Hangbow Smash on Line Two
Hangbow Smash on Line Two
Starlight smiled at Trixie through the glass of her radio booth. “Well, Trixie, who’s our next caller?”
Trixie looked up from her magazine. “We have a caller from Ponyville on line two, he says he’s having trouble with his marefriend.”
“Not for long he isn’t.” Starlight adjusted her headphones, pulled her chair closer to the microphone, and pressed the button on her switchboard to connect the call. “Hello, caller. I’m listening.”
A scratchy voice came through her headphones. “Uh, hi, Starlight. Thanks for talking to me.”
Starlight frowned. That voice sounds familiar. “Of course.”
“My name is, uh… Hangbow Smash.”
Starlight’s face fell. Oh. She looked at Trixie to see her friend and producer stifling a giggle. “Well, then, ‘Hangbow’, what can we help you with?”
The caller – which Starlight could now decisively identify as Rainbow Dash lowering her voice in a very poor impression of a stallion’s – coughed and cleared ‘his’ throat. “I’ve been having some problems with my marefriend. I don’t know if this relationship is gonna work.”
“Really, now?” Starlight rolled her eyes and slumped to the side, resting her head on her hoof. “Why is that?”
“I can be pretty brash and forceful, and she’s really quiet and meek. Except I don’t do romance stuff well, so we can both kinda be quiet on dates.”
“You don’t say?” Starlight muttered. Starlight saw Trixie snort and laughed out loud in the protective silence of her producer booth. Lucky you. “How long have you two known each other?”
“Since we were fillies. But we’ve always been very different ponies. I really do love her, but maybe she would be better off with someone more like her. What do you think I should do?”
Starlight sighed. “Well, that really depends on you. If you actually think you and Fluttershy have a future, you should try and improve yourself and make this work.”
“Huh?”
“Self-improvement is a long process, but it’s worth it. You—”
“My girlfriend isn’t Fluttershy.”
Starlight suppressed an annoyed grunt. “What’s her name, then?”
“Um… Mufflefly.”
“Sure it is.”
“Is it!”
“Okay, cut the act, Rainbow, we all know it’s you!” Starlight snapped. “And these kinds of defensive reactions to open displays of emotion are why you’re afraid of your own feelings. Just be open to yourself and others for once and stop putting on that self-aggrandizing pride show for yourself you call ‘awesomeness’.”
Starlight slammed her hoof on the button to cut the line. She shook her head before leaning to the mic again. “And if you’re still listening, ‘Hangbow’, next time pick an actual alias and not some stupid made-up name a foal signs their Hearts and Hooves Day card with. Try a better voice, too!”
Starlight took a deep breath and put on a pleasant smile. “Trixie, do we have another caller?”
“We do. We have Rainbow Dash on line three, she wants you to know that wasn’t her.”
Starlight snapped her head to stare at Trixie. Trixie smirked and pressed the button to put the call through.
“Uh, Starlight?”
Starlight swallowed. “Yes, Rainbow?”
“Yeah, that wasn’t me. Hangbow lives down the street from Sugarcube Corner, his marefriend Mufflefly is an assistant at the mayor’s office. Also, I’m not gay. I mean, Fluttershy is awesome, and I’d go for her if I swung that way, she’s a great catch. But I ain’t gay. Just FYI.”
Trixie grinned. “Ooo, what a plot development. Starlight, anything to say to any former callers who may be listening?”
Starlight gave a forced smile and put her hoof on the cut call button. “Well, I’m sure that if Hangbow is listening, he’ll understand that I am friends with Rainbow Dash, who is fond of pranks, and given the similarities in name and voice I thought Rainbow was just playing a prank on me. I’m sorry. I’m sure that if you just take the time to talk to Mufflefly about how you feel and are honest with her, she’ll respond positively.” She took a breath. “Trixie, do we have any other callers?”
“We have Mufflefly on line two.”
Starlight shot Trixie a glare that could burn down a forest. Trixie responded with a wide grin that could reflect sunlight. Starlight slowly shook her head and said, “are there any other callers?”
“Nope!”
“Really?” Starlight grit her teeth and looked at the switchboard. “It looks like line one has somepony.”
“Oh? Lemme check.” Trixie reached to her switchboard and hit the button to cut the line. “Nope, must have been a glitch. But we still have Mufflefly, holding on line two.”
Starlight’s glare intensified to steel-melting as she slowly raised her hoof to the switchboard and pressed the button to connect the call. “Welcome to the show, Mufflefly.”
“Hangbow Smash isn’t my coltfriend.”
Starlight raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”
“He’s my neighbor, he’s been trying to get me to go out with him for months but I’ve told him I’m not interested! Why would you encourage him, now he’ll never leave me alone!”
“I didn’t know!” Starlight protested, leaning forward. “P-perhaps you just need to give him a chance!”
“Give him a chance? He’s taken pictures of me in my sleep and snuck into my house to clean!”
“I-I…” Starlight groaned and rubbed her head. “If he’s doing such things then it’s out of my hooves, you need to speak to the police!” She paused as she heard a small snicker in the background of Mufflefly’s phone. “Mufflefly?”
“Yes?”
Starlight pursed her lip and sat back in her chair. “Where are you calling from?”
“Sugercube Corner.”
“I see.” She rapped her hoof on the desk. “Is Pinkie Pie listening in the background?”
“No.”
“…Is that because Pinkie Pie is on the phone with me now?”
“…Maybe.”
“Is Rainbow Dash listening in the background?”
“Maybe.”
“I see.” Starlight slammed her hoof on the button to cut the call. “We’ll be right back after this word from our sponsor.” The On-Air light of the booth turned off. Starlight stomped to the door to Trixie’s booth and threw it open. “From now on, if you suspect Rainbow or Pinkie are calling in to prank me, give me fair warning!”
“If it makes you feel better, Trixie knew it was them and didn’t care.” Trixie replied.
Starlight’s eye twitched. “How is that supposed to make me feel better?”
“You know you have a top-notch producer who recognizes the prank calls.”
Starlight groaned and walked back to her desk. Trixie called after her.
“You’re welcome!”
Author's Note
And for those of you about to ask about the logistics and technology behind this story:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MST3KMantra
Maud Pie on Line One
“Trixie, who do we have on the line today?” Starlight smiled at her friend in anticipation.
“We have Maud on line one.”
Maud? Starlight’s eyebrows lifted. “Well, let’s get right to that, then.” Starlight pressed the button to connect the call. “Hello, Maud. I’m listening.”
“Hi, Starlight. The reason I’m calling is some disagreements with my boyfriend.”
“Oh?” Starlight frowned. “And what sort of disagreements?”
“Well, Mudbriar wants to go to a lumberjack protest next Tuesday, but that’s the same day as a geode show in Appleloosa.”
“I’m sorry, just out of curiosity’s sake, what are a bunch of lumberjacks protesting and what has Mudbriar interested in supporting them?”
“I misspoke. The lumberjacks are cutting down a section of the White Tail Woods and Mudbriar wants to go and protest.”
“Uh…huh.”
“He’s very good at writing protest chants. Do you want to hear one?”
“NO!” Starlight blurted out the refusal and quickly covered her mouth. “I mean, no, thank you, that’s rather off-topic. Back to such, I’m getting that the conflict is you’re not sure which activity to go to?”
“I want to support Mudbriar, but I also don’t want to miss the geode show, I go every year. It’s the most exciting rock event in the entire southwest.”
Starlight sighed. “We can’t allow Mudbriar to take you away from that party, can we?” She ignored Trixie’s snickering as she adjusted her headphones. “Perhaps what you need to do is just be honest with him about your conflict.”
“I have.”
“And?”
“He doesn’t want to miss the protest, either.”
Starlight held up her hooves. “Perhaps the easy solution is best then – you could each attend the event you like and just not spend the day together. Is that an option?”
“Yes.”
“Wonderful, glad I could help.” Starlight reached to the cut call button and tapped it. “Trixie, I think that one was a bit of a softball, how about something more befitting my talents as a problem resolver?” She smirked.
Trixie smirked back. “Sure. We have Maud on line two.”
“Huh?” Starlight reached to the switchboard and tapped the button. “Hello?”
“Hi, Starlight. There’s something I could use help with.”
“Oh?”
“I’m worried one of my friends may be trying to get me to break up with my boyfriend.”
Starlight frowned. “Why would you say that?”
“They told me I should go to the geode show without Mudbriar.”
“Maud, I only said that to try and solve your problem!” Starlight protested. “I would never try to split you up from Mudbriar, I know how happy he makes you!”
“I was talking about Sunburst.”
Starlight blinked. “Oh… um, well that’s another matter.”
“Why?”
“To be honest, I’m just not comfortable being part of this, Sunburst is my oldest friend and he’s entitled to his opinion. I’m not going to denounce him on-air like you’re prompting me to.”
“So you agree with him?”
“No!”
“You agree with me?”
“NO!”
“You seem a bit confused about the situation, Starlight. Should I start over?”
“NO!” Starlight rubbed her hoof to her head. “Maud, this is why I ask callers to use an alias, so any personal biases I may have on them from my own relationships with them can be taken off the table, and I can give them my fair, unfiltered opinion. If I didn’t know I was talking to you about Mudbriar and Sunburst, I might very well see things entirely different and could be honest with you about my thoughts without feeling guilty over taking sides. You see?”
“That sounds reasonable. Goodbye.”
The drone of a dead line filled the airwaves. Starlight groaned and cut the call. “Apologies to our listeners for that tirade. Trixie, let’s go back to the easy ones. Who do we have?”
“We have May on line three.”
“Great.” Starlight pressed the button.
“Hi, Starlight. My name is May.”
Starlight barely had the strength to keep her head from falling forward to slam on her desk as she heard Maud’s voice in her headphones. “Yes?”
“I’m worried I may have upset my friend Stardust.”
Starlight struggled to stay calm. “Why say that?”
“I asked her for opinions on my relationship with my boyfriend Mudbramble, and I asked her to take sides between me and her friend Sunlight.”
“And how did she react to that?”
“I think I may have confused her.”
“I’m sure she’s not the only one,” Starlight muttered.
“I’d like to tell her that I’m sorry and I didn’t mean to get her involved in a spat like this. I’m willing to do anything it takes to make amends and repair our friendship.”
Starlight’s angry expression softened. “Well, Mau-May, I’m sure in her heart, she already knows and appreciates your concern. That’s enough for her.”
“I’d also like to invite her to a geode show with me.”
“I think that may be taking it too far.”
