“Empusa. Goddess of Order.” Said Discord, fear creeping into his voice.

“Now, who the hay is that?” Shouted Applejack.

“It’s the villain that the author has written for this fanfiction, my dear Applejack. Although, if we’re going to stay away from being meta for the time being then I suppose I should take you back to the creation of the universe. Contrary to what you may believe of my nature, I am not the Lord of Chaos. I am chaos itself. I work on a scientific principle called quantum mechanics, where everything is random chance. I am quite simply an avatar for this chaos.

“You ponies are not beings of order at all. In fact, Celestia, the most ordered being in this supercluster of galaxies is harmony incarnate. Not a representative of it, it just so happens that a thousand years of bearing the full brunt of the elements has shifted her to that side. Luna, remember when she suggested Project Everfree?”

“Why, yes. But how could you have known that Discord? You were trapped in stone!”

“That will be explained later. But, Lulu, would the High Empress of the Giant Gas Ball in the Sky be willing to create a similar project now, had the current one not been conceived?”

Luna pondered this question. “No, I suppose not.” She looked over to Celestia, who nodded solemnly. “Then, are the Elements not as benevolent as we thought?”

Discord chuckled. “Oh, don’t be ridiculous. The elements are the most benevolent items in the universe. On a grand scale. They strive to make Celestia’s ideals true, but Celestia’s ideals are only this way because she’s been affected for so long. To be quite honest, I didn’t think that the elements were truly harmonious until the final battle with Tirek.” He turned to the bearers, body still facing the other princesses in a kind of gruesome contortion of his body.

“Your Rainbow Power, remember with all of your chaotic mane and wing colours and styles? That was the Tree of Harmony telling me that there was chaos in it. That’s when I truly felt like I missed out on the opportunity by rejecting Laughter and Magic.” He sighed. “I need to apologise to her. But at the same time, if any of Equestria is to survive, I need to kill her.”

“Discord, what are you saying?” Asked a wide and teary-eyed Fluttershy.

Discord looked at her dead in the eyes and repeated. “I am going to have to kill her.”

Celestia stood into a defensive position, murder in her eyes. “Discord, you will not kill Empusa. Not after what you were going through when we met. I will not have a friend go through this kind of mental torture.”

Discord looked at Celestia and laughed. “No, but you see? Now that I know Empusa put me through this intentionally, she’s no longer one that I care for. As Dr. Seuss put it, ‘Those who mind don’t matter; those who matter don’t mind.’ I’m not going to throw away my remaining sanity to be crushed over and over again in the jaws of godly depression. I have friends who actually care for me now. At least ten. Maybe some more of Ponyville. I know that Granchesterday has probably helped me a lot more in the eyes of the citizens of Equestria. I ramble. The important thing is for me to find and kill her, and while this will have unforeseen consequences, our universe will probably stay relatively safe.”

“What do you mean relatively safe?” Asked Twilight.

“More importantly,” Rainbow interjected, “what do you mean by our universe?”

“Well, Rainbow, thanks for asking. Our universe is just one among many different universes, each with slight variations. Each of these universes are connected to each other through works of fiction. To put it in simpler terms, this means that if A.K. Yearling was just A.K. Yearling, and Daring Do was just a fictional character, the universes would still be connected, since Miss Yearling would be writing works of fiction. Now, this universe is connected to fifteen separate universes through written works on what is called a website. Hence why me and Pinkie sometimes seem to talk to an unknown audience, we’re referencing the author.”

“How do you know that it’s a written work?” Asked Spike.

“Because I said it is. Since I’m being written this way, I must be written. Now, I know for a fact that one of the universes are being stupid and putting this into film. But now you know where I get all of my inside jokes. And, also Pinkie.” He looked at her with a toothy grin on his face. “Sorry, bub.”

“That’s all fine.” Said Twilight, not fully recovered from the existential crisis Discord sent her through. “But what do you mean about the universe being relatively safe?”

“Simple. It will be safer compared to when Empusa is here, trying to shove anything and everything into nothing. You know black holes, right Luna?”

“Yes. They’re such a neusance to me.”

“That’s her final goal. The entire universe, a singularity.” Discord shuddered. “Thankfully this can only be truly accomplished without me, but she can still get pretty damn close.”

“Well, Discord, what are you waiting for? Go teleport to her and defeat her.” Celestia deadpanned.

“It’s not that simple, Princess.” Discord stated.

“It never is…” mumbled Twilight.

“You see, there is such a large amount of concentrated order that my chaos cannot be used to teleport. I can still do things like this.” He said, snapping his fingers and turning the doors into elephants, before changing them back. “But as far as that, simple acts of chaos are as far as I can go.”

“Then why do you have an orchestra playing Beethoven’s 5th?” Asked Pinkie.

“Not even simple is simple with me. You of all ponies should know that Pinkie Pie, what with your knowledge of the void.”

“Beethoven’s 5th? What the hay does that mean?” Asked Applejack.

“Oh AJ, it’s a famous classical symphony from one of the universes I talked about. In another universe, it’s the name of a terrible catastrophe played by a symphony.” He sighed. “What a terrifying work of art.”

Pinkie Pie started to twitch before she started to bounce around the room and shriek. “I can’t sit idly!” She froze, only her mouth moving. “No, I can’t move at all! I curse the name. The one behind it all.”

Discord facepalmed. Pawed? Clawed?

“Facepalmed works fine.” Said Discord.

Damn you, fourth wall. Anyway, Discord facepalmed. “Pinkie, we went a bit too far with that reference. We don’t want this to violate the rule about copyrighted lyrics.”

“But Discooord!” She whined. “Fan works can’t be copyrighted, or they break the fair use contract! It’s well known copyright law in most of the Western World!”

“Better safe than sorry.” Discord concluded to the stunned looks at all.

“Discord, dear, since when have you been cautious?” Asked Rarity.

“If you knew who, what, or why I was, you would know that I am the physical manifestation of chaos. This means that, in addition to being purely fair, I am also equally likely to be anything at any given time. The fact that I have emotions skews things a little, but that allows for more ways to be off the walls bananas!” He exclaimed as bananas started falling from the ceiling.

“That’s all well and good, Discord, but shouldn’t you be off to save Equestria?” Asked Princess Celestia.

“I might. Other than protecting my nature, and the ponies I care about, offer me one incentive to do this job and I’ll consider doing it.” Discord replied.

“I’ll add another two days to Granchesterday, and I’ll make it The Granchester Long Weekend.”

“If you think I can, that's my plan!” Discord yelled, inexplicably donning a purple top hat. “Now follow, my friendly followers, follow!”

Pinkie chuckled. “Didn’t expect a reference to Tim Toiler, of all references.”

“Who?” Asked Spike.

“You’ll know soon enough. In the meantime, cupcake?”

Author's Note

Tim Toiler (as pictured)

Is a character from Scooby Doo: First Frights which was released for PS2, Nintendo DS and Wii. I owned (and still own) my PS2 copy. Tim ends up being behind the toy robot terrorising the amusement park in episode 2 of the game.

I don't know why I thought of that reference when I did.