One day, Celestia exploded. This was seen as a rather poor choice on her part, and she experienced a drop in popularity in the polls. But those pollsters, they’re always trying to tilt the polls this away or that. Like a bad pinball player, you just can’t trust them. To get the full story, we need to go back, back to the beginning…
...35.4 hours earlier…
Dinnertime in Tartarus
Cerberus distributed portions to all the political prisoners Celestia kept down in Tartarus. What do they feed them in Tartarus anyway? Mostly smelly old socks and used tampons. Wait horses don’t have periods, you may say, and you are correct. But Celestia had a contract with Principal Celestia and every evening Principal Celestia fished used tampons out of the girl’s bathrooms’ trashcans at CHS.
Anyway… where were we, ahh yes, so there they were, being doled out these used tampons and old socks that could quite probably stand on their own, when suddenly, there came a great roar from the depths.
It was the roar of… your mom. That’s right, your mom was imprisoned for running against Celestia’s appointed candidate in the Trottingham local election and was starting to get too popular. But now she was planning on escaping!
For you see, the Great Equestrian Run Off of Sewage, naturally, had to run through Tartarus in order to provide the proper bouquet that you could imagine in a place like that. And so, she thought, “Ahah, a chance to make my grape, er, great escape!” And so, she somehow managed to create a diving bell using several discarded socks that were far too gone to eat, and tampon casings to make a breathing tube. “Yes, this is surely the best idea that I could possibly come up with!” She then cackled for some reason.
Insert scene of an unspeakably terrible swim through Celestia-knows-what until finally, she emerges from beneath Twilight’s personal royal ceramic throne.
It was the Shawshank Redemption of shit. The Shitshank Redemption, if you will.
Anyway, Your mom is a rather large pony about 13 hands high, with a mane coated… wait a minute, why am I telling you all this. You know all this; she’s your mom! Your mom crawled up out of Twilight’s shitter, and realizing where she was, decided to enlist Twilight Sparkle in her personal vendetta against Celestia.
“Twilight Sparkle”, your mom says, “I need you to do me a favor. I need you to write to your friend over in the human world, what was her name? Shim Sham? Anyway, write to her and ask for 40 pounds of C4 and 29 bottles of codeine. Wez gonna blow up the sun.”
Your mom is an inspiring political saboteur, so Twilight Sparkle, who likes to listen to authority figures, complied, and wrote to Sunset Shimmer asking for the aforementioned supplies. Because, reasons.
“I can get codeine from [name of that nerd kid in Equestria Girls?], who’s always pushing that shit. But where the flippity flark am I supposed to get C4?”
“I don’t know, be creative. You’re smart.”
So SunnyBuns went and got her new friend Glim Glam to teach her a time travel spell, and then Sunset Shimmer went back in time to the 1990s and joined the army and then stole a bunch of C4, and then as long as she was back in time, stopped herself from running away and turning evil, but that then made all this that follows alternate universe. Oops!
Anyway, Twilight got the C4 from Sunset and gave it your mom. Your mom finally showered after swimming through all that sewage, btw. Better late than never I suppose
So Anyways, your mom needed a plan. Either she had to sneak into Canterlot Castle, or wait until Princess Celestia was out of the castle..And so she decided to start with stalking the bushes around the castle in hopes of Celestia making a daring mid-day break for freedom, unfortunately for her, Celestia had decided that cake was a better alternative to actually seeing her sun.
Your mom needed bait. And the first thing that she thought of was simply to get a better cake, but she couldn’t think of anything better than the cakes in the castle. Then she decided that a pie would surely be just what she needed, so she bought a huge cherry and custard pie, and set it outside the castle walls in the remote back part of the castle up against the mountain. The smell wafted over to Celestia, and she went out to investigate.
What I didn’t tell you earlier is that your mom hid a bunch of C4 in the pie. And when Celestia went to take a bite of the pie, your mom used her magic to explode the C4. Kaboom! Bits of Celestia and pie rained down all over Canterlot.
Now, there was one pie loving pony who got really turned on by all the pie raining down from the sky and started doing things with the bits of pie that I can’t describe here because it’s too fucking disgusting. What a fucking pervert, seriously.
Meanwhile, Principal Celestia was making herself up in the supply closet because of the sheer fact that her button had popped off exposing her neon white skin to the harsh light of the sun. She hissed as she stitched on button after button.
Meanwhile, Prince Blueblood was sunbathing by the Canterlot Castle pool, when an ear fell on his face. “Oh dear. It seems Auntie has exploded again.”
Luna burst into tears as she opened the door shouting, “I felt a disturbance in the force, as if thousands of calories were eaten, then suddenly, Fallout 76 was announced.”
She then continued to cry, paying no mind to the chunks of alicorn meat splattering her window, mumbling about single player and so on.
The blast radius was quite large, but not as large as…
Your mom!
Speaking of, she went on to win the election and got a seat on Trottingham’s City Council.
There, she decided once and for all, that desert was not a vegetable. And neither is pizza, you STUPID SONS OF BITCHES I AM WATCHING YOU! (we regret to inform you, that the previous author has gone mad, and blew up a station wagon. Therefore, he has been fired, and we brought in someone else, to replace him.)
The End?
Author's Note
(That took you two weeks at 11.50 an hour to come up with?)
