It's Bean a Wonderful Life
“What an awful day,” Sunset groaned. She stumbled into the hotel room and fell face-down onto the bed. Her phone buzzed. She turned it off without even looking at it. Whoever was calling her – and she could guess whom and why – it could wait until morning and maybe for a lot longer than that. All she wanted right now was a place to rest while her apartment was scrubbed top-to-bottom to get rid of every trace of ectoplasm, bean paste, and whatever shameful horrors had been tracked in from Beanis Inc.
She drifted off to sleep in a haze of physical and emotional exhaustion, weeks of stress catching up with her all at once.
Sunset was sitting on a bench, at a bus stop. That wasn’t unusual. The pony sitting next to her was a little odd, though.
“You’re troubled, Sunset Shimmer,” the dark alicorn said. “More than usual, I mean. Normally I only have to settle the nightmares of the ponies of Equestria and you are a long way from home.”
“Oh. You’re Pony Luna,” Sunset said, after a moment. “Aren’t you a little short to be a Princess?”
Luna frowned, her cheeks turning red. “I am not short! I am extremely tall for a pony! You wouldn't say that to Celestia!”
“I wouldn't need to. I guess ponies just look a lot shorter as a human,” Sunset muttered. “Wait, how did you get here? Where are we?”
“We’re inside your dream,” Luna said.
“Oh God don’t tell me Twilight invented some kind of Dreamnis and used it on me when I was sleeping…” Sunset buried her face in her hands.
Luna tilted her head. “...Dreamnis?”
“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Sunset groaned, her voice muffled. “I wish I’d never taken that job. If I’d never worked for Beanis Inc, none of this crazy shit would have happened. Sorry about the language.”
“My sister is much worse in private.”
“No she isn’t!”
“Once she said she was…” Luna looked around, as if to make sure they were alone in Sunset’s dream. She leaned in to whisper. “Peeved.”
“...That’s not a curse. That’s not even close to being a curse.”
“Well perhaps things have changed over a thousand years,” Luna admitted. “Regardless, I am here to help you.”
Sunset snorted. “Not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest, or teleport me off this rock.”
“I am not sure what harvest you mean, but it seems like you regret a decision you made in the past. Here, I can help you find the answer you’ve been looking for.”
“...What answer is that?”
“What would have happened if the Beanis never existed!”
Lightning crashed. Luna blinked.
“Did you do that?” Luna asked.
Sunset shook her head.
“Well I am sure it is not a bad sign. It’s simply, ah, a brainstorm.” She was lying through her teeth. Before Sunset could notice, she whistled, and a bus puttered out of the gloom to stop in front of them.
“Shall we?” Luna asked, as the doors opened.
“Why did we get off here?” Sunset asked. “This is a mile walk from my apartment.”
“I felt a short walk would help you clear your head,” Luna said, trotting down the sidewalk. Thankfully, the people in Sunset’s dream-world were ignoring the pony walking among them.
“Sure. Not like my dream-feet are gonna get dream-tired.”
They walked in silence until they came to a billboard overlooking a cross-street. Sunset looked up at it.
“Something wrong?” Luna asked. “I was enjoying getting a look at your world. It’s different, but similar in so many odd ways.”
“No, I just remembered something,” Sunset said. “A few months ago, we had a big fight with the city about that billboard. Twilight bought the ad-space without telling me and put up something so inappropriate the city had it torn down before lunch. She went through three revisions before she finally came to me and I helped her work up something acceptable for the general public.”
“It couldn’t have been that bad,” Luna said.
Sunset focused, and for a moment the first billboard appeared, hazy and wavering like a ghost.
Luna looked away. “I do not think I ever wanted to see that much of Rainbow Dash,” she admitted. “What if a child saw that?”
“There’s a daycare across the street,” Sunset groaned. “Twilight had this bright idea that she should focus marketing where parents and couples show up, and she didn’t think through all the consequences. So… daycares. Schools. Outside restaurants.”
“With… that sort of ad?” Luna asked.
Sunset nodded.
“I suppose it is natural that sometimes the vision of a genius becomes myopic.”
“Luna. We’re in private. You can just call her a pervert.”
“Let us move on,” Luna said, trotting briskly away, forcing her wings to stay at her sides.
“Behold your terrible fate if you had not followed thy path in life!” Luna yelled, waving her hoof imperiously.
Sunset squinted. “I’m eating a salad and watching Canterlot Ninja Warrior. No, wait, it’s the redubbed version with funny commentary. What was it called…”
“Do you not see how sad and unfulfilling your life would be if-”
“Most Extreme Canterlot Challenge!”
“...”
“I remembered the name of the show,” Sunset explained, lamely. “Sorry.”
“As I was explaining, do you not see how sad your life would be if not for the, ah…”
“Beanis.”
“I don’t like saying it.” Luna looked away. “It makes me feel dirty.”
Sunset sighed. “I know.”
“Can we just agree that this has been cathartic and you now feel content?”
“Luna, do you know what went on at Beanis Inc?” Sunset folded her arms. “Twilight was trying to find a way to capture ghosts so Beanises would be self-lubricating with ectoplasm! Applejack’s sister snuck in and tried to clone the dog with the CRISPR! Fluttershy thought the Pod-Puppies were cute, but they’re still abominations against the laws of nature. And Rainbow Dash…” Sunset shuddered. “Watching TV seems like a much better use of my time.”
“But look at the toll it’s had on your body!” Luna pointed. “You’re practically a blimp.”
“What?” Sunset frowned, looking more closely at her dream-double. “No I’m not. I’m just-”
The doorbell rang, and her double got up with some difficulty, her belly round. Swollen. Heavily pregnant.
“No,” Sunset whispered, in horror.
Dream-Sunset waddled over to the door, opening it. Rainbow Dash was on the other side, with a stroller and three babies. One looked suspiciously like Fluttershy. Another like Pinkie Pie. The last one looked like a baby Celestia.
Sunset was frozen in place, the horror too much for her mind to handle. She could just barely hear the two speaking.
“So if you could watch the kids, that’d be great,” Dash said. “Turns out Applejack is having twins, and if I’m not there this time, Granny Smith is gonna have my head. The first time was bad enough.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Dream-Sunset said. “I know. I’m upset she wouldn’t even consider my name ideas.”
“Hey, she’s having an extra brat. Maybe I can convince her to name it Crab Apple like you wanted.”
The two laughed.
“I’m still naming mine Stormageddon,” Dream-Sunset said. “It’s just too bad this was all unavoidable.”
“I know,” Dash said. “If there was just some way that I could have avoided getting all you girls knocked up, it would have been great. But it just wasn’t in the cards after you convinced Twilight that Bean Penis idea was stupid.”
“Before you go, I could use a little attention…”
Luna looked on, perplexed.
“I do not understand. I thought Rainbow Dash was female.”
“She is,” Sunset muttered.
“But…” Luna paused. “I know things are different in dreams, but on some level you must be aware that two mares cannot conceive without a considerable amount of magic.”
“Rainbow Dash has a penis.”
“Sooth!?” Luna pressed closer with curiosity. “Ah good. It appears your dream double and Rainbow Dash are undressing. I shall know the truth soon.”
“But it doesn’t even make sense,” Sunset said. “We’ve never had sex. I’m not even attracted to her. I’ve never wanted to have sex with her. Why would I be pregnant in my dream?”
“As I said, dreams are strange. Now once Rainbow Dash removes her pants-”
“Luna, don’t look!” Sunset said, feeling sudden dread. “Avert your eyes!”
“But why? It’s merely a-”
Luna stopped, her mouth hanging open.
“It’s perfect,” Luna whispered, drooling from both ends.
“Nooooo!”
Sunset jerked awake. She could still see it. The human Dash on top of the pony Luna. It was an image that would haunt her every time she closed her eyes for weeks to come.
“Well,” she said. “Guess it’s time to buy energy drinks and caffeine pills and never sleep again.”
Author's Note
From the Canterlot Times:
Later, Princess Luna issued a public apology for her behavior at the Wonderbolts show, saying that she "had a mad thirst" and "gotta get that dick". Rainbow Dash could not be reached for comment, but Spitfire issued a statement about the situation saying that "Yes, some members of the Wonderbolts have dicks, but only the ones that should."
