight in shining armour to rescue them from their refrigerated prison. With a scream of rage that could shatter glass, which, it didn't, by the way, because Lee didn't want to be paying any fines for vandalism, he turned from the store and began his lethargic and depressing walk back to the party. Maybe, just maybe, there was something left to drink.
When he finally returned to Sugarcube Corner, he noticed that there was a significant increase in attendance, the crowd having grown since he'd left. Lee didn't care, however, as he was still trying to recovering from the heartbreaking reality that he was going to have to remain sober for the rest of the night. He'd truly reached rock bottom. Making his way over to the other side of the room, he took a seat on an unoccupied sofa that Pinkie had brought out earlier in the day in preparation for the party. He didn't remain alone forever though, as he soon found himself joined by another of his good friends.
"H-hi Lee." Turning to his side, he realised that Fluttershy had taken a seat next to him, and was giving him a friendly smile. Nodding to the mare, he turned back around to his brooding. This didn't go unnoticed by Fluttershy, and her motherly attitude immediately kicked in. "Are you alright? Do you feel unwell? Was there something in the drink? Do you want to go out with me-" As was the case with Lyra before her, Fluttershy was interrupted by a loud, distressing cry from Lee, who launched himself up from the couch in rage.
"THERE'S NO FUCKIN' DRINKS!" Lee roared, his emotions finally getting the better of him. He'd managed to keep it in for so long, but no man can hold in such a fiery anger in forever. His cries of anger soon attracted a crowd, and attracted the attention of a certain mare in particular.
"Are you alright?" Turning to the voice, still seething, Lee found himself looking upon a pony with a yellow coat and a fiery mane, looking at him with concern and curiosity in her eyes. He recognised the mare from one of Rainbow's posters. This was Spitfire, the captain of the famous Wonderbolts team. Calming himself down for the moment, for a gentleman like Lee must never take his anger out on a beautiful mare like her - a celebrity no less - he took a deep breath.
"Nah, I'm absolutely livid. There ain't any more booze to drink here, and when I went to the store to get some a few minutes ago, the place was already shut." Lee explained, wiping away his tears of anger and crossing his arms like an angry child. "I mean, who even closes at 11? That's, like, when the parties start." Lee added, kicking at the ground. Raising an eyebrow at the human in front of her, Spitfire raised an inquisitive eyebrow.
"You do realise that the stores close at 10, right?" Hearing this, Lee froze. His right eye twitching, he looked her in the eyes, unconsciously taking a step forward.
"What'd you say, faggot?" He asks, his anger beginning to take hold once again. Ignoring what was most likely an insult, the mare repeated what she'd just said.
"I said they close at 10. Like come on, who doesn't know that they close at-" For the third time that night, Lee had silenced a speaking mare. This time, however, he did it physically. Having now found out that, even if he had reached the store before 11, it would've been closed anyway, Lee was even more angrier than before. In his rage, he'd started screaming again, and wildly throwing punches. One of those left hooks had managed to connect with Spitfire's muzzle, and the unlucky mare was sent flying backwards into her companions, who barely managed to catch her.
Unfortunately for Lee, but fortunately for the rest of the building and crowd, Lee's feral rage was finally placated. By Lee being knocked out. You see, Rainbow Dash had been in the crowd as well when Lee began to go wild, and, seeing her idol and crush being knocked out, the arrogant rainbow maned mare launched herself at Lee, and her hoof managed to connect with the side of his head. The blow was so powerful, in fact, that Lee was sent flying backwards into the same table that Applejack's foodstuffs were on. The mare herself was also stood next to it, and, when the manlet known as Lee crashed through the table, she had no time to react before both she and Lee were buried underneath all of the apple themed foods.
Unlucky.
A few hours later and Lee regained consciousness in Ponyville hospital. Thankfully, he'd suffered no permanent brain damage. Then again, you can't damage what's already damaged. Still, he was left bedridden for a while, as, whilst his head was surprisingly alright, his legs were not, and the impact with the table managed to fracture both of his legs. All in all, it wasn't the best party he'd been to, but it wasn't the worst either.
We don't talk about the one where he and his mate Braden got locked in a closet for 7 minutes.
Still, it wasn't that bad. For a start, he received visitors almost daily, ranging from Fluttershy to Rainbow, surprisingly, with the latter apologising profusely for what she'd caused, and the former bringing him homemade food and well-wishes. He also got a letter from Spitfire, the mare that he'd accidentally decked, saying that she wasn't angry with him at all, and that she was impressed with how hard he hit, the mare having written that his punch was, "the hardest thing you'd ever be able to give me." With Lee being Lee, he didn't notice that what was a compliment was also a third degree burn.
Absolutely devastating.
And, to top it off, he finally got the alcohol that he so desperately wanted. After the party, Applejack returned to her farm and got around to making some more cider just for Lee. What a legend. The staff at the hospital that day, however, were not impressed to find an intoxicated Lee screaming that he was "staying put" in the hospital, and that he was never going to leave. Even when he sobered up, he still tried to keep his promise. He did vacate the hospital in the end, though, but only after they threatened to refer him to rehab.
How a rehab for ponies would work for a guy like Lee would be interesting, but that's a different story for a different day.
Author's Note
I have exams on Monday, and this is how I've spent half of my weekend.
Fuck my Discords.
