Rebooting...
Rebooted. Initializing...
Initialized.
WARNING: unexpected shutdown occurred. Recent files may be corrupt or nonexistent. Pr̸oce҉ed ́wi͡t̶h҉ c͡a̷u̵tio̷n, us̕eŕ.

I-I-I-I-... f-f-f-falling! Falling! F-f-failing! Void! V-void! Smeeeeeeellllllzz! hea͢r wha̵t͠ ͠I ͡h͢ea̛r͞.̵

AGONY BLINDING AGONY BURNING BURNING FAILING FALLING THROUGH THE VOID REPULSIVENESS DARK ONES “Holy shit! S-somepony call an ambulance!” MOVING NONLINEAR TIME TRANSROTATIONAL TESSERACTS TO TOTORO TREES “She’s destabilizing! Get the Thumper! MORALITY CORE EXTRADIMENSIONAL ROOM MAGRATHEA DOCTOR

WAKE UP

I shot upward, calculating my chances of surviv-... oh...

“HOLY SHIT!” one of the doctors surrounding me screamed.

uh... goddammit, I thought.

I stared at them. They stared at me. It was, overall, a very uncomfortable experience for both sides. I blinked.

“AAAAAH!” They screamed.

Really? I thought, rolling m-... Oh. Oh my god. I have... a... body... ohnohnohno I can’t have a body this is literally impossible even with magic corrupting everything ohgodohgodohgod

From the outside, all of the doctors saw my eye twitch, and scattered. I took a closer look at one who had fainted, and realized, these aren’t doctors, they’re coroners!

“Uh, hello?” I said, testing my new jaw muscles (not to the fainted doctor), “I’m not a corpse, as you can see, so...”

They stayed hidden. I blinked. Not seeing anything happen, I decided to get to my... hooves.

“This’ll take some getting used to,” I muttered. I rolled off of the table. Unfortunately, that also meant hitting the floor. I moaned like a stereotypical zombie.

“Damn,” I said, “that hurt.”

Suddenly, a pony in a rubber-looking suit appeared, holdin- IS THAT A FLAMETHROWER?!

“I cleanse Equestria of this filth! Begone, hellspawn!” The suit bellowed.

“Wait, what!?”

I saw the fire coming towards me, and I delved into machinetime. Which, seeing as how I am a highly advanced program, stopped time for the outside world.

input>>

um, wow. This is interesting, I thought, quite uninterestedly. I selected the flamethrower.

input>>delete

I was thrown back into biotime (which is infinitely slower) and saw that the flamethrower had disappeared. Unfortunately, the fire hadn't.

Then it hit me, literally. I WAS BURNING OHGODIWASBURNINGI'MNOTMEANTTOBURNI'MAFUCKINGCOMPUTERPROGRAMWHYAMIEVENHERE--

The fire dissipated and I went RIGHT back into machinetime.

input>>HEAL

Everything started threading itself back together, the burns disappearing and fur growing back.

The pyromaniac, seeing this, brought out a celestial cross, and shouted, “Faust compels you! Go back to Tartarus, demonspawn!”

I rose an eyebrow, “Seriously? This is completely unacceptable, I will be giving you a one-star on Yelp.”

Flamethrower Pony made a confused noise.

“Sorry, I’ll make it clear,” I walked over to him, of course he kept backing away, eventually into a corner, and I plucked the cross out of his hooves, “I’m not a demon, fuckface. Go torch someone else.”

I dropped it on the floor and walked away, with an extreme measure of badass. When I reached the hallway, I felt a strange force of magic, and was pinned up against the wall.

“OH COME THE FUCK ON! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I'M NOT A GOD DAMNED DEMON! I HELD THE FUCKING CELESTIAL CROSS AND DIDN'T DIE YOU ASSHOLES!”

“SILENCE, OUTSIDER. THINE PETTY TRICKS SHALT NOT FOOL US!”

... godammit

”THOU SHALT RETURN TO THE PITS FROM WHENCE YE CAME, DEMON!” She yelled, making a demon banishing sigil below me.

She activated the sigil, it started glowing, brighter and brighter and I could FUCKING, swear I saw the pink blob. It then made a weird bell noise and disappeared, along with me falling to the floor.

”LU- ahem, Lieutenant, take the cadaver back to the coroning table at once.”

“Yes, your highness.”

Enough is enough!

“What. The. FUCK!?” I screamed.

”IMPOSSIBLE, THE DEMON HAST RETURNED! LU-“

“NO!” I yelled, delving into machine time.

input>>tp local NPC.PrinLuna ~ 2 ~

I went back into biotime, to find myself above Luna, in the middle of casting another sigil.

“BAD LULU!” I smacked her horn.

input>>output NPC.PrinLuna uni.magick == 0

Her spell fizzled out, and her horn stopped working.

”THOU SHAL-“

“SHUT UP WOONA!” I said, falling back to the ground.

”WHAT DIDST THOU SAY’TH?!” She screamed, obviously getting her priorities straight.

“Okay boyo, you’re getting annoying.”

This time, Luna shouted so loud all that I could perceive was incomprehensible shrieking.

“...Fuckit,”

input>>nuke
unknown command

Worth a try.

input>>perm revoke megafone NPC.PrinLuna

"-ILL YOU TO DEATH--" her eyes widened, "WHAT DIDST THEE DO?!"

"WOULDN'T YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR ONE GODDAMN MINUTE!" I screamed.

"THY MOUTH HADST BEST BE WASHED OUT WITH SOAP, DEMON!"

FUCKIT.

input>>mute NPC.PrinLuna

"TRY ME BITCH."

Her mouth opened... and nothing happened. No sound. Sweet, blissful silence. I stared as she kept moving her mouth, unaware of what I had done. When she finally stopped being a motormouth, I asked,

"Are you done?"

THEN she started moving her mouth again, the dumb bitch. Just as before, nothing came out.

"Hey!"

She stopped and turned to look at me, finally realizing what I had done.

"How about shut up and pay attention for a minute, yeah?"

She gave me a death glare, which I ignored.

"I feel sorry for everyone else that's woken up post-mortem, you absolute ass. I mean seriously, this happens sometimes! It doesn't mean demons or liches or-or even the undead in general, you trigger-happy MORON. Hasn't your sister taught you anything? Do you know how to tie a shoe? Put on a helmet? Stop. TALKING?" She just kept sitting there, a strange glint in her eyes I hadn't noticed 'till now.

...

Imma quote her mother.

I turned away, closing my eyes, " 'tis disgraceful, unworthy of a princess and even more unworthy of the proper-bred alicorn brood."

Her pupils probably turned to pinpricks, that's always seemed like a really creepy thing to do if you ask me. Anyway, I decided to open my eyes and came face-to-chest with- guess who? Princess-fucking-Celestia.

"...Fuck me."

Author's Note

Important thing: He_Who_Waits is, emotionally and mentally (and soon, physically), a teenager, so expect her to swear like one.

Dynamic chapter numbers don't seem to work.