Papers, Ponies, and Attitude

Chapters

Chapter 1: Papers Please Bitch
Chapter 2: Anon Gets Angry And Shit
Chapter 3: Effin’ Princess...
Chapter 4: Fricken Kids
Chapter 5: Shitty Clever Title
Chapter 6: Helpin’ And Shit I Guess
Chapter 7: Drinkin To Get Fuckled Up!
Chapter 8: Back To Fuck-All
Chapter 9: Some Other Shit I Guess
Chapter 10: Fuck Making Chapter Titles
Chapter 11: Diddly Do Dah Day Mother Fucker
Fuckin’ Fan Mail
Chapter 13: Fuck Nuggets
Chapter 14: Therapy And A Fucking New Year (End of Arc 1)
Chapter 15: This Is Just Bullshit
Chapter 16: Love Can Kiss My Ass
Chapter 17: So, Some Shit Starts Up
Chapter 18: Wherefore Art Thou, Tom-Fuckery?
Chapter 19: Fuckin’ Who? Nah, Fucka You. (Re-rewritten)
Chapter 20: Fuck Ups And Some Shit
Chapter 21: So This is Some Weird Shit
Chapter Not-22: The Battle of Fuck-It
Chapter 22: So Bullshit Gets Better
A Special! (Author QnA)
Shorts: Multiversal Fuckup
Chapter 23: Aaaand Shit Hits The Fan...
Chapter 24: Fuck Wars
Chapter 25: The Part Where We’re Fucked
Chapter 26: Welcome To Manehatten! Now Get Your Shit And Get Out.
Chapter 27: Fuckin’ Greeeaaat
Chapter 28: Fucking Bootleg Christmas and Shit (Finale)
Short: Board (As Fuck) Meetings
Short: Guard Duty
Short: Whisking Away...
Short: A Reality Check
Kwality cahntint (April Fools)
Non-Canon Ch1: Oh Fuck I Forgot How To Make A Proper Chapter Title
Non-Canon Ch2: If You Do The Fuckin’ Thing...
Non-Canon Ch3: ... And You Don’t Fuck It Up....
Non-Canon Ch4: ... It Still Falls The Fuck Apart.
Non-Canon Ch5: Fuckers Stole My Chapter Title.
Chapter 12: So, Some Shit FINALLY Happens...
Little special
CHOOptah tenEIGht: Some REAL shizzle!

Chapter 1: Papers Please Bitch

I walk down the streets of Manehatten, a cup of coffee in hand, a grey coat keeping me warm, and a Russian hat that keeps my head warm yet again. The buildings I pass are for the uses and purposes for immigration, stuff like food, shelter, and job placement. I keep walking towards the giant wall that was erected between Manehatten, Equestria and the Eastern Crystal Mountains. The giant wall has a small building protruding from either side. The Equestrian Border Checkpoint. My office. See, I’m the Border Checkpoint Inspector here. I check to see if the papers and passports are in order. If they are, I give them a green stamp and they enter Equestria. If their papers are invalid, I either give them a red stamp or I detain them. Detaining is basically making an arrest. It’s also very fun to say. As I walk towards my workplace, I hear my friend Spearhead, a guard at the checkpoint, call over to me. I look over to see him donning his usual golden armor. I quirk an eyebrow when I see bandages around a hoof.

“Hey Anon! Think we’ll get another hundred angry entrants?” He asks. Spearhead knows me too well to make a suggestion like that.

“Depends on what they try to pull,” I say. I stop as I realize something. “Also, aren’t you supposed to be recovering from the terrorist attack the other day?” I ask. He smirks.

“Magic,” He says simply with a shrug. I roll my eyes.

“Screw that explanation, why aren’t you recovering?” I ask. He sighs.

“I’ve got nothing else to do today!” He protests. I throw my hands up while keeping the coffee cup from spilling God’s nectar.

“Fine, whatever. Don’t die or something today, alright?” I ask jokingly. Spearhead laughs and waves me off. I turn back towards my office and proceeded to walk in.

Inside my office, I can see the simple tools and necessities I need. My swivel chair, my desk, my stamps, the detain button, the search button, the dna button, the lever, the rulebook, a newspaper, and the mic. In front of my desk, is a small window that shows the room the entrants enter and exit. The mic is for me to call the entrants into the office. The lever allows me to open or close the shudders on the window in my office. The search button is there for me to see if the entrant has something illegal with them, hidden by either magic or clothing. The dna button is enchanted to do something different for every species. Ponies, for instance. Unicorns’ magic would be analyzed. Pegasi’s feathers would be analyzed. Earth ponies have hoofprints. I asked Celestia about it once, and wondered why we didn’t do that for all the ponies. She acted like I asked the silliest question. I bet she had no explanation.

Anyway, I sit in my sweet swivel seat and put my coffee cup down on the desk. I look at the clock sat next to my stamps to see it’s almost six. I look back on my desk to notice something under the rulebook. I pick up the rulebook to find a letter in an envelope under it. I take the envelope and set the rulebook aside. Taking a look at the envelope, I see a small note. It reads, ‘This message is specifically to be delivered to Anon.’ I shrug and take out the letter. I open it and read.

‘Dear Anon,

I must thank you for your assistance the other day. I came back to my country to find the griffons rebelling against my house. Apparently my nephew had tried to take my place while I was away on a goose chase The citizens were worse than mad. In the span of a day, my nephew managed to overtax the griffons, ruin a business, and accidentally offended an Equestrian ambassador. In response, I had no other choice but to exile him for three months. I don’t know if he will show up in your office, but if he does, please consider gifting him mercy. His name is Dreamfeather.

With regards,
Featherbird

PS, I hope you are doing well. I have heard about the terrorist attack.

... That asshat sure talks a lot in a letter. Also, Dreamfeather? It sounds like the laziest name someone can think of. I shrug and put it aside. Leaning towards the mic, I start the day.

“Next!” I say. Hearing the sound of a door opening, I look up to see a griffon. He actually looks a little similar to... Oh shit. He hands me his papers. I take them and look over the information. God. Damn. Fate. He’s Dreamfeather. “... You’re Dreamfeather huh?” He quirks an eyebrow.

“You’re a talking ape huh?” He asks with a smartass tone. I like him.

“Yep, And you’re a fucktard,” I say. He gasps.

“Did you just-“

“Yes.”

“You dare mock me!? I am-“

“Get your head out of your ass,” I comment as I look over his papers.

“Why do you insist on such vulgar language?” He asks.

“Because fuck you, that’s why,” I reply. He scoffs.

“Are all creatures in Equestria as insufferable as you.”

“Nah, I’m special.”

“Apparently. You’re special enough to seemingly be terrible at your job,” Afterfeather says. That makes me lose a little bit of humor.

“The only reason I haven’t given you a red stamp yet, is because your uncle asked me to give you a chance. If it was my choice, I would deny you because you’ll probably try to screw everyone over,” I comment, not looking up. “Now, Reason for stay?”

“... Visiting relatives,” Afterfeather replies, suddenly a lot more quieter.

“Duration?” I ask.

“Three months. This is probably the only country I can tolerate, though you’re making it difficult,” he says.

“Good, tell your uncle I said hi. Also, tell him I said he shouldn’t try to do the cool silent type trope. It’s bullshit if he’s going to talk a lot in letters,” I say as I hand him his papers. Afterfeather smirks.

“I’ve already told him that. Are you part griffon by chance?” He asks. I shake my head.

“Nah, I just don’t give a fuck,” I say. He shakes his head before walking out. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”

A familiar zebra walks in. “Ah, it seems there is a familiar friend. Tell me, will our chance encounters ever end?” Zecora asks, smiling upon seeing me.

“Nah, I saw Princess Bitchy Le Nugget the other day,” I say casually. My zebrican friend only laughs.

“It is sad that I know what you are talking about. It’s been quiet, when have you last screamed and shout?” Zecora asks as she hands me her papers.

“Well, I practically saved everyone the other day,” I say with an award winning smile. Zecora scoffs.

“Please, with me, that is just a joke. We both know you are more of a bloke,” she says with a smirk. I actually laugh.

“Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence. Everything’s good Zecora, have a nice day,” I genuinely say as I hand her papers over. She waves bye before trotting out. I lean towards the mic, “Next!”

The next person to come in is a tall moose. His antlers, amazingly enough, fit through the door. Amazing indeed. “Hello tall as hell, papers please,” I say.

“What was that first bit dear sir? I do believe I misheard you,” he says in British. What? British is just fancier English? I know, I just don’t care.

“I said you look as swell as dirt, papers please,” I say. The moose scoffs in annoyance before handing me his papers. I look over them and immediately see an error. “Sir, this passport is expired.”

“Yes? So what dear chap?”

“It’s expired by three years,” I say bluntly.

“Oh, I’ll just renew it when I enter,” he says. I start laughing slowly as I stamp his passport with red.

“Get the hell out of my line if you think I’ll let that shit slide,” I say.

“Ugh, such uncouth behavior!” He exclaims. I shrug. He leaves, angry and flustered. I lean towards the mic.

“Next!” I say.

The door opens, and a yak walks in. Ah shit. The last time there was a yak, we had to close the checkpoint due to monumental damages. They smash whatever they want apparently. I sigh. I’m gonna have to be a little gentle. “Welcome to Equestria,” I say in a monotone voice.

“Huh? Is yak not in right place?! I was told there was screaming creature here!” He yells. Oh. Never mind.

“You’re goddamn right I am!” I yell back with a wide smile. The yak laughs joyously.

“Yak is representative of Yakyakinstan!” He yells.

“Awesome! Give me the fuckin’ papers!” I yell. The yak keeps smiling as he gives me his papers. I quickly look over them and thank God that everything’s fine. “Have a fuckin’ nice stay in Equestria!” I yell with a salute. The yak laughs heartily and walks out smiling.

“Ohoho, funny creature is very nice to yak! Yak approves!” I hear. Diplomacy is best policy. Spearhead leans in from the door.

“Now how in Tartarus did you manage to keep a yak calm?” He asks seriously. He narrows his eyes. “You drugged him didn’t you?”

“No, of course not. All I can say is, Speech one hundred,” I say.

“... That doesn’t make sense,” Spearhead comments. I shrug.

“Eh, I’m the only Dovahkiin here to understand that,” I say before turning to the mic. “Next!”

The next creature is an all too familiar lunar princess. Princess Luna. She’s okay, but I still keep my charm around her, despite many warnings. “Hello Moonbutt,” I greet. Luna face hoofs.

“Anon, for the upteenth time, do not call me that,” she groans. I shrug.

“Well, too bad. It’s a perfect nickname for you,” I say. “Papers please.” Luna hands me her papers, and I scan over them.

“I cannot wait to get back to Canterlot, my bed is the first destination I shall make haste for,” she says, slipping into old tongue. I nod.

“Yeah, I wish I could go to bed. I don’t want to deal with the stupidest creatures on the planet,” I say. Luna scoffs.

“Please, politicians vary in their naivity, foresooth, what foul being has been the most-“

“One Minotaur didn’t know they need their passport,” I say. Luna stops mid sentence, stunned.

“Wh-what? Thou has to be jesting,” she says in disbelief. “Whence leaving a kingdom, mortals require passports of identity to make haste into any other kingdom. They needest passports to begone from the homeland they protrude,” Luna rambles. “How in the nine circles of Tartarus do they not knoweth a passport?” She asks.

“I asked the same question. The answer I got was a shrug,” I reply. Luna sits down, covers her face with her forehooves, and sighs.

“Damn the trivialness of this existence,” she says.

“Amen,” I reply, giving her papers back with a green stamp. “If you ever want to hit a bar, you can always pay for my rounds.” Luna scoffs.

“The idea of going to a bar is quite a nice one. If only I could partake in such nice activities,” Luna says. She starts to walk out, but stops. “... On second thought, when does thou take a day off?”

“Sundays,” I say. Luna smiles.

“I shall arrive at your house when I am ready to go drinking at the finest pub,” she says.

“By finest, you mean I won’t pay, right?” I ask. Luna laughs.

“Of course, I doubt you have much,” she says walking out. Jokes on her, I have shit tons of money. I just don’t want to pay for it. I lean towards the mic as she exits.

“Next!”

The next creature to walk in is Princess Cadance. Also known as Annoying as Hell. “Oh, it’s you,” she says in a surprised tone.

“Yep. I’m here, checking passports.” Cadance quirks and eyebrow.

“Did you ever fix your anger problem?” She asks.

“Fuck you,” I respond simply.

“Ah. Well, I’m sure you remember who I am and all that,” she says, trying to walk out without me giving her a green stamp. Predictably, she gets stopped by the enchantment on the doors since she doesn’t have the green stamp.

“Cadance, you still need a stamp,” I say, quirking an eyebrow at her behavior. She suddenly looks nervous.

“Oh, um, right,” she says. She nervously walks over to me and hands me her papers. “Just stamp it green and I can go.” This isn’t Cadence. She follows the protocol strictly like the other princesses.

“... Please wait for a moment,” I say. I press the DNA button. A cone appears, which I hand to Cadance. The cone analyzes magic from horns. “Please, wear this and repeat after me. Ravioli ravioli, I am a retard-ioli.”

“I am not repeating that,” ‘Cadance’ deadpans as she puts on the cone. The results come back in a few seconds. Negative.

“Too bad, because you are,” I say. I press the detain button, and alarms go off. The cone vanishes and returns to wherever it comes from.

“W-what?”

“See, I’ve faced Changelings in my booth before. You’re all pretty bad actors,” I say. “Also, if Cadance was here, Luna would have said something.” The now revealed changeling sighs before returning to his form. “Wait a minute, you’re the same retard from the other day!” I point out. The red chitin is hard to forget.

“Can you stop calling me that!” He exclaims. I scoff.

“Well, stop being retarded,” I reply. Spearhead steps in.

“Alright, no shoving or pushing, just walk out nice and-“

“You won’t take me alive!” The changeling says quickly before darting out the right side door. I sigh, get out my crossbow, step out my office, and aim. The sound of a thunk is heard before the sound of pained screaming. “My leg!” Spearhead turns to me.

“Do you ever use the sleeping darts?” Spearhead asks. I shrug.

“Nah, can’t find them,” I lie. They’re right beside the lethal shots. See, if that changeling was an actual threat, I’d aim for his head.

“You and I both know you can find them,” he says disapprovingly.

“Eh, I figure the pain will make them think twice next time,” I say. Spearhead sighs.

“I’m honestly afraid you’ll go crazy one day,” he says, shaking his head.

“If you’re honestly scared, request to take my lethal shots away or something,” I say, heading back to my office.

The next eight hours of paperwork, idiots, and sob stories were boring. It’s almost closing time, but I have time for one more creature. “Next!” I say.

The last creature of today is a blue and grey female griffon with a slight glare. “You! Do you know where my ever-so-popular coltfriend is?” She asks. I quirk an eyebrow.

“Huh?”

“My coltfriend! Dusty Powder!” She yells. I sigh.

“Look, I all I know is that he entered here,” I say. She sighs. “I detained him.” She immediately facepalms. “Don’t worry though, we all know him enough to know he’s not some dangerous criminal,” I finish.

“I know, my husband has told me about the nice border inspector and guards of Equestria,” she says.

“I’m about to get off work if you want help finding him,” I say. She nods and gives me her papers. I look over them. Her name is Tailscrew. Seriously, what the fuck kind of names are these? Everything fine, I give a green stamp. I give back her papers as the horn for the end of the day sounds. I walk outside and find Spearhead sighing.

“I heard who’s in there,” he says. The Tailscrew stomps out, anger back in full force. She stops in front of us. “Follow me.”

We follow Spearhead for half an hour before stopping in front of a hotel. “This is where he stays when he’s in Equestria,” he says. He looks at Tailfeather and I, “Don’t cause any trouble, okay?” The griffon scoffs.

“Are you saying that because I’m a griffon,” she asks. Spearhead laughs.

“No, I’m saying that because Anon’s here,” He says, gesturing towards me. Tailscrew gives me a confused look.

“I’m a natural asshole most of the time,” I say. Spearhead nods.

“Now, If you’ll excuse me, I’m going home. As Anon would say, ‘I don’t wanna be here when shit hits the fan’,” he says before turning and walking away.

We walk into the hotel, noticing the drab dark brown coloring of the insides instantly. The front desk was simple, a counter with a bell on it. We walk up and I ring the bell. “Coming!” A female voice calls. The owner of the voice, a short white unicorn with a brown mane walks up. She levitates a small stool behind her to place behind the desk to stand or sit on. Once she was ready, she looks at us. “Welcome! How can I help you?” She asks politely.

“I’m looking for my coltfriend Dusty Powder,” Tailscrew says sternly. I nod. The unicorn giggles.

“Of course, follow me!” She says. Her positivity’s a little creepy. She leads us to a room in the hotel, and knocks on the door. “Excuse me? Mister Powder? Your marefriend is here!” The door opens with a confused Dusty Powder behind it.

“Tailscrew? You are here?” He asks, surprised. Tailscrew walks up, slaps him, and walks in. I follow her. The unicorn closes the door and leaves us be.

“I am here because you apparently like leaving notes behind rather than talking! I wake up to find a note that says, ‘Be back soon’! What the Tartarus am I supposed to think about that!?” She yells in frustration.

“Why is Anon here?” Dusty asks.

“Eh, nothing better to do,” I reply honestly.

“You will not change the subject! Why did you leave!? Am I not good enough!? Am I just not worth your while!?” Tailscrew yells.

“No, of course not-“

“Then, why did you leave!?” Tailscrew asks. I wish I had some popcorn. It’s like a soap opera. Dusty sighs. “Well?!”

“... I did not want to tell bad news, but... I am not doing well with money recently,” he says.

“Oh, I get it, you don’t want to be bothered with a burden like me!” Tailscrew says. Dusty Powder shakes his head.

“No, Tailscrew, I am burden on you. Ever since I quit ‘side business’, I’ve lost much of my revenue to pay bills. I know you don’t want to move, but I’ll need to make money fast. You have stable job already. If it was just you, I assume you would be fine, but if I am there, I make even more expenses that come out of your pay,” Dusty explains sadly. Tailscrew, not completely sure of him, steps up.

“Why did you say you’d be right back then? To give me false hope?” She asks. Dusty shakes his head.

“I had a plan, but it fall through like rock in water. I was originally going to try to start my own business by getting a few things, but it turns out I do not have enough bits for them,” he admits.

“What were you going to try?” I ask out of curiosity.

“A toy shop. I know how to make toys I play with when I was younger. I figure that was good plan, but the materials are too expensive,” he says. Tailscrew sighs before hugging her coltfriend. Dusty begins to cry. “Please, I’m sorry to have drag you out here. I just don’t want to trouble you with problems I bring,” He sobs. Tailscrew only shakes her head.

“You’re not a problem, alright? You’re a nice, sweet, and thoughtful pony,” she says. Seriously. I could really use some popcorn right now. Maybe with more butter than usual. Tailscrew gives Dusty a quick kiss on the cheek. “Please don’t run like that again, okay? You scared me.”

“I promise my love,” Dusty says. Tailscrew sighs, but keeps a small smile.

“What have I told you about that? I already gave you a hug, don’t be cheesy with me,” she says playfully. Okay, I’m bored.

“Alright, everyone good? I kinda wanna go home now,” I interject. Both of them turn to me.

“Oh, right, Anon. Thank you for helping me find Dusty,” Tailscrew says. I nod, get up, and start walking out. As I leave, I hear a bit of conversation. “Now Dusty, since we’re alone...”

I walk towards my home, tired from today’s bullshit. I open my front door before walking in. I head to the kitchen and grab an apple. I put my hat on the counter and head to the living room. I kick back on my couch as I watch tv. I watch the news as I munch on my apple. Once I’m done with the apple, I turn off the tv and head to the kitchen to look in the fridge. I open the fridge, grab my carton of milk, grab a cup from a cupboard, and pour a cup of milk. I drink it quickly before setting it in the sink. I walk into my room, and change into nothing but my boxers. I slip under the covers, and start closing my eyes for sleep... Only to be rudely awakened by my paycheck. See, when my paycheck comes in, it teleports in. Bits are made of gold. Now, when gold lands between my legs, I scream in sheer pain.

"FUUUUUUUCK!!!"

Author's Note

Um... this exists now! Yay! :D

Update the second: I didn't think everything would spin out of control so gracefully!
Also, I am finally going to number the chapters. Hoo Rah.

Chapter 2: Anon Gets Angry And Shit

I sigh as I walk to work with my newspaper. Today feels like a bad day already. I pass by the familiar buildings as I head to work. I lazily wave at Spearhead as I pass him. “That kind of day huh?” He asks.

“Yep,” I reply, never turning around. He shrugs and returns to guarding. See, when a bad day starts, I feel it. It’s not like a foreboding feeling or some stupid shit like that. I just feel like the day sucks from the get go. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not psychic. I don’t predict when a good or bad day happens like events such as terrorist attacks or criminal appearances. I predict that something will personally suck for today. I enter my office and sit in my chair. I look over the newspaper I brought to see if anything interesting could brighten my mood. After several minutes, I put down the news paper and call in the first entrant. “Next!”

The first entrant trots in, a normal unicorn. Except for the fact that his eyes are bloodshot and his less than graceful movement. “Woah dude! First dibs on the pass! Narly,” the obviously high unicorn says.

“... Did you take weed?” I ask incredulously.

“Yupperinos my broski. I took some weed I found in a bin, took in a couple puffs, and boom! Instant sensational bliss,” he says, giggling a little. He looks at me. “Hey, do you have anything I could munch on? I’m sick hungry bro.”

“...” I wordlessly pressed the detain button. As the baked pony stumbles around, Spearhead looks in and notices the intoxicated stallion.

“The first guy?” He asks. I nod with a bemused look. “... I am so sorry.” I shrug.

“Welcome to horseland, where ponies can be either ingenious or dumb as shit,” I simply say. Spearhead sighs deeply before taking the stallion away. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”

The next creature that comes in is a green sneezing and coughing hippogriff. Great. “I say dear fellow, the- “ he stops his British to sneeze. “The weather here is rather chilly,” he coughs a few times into his claw before using said claw to give me his papers.

“Woah woah woah,” I say. He sneezes and gives me a puzzled look. “You are going to need...” I reach down and pull out a cabinet filled with stuff. I pull out two things. Hand sanitizer, and tissues. I pull it up and offer it. “To sanitize your sickly shitty self.”

“... Brilliant! Why haven’t I thought of that?” The hippogriff asks. I pull up the box of tissues and hand them to him. “You know, I don’t know why I’m sick. I was very clean and hygienic in Yakyakinstan,” he mentions. I roll my eyes. Hippogriffs have two forms. One allows them to be in water, and the other allows them to be in the air. While many are okay with going outside of the water, not many go outside of Equestria. All they know about the outsides of Equestria, is that different creatures live everywhere. They don’t understand the temperature changes.

“Really? Do you have anything warm to wear?” The hippogriff laughs.

“Silly, I live underwater, why would I get clothes for underwater?” He asks. I face palm. Sighing, I refrain from calling him an absolute dumbass.

“You caught a cold since you were probably freezing whenever you got to Yakyakinstan. Freezing temperatures can give you illnesses. You’re lucky to be alive so far,” I say. He tilts his head.

“Why?”

“Most would have accidentally died from the below-zero-temperatures,” I say bluntly. He blanches as I look through his papers. “Welp, I recommend to go home, get some aqua-vegan-chicken-soup, and get over the cold,” I advise, handing him his papers. He nods.

“Will do. Thank you, you are quite a chap!” He exits with a runny nose, and a smile. I sigh. How could this get worse?

“Next!” I look up to see the next entrant. I sigh deeply at what I see. I just had to ask, didn’t I? Before me stands a Minotaur. Not any plain Minotaur though, a red, king Minotaur. He looks down at me, handing me his papers. The only documents I get though, are papers for diplomats. See, I’ve met Minotaurs before. They’re stupid as shit. Except Ironwill, he’s a damn good lawyer in a pinch. Minotaurs have a monarchy kinda system. There’s a king, and that’s it. Apparently this system has led to the downfall of a previous Minotaur civilization about four hundred years ago. Like I said, stupid as shit. Another fun fact about them, is that they are, ironically enough, fans of puzzle games like mazes and the stupid crossword puzzles on newspapers. I’ve met plenty of them. Strangely enough, they always either forget their passport, or never heard of them. It always pissed me off. Which reminds me... “I wanted to see you,” I say with a determined look.

“... Why would you need to see the king, ape?” The king asks with a smug look.

“What. The. FUCK. Is going on. With your country?” I ask, trying not to yell with the rage of a thousand suns. The king leans away from me and my outburst.

“Excuse me?”

“Ever heard of a passport motherfucker?!” I yell. Flashbacks of that excuse piss me off to this day. “Almost every single Minotaur has never even heard of passports! What the fuck man!?” I continue. The king does a double take, confused and surprised by my explosive personality. He quickly remembers who’s taller and growls at me.

“Watch your tone ape, I’ll-“

“I don’t give a fuck!” I yell. His eyes go wide in fear when I retaliate against him. “I had to sit through a lot of goddamn tantrums because of the fact that they didn’t know what a passport was! One dude smashed my desk! Another dude socked me in the fucking face! I don’t give a shit who the fuck you are, explain to me why the hell you assholes don’t have passports!” I yell.

“... W-well, um, see, us Minotaurs are working out other problems. Passports are the least of our worries since we normally don’t have to move anywhere. We haven’t gotten around to making passports,” he explains. I sigh, sitting down, closing my eyes and rubbing my temples.

“So, you mean to tell me, the reason you guys don’t have passports, is because you can’t find the time to make them?” I ask. He nods. I face palm so friggen hard, it hurts. “Just this once, I’ll let you through. In return, make a fucking passport center if you fucking need to.” I hand him his papers and he quickly leaves with his tail between his legs. I hear the citation machine click away until I receive a pink slip.

I got a penalty of fifty bits for scaring the red king. I simply tear it in half. I don’t give a flying fuck. Seriously, the guy is twice as big as I am, and I’m twice as big as a pony. He’s supposed to be the toughest king out of all of them. I lean towards the mic, “Next!”

The next entrant is... Princess Cadance. She freezes upon spotting me, and comically rubs her eyes with her wings.

“... Anon, is that you?” She asks.

“... Fuck you,” I simply say. She only groans in defeat.

“Why does that have to be your greeting every time I say hello?”

“Because I don’t believe in love,” I simply say. “It’s a conspiracy, and I am not letting myself become a consumer of chaos.” Cadence doesn’t even blink as she gives me a deadpan stare.

“... Right, well here’re my papers,” she says. I take her papers and look over.

“You know, funnily enough, someone’s impersonated you yesterday,” I comment. Cadence quirks an eyebrow.

“Why?”

“To get in, why else?”

“Well, I mean, why are they trying to get in?” I roll my eyes.

“I dunno, work, money, sex, I’ve seen people get in for drugs that only Equestrians have,” I reply.

“D-drugs!? W-why would anyone want to cross a border for drugs!?” Cadence asks. I scoff. I’m just going to ignore the fact that she didn’t even bat an eyelash when I mentioned sex.

“You’d be surprised. I did a bit of questioning myself, and it turns out that Equestrians tend to have the most powerful anesthetics and drugs due to how much a regular pony can take,” I explain. Cadence sighs.

“But why would anyone just want drugs? That’s horrible-“

“Cadence. Not everyone is okay with life. For some, they cope by taking stuff that relaxes them. For me, I yell at people. In any case, it looks like you’re good to go,” I say, handing her papers back.

“Very well, goodbye Anon,” Cadence says.

“Fuck you,” I reply. Cadence sighs, shaking her head as she exits. Before I lean towards the mic, she pops her head in.

“Oh, I forgot to mention, an Element of Harmony is coming in next,” she says. I shrug. I lean towards the mic as she leaves. “Next!”

The next entrant is a familiar blue pegasus with a rainbow mane. “You!?” She asks upon spotting me. I quirk an eyebrow.

“... Dipshit?” I ask. Rainbow Dash groans.

“For the last time, my name is Rainbow Dash!” She says.

“... Nah, pretty sure it’s Dipshit,” I say. Steam literally blows out of her ears as her face turns red.

“I’ll teach you to-“

“Hey, can I see your papers now? I kinda want to hurry things along.”

“Isn’t there someone more... I dunno, qualified to be here?” Rainbow asks, crossing her forelegs as she hovers in front of the window.

“Heh, sorry Skittles, I’m your only way into the country by legal means. Papers please,” I say. Rainbow huffs and hands me her paperwork.

“I bet you’ll deny me just because you want to,” she mumbles angrily. I freeze as the words reach my ears.

“Okay, hold up, why the hell would I do that?” I ask seriously.

“I dunno, maybe because you’re a jerk?” She challenges. I scoff.

“Oh please, I’m not a jerk. I’m an asshole. An asshole that does his job properly,” I correct. Rainbow rolls her eyes, and waits impatiently for me to finish. “Besides, if I deny you for no reason, a bit of my pay gets docked, not that it’ll matter. I’m rather well off compared to shitty apple bucking.”

“I seriously doubt you’re paid that much to begin with-“

“I currently have enough money to buy all of Ponyville with enough left over for an ice cream cone,” I start. I look up at her wide eyes. “The best part is, I’m not a total dick. If you think I’m lying, ask Applejack. She’s got a couple hundred bits from me as a loan.” I hand Rainbow her papers. While I’m not entirely accurate about how much I can buy, I have actually given Applejack a loan of two hundred bits. Her wagon broke apart and she needed repairs. Seeing as how she’s one of my only friends/delightful-annoyances, I decided to help. I don’t really care if she pays back, I have too much money anyway. Rainbow Dash’s face turns smug.

“You know what? I will ask her! I bet a hundred bits that you’re lying,” Rainbow Dash says with the cockiest attitude I’ve ever seen.

“Sure, whatever Dipshit,” I say as she flies off. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”

The next few hundred entrants were normal. Until this one. This entrant is a light blue unicorn with a lighter blue mane. She wear a starry cape and a nerd/wizard hat. She bursts through the door, rearing on her hind legs.

“Hello Inspector, I am the Great-“

“Oh God, another narcissistic asshole,” I say. I know the types. Very easy to spot. They’re loud, obnoxious, and demand attention whenever they can. The mare narrows her eyes at me as she stands on all fours.

“You dare speak against the Great and Powerful Trixie! I should call the guards on a filthy ape like you!” She says. I sigh. Narcissists are really fucking annoying. I simply crouch down and pick up my crossbow. I stand up and set it on the table. Trixie’s eyes go wide at the ranged weapon. I only wear a bemused expression as I point at the weapon.

“Do you see this? This is a crossbow. I have shot over fifteen terrorists, many of those shots killed them. I don’t give a damn about what you think you did was awesome. I just want to do my job. Capiché?” I ask. See, when there’s a narcissistic pony, I just have to show that I’m the fucking apex predator in the room. When a dragon or griffon’s here, I just have to yell louder. For yaks, I just have to solve a math problem. Surprisingly, Minotaurs back down easily if I just say ‘cut that shit out’. See, I don’t care if this is impolite or wrong. I just want them to shut the fuck up.

“Um, okay, the Great and Powerful Trixie will um... here are Trixie’s papers,” Trixie says. I hate it when they talk in third person. It’s so weird. Just talk in first person so that you don’t sound like an asshole. I put my crossbow away, satisfied with Trixie’s submission.

“Thank you,” I say. I grab her papers and look over them... The passport’s expiration date was two weeks ago. “... Trixie, why is this expired by two weeks?” I ask calmly.

“What!? That is a mistake! Trixie renewed it two weeks ago in the Minotaur’s country!” She says.

“Wait, the Minotaur- Are you saying you renewed your passport in a country that doesn’t have passports?” I ask. Trixie gives me a puzzled look.

“What do you mean? Trixie renewed it at a polishing store. Not only did they renew it, they also made it look new,” she says. As I process this, I slowly get more and more pissed. I look at the passport’s cover to notice how new the cover looks.

“... How old was your last passport?” I ask, keeping a calm mask.

“Trixie thinks it was about two years old,” she replies. I nod.

“Was the cover dirty?”

“Yes.”

“And when you got this back, it was shiny?”

“Yes, Trixie does not see-“

“You went to a polishing store. They thought that when you said you wanted to renew it, that you wanted to polish it up,” I say.

“... Trixie feels dumb,” Trixie says with embarrassment.

“... Yeah... you should,” I say. I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. “You know what? Fuck it, I’ll let you pass. Just, renew it when you get the chance.”

“Trixie will renew it properly this time!” Trixie says. I give her papers back and sigh. I hear the citation machine and groan.

“I’m starting to really hate Minotaurs...”

The last entrant leaves the booth, pissed at how I called him a fatass. Why the fuck would someone compete in an eating competition right before leaving a country? I sigh as I grab whatever I needed and head out of my office. As I walk away from the office, I notice Spearhead catching up to me. “Anon, you won’t believe this,” he says. I don’t even try to look interested.

“This is literally a land of magic and friendship. Tell me whatever fucking miracle it is that I could not possibly believe at this point,” I say. Spearhead scoffs.

“How about the announcement that Princess Cadence made?” He asks. I stop.

“What announcement?”

“Anyone can come to Equestria for the sole purpose of rehabilitation now. As long as they got a rehabilitation permit,” he says. I start rubbing my temples. That stupid bitch. Anyone that comes to Equestria for rehabilitation purposes shouldn’t have to have paperwork for that kind of shit.

“This is bad,” I say. Spearhead stops and turns to me.

“Why? I thought it was good news.”

“You’re paid to think it’s good news. It’s bad news because everyone will have to either pay for unnecessary paperwork, or lie about it and say they don’t need it. Rehabilitating individuals is a broad subject, so I’ll have to detain anyone that overdoes anything. That includes anger, smoking, alcohol, work, and pretty much anything that needs either therapy or help. So, this law is not only pointless, but too vague for me to determine whether or not I’m supposed to detain people who should not be detained.”

“... Yeah, I think I see how badly this will go,” Spearhead replies as realization hits him.

“I’ve thought about it before. I’ll have to let Cadence know how bad this will end up,” I say. Spearhead sighs.

“You know the princesses Anon, if you want to prove them wrong, you’ll have to show it,” He replies. I groan.

“Of course. I’m one of the only people here with common fucking sense. Fuck me for being normal,” I say. Halfway to my house, Spearhead left when his wife came up to him to tell him his parents decided to pay a surprise visit. Good news, Spearhead will finally take a break for once. Bad news, I’ll be getting an idiot for a guard.

I head home, and watch some tv. Nothing really interested me. I ate a muffin, got my paycheck, and went to bed. At some point, I heard a faint scream of anger from Ponyville. That made me have pleasant dreams.

Author's Note

Yep. I ain’t giving up on this. I’ll post chapters at least once or twice a month. Have a swell day

Chapter 3: Effin’ Princess...

I wake up, hearing my alarm clock. Fricken Wednesdays. I don’t like Wednesdays. They’re always long. Today is gonna be a looong day. I sigh, getting up and walking to my closet. After changing clothes, I sit on my couch to watch early morning news. A knock on the front door, however, stops me. I quirk an eyebrow as I get up to answer the door. Who the hell would be visiting me this morning? I open the door to find a fuming pack of skittles. “I hate you,” she says plainly, holding out a bag of bits. I look at the bag with confusion before it clicks.

“The bet yesterday? You do know that I forfeited last night right?” I lie. She gives me a look of confusion. I walk to my room, grab a couple bags of bits, and walk back. “Here you go. I lost,” I say. I toss the bags of bits at her and she catches them. She looks at the money in utter confusion.

“Wait, but-“

“See ya later dipshit,” I say before shutting the door. Hopefully she’ll fuck off now.

The office is nice and cold today. I like it when it’s cold. It kinda gives it a sort of completion. When I entered my office, I didn’t see the substitute guard. Either the guy slept in or- my thought process is interrupted by three knocks on my door. I bet that’s him. I get up and open the door to see a saluting guard pony. “Glory to Equestria, Sir!” He yells. I had to cover my ears from his voice. Great, another enthusiast. Enthusiasts are tricky to deal with. You don’t want to completely destroy their dreams, but they’re annoying as hell. I, on the other hand, don’t give a shit. I sigh.

“Can you keep it down? It’s too early for that shit,” I say. He shrinks back with shock. One day, Ponies will learn that I will swear and it shouldn’t be surprising.

“... Sir, did you-“

“Yep. I cussed. Whoopdee-fucking-doo.”

“... Isn’t it a violation to cuss?”

“Yes.”

“... And you’re completely fine with it?”

“Yep.” The guard squints at me.

“Are you really the Passport Inspector?” He asks. I roll my eyes.

“The literally one and only human on the entire damn planet that is competent enough to do my job as well as I have. You tell me,” I say. His face changes to confusion.

“I kinda expected you to be... better,” he states. I grimace.

“Listen, there are ponies who are extremely professional, do everything right, and never do anything meaningful. Then, there are ponies who would mistake the keys to their house with a pair of scissors, and yet they are utter geniuses. Just because I cuss and act unprofessional, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to do my job,” I say. At this rate of life lessons, I can’t wait to go get beer this weekend. I only have to survive a few more days. The guard sighs and shrugs. He walks back to his post in deep thought. I put my attention on the letter that’s on my desk. Now that introductions were out of the way. I take it and open it to find Celestia’s handwriting.

‘Dear Anon

I would like to inform you that a new law has been passed. Anyone in need of therapy or rehabilitation, will need documentation and a permit. If you see anyone in desperate need of such services, deny them. DO. NOT. DETAIN. THEM.

I smirk at that bit. Celly’s learning!

Furthermore, I request that you do not handle arrogent- terrible- stupid- inexperienced leaders or rulers in your usual, notable, and off-putting way. I do, however, request you show the representative of Yakyakinstan around Canterlot on Sunday morning, as they specifically requested you and declined my more respectable ponies. Do not fret, my sister shall accompany you to the nearest bar after the event is done.

I wish good health,
Princess Celestia.

PS- please refrain from tearing Equestria’s reputation down in front of the yaks. ’

Great. I sigh and call in the first creature. “Next!”

A white stallion unicorn with blue hair walks in. Shit. Princess Bitch’s brother, Shining Armor. He sees me and glares. He walks up silently.

“Papers please,” I say. He shoves his papers into my hand with a huff. I roll my eyes. “Look asshole, I don’t care what military or political position you have, your sister was a bitch,” I state. He gives me a smug look.

“I can report you for your vulgar language,” he says. I shrug and hand him a pen and paper from under my desk. He looks at it with confusion.

“Go ahead. Write them a letter,” I challenge. He eyes me as he takes the pen and writes out his complaint on paper. Once he finishes, he uses his magic to send the letter. As I check Shining’s papers, his response appears. He opens the letter and scans through. He growls to himself and shows me the letter.

“Is this a joke!?” He asks. I look at the letter and read out loud.

“Dear Shining Armor. While we are understanding of your situation, we are not in a position to complain about his wording. He is the least of anyone’s problems. While vulgar language is an inconvenience, he is the best at his job. No other pony or creature on Equis is able to do just as well as him,” I read. “Furthermore, I request that you do not even mention him as a problem ever again, as he should be the least of your problems as well. Sincerely, Princess Celestia. Damn dude, you got a cold shoulder and a bitch slap,” I say. Shining looks fucking furious.

“How can you do a good job if you can’t even follow one of the simplest of rules!?” He yells. I quirk an eyebrow.

“I dunno, how can you forget to invite your sister to your wedding,” I hold up one finger. “Never realize your wife was acting like a schizophrenic,” I hold up another finger. “Never stopped to think your sister might have a reason to act like she did,” I hold up another finger. “Aaaand told someone, who doesn’t like keeping secrets, a secret that you should’ve told your sister first,” I held up my pinkie. Shining’s fuming. “Should I go on, or do you already feel like an ass?” I ask, leaving my middle finger up. I was in Ponyville, babysitting Derpy’s kid during the wedding, and Applejack had told me what all happened afterwards when she came back. Even she felt bad and stupid when she looked back on it. I start to give his papers the green stamp, but stop when I realize his face is red. “Oof, you look angry. Do you have any rehabilitation papers?” He stamps a hoof down. I think he cracked the desk.

“WHY THE BUCK DO I NEED ANY REHABILITATION PAPERS!?!?” He yells in fury.

“Well, some ponies tend to have unreasonable anger issues,” I say condescendingly.

“I AM NOT ANGRY-“

“You need anger management classes,” I say, giving his papers a red stamp. He yells in frustration.

“WHY AM I GETTING A BUCKING RED STAMP!?!?”

“New law. Ask your wife about it,” I say, trying my best to not laugh at the unexpected events. Shining Armor stomps out angrily, allowing me to laugh out loud. Once I calm down, I call in the next creature. “Next!”

The door opens to reveal a white, buff as fuck pegasus with the tiniest pair of wings I’ve ever seen. I quirk an eyebrow as he enters. “YEAH!!!” He yells. He hands me his papers.

“... Yeah?” I ask. Buffbro nods fiercely.

“Yeah!” He says. I look at his papers. All good. I look up.

“Rehabilitation?” I ask. He hands me his rehab papers. He needs to be rehabilitated for drug usage. “Hm, yeah,” I simply say. I give him a green stamp and hand his papers back.

“YEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!!” He yells.

“Hell yeah!” I yell, getting into the spirit of it.

“YEAH!!!” He yells before leaving. I chuckle.

“... Yeah,” I say quietly. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”

The next creature to walk in is a brown griffon. With a big coat. “What is it with griffons wearing coats that suicide bombers wear?” I ask. The griffon’s expression is unamused as he wordlessly gives me his papers. While I look over them, he begins speaking.

“You are, quite honestly, the most underwhelming thing I’ve seen in my entire life.” I look up at him and shrug.

“Good enough for me.” I go back to looking over papers.

“Ponies and moose call you barbaric,” he continues. I nod. “The griffons call you short tempered.”

“That sounds about right.”

“The Minotaurs call you scary.”

“Hell yeah they should.”

“The hippogriffs and yaks, for some reason, say you’re one of the nicest creatures they’ve met.” I stop and slowly look up at him.

“Excuse me?” I ask.

“Exactly! They all have a somewhat different picture of you, each with their own exaggerated view. How is it that all these statements are about you?”

“No, I mean the nice bit. Why the hell do they think I’m nice? I cussed and taunted them just as much as I do with everyone else,” I say. The griffon quirks an eyebrow.

“Really? That’s what you’re wondering about?”

“Yes.”

“... You are an amusing creature indeed,” he genuinely says with a smile.

“Yep. Now, get your shit and get out,” I say, handing him his green stamped passport.

The rest of the day goes by smoothly. Smoothly as in, I denied many, many angry creatures. They didn’t have the rehabilitation papers. As my shift ended, I was about to yell over to the new guy to see if he was interested in playing poker, but instead, I see a bright flash. Then, an angry pink princess. I smirk when I see her. “Yo, whaddup?” I ask casually. I take a quick glance around to see that I’m at the Crystal Empire’s castle. Specifically, the throne room. The walls are crystal, the window glass is crystal, the floor is crystal, and the rugs? They’re crystal too. Wanna know what the chandelier was made of? It’s made of wood you assuming piece of shit. They couldn’t make everything crystal, it would be stupid.

“What. The. Buck.” Cadence strains, trying not to unleash her fury and wrath on me.

“Well, when two ponies love each other very much-“

“ANSWER THE BUCKING QUESTION!!!” She shrieks.

“Which is?” I ask calmly.

“Why was my husband denied today?”

“He has anger issues.”

“And that’s a reason to deny him because?”

“He needed rehabilitation papers. It is technically illegal to not have rehab papers when you need rehab.”

“Since when!?”

“Yesterday,” I say, as if it was an obvious fact. “Since the stupid, vague, and technically personally intrusive law came out, it applied to anything that would need rehabilitation.”

“Explain to me why it’s stupid and intrusive,” Cadence demands.

“Easy. It’s stupid because no one should have to have it. In a way, it’s like telegraphing your personal issues for the whole world to see. Now, can you please teleport me back to my house,” I say. Cadence puts her face in her hooves, breathing in and out slowly. I can practically hear her trying to convince herself that murdering me isn’t worth it. She looks at me. After a couple of moments, she smirks.

“You’ll have to walk home,” she says smugly. “As punishment for-“

“Okay,” I say. I spin around and start walking. Cadence blinks in surprise and squints her eyes at me.

"What is he planning?" She asks herself.

1 Day Later

I look out the window as the train I’m riding in rocks back and forth. It’s a long train ride, which surprises me. I figured that we’d be a lot closer to Canterlot at least, but instead it had taken most of yesterday and we’re finally going to arrive at Canterlot in half an hour. We stopped by a couple developing towns, picking up many different creatures. Currently, five creatures sit in the train car with me. Two adult ponies, a kid griffon, a hippogriff, and a crystal pony. The kid came in about an hour ago. On a scale of Eh to suspicious, this kid is about midway. He keeps staring at me, curiosity written plainly on his face. I look over to see if he’s still staring, but he’s actually walking up. Great. He leaps into the seat beside me and looks up at me. I quirk an eyebrow. “What?” I ask.

“Pardon my rudeness, but what are you?” He asks. I roll my eyes.

“I’m a human. Probably the only one in the world.”

“... Are you an inspector?” He asks. I smirk.

“What made you get that idea?”

“Well, you have a hat that officials at Griffonstone wear, your uniform is nice and clean, and I notice that you keep eyeing everything.” My eyes widen. This is the most observant griffon I’ve met. I chuckle.

“You’re right. I’m a passport inspector at Equestrian Border Checkpoint.” The little griffon’s eyes open wide as he gasps in excitement. Oh crap.

“Did you let my dad go through last month!?” He asks. I quirk an eyebrow.

“... I don’t know. What does he look like?” I inquire. The kid sits on his hunches and scratches his chin/lower-beak.

“Well, he’s probably about half your size, has brown and white feathers with a red crest, and he has a funny accent that a few ponies have up north. Oh, and he’s super nice!” He describes. I look at him blankly before I get a sudden flashback.

“... Canadian Bacon?” I ask. The kid jumps up and down in excitement.

“That’s my dad!” He says excitedly. I remember Canadian Bacon. I feel a little relieved as I look at the kid.

December 24, 20XX

I lean towards the mic. “Next!” I say. God, what I’d do for a few gallons of whiskey right now. The next creature to enter the Checkpoint is another griffon. Great. I’ve figure out by now that griffons were mostly assholes. This griffon is white and brown, red accents and a crest. He’s also got the biggest fucking smile ever. “Oh great, another ass,” I mutter.

“I’m not a donkey, I’m a griffon,” he says cheerfully. I quirk an eyebrow. Is that a Canadian accent? It’s been a while since I’ve heard such an accent. He hands me his papers. “Boy, it’s been a great day!” He continues.

“If you get happier, I might just puke,” I comment. His face changes to concern as I wordlessly inspect his passport. I doubt I’d be able to get under his skin. Taking a quick glance at him, he looks like he’s about to talk. Five bits says he’ll ask what I am and shit.

“... How’s your day?” He asks. I freeze as the question hits me. I look at him with a confusion.

“What?”

“I was wondering how your day was, that’s all,” he says sincerely. Silence ensues as I try to find a response. The griffon merely patiently waits.

“... I guess it could be better,” I reply honestly.

“Really? Why?” I look at his face closely, trying to find any malice in his features. Seeing none, I sigh and decide that talking would be good for me.

“Well, I was trying to calm this one dude down from a tantrum earlier. He didn’t have a passport, and I had to deny him. He got all fucking pissy and tried to grab me. He screamed at me, saying I was a worthless creature that just so happens to do a job well enough. It... it kind of reminded me of...” I trail off, the will to continue dying as I stopped. I finally just went back to checking his passport.

“... You don’t have to tell me. I think I understand. I wish I could understand it better. I’m not gonna lie, I don’t know what you’re going through. But, I had one friend who has the same look as you do. Tired, angry, and wanting nothing more than to blame the world. You don’t need to tell me,” he comforts. I look up at him, a small form of a relieved feeling inside me. I smirk.

“... You’re nice. It says your name is... Canadian Bacon?” I ask. Canadian Bacon? That’s a fucking name?! What the fuck horse land!? Canadian chuckles.

“Yep, it’s a pretty strange name. I asked my folks how they came up with it, and they had no clue apparently,” he responds. I call fucking bullshit, but for now, I’ll allow it to slide. Canadian suddenly perks up. “Oh! I almost forgot!” He reaches behind himself and pulls out a card. A business card. “You should come over to my sister’s bar at downtown Manehatten! It’s got the best stuff around!” He says proudly. Chuckling, I take the card.

“Alright, I’ll try to get there,” I promise. I hand him his green stamped passport. With a friendly wave, he walks out. I smirk. Nice guy. I turn to the mic. “Next!” I say.

Suddenly, the alarms went off, and the shudder flew down. I quickly grab my crossbow and ran outside. Was that dude faking!? I look around wildly before seeing a crowd of guards chasing a pony. Canadian Bacon stands a few feet away, surprise clear on his face. I charge past him to see the pony that’s apparently causing a big problem. I level my weapon at the terroristic creature. “Stay back!” I yell. The pony keeps charging, and I see something strapped under his barrel. Oh shit. I fired a shot, which hits him between his eyes. He collapses, rolling for a couple feet before stopping near us. I turn to Canadian Bacon and start backing him up. “We need to go!” I yell. Canadian looks up at me, his face full of fear. He looks over and his eyes widen in surprise. I understood immediately and swiveled around with my crossbow. I see a razor coming towards me, thus I let go of the crossbow with my left hand to block the blade. I feel the blade Impale my hand. Shit. I use my other hand to aim my weapon at the attacker. After a thunk was heard, the terrorist fell down. A pool of blood forms around my feet. I let go of the crossbow and look at my hand. It hurts like a bitch. Canadian starts to come forward to help me, but an explosion knocks us both over. I black out.

Two Days Later...

I stand by Bacon’s bed with his sister. She barely resembles Bacon. Instead of brown feathers, she has purple. Her eyes are lime, and doesn’t have red accents or crests. We ran into each other a couple minutes ago. She bitched at me for being in the way, and I bitched at her for yelling at me. Then, a nurse came in and bitched at us for being loud. I hold a ‘Get Well’ balloon I stole from another patient. What? I sure as hell ain’t buying a fucking balloon. I’m American bitch, we take shit and say we legally own it because we said it first. I sigh internally. Not the best time for that shit. Bacon’s sister sighs after we sit in silence for a couple minutes. She turns to me. “Why are you here?” She asks.

“Well, I was the passport inspector that tried to take down two numb nuts. As you can see, one of them died with a bang and it dealt side effects,” I say. I look at Bacon. “This guy is the third creature I’ve met that has asked me how my day was. The first creature is tolerable, and the second is a nice friend,” I continue. I look at the sister. “If this is a pattern, I’ll have to do something for this guy.” The sister looks offended.

“Canad isn’t-“

“Canad? What kind of fucking name is Canad?” I ask seriously.

“Shut up. Canad isn’t the type of griffon to do that!” She continues. I smirk.

“How much you wanna bet?” I ask. The sister takes out ten bits and places them on the table next to Bacon’s bed.

“Ten.” Her confidence is her downfall, I can say that right now. “I know Canad would never ask you for anything Mr... Buck, I don’t know your name,” she finishes.

“It’s Anon, but most just call me, ‘That-asshole-who-stamps-papers.’ Now, what’s your name?” I ask. The griffon smirks.

“My name’s Whiskey May.” I only stare at her. “... What? Don’t like my-“

“Where the hell can I find your bar, I need to have a long night of drinking after all this,” I quickly say. Whiskey chuckles.

“Easy monkey, I’m not sure how well you’d be able to handle my liqu-“ I pull out twenty bits and put them on the table.

“Twenty says I can down ten shots in a row.”

“... Deal,” she says. She takes a claw, spits in it and offers a handshake. I take my hand, spit in it, and shake her claw.

“... Mr Inspector?” Canadian asks. I perk up at hearing him and look at his face. For a guy who took an explosion, he’s looking good. By good, I mean his wings are fucked, his legs might work, and he might be blind in the left eye if his bandages are any indication. “What’re you doing here?” He asks. I shrugged.

“Felt bad and shit.”

“Why?” He asks. Whiskey and I sigh. First thing he asks after waking up, is why I feel bad. Now I know why his name is Canadian Bacon.

“I should have figured there would be two terrorists.”

“... Didn’t your hand get stabbed?” He suddenly asks. Whiskey’s eyes widen and looks at my hands. I look at the hand that was stabbed, seeing a scar. When I asked the doctors about it, they literally shrugged and magically healed it. When I asked why they didn’t do it earlier, they told me it wasn’t serious. I call bullshit.

“Huh? Oh yeah. Magic,” I explain unenthusiastically. Bacon laughs at the explanation.

“Consarn ponies eh Mr Inspector?” He asks. I nodded, smirking.

“Yep.”

“... What’s your real name Mr Inspector?” Bacon asks.

“Name’s Anon. Your sister came in a few minutes ago and started yelling at me,” I say nonchalantly.

“Yeah, that sounds about right. Oh! By the way-“

“No,” Whiskey says instantly. I quirk an eyebrow as I watch two siblings argue.

“Aw, but you don’t-“

“I know precisely what you’re going to ask. You’re going to ask if I’ve got laid yet,” she says with an unamused expression. Bacon puts on an offender look while I start laughing.

“I would never ask that! I would ask if you’ve snagged a nice guy yet,” he protests.

I sigh as I look at the time an hour later. I have to go soon. I look at Whiskey and Bacon still arguing over something silly, though more than anything else, it’s friendly banter. I turn to leave, only for a voice to stop me.

“Hey, Anon?” Bacon asks. I turn around with a quirked eyebrow.

“Yeah?”

“I know my family would be rearing to see me... and I know that it might go against your rules, but-“

“Dammit!” Whiskey says suddenly. She grumpily grabs the ten bits on the table and shoves them to me. I chuckle.

“Forfeit,” I say simply before grabbing the twenty bits on the table and handing them to her. She looks up at me in surprise before slowly taking the bits. Bacon only chuckles in response.

“... Anyway, I know this might break some rules, but... Can you make sure my family comes to see me from the Checkpoint?” He asks. I stare at him for a moment before nodding.

“Will do Bacon, I owe you one,” I say before walking out. As I walk down the stairs, I hear the flap of wings behind me.

“Hey, the-asshole-who-stamps-papers,” I hear whiskey say. I look behind myself to see Whiskey hovering with her wings. “I forfeit,” she says, tossing a bag of bits. I grab it in midair. I look at it before smirking.

“Thanks.”

“... You’ll keep Bacon’s promise right?” She asks. I look up at her to see her giving me pleading eyes. I nod.

“I’m a man of my word. I’ll make sure his family gets here...”

Author's Note

This chapter was brought to you by: Way too much time spent on it.

Hope you enjoyed the darker mood of this chapter, but don’t worry though! More bullshit shenanigans will ensue!

And as always, if you want to suggest a character for this asshole to yell at, go ahead and tell me in the comments or PM me.

Chapter 4: Fricken Kids

I continue to stare at the excited kid. Now that I think about it, why is he acting like this is news? “I’m finally gonna see Dad again! I’m finally gonna see my dad again!” He says excitedly. Okay, what the fuck?

“Kid, your dad’s been in the hospital for the past few weeks. Didn’t you know that?” I ask. The kid stops and looks at me in confusion.

“Hospital?” He asks.

“Yeah, because of the attack,” I say. He gasps.

“He was attacked?” He asks. Oh shit. Why doesn’t the kid know anything?

“... Yeah, I’ll let your dad tell you what happened when we get to him. In the mean time, where’s your mom?” I ask. The kid chuckles nervously.

“Weeellll, I kinda ran away...” I only stare at him for a minute before face palming.

“Do you have a passport?” I ask. He tilts his head.

“What’s a-“ I clasp his beak shut with my hand. If he asks what it is, I might just hurt him. I don’t care if he’s a child, but that question has pissed me off so much in the past. I will lose it if I hear it one more goddamn time.

“Right, I guess I’ll have to act as a legal guardian. As for passports, I-“ I freeze mid sentence. I rummage through my pockets.

Fuck. No passport. I sigh, rubbing my temples. Maybe I can bullshit my way in. I turn to the kid. “Alright, what’s your name kid?”

“My name’s Maple!” He says. I can’t decide if I should laugh at him or cry for him. I merely pat his head.

“Alright Maple, let’s get you to your father.”

We finally arrive at Canterlot’s Equestrian Checkpoint. Stepping off the crystal train, I look around to see the train station. The train station consists of the platform I stand on, which is wide enough to match the train’s length. The floor is concrete, white and spotless. Various concrete columns hold up the roof of the area. Near the entrance of the station, is a ticket booth. The station has a few lamps around, magically lit to illuminate the place. Various benches sit near the edges of the platform. A sign is dangling from the ceiling, which reads, ‘Welcome To Equestria’ in curvy letters. The station is pretty close to empty. There are only a few creatures here, trying to board the train to go somewhere else. I keep Maple in front of me as we walk around. I notice a sign that points towards Canterlot.

“Woah,” I hear Maple say. I look to see that he’s staring at the magically lit lamps. “I’ve never seen this much magic before,” he comments. I smirk.

“There’s gonna be a lot more buddy,” I reply. I tug Maple along, making sure he doesn’t run off and get lost. We pass the booth and step out of the shade of the train station. I look at the sky to see the sun starting to get low. I keep Maple in proximity with me as we hurry our way to the beginning of the line to Canterlot.

Canterlot sits on a mountain, sure, but at the foot of the mountain, there is a Border Checkpoint. The Canterlot Checkpoint. I asked why this one was called the Canterlot Checkpoint, and the princesses said that ‘Canterlot was apparently too special for the nobles to call the Checkpoint an Equestrian Border Checkpoint.’ I believe it. The nobles are so far up their own asses, it’s a miracle they can breathe the unrefined air of ‘Everywhere else’. Anyway, the giant stone walls I was expecting to see was not what turns up. The border near Canterlot is guarded by neon purple fences made of beams of magic. How the hell did I not notice this before? I look to see a long line forming in front of a small building next to the magical fence. The line is long, many creatures of all kinds are waiting to enter the land of Equestria. There are griffons, Minotaurs, Ponies, hippogriffs, dragons, and one human. Many of these creatures have aspirations, hopes, and dreams... except me, I just want to go home and take a nap. Fuck having dreams when your job is yelling at people. I wait patiently with the kid next to me. I feel a poke from behind me and turn to see a pegasus. I quirk an eyebrow. “Is... is that your child?” She asks. I shake my head.

“Nah, a friend of mine has been stuck in Equestria, so I’m taking his kid to visit him,” I say. The pegasus gives me a look of confusion.

“Why you?” She asks. I scoff.

“That’s what I’ve been asking,” I reply. The line continuously moves, albeit slowly. I don’t really know how Canterlot’s Checkpoint works, but it should be similar. I just hope we make it to the Checkpoint before it closes. I keep hearing conversations between many of the entrants.

“I heard Equestria’s Checkpoint Inspector can be mean...”

“Are the rumors true.... Human...?”

“I don’t know...”

When a creature comes to the Checkpoint with a little kid, they can enter the booth either one at a time, or together. I personally like it better when they’re together. So, when it is our turn, I step into the booth with Maple in tow. I enter a small room that has a couple chairs. The air smells like roses and shit. Wait, there’s a fucking complimentary chocolate dispenser!? Where the hell is this shit in my Checkpoint!? The walls are white and the floor is carpeted with a royal purple. The passport inspector is behind a glass window with a hole to put in passports. Why the fuck is this place so much nicer than my place!? It doesn’t smell like someone shit in the corner for funsies! No joke, someone actually did that. That pony had to be tazed by the guards. Anyway, I look at the passport inspector to see he’s a blue unicorn with a lime curly mane. To say that his hair should burn is an understatement.

“Hello! Welcome to Equestria, papers please!” He says happily, though he hasn’t looked up yet. Alright, here it goes.

“Yo, my name’s Anon, and I kinda-“ the unicorn looks up to look at me. He gasps.

“Anonymous the human!?” He yells in shock. Maple and I exchanged confused glances. “What are you doing here!?” He asks.

“... Bringing a kid to his dad.”

“No, I mean, Manehatten’s Checkpoint was closed this morning! The substitute had to be called in at one in the afternoon! What happened to you?” He asks.

“... I’m gone for one day and everyone’s gone crazy? I didn’t know I was that special,” I say sarcastically.

“Oh no, your boss called the princesses. She said that she didn’t know what to do! The substitute couldn’t be called at first, and she couldn’t open the border if no one regulates the incoming creatures. The princesses told us the situation and asked around to see if anyone would go to Manehatten until we found either you or the sub. Thankfully, the sub was contacted by Luna. He was apparently trying to enjoy Neighagra Falls with his wife,” the inspector explains. I nod with a grimace.

“Alright. Does that mean I don’t need my passport?” I ask hopefully. The unicorn freezes and chuckles nervously. “... Of fu-“ I cut myself off, remembering the kid’s presence. “... Of course,” I say sarcastically. Maple simply stares at us in confusion.

“So, do we go in, or do we stay out?” He asks. The unicorn sighs.

“I’m sorry, but I’ve already got fifty citations,” he says depressingly. Wait.

“FIFTY!?!?” I scream in pure shock. Maple and the unicorn jump back in surprise from my outburst. “HOW THE HELL DO YOU HAVE FIFTY!?!?” I ask. The pony quickly tries to calm me down.

“Shush! Shush! It’s not that-“

“I barely get any on a day to day basis! How have you gotten this many!? Are you friggen’ blind!?”

“W-well, inspecting passports isn’t my special talent. My talent is just reading quickly,” he explains.

“Okay, but you still friggen’ read!” I point out. “Tell me how you don’t comprehend-“

“Alright fine! I notice the mistakes, but everyone makes common mistakes! I can’t blame Minotaurs for their ignorance to passports! The ponies might just want to return home!” He protests. I pinch the bridge of my nose to stop myself from lunging at him for his stupidity.

“Now, how many of them lied to you and had a bomb?” I ask. The unicorn freezes and sighs.

“Look, I know I’m not the best at my job. I’m not as good as you probably are. But, I’m gonna have to deny you,” he says. I shake my head.

“There’re times where if you look at someone’s eyes, you’ll see if they’re telling the truth. Look at my eyes,” I order. He slowly looks at me in the eyes. “This is the look of someone telling the truth,” I explain. I turn to the entrance and walk out with Maple in tow.

I sigh as I sat against the wall of the Canterlot Border Checkpoint. Maple joins me as he sits next to me. “Will we ever be able to see Dad?” He asks. I chuckle and pat his head.

“We will kiddo, we will,” I reassure. I have a feeling someone’s gonna come up to get us. Though, with the Checkpoint already closing, I doubt we’ll be moving any time soon. We can probably enter in the morning. Soon, Maple lays beside me, shivering in the cold winds. I take off my coat and give it to Maple. While he covers himself, I feel the wind starting to make my arms cold. My soft spot for kids will be the end of me one day...

Meanwhile...

The Throne room in Canterlot Castle is heating up. Literally. Cadance sits before Celestia, wondering why she was called here. Celestia’s piercing glare only confuses and frightens Cadence even more. “So, I have been investigating recently...” Celestia starts. “I heard that the Border Checkpoint in Manehatten has had a terrible hold up today. The Checkpoint that Anon works at.” Cadence’s fear dissolves while confusion remains.

“... Um, okay?” She says. “Do you need me to talk to-“

“He has been missing for the last twenty four hours. He was last seen being teleported with a flash of blue light. I had heard Shining Armor’s complaints earlier that day.” Celestia looms over Cadence. Cadence nervously gulps in fear. “I just want confirmation, face to face, that you had absolutely nothing to do with that, despite my many warnings and advices.” Cadence nervously laughs.

“Um, well, I kind of... teleported him to my throne room,” she admits. Celestia’s glare only deepens.

“And you sent him back. Right?” Celestia asks, squinting her eyes.

“... I figured that what he did wasn’t fair and-“

“Answer. The. Question,” Celestia demands impatiently. Cadence gulps again.

“I... made him walk home on his own...” She admits. Celestia’s face does not contort to rage, fury, or anger. She slowly facehooves, trying not to show any negative emotions.

“Alright. You managed to foalnap a legal citizen and force that same citizen to go home on his own. Tell me, do you remember that the Crystal Empire is still a separate country from Equestria?” Celestia asks. Cadence’s face still resembles fear, but a form of confusion rises up again. “He will have to have his passport to be able to enter Equestria.” Cadence’s eye’s slowly grow wide. “So, thanks to your little tantrum, you managed to trap a citizen in your country. You also managed to disrupt an entire day of work for me, Luna, and a long list of ponies and other creatures. Oh, and let’s not forget the representatives that come through Manehatten.”

“...”

“Oh, and the law you made? It apparently changed the pass/deny ratio dramatically. Now, the denied stamp is used ten times more than the accept stamp. The other countries are now suspecting us of racism!” Celestia exclaims. Cadence’s ears fold back.

“W-why?” She asks. Celestia sighs.

“Ponies tend to be a bit more mild tempered and peaceful. Ponies are the smallest percentage of substance abusers worldwide,” Celestia explains. “That also includes alcohol, drugs, smoking, etcetera.”

“O-oh. I-I didn’t-“

“Stop,” Celestia says. Cadence freezes upon hearing the words. Celestia sighs, her drowsiness becoming clear. “I know you didn’t know. I know you didn’t think this would happen. I realize that Anon is annoying enough to make you throw him off a cliff. I feel that too sometimes,” she admits with a chuckle. “But, you need to realize that you’re just going to have to let it go. I know Anon is vulgar and prideful. Faust knows I’ve put him in an anger management class before.”

“Really?” Cadence asks. Celestia giggles.

“I admit, it was quite amusing to see him act like he was in Tartarus. He never stopped cursing while he was there. He made sure to cuss in every single sentence he said. Thanks to him, I’ve learned a few a phrases. Also thanks to him, Luna uses a few phrases.” Cadence reels back in shock.

“A-auntie Luna?! No, she wouldn’t-“ The door off to the side practically blasts open. An angry Luna steps out.

“To whomst the fuck foalnapped our ally Anonymous!?” She yells. Celestia merely looks at Luna in unamusement.

“Language sister-“

“We are not about to idly stand by with hooves up our asses while Anonymous is in danger!” Luna responds. Cadence’s jaw could not go any lower. Celestia sighs. Luckily, a guard opens the door.

“Princesses! I brought news from the Canterlot Checkpoint!” He states. Luna rushes up and shakes him violently.

“Spit out the tales thou hath for us quickly! We art in haste for the recovery of our drinking ally!” She practically yells. The guard slowly collects himself and speaks.

“The Checkpoint Inspector of Canterlot found the Checkpoint Inspector of Manehatten!” He states with a salute. Luna instantly vanishes. Celestia sighs.

“Ever since Anon offered to go to a bar with Luna, she has acted like Nightmare Night is coming,” she explains. Cadence quickly looks at Celestia.

“Don’t tell her what I did!” she begs. Celestia giggles.

“Don’t worry, I won’t. I don’t think you would survive her fury.”

Meanwhile...

I look up when I hear Luna’s voice. “We require to see Anon!” Maple, sitting beside me, looks up at the sound of Luna. I look up to see that it’s about nighttime, the moon halfway through the sky. The stars are bright, and the moon is actually crooked. I pat Maple’s head and get up. Maple blinks the sleep out of his eyes and yawns.

“Sounds like our ride’s here kiddo,” I say. Maple gives me a look of confusion. I walk over to the entrance of the Checkpoint. “Yo, Luna!” I yell. The door bursts open and a blue mass of fluff flies at me. I fall to the ground as I get hugged by the princess.

“Anon! We have found our drinking companion yet again!” She says gleefully.

“Oh wow! Princess Luna!” Maple says in amazement. Luna’s eyes open wide and hastily gets up. She collects herself before looking at Maple, who’s still staring with wide eyes.

“Greetings little one,” Luna says with formality.

“Wow...” Maple says again. I slowly get up, trying to make sure my bones are fine. Damn alicorn strength.

“Maple, this is Princess Luna. Apparently, I’m her best friend now,” I say. Luna huffs and looks at me with a glare.

“We are not ‘best friends’. We are drinking companions!” Luna says, jabbing a hoof in the air to punctuate her statement.

“... What are drinking companions?” Maple asks. Luna’s pupils turn to pinpricks, and I smirked.

“Ask your dad later. Now, Luna, could you do me a solid?” I ask. Luna tilts her head.

“A solid what?” She asks.

“No, a solid is when you’re asking for a favor,” I explain. I reach over and pat Maple. “This kiddo needs to get to his dad. I made a promise to his dad that I’d make sure his family can see him. I intend to hold up that promise.”

“... Alright, I shall allow it. Shall we teleport to your housing?” Luna asks. I shrug.

“Sure, why not?”

We appear in my living room. The front door is on the floor. Again. God fucking dammit. “... Is your door always on the floor?” Luna asks. I sadly nod. Goddammit Applejack. I look up at a clock to see it’s almost midnight. Shit.

“Well, it seems that we might be too late to visit. We’ll have to wait until the morning,” I say. Luna sighs.

“Well, I am just glad that thou are fine,” she says. I smirk.

“Daw, someone getting feelings?” I ask. Luna visibly gags.

“No! We only wish to spill our troubles over a pint of-“ she stops, remembering Maple’s still here. “... milk,” she finishes. Maple shrugs and looks around.

“Wow! Everything’s big!” He comments. As he runs off, I pray to God he doesn’t knock something over. Luna chuckles.

“You seem to be fine with foals, how is that possible?” She asks. I shrug.

“Soft spot for kids. I dunno how to take care of kids correctly, but damn if I don’t try,” I explain. Luna giggles.

“I understand. I wish thee goodnight Anon,” she says. I give a half assed salute. She teleports out, and I hear the kid open the fridge. I walk to the kitchen to see the kid trying to reach for the orange juice at the top shelf. I smirk and walk over.

“Kiddo, If ya want juice, just ask for it,” I say. I pull out the juice and set it on the counter while Maple sits down. I look through the cabinets and find a nice plastic cup for him to use. I keep plastic cups due to the fact that I don’t normally have time to wash glassware. Keep in mind, I get up at three to four in the morning to get ready. My job lasts over twelve hours. Sometimes I’ll have to do overtime, and sometimes I’d get let off early. Thus, I’d come home around six to seven, and I’d be too tired to do much. In any case, I pour Maple a cup of orange juice and hand it to him. He grabs the cup with one claw and walks with the other three appendages.

“Thank you,” he says politely. I smile. A sudden thought comes to mind. How long has he been running away? The realization of never asking such a simple question hits me. I look at the young griffon, concern on my face.

“Your welcome kid. Now, I’m gonna ask you something, and you have to answer me honestly, okay?”

“Okay!” Maple says.

“... How long have you been away from home?” I ask.

“... Two or three days...” he says sadly. My eyes widen in shock. Two or three days!?

“... Have you eaten anything?” I ask.

“Um, I ate some stuff...” he mutters, taking a sip of his juice. I sigh. This kid. This friggen’ kid. I get up, and walk to the kitchen. I grab a blueberry muffin and an apple. I walk back to the living room and sat beside the confused Maple.

“Here, this is a blueberry muffin. I don’t have particularly much right now, but in a minute, I’ll see if I can make you some breakfast. Okay?”

“... O-okay,” Maple answers, taking the muffin gratefully. I keep an eye on Maple as I eat the apple, watching to see any reaction from him. So far, he looks like he’s realizing something. I can see his eyes threatening to spill salty tears, but Maple tries to keep on a brave face. I finish up my apple in a few minutes, and Maple kept enjoying the muffin and juice. I get up again and head to the kitchen. I open my fridge and look in. Okay, I immediately see that we have eggs and cheese. Since I’ve got some bread somewhere, I’ll make him a egg and cheese sandwich. The thought of the kid starving for a couple days sends a chill up my spine. Poor guy. All alone. I sigh and walk over to the stove to start heating it up.

I bring out an egg and cheese sandwich. It’s currently one in the fucking morning. Why the fuck am I doing all this extra shit? I walk into the living room to see a crying Maple. I sigh and set down the sandwich. I sit next to Maple and he instantly cries into my side. I grimace and pat his head. Okay, I can yell at rulers. I can take a stab to the hand. I can take someone bitch slapping me. But a crying child? No matter how hard I could try to ignore it, I’d always feel like shit. I try to soothe Maple, gently petting his head. “I miss Dad! I miss his pancakes! I miss his hugs! I miss h-his lullabies! I-I-“ I try my best to ignore the pancakes part. I gently sway as a way of rocking the kid while he cries his heart out. I silently pet him, patiently waiting for him to finish letting lose all of the pent up emotions he had.

Author's Note

Okay, so once I published the previous chapter, I realized that I kept thinking about what would happen next. Thus, I went ahead and made this. Hope ya’ll enjoyed!

Chapter 5: Shitty Clever Title

I jolt awake as I try not to drift off to sleep. I look over at Maple to see him sleeping on one side of the couch with an empty plate. I yawn and look at the clock. It’s four in the fucking morning, and I haven’t slept in over twenty four hours. Fuck. My. Life. I sigh and get up. I’m still wearing my red shirt and grey pants. I walk to the kitchen and look around for some food. Eggs. Great. I cook some eggs for myself and quickly eat them before using the bathroom. After taking a huge shit, I walk back to the living room and turn on the television. I turn the volume down to make sure I didn’t disturb Maple’s sleep.

“We’re getting reports that Manehatten’s hold up yesterday has finally been explained. The issue was caused by a ‘poor choice of actions,’ as Celestia has said. The Checkpoint’s hold up yesterday has caused many representatives to be too late to partake in various political meetings. Many ponies and other creatures were not able to see their families and friends in Equestria yesterday. Many hotel reservations and meetings were lost and wasted,” the newsmare reports. I smirk. Cadence done fucked up big time. I look at Maple and scrap those thoughts. What am I gonna do with Maple? I can’t bring him to work, and the hospital isn’t open yet.

I sigh again and think. Bacon has a sister right? She owns a bar... I get up and walk to my bedroom. I look around before finding the card Bacon gave me. Thankfully, the bar’s card shows how long they’re open. The bar is called Whiskey-Hay. Wow. One letter off from being Whiskey’s name. Why is it one letter off? Were the ponies typing the name? They give everything else a horse pun for a name. Anyway, the bar is open from five to midnight. I smile. Great, it’ll give me just enough time to get to the Checkpoint. In Manehatten, it’s easy to get where you’re going if you know where to go. I look at the address on the card. Wait, I remember this address. It’s where my favorite diner is! I look at the clock. Four thirty. I grimace. I’ll have to leave now to get the kiddo there. If Whiskey isn’t there, I’ll have to have the kid with me for the day.

I look over at Maple and nudge him gently. “Wakey wakey kiddo,” I say.

“Hm?” Maple murmurs. He slowly opens his eyes, his drowsiness still clear on his face. He looks at me and yawns. “Morning, are we going to see Dad yet?” I smile sadly.

“I can’t take you to the hospital during work, so I’ll have to take you to your aunt,” I say. Maple perks up.

“Aunt May?” He asks. I nod. He smiles wide and excitement slowly returns to his eyes. “I can’t wait!”

“Heheh, neither can I,” I say under my breathe. Keep in mind, again, I’m okay with kids, but I’d rather have solitude. I look at my door and remember the fact that it’s still on the floor and broken. I sigh and merely walk out.

I keep Maple beside me as we walk to the diner. I’ll have to get him to the diner and then find Whiskey. I doubt I’ll get thanked for taking Maple to a bar. We arrive at the diner, aptly named ‘Old-Timey’s Diner’. The owner and I had nice conversations. I tell him that I want some coffee and he rants about his day. Timey is a pudgy pale yellow unicorn with a black mane. He also has a bushy beard. During Pony Christmas, he dyed his beard and mane grey and plopped a Santa hat on his head. After he had twenty one-sided conversations with me, I decided to humor him and converse as well. Turns out, I helped his daughter pass the border at one point. At the time, you’d need a passport and a ticket to cross the border. She couldn’t get a ticket in the Minotaur’s country, unsurprisingly. So, after many conversations, he’s decided to give me coffee for free. That is, if I married his daughter. I declined and told him that she needed someone better. When he asked what I meant, I promptly told him many phrases I’m known for. Now, I’m getting coffee for free if I don’t utter a single syllable of those phrases in his diner.

Anyway, Maple and I enter the diner. There’s a line of chairs placed in front of the bar of the diner. Booths line the walls with red and white cushions. The walls are tiled black and white. The floor is concrete, with the diner’s name painted in the center. Six tables spread across the diner in the middle. Maple gasps excitedly and rushes to Timey, who is behind the bar, sweeping. “Hi Mr Timey!” Maple says excitedly. Timey jumps and spins around to find Maple beaming up at him. He smiles.

“Why, Maple! What’re you doing here?” He asks. He looks up and sees me. He looks around before giving me a confused look.

“Well, I wanted to see Dad. While I was getting here, I met Mr Anon! We went to his house since the hospital isn’t open yet. This morning, he said Aunt May’s around the corner, and then she’ll take me to see Dad!” Maple says excitedly. Timey quirks an eyebrow at me.

“Yeah, can you watch him for a little bit? I need to find Bacon’s sister,” I say. Timey sighs and smiles.

“Of course, I’ll watch him while you find May. Rascal’s been here more than a few times,” he chuckles. I nod gratefully. Maple starts to go to a seat.

“Hey Maple,” I say, kneeling to be more eye level with him. He turns to me, with a tilted head. “Don’t wander off, okay?”

“Okay!” He says. I smile and get up. I nod my thanks to Timey and head out. I think the bar might be to the right. I start walking down the street, looking for the bar in question.

In a short amount of time, I find the bar. It’s closed. Shit. I groan and gently banged my head against the door. “I’m too tired for this shit. Please, God, don’t make me walk everywhere.”

“... Anon? Is that you?” A voice asks. I turn to look at Whiskey May, giving me a confused look. I sigh in gratitude.

“Oh thank the Lord, I found you. Whiskey, I-“

“Why haven’t you talked to us!?” Whiskey proceeds to yell. I try to say something, but she cuts me off. “No, you stopped visiting for almost two weeks! What were you doing that was so-“

“Whiskey!” I yell.

“What!?” She yells back.

“I found Maple!” I yell. Whiskey reels back in shock.

“You found who!?” She asks.

“Maple! Your nephew!” I say. Whiskey can tell I’m telling the truth. She looks around me.

“... Where’s Maple?” She asks dangerously.

“He’s at the diner around the corner. I trust Timey enough to watch him,” I explain. Whiskey sighs and nods, processing the information.

“... Where’s Snowy?” She asks suddenly.

“Who?”

“... Maple’s mother. My brother’s wife. Snowy,” she slowly seethes.

“... Come with me,” I say.

We enter the diner to see Maple sitting in a booth eating a few pancakes. Timey looks over from the bar to see us and smirks. “It’s on the house,” he says. I nod in thanks while Whiskey rushes to Maple. He finally notices us and seems to shrink a little. Whiskey quickly sits beside him while I sit on the other side.

“Maple! Where’s your mother?” Whiskey asks. The kid smiles nervously.

“Um, she’s in... another... country...” The look on Whiskey’s face is honestly priceless. She looks horrified. I would too, but I’m past the realm of shocked at this point.

“... What do you mean?” She asks.

“I-I wanted to see Dad, b-but Mom kept saying bad things!” He says. Oh crap, the tears are back. “S-she said that h-he’s not coming b-back, a-and-“ Maple bursts into tears and hugs Whiskey. Whiskey sighs and hugs back.

“Shh, shh, he’s fine Maple, he’s just going through physical therapy right now. We’ll be able to visit him,” she soothes. After a little bit, Maple settles down, but keeps his embrace with Whiskey. Whiskey looks over at me with a concerned look. She doesn’t need to ask as I proceed to tell her how we got here.

After the tale, Maple is back to eating his disks of deliciousness, though he’s doing with a mopey tone. Whiskey nods, breathing in deeply. She exhales before speaking.

“Thank you Anon, I cannot tell you how glad I am that you happened to find him. The bar can be closed for today,” she says. Maple looks up from his food.

“I’m sorry that I ran away, but Mom wasn’t going to even try to visit Dad!” He says. He looks at his remaining pancakes sadly. “I just wanted to see Dad.” Whiskey sighs.

“I don’t blame you. I would have thought that your mother would get the letters we’ve sent,” Whiskey stops to turn Maple to look at her. “But, don’t do something like this again, okay?” She asks. Maple nods guiltily. “You’re not in much trouble, but I’ll bet that your father will ground you.” Maple nods sadly. Maple looks over to me.

“Will you visit my dad too?” He asks. I smirk.

“Well kiddo, I just might visit your dad after work today. It’s about time I did anyway,” I say. Whiskey’s smile falters. I start to get up, but Whiskey grabs my hand.

“Wait!” She says loudly. I look over at her with a quirked eyebrow, as did Maple.

“Need something?” I ask her. She blinks before looking around. I can see the faint reflection on the window of the diner. I can barely see Timey holds up two coffee cups from behind the counter. Whiskey’s eyes shift to Timey and back to me.

“Um, I, uh, accidentally ordered two coffees earlier,” she bullshits. Why is it that no one can lie worth a shit in this world? “So, can you help me with the second cup?” She asks with a nervous smile. I squint at her with suspicion. I glance at a clock on the wall. It’s about five o’clock. I quickly think of how long I can be able to chat. I can spare fifteen minutes.

“... Alright,” I say. Whiskey sighs quietly. As we wait, Timey brings out the coffee. I stir the cream that was poured in while Whiskey quirks an eyebrow.

“Really? Cream? You need to toughen up,” she comments smugly, taking a swig of her black coffee. I smirk.

“I need to toughen up?” I ask. She smirks right back. “Bi-“ I cough to stop myself. “Buddy, I yelled at the king of Minotaurs. He walked away with his tail between his legs,” I say. Whiskey giggles.

“Oh really? You ever fought anyone at your job?” She asks seriously. Maple looks at us like we’re weird.

“Oh heck yeah I did. When someone poses a threat, I have to take care of them myself. The guards can’t do everything you know,” I say. Whiskey looks unconvinced.

“Uh huh, did you know I’ve settled hundreds of bar fights with my bare claws?” She asks. I slowly clap.

“Oh yes, much more impressive than my soft and harmless fingers. It’s not like I’ve wrestled a griffon before,” I say. Maple perks up at this.

“Wrestling a griffon? Oh, how’d that turn out?” Whiskey asks. I shrug.

“Oh, you know, had him in a headlock before the guards came in and took him away.” I’m choosing to leave out the fact that I came out with many scratches, and almost bled to death. As we converse with examples of best moments, Maple finishes up his pancakes while he listens in.

“I threw two Minotaurs out the window.” I smirk.

“I threw a princess out a window,” I say proudly. Technically true, Twilight is a princess.

“Why?” Whiskey asks, trying to hide a smirk forming on her beak.

“She was a.... an annoying pony,” I say, catching myself from cursing.

“...Once, I arm wrestled a bear,” Whiskey says, deciding to change subject.

“Eh, same here,” I casually reply. Please don’t ask if I won.

“Did you win?” Dammit.

“... No... did you?” I ask. Whiskey coughs into her claw nervously.

“... Maybe not...”

We finish up our coffee and go our separate ways for now. I admit, she’s pretty okay. I’ll have to ask about the weird behavior later.

I arrive at the Checkpoint, waving to some of the passing guards. The coffee is barely keeping me awake. I stop when the familiar rookie trots up. “Glory to Equestria, Sir!” He shouts. I cover my ears again.

“Goddammit dude, turn your voice down. Also, stop saying glory to Equestria, you make it sounds like a crappy evil nation,” I say. The guard’s mouth opens, but closes immediately.

“... Alright sir.”

“... What’s your name?” I ask. He salutes.

“Corporal Sergui, Sir.”

“... Segway, got it,” I say. He blinks before speaking.

“No, it’s Sergui.”

“I know. Segway.”

“That... that doesn’t even sound the same!” He complains.

“What?”

“The names! I’m saying Sergui, and you’re saying Segway!” He says.

“... I don’t hear a difference,” I reply. He groans and sighs.

“Forget it.”

“... Alright,” I say as I walk away. Man, what a weird ass name. Who name’s a kid Segway? Then again, my parents named me Anonymous. Thank God no one’s pointed that out yet.

I walk into my office, which is exactly how I left it. Except there’s a letter on the desk. I take the letter and open it

Dear Anon,

I would like to apologize for the behavior of my niece, Cadence, as she was not supposed to go too far, let alone react at all. I wish I could give you a day off after the events that transpired recently. My sister has informed me of your selfless deed however, which pleases me to know that such a caring creature is regulating the Border.

Best wishes,
Princess Celestia

I grimace. Great. ‘Caring creature’. I guess I’ll have to reclaim my ‘Jackassery’ title. I smirk. I’m so tired that I don’t really care what flies out of my mouth. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”

The first creature to enter today is a familiar elder mare. “Anon? Is that you?” Mayor Mare asks. God. Fucking. Dammit. On the inside, I’m fucking furious at the sight of Mayor Mare. She stabbed me in the ass.

“Yep. I’m tired as all hell. Papers please,” I say. Mayor Mare hands me her papers anxiously. I start checking them, trying to find a reason to deny or, more preferably, detain her

“I-I see that we’re on good terms-“

“Good terms?” I ask sarcastically. I lock eyes with her, sending a death glare as best as I could in a tired state. Mayor leans back when I look at her. “You looked at me and yelled at me to go away. I ask for a house, you throw a book at me. I asked for a loan, you said that I’m ‘extorting you for money’. I once asked how I could be registered as a citizen, and you didn’t bother to tell me. You remember what you did that made me pissed off the most?” I ask rhetorically. “When a petition to run me out of town was signed, you did just that. You gathered the ponies, yelled out random bullshit from your ass, and literally tried to kill me with the fork.”

“Look, the pitchfork was an accident-“

“I don’t give a shit,” I interrupt. Mayor Mare sighs sadly, looking at her hooves in shame.

“... Alright, I’m sorry... I-I didn’t really think you were that bad t-to be honest...”

“Oh, really?” I ask sarcastically. “The pitchfork that was shoved up my ass suggested otherwise.” Tears fell to the floor. Mayor Mare’s sobs were anything but silent.

“I’m sorry... I’m so, so sorry... ” She sobs. As I stare at her, I slowly feel a small pang of guilt. I kinda figured she’d have Twilight’s attitude. I sigh. “I-I didn’t mean to hurt you! E-everyone was going to throw me out of office if I didn’t do something! I-“

“Mayor,” I say. She continues crying a little, but stops speaking. “... I’m willing to forgive you,” I say. She looks up at me, surprised, tears still spilling from her eyes. “Honestly, I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why it was legal to kick me out of town. Then, Applejack told me. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t start the petition,” I say. Okay, now I’m starting to feel like shit. I didn’t want her to cry like this. I rub my face, my exhaustion showing clear as day. The mayor looks at her hooves again in shame.

“But, I-“

“Look, I’m tired. I’m sure you’re tired. Before now, I didn’t know you felt guilty about the... incident,” I say. Mayor Mare looks like she wants to protest, but remains silent. “In fact,” I get up and lean through the window. Mayor Mare looks up at me in confusion. I reach down and hug her. It’s a brief hug, lasting for a few seconds, before I go back to sitting in my chair. Mayor Mare looks confused, but at least she’s calmed down a lot. “I rarely hug people. You’re one of the few I’ve hugged. Now, go home, have a nice cup of coffe,” I reach in my pockets and pull out a bag of bits. I count them before handing some to her. “And dye your hair pink again.” Mayor Mare’s blush makes her look like a tomato.

“Y-you know about the dye?” She asks. I nod.

“Applejack talks to me. She’s told me about her little sister’s exploits in the news biz,” I explain. Mayor Mare giggles.

“Yes, I remember that. Such an embarrassing time,” she says. All the emotional pain she felt moments before seem to almost vanish as she reminisces over her time in Ponyville. Fucking ponies man. In my time in Equestria, I’ve figured out that they’re very erratic when it comes to emotions compared to the other species. The other creatures of the planet are rather much less faint of heart than the ponies. Mayor’s face suddenly grows confused as something hits her. “Wait, I have a question,” she starts. She looks up at me. “How long have you been running the Border?” She asks. I smirk.

“About a month and a half.”

“Wow, how did you get picked for this job?” Mayor asks. I sigh and think back.

“Princess Celestia noticed a certain human in a bakery one day, picking out spelling errors and incorrect pricing of the cakes. She walked over to me, asked me what I was doing, and I told her to fuck off while I made sure the guy knew he was an idiot.”

“You told her to what!?”

“Yep. She was peeved for a little bit, but realized that, as I was pointing out errors, I was correct about the errors. Turns out, the dude was overcharging her for years.”

“No!” Mayor Mare exclaims in shock.

“Oh yes. He charged her fifty bits while regular customers were paying thirty.”

“So, what happened next?”

“Well, I was walking out, when Celestia stops me. I called her an asshole for some reason and we started to argue about the competence of ponies. Then, she made a bet. I took it. If I win, whoopdy fucking doo. If she wins, I get thrown in the dungeon for cursing so much at a princess.”

“W-well that doesn’t sound like her-“

“Yeah, she was having a rough day. Anyway, so I showed up on...” I look up in thought. “... twenty third of November. I was halfway done through the day when she pops in, and tries to forfeit the bet. But, she looked around and noticed I haven’t gotten any citations. She asked why, and I told her, ‘I’m not some dipshit that gives free stamps.’ So, Celestia says, ‘Very well, I’ll leave the border to you. If I see a single citation, you’ll be fined for your error.’ And I said, ‘Okay asshat’.” I scratch my head as I reminisce the memories of my earlier days. If feels like it’s been forever since I first stepped here. “So, I get done through the day, and she finds me. She looks around the office. No citations. I had done it perfectly. So, she looks at me, square in the eyes, and asks, ‘How would you like a job here?’ So, my first response was, ‘How would you like to fuck off?’ But, then, she made the job so enticing, I couldn’t resist.”

“What’d she do?” Mayor Mare asks, entranced by my shitty story telling. I lean over.

“She said I could cuss all I want to at some of the biggest people in the world,” I say. Mayor Mare simply stares at me.

“That’s it?” She asks. “No raises? No awards?”

“Nope,” I confirm. “I simply get to cuss at anyone I want to. Provided I pay for it of course.” Mayor sits back on her haunches, processing this information. I chuckle, handing her green-stamped passport. “Welcome back to Equestria Mayor Mare,” I say. She blinks out of her trance and gratefully takes her passport.

“Thank you. And again, I’m so sorry for what happened.” I shrug.

“You’re not the one that needs to apologize.” Mayor Mare nods and trots out the door. I sigh. Dammit. I’m too tired for this shit. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”

The next creature to enter is... the yak from last time. Awesome.

“Hello human! Yak meet again!” He says excitedly. I smile weakly. Coffee’s wearing off. The yak pauses as he notices my drowsiness. “Um, yak not sure if human okay.”

“Oh, you bet your ass I’m feeling great!” I say. The yak heartily laughs.

“Good! Yak is pleased to hear!”

“Can I get the fucking papers now!?” I yell with enthusiasm. Yak keeps his smile as he gives his papers to me.

“There is funny creature’s personality!” I quickly look over his papers. They’re good. “Sun pony is not as amusing as human! Human much more interesting than ponies!”

“Hell yeah I am!” I yell. The yak smiles as he talks.

“Yaks were offered boring ponies for tour! Bah, yaks don’t like quiet tours! Quiet tours are long! Manehatten is not quiet city! Manehatten is loud city! Like yaks!” I chuckle.

“Yep. It’s so fucking loud, the noises become our lullabies!” I yell. The door on the right opens for Segway to pop his head in.

“Is everything alright-“

“Leave yak and human! Yak is having nice conversation!” The yak yells. Segway yelps and quickly heads out, closing the door.

“So fucking rude, am I right!?” I yell. The yak nods vigorously.

“Pony was very rude!” He confirms. I hand him his green stamped passport. He thanks me and heads out.

I lean towards the mic, “Next!”

The following hours become harder and harder. My exhaustion is catching up to me. Finally I’m jolted awake by the dude in front of me. “Wake up! I got stuff to do other than waste my time here!” He yells. I look at him.

“Look me in the eyes and I dare you to ask if I honestly give a flying fuck,” I say. Sure, he’s in the right, but I’m tired. I don’t care who’s right and who’s- Wait. His passport says he’s female. “... Are you a chick or a dude?” I ask. He/she pales.

“Um, well, I-“

“Face the scanner.” The shutters flips down and I hear two clicks. I pick up the photos and looks at them. “... Do you not know how genders work?” I ask him. He looks at the passport. Then, he looks at me.

“H-Hey, uh, you know, I have a good bit of cash on me-“

“I don’t give a shit how rich you are. You couldn’t put down your correct fucking gender. That alone is enough to make me think about detaining you to force you to learn how genders fucking work,” I say. He gulps audibly.

“Look, it was a typo okay? I didn’t see the mistake until now-“

“So, you’re willing to just take a passport with your name on it and never check to see if it’s correct?” I ask. He sighs.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? Can you just deny me please?” He asks. I stare at him for a minute before sighing. I give him the red stamp as I glare at him tiredly.

“Don’t step foot in my line ever again if you’re not checking your passport first,” I say. He grumbles as he leaves. Before I could lean towards the mic, the whistle for six sounds. I sigh in relief and get up. Before I could leave though, the right door opens. Stepping in, is my boss.

See, every Checkpoint has a manager of sorts. They pay the workers, they make sure everyone is working hard, and they keep the Checkpoint running at all costs. My boss is a bitch. My boss, Lucky Runner, is a pint sized unicorn mare, red with a faded red mane. She walks in, carrying a stool with her magic. She plops the stool in front of the window and hops on. She stares me down, or up rather. “So, Mr Anonymous...”

“Yes, Ms Shortstack?” I ask. She magically grips a rolled up newspaper from somewhere and smacks me up the head.

“What have I said about nicknames?” She asks impatiently.

“That you’re too fucking sensitive about your height Ms Midget,” another smack upside the head rewards my efforts.

“It’s utterly amazing that I’ve allowed you to work here,” she comments.

“Yeah. I would’ve figured you’d have fired me by now,” I reply. She sighs and face hooves. I can still see a small smirk work its way up.

“That’s why I keep you here Anon. In your own words, you just don’t give a fuck,” she says. I roll my eyes and she returns to seriousness. “Look, I know you’re tired. I want to apologize for making you come here-“

“What are you talking about? I came here on my own free will,” I say. He equirks an eyebrow.

“Didn’t you get my letter?” She asks.

“Didn’t you realize I have to get here before six in the morning?” I ask. She groans.

“I honestly thought you’d just try to sleep in,” she says. I scoff.

“Nah, I know you Ms Midget,” I say. Another smack upside the head.

“Because you’re technically supposed to work tomorrow, I’m docking your pay,” she mentions. I quirk an eyebrow.

“How does that work?” I ask. She smirks.

“You’re taking a day off tomorrow. Now, go off to wherever you go. I’m going to find someone to finally take care of the crappy air here,” she says. I smirk.

“You know, I was at the Canterlot Checkpoint yesterday,” I start saying. Lucky quirks an eyebrow.

“So?” She asks.

“They had a complimentary chocolate dispenser.”

“... That’s horseshit!” She yells. “Where in Tartarus is my fancy crap!?”

“The floor had carpet, and the air smelled like roses.” Lucky’s fuming.

“Alright then, if they’re gonna have their fancy gadgets, I’ll have to up my game,” she continues. I pat her head, making her give me a confused look.

“Don’t get too angry, I’d have to send you to a time out corner,” I say with a shit eating grin. The fun sized mare gives me a bemused look before gripping the rulebook I keep on the side of the desk with her magic. The book flies at me, smacking me so hard I almost fall over.

“Another comment, and I’ll serve your ass on a platter,” she warns. I keep my grin as I recompose myself and walk out of the Checkpoint. Dammit, I’m still fucking tired.

Author's Note

okay... so... I’m fricken tired... I had too much time and I can’t sleep. So what do I do? I write out this chapter. I want to keep this train of story rolling. Next chapter might be Sunday. Or Friday. Who knows. Hope ya’ll enjoyed!

Fun fact: When I first saw Sergui’s Name in Papers Please, I pronounced it as Segway. It’s supposed to be pronounced Sir-gwy

Chapter 6: Helpin’ And Shit I Guess

I trudge my way through the hospital, a cup of coffee in hand. It’s almost eight at night. I better feel fan-fucking-tasted after this shit. I pass by many leaving patients, nurses, and doctors. One nurse actually stopped me to say thanks for letting her husband pass. I keep walking until I find Canadian Bacon’s room. Entering it, I find Bacon looking better than last time. His wings look better, and his face looks like it wasn’t fucked up to begin with. His eye’s back to normal, and he looks like he’s able to walk. Whiskey and Maple don’t seem to be here. I guess it’s a little late after all. “Yo, Bacon, I’m back!” I greet. As I sit down, he smiles warmly.

“Howdy Anon! How’re you doing?” He asks. I smirk

“I should be asking you that, considering I haven’t visited for a few weeks.”

“Don’t worry, I understand. I figured your job would take you too long to show up sometimes. You should have seen my sister during the past couple of weeks. Ever since you last visited, she’s complained that you don’t show up,” he laughs. As I laugh with him, he sighs in contentment. “I saw Maple today, and I was so happy, I almost cried.” I can see tears barely start welling up in his eyes. He wipes them away quickly. “I asked him how school was, and he said he was actually passing with high Bs. I’m so proud,” he mentions. I nod. “I’m grounding him for a couple weeks though. The stunt he pulled was a little much. I’m just so thankful you happened to be there when you found him.” I scoff.

“Equestria is the land of coincidences. It can be good or bad. If I were to say I needed a couple bits, I’d find a couple bits somehow,” I look up in reminiscence. “Hell, once I was complaining that I couldn’t get lunch, and my buddy Spearhead just so happened to lean in and say, ‘Hey, I can’t eat this sandwich, it has ham in it. You want it?’” Canadian Bacon’s eye’s go wide.

“Really?” He asks. I nod.

“But be careful, it works both ways. You can wish that your money won’t vanish, and it will. That actually happened to me at one point,” I say. Bacon quirks an eyebrow,

“How?”

“Well, a certain pony was trying out a new spell she found. She never gave me back the fifty bits. She said that there was no way it belongs to me, the book said it would teleport unowned money,” I scoff. “I say the book’s racist since it doesn’t consider me as a person that owns stuff.” Bacon laughs. As we talk, I hear a grumbling Whiskey outside.

“He didn’t bucking show up. Why the buck didn’t he show up? I ask him for one bucking thing and he-“

“Hey Whiskey!” I call out. The grumbling stops and Whiskey’s head pops through the door, her eyes wide. “Sorry I took so long. I had to stop and get coffee.” She rushes in.

“You’re here!” She says, genuinely surprised before coughing into a claw. “I mean, that’s nice,” she tries to play it off cool. Bacon and I give her a deadpan stare as she sits beside me.

“You need to figure out how to lie better,” Bacon says. I snicker. “In any case, is Maple okay?” He asks seriously. Whiskey snaps out of her embarrassment and nods.

“The little guy’s fine, he’s just super tired. By the way,” she turns to me with a smirk. “You gave him an egg and cheese sandwich?” She asks. I shrug. “Well, he liked it. I cooked one up, and he said yours was better.” She chuckles. I smirk.

“Don’t be too jealous, that’s one of the only things I can cook,” I say. She giggles before we all continue our conversation.

We talk for a couple of hours, talking about our jobs. Bacon works at a syrup factory. I’m not fucking joking. When he said that, I was crying as I tried not to laugh. Apparently, throughout today Whiskey had a couple creatures come up and complain earlier today about the bar being closed. Though, the moment they tried, she pointed out that her nephew is with her. As we were talking, I kind of space out. Suddenly, Bacon asks something. “Hey Anon? What was one of the most memorable experiences you’ve had at the Checkpoint?” When he asked the question, I snap out of my little trance and look up in thought. Well, being tired, I can’t really think of one at the top of my head... except...

“... I guess I could say the day a bomb was dropped off at my desk.”

“What!?” Whiskey and Bacon exclaim in unison. I smirk as the memories flow in.

“I remember it like it was yesterday...”

December 7, 20XX

I felt crappy today. Today was just not a good day. Getting to work was hard. I was stopped by my boss, who reminded me that her colt friend was all cool and shit because he got her free VIPs to a Wonderbolts show. The problem is, I don’t give a fuck. Upon hearing this, Lucky docks my pay by twenty bits. As crappy as that sounds, that’s not the bad part. The bad part is when she reminded me that a suicide bomber slipped through yesterday because of my mistake. Even now, I’m tired as hell and I hope today fucking ends quickly. I hope Lucky has to rely on me one day. That way, I can tell her to fuck off and leave me alone, or I could piss her off so much, she tries to kill me. Preferably the latter. I wave to Spearhead as I step into my office. He and I have been talking recently, even playing a game of poker. Nice guy, though he’s still a little dense like the other guards. Sitting in my chair, I finally notice a note on my desk, next to some business cards I’m supposed to be handing out. Picking it up, I read it.

Dear Anonymous,

I would like to give you words of encouragement after the recent attacks on the Checkpoint. Yesterday was an honest mistake on your part, and I cannot hold any grudge against you. I know that you have been having trouble sleeping lately, as Luna has informed me. Thus, do not fret. I’m honestly surprised there haven’t been more attacks than this. In many other beginning checkpoints, attacks were normally more frequent due to inexperienced inspectors. Canterlot had ten in less than two months. Most of them were in the first month.

With regards,
Celestia

I scoff at the note before wadding it up and throwing it away. I call in the first entrant. “Next!” I cough as I realize I might have said that louder than usual, if the feedback from the megaphones are any indication.

The first creature to walk in is a grey minotaur. I smile widely as I remember this minotaur. This guy, is Iron Will. I heard he made a dent on Princess Bitch Face’s vacation once, making money off of her fame. He looks a little offput as he walks up. “Um, you look-“

“You’re the one that indirectly messed with Twilight, right?” I ask. He sighs.

“Yes.”

“Awesome! Can you sign this?” I ask, handing him a blank card. Giving me a perfect ‘What the fuck?’ face, he sighs the card and hands it back to me. “You don’t know how much I dislike her, so it’s pretty much an honor to meet you!” I say as he hands me his passport. He keeps giving me a confused look as I give his papers the green stamp. He’s apparently as smart as a lawyer, so I doubt I need to check his papers. I hand him his papers. He still doesn’t know how to react as he steps out. “Man, what a nice guy,” I say to myself. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”

The next creature is a dragon, who scowls at me as he walks up. “Papers ple-“

“Death To Equestria!” He yells. He quickly slams a bomb onto the counter and jets out of the Checkpoint. I look at the bomb with next to no amusement.

“... Well shit,” I plainly say. “I didn’t even know dragons could make bombs.” They’re normally dumb as shit, only marginally smarter than Minotaurs. I look up as Spearhead enters the room.

“Hey, what’s with all the-“ he freezes upon seeing the bomb. “Oh shit!” He curses.

“Wait, you guys can curse? I always thought you guys didn’t have-“

“There’s a Celestia damn bomb!” He yells. I roll my eyes.

“Yep.” The bomb starts beeping. “That doesn’t sound good.” I look at it closely before seeing a tile I can remove from it. I remove the tile carefully as Spearhead rants.

“W-we’re going to die! Oh Celestia! We’re going to-“ as he rants, I find that the bomb is a shit bomb. There are four wires. There are numbers on them. In order.

“We’re not going to die, hand me something sharp,” I order. As Spearhead rants, he hands me his sword. I start cutting the wires in order, carefully. I’ve heard some guards talk about this at one point. They had said that somethings were stolen at some point last week that they didn’t know about until recently. It was apparently ingredients needed to make a bomb. The bomb wouldn’t be that complicated, the most you’d have to do is number the wires you cut. It can be in any random order. The trick is figuring out which order. It could go from one to four, or four to one. With the help of luck, tiredness, honest-to-god indifference, and a little magic, I cut the first wire. It doesn’t explode. I cut the rest of the wires.

“-Oh Celestia, what’re are we gonna do!? I’m gonna-“

“Shut the fuck up. We’re living to see another day,” I bark. The bomb is now deactivated, since I cut all the wires in order. As Spearhead looks at the bomb in astonishment, I give an angry rant. “The point of a fucking bomb is that no one survives. So, why the fuck do you put down the order of wires to cut to disable it!?” I yell. Spearhead looks at the wires, and looks back to me.

“Did you just-“

“Yes, now let’s continue the day please,” I say, irritated by the inconvenience. Spearhead sputters.

“Continue the day!? But there was-“

“A minor, stupid inconvenience that was easily dealt with. Keep in mind, you could’ve left this space at any moment. No one ever locks the doors,” I say. Spearhead opens his mouth to say something, but stops and sighs.

“Well, yeah. I-I guess you’re right...”

Present

“So, a dragon just, drops a bomb on you for no reason!?” Whiskey exclaims. I shrug. “Why do you still work there!?” She asks. Bacon sighs, covering his ears.

“Please, quiet down a little?” He asks politely. Whiskey just shakes her head, trying to think of some bizarre reason I’d stay at the Checkpoint. Bacon perks up and looks at the clock. “Actually, you guys might want to get going. It’s almost eleven at night!” I look at the clock to see that it’s, indeed, almost eleven. I stand up, stretching.

“Yep. Looks like I have to go now. I hope you guys have a nice night,” I say. Whiskey nods.

“Yeah, I’ll have to leave too. I want to make sure Maple’s in bed.” With that, we leave the room while Bacon waves at us. As we walk, Whiskey looks nervous.

“... What’s on your mind?” I ask. She sighs.

“... I kind of need you to walk me home,” she mutters with a blush. I roll my eyes.

“Look, you’re a nice griffon and all, but-“ I feel a slap across the face, and I look to see a fuming Whiskey.

“Not like that you idiot!” She almost yells, blushing madly. A nurse shushes us as she walks past. Whiskey face palms. “No, I mean, the streets aren’t exactly friendly for griffons at this time of night,” she mutters. I feel my cheek with my hand to see if there’s any blood. Looking at my hand, there are no traces of blood. It just fucking hurts like a bitch, but I take it because I’m too tired to give a fuck.

“Alright, I will. Sorry about the comment,” I apologize. I do actually feel bad, but that’s because of the slap more than anything else. Whiskey sighs, seeming relieved.

“Thanks. I owe you a drink if you ever get to my bar,” she says.

“You might owe me more in a couple days,” I say under my breathe, remembering Luna and I’s drinking day.

“What was that?” Whiskey asks. I smirk as I start walking.

“You’ll see,” I say cryptically. Whiskey shakes her head, following my path.

We walk the dark streets of Manehatten, street lamps illuminating parts of the streets. Whoever placed these lamps is a fucking idiot, because there are many dark areas that people/ponies could hide in it and we’d never know. Whiskey sticks close to my side, eyeing the shadows carefully. We walk in relative silence, the sounds of our footsteps being the only source of noise around us. Whiskey’s feathers are a little ruffled, signaling how nervous she actually is. I admit, it’s a little adorable. Deciding to try and ease her nerves, I start a conversation. “Welp, tonight looks pretty good,” I say. Whiskey looks up at me in confusion.

“What?” She asks. I shrug.

“Just saying the night looks pretty good. There are stars and shit I guess,” I say. Whiskey snickers.

“That’s one way of describing the sky,” she comments. I nod.

“Yeah, on my world, the sky was beautiful as this, though no one made it that way. It just happened on its own,” I say. Whiskey does a double take.

“Wait, ‘on your world?’ What do you mean on your world?” She asks. I smirk.

“Well, I wasn’t exactly from Equestria. I used to be on a planet called Earth. As sci-If as it sounds, it’s true. We had many more technological advances than this planet did. We made cars, planes, robots, and much more,” I say. Whiskey looks up at me in curiosity.

“What are cars and planes?”

“Cars are automated metal trains that move with the push of a button, and they go anywhere you want. Planes are like huge hollow metal birds with rockets that help it fly.”

“Planes don’t sound complicated.”

“That wasn’t, but aerodynamics was. That was still an issue, though we’ve mostly figured it out.”

“... What was your species like?”

“Well, we’re mostly like this world’s creatures, though we’re mostly chaotic and diverse when it comes to personalities. Some of us were optimistic, and some of us were pessimistic. We didn’t have assigned jobs, we had to find what we’re best at, but that could be anything. We could technically literally do anything we put our minds to. Though, we are also pretty stupid.”

“How could your species be stupid?” Whiskey asks. I roll my eyes.

“The younger generations started to eat and drink bleach at one point for a challenge.”

“... Huh.... What kind of job did you have on your world?” Whiskey asks curiously. I shrug.

“I was a cashier at a retail store. I had a more immature attitude at that point than I do now. Everyone put up with it because they thought it was comical.”

“Really?” Whiskey asks in a disbelieving tone.

“Yep. One day, I was teleported to this absolute clusterfuck of a world.”

“Is that how you really want to describe this world?” Whiskey asks with a smirk.

“Where I was from, humans were the only sapient creatures. Almost every creature here is a myth where I’m from. We also couldn’t control the weather, natural disasters, the sun or moon, and the most we could do is prepare for the worst.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, it was pretty jarring when I saw a unicorn. You know, when I was summoned, I cussed out every single creature that had a part in it,” I say. Whiskey stops.

“Wait, why were you teleported in the first place?”

“Well, someone was doing a random spell. It basically picked a random being from the multiverse or some shit.” As we walk, a unicorn suddenly jumps out in front of us, covered head to toe in some sort of black clothing. I can’t see a tuff of fur anywhere. Whiskey yelps from the sudden bandit, who’s floating something up at us.

“Hold up! Give me your money-“

“Is that a fucking chip bag?” I ask, cutting him off. Whiskey turns to glare at me.

“What’re you doing!?” She whisper-shouts. I shrug as I take a good look at the floating object. The bandit is holding a rolled up chip bag. It looks like it might contain a knife, but I’ll just try my luck. Equestrians really aren’t that violent of creatures after all.

“What? N-no! I-“

“Dude, why the fuck would you cover a knife with a chip bag?” I ask. He stammers.

”Sh-shut up! This is a mother bucking knife! And I-“

“Don’t know how to do shit with it apparently,” I comment. He growls.

“Can you shut the buck up!?”

“Yeah Anon, he has us at knife point!” Whiskey yells. I give her a bemused look.

“You have eight knives at your disposal at all times. Why are you threatened?” I ask. She freezes and looks at her claws. She looks at the bandit slowly, extremely pissed. The bandit backs up.

“U-um, uh, I-“

“I’d advise you to run,” I wisely say.

After chasing the unicorn, we catch him and pin him down. Whiskey pinned him onto his stomach, laying on top of him. “Don’t hurt me! Please! I won’t be a bad pony anymore!” He yells in fear. I walk around and lean down to his face.

“Alright buddy, we’re gonna make this clear. Don’t fuck with us, or we’ll rip your nuts off,” I say. He nods shakily. Whiskey steps off of him and he scampers off. We watch as he runs off into the distance. “... Welp, it’s a good thing you were heavy enough to pin him,” I comment. A well-earned slap is Whiskey’s reply.

We finally arrive at her apartment building. I smile as she sighs in relief at the sight of the building. She turns to me, smiling. “Thanks for walking with me Anon,” she says. I shrug.

“No biggie. Tell Maple I said hi,” I request, turning to leave.

“Alright, thanks again, bye!” Whiskey says before leaving to enter the building. I turn around and start heading home.

I walk home, alone, and in the dark. As I walk, I hear a sound I did not want to hear. “Consarn bags!” A familiar southern voice yells.

“Darling, the bags should not be that much trouble,” another voice says in British.

“Oh hell,” I say out loud, knowing the two unseen ponies behind me.

“Anon? Is that you?” I slowly turn around to see Rarity and Applejack trotting up. Applejack has a shitload of bags on her back. Rarity, as usual, doesn’t carry shit.

“Hey AJ,” I greet. Rarity, the white bitch, waits patiently for her greeting with a smile. “... Hi Rarely Pretty.” Rarity’s face switches to bemusement quickly.

“Now Anon, I know some of my friends didn’t treat ya right-“

“You guys ran me out of town with pitch forks and torches. Forgive me if I’m a little reluctant to talk,” I reply. “Granted, Applejack, you’re cool. It’s the three others that need to apologize.”

“Wait, who?” Applejack asks.

“Rarity, Pinkie, and Twilight.”

“Wait, Darling, why does Pinkie need to apologize?” Rarity asks.

“She blew a canon in my fucking face,” I deadpan.

“There is no need for vulgar-“ I cut Rarity off with my own words of wisdom.

“Fuck you.” Absolute fucking genius. Applejack stands between us, seeing how heated we’re getting.

“Alright now, just take a breather, and let’s try this again,” she says. I roll my eyes. “Now, Anon, I know Rarity and you aren’t on good terms, but I have to ask for a favor.” I quirk an eyebrow. What could they possibly want from me. “We need somewhere to stay.” I simply stare at her.

“Wait, Applejack, darling, what are you doing? This ruffian-“

“Alright,” I say simply. Rarity stops to look at me in shock.

“Thank ya, can ya help me with the bags?” Applejack asks. I laugh.

“Hell no,” I cheerfully reply. I spin on my heels and continue walking to my house. Applejack couldn’t help but laugh at the response, thought she’s secretly planning to kick a couple doors down.

Upon arriving at my house, Rarity looks around the living room. “... It’s rather... plain,” she points out. I shrug in response. A loud crash is heard outside. Looking out, I see Applejack under a pile of bags. I sigh. Reluctantly, I help her out and tote the bags in. Rarity continues to look around my house. She enters my room and sighs. “Could you try to be a little interesting in your decor?” She asks. I groan.

“Not all of us have the time to do that you know,” I say. She rolls her eyes.

“What could keep you from giving your house a little personality?”

“A twelve hour job from six in the morning to six at night,” I say. Applejack scoffs, sitting on my couch.

“That there is a nice laid back job compared to mine. All you do is stamp papers-“

“And handle attacks when they happen,” I interrupt. While Rarity’s face switches to horror, AJ nods.

“Oh, right. Sorry.”

“Attacks!? You get attacked!? By who?” Rarity asks.

“I dunno. Terrorists, idiots, a cultist, etcetera,” I say. She shakes her head.

“What kind of job do you have?” She asks.

“Passport inspector,” I reply. Silence follows as Rarity looks at me with confusion.

“... That’s it?” She asks. I nod. She falls silent as she watches me head to my room.

“Alright, keep in mind, the bathroom’s down the hall, the kitchen has some muffins and apples, and the couch is foldable. Goodnight assholes,” I call.

I dress for sleep, meaning I got some boxers and a white shirt on. I lie down on my bed, ready for some peaceful sleeping. “Consarn it Rarity! Give me my pillow!” I frown deeply.

“Darling, give me the blanket!” I slowly sit up.

“I swear to God, if you two don’t work something out in the next five minutes, I’ll come down and kick both of your asses until you learn to cope!” I yell.

“Well that’s rude,” I hear Rarity say.

“So is disturbing someone who hasn’t slept for two days,” I call, laying back down. Maybe, I can fucking sleep. I hear a pop. Shit. I try to scramble to get out of the way, but my pay, in the form of a bag of solid gold coins, falls right between my legs. Again. “FUUUUUCK!!!” I scream in absolute fucking pain and agony. Why the fuck does this have to happen to me!? I roll off my bed, slamming into the floor. The pain of gravity doesn’t register, as the pain of my balls takes precedence. The bedroom door is kicked off its hinges, a worried Applejack rushing in with Rarity in tow.

“What happened sugarcube? Do I need to kick some sense into someone?” She asks.

“My scrotums,” I strain. Rarity looks around before rolling her eyes.

“Darling, what could possibly have hurt you in such a way?” She asks.

“Feckin’ gold,” I rasp. Rarity spots the bag of bits on the bed.

“What is that?” She asks. I finally feel the pain start to subside.

“My pay for today,” I say. Rarity tries picking it up with her magic, but starts straining as she lifts it. After trying to float it to her, she let’s go of it and gasps for air.

“Darling! That is much too heavy to be a simple day’s pay!” She exclaims. I glare at her from the floor. In my exhausted, frustrated, and aggravated state, I’m tired of everyone talking shit about my job.

“Simple?” I ask. With the pain almost gone, I get up and stare her down. “Simple?” I ask again.

“Well, all you do is-“ I cut off her bullshit protest.

“I make sure families reunite. I make sure the right diplomats cross the border to make future decisions for the benefit of Equestria. I make sure no one imports drugs that could hurt people. I might be killed during this process, as some people would try to destroy the border. I make sure the bad people stay outside of the country.” I tower over Rarity. She’s looking at me, realization hitting her. “I’m one of the only ones competent enough to do my job right. So no, this is not a simple job. This job is hard, tedious, and it makes you think about your past decisions, making you wonder if you should feel regret or pain about the simple fact that you give a red or green stamp.” Applejack puts a hoof on my back.

“Settle down, you made your point,” she says. I sigh. I back off and sit on my bed, putting my face into my hands.

“... Look, I’m tired. Please, just go to sleep,” I request.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t-“

“I don’t care. Just go to bed.”

“... Thank you for your generosity,” Rarity says, a hint of shame in her voice. I look up once they exit. I’m all alone in my room with my thoughts. Fantastic. I sigh again and lie down. I need some sleep...

Chapter 7: Drinkin To Get Fuckled Up!

Author's Note

Yes, the title of the chapter is correct for those who are wondering. It is supposed to have an “L”. I would also like to point out that this is the only chapter title I actually took time to name in this story.
So, I had fun with this chapter. Hope ya'll enjoyed

Chapter 7: Drinkin To Get Fuckled Up!

It’s Sunday. Yesterday was okay. I paid Canadian Bacon another visit. Whiskey and Maple were there too. It was nice to see Maple talk to his father. I kinda wish my father was like that, and not the asshole he was. Anyway, so today, I’m supposed to give the yaks a tour around Manehatten. First, I was to meet them at the train station. I have to show them the park, get them to a gift shop, get them to a restaurant, and then I can tell them to fuck off politely. After that, Luna will contact me and we’ll go to a bar. I’ll take her to Whiskey’s, Whiskey will probably have the best reaction to that.

The streets of Manehatten are lively, many ponies rushing to get where they’re going and arguing about who bumped into who. One thing I’ve learned about Manehatten, is that the ponies here don’t give a fuck. Like, if Tirek appeared again, the least they’ll do is curse at him for making them late. They don’t care about princesses or monsters and shit like that. They’re basically people from New York City. Hell, when I showed up, they didn’t even bat an eyelash when I pass by. For them, it was just another day at Manehatten. They were much more accepting than Ponyville. Anyway, I sit at a bench in the train station for Manehatten. Manehatten’s train station’s like Canterlot’s station, but with a grey and dark grey color scheme. I tap with my foot, impatience written on my face. The train should have been here an hour ago. What could possibly keep them held up? I finally hear the faint whistle of the train. Moments later, the train slowly stops at the station. The doors open, and four yaks step out. Two of them are brown, and one is grey. One of them is the guy that keeps going to my Checkpoint. I keep forgetting his name. I think it’s like Mayarn or something. Anyway, the yaks spot me and trot over with smiles.

“Human! It is so nice to see you again!” Mayarn exclaims.

“Mayarn, is this truly amusing creature you speak of? It does not look like yak standards!” A yak yells. God please help me.

“Anon!?” A high pitched voice exclaims. I SAID HELP ME NOT CONDEMN ME TO DAMNATION!!! I fearfully look behind the yaks to see Pinkie. She’s wearing a fluffy hat. Keep in mind, I don’t like Pinkie. Not because of her personality. I don’t like her because I’ve asked her not to fire the fucking cannon at my fucking face. She has yet to listen to me. “Hiya Anon! It’s been forever since-“

“Alright guys, so where to first? The park? Great!” I quickly say, using the powers of nope to get the fuck out of here before the pink menace could get her weapon of doom.

“Wait! Equestrian ambassador needs to come with us!” Mayarn says. I stop.

“Ambassador?”

“Anon! Are you our tour guide?” Pinkie asks. God, why have you forsaken me?

I guide everyone, leading a pack of yaks with Pinkie bouncing next to me.

“We’re gonna have so much fun!” Pinkie says. I keep a nervous eye on her. She doesn’t seem to notice.

“Right... fun...” I say. Pinkie looks up at me.

“Are you okay? You look like you’re ready to make a run for the hills!” She says with a giggle. Hells yeah I am. I shrug, trying to show that I’m relaxed. On the inside, I’m scared. I realize she means no harm, but I hate that party cannon she has. Once, it went off and it broke my ribs. That was the day the ponies realized I couldn’t handle as much physical damage as them. I was much easier to kill than they thought. Anyway, Mayarn appears between us.

“Human! Tell yaks about your day!” He says. I sigh. Time for diplomacy.

“Welp, I fucking woke up! Then, I looked to see my mail, and it was fucking junk mail!” I yell. Pinkie flinches every time I curse. The passerby Manehatten ponies don’t even look up as I scream and yell. The yaks all gasp.

“Only junk!? Shame on foolish ponies! Human is better than needing junk!”

“So, I threw that shit away and visited my friend Bacon in the hospital, and he’s feeling fan-fucking-tastic!” All the yaks smile.

“Good! Yak don’t know who Bacon is, but yak can tell he’s a good friend to human!” One yak yells. Pinkie only watches on with curiosity as the yaks and I converse.

“Oh! Yak wants to know what ponies are like in Manehatten!” Another yak yells. I nod.

“The ponies here just don’t give a fuck!” I yell. As I yell, a passerby overhears and smirks. Never even slowing down, he gives a reply as he passes by.

“Damn straight,” He says. All the yaks laugh heartily. Pinkie snickers.

We all arrive at the park. The park is huge, about a mile wide and a mile and a half long. There are various trees scattered around, along with ponds and bushes. There’s a path that goes all around the park, allowing ponies to admire the scenery or go on a nice long job.I choose to make a good impression. “Man! Look at how fucking majestic this place looks!” I yell. The yaks look around, nodding in approval. Pinkie giggles.

“This place is great! We can get some carrotdogs when we’re hungry, and there are lots of ducks!”

“Careful, the ducks fucking bite your ass if they get the chance!” I point out. Pinkie giggles. The yaks disperse a little, walking on the path the park has. I start to follow, but Pinkie stops me.

“Hey Anon?” I freeze, a flash of fear going through my mind.

“Yeah?”

“... Applejack told me about what you said...”

“... Yeah? And?” I turn to see Pinkie’s mane is deflated.

“I’m sorry,” she says. I stare at her for a moment. I sigh. “I didn’t mean to scare you before, let alone hurt you.”

“... Thank you,” I say sincerely, walking towards her. Her ears perk up a little. I pat her head, though I did so hesitantly. “I’m not gonna lie, I’m still a little scared of you, but please don’t fire the cannon at me again,” I request. Pinkie smiles weakly, her mane starting to inflate.

“Can I ask a question?” She asks. I nod. “Why are you always sad?” The question catches me off guard.

“... I’m not sad Pinkie. Just frustrated,” I admit.

“But why?” I shrug.

“It could be anything. Maybe I’m frustrated that I was ripped away from Earth. Maybe I’m frustrated with some past issues I haven’t gotten over. Hell, maybe I’m just lonely,” I say. Pinkie hugs me, wrapping her hooves above my waist. I sigh and pat her head.

“Can I be your friend?” She asks. I nod.

“Sure... That means you’ll pay for the donuts I’ll get at your shop right?” I ask. She giggles, letting go.

“Nope,” she replies cheerfully, her mane back to maximum poof. I smirk.

“I figured as much,” I say.

We brought the yaks to a gift shop, and left with them wearing ‘I <3 Manehatten’ flags. The shirts couldn’t fit. We took them to a restaurant, and had a good feast. I was lucky enough that the restaurant finally started serving meat eaters recently. I paid for the food, and decided I should check my bank account later.

I wave them off as they enter the train to Canterlot. Pinkie turns to me and gives a quick hug before boarding the train. The doors shut, and the loud yaks all voice their goodbyes as they leave for Canterlot. I sigh once the train is out of sight. Not even a second later, a pop sounds beside me. “Hi Luna,” I say, not even looking her way.

“Greetings Anon, I-“

“HIM!?!?” Another voice yells. I groan. No she fucking didn’t. I look over to see Twilight Star Spangle.

“Yep. It’s ya boy,” I say half assedly. I’m just too tired to sound mad. “Hey, Luna, why is she here?” I ask.

“No, why are you here?” Twilight asks. I roll my eyes.

“Twilight, the adults are talking.”

“I’m twenty eight!” She says. I smirk.

“Ha! I’m a year older than you,” I say smugly.

“Silence! Both of you!” Luna commands. We both shut up, but Twilight keeps giving me the stink eye. “We hath taken it upon ourself to take Twilight and thou out to drink as allies. Maybe, we’d be able to get an agreement from both of you to forgive each other.” I shrug. Twilight has a look of slight panic.

“Wait, drinking? As in a bar? I can’t drink! I’m a princess-“

“That needs to, as Anon says, ‘Stop having a stick up thou’s ass,’” Luna says. I give Luna a lazy thumbs up as Twilight gapes. Twilight turns to me, fuming.

“You need to stop teaching bad habits!” She says. I shrug.

“Yeah, I kinda do need to stop,” I admit. I honestly didn’t expect Luna to pick up my phrases. I asked her about it once, and she said my phrases were just catchy.

“Silence! It is time to make haste! Take us to the best bar thou knows!” Luna demands. I shrug and start walking. Welp, I hope Whiskey’s okay with unexpected company.

Whiskey sighs, cleaning up a glass. She left Maple with his dad at the hospital. She only wishes there were more interesting creatures than the ones in her bar. Today though, those that come by are here to start gossiping about this and that. Honestly, Whiskey couldn’t give two shits about the rumors. They paid and they drank. She is a little sad Anon couldn’t have much free time today, especially since he’s being visited by a princess apparently. It was the talk of the bar, about the lunar princess hanging out with the hairless ape known as a human. Many of them rumored that the human was a consort, which rustled Whiskey’s feathers. Suddenly, someone calls to Whiskey.

“Hey Whiskey! You ever meet the so called human?” A pony asks. Whiskey snaps out of her thoughts.

“What?”

“The human? Ever seen him?” Whiskey clears her throat.

“Oh, yeah, he’s a friend.” The answer got a rouse from the creatures sitting near her, creating a crowd.

“Really?! What’s he like?!”

“I heard he’s awful!”

“I heard he slapped a king!”

“I hear that he cusses everyone out!” The barrage of questions only start to slowly piss Whiskey off. Finally, they all stare at Whiskey when one creature asks a question.

“What do you think of him?” Whiskey blinks in surprise at the question before coughing into a claw.

“He’s okay. He barely cares about being polite though. He helped my nephew get to his father from another country, so... yeah,” she mutters. Everyone gasps.

“Another country?” A female voice asks.

“Well, more like across the border. He uh, fed him and let him stay at his place-“

“For free!?” A voice asks from the crowd. Whiskey growls, the mass of attention rubbing her the wrong way.

“Look, he helped, alright?! Get the buck off my back, or no more beer for any of you!” She threatens. Everyone backs down immediately, but not before a female bat pony puts in her input.

“Sounds like a keeper to me,” she comments with a snicker. Whiskey groans before slamming her head onto the counter. Then, my obnoxious voice fills the room as the doors slam open.

“Alright Whiskey! Bring out the big guns! I ain’t payin’ for shit!” I yell.

I walk into the room, and I see Whiskey with her head on the counter, in front of a crowd of creatures. They all look at me and have a similar reaction all together. Excitement. I look around the room. There are various tables scattered across the room, all wooden with four chairs each. Behind the counter is a door, which is able to be pushed open. A nice, simple bar. “Oi! It’s that human!” A pony from the crowd yells. Luna walks in behind me. “Oh! Your highness!” All the creatures how in respect. I can see Whiskey's feathers slowly ruffle.

“Indeed, though art correct, he’s the human of Equestria,” she stops to look around the room. “But for tonight, he is mine drinking companion! Barkeep! We require thy's strongest alcohol!” Luna exclaims. All the creatures finally look up to look at her in amazement. Then, everyone cheers as she sits on a chair next to the counter. Anyone who drinks alcohol is okay in an alcoholic's book. Whiskey finally looks up slowly with wide eyes. She looks at me in disbelief. I wave to her.

“Yeah, I kinda invited the princess to come with me. Bitchface is also here.” Twilight finally walks in, looking peeved at the fact that she’s here, or she heard my nickname for her.

“I can’t believe I got dragged into this,” she mutters. I scoff as we walk to sit on chairs next to Luna..

“Me neither. How did Luna convince you?”

“She said that since I wouldn’t leave her alone about y-“ she cuts herself off by coughing. “... a certain issue, then we should spend some time with a friend to try and talk about it. Then, she teleported with my response,” Twilight explains, sitting next to Luna. I sit on the other side.

“Ah, that explains why you’re here.”

“Anon, can I talk to you. In private,” Whiskey demands. I shrug and get up to follow her. She takes me to a room connected to the other side of the counter. There are a few creatures who seem to be chefs, a few stoves, a microwave, stacks of plates, and many assortments of food. Whiskey stops and turns to me. “What in Tartarus are you thinking!?” She yells. All the chefs stop to look at her with confusion. “You brought Princess Luna and Twilight Sparkle to my bar! Anon, this isn’t a fancy restaurant, this is a bar!” she yells. All the chefs panic and start cooking everything faster at the mention of a princess. “Oh Celestia, my bar’s gonna close down! I don’t have any fancy food! I’m gonna accidentally piss her off! I’m-“

“Way too fucking worried,” I stop her.

“Too worried!?” She asks in bewilderment.

“Yes, you are. Luna doesn’t want food or fancy drinks. She just wants the good ol’ liquor,” I explain. Whiskey keeps breathing heavily, seriously panicked. All the chefs sigh and go back to working normally. Whiskey sighs in resignation, dragging a claw down her face.

"... Alright, promise me she won't close my bar," Whiskey orders. I roll my eyes.

"Why do you think she'd close your bar?" I ask.

"She closed many bars around Canterlot. No one knows why," she says. I quirk an eyebrow.

"Alright, I'll ask her about it. In the mean time, don't treat her like a princess," I say, turning to leave. Whiskey yanks my arm to drag me back to her.

"No! She is a princess! She-"

"Came to a bar in Manehatten to act like a princess?" I finish. Whiskey blinks.

"... Right, um, well-" I clamp her beak shut.

"Look, you'll be fine. I promise," I say. I let go of her beak and walk out. I walk back to my seat, sitting next to Luna. “Hey Moonbutt, why did you close down some bars in Canterlot?” I ask. She sighs.

“It ‘twas not me who closed them. That would be the work of a...” Luna trails off, seemingly to literally look for an appropriate word. “What does thou call naive ponies with an annoying want of attention from a pony they so desired?” Luna asks. I quirk an eyebrow.

“Creepy as fuck stalker?” I offer. She nods.

“Yes! A creepy as fuck stalker!” Luna exclaims. Twilight sighs, face hoofing.

“What did we establish not five minutes ago!” She complains.

“Hey, I acknowledge that I create problems. I just don’t fix them most of the time,” I reply. Whiskey opens the door from the other side of the counter. She walks up to us, and leans on the counter.

“So, does everyone know what they want?” She asks.

“Water for me,” Twilight groans. Luna scoffs.

“I would like five shots of whiskey!” She says boldly. Whiskey turns to me with an unamused look.

“Let me guess, you’ll take ten?” She asks. I bark a laugh.

“Hell no, I ain’t getting alcohol poisoning for a stupid contest. Give me a can of beer,” I say. Whiskey laughs and walks to get our orders. Luna turns to me, a cocky smile on her face.

“Anon, does thou acknowledge thy’s incapability to drink more than us?” She asks. I nod.

“Yep. I do. I’m not a heavy drinker,” I deadpan. She rolls her eyes.

“Anon, we art here today to talk about the past week! Tell us! How was thou’s?” She asks. Twilight looks like she’s trying not to pay attention. I sigh. This is gonna be a long talk.

After talking for a good few minutes, I was about to start talking about Wednesday when Whiskey finally pops back in with a tray of our orders. Five shots, a beer can, and a glass of water. “Sorry, there was a little accident with the beer. Some idiot punctured the first can I was bringing.” She says. I shrug as she hands me a beer. She then take the glasses and lines them up for Luna. Luna promptly downs one. No flinch. Damn. Twilight’s impressed too. As Whiskey turns to leave, Luna stops her.

“Whiskey, correct?” Luna asks. The griffon nervously turns to the lunar princess.

“Yes?” She asks, putting on a brave face. Luna smiles.

“We thank thee for thy’s drinks!” She says. Whiskey nods with a small smile before trying to leave. “Why not come join us as we talk?” Luna asks. Whiskey stops, stiff as a board. She nods and turns to walk back to us. She returns to the other side of the counter in front of us, pulling up a stool. Luna turns to me. “Continue,” she says. I shrug and continued where I left off.

“So, Wednesday wasn’t too special at first. Then I saw Shining Armor-“ I was cut off by a hoof slamming on the table.

“You didn’t detain him did you!” Twilight yells. Luna, Whiskey and I give her a ‘What the fuck?’ look.

“Cool your shit Twinkie Glitter,” I chastise. “I didn’t detain him.”

“O-oh...”

“.... I did deny him though.” Twilight sighs.

“Why?” She asks.

“Because he was angry.”

“With you, I’m sure there was a reason he was angry,” Twilight replies. Whiskey narrowed her eyes at the purple princess.

“Well, he wrote a formal complaint. He got a response that chastised him for saying that I’m a problem for him,” I say. Whiskey grins behind a claw while Twilight groans. Luna laughs.

“Verily, we remember that letter. Celly told us about it afterwards. It truly was humorous,” she says. She turns to Twilight. “No offense.”

“None taken,” Twilight responds unconvincingly. I continue my story.

“So, I deny him because of the fact that he was angry due to the law Cadence made. He was even angrier then. I can’t think of anything else that happened on that day, other than being kidnapped by Cadence, paying for my train ride to a place that was close to home, finding a runaway kid-“

“Wait, runaway kid?” Twilight asks. Luna nods as I point of thumb to Whiskey.

“Yeah, I found Whiskey’s nephew on my train ride home. The little guy was alone, so I took him with me to get him to his dad.” I turn to Luna. “By the way, Bacon’s doing fine. I heard he’d be able to leave the hospital in a week.” Luna nods with a smile.

“Yeah, I was so glad to see Maple was fine,” Whiskey says with a smile as she looked at me. Twilight looks at me in surprise. I shrug.

“It’s the least I could do for one of the few creatures who’ve asked me how my day was at work,” I say. Twilight looks at her glass of water in thought. I continue my story as Luna takes another shot of alcohol.

After a whole bunch of talking, Luna is down to one shot. Now, it’s her turn to talk about her week. Twilight had ordered another glass of water, as well as a bowl of fries for all of us. Whiskey came back just in time for Luna to talk. She wasn’t too drunk, thus she’s able to talk. “Well, I admit, the week has been very rough. Did anypony know that the neighboring countries think we’re racist now?” Luna asks with a slight giggle. Whiskey and Twilight give a look of shock. I just shrug. Ponies, ironically enough, are much more likely to be racist than other creatures. What’s sad, is that they don’t intend to be racist, they just kinda are. Though, I thought the other countries would think of this way before now.

“Why!? We’re not racist!” Twilight exclaims. Guess I’ll break the news to her.

“Hey, remember the Hearth’s warming tale?” I ask. Twilight rolls her eyes.

“That was long ago-“

“Hey, remember the changelings before the invasion?” I ask. Twilight sighs.

“Alright, we might have known about their problem, but-“

“Hey, remember that paranoid asshole who closed your school,” I say, taking a sip of beer. I sure do have a lot of beer. I look to see my can’s not even halfway empty. Whiskey’s trying not to laugh as Twilight’s fuming. I perk up as another example came to me. “Hey, remember my good pal Zecora-”

“We learned!” Twilight interjects. I raise an eyebrow with an unconvinced look.

“Yes, because you guys clearly made friends with changelings after you learned you could make friends with a zebra,” I say. Twilight’s ears blew out steam while I take a nonchalant sip of beer. Luna and Whiskey finally start laughing.

“We admit, the ponies are a bit more rude than other races in terms of race,” Luna admits. Twilight sighs in defeat before taking a chip from the bowl.

“Anyway, we hath been to various day courts to assist our sister, and we learned that there was a, as Anon puts it, ‘creepy as fuck stalker’,” Luna says. Whiskey quirks an eyebrow at me while Twilight groans.

“What made him creepy?” Whiskey asks. Luna scoffs and downs a shot to prepare herself.

“He is a health inspector. He has followed me to every bar I would go to and inspects it. He would nitpick everything and declare it unfit for a princess. The review would close down the bar. I hope he is damned to Tartarus,” Luna spats. Whiskey’s eyes go wide.

“So, he’s the one who closes down bars!” She exclaims. Luna looks at Whiskey with a puzzled expression.

“Why art thou surprised?” Luna asks. Whiskey looks sheepish.

“W-well, I thought you closed down bars when they disappoint you,” she says. Luna gasps.

“We are so sorry! We did not intend to strike fear into your heart!” Luna says, putting a hoof on Whiskey’s shoulder. Whiskey giggles.

“It’s fine, Anon managed to stop me from having a heart attack,” she jokes. Twilight looks at me with an unamused expression.

“You know medical cpr?” She asks. I shrug.

“I just calmed her down,” I say. Twilight sighs. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a bat pony walk up.

“Hey stud, wanna-“

“Sorry, I’m not a stud. I’m a guy who doesn’t give a fuck,” I reply, taking a sip of beer as I get flashbacks to when various creatures gave me an invite to go to a strip club. The mare looks at me in shock before walking away.

“That was rude,” Twilight says before taking a sip of water. I give her a deadpan expression as I casually eat a chip. I notice that the chip bowl is almost empty.

“You wanted me to politely say I didn’t want to have sex?” I ask. Twilight spits out her water, coughing. I smirk at the reaction before taking a sip of beer while Luna laughs. Whiskey sighs. Suddenly, the doors burst open. A unicorn stallion walks in, adorning a prim and proper suit and monocle. His mane is black, his coat is grey, and his attitude screams ‘I’m up my own ass’. He walks in and Luna looks over before groaning. She tries to take a shot of whiskey, but there aren’t any left. Twilight gasps silently.

“Let me guess, creepy as fuck stalker?” I ask. Luna nods. Damn the land of coincidences. I turn to her. “Don’t you have a princess power to arrest him for harassment?” I asks. She shakes her head.

“He technically does not interact with us much. He hath kept his distance, but we notice he tends to stare at us,” Luna explains. I look at the supposed stalker and see he’s, in fact, staring at Luna. He notices me staring, and turns to me, glaring. I look at Whiskey.

“Wow, he’s an edgy yandere,” I say. Luna laughs while the other two give me an inquisitive look.

“Verily, he doth seem like it,” Luna agrees. I look at the dude again to find him walking up to us. I look at Whiskey.

“Welp, prepare for trouble,” I say. She sighs and the stallion reaches us.

“Madam, do you have a permit to sell the alcohol this establishment possesses?” He asks. Before Whiskey talks, I cut in to piss him off.

“Do you have jurisdiction in Manehatten?” I ask. He looks at me in unamusement.

“Quiet ape,” He says. I look at him and boop his nose with a stupid laugh.

“Silly sack of shit, I’m a human,” I respond condescendingly. Twilight rolls her eyes at me and looks at the unicorn.

“Do you have jurisdiction in Manehatten?” She asks. The stallion scoffs as Whiskey glares daggers into him.

“No, but my family does. I’d watch my tone,” He smugly says. I look over and resist the urge to grab his horn. Instead, I opt to go back to drinking my beer. Maybe I can smash his face with my fist later.

“Yes. We have the permits,” Whiskey says impatiently.

“Shall I inspect the establishment to see if you are up to code?” He asks. Twilight scoffs.

“You can’t. You don’t have the jurisdiction,” she says. “If you try to, I can call the police to arrest you for harassment towards a legal establishment.” The unicorn glares at Twilight. Luna finally speaks up.

“I can issue a restraining order upon you if you do not walk away,” she says. I smirk. The stallion gasps.

“Princess Luna! I am merely trying to make sure the bars are up to snuff for you!” He genuinely says. He growls at the griffon. “I am upholding a duty I have vowed to accomplish,” he says. Great. A self appointed narcissistic asshole. One of the worst kinds. “I may not be able to be loved by Luna, but I will make sure this filthy grime you call an establishment will no longer exist to tarnish the mane of my beloved princess!” He declares. I look around to notice many different creatures glaring at him all around the bar. Lesson one, never threaten to take an alcoholic’s drink away. Lesson two, if you take it away, you’re fucked. You’re just fucked.

“Oh really?” A minotaur says in the back. He gets up, walking up to tower over the unicorn. “Do you believe that?”

“Yes,” the idiot of a fucking snob says. I look at my beer can out of random curiosity to see that it’s actually fifteen percent alcohol. Shit. That’s like, three times the beer from back on Earth. No wonder I’m getting a little tipsy earlier than usual. Also, why does this can have so much beer? It’s now fuller than last time. I look back up to see a crowd had gathered around the now scared unicorn. “I-I am a r-respected a-and-“

“None of us give a shite,” a Scottish Minotaur says. How the fuck did I not notice the- oh right, beer. I’m not exactly a heavy drinker after all. I regain focus as I see a minotaur drop kick the unicorn out of the door of the bar. I vaguely hear Luna say something. I slowly put my head down. Suddenly, a flashback to about two weeks ago jolts me awake from my stupor. I reach into my pocket and get out... fuck it, I ain’t counting how many bits I have. I lay the bag of bits in front of Whiskey on the counter. She looks at me inquisitively.

“I fuckin lost to one beer. I don’t know why I even bothered to think of whiskey,” I mumble Whiskey smirks.

“You do realize you had ten cans of beer, right?” She asks. My eyes slowly widen.

“Dafuq?” I ask stupidly. Whiskey points down with an amused reaction. I look down to see a pile of crushed beer cans. No fucking wonder I’m drunk. No wonder it felt like there was unending beer. I guess Whiskey was giving me can after can. All thoughts go blank as I look at Whiskey. In my apparent drunken state, I tend to be very weird. Very fucking weird. Like Bonzai weird, but everyone’s name isn’t John, it’s Joe. Anyway, I feel my mind barely holding onto reality. Like I said, I’m a lightweight. Fuck being a heavy weight if it means being a dick like my dad. “You know, my dad sucked,” I say randomly. The ponies and griffon near me look at me in confusion. “He told me that I was such a freeloader, never doing work. I bring in some cash from retail, he spends it on scotch, and then I tell him he’s a fucking idiot.”

“... Anon, are you drunk?” Whiskey asks worriedly.

“Nope. I’m just very tipsy. The British people are retarded, calling French fries chips. Like, dude, either way, it’s a potato that’s cut into a certain shape and fried!” I say. Luna looks at Twilight.

“Is he always like this?” She asks. Twilight shrugs. Whiskey sighs.

“I think he’s drunk enough that he just talks for no reason, I’ve seen it plenty of times,” she says.

“Well, when you multiply the Illuminati, you get forty two,” I respond brilliantly. Whiskey face palms. “When I see rainbows, I think of crying children.”

“Of course you do,” Twilight retorts.

“Shush Bitchface, the emperor is wearing his clothes. Think I should wear the same thing?” I ask. I admit, I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about. I just let my mouth run as I look around lazily. “I think I’d look good in a speedo and crocs,” I continue.

Whiskey sighs as she watches me in my drunken state. She looks at Luna and Twilight for help. Luna smiles sadly. “I am sorry, but I have to leave soon, the night draws near, and our moon has need of rising.” With that, Luna pops out of the bar with a spell. Whiskey rolls her eyes and starts to ask Twilight for help, but stops when she remembers how Twilight and I don’t see eye to eye. Twilight noticed Whiskey started looking at her, and sighs.

“I can’t take him, he’s going to convince me to throw him off a cliff,” Twilight says, smiling a little. While she doesn’t particularly like me, she can still admit that I’m rather comical. Whiskey groans and face palms. She’ll have to take care of me until I’m sober. She can’t leave Maple alone at the hospital for too long, but she has to make sure I’m okay.

“You know what? Where does Anon live?” She asks. I hear the question and look up.

“I live near the Park,” I say. Whiskey tilts her head.

“Why are you able to answer that? I thought-“

“They called corn maize at one point,” I mutter before blacking out. Whiskey sighs.

“Alright everyone! I’m about to leave, so finish up your drinks!” She yells. She hopes I won’t be too much of a problem getting home.

Chapter 8: Back To Fuck-All

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Chapter 9: Some Other Shit I Guess

That night, Whiskey and I talked a lot. She told me the origins of her bar’s name. It was actually illegally named that. A pony suggested the name should be Whiskey’s Hay. Whiskey basically told that pony, ‘no that’s fucktarded’. Instead of changing it, like he was paid to, he kept it. The original name was Whiskey’s Bay. I asked her if she’d keep it, and she responded with a firm ‘Hell no.’ Oh, and I also found out her name isn’t actually Whiskey, it’s Whisk. Someone just thought Whisk was short for Whiskey. Figuring she’d like Whisk better, I started calling her that. A couple months have passed since that night. It’s about to be the beginning of October. Bacon and his family moved back to Griffonstone. Turns out, the mailing system was screwed up in January because a griffon named Gabby was missing for a couple days. She had some vacations days, and the vacation days she asked to take were denied for some bullshit reason. So, Gabby took the days anyway. Then, turns out that Derpy’s route was incorrect. Someone had mixed them up. At first, Derpy was suspected to have just mixed them up by herself on accident, but it turns out that some idiot forgot Derpy’s name. I don’t really know what all else happened, but I tried to just keep out when the court of law stepped in. Whisk is still here, and we still hang out. I invite her to poker night every now and then. She has grown to be very comfortable with me. Though, when I saw her apartment, I was horrified. Dishes everywhere, pile of take-out wrappers in a corner, and a surprising amount of socks everywhere. Apparently, she likes wearing socks. Purple socks specifically. I asked why, and she just shrugged and said they were comfy.

As the time passed, the yaks unaminously decided that I was the backup ambassador if Pinkie was busy. Twilight and I have a slightly improved relationship, but I still call her Bitchface. Celestia’s managed to crack down on that creepy as fuck stalker. Luna and I still go to the bar every now and then. Applejack’s told me about her adventures with her friends. I am happy to say, that I am no longer mixed up with other people’s bullshit for the last nine to ten months.

Nothing else has changed much, other than Whisk’s bar’s name. Oh yeah, the gluten free cupcakes idea was thrown out, and now we give a piece of gum. I don’t have to give it to them now, a machine allows them to if they want to. Oh yeah, there were some racist assholes I met. But now, I’m back to normality.

Currently, it’s October 30. I’m walking to my job at the Checkpoint, with a coffee in hand. I look at my watch to see I’m actually really early for once. About, half an hour early too. I look around as I walk to the Checkpoint. It’s a little dark, making the scene look a little creepy to say the least. Spider webs and pumpkins are set up at various windows and doorsteps of the buildings near the Checkpoint. I suppose the holiday spooks is appreciated by many newcomers. I notice Spearhead and Segway talking to each other as I walk up.

“I’m tellin’ ya, just give him a couple more weeks, he’ll say you-“

“No! He refuses to call me Sergui! He acts like he misheard me, but I know he knows my name!” Segway says. I do know his name’s Sergui, but it’s funny to see him get all pissy about it sometimes.

“Yo! How’s life?” I ask. Segway huffs, and Spearhead looks at me and snickers.

“Heheh, Anon, boss wants to talk to us,” he says. I frown. There goes my good mood.

“What does the pint of anger want? Is it about the gluten free cookie? I already told her the gluten-free cookie idea was shit-“

“Apparently it’s serious,” he interrupts. Segway nods in confirmation. I quirk an eyebrow. What could be so serious? With me in tow, Spearhead leads Segway and I to a building next to the Checkpoint that’s a little ways away from my office. My boss’ building. We rarely go here, and when we do, it’s for some bullshit meeting we started doing since March. Apparently, there was supposed to be some check up meeting or something to keep the more important employees in check.

We walk in to see the reception room is still empty, aside from Lucky’s secretary, Shoeside. Shoeside is a weird dude. He’s basically like a organic computer. He can copy anything, memorize schedules, and makes the best damn coffee for Lucky. He kind of has a crush on Lucky, but she gave him such a cold fucking shoulder, that it would freeze you if you saw it. He still tries though, since I accidentally made Lucky’s first boyfriend break up with her. It wasn’t my fault he’s a dick, he just pushed the wrong button when he assumed I’d do anything for Lucky. Lucky was pissed, she even tried to strangle me. Sadly, her tiny hooves couldn’t grip around my neck properly, thus she was practically just giving me a bear hug. Anyway, we walk through a door on the left that leads to a hallway, and we all notice a certain, unpleasant feeling in the air. Dread. I haven’t dealt with that in forever. We cautiously enter Lucky’s office, to find her behind a desk with a pile of paper. Her desk is a dark brown oak, with a nice little lamp for her to see her work at night. It’s doing jack shit since the sun’s up enough to shine light through the windows. She sits on a swivel seat of her own, though it’s boosted up a little due to her height. She’s writing down signatures and reports, barely paying any attention to her surroundings. I clear my throat, gaining her attention. She sighs at the sight of us.

“Anon, Spearhead, Sergui, come in please,” she says. I smirk.

“I see what you did there,” I comment. She looks at me with confusion as I walk in, but shakes her head.

“No, Anon, this is serious,” she says. I quirk an eyebrow as the two guards walk in.

“What could be so serious?” I ask. Lucky sighs again, genuinely looking a little sad.

“... I’m leaving the Checkpoint.” All of our eyes widen as stunned silence fills the room.

“... What?” Spearhead asks. Lucky looks at us.

“I’m leaving the Checkpoint. I’m being transferred to Canterlot,” she says, a weak smile on her face. Well, that’s technically good news. This means she’ll be paid more, and that she’s much more reliable then whatever is controlling Canterlot’s Checkpoint already. Spearhead and Sergui smile widely.

“Really! Canterlot Checkpoint! That’s wonderful!” Sergui says.

“Yeah! You’ll be living the highlife with the rich snobs of Equestria!” Spearhead says. I snicker, but I frown once again as I realize something. Apparently, Spearhead and Sergui realize it too, as they suddenly frown as well.

“.... But you’ll be leaving,” I say. Lucky sniffs, and nods.

“Yes, I’m still leaving. I... I honestly always dreamed of this. I’ll be in Canterlot with a new house, and I’ll have a bigger income. I just... I realize that I’ll miss you guys,” she says, slumping a little. I shake my head.

“Wait, why us? We’re just guards,” Spearhead states. Lucky rolls her eyes.

“You two actually have a bucking personality,” she points out. We all laugh a little, before falling back into a somber silence.

“... So, when you get into the carriage for Canterlot, will they give you a booster seat?” I ask, smiling like an idiot. Lucky takes a deep breath in, and a deep breath out.

“Anon, as much as I don’t like saying this, I’ll miss you. Just a little. I hate your size jokes, but I think I’ll miss that later.”

“Wait really? I thought you hated me,” I say. Segway looks at me in confusion.

“Why would she-“

“I detained her first ever coltfriend. Well, now ex-coltfriend due to that little fiasco,” I say. Lucky takes another deep breath in, and a breath out.

“While he was my coltfriend, I found out that he did a little bit of illegal business when I’m not looking. He sold drugs and took drugs. So, in the end, it worked out. That’s the only reason I haven’t been wringing Anon’s neck,” she says. I shrug.

“Also, your arms are too little to-“

“If you finish that sentence, I will personally toss you out the window,” Lucky cuts in. I smirk.

“How?” I ask. She points to her horn. I roll my eyes.

“Damn overpowered pony magic.”

“Anyway, I will be leaving the Checkpoint in a week. Please, for the love of Celestia, don’t Make this week a crappy week,” she says, exhaustion managing to creep into her voice. I give a half assed salute while the other two guards give full salutes. We leave the room, and I frown, I’d never say this to her face, but I’ll miss that angry tater tot.

It’s about noon, and I haven’t met too many strange entrants. Except for now. I’m dealing with an idiot pony.

“Just because you painted stripes on yourself, does not make you a zebra!” I yell. The pony in question, is a white pony with wonky stripes painted on her.

“I am a zebra! I have stripes! Don’t undermine what I am because of my body!” She yells back. I face palm and sigh.

“Look, I’ll have to detain you if-“

“You racist bastard!” She yells, I sigh and get my walkie talkie.

“This is CPI, we have a fucking idiot who’s impersonating a zebra,” I say. Moments later, Segway walks in and looks at the pony. He looks at me, confusion in his eyes.

“She is a zebra,” he says with a puzzled tone. I groan, and lean to the door.

“Spearhead!” I yell. Seconds later, Spearhead walks in.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“This idgit can’t see that she’s a pony,” I say. Spearhead looks at the pony. He looks back to me, confused as well.

“But, she’s a zebra,” he says.

“Oh god fucking damn it,” I say, face palming. “Can’t you see the paint that’s literally dripping off her,” I strain. Both the guards look at the pony closely. Spearhead grabs his walkie talkie with his hoof and leans towards it.

“Hey boss? Can you come over?” He asks. Segway shakes his head.

“Well, zebras have to get their stripes somehow,” he speculates, looking at me square in the fucking eyes with his bullshit. The pony looks at him with offense.

“Zebras are fucking born with stripes!” I yell, raising my arms in the air.

“Yeah!” The mare agrees. Segway tenses up, but tries to protest.

“W-well how would you know?” He asks.

“My friend Zecora, is a zebra!” I say. He rubs his chin with his hoof before Spearhead speaks.

“How do you know she’s a zebra?” He asks, as if it was a philosophical question. It’s at this moment I remember that they’re guards. Equestria’s guards are the stupidest ones.

“Alright, what is so bad you had to call me in here?” Lucky asks, stepping in. She sees the pony with paint, and groans deeply. “Let me guess, idiocy?” She asks, looking at me. I nod. “Hold up,” she says. She walks out. After a moment, she walks back in with a bucket. She lunges the bucket forward, drenching the pony in water. As expected, the pony’s paint was washed off, revealing a white pony, with a look of horror on her face.

“Now, without further ado,” I say, gesturing to the now angry guards.

“DETAINED!!!” Both guards said at the same time, grabbing the mare with one arm each. They walk out, and Lucky sighs.

“Idiots,” she says, trotting out. The door closes, and I sigh. I really don’t want to have to deal with idiots.

I lean towards the mic. “Next!” I yell. A familiar coated griffon walks in. Featherbird.

“Ah! My human friend! It is nice to see you! Are you doing well?” He asks. I quirk an unamused eyebrow.

“You sure talk a lot now,” I say. He chuckles.

“Indeed. I find it amusing how blunt you are,” he says. I roll my eyes. “Oh, and thank you for showing mercy to my nephew, he has managed to gain the forgiveness of his fellow griffons once he showed he had learned. He’s now managing various diplomatic meetings as we speak!” The excitement in the griffon’s voice is very hard to miss. I nod.

“No problem. Papers please,” I say. He hands me his papers and I check them. After giving him a green stamp, he passes.

I lean towards the mic, “Next!”

The next entrant is Zecora. I smile as I see her. “Zecora! What’s up?” I greet. She smiles, walking up.

“Oh you know, just... zebra things...” I slowly frown. I lean towards my walkie talkie.

“This is CPI, we have a changeling impersonator.” The changeling reverts to his original form, wearing an unamused expression. It’s the red dude again. “Again? Didn’t I shoot your ass?” I ask. He sighs.

“I have business in Equestria that’s urgent.”

“Then, get a fucking passport you fucking idiot.”

“But I’ll need a workers pass.”

“Dude, the price for paper work is lower. The griffons complained that most of them couldn’t pay for it. Thus, now it’s like, five bits,” I say. His.... eyes widen? I can’t really tell if those are eyes. What’s the insect word for insect-eye-balls? Anyway, he looks at me in disbelief.

“Five bits? That’s all?” He asks. I nod.

“Yep. Now, everyone can pay for it.”

“What about regular passports?”

“The Minotaur country’s making them for free since they don’t understand them.”

“Minotaur country? What’s the country’s name?”

“Minotaur country.”

“... Minotaur Country?”

“Yep.”

“... They’re not too creative, are they?”

“Nope.” Spearhead pokes his head in and sees the red changeling.

“Oh, is that Buzz?” He asks. I look at him.

“The bug’s name is Buzz?” I ask. He nods.

“Yeah, nice mare,” he says. Buzz smiles at Spearhead while I grow confused. Buzz is a chick? Wow. Did not see that coming.

“Thank you! You’re the first pony to say I’m nice,” she says. She looks at me with a smug grin. “It looks like there are at least some nice stallions.”

“... You’re a chick?” I ask bluntly. Her expression turns back to bemusement.

“Couldn’t you tell?” She asks. I shake my head.

“No,” I say bluntly. She sighs.

“Of course.”

“I’m sorry Buzz, but can we-“

“I’m moving, I’m moving,” she says exasperatedly. I sit in my seat with a confused expression. Well, now it makes sense why she always did a female part. I lean towards the mic.

“Next!”

It’s almost closing time, and I only have enough time to allow a couple more entrants. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”

The next entrant is- God fucking dammit, it’s Bitchface. “Hello,” she says. I groan.

“Why the fuck are you back here? Forgot your book on how to get a romantic relationship?” I ask. She looks at me with surprise before she stops herself from laughing.

“I’ll have to use that later,” she whispers. Okay, that’s weird. I squint my eyes.

“True or false, you need a passport,” I say, Twilight smirks.

“False.”

“Okay, who the fuck are you?” I ask. ‘Twilight’ gasps.

“Why would you-“

“Changelings are shit actors when they act like royalty,” I say. She sighs and her body alights with green fire. What stands before me is none other than the buggy bitch herself, Queen Chrysalis. She hisses at me.

“Such an astute, yet foul creature,” she says. I shrug.

“Yeah, that sounds like me.”

“So, what would you gain for being an Equestrian lapdog?” She asks. I quirk an eyebrow.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re a slave in the Equestrian society.”

“... I don’t think you know how negotiations work, you’re supposed to give the person in power a reason not to hurt you,” I say. Chrysalis deadpans at me. “I mean, if this is the same queen who took over Canterlot, I bet you had a string of miracles helping you,” I say. She narrows her eyes at me. “I mean, jeez, most changelings would offer ‘under the table’ services to-“

“Enough! Stop mocking me you-“

“Tell ya what, fuck off, get a passport, and I’ll see if I can let you in legally,” I say. Chrysalis blinks. She narrows her eyes at me.

“What trickery are you planning ape?”

“No trickery, just testing to see if you have enough brains to at least get a legal passport,” I say. She sighs.

“... Fine,” she says. She leaves, grumbling under her breathe. I groan as I realize what I just did. I just gave a terrorist a second chance. Fuck my life. I lean towards the mic.

“Next!” The next creature is a pink filly with a blue curly mane. Her eyes are red. She’s already giving me a bad vibe. I quirk an eyebrow. “Kid, where are your parents?” I ask. She walks up and smiles nervously.

“In Equestria?” She offers. Something just feels off about her.

“... Why are you here if your parents are over there?” I ask. She looks down in thought. She looks up.

“Hey, I have something that might benefit us both,” she says. I roll my eyes and lean down.

“What is it?” I ask.

“Unlimited power, taken from the unsuspecting forces of Tartarus, and a group dedicated to my cause.”

“... Alright Palpatine, tell you what. When you’re older, and your folks are okay with it, then try to cross the-“ The filly pulls up a wand, and directs it towards me. Her eyes glow, signifying power seeping out of her.

“Look, my patience is running out with you, and I literally crawled out of Tartarus, how about-“ I yank the wand away from her. Pony tip one oh one, hooves have terrible grip. They can grab, somehow, but the object they grab is barely held onto. No matter how big it is. The filly looks at me in surprise as I held her leverage away from her.

“Okay cupcake, what now?” I ask. She growls and puts a hoof to her mouth as she whistles. I quirk an eyebrow. “The hell?” Suddenly, an explosion rocks the Checkpoint, making me stumble and fall back. The wand slips out of my grip, and lands in the filly’s hoof.

“Now, I take you hostage,” she says cheerfully. I sigh. I start to reach for the crossbow under the desk from where I’m laying, but I hear a zap before my hand slaps onto my other hand, suddenly tied together. Shit. I look up before seeing a hoof coming down onto my face. Double shit.

I slowly come to, instantly recognizing the fact that I’m sitting on the ground. I lazily tilts my head up, struggling to open my eyes. Why does my head hurt so much!? Wait. The last thing I remember is... I snap my eyes open and look around. To my left, Segway sits on his haunches, his hooves in chains. We’re on the right side of the Checkpoint, in Equestrian territory. Dafuq? I look to the right, and see that my office isn’t too far away. I look ahead to see that brat in front of me, facing a crowd of ponies being held back by caution tape. At the front of the crowd, is Whisk, Spearhead, Lucky, and Celestia.

“Segway you bucking idiot!” Spearhead yells.

“My negotiating skills are awesome! They’re just slowly working!” Segway yells back.

“Shut up!” The filly yells.

“What the hell is going on!?” I yell. Everyone’s eyes fall on me. Segway chuckles nervously.

“Negotiations?” He offers. I squint my eyes at him as the filly and the crowd goes back to arguing.

“Tell me what the fuck you did,” I mutter. He sighs.

“Well, that filly’s kind of a terrorist apparently. Then, it turns out she was from Tartarus. She held you hostage, and I offered to negotiate,” he says. I quirk an eyebrow.

“So, why’re you tied up?”

“She requested another hostage,” he says. I breathe in deeply.

“I swear to God Segway,” I respond.

“Release my subjects!” Celestia yells to the filly.

“No! We need to negotiate first, until I get a much more favorable outcome!” She yells back. I sigh.

“I see you guys are losing an argument to a child,” I point out loudly.

“That’s what I said!” Whisk yells. I see Celestia nudge Whisk and said something into her ear. Whisk’s eyes shoot open. “Don’t do anything stupid Anon!” She yells. The filly nods.

“That’s right! Don’t do anything stupid! For I, Cozy Glow, will-“

“Wait wait wait,” I interrupt.

“What?” The filly says impatiently. I see Celestia glare at me and shake her head.

“Your name’s Cozy Glow? That’s your name!?” I yell. She leans back as I actually get pissed. Celestia face hoofs as everyone else tenses up. “You idgits are losing an argument to a terroristic filly, whose name is Cozy fricken’ Glow!? WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL!?!?” I yell.

“Shut up! I doubt your name is-“

“I know my name’s crappy! I was born in Kentucky, you could literally name a kid anything in Kentucky!” I yell. She backs off. “But your name, is fricken Cozy Glow!?” She groans and face hoofs.

“So, this is what they meant when they said you were trouble.”

“Who!?”

“My agents, they tried to open up the border to everyone by force in December,” she says. It suddenly clicks. Shit. She’s much more dangerous than I thought. How the hell can I get out of this? I look around quickly, trying to find an escape route. If I could just get to my office. What can I do!? I’m tied up magically, and the only thing I can use is... my voice. If this land is cartoony enough, I just might be tossed aside due to my insufferable jibber jabbering. Fuck it, if I die, I wouldn’t be too terribly missed.

“So, you’re the cult leader?” I ask. She giggles.

“Yep! Sacrifices can go a long way when you-“

“You sucked absolute dong if you miserably failed,” I continue. She blinks and growls, pointing the wand at me.

“No! I am the best! I-“

“Made a plan to blow up a wall. That’s all you planned to do at my Checkpoint.”

“Anon! Stop antagonizing her!” Whisk yells fearfully. I look at her and wink with a smirk. Confusion is written on her face as I metaphorically push harder.

“Well, with the Checkpoint blown up, I could unleash all of Tartarus’ demons into Equestria!”

“Wow. That’s the most boring plan ever,” I comment. Cozy grinds her teeth as Celestia frantically signals me to cut this shit out. Cozy stamps a hoof into the ground.

“No it’s not!” I give a mock sigh.

“Oh my God, Equestria’s ruler was losing an argument to a sadistic, whiny, lunatic of a kid,” I say. Celestia places her face into hooves, trying not to send a blast of magic to shut me up.

“... You know what? You’re too annoying to keep around,” Cozy says before using a wand to levitate me. When I start moving, I feel nauseated as I fly through the air, soaring above the crowd of ponies. I shut my eyes, and feel myself suddenly land in a metallic chamber.

“Ow,” I whimper. I open my eyes and realize I’m in a trash can. I’m upside down. Great. I look at the bottom of the bin to see a bit. “Oh hey, a bit!”

I wade through the crowds, determined to resolve this myself. Suddenly, I feel a claw grab my head and force me to look down to see a pissed off Whisk. “What were you doing!?” She yells. I sigh.

“Doing something the princess should’ve done.”

“And that is!?”

“Knocking her the fuck out,” I respond intelligently. Whisk drags a claw down her face, trying to contain her annoyance. She shuts her eyes.

“I swear to whatever deity is listening, if you-“ as she rambles with her eyes closed, I carefully slide past her and head towards the direction of my office.

I finally make it to the front of the crowd, and I see Cozy has a new hostage, which is a hippogriff. I spot Spearhead next to Celestia and wade over to him. I tap him on the shoulder. He turns to me and sighs.

“Anon, that stunt you pulled should have killed you,” he says with a glare. I smirk.

“Come on, we both know that this is the land of magic. Literally anything is possible,” I say. He rolls his eyes, still frowning.

“I don’t give a buck, you could’ve died!” He exclaims. I shrug.

“Oh, by the way, can you distract her?” I ask. He quirks an eyebrow.

“Why?” He asks. I smirk.

“I’m gonna use the tranquilizers,” I say. He widens his eyes before smirking.

“You owe me,” he says. I nod. Spearhead looks towards the filly and goes to the right. He jumps over the tape, determined. “Take me hostage! Let the hippogriff go!” He yells, drawing the filly’s attention while I sneak away. The filly shrugs, and uses her wand to levitate the hippogriff and throw him into the crowd. Celestia looks at Spearhead with sorrow as he’s levitated towards Segway. Out of the corner of her eye, however, she notices me making my way to my office, tippy-toe-ing carefully. Letting out a deep sigh, she keeps her mouth shut about my position, not wanting to needlessly bring attention towards me. She can only hope I don’t do something stupid.

I quickly enter my office, and look around. I look under my desk to find my crossbow there. Thank God she didn’t move it. I grab it, and try to find the sleeping darts. I look around and find them in a drawer in a desk. I grab them, load them, and hopped through the window. I move to the the door entrants usually exit out of and crack it open to see the filly’s still arguing with the crowd, facing away from my direction. I smirk. I close the door, and bang on it. After a moment, I hear her.

“Oh for the love of- Who’s there?!” An angry Cozy yells. I smile. I always wanted to say this.

“FBI OPEN UP!!!” I yell, kicking the door open, which apparently knocks the filly back. Her wand was released from the sudden impact, flying in the air before landing near Celestia. Celestia looks at it in shock before quickly picking it up with her magic. She snaps it in half, which makes the remains burst into flames. I keep my crossbow trained on the dazed filly. She blinks away her confusion, and looks around. She’s trapped, and her plan ultimately failed. Her face switches to anger as she looks at me.

“You asshole!” She yells. She stamps her hooves on the ground in a tantrum. “You ruined everything!” She stops to glare at me with the craziest fucking eyes I’ve ever seen, grinding her teeth.

“Yeah, I tend to do that,” I say, never moving the crossbow’s aim. Cozy keeps her glare on me.

“I swear, you’ll pay! You’ll all pay!” She yells. On the inside, I roll my eyes. One of Equestria’s greatest threats, is apparently a psychopathic kid. “I was so close, so close! But nooooo! I have to lose to a dumb monkey!” She yells.

“I still have a crossbow trained on you,” I point out. She rolls her eyes before giving me a puppy dog face.

“You wouldn’t hurt a-“ I pull the trigger to launch a dart. The sedative hits its mark on her chest. She looks down in shock before falling to her side, knocked out.

“I’m seriously sick of your shit,” I remark.

It’s been an hour after the situation, and Cozy’s in chains. A bit much for a kid, but I won’t complain. I sit next to Segway, who’s writing stuff down for a report or something, and Spearhead, who’s recounting his deck of cards. We sit in front of the Checkpoint on Equestria’s side, on the cement floor. I’m munching on an apple I got as I watch the various ponies around the Checkpoint go about their business. Celestia’s talking to a group of reporters, with Lucky beside her on a stool. She’s hiding the fact that she’s pissed about the stool very well. “Hey Anon, I was wondering,” Segway starts, breaking the silence between the three of us. I sigh.

“Wondering about what?” I ask, taking another bite from the apple.

“How did you know what to do?” He asks. I shrug. Before I could respond, Spearhead speaks.

“It’s Anon, he just wings whatever he’s doing more than half the time,” Spearhead says, never looking up from his deck. “If I were to guess, he pulled everything out of his rear as he went along.”

“Yep,” I confirm, taking another bite from the apple.

“... Isn’t that dangerous?” Segway asks, looking at us from either side. I nod.

“Yes,” Spearhead and I respond in unison. Segway looks down at his parchment in thought. The peace that was going to ensue was broken before it even started. Whisk’s coming up, and she’s pissed. “Oh shit,” I say, my expression never changing. Spearhead and Segway look up to see the angry griffon.

“I’m out,” Spearhead says.

“Ditto,” Segway says.

“Really guys?” I ask. “After all we’ve been through?”

“Anonymous!” Whisk yells. I sigh and look over to her just in time to get bitch slapped. “What did I tell you!?” She screams. “I told you to let the police handle it! But no! You charged in to do who knows what!”

“But I-“ I receive another bitch slap.

“No! I am not done!” Whisk yells. I rub my cheek as it stings. Yeah, I deserved that. “You just bucking charged off! Did you even have a plan!?” Whisk asks. I shake my head. “Then, why in Tartarus did you do that!? She was one of the biggest villains in Equestrian history, and you decided to antagonize her!? Did you want to die or something!?” I suppress myself from sighing. She has a right to be mad after all. I see Celestia coming up.

“Excuse me miss, I-“ Whisk looks at Celestia, severely pissed off.

“I DON’T GIVE A BUCK!!!” She yells. Celestia flinches away, widening her eyes. Whisk turns her rage back to me. “Don’t ever do that again you stupid, bucking idiot!” She finishes. She rushes forward to me, wrapping me in a tight hug, before sobbing into my chest. I have no fuckin’ clue on what I’m supposed to do. Do I hug her? She might rip my arms off. Saying sorry is probably about as effective as pissing in the wind. “Please, don’t ever do that again,” Whisk whimpers, before sobbing even more. I sigh.

“I’m sorry I made you worry,” I try. It might be useless, but it’s something. I rub Whisk’s back, feeling the soft feathers covering her body as I try to comfort her. “... How can I make it up to you?” I ask. I hear Whisk sniff.

“... You’re gonna take me to a movie tonight,” she says. I nod.

“Okay,” I promise.

“... Anon?” Celestia speaks, reminding me she’s here. I look up, still petting Whisk as she finally calms down.

“Yeah Sunbutt?” I ask. She sighs at the nickname.

“You made great risks today,” she says. I shrug. “Your apparent lack of self preservation was unsettling.”

“What about Spearhead and Segway? Didn’t they do the same thing?” I ask. She shakes her head.

“They’re trained to give their lives if Equestria depends on it,” she starts. “If you had waited, Twilight and her friends would get here in time to deal with the situation without too much casualty.” I grimace.

“How many casualties did I cause?” I ask. Celestia sighs again.

“Honestly, none, but you still put out too many risks. You-“ Suddenly, a gold chariot lands a little ways away from Celestia and I. It swerves left and right, barely avoiding ponies before it comes skidding to a halt right behind Celestia. Celestia takes a deep breath in and out before turning to see the chariot. In the chariot, was Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rainbow, Rarity, and Starlight. Applejack’s told me about Starlight, I hope she’s as nice as Applejack says she is. All of them look panicked and sick. I smirk.

“They almost caused more casualties than I did just by getting here,” I comment. Celestia tosses me a warning glare before returning her attention to the mares in question.

“Princess! I heard there was an emergency, what’s wrong?” Twilight asks in a panic. She looks around, and grows confused at the lack of an emergency situation. Not a single one of them pays any mind to the griffon that’s still hugging me.

“Twilight, my faithful student, I’m pleased that you came as quickly as you could, but Anonymous has actually taken care of it already,” Celestia says. “Though, he did it in such a risky way.” Twilight sees me and narrows her eyes.

“What did he do?” she says with a dangerous tone. While Celestia isn’t looking, I flip Twilight off. Twilight knows me well enough to perfectly understand what that means.

“He endangered his life to subdue Cozy Glow, who had escaped from Tartarus,” Celestia informs. Twilight and her friends all gasp. Skittles flies up.

“Cozy Glow escaped!? Where is she, I’ll-“

“She’s currently knocked out from a sedative injected into her because of Anon,” Spearhead says, still counting his deck of cards. Segway nods.

“Yeah, you should’ve seen him,” he says. All the mares look at me with surprise. Celestia grimaces.

“But, it was unnecessary and-“

“Celestia, your first negotiator allowed her to take another hostage,” I point out. Spearhead sighs and looks up.

“Look, it’s not one of my best ideas-“

“It was all around stupid,” I cut in. He huffs and goes back to writing up his report.

“Wait, hostages?” Rarity asks.

“I was the first hostage,” I say. Applejack’s face twists with confusion..

“Wait, so, how did you-“

“I annoyed her enough to throw me aside and get a new hostage,” I explain. Applejack shakes her head.

“Sugarcube, you’re weird,” she says. I nod. Starlight walks up.

“Wait, how do you all know him?” She asks. Before any of them answered, I sum up my time in Ponyville.

“Three of them ran me out of town for no fucking reason,” I say. She flinches as I curse, but notices no one else is reacting. “They had a petition and everything. They ran me out, tore my house down, and stole all my shit.” Starlight looks at me with horror. She turns to the six mares, who all have a look of shame. “Ask around If you don’t believe me,” I say. Starlight looks at the ground in deep thought before looking at me.

“Hey, did you try to convince Cozy Glow to surrender at least?” She asks. I shake my head.

“Look, Cozy Glow’s insane. Like, she’s so far off the deep end, sanity is an unwelcome guest that gets stabbed forty seven times in the chest,” I say.

“That, and she was preparing to sacrifice the hostages,” Celestia adds in. I give her a shocked look.

“Wait, she was actually gonna kill us?!” I exclaim. Celestia nods while all the mares are horrified. “I didn’t fucking know that!” I yell.

“The point still stands, she was too far gone to be saved,” Celestia says. Starlight sighs. Twilight looks at me. She opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. She closes it, and looks to Celestia.

“I’ll check to see if everyone’s okay,” she says. As she walks off, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Skittles walk up. Pinkie and Rarity start talking to each other.

“I admit, you got some guts!” Rainbow says. I shrug. Fluttershy, careful to not disturb the still hugging griffon, reaches over to hug me too.

“Don’t risk your life like that,” she whimpers. Applejack nods.

“Yeah, you should’ve waited for us!” She says. I give them all a bemused look while Fluttershy releases me from her grip.

“Equestria’s ruler, a literal goddess, was losing an argument to a crazy kid,” I say. I see Celestia sigh, face hoofing. Rainbow Dash rolls her eyes.

“Can you stop acting like a jerk for five minutes?” She asks. I shrug.

“Not really,” I say. Whisk finally gets up, and sits beside me, next to Segway. Her eyes are a little red, and the feathers on her face are a little matted. I pat her head, and look at Twilight, who’s talking to various reporters with Lucky. “So, how’s Nurple doing?” I sarcastically ask. As Rainbow and Flutters look confused, Applejack and Celestia roll their eyes.

“Anon, she hasn’t said one rude thing-“

“I’m still mad at her,” I point out. Celestia sighs yet again.

“You know what? I think it would be best if you went ahead and left. I doubt you’d be much help at the moment,” she says. I nod, and get up. Whisk gets up as well, and grabs my arm.

“Movies. Now,” Whisk demands, already starting to drag me. I chuckle, and allowed her to do so. The three ponies and princess watch on with various reactions. Fluttershy’s smiling faintly, Applejack’s chuckling, Rainbow’s gagging, and Celestia gives me a stern look as I leave. I have no doubt that I’ll be catching even more hell later.

Author's Note

Yep.
This happened.
Praise the sun.
Have a good one.

Chapter 10: Fuck Making Chapter Titles

Nightmare Night wasn’t too special. Got a day off, gave carrots instead of candy because I’m an ass, hung out with Whisk, Whisk dragged me to her apartment and made me watch horror movies, and hung out with Spearhead afterwards for a game of poker. Though, when I hung out at Whisk’s place, I was appalled at the fact that it was messy again. I cleaned everything up, and she bitched at me about it. Quite frankly, her room was the scariest part of the day.

It’s been a week. Today, on November 6th, a Friday, the border is closed so that the new manager of the Checkpoint can get acquainted, while Lucky makes her way to leave. Spearhead, Segway, and I are running as fast as we can to say bye to our former boss. We all woke up late, and need to get our asses to the train station. As we come up, I can see Lucky starting to board the train. “WAAAIIIIT!!!” We all yell. She stops and looks over. She smiles weakly at us as we pant and gasp, walking up.

“Hello everyone. Why’re you here?” She asks. I raise a hand.

“To say goodbye-“ I pant, “to your small,” I pant, “midgety ass!” I finish, panting some more. Lucky frowns and starts walking to the train. “Wait!” I yell. I finally recompose my breathing as I hear Lucky laugh come back out with a grin.

“Boss, we’re gonna miss you,” Segway says, finally catching his breath as well. We both look at Spearhead, but he’s on the ground.

“Oh Celestia, my legs burn,” he whines. We all chuckle at that. Lucky looks at us all here, seeing her off as she’s about to start a new chapter in her life.

“Thank you all, I didn’t think you would actually say bye to me,” she says. I smirk.

“I had to deal with your scrawny ass for half a year. We’re practically buds since you didn’t kill me by now, with all the messing around I did,” I joke. She giggles. Spearhead finally gets up.

“Boss, as a member of the royal guard, it was an honor serving under you,” he says, bowing. Lucky rolls her eyes.

“Get up, you’re reminding me how short I am,” she says.

“Yeah, I’m supposed to do that,” I say, bopping Spearhead lightly. Lucky looks at Segway suddenly.

“And Sergui, before I forget, do me a favor and never be in charge,” she says. We all start chuckling slightly at that sentence.

“Hey! Why not!” He asks, hiding a smirk. Lucky points to me.

“Tell him.” I nod.

“You’re an idiot, you make terrible quick decisions, and if I were to trust you with my life, you would trip and destroy it in the span of five minutes,” I say instantly. We all laugh at the expense of the admittedly dim guard.

We all said our goodbyes, hugged it out, and waved bye as Lucky steps into the train. She waves back at us through a window, actually tearing up a little in the corners of her eyes. The three of us stood on the platform, waiting in silence. We promised Lucky that we’d greet our new boss.

“... Hey Anon? What do you think the new guy’s like?” Segway asks. I shrug.

“For all I know, they could be a random hobo,” I respond.

“Come on, think positive,” Spearhead says. I roll my eyes. I spot the next train coming up to us, slowing down as it arrives. As it stops next to the platform, it gives a steamy hiss. The doors open, allowing various ponies out. I scan through the crowd to see if anyone looks out of place. Wait, is that a sign? One unicorn, a dark orange coat with a brown mane, is holding up a sign. ‘The New Guy’ it reads. I walk towards the stallion, who keeps looking around. When his eyes land on me, they widen.

“Hey dude, you the new Checkpoint manager?” I ask. He coughs.

“I’m sorry sir-“ oh God he’s British, “- I don’t believe you are to be one of my acquaintances.”

“Oh really?” I ask, crossing my arms.

“Well, are you Mr Anonymous?” He asks, looking unsure. Oh for fuck’s sake.

“Yep. Assholiest person in the universe. Got an award for it too,” I say. He frowns.

“Erm, did you... cuss?” He asks uncertainly. I sigh deeply.

“Hey Anon, did you find our boss?” Spearhead asks, walking up with Segway in tow. I nod as I turn to him.

“Yep. He’s British,” I say. Spearhead sighs while Segway looks at me in confusion.

“And that means?” Segway asks.

“Oh, right, Canterlot accent,” I correct.

“What’s wrong with my Canterlot accent?” The stallion asks, offended.

“American bitch, we created Treason Day,” I say, fisting the air. Confusion is the only reaction everyone gives me.

“Well, my name is Smooth Course,” he says, as if I’m supposed to know who he is. I have a feeling he’s gonna hate his job.

We walk him downtown, showing him various places and what they are. “That right there is the diner I go to in the morning. It’s fucking amazing,” I say.

“... Can you stop cussing?” He asks. I look at him.

“Give me a reason.”

“... It makes me uncomfortable,” he admits. I sigh.

“... Fine,” I say. “But, if you screw up in a bad way five times, I will curse forever more around you.” He looks down in thought.

“... Define screwing up in a bad way,” he says.

“Generally anything that makes me mad at you.”

“Alright, seems simple enough,” he says, smiling slightly. Spearhead and Segway snicker.

“Oh, you naive little pony, that’s what they all say,” I say. He gives me a confused look. We walk around some more, until we come to a particular bar, named Whiskey’s Bay. I smirk. “This right here, is the best bar in the city.” I see Segway and Spearhead snicker at me, but Smooth frowns.

“Ugh, bars. I bet uncultured brutes run this place,” I frown and give him a slight glare.

“Wow, just like that, you lost three chances. Try not to muck it up again,” I warn, walking towards the bar as the pony sputters.

“... and furthermore, you are quite frankly the most despicable creatures I have ever met. As my friend says, ‘Get your ass out of here before I kick it out!’” I quirk an eyebrow as I walk in. I see Whisk facing two appalled-looking ponies. One stallion and mare. They look similar to that creepy as fuck stalker from over half a year ago.

“Whisk, I sensed someone quoting me, what’s wrong?” I ask, walking up. The ponies jump and look at me. Whisk looks at me, and her feathers settle down slightly.

“Anon! What brings you here?” She asks, as if nothing was wrong. I narrow my eyes.

“Whisk. Don’t avoid the question,” I say, crossing my arms. The couple looks at Whisk as she answers. They gave a sharp glare.

“These two came in, harassing me about various violations that weren’t even true. They proceeded to knock various things over, and harassed some of the other customers. I was just asking them to leave,” she explains, shooting a glare right back at the ponies. I turn my gaze down to the ponies, who turn to look at me. Though, when they see my piercing gaze, they gulp audibly. I lean down, looking over them.

“Get your ass out of this bar, and never come back. I doubt the more loyal patrons here appreciate your attempts at the moment,” I say, gesturing to the Minotaurs in the back, who are giving a death glare to the ponies. They look over at the Minotaurs, and their eye pupils shrink. They practically jet out, running for the hills. I stare out the door they left through, smirking as my new boss walks in.

“Oh Celestia! The stench-“

“Get the buck out!” Whisk yells. Smooth Course makes no argument as he backpedals quickly out the door. Spearhead walks in after he leaves, shaking his head.

“Maim, I’d like to order a pint for the road,” he says. Whisk sighs.

“Sorry, out of to-go sippy cups,” she smartasses. I snicker at the attitude Whisk has. Spearhead rolls his eyes and decides to just walk out. “... Sorry about the outburst,” she mutters to me. I shrug, taking a seat.

“It’s fine. So, who were the ass-hats?” I ask. She scoffs, and starts rubbing her temples.

“Remember Luna’s stalker?”

“... Oof,” I say, shaking my head as I piece it together. “They tried their damnest to villainize you, right?”

“Yes.”

“Hm, think they’ll charge you for verbal harassment?” I ask. She shakes her head.

“I doubt it, after the stunt they pulled,” she says, smirking.

“Also, do you have anything I could have on the go?” I ask. She brightens up immediately.

“Yes actually! I meant to give it to you this morning, but you were in a rush,” she says. She leans down behind the counter. I can see her wings are slightly open, indicating her excitement. I smile a little. I’m lucky to have met her, if I’m being honest. Whisk pops up, holding a small foam box. “I kinda just whipped it up, I uh, hope it tastes good,” she says, blushing slightly. I take the box, and open it. Inside, is a couple of waffles with butter on it. “It’s still warm, so, um, eat up,” Whisk encourages. I shrug and grabbed a fork she handed me.

I get a piece of waffle, and take a bite. Woah. It tastes... pretty good. I start eating the waffle at a faster pace. Maybe I just haven’t eaten waffles in a long time. No way a waffle could taste this good. I take the last bite of waffle, and immediately felt sad. No more waffle left. I sigh in contentment nonetheless. “... So?” Whisk asks nervously. I give a thumbs up.

“That was fan-fucking-tastic!” I declare. I hear snickers from some of the patrons of the bar. “Hell, if you ever went out of business, you should be a cook!” I say. Whisk is blushing furiously, but she keeps her smile as if she’s not embarrassed at all.

“Hey Anon! Once you and the lovebird are done, we have to show the boss his house! Come on!” I hear Segway yell impatiently. I sigh as Whisk’s feathers ruffle up. She glares in the direction of Segway’s voice.

“Dammit, I guess I’ll see you around Whisk,” I say. Whisk looks back to me and smiles.

“Alright, have a nice day Anon,” she says, waving as I get up. I walk to the door, but turn to give her one last look before I do today’s bullshit.

“Hey Whisk, I love your feathers,” I comment, before leaving the bar. I have a stupid grin as I know what that might do.

Whisk watches the doorway I just left through, wide eyed. Her face now resembles a tomato, and her embarrassment levels are over nine thousand. One of the patrons, a hippogriff, walks up. “See, I told you he’d like it!”

“... He loved my feathers,” she says, not really paying attention to anything else. The hippogriff rolls his eyes, but smiles. Whisk turns to look at everyone in her bar. There were bounty hunters, workers, regulars, alcoholics, and many more. But in Whisk’s eyes, she sees the many patrons who have stuck by her side through various problems in her life. She sees friends. Being in a good mood, Whisk smiles wide. “Thank you all for helping me with the troublemakers in the last couple years. I’m so glad that most of you are actually nice,” she says. Everyone who knew Whisk raised their mugs in unison, giving a cheer. “You know what? Buck it! Everyone gets a round, it’s on the house!” Everyone cheers. Whisk turns to a specific Minotaur in the back. “Except Wonder, you still owe me a couple thousand bits. I’m not letting the window incident go.”

“Aww,” He says. A cheerful pony voices his opinion.

“Well, if you ever need advice again, ask around your own bar. We all want ya to be happy after putting up with most of us,” he says with a chuckle.

Meanwhile, I am restraining myself from snapping the unicorn’s neck. “... and then, he got knocked out by the clams! Freaking clams!” He finishes, laughing.

“I reeeaaally couldn’t give a shit,” I mutter under my breathe. The more this guy talks, the more I wish to harm him. As Segway talks Smooth’s ears off in return. Spearhead looks over at me for the tenth time now, a sly smirk on his muzzle. I lean over. “What?” I ask in annoyance.

“... Do you know how Whisk feels about you?” He asks coyly.

“She loves me,” I say. He does a double take and looks at me in shock.

“Wait, you know?”

“Oh yeah,” I say nonchalantly. Spearhead narrows his eyes.

“How long?”

“I figured it out about half a year ago, sometime around February. At first, I thought she was weird. Then, it suddenly clicked. As soon as I thought about it, everything made sense.”

“... Does she know you know?”

“Nope.”

“... Isn’t that kind of-“

“Mean? Yes, but she needs to do one of two things. Either confess, or find someone else. I’m not sure if you notice, but I’m a fucking terrible person. I doubt she’ll confess, but she can do better than me,” I explain. Spearhead gives me an unamused look.

“How do you know?” He asks.

“Because, I’m guessing she’s hot in a griffon’s eyes. Then, considering the fact that not many other creatures like me, I would assume-“

“Anon, how many times were you hit on?” Spearhead deadpans.

“That’s different. If they could successfully flirt on me, they would manipulate me into doing things I didn’t want to do,” I respond.

“Whiskey seems to manipulate you just fine. Heck, she doesn’t even flirt on you to manipulate you,” Spearhead comments with a chuckle. I narrow my eyes at him.

“No, she doesn’t.”

“Anon, she made you buy dinner for her, she made you clean her apartment, and she drags you to the movies with her. That was only during September,” he says. I open my mouth to retort, but I close it as I realize I cannot deny that.

“... Alright, so she does it accidentally. That’s better than the creatures who do it on purpose at the Checkpoint. Anyway, another reason she shouldn’t like me, is because I would half ass her gifts,” I say. Spearhead rolls his eyes.

“Hey Anon, how much did that music player cost?” I groan.

“That was a birthday gift, completely different.”

“Uh huh. So, why else should she not like you?”

“I don’t really have a good heart,” I say.

“I doubt that, since you took care of her niece and all.”

“I’m seven years older than her.”

“Wait, she’s twenty three?” He asks. I nod. “... Have you told her your age?”

“Yep. Thirty. When she learned, she apparently still remembered that I said I was twenty nine. She pieced together that my birthday passed by without anyone knowing,” I explain. Spearhead nods.

“So, despite your age, she still likes you?” Spearhead asks. I sigh.

“... I’ve got anger issues?” I offer weakly. Crappy parenting tends to do that after all.

“Everyone has issues, no one’s perfect Anon,” Spearhead says. I shrug.

“Well, there’s still someone better than me.”

“Maybe, but what if she likes you for, oh I dunno, you?”

“... What should I do then?” Segway looks back at us to give me his two cents.

“Let the ship sail,” he says, before turning his attention back to our boss. I roll my eyes.

“Well, Sergui’s right for once,” Spearhead says.

“Wait what?” Segway asks.

“Nope, she’ll hate me,” I respond.

“How do you know she’ll hate you?”

“Tried dating before. Girlfriend took half my shit because I was an asshole. Thus, I got the message that I probably shouldn’t go looking for love,” I say.

“How long ago was it?”

“About ten or eleven years ago. Couple months before I was teleported.”

“So? Maybe you’re better now! Maybe you’re a decent guy!” Spearhead says. I scoff.

“What was that rabble about being my friend?” I ask jokingly. We all share a quick laugh as we come to a hotel.

“While I don’t mean to be rude, I do want to hurry this along, so please contain yourselves until we find my house.” I roll my eyes.

“Sure Mr Teacup,” I sarcastically say.

“What did you say?” Smooth asks, turning to me.

“I said sure Mr Tea-Biscuit,” I explain.

“You know what? I am sick of your attitude! Do you know who I am?!”

“Jeff Vader,” I say. Smooth facehoofs.

“... Now, who in Tartarus is Jeff Vader?” He asks.

“Runs the Death Star. He can kill everyone with a single thought, or a plastic tray if he so wishes.” Spearhead is trying not to laugh at my admittedly stupid wording. Segway’s just staring at me in bemusement. Smooth has a ‘what the fuck?’ face.

“I... I don’t even... you know what? Fine. Have it your way. I expect you to be ready for work at six in the morning, sharp,” he says, tilting his head up to emphasize the last bit. I roll my eyes.

“Sure,” I reply.

“Good. I expect you to hold the reputation the Manehatten Checkpoint holds.”

“... What reputation?” I genuinely ask. He groans.

“You know what? It’s been a long day, and I require rest. You better get to work on time human, or I’ll fire you on the spot,” he threatens. I give him a slight glare, but I sigh in resignation.

“Sure. Since you obviously don’t need me anymore, I’ll get going. Segway, please make sure that he knows how to get around.” With that, I quickly walk away, ready to just go home.

Much, much later, about midnight, I’m sleeping in my bed. I grunt as I wake up, slowly opening my eyes. A scroll rests next to my head. I pick it up, and quirk an eyebrow as I read it.

Dear Anon,

I, Princess Celestia (and Luna) hereby invite you to the Grand Galloping Gala! Please accept-

I groan loudly, rolling it up and tossing it in my nightstand’s general direction. I roll over, and try to go back to sleep. The Grand Galloping Gala is crappy. I had to be the bouncer in the last one. The Gala is always held in either September or August. It’s normally full of rich snobs, various big time company owners, and various diplomats. The changeling diplomats hit on me, the hippogriff diplomat kept wanting to talk to me, and the crystal empire diplomats patronized me because I got their princess in trouble. I silently thanked myself that I am able to deny invitations. I hear a pop before a scroll bounces off my head.

I get up and pick up the scroll in annoyance.

Dear Anon,

Princess Luna specifically requires you to participate in the next Galloping Gala. She also requests that you bring one Whisk ‘May’ Bacon. If you refuse this invitation, Princess Luna is allowed physical human-handling, and will drag you to the Gala as you kick and scream for mercy.

From,
Princess Luna

I narrow my eyes at the scroll with an inner, fiery rage.

“Fuck you Luna,” I say. Pop. A scroll lands beside me.

Buck you too :D

I sigh and picked up all the scrolls. I place them on the nightstand and went back to bed.

I stretch as I walk to work, tired and ready to go home already. The Checkpoint seems to be rather grey today. Like, really grey. I guess Lucky Runner was a staple to this Checkpoint.

I walk into my office, and see Smooth Course. He doesn’t notice as he looks over the desk that I’ve had for at least a year now. “Honestly, I’m surprised that brute organizes anything,” he mutters. I cough and he jumps. He looks at me and sighs.

“Yeah, ‘the brute’ is very capable of actually doing his job,” I say.

“I apologize, I didn’t hear you come in,” Smooth says. I roll my eyes.

“Whatever, make sure you take your head out of your ass long enough to look around. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get ready for today,” I say, sitting in my swivel seat. Smooth glares at me before leaving. I turn to look at the clock. Half an hour early. I look over my desk to see if Smooth messed with anything. Wait. Where’s my crossbow? I opened various drawers as I search for my only defense against anyone who threatens the Checkpoint. Where the fuck is my- I stop as I turn to glare at where Smooth left. I stomp out of the office, and slam my door shut before I start marching to the office building. I stomp past a depressed-looking Shoeside and slammed the manager door open. Smooth, having apparently just settled into his chair, jumps as the door bangs. “Where the hell is my crossbow?!” I yell. He recomposes himself.

“Now, Mr Anon, I believe you are over reacting-“ I slam my fist onto his desk, making him shut up.

“No! Fuck you! I wanna know where the fuck my fucking crossbow is!” I seethe. He rolls his eyes.

“Why would you need a crossbow anyway?” He asks.

“Hey, remember the fucking hostage situation I was in?” I ask impatiently. He scoffs.

“You could have let someone else do the work,” he points out.

“Yeah, when I tried that, a guard became a hostage. Besides, I’m sure as shit not going to trust my life with a pony,” I say. He growls.

“Fine. Take your stupid crossbow! We’ll see how useful it really is!” He yells. With a pop, the crossbow appears on his desk. I grab it angrily and march back to my office. What a fucking idiot.

It’s the middle of the day, and I’m getting real fuckin’ tired of everyone’s shit. I just denied someone with an expired passport, who then tried to offer a couple measly bits to pass. “Next!” I yell into the mic. I stop and take a few breathes in and out to calm myself. Ever since that dipshit of a boss touched my crossbow, I’ve been majorly pissed. I’ve tried to be patient-er with entrants today, but what that asshat did was bull-fucking-shit. The next entrant to come in is a familiar brown and grey pony. Daring Diddly Darn Fuckin’ Do. She’s dressed in her usual knock-off Indiana Jones outfit. I twitch a little as I see her. I know her, but I don’t particularly like her. She goes wide eyed as she sees me.

“Anon? Why’re you here?” She asks with confusion.

“Well, I insulted the princess a year ago, and got a job because of it. Papers please,” I say. Her confusion only grows, but she hands me her papers.

“... Are you okay?” She asks with concern.

“Nope, fucking dying on the inside with a crippling depression I’ve accepted having for about ten years now. How about you?” I ask absentmindedly. She sighs.

“Look, I know we didn’t see eye to eye when we last met-“

“You left me as a snack to a pack of wolves,” I say. She sighs.

“I thought someone would rescue you,” she says.

“I knew you were lying when you said you’d come back for me,” I mutter. “Do you know how long I was on that ledge for?”

“A couple hours?” She tries.

“Ha. Nope. An entire day. I was being snarled at, growled at, and terrified for an entire fucking day,” I say. I see Daring’s ears droop.

“An entire day!?” She asks with horror. “I told the ponies where you were though!” I roll my eyes.

“Did you tell the purple bitch?” I ask.

“... Twilight?” She asks. I nod.

“Yeah, Bitchface,” I confirm. She sighs.

“Yes, I told her. Why did she take all day?” She asks. I give her a deadpan stare.

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s because you forgot to tell the scientist slash historian about the fact that I was in mortal danger.”

“I didn’t forget to-“

“Bitchface quoted you. You said, ‘Hey, you might want to check out the temple ruins I found in the Everfree. Anon’s waiting for you to help him with something.’ I’m not sure if you know this, but before she ran me out of town, she was a fucking book worm. She fucking loved seeing old shit. She took her damn sweet time to collect samples and such before finding me beating a Timberwolf with a twig!” I yell. Daring’s eyes are wide, ears are drooped, and she had backed up quite a bit. I breathe in, and out, trying to calm down. “...” I look back down at her papers. They’re sadly correct. I stamp green and hold out her passport. “Get the fuck out of my Checkpoint.”

She grabs her papers, and hurries out the door. I place my face in my hands as I try to just calm down. I sigh, and lean towards the mic. “Next!” I say.

I look up to see the next entrant walking in, and I quirk an eyebrow. She’s glaring at me as she walks up, and flashes in a green light before revealing Chrysalis. She’s pissed. “I have never been so troubled by such a useless parchment,” she says. I scoff.

“Papers please,” I say. I take her papers and look over them.

“The Minotaur country was rather friendly towards me. I was fearing what would happen when I showed my true form, but thankfully, they were ignorant enough to allow me to take my picture.” I freeze as I see her gender.

“... Chrysalis, what gender are you?” I ask, pinching the bridge of my nose.

“Both,” she replies.

“... Okay, if you’re both, why did you put down neither?” I ask.

“Because, both was not an option,” she says like I’m stupid. I face palm.

“You know what? Fuck it. Good enough,” I say, stamping green. I’m so tired of today’s bullshit. I hand her papers back, and she looks at me in surprise.

“You’re actually letting me go through?” She asks. I shrug.

“You had a... good enough passport, so yeah, you can go through. Just don’t make me have to shoot your ass,” I say. She shivers as she realizes I’m not joking. She walks out hurriedly. After a couple minutes, I see Spearhead walk in, confused as all hell. He walks up to me, and looks at me for an explanation. I notice he has bags under his eyes.

“Did- did I just see one of Equestria’s villains walk through here?” He asks. I shrug.

“She followed the laws around me, and she messed with Twilight. She’s cool in my book,” I say. He just face hoofs.

“... You know what? I’m just too tired. I’ll let it slide,” he says tiredly. He walks back out.

It’s the end of the day. I’m walking home, tired, exhausted, and other fancy words for ‘I’m tired as shit’. I pass by many buildings, not really paying attention to my surroundings. I see my house, and stop when I notice something. Whisk’s at my front door, banging it,

“Please! I need your help! I- I don’t know what to-“

“Whisk?” I call. She stops and looks over at me with tears and bloodshot eyes. Dafuq? “What happened?” I asked as she rushes to me.

“They closed it! They bucking closed it! Those sons of bitches closed my bar!” She screams, hugging my tightly. She proceeds to cry as I have confusion painted on my face. I shake my head and pick her up. She doesn’t fight back, and allows me to carry her as I practically kick my own door open. Dammit, I kicked too hard, it’s off its hinges. Well, no matter, crying birdie first. I try seeking her on the couch, but she refuses to let go as she bawls her eyes out. I feel a pang of sympathy and sit down, with her crying into my coat. Welp, I guess I’m not sleeping tonight.

Author's Note

On a scale of dingus to i’m-a-fucking-idiot, I’d give myself an EA award.

I cannot wait for the Anon’s answering of scrolls.

For those who don’t Know, I’m making a special for PPA. In this special, there’s gonna be a Q and A for Anon. I already have more than 10 questions, which will most definitely be answered. Leave a question in the comment section, or PM me if you’d like your question in the special! I will stop taking questions on the 16th of November.

Chapter 11: Diddly Do Dah Day Mother Fucker

I hold a crying Whisk in my arms, thinking about what she said. Someone closed her bar? Who? Suddenly, my thoughts went back to that couple from yesterday. I had some very dark thoughts. You know, being a passport inspector, I meet a variety of people. Some good people, some bad people, and some not-so-nice people. “... Hey Whisk,” I start. She pauses.

“Yeah?” She asks, sniffling.

“I know a mafia boss, want me to sic him on them?” I genuinely ask. Whisk looks at me with astonishment. See, when you detain a big bad boss, you just make another mob happy. Apparently, the police weren’t the only ones who wanted some dickhead thrown in jail.

“What do you mean you know a- Wait you would- Hold on,” she keeps cutting herself off, not sure what to ask first. “... How do you know a mafia?” She asks rather calmly.

“Well, I accidentally placed them into power. Their boss was being threatened by this other dude, and I detained that other dude because he tried to bribe me. So, yeah, I kinda became their best friend on accident,” I say. Whisk takes a deep breath in. Then, she lets it out.

“Okay, Anon, please don’t call the mafia on them,” she says. I sigh.

“Alright, I guess I won’t,” I concede. Whisk giggles.

“I am happy that you’d do that though, I guess,” she says. I smirk.

“Eh, when someone messes with any of my friends, I’ll try to help,” I say. I see her smile lessen a bit, but she’s calmer nonetheless. I rub her head. She leans into my hand a little, her smile returning. “Do you feel better?” I ask. She nods. “Good, can you get off, your cat claws are starting to hurt,” I casually request. She quirks an eyebrow before looking at her back lion paws. Yep. Claws out. She retracts her claws and gets off me with a nervous smile as she sits to my left.

“Sorry,” she says. I shrug.

“It’s okay. I’ve felt worse,” I say. She tilts her head.

“How?” She asks.

“Bag of gold kept hitting my nads,” I explain. Whisk grimaces.

“That sounds painful,” she says. I nod.

“When a man’s balls are hit, you gotta sit down. If you don’t, you’re in for a world of absolute pain, and then you’ll fall over,” I say. Whisk giggles at my description. She looks at me with a smile, but frowns as she remembers why she was upset in the first place.

“I’m sorry about... the outburst, but you cannot imagine how pissed I am,” she says tiredly. It seems my lingo is rubbing off on her. I sigh.

“Explain to me what happened,” I say. Whisk sighs and looks up in thought.

“Well, after you left, I gave everyone a free round for sticking with me through the past couple of years. Then, one of them had to go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. It was a pony,” she starts. Her expression morphs into anger. “Apparently, word spread around, and when those Celestia damn assholes came in, they pressed charges for that pony!” She yells. I quirk an eyebrow.

“For the pony?” I press. Whisk nods.

“The pony apparently knocked himself into a coma. So, they decided to press charges for him,” she explains. I am so fucking confused.

“Wait, so, without verbal or written permission, they charged you, for him?” I ask, trying to wrap my head around it. Whisk nods. “... Are they his parents?” I ask. Whisk shakes her head.

“Not even relatives,” she says. I slowly face palm.

“... You know, I’m really not sure if that’s legal,” I point out.

“It isn’t,” Whisk confirms. Dafuq?

“So... how did they close your bar?” I ask.

“They lied and said they were relatives,” she explains. Welp. That makes sense.

“Alright, so you’re telling me they can close down your bar without a trial?” I ask. Whisk shakes her head.

“No, they closed it temporarily. They’re hoping to close it permanently,” Whisk says with a scowl. I sigh.

“Well, that’s bullshit,” I say. Whisk nods, looking pissed. “So, when is the trial?” I ask. She sighs.

“In a week and a half,” she says. “My rent’s due in two days. I barely have enough to pay it! I-I can’t-“ Whisk goes on, rising in volume as she gets more and more panicked. As her panicking starts to turn into something that sounds like absolute gibberish that I can’t follow, I grab her talons, and that makes her stop.

“Calm down, it’ll be okay-“ Whisk shrugs off my grip, and grabs my shoulders, shaking me.

“No it won’t!” Whisk yells. I grab her forelegs/arms, and keep her still. I look her in the eyes. She stares back, surprised by my man/griffon-handling.

“Yes it will,” I confidently say. She stares back at me, with tears in her eyes, in silence. I silently keep my stare on her. I see realization in her eyes before she slowly closes them, and leans her head forward towards me. I know exactly what she wants. Thing is, she hasn’t told me she loves me. Sooooo...

I completely avoid her face and leaned in to hug her.

Truth be told, I kinda wanted to lean in for the kiss as well, but I’m not really sure if I want this. I mean, the last girlfriend I had took some of my shit and threw it into the ocean. Granted, it was, in fact, partially justified, but I still don’t think it was fair since I only insulted one of her bitchy friends.

Whisk gives a short squawk at first, but relaxes as she realizes I’m hugging her. “Dammit,” she mutters under her breathe. I stop myself from laughing before I lean back, releasing her from my hug. “It’ll be fine Whisk. I promise,” I say. She looks at me with a trace of doubt, but nods.

“Alright. I’ll hold you to that promise,” she warns. I shrug.

“Fine.” Whisk looks at my eyes for a moment before smiling.

“Thank you,” she says. She looks up in thought. “Now, the question is, what will I do until the trial?”

“Get a lawyer?” I offer. She deadpans at me.

“Really? Gee, I was thinking of cracking open the booze for a celebration for New Years with empty pockets,” she says sarcastically. I smirk.

“But it’s November,” I point out like a smart ass. Whisk face palms.

“I meant to earn money!” She says exasperatedly. I shrug again.

“I got shit tons of money. If you want, I can pay your rent for you,” I offer. She sighs.

“No, I don’t want to accept charity,” she says, crossing her forelegs. I roll my eyes.

“I literally have enough money to go buy Ponyville, and at least some parts of Manehatten. I’m paid way too fucking much,” I point out. Whisk gives me a stern look.

“It is your money. I am not going to take your money just because-“

“You’ll have nowhere to live and you always eat take out despite being a really good cook?” I finish with a quirked eyebrow. Whisk narrows her eyes at me.

“...” She blushes a little before looking away. “Yes. That.”

“Look, I’m perfectly capable of paying for your rent. It’s not like I’ll do much else with my money,” I say. She sighs, and slumps. “... Why are you so stubborn about taking my money?” I ask.

“It’s just... I realize griffons are a little greedy by nature, and I’m a little self-conscious about that. I’m especially conscious about it around... you,” Whisk explains, blushing a little more.

“... Okay, do you remember where I come from?” I ask. She looks at me with an inquisitive look.

“Another world right?” She asks. I nod.

“Yes, but more specifically, I come from a country called America,” I explain. “My country was said to be ‘founded by thieves’. It’s kind of literal.”

“Wha- Really?” Whisk asks. I nod.

“America was an ‘experimental country’, if you will. You could start out poor, but you could become a billionaire with an absolute shit ton of hard work. The downside, is that practically everyone can screw you over for money if they play their cards right. It has a mostly–capitalist mindset,” I say. Whisk looks at me with confusion.

“So, why are you telling me this?” She asks. I shrug.

“I dunno. I thought that it would make you a bit more comfortable or some shit,” I kinda lie. I can see Whisk’s bullshit meter is going off as she looks at me with suspicion.

“Uh huh,” she says.

“Fine. I thought that if I told you my people were greedy bastards, you would feel fine about me giving you money,” I explain. Whisk looks at me with the most confused expression.

“... That... actually... makes... sense...” she says slowly, sounding like she cannot believe my bullshit actually makes sense for once. “Well... in any case, I’m still not taking your money anyway. It’s not right,” she stubbornly says. I just give her an unamused stare. I sigh internally, I’m gonna have to deal with her like I deal with Applejack.

“Fine, I can’t force you to take money,” I concede. Whisk grows a smug look of victory, as if she knows she’s always right. “Now, how are you going to earn that amount of money?” I ask seriously. She frowns and hums in thought.

“... I could pawn off some stuff from my apartment?” She offers. I groan.

“Oh God no, barely anything in your apartment is economically worth much to begin with. Second of all, the pawn shops here are really fucking silly,” I say. Whisk quirks an eyebrow.

“How would you know?” She asks. I smirk.

“I go there every once in a while to buy goofy shit,” I admit. Whisk face palms.

“Okay, define ‘goofy’.”

“Let’s see, I’ve bought a watermelon catapult, a glorified vacuum cleaner, an evil book thing, a weird ass snow-globe, and some skelly keys,” I list off. Whisk looks at me with confusion.

“... Anon, none of these items sound... what’s the word?” She asks.

“... Reasonable to have?” I offer. Whisk nods.

“I don’t even know what a skelly is,” she says, shaking her head.

“Short for skeleton.”

“Wait, you have a skeleton key?”

“Yep.”

“H-how... Where did you even find it?” Whisk asks. I shrug.

“Saw it in a pawnshop and thought, ‘fuck it,’” I explain. Whisk stares at me before sighing.

“Same thing with the evil book?” She asks. I nod.

We talked some more before deciding to search for a job for her together tomorrow. In the meantime, Whisk is going to try to persuade her landlord to hold off for now. Once we went over the plan to search around for jobs, we said our goodbyes for the night. I sigh as I close my door. Only to hear knocking. I open the door again to see a blushing Whisk. “... Need me to walk you home again?” I ask. She nods silently. While I don’t always walk her home, she tends to ask me if I could every other week ever since the first time I did. I think she likes it. I internally sigh. As tired as I am, I can’t really say no for some reason. “Fine,” I say. She smiles widely, pumping a fist in victory. I have to smile at the action as I lock up my door.

We walk through the city of Manehatten, seeing many strangers, clubs, and stores. To pass the time as we walk, we converse about whatever the fuck we want. “... And the blue print said, ‘Your machine sucks ass, are you okay with this?’” Whisk giggles.

“That sounds like a funny game!” She responds.

“It is. It was made by the same dude who made a game called Undertale. Pretty neat game,” I say. As we conversed, two familiar ponies walk up from behind.

“Hiya Anon!” A southern voice calls.

“Do we have to say hi? He’s still a jerk,” a raspy voice mutters. I roll my eyes and turn around to see one smiling Applejack, and one bored horse-shaped pack of skittles. Whisk turns to look at the two ponies, and face claws.

“Oh great, more ponies,” she mutters. Oh right. I forgot. I never introduced her to my pony friends. Applejack quirks an eyebrow at her, while Rainbow Dash quickly got angry.

“What? You got something against ponies?” Rainbow presses. I know Whisk. When someone challenges or corners her, she gets pissed. I look over at Whisk to see her feathers starting to ruffle.

“Oh good lord, calm the fuck down everyone,” I groan. Whisk looks at me with a slight amount of shock. “Whisk, this is my friend Applejack,” I say, gesturing to my orange companion. “She’s nice.” Applejack smiles with uncertainty. I turn my attention to Rainbow. “This is my dipshit-acquaintance, Skittles,” I finish. Rainbow rolls her eyes. “She’s the angry one,” I add. Whisk looks at Applejack. She turns back to me.

“You know them?” She asks. I nod. She looks at the now confused ponies. She stares at them intensely before looking back to me. “Are they alright?” She asks. I give a ‘so-so’ gesture.

“Eh,” I respond. I point to Rainbow. “I wasn’t kidding when I said she’s the angry one,” I comment. Whisk looks back at the ponies who are still looking at us in confusion.

“...” At Whisk’s silence, I lean over.

“They’re good ponies,” I sincerely say. She looks at them one last time before offering a claw.

“Sorry about my comment,” she sincerely says. She smiles sheepishly. “My name’s Whiskey.” I see Rainbow’s ears perk up a little at the sound of her name. Applejack smiles.

“Well don’t fret at all sugarcube, I’m just glad Anon finally got a marefriend,” she says. I see Whisk freeze up at the mention of marefriend. Rainbow also notices this reaction and snickers. Applejack is back to confusion.

“AJ, we’re not a couple,” I point out. Applejack looks between us with surprise. Whisk is still frozen, mid-handshake, but has a growing blush on her face.

“Really? I could have sworn she was the one dragging’ you to a movie or something,” she says.

“Oh, she is,” I confirm. Applejack quirks a brow.

“... So, do ponies just drag you around, where you’re from?” She asks. Rainbow’s trying not to laugh at the tomato-faced Whisk, who’s still frozen. This is the worst case of ‘deer in headlights’ I’ve ever seen.

“Eh. Kinda yes, kinda no. Just depends on the culture,” I reply. I lean towards Whisk and pat her head, snapping her out of her trance. She looks at me with wide eyes, and a red face. “Hey, we’re about to move, you okay?” I ask. She just nods, apparently unable to speak. This is anime as fuck. Applejack and I talk to each other as Whisk guides us to her apartment. Rainbow keeps snickering when she looks at me and Whisk.

Then, suddenly...

“Anon and Whisk-ey~” Rainbow chants. I roll my eyes. “Sittin’ in a tree!” Rainbow flies up, waving her hooves in the rythem of the chant. “K-I-S, I-N-G!” She finishes. While Whisk is pissed off, blushing, and glaring at Rainbow, I shake my head.

“Dipshit, you sound like a five year old. Not only was that childish, but you misspelled ‘kissing’,” comment dryly. Applejack and Whisk burst into laughter at this revelation. Rainbow stammers and blushes in embarrassment.

“W-well, I-I, um...” Rainbow settles down behind us, walking behind the group as she searches for a comeback. I roll my eyes, and slightly smirk. You know? I wonder if Whisk will kiss me. Wait, how would that work? The image of a beak pecking my face with kisses makes me cringe a little. Aren’t beaks like bones or something? Then again, Whisk is able to form smiles and frowns with her beak, so maybe bullshit-physics comes into play?

We all talked as we went along, until we had to part ways. The ponies wave us off as they go searching for a hotel to stay in. Whisk hugs me as thanks before going into her apartment building. I sigh as she disappears from my sight, and turn around to walk back. Only to find a couple of ponies glaring at me. It’s the couple who were kicked out from the bar. “So, you’re the hoomahn she cares about so damn much,” the female pony says. The male pony snickers.

“... Oh, I remember you two,” I say. They both keep their stare. “You’re dipshit one and two,” I continue, as if hitting a revelation. They frown.

“You better watch your tone, or there’ll be trouble,“ The female says.

“Oh really?” I ask. The guy starts trotting up to me.

“Yeah! Big trouble,” he says with the stupidest voice I’ve ever heard. It’s the kind of voice that lets you know whoever’s talking is an idiot.

“Shut it Reggie!” She barks. She yanks the poor guy back by his tail. I simply put my hands into my pockets. “Remember what I said? Don’t talk unless I tell ya to!” She orders. I start thinking about the situation I’m in. I could annoy the hell out of them right now, or better yet, I could put in a couple of death threats. Of course, I would be bluffing if I threatened them. No, that wouldn’t do, these two are noble-like right? So, if they say something against me, rich people would get other rich people to back them up. I only have two friends in high places, and they probably don’t have time for my bullshit. A metaphorical lightbulb appears as I have an idea. The female pony seems to act all entitled. The guy seems to be stupid... Fuck it. I’ll just say one thing before walking away. If they’re as snobby as they’ve been acting, one insult of mine will light a fuse...

“... You sound like a bitch,” I casually say as I start walking by nonchalantly. The mare gasps and looks at her husband. Who is staring off into space apparently.

“... Well aren’t you gonna do something!?” The mare yells at her companion. The husband snaps out of his trance and looks at her in confusion.

“Wha- but-“

“I am a mare! You are my husband! You’re supposed to beat up whoever calls me-“ It’s at this point, I stop giving a fuck about their problems as I just calmly walk away as they bicker. I walk down the sidewalk, hearing the yells of the couple fade as I walk farther and farther away.

I returned home, and had just sat down on the couch when I hear knocking on my door. I groan. “Who is it!?” I yell from my couch.

“Anon! You won’t believe what happened!” I hear Whisk yell from outside. She sounds rather excited. I sigh and get up to answer the door. Once I open the door, the familiar, female griffon launches into my chest with open arms. I fall back from the sudden impact of fluff, and look up at the sparkling eyes of a happy griffon.

“What?” I deadpan.

“You know the ponies who sued me?” She asks quietly. I lean in.

“Yeah?” I say.

“They were arguing loudly right outside of my apartment building, and when my landlord came out, one of the ponies punched him,” she says. My eyebrows raise. Shit. That worked out better than I thought. Suddenly, a flash of yellow light appears to our left.

“... Is this a bad time?” I hear Celestia ask coyly. Whisk looks up and practically turns into a ghost. She jumps off of me and quickly bows.

“Hey Sunny Ass D,” I greet, getting up. I turn to see Celestia face hoof, and sigh.

“Anon, I am a princess. Could you, at the very least, show a little respect?” Celestia asks. I shrug.

“I kinda figure you’d like it,” I say. Celestia chuckles.

“I don’t like being formal, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean you should casually insult me,” Celestia says sternly. Celestia looks at Whisk to see her keeping her bowing stance, which makes Celestia sigh quietly. “Rise my little griffon.” Whisk does so, though uncertainly. “I do apologize for intruding though, but I have heard the news of something urgent. I believe it has something to do with a certain griffon?” Celestia asks, nudging Whisk. She looks at Celestia in confusion. I roll my eyes.

“Whisk, you made best buds with the lunar princess, and if the moonbutt’s happy, so is the Sunbutt,” I explain. Whisk gives me a glare every time I use a childish nickname.

“Yes Anon, that is quite right. Ever since Luna started going out on Sundays with Anon, she’s been having better days,” Celestia explains. “It amazed me that she became even more social in under a year, and when I learned that it was because of you, Anon-“

“Nope, not me.” Celestia stops and looks at me inquisitively. “Whisk’s the one who’s been introducing Luna to ponies and other creatures,” I explain. Whisk rubs the back of her neck awkwardly, blushing.

“Oh, keep going,” she says, smiling. Celestia giggles before turning the serious-mode back on.

“I heard that certain ponies have closed your bar,” she says. It’s my turn for confusion.

“Okay, hold up, where the fuck did you hear that?” I ask. “I haven’t written a letter to you, and I certainly haven’t told Luna.”

“When one thinks their family’s accomplishments are big news, they brag,” Celestia explains. “And apparently, one of the noble-ponies in Canterlot had their family members plan out a ‘legality-type takedown’, as he puts it,” she continues. “Thus, I decided to investigate.” She turns to Whisk. “I can reopen your bar, and I’ll see to it that the noble’s shameful actions are brought to light. However, first I would need a recent negative action they have taken to be able to have any ground,” Celestia says. I raise my hand.

“Does it count if they punched someone?” I ask. Celestia nods, though with a quirked eyebrow.

“One of the ponies punched my landlord,” Whisk says. Celestia looks at us with wide eyes before glaring at me.

“Did you have something to do with it?” She asks with suspicion.

“I called one of them a bitch,” I deadpan. Celestia takes a deep breath in, and a deep breath out.

“Anon, I’m just... I’m not even sure if I’m surprised that you somehow made them punch someone just by using your words,” Celestia says, face hoofing.

Author's Note

Kay, So, I know this chapter is a bit of a clusterfuck, and I’m sorry. The special should be uploaded by the time you all read this, so enjoy!

Fuckin’ Fan Mail

I snore as I nap on the couch, peacefully. I dream of being on a beach, with some nice cold soda, lounging on a beach chair under an umbrella. Nothing in sight other than sand and water. That is, until I hear some knocking on the door. I wake up with a jolt, and glare at the door. “God fuckin’- who is it!?” I yell from the couch.

“It’s Whisk!” I hear. “Anon! You have some mail!” I groan again, loudly as I get up and walk towards the door.

“Why did you go through my mail box?” I ask as I open the crappy door. My eyes widen as I see Whisk holding a lot of letters with both her wings.

“It was full and then some,” she answers. She walks in and dumps the various scrolls onto the couch. I stare in amusement at the letters. Who the fuck would write me so many letters? “... They look like fan mail,” Whisk says as she inspects one of the rolled pieces of paper. She hands it to me, and I unroll the parchment. I read silently. How many times have you been put in mortal danger by ponies? Whisk, looking over my shoulder, quirks an eyebrow. “That’s a good question...” She says. I sigh.

“... I ain’t doing this shit,” I say, tossing the scroll away. Whisk glares at me.

“Anon, these... creatures took the time to write to you. The least you can do is write some sort of response,” she nags. I roll my eyes. Suddenly, someone knocks on my door. I sigh and walk back to the door to open it. I am only slightly surprised it’s Segway.

“Why am I here?” He asks impatiently, glaring at Whisk. I quirk an eyebrow towards her.

“Because Anon needs someone to record his responses,” she says from the couch.

“Can I get a say in this?” I ask.

“No,” Whisk responds simply. I turn to her and give a small glare, but I sigh in defeat as Segway walks in.

“Welp, I got nothing better to do,” he admits as he sits on the couch too. He whips out a pen and a stack of papers.

“... Where the fuck did that shit come from?” I ask. Segway looks at me in confusion.

“... I dunno,” he admits. I stare at him for a moment before deciding to brush it off as a weird thing that just happens.

“Alright then, the first letter...” I put a hand to my chin as I think back to the past year. “ If I don’t count the Checkpoint, I’d say about fifteen times or more.” I get a different scroll, and it says, ‘Where the fuck did you get that crossbow? If you want I’ll send you a second one from my weapons locker or possibly a shotgun from Motha Russia’. It’s my turn to quirk a brow. “Dafuq? How does... never mind, pony land is too damn confusing to even ask. I actually got the crossbow from Celestia. She said it was supposed to be there to begin with, but Lucky might’ve accidentally overlooked it,” I answer aloud. Segway writes quickly. I pick up the next scroll. ‘What do you miss most about Earth?’ “Hm... the one thing I miss is the band Gorillaz, their music is so much better than this world’s,” I say. Segway huffs.

“Or maybe, you’re too much of an ass to like it,” He comments. I give him a raised eyebrow because of the sass. He stands his ground. I scoff.

“That’s probably it,” I admit. I toss the scroll aside and grabbed the next. ‘My father went out for a pack of cigarettes, and he hasn't come back in 7 years. Should I go look for him?’ I roll my eyes. “This kid needs to look in the alcohol aisle, it’s where I find my dad.” I brush off everyone’s confused and worried stares as I grab the next scroll. ‘What is the most insane day at the checkpoint you've ever experienced?(Besides being taken hostage by a foal with delusions of world domination)’. I sigh as I reminisce the day.

March 28, 20XX

I groan as I rub my face. Today just couldn’t be worse. First a Minotaur decked me again, Trixie showed up and talked, and the Minotaur king dropped by. Without a goddamn fucking passport. I take a deep breathe in, and exhale.

Suddenly, the fabric of reality rips itself open for a brown coated stallion to jump through. His mane is a darker brown. He spins to the space-time anomaly and points a familiar device at it. A sonic screwdriver. My jaw drops. There is no fucking way Doctor Who is in my office. He looks at me and beams.

“Oh good! An annoying bugger!” He exclaims. I go back to my sour mood almost instantly.

“Oh great, a living knock knock joke,” I respond.

“Excellent! I need your sass!” He replies, never looking away from the tear in reality. I quirk a brow.

“Dafuq? Why would you-“ Suddenly, a marshmallowy creature, the size of a pony, and has arms and legs, steps through.

“The time is neigh Doctor!” It yells. The Doctor looks like he’s trying not to say ‘aw’.

“That is the freakiest fucking thing I have ever seen,” I comment. The creature gasps, and starts screaming in pain before melting into a puddle. I look at the puddle in a somewhat-surprised state. I mean, this is Doctor Who’s little adventure, who knows what the fuck he’s fighting? The doctor takes out a tape recorder, and points it to me.

“Say the worst phrase you can muster,” he demands.

“Alright. You can’t save a single partner to save your life, both literally and metaphorically,” I reply.

“No, not to me, to a race of cuteness,” he explains, looking annoyed.

“Alright, you’re all stupid little shits, so shut the fuck up you bastards,” I say. Doctor Who smiles and leaps into the tear of reality. Just like that, the tear disappears, and the day goes back to normal. “... Yeah, I don’t think I’ll talk about this, ever,” I say to myself. I lean towards the mic, “Next!”

Present

“Well, doctor Who showed up, told me I was an ass, made me be me, and left,” I answer. I grab the next scroll. ‘So, out of curiosity, did Twilight ever cast a weird spell on you?’ “... Must be someone I know. Yeah, Twilight did some weird shit. She changed my gender, turned me into a horse, and sent me to Tartarus. Thankfully, all of them were reversed one way or another.” Whisk and Segway cringe at my mention of pony hell prison. I pick up the next scroll. ‘Are you going to kiss the bartender bird lady?! and how does one kiss bird people?’

“Stalker alert,” I mutter. I look at Segway. “Hey, I’m probably gonna need some guards to look for a stalker today, that good with you?” Segway looks up at me with an unamused expression.

“Anon, I’m a guard. Why don’t you ask me to look around for you?” He asks.

“Because you’d might offer yourself as sacrifice in return for the stalker to stop stalking me,” I answer. Segway groans.

“Look, that was one time,” he says as Whisk laughs. I pull up another scroll. ‘Who's the biggest idiot you've ever met?’

“Twilight.” With that, I toss the scroll aside. I pull another scroll up. ‘Is Anon the legal name on your birth certificate?’ “Heh, funny thing about my name, it’s actually a word that means ‘unknown entity or person’. I hated that name when I was growing up. Caused a lot of problems for my teachers and friends, not to mention myself,” I say. Both creatures look at each other with concern before Segway goes back to writing. I pull up another scroll. ‘So... You want to go get a drink? Or some food?’ I look at the address it was sent from, and grabbed a pen from my pocket to write it down. “Hello new best friend,” I mutter. I see Whisk roll her eyes. I pick up another scroll. ‘Will you be getting a better crossbow or another weapon, or at least some new bolts for the crossbow?’ I squint my eyes at the letter. “Someone sure wants to know the sole defense of the Checkpoint,” I say sarcastically.

“Hey, what do you mean ‘sole defense!?’ The Royal Guards are there too!” Segway points out. I just slowly look at him. I crack a smile and try my best not to laugh. I failed. I burst into laughter, and suddenly stop to give him a glare.

“Hey, remember who offered to be a-“

“IT WAS ONE MISTAKE!!!” Segway yells, furiously writing down the responses. I grab the next scroll. ‘Hey Anon, what is the strangest thing that someone has ever tried to get over the border?’

“A rubber duck,” I say. “... AndIletthemthroughbecauseofit- NEXT!” I quickly say before grabbing the next scroll. ‘I'll probably get smacked and grilled by you but... What's your parents name an do they go by a similar name to yours?’ “Dad’s name was Mike. Mom’s name was Cheryl. They were crap.” I toss the scroll aside and grabbed the next one. ‘Da, Soviets want to know, WHERE ARE SOVIETS IN EQUESTRIA?!!!’ I stare at the note for a small bit. My hands start trembling as I remember the Russian Anthem. I wipe a tear from my eye as Whisk has the most confused face ever. “Glory to you my fellow brethren,” I say in a Russian accent. Segway and Whisk deadpan at me before rolling their eyes. ‘Have there been any "propositions" (if you catch my drift) in order to persuade you to let them cross the border?’ I scoff. “So many strip clubs, too many fucks not given,” I say as I toss it aside. “It happens everyday.”

‘Yo, Anon. Have you ever shown Rarity THE DRESS? You know the one. It's black and blue but people who can't see well (in dim light) insist it's white and gold. She's got an eye for color so I bet she'll flip her lid if she hears any arguments about it. Hehehe.’ I take a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. “It’s black and fucking blue. Thanks for the idea though,” I say as I toss it aside. Segway doesn’t even react to my comments anymore as he scribbles down my response. Whisk, on the other hand, is confused. I grab the next scroll. ‘Sometimes we don't need a shoulder to lean on. We need an asshole.’ I nod and smile. “Ey, this guy gets it,” I say, grabbing the next scroll. ‘EH BOSS CAN I HAS PUSSY PLZ?’ I freeze and stare at it with wide eyes.

“... Fucking hell no,” I say as I pull out a light from my pants. I flick it to bring a fire to life and start burning the scroll. Both of my companions in the room look at me with confusion. I throw the letter down and stomp on it to crush it as well as the fire. I grab the next letter. Last one.

‘So Anon, since you don't seem to like your new boss, would you take a trip to Canterlot to visit your old boss Lucky and invite her to a night of drinking along with your guard pals Segway Sergui and Spearhead?’

“Heheh, you obviously confused me for someone else. Yeah, I miss Lucky, but there is no way in HELL I’ll go drinking with her. Besides, if she wants my company, she’ll come to me,” I say. Segway writes down my response and looks up with confusion yet again.

“But, what about the invitation she sent us the other day?” He asks. I quirk an eyebrow at him.

“What invitation?” I ask. He rolls his eyes and pulls a letter from out of fuckin’ nowhere. Damn pony magic. I take the note and read it.

Dear Segway,

Get your asses over here. I need some familiar faces to get drunk with.

Lucky.

“... Welp, I have a bar to go to that’s crappy,” I say. Whisk squints her eyes at me.

“How do you know it’s a crappy bar?” She asks.

“Because it’s not your bar,” I say casually, getting up. As she stares at where I was with wide eyes, I leave the room to go to bed. I’m fuckin’ tired. Segway only snickers at Whisk as she stares off into space. He gets all the notes he scribbled down and leaves.

“I need to make new friends,” he mutters.

Author's Note

12/2/18, featured.
Awesome
I also put in another chapter! It’s before this one! Diddly Do Dah Mother Fucker!

Chapter 13: Fuck Nuggets

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 14: Therapy And A Fucking New Year (End of Arc 1)

“Oh. Fucking. Hell. No." I start walking away, only to be teleported back. Twilight is confused as all hell. Celestia sighs.

"If you refuse-" I cut off her off with a loud scoff as I look at her.

"You'll what? Stop paying me? Well you can't, because I quit." I start walking away again, only to be teleported back. Again.

"But, what will you do for-" Now I cut Luna off.

"Considering how many bits you throw at my balls every week, I won't need a job for a while!” I confidently say. I start to walk away again.

“Anon, wait,” Luna pleads. I stop since they didn’t rudely teleport me back this time.

“What?” I gruffly ask, not looking back.

“Will thoust at least do this for us?” Luna asks. I finally look back to see Luna’s crying. This even surprised Celestia. “We hath seen thou’s dreams. We hath seen thou’s nightmares. We pleadeth that thou take this opportunity,” she begs. I keep my stance, but I am surprised on the inside. I didn’t know she looked into my dreams, considering that there are some spells or bits of magic that doesn’t work on me. She certainly never bothers me when I sleep, let alone interact with me. Has she really seen my dreams? Although, I don’t really mind them too much, considering they’re like a normal thing. However, I still consider those types of dreams problematic and private. I especially don’t like talking about it. It’s odd that she didn’t talk to me about them, but I guess she realizes I wouldn’t talk to her about it anyway. Awfully considerate for a pony, but this is an older pony we’re talking about.

“... Luna,” I begin. She looks at my eyes. “... Do you promise that this will be worth anyone’s time?” I ask. She nods. “Do you promise that if I get help from this idjit, then I’ll make someone else feel better?” I ask. She thinks for a little bit before nodding.

“Yes Anon, we believe that this is the correct course of action for you and everyone you know.” I look down, and think.

“... I have another question,” I start. Luna nods for me to continue while Celestia watches on with interest. “Why Bitchface?” I ask. Twilight starts to retort, but Luna beats her to the punch.

“If we recall correctly, she used to be the closest to thou, before her line of screwups,” she answers simply. This really shocks Twilight.

“Wait, I was-“ I toss a glare at her.

“Don’t let it go to your head,” I warn. I turn back to Luna. “She’s currently pissing me off the most, so how’s that supposed to help?” I ask. Luna smirks.

“We hath our reasons,” she replies.

“Gee, that is the vaguest, bullshittiest answer I have ever heard,” I say. Celestia giggles at my reaction, along with Luna.

“Anon, we really do have our reason for choosing her,” Luna says.

“... Fine,” I relent. I mean, she hasn’t bothered me about any of this before now, and we’ve been talking for a year. As pissed as I am about this, I kind of owe her since, to my knowledge, she hasn’t told anyone about my dreams. Ponies are crappy at keeping secrets when it’s not about them, but if Luna’s gone this long, my trust must have meant something to her. I dunno, maybe I’m subconsciously realizing this shit too and I’m trying to reason my stubborn-self that I’m in need of some fucking therapy from the one who was quite literally the shittiest person I know. Who knows?

“... I’m sorry, but what’s going on?” Bitchface finally asks, reminding me of her presence. Welp, now I’m miserable again.

“Twilight Sparkle, considering that you have access to knowledge of a more complex psychology that many other therapists do not possess, I hereby deem you worthy of being one Anonymous the Human’s therapist,” Celestia says. Hearing this, I am yelling a string of curses in my head, trying not to explode at that very fact.

I mean, c’mon, IT’S SO FUCKING STUPID!!! Whatever reason Luna has, it better be a damn good one.

“Wait, what?” The purple fucktard asks. “Isn’t that counter intuitive?”

“Hey, can I go back now? Whisk probably thinks I’ve been kidnapped or something,” I say with annoyance. Luna nods and her horn lights up.

I pop back into existence in front of Whisk and her family, who’re all wide eyed. “I’m baaack!” I exclaim like Cousin Kyle from South Park. Whisk tackle hugs me to the ground.

“What happened?” She asks, barely giving me enough airway to speak. I groan in pain.

“Turns out, Luna decided that the meeting was to be right now. They said I needed a therapist,” I rasp. Whisk loosens her grip and looks at me.

“Wait, really?” She asks with... is that fucking hope!?

“Why do you sound happy?” I ask bitterly. She coughs into her claw in nervousness.

“W-well, um, you’ve always been... well... ya know?” She asks. I squint my eyes, still on the ground.

“No, enlighten me,” I say. She gulps and looks off to the side while every griffon around us is confused.

“Well, you’ve always looked... tired, skinny, and I’ve noticed you’re really...” she trails off. I narrow my eyes further.

“Really what?” I ask.

“... Sad,” she finally says. I lose my gaze and blink in confusion.

“... Sad?” I ask.

“Yeah... Oh, um, we probably shouldn’t be talking about it here,” Whisk says, remembering where we are. I look around to see confused griffons. Including Bacon, who’s slowly smiling.

“Get a room lovebirds,” he says. All the griffins stop being confused and snicker at the joke. Whisk blushes and quickly gets off and stomps to her brother.

“Oh shut up! We don’t need a room!” She yells angrily. I smirk at Bacon as I decide to pitch in.

“Yeah, I own a house,” I mention for no reason. Whisk’s blushing fury turns to me as everyone starts laughing. The kids don’t understand a lick of it, but they just shrug and walk off to continue playing. Whisk stomps back over to me and bops my head.

“Don’t encourage him!” She chastises.

We continued to mingle with her family, all the way until five in the afternoon. We all bid our farewells. Except Maple, he wanted to spend a night at my place. Snowy didn’t mind, and Bacon, being the fun parent that he is, decided ‘why not?’

So, here I am, watching television with the best kiddo ever. He munches on the egg and cheese sandwich I made him while we watch a cartoon show called John and Berry. It’s about a dog that chases around a little duck with ridiculously convoluted traps and gadgets. You know. Like Tom and Jerry. I’m actually spaced out, thinking about what to argue with Celestia about my therapist.

“... Hey, Uncle Anon?” Maple starts. I blink out of my trance and look over to the curious kid. “You’ve seen a lot of griffons, right?” I nod. “Have any of them had any... cutie marks?” He asks. On the inside, I feel dread rise up. Griffons yearning for cutie marks isn’t uncommon, but it’s pretty much the start of having an existential crisis every night for the ones that want a big purpose in life.

“No,” I answer carefully.

“Really? Not even one?” He asks. I shake my head.

“Nope. Not a single one,” I bluntly say. I see Maple’s disappointed look and I immediately panic. “It’d be a shame if they did,” I randomly say. No wait, that sounds like the start of some good wisdom! Fuck yeah! Maple looks at me with confusion.
“Wait, why would it be a shame?” He asks.

“Well, the way I see it, if someone was given a cutie mark, they feel like they have to stick to that path at all times,” I wisely say. “Where I’m from, humans could do anything they set their mind to.”

“Really?”

“Uh huh. I’ve noticed that ponies tend to have a solid-stone mindset,” I continue. Let’s keep this bullshit train rolling!

“A solid stone mindset?”

“Yes, a mindset where they feel like they cannot do anything else with their lives other than that one thing their cutie mark says,” I say, nodding sagely. Maple looks at his sandwich in philosophical thought. I raise a finger. “But! It does not mean cutie marks are bad,” I say. Maple looks at me with more confusion. “I think, more than anything else, they are just pieces of advice for what they are to ultimately do with their lives.”

“... Huh, I guess that makes sense,” Maple says. He looks at me. “So, why is it that ponies get cutie marks?” He asks. Shit. Didn’t think that far ahead.

“Simple,” I state, racking my brain for an answer. Maple keeps his gaze on me as he awaits for his answer. “... Ponies are the only ones that would take advice from whatever plops down right in front of them!” Maple stares at me in confusion. Damn, I’m fucking Socrates today!

“What?”

“Well, I mean, how do ponies know it’s what they’re the most capable of?” I ask aloud. “It’s like they saw it, did it, and think that’s the end-all-be-all!” Now that I’m thinking about it, I probably should’ve tried acting like royalty, I might’ve swiped quite a few treasures and immunities. In any case, I stop and look down at a very confused Maple. “... Nevermind,” I mutter before we both return to the cartoon. Heheh. Cartoon violence masquerading as a family friendly show. I doubt having my hair ripped off violently would feel bad enough for me to simply scream in agony. I may be a man, but even I cry when I’m in pain. Just ask all of Ponyville when a cart ran over my foot.

It’s been a week, and Celestia sent Bitchface over to work with me. Therapy was decided to be every Sunday. I lay on the couch, spending my Sunday morning with Whisk’s cat. I absolutely refuse to acknowledge the fact that I’m the one who takes care of him. Oh yeah, we finally got a name for him. His name’s Kettle. Get it? Kettle’s a black cat?... Yeah, fuck you too. Anyway, I was lounging on the couch, with Kettle on my chest. I dozed off a few minutes ago, snoring slightly as Kettle just keeps his position. Everything’s at peace...

That is, until the door fucking slams open. This scares the shit out of the cat, as well as me. I feel claws dig into me before he jumps off of me. I scream in pain, rolling off the couch as I clutch my injured area. Dipshit gasps as she enters. “Oh my- what happened!?” She genuinely asks. I groan in pain before sitting up.

“Next time, don’t fucking slam the door open,” I groan out. I take my hand off from the scratch and look over to see it bleeding slightly. Not too deep. Twilight’s ears fold back.

“Wh-what-“ she gets interrupted by Kettle, who practically flies past her and out the door. She looks out in horror. “Your cat! It-“

“He’ll be fine. Kettle’s found my house more than enough times to know where it is,” I say, getting up. I need to disinfect the scratch. As I walk, Twilight follows me.

“Where are you going?”

“To the bathroom, I’m going to get some peroxide,” I mutter.

“Why?” She asks. I turn to her, and show the blood on my hand. It’s not really that big of a deal, but it hurts like a bitch. Her ears fold back as she beholds the consequences of simply opening the door like a regular goddamn person. “O-oh no, I’m so sorry, I-“

“Got into a little song and pepped yourself up to bring some sort of instant-courage for this meeting?” I knowingly guess, continuing my way to the bathroom. Twilight looks at me in amazement. I enter the bathroom, and spot the peroxide on the sink. Convenient. I grab it and I look around for some kind of cloth. “After living with you for a small while, it’s not hard to guess what you did when you’re excited,” I casually say as I grab a washcloth. Guess I’ll have to carefully pour it on me. I take off my shirt and step into the bathtub. Twilight walks in after me and sits beside the tub as I carefully poured a little peroxide on the scratch. It lands with a drip, and white bubbles immediately start forming, signifying that it’s killing the bacteria. Once it stops, I wipe it off and pour a little more. Twilight looks down as she thinks about what to do. Silence follows us as I clean the scratch.

Once it stops bubbling, I wipe it off again and get up. I step over Twilight to get some bandaids, noticing how deep in thought Twilight is. If I’m being honest, I kinda feel a smidge bad for my words for her earlier when she was at the Checkpoint. Not bad enough to feel guilty, mind you. I just wish she didn’t appear that day. I actually would have liked to hear that apology, but that was not the day for it.

Twilight and I sit in my living room, on the opposite ends of the couch. I sit on the right, while she sits on the left. We’ve been sitting in an uncomfortable silence for half an hour now. I just kinda space out as Twilight keeps thinking. Then, finally, she speaks.

“Anon, why was I picked to be your therapist?” She asks. I snap out of my thoughts and look over,

“Huh? Oh yeah, Luna was the one who wanted you as the therapist,” I explain. I cross my arms as I remember the day. “She didn’t tell me why despite how stupid it is. I don’t see how you’re going to help,” I bluntly say. Twilight winces, but nods. “Hell, I would prefer Derpy for this.”

“... Anon, when did everything start messing up?” Twilight suddenly asks. I start to retort to it with a smart ass comment, but I stop. When did we start going to shit? I mean, Twilight and I never really got along too much. She was more like an annoying sister before the shit hit the fan though. I hummed in thought as I tried to recall when it all started going bad. I remember that it started at a bake sale...

May 26, 20XIX

In Twilight’s castle, there’s a bake sale for the local school. Twilight’s in the main hall, where the event’s taking place. I, however, want to stay in bed. I groan in annoyance as Spike tugs on my sleeve while I laze in bed. I swear to Bejezus, I will slap the bitch outta him so hard, that he’ll move out of Twilight’s castle and be an independent dragon. “Anon! Come on! Twilight wants you to get up and join the bake sale today!” He says, fruitlessly trying to drag me.

“And tell her I said I couldn’t care enough to try,” I grumble. Twilight and I kinda fought last night, resulting in the bad mood I’m in this morning. She didn’t pay for the rebuild of my house, after she had apparently wanted to send a document to Celestia, but because I slept there, some magic resistance I had was rubbed off around the place. Spike felt bad, but I assured him he was fine, since Twilight could have simply asked me about the house. Oh wait, she did, and I couldn’t answer the questions anyway. Ugh, well, granted, my house wasn't a masterpiece, but it was my only house. Damn mayor wouldn’t let me have a house. Anyway, I’m sure some of the ponies from outside might have overheard it. Thus, I’m not going to go out when ponies think Twilight’s angry at me.

“Look, I rarely ever bother you and you rarely bother me, but I promise this can be one of those ‘eye for an eye’ situations,” he says. I groan and roll over, facing away from him in my comfy-ass-bed. “You can bother me for a day!”

“No,” I respond. Spike groans and lets go of me to face palm.

“You know what, tell me. Tell me what it will take to get you up,” he says defeatedly. I scoff, still facing away.

“Get a petition,” I sarcastically say. Spike stops and grins.

“Really?” He asks.

“Yes,” I say, sarcasm still there in full force. It flies over his head apparently, as he smiles.

“Alright! I’ll go ask Twilight if I can petition then!” He declares, scampering off. I quickly fall to sleep as my annoyance left. He’s a good kid, but he can be annoying as hell.

Present

“... and the next time I woke up, the mayor had a pitchfork up my ass,” I say. I look over at Twilight, who’s thinking.

“... I see...” she trails off as she pieces her part of the day to mine. Suddenly, she sighs and facehoofs. “... I think I know what happened...”

May 26, 20XIX

Twilight sighs in relief as she sees the nice turn out at the bake sale. Applejack’s selling apples, of course. Derpy set up a stall to sell muffins. Sweetie Belle also set up a stall, but all of her goods were burned to a crisp. The students from Twilight’s school also joined in to help. Silverstream’s baked goods were soaking, Yona’s were smashed to bits, Gallus tried making scones, Oculus had changeling goop, Sandbar has... brownies... and Smolder has gems. Sandbar’s brownies were getting sold left and right while everyone else’s were still waiting to be touched. Twilight’s just glad that the bake sale was going well, for the most part. Earlier, Smolder accidentally set fire to one of the stalls, which spread, and Twilight had to come in to stop it. Twilight frowns as she sees that a particular human isn’t present in the crowd of ponies.

She’s still a little mad at how Anon talked to her, but she couldn’t really scold him for it. After all, she set his house on fire. She silently reminds herself to test Anon’s magic resistance some more later. Suddenly, she feels someone tug her tail. She looks over in confusion to see Spike with a smile. “Okay, he said he’ll come out once we petition him to!” He says. I smile widely.

“Wow! That was easier than I thought!” She exclaims. Honestly, she wishes Anon would just come out of his shell more, and this is the one time her wish will come true! She just knows it!

Present

I stare at Twilight in shock after she tells her side of the morning. Not the usual kind of shock though. The, ‘I’m not sure if I want to keel-haul you, or personally strangle you’ kind.

“Oh my fucking-“ I cut myself off to face palm with both fucking hands. Yep. DOUBLE facepalm. That’s how fucking pissed I am.

“I-I know,” she says, rubbing a foreleg with her hoof. She looks up at me. “So, what happened next?” She asks. I sigh.

“Well...”

The same morning...

I snore peacefully in my bed as I sleep off my problems. After being pissed off all of last night, I didn’t really sleep. Probably should’ve told Spike that. Oh well. Anyway, as I sleep, my door opens and closes.

I feel something poke me, and I wake up just enough to know someone’s talking. I sit up slowly, yawning and stretching. “Spike, I told you I wasn’t leaving,” I mutter.

“Anonymous the human,” starts Mayor Mare’s voice. My eyes open slowly to see the mayor in my room, in front of a crowd of angry ponies that spill out into the hall. “There has been a petition, and everyone has agreed that you should leave.” I look at the formal mayor and snort.

“Can you go away? I’m tired and I-“ the mayor pulls a fucking pitchfork from seemingly nowhere and points it at me.

“I am warning you human-“

“Fuck off,” I say, shortly turning over to go back to sleep. That is, until Mayor Mare starts walking towards me. Unfortunately, she actually loses her balance and she accidentally rushed her pitchfork forward in an attempt to stop her fall. The pitchfork stabs my ass.

I scream in pain and all the ponies wince and cringe at what they just witnessed. I reach around and take out the fucking weapons and I jump out of bed and glare at everyone. “What the hell!?” I yell. One pony comes up, pissed.

“We want you to leave!” He yells. All the ponies agree by yelling and showing their pitchforks and torches. I cross my arms and keep my glare.

“What have I ever done to-“ I get interrupted by a rock thrown at me, striking my face. I stumble back, grabbing my face as I feel pain. Silence fills the room, even the ponies that were angry moments ago suddenly shut up. I take my hand away to see a good spot of blood. I just stare at the blood with no expression as one pony comes up.

“A-are y-“

“You want me to leave?” I ask, sounding a little dead. The pony stops and I look up, feeling the small trail of blood on my face. “I’ll fucking leave them.” I went around my room as everyone silently watches, grabbing whatever I needed with a dangerously calm attitude. I pull out a suitcase that I was planning to use way later on. I wanted to move from Ponyville anyway, but since they’re willing to beat the crap out of me, I’m getting out. Damn fucking racist bastards. I hope to Hell that I don’t have To see them after this.

“U-um, d-do you n-need any-“

“Shut the fuck up.” I calmly say, packing my clothes and the little bit of money I had. I actually would have moved away sooner, if it wasn’t for the fact that I got paid less by everyone here. Something about ‘a law that has specific paying requirement’. It’s absolute bullshit, and since almost everyone in this this town hates me, I doubt I can really do anything about it. I finish up the packing, and start walking out. When I get out of the crowd, I turn to go through the hallway that leads out of the castle. As I’m walking, I see Twilight coming up at the far end of the hall. Her head’s in a fucking book as always. She looks up to notice me and looks back down quickly. It seems she doesn’t notice the blood. I keep walking.

“Anon! Glad to see the petition worked!” She says cheerfully. I freeze at those words.

“... You made the petition?” I ask.

“Yep! We made a petition for you to get out!” Twilight says, still not looking up. My hands grip the suitcase tighter in anger.

“... I see. In that case, fuck you, fuck your bullshit, and fuck this shit-hole,” I say angrily. I go back to walking out of the castle.

“Wait, wha- hold on, why do you have a suitcase-“ I turn the corner and keep walking as I hear Twilight’s voice fade.

Present

Twilight stares at me in shock. “I-I don’t-“ she stammers. She puts her head in her hooves and goes into thought.

“I still can’t believe Spike fucked it up,” I mutter. It’s easy to piece together. Spike must’ve left the ‘out of a room’ part in his ‘Get Anon out’ petition. To know that this was all a monumental misunderstanding because of the fact that I wouldn’t get my lazy ass up. I face palm with both hands. Well, I can’t really get mad at a kid.

“... Anon, I just- I just want to- Oh my Celestia, I had no idea,” Twilight says, apparently the weight of the situation is finally hitting her. I don’t care, however. I still have a question.

“Twilight, how did you not know this?” I ask in my hands, still face palming.

“... No one told me what happened. Spike said everyone just got mad, and then someone asked who made the petition. When I said I did, everyone got mad at me!” Twilight rambles. “No one ever told me what I did, they just said it was my fault! I thought you ran away just because you didn’t want to get up!” I take a deep breath in, and a deep breath out.

“So, basically, this was one huge fuck up after fuck up,” I say. Twilight nods. Well, now I kinda feel bad. Not enough to warrant an apology, but I kinda feel bad. I sigh and sit back.

“... Anon, what happened after you went away?” Twilight asks. I sigh.

“Well... I couldn’t afford a train ticket, so I just walked along the railroad. Took me quite a few days to get to Manehatten...”

May 30, 20XIX

I walk on the right of the railroad, carrying a suitcase as I feel the sun practically kill me with its heat. “This is so fucking stupid,” I mutter, never missing a step. “I hope the next place I get to isn’t as bullshit as Ponyville.”

I continue my trek for quite a while. I don’t know how long I was out there for, but I remember snapping out of my dark thoughts when a hoof nudges my leg. I blink in surprise before turning to see a train next to me, as well as a familiar orange pony. “Anon! Why in Equestria are ya here!?” She asks loudly. I flinch and cover my ears.

“Ow.”

“Oh, sorry, I’ve been calling ya for a good half-hour. You never responded, you just kept walking. I assumed ya’ll were deaf,” she says. I nod. “Now, again, why are ya here sugarcube? I asked around where ya were when you didn’t show up for work, but everypony said ya’ll took the train.”

“Yeah, well, I’m here because I couldn’t afford a train to Manehatten.”

“... Come again?” Applejack asks, confused.

“Well, apparently the ponies in Ponyville were so upset about me, that they ran me out of town,” I explain. Applejack blinks.

“Really? Is that what they did yesterday?” She asks. Huh. I spent a day by the railroad.

“Yep.”

“I was wondering why everypony was mopin’ around. Don’t worry though, I’m sure this is all a misundersta-“

“No.” Applejack stops and looks up at me with confusion. “There is no way in hell I’m going back,” I say. Applejack frowns.

“Sugarcube, don’t worry, once I talk to Twilight-“

“Flash news, she’s the one who petitioned me out of town,” I deadpan. Applejack’s jaw dropped.

“What?”

“Yeah. She literally gave the town an opportunity to run me out, and it worked.”

“Hold on, are you sure-“

“SHE SAID SO HERSELF!!!” I yell in anger. Applejack flinches back as I grip the suitcase tighter. “SHE SAID SO HER-FUCKING-SELF!!!” I shut my eyes tightly as I feel my anger boiling. I try to calm down, but to no avail. Applejack stares at me silently as I try to calm down.

“... It’ll be alright,” she says softly. I try to just breathe in and out, but my breaths are too sharp. Applejack slowly trots over to me, and takes my hand in her hoof. I open my eyes and look at my former boss. She has a sincerely concerned look. “It’ll be alright sugarcube, okay?” I stare at her for a good minute before sighing. “Alright, come on now...”

Applejack and I sit in the train she was in, though she paid for my ticket. I sit idly on a cushioned seat, across from her. She keeps her stare out the window, watching the various bits of scenery pass. I have my hands together, staring at the ground, trying to think of what I should do. Running away was a stupid idea. Here I am, penniless, jobless, and I’ll have nowhere to go once I get to Manehatten. I sigh, trying to just calm down. I’m twenty eight, I should act my age. Of course, I’ll still fucking curse, but I need to be calm about this. “... You know, I was visiting some family in Manehatten,” Applejack says suddenly. I blink and look up to see her smiling, gazing out the window. “The Oranges. A right nice group of ponies.”

“... Okay?”

“... Just saying, they might need some help at a general store,” she says. I quirk a brow.

“What? Like a cashier?”

“Yup. It’s minimum wage, but it’s a nice temporary job.” I keep my slight frown as I look out the window.

“I’ll figure something out by myself,” I say. Applejack chuckles.

“Ya’ll say that, but what does that phrase really amount to?”

“Nothing to you ponies, I’m sure,” I mutter. Applejack sighs.

“Look, I’m just offering a hoof to somepony who needs it,” she says. I scoff.

“Well then, keep looking for that pony,” I bitterly say.

“... I’m willing to lend a hoof to somehuman,” she says. I just look over at her, slightly amused. She keeps her gaze out the window. Silence follows between us, until I chuckle.

“Fine, just don’t say ‘somehuman’ again. It’s weird,” I concede. Applejack smirks.

“Fine by me.” I look back out the window.

“So, why aren’t you trying to talk me out of this?” I casually ask.

“Because you sound like you genuinely need to be away from Ponyville,” Applejack replies. I nod. “I know Ponyville isn’t the nicest of towns. Remember Zecora?” I scoff.

“Yeah...”

Present

Twilight and I sit next to each other on the couch now, as I finish up telling her about the road to Manehatten. I suddenly stop as I realize something. “... Why hasn’t Applejack told me about the whole mix up?” I wonder outloud. Twilight sighs.

“I’m willing to bet that she thought it would be best for us to figure it out.”

“... Fair enough,” I concede. Speaking of Applejack, I need to pay her a visit. For the past year, she’s been busy with either teaching, farm chores, or monster attacks. Letters aren’t cutting it anymore. Twilight looks at me with curious expression.

“So, what happened after that? Did the job do well?” She asks. I scoff.

“Nope...”

May 28, 20XIX

The light orange pony-manager of ‘General Orange’ sits behind a desk, kind of nervously. I sit in a chair across from him as he straightens his papers and turns on a desk lamp. He clears his throat as he looks at me.

“I’m sorry Mr Anon, but you’re not really...” the manager stops to think of an appropriate word.

“... a pony?” I offer cynically. The manager’s eyes opened wide.

“Wh-what!? No! Certainly, most definitely-“ Goddammit, ponies are the worst liars.

“Holy shit, I didn’t know you’re racist too,” I comment, getting up. He sighs.

“I’m sorry, but the ponies in Manehatten are easy to scare,” he says. I roll my eyes.

“Bullshit, they didn’t even bat an eyelash when I walked in. You’re the first one who started making this a problem,” I point out. He stammers.

“O-oh, I-I uh-“

“So you know what? Fuck this, fuck your bullshit, and fuck you,” I say as I walk out the door. He sighs as I leave.

I walk out of the building, seeing Applejack immediately. She’s worried.

“Your cousin’s literally the only racist pony in this entire fucking city,” I say. Applejack sighs.

“Darn it Or-Seed,” she mutters. She sheepishly smiles at me. “I’m so sorry about him, he’s always the paranoid one in the family.”

“It’s okay, I’ll just try my luck with retailers. There’s a load of them around the city from what I’ve seen,” I say. “It’s a fucking miracle I’ve only encounter one pony unwilling to talk to me.”

Applejack and I wander through the streets in the daytime, look out for job openings and such. “I heard Shears is pretty nice!”

“If it’s like my world, it won’t be for long.”

“What about Farget?”

“Excuse me, Farget? Hell no.”

“Umm... Wallcart?”

“I’ll be a greeter.”

“So, that’s a no then. Alright, how’s about Neighgreens?”

We continue to go through a list of pony-bootlegs until I look over to see a construction site. It seems to be a remodeling of an old building. I wonder if they got any openings. I walk over to one of the guys as Applejack follows me. “Yo, you guys hiring construction workers?” I ask. The one closest to me with a clipboard looks up.

“Huh? Oh, uh, no, not really,” He absentmindedly says. I walk over to the dude and look at the clipboard.

Whiskey’s Hay

I scoff, making the guy look up at me. “That’s a stupid name. Why not something original, like ‘Whiskey Bay’ or something?” I ask. The guy smirks.

“I know what I’m doing, the bird-lady will totally be thanking me later!” He confidently says. I roll my eyes.

“It’ll bite your ass,” I warn as I walk off, Applejack in tow,

“... You know what?” Applejack says suddenly. I look over with a quirked eyebrow. “Let’s get something to eat. I haven’t eaten any breakfast, so this’ll be a good break!” I mull it over for a bit before nodding.

“Alright,” I say. I allow her to lead the way. We look around until we find this one diner. Old Timey’s Diner, to be exact. We got some waffles pretty quickly, which are delicious. As we eat, I notice a couple of ponies come in. One was a white pony with a zebra mare.

“... I cannot believe they called me soft!” He says. “You would think that after fighting for two years, I would be-“

“Calm down Spearhead, your anger may be right, but now is not the time for a ferocious fight,” she rhymes. I guess Zecora’s not the only one that rhymes.

“I know, but I mean, I’ve gone through rigorous training Zala!” Spearhead defends. The zebra chuckles.

“That you did, my honest love. Though, my parents will still slap you with a glove,” she says with a giggle. Spearhead looks at her in confusion.

“... What’s a glove?”

“A zebran word, that zebra don’t even know, but for now, let us make sure our hunger won’t grow.”

“Heh, okay,” Spearhead says. As they order from the old dude at the counter, I shake my head.

“Weirdo,” I mutter, going back to my waffle.

A Week Later...

Here I am in June, a cashier at Bit Tree. I’m not gonna lie, it’s pretty fuckin’ crap. The seniors complain how there’s no senior citizen discount, the glass is so easy to break, it’s practically still sand, the windows are plastic, and I have to deal with coupons. In a bootleg-Dollar Tree. What the fuck. At least I have an apartment. It’s a class eight, which means it’s shit. The air conditioning is made of one bag of ice at the window, which gives me a nice ass view of a brick wall, and I’ve found five mice with suitcases that are leaving this shit hole. I’m not fucking joking. There’s a couch, a broken radio, and a broken fridge. The landlord fucking sucks too. He said he’ll have my monkey ass in a zoo if I don’t pay on time. So far, I’ve managed to afford beans to eat. Oh right, I also got a nice five-ounces of soup. Forgive me for not being gratuitous. I sigh as I lay on the couch. At least I have a roof and some food.

Present

Twilight gasps. “That’s horrible!” She exclaims. I shrug. “D-did you ever get another job before being a Passport Inspector?” I scoff.

“No, though, I didn’t keep that job for too long...”

November 1, 20XIX

I sigh as I look at my manager. “Look, I’m sorry, but I want to leave. This place is just shit,” I say. The manager nods understandingly.

“Alright,” He says. Silence follows as I wait for something else. “... What? Do you want some encouraging words or something?” He asks sarcastically. I smirk at the bluntness he shows.

“Nah, I just figured you want to curse at me or something,” I say. He chuckles.

“Nah, this Bit-Tree’s closing anyways. Not many ponies coming in anymore,” he says. He looks up in thought. “You know, if the border opened sooner, we might’ve been able to stay in business,” he says. He sighs. “However, the other creatures haven’t really trusted Equestria enough to come in. We’re going out of business anyway.” He looks at me with a hint of relief. “I’m glad I didn’t have to break it to you,” He says, smiling. I nod and get up.

“Great. Then, in that case, I hope you have a good day sir,” I say. He laughs,

“That’s the first sign of respect you’ve shown me,” He says, smiling. I smirk.

“Eh, a nice farewell gift,” I say.

I walk out of the store, shivering in the cold. Now, I just have to find a job this week. My money only covers the next two weeks. I sigh and think. Alright, I remember seeing some ads in the papers, this should go smoothly if I don’t fuck it up...

Weeks Later...

I groan in frustration at the amount of money I have left as I walk down a street. I couldn’t find anything. Nothing. I went ahead and sold most of my clothes, which were considered to be worth very little. I’ve skipped eating for quite a few days, but I was able to get some water. Today, I feel the hunger starting to gnaw at me. It’s not as bad as the last two times, but I can barely take it. I have to eat something. I wander around the streets of Manehatten, trying to find a bakery I saw. It was very cheap from what I saw the other day. I can probably get a couple pieces of bread. I finally spot the place and head towards it. I walk in, greeted with the smell of freshly baked goods, cakes, pastries, etc. I look across the chalkboard menu while the cashier checks up on what’s stocked. I freeze as I notice the various spelling errors.

Bred?
Baggutte!?
CoopCak!?

I stare incredulously. Not only were the names misspelled, but the prices went through the fucking roof! The bread was priced at fifty bits!?

“Sir, are you going to order anything?” The cashier asks. I look at him with a glare.

“Order!? I wish I could!” I yell. I point at the menu. “Problem is, I don’t know what half of this shit is!”

“Sir, please calm do-“

“Hell no!” I hear the sound of jingles behind me, indicating someone came in. “You misspelled ‘bread’ for Christ’s sake!”

“What’s going on here-“ I swerve around to see the princess of Equestria, Celestia.

“Fuck off!” I yell, turning back to continue yelling. “Also, the prices went sky-fucking-high! Yesterday, the bread was two bits! Now it’s fucking fifty!” Celestia scoffs.

“Excuse me-“ I swerve back to her to glare. She quirks an eyebrow at me.

“I’m not done, begone thot!” I yell. I turn back as Celestia looks confused. “Everything is more than ten times as expensive all of a sudden!” Celestia walks up beside me.

“Excuse me Sir, is what the ape-“ I glare at her.

“Call me ape again mother fucker and I’ll-“

“Is what the ‘human’ says, true?” She asks. I turn my glare back at the cheapskate. I know Celestia knows what the fuck I am, she was the one who accidentally brought me here with Purple-Bitch’s help. The cashier is wide eyed.

“I- Uh, no! Of course it’s not, um, true!” He says nervously. I turn to the solar princess.

“He’s bullshitting,” I say. Celestia looks at the menu and quirks an eyebrow.

“... Indeed he is,” she mutters, squinting at the menu. She blows on the board, only to find it all stuck there. The cashier clears his throat anxiously. Celestia’s horn lights up, and the face of the chalkboard peels away, revealing a layer underneath it. It was a sticker. I look at the idiot at the counter.

“Good job dickface,” I say, right when guards walk in.

Celestia and I watch as the guards shut down the bakery. Celestia and I are also eating something we snagged from it. She stole a cake, I stole a baguette along with some butter. I keep munching on the bread slowly as Celestia takes a bite of cake. Vanilla cake, to be exact. She looks over to me as I take another bite. “So, how did you notice those errors?” She asks. I swallow and look over.

“I read the fuckin’ board,” I deadpan, taking another bite of the bread. Celestia sighs.

“Human, my patience is wearing thin,” she warns. I roll my eyes.

“ ‘at’s i’, I ‘ust ‘ead ‘he ‘oard. I ac’ually ‘uckin’ look a’ e’ery’ing,” I say, before swallowing.

“... What?” Celestia asks. I sigh.

“That’s it, I just read the board. I actually fuckin’ look at everything,” I say. Celestia groans.

“Can you stop cursing for five minutes?” She asks. I roll my eyes. “In any case, you did better than a regular pony,” she says, biting some cake. I scoff, finishing off the baguette.

“That’s because I’m competent,” I say. Celestia stops and looks at me. She seems to be in deep thought. I quirk an eyebrow and slightly lean away. Finally, she smirks.

“Oh really?” She asks. I narrow my eyes.

“Yes,” I say. She scoffs.

“I doubt it,” she says. I cross my arms.

“Okay,” I say. Silence follows as Celestia expects me to defend myself. “... So?”

“... Well, don’t you want to prove how you are better?” She asks. I shake my head.

“No, not really, that’s fucktarded,” I say, turning to walk away. After all, I need to find a job. As I walk, Celestia stares at me incredulously. She huffs and teleports to be in front of me.

“Anonymous the human, I issue a challenge,” she says. I shrug.

“Don’t care,” I say. Before I could walk, Celestia blocks my path with her wing.

“I’m not asking,” she warns. I sigh.

“What is it?” I ask. She looks at my eyes.

“If you can prove to be useful in a certain task, I shall give you anything you ask, including a better job,” she says. I roll my eyes.

“And if I lose?”

“You’ll go to the dungeon for cursing at royalty,” she says. I hum. Well, either way I’ll get a roof over my head. I doubt pony prison’s too bad anyway.

“Fuck it. What task is it?” I ask. She smiles.

“Go to the Manehatten Border Checkpoint at six AM, find a pony named Lucky Runner, she’ll guide you to where you’ll go,” she says, before trotting away. I look after her with a confused look before shrugging and continuing on my way.

Present

I sip my apple juice as I finish off the story. Twilight gawks at me. “That is... quite honestly the strangest way to get a job,” she says, shaking her head. I nod. You know, after figuring out Twilight didn’t mean to run me out of town on purpose, I kinda feel... relieved? I dunno, but knowing that she didn’t outright do something as crappy as that, I kinda feel better. I get a flashback to all the times Twilight and I hung out together. We weren’t really close, but I’d say that to a degree, I tolerate her.

“Mmhmm,” I agree. Twilight looks at the clock and gasps.

“Oh my gosh! It’s almost six!” She says, quickly getting up. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take up to much time!” She quickly goes to the door as I just keep my ass planted to the couch. Twilight stops and looks at me. “So um, next Sunday sound good?” She asks with a little hope. I quirk an eyebrow at her.

“For what?”

“Therapy!” She says with a smile. I furrow my brow, seeing the smile. It’s been some time since I saw that... I sigh.

“I don’t like therapy,” I reply. Twilight sighs.

“Anon-“

“So, let’s just call it a ‘chat’ session instead,” I mutter. Twilight beams. She recomposes herself and nods.

“Alright. And Anon?” I look up, expecting a sappy apology. “.... I’m glad we can be on better terms,” she says, smiling a little. I shrug.

“Eh, I’m still kinda mad, but not as much as before,” I admit. Twilight smiles.

“Good. I’ll see you Sunday!” She says. She trots out, shutting the door on the way. I smile as I pick up the remote to watch some television.

I guess I can have nice things.

December 31, 20XX

It’s been a good while. Whisk and I have been ‘accepted’ in her family, so to speak. Twilight and I have been getting along, though the ‘chat’ sessions aren’t really doing jack shit. I’ve noticed I started cussing less and less, though I still do it normally at work. Smooth Course quit, and we’re looking for another manager again. His resignation letter said something like, ‘Buck this place, it sucks, and it’s not like Canterlot’. So far, everything’s fine. Oh, wait, Whisk’s apartment burned down. Yeah. The landlord apparently decided to cook some eggs in the basement, and they caught on fire. If the fire had been put out, it wouldn’t have reach to some of the support beams. Everything’s fine though, she moved in with me today since there aren’t any open apartment buildings. Plus, I was fine with it. Now, there’s a few pictures on the walls of my house, as well as more food. Whisk said my house was like a desert, barren with no life save for a tall cactus and tumbleweed. Kettle’s still chilling out in my place. He’s... alright...

Anyway, I’m sitting on the couch at five in the afternoon. Truth be told, I don’t want to celebrate New Years. I just lay on the couch, feeling tired after a long day of grocery shopping. Whisk said she was off to do some errands, so I’m just waiting on her. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. I quirk an eyebrow and walk over. I open the door to see Derpy and Dinky, holding a basket of muffins. “Happy New Year Anon!” They say. I smile.

“Hey guys! What’re you doing here?” I ask. They come in as I close the door.

“Well, daddy’s off on a mission!” Dinky says. “And mommy said we could see you for New Years!” I smirk as Derpy smiles.

“Yeah, I figured you’d like some company for New Years!” Suddenly, the doorbell rings again. I look at it in confusion and walk over. I open the door to find Bacon, Maple, and Snowy. Maple tackle hugs me, but I’ve trained for this. I hug the fur all back as the parents of the little monster walk in.

“Uncle Anon! Are you surprised!?” Maple exclaims, dropping onto his feet as he looks at me excitedly. I chuckle.

“Of course I am!” I say, giving Bacon a hug. I start to give Snowy a hug, but the. I remember she’s military trained. I give her a salute, to which she nods. “I thought you guys couldn’t stay for more than two weeks?”

“Well, we kinda lied,” Bacon says. I smirk.

“Oh! Who’re these griffons?” Derpy asks. Before I could respond, however, the doorbell rings again. Okay, who the hell else could be there this time? Segway, Spearhead, and Lucky. Oh, and Whisk’s behind them, with a worried expression on her face.

“Happy New Years!” They all say as they enter my house. This’ll be a long night.

So, here I am, in the kitchen with Whisk, scrambling to get enough food out for everyone before midnight. Granted, it’s seven o’clock, but we want to have some free time with all of them. I’m not that good of a cook, so I just hand stuff to Whisk as she calls for them. I check up on the guests to see them all talking and having fun. I smile and head back to the kitchen. I lose my smile as I see Whisk panicking.

“There are twenty mouths Anon! Twenty mouths to feed!” She whisper-screams. I sigh.

“It’s fine Whisk, I’m sure they don’t expect-“ Whisk stops to grab my head and force me to be level with her.

“I don’t care! It’s New Years! They all came in unexpectedly!” She says.

“So?” I ask, still being grabbed.

“It would look bad if I don’t! It’s a party now!” She says. I finally get released, and I stand upright.

“Whisk, all we have to do is set out some chips and dip. Besides, you already cooked-“ I stop to look at the counter. “A pot of spaghetti, a plate of fruit on crackers, a huge fish for the griffons, and some good ol’ caramel apples for the ponies.” I look at the tired Whisk. “Oh, and right now, there’s a tray of cinnamon buns in the oven. I’d say there’s enough food for-“ I hear the doorbell. Wow, first time I’ve heard it. I sigh as Whisk glares at me. “I swear I have no idea who it is.”

“Go answer it,” Whisk says exasperatedly. I walk out of the kitchen and into the living room, seeing everyone still mingling. I smile as I reach the door. I wonder who’s here now? I open the door, and frown. Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rarity, and Skittles. Applejack, Fluttershy, And Pinkie have a genuine smile. Twilight’s nervous. Rarity’s smile is as real as her hair style. Rainbow just doesn’t smile.

“Howdy sugarcube!” Applejack says, walking in first.

“Hiya best friend!” Pinkie says, bouncing in.

“It’s nice to see you again,” Fluttershy says as she walks in.

“I am so sorry,” Twilight says quietly as she walks in.

“Hello Darling,” Rarity says out of politeness.

“... Hi...” Rainbow mutters, flapping in. I sigh. Whisk isn’t going to like this.

I walk back into the kitchen, seeing Whisk putting down an apple to cut. “Six ponies,” I meekly say. Whisk freezes, and turns her head to me very slowly.

“Six?” She asks. Fuck “Six ponies. Six mouths...” I slowly walk over and pat her head.

“It’s okay, at least it’s not seve-“ I hear the door bell. I quickly jet out of the kitchen before Whisk could grab my neck and strangle me. I rush to the living room and open the door, Spike. I stand up straight, “... Hello Spike,” I say calmly. He stares up at me with a glare.

“... Hi,” he says. I step aside to let him in. He walks in, ceasing his glare to settle on just not looking at me. Fair enough. I sigh as I go back to the kitchen to await Whisk’s punishment. I take one last look at the guests of my house. Everyone’s either on the couch, on the floor, or standing as they all talk to one another. I slightly smile. I guess I really can get nice things. I head into the kitchen, allowing everyone to mingle...

Twilight, Rarity, and Rainbow gawk at who all is here. Not only the guards that I normally hang out with, but also Derpy, Dinky, a small pony, and a family of griffons! Rainbow leans towards Rarity. “Do you know who they are?” Rainbow asks. Rarity shakes her head. Spearhead and Segway are chatting with Bacon and Snowy, Lucky And Derpy are talking, while Maple and Dinky are watching the television as they chat. Rainbow hums to herself and flies over to Spearhead’s little group, with Rarity and Twilight close behind. Applejack and Pinkie decide to go over to Lucky and Derpy.

Flying up, Rainbow lands next to Spearhead, and nudges him. He looks at her before grimacing. “Hey uh, who’re you guys? I see you two hang out with Anon a lot,” she says. Spearhead sighs.

“The name’s Spearhead,” he says. He points to Segway. “He’s Sergui, don’t mess up his name,” he stops to point at the pair of adult griffons. “The red one’s Canadian Bacon, and the other is Snowy Falls.” Spearhead looks at Rainbow, Rarity, and Twilight, “Anon And I go back until December ninth, this year. He saved my flank more times than I could count,” Spearhead stops to smile at a memory. “And, he saved my marefriend from going back to a terrible village.” Spearhead gestures to everyone with his hoof. “If you want to know why everyone here likes him, just ask them.” Rarity quirks an eyebrow and heads over to the griffons.

“Excuse me darlings,” she says. Segway, Bacon, and Snowy stop to look at the white pony. “I was just wondering how you came to know Anon?” Segway barks a laugh.

“I’m a rookie, so they put me in the Manehatten Checkpoint,” He starts. He looks around before leaning in. “Anon’s a better shot than any pony could ever be, with that crossbow of his. He saved my flank from being burned to a crisp many times.” He leans away as Rarity p’s eyes widen. “At first, I didn’t like the guy. He was so unprofessional, I was sure he would get laid off at some point!” Segway stops to laugh. “But then, I started to just kinda give up on being professional, and I started liking him. Awesome game nights of Go Fish were infinite!” Spearhead stops and looks at him in confusion.

“Uh, Sergui, that’s the second game night. We have a Poker game night,” he says. Segway freezes and swirls to face Spearhead.

“For how long?” He asks.

“Um, since the beginning?” Spearhead offers. Segway’s face grew red with anger.

“Oh that stupid-“ Segway stops, and just face hoofs. “So you mean to tell me, Anon never told me about poker nights? Despite the fact that I specifically asked him if there were any?”

“.... Yes,” Spearhead answers. Rarity shakes her head as Segway gets even more mad. She turns to Bacon.

“And you? How do you know Anon?” She asks. He chuckles.

“Well, he saved my feathers, and reunited my family,” he says. Snowy rolls her eyes.

“See, my son Maple decided to run off to find him,” she says, gesturing to Bacon.

“Yeah, I was in the hospital at the time, and my sister and I’s letters wouldn’t get through due to something in the mailing system,” he explains. Rarity stares at them with wide eyes, along with Twilight and Rainbow. Bacon gives them a confused look. “Didn’t you guys know about it? Him and Applejack talk to each other a lot.”

“W-well, Applejack felt that it was best not to tell us much,” Twilight says. “She said Anon asked her not to. Which reminds me, I need to ask about that-“

“Wait,” Snowy says. She squints at Twilight. “Purple, an alicorn, and sounds like a nerd...” Twilight huffs.

“I’m right here,” she deadpans. Snowy scoffs.

“Aren’t you the one who ‘accidentally’ ran him out of town?” Bacon sends a sharp look in her way.

“Now Snowy,” he warns. Snowy scoffs again.

“I mean, why would you show your-“

“Snowy!” Bacon snaps, Snowy, Spearhead, and Segway look at Bacon in surprise. It takes a lot to make Bacon mad. “Now is not the time for it,” he says seriously. Snowy gives a shameful Twilight a glare.

“... Fine,” she relents. Bacon gives a nervous smile to Twilight.

“I-I’m sorry,” he apologizes. Twilight sighs, but smiles.

“It’s okay, I kinda deserve it,” she says. “Besides, Anon’s not as mad at me as he was beforehoof.” Spike, standing behind Twilight, sighs as he sees her ears droop.

Finally, Whisk and I emerge from the kitchen, with a smile of course. Though, if you look at Whisk closely, you can tell she’s nervous.

“Are you sure I cooked enough?” She asks. I sigh and nod.

“Yes, you did, now let’s-“

“FOOD!!!” Maple yells, jetting past me and into the kitchen, I look at the dust trail he left and smirk.

“How’s that for a quick reaction?” I ask Whisk, who’s coughing the dust out of her.

“Speedy,” she confirms, coughing some more.

Everyone gets a plate or bowl and pick out what they want to eat. So far, everyone’s having a great time. Twilight eventually got out of her she’ll enough to at least talk. Snowy doesn’t like her still, but that’s Snowy. Hell, even Rainbow’s getting along with some of them. We all eat, drink milk or orange juice, and genuinely have fun. It’s been some time since I was really able to enjoy myself. The ponies were happy to hear Whisk and I are together now. Spike finally got over himself and started mingling with everyone after an hour.

And now, we’re here, five minutes until the new year. Everyone becomes quiet, and we huddle up on the couch or floor. The news is on, where many ponies are parading and counting down with the huge clock in Canterlot. This clock is only dragged out for New Years. Manehatten has a clock, but it’s broken currently. So, everyone’s focus is on Canterlot. Whisk sits beside me, closer than anyone else. I have my arm around her, making sure it stays that way. Whisk turns to me. “I can’t believe how fast this year was,” she says quietly. I smile and nod.

The doorbell rings. Everyone freezes and looks over at the door in confusion. Who the hell would be here right now of all times? The opens, and Luna walks in with Celestia. Everyone’s jaw drops. “Good ‘morrow everypony, hath we missed anything?” Luna asks. Celestia giggles at everyone’s reaction as she walks in.

“Hello my little ponies and griffons, do you mind if we celebrate our New Years here?” She asks. I give a thumbs up, unimpressed.

“Sure, get your royal butts over here,” I say. Everyone either laughs at my rather mild phrase, or looks at me angrily as if I poked a bear while blowing a party flavor. Luna just laughs and sits on the floor with the kids. Celestia walks over to my side of the couch and sits beside me on the floor.

“Thank you Anon, for allowing us to celebrate with you,” she says. I give her a look of confusion.

“Isn’t there some sort of royal ceremony you guys do?” Celestia sighs.

“Not this year, we decided to celesbrate with someone who worked hard at their jobs, who would give their life to-“

“Shush,” I say as the final countdown began.

10.

The time seems to slow down as the numbers pop up.

I feel my memories flow through my mind about this year.

How I was miserable on day one, having no one to really turn to.

How I had no real friends, just people who tolerated me.

How I thought Twilight was a bitch.

How I was so angry because of that.

Because of that though, I found friends.

Because of that, I found Whisk.

With that...

I turn to my girlfriend, a beautiful purple griffon that made me feel like my life had some more worth than I thought.

I lean in, and kiss her forehead before joining everyone’s cheers.

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!” Everyone yells.

For three hours, we partied. Eventually, everyone left or went back home. It was nice to finally have the house back to myself. Oh wait. Whisk’s here too. We... ran into a situation when we started getting ready for bed...

I stare at the black circle on my bed, wearing a white shirt and boxers. So, that’s where Kettle’s been. The little shit stayed in my room. “Kettle!” Whisk yells, scooping up the fur ball to nuzzle it. “He can sleep in here!” She declares. I open my mouth to object, but I just close it back up as I realize I’m too tired to care right now.

Whisk climbs into bed, with Kettle still in her grasp. I’m telling you, that cat gives no fucks. Ever, I sigh and chuckle as I climb into bed. I lay on my back and look at Whisk, who’s on her side, looking at me. “Hey Anon?” She starts, blushing a little.

“Yeah?”

“Have you ever... been in a relationship-“ I clamp her beak shut. Her eyes widen at my physical touch.

“It’s not even a day into the new year, don’t worry about it right now,” I say as the fatigue starts showing. She sighs, but smiles.

“Okay. Sorry, I just... kinda thought about it, and I’m worried I’m-“ I interrupt her by pulling her into a hug.

“Shush, it’s sleepy time,” I say. Whisk giggles, still holding Kettle while he’s in between us.

“Okay. Good night Anon,” she concedes, closing her eyes. I nod off not too long after.

The year was hard, but I’d say it was worth it.

Author's Note

Oh my God.
Here we are, almost at 5.5k views, and 750 likes! I am so happy to have made a story that a lot of people like, and continue to read! I’m actually a little proud that I made a likeable asshole!

In any case, Happy Late New Years!

Chapter 15: This Is Just Bullshit

It’s Monday, January third. I’ve been able to wake up early, but apparently Whisk hasn’t. I wake up to the sound of the alarm, and yawn. I look around to find Whisk is curled up on my stomach, with Kettle curled up on top of her. I sigh. Kettle’s asserted himself a little too well. I gently move Whisk off and set her on the middle of the bed. I throw my legs off the bed, and sit upright. I stretch my arms before standing up. I actually hate having to leave the bed, but I need to get ready. I walk out of my room, shutting the door gently before walking into the bathroom. I start the shower and start taking off my clothes. I wad them up and set them on the ground. Without thinking, I step into the tub. I yell and jump back out. Fuck, I forgot that it needs to warm the hell up!

“Anon? You okay?” I hear Whisk ask.

“Yeah! Just being stupid!” I reply. I hear the bedroom door open and the sound of Whisk dragging her wings. Shit. I look around to see if I can quickly cover myself. The towel rack’s empty. Shit, I forgot to take them out of the dryer! The washcloth might do, but-

“What do you mean being-“ As Whisk rounds the corner, entering the bathroom, she freezes as she sees me in my indecency. “...” Slowly, her wings start going up, but she doesn’t look away. I look down in horror before covering myself with my bare hands.

“Yeah, I uh...” I trail off, slightly embarrassed. Whisk blinks before covering her eyes with one of her claws.

“Right! Um, I probably uh...” We’re both a little red now. Admittedly, this was inevitable. I’m just glad that nothing too awkward happened. Like, what if I had morning wood? That shit would have been terrible.

“... Can you uh, get me some towels? They’re in the um, dryer,” I say. Whisk nods, with her claw still covering her eyes.

“Yes! Towels! They’re- uh, needed! Yes!” She says awkwardly, stumbling out of the bathroom. Welp. I bet she was disappointed more than anything else. I chuckle a little at that thought and step into the warm sho- OH FUCK IT’S TOO HOT!!!

Whisk and I sit on the couch as we watch the news, eating some eggs she had quickly cooked. “Good morning everypony,” the newscast says tiredly. He yawns and smacks his lips before continuing. “Today’s weather, Manehatten is scheduled to have snow falling, along with a cold temperature of thirty degrees Fahrenheit. Uh...” I quirk an eyebrow as I see the weather pony squint his eyes. “... I can’t read that Jewel. It’s too small,” he says. Whisk and I snicker at the little blooper as it transpires. “... Oh! Celsius! Right. Uh. It’ll be negative one degrees Celsius today. Flash Card?” The camera cuts to another news pony, a mare.

“Thank you Blue Skies,” she says. A picture of the princesses show up on screen with a caption. ‘Royal secret meetings?’ “It’s been reported that Princess Celestia and Princess Luna were reportedly missing during New Years Eve in the span of three to four hours. It has been believed that there was a secret meeting that the press or nobles were unaware of...” I snicker and start laughing with Whisk at the conspiracy nuts.

I get up and stretch as I get ready to leave. It’s about five thirty. “Love you, I hope you have a good day,” Whisk says as I lean down to hug her.

“You too,” I reply. I squeeze her a little before standing straight. “Love you, and don’t forget to feed Kettle,” I say as I put my coat on. “Hope the bar’s day goes smoothly!” Whisk waves bye as I start walking out the door.

“Bye! Have a good day!” She says. I close the door, trekking onward towards my workplace. I would get coffee, but I spent some of my usual free time with Whisk. Normally, she would be going to work by now, but she decided to push the opening time a little further back today since it’s the first day back since New Years and Hearthswarming.

I keep my steady pace as I walk to work. I wonder what they’ll do to get a new border manager? I imagine they’ll surely bring in a substitute of some kind. As I walk, I pass various creatures going about their day. I have to admire how much Equestria has changed since I first appeared here. At first, there was a fifty to one ratio of ponies vs other creatures. Now, it’s starting to even out. Granted, I still see more ponies, but I’m impressed by how many other creatures there are now.

I arrive at the Checkpoint, seeing the tall concrete walls serving as stone reminders of where the border is. I’m heading towards my office when a guard stops me. “Mr Anon, sir!” He states. I stop to look at the speaker, Spearhead, galloping towards me. I quirk an eyebrow as he approaches.

“Did you just call me ‘Mr Anon’?” I ask. He chuckles.

“Well, you’ll be surprised by what’s changed,” he says, completely avoiding the question. I shrug.

“I doubt it’s a big change,” I say. I continue walking towards my office as Spearhead follows.

“Well, actually, it changes your schedule slightly, you’re getting a slight increase to pay, and you’re going to be out in public a lot more,” he says cryptically. I open the door to my office, taking notice of a letter on my desk. I walk over and sit down.

“Oh really? And why is that?” I ask, reaching for the letter.

“You’ll see,” Spearhead says, walking out with a smirk. I’m confused, unsure of why he’s acting so strange. I shrug and open the letter.

To Anonymous the Human,
You’re actions for the country’s national security has been noticed. The rebellion’s bombing attempt, the leader of said rebellion being taken down, the nearly flawless record, as well as various other instances reported within the Checkpoint. Though, your ‘professional’ quality is questionable.

However, Princess Celestia has vouched for you as well as Princess Luna.

In a majority decision, you are to be placed as a temporary substitute for the management of Manehatten Border Checkpoint until a more suitable pony is found. You are required to stay two more hours, manage facilities and resources provided, uphold the reputation of Equestria, and above all else, to keep the safety of Equestria’s borders secured. You will be given an increased pay roll for compensation.

Thank you.

I stare at the letter in shock, my eyes wide in surprise. I put it down, and put my face into my hands.

“.... Mother fucker,” I silently curse.

It has been a couple hours, and I’ve been very tired. I just called in the next creature, sitting back. The creature that comes in, is a diamond dog. A short grey one with a fur coat, smirking as he walks up. “Hello, my name is-“

“Don’t care, papers please,” I say tiredly. The dog widens his eyes before growling.

“Fool, I am king of-“

“If you don’t give me your papers, you’ll be thrown in jail,” I say with an unchanged expression. He growls.

“You will listen!” He yells. I sigh and gesture for him to hurry up. “Thank you. Now, as I was-“

“Wow, that’s interesting, but I sure don’t care,” I cut in, leaning my head on one hand. The dog growls loudly and slams his passport onto my desk.

“Fine!” He yells. I point at the space beside the passport.

“Didn’t you say you were a king?” I ask. He rolls his eyes and starts rummaging through his pockets. Suddenly, a different passport falls out of his pocket. He freaks out and scrambles for it as I stare at it with no expressions. “...” I grab my walkie talkie. “Yo, Spearhead, come get this schmuck, over,” I request.

“Affirmative, over,” I hear. The dog whimpers.

“L-look human, I-I didn’t mean to cause-“

“Don’t care, you go to gulag now,” I say in a Russian accent.

As the dog is taken away by Spearhead, I call in the next entrant. “Next!” The next entrant is a pony, looking around suspiciously as she walks up. When she approaches me, she hands me her passport, as well as a news reporter id.

“Hello, I’m with the Canterlot Daily, care to answer a few questions?” She asks, turning her gaze to me. I hate newsponies. Especially ones that tend to stir shit up.

“No,” I simply answer. She hums in interest and gets out her pen and paper.

“And why’s that?” God dammit. She’s the type of news reporter to stir shit up. The key to this is to never answer the questions. I’ll have to be polite about this. To a degree anyway.

“Didn’t I just say I wasn’t going to answer questions?” I ask. She scribbles down some more notes.

“I see you’re avoiding the question.”

“I see that you have nothing better to do,” I reply. She stops to glare at me.

“... Do you know anything about the recent increase in drugs?” She asks.

“Do you know the concept of leaving ponies alone?” I ask.

“Are you being bribed with money or drugs?”

“Are you? Because you seem hellbent on getting something from me,” I say. She sighs.

“Are the rumors about the biased decisions made in the Checkpoint true?”

“Is there a reporter in the world who doesn’t start up drama for no reason?” The mare reaches over my desk and snatches my rulebook.

“Are there any hidden, specist notes given to you here?” She asks, opening it.

“I’m starting to think you’re deaf,” I state. She quickly goes through the book before groaning and tossing it across the room. She slams her hooves on my desk.

“Can you answer a single question!?” She yells. I stand my ground, never flinching.

“Can you control yourself?” I ask. She groans in frustration and grabs her passport. She starts walking out to pass when the enchanted door stops her. She tries to push the door open, but because she doesn’t have a green stamp, she can’t pass. She spins around to glare at me in anger.

“Did you deny me!?” She yells.

“No, you never allowed me to allow you to pass,” I say. She stops and her ears droop.

“O-oh.” She walks back and gives me her papers.

“Oh, by the way, now you’re denied,” I say. She stares in shock as I deny her entry.

“Why!?” She yells.

“It’s technically illegal to try to cross the border without a stamp, and you seized control of a staff-only piece of property without my consent,” I say, gesturing to the book. She grabs her papers and glares at me.

“This isn’t over,” she says, stomping out.

“... Bitch,” I mutter. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”

The next entrant is a familiar griffon. Featherbird. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him. I give a friendly wave as he walks up.

“Ah! Inspector! It’s nice to see you,” he says. I nod.

“Yeah, it’s nice to see you too,” I say as I get his papers. As I inspect them, he goes on talking.

“Sadly, I have some grave news,” he says with a grimace. I look up at him in confusion before turning back to the passport.

“What do you mean?” I ask. He sighs.

“There has been some controversy at Griffonstone. Terrorists managed to kill various griffons at a Border Checkpoint. What shocked us was what the terrorists were,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck with a claw. I look at his diplomat papers as he continues. “They were ponies,” he says. I quirked an eyebrow at him before looking back to his papers.

“Okay? There’s always a pony terrorist every other day. What makes it concerning this time?” I ask.

“They had weapons only given to high military combatants, as well as various tools to suggest that the ponies were spec ops,” he says. I look at him with wide eyes. “The secret meeting the princesses went to at New Years certainly didn’t help,” he continues.

“They weren’t at a secret meeting,” I say. He stops to look at me in confusion. “They wanted to celebrate New Years with me and my friends.” The diplomat snickers.

“Really? That’s where they went?” He laughs. I nod seriously. “You must be one important human.” I shake my head.

“Anyway, you said the ponies were spec ops?” I ask. Featherbird nods.

“Yes, they had concealed their crossbows with their magic, and the level of accuracy they showed when firing them was... unnerving,” he says, shivering. “I’ve seen regular terrorists, they rush into combat without enough training to live through it. These ponies... they were trained professionally,” he says with genuine concern. I scratch my head.

“Well, Celestia couldn’t have sent them. She knows how thin the relationship between Equestria and everyone else is,” I say.

“That doesn’t rule out the possibility,” he replies grimly. I shake my head.

“Did you capture them?” I ask. He nods.

“Yes, but the only thing they’ll say is ‘Glory to Equestria’,” he replies. I hum in concern. “Anon, I just want you to know, if you think you need to leave Equestria, I can give you a job in Griffonstone as well as living arrangements,” he says. I look at him in confusion.

“Why would I want to leave?” I ask worriedly. He sighs.

“I think our countries will go to war,” he answers simply. He looks at me tiredly. “I don’t know ponies well enough, but if it worst comes to worse, you are welcome in Griffonstone.” I stare at him for a moment, processing the information I’ve been given. I think about Whisk, and how ponies aren’t exactly the most welcoming of other species. I nod and give the guy a green stamp.

“Thank you,” I say. He nods and leaves with his papers. I stare out the door and think of what he said. Equestrian spec ops? I’ve never heard of them. I sigh and lean towards the mic. “Next!”

The next entrant is a yellow earth pony mare with pink and purple hair. She walks in and freezes upon seeing me. Why does she seem familiar? “... Well, are you going to stand around all day or come over here to give me your passport?” I ask. She trots up nervously, giving me her passport. I open it to see her name’s Jawbreaker. I quirk an eyebrow as I stare at her picture. She seems very familiar...

September 13, 20XV

I walk down the dirt path of Ponyville. I’ve been hankering for something sweet today, but I don’t particularly know what. I don’t want SugarCube Corner, but I know I want something sweet. Candy. I want candy, but where do I find such a- my thought process is interrupted by me bumping into someone. I look down to see Bonbon, a yellow mare with pink and purple hair. She’s rubbing her head due to the fact I accidentally hit her with my knee apparently. “Oh, sorry,” I say. She sighs, looking up.

“How about you watch where you’re going,” She scolds. I frown.

“Well, fuckah you too bitch,” I say, beginning to walk away. She huffs and continues on her way.

Present

“... You’re that rude bitch,” I say. She scowls.

“I don’t suppose you remember me,” she sarcastically says.

“Oh, I remember you very well. I know that your name’s Bonbon,” I start. She tenses.

“N-no, it’s Jawbreaker,” she says.

“I’m not stupid,” I say. I prop my head on my arm and smile. “Please, explain to me why you have an illegal name when I know for fact your name’s Bonbon.” She growls.

“Let me through, or I’ll-“

“What? Punch me? I’ve taken Minotaurs down bitch,” I reply. She sighs.

“Okay, look, maybe we can come to some sort of-“

“No,” I say. “Either you tell me why you have an illegal name, or you can go to jail.”

“Don’t you need to hoofprint me first?” she asks. I frown. Yeah, I kinda do. I sigh.

“Yeah, I do,” I say, leaning down to grab a sheet of paper and ink pad. I hand her the objects, which she takes aggressively, yanking them out of my grip. I get results instantly spat back at me through the enchanted printer under my desk. I grab the paper to see that there are two names listed for her.

Bonbon, and Sweetie Drops. No Jawbreaker. I smirk.

“Well well, looks like someone is in need of explaining,” I say, showing her the paper. I admit, I’m kind of being a dick, but I wanted to annoy the shit out of her for so long. Bonbon’s eyes widen, purely shocked.

“N-no, that can’t-“

“Fess up, why do you have another name?” I ask, crossing my arms. She glares at the paper for a second before sighing.

“I’m a secret agent,” she admits.

“...” I start reaching for the walkie talkie, but I stop. Why detain her instantly, if she’s an agent, maybe she can answer a couple of questions for me. She must have looked into the spec ops fiasco, right? Bonbon’s eyes are wide as she sees the communication device.

“W-Wait, don’t-“

“I want to know something,” I say, pulling my hand back, and getting serious. Bonbon looks at me in confusion before glaring.

“I will not share national secrets with you, stupid ape,” she spats. I roll my eyes.

“Unnecessary and bitchy racism aside, I actually want to know something that happened recently in Griffonstone,” I say. Bonbon blinks.

“... What?”

“There was a coordinated terrorist attack in Griffonstone, but the terrorists were trained, professionally. Furthermore, the equipment they were found carrying resembles spec ops gear,” I explain. Bonbon looks around, before looking at me with a glare.

“Who told you about it?”

“A griffon representative that recently passed through,” I say. She quirks an eyebrow in disbelief, but sees that I’m serious. She frowns, and remains silent.

“...”

“... I know you’re supposed to be a secret agent, but if your loyalty is to Equestria, then telling someone like me will probably help Equestria,” I say. She scoffs.

“How?” She asks. I lean over.

“They’ll target the Equestrian Borders. If it’s going to affect my Checkpoint, I’d like to know,” I say. She looks at me, staring into my eyes fiercely. We sit in silence for a minute before she sighs.

“We’ve been investigating that,” she admits. She looks up to me with tired eyes. “We have no idea who they are.” I notice her ear flicks as she finishes the sentence. I grimace.

“You know, I’m not sure if I really believe you,” I warn. She groans.

“Look, I told you about it, now let me through!” She says.

“You were investigating it, right?” I ask.

“Yes,” she confirms.

“How?” I ask. She freezes.

“... I cannot disclose that information,” she says. I narrow my eyes.

“You investigated illegally, didn’t you?” I ask. She looks away.

“I cannot-“ I interrupt her with a hand gesture, telling her to stop.

“Are the next words going to be, ‘I cannot disclose that information?’” I ask. She glares at me.

“The point is, it’s a need-to-know basis. The only pony who should know about it, is Celestia,” she says. I stare at her in silence before sighing.

“So, instead of going to the Canterlot Checkpoint, you take a detour?” I ask. She freezes. “... You’re following Featherbird, aren’t you?” I guess. She glares at me in silence. “... Fine,” I say. I take her passport and give it a green stamp. She blinks and looks at me in confusion. “The last thing I want to do right now, is fuck with this kind of shit,” I say tiredly, tossing the passport towards her. She grabs it in mid air, and nods towards me before galloping out. I grin a little as she ran out. She doesn’t realize how long we’ve been arguing however, I wasted a good ten to fifteen minutes of her time. Featherbird’s out of the Checkpoint at this rate, and I doubt he would just wander around the city. He must’ve gotten a carriage of some kind. Though, he could have a schedule, a schedule Bonbon knows of. That would be a good reason why she wasn’t too impatient. Why worry about following him if you know where he’ll be? I sigh. Looks like I really just annoyingly inconvenienced her. I smirk. Good enough. I lean towards the mic.

“Next!”

It’s the end of the day, and I close the door to my office. I sigh as I realize I still have to go to the other office to manage the border. I silently walk towards my new office as Segway and Spearhead walk up. “Anon! Congrats on the new-“

“Fuck the promotion,” I say tiredly. Segway does a double take as Spearhead laughs.

“That’s our Anon!” He says. Segway stops.

“Wait, why don’t you like it?” He asks. I groan, face palming. I stop and turn to the two guards.

“Because now, I have seven hours to sleep everyday,” I say. “And nothing else. What’s more, I now have to hold up some sort of image in public,” I say, crossing my arms. Segway’s eyes widen.

“Wait, you have to keep up an image?” He asks. I snicker at his reaction.

“Exactly,” I say, turning back to continue my way. Spearhead laughs.

“We’ll see ya tomorrow boss!” He yells. I turn my head to look at them as I flip them off.

“I’m not your fuckin’ boss!” I yell back, chuckling.

I open the door to my second, new office. It was Lucky’s office. Shoeside’s standing next to the desk, a little sad. I clear my throat to get his attention. He blinks out of his trance and looks at me. “Oh! Mr Anon!” He says, scrambling to get his papers in order. I quirk an eyebrow as he hands me said papers. “I’m supposed to show you around and show you what to do-“ Suddenly, the door slams open. I jump and look back to see who the hell did that shit. Low and behold, it was none other than-

“Small Fry!” I say, throwing my arms up and smiling. Lucky, however, is not amused. In fact, she looks pissed.

“Sit down!” She orders. I casually do so as Shoeside perks up. “I heard you were promoted Anon, and I decided that if anyone’s going to train your dumbass, it’ll be me!” She states, trotting up to my desk. She points to Shoeside. “You! Get a notebook!” He salutes her and gallops out the room. She points to me. “You! Don’t be a smartass with me!” I shrug. She walks around the desk and hops onto the desk. She turns on my desk lamp and turns towards me. “Now, come here so that I can teach you how to not buck up,” she says.

“... Did they enlarge the table?” I ask absentmindedly as I notice the size difference. Lucky sighs.

“Do I need to smack some sense into you?” She asks. I snicker and sit down as Lucky hops down. “You’re so damn lucky I was paying you guys a visit,” she bickers. “Those idiots at the top think that this job’s easy.” She glares at me. “And to think an idiot like you managed to get my job,” she continues. I roll my eyes.

“Great to see you too Short Stack,” I comment. She uses her magic to bring my head down to slap the back of it.

“Now, here’s what you’re going to do...”

One hour later...

I learned the ropes of what I’m supposed to do. I have to write out permission forms for paying certain ponies, like guards and staff, and I have to keep count of how much funding the wall gets depending on how well it does. Since I’ve done so well at keeping the place safe, the wall is well funded. Lucky also helped me get an idea of what to do with the funding. I can either improve the wall, or I improve the facilities of the border. See, when the entrant can pass me, they can do one of two things. If they are civilians of Equestria, they can go ahead and go home or whatever. However, if the entrant is a foreign individual, they must either get a temporary-housing-card or go to the immigration office. Equestria’s way of handling stuff like this is very different from America’s. Anyway, as I was saying, I can direct the funds to literally anything I want as long as it is in the best interest of the Checkpoint.

Lucky scans through the papers, pointing out various bits of information as she goes along. We had a nice system. A pile of papers in the center of the desk, a stack of approved papers and commissions on the left, and everything else is crumbled up. “Now, when I left the Checkpoint, the place could run on its own,” she says. She throws down the paper ball she was holding, groaning in frustration. “The last pony to run the place really bucked it up.” I scoff, signing a paper to pay for janitorial staff.

“Yeah. Smooth Course was from Canterlot. In his opinion, he was improving the things that weren’t broken,” I say, placing the paper on the stack on the left. I had to stop myself from looking for an ink pot. I’ve been using an enchanted quill so that I don’t run out of ink.

“I heard he tried to stop paying you,” Lucky comments. I nod, picking up another paper to look at.

“Yep.”

“Did you know that he tried to stop payment for some of the guards?” Lucky asks, picking up another paper. I frown, crumbling the paper I was holding. Who the fuck would want me to commission an official Opposite Day?

“No, I didn’t. I bet there’s a different reason about why he quit,” I say, picking up another paper.

“He quit before he could be fired. It didn’t really hurt his reputation in Canterlot if he resigned,” Lucky says, crumbling her paper. “I swear to Celestia that if I see another silly commission-“ I pick up a paper and read it. I sigh. Someone asked for a statue made of gold. I take my quill and write ‘Fuck you’ on it. I put it in a clear area on the desk. Lucky quirks an eyebrow and looks at the writing. “What’s this pile?”

“The fuck you pile,” I say nonchalantly, picking up another paper. Lucky smirks.

“I like that,” she says, picking up another paper as well.

After another hour, there was a bin full of paper, a stack of approved papers, and a stack of ‘Fuck you’ papers. Lucky pitched in to help. Lucky and I stare at the stacks. “That’s a lot of buck you papers,” she comments. I nod. “... You’re not really going to deliver those, are you?”

“Of course not,” I say. She sighs. “I’m gonna make Shoeside do it.” Lucky groans.

“Celestia dammit,” she says. As I chuckle at her words, I hear someone outside my office.

“Hey, have you seen Anon?”

“Yes! He right in there!”

“Oh, thank you!” I frown, realizing that I forgot about Whisk. My office door opens to reveal Whisk, a peeved Whisk. At least she’s not pissed. “Anon! Why’re you still here?” She asks, walking up. I sigh.

“Got a promotion,” I say. She stops and her eyes go wide.

“What?”

“Promotion,” I reply. She smiles widely and hugs me.

“Oh that’s wonderful!”

“Now that I stay an extra two hours, I’m working over eighty hours a week,” I say, my voice showing my fatigue. Whisk giggles.

“It’s okay Anon, you’ll survive,” she says. I get a flashback to the spec-op-fiasco. I frown as I realize that her situation will be a little complicated. Lucky snickers as she watched our interaction.

“Wow, I bust my flank to get over here, and I don’t even get a hello?” She asks. I snap out of my thoughts and give her a grin.

“Wow, such fowl language from a little filly,” I tease. Her smile instantly goes away and her horn lights up. I feel a painful sensation from my face as I slowly realize that Lucky threw a book at me.

“Don’t even,” she says, making Whisk giggle. I chuckle as well, and start walking out with Whisk and Lucky behind me, going into a conversation. I hope Celestia fixes that situation soon...

A week ago…

An interview room within a secret griffon-base is occupied by a single pony, two chairs, and a table. The mirror on the wall is obviously a one way mirror. The pony’s demeanor is stoic, never changing his expression. He just stares ahead as a griffon enters the room, holding a clipboard with papers. The griffon sits across from the pony, never taking his eyes off the papers. “... So, Mr ‘Glory to Equestria’, are you willing to tell us about your little mission at the Griffonstone Checkpoint?” He asks, finally looking at the pony.

“Glory to Equestria,” the pony replies.

“... Okay, let me rephrase the question,” the griffon leans over, glaring at the pony as he raises a claw to the pony’s face. “If you do not answer the question, my buddies are free to extract info from you in a ‘non-friendly manner’,” the griffon leans back. “I’ve suggested a couple things, like branding, de-hoofing, et cetera, et cetera.” He chuckles. “Would be nice to see what pony meat taste like.”

“Glory to Equestria,” the pony stoicly responds. The griffon frowns.

“You know, that’s starting to piss me off,” he says, getting up. He can already tell that he isn’t going to get anything. After all, ponies were the most breakable. Threatening ponies was easy, but if this one wasn’t even wincing at the ideas the griffon said, then the griffon’s wasting his breath. “Welp, it seems that you’re going back to solitary. Once you’re willing to cooperate, you can just call.”

“Glory to Equestria,” the pony says again as the griffon walks out. Featherbird watches the interrogation from behind the mirror, frowning.

It seems he needs to go to Equestria for a little chat. He turns and leaves, worried and concerned for the future of his country. He doesn’t want a war to break out, that’s for fact. The economy in Griffonstone would be torn asunder. He thinks back to his nephew, who travelled Equestria. He apparently likes it there. The eceonomy was certainly better. Featherbird suddenly remembers the human from the Checkpoint. A rather provocative creature, yet very logical. He smirks. The very thought of that fowl mouthed creature makes him want to chuckle. He frowns as he realizes that ponies aren’t exactly going to treat him fairly when war breaks out. He sighs. He can’t think of that now. His country comes first.

Present

Celestia sighs as she looks at the clock. Today, she was to be in an emergency meeting in Manehatten. The room it was taking place in was rather small, but enough for her and the diplomats. Celestia sits at the end of a long table, taking up one of the various seats. She looks at the entrance of the room just in time to see the door opening, revealing the griffon diplomat, Featherbird. Celestia quirks an eyebrow as she notices no one else enters. Why is there only one diplomat? “Good evening Princess,” the griffon says with a grim expression. “I’m sorry to have called you in at this hour, as well as how early into the year.” Celestia puts on her calm mask effortlessly, bringing a practiced smile to her face.

“Oh, it is no trouble. After all, I of all ponies know that if you called an emergency meeting, then that means it is important.” Celestia leans in a little. “So, what’s the emergency?” Feartherbird sighs.

“... There were two professionally trained and equipped terrorists apprehended the other day at a Checkpoint,” he explains. Celestia’s smile drops instantly. “They were identified as special forces from Equestria. What’s more worrying, is that they only seem to repeat the phrase, ‘Glory to Equestria’.” Celestia’s calm mask was gone, and her eyes show nothing else other than concern.

“...”

“... Do you know anypony by the names of ‘Trickblade’, or ‘Trigger’?” He asks. Celestia’s eyes just barely widen. “Those were the names found on their dog tags.” Celestia sits stoically. The griffon stares at her with a trace of worry. “... Look, I know our relations with your country is thin enough,” he starts. “I don’t want to believe your country’s government deliberately sent two special forces units to go on a terrorist mission.” Celestia remains in her seat with no readable expression. “But please, if there is some logical explanation, you have to tell me.” The room remains silent, with a cold chill running down Featherbird’s back.

“... Mr Featherbird. I cannot disclose any information about our special forces,” she calmly says. Celestia knows her words are menacing sounding, but she can’t say anything else. Featherbird’s face floods with a mix of emotions. Shock, fear, betrayal, and many other things.

“Celestia, please-“

“I cannot disclose anything at all,” she cuts in. Featherbird slams a claw onto the table.

“Don’t you realize what will happen!?” He yells furiously. “This could start a war! A war that my fellow griffons, despite having such a low national budget already, are going to partake in!” Celestia does not even flinch as the diplomat yells. “Please! Tell us something! Anything! We cannot-“

“I’m sorry, but I cannot discuss it,” Celestia cuts in. The griffon stares at her in angery confusion before scoffing.

“Ironic how ponies claim to have a ruler of friendship, and yet most of your country lacks all of the harmonic qualities of it,” he comments, starting to walk out. Celestia just stares ahead as the events unfold. Featherbird stops when he reaches the door. “... Just to let you know, if this doesn’t start a war, you will be on very thin ice.” Celestia nods.

“I understand.”

“...” Featherbird walks out, with many emotions swirling in his head.

Celestia watches on, waiting for the diplomat to close the door. Once he does, Celestia’s eyes start watering. Before she could cry, a series of rapid knocks sound from the door. Celestia immediately wipes her eyes and opens the door with her magic, revealing Agent Sweetie Drops on the other side. “Princess, I have news for you, but I’ll have to be quick.”

“Come in,” Celestia says, stepping aside. Sweetie Drops walks in, and turns to the princess as she closes the door.

“The special forces that went missing last week were the ones that attacked in Griffonstone,” she reports. Celestia keeps a strong face, but inside, she’s crumbling. “I checked everything about them, but they’re the spec ops we were looking for.”

“And the griffons? Have they sent special forces to attack us?” Celestia asks.

Unbeknownst to the majority of Equestria, a letter was sent to Celestia two days ago, warning her of an attack. Thus, Sweetie Drops was sent to investigate. The day she arrived at Griffonstone, the two spec ops ponies attack. She investigated them as a side mission.

“No. It turns out, they didn’t. The letter was false,” she confirms. Celestia sighs.

“Anything else?”

“The griffons have actually partook in a treaty with a couple countries,” Sweetie Drops continues. “The Dragons, the Minotaurs, and half of the Hippogriffs.” Celestia quirks an eyebrow.

“Half?”

“It seems that there was a disagreement between the populace, and thus decided to segregate.” Celestia sighs. “The treaty entails that all who sign it are to assist each other in times of war.” Celestia freezes.

“War? Why would they draft up such a thing?” Celestia asks. Sweetie Drops shakes her head.

“It wasn’t them who drafted it, it was the Minotaurs,” she explains. Celestia hums in concern.

“Anything else?”

“I was instructed to follow Featherbird. In the process, I was almost caught by the stupid ape at the Checkpoint,” she says. Celestia chuckles.

“His name is Anon you know.”

“He tried to interrogate me when he recognized me,” she continues.

“You answered at least some of his questions, right?” Celestia asks. Sweetie Drops frowns.

“Why would I?”

“Because this is of concern for Checkpoints like his. His Checkpoint could be under attack any day now,” Celestia says. Sweetie scoffs.

“As if. Ever since that loudmouth showed up, there has been a dramatic decline of terrorist attacks on his Checkpoint. If anything, he has the safest position,” Sweetie Drops continues. Celestia sighs.

“Agent Sweetie Drops, his Checkpoint was attacked by one of Equestria’s biggest threats. Yes, he’s much more prepared than other Checkpoints due to his lack of naivity, but that does not mean he is prepared for everything,” Celestia scolds. “I would also like to remind you of the agency’s failure, as well as the Elements of Harmony’s, to bring in the same threat that Anon took care of in the span of an hour with no major casualties,” Celestia continues. “If I can trust him alone with an entire Checkpoint, then surely you can trust him enough to divulge his questions regarding the very thing he is supposed to protect!” Celestia finishes with a more-than-pissed attitude. Sweetie Drops stares up in slight fear and embarrassment as Celestia realizes she lost her temper. Celestia clears her throat and recomposes herself. “I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. Still, my point still stands.”

“Yes ma’am,” Sweetie Drops replies, saluting.

“Anything else to report?”

“No ma’am.”

“Alright. I imagine you have Featherbird’s schedule?”

“Two steps ahead of you.”

“Good. Follow him. I need somepony to keep an eye on him. Just in case.”

Author's Note

Yep. Got sick for a good while. Now, I’m a little better. The chapters are back in business!

Also, yeah, this shit just happened. Who’s ready for a good ol’ fashioned swig of ‘Fuck you’?

Chapter 16: Love Can Kiss My Ass

It has been about a month, and Heart’s and Hooves day is in a week. Today’s the sixth, Sunday. I’ve kept the Checkpoint in good shape, but the new manager should be picked soon. Lucky went back to Canterlot, she just wanted to say bye to all of us before leaving again.

I’m surprised by how many stupid requests there were. Surprisingly enough, I never got any backlash for my ‘Fuck You’ pile of papers. In any case, I improved the Checkpoint a lot. Unicorns have enchanted most of the guards’ armor. Their weapons were also replaced with newer ones. The crossbow I have is upgraded slightly, I don’t have to manually load it now. I don’t understand why no one allowed my crossbow to be capable of shooting more than one God damn bolt. I also allowed the Checkpoint to have archers stationed in the skies surrounding it. After all, my aim might fail me. It is a fucking crossbow. Seriously, when I tried shooting the first time, I had to take in a lot of practice. While I didn’t have a bad aim, the crossbow itself was fucking unwieldy.

Anyway, I sit on the couch in my house, lazily surfing the channels. Whisk has been extremely tired lately, so I let her sleep in. She managed to find someone to run her bar on Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesdays. I think the one she hired was a pony named Berry Punch. At first, I did not like her at all, but she’s alright. She remembers me from Ponyville though. She was in the crowd that stormed my room. Again, did not like her at all. However, she apologized. That’s more than I can say for most of Ponyville. I asked her why everyone blamed Twilight about the whole fiasco. Turns out, they blamed her because of the wording. As I suspected, Spike. Then, I asked why no one blamed Spike. Her answer was simply, ‘Because it’s Spike, and he’s too young to understand.’ It was then that it struck me how old Spike was. Dragons grow at the same rate as ponies. I’ve been around for more than ten years, and I know that when I first showed up, he was able to read and write. So, if I’m correct, he should be in his late teens.

Long story short, I called her an idiot, which she agreed, and she told everyone about her conversation. Spike personally wrote me an apology letter, to which I accepted. I could actually see a couple of faint tear stains on it, which both makes me feel bad and confused. How the fuck can there be tear stains if he sends his messages by blowing flames on it? In any case, that checked off one of the questions I’ve been meaning to ask.

So, here I am, laying on the couch, watching tv, waiting for the chat session.

“-To show you the power of Dex Wrap-“ the pony in the commercial gestures to the left, making the camera look over to see a metal boat on its rear. The pony walks over, and pulls a chainsaw out of nowhere. I have a feeling I’ve seen this before. The pony cranks the saw and thrusts it into the boat. The boat falls, showing that it was indeed cut in half, and the pony gestures to it. “I sawed this boat in half!”

“Ten years, and I still can’t escape power of God,” I mutter, smirking at the joke. Suddenly, a poof sounds, and a scroll falls into my lap. I quirk eyebrow and pick it up. It’s from Twilight. I unroll it to see the contents.

Dear Anon,

I am sorry to inform you that I am needed in Ponyville, Spike’s sick and he can barely lift a claw. Thank you for your understanding.

Twilight

I scoff. Welp, I just got a whole day to myself. I look out the window to see it’s actually pretty clear. There’s a little snow, but not much to hinder anyone from walking. I’m not going to just sit around for a day. I shrug to myself and get up. I’m already wearing a red shirt and grey pants, I just need my coat. I grab it and put it on. You know, I should seriously consider a bit more color to my clothes. I rummage through my pockets to find that I have my keys, my wallet, and a pen. I started carrying a pen the other day, since Shoeside broke my only quill on accident. I go to the kitchen, take a paper towel, and wrote ‘went out to walk -Anon’ with my pen. I go to the living room and place the makeshift note on the couch. I stretch my arms and yawn. I don’t really know when I’ll be back. I look at the clock to see it’s about eleven in the morning. I guess I’ll be back around two or something.

I just closed the door to my house, when I hear galloping behind me. “Yo! Anon!” I hear. I sigh and turn around to see Segway and Spearhead, without their armor. Spearhead’s white, with a grey mane, and Segway’s a light grey with a light grey with a blue mane. It has just occurred to me that I rarely ever see them without their armor, and I almost didn’t recognize them. “Dude, we need your help,” Segway continues. I quirk an eyebrow.

“You see, Hearts and Hooves day is coming up pretty soon,” Spearhead says, stepping up. “My wife’s out to help her parents, and I thought it would be nice to get her a gift,” he continues. I nod, gesturing for him to continue even more. “Well, I was looking around, when Sergui came up and explained how old fashioned I was!” I can literally see the fear in his eyes. I just give Segway an unamused expression. He simply sighs.

“Yeah yeah, I bucked up,” he admits. “I tried to tell him it’s okay-“ Spearhead turns to Segway, grabs his head, and forces him to look into his eyes. His glaring eyes, that is.

“My wife deserves the best, and I will not insult her with old-fashioned gifts!” He says aggressively. He lets go of Segway, facing me. “Anon, I know you’re way older than me, but can you help us find something new for her?” He asks. I quirk an eyebrow.

“What do you mean I’m way older than you?” I ask.

“... Anon, I’m twenty eight,” Spearhead says. Segway nods. I’m confused.

“So?” I ask, crossing my arms. “I’m only two years older than you.” Spearhead and Segway snicker.

“Yeah, but now you’re in your thirties,” Segway says. I roll my eyes.

“Fine, whatever, I’ll help. I gotta get something for Whisk anyway,” I say, starting our ‘adventure’.

So, here we are. I’m walking down town to the mall, with both guards one either side. We’re a couple blocks away by now, and the sun’s up high in the sky. As we walk, we started our own conversation. “Hey, Anon?” Segway starts. “I was just wondering, how did you and Spearhead meet?” He asks. Spearhead and I tried to stifle our laughs at the same time.

“It was... interesting,” Spearhead remarks.

December 1, 20XIX

I sigh as I walk to work. Diplomats have finally decided to cross Manehatten’s border. Not for simplicity, mind you, but because they feel like Canterlot’s a little fuckin’ stale at this point. Well, that and because the increase of attacks on Canterlot’s Border has been concerning to the princesses. My boss fucking sucks, as I’ve found out. She implemented a new rule yesterday, taking out some of the pay for various workers due to the sudden drop of economy as a whole. My rent’s not particularly high, but I’d rather not have to worry about being laid off due to shitty ponies. As I walk to work, I notice a guard walking towards me. I frown. Oh joy. An idiot. The guard’s aren’t particularly smart. Or strong. Or helpful in any way possible in the past week. Or ever. Wow, now that I’m thinking about it, Equestria’s guard sucks.

“Inspector,” he calls, walking up.

“Fuck nugget,” I greet half assedly. He stops for a moment before shaking his head.

“Look, I need a favor-“

“Fuck you, that’s my answer,” I say, continuing to walk past him. He sputters.

“Can’t you at least wait!?”

“Nope, work’s in five minutes.”

“It’ll only take a minute!” I stop and groan loudly. I turn around, looking at the guard who calls after me.

“Fine, what?” I ask impatiently.

“I need cash,” he says, walking up. I roll my eyes.

“Okay, why would you need it?” I ask. He frowns. “Gambled too much? Drank too many pints?”

“My wife’s sick,” he says. I scoff.

“Really? That sounds like a completely original problem,” I say. I cross my arms as he huffs. “Why don’t you ask someone else?”

“I did.”

“Hm. Tough luck then,” I say, turning around.

“Please wait!”

“No, you’ve wasted too much time already,” I say coldly, taking a step forward. He groans and stomps the floor in frustration as I walk away.

I walk into my office, immediately sitting down. I look up to see that asshole’s back, standing at attention in front of the window. I frown.

“Look, if you can pull off the puppy dog eyes, you could earn a couple bits from everyone each. Ponies are too weak hearted,” I say, taking out a newspaper from under my coat. He sighs.

“Look, I know a way for both of us to get money,” he says. I quirk an eyebrow as I read the paper.

“Uh huh,” I say, uninterested.

“Every time you detain someone, I get a small bonus,” he says. “If you detain enough creatures, I can give you half of it. Deal?” He asks. I look up and see him holding out a hoof. I roll my eyes.

“I don’t need the money you know,” I say, going back to my paper. The guard stares at me for a minute before scoffing.

“You know,” he starts. Oh boy, another sob story. “I was having a tough day, but my wife was there. She was there to help me. She has been there to help me throughout most of my problems. From when I was in Zebrica, to when I was stationed here.” He takes off his helmet, but I don’t look up. It seems that I got a little fame from telling that griffon diplomat to fuck off. I wouldn’t have said it if he hadn’t kept telling me how I have such a foul mouth. “Please, I’m begging you, I need the-“

“Just get out and do your job,” I say, flipping the newspaper to the next page. Silence follows us for a minute.

“... They were right, you’re just as much of a jackass as everyone says you are,” he says, putting on his helmet back on and leaving. I scoff as he leaves. Yeah, I am. I lean over to the mic.

“Next!”

The next day

I sit in my office as my boss goes on and on about some shit. “... and furthermore, I don’t care if the princesses are okay with it, you need to cease your swear words from now on,” she says. I look up and remember to look down.

“Sorry, did you need to find your parents?” I ask, giving her a shit eating grin. She only stares at me for a second before sighing.

“Okay, allow me to reiterate my point.” Her horn lights up and my rulebook glows. The book slams into my face and I double over, holding my nose as I feel immense pain. I pull my hand away to find blood. “Don’t do your usual bullshit,” she says, walking out.

“Mother fucker,” I curse, wiping away the blood from my face. I hear a set of hooves walk in, with the clanking of armor.

“I see you got what you deserved.”

“Gee, no shit Sherlock,” I say, sitting up, revealing my bloody mess. The guard’s eyes widen as he sees it.

“Oh Celestia, did she-“ I gesture for him to shut up as I look down to rummage through my pockets. I take out a bag of bits and set them on the desk. The guard looks down in confusion.

“Take it before I change my mind,” I say, looking under my desk to see if there were any tissues. It seems that needs to be on my shopping list for when I go out next time. The guard looks at the bag for a moment before nodding, taking it.

“Thank you,” he says.

“Now fuck off, I got work to do,” I mutter, holding a hand to my nose as it slowly stops bleeding. I look at the rule book on the floor to see it has a couple splotches of blood. Great.

“Right,” the guard says, turning to leave. He stops, standing there for a minute before turning to me. “My name’s Spearhead, by the way.”

“Don’t give a shit,” I say, sitting up. I lean towards the mic. “Next!” Spearhead chuckles.

“You’re certainly an ass,” He comments, starting to walk out. “But you’re alright in my book.” I watch on as he leaves, wiping up the blood with the end of my coat’s sleeve. Faintly, I smirk for a moment. Not gonna lie, it felt good to do that. I feel the stinging pain of my nose linger, but somehow lighten. I recompose myself, frowning and sitting up straight.

Right now though, I have a job to do.

Present

“Really?” Segway asks. I nod.

“Yep. He called me an ass. Truly the most insulting of phrases,” I sarcastically say.

“Well no, I mean, I kinda figured you guys hit it off,” he says. Spearhead and I laugh.

“Hell no we didn’t,” I say, smiling.

“... Huh,” Segway says, looking thoughtful. I nod.

“Sometimes, the best relationships start at rock bottom,” I say. He nods.

“Anyway, do either of you know what we should get my wife?” He asks. I scoff.

“No,” I say, as if it’s obvious. Segway chuckles.

“Spear, buddy, I don’t even have a marefriend, what makes you think I would know what to get?” He asks. I nod

“Yeah, why bring the v-card holder?” I ask. Spearhead laughs while Segway frowns at me.

“V-card holder, really?” He asks. He grows a smug look. “And what about you? I doubt you ever get action-“

“Never bothered,” I casually say. Spearhead and Segway stop and look at me in confusion.

“What?” They ask simultaneously. I stop as well to look at them in confusion.

“What?” I ask back. Segway was quick to speak.

“Well, when you and Whisk got together, we kinda assumed you two would...” he trails off, looking at Spearhead nervously. He rolls his eyes.

“We thought you two would have banged by now,” he simply says. Segway nods. I roll my eyes.

“And, why would we?” I ask. They both shrug. I sigh. “Look, if Whisk wants to, maybe I’ll try. I’m not exactly interested in that kind of relationship yet.” I get flashbacks to my first girlfriend, making me grimace. “I had that kind of relationship, didn’t really like it.” Segway quirks a brow.

“Did you tell her that?” I clear my throat, getting increasingly uncomfortable.

“Yeah.” I look up to see the mall was a little ways away. “Hey, can we hurry up a little, it’s driving me crazy on how close we are to the mall,” I say, keeping my gaze trained on the building. Before my friends could reply, I go back to walking towards it. They look at each other in confusion before following me.

We’re walking inside the mall, seeing various little shops along the way. The place is three stories tall, extremely wide, and with enough space to fit hundreds of ponies. We keep our little formation together as we walk, throwing up ideas for gifts. “Potted plant?” I offer.

“No, she’s allergic to flowers.” I scoff.

“Weird how a zebra is allergic to flowers, but okay.”

“What about a cake?” Segway offers. Spearhead sighs.

“Sergui, it’ll be too sweet for her.” Segway nods.

“How about a potted cactus?” I ask. Spearhead’s sigh expressed how stupid it sounded.

“Anon, she doesn’t care for cacti.”

“What about one of those little fans that you can tote around?” Segway offers.

“She would call it a waste of bits.”

“How about a potted lightbulb?” I lazily offer. Spearhead tosses me an unamused look.

“Oh! We should get her an air freshener!” Segway genuinely suggests. Spearhead and I give him the best ‘dafuq?’ look we could muster.

“I’m starting to realize this was a mistake,” Spearhead comments, shaking his head.

“What does she like to do? Maybe we can find something that can give her something to do?” Segway suggests.

“Well, she likes tennis, reading romance novels-“ I get flashbacks to Twilight. Fuck that book. “-chess, and a few other things,” he says. I nod.

“Maybe we should get a racket for her,” I say. He gasps.

“Why didn’t I think of that!? Her old racket broke the other day!” He immediately gallops on to find rackets, leaving Segway and I in the dust.

“Hey! Wait for us!” Segway yells, running after him. I chuckle as I start to run as well.

“Mr Inspector?” A robotic voice calls, stopping me in my tracks. I look at the source of the voice to find that same robot pony I had encountered at the Checkpoint before the Christmas holidays. However, he certainly changed. His metal body had changed from a boring grey to a charcoal black, with an electric blue fifteen on his flank.

“Robot?” I ask. He trots up to me mechanically.

“Hello! However, my name is not Robot, it is Steve now!” He says happily.

“... Steve?” I ask. That is a surprisingly human name.

“Well, my creator had found me after our encounter, and asked me what I was doing. So, I proceeded to answer her question by explaining something I have been experiencing. It turns out, my creator wanted to hear such things,” Steve says. He mechanically smiles, and his blue eyes brighten slightly. “I was feeling such a positive emotion when he said I was a success!”

“Steve?” A voice asks. I look over to see a blue mare with electric blue hair. “Who’s that?” She asks. Steve turns to her.

“Creator, this is my friend, Anonymous the Human of the Manehatten Border Checkpoint!” He says. I quirk an eyebrow. Friend? I talked to him for like, two minutes. I shrug. Oh well, it’s not like he’s causing a robotic uprising.

“Oh! Hello! My name is Elli Trissy, but just call me Elli!” She says, smiling. Elli Trissy. Goddammit ponyland.

“Well, you know who I am,” I say. Steve nods.

“Mr Inspector, would you like to join our objective in obtaining an organism of a nutritional substance?” He asks. Elli sighs as I look at him in confusion.

“.... Do you mean food?” I ask dumbly. He nods sharply.

“Correct!”

“Sorry, I gotta help my friend pick a gift for his wife,” I say. He nods.

“Do not worry human! These are acceptable conditions!” He robotically turns around and walks away, with a clunk in each step. Elli sighs.

“I have got to fix his speech patterns,” she mutters, trotting after him. She looks back to me, smiling. “It was nice meeting you!” I wave bye and turn to keep walking. As I walk, I look around to find my friends. I also keep an eye out for any items that could be nice gifts for Whisk. I finally spot my companions in a sports ware shop. They’re at the front, facing away from me. I take notice of how Segway and Spearhead are talking as if they’re trying to be quiet. I shrug and walk over to them.

“... But, what if she doesn’t-“

“Segway, the worst she can do is say no,” Spearhead cuts in. “Trust me, I’ve been there.”

“B-but she’s pretty! I can’t just say I like her, she doesn’t even know me!” He argues.

“Hey dipshits,” I announce nonchalantly. Spearhead looks at me with a grin.

“Somebody’s got a little crush!” He jabs, gesturing to Segway. He blushes furiously, and glares at him.

“It’s not a crush!” He says, reminding me of a five year old. Spearhead scoffs. Segway looks at me. “Anon, just don’t butt in on this, okay?” I simply stare at him for a minute before looking at Spearhead.

“So, who’s he crushing on?” I ask.

“No!” He whisper-yells.

“See the red mare over there, next to the baseball bats?” Spearhead asks. I look around and spot a red mare with flat, pink hair.

“Kay, watch this,” I say. Spearhead looks at me in confusion while I walk over to her. Segway’s confused as well. The mare’s checking out a bat as I walk up. “Yo, ma’am,” I call. She looks up and turns to me in confusion. “One of my friends thinks you’re hot,” I say, using my thumb to point at Segway. “He’s the one that acts like a complete wuss.” The mare blinks and looks at Segway. He yelps and tries to act like nothing’s wrong, while Spearhead just points his hoof at Segway. The mare just stares on before turning to me.

“Really?” She asks. I nod.

“You should check him out, he’s a nice guy, but he can be really stupid,” I warn. She snickers.

“Alright, thank you,” she says, trotting towards Segway. I walk over as well, towards Spearhead. Segway tries to act macho, as if nothing’s wrong, but everyone can see he’s wishing he was dead. “Hey, cutie, come with me,” the mare orders. Segway jumps and looks at the mare in surprise. She smiles and turns around, starting to trot away. Segway stares for a second before humbly walking over to her. Spearhead snickers as they walk off.

“How’d you know that would work?” He asks. I shrug.

“Dunno, just didn’t care enough to think about it,” I say. He scoffs, but doesn’t press into it any further. We continue to look around the store, looking for any tennis rackets. I start getting frustrated as I realize there isn’t anything tennis related in the store. I look around and spot the cashier. I walk up to her with a frustrated expression. “Hey, is there any tennis equipment around?” I ask. The mare scoffs.

“Tennis isn’t a real sport, you just hit a ball with a paddle,” she says. I scoff right back.

“So? Hoofball is just running with and kicking a ball to opposite ends of a field. Basketball is just throwing a ball into something that isn’t even a fucking basket to begin with, and soccer is just kicking a ball into a goddamn net,” I point out. The mare sighs.

“Look, we don’t have tennis equipment, whether you like it or not,” she says. Spearhead trots up behind me.

“Seriously? Nothing at all?” He asks. The mare nods.

“But that’s stupid!” I point out. Spearhead puts a hoof to my back in an attempt to grab my attention.

“Look, you know what, it’s fine Anon, let’s just go find-“

“No! I refuse to believe this bullshit!” I yell. The mare sighs.

“Security!” She yells. Instantly, I hear two big stallions walk into the store. They both stop upon seeing me.

“Holy Celestia, Anon?” One of them asks with an accent. I stop and look over to find Dusty Powder, dressed in a blue uniform with the word ‘Security’ on his chest.

“Dusty? Where the hell have you been for the past seven months!?” I ask, smiling a little at him as the mare behind the counter is confused.

“Oh, you know! I do good things with life as soon as I got part time job! Wife is doing good-“

“Wait, wife?” Spearhead cuts in.

“Yes, I eloped with marefriend two months ago! That griffon always had my heart captured in her talons,” Dusty says, smiling a little. The guard next to him looks at me in confusion.

“You’re Anon?” He asks.

“Excuse me, but can you two please escort them out of here for unreasonable behavior?” The cashier asks impatiently. Dusty quirks an eyebrow at her.

“Unreasonable? Anon is best Inspector! If he has problem, there is reason,” he says. He turns to me. “So, what is reason?”

“They don’t sell tennis equipment,” I say, crossing my arms. Dusty stares at me for a minute before turning to the mare.

“Seriously? No tennis equipment?” He asks. The mare sputters. “What kind of sports ware shop does not sell tennis equipment?”

“S-so what if we don’t sell tennis equipment!” She yells.

“I mean, Inspector had good point,” he continues.

“Look, it’s just that this store doesn’t sell tennis equipment!” The mare explains.

“But yet, you have surf boards?” Dusty asks in genuine confusion.

Meanwhile...

Celestia sighs, leaving a freshly adjourned meeting. They just signed a treaty with the other half of the hippogriffs, the Crystal Empire, and zebras. Unlike the war treaty the griffons had signed into, the four countries that signed into this have agreed to help each other out during any crisis that will or might unfold. However, Celestia has one last meeting for today. The griffons. Sadly, she doesn’t have the luxury of meeting with Featherbird again. He will only go to Manehatten, and the meeting was to take place in Canterlot. Celestia walks down the royal-looking hallways of her castle. The hallway’s long, so she slows down a little to try and prolong the inevitable meeting. The Canterlot meeting will be held with her, and the griffon diplomat Dreamfeather. He’s the nephew of Featherbird, so Celestia is hoping he will be just as pleasant.

Celestia looks out the windows that line the right of the hall. It’s a nice day today for a meeting. Couple of clouds here and there. She smiles to herself. How she wishes to be those clouds, with no actual work to do other than sitting there for the sake of being there. She giggles softly. Of course, such a dream could not become real. It would be chaos without her. Ponies tend to jump to conclusions faster than they realize. If it wasn’t for her, there would have been many wars. When Luna left, it was much worse. It was a time when nightmares went rampant and gave ponies ideas of the worst case scenarios. If anything, it might have caused ponies to be specist.

However, with the return of Luna, things calmed down, but damage was to be repaired. It took almost ten years, but now ponies are more accepting. Celestia sighs to herself again. If only it was simple enough to be done at that point, but it had proven to be a constant struggle. The main problem is the fear deep within ponies. However, their fear is starting to disappear quickly. Celestia’s smile widens a little as she thinks of Twilight’s School of Friendship. It has certainly helped, that is for sure. Of course, it was not making the acceptance of creatures as fast as she had liked, though that changed when Anon stepped into the picture at the Manehatten Checkpoint. Celestia has to admit, she was uneasy about Anon being the inspector there. However, he has been exceeding all of her expectations by a large margin. Celestia honestly didn’t think he could pull off the flawless work that he has on the first day. He followed the rules, and only the rules. After the first day, she realized that he was fine.

Of course, every single noble that heard of this has objected to it strongly. A non-pony running an Equestrian Border? It was blasphemy to them. Yet, all of a sudden, Manehatten started being diverse in terms of species. Celestia realized that and looked into it a while back. She was shocked, if not mortified, by how many of the Passport Inspectors were specist. There were only a hoof full that weren’t, including Anon. Thus, many Checkpoints’ employees were fired and replaced. She then decided to have a yearly mandatory check on personal views. For all they know however, it’s just a regular meeting. She knows this is not the end-all-be-all kind of law, but she knows it will surely help.

She feels at peace as she takes the moment to keep staring out the window, at the blue, peaceful sky. She blinks out of her trance and sighs, remembering that now is not the time to gaze. She has a war to avoid.

The room Dreamfeather sits in is nice, spacious, and fancy. However, he’s still a little bored. After all, he expected Canterlot to be like Manehatten. Manehatten was interesting, with various creatures, shops, businesses, and entertainment! Canterlot was just... fancy. That’s not to say he does not appreciate such things, but after everyone congratulated him for being picked to attend this meeting, he kinda expected more. The table in front of him is made of wood, with a purple cloth draped over it. The floors and walls were a white marble, spotless and such. There was a big window, taking up the wall to the left of Dreamfeather. He stares through it, watching the blue sky. He scoffs.

“‘Canterlot’s the best place ever,’ they said. ‘Canterlot will be much more pleasant than Manehatten,’ they said,” he grumbles quietly. He thinks back to the ‘professional’ ponies that barely acknowledged his existence as he went through the city. “I must’ve misheard them, because this city has been disappointing.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” a new voice says in amusement. Dreamfeather jumps at the sudden sound of another pony’s voice. He sighs.

“Doesn’t anyone know how to knock?” He asks in agitation.

“Well, we thought that it would be nice to dismiss mine pleasantries of announcing our presence,” the voice answers, giggling a little. Dreamfeather turns to glare at the owner of the voice, but freezes when he sees the lunar princess. Princess Luna. He gulps and quickly bows. “Please, at this moment, we art equals.”

“Forgive me, I didn’t know it was you, Princess,” he says.

“Do not fear, it was an honest mistake,” she says. She uses her magic to pull a flask out from behind her. “Here, take a sip of this.” The griffon looks up and his face turns into one of confusion

“... Is there alcohol in that?” He asks. Luna nods.

“Verily.”

“... Alright,” Dreamfeather replies. He takes a hold of the flask and takes a swig of the liquid courage. He sighs and gives the diarch her flask back. “I would not have guessed one of the princesses was a drinker.” Luna nods, smiling.

“We hath realized that alcohol is a nice way for us to relax. We take a tiny sip when we art nervous,” she says. The griffons chuckles.

“It’s nice to see someone else that’s unprofessional,” he jabs. Luna giggles.

“Indeed. We hath come to this revelation when we started drinking with our bar buddy,” Luna says. “‘Twas a pleasant night indeed.”

“Bar buddy?”

“An intriguing creature indeed. His name is Anonymous, the only human on Equis- er, Earth,” Luna corrects herself. Dreamfeather quirks an eyebrow.

“This, ‘Anonymous’, you speak of, is he tall?” He asks. Luna nods. “... does he swear a lot?” Luna nods again.

“Yes, he is one of the most foul mouthed creatures I hath ever met. Ironically, he works at the Manehatten Border Checkpoint.” Dreamfeather laughs.

“Funny, I met him about a year ago,” he says. “He gave me something like a wake up call.” Luna nods.

“Indeed, he doth that for most creatures. We had returned the favor by sending him to therapy,” Luna says. Dreamfeather chuckles.

“I doubt he cared for it,” he says. Luna nods again. She’s choosing to leave out the fact that she might have been slightly tipsy during that time. And by slightly, I mean very drunk. After all, it’s pretty nerve-racking when you have to tell your friend that he’s pissed all the time and that he needs to fix it. Thus, Luna might have had twenty swigs too many. Ponies would wonder how Luna can chug fifty bottles of whiskey and stand still long enough to say ‘buck you’ in hundreds languages. The trick is, Luna’s drunk, but she’s able to be surprisingly coherent and stable... Luna makes a mental note to try and lay off the liquor for the rest of the day.

Celestia grumbles to herself as she traverses the hallways. “Me dammit, I live in this castle and even I can’t figure out where the Tartarus anywhere is,” she mumbles. Normally, she would have her metaphorical mask to hide her annoyance. However, she is losing patience fast since this meeting kinda depends on her to help Equestria and Griffonstone avoid a war. She finally finds a door in this Godforsaken place. She opens the door to find Luna and Dreamfeather laughing together. All the negative emotions she had felt before suddenly vanish, seeing her sister in such a good mood. She hasn’t been the same ever since the ‘therapy incident’. She actually felt horrible, but Anon doesn’t seem to mind nowadays... She thinks so anyway. “I hope I am not interrupting anything?” She asks, smirking. The griffon and princess stop immediately and stare at Celestia like deers in headlights.

“Princess! I’m sorry, I-“

“It’s quite alright, one would need to calm down for matters such as this,” Celestia says, sitting down on a chair at the table. The griffons quickly takes his place across from her. Luna sits next to her solar sister and pulls out a flask to sip on. She stops midway and sighs before capping it and putting it away. “Now, shall we begin?”

“Ahem, Princess Celestia, I would like to bring forth a rather urgent subject,” Dreamfeather starts. “It’s about the special forces we found. We need to-“

“I’ll answer your questions,” Celestia cuts in. “I have finally been given enough information to clearly assess the situation.” The griffon gives a small sigh.

“Good, so tell me, what happened?”

“Before the new year, one of the spec ops agents went missing, and we were worried. Thus, we sent forth another agent to recover the mia pony. As you can see, he did not return.”

“And why couldn’t you say this?”

“Because we needed to check something.”

“... How did you check it?” Celestia graces herself as she answers.

“We sent in a spy.” Celestia admits, this feels like this will start a war, however, being completely honest is probably the best choice right now.

“You what!?”

“We found out something even more urgent,” Celestia continues. The griffon tries to say something, but sighs and gestures for her to continue. “They were mind controlled.”

“... Yes, we figured out as much,” Dreamfeather says. “Anything else?”

“We had sent a group of agents to follow their hoofsteps. It was rather disturbing that we found out that we could not get far. However, we have concluded it was done by somepony’s magic.”

“Why the emphasis on pony?”

“Because this is not unicorn magic. Unicorns have a distinct trace. This was done by a pony, but it must have been either an earth pony or pegasus.”

“Celestia, this is troubling news to hear.”

“I know. However, there is more.” Dreamfeather furrowed his brow at that.

“What else?”

“There will be an attack. It will most likely be an attack on one of Equestria’s rulers,” Celestia says, making Dreamfeather raise an eyebrow.

“Why?”

“I do not know. All we know, is that this pony will attack in a week or so.”

“What will you do to prepare?”

“Leave that to us. However, I do have another bit of business to discuss with you.” Dreamfeather quirks an eyebrow.

“What?”

“We would like to include you in a treaty that we have drafted up,” Celestia says. Luna nods. Dreamfeather huffs.

“What’s it about?” Luna take the scroll from somewhere and places it on the table, turning it to face him. He quirks an eyebrow and looks at it. He looks up in confusion. “Aid upon any necessary needs?”

“It means that, unlike the treaty you made with the Minotaurs, we shall aid your country during various circumstances,” Celestia explains. “Not only for war.” Dreamfeather scoffs.

“What’s the real difference?”

“Their treaty allows them to be able to decline helping your country in terms of economy and famine. The only thing they actually have to do is lend soldiers, and even then they only have to send small groups that can retreat at any time.” Dreamfeather hums in interest, looking at the paper.

“I can see that the Crystal Empire and the Dictatorial Hippogriffian Queendom has signed. Do you plan on making any other country sign it?”

“I am planning to offer it to a few other countries, yes,” Celestia answers professionally.

“... Of course, I myself cannot sign it, I would have to take a copy of it to my country and come back. Is that acceptable?” Celestia and Luna nod simultaneously. “Good.” Dreamfeather starts to relax, but a troubling thought comes back to him. “Oh, before I forget, is there anything else you would like to share in terms of the events prior to this month?” Celestia sighs.

“No, other than that we ask that your country does not threaten us with war,” Celestia says tiredly.

“Do not worry Princess, while the explanation is unprofessionally late, I believe my higher ups will... somewhat understand it.” Celestia and Luna smile and nod in thanks. With that, Celestia clones the offered treaty, and Dreamfeather rolls it up to put it up. “I wish upon you farewell Princesses.”

“Farewell Dreamfeather, we hope that if any of your diplomats come back, it is with good news,” Celestia says. He nods and walks out of the room. He smiles to himself. Maybe there won’t be a war with them after all!

Meanwhile...

I keep my steady pace towards my house. Couldn’t find Segway after him and what’s-her-face went off to do whatever, and Spearhead went home to wrap up his girlfriend’s gift. I pass by the various grey buildings of Manehatten, with my own present for my special one. I got Whisk a plush bunny. I notice a hooded figure running in my direction in front of me. Judging by how the figure’s steps sound, it’s a griffon. “Hold up dude!” He yells. I quirk an eyebrow as he walks up to me. He pants as he takes a breath. “When your kid sets the rug on fire, it’s not his fault. Taking care of that cat is like an escort mission with legendary difficulty on.” I blink in complete confusion as the figure apparently looks up. I can just barely see his beak “Ah hell, I need to go.” He begins running again as I look at him in shock and confusion.

“... Dafuq?” I ask out loud. The figure stops, groans in frustration, and comes back to me.

“Lock up the evil voodoo book in a bank or something too,” he says, quickly turning around and running off. I just stand in place for a few minutes, trying to process what all he said.

“... You know what? Fuck it, don’t care anymore,” I say, returning to my original route. I keep the guy’s warning in mind though. I stop again as I finally realized he made a Back to the Future reference. “...” Wordlessly, I continue my walk, deciding that I really just don’t care right now. Right now, I gotta worry about wrapping this up quickly before Whisk can see it.

February 14, 20XXI

I sigh as I continue to check this stallion’s passport. “I really couldn’t give a fuck about your relationship problems,” I tell him. He scoffs.

“C’mon dude, I’m not expecting an answer for everything I-“

“No, I mean I have literally listened to everyone else’s sob story long enough to know for certain that I could not give a fuck,” I explain. The stallion blinks before glaring.

“Oh, I bet you have such a great relationship,” he says with a hint of venom.

“I do actually, gave her a gift this morning, and she loved it,” I say cheerfully, stamping the guy’s passport green. He huffs and takes his papers and enters his homeland. I sigh again and slump in my chair. It’s only Monday and I want to fucking die. It certainly didn’t help when Celestia sent me a letter to be wary of the entrants. Apparently, someone was planning to try and off one of Equestria’s princesses. This threat was received weeks ago. Thus I’ve been keeping a close eye on everyone as they go through the border. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”

The next entrant is a yak. “Human! We meet yet again!” He yells, making me smirk.

“Oh fuckin’ hell yeah! What da fuck brings you here!?”

“Meeting with princess! Yaks want part in treaty!” The yak yells, smiling despite talking about a serious subject. I frown at the mention of a treaty.

“Treaty?” I repeat.

“Yes! Ponies make treaty with half hippos and other ponies! Griffons might join, but also might not!” I feel a sense of historical deja vu.

“Huh. I hope it goes well,” I offer, giving him the green stamp. The yak nods, but stops smiling.

“Yak realizes that human is very stressed, so please-“ he stops to take something out of his bag. He holds it up to me with a smile. I look at it to find a golden figure of a yak in a triumphant pose. “Take present from yak!” I chuckle and take it. I place it on my desk, making it face me.

“Thank you,” I say. The yak nods and takes his papers. He gives me another energetic goodbye and leaves.

Suddenly, my door busts open, with a panicked Spearhead in the doorway. “Anon, close the Checkpoint,” he says. I give him a look of confusion as he rushes off to tell everyone else to stop. I lean towards the mic.

“I’m sorry everyone, but the border will be closed for the rest of the day due to an emergency,” I say. I hear a collective group of groans outside. I frown and lean back in. “That means get your shit and get out before the guards forcefully shows you the damn door.” I didn’t get any sassy reply that time.

I walk out of my office, and notice that it’s about noon. Strange. The clock said it was two o’clock. I frown and look around. No one’s here. I walk to my Management Building and enter through the front door. Immediately, I see a crowd of guards quietly listening to the radio. “- This is a national emergency! All Checkpoints, please close the borders!” I feel concern growing within me as the radio continues. “At eleven o’clock, A M this morning, the Crystal Empire had received the most devastating of blows! Princess Cadence, the princess of love, was the target of an assassination attempt!”

Author's Note

Oof, that’s some real hot tea.
Welp, back to the dank dungeon for me, I gotta write the next chapter!

Chapter 17: So, Some Shit Starts Up

I just sit in silence, doing paperwork, as I sit in my office chair while I wait for the emergency meeting to start. Protocality requires me to sit in the office until a superior of some kind comes in. In the meantime, I allowed Spearhead and Segway to keep me company. We learned some more info from the radio, the assassin was a hippogriff from the Hippogriffian-Seperatists. The assassin was caught shortly after trying to shoot at Cadence with a crossbow. Apparently, there was a parade to honor Heart and Hoove’s Day in the Crystal Empire. Of course, the princess of Love was kinda expected to attend. Spearhead is pacing in a small circle, while Segway sits in one of the chairs for guests. “I can’t believe it, Princess Cadence was attacked,” Segway says, with genuine nervousness in his voice, never lifting his head.

“I know! Why would anypony want to attack Cadence!” Spearhead exclaims, clearly distressed.

“She’s probably the safest one to take out, considering she doesn’t handle the giant spherical rock or the billions of continuous explosions above our heads,” I say, never looking up from my paperwork.

“So!? She’s the princess of love!” Spearhead says, still confused. “And to do it on Hearts and Hoove’s Day!”

“Heh, where I’m from, love is considered expendable in certain situations,” I mutter absentmindedly. Spearhead stops pacing to glare at me.

“Well, I’m not talking about your species, am I!? No, I’m talking about my species, because right now, my species matters to me a lot bucking more than yours!” He yells. I started staring at him with wide eyes the moment he raised his voice. Segway’s still staring at the floor, lost in his own tangle of thoughts apparently. I put down my papers as Spearhead pants.

“Alright, you have a point,” I say calmly. “But right now, we need to remain calm.”

“Remain calm!? A princess almost got assassinated!” He yells.

“True, but she’s not dead,” I remind him. “Besides, Equestria can’t actually do anything right now.” I pick my paper back up and went back to reading as I talk. “Remember, Equestria and the Crystal Empire have close ties, going as far as to have most of our laws. However, they are still considered as an independent nation, thus they’re the ones who can say whether they want a war or not. Hell, they’re the ones who can say whether Equestria can join in on the party.” I take a moment to write ‘fuck you’ on the paper.

“Still, this is serious!” Spearhead argues.

“I never said it wasn’t. I’m merely trying to remain calm under the rather grim circumstances,” I say. I look over at Segway to see he’s spaced out, staring at the floor. “Yo, Segway, you alright?” I ask. He blinks out of his trance and looks up. Spearhead looks at Segway and sighs.

“What?” He asks.

“Segway, we’re under a national crisis, and you’re dozing!?” Spearhead yells. Segway flinches. “How in Tartarus did you even finish boot camp!?” I look up at him tiredly.

“Alright, Spearhead, calm down, he’s as shaken as you are-“

“Don’t bucking talk like you know what we’re feeling!” Spearhead lashes out, rage being the only thing he probably feels. I sigh.

“Look, I didn’t-“

“Aren’t you the one who told us that the princesses are stupid!? Aren’t you the one who mocks all of us!?” He rages on, stomping a hoof to emphasize his point. “You act all smart all the bucking time, like everyone else is an idiot! I refuse to listen to something like, ‘calm down’, when there is an obvious crisis that you are ignoring!” I furrow my brow.

“I am not ignoring it, I am taking it seriously,” I say. Segway clears his throat.

“Look, I think we should all calm down-“ The sounds of a pop interrupts everyone. Lo and behold, Princess Celestia stands before my desk, wearing a grim face. Spearhead instantly bowed, along with Segway. I just stare at her, awaiting for orders. Now really isn’t the time to be funny after all.

“Princess! Is Princess Cadence alright?” Spearhead asks. Celestia turns to him with a slight smile.

“She’s fine Spearhead,” Celestia soothes. Spearhead and Segway breathe a sigh of relief. “The hippogriff we caught, however, clearly wasn’t. He was hypnotized.” The room went silent.

“What?” I ask. Celestia sighs.

“Anon, I can give you certain secrets, but we need privacy,” she says. I look at her in confusion before nodding towards my friends. They understood immediately and nod back before exiting. Celestia’s horn glows, and the room suddenly becomes quieter. I guess Manehatten’s noisier than I remember. “Anon, there is something you should know.”

“If it’s something I should know, you should probably say what it is without going through the trouble of saying, ‘there’s something you should know’,” I deadpan. Celestia sighs.

“Anon, the border will change in a way you might not like,” she continues. I quirk an eyebrow. “... I believe I have to shut it down for certain countries.” I feel my jaw drop. “I know this is not a good option, but the nobles have forced my hoof-“

“Bullshit,” I interrupt. Celestia stops.

“... Excuse me?”

“I call bullshit. There is no way in hell someone forced you to make that decision,” I say, crossing my arms. Celestia sighs.

“Believe it or not, I’m not all-powerful in the world of politics,” she says in irritation.

“True, but this a decision you should make, right?” I ask. She stares at me for a minute.

“The ponies would be in an outrage-“

“Well, they’re racist asshats, so fuck ‘em,” I say, shrugging. Celestia stares at me for another moment before giggling.

“I wish I had someone like you as a noble,” she admits, smiling a little.

“God no, Equestria would be fucked over within the month,” I scoff. “In any case, what should I do then?”

“... I suppose the Checkpoint can be converted into a temporary base,” Celestia says. “Since you are the current manager of the Checkpoint, you’ll have to come to the base to manage resources, supplies, weapons, and soldiers.”

“That’s a lot of trust being thrusted into me,” I point out. Celestia scoffs.

“Anon, I would trust you with my life faster than most pony nobles. Don’t let that get to your head.”

“No, I already knew that,” I say. “Ponies aren’t exactly as mature as they should be half the time.”

“Indeed. Now, any questions?”

“Yeah, are the Equestrians actually going to war?” I ask. She sighs.

“Yes.”

I nod in grim silence. “... The griffons?”

“What about them?”

“Do I need to worry about Whisk?” I ask. “I heard the griffons signed a treaty with the Minotaurs.”

“No, it turns out that they never actually signed it. They merely received it. Judging from the messages we have been receiving recently, I doubt they will be signing anyone’s treaty.”

“Economy?” I guess.

“Yes,” Celestia confirms.

“Great,” I sarcastically say, dragging my hands down my face. “So, at least we know that’s one enemy less.”

“Try to be more positive Anon,” Celestia says with the same level of enthusiasm.

“I am positive, you’re just not negative enough,” I mock. She chuckles.

“How accurately put,” she says.

“So, when is the place turning into an Army base?” I ask. At that moment, Segway and Spearhead burst into the door.

“Anon! The place is getting shut down!” Segway yells.

“Yeah! They’re turning it into-“ Spearhead stops as he sees Celestia. I look at them in confusion.

“... Yeah... I figured,” I say, eyeing Celestia suspiciously. She sees my look and smiles knowingly. That bitch. “Did you just test me?” I ask her. She nods as both guards salute Celestia and back out awkwardly.

“I needed to do that to make sure the Checkpoints are in good hooves.” I sigh. “Remember Anon, manage resources, guards, and weaponry carefully.”

“Please, for the love of God, don’t give me a babysitting job with your guards.” Celestia manages to giggle at my seriousness.

“I admit, they may be dense at times,” she says. She frowns as she recomposes herself. “However, the soldiers I am sending here are needed.” She sighs. “Great, I forgot to go to a conference. Excuse me for a moment.” With that, she vanishes with a spell.

“... Fucking magic,” I mutter, looking at some paperwork to pass the time.

Meanwhile…

Celestia appears in front of a stand full of microphones, pointed at her muzzle. In front of her, is a crowd of ponies and reporters. She sighs on the inside and puts on her regal mask. “Now, one at-“ her sentence is never finished before a sound interrupts her. Instantly, a magical shield is up around her, blocking a crossbow’s bolt from piercing the shield. Celestia looks on with shock before turning to see a guard’s horn alight.

“Who fired that shot!?” A guard calls as chaos erupts from the crowd. Suddenly, a pony jumps from the crowd, a knife in his mouth. He is quickly seized by Celestia’s magic and forced onto the ground. The reporters and cameraponies went nuts at the events, instantly taking photos and shouting questions. Celestia’s blood runs cold at the sight of the pony. A crossbow, a combat knife, and equipment given to a selected few of her guard.

He was a spec op agent.

The guards take him away as Celestia is bombarded with questions. Celestia tries to answer them as best she can. In her mind however, questions of her own pile up.

Meanwhile...

The Minotaur King sighs as he sits on his throne. He awaits patiently for news of his mysterious ally. This ally he waits for is a strange one indeed. She seems to be a pony, but her mind is something else. If he’d known better, he would’ve guessed that she was a daughter of that Discord creature. The king was hesitant on accepting help from a pony of all creatures, but what she promised him is certainly worth it. The ability to conquer lands like the ancient times? What sensible minotaur would pass that up? The plan the little pony made was sensible by Minotaur standards too! Want to destabilize a country of Harmony? De-harmonize it. Spread confusion and chaos! Be sure to make them question who to trust! They’ll never get anything done at that rate! The king smiles and chuckles. His guards beside his throne quirk an eyebrow.

“Um, King? What’s so funny?” A guard asks. The king sighs.

“Nothing. Just a thought.”

“What were you thinking?” The guard asks. The other guard gasps excitedly.

“Is it about those weird sandwiches the changelings came up with? Big Macs?” The other guard asks, drooling a little at the very thought of the food. The Minotaur King simply sighs. Educational systems should probably be set up next. Suddenly, a guard walks in quickly, with a worried frown.

“Sir, she is here.” The King raises a brow.

“She? Which she?” He asks. The guard clears his throat.

“You know, her?” The King simply deadpans at the guard.

“The term is a broad pronoun sergeant, I would greatly appreciate a bit more of the specifics,” he hisses. The guard coughs uncomfortably.

“Right, sorry. I meant the pony,” he says in embarrassment. The King sighs.

“Look, I know everyone has a thing for dramatics, but please take it more seriously in the future,” he says, gesturing for the guard to continue. The guard goes back to bring the equine guest. Definitely investing in education. The small pony walks into the throne room, concealed by the cloak surrounding her. The King smiles. “Pony! It is nice to see you! How did our little operations go?” The pony smiles, definitely not in a creepy as fuck way.

“It’s going exactly accordingly to my plan,” she says. “Now, I just need to teach you something, my King.” The minotaur raises an eyebrow in confusion. Suddenly, two arrows are sticking out of the guards beside the king. The King doesn’t have enough time to react as the pony takes out an orb. “You’re under my control.” The pony smiles wickedly as the red Minotaur’s eyes turn into swirls, signifying a successful mind control attempt. The pony returns the orb into her robes and looks out a window, in Equestria’s general direction. Her glare would send chills down anyone’s spine. “Soon,” she mutters to herself. She looks back at the King. “You will anoint me as Crown-Advisor. You will wage a war that will shatter the trust of Equestria.”

“Yes, mistress,” the King says. Hypnosis is certainly nice. As long as you don’t screw up badly, it’ll be hard to tell if the victim is hypnotized.

“Good. Now come, we must announce my ‘promotion’,” the pony says, smiling widely.

Meanwhile...

I sit on the couch, next to Whisk as we watch television. Whisk has been trying to say something for an hour now. As in, she opens her mouth, but closes it almost immediately and acts like she’s yawning. It’s starting to get a little tiresome. As we watch an ad, I stretch. “Welp, I’m going to go to bed. I have no doubt that I’ll be busy tomorrow.” I see absolute panic and terror flash on her face as I get up. Not gonna lie, that’s funny as hell.

“Wait!” She almost yells. I stop and turn to her. She reaches over and pulls out a frame. She hands it to me, blushing a little. I look at the frame to see a picture of Whisk in black and white. She’s in the middle of winking at the camera, holding up a P sign with her left claw. The writing on the bottom says, ‘I’ll always love you.’ I’m actually a little shocked by the gift, but I quickly remind myself that Whisk is much nicer than... anyway, I shove the bad thoughts to the back of my head and smile.

“Thanks, but something’s missing,” I say, getting an idea. As Whisk looks at me in confusion, I quickly pluck a purple feather from her wing. She yells in surprise, and glares at me until I put the feather in the frame. “There, now it’s perfect,” I say. Whisk sighs, blushing.

“You could have waited for me to shed some feathers,” she mutters.

“That would take too long,” I say, pecking her head before continuing my way to bed. I open the door and pause when I see the bed. “... Whiiiiisk? Why is there a pack of condoms thrown onto the bed?” I see Whisk’s expression turn to terror out of the corner of my eye.

Earlier...

Whisk groans as she walks out of the photo booth. She should’ve gotten something weeks ago! But noooo, she just haaad to wait a little. It’s already noon, and Whisk doesn’t have anything to show for it, except for a stupid picture. She knows Anon would be fine with just a picture, but she wants to show that he means a lot! She seriously doubts that giving him a picture of herself is going to give off that vibe. She face claws. Right, now she has to- her thoughts are interrupted by a sound. She looks around to find a robotic pony. “Hello! My name is Steve! My creator accidentally won a prize, and we saw you! She is too shy to give you this gift, so I brought it over!” He hands her a large cardboard box. Whisk looks at it in confusion as Steve walks off. She opens it to peek inside and gasps. It’s literally a box of condoms. She looks around to see she’s alone on the street. She looks back down at the contents and thinks.

She closes the box and starts walking. She whistles a tune as she decides to keep it. Now, the trouble of bringing this up to Anon without suspicion...

Present

I just stare at Whisk for a minute before nodding.

“And, that’s how I got them,” she finishes up. On the inside, I’m fucking dying of laughter. “I-I know it’s hard to believe-“

“Alright, that makes sense,” I say. She stops and stares at me.

“What?”

“Yeah, I met Steve. His creator’s a mare, and I doubt she gave him the equipment to use condoms-“

“Hold up, I just told you that I got a box of condoms from a robot that got it from a competition, and you believe me?” Whisk asks, looking at me incredulously.

“A dildo bitch slapped me once, I’m sure anything’s possible by that point,” I answer with a shrug. Whisk looks at me in concerned confusion. “Remember the evil spell book I told you about?” It instantly clicks and Whisk nods. I cross my arms. “That’s one reason why I refuse to use it. It’s too damn Latin.”

“Latin?”

“A language.”

“Okay, but how can it be too Latin?”

“I have to be specific with what I say in Latin,” I explain. “The book’s a complete grammar nazi.” Whisk starts to ask a question, probably regarding why I requested something that apparently had something to do with a dildo, but stops as she realizes that she’s too damn tired to care. I look down the hallway as I think about what the hell I’m going to do with all that rubber. “... Alright then, come on,” I suddenly say, walking towards the bedroom. Whisk blinks before scrambling to follow me.

“W-what are you doing?”

“There’s only one use for condoms, and I suddenly have a shit ton,” I begin. Whisk’s wings begin rising as she blushes. I look at her as I open the door. “I may not be a horse, but I certainly have the stamina,” I say with a straight face.

I wake up, shirtless and comfy, in my bed with Whisk. I slowly open my eyes and look around. It’s early in the morning, but I should go ahead and get up. If soldiers start messing with my shit at the office, I swear to God I’ll wring someone’s neck. I carefully pick Whisk off of me, like a cat, and set her down beside me. I give a drowsy smile to myself as I gaze upon the adorableness of Whisk. I sigh quietly and get up. I go through my morning rituals before plopping down on the couch. Whisk isn’t up yet, and it’s almost five thirty. I sigh. Looks like I was a little too much for her last night. I smile at that thought, realizing I haven’t lost my touch. I yawn and turn on the television to watch some news. I look at the headline before widening my eyes.

“Yesterday, at two in the afternoon, Princess Celestia survived an assassination attempt, done by what appears to be a highly trained terrorist!” The newspony reports, looking a little shaken. I groan and rub my face. The world’s going to shit really fast. “Not only that, but Celestia has announced that Equestria will aid the Crystal Empire in their war. We do not know many details as of yet, but as soon as we do, we’ll let you know,” the pony says before clearing his throat uncomfortably. “Now, back to Dewy.” As the news carries on, I sigh. I get up and grab my coat. I write a quick note to Whisk before I head out the door. I have the sneaking suspicion I should get to my office early.

I arrive at the Checkpoint, and I can’t help but be surprised by the amount of change that has transpired. There is now a barbed-wire fence surrounding the area. The wall has some barbed wire on top of it too. There are dozens of army tents set up, as well as a makeshift shooting range for unicorns and pegasi. Catapults lined the outskirts of the area, ready to fire at any enemies foolish enough to try and cross the border. The path I walk to get to the area has a smaller ID Checkpoint set up. Despite how early it is, ponies are already hustling around, delivering and managing various resources with wagons. Those that didn’t use wagons just carried whatever they were supposed to transport. As I walk up, I get stopped by the Checkpoint. It’s a simple booth on the side of the road, with a long bar to stop vehicles and ponies. The pony inside saluted as he saw me.

“Sir, you’re early,” he says, raising the bar for me. I walk through as he calls someone to come over. An elder, muscular earth pony with some green camo-clothing walks up. He has a grey coat, wearing a hat to cover his maneless head.

“Anonymous?” The veteran asks. I nod. “Good. Come with me.” He turns and starts walking. “Here’s the situation, this Checkpoint has been converted into an occupied military checkpoint. You will be making sure that whatever comes from outside Equestria is in line with Equestria’s laws of military transport, which will be in a book on your desk. Do not deviate from your post at any time in the next sixteen hours. The management of the Checkpoint will still be under your control, but it will have to be done at your home. The management building here has been repurposed for military purposes.” I frown at the thought of longer hours, but I keep my mouth shut. It’s the military, the less I interfere, the easier it will be for them to work. I doubt they want someone that’s not really Equestrian to be able to accidentally eavesdrop on their plans. “Oh, and you have three strikes,” the pony continues. He looks over at me with a stoic expression. “Celestia may have vouched for you, but you’re still on thin ice. We can always get someone else to do the job,” he says coldly.

“Alright,” I casually reply. I look around as we walk. I can see Spearhead and Segway marching with a group of soldiers. Their armor looks new, and their weapons were certainly sharper. I felt some chills go down my back as I watch them. Normally, ponies wouldn’t be this serious. I sigh and recompose myself. Now’s not the time to get freaked out by my friends. I continue to follow the soldier, noting the various changes around the Checkpoint. We finally arrive to my office. It’s literally the only thing that’s unchanged. I step inside to find the swivel chair, the desk, a different book, two stamps, and the shutters. The pony salutes me before walking off to do whatever he normally does. I give a half-assed salute back, and close the door. I sit in my chair and look at the book. I open it up and read the new set of rules.

All documents required must be present and non-expired.
Entrants must have a military-certified pass and identification card. No exceptions.
Entrants must be tested for DNA. No exceptions.
Entrants must go through being scanned. No exceptions.
Weapons that are not mentioned by the military pass are to be confiscated.
No illegal contraband.
All entrants must be free from enchantments of any kind.
Diplomats are required to have diplomatic papers and a letter of authorization.
Non-military personnel are to be denied.

I sigh and look at the clock. It’s almost six. I look at my desk and start pulling out the drawers. My crossbow’s still intact, but I am only given two sets of lethal bolts. I continue to look through my desk. I have a small medical box in one drawer, a small box labeled ‘rations’, my walkie-talkie, and various random objects that I had stuffed in there for the past year. I look back at the clock to see it’s time to start. I lean towards the mic. “Next!” I sit down and wait for the first entrant. I continue to wait.

...... Okay, what the hell? I raise an eyebrow as I look at the clock. It’s six thirty now. I scratch my head in confusion. I stop as I realize this is a military Checkpoint now, which means civilians might not even come close to the place. I sigh. Today’s going to be boring as hell. I yawn, lean back, and cross my arms. I should’ve brought a deck of cards. Maybe I could’ve played solitaire. I smirk. Hell, maybe I should’ve gotten that new gaming device that came out. It’s basically the Gameboy. I suddenly remember that I forgot to bring Whisk’s picture. “Fuck!” I curse out loud, face palming with both hands. The one thing I forget. I groan and sit back. I can’t do anything about it now, I’ll have to wait until I get home. As I incoherently grumble to myself, an entrant enters. I stop grumbling and look up to see a solider. He walks up and hands me various papers.

“There are eleven more after me,” he states. I nod and start looking through the papers.

“Face the scanner,” I say as I look through his documents. I press the x-ray button subconsciously. After I hear two clicks, I hand the guy an ink pad. As he puts down his hoofprints, I check his weight and height, comparing it to his document’s description. The printer under my desk clicks away, printing a verification of identity as I receive the ink-prints. After comparing, checking the papers again, and stamping the papers with green, he walks out. I frown as I realize this takes up a good bit of time. I sigh and lean towards the mic. “Next!”

The next ten ponies were allowed to pass, but the last one pissed me off. He comes into the room with a smirk, which is dropped upon seeing me. He frowns deeply actually. “What are you doing here?” He asks. I quirk an eyebrow.

“Is the racism thing still a thing?” I ask.

“You’re not qualified to be here,” the soldier says. I roll my eyes.

“If I wasn’t qualified, I wouldn’t be here,” I reply. The soldier stares at me for a minute before reluctantly giving me his papers.

“Don’t mess up,” he says. I furrow my brow at him.

“Face the scanner,” I say.

“For what?” The soldier asks.

“I dunno, it’s a rule,” I say.

“No it’s not. I can report you for-“ I take his papers and hover the red stamp over it.

“If you refuse to follow protocol, you will not be allowed to pass,” I say coldly.

“It’s not protocol,” the soldier argues. I stamp his paper red and give it back to him.

“I’m not going to repeat myself,” I say. He takes his papers aggressively and walks out. “... Fucking asshole,” I mutter.

Later on, as I was going through a couple entrants, one of the first soldiers that went through came to me to offer apologies for their rookie’s insubordination. I told them not to worry about it and continue on with my day. I decided to write down how much free time I’ve had around noon, and realized that I could be doing shit while waiting for the next entrant. Like, a lot of shit. I grumble to myself as I wait. Suddenly, someone knocks on my office’s door. I look over to see it’s one o’clock. “Come in!” I call. The door opens, revealing a worried looking Segway.

“H-hey Anon, can I talk to you about something?” He asks. I quirk an eyebrow at his behavior, but nod.

“Yeah, come in, tell me what’s up,” I say. Normally, I’d be messing with him by now. However, seeing how worried Segway looks, I don’t think that’s a good idea.

“So, Anon, hypothetically speaking,” he starts. I frown. He fucked up. I know he fucked up. “If I did something really wrong, but I regret it, what should I do?”

“... Okay, Segway, what did you do?” I ask. He sighs.

“I really don’t want to talk about it,” he says. “Can you just, answer the question?”

“Segway, I have a different response for various situations. You have to tell me what kind of bullshittery you committed,” I say, crossing my arms. He opens his mouth to speak, but fails to talk. He looks down in shame. Suddenly, I had an idea of what he fucked up. “... Did that chick from two weeks ago break up with you?” I ask. He looks at me with a face of confusion. “Dude, if you fucked up with her, apologize to her. If she fucked up with you, you need to find someone else if she refuses to apologize,” I say. He blinks before nodding.

“Uh, yeah! Thanks man,” he says unconvincingly, smiling nervously. I frown even deeper at his bullshit.

“... What’s wrong Segway?” I ask. He sighs.

“... I can’t tell you,” he says. I keep my arms cross as I give him a stern look.

“... Fine,” I reply. He smiles weakly.

“Thanks. By the way, me and Cherry Batter are doing great!” Segway says, changing the subject almost instantly. “She took me out to a nice restaurant and everything!”

“You didn’t let her pay, right?” I ask. He groans.

“I tried to pay for it, but she insisted that she should. Her reasoning was, ‘I can’t make such a cute colt pay for this!’” He says, smiling a little. “Dude, she’s literally the nicest mare I have ever met!” I chuckle as he continues to talk about his new marefriend.

Finally, after a good couple hours and a few entrants, I look at the clock to see it’s almost eight at night. I sigh. Keeping Equestria safe, one wasted minute at a time. I perk up as I hear the door open. I look up to see Luna, with an expression I’m all too familiar with. “Do you crave death?” I ask. She nods. “First, papers. Protocol,” I say, holding out a hand. She hands me her papers and I quickly look over them. With everything in order, I stamp with green and she exits. My office door opens, and Luna walks in. I can see dark circles under her eyes.

“Anon, today was not a day to trifle with,” she mutters, teleporting a chair into the room to sit next to me.

“Lay it on me,” I say. She nods and yawns before talking.

“We hath just left the Minotaur country. They officially declare war,” she says. I nod.

“I figured.”

“So now, we art at war with three countries. Minotaurs, Hippogriff Separatists, and Dragons.”

“Does Equestria have any allies?”

“Indeed. We hath the Crystal Empire, the Hippogriffian Monarchy, and various Zebrican tribes.”

“Cool. Griffonstone gonna do anything?”

“No. They requested to be left out, along with the Moose, Changelings, and Yaks.”

“Hm. How long do you think the war will last?” I ask, stretching.

“A few years at minimum,” Luna says. I sigh.

“So, this set up’s gonna last for a while then?”

“Verily.”

“Damn.”

“Indeed.”

We keep talking for a little while, getting the occasional interruption from soldiers and officials. We talked about how Whisk’s family was doing. They’re doing well so far. I asked her why she made Twilight my therapist, and she told me that she was kinda drunk. I call bullshit, but it’s the best answer I’ll get. She told me various things going on around the world. Griffons found out that they had something rather valuable in their lands. Liquified magic. Liquified magic is condensed magic used for potions and fuels for various technologies. Apparently, liquid magic is used for stuff like airships, anything that uses electricity, and certain projects that haven’t been released to the public yet. I have some theories, but I doubt any of them are solid. Celestia had talked about them, but I just couldn’t find enough shits to give. Anyway, ten o’clock rolls around. I hear the horn to leave, and yawn. Before I could move though, Luna stops me.

“Anon, a word of warning. As we said, the declaration of war has rung out. There may be terrorist groups of larger quantities now. Thus, we hath decided to give you something.” Luna’s horn glows, and an object appears on my desk. It’s fully made of metal, with the stock extended a little. I notice a cartridge attached. “We wanted to personally deliver this to you. Remember though, ‘tis is only for emergencies.” I quirk an eyebrow.

“Aren’t terrorist attacks normally considered emergencies?” I ask.

“Verily, but we mean worse emergencies. Such as battalions of soldiers trying to get in,” she says. I hum in interest as I inspect the weapon.

“You know, I didn’t sign up for this,” I point out.

“Thou knowest that we picked thou off thine streets,” she says, putting a bit more emphasis in her ‘ye dumber times’ accent. I roll my eyes.

“In any case, thanks,” I genuinely say, smiling a little. She nods.

“In return, thou oweth us a light debt,” she proclaims. I give her an unamused look. “Not of money matters, mind you. We shall let thou knowest one day.” She starts preparing to teleport. I hold up a hand.

“Didn’t you send me to therapy with the cause of my problem?” I ask. She clears her throat.

“We were drunk,” she defends quickly before teleporting out. I smirk, setting the crossbow down in my desk. I have some paperwork to get to.

Several weeks pass, with very little action going on at the Checkpoint. The war is going on, but no progress has been made. Both sides were attacking, and neither could get much ground. Each side had terrorized the other in terms of naval, aerial, and ground combat. A week ago, the enemies started to bomb the Checkpoints with their dragons. Equestria thought it would be just as impactful if they sent propaganda, like posters and fliers, instead of bombs. I heard that the posters were replacing toilet paper. Celestia has been trying to make an agreement with the other side, but they refuse to listen.

Poisonous gases have been reported to be used in combat. At first, when our allies had asked Equestria to do the same, they absolutely refused. However, the enemy kept using it. Thus, Equestria reluctantly decided to allow our allies to use it. However, Equestrians weren’t allowed.

Moreover, Equestria has asked Griffonstone to help. They reluctantly declined, surprising everyone. However, they suggested that they could ship some equipment over. Sadly, the enemies went ahead and took out most transportation ships and airships. Since the cost was outweighing the profit, the griffons stopped. I noted how eerily similar Griffonstone was to America. In any case, the ponies’ opinions about griffons were a little worse after they stopped helping.

Whisk and I have been receiving dirty looks a lot more often, mostly from ponies though. But since ponies are the stupidest creatures in terms of acceptance and equality, as well as possessing the average intelligence of a human six year old, I take it with a grain of salt.

Celestia has been trying to keep the peace in Equestria as undisturbed as possible, despite the world wide war raging on. Spearhead and Segway have had very little time to hang out with me, which I understand. Whisk’s bar is still doing great, but she’s thinking of being a cook at a restaurant. Of course, I started to get back into the old habits of cursing at people. I don’t do it at home, but that doesn’t mean I won’t do it everywhere.

So now, here we are. A month into the war with nothing to show for it. Today’s my day off, where I can fuck off to Sleepville for five more hours. At least, I should have been able to.

I hear a crash from the kitchen window all the way from my bedroom. I jerk awake as Whisk keeps sleeping peacefully. I stretch and yawn as I look at the time calmly. Four in the morning. “Either Derpy’s early, or there’s a burglar,” I quietly mutter as I get up. I’m not really that strong, but a hit to the nuts is all I need to do some real damage. I silently walk through the hallway, hearing a few voices.

“Scootaloo! You alright!?” A young, southern voice whisper-yells. It instantly clicks and I facepalm.

“I’m fine! How was my landing?” Scootaloo asks in the same volume.

“You crashed through a window!” Another, slightly squeaky voice answers.

“Well... Yeah... But how did it look?” Scootaloo repeats. I step into the dark kitchen, flipping the light on. The light reveals Scootaloo in the middle of the room, shards of glass around the floor, Applebloom on the counter, and Sweetie Belle climbing in through the window. Everyone jumps as they see me. They all stay still, frozen as they stare at me.

“In my opinion, it looked stupid and dangerous,” I say, crossing my arms.

“M-Mr Anon!” Scootaloo says, smiling nervously, along with the other two.

“W-whatever happened to your window?” Sweetie Belle asks innocently.

“I dunno. I just heard some idiots crash through it,” I say, unimpressed.

“Hey! We’re not idiots!” Scootaloo says. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle glare at Scootaloo as she realizes her mistake. “I-I mean, uh, it’s been so long dude! I-“

“I already know it’s you three,” I interrupt, walking past them to the basement door.

“We’re sorry Mr-“ I cut Applebloom off by holding up my hand.

“Don’t care, let me sweep up the glass first so that it won’t cut you,” I say. “Then, you’re gonna explain to me why the three of you aren’t in Ponyville.” I open the basement door and go down a few steps.

“Please don’t be angry!” Sweetie Belle calls.

“Don’t worry, I’m not angry!” I call back. “Derpy breaks it whenever she comes to my house. Besides, I’m too tired to be angry anyway!” I climb back up the stairs with a broom and dust pan, find that the trio of fillies are still in the room, in a line, looking down in shame. “Oh lighten up, the window isn’t that expensive,” I say, sweeping the glass into the pan. I take the glass to the trash can and dump it in before turning to the guilty party. “No one’s hurt right?” I ask. Sweetie Belle starts to say something, but Scootaloo holds her mouth with her hoof. “Right, come on Scootaloo,” I say, walking to the bathroom. Thank God peroxide has the expiration date of a Twinkie. I’m amazed that Whisk is still asleep.

“I’m not hurt! I’m totally fine!” Scootaloo protests.

“Where’s the injury Applebloom?” I call from the bathroom, rummaging around for some bandaids.

“Her right foreleg!” She calls back. I hear the sound of a whack. “What? You know AJ doesn’t like me lying!” I can’t help but smile in amusement. I admit, it’s nice to hear the three of them again. It’s been a couple years since I’ve seen them.

The crusaders have been very friendly towards ever since I got to Equestria. Of course, when I say friendly, I mean they tried to earn their ‘monster slaying’ cutie marks with wooden swords and shields. They broke so much stuff in my old house in all of their attempts at cutie marks. That’s why I kinda grew tolerant of ponies breaking shit. However, whenever I was just hanging out in town square, or visiting the farm for apples, I would somehow run into the little terrors. It took a little while, but the three of them warmed up to me. Sometimes, whenever any of them wanted advice about homework, I’d give a little bit of help. However, I got dragged into a few cutie mark experiments. Sadly, I could not resist them due to the fact that they had access to instant puppy dog eyes. I return to the kitchen to see Scootaloo’s foreleg has a small trail of blood. Not life threatening, of course, but I still start tending to it.

“Why do you always do this? I’m almost an adult now! I can take care of myself!” Scootaloo protests. I give her an unamused glance.

“So, almost being an adult, you crash through someone’s window in a city you don’t live in?” I ask, wiping the peroxide off.

“Well, I gotta go out with a bang right?” She says. I sigh as Applebloom snickers. Sweetie belle sighs with me, facehoofing. I place the bandaid on the scratch before standing up. Now that I look at them, I realize they’re almost as tall as their sisters or parents. I smirk a little.

“Uh huh. Nice. Now, are ya gonna tell me why you three are here?” I ask. Applebloom chuckles nervously.

“Well, Scootaloo and I aren’t supposed to be here. We’re following Sweetie Belle!” She says. I quirk an eyebrow at the mention pony. She nods to confirm Applebloom’s statement.

“... Alright, that makes sense. Sorta. Now, why did you crash through my window?” I ask them. All three of the fillies look out the window, as if something interesting’s out there. I cross my arms. “Look, I can be here all day. Your sisters can travel here as well.” I kneel down to be at eye level with them. They all look at each other in embarrassment. “So, If you want to be here today, I would like to know why.”

“... We kinda need a place to stay...” Applebloom says. I quirk an eyebrow and sigh.

“Come on, let’s go to the living room,” I say, shaking my head.

We all sit in the living room. Well, the trio sit on the couch while I sit on a beach chair. I take a sip of my coffee mug as I look behind myself at the TV. The news is reporting about a new blockbuster hit, Emi Wants To Play. It’s a horror movie. “Now, we all comfy?” I ask, looking at the fillies. They all nod nervously, sipping on their various drinks. Scootaloo’s drinking orange juice, Applebloom’ drinking apple juice, and Sweetie Belle’s drinking milk. “Cool, now tell me why you all wanted to visit me,” I say, sipping my coffee again. Applebloom starts.

“Well, when we stepped off the train with Sweetie Belle, we realized we had a lot of time to kill...”

Yesterday...

Scootaloo groans loudly as she processes what Sweetie Belle said. “Are you telling us, that you freaked out about being late for the audition, despite the fact that it’s in a week!?” She yells. Sweetie flinches at her friend’s raised voice.

“Well, I thought it was tomorrow...” She mutters. Scootaloo scoffs, throwing a hoof in the air.

“Tomorrow! Really!? If it was tomorrow, did you think there would be train traffic you’d get stuck in or something!?” She exclaims sarcastically. Applebloom wishes she had enough hooves to face hoof with.

“Look, calm down guys, I’m sure we can get a ticket to go back,“ Applebloom says tiredly. The moment she says that, however, an announcement comes on.

“Everyone! The train station is closed for today since that was the last train for today!” Applebloom looks up at the speakers incredulously.

“Oh come on!” She yells. Scootaloo sighs.

“Great, not only did we sneak out, we’re not going to be able to get back until tomorrow,” she says. She looks at Applebloom. “It’s a good thing you got a few more bits for us to use to get back, right?” Scootaloo asks. Applebloom’s face turns into a look of horror.

“You were supposed to do that!” Applebloom asks. Scootaloo panics as well.

“What?! I thought-“ Scootaloo stops and looks at Sweetie Belle, who’s only looking down in obvious disappointment. “W-well, maybe some random pony will give some bits to us?” She asks hopefully.

“No, that’s just stupid,” Applebloom says. Sweetie Belle perks up suddenly.

“Wait! Don’t you have family in Manehatten? What if we just stayed over their house?” She asks. Applebloom perks up as well, along with Scootaloo.

“You’re right! I’m sure Babs can take us in for the night!” Applebloom says excitedly. “I know where to go, c’mon!” She continues, starting to walk to their next destination.

“Yes! Finally! Something that doesn’t disastrously fail today!” Scootaloo says.

“Yeah! We’ll be able to hang out with her for a little bit too!” Sweetie Belle smiles widely as she follows the yellow pony.

Later, Applebloom merely looks down in shame as Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle look at her in bemusement, standing in front of her cousin’s apartment building. “... I forgot she was on a trip with her parents...” Applebloom mutters quietly.

“We kinda noticed,” Sweetie Belle says sarcastically.

“Isn’t there anyone else you know in Manehatten?” Sweetie Belle asks.

“Oh, wait, they might be on their holiday trip to the Caribou-on islands!” Scootaloo sarcastically remarks. Applebloom tries to think of a relative in Manehatten, but she can’t really recall that many ponies. Suddenly, she remembers seeing an address on one of Applejack’s letters. Applejack said it was to a friend at the time.

“Well... I think I know one more place to go to,” Applebloom says. Her friends exchange worried looks with each other. They think about it for a few seconds before sighing. At this point, what better options do they have?

They arrive at their new destination, a nice and small house in between two buildings. There’s a good bit of space between the house and said buildings, with green grass all around it. There’s a pathway to the house, which seems to be kept clean. Sweetie Belle looks at Applebloom in uncertainty.

“Who did you say lives here?” She asks. Applebloom shrugs.

“AJ said it was a friend. So, if she says whoever lives here is a friend, maybe they’ll be our friend too?” She offers. Scootaloo sighs.

“I doubt anypony would answer the door this late at night,” she says, walking towards the house.

“Um, Scoots, what are you doing?” Applebloom asks.

“Finding a better way in!” She calls. As Sweetie Belle and Applebloom start following Scootaloo, she walks to the side of the house. “I think this one’s open!” She whisper-yells. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle’s eye’s go wide in horror as they watch Scootaloo getting ready to jump.

“W-Wait-!”

Present

I pinch the bridge of my nose as they finish up their story. “... At the very least, nothing seems to have changed since I’ve last seen you three,” I mutter.

“We’re really sorry Mr Anon,” Applebloom says apologetically.

“It’s fine, but just knock next time,” I say tiredly. I hear the bedroom door open down the hall.

“Anon?” I hear a yawn. “Where are you? I thought today was your-“ Walking in, Whisk pauses as she sees me on a beach chair, drinking coffee with the TV on, behind me. “... What’s with the chair?” She asks. I nod towards the crusaders. She looks over to the three wide-eyed fillies. “... I guess I’ll make breakfast,” she mutters, walking to the kitchen. I hold up all five of my fingers.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One-

“Did Derpy come in early this morning?” I hear Whisk ask. I chuckle as the three young almost-mares start asking questions.

“When did you-“

“Who is-“

“Where’s your-“

I give a nostalgic sigh as the three of them bombard me with questions. Brings back memories of the first actual conversation they had with me.

After a nice breakfast, Whisk and I sit in the living after the three crusaders decided to use our bed to sleep in. Whisk sips on a mug of coffee with me on the couch, laying next to me as we watch the TV’s spouting of bullshit. I had told her about the three fillies’ predicament, and she got really quiet after I finished. I can see the gears in her head turning, but I don’t think I should ask what’s going on. After all, if there’s a problem, she’ll mention it to me. We sit in a comfortable silence as Whisk thinks deeply.

“... Hey Anon, out of curiosity...” I look down at her with a quirked eyebrow as she thinks about her next words. “... Nevermind, I’ll tell you later,” she says, sipping her mug. What is it with people keeping secrets from me recently? I think of Segway, and how he’s been rather closed off recently. I mean, we haven’t hung out much anyway because of the war, but even Spearhead would at least talk to me. I make a mental note to check up on Segway sometime today. Who knows, maybe I’m just paranoid. I mean, he does have a girlfriend now after all. I furrow my brow as I think of what I should do. I can drop by his apartment at some point. Whisk will have to make sure the crusaders get to the train, but thankfully she has today off. I sigh to myself as I slump a little. Whisk looks at me in concern.

“I’m fine, I’m just thinking about a couple things...” I look at Whisk. “Hey, can you make sure those fillies get to the train safely? I need to check up on someone today.” Whisk nods, and sips her coffee.

“Who’re you checking on?” She asks.

“Segway. He’s been really nervous lately. Even jumping from his shadow.” I turn to deadpan at her. “Literally. He jumped from his own shadow.” Whisk giggles.

“Well, I’m sure he’s fine. Isn’t that how Segway normally is?” She asks. I shrug.

“No, not really. He’s stupid, but brave at the very least. He takes situations more calmly than Spearhead most of the time...”

“Well, I’ll make sure the... what were they again?” She asks. I nod.

“Cutie Mark Crusaders,” I say, taking a sip of coffee as Whisk snickers.

“Only ponies,” she mutters. I chuckle.

“Yeah...” I frown as I start thinking about Segway again. I don’t know why, but something’s off...

Author's Note

I’m sorry this chapter was late. I got sick twice, and I actually got stuck at some point writing this.

Btw, saw that we are really close to 1 k likes! Wow! I’m planning on making a discord server, and a small little rap battle.

Hope y’all enjoyed so far!

Chapter 18: Wherefore Art Thou, Tom-Fuckery?

I hug Whisk bye as the three crusaders stand at the door. “Remember, Scootaloo likes her boxed lunches with a pacifier,” I say. The pony in question scoffs. “Sweetie Belle likes eating encyclopedias,” I continue. Everyone snickers at that. “And Applebloom likes apples.” With that, I smile at the three soon-to-be mares. “Can’t believe you three are almost adults now,” I say, crossing my arms. “I almost wish you three were kids again, but if that was the case, my windows would all be broken.” I frown. “Oh wait, one of them is,” I say seriously. I crack a smile at Scootaloo’s nervous chuckle. “In any case, say hi to your sisters for me.” I wave as they leave to go to the train station.

“Goodbye Mr Anon!” The terror trio reply. Whisk waves bye as well, closing the door behind her before leading the three to the station. I frown once all four of them are gone. Now, I gotta check on Sergui.

After half an hour, I got my coat and left through the front door. I put my hands in my pockets as I walk to where Segway’s apartment is. At least, I think it’s his apartment. He never actually told me where he lives, but I learned that information when I have to pay him as the Checkpoint manager. I trudge through the streets of Manehatten, which seems to be dimmer in color today. I notice that the ponies of Manehatten are much less livelier than usual. Hell, one guy didn’t even bother yelling at me when I bumped into him! I frown as I think of the impact of the war. If the dragons can go so far as to bomb the Checkpoints, they can surely bomb the cities.

I find Segway’s apartment building, grey as concrete. I head in, going through a swinging door. I pause as I see the clerk. A maneless brown pony, reading a newspaper. I clear my throat to get his attention. “Yo, does a pony named Sergui live here?” I ask. He scoffs and puts down his paper.

“Who wants to know?” He asks.

“Someone who gives a shit,” I reply. “Which is rare, considering it’s hard to find shits to give.” The pony stares at me for a second before sighing.

“You know what, I don’t even care enough,” he mutters. “Friend?”

“Yep.”

“Here,” the clerk tosses me some keys. “He’s been really mopey lately. Normally, I wouldn’t care, but his crying is starting to piss some of the residents off.” I nod.

“Thanks.”

I go up the stairs, eager to put myself at ease. Something’s wrong, but I don’t know what. I don’t like not knowing what’s wrong. I find Segway’s room number and fiddle with the keys. I unlock the door, and step inside quietly.

“Please, look, I tried okay? I just...” I hear Segway stop talking for a second before hearing him scratch something with a quill. “... I just want out, is that so much to ask for?” The hell? “Look, it was nice and all when I first joined, but I figured out what I really want.” As he talks, I look in from the doorway to see a simple living room. It’s small, with a couch, a small TV, a mini fridge, a door leading to a different room, and a table. On the wall, I can see a couple pictures of Segway and his marefriend hung up, along with a picture of him, Spearhead, and myself. I walk in cautiously now. I notice that the table has quite a few letters. I frown as I feel an urge to go through them. I notice the door’s cracked open, and I can barely see Segway writing something as he talks. I look at the pile of papers before mentally sighing.

I sit down quietly and start skimming through the various papers. The addresses are from the Minotaur country, most of which talk about some sort of objective he’s supposed to do. When I reach the final letter, I stop as I see a royal symbol on it. It has a shield with two axes in front of it. The royal symbol of Minotaurs. I feel various theories run through my head, trying to make sense of this. I start to open it, but I stop. “...” I stare at the closed envelope. Do I really want to know though? I think of various reasons why I don’t. Segway might be dangerous. He might be a spy. Worst of all, I might stop seeing him as a friend. However, I think of reason why I should see the contents. Equestria’s safety, the safety of my friends, and above all else, Whisk’s safety. I frown deeply, and start to open it again. However, I hear the doorknob start twisting from Segway’s room. Instantly, I shove the letter into my coat’s inner pockets without thinking. Shit. I turn around to see Segway staring at me with wide eyes. I look at the table calmly, searching for an excuse as to what the fuck I’m doing here. “... Do you have the remote in this clusterfuck?” I ask him nonchalantly. Segway continues staring before shaking his head and nodding.

“Y-Yeah, it’s in the drawer,” he says nervously. He walks over and opens it up to reveal the remote to the TV.

“Thanks. I figured it’d be best to check up on you while watching some news,” I say casually, turning on the television. I hear a soft sigh of relief. “So, what’s with all the junk mail?” I ask. Segway chuckles nervously.

“W-well, there’s been a few ponies wanting to sell some enlargement pills,” he says, blushing a little. I know that’s bullshit, but I bite my tongue.

“Hm. Welp, how’s life been recently?” I ask. “You’ve been pretty nervous the last few days. All secretive and stuff.”

“It’s been o-okay, but I kinda have...” He trails off. I notice he’s eyeing the pile of paper. “... a thingy to take care of.” I quirk an eyebrow.

“What? You gotta jack off or something?” I ask. He breaks eye contact with the paper to look at me with a red face of embarrassment.

“N-no! No no!” He yells. I snicker at his reaction before sighing.

“I guess I gotta go then,” I say, getting up. I start to walk out, but stop as I realize something. “... Remember buddy, if you need help, you got friends.” Cheesy as fuck, but good enough. Segway chuckles.

“Right, will do! Uh, bye now!” I get shoved out before the door slams closed. I chuckle and walk away, terror filling up my mind as I realize I don’t know what to do.

It’s been a couple days, and I still haven’t opened the letter yet. I sat it on the corner of the coffee table, and told Whisk that it was a diplomat letter sent to me. When she asked if she could open it, I said it was top secret. I feel bad for lying, but I don’t want her to find out what Segway is. That’s what I tell myself anyway. In any case, I’ve been working twice as hard in managing the Checkpoint. Now, I have to work in the office and at home. I mean, I’m not really surprised, but I kinda miss the good times of putting shit like that off until tomorrow. Anyway, today’s Wednesday. I hug Whisk bye as I get ready to go.

“Love you, I’ll be back at eleven,” I say.

“Stupid war, making you late,” Whisk mutters, making me smirk.

“It’ll be fine Whisk. Will you be okay?” Whisk looks at me for a moment before smiling.

“Of course I’ll be fine! I’m just worried about the softie,” she says with a cocky attitude. I smile and peck her head.

“Alright then, be safe okay?” I ask. She nods. Normally, I wouldn’t be nervous about her going out. However, ponies are starting to publicly show their anxiety towards other species. I may be paranoid, but I think that the ponies will start getting rough around the other creatures. It’s not for sure though. I don’t think it’ll be too bad in Manehatten, thinking back to how well my neighbors accepted me. I sigh inwardly and hug Whisk again. Once that’s done, I exit the house, mentally preparing myself for the day.

Later on, around midnight, I pant as I run back to my house. Whisk is going to be so pissed! I knew that I shouldn’t have played Go Fish before leaving! I should have never listened to Spearhead’s bullshit! ‘It’ll only be a few minutes’ he says, ‘it’ll be perfectly fine!’ What a load of shit!

I come up to my house, and notice the lights on. Fuck. I also notice that the TV isn’t on. Double fuck. I silently curse at myself and slowly approach the door.

Opening it slowly, I poke my head in. However, I feel my jaw drop. Whisk is laying on the couch, with two young griffons against her side, wrapped in blankets. I rub my eyes, thinking I’m just too fucking tired. However, upon opening them, I still see the two babies. I finally notice Whisk is asleep, thus I carefully walked over and gently wake her up.

“Whisk, Whisk wake up,” I say, nudging her. Her eyes slowly open and look over to me.

“Hey,” she says, smiling a little.

“Hi, uh, why do you have two babies?” I ask. She slowly looks at the two waddled bundles of youth. With the same speed, she looks back at me.

“Found them. There was a note on them,” she says. I feel my confusion grow as she answers.

“Where did you find them?” I ask. Whisk sighs quietly.

“Alley,” she replies. “Anon, someone abandoned them. I didn’t know what to do,” she explains. I nod understandingly.

“It’s fine, I think you made the right decision,” I soothe, hugging her. She sighs happily. “So, what do we do with them now?” I ask. Whisk frowns and looks at the sleeping babies.

“...” I have a feeling she doesn’t want to answer.

“... Put them up for adoption?” I ask. She turns to me, opening her beak to say something, but stops. She closes her beak, looking down as she thinks.

“... Yeah, we can do that,” she says softly. I can still see her gears turning in her head. I frown.

“Is something wrong?” I ask. She blinks and looks up at me.

“No! Nothing’s wrong!” She says quickly. I deadpan at her.

“Whisk, you don’t have to lie,” I lightly chastise. She sighs.

“... I don’t want to talk about it right now,” she mutters. I sigh on the inside, but I don’t push further.

“Do you want me to find them a place?” I ask. She shakes her head.

“N-no, I can find somewhere tomorrow,” she says. I frown, seeing how nervous she is.

“... Okay.” With that, I go to the bedroom. I come back after a few minutes, wearing a white t-shirt with boxers. I sit down on the couch, and turn on the TV. I instantly mute it to keep the peace. Normally, I just read the headlines anyway. Whisk watches the news with me calmly, allowing the little griffons to sleep. In my head, I think of what to do. I’m still worried about Segway’s letter, but now I got a baby situation. Perfect. Fucking perfect. I glance at the babies and notice one of them looking at me. I feel myself freeze at that. Whisk notices this and smirks.

“Anon, have you never seen a baby before?” She teases. I clear my throat.

“Well, yeah,” I say. “They’re everywhere where I was from.”

“Uh huh. How many babies have you ever held?” She asks.

“None,” I answer cautiously. Whisk hums in acknowledgment. Carefully, picks up the staring baby with a claw, and starts moving it towards me. “What’re you doing?” I ask nervously, staring back at the little griffon. I realize she’s handing it to me, and I quickly, gently, grabbed it once it was within arms reach. I look at her in irritation. “Whisk, why did you-“ I stop as I hear the baby giggle. I look down in confusion, seeing the little one giggle at me. “... What’re you laughin’ at?” I ask with a slight smile. I reach toward its head with two fingers, and start petting it gently. The baby coos at the affection, and closes its eyes.

“... That was a little funny,” Whisk says, smirking. I look up in confusion. “It’s almost like a switch was flipped in your head.” I roll my eyes. I stop my petting once the baby went to sleep.

“... I need to stop, otherwise it might imprint on me,” I say. Whisk giggles.

“Imprint? What do you think these are, ducks?” She jokes. I deadpan.

“Look, the point is, I don’t think we can keep them,” I say. Her smile disappears instantly. I recognize her disappointment and frown in confusion. “... Whisk, what’s wrong?” I ask. She sighs.

“... I can’t have children,” she mutters. I furrow my brows.

“... Okay?” I cautiously reply. She looks at me in confusion. “Look, I’m not a rocket scientist, but I’ve had enough biology classes to know that two different species won’t work.” Whisk blinks before tilting her head.

“What do you mean?” She asks. I start to reply, before quickly remembering that stuff works differently in Equestria because of magical bullshit.

“... Does magic allow two different creatures to have children?” I randomly guess. She nods slowly, as if this is something I should already know. “... How the hell is it that, in the eleven years I’ve been here, I have never realized that?” I ask myself out loud. Whisk snickers before frowning again.

“Anon, I meant that I’m not able to get pregnant anymore.” I snap out of my own thoughts of how truly competent I am and focus back on topic.

“How?” I ask. She sighs.

“Well, not every bar fight has been settled without scratches,” she says. I nod as I understand what she means.

“So, that explains why you want to keep them,” I mutter. She nods.

“That, and they’re adorable,” she says. I sigh inwardly.

“... Isn’t it kinda rushing our relationship if we get kids now?” I ask. She starts to protest, but stops.

“... Yeah,” she agrees nervously, looking over at the little ones.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’re ready for that kinda thing yet,” I explain. She nods some more before sighing.

“...I can drop them off at an adoption center after work,” she says softly. I nod.

“Okay,” I say. I lean over and peck her head with a kiss. She blushes a little and smiles slightly. “Do you want to stay in here for a little bit more?” I ask. She looks at the still sleeping babies and nods. “Alright.” I get up and go to the kitchen, planning to get a cup of milk. I step into the kitchen, and immediately notice a basket on the counter. I quirk an eyebrow and walk over to look at it closely. I peer into it, and feel my heart skip a beat. There’s a note at the bottom.

To Whoever finds this, do what you want with them. They’re not mine.

I frown at the words and sigh. The more things change, the more they stay the same. I shake my head at the terrible message and open the fridge. After I get some milk, I go back to the living room. I sit down and continue to rest next to Whisk, peacefully watching TV with her until the night passes. I keep glancing at the small griffons nestled with Whisk, wondering what kind of awful ‘parents’ they had. However, I’m not entirely surprised. This is something that has happened a lot where I lived. I wasn’t abandoned or anything, but I’ve met many people who were. I really do feel bad for the little griffons, but we can’t keep them. While we may have some room, I don’t think we could handle that kind of responsibility.

I hug the drowsy Whisk bye as I try to rush out the door. “Bye, love you,” I quickly say, knowing I’ll be late if I don’t get my fucking fatass out the fucking door right fucking now. Whisk groggily waves as I stumble out, tired from the lack of sleep. We never went to bed last night, and we never slept. I start to jog as I hurry to work. I know for fact that the ponies will give me a strike for being late.

I arrive at the Checkpoint, tired and ready for today to be over with. I notice Spearhead and Segway rushing to their posts, probably late for a meeting or something. It is odd abut how nervous they look, but I brush it off. Probably doesn’t concern me. I start to continue my way, but I hear shouting from behind me. “Anon! Wait!” I hear.

I turn around to find Whisk with the two young ones. What the fuck? I rush up to meet her, confusion clear on my face. “I can’t take them with me today!” She says, panting due to either running or flying for a good twenty minutes. “I’m sorry, but I have too many things to do today!” She quickly says, practically shoving the babies into my arms. I quickly take hold of them and look at Whisk in pure confusion as she frantically explains to me about her schedule. The bad thing is, I can’t understand her since she’s talking too fast. “-then I’ll be home around five, okay?” She asks. I blink as I try to process what she said.

“... What?” I simply ask. She groans.

“No time, gotta go, don’t let them out of your sight,” she quickly says, taking off immediately after responding to me. I only stand around and blink a couple more times.

“... Dafuq?” I ask out loud, genuinely confused as panic sets in. I look at the little griffons in my arms, who are staring back at me with a look of curiosity. “... What are you looking at?” I ask them. One of them reaches out to me, making some weird baby noise. “... I need to get to my post,” I mutter bitterly. With that, I walk to my office.

I step into my office, holding the little ones in one arm as I close the door with the other. “Dammit Whisk, I’m not exactly up for this shit today,” I mutter, walking to my desk. I pull out one of the drawers, which has a couple boxes full of work papers. I take two out, dump the papers, and set them next to me. I open another drawer, and grab two small pillows. The pillows were originally for whenever I was stuck in the office for longer than usual. Many great naps have been had, not gonna lie. I set each baby in a box and sigh. “Okay, remember kiddos, don’t talk to the strangers I talk to,” I warn. Both babies stare at me for a minute before one of them reaches for me, making a weird sound again. “... Right, talking to babies,” I say to myself, face palming. I finally look at what’s on my desk, finding a letter. I frown and open it.

Inspector,

Due to recent happenings, the Checkpoint is now allowed to allow civilians to pass. However, there is a limit to how many civilians can pass. Starting today, only two thousand non-military personal can pass. A counter has been provided for you.

Carry on with your decent work.

I furrow my brows at the letter. I can distinctly feel a sense of mild disgust from the last two words. I shake my head. At least things will be slightly more normal. I lean towards the mic. “Next!” I look at the little griffons to see that both of them are wide eyed. I smirk at their reaction and bring my attention to the first entrant of today.

A yak.

“Best Human! Yak has missed you very much! How is human’s day?” He asks. My face subtly twitches as I restrain my exhaustion. If I yell, the babies will cry, but if I don’t, he’ll- “Who are tiny griffons?” He suddenly asks as I panicked in my head. I blink in surprise before clearing my throat.

“They’re here for today. My girlfriend found them in an alley, so-“

“Oh no!” The yak interrupts, sounding mortified. He looks back at the little ones. “Yak knows trouble very well, yak wishes luck!” I blink again as he hands me his papers. “It’s good thing Best Human adopted them!” He exclaims loudly, smiling at the thought. I scoff as I shake my head.

“No, I haven’t adopted them. I’m going to drop them off at-“

“Why not adopt little griffons?” The yak asks. I sigh.

“Look, the short version of the answer is Whisk and I are still dating, and something like this is obviously too big for us,” I reply. The yak shakes his head.

“I think Best Human should adopt little ones. Little ones will like you. After all, Best Human is best human!” He declares proudly. One of the babies giggles at him. “See! Baby agrees!” I start to reply, but I just sigh in defeat as I realize I’m not winning a senseless argument. I look through his papers, stamp green, and allow him to pass. He gives me a farewell and trots off quickly. I lean towards the mic. “Next!” I lean back and sigh. Hopefully the next entrant is someone I don’t know.

“Hi Anon!” I hear. I look up to see Canadian Bacon. At least it’s a face I like. “Snowy and Maple are sick, but I-“ he stops mid sentence when he looks over the counter. He looks at me as I just stare at him in bemusement. “... Anon, why do you have baby griffons?” He asks.

“Whisk found them in an alleyway,” I respond simply. He smiles widely.

“And you adopted them!” He guesses with enthusiasm.

“No,” I deadpan. “I’m just keeping them until I can get them to an adoption center.” Bacon smirks.

“You’re definitely gonna keep them,” he says cockily. I roll my eyes.

“No, I won’t,” I say.

“Uh huh,” he remarks. “So, how’s my little sis doing?” He asks.

“Tired of waiting on my ass to come home,” I answer.

“That sounds about right,” he chuckles. “I wanted to come over to see if you two were okay. I heard Equestrians were getting... agitated.” I scoff, taking his passport and looking it over.

“That’s a nice way of saying it,” I joke. “How’s Maple? Grades doing good?”

“Yep! He’s been trying to cook as well!” He says excitedly. He kinda pauses before chuckling nervously. “He uh, kinda needs a little help with that though.”

“He should talk to Whisk, she’s a good cook,” I say, stamping green.

“That’s what I’ve been thinking,” he says, grabbing his papers to leave. He waves bye. “I’ll see you later Anon!” I wave back as the door closes. I lean towards the mic, glancing at the babies to check on them.

“Next!”

It’s around noon, and the babies are restless. I had announced civilians could not longer pass around three hours ago. Whisk dropped by and gave me some milk for the little ones, but when I asked why she couldn’t take them, she didn’t even respond. I have a feeling she’s trying to make me change my mind. However, I keep being headstrong on my decision. That decision significantly strengthened when I had to change their diapers. Now, I have both griffons in my arms, gently swaying to an imaginary song as I pray to God these two will sleep. I sigh with exhaustion as I realize that they’re probably not gonna stop. I finally put them down into their boxes, tired of holding them. “Fine,” I mutter. They both look at me, ceasing their agonizing noises of despair. “Cry. Cry your salty, fruitless tears you little-“

“Anon?” I suddenly hear, making me jump in surprise. I look over to see Spearhead, either confused as to why the fuck I have babies with me, or confused as to why I’m pissed at two babies. I sigh as he walks over uncertainly. I take note of how quiet the two babies are now.

“Whisk found ‘em in an alley. I’m taking them to an adoption center,” I say. Segway quirks an eyebrow.

“Not gonna keep them?” He asks. I face palm.

“No. Why does everyone-“

“I’m just curious dude,” he defends. I scoff.

“Really? Wanna take them instead?” I ask. He laughs.

“No, thanks though,” he says.

“Damn,” I mutter to myself. Spearhead rolls his eyes, though he keeps a smile on.

“Anyway, I’m here to ask you to follow me, there’s a situation,” he says, dropping the smile. I frown.

“What kind of situation?” I ask.

“‘Solving future problems’ kind of situation,” he says. I sigh.

“Sorry, but I can’t leave this post,” I say. “That’ll earn me a strike. I apparently only get three.” I thought the guy was kidding when he first said it, but he reported to me that it was ‘rather amazing’ to see that I was, in fact, competent at all. He expressed how lucky I was to not get a single strike. I snap back to reality, noticing Spearhead nodding.

“That sounds about right. I’ll be back then,” he announces, promptly leaving to probably get something. While I await for Spearhead to return, I give the griffons some attention. One of the babies is sleeping, which I was amazed at how quick it was to sleep, but the other is still looking around. It finally looks at me and reaches up at me, making some noises again.

“Do you want up?” I ask it. It makes some more baby noises, which I think means yes. “How about no?” I reply. The baby frowns in the language of grumpy. I frown right back. “Look dude, you’re about one foot shorter than Lucky, and she’s just as liable to break stuff on accident,” I say. Why the fuck am I talking to a baby like it’s an adult? The baby tilts its head at the mention of Lucky, but continues to reach up at me. “No, no upsies,” I sternly say, crossing my arms. It replies with more baby noises, sounding like protests against my oppression of rights. “No,” I say. It protests with democratic intent. “No means no little guy,” I say. The baby demands the vertical lift it so craves. “If I give you what you want, will you be a little more quiet?” I ask. I briefly question ‘what the fuck is the point of arguing with a baby’ to myself as the baby nods. “Fine.” I make no acknowledgement that I lost to a baby in an argument as I pick it up. “There, you happy?” I ask. It remains silent as it finally gets a view of my desk. It can see the rulebook, the stamps, the buttons, and the mic. I notices that it specifically eyes the rulebook. With a free hand, I take the book and open it to a map of Equis/Earth, just to see what it would do. The baby’s eyes shines with amazement as it looks at the world on a page, printed with ink. He points to the map and makes noises. I imagine he’s asking what it is.

“It’s the world. A rather complicated place,” I say absentmindedly. I mean, fuck it, why not? It gives me something to do. “There are ponies, griffons, hippogriffs, Minotaurs, bug-Ponies, all kinds of creatures...”

I continue to wait for Spearhead to come back as I let the griffons sleep. The curious one fell asleep a while ago. I smirk at the admittedly adorable display. However, I remember that they don’t need me in their lives. I chuckle slightly as I think of my colorful language. I really feel bad for Whisk, but we can always adopt later on. I hear the door open and a pony walk in. Thankfully, he can’t really see the babies in the boxes.

“Anonymous, next time, get your ass out,” I hear a familiar voice say. I look over to see the grey soldier pony from when I got here.

“What, and get a strike? It’s against the rules-“

“Damn the rules!” He yells. I quirk an eyebrow. “When I tell you to jump, you say how high!” I frown and cross my arms. “Now, let’s practice. Jump.”

“How high are you?” I reply. He frowns even more.

“You mouthin’ me off?” He asks threateningly.

“What ever do you mean?” I ask innocently.

“... You know what, I got bigger things to worry about than scum like you,” he says, tossing a stack of files onto my desk. “It has to be done by tomorrow.” With that, he walks out. I flip him off behind his back and turn to check on the griffons, only to see that one of them is also flipping the guy off. I stifle a laughter as I shake my head.

“That’s a bad thing, don’t do that,” I chastise the vulgar baby. It only giggles in response.

It’s late at night, but I reached the adoption center. The center’s dimly lit, with the only living thing awake is a desk clerk. There are grey couches and chairs, along with magazines for the bored adults that await for appointments. I hold the two baby griffons as I walk over to the pony desk clerk, tired as fuck. She smiles at me as I walk up, but frowns at the sight of griffons. “Excuse me,” I say. “I need to find homes for these two.” The pony looks at the sleeping griffons before looking at me with a nervous expression.

“I-I’m sorry sir, we can’t...” she trails off, making barely audible mutters.

“What?” I ask.

“We uh, can’t take griffons...” she explains. I blink as I process this information.

“Why?” I ask, furrowing my brow.

“Well, there’s been a new law in place recently...” I can tell that the pony actually feels bad for the little ones. It’s the same expression I see whenever someone sees someone else genuinely forget their passport, thus getting denied.

“Well, where am I supposed to go then?” I ask her irritably.

“....” The pony looks around uncomfortably. “W-well, um, we’re the uh.... only adoption center now...” I stare at her, dumbfounded.

“What do you mean? It’s Manehatten! There’s gotta be somewhere right?” I ask. She chuckles nervously.

“... N-new city law?” She answers nervously. I groan.

“Dammit, racist ponies,” I mutter, facepalming. I’m so goddamn tired of ponies and their bullshit. I turn to leave as the embarrassed pony sputters.

“I’m sorry, I know the law’s bad, but I can’t really do anything about it,” she explains. I half assed a wave bye to her as I walk out, carrying the little griffons.

It’s the next day, I’m carrying a baby in a basket to work as I walk down the streets. Whisk agreed to take one of the griffons today, but she decided that having both of them would be too much. I call bullshit, but I don’t think I even have enough energy to argue today. I got home too late to work on anything having to do with whatever the fuck that pony gave me yesterday. I’m not even going to try and do it. He wants it done the next day? Do it your-fucking-self.

I arrive at my office, and I am greeted by that solider pony. He stands at attention as I enter. I note how he doesn’t acknowledge the baby in the basket. Must not be too concerning to him then. “Anonymous. You have my papers done?” He asks.

“Nope,” I say, leaning to the mic. However, a hoof stops me and shoves me back into my seat.

“What do you mean ‘no?’” He asks angrily.

“It depends, do you mean no, as in the answer, or do you mean no, as in the answer to life?” I ask sarcastically.

“You were supposed to do them!” He yells. I scoff.

“I’ll get them done once I have time.”

“You had last night to do them! That’s one strike!” He yells. With that, he marches out furiously. Military or not, he’s an asshole. I look over at the basket to find that the little one is now asleep. I envy its ability to do that. I lean towards the mic and finally start the day.

“Next!”

Three hours later, I’m nearing the end of civilians allowed to pass. I massage my face, hoping it could relieve any stress of some kind. It’s not working, but it was worth the shot. I look up as the next entrants walk in, revealing themselves to be two hippogriffs. One was a light blue, and the other was a dark orange. I smirk at the color scheme as they hand their passports.

“...” Both of them stare at me with obvious anxiety, awaiting to hear the sound of two stamps. I look at their papers and pause. Their passports were issued in a city at the Separatists’ country. I look up at them with a raised eyebrow. Both of them are sweating rather profusely.

“... Separatists, huh?” I ask. I see their eyes widen in horror. “... Why do you want to go to Equestria?” I press, crossing my arms. The orange one gulps audibly, but the blue one answers.

“W-we can’t stay there,” she nervously says.

“Why?” I ask. The blue one clears her throat as she tries to recompose herself, while the orange one visibly relaxes a little.

“... We can’t be together there...” I nod. I heard that the Separatists were extreme about certain things. I guess sexuality is one of them.

“Okay, so why Equestria? Why not go to the other Hippogriffian kingdom?” Before the blue one could answer, the orange one suddenly scoffs.

“Remember the worldwide war? To them, we’re just traitors, and we thought Equestria would at least be okay with us,” she says bitterly. I nod again and look at their passports. I frown as I look at their weights. Since they’re both in here, their weights are combined, making me have to add their weights from the passport together. However, their weight total is off by five pounds. I look at them and finally notice the saddlebag the orange one is carrying. I frown, remembering Luna’s words about terrorists.

“Turn to the scanner,” I say coldly. Without waiting for a reply, I press the button to scan, and I wait for the x-rays. Getting the photos, I take a quick look and notice that there’s something in the orange one’s bag. I look closely, squinting my eyes to try and see what it is. It looks like a bomb. I sigh deeply and sternly look at the two hippogriffs. “... Here you go,” I say, stamping green on the blue hippogriff’s passport. She thanks me and the orange one holds out her claw. “I’m gonna have to hold you for a minute,” I say menacingly. I turn to the blue one. “Go ahead, she’ll catch up with you,” I encourage. She nods, thanking me again, and walks out. I turn to the orange one again. I harden my glare, and point to the saddle.

“What’s in the bag?” I ask harshly.

“Well, you know, makeup, bits-“

“Bullshit,” I interject. She stops talking and settles with staring at me, expressionless. “Give it to me,” I order. Wordlessly, she hands me the saddlebag. I open it to discover that my suspicions were correct. Despite how shit the design seems to be, it looks like it’s capable of doing damage. What makes me nervous, is that the wires are not in standard color. “... You’re very good at lying,” I remark, looking up at her.

“...” she stares at me silently as I reach for the walkie talkie. I start to talk into it, but I stop as I realize there are tears going down her face. I look at her eyes to see that she’s trying to hold all her emotions in. I can see that she doesn’t look angry at all, just sad. Not a normal terrorist response. I try to bring myself to talk into the device, but I seem to be unable to do so. I look at the hippogriff again and felt a slight pang of pity for her. I recognize the look she has, signifying her reluctance of doing any of this. I sigh inwardly as I try to come up with a way to allow her to pass, as well as getting rid of the bomb. She’s probably the only one who knows how to disarm it, so I can’t risk the royal guards trying to disarm it. I also have a lot of leverage here, being able to allow her to pass and all. I clear my throat.

“Why did you have the bomb?” I ask. The orange hippogriff refuses to answer and just continues to stare at me. “... You didn’t want to do this, did you?” She looks away, towards the floor. “... How do I disarm it?” She looks at me, still silently crying, and keeping silent. I realize that she’s not going to talk anytime soon. “... Look, we can make a deal,” I say calmly. She still refuses to show any emotion. “If I disarm the bomb, you can walk away from it all as long as you promise not to do it again.” The hippogriff remains silent. Suddenly, the bomb starts to beep. I look at it in horror, along with the hippogriff. I glance at the baby griffon, still sleeping in the basket. Shit. I clear my throat. “Hey, we don’t have much time, okay? Tell me how to disarm it.” She looks up at me in horror, but still refuses to speak.

I rack my brain desperately as I try to think of what I’m supposed to do. Suddenly, the baby starts crying, scaring the hell out of me and the hippogriff. At that same moment, I get an idea. I pick up the baby and cradle him, showing the hippogriff. “Look, you have a good number of reasons to stop this,” I say. She looks at me nervously. “One, you’ll probably live. Two, you’ll see that other hippogriff again. Three, if you don’t disarm the bomb, she’ll only remember you for murdering two people, one of which is a child,” I desperately say. She looks at me with fear before looking at the baby. “I swear you’ll be fine,” I continue. She looks at me one last time, clearly arguing with herself in her head. The beeping suddenly becomes faster. I can only think of curse words as the beeping continues.

“How can I trust you?” The hippogriff asks.

“Does this look like the fucking time for trust!? Disarm the damn thing already!” I yell impatiently. She flinches away from me, and looks at the bomb nervously. There’s still an argument in her head. I shut my eyes tightly as I pray to God we don’t die.

Suddenly, the beeping stops.

The griffon’s crying, however, hasn’t. I open my eyes to see that we’re fine, and the hippogriff is panting. I pant as well, setting the baby back in his basket as he continues his cries. I put my face in my hands and sigh in relief. “... That was fucking close,” I mutter. The hippogriff nods. I look at the door out of my office and pause. “... I could have left at any time,” I absentmindedly remark. The hippogriff blinks in surprise before glaring daggers into me.

“So why didn’t you get someone!? Why did you waste your time with talking to me!?” She yells. “You even put a child’s safety at risk!” I nod.

“I forgot,” I simply reply, starting to chuckle a little. She stares at me incredulously as I start laughing at how fucking stupid I was. That, and I think the adrenaline is still running through me. Once I finish my rather insane sounding laugh, I look at the bomb. “... That bomb’s not allowed,” I randomly point out. I look up at the hippogriff, who stares at me without showing any emotions. “I should detain you, even if it’s disarmed.” The hippogriff shakes her head.

“Look, just detain me already you son of a-“

“Good thing I can’t give a fuck anymore,” I remark, stamping her passport green. I hand her passport back as she looks at me nervously.

“... Why?” She asks.

“Huh?”

“Why did you trust me?” She asks. “Why did you give me a chance?” I look up in thought, racking my brain for answers. I really could have just made the guards detain her. Granted, they couldn’t disarm the bomb, but I doubt that they don’t have a spell or something to minimize the blast. Hell, I could have just denied her without even bringing up the fucking thing.

“... No fuckin’ clue,” I finally answer with a shrug. The hippogriff’s wings fall as she blinks in surprise. “Now, go away, I got shit to do.” The hippogriff continues to stare at me in befuddlement before walking out. I smirk to myself as I think of the last five or ten minutes of terror. “No fuckin’ clue at all,” I mutter, hearing the click of the printer. I take the citation and read it.

Entrant had weapons and/or contraband

Strike two.

“Whoopty-jolly-fuckity-doo,” I comment, crumbling up the paper. I toss it in the bin and lean towards the mic. “All civilians must leave the premises, the area is now closed off to non-military personnel. Thank you.”

It’s almost five. I keep a bottle in hand as I multi-task between giving the baby some attention, and paperwork. I sign certain things, crumple others, and write ‘fuck you’ on some of them. I had finished up the workload I was given yesterday, and set it off to the side. It wasn’t anything different from normal, but it had some stuff to do with the guards stationed here. The papers didn’t need to be turned in today, especially since they’re just request letters that I decide on wether they get granted or not. I stop to look down at the griffon once I notice he’s not moving much. He’s sleeping soundly, nestled in my arm. I smile and softly set him back in the basket. I place the now empty bottle on my desk and start to slump. Of course, the moment I try to relax, Sergeant Fuckboi walks in.

“Alright ape, are my papers done?” He asks. I sigh at the name and hand him the paperwork. “Good. It’s about time you earn your-“ The soldier stops as he looks at one of the forms. He turns around and slams it on my desk. “WHAT THE BUCK IS THIS!?!?” I look at the form and see that it’s one of my ‘fuck you’ signatures.

“It’s a ‘fuck you’ form,” I state seriously. He glares at me.

“Do you think this is funny?” He asks.

“No, I didn’t think it was funny, I think it’s beyond retarded. Thus, I wrote ‘fuck you’. Standard practice,” I say. The form had requested permission to take nearby apartments and housing for immigrants.

“Who do you think you are?!” The soldier asks.

“Look here Bald Lieutenant Dan, I don’t give a fuck how angry you are. I don’t care about your status or role. I think it’s a bit illegal to do that kinda dumb shit,” I point out. “Their housing’s private property. Their property, their rules.”

“... Strike three. Pack your stuff, you’re gone.” With that, the sergeant marches out. I scoff and lean towards the mic.

“To the soldier who just left the passport inspector’s booth, you’re a cock sucking son of a bitch. It’s not my fault you’re a racist fuck who couldn’t comprehend basic moral codes easily understood by most other ponies. So, fuck you, fuck your sister, and fuck this.” I stand up, grab the baby basket, Whisk’s picture, and exit the room. Upon walking out, I am greeted by groups of guards either staring at me, glaring at me, or quietly whispering. I keep an indifferent expression on as I start my walk home. Spearhead runs up to me, disgruntled.

“Anon! Wait!” He yells after me, catching up. He stops me, turning me to face him. “Why did you do that!?” He yells. I scoff.

“Asshole fired me because I had morals. See ya later Spear,” I say, continuing my walk. Spearhead’s face shifts into surprise and sputters.

“W-Wait, fired!?” He yells after me. I give a half assed wave, not turning back. Spearhead stares after me for a few seconds before shaking his head in disbelief. He turns back, and runs back to his group.

I open the door, and walk into my house. I sigh deeply as I look at the still sleeping griffon. I’m amazed this kid could sleep through all that. I can tell Whisk isn’t home yet, probably still at work. It’s almost six now, so it should be a couple more hours before she gets here. I set the basket down on the couch. I place Whisk’s picture on the coffee table. I place my fat ass on the couch, opposite of the basket. I turn on the television, hoping for some peace and quiet as I settle for television. Of course, the moment I think of that, the front door opens. Whisk rushes in with an umbrella and shuts the door quickly to prevent some rain from coming in. Apparently it was scheduled to rain today. She pants from running here before Checking on her basket to see that the baby is happily making noises. She sighs in relief and turns to see me on the couch. She blinks in surprise before giving me a questioned look.

“Fired,” I answer nonchalantly, never taking my eyes away from the TV. Whisk gasps and rushes over, setting her baby basket on the couch.

“Why?” She asks worriedly.

“I had basic morals,” I mutter, trying to seem disinterested.

“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she says, sitting next to me.

“It’s fine. They’ll need me sooner or later,” I reply. They actually don’t, but denial has worked for me before. Whisk sighs and drapes a wing across my back in an attempt to comfort me. I simply keep my position, and stare off into the screen of the TV. Things will get better...

Meanwhile

Celestia groans as Luna bangs her head on the dinner table. “One. Simple. Damn. Order,” Luna voices between each bang.

“Luna, the guards are trying their best at the front,” Celestia replies, setting down the report from the guards.

“Sister, they managed to deplete half of their ammunition of arrows on birds. Bucking birds!” She yells.

“True, but-“ Celestia stops as a guard enters the room with a letter in hoof.

“A letter from Manehatten ma’am, from the Checkpoint,” he announces. Celestia sighs and takes it. What the hell is wrong now? She opens it and reads.

Your Majesty,

It is with great pride and satisfaction that I have to tell you that the nuisance under the name of Anonymous is now unaffiliated with the Manehatten Checkpoint’s reputation as of today. I also managed to-

Celestia sighs deeply, not even trying to finish the letter. She hands it to Luna, who stopped her head banging long enough to look at the contents. Luna simply breathes in sharply before ripping the paper in half. “May we get the axe?” Luna asks calmly.

“The battle axe?”

“No, the other one.”

“Do you mean the axe you used to execute ponies accused with high treason during the Dark Times?”

“Yes, that one.”

“...No, I’ll have a chat with him myself, though your way is very tempting.” With that, Celestia teleports out.

Sergeant Buff locks up the office as he finishes up closing the border. He cannot believe the absolute ridiculousness of everyone here. He had to find a substitute for the passport inspection office, who was barely capable of doing his job. Then, two other guards came in to complain about the decision to fire the ape earlier. What else could go wrong?

“Seargeant,” he hears behind him. He groans.

“What in Tartarus-“ he turns to face the speaker, finding it to be Celestia. He yelps like a filly before coughing to recompose himself.

“Sergeant, I received a letter about Mr Anonymous’ recent dismissal,” she says. He straightens up and nods.

“Yes, I believe it is a wise decision to cut the excessive weight from our workload here at the border,” he states. Celestia hums.

“I see. However, I believe you are wrong about him being ‘excessive weight.’ I believe him to be rather valuable,” she says. The sergeant bursts out laughing, but stops when Celestia looks at him sternly. “This is not a laughing matter Seargeant.”

“Princess, if I may, he is of no actual use. He refuses to follow my commands, and he has no respect for authority,” the sergeant complains. Celestia nods.

“They are valid points, and I cannot force you to take him back,” Celestia acknowledges. “However, I strongly advise you to find him and get him back.”

“I will not go to that stupid ape-“

“Human,” she corrects. He clears his throat.

“I will not go to that ape and apologize for correctly assessing that he is not of actual value here,” He firmly says. Celestia sighs.

“I did not ask you to apologize to him. I only advise you to get him back here,” she says. He scoffs.

“What makes you think he’d do any good here? He managed to get through all three strikes already.” Celestia smirks.

“Is that so? Tell you what, I will give you an entire week to improve the efficiency of the Border. If Anon was as ‘useless’ as you claim, you should have no problem in this task,” she says. “If you manage to improve it in the slightest, I’ll leave you alone on this matter. However, if you fail, you must consider taking Anon back. I will keep coming back to ask you to reconsider as well.”

“... Is this an order?” The sergeant asks.

“No, it is a deal you can refuse,” Celestia answers honestly.

“... Fine, I’ll show you how much more efficient I can be!” The sergeant says cockily. “In fact-“ he stops to pull out a document. Celestia looks at it as he jabbers on. “This order will be the first step to improve-“

“Sergeant, this is literally illegal,” Celestia interrupts. He stops and looks at the paper. It’s the one Anon had written ‘fuck you’ on.

“How?” The sergeant asks.

“The property you asked for is legally owned by those individuals, thus making it private property we would have to get grants for. I assume this is something Anon had denied?”

“B-but we gave them the property! We should be able to take it back!” The sergeant complains.

“It is against the law, so to do such an action should land you in prison, stripping you of any military status you have,” Celestia says. “In fact, this is good incentive to put you in prison right now if you had granted other requests that fall under this category of legalities,” she continues. The sergeant’s face went pale. He silently thanks Celestia that he hasn’t mailed any of the requests yet. “Even worse, since you are now the temporary Border Manager, If you had made this request, it would have been considered illegal as well.” The sergeant nods.

“Y-Yes it would have...” He quietly comments. Celestia smiles.

“Now, try to do good work sergeant. I will arrive everyday to examine your progress. Please try not to fail,” Celestia encourages, teleporting out. The sergeant waits a moment before breathing out a sigh. This is going to be a long week...

Author's Note

Yeeeaaah.... this happened...

Hope ya’ll enjoy!
Oh, before I forget Here’s my Twitch! Get ready to fuckin’ Mario-cise! I’ll also probably do a Q and A there as well

Also, Here’s the blog I made to ask about the Livestream. I might actually just choose the games myself, but I’m not entirely sure yet.

I’ll be putting up a Discord link soon! The moment we hit 1k likes, I’ll post it in a blog/ here in this author’s note!

In any case, have a good day ya’ll!

Chapter 19: Fuckin’ Who? Nah, Fucka You. (Re-rewritten)

Author's Note

So, I kinda rewrote this chapter. However, I mostly just rewrote the bits I specifically didn’t like. It’s not as good as I hoped, but I feel like that’s the best I can do for it. So now we move on!

Chapter 19: Fuckin’ Who? Nah, Fucka You. (Re-rewritten)

I keep my eyes on the TV as the sun shines through the windows, into the living room. I haven’t slept in a couple of days, ever since I got laid off. Whisk has been trying to support me, emotionally speaking, but we got into an argument yesterday. It was over the griffons. I’m standing my ground on not keeping them, no matter what. I know for fact that I’m not father material. After all, my actual father was a pretty shitty example. I face palm and sigh deeply. The argument Whisk and I had was left off on a bad note, namely about the part where I called her an arrogant bitch.

Yesterday

I walk into the living room, cup of coffee in hand. I stop as I see Whisk looking at a catalog for baby toys. “... Whisk, what are you doing?” I ask. She yelps and quickly shuts the catalog close before turning to me with a nervous smile. I sigh and set down my mug on the coffee table. “Whisk, we talked about this,” I say, sitting down. She sighs as well.

“I know, but couldn’t you try?” She asks me. I shake my head.

“Whisk, we’ve only been dating for less than a year. There is no way in hell we can be parents,” I point out. Whisk frowns.

“Well, I’ve helped raise Maple before, while he was a baby,” she says. “Snowy wasn’t always there for him you know.”

“Well, yeah, but he had a good father figure Whisk,” I reply. “I’m not Bacon, I’m me.” I take a sip from my mug.

“And what’s wrong with you?” Whisk asks. I hold out my hand.

“I curse nonstop.” Four fingers left. “I’m too relaxed about some things, and not others.” Three. “I’ve never actually raised a kid before.” Two. “I’m not a people person.” One. “And I’m probably a toxic person.” Whisk shakes her head.

“Anon, don’t be ridiculous. Maybe if you try-“

“Well, I don’t want to try yet,” I interrupt irritably. Whisk leans away after I snap, but scoffs.

“This isn’t something you know how to do,” Whisk retorts. I scoff right back.

“Yes it is, you have to know psychological basics, how to respond-“

“No, no you really don’t,” Whisk stops me. I frown at her. “Being a first time parent is more of a crash course. Canad didn’t know how to be a father, but look at Maple! If that clumsy brother of mine could do it, so can you.” I grit my teeth a little.

“Like I said Whisk, I’m not Bacon,” I argue, losing my patience.

“You don’t have to be a nice person to be a father Anon,” Whisk says. I give a sarcastic laugh.

“Yeah, that’s what my dad said before whipping me with a belt for spilling his drink. I’m such a good example of a successful-“

“Well you’re not your father, are you Anon?” Whisk asks, losing her patience as well. “You just have to take note of what to do, and not to-“

“You know, you don’t have to sound like an arrogant bitch to tell me all that,” I remark, cutting her off. She stops talking immediately, falling silent as I take a calm sip of my coffee.

“... You know what? I don’t even have to talk to you at all,” Whisk replies, getting up to go to bed. I roll my eyes and continue sipping my coffee.

Present

I keep staring at the TV, unsure of what to do. I admit, I was much more of an asshole than usual yesterday. I sigh deeply as I mentally kick myself. Way to fucking go dude, you fucked up on talking to your girlfriend. Your Ex’s way of talking to you was shit? Why not do the same fucking thing! Absolutely marvelous! I place my face in my hands as I take a breath in and breath out in an attempt to stop my rising feelings of frustration. I look up to see the black and white picture of Whisk, smiling at the camera. Her purple feathers are still taped on. I stare at the picture before sighing again. I need to apologize to her, as soon as possible. However, I know for fact that saying ‘I’m sorry’ has about as much of an effect as pissing in the wind. I go back to my original position on the couch and think of what to do...

Meanwhile

The day has been very busy for Sergeant Buff. He has yet to make a single citation. He questions why anybody would have trouble with passport inspection. So far, he has yet to lose his glare upon anyone that enters. This is to forgo the niceties for the foreigners.

“Your response is incorrect,” he critics an entrant, denying him instantly.

“W-Wait, it was an honest mistake!” The changeling entrant replies. “I-I meant to say-“

“Too late bug. Get out,” Buff replies coldly. The changeling sobs as he leaves. Buff leans towards the mic. “Next!”

The next entrant is a yak, who freezes upon seeing the sergeant. “Huh? Is this right Checkpoint? Where is this, ‘human’ yak hears about?” He asks.

“Papers please,” the sergeant replies indifferently.

“Uh, does pony not hear yak?” The yak replies. The sergeant’s eye twitches subtly.

“Papers. Please. Sir,” he says impatiently.

“Hm, Checkpoint is not as fun as other yak says!” The yak yells. The sergeant deepens his glare.

“Sir, If you want to pass, I need your passport and identification,” Buff presses. The yak grumbles as he hands the sergeant his passport. Buff looks at the passport. “Length and reason of stay.”

“Yak is representative! Yak stay for month!” The yak says loudly. The volume of his voice is giving Buff a migraine and a headache at the same time. The pony gives the yak a green stamp and gives back his papers.

“Cause no trouble,” he says. The yak snorts.

“Pony must watch tone,” the yak warns. He walks out, hoping the rest of Manehatten wasn’t as bad as the pony he just met. He starts to reconsider the choice of offering the Equestrians help since that was apparently how they act.

An hour later, Buff rubs his snout as he prepares himself to face the last entrant for today. He feels joy as he realizes he won’t have to deal with another entrant for the rest of the day. Mentally prepared, he leans towards the mic. “Next!”

The last entrant brings a shock to the sergeant as she enters the room. Queen Chrysalis. The entrant in question stops when she notices the temporary Inspector. . “... You’re not Anon,” she remarks. Buff coughs as he recomposes himself.

“You have a lot of nerve coming in here,” he responds in an attempt to show no fear. The queen scoffs.

“You have a lot of nerve being alive,” she replies, handing him her passport. The sergeant narrows his eyes.

“Is that a threat?” He asks. Chrysalis chuckles darkly.

“No, you idiot. I’d be much more creative than that,” she says. The pony glares for a few seconds longer before looking at her papers. “I’m visiting for a couple weeks, checking on family and such,” Chrysalis says. After a couple minutes of silence, the queen sighs. “You know, you’re such a bore. At least Anon had a spine.” The sergeant is holding every comment he has from escaping his mouth by biting his tongue. After a minute, he points at the gender indication in confusion.

“Why does it say Male and Female?” He asks. The queen scoffs.

“Spineless and brainless,” she replies. Before she could explain what the gender thing is about, Buff stamps her with denial. She frowns as he smugly hands her passport back. “Do you really think you’ve won?” She asks. She takes her passport, just as the citation machines starts clicking. The sergeant looks at the printed paper in surprise. “I’m a changeling you idiot, do the math.” With that, she leaves the small office with a smirk. Sure, she didn’t pass, but the pony’s reactions was definitely worth it.

It’s the next day, Sergeant Buff sits in the Insoector’s office with unease. The paperwork was easy yesterday, even though he had to double check the legalities of everything. He won’t let some stupid ape beat him in terms of smarts and wits after all. He takes a moment to calm his nerves and consider his situation in regards to Celestia’s bet. He’s got one last chance, but it’s not even the third day. Right now, he just needs to carefully think about everything. He takes another breath and leans towards the mic. “Next.”

The first entrant is an earth pony, purple with black hair, wearing a black coat. He comes in with a confident smirk. He hands the solider his passport before going on a rant. “Hiya bud, listen, I gots important business comin’ in. So, mind hurrying up?” Buff just sighs and starts checking the passport quickly. “Come on bud! I’m wastin’ daylight with your sluggish mug!” Buff grits his teeth. He reminds himself that, at the very least, it’s not a foreigner. “Hurry it up will ya?” The pony rushes. Buff groans and slams the green stamp onto the paper. “Finally! In the time it took you to do that, I coulda went to Griffonstone and back!” He complains, taking his papers as he leaves.

Sergeant Buff sighs as the pony leaves... only to hear the printing of a citation. He blinks in confusion before looking at the pink slip.

Weight did not match, possible smuggler passed.

Buff’s eye twitches before he groans in frustration. “Celestia dammit!” He yells.

The day continues on, with very little action. Buff carefully scans each passport with his eyes, never wasting a second. When the limit for civilian entrants was reached, he leans back and gives a sigh of relief. The office’s door opens, causing him tense back up and face whoever entered. “At ease,” Celestia says, walking up. The sergeant complies and returns to staring at the empty room through the window. “I see you’ve gotten three citations already.”

“... Yes ma’am.”

“Well, at the very least, you did better than most. However, a deal is a deal. I strongly advise you to take Anon back.” Buff snorts.

“With all due respect, no. I refuse to take him back.” Celestia frowns.

“Why?”

“He has no respect for higher ups, including you. He has a record for having a sarcastic reply to everything. He’s vulgar, disrespectful, and above all else, he’s not a pony.” Celestia grimaces. While she does wish Anon has a bit more respect for her, it is slightly refreshing to see that she’s treated like everyone else. His sarcastic and cynical nature is certainly not appreciated by ponies, but most other creatures seem to have a liking to it. Ponies might not like it, but diplomats do. His sarcastic and disrespectful nature seems to impress some of them anyway, like the griffons. What’s more, since he’s not a pony, it feels like his decisions are a bit more balanced in a way. She sighs as she tries to think of a way to convince the stubborn sergeant. She cannot force him to take Anon, due to a law that was passed one thousand years ago. See, Celestia is not good with wars. Luna was, but not Celestia. Celestia was more of a talker than a fighter. Thus, when Luna was gone, she had decided to lend military matters to a certain branch of government. However, Celestia wasn’t as careful about creating laws back then due to her naivety towards the handling of ‘lawyer talk.’ Long story short, she accidentally agreed to not interfere with military orders concerning personnel under certain conditions. In this case, a higher officer classified Anon as ‘not-useful/necessary’, and Celestia can’t really put in her two cents, no matter how high of a role she plays.

“... Sergeant, I won’t force you to take him back. I realize he gets on most ponies’ nerves. He certainly gets on mine. However, his diligence and rational thinking is needed at this Checkpoint. Please consider-“ Celestia is interrupted by a door opening behind her. They turn towards the office’s door to see a purple griffon, carrying two little griffons in a basket. She’s also extremely pissed. Celestia recognizes her as Whisk.

“Excuse me, were you Anon’s boss?” She asks the sergeant, paying no mind to the solar diarch.

“Ma’am, are you allowed to be in here?” The sergeant asks harshly. Whisk turns to Celestia.

“Permission granted,” Celestia says, answering Buff’s question. Whisk nods and walks up to the soldier.

“Wha- but-“

“Now you listen here you slimy son of a bitch,” Whisk starts. “Anon worked his ass off for your bullshit. He’s been patient, loyal, and tolerant.”

“Who do you think you-“

“Shut the buck up while I’m talking,” she interrupts harshly. The sergeant closes his mouth instantly. “I know he’s kind of a jackass, but he has more common sense than all you pea-brained numbskulls combined! He might not be a pony, but at least he acts like an actual bucking adult. It’s not his fault you’re too Celestia damn stupid to see that a pony’s life is just as important as everyone else’s.” The venom in Whisk’s voice is practically dripping. “So, grow some bucking balls, and get him back here.” The pony scoffs.

“I don’t take orders from you. Besides, who else actually cares about the stupid ape anyway?” He asks. Whisk starts to reply, but the sound of someone clearing their throat stops them. Everyone looks over in surprise to see Twilight, giving a confident smile. Whisk smiles back. Perfect timing.

“Princess Twilight,” the sergeant says, bowing.

“Please rise. I want to show you something,” she says simply. She gestures the sergeant to walk outside with her. The pony walks out, confusion on his face. Upon leaving the small office, his eyes widen as he sees a small crowd of various creatures, most of which are ponies. “Earlier today, I started gathering up anyone willing to help Anon. I actually didn’t expect to get so many creatures.” Twilight turns to Buff. “Please listen to them sergeant. It might be worth it.” Two hippogriffs come up first. A blue hippogriff, and an orange hippogriff.

“Back in our country, our relationship was considered illegal. We barely managed to escape with our lives,” the blue one says.

“When the Human looked at our passports, he realized that I had made a terrible mistake. However, he gave me a chance for some bizarre reason,” the orange one says with a smile. “Now, I’m much happier where I am, and no one judges our relationship.” They step back as a pony walks up. He laughs as he approaches.

“Anon is one of best inspectors I know! He never gave me any special treatment, despite the pay I could give him. Now, we’re close friends! He got me to quit selling drugs. When he continued to believe in me, I tried to get new job! Now, I have happy wife, happy job, happy life!” The strangely accented pony laughs. A crystal pony mare walks up with a slight smile.

“Whenever I go to a Checkpoint, I’m always embarrassed from being the way I am. The questioning looks I get from the inspectors is always a little off putting since I look like a mare. However, Anon just didn’t care. No fuss, no problems.” A blue pony with a purple hat and cape walks up.

“Trixie was almost denied from the Human’s Checkpoint. If he had denied Trixie, Trixie would have to go back to that blasted Minotaur Country without anything! Trixie was actually broke at the time,” she says. A grey pegasus walks up.

“Mr Anon is such a nice guy! I’ve known him for years, and he’s always patient with me! Once, I forgot my passport, but he let me in on the promise that I get him some muffins! They were pretty good muffins too!” Celestia gazes at the crowd of ponies that have gathered to defend Anon. A zebra walks up to share her story.

“Anon is not a foe, but a friend. He’s always been fair, to the end. He cares not for lust or wealth. Hence why I suggest you get over yourself.” An orange earth pony walks up.

“Anon’s a work load, I’d know, but he’s pretty lenient on a lot of things. He just doesn’t like to tolerate none of ya’ll’s nonsense,” she chuckles. A blue pegasus swoops down.

“He might be a jerk, but he’s alright,” she adds. A yak comes up.

“Human is Best Human! Yak likes Best Human!” He yells. Celestia continues to smile as everyone gives out their protest to Anon’s dismissal. Suddenly, she feels a tug on her wing. Celestia looks down to see Whisk nervously looking at her. Raising a brow, Celestia leans down to hear the griffon.

“Hey, uh, I kinda have a problem,” she says. She coughs uncomfortably, gesturing towards the two little griffons. “See, uh, Anon and I are in a predicament...”

After going inside to one of the office buildings to continue their conversation, Celestia nods as Whisk finishes up explaining her recent tales. “... This is definitely tricky,” Celestia says. “... Are you sure you-“

“Princess, with respect, I’ve been checking everywhere to see if someone wants to adopt,” Whisk interrupts. Celestia secretly taps the magic of her horn to see if Whisk is telling the truth. She can't really believe the words she's been saying. “I’ve asked around, I’ve put up papers, I’ve gone to orphanages... No one’s willing,” Whisk says. Celestia’s face turns to confusion as she sees Whisk isn’t lying.

“N-no one?” Celestia asks incredulously. She stops as she remembers the world’s situation and sighs. “Well, I guess it makes sense. The world is in a torn up state of distrust, and economic problems certainly aren’t helping,” she mutters.

“So what am I supposed to do?” Whisk asks worriedly. “I-I don’t want to abandon them, but I can’t just keep them! I-I think I’ve already been pushing my luck with how long we’ve had them already.”

“... Come, we need to talk to Anon. I believe there is a way to compromise,” Celestia says. Whisk shakes her head.

“Wouldn't he see that as a bad thing?” Whisk asks. “I mean, I don’t want to make him mad-“

“I understand, but you really do have limited options,” Celestia says. “I’m not going to suggest that he should be forced to be a father, but I think I know how there can be a decent solution.” As Celestia turns, Whisk stops her.

“Hey, uh, I have another question,” she says. Celestia stops and turns to her with a patient smile. “... Why are you vouching for him so much now?” She asks. Celestia blinks.

“W-what?”

“It’s just...” Whisk rubs her arm uncomfortably. “... Whenever Anon talks about you, he’s never mentioned you would care this much. He kinda gave the impression that you didn’t care about him at all, until recently.” Celestia takes a breath and gives out a long sigh, trying to think of how to explain it.

“... I admit, normally I wouldn’t put this much effort into something of this little magnitude-“

“Oh for buck’s sake, give me a straight answer,” Whisk mutters. Celestia stops to look at Whisk for moment, before bursting into giggles.

“Alright. I guess the simplest way to put it is, I realized that I made many errors upon judging Anon,” she says. She frowns as she continues. “From the moment I knew of his existence, I never really paid much mind. I thought he would not prove to be much use of my time since other priorities seemed bigger at the time. I trusted Twilight to continue making sure he wasn't a problem. I uh, I kind of forgot about him.”

“Wait, you forgot about a new, alien species existing in your country?” Whisk asks, bemusement slowly forming on her face. Celestia sighs.

“Well, it was brought to my attention that Twilight had summoned him. I figured she could handle him, and I realize that’s where my first mistake started,” Celestia admits. “I kept tabs on him, of course, but I never really interacted with him. All I needed to know at first was whether he was dangerous or not.”

“Awfully stupid,” Whisk comments.

“I see Anon’s charm rubbed off on you,” Celestia remarks, smirking. “In any case, it kind of escalated after we made that fateful bet. However, I only truly realized how wrong I was about him on the second month he was working, when he almost sacrificed himself for others..." Celestia shakes her head, disappointed by her earliest actions. "From there, I paid more and more attention. I realized that he was rather smart and somehow kind to others, a combination that is rare to find. Thus, I decided that I owe him, though I know I won't be able to live down that admittance if Anon knew." Whisk stares at Celestia with bemusement.

"... So, basically, you feel like you owe him," she says. Celestia rolls her eyes and nods. "Alright, just say that next time."

Later...

I sit on the couch, stuck in thought of what I want to do to make it up to Whisk. Suddenly, however, a bright flash appears. I blink in confusion as I regain my sight, seeing Luna. "Luna? The hell are you doing here?' I ask. She smirks.

"Thou hast dosed off. We're in your dream Anon," she says. "We sensed thou was-"

"Bitch bitch, go away, fuck with someone else today," I chant. Luna frowns at my antics, but continues.

"Anon, we know thou is troubled by recent events. I'd like to assure you that we will deal the this sergeant as swiftly as possible," she says. I sigh, rubbing my face. Normally, I'd resist a bit harder about talking about my problems, but I can't think of anything else to do to fix this.

"Well, that's not what's bothering me," I mutter. Luna quirks an eyebrow. "It's... I..." I struggle to find what I specifically want to say. "... I guess I'm just angry," I mutter.

"Anon, there are very few creatures that are angry for no reason. Thous is not one of them," Luna says. I feel her hop onto the couch and wrap a wing around my back.

"I didn't ask for this," I half-assedly complain.

"Thou didn't have to," she replies. "Now, tell us what's wrong."

"... I guess it's just... I snapped at Whisk, but I really shouldn't have," I start. "I should've sat down and actually talked to her about it, but my dumbass just did what I normally do..."

"Anon, canst thou elaborate to us?" Luna asks. I explain the situation as quickly as I can, earning a concerned frown. "... I see... In that case, can you tell us what you mean when you say 'actually talk'?" I sigh.

"Well, I uh... I kinda lied about those reasons I told Whisk," I say. "I just wanted to give some sort of response that makes sense."

"I see, you had an answer, but not a sensible answer," Luna says. I nod.

"Thanks for the recap episode," I mutter. "You see, I know I could be a decent father. I'm an uncle for two different kids, but when I think of being an actual parent..." I think of my Dad, gazing at me in disappointment, taking his flask and- The room suddenly morphs into my chidhood room. A bed in the corner, a desk with some haphazardly stacked Pokemon cards and a lamp, and a closet with my clothes in it. Luna and I sit on the bed, barely fitting on it. I notice two other figures in the room with us. A smaller, younger version of me standing the middle of the room, and an adult at the doorway. I put on a blank expression as I allow the scene to play in front of me.

"So... You thought you could just skip school?" a deep voice asks. "Make the teachers call me, make me look stupid?"

"Dad, I'm sorry, but I-" The man takes his flask from his pocket and slams it into the side of my head.

"No excuses!" He barks. "I had to stop what I was working on just to find your scraggily ass and bring it home! Do you have any idea how disrespectful that is!?" He yells. I sigh and think of my house. Just like that, before the scene went on, everything goes back to where it was before.

"W-what was-"

"I was fifteen, skipped school to visit a friend in the hospital. Everyone thought I was either doing drugs, or just looking to steal something. Dad found out, got me home, and punished me for checking on someone." I sigh. "The teachers looked so proud of themselves when they saw my black eye the next day. They didn't know what actually happened, but they thought I got what was coming to me." Luna sighs, shaking, and wraps her hooves around me.

"We are sorry," she says. "Things like this happen a lot, sadly. I had hoped something like that did not happen to you." I shrug.

"Well, I was the only one he hit, so it's fine." Luna shakes her head.

"Tis is not an adequate situation Anon."

"Mhmm."

"... May I guess as to why you do not wish to have children?" She asks.

"Sure, fuck it."

"Does thou, perhaps, believe thou art not worthy?" She guesses.

"Eh, something like that," I respond.

"... Does thou think thou would not be a suitable father-figure?" She tries. I nod.

"That's probably the best way to describe it." I sit back and sigh. "Luna, I've lived with an asshole for more than half of my life. I sort of know how to take care of a kid, but I don't know how to be a better role model." Luna blinks.

"... We honestly expected a different answer," she mutters.

"I honestly want to take them in," I say. "But, what if I mess up being a normal father?" Luna scoffs.

"Anon, nopony is 'normal'," she deadpans.

"Well, I meant it in role modeling terms," I mutter. "I'm fine with a kid staying a day or two, but constantly? I don't know if I can do that," I say. Luna hums in acknowledgement. "... Maybe I'll have to just, get over it?" I ask aloud. Luna shakes her head.

"Of course not Anon, that is a last resort if anything," Luna says. I nod.

"... Hey Luna, how does Whisk feel about all this?" I ask. Luna blinks in surprise before smiling.

"She is just as puzzled as thou," she answers. "We figured that thou would have figured out this dilemma by now." I roll my eyes, but nod.

"Yeah, I thought so too," I mutter. “... Should I tell Whisk the real reason?”

“Verily,” Luna says. “It is not a jest, thus Whisk shall take it seriously.” I nod.

“... Cool,” I say. Luna nods in reply.

“... Well, it seems our visit is being cut here,” Luna says. I quirk an eyebrow at her, but before I could ask what she meant, the world goes white as I wake up.

I slowly open my eyes and hear Whisk. “Anon, please wake up. I uh, need to talk to you.” I rub my eyes and look around to find Celestia and Whisk across from me. I open my mouth to say something stupid, but I shut it immediately. Now’s not a time for jokes. I sigh.

“Why’s Buttlord here?” I ask. I said I wouldn’t say anything stupid, but I’m still willing to say something insulting.

“I heard about your recent predicament, regarding children,” she says. I frown.

“Really? And why does it concern you?” I ask. Whisk sighs.

“Long story, but please try to let her help. She might have a good idea,” Whisk says pleadingly. I start to retort, but I stop myself. I don’t have any other ideas at the moment. Celestia might have an answer for once.

“Fine,” I say tiredly. Celestia nods.

“Okay, Anon, I must ask. I know what Whisk has said, but is there another reason why you do not-“

“Long story short, got daddy issues, and I’m afraid I’ll make his mistakes as a role model,” I say. Celestia blinks in surprise. “I got a visit from Moonbutt, I kinda had this conversation already,” I mutter irritably.

“Oh. Um...” Celestia rubs the back of her neck with a hoof. “... I kind of expected this to drag on.” I shrug.

“Wait, hold on,” Whisk says. She turns to me with confusion. “So, can you kind of explain that to me?” She asks.

“... Well, I guess the simplest way to say it, is that I don’t want to be a role model for them,” I say. “I don’t want to really be seen as their dad.” Whisk nods, processing what I’m saying. “You see, I’m afraid that if they think of me as their father, they’ll be disappointed or something like that.”

“... I believe I have a solution,” Celestia says. I quirk an eyebrow towards her as Whisk looks at her with confusion. “In Canterlot, we have the resources to carefully give the children a suitable home, just hand them to me.” Whisk and I blink before Whisk smiles.

“So they’ll have a home?” She asks. Celestia nods, smiling. Whisk and I give a big sigh of relief, hugging each other. She turns to me and hugs me. “Oh thank you, I was so worried. I’m so sorry for everything Anon, I didn’t-“

“it’s in the past,” I say. “But for future reference, let’s not go through that shit again.” Whisk nods, hugging tighter.

“Alright then, it’s official,” Celestia says. “I shall have the little griffons sent to a foster home. If either of you require anything else-

“I want to ask you something,” I start. Celestia stops and looks at me. “... What are you playing at here?” I ask. She sighs. “Every time you’re really nice, you want something. I know you’re a good puppeteer. So tell me, why all this sudden concern?” I ask. Whisk doesn’t bother letting me go, instead deciding that I’m too comfy.

“... I’ll reveal it to you one day Anon, but not today,” Celestia says. With that, she teleports out of the house. I grimace at that.

“Sounds like ominous foreshadowing that sends red flags to normal people, but okay,” I say sarcastically. Whisk sighs.

“...”

“... Whisk, are you okay?” I ask. She nods.

“... I just... I’m just hoping we won’t fight each other anymore,” she says. I sigh, patting her head.

“It’s fine Whisk, but don’t fight me so hard on something like this ever again, okay?” I ask. She slightly nods her head.

“Okay,” she answers. “I’m sorry...”

“You don’t have to-“

“Yes I do,” she intjects. “I was bitchy, and-“ I stop her by gently grabbing her head and guiding it to look at me.

“Do you see this face?” I ask. “Does this look like the face of ‘I’m going to beat the shit out of you’?” Whisk shakes her head. “Then it’s fine. At the very least, you apologized. That’s more than what most people have done Whisk.” I peck her head with a kiss. “From now on, do you promise to try and be patient before making an end-all-be-all decision?” I ask her. She nods, going back to hugging me. I pat her head. “Okay. As long as you keep that promise,” I say.

Meanwhile

Sergeant Buff sits on his couch, wondering what he should do. Seeing the amount of creatures, both pony and non-pony, vouching for Anon, has kinda put him on edge. It could actually hurt the Checkpoint’s reputation if he turns him down again. However, his higher ups kind of don’t care about reputation at the moment, having bigger concerns about the war front. Yet again, if he turns down the ape, the higher up of the higher ups will not view that as a favorable action. But even still, his higher ups are still majorly in control of various of the Checkpoint due to the war. Sergeant Buff growls in frustration, wondering why the hell this ape has so many creatures doing this for him. However, before he could continue these thoughts, a knock on the door interrupts him. He sighs and gets up.

Opening the door, he can see a regular pegasus, lighting a cigarette. “Can I help you?” Buff asks.

“Well, Yeah, but I’d rather you help a friend of our’s,” he responds. Suddenly, the door slams open, throwing Buff to the ground as a large earth pony busts in. The pegasus walks in, casually smoking. “You see, our boss noticed that a certain creature stopped working at a certain Checkpoint. Then, he kinda got mad.” He stops to breathe in, and blow out the smoke. “When there’s a problem, he sends us to fix the problem.” The earth pony pops his neck. “When we can’t fix it, the boss just sends him the next time.” The pegasus gestures to the other pony as he blows out some smoke. “Now, I don’t like going to our boss with bad news, and the big guy here doesn’t like cleaning up his messes. So, we got a proposition for ya.” Sergeant Buff starts getting up, but the earth pony stomps on him to make him go back down. The pegasus leans down, putting out his cigarette on the carpet in front of Buff’s face. “Take the ape back, or else.” With that, the pegasus gives him a final kick in the stomach before walking out, with the earth pony in tow.

Chapter 20: Fuck Ups And Some Shit

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 21: So This is Some Weird Shit

In a Castle In Minotaur Kingdom...

The cloaked pony shrieks in absolute anger, sitting beside the red Minotaur King. “YOU DID WHAT!?!?” The dragon messenger smirks.

“We gave those griffons what was-“ he gets cut off by a magical grip around his throat, bringing him up to the pony’s face. “Wh-Wha-“

“No, what you did was throw off our advancements and resources, you useless, brainless lizards!” She throws him to the ground, making a crack from the stone floor. The dragon gets up with a hint of dizziness. “The griffons were fine, we didn’t need them,” the pony seethes. “We could have dealt with them later, when we didn’t have as many enemies facing us. We were already at a standstill, now we have another threat to deal with!” The dragon gulps as he gets his bearings. “Tell your ruler this, if they don’t get Princess Ember back-“

“Pfft, we don’t need that snarky priss!” The dragon yells. The cloaked pony face hoofs. The dragon gets lifted up again, before being slammed into the floor, creating a bigger dent.

“If I didn’t need to rely on you, I would have half a mind to make your species extinct,” she mutters. “Look, tell your ruler that-“

“My king! My king!” A Minotaur soldier calls, running down the long throne room.

“What?” The hypnotized red King asks.

“The griffons! They declared war on us! They’re joining the Euestrians!” He replies. The pony sighs deeply, dragging her hooves down her face.

“Great, just great...”

“W-what?! Why would-“ The dragon stammers in confusion, a face of fear dawning.

“They just found the most valuable resource that almost no other country has,” the pony starts. “They managed to get up to Equestria in a manner of economy. They’re not as fragile as you think they are anymore, thus-“ The pony ceases the dragon with her magic again. “YOU DO NOT ATTACK THE BUCKING GRIFFONS!!!” She yells, slamming the dragon repeatedly into the stone floor. Of course, the dragon’s able to take it due to its scales, but he’ll definitely still feel it.

This just became a lot harder for the pony’s plan. First, the dragons split up because the princess finally caught wind of who she’s sending her dragons to attack. Here’s a fun thing about contracts during a war, you don’t have to explicitly say who you need help attacking. When a princess is having economic problems, she’d accept anyone’s money, no question. That is, until she figures out who she’s attacking. Secondly, this mess. The griffons. They became rather fortified and dangerous recently. She didn’t want to test their strength while she’s just starting. The pony briefly contemplates whether or not she should just go ahead and backstab them. It’s not like she wasn’t going to do that, but she wanted to take advantage of their resourcefulness first...

Meanwhile

It’s been a few weeks since the little incident at the Checkpoint, with the Crusaders. It’s August now, time really flies. The griffons joined Equestria’s side, after a terrible bombing on one of their bases. Ever since then, the tides slowly turned. Equestria’s forces were helped by Griffonstone’s forces, supporting us with supplies, weapons, even their soldiers. However, they had more archers than the Minotaurs, thus making it a greater advantage for us. We’ve pushed back even harder than before, and it certainly shows with how much ground we gained.

Anyway, I’ve been doing pretty much the same. Whisk and I got to see a movie or two, mostly cheesy romance comedies. Seriously, who the fuck falls in love with someone by spending an hour with them? In any case, I finally worked up the courage to try to confront Segway today... Well, that’s what I would say if I wasn’t scared. However, I thought, ‘why not tell Spearhead? He’d know how to handle this!’ Then I remembered the whole ‘his wife’s pregnant’ thing, as well as his freak out when the war started... Probably not the best time. I will say this though, I’ve kept an eye on Segway. Him and his girlfriend have been really close, apparently. He even went out to another dinner or two before going to a movie. Shoeside had transferred, though it had nothing to do with me. He transferred over to Lucky’s Checkpoint. He was a great secretary.

Which leads me to today, the day where I have to interview a couple dozen ponies to fill in Shoeside’s spot. I sit at my desk, sighing as I hear knocking at the door. I’m doing the interviewing because I know what kind of pony makes a good secretary, and I don’t want someone batshit crazy or annoying. I normally wouldn’t work on a Sunday like today. However, I can’t find any other day to actually do this. I look at the clock. It’s almost three. “Come in!” I call, taking up my clipboard. The door creaks open to reveal a brown pony with a disheveled mane. I nod towards a seat as I look at the clipboard. “Mister... Oak?” I ask. He nods, sitting down.

“Yes uhh...” He blinks as he looks at me. “... Are you a guy or a girl?” He asks seriously. I sigh. “Hey, there’s a time and place for-“

“Get the fuck out,” I interject. I’m not having a fucking Pokémon professor’s bullshit in here. “Next!” I call as Oak leaves.

The next applicant is a twitchy light blue pony. His green eyes are so dilated, I almost thought he took drugs. I shake my head, getting rid of those thoughts. “So you’re miss-“

“Thename’sTwitchy,butI’mnottootwitchybecauseIdrinkthoseBlueBullEnergydrinksandcaffeinehelpsmecalmdownalotbecauseI’msuperduper-“ I clamp her mouth shut.

“Do you have an addiction to energy drinks?” I ask plainly. She looks around with her eyes before shrugging. “Then please leave.” In an instant, she jets off. I sigh, crossing out her name. “Next!” This is going to take a while. The next applicant is a blue-ish pony. However, the moment he notices me, he grimaces. “Nope, I’m not going to work for a monkey,” he mutters. With that, he leaves. I scoff.

“Next!” I call, ignoring the rude asshole.

After an hour or two, I look over all the crossed out names. One fucker’s left to choose, but I swear to God if they’re just as much of an annoyance or an asshole like everyone else, I’m going to snap their fucking neck. I take a deep breath out. “Hey! Uh, can I come in yet?” I hear a female voice call.

“Please, come in,” I say. The door opens, revealing a blue mare with freckles. Her mane’s a little curly.

“Um, hey, my name’s Clipper,” she says uncertainly, seeing me. I nod, seeing her name.

“Cool, sit down,” I say. She quickly sits down. “Please don’t be a fucking walnut,” I mutter under my breath.

“What?” She asks. I wave my hand, feigning it off.

“Nothing, nothing. So miss Clipper, you want to take this secretary job?” I ask. She nods. “Great, thanks for answering correctly, unlike applicant ten,” I say seriously. She blinks in confusion. “Now, what makes you think you can handle this job?” I ask. “Make it a short answer please.” She stops herself from answering and looks at the ground uncertainly.

“... I uh... I guess I believe in myself?” She guesses. I quirk an eyebrow.

“You’re not sure?” I ask. She shakes her head. I hum in acknowledgement, pretending to write something down. Instead, I’m actually making a little doodle of a car, next to a doodle of a hotdog I made an hour ago. Clipper tenses as she sees me do that, since she has no idea what’s on the paper. “Now, next question,” I lean towards her. “Do you know what you’re getting into?” I ask. I admit, I kinda feel bad for not giving Shoeside enough credit for when he was working here. He had to deliver certain papers to certain posts, check over bills and letters, sort said bills and letters, etc. Basically, something that would drive me up the wall if I had to do that as well as what I already do.

“... I’m not sure,” she says. I nod, improving my car doodle.

“Nice. Now, final question,” I say. “How early are you willing to wake up?” I ask.

“I guess as early as I need to,” she says. I nod.

“Awesome. You got the job, congrats, come back tomorrow at five to five thirty,” I say, packing up my stuff. The mare blinks in confusion as I get up to leave.

“W-Wait, isn’t there a debating period or-“

“Do you want this job?” I ask her impatiently. “There is literally no one else right now, and the papers are starting to stack. I’ll try to cut you some slack, but I make no promises.” Clipper gulps audibly. “Well? Do you want this job?”

“U-uh, um, ye-Yes!” She answers nervously.

“Awesome, see you tomorrow dark and early,” I say, heading out. Before I close the door, I mutter under my breath. “Thank god there’s at least someone that looks competent.”

It’s four thirty in the morning, and Whisk sighs as I put on my hat. “Why did you make meeting her so early?” She asks tiredly.

“Because I’ll need to show her where everything is,” I say. “Because God forbid someone else having any fucking time to train her.” I turn to Whisk, pecking her head. “I love you, don’t get in trouble,” I joke, heading out the door.

“Bye, don’t forget to think of what you want for dinner!” Whisk calls as I close the door. Smiling to myself, I start walking away. Suddenly, I hear a meow behind me. I stop and turn to see a familiar black cat in front of my door.

“Kettle?” I ask. The little crap meows and comes up to me. “What the- I haven’t seen you in months!” It meows back in response. I think Kettle went missing before Whisk and I found the little griffons, but I guess we completely forgot about her. “You’re so lucky Whisk forgot about you, otherwise she would have done a manhunt for your ass,” I chastise, crouching down. It meows and looks over to an alleyway. I look in the same direction to see a lot of cats in the shadows, smaller than Kettle. I put two and two together and scoff. “Motherhood?” I ask. Kettle meows in reply. “Hm... So why are you here?” I wonder aloud. Kettle simply meows before licking my hand and going to her kittens. “... Well, whenever you feel like it, you can come back home,” I say. Kettle stops to look at me. We stare at each other for a minute before Kettle runs off to her litter. I stand up, putting my hands in my pockets as I watch them disappear into the darkness of the alley.

“... Weird cat,” I mutter jokingly. With that, I turn back towards where I was going, and continue on.

It’s almost six, Clipper and I are almost done with the basics of her job. I decided to give her something easy today. “Remember, the post boxes are here, here, and here,” I point out on a map I grabbed as we walk. Clipper looks at the spots I pointed to and nods. “Today is going to be easy for you, just sort out which letters go to which box, and the Checkpoint’s mailmare will take care of the rest from there. A little tip, all the letters have a stamp. Pay attention to the stamps, got it?”

“Yes sir.”

“Good. You’re a quick learner so far, let’s hope you actually retained anything,” I say, guiding us to the office building. Walking in, I point at the front desk. “This is your main place, it’s right outside my office,” I clarify. I stop walking to turn to her. “Now, I’m not in my office most of the day, but I’ll be here around six or seven until eight to ten at night. If you have any concerns or you need something explained, come to me,” I say.

“O-okay,” Clipper says nervously.

“Hey, kid, lighten up, you got simple stuff today,” I say, patting her back. She nods, smiling nervously. “Oh, and one important thing-“ I point to a radio with a walkie talkie on top of it. “-the radio can be used for music, but the walkie talkie is for stuff like security.” I turn to her as she looks around. “Welcome to day one of God-knows how long.” I look at the clock. “Right, I have to go. Don’t set anything on fire,” I say quickly, leaving Clipper.

“U-uh, will do!” She calls out. I smile to myself as I get out, getting a good feeling about today.

It’s noon, and I want to bash my fucking head in. “WHAT DO YOU FUCKING MEAN THE WOOD IS OVERWEIGHT!?!?” I scream into the communication device.

“I’m tellin’ ya-“ the transfer officer stops to bite something crunchy. After a moment of silence, he responds. “... It’s a fat piece of wood.” I drag my hand down my face. Ever since an hour ago, there’s a holdup with a different part of the Checkpoint. There’s a line that deals with carts that pass through, large containments, etc. However, they couldn’t figure out something earlier, and it’s making a holdup. Then, they contacted me since I was the Checkpoint’s manager. It’s been like this for a fucking hour.

“Okay, let’s try this again, describe to me, in detail, how the fuck this wood is fat,” I seethe.

“Weeeelp...” The officer smacks his lips. “... I have a buddy name Timber, and he said that somethin’ might be wrong with the wood...” The officer takes another minute to take a bite out of something.

“Are you fucking eating- you know what, fuck it, continue.”

“... So, I asked him, ‘What?’ And he says, ‘Well, it’s all kinda purple-y-ish, but it’s too dark to say for certain.”

“Dark- what do you mean it’s too dark!? It’s fucking noon!” I say.

“Weeeeelp... Timber says that it’s a special delivery or somethin’. All hush-hush apparently. Heck, he’s even saying it might not even be wood.” I slam my head on to the desk. I sit up and sigh before responding.

“So, none of you have any fucking idea what it is?” I ask, pinching the bridge of my nose.

“Nnnope,” the officer responds.

“Then why the fuck DID YOU CALL IT WOOD!?!?” I shriek.

“... I dunno,” he responds. I groan loudly in anger before getting up.

“THAT’S IT!!!” I yell, “I’M COMING OVER THERE!!!” I jam the radio into my pockets before storming out. Barely anyone comes up anyway. I turn left once I’m out of my office and spot Spearhead, marching with the rest of his squad. He sees me and his eyes go wide as I storm up. “Come on, I want to make sure someone sees me in self defense,” I say angrily, grabbing him as I pass by.

“Wha- ow! What the-!?” He complains. “What’s going on- what do you mean self defense!?”

“It’s self defense because my brain cells will commit suicide if I hear one more stupid fucking thing from that mother fucker’s mouth!” I yell. The rest of Spearhead’s guard-buddies shrug as I drag him away before continuing on.

Spearhead and I arrive at the line that’s been held up for almost an hour and a half now. A guard confronts me as I walk up. “Halt, I must-“

“Get the fuck out of my way,” I grit, shoving him aside easily. Spearhead rolls his eyes and helps up the fallen guard as I continue on. I stop at the Checkpoint and look around. There’s a large gate that slides apart to allow entrants through. I can imagine at least an elephant or two being able to walk through it. Like my station, the stone walls of the Checkpoint reach high to the sky. It kind of makes me dizzy. There are five guards in front of the gate. The gate itself is like a giant metal door, with a smaller door at the center for regular creatures to walk through. I come up to it and knock. The door opens and I see another generic fucking guard. He apparently recognizes me and sighs before allowing me through. I immediately see the huge cart in question, but it’s covered in blankets. I really want to yank the fucking sheets off, but if it’s a ‘special delivery’, which might mean I can’t do that. I look around to see five or six different guards, a couple of griffons driving the cart, and a griffon talking to one of the soldiers. “Alright,” I start calmly, grabbing everyone’s attention. “Who here is the fuckwit that I’ve been talking to FOR AN ENTIRE FUCKING HOUR!?!?” I scream. The solider talking to the griffon raises his hoof in the air.

“Yeeep. That’d be me,” He says. I walk over to him, with my eye twitching.

“Alright, now who’s this jackass?” I ask, gesturing to the griffon.

“Well that’s rude-“ I interrupt the griffon by sending him a death glare.

“Rude?” I ask. “RUDE!?!?” I screech. I point at the cart. “You know what’s rude!? Having everyone wait on your fatass cart to fucking move!” The griffon flinches. I turn to the transfer officer. “Have any of you fucking dimwits figured out what the fuck is in there?” I ask. The griffon clears his throat, grabbing my attention.

“If you needed to know, just ask,” he says. I look at the transfer officer.

“... Please tell me you’ve asked him,” I say quietly. The transfer officer hums, scratching his chin.

“Weeeell... I must have forgotten,” he says calmly. I take a deep, deep breath in. I let it out, trying to keep my boiling blood in check.

“Okay... Okay. Okay! OKAY!!!” I yell. “LOOK HERE YOU FUCKING HALF-BAKED FUCKWIT-“ I promptly continue screaming out lines and lines of curse words as I vent out how fucking stupid this is. The guards slowly back away from me as I continue. I also keep making various gestures as I continue venting. Spearhead walks out and stops as he sees me. He starts snickering and takes out a paper bag. He sits down, taking out a bottle of soda. Unscrewing it, it gives a satisfying crack before he takes off the lid and sips on it. He sighs in comfort as he watches me continue.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this mad,” he says to a guard next to him as I continue my rant.

“Does- does he normally do this?” The guard asks. Spearhead shrugs and sips his soda.

“Kinda, kinda not. Normally he doesn’t go on for this long,” he replies.

It’s been five minutes, and Spearhead’s done with his lunch. I pant as I finish up my rant. “-and I swear to God, I will snap your fucking neck if you do this bullshit again!” I yell out, panting. The griffon looks between me and the transfer officer in nervousness.

“... Alright, sounds good,” the officer says plainly. I nod, panting.

“Good, now what the fuck’s in there?” I ask the griffon.

“E-ehm, just some resources for Equestria. It’s a uh-“ he leans in. “It’s the new mineral we found in our country,” he whispers. I nod.

“Cool,” I say calmly. The griffon reaches over to his saddlebag to pull out a cigar. He hands it to me. “Oh, no thanks, I don’t-“

“I insist,” the griffon says. I look at the cigar. It’s one of those fat cigars people in old cartoons would use. I look at the griffon, who’s smiling. Not in any shady way, just a regular smile. I look back at the cigar.

“... Fuck it,” I mutter, taking the cancer stick. The griffon nods and takes out a lighter. Taking it, I try to flick a fire up. After a few, frustrating tries, the griffon takes it back to calmly click a fire to life. I scoff and take the lighter, putting the flame to the cigar. Once it’s lit, I close the light, giving it back to the griffon before taking a breath of smoke in. I cough almost immediately afterwards. “Ugh, fuck,” I complain. The griffon chuckles.

“Only idiots suck in cigar smoke,” he says. “Just let it fill your mouth naturally, it’s not a cigarette.” I give him a glare and flip him off before trying again. It’s smoother this time, though it’s still rough. However, it is oddly relaxing. I breathe out, letting the smoke out into air. I notice Spearhead walking up as I take in another breath.

“Anon? Smoking?” He asks incredulously. I roll my eyes.

“Fuck off,” I mutter, letting smoke out as I talk.

“Sorry, it’s just... I’d never thought you to be a smoking type,” he says. I breathe in the cigar before turning to the transfer officer and the griffon.

“Right, anyway, we still need to check it just to make sure it’s what you say it is. Protocol and all,” I say. As I take in another drag, the griffon allows a few guards to come and take a look. After a minute, the guards come back and nod. “Awesome, now let’s go.” I walk back through the door as the bigger doors open. “I’ll return to my shift, please don’t make me come out again,” I say as I calmly walk back to my post. Spearhead follows close behind me as everyone carries on.

I walk into the office building, yawning. There haven’t been any more incidents since six hours ago, which puts me in a good mood. Now, I just gotta check up on- “Look, can you two please just leave?” I hear Clipper say. I look up to see two guards without their helmets on, standing in front of Clipper.

“Aw come on, we’re only asking if you want to come to the club with us,” one of them says.

“Yeah! It’d be totally fun!” The other says. I clear my throat, making the both of them spin around to face me.

“Can I help you?” I ask, crossing my arms. I’d say they didn’t look like they belong there, but all the guards look so similar, I couldn’t honestly be able to tell if they did or didn’t.

“Well, uh, we were just asking if she wanted to have fun,” one answers.

“Did she say yes or no?”

“We just thought-“

“Did she say yes? Or did she say no?” I ask again.

“S-she said no,” they answer.

“Then stop bothering her before I report your asses to Spearhead,” I threaten. They both gulp and quickly pass me, going out the door. Clipper sighs.

“Thank you, they’ve been following me for an hour now,” she says. I nod.

“If any of the guards start harassing you again, tell them that you’re busy with something either me or Spearhead told you to do. They know me well enough to know how mad I’d be, and they know Spearhead’s willing to teach them a lesson.” Clipper nods. “I advise you to try and talk to Spearhead at some point. He’s a nice pony to know around here,” I say.

“Will do,” she replies. I nod and start heading to my office. “Oh, uh, I sorted through as many letters as I could!” Clipper says quickly. I turn to her with a raised eyebrow.“I uh, made a system-“

“Write it down,” I say. “Just explain how the system works on a paper or something. I’ll read over it at some point today or tomorrow. Just don’t think that the system will always work.” With that, I go into my office.

I write out ‘fuck you’ on a paper as I hear a knock on my door. I stop and look at the door in confusion. It’s almost nine, who the fuck is still here other than the guards? “Come in,” I say. My eyes widen to see a tired looking Clipper, opening the door slowly. “The hell- why are you still here?” I ask in confusion.

“... I didn’t know when I get off,” she answers. I blink after a couple seconds and sigh.

“You could have left an hour ago. I’m sorry I forgot to tell you,” I say, going back to my papers.

“It’s okay, I’ll see you tomorrow,” she replies, closing the door. I sigh, rubbing my face. How could I have forgotten something like that? I shake my head and just continue working. The door opens again, revealing Clipper. “Oh! I almost forgot!” She yells, scaring the fuck out of me. I clear my throat before looking at her, tired. “I wrote out my system! Here you go,” she says, handing me her paper. I take it to see lots of words. “Bye Mister Anon!” She says, closing the door. I sigh.

“Great... More words,” I mutter. I stop as I realize I forgot to check something. Like my own office, there’s a machine that keeps track of what the worker at the desk does. It keeps track of movements, decisions, and results. I get up and walk to the door. I don’t really know what to expect, so I just brace myself and open the door. I walk to her desk and scan over it. I see lots of doodles on a paper, three piles of letters, and a rulebook. No citations. I hum in interest. “... Good so far.” I smirk and return to my office. I’ll read her system tomorrow. For now, I’m going home.

I open the door to find Whisk laying on the couch, sipping on a soda as she watches television. “Hey Anon,” she says, looking up and taking a sip.

“Whisk, it’s almost midnight, why are you up?” I ask her, hanging up my hat and coat.

“Because I love you,” she says. I grimace.

“Any better reason?” I ask, sitting next to her.

“Nnnnnope,” she says, taking another sip.

“How are you going to get up early?” I ask her. She wriggles around, before coming up to me.

“Coffee,” she says simply.

“Oh yeah?” I ask, smirking. Suddenly, Whisk frowns.

“... Did you smoke?” She asks. I drop my smirk as I look at her in surprise. It also dawns on me that she’s still a predator by nature.

“... Yes,” I answer.

“How many?”

“One.” Whisk stares at me for a minute before sighing.

“Don’t smoke,” she simply says.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to smoke again,” I say dismissively, looking up to the television.

“Mhmm,” Whisk says, not really believing me. She turns back to the television, cuddling up to me.

It’s five in the morning as I walk out of the convenience store with a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. It’s only a pack, I don’t need that many for this week. I go ahead and take out a cig, lighting the lighter, and light the cig. I take a drag as I walk to work.

It’s five thirty as I show Clipper today’s new instructions. “Today, it’s a little harder. Nothing much, but I’ll need you to sort through the letters coming in, as well as going out. There’s a lot today because no one did it yesterday. You don’t have to get to all of them, but get through as many as you can,” I say. “Like the letters that were going out yesterday, just put them in piles. I’ll go through it myself afterwards. Capiche?” Clipper nods.

“Yes sir,” she says.

“Kid, just call me Anon, I’m not old enough to be sir,” I say, taking out a cigarette. Clipper blinks as I take out my lighter and light it.

“Uh, isn’t this a no-smoking-“

“Don’t care,” I say, breathing out some smoke.

“... At least don’t smoke around my desk,” she mutters under her breath.

“What?” I ask, not sure if I heard her.

“... Is it okay if you don’t smoke around my desk?” She asks. I nod.

“Sure, sorry,” I say. I go ahead and start walking out.

“Thank you!” She calls. I open the door and step outside, only to be stopped by Segway. He stops as he sees me and widens his eyes.

“Anon? You’re-“

“If it’s a comment about me smoking,” I grit through the cig. “I’m going to put this out, on your face.” Segway coughs and looks at me with concern.

“Anon, I’ve never seen you smoke. Why are you smoking? Don’t you know-“

“Yeah yeah, toxins, chemicals, the whole shebang’s in this cancer-inducing paper stick,” I say, gesturing to my pack. “I know, it’s bad for me, but at this point, I don’t care anymore.” I take a drag before trying to puff up a ring of smoke. Instead, it looks like regular-shaped smoke. “Damn,” I mutter.

“Anon, I’m just saying-“

“Segway, I don’t care,” I say, starting my walk over to my small office to begin the day. Coming up to it, I stop outside the small building to finish up my cig. Once I put it out, I head inside and toss it into a metal bin under my desk. Sitting down, I gather up my senses and lean towards the mic. “Next!”

The first entrant is a griffon I haven’t seen in a while. Snowy, Bacon’s wife, steps in with Maple in tow. Both of them stop and scrunch up their faces as they enter. “Sorry, something was... burning, earlier,” I say.

“Uncle Anon!” Maple says, rushing up to the window. Maple’s definitely taller, almost reaching the windowsill. His feathers are a darker red than the last time I saw him.

“Hey kiddo, hey Snowy,” I greet. Snowy sighs as she walks up.

“Bacon will be coming at some point tomorrow, he had to work another day today,” she says.

“Darn,” I say, shaking my head, taking their passports. “We can talk more later, today’s a busy day for me, sorry,” I continue, scanning their papers.

“It’s okay Uncle Anon,” Maple says. I smile up at him as I stamp their passports green.

“Good. See you guys,” I say, handing their papers back. As they leave, I lean towards the mic. “Next!”

The next entrant I see makes me stop. A tall, green and orange changeling with deer antlers walks in. “Uh, hi, I’m-“

“What in the fuck happened to you?” I ask. He blinks in confusion.

“W-what?”

“Your color scheme... what the fuck?” I ask in disgust. The changeling blinks.

“U-um-“

“You know what? Just... just get over here,” I say. “Fuck it, I’ve seen worse.” The changeling comes up to me and hands me his passport.

“Um, uh, my name’s Thorax,” he says. I nod absentmindedly as I scan through his passport. Diplomat papers check out, his passport checks out... I shrug and stamp green.

“Alright, here you go Lord of the Flies,” I say, handing him his passport. He blinks in confusion as he takes his papers.

“B-but I’m-“

“Next!” I quickly say into the mic. Thorax sighs and leaves. The next entrant is, surprisingly, Luna. She sighs as she walks in.

“Anon, we art so tired, we are ready to greet Death with open arms,” she says. I sigh.

“Really? Why?”

“There was a conflict of some sort on the frontlines. Not of combat, but of the soldiers. We hath learned that everyone is getting more and more exhausted as the days go by,” she says. I nod.

“Yeah, war tends to do that shit,” I say wisely.

“The only thing keeping me sane is this luxurious liquid,” Luna says, pulling out a flask to take a sip, only to find it empty. “Damn,” she mutters.

“... How many flasks do you-“

“Hold on for a moment,” Luna says. Her horn glows, and a portal opens up beside her. On the other side of the portal, I can see a bookshelf with tons of flasks. I gawk at the scenery before Luna closes it, holding a new flask in her hoof. She unscrews it and takes a swig.

“Luna, how many have you had today?” I ask in concern.

“... Five twenty,” she says confidently. I just stare at her as I try to process that.

“... Right, papers please,” I say. She hands me her papers and I go through them. Stamping it green, I hand her papers back. She takes them, and almost walks out the wrong way. “Luna, the exit is that way,” I say, pointing where she’s supposed to go. She looks over and nods.

“Verily,” she says. Walking out the right way, I sigh. I grab my walkie talkie.

“Spearhead, please escort Princess Luna to her destination,” I say.

“Uh.. Oka- oh... I see her now,” he responds. “... She’s trying to push a door open, but it says pull.” I sigh and lean towards the mic.

“Next!” I sigh as I realize today is going to be a long day.

It’s almost noon, and I’m getting to the last civilian entrant for today. “Next!” I say into the mic. The next entrant steps in, being a griffon. He walks up to me, looking around.

“Man, this place smells like it’s rotting,” he says.

“No, that’s just your brain,” I say. He snaps his head to me and sighs.

“Right, so, here’s the thing-“ he stops and takes out a knife. “I’m robbing you.” I just look at the knife pointed at me.

“... Really? A knife?” I ask in disappointment. “No bomb? No portable acid?” I shake my head at him. “I mean, of all the things you could have pulled out, you pull out a knife?” The griffon scoffs.

“And what’s wrong with a knife?”

“What’s the point of having a knife if you have claws?” I ask. He starts to answer, but stops. He looks at his claws, then at the knife. He frowns as he looks back at me.

“W-well, a knife just sounded cool, okay!?” The griffon sputters.

“Dude, I’m not even going to start on the fact that you tried to rob a military Checkpoint,” I say. “Like, what the hell’s going through your head? Were you dropped as a baby?”

“Just- shut up and give me what you have!” He yells.

“No! This is bullshit!” I yell back.

“I’ll stab you if you don’t!” He yells louder.

“Oh please, go ahead, try me motherfucker!” I yell even louder. He lunges forward, through the window, but I narrowly dodge the blade and grab his arm. I twist it, before grabbing the knife and taking it away. I bring a leg up and kick him in the face. I quickly go to my drawer, unlock it, and take out my crossbow. I immediately come back up and aim it at the groaning griffon.

“Ow, buck that hurt,” he mutters.

“It’s going to hurt a lot more if you make a move,” I warn. He looks at me and freezes as he sees the ranged weapon I’m holding. He holds his claws up.

“U-uh, look, I’m sorry-“ he gets cut off as we hear screaming from my left. My heart seemingly skips a beat as I hear what sounds like war cries. “W-what’s that?!” The griffon cries.

“Get over here!” I order. He hurriedly jumps through the window, and I put him under the desk. “Stay quiet,” I warn, still aiming the crossbow. I grab my walkie talkie from my pocket and quickly speak into it.

“Alert! All soldiers! We need eyes on the Checkpoint’s wall facing north, please respond!” I say quickly. After a moment, I hear sirens, shortly before explosions ring out, shaking the room.

“Oh Celestia! What’s going on!?” The griffon yells.

“Inspector! Stay in your room! I repeat, stay in your-“ the radio gets cut off as another explosion rocks the building.

“Dammit!” I yell, getting down. “Hang on man, everything’s going to be-“ I get interrupted by a heavy sounding ding. I peek over the windowsill to find a dent on the metal door entrants enter. “Shit, stay quiet,” I mutter to the griffon. He whimpers, but stays quiet. I look around and grab the knife I had dropped to get the crossbow. I set it in my pocket, hoping it won’t stab me. I go back down and wait for whatever happens next. Another ding sounds out. Then, another. Finally, the door is seemingly blasted open, falling to the floor. Other than the sirens and explosions, all is quiet for a minute. I keep staring at the wall behind my swivel seat, huddled next to the griffon. I look over to him to gesture for him to keep quiet. Slowly, cautiously, I bring my head above the desk. Through the window, I can see a tall Minotaur, scanning the room. He doesn’t see me, good. However, he still steps in.

“Stupid leader,” he mutters. “Sending me to do task alone. I wish to be climbing the walls, not doing tedious task of ‘breaking doors open’.” I watch as he goes to the door across from him. He tries to touch it, but the enchantment stops him from doing so. “What the- magic door? I don’t have time for this, I’ll just bash it open!” He takes his right hand and forms a fist. I remember when the enchantment’s limits were tested last time. It was not that strong. I silently groan and quietly stand up, aiming the crossbow towards him.

“Yo, shithead,” I say. He turns to me in surprise. “Ha, you looked,” I say, quickly pulling the trigger. The crossbow jolts as it sends a bolt straight into the Minotaur’s chest, making him cry out in pain, before he falls to the ground. “... That was easy,” I say, putting down my weapon. He isn’t getting up so far, and he even said he’s alone. I look down at the griffon. “Alright, just stay calm, he won’t-“ I get interrupted as I hear the Minotaur’s body shift. I look up in confusion to see him getting up, angry. “Oh shit,” I say, pulling my weapon back up. I try to fire, but the bolt narrowly misses. With this opportunity, the Minotaur grabs me by the neck and pulls me through the window. He tosses me across the room, which slams me into the concrete wall. I slide down as pain racks through my body. “F-fuck!” I groan.

“I remember you,” the Minotaur says, taking out the bolt stuck to him. “You detained me. Do you know how long prison life was?” He asks, walking up to me.

“N-not long enough,” I mutter. The Minotaur pulls his fist back and punches my leg. I hear several of my bones crack as pain shoots through my entire body. “FUUUCK!!!” I yell, trying to grab my leg. However, the Minotaur grabs my arms, lifting me up with one hand.

“You insulted me-“ he punches my stomach. “-imprison me-“ he throws me into the wall again. “-and I’m not happy.” I keep trying to hold myself together as I feel tears running down my face, groaning in pain. “Now look at you, where are your words now, stupid ape?” He asks, chuckling. I can barely even talk, too much pain is going through me. “I guess I’m glad to be here alone now, I get to watch you die.” I slowly look up to see the Minotaur’s fist getting ready to finish me off. His smile is maniacal. “See you in Tartarus,” he says. Suddenly, a cry rings out as the griffon from before jumps through the window, claws out. In moments, the Minotaur is screaming in pain as the griffon digs into him with his claws, screaming. “GET OFF!!! GET OFF!!!” He yells. I keep panting as I watch the scene unfold. Grunting, I slowly get up and reach for the knife in my pocket. I feel my blood as well as the knife, making me realize I probably cut myself at some point. I take it out, stumbling towards the fighting beasts. The Minotaur finally grabs the griffon by his arm, and throws him onto the ground. His back is turned to me. “Stupid bird, what did you think you could accomplish? I am a warrior!” I quicken my pace, reaching to him and pull back the knife. “I cannot be defeated by-“ I plunge the knife into his back as hard as I could, pulling it out just as quickly. He roars in pain, going to his knees. He turns his head to see me. “Y-you-you-“

“I don’t give-“ I plunge the knife into his back again. “-a flying fuck.” With that, the Minotaur dies, slumping to the floor. I slowly stumble to the griffon, checking his pulse. “... He’ll be fine,” I determine, slumping next to his unconscious form. I shakily sigh as I hear the battle continue outside. “... I wonder if my cigs are fine.” I pull out my pack, only to find them crushed and torn. “... Great,” I mutter, tossing them away. I simply stare at the wall, feeling tired as the adrenaline wears off... I wonder what Whisk will make for dinner?...

I hear the steady beep of a heart monitor as I regain consciousness. I slowly open my eyes to see a white hospital room. To my left, Whisk sits in a chair pulled up to me, fast asleep. I can see bags under her eyes. To my right, I can see the monitors and some chairs next to my hospital bed. I keep looking around in confusion until everything seemingly rushes back to me. “... That was the worst day I’ve ever had,” I mutter. I now realize that it kind of hurts to talk. I look around again until I finally notice a clock to my left. It’s almost midnight. I sigh, wishing I had a cig. I look back at Whisk to find she’s still asleep, thus I decide not to wake her up. Instead, I decide to look at what all I can feel and see about my body. It feels like my leg is mostly fine, my stomach feels like shit, my arms are bruised, and I can’t really move. Relatively speaking, I’m in pretty good condition. Suddenly, a pop sounds as a flash of light blinds me. I blink out the brightness to see a dark blue blue before feeling a pair of hooves hug me.

“Anon! Thank the stars!” She cries. This, in turn, wakes Whisk up with a jolt.

“This hurts,” I grunt, causing Luna to release me.

“S-sorry! Sorry!” I sigh in relief before looking up at them.

“Look, I-“ before I can continue, Whisk rushes to me, hugging me much harder than Luna. I groan in pain as she cries, sobbing into my chest.

“Dammit, this is the second time someone cried to me this week,” I mutter. Whisk ignores me, continuing her apologies and sobs. Luna frowns as she watches on.

“Please, forgive her, it’s been a few days,” Luna says. I blink as she tells me this information and look at her.

“A few days?” I ask over Whisk’s sobbing. Luna nods.

“Broken leg, broken bones, internal bleeding,” Luna lists off. I hum in acknowledgement.

“I’m guessing magic fixed me up?” I ask. Luna nods.

“That, and a lot of stitching,” she says. I nod.

“Sounds about right,” I say. I look at Whisk, who keeps crying. “Whisk? Whisk!?” I call. She stops sobbing long enough to look at me with tears in her eyes. “I’m fine, I’m right here, everything’s okay, alright?” I ask. She shakily nods her head, trying not to cry.

“I-I missed you,” she says. “I-I was afraid-“

“I’m here, don’t worry,” I try to soothe. I’d pet her, but I can’t will up enough energy to move my arms. “Everything’s going to be okay.” She nods again, laying her head on my chest.

“... I’ll leave you two alone,” Luna says, teleporting out. We sit in silence, as Whisk sniffs here and there.

“... A-Anon,” she starts.

“Hm?”

“... R-remember when w-we fought?” She asks. I simply blink, being caught off guard.

“... What?” I ask.

“W-when we had the... the babies?” She tries. It suddenly clicks as I know what she’s referring to.

“Um... yeah? What about it?” I ask.

“I’m... I’m sorry,” she says. “I-I’m so, sorry.” I look at her in confusion.

“Uh... Okay?”

“I- I never said a-anything, and I-I thought we didn’t have to b-bring it up again,” she explains. “B-but when you almost... when you almost...” Whisk takes another shuddering breath before she continues. “... I-I realized that I might not be able t-to-“

“Whisk, that was months ago,” I deadpan. “Why would I still be mad about it if I never even brought it up again?” I ask. “You know me Whisk, if there was a problem, I’d say it. Hell, I forgot about that fight ever existing!” Whisk sniffs. “Was I mad? Yes. Was I mad about what you tried? Yes. However, I realized that you were thinking about the children, and I’m not going to fault anyone for that.” I sigh. “It was a crazy week, tensions were high-“

“I’ll be better, I promise,” Whisk says quietly.

“... Whisk, just be you. I didn’t love you for being better than most creatures,” I say. “Though, I admit that’s a nice bonus.” Whisk giggles softly.

“... I really don’t deserve you,” she says.

“Yeah, you deserve better, but I’m not gonna let you go anytime soon,” I say, smirking.

“... I love you,” Whisk says.

“I love you too,” I reply. “Now, go home. You’re going to be tired before you’ll even be at work.”

“Hmm... I can live with that,” Whisk says, staying where she is. I sigh.

“Fine, but go to sleep,” I say.

“Make me,” Whisk says jokingly.

“... I will literally recite all rules and regulations regarding passport procedures-“

“Alright, you win,” Whisk says, giggling. She looks up at me, with a tear-stained face. “Goodnight.” I smile.

“Goodnight,” I say.

Author's Note

Also try A Crafter’s Dream!

Chapter Not-22: The Battle of Fuck-It

Author's Note

This is Spearhead’s perspective of the battle. A little weird, I know, but I figured it’d be a nice change before continuing Anon’s bullshit!

And forgive me for any errors I make, I’m kind of tired and out of it...

Chapter Not-22: The Battle of Fuck-It

Ten minutes before Hell broke loose...

Almost ten years in the Royal Guard. Countless nights where I would think I’d get a promotion of some sort. It all leads to this. “Spearhead, I’m giving you the most important mission of your career,” my commanding officer says. “... Please, please try to save me a carrot sandwich!” I nod, saluting.

“Yes sir, one carrot sandwich to be held on to for you, sir!” I respond.

“Good, I’ve been trying to get those sandwiches for weeks!” My commanding officer replies. I mentally sigh. You know, Anon’s a jackass, but at least he has sensible orders. Then again, I normally give out silly orders too. I mean, what else are we going to do around here? I start marching out of the officer’s office, heading towards the food cart that was allowed in today. I wonder if Anon knows about the food cart? Probably not, but I don’t want to disturb him. He got pretty mad yesterday when some idiot called him out of his station. Some new lieutenant, he had forgotten to ask the delivery’s escorts about what the package was. I find it odd, but then again, I find a lot of things odd. How do snow cones work? Why is there a snow cone cart in the winter? Why does my wife like tennis so much? Why am I still a Celestia-damn sergeant in the Royal Guard?! I sigh out my frustrations. Right, no time for that, I have to-

My thoughts are interrupted by the sounds of aggressive screaming outside, which stops me. I feel my thoughts all turn to panic a little before recomposing myself. “Alert! All soldiers! We need eyes on the Checkpoint’s wall facing north, please respond!” A voice crackles through my radio. I start to reach for it, but stop as I hear sirens. Sirens only go off when- an explosion rocks the building, making me stumble. I quickly take out my radio and press the button to talk.

“Inspector! Stay in your room! I repeat, stay in your-“ An explosion erupts again, making me stop. That one sounded too close. I put away the radio and take out my sword with my mouth. I narrow my eyes as I gallop down the hall. Anon said someone needed eyes on the wall, and the last explosion sounded like it was close to it. I burst through a door leading outside and almost gasp. The wall had a huge hole in it, with Minotaurs and dragons going through it. The flashing of metal colliding with metal, the screams and yells of soldier, this was not good. I need to fight, but I also need to find Anon. He may have a fancy crossbow, but he doesn’t have a lot of bolts. Add to the fact that his station is an easy access to the rest of Manehatten, and he’s toast. I shake my head, clearing my thoughts as I realize that I’m losing time just standing around. I gallop into the battle, thinking of a plan as I go. I’ll try to head toward’s Anon’s station, but there are various enemies in the way.

It’s been almost an hour or two. I dodge a punch as I go past a Minotaur. I’ll need to clear out a good sum of them to be able to escape with Anon. I’ve taken down a few of them, but I’m getting close to being dead because of how tired I am. I pant heavily as I rest for a moment. I don’t think we’ll win this one...

Suddenly, I hear a war cry unlike any I’ve heard before, making me stop in panic. I look around wildly in the middle of an ongoing battle, wondering what in Tartarus that sound is. I block multiple attacks as I do this. Just like that, a pop sounds out as a blinding flash takes up everyone’s vision. I rapidly blink, trying to regain my sight as I hear the sound of something sharp slicing flesh, as well as multiple blood-curdling screams. My heart races as I try to figure out what’s going on! Finally, I can see with a clear view, of Princess Luna, lightly armored, yet exceedingly deadly with a black double-edged-axe about her size. Its blades are a neon-blue, glowing with enchantments that are dangerous without a doubt. The shaft of the axe seems to be an ebony wood, slightly curving as it reaches the blades. Wordlessly, Princess Luna strikes down various creatures at once, spinning the axe flawlessly and graciously with her magic. Sometimes, I wish I was a unicorn. Anyway, I notice a Minotaur starting to charge at her from behind. Thinking quickly, I take my sword with a hoof, and throw it towards the enemy. The sword spins a lot before landing into the back of the Minotaur. The Princess’ head snaps towards the Minotaur’s scream before seeing that it was already dead. I stare at the body with wide eyes, I did not think that could work! Princess Luna looks up to see me, still in the same position after I had thrown in. She quickly nods in thanks and continues dealing with the intruders.

“... Holy cow,” I mutter, I shake my head and look around for another weapon. Seeing a spear, I take it with a hoof and try to gallop towards Anon’s station as fast as I can. I only hope I’m not too late.

I finally come up to the Checkpoint’s main office building. I quickly knock on the doors. “Hello?! This is the Royal Guard! Open up!” I order. The door opens slowly to reveal a blue mare, trembling with fear. I narrow my eyes at her and point my spear immediately. “Identify yourself!” I order.

“I-I’m-I’m Clipper!” She answers. “T-the n-new secretary.” I guess Anon forgot to tell me about her. I keep my spear pointed at her nonetheless. She could be lying for all I know.

“Have you seen Inspector Anon?” I ask.

“N-no, I-I think he’s still in t-there,” Clipper says, pointing toward’s Anon’s usual station.

“Alright, come with me,” I order. I’m not taking any chances, I’ve been hearing rumors about spies from some of the other guards. They sound very real now since this battle started.

“I-I want t-to go home-“ she stammers, tearing up. I see the genuine fear in her eyes and sigh.

“... I’ll escort you out ma’am, follow me,” I say. Anon can yell at me later, and the exit here isn’t too far. I have no doubt in my mind that the Border is surrounded by guards by now. I’m certain there’s someone who can evacuate non-military staff. Clipper thanks me and walks out. I follow her closely, keeping an eye on her. We walk all the way to the exit before a guard stops us.

“Halt, identify yourselves,” he orders.

“It’s Sergeant Spearhead, this is a civilian, please escort her to safety. I’ll be back with another civilian,” I say. The guard blinks in surprise out how quick I talked before nodding.

“Yes sir!” He salutes and allows Clipper to walk.

“Thank you,” she says to me as she leaves. I nod and turn back. Now, for Anon...

I rapidly knock onAnon’s station door, “Inspector!” I call. No response. I frown and knock even louder. “Inspector!” I yell. I bang once more. “Anon! It’s Spearhead!”... No response. I grunt and back up. Time for an old-fashioned breaching. I gallop quickly and slam into the metal door, breaking it open. I look around and gasp. “Holy Celestia,” I mutter. There, in blood, is the body of a dead Minotaur. It has multiple scratch wounds on its back, as well as two distinctive stab wounds. One stab wound is near the spine on its lower back, the other is along the spine almost five hoofs above it. Next to its corpse, are two smaller bodies. A griffon, and Anon. The griffon looks roughed up, but Anon looks much worse. His right leg looks like its bending the wrong way, and blood is coming out of his mouth. I can see lots of bruises forming on his face and hands, even as he’s hunched over. I rush to the bodies and check their pulses. The minotaur’s dead, but Anon and the griffon are just unconscious. I give a sigh of relief and take out my radio. “This is Spearhead in the Passport Inspector’s booth, we need medical evac, over,” I say... I wonder if I’ll get a promotion now?

Chapter 22: So Bullshit Gets Better

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

A Special! (Author QnA)

Author's Note

So, a few weeks ago, I made an announcement about a PERSONAL QnA because of... a reason. I guess to celebrate 1k likes? I dunno. I kinda randomly decided this since a friend of mine (Linkvsgaming) got recognized at his college, and the recognizer asked what I was like. Thus, I asked for questions in a blog posts. I kinda just grabbed the questions and answered them. I’m answering about thirty of them, hopefully ya’ll enjoy!

A Special! (Author QnA)

Yellowtail sighs as he sits at his desk, doing work for his personal life. He’s not the busiest of people, and he’s certainly not the most laid back. No, he’s simply a person who likes to do what he does, along with his hobbies. One such hobby, is writing stories. He’s not paid for it, no one’s pushing him to continue, no one was truly asking him to do it at first, but he does it anyway. He loves looking at the comment section, to see people expressing how they loved the characters, or how they become invested in the haphazardly thrown-together storyline. He loves to see people enjoying what he creates. Of course, he doesn’t always get that reaction, but he doesn’t mind. Right now, he simply works at his desk, after a long day of strict business. That is, until his phone buzzes. Yellowtail sighs and reaches into his pocket to pull out his phone and see his friend, Linkvsgaming, messaging him.

“Yo! Yellow! Guess what happened!” The message reads. Yellow sighs as he’s not sure how to take it. His friend is very peculiar in terms of surprises. Like once, his friend was banned from a Chic-fil-a because he yelled ‘FUCK’ in the middle of eating. That was because they had revealed the Splatoon characters being in Smash, after he was so excited for Banjo-Kazooie to be in Smash. At the time, he thought the day would never come. Anyway, Yellow sighs as he replies.

“What?” Yellow types back cautiously.

“So, I was in class the other day, and I told my professor ‘Waz gud!’” His friend sends. “One chick recognized me!”

“Is that a good or bad thing?” Yellow asks himself out loud.

“Then, she started to ask about you!” Link continues. Yellow scoffs.

“Did you tell her about my charming personality?” He asks.

“Nah, just told her you were a chill dude.” Yellow reads on, with a small smile forming. It’s rather strange to him, the feeling of a small sort of fame. He’d never dreamed of something like his story, ‘Papers Ponies and Attitude’ being a popular story, even if it was just a fan fiction. Suddenly, an idea pops into his head as he thinks. Do people really know what he’s like? He starts thinking back to the various replies he would send to people. Most of them were based on memes and internet jokes. He would try to keep a relaxed tone in his replies, even if he felt rather nervous about responding to someone. After a few minutes of thinking, Yellow nods to himself as he thinks about his idea.

Why not make a personal QnA? It would be a rather nice idea, to kind of try to showcase what he’s like to the people that read his stories. After all, Yellow would certainly be curious about the authors of some of the stories he’s read. However, Yellow grimaces as he thinks of something. What if it comes across as arrogant, or prideful? He doubts people would lunge at his throat for making that kind of chapter, but he doesn’t want to come across as a shallow person, even if it’s just one person thinking it. He looks over at the future chapter he was working on before sighing. He needs another break, which is something he’s disappointed with himself in. He thinks back to the October of 2018, where he had millions of ideas for his story! He could write five or six, five-thousand-word-chapters in a week if he had the time! Hell, he did have the time! However, it’s quite possibly one of the only reasons his story got noticed.

Yellow taps on the desk with a deep-thinking expression. Should he try the QnA? He looks at the calendar. “... You know what? Why not?” He asks, shrugging finally. He sets to work, making a schedule and replying to his friend with the news...

Weeks Later...

Yellow sits at his desk and stretches his arms. “God, what day is it?” He asks himself, turning on his phone. The phone reads 10:35 PM, September 10th. His eyes grow wide and he checks fimfiction. He has gotten at least thirty questions, which he thought was a good sum. He had to extend the due date for questions since the first date didn’t work out. He sighs and gets his keyboard. Time to answer questions. He scrolls to the first one on his list.

“1: What is, in your opinion, the greatest fanfiction you have ever read and why?” He smirks.

“Easy, Griffin the griffon, it’s main character was someone I could identify with, personality wise. He was cynical, smart, witty, and brave to a degree. I guess I just like to think of being someone like that.” He types it up and moves one.

“2: what is the genre that you want to use most but can't do because the lack of practice?” He grimaces.

“Horror. I’d like to try it, but like the question says, I don’t have a lot of practice in it. I especially would like to try it for a Halloween special coming up! *wink wink, winkity wiiiink*” Yellow smirks at his pitiful joke.

“3: How old are you and what's you favorite chapter from YOUR story” Yellow sighs at the age question.

“My age is 69.” He easily types up. He stops to ponder about the other question though. “I don’t have a particular favorite chapter, but there is a chapter I re-read recently. I re-read the New Year’s chapter, just to kind of remind myself what Anon went through. You see, while I think of Anon’s future, I always try to remember his past. However, now...” Yellow stops typing for a moment to think. “... I take it as a moment. A moment to realize that when I started this story, I had no idea who he was. All I knew, was that he had a jackass personality, he was careful, and he stuck to the rules when they’re reliable. However, now... It’s crazy to think of the background this character has. Hell, I was surprised I even made a background to begin with... But... I guess I decided to try. I made a personality, I tried to stick to it, and ultimately... I guess I kind of let him be a little bit of me? I mean, I’m obviously not like Anon. I’m not as confrontational for myself or as quick witted. I’d go on, but uh, I’d be wasting people’s time.” Yellow looks at the answer he wrote in nervousness. He doesn’t exactly like it, since it feels a little too... self-prideful. However, he’ll keep it. He can’t think of another way to answer it.

“4: This one is for Anon if we are allowed. What is the most funniest reason somecreature was denied?” Yellow smirks at the question. Of course he’d answer it! It’s a perfect opportunity to shed some actual background for Anon that Yellow has been meaning to bring up... Yellow chuckles to himself and types.

“For being Cthulhu.” With that simple answer, Yellow moves

“5: What’s the sauce of your life?” Yellow nods at the sage question.

“Anime,” He replies.

“6: WaLuIgI fOr SmAsH!?” Yellow smiles at the old meme. Well, ‘old’ is kinda exaggerating, but it’s what he can think of.

“Nah man, gimme some of dat P L A N T . “ Yellow types.

“7: Coke or Pepsi?” Yellow smirks, knowing how to one-up the dude.

“I’m more of a BuP fan.”

“8: Favorite anime?” Yellow quirks an eyebrow and looks at the YouTube tab on his computer. He shrugs and types his answer.

“ASDF movie 12”

“9: What’s your favorite color?” Yellow reads this text and looks up in a ‘the office’ expression. He doesn’t even type up the answer and moves on.

“10: Cherry chimichanga, or chimichanga cherry?” Yellow smiles at the Pinkie reference. He types his response.

“Chimi-cherry-changa”

“11: What do you do in real life?” He quirks an eyebrow at another personal question. He realizes that this is actually a rather reasonable question, however he would not like to answer it.

“N o t h I n g a t a l l .”

“12: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?” Yellow smiles and types his answer.

“Well, assuming the... vacuum is spherical... ah, you know what... forget it.”

“13: Guy or girl?” Time for a veteran’s meme

“Wow, did you seriously ask me what I am? Isn’t it obvious? I’m a Boar Vessel 600-500 BC Etruscan Ceramic.

“14: Gay or straight?” Yellow takes a moment to appreciate the absence of human contact... he types his answer.

“I’m lonely.”

“15: Any tips for kiddies?”

“Don’t do Fortnite, stay in Minecraft, and try Rainbow Six.”

“16: Are you a pro-league gamer?” Yellow rolls his eyes and answers.

“Heheh, no, but Linkvsgaming is. He was invited to try out at an Overwatch Tournament and he kinda aced that shit. I find it funny because beforehand, he never would have dreamed of trying the game, but then he did and he loves it now.”

“17: What is in your brain-hole?”

“M e m e s a n d o n l y m e m e s .”

“18: Big brain?” Yellow shakes his head.

“Nah man, GrEy BrAiN tImE.”

“19: What’s your skill level in a game you play?” Yellow sighs.

“Despite the fact I’m level 51 in Siege, I am most obviously a level 20. I’ve never really played enough Ranked to actually be ranked yet.”

“20: Pokémon?”

“Totodile.”

“21: Creeper?”

“Aw guuuuurl” Yellow smiles as he ruins the fucking joke. Way to go asshole.

“22: Shawn!”

“Shaaaaawn!!” Yellow smiles at the age old joke.

“23: Any new stories you’re cooking?” Yellow takes a moment to answer this seriously.

“Yes actually, I’m planning a new story at the moment. It’s not out yet, but it will be soon.”

“24: Are you ready kids?!”

“AYE AYE CAPTAIN!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH-“

“25: Thoughts on politics?”

“I’m voting Bubble Buddy for President.”

“26: Thoughts on the season finale?” Yellow sniffles a little as he types.

“Don’t make me fucking cry again!”

“27: Who’s your favorite pony?” Yellow sighs.

“... Pinkie Pie.” Yellow looks at the clock and sighs. He’s been typing for some time. He saves the chapter and clicks publish. He secretly fears for the reader’s enjoyment, hoping the reader actually enjoyed it...

Shorts: Multiversal Fuckup

Author's Note

This is a short that I meant to publish earlier. It’s a little break from serious plot stuff, taking place sometime between after 20XX started, and before Cozy Glow tried to take Anon hostage. Let’s dive in this biznitch, shall we?

Shorts: Multiversal Fuckup

I groan as I hear this fucker go on about something. “... Like, who would say no to expertly made toilet papers!” The line has been going steadily until this asshat pony showed up.

“Who gives a shit!?” I yell,

“Well, the ones on toilets, that’s why they need the toilet paper!” He replies.

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” I yell in frustration, banging my head into the desk.

“You look like you need some relief, here, take some pocky!” The pony reaches into his saddle to take out a box. It’s something that looks like pocky. I look up and take a deep breath in. I take a breath out.

“Mother fucker, do I look like I want pocky?” I ask.

“... Maybe?”

“... Where the fuck are your papers?” I ask.

“Oh, I don’t have any,” the pony says. I feel an eye twitch as I stare at him in disbelief.

“...” I take a deep breath in, and let it out. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!” I yell in frustration and anger. I look at the pony with rage. “Get the fuck out before I shoot your ass!” I yell. He gulps and leaves quickly, leaving a dust cloud in the shape of him. “Oh thank Christ on a bike!” I yell in salvation as I brace for the sweet relief of silence. However, that brace was useless. No sooner had I yelled that, a crackling noise sounds around me. “Oh for fuck’s sake!” I yell exasperatedly. “What the hell could it be this time?!” I feel a tingling sensation before a blinding light fills my vision. Almost immediately, everything feels different. I blink a few times to clear my vision, before looking up at two tall figures. I can’t seem to make out what they are, other than the fact that there’s a huge white figure, and the black figure is about half her size.

“Oh my,” the white figure says. “This is an interesting specimen.”

“Should I kill it? I don’t like how it just ripped through time and space,” the other growls.

“What the fuck?” I ask out loud. I look around. “Where dafuq- am I dead!?” The other two figures remain silent as I panic slightly. “Did that toilet paper fucker inject me with something!? The fuck happened to my office!?”

“Oh, he’s that Anon,” the black figure says.

“I figured. He’s supposed to show up about now. However, I think he’s about to leave,” the white figure says. I was about to ask what the fuck that means, but then the damn light blinds my vision again.

“Ah! God dammit!” I yell, rubbing my eyes.

“W-what the-“ I look up to see that I’m in a hallway that looks like a Royal Guard’s barracks. In front of me is a grey alicorn with long blac and purple hair, with his wings being tipped in purple. “Who are you!? Actually, no, the buck are you!?” He asks.

“Um, yo, I’m Anon,” I start. “Where the fuck am I?” The alicorn sputters for a little bit before looking furious.

“Are you trying breaking into my mother’s room!? What in the buck are you planning to do to Princess Luna!?” Before he could continue, a blinding light fills my eyes.

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” I yell for the third time, rubbing my eyes.

“... What the Nether?” A voice asks. I blink out the light and see a- oh, nope, never mind, I’m fucking blind again!

“Goddammit!” I yell, rubbing my eyes. “What the fuck is going on!?” I open my eyes again to see a table with a terrified looking Rainbow Dash, and a maniacal Pinkie Pie standing over her with a giant saw, looking at me. Her mane is flat. Not good. Thankfully, the flash happens again, causing me to both feel slightly relieved as well as pissed off that this shit’s still happening. I open my eyes again to see a ruined city, some demon looking thing and a demonic Discord stomping and punching buildings with a swarm of Rainbow Dash robots yelling, “Crush. Kill. Destroy. Swag.” I seriously have no idea what to expect now. Just as suddenly, I see the blinding flash again. “Whoever’s doing this, please fucking stop!” I start rubbing my eyes again.

“Who are you mortal?” A deep, growling voice asks. I stop and look up to see a sort of human-like entity in front of me, sitting on a throne. The only part that makes me aware of the fact that he’s not human, is the fact that he looks like Cthulhu.

“What the fuck?” I ask.

“Is that truly your name?” It asks.

“What- no, that’s fucktarded,” I say. “But who and what the fuck are you?” The creature growls and stands up. It is immediately apparent that it is taller than me by four feet.

“I am Cthulhu,” it says...

Meanwhile...

Twilight hums as she keeps using a spell from her book. “I don’t get it, it says look at the target, focus, and-“

“Um, Twilight?” Spike interrupts, looking at the picture Twilight’s holding. “Why are you using Anon’s picture?” Twilight snaps her attention to the little dragon before looking at the picture.

“It was the first thing I grabbed,” she says, shrugging, shortly before casting the spell again.

“... What if you’re focusing on Anon?” Spike asks.

“Don’t be silly Spike, the range on this spell is-“ Twilight glances at the book and gasps. “... Oh no...”

Meanwhile...

Crhulhu and I laugh as I continue my story. “... And then, then, this dude had the balls to say, ‘That’s the no zone for me’, and fuckin’ yeets the fuck out!” I say, quickly laughing as Cthulhu laughs.

“Your company is certainly entertaining,” the entity says, curling his mouth-tentacles into something like a smile. “I must say, you are possibly one of the first beings that I have not eaten in five minutes.”

“Can we keep it that way my dude, I kinda want to fucking live,” I say.

“What’s the point of living when your life will mean nothing?” It asks.

“Do I look like Socrates mother fucker?” I ask, quirking an eyebrow.

“Do you simply ignore the inevitable truth?” Cthulhu asks.

“Yes, and no.”

“Do you truly believe in both?”

“I don’t know,” I say, shrugging.

“So then why bother answering?”

“Because I might be dead before I even grow old, so why not?” I ask. “Well, it was nice talking to you, but I think I might be flung out of this place pretty soon.”

“Very well creature, I hope we meet again.” Just like that, my vision goes white.

“Fuck, that hurts,” I mutter.

“A-Anon? Are you okay?” A familiar, Bitchy voice asks. I blink to get my vision back and I look around. It’s the crystal castle. I frown as I see Twilight in front of me, who looks nervous. I see a spell book by her side.

“Did you keep teleporting me?” I ask irritably.

“M-maybe?”

“... You better have money for me to get home.”

I sigh out of boredom. It’s been a couple days since the incident, and I’m back to my usual routine. Lucky didn’t believe my story of multi-universe travel, but she allowed it. Barely. Anyway, I was about to let another entrant in when a purple-ish portal opens in the room in front of me. Coming in, steps a familiar figure. “Anonymous the human,” a guttural voice says.

“Cthulhu? That you my dude?” I ask. The figure fully steps in, confirming my suspicions. This time, he’s wearing a blue robe with yellow accents around his body. “Damn dude, that robe’s looking fleek on you, not gonna lie,” I say.

“Thank you, I had gotten it from this world yesterday.”

“So, why are you here?” I ask in confusion.

“I feel like it is polite to go through this... Checkpoint? Was that the term?” He asks.

“Yep. Do you have passport?” I ask.

“...”

“... Sorry buddy, can’t let you in,” I say apologetically.

“Heh, even though I am the immortal Cthulhu?” He asks with a slight joking tone.

“Since you’ve confirmed it, I think now I really can’t let you in,” I say. “Sorry, but Buttface Sunlord will probably kill me if she knew I let you through.”

“Do not fret, it is a mortal trouble, I’m aware,” he says. He opens another portal and waves bye to me as he steps through.

“... What the fuck is my life?” I ask myself as the portal closes.

Chapter 23: Aaaand Shit Hits The Fan...

I wake up, sweating bullets, with Whisk shaking me. “Anon! Anon, are you alright?” She asks.

“W-what? What?” I ask. She stops to look me in the eyes as I look around. I’m in my plain old bedroom, with the blankets off of me and on the floor. The lights are on, allowing me to see that Whisk is lying right next to me, like normal, except panicky.

“What happened? Did you have a nightmare?” Whisk asks worriedly.

“What do you mean?” I say, slurring slightly from exhaustion, not really fully awake. I strain to keep my eyes open as the light assaults me.

“Anon, you were rolling around just a moment ago, mumbling. What happened?” She asks again. I take a moment as I register what she’s said before my mind starts reeling back. Shit. I had another nightmare again. I clear my throat.

“N-nothing-“

“Don’t lie to me,” Whisk says, furrowing her brows. “What. Happened.” I look at her eyes for a few more moments before sighing.

“It’s something Luna’s helping me with, don’t worry about it,” I say. Technically, I’m not lying. Yes, Luna’s helping me, by interrupting the dream here and there, but she’s not always able to come. She’s trying though.

“How can I not worry about it when you sound like someone’s about to murder you!?” She whisper-shouts. “Can you please tell me?”

“... Look, I’m fine,” I say, cracking a smile. “See, I’m fine. No cuts, no scratches. Nothing’s wrong.” Whisk sighs in exasperation.

“I’m not asking if you have scratches,” Whisk says. She inches over to me before laying against me, hugging me. “I’m asking what’s wrong.” I sit up, silent. “... Please, I’ve noticed you haven’t been the same since you woke up from the hospital a few weeks ago. I just want to know what’s wrong.”

“... And I’m telling you,” I softly say. “It’s nothing I haven’t handled before. Luna’s helping me through it, so I’ll be fine.”

“Can I help?” She asks, still hugging.

“You’re already helping,” I reassure.

“...” She pulls away to show that she’s starting to cry. “... I’ve never seen you panic,” she says. “I’ve seen you happy, I’ve seen you frustrated, but I have never seen you afraid.” She looks at me with genuine concern and worry, making my heart break.

“Well, it’ll be fine Whisk. It’ll be fine,” I reassure, patting her head. She kind of leans into my hand, holding it in place with a claw. “Hey, tell you what’ll make me feel better,” I start, making her perk up a little. “I’m kinda hungry for waffles, and it’s a little early. Want to cook breakfast for me?” She continues staring at me with a concerned face before cracking a weak, small smile. She let’s go of my hand to respond.

“Promise you’ll feel better?” She asks.

“For the time it takes to eat the waffles. If you want me to stay happy, I’ll require some coffee,” I say, smirking. She chuckles softly.

“Fine, want some syrup?” She asks. I nod, smiling a little. However, before either of us could move, a scroll pops into existence with a small flash. It plops between Whisk and I, making us blink.

“Dafuq?” I mutter, picking it up. I light up the room and read the scroll.

Dear Anonymous the Human, and Whisk Bacon,

It is my honor to ask the both of you (again) to attend the Grand Galloping Gala. A private carriage will be sent and waiting for you both at the train station in Canterlot on the day of the Gala. Princess Luna specifically requires your presence. Please try to arrive two hours early.

From, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.

PS: Don’t worry, you won’t be in the spotlight.

I look at this letter with complete and utter confusion. What is that sunbutt up to? “What’s wrong?” Whisk asks.

“... We’re getting a private carriage to the Gala,” I say. Whisk looks taken aback, but shakes her head.

“Wait, hold on, what?” She asks.

“Princess Luna wants us to meet with her in private, and we’re getting a private ride.”

“... Anon, are you sure you’re going to go?” Whisk asks. “You know that the princesses can’t actually force us to go, right? We can decline.”

“... Well, that’s what I was going to do, but if this is a private meeting, we might actually need to go,” I mutter. “When Luna says ‘private’, she means that no one should know what she doesn’t want anyone to know.”

“Oh. Um, so what does that mean for us?” Whisk asks. I process what I know for a few seconds before replying to her question.

“I think it’s her way of telling me that Celestia’s being legit,” I say. “Meaning I won’t be a political move. Good.” I smirk a little. Whisk nods, following my train of thought.

“So, does that mean you’re okay with going?” She asks. I nod. She smiles and hugs me. “That’s good, and if you want to leave the Gala at any point, we’ll leave, okay?” I nod, hugging back. “Now, let’s make those waffle,” Whisk says, breaking the hug to get up. “I’m sure we’re both hungry,” she says, giggling as she walks out...

I groan as I walk into the office building of the Checkpoint. Clipper is already working on letters at her desk. “Morning Clipper, I got a new task for you,” I say. I can see her deflate a little at the sound of more work. “You see the cabinets behind your desk?” I ask. Clipper quirks an eyebrow and looks behind her to see four different filing cabinets.

“When did we get those?” She asks. I snicker.

“Always had them, but we rarely ever need to pull something from them,” I say. Clipper looks at me in confusion as I walk up.

“Here’s your new task, which is to be done as well as sorting letters,” I say. Clipper gulps and nods, allowing me to continue. “Whenever I write out payments or fines for something that has to do with the Border, we get receipts. Of course, we get a lot of receipts.” I point at the cabinet on the far left. “This cabinet’s for receipts having to do with structural stuff. Stuff like repairs on the wall, repairs on surrounding buildings, repairs for utilities, etcetera,” I explain. I point at the next one. “This cabinet’s for payments towards guards and other personnel.” I move over to the next one. “This cabinet is for files that have records of other ponies paying us for the capture of criminals.”

“That’s oddly specific,” Clipper comments.

“Yeah, it is,” I say. I point at the final cabinet. “This one’s for payments from the government, or from other sources.”

“Wait, what other sources?” Clipper asks in confusion.

“Well, sometimes someone who passes through the Border requires protection, like a royal noble or a merchant with valuable items. They might need protection from our guards, and thus pay the Border for temporary protection in Manehatten,” I elaborate. “This isn’t a widely known service, so you might not see many of those types of payments.” Clipper nods in acknowledgement.

“Okay, I think I understand,” she says.

“Cool. Just remember,” I stop to point at the cabinets in order again. “Building, Ponies, Criminals, and Service.” Clipper nods, smiling a little.

“Okay, that doesn’t seem to hard,” she says. I nod, smiling.

“Great, you should be fine,” I say. I look at the clock and sigh. “Looks like I need to start the day. Good luck Clipper.” With a small wave, I head out to the my normal office. Walking outside, I can certainly feel the sun’s heat already. I groan before pulling out a cigarette. Normally, fall weather would come up around now, this early in September, but it’s scheduled to be a little late this year for some reason. I’m guessing it’s because of the war. I light my cancer stick and start smoking. I sigh and continue to walk. I open the door to my normal office, and step inside, closing it behind me. I meant to smoke earlier, but I forgot about it. I know it’s against the rules to smoke in here, but fuck it. Smoking calms me down, and I kinda want to calm down. I sit in my swivel seat, and lean towards the mic. “Next!” I look up at the clock to see I’m just on time. The first entrant to come in is a red furred griffon with big black spots all over him. His feathers are yellow. His head is covered by a bowl hat. He walks up and hands me his papers wordlessly. “Wow, strong silent type eh?” I ask, opening his papers.

“Look, just let me go through,” he says tiredly, in a Russian accent. I look at his passport and stop. Bullshivic? Where have I heard that name before? I suddenly think to check my pocket. I reach into my pockets and pull out a note I had scribbled on. ‘Bullshivic’. I hum in interest as I remember my promise to the mafia. I glance at the weight scale to see he’s heavier than he’s supposed to be. I grimace.

“Turn to the scanner fuckboi,” I say. He blinks in confusion before a set of curtains closes. A couple of flashes sound out before the curtains open as a picture prints out. I take the photos and look to see a pack of drugs in sitting in his hat. “Well well, looks like someone done fucked up,” I say. His eyes turn to pinpricks as I start to press the detain button.

“Wait!” He calls. I stop and look at him with impatience, puffing smoke out through my nose. “W-what if I have bribe?”

“Try again,” I say.

“Do you want drugs?!”

“Nope.”

“What will it take to not go to jail?” He asks. I take drag out of my cig, and lean back as I breathe it out.

“Got a reason for carrying drugs?” I ask. I already know why, but I’m curious as to what he’ll say.

“I have little babies to feed! Wife is sick!”

“Hm. Cool motive, still illegal,” I say, crossing my arms. His eyes are starting to show that he’s a bit more desperate than he lets on.

“I-I won’t come back! I swear!” He says worriedly.

“Really? You won’t come back to Equestria?” I ask.

“Y-Yes!”

“... Alright. Just realize, I’ll put your face on every wanted poster in Equestria. If you show up at another Checkpoint, they’ll know. Not only will you be prosecuted for illegally dealing and using drugs, but you’ll also be found guilty of escaping the law and resisting arrest.” The griffon is genuinely terrified now. “I hear that something like that would make you go to jail for like...” I stop to count my fingers. “Thirty years max.” I lean in, giving a smirk as I breathe some smoke out onto his face. “Now, what do we say to the nice guy who doesn’t let you rot in jail?”

“T-thank you,” he whimpers. I lean back.

“Good. Now scram, I don’t want to see your ugly ass ever again,” I say, denying his passport. I hand him back his papers before he scrambles to leave. I chuckle as I watch him run out with his tail between his legs. Not gonna lie, it’s satisfying to know that I can be a little scary to ex-mafia members. I could tell he wasn’t exactly lying about having a wife and kids, but if the mafia found out that I just let him off the hook with nothing more than a slap on the wrist, they’d have my neck. Thus, I sent him away. If he doesn’t come back, we won’t have a problem. I wasn’t kidding about having his face plastered on every wanted poster either. Since I’m the manager, I could pull up anyone’s name to be put on the wanted posters everywhere, or even at specific locations. All I’d need to do is pull up a name. I sigh and rub my face face in a vain attempt to massage it. I hope to God that griffon isn’t stupid. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”

The next entrant kind of catches me by surprise. A familiar grey pegasus walks in. “Derpy?” I ask. The pony in question gasps excitedly and rushes up.

“Anon! It’s been a while!” She says excitedly. I almost forgot which eye I was supposed to look at.

“Yeah, long time no see!” I say, smiling a little. Derpy reaches into her saddle and brings out her papers.

“See! I have all my stuff updated! Just like you asked!” She says happily.

“Good! How’s the family?” I ask. She giggles.

“Dinky’s been so good lately! She got a one hundred on a science test recently!” Derpy says excitedly. “I’m so proud of her, I bet she could be a scientist when she grows up!”

“Yeah, she probably could,” I say. I scan over her papers to make sure everything’s fine. A part of me had doubts on Derpy’s claims. Thankfully, her papers are fine. I stamp them green before looking back up. “Welp, have a good day Derpy, tell Dinky I said hi, Alright?” She nods and walks off with her approved papers. I keep a smile as I call in the next entrant. I drop my smile as I see Twilight walk in. I mean, I don’t hate her as much anymore, but it’s kind of... awkward.

“Oh! Anon!” She says, smiling a little as she walks up. “I’m sorry we haven’t been able to have our chats recently, a lot of complications have been happening at the school.”

“Eh, it’s fine,” I say, shrugging. “So, what brings you here?” I ask as I take her papers.

“Well, I got a letter from Yakyakistan, and they needed me over there for some filing!” She says excitedly. I shake my head.

“I’ll never understand why you like paperwork,” I say. Twilight rolls her eyes, but keeps her smile.

“Anyway, how have you been recovering?” She asks.

“... Fine,” I answer.

“Um, okay?” She looks at me with uncertainty. “Uh, how’s Whisk?” I start to answer, but I suddenly sneeze. “Blush you,” she says.

“Thanks. Um, Whisk’s been pretty good. She’s kinda excited for the Gala.” Twilight almost flinches at the mention of the Gala.

“Really? Did you two get a ticket?” She asks. I make a ‘sorta’ motion with my hands.

“It’s more like a request Luna made.”

“Really?” Twilight asks, with a little surprise.

“I want to turn it down,” I say bitterly. “I remember the last two times I was there.”

“Well, I mean, I don’t blame you,” Twilight admits. “But, if Luna’s asking, it might be important.”

“Hm,” I respond distastefully. I stamp her papers green and hand them back. “Well, try to-“ I stop to sneeze again.

“Blush you, you’re not sick are you?” Twilight asks worriedly. I shake my head.

“No, I’m not sick, just chilly.” I say. Twilight gives me an uncertain look before walking out. I sigh as I rub my temples. I don’t know why, but I don’t really feel good now...

I sigh as I work on paperwork. It’s the afternoon, and I’m not as frustrated as usual. The line was somehow quicker today, after the little mafia debacle, and I just got much more free time for paperwork. Whisk’s waffles certainly helped me through today so far. It’s a wonder what waffles can do. I can hear the guards outside marching to their posts, switching shifts. I look at the clock to see it’s twelve thirty. I look out the window into the other room as I simply sigh out of boredom. I go back to my work. Suddenly, my office door flies open, scaring the shit out of me. Clipper walks in, looking panicked. “M-mister Anon!” She calls.

“What the- what!?” I ask loudly before sneezing.

“O-oh, blush you, sorry, um,” Clipper stops to recompose herself. “W-we have someone who wants to see you,” she says hurriedly. “H-he’s kind of important...” I groan out loud and re-organize my papers. I stack them, pick them up, and hold them with one arm as I get up.

“Alright, let’s go,” I say tiredly. I walk out with Clipper leading me to the office building. We walk in, and Clipper points to my manager-office.

“He’s in there,” she says, quickly going back to her desk and continuing her work. I sigh and walk over.

“A’ight,” I say, opening the door. “Who’s the guy that wanted to talk to-“ I stop to sneeze. I look up to see two griffons in my office. One of them is Featherbird, who perks up upon seeing me. The other is someone I kind of recognize. He’s a bit bigger than the average griffon. He has dark green feathers, a black beak, and black fur. “... Who the hell are you?” I ask, failing to remember him. Featherbird coughs nervously into his claw as the other griffon narrows his eyes.

“Anonymous, this is my King, Lord Windfall,” he says, emphasizing the ‘king’ bit.

“... Right, so he’s someone I don’t give a fuck about, of course,” I mutter, walking to my chair. Featherbird clears his throat nervously. I get the feeling that he’s not so happy anymore.

“U-um, right, uh-“

“What an... interesting candidate,” Windfall says slowly. “Featherbird, you’re one of my most trusted advisors and ambassador,” he stops to turn to his feathery companion. “What has prompted you to choose this creature to be a candidate?”

“Hold up, what do you mean?” I ask, sorting my papers. As he answers, I make a mental debate on whether or not I want to smoke right now.

“Well, Anonymous,” Featherbird starts. “Princess Celestia-“ he stops as I interrupt him by sneezing.”... Princess Celestia and my King have made a temporary agreement. We agreed to have a show of trust, and thus we had both agreed to exchange certain creatures to be given a tour over the course of half a month, starting in December. We will give that creature a tour of the capital of our country, with paid-for meals and entertainment.” I decide not to smoke, Clipper would get mad. I’d rather keep the most competent secretary on my side.

“... And you’re here because...?” I trail off. Windfall clears his throat.

“We were given a list of citizens to choose from. These citizens were chosen by Celestia and Luna. We’re checking on these citizens to make sure they’re qualified to go. You were one of them.” He turns to look at Featherbird. “Featherbird has strongly encouraged me to check on you first.” He turns to me. “I’m here to see why he would do so, out of curiosity.” I shrug.

“Fuck if I know,” I say, before sneezing.

“Clearly,” the King says, raising an eyebrow,

“W-well, you see, Anonymous has showed to be truly... notable,” Featherbird says, hesitating to find a word to describe me. “He’s rather exceptional in his abilities, and-“

“Look, the only thing I give a fuck about right now, is why am I here?” I ask impatiently. Featherbird looks at me with a horrified expression, but the King remains neutral. I mean, it’s not like there’s gonna be a group of ponies showing up at my booth, the civilian-entrant-limit was already passed, but I don’t know for certain if any military entrants will show up. I remember the last time I had to do paperwork for late military entrants, and it was not fun.

“What, not interested in your achievements?” The griffon king asks.

“Not really in the mood to hear that I have competence,” I deadpan.

“... Why did the princesses put your name down?” He asks in amusement. Featherbird is silently panicking about what’s going on through the king’s head, if the eyes darting between me and his king are anything to go by..

“I don’t know, I’m not the princesses,” I say, crossing my arms. “I know for fact that I wouldn’t put my name down though.”

“Mhmm.” Windfall stares at me for a few seconds before smiling ever so slightly. “I have all I need to know. Come along Featherbird.” He turns to me as he gets up. “We will notify you if you are chosen. Good day Mr Human,” he says, nodding. I only respond with a confused-as-fuck look. I look at Featherbird, who’s also a little confused as well, but follows his king out the door. He quickly waves bye to me before continuing. I simply sit in my chair for a few more seconds before throwing my hands in the air in frustration.

“The fuck was the point of me being here!?” I yell at no one in particular, before sneezing again. “Fuck!”

Much Later...

I sneeze as Whisk and I browse through clothes in an elegant store. It’s been a few days since the king’s visit. It’s Sunday, September twelfth. Whisk and I are browsing for clothes for her to wear to the Gala. I already have what I want to wear, a black jacket with a white shirt underneath. I’ll wear khakis just to see if I can piss anybody off. I had the khakis for a long time, courtesy of Rarity, but I’d only wear it to formal events. I know, pure evil. Khakis were normally made by Minotaurs, strangely enough. “... Anon, are you sure you aren’t sick?” She asks me, turning to look at me. My face probably looks like shit.

“I’m fine, let’s just get this over with.”

“Um, okay,” Whisk responds with uncertainty. She goes back to looking at dresses. “What kind of colors go with my feathers?” She asks.

“Well, I mean, we’re only meeting Luna, so I’m sure it won’t matter,” I say. “Luna’s not really a dressy-type mare.”

“It kind of does Anon, you can’t just-“ I cut her off by stepping into her field of vision. I have a deadpan expression.

“Whisk, I’m going to the Gala wearing a white regular shirt, a black jacket, and khakis,” I say. “And you’re asking me what to wear?” Whisk sighs.

“I know, but I still want to look pretty, just in case.” I simply sigh in defeat.

“Alright. Um...” I look at the wide range of colors, racking my brain for what could looks good on purple. “... Try black.” Whisk looks at me in confusion.

“Black? Really?” She asks. “Are you sure that’d look good on me?” I shrug.

“It’s worth a try,” I say. Whisk looks down in thought.

“... I guess,” she relents. She looks at the various black dresses hanging on racks throughout the store. I just kinda stare off into space. I’m not entirely too excited for the Gala, but if Luna wants a private meeting, I’m willing to go. I don’t particularly like it, but it’s better than hanging out by the food table all night. Suddenly, I feel a tug on my shirt. I snap back to reality as Whisk holds up a plastic bag. We’re at a checkout.

“Ready to go?” She asks, smiling. I nod.

“Sure, what’d you pick out?” I ask out of curiosity. She giggles.

“Did you space out again?” She asks. I shrug. “In that case, it’s a secret.” I roll my eyes, smiling a little.

“Alright,” I say, before sneezing and coughing. “God dammit.” Whisk frowns as she sees my frustrated expression.

“Anon, I know you well enough to know you’re not fine. Let’s go home, you’re sick,” she says. Whisk takes a wing bs my hand with it. I contemplate how fucking weird that is as she drags me out the store. As we walk down the street, a familiar purple pegasus stops us by turning around the corner.

“Mr Anon,” he states loudly as Whisk and I come up. “We were just wondering when we’d find ya. We need to chat.” Whisk stops to look at the pony before looking at me in confusion.

“Anon, who is he?” She asks.

“Someone from the-“ I sneeze, making me mutter some explicits. “He’s from the mafia or some shit.” As Whisk looks at me in horror, the pony cackles.

“That’s the best description I’ve heard!” He says. He gets back to being serious quickly though. “However, I’m not here for small talk. I’m here to ask you about a certain predicament.”

“Is it about Bullshivic?” I ask.

“Yes. You see, when we asked you to take care of him, we meant something along the lines of, you know, throwing him in jail,” he says. “We’re not entirely upset at your choice, but we’d like to hear the reasoning.”

“I actually did you one better,” I say, drawing a confused look from him. “If he was actually doing business with another mob, then he would have something to trade with. However, if he came back to show that he had nothing, he would be in a worse predicament then simply being in jail.” The pegasus’ eyes widen slightly as I can see the gears turning in his head. “Now, one of a few things can happen. He could try to show up again, which will throw him in jail. He could try to return to the mob who will be very upset to see he failed. The other mob could hunt him down themselves. Or, finally, he could disappear from the world, taking on a new identity and just-“ I stop to sneeze, ruining the cool moment I was having. “He could just live a normal life.” The pony simply stands in front of Whisk and I, thinking.

“... Okay, I guess that’ll count for the boss,” he mutters. “Would’ve been nice if it was just simply done and over with.”

“The best results are mostly never ‘done simply’,” I voice my opinion. “But who am I to say that, I got a job by being an asshole.” The pegasus chuckles, light a cig.

“Alright, I’ll give you that.” The pegasus turns to go back into the alley. “Well, pleasure doing business with ya. You ever need a favor, just call.” With a sinister smirk, he walks into the dark alley, disappearing into the shadows. Whisk turns to me, looking pissed.

“Are you seriously doing business with the Mafia!?” She yells.

“For a favor, yes. They know me well enough to know I won’t do anything they specifically want, but if they needed someone to be gone...” I trail off, leaving it up to interpretation as I start pulling out a cigarette to smoke. When I pull one out, Whisk slaps it out of my hand.

“No, you’re sick, you’re not smoking,” she says. I grumble, but I put my pack away before coughing.

“I’m not that sick,” I say.

“Bullshit,” Whisk says, continuing our trek home. “You’re sick. I don’t care if you think you’ll be fine, you’re staying home tomorrow.”

“Okay, let’s not-“ I stop as Whisk leaps into the air, hovers with her wings, and puts a talon on my head.

“Oh crap, you’re burning up!” Whisk almost yells. “We’re getting you home, quick!” With that, we now start to hurry home as I try to fruitlessly protest.

Whisk rinses a rag with cold water and slightly rings it before hurrying towards me with it. “Anon, how have you been doing anything for the past few days!?” She asks me as I lay in bed. When we got home, she took my temperature. Apparently, according to the thermometer, I’m two or three degrees higher in Fahrenheit. “If I had known you were this sick, I would’ve-“ she stops as I interrupt her with a sneeze and a coughing fit. “I would’ve forced you to stay home earlier.”

“Whisk, I’m not about to die,” I say, keeping still as I admittedly like laying in place. The cold, wet rag put on my head almost makes the headache go away instantly.

“No, but you’re damn close to,” she mutters. “I don’t even think we can go to the Gala.”

“... You know, I suddenly feel like I’m on the brink of death, waiting for the inevitable to-“

“Okay Neighspeare, I get it, you feel sick,” Whisk giggles, rolling her eyes. She drops her smile as she looks at me. “Seriously though, don’t go to work tomorrow. You need rest.”

“It’ll be fine Mom,” I sarcastically say. Whisk rolls her eyes at me and turns to walk out of the bedroom.

“I’m going to cook some dinner, do you want anything specific?” She asks,

“Food,” I reply.

“Hm, alright, I guess that’s simple enough,” she jokes, giggling as she walks out. I lay in bed silently as Whisk does her culinary magic in the kitchen. I think of how I’m going to go about tomorrow. I’ll be out tomorrow, and possibly the day after if I’m unlucky enough. I’ll need to go to my office anyway and make a note for Clipper to bring me work around her lunch time. She normally either chats with a guard or continues working, so a break from an office space would probably be okay with her. For a sub, I’ll have to make a few calls in my office. The Border will start up late, but I’m sure it’ll be fine for the most part. I just have to get there early enough to call someone in. My thoughts are interrupted by the bedroom door opening. Walking in, Whisk carries a bowl of spaghetti. I smile as I sit up, looking at the food and graciously take it. “Careful, it’s-“ She doesn’t get to finish as I hungrily start chowing down. I suck up the noodles and sauce like a vacuum cleaner, and the meatballs never even stood a chance. After I finish, I give a satisfied sigh as I put down the bowl. However, I frown,

“... Is there more?” I quietly ask. Whisk stares at the empty bowl for another minute before quickly nodding.

“Uh, yeah, just uh, give me a sec,” she says. She takes my bowl and walks out to refill it. After a moment, she comes back, and the bowl has more spaghetti and sauce than last time.

“Hell yes,” I mutter, quickly starting to eat. I don’t know why, but I’m suddenly really hungry.

“Wow, uh, didn’t know you liked my cooking that much,” Whisk mutters. She looks at me in concern as I finish up the bowl again. “Anon, have you been eating anything for lunch recently?” I kind of freeze at the question and cough nervously.

“I mean... It’s not like I don’t eat on purpose,” I say.

“Anon,” Whisk warns.

“...Alright, I haven’t been eating a lot recently,” I admit.

“Anon,” Whisk says. “You can’t just skip lunch.”

“Well, I kinda did,” I say. Whisk gives me a stern glare. “It was a joke.”

“And it’s not funny,” she says.

“Sorry,” I apologize.

“... Anon, promise me you won’t do anything tomorrow,” Whisk says. I turn my head to deadpan at her.

“Whisk, I’m not a kid.”

“But you are sick,” she says. I simply sigh at her accurate reasoning and lay back down. Whisk grabs my bowl and smiles at me. "Now, stay in bed, you need to rest." With that, Whisk leaves the room with my empty bowl in her talon. I stare at the ceiling of the bedroom in boredom. At least there isn't any jazz. However, the moment I think of that, jazz starts playing in the living room. "Hey sweetie! There's a jazz festival going on! I'll turn it up so you can hear, okay?" A muffled call says. I groan out loud and cover my ears. This is going to be a long couple of days...

I feel Whisk's eyes boring into me as I walk to work this morning. "Look, I'm not going to stay, I'll leave once Clipper gets my note," I explain, before sneezing and going into a coughing fit. I almost feel like there's nothing but gunk in my chest.

"I'll believe it when you leave the Checkpoint. After that, you're going back to bed," Whisk says. I chuckle at her over protecting attitude as we walk up to the Checkpoint. I walk into my office building with Whisk in tow. She kind of looks around in curiosity as I go to Clipper. Clipper's busy sorting through a mess of paperwork.

"Hey Clipper," I say, walking up. She looks up and visibly cringes as she sees me. I sneeze and cough a bit as she greets me.

"Uh, sir? You don't look too good." I kind of nod.

"Yeah, I've been getting that a lot. Look, I'll be gone for today, so can you file for a sub for my post?" I ask.

"Of course! I'll be happy to!" Clipper says. "You go home sir, get well soon!" I chuckled as I turn to leave.

"I'll try." With that, Whisk and I leave, going home.

I sit on the couch, keeping an ice pack to my head as I watch the television. I find it funny how ponies have tv and telephones, but they haven't made cellphones. "-But wait! There's more!" The goat onscreen says.

"There always is, Billy Neighs," I say to myself. I've been sick for three days now. Nothing much really happened, other than Luna complaining to me about how I didn't show up. I told her about how I was sick, and she understood. She said I didn't have to go anymore and that I should get well soon. Ever since this morning, I've been eating some tomato soup Whisk made for me this morning. I take another sip from a spoon of red blandness and continue watching Trotsi-Clean ads. So many memories.

Suddenly, the channel gets interrupted as the screen changes to breaking news. A panicked pony on screen shows up. "Breaking news! An attack was launched on the Grand Galloping Gala last night!" He says.

"Somehow, I'm not surprised," I mutter to myself. Every year, something bad happens at the Gala. It's always a disaster.

"No one is reported dead, but a bombing took place in the very throne room of Princess Celestia!" The pony continues. "A-and, and-" he stops to recompose himself. "Celestia had been directly hit!"

Author's Note

So, griffons and ponies are extremely similar...

Chapter 24: Fuck Wars

“There are reports of- of-" The pony cuts himself off as he looks away from the camera to try and calm down. After a minute or two, he looks back up. “Reports coming in are saying it’s a message from our enemies, specifically the Minotaurs...” I simply lay on the couch in stunned silence as I read what the television’s screen shows. ‘Celestia attacked.’ Nothing more, nothing less. I feel genuine panic go through my body. Someone attacked her. Granted, I didn’t really like her that much, but even so, she’s kind of important to the ponies of Equestria. Not only that, but she’s one of the only things keeping the fuckton of explosions we call a sun in the air. Granted, Luna could handle it, but if Celestia was attacked, she could be next. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I mean, I never thought anyone would actually try to hurt her, let alone kill her. My arms are limp, either hanging off the couch or simply laying on my body. I sit in utter silence, ignoring the newspony’s commentary. I’m thinking of what this event could really mean. Someone’s out for blood, and they don’t care whose it belonged to. The bombing was from a Minotaur, according to the pony. He was probably supposed to be an ambassador. Countries have to have a way to negotiate, even if there isn’t a chance of it actually happening.

I continue to sit in silence as I process this information. The Minotaurs surely wouldn’t send out a bomber for a terrorist attack. It’s cowardly in their eyes, something that’s always frowned upon. I continue to stare at the TV screen, never taking my eyes off. What could this mean for Equestria?...

Meanwhile...

The cloaked pony has a menacing smirk as she reads the news next to the hypnotized Minotaur King. "Excellent, this is just what I-" Her maniacal monologue is interrupted by the throne room's doors busting open. The pony frowns as she looks up to see a group of armed civilian Minotaurs.

"This is the end my King! You have taken it too far!" One Minotaur yells angrily. The Minotaur guards start to disperse the crowd with their weapons, but the pony stops them by clearing her throat. The pony sighs and gestures for the King to speak.
"I did not send them," he simply says in an almost monotone voice. It's not a lie. After all, the pony was the one who did it.

"Why should we believe you?!" One other Minotaur asks.

"Because," the cloaked pony starts, drawing everyone's attention. "This will prompt Equestria to start being more aggressive. It would hinder our abilities to win this war." That was a lie. The pony hopes such an event will happen. Now, she doesn't care about winning this war anymore. "However, we could take the now upcoming chance," the pony starts.

"What chance?" A Minotaur asks...

Meanwhile...

I sneeze again as I heat up a bowl of soup in the microwave. I'm still kind of shaken up from the news yesterday, but I need to try and take my mind away from it if I want to do something useful. First off, I need to eat. Second, I need to do some grocery shopping. Whisk doesn't know that I'm planning to do this. Third, I need to write a couple of letters. As I take out the bowl of bland-as-fuck soup, I hear a knock on the door. I groan a little as I put the bowl down on the counter and sluggishly walk out of the kitchen and into the living room. I walk up to the door and open it. I blink in surprise as I see Lucky standing there.

"Hi Anon!" She calls. I smile a little.

"Hey Lucky! Long time no see!" I say. "I almost looked over you again." My comment is rewarded with a deadpanned reaction. "What? Did the joke fall short?" Lucky sighs as I wear a wide grin.

"If we weren't friends, I would murder you," she says.

"Alright, come in," I relent, stepping aside for her. She walks in, looking around in idle curiosity.

"Wow, a little bit's changed," she murmurs. "There are actual pictures on the walls."
"Well, when you're dating someone who wants to remember the 'special' moments," I reply, shrugging. "So, what can I do you for?" Lucky sits on the couch after jumping on.

"Well, I was in town, and I heard that someone was sick," she says. "So, being the good friend I am, I wanted to pay a visit."

"Uh huh," I say, unconvinced.

"Fine..." Lucky looks at the ground for a second, apparently thinking about something. "...I kind of wanted some advice while I was here," she says. "It's something of a... Romantic topic."

"Sorry Lucky, I don't do love," I say.

"W-well, it's not what you think," Lucky defends. "You see, I uh... Don't want a relationship." This makes me raise an eyebrow before sneezing.

"What? You don't like the guy?" I ask. Lucky sighs.

"It's not that, it's just..." Lucky frowns deeper. "Well, you remember Shoeside?"

"Oh. Is he flirting again?" I ask. Lucky blinks.

"Again?" She repeats.

"Yeah. Again. You do realize he's been trying to win your affection for like-" I stop to think back. "... Ever since I remember him."

"O-oh no, has he really?" Lucky asks with a hint of fear.

"Yep," I say. "I mean, shit, he even flirted when you were dating that fuckboi."

"Don't call my-" Lucky stops and sighs in exhaustion. "You know what, nevermind."

"Though, I don't think he's as noticeable as he thinks he is," I say. "His idea of flirting is more along the lines of giving you an everyday compliment more than usual." Lucky looks very uncomfortable as I talk.

"W-well, I mean, it's not that I didn't notice," she starts. I raise an eyebrow and decide to sit next to her. This is gonna be interesting. "It's just... He's more like a little brother to me."

"Oh." I scratch my chin as I think of a way to help Lucky. "So, what exactly are you getting at for him?"

"I don't want to hurt his feelings, but-"

"I'm gonna stop you right there," I say. "You're going to hurt his feelings, no matter what. That's life. However, I'm sure he'd rather hear it now instead of later."

"Are you sure?" Lucky asks.

"Look, if Whisk didn't love me, I would be devastated to hear that ten years down the road. If I figured it out before she told me, I would think she was just using me and thus it would shatter any chance of even being a friend." I stop to sigh. "I don't really know Shoeside well enough, but I know he wouldn't want that."

“So what should I say?” Lucky asks. “I can’t just break his feelings like they’re nothing!”

“Just be honest, even if it’s a long talk,” I say. “However, in case he doesn’t take the hint, put it to him as bluntly as possible. If that doesn’t work, just leave him be. He’ll keep flirting, but you don’t have to do anything in return. One way or another he’ll learn.” Lucky nods, telling me she’s following along. “But consider this, if he’s going through that much trouble at this point, maybe it’s a good idea to give him a chance.” I see Lucky’s face turn to confusion.

“But Anon-“

“It’s a suggestion, not an answer,” I say. I stretch my arms as I lean back. It earns me a few satisfying pops. “So, anything else you want to talk about?” Lucky hums as she looks away.

“Well, there is the...” She trails off as she looks lost in thought, disturbed by a scene playing in her head.

“... The attack?” I guess. Lucky snaps out of her trance and nods.

“Y-yeah...”

“... I’m worried too,” I admit, looking back to the TV, which is still on and playing quirky commercials. “... You know, I’ve been watching a lot of commercials,” I say, changing the topic. Lucky picks up on it.

“Oh, really? Why?” She asks, looking better.

“It reminds me of the commercials humans would have. Hell, they’re almost like parodies,” I say. “It’s like I’m almost back...”

“... Hey Anon,” Lucky starts. I hum in acknowledgement. “Do you miss your world?” This question catches me off guard. I look at Lucky with a quirked eyebrow. I look down as I try to think of what to say.

“... Not really,” I say slowly, not even sure of my own words. “It’s kind of... Complicated.”

“... I’m sorry, that wasn’t really... appropriate,” Lucky apologizes.

“No, it’s not that,” I say. “It’s just... It’s kind of difficult to say for certain.”

“... Would you go back if you could?” Lucky asks.

“No, I didn’t,” I say immediately. Lucky blinks and slowly looks at me.

“What do you mean, ‘you didn’t’?” She asks. I give a soft chuckle.

“Let’s just say that I could’ve, and I decided not to,” I say simply. Lucky looks at me incredulously.

“W-what? You could’ve- Hold on,” Lucky stumbles over her words as I smile at her reaction. “Why wouldn’t you?! Isn’t it-“

“It’s not home for me anymore,” I interrupt. “Too much time flew by me while I was here. I wouldn’t be able to catch up. Even if I did, my government would love to ask me why I didn’t pay taxes for ten years while I rot away in prison.”

“I’m sure they wouldn’t-“

“If I stole an old shitty beat-up truck, my country would send four million-dollars worth of drones,” I say. “Which is probably only able to buy just one.” Lucky looks at me with shock.

“What kind of country is that?” She asks.

“God blessed America,” I say, giving a salute to the imaginary American flag. “Just because I wouldn’t be welcome in my country anymore doesn’t mean I’m going to hate it. I still have my national pride.”

“That’s...” Lucky trails off, failing to find words to express how precious or stupid it is.

“A-fucking-men,” I say, shaking my head.

“...” Lucky simply sits on the couch, watching tv with me. I give a sneeze as I look at the time. If I know Lucky, she probably has a schedule to keep.

“Hm. It’s almost one o’clock,” I mutter. Lucky’s eyes almost bulge as she heard the time.

“Oh shit!” She yells. She quickly leaps off the couch and sprints to the door. “I’m sorry, gotta go, important meeting, bye!” With that, she’s gone. I sigh in relief. Her company’s not bad, but I kinda want to be alone today. Being sick means I don’t want to deal with people. I mean, that’s a normal attitude for me, but still. I turn my attention to a TV commercial. I finally remember about the fact that I have soup that is probably cold now. “Shit,” I mutter, getting up and quickly running to the kitchen. In a few giant steps and leaps, I’m back at the counter to find my bowl. I cautiously stick a finger in it and frown. “Dammit, it’s fucking cold...”

I sigh as I finally sit down on the couch, after doing the dishes and getting some normal clothes on. I’m still going to the grocery store today, but I’ll have to hurry, it’s almost five in the evening. The weirder folks always start showing up around six. I shudder as I remember the burger-lady incident. Not gonna lie, it’s the closest I’ve ever been to becoming vegan. I check through my pockets as I reluctantly get up. I’ll need to leave now, before it gets late. However, the moment I get up, a flash of light blinds me. “Fuck!” I yell, covering my eyes.

“Sh!” A voice says.

“Whoever said that, fuck you,” I say, pointing in a random direction.

“Anon, please,” a familiar voice weakly pleads. I finally rub my eyes enough to see that I’m in a very luxurious room. The walls are a stainless white, the floor is checkered black and white, the bed in front of me is covered in velvet-like sheets and pillows. However, none of this catches my eye as much as the severely injured looking princess in the bed. Princess Celestia, the proud ruler of a country of mostly-peace and certain prosperity, now reduced to a wreck. Her fur is matted, her mane is a pale pink, her form is smaller, bandages cover her eyes and left side of her snout, her wings are bandaged, and blood seems to have pooled in some of the bandages. My eyes widen at such a sight. “I’m a little uncomfortable with loud noises at the moment,” she continues.

“Celestia?” I ask. She coughs as she nods. I give a sneeze, which makes her flinch.

“It sounds like you’re unwell too,” she says, chuckling softly. I feel a hoof on my shoulder, which makes me give a small yell as I turn to see Luna.

“Anon, we need to talk about something,” she says in a dangerously serious voice.

“It’s about the Border,” Celestia continues. Luna nods, grimacing.

“Indeed. We will be moving out a number of military assets,” Luna says, “We got word of an attack force up north, and from what we can tell, we’ll need as much firepower we can possibly muster. However, we realized this will affect you and your Border.”

“Uh, Okay? How?” I ask with uncertainty.

“You will be vulnerable, to be put simply,” Celestia says. I spin to face her.

“Wait, wait, your idea of ‘handling’ a massive attack force is to-“

“Anon, we’re taking a lot of procedures and paying a lot of prices already,” Luna says.

“I tried to stop them,” Celestia says.

“Correction, we tried to stop them,” Luna says. I turn to Luna with confusion. “T’was not our idea, you see. The generals were furious after the bombing, and they declared Celestia unfit for military action due to the possibility of being shell-shocked. When they remembered the rumors of an attack force, they declared it necessary to start moving military personnel and assets to confront the Minotaur Country and stop it before it even begins. They will start moving in three days.”

“Um, okay, why do I need to know this?” I ask.

“We fear that this news might be too late, and the Border will be attacked,” Luna says. I look at her in confusion as I notice her uneasy glance. And then, it clicks. She’s saying that there might be an army coming to the Manehatten Border, and they’re taking away its defenses to confront said army, an army they’re not even certain of being able to meet.

“What the fuck!?” I yell. “Why would you take away the guards!?”

“W-we tried, we honestly tried-“

“There are hundreds of thousands of people living there!” I yell, making Luna flinch. “And you’re telling me they’ll be defenseless!?”

“How do you think I feel!?” Celestia yells, drawing our attention. Blood-stained tears are running down from her bandages as she grits her teeth, “How do you think I feel when I think of that? When my subjects are unknowingly decided to be ‘less important’, and my protests are completely ignored!” I simply stare at her pathetic form, letting my arms go limp. “I don’t want this, Luna doesn’t want this, and yet it still happens. Anon, I wish I could do more, but there’s only so much I can do when Ponies are afraid and unreasonable."

“...” I simply look down to the ground, feeling a pit in my stomach.

“P-please, forgive us Anon,” Luna quietly murmurs as her tears fall to the floor.

“...” I keep staring at the checkered floor, thinking. “... So, you’re telling me that Manehatten’s practically defenseless?” I ask. I get no reply. I don’t look up to see the princess’ reactions. “... Then teleport me back. I have better shit to do,” I say in a low voice. I can hear Luna take a breath to say something, but she doesn’t speak. After a moment, I receive a blinding light. I’m back in my house, in the living room. I slowly look around in silence before sneezing. I simply sigh in defeat, and sit down on the couch.

What am I going to do?...

September 25, 20XXI

I shuffle towards the Border, feeling nothing as I walk. I don’t know what I’m doing, really. I never told Whisk about the rumors, or about the state the Border will be in. I haven’t seen Spearhead or Segway for a couple days. Today’s the last day for the Royal Guards stationed here to stay. Tomorrow, they’ll be leaving. I’m over my sickness now, which feels pointless to think about at the moment. I stop as I remember to look in a pocket of my pants. I pull out a pack of cigarettes and grimace. I haven’t smoked in a while. Now’s a pretty good time. I take out a lighter from a different pocket and flick up a flame. I light the cig and start smoking before continuing my walk upon the concrete sidewalk. I'm not gonna lie, I'm beyond tired. I'm exhausted from the excessive work and weeklong sickness. I sigh out some smoke and look up at the scheduled weather. Funnily enough, it’s very cloudy today...

I arrive at the Border to see it bustling with activity. Mostly, lots of ponies transporting various items of armor or weaponry. I walk past groups of guards who all salute me as I go by. I reach the office building, and decide to check in on Clipper. I need to tell her stuff anyway. I open the door and see Clipper at her desk, working away. I quickly put out my cig and step inside. “Hey, Clipper,” I greet in a sort of monotoned voice. She looks up from her work and smiles.

“Hi sir! I see you’re feeling better!”

“Yep. Feeling...” I trail off as I think of the conversation I had with the Princesses. “... Better...” I awkwardly take a hand and rub the back of my neck. “Look, Clipper, um... Have you heard the orders?”

“Which orders?” She asks in confusion.

“... Well, the Royal Guard won’t be here after today,” I say. Clipper looks at me in surprise. “They’re all moving out to confront an army that might be heading towards us.”

“W-what?” She asks.

“Clipper,” I start, looking down. “I’m going to be honest with you. I don’t think you should come back here when there’s no one around tomorrow. Okay?” I look back up to see Clipper’s eyes. They’re scared. “Hey, it’ll be okay. Uh...” I trail off as I try to think of how to make the situation better. Of course, I fucking can’t. “... I promise you, everything will be fine, but don’t come to work until the Royal Guards-“

“Is that why the Border was closed off to civilians a few days ago?” She asks, interrupting me. I look up to see her face of realization. “They wouldn’t tell us anything, they just said the Border is-“

“Clipper, go home,” I say. Without thinking, I add, “I’ll handle it.” I realized what I said the moment I said it, and it makes me tense up. Clipper stares at me for a moment before chuckling, making me relax a little.

“For a moment, that sounded believable,” she says. I crack a smirk, nodding. “... Sir, what will you be doing?” She asks. I sigh, looking out a window.

“Fuck if I know,” I say, giving a hollow laugh. I can see the guards outside, marching to an unheard beat. I can also see the distant homes and offices of unassuming civilians in the distance. There’s very little distance between them and this Checkpoint. I feel a pit in the bottom of my stomach as I fully take in what I’m witnessing. This city is going to be defenseless. No one is actually going to be able to stop an army coming through the Checkpoint. It’s nothing more than a stone wall, which is a mere inconvenience when there’s no one to protect it. I continue to stare at the city in the distance before I hear a familiar voice.

“Anon!” Spearhead says, behind me. I jump in surprise and spin around to see Spearhead and Segway. They’re pissed.

“Anon, that stuff isn’t true, right?” Segway asks. “Manehatten isn’t just gonna sit here, right?” I only give a weary smile as a response.

“Those bastards!” Spearhead yells, scaring Clipper. “This is stupid! This is exactly what the enemy would want!”

“Yeah,” I say, nodding.

“We- we can’t just-“ Segway stumbles over his words, visibly angry. This surprises me slightly, as Segway’s never usually the angry type. But now, he’s furious. I kind of mentally chuckle at the irony, considering his history.

“Guys, look,” I start, cutting him off. “I... I can’t do anything.” Everyone deflates a little at my words. “Besides, we can still hope that there aren’t any armies coming.” Everyone tenses up, and look at me incredulously. Clipper walks up to me, with a baffled face.

“A-are... Are you bucking serious?” She asks, catching me off guard. “Sir, with all due respect, that’s the sorriest excuse for quitting I have ever heard.”

“Quitting?” I repeat with a scoff. “Please, it’d be futile if I tried to do something. I don’t have an instant personal army you know.”

“But sir-“

“What do you want me to do!?” I ask loudly, catching everyone off guard as I throw my arms up. “I’m not a soldier or a leader for fuck’s sake!” I feel tears well up in my eyes out of frustration and the blood boiling anger I had shoved to the back of my mind. I lean back against the wall as I start releasing the panic that I had bottled up, wiping the tears out of my eyes as I try to not feel so powerless. “I’m just some asshole that stamps papers, I’m not capable of helping to this magnitude...” I trail off with a murmur. The room is silent for a few uneasy minutes until Spearhead steps up.

“Anon... we’re sorry,” Spearhead says. “We shouldn’t have pushed you. We can see that you’re just as frustrated as we are.” I didn’t acknowledge him as I rub my face.

“N-No, I...” I trail off as I just stand against the wall, looking at the floor as my hands rub my face.

“... C’mon Segway, they’ll need us to start packing rations,” Spearhead says, pulling Segway away. As they walk out, Segway gives me a pitiful look before continuing to follow Spearhead. Clipper sighs.

“W-well, uh, sorry for yelling, I uh...” She sighs and looks at me with sad eyes. “I hope you’re ready for anything that happens, because no one else will be.” With that, she takes up her stuff and shuffles out. I continue standing in the front office of the building, thinking about what I should do. Finally, I sigh and decide to check out my Inspector office. I exit the building and immediately start heading towards my normal post. I don’t know why I bothered to show up today, now that I think about it. It’s not like I’ll really be letting soldiers in since all soldiers in the area have to move out. I open the door to my office and enter. I sit in my normal swivel seat and look over my desk. I hum in absentminded interest as I see the drawers and buttons and levers. However, I stop my gaze when it lands on a black and white picture of Whisk. It still has a purple feather taped on. I slightly smile and take the framed picture in my hand to get a closer look.

She looks happy. And that’s all it is, just a picture of her being happy. I can’t help but smile as well. However, I remember the rumors. The supposed army that could come up. I try to push it away, but it stays in my mind as I stare at Whisk. I feel a terror of sorts as I think of the army getting through, reaching town. If they reach town, there’s a guarantee that Whisk will get hurt. I suddenly remember Old Timey’s Diner, where I would get my coffee there. I remember the old Bit Tree that got closed. I remember Dusty Powder, working legally for once. I remember various happy memories, and realize that they are all found here, in Manehatten. It was where I first got a real chance, it was where I found my girlfriend, and it was where I really lived. I realize all this, and suddenly develop another feeling. The army could come in and destroy everything I could honestly hold dear. And the only thing stopping them is a fucking wall, and the most some fucking asshat tells us is ‘have hope.’ As I put Whisk’s picture down, I clench my other hand into a fist as I feel a familiar emotion pouring into every fiber of my being.

Now, I’m pissed...

Segway and Spearhead march along with their groups, following orders to transport a crate of rations to a wagon. They’re not happy about their predicament, but they follow orders anyway. "I still can't believe it," Segway complains under his breath.

"I know, I'm pretty mad too, but we don't really have a choice," Spearhead replies in the same manner.

"Yes we do!" Segway says, loudly this time. This draws attention towards the duo, and Spearhead slaps the back of Segway’s helmeted-head with a hoof.

"Alright then smart guy, what will you do?" Spearhead asks sarcastically. Segway opens his mouth, but doesn't speak. He looks down in thought. After a moment, he answers.

"I'm gonna-" before he could continue, he's interrupted. Suddenly, the sound of feedback from the speakers sound out, drawing every single pony’s attention as they hear me clear my throat into the mic connected to a loud speaker.

“Attention everyone. My name is Anonymous. You may know me as Anonymous the Human, or as the asshole who stamps papers.” Segway and Spearhead look at each other in confusion, like everyone else. “I’m the manager of this Checkpoint, I’ve been a manager for... I dunno, months, a year, it’s kind of hard to say. It feels like forever ago.” My chuckle could be heard through the loud speakers. “But I’m here to say something. I think the orders that came in recently are stupid as fuck.” Murmurs went through the crowds of soldiers and employees that decided to listen in. However, Segway and Spearhead’s spirits are rising. “The high-class asshats are telling us to leave the city of Manehatten alone, defenseless, to stop an army that we’re not certain of finding. Now, I’m not going to tell you to disobey orders. I just wanted it to be known that, as ponies who are trained to protect the defenseless, you’re being fucktarded. However, I’ll stay here to defend, even if I have to do it alone. I have too many things here for me to simply let go.” A hush falls over the crowd, as everyone carefully listens. “I’m not going to abandon the Checkpoint. If you want to help, report to me in the morning, five o’clock sharp.” The crowd starts muttering to themselves. “Oh, and by the way, you don’t have to do your duty if you don’t want to.” With that, the speakers turn off. The crowd that gathered look at each other in utter nervousness. The murmurs between everyone is loud, all asking what to do, what to think, and so on. Segway and Spearhead, on the other hand, smile at each other with certainty and nod.

"Alright, I know what I'm doing," Segway says.

“Ditto,” Spearhead says with a smirk. They drop what they’re carrying and start marching off. An officer in the crowd notices them and calls out.

“H-Hey! What are you two doing?!” This question makes the crowd quiet down as everyone looks at the two guards. Spearhead turns to look back at them, and smiles.

“Going to gather my equipment, kinda need it for duty tomorrow!” He calls back. The officer sputters.

“W-What do you mean!? We’re packing it up! You can’t just-“

“Sorry, but the boss tends to get mad when ponies don’t follow clear orders!” Segway yells, quickening up his pace. Spearhead does the same as everyone else sits in silence, contemplating what to do...

I sigh as I sit back from the mic. I’ll probably get yelled at for that later, but for now, I have a favor to call in. I get up and brush off anything that was on my grey jacket. I walk out of the small office and head towards Manehatten...

I walk through the streets of Manehatten. The ponies are bustling through the streets. They don’t know what might happen in a few days. I shudder a little as I feel eyes staring at me from the corners of alleyways. Suddenly, a familiar voice hits my ears. “You look like you’re looking for someone.” I turn to see Lighter, wearing his usual jacket and smoking a cig.

“Yeah, I’m looking for you or your boss,” I say. “I don’t give a fuck who I talk to, but I want to call in the favor.”

“Oh, and what are you requesting?” Lighter asks with a sly smirk.

“Help me defend Manehatten,” I say, crossing my arms. He drops his smirk.

“Come again?” He asks, losing his laid-back attitude.

“The guards are leaving the Checkpoint defenseless. I doubt that enough soldiers will stay behind to help.” Lighter looks at me, searching for a hint of a joke.

“Um, Buddy, do you have a couple screws loose?” He asks, scowling a little. He starts walking up. “This is a mob buddy, not an army.”

“I’m certain you’re still capable,” I say. The pony glares up at me, gritting his teeth, almost biting through his cig.

“It’s not a question of capability, it’s a question of-“

“What if I told you a noble would be in your debt?” I ask. “Like, say, a princess?” This stops the pony. He narrows his eyes.

“What are you talking about?” He asks.

“Well, where I come from, my country would occasionally request help from the mafia in times of war. Mostly for small time stuff though.” I can see the sparkle of greed in Lighter’s eyes. “If you fulfilled this favor of mine, your group would be recognized as heroic, and might even grant some dough that’ll make you happy.” I notice the corner of Lighter’s mouth twitch upward, like he’s trying not to smile at the idea of it. “Who knows, I figured you would’ve liked the possibility of free money. The rumors of an army coming up are still just rumors after all.” Suddenly, Lighter’s Attitude is completely different. He has his big smile back, and his eyes are sparkling, though I think that’s because of his greed.

“Alright, hold up pally,” Lighter says. “Don’t worry my buddy chum pal, I’ll try to run it through the boss. You’ll hear from us if we agree.” I frown.

“Make the decision by tomorrow morning, I don’t have the luxury of time to be able to wait.” With that, I turn around and walk away, leaving the gangsters to think...

September 26, 20XXI

I wake up with a start. I look over to see Whisk sleeping peacefully. I gently nudge her awake and start my morning routine. As I'm getting ready for today in the bathroom, Whisk gets up and groggily goes to the kitchen. With the reflection of the mirror, I could see her leave the bedroom and stretch her wings. After I'm done showering and brushing my teeth, I put on clean clothes and walk into the kitchen to properly greet Whisk. I walk in to see her by the stove, spatula in one talon and a skillet in another. "Morning," I say, leaning down to peck her on her head as she cooks eggs.

"Good morning," she replies, keeping her focus on the skillet with scrambled eggs on the stove. I walk out of the kitchen and go into the living room. I immediately sit down and turn on the TV. As I watch the news, Whisk walks in and hands me my plate. We eat our breakfast contently as we watch the news. I find it funny how they didn't hear anything about the Border yet. Which reminds me... I turn to Whisk. "Hey, Whisk," I start.

"Hm?"

"I'm gonna be...” I trail off to think about my words. “Working overtime,” I say.

"Overtime? Why?" Whisk asks, sounding much more alert. I shrug.

"Eh, just kinda... Feel like it," I reply. It's not exactly a lie. "I might be staying at the Border over night."

"Wait," Whisk says. "Why would you stay overnight?” I sigh and kinda shrug.

"Let's just say some ponies have been very incompetent over the course of the week while I was sick," I say.

"... Is it about the attack on Celestia?" She asks. After a moment of silence, I slowly nod, never looking her in the eyes. I hear her sigh and get up. "Well, I won't stop you. Just be careful, okay?" She asks. "I have a bad feeling about this week."

"I will, I will," I say, going back to my scrambled eggs. I doubt she knows what exactly I’m doing, but I’m not going to volunteer that information. I look at Whisk as she starts to finish up breakfast. “Hey, uh, Whisk?” I start. She looks up at me with her beautiful green eyes. I take a moment to study her features one more time. It could be my last. “... I love you, remember that, okay?” She gives me a confused look before giggling.

“I love you too, now finish your breakfast, you might be late for work at this rate,” she says. I smile and nod. I go back to my breakfast, savoring the comfortable moment for as long as I can...

I walk up to the Checkpoint, not really paying attention to what I'm doing. I'm probably going to be alone, if I’m being honest. The royal guard doesn't tend to disobey orders after all. I smirk as I remember Spearhead and Segway, who would probably disobey anyway. I hear a cough next to me, making me finally look up and making my eyes go wide. In front of the office building, a large crowd of armored guards stand in attention, facing me. When I say large, I mean large. If I had to guess, there are at least hundreds of guards in rows of ten, lined up along the path, on each side, to the office, which is still a ways away. The nearest guard salutes.

"Sir! It's five AM, reporting for duty, sir!" All the guards repeat the gesture, giving an 'ooh rah!' I simply stand before them, stunned.

"Uh," I say, unsure of what to do. After a couple moments of silence, the guard that spoke clears his throat.

"Waiting for orders! Sir!" I swallow a lump in my throat. Damn, that’s a lot of guards.

"Well, uh-" I stop as I hear a whistle behind me. I look over to see a large crowd of diverse creatures, all armed with various melee weapons like pipes, clubs, wrenches, and lots of sharp stuff. The crowd is easily within the hundreds, made up of ponies, griffons, hippogriffs, and even minotaurs. They're all wearing jackets, coats, hats, and I instantly recognize the purple Pegasus at the front.

"We agreed to your terms Human," he calls, smiling. I'm actually surprised they showed up. I turn back to the guard, clearing my throat as they look at them in confusion.

"Right, uh..." I trail off again. I don't know what to do, I didn't think I'd get this far. I suddenly remember something. Spearhead’s a sergeant at the very least, he can give orders. "Does anyone know where Spearhead is!?" I yell. Not even a minute later, Spearhead runs up to me, smirking.

"Sir?" He asks. I roll my eyes and start walking down the path, gesturing him to follow me. He does so.

"Cut that shit out, you're in charge of giving orders," I say. "Just make sure that the Border is constantly guarded, and that there's a shift change every six hours, alright?" I ask. He nods, salutes, and runs off, barking orders. I turn to the mafia member that walks up to me. Lighter, wielding a bat, smirks with a cocky attitude. "Alright, I trust you'll try to organize your group to keep a constant eye around the place?" I ask him. “I don’t want anyone passing the Border without my say so.”

"Why, for a favor from the Princess?" the Pegasus asks, chuckling. "I'll make sure that not a single soul gets through." I recognize another pony walking up, Brick. He's chuckling as he catches up to his companion.

"We'll do our part, don't you worry," he says.

"Alright, just don't do anything that'll mess up your chance," I warn. They walk off to start organizing their group as Segway catches up with me.

"Sir, what will you be doing?" He asks. I sigh.

"Don't call me sir," I say, continuing my walk to the inspection office. "As for what I'm doing, I'll just be doing what I always do." I turn to smirk at him. "I'm gonna raise hell to whoever thinks they can pass without my approval."

I pass various guards as I finish up my walk, who all salute me with a newfound respect that I don't understand for the moment. I can tell that this is still a small fraction of guards, since there used to be about ten times as many soldiers bustling about yesterday. Now, I imagine we're still underpowered, but I think we have a much better chance than before. I open the door to my usual office and step to my desk. I take out the trusty crossbow, which is already loaded with lethal bolts. I smile in newfound confidence as I walk out. "Yo! Someone get some goddamn crossbow bolts for me! I'm going to need them!" I yell. Minutes later, a guard comes up to me with a sizeable box. I take the box with one arm and carry my crossbow with another. "Alright," I say to myself. I check the ammo in the crossbow again and smirk. "Let's roll." I step back into my office, and turn on the mic. I lean in.

"Attention all soldiers and mob members," I say. "Thank you for coming to protect Manehatten in these dark times. I know the higher ups said there's a chance we won't be attacked, but I refuse to leave this place undefended. I don't guarantee safety to anyone here. I don't know when the attack will happen, or even if it will happen at all." I stop to swallow a lump in my throat. "Look, if you think this is a waste of time, then you better fucking leave, because I don't want to hear any God damn sass. With that said, we will all stay here overnight. Again, if you don't want to be here, then get your shit and get out." I lean back to see if I can hear anyone leaving.

All is silent.

I smile and lean in. "God help you all, thank you for your service. Now, get to your assigned posts!"

Chapter 25: The Part Where We’re Fucked

I stand in front of the usual entrance to the Border, taking in the scenery of the other side of the giant stone walls. I never really looked beyond the Border walls too much, and I never noticed how peaceful it looks. The wall of the Border faces north, towards a line of mountains. In front of the Border, is a large dock, resting to the right of a train station. The right side of the train station turns north, with the tracks going into a tunnel into a mountain about a mile away. Going west, the left side of the train station's tracks go into an open plain away from the Border. The fields are a sort of wheat color, having a darker hue due to the grey clouds above us. I find it strange that the weather is cloudy yet again. The grey mountains are topped with snow from what I can see. Farther up north, I can barely see a few yak-made trails going up and into the mountain. They are certainly wide enough to fit troops or wagons of equipment through. I keep my eyes out, scanning the fields, mountains, and sea as I smoke my cigarette. It's been a day, and very little has been seen. The weather ponies never took the clouds away, the train station never received any trains, and not a single ship has been spotted. I sigh as I stretch my back. My crossbow is leaning on the wall next to me, still loaded and cocked for anything strange. I didn't sleep last night, but coffee has helped me through the time.

Suddenly, I hear the clattering of armor, signalying marching soldiers. I instantly pick up my weapon and point it around. However, the only thing to greet me is a regular Royal Guard, who exits out of the room to see me pointing a weapon at him. "Don't shoot!" He cries, freezing as he sees me. I sigh and lower my weapon.

"Report," I say, recomposing myself. The guard clears his throat and visibly relaxes.

"Sir, Spearhead asked me to report to you that nothing of interest has been spotted."

"Any news from Segway?" I ask.

"No sir."

"Great," I mutter. Spearhead had decided to make three patrol parties to scout out into the fields and mountains. They each have at least one unicorn that can send messages to us. They'll write a letter and teleport it to a designated spot. They'll only report if anything was seen or heard, but they'll check in with us every two hours. It's not the second hour yet, so I didn't really expect anything.

Yesterday, after the speech I made, I was given a head count. Five hundred Royal Guard, two hundred Earth Ponies, two hundred pegasi, and one hundred unicorns. We have two hundred allied mobs, fifty earth ponies, thirty pegasi, ten unicorns, fifty five griffons, five Minotaurs, and fifty hippogriffs. In total, seven hundred. I don't know how Spearhead divided up the troops, but I trust that he can handle it. Though, I had to step in when Lighter and Spearhead started butting heads. After a few choice words, I made sure they won't strangle each other for the moment.

"Sir, do you want me to go make sure again?” He asks. This guard in particular is a runner for Spearhead, Lighter, and myself. We’d use our radios, but they have been a little finicky and unreliable recently. We can’t even use the walking-talkies.

“No, go to Lighter and see if he needs anything,” I say. The guard salutes and runs off. I sigh and return my attention to the possible entry points for the enemy army. Currently, there are a number of Pegasus archers keeping watch with me, among the clouds, but I can’t see them. I set my weapon back where it was and resume watch. I silently feel glad that nothing has been reported. I doubt that our impromptu army is going to do well after all. From what I can tell, we have a few veterans, but most of the soldiers we have are fairly new.

I simply keep my eyes open for anything strange or out of the ordinary. Now that I think about it, I have this bad feeling in my gut, like something’s wrong and I don’t know it yet. I look around again, trying to catch even the most minuscule of details by squinting my eyes.

Something’s wrong. I can feel a subconscious panic rising up, but I don’t know why. I look around again, trying desperately to see what’s wrong. I suddenly realize that I see something out in the plains. I hurriedly pick up my crossbow. “Hey, whoever’s an archer, try to fly up and identify the-“

“It’s the scouts!” A pegasus guard yells from above, sounding happy. I let out a sigh of relief and lower my weapon. As the figures come closer, I can see the camouflaged armor that was outfitted for the ponies wearing them. I smile in relief as I can see how many came back, but I drop it when I see that none of them look happy. Segway, the leader of the group, rushes up to me as he gets closer.

“Anon! Anon, this is bad!” He yells, sounding panicked.

“W-what!? What’s wrong!?” I ask. He skids to a halt in front of me, panting.

“T-there’s- there’s a-“ he keeps stopping to catch his breath.

“Is the army here!?” I ask. He shakes his head.

“W-worse!” He says, still panting. “Shield- t-thing-“ a fellow guard finally walks up to me, after catching up.

“Sir, we’re in a dome,” he says. My eyes go wide.

“Excuse me, what?” I ask.

“We’re trapped!” Segway yells, finally catching his breath. “We’re all trapped!”

“What do you mean we’re all trapped!?” I yell back, shaking him.

“S-Sir, uh, do you recall the Royal wedding of Canterlot?” One guard asks. I give him a confused as fuck look.

“The fuck does a wedding have to do with this!?” I ask loudly.

“Captain Shining Armor created a force-field with his magic, protecting the city from outsiders during his wedding.” The solider looks up with a hint of fear. “I heard that it’s also good at keeping things on the inside.” Just like that, I understand what’s happened.

“How big is it?” I ask. Segway looks up at me with pure terror.

“As far as we know, it covers the entirety of Manehatten,” he says, trembling. “Another scout group was assigned to following the dome’s edge, but they haven’t come back.”

“When did they leave?” I ask.

“About two o’clock this morning,” another guard says.

“Shit,” I say, panicking. “Uh, is there a chance that an ally of ours is doing this?”

“Sir, this type of enclosure would be publicly announced,” a guard says. “This is not a friendly move.”

“Shit,” I say, pacing as I try to think of what to do. “Shit, shit, shit!” Shit just went from zero to ten real fucking quick.

“Sir, should I try to call reinforcements?” A different guard asks. I look over to see that he’s a unicorn. I nod.

“Yes, try to send a message to any outpost-“

“It won’t work.” Everyone stops to look at the guard who previously spoke. “The field blocks magic from interacting with it, or going through it.” I feel my jaw drop as I process what he just told me. After a few minutes, I can only say one word.

“Fuck.”

“Sir, we also have something else to report,” yet another guard says. I face palm as I turn to him.

“The fuck is it now?” I ask tiredly.

“We spotted enemy scouts, north of here.” The guard swallows audibly. “Two dragons, and a Minotaur.” I sigh in frustration and look around me.

“Alright, uh...” I trail off as I try to think of what to do. What the fuck am I supposed to do!? I mumble a few words to myself before sighing. “Let’s head inside, we’ll need to gather everyone up for a meeting.” All the soldiers salute and rush to get inside. Segway, though, stays in front of me, trembling. I can see that he finally caught his breath, but he’s now deep in thought. “Segway, let’s go,” I say, after waiting for him to move. He looks up at me with wide eyes before speaking.

“A-Anon?” He asks. “W-will I die?” The question catches me off guard, and I look at him with surprise. He’s not looking at me, but rather at the ground.

“... You’ll be fine,” I say uneasily. He looks up at me with a hint of fear. “Just, don’t do anything stupid.” To that, Segway gives a hollow chuckle.

“I-I think it’s a little too late for that,” he says. However, after a couple seconds he nods before looking back up at me. “Welp, if I die, it has been an honor serving with you.” Before I could say anything, he stops me. “I just want you to know, that I’m still grateful for the chance you gave me. I’ll do everything I can to repay my debt.” With that, he marches confidently inside as I stare after him. I put my hands to my face as I try to calm down.

I sigh as I get to the mic in my office in the office building. We hurriedly installed it for the ease of convenience. “Ahem, attention all soldiers, we have a big problem. The scouting team came back, and it’s been reported that a giant dome has encased the city of Manehatten,” I say. “We’re not fully aware of how big it is, but we have a general guess that it covers a wide area. Their enemy scouts were spotted, so we believe there will be an attack soon.” I lean back to give out a shuddering sigh before leaning in. “I don’t know when, and I don’t know how, but they’ll attack. We will... We’ll...” I trail off as I take another breath. “... Please stand by for orders. On that note, Spearhead, Lighter, come to my office.” I lean back and rub my face with my hands.

This is too much. We’re already screwed, I can tell. My office door opens with the two people I requested. They’re both panicking. “Anon, was what you said true?” Spearhead asks.

“... Yes,” I say.

“Human, is... is it true that everyone in Manehatten is trapped?” Lighter asks.

“... Most probably,” I say.

“W-what are we going to do?” Spearhead asks.

“... Spearhead, we’ll need to tell the people in the city,” I say. However, before I can say anything else, I hear the door to the office building open.

“Does anyone know where the manager is!?” A voice calls. I sigh.

“In here! Who is it?” I ask. Spearhead steps aside as Lighter scowls. Walking in, a slightly buff cream-colored pony with a blue uniform walks into view. I can see his police badge on his vest and hat.

“Um, hey, I’m Glancey,” he greets nervously. “Uh, There’s a-“

“Yes, we’re aware of the dome over the city,” I say tiredly.

“O-oh, is the city supposed to have it?” He asks.

“No, we don’t know who’s generating it,” I answer.

“Oh, oh no,” he replies. “Is there anything we can do to help?” I start to shoo him off, but I stop.

“Actually, yes, there is something you can do,” I say, getting an idea. “Go back to the station and send out as many officers as you can. Please, try to take everyone into a safe place like a shelter or subway tunnel. Make sure to pack supplies like food and water for everyone.” The officer looks at me with confusion.

“W-why?” He asks.

“It’s better if you just make sure no one goes out until the all clear, okay?” The police officer looks between me and the two other ponies in the room.

“Is- is there an invasion?” He asks. I groan out loud.

“For fuck’s sake, this is a military operation, just go!” I yell, making him jump in shock before scrambling to leave. I sigh as I look at my desk. Things just got a hell of a lot more complicated, but if police training is going to amount to anything, it’ll at least ensure safety for civilians. I rub my face again as I lean back in my chair, hearing the door close as the officer leaves the building. “Okay, right, so we have an army coming to attack us, we have no way of communicating to the outside world, we’re probably vastly outnumbered and outgunned, and now, we’re trapped in here with them.” I throw my hands up, scaring Spearhead and Lighter as I yell, “Oh this is fuckin’ great!”

“Calm down Anon, we can get through this,” Spearhead says cautiously.

“Yeah, you need to remember, we still have a chance,” Lighter says.

“Yeah, a chance,” I say. Suddenly, a guard rushes in, bursting into the office.

“Sir! We have company!” He says.

Spearhead and Lighter instantly scramble out of the building as I try to follow them. The moment we’re outside, I call down a pegasus archer. “Headcount!” I yell.

“Uh, four Minotaurs Sir!” The guard replies. I frown. It’s probably an attempt at parley, or it’s a cocky threat. “One of them is holding his arms up, I think they want to talk!” I sigh as I think of what to do. I shrug as I figure that I might as well hear them out.

“... Let me go out!” I call.

I walk outside of the wall, meeting the enemies as they walk up. They’re in an arrow-like form, the leading Minotaur had grey skin and fur, and red eyes. Very edgy. “The fuck do you shitlords want?” I ask.

“Greetings Equestrian,” the leading minotaur says. “We have come to negotiate your surrender.”

“Hold up, who said anything about a surrender?” I ask. The Minotaurs grin.

“Please, don’t be stupid,” he says. “Your soliders are outnumbered from what we’ve seen. You’re not going to last two hours against our forces. Please, do us all a favor and don’t waste our time. If you surrender, we will make everyone’s death painless.”

“Kinda dishonorable to fight us, you know,” I say, making the Minotaurs drop their grins. “I mean, if you’re really gonna kick us while we’re down, wouldn’t that bring shame for such a dishonor?” All the Minotaurs grumble.

“We know, and we wish we could do something.”

“What’s stopping you?” I ask. The Minotaur leading the group frowns.

“Our King, we have found out, is at stake. A pony has been controlling him since the beginning of this war,” he says. “We found out yesterday, when the pony made the dome around your city. Currently, she’s negotiating the surrender of this city with your Princesses.”

“So, why don’t you all gang up on this voodoo-bullshit-using bitch?” I ask.

“She hid the King, and promises to kill him if we fail to follow any further orders she makes,” he responds, sounding angry. “It’s humiliating, to find that we have to be pawns in her war, a war we don’t even want anymore.”

“Why’s the King so precious to you guys?” I ask. “I know it’s kind of a bad question, but-“

“King Redfur has done many things for Minotaurs!” The Minotaur yells. “He United us once more, whilst we were divided by petty differences! Do not ever suggest he is worthless!”

“Alright, sorry man! Geez,” I say. The Minotaur huffs.

“The pony says you have three days to make the choice to surrender.” I glare at him as he speaks. “After that, the pony will start making negotiations with the Princesses to release the city.” The Minotaur’s eyes squint at my unchanging expression. I merely keep my glare. “I suggest you pray that the Princess is quick, the pony wants us to keep attacking you until the city is released.” With that, he signals for the other Minotaurs to leave. As they leave, I let my face contort to panic as I rush back inside. The moment I step back out to the other side of the wall, I see a crowd of soldiers that were apparently listening in. One of them steps up.

“Um, sir? What do we do?” He asks. I look around at everyone as I process the situation. On day three, we’ll be attacked, and the princesses can start trying to negotiate the release of Manehatten. That could take some time, depending on what the ‘pony’ wants. After I stand around for a minute, I say the only thing that comes to mind.

“We’re fucked...”

Whisk frowns as she serves up a shot glass for another patron. She has a bad feeling, and she doesn’t know why. Everyone’s been pretty friendly, and the weather was relatively fine. She’s a little confused about why the weather-Ponies didn’t change the clouds, but she figures it’s a change of schedule. As she thinks to herself, the door opens with a police pony walking in. “Excuse me everyone! May I have your attention please?” He calls. “We are all under a mandatory city-wide lockdown of sorts. Please follow road signs and instructors as they guide you to shelter!”

“What the hell are we going to a shelter for?!” A patron asks.

“W-well, stay calm, but there’s a dome over the city!” The police pony says. Whisk’s eyes go wide, along with everyone else’s. “The military has instructed civilians to please go to the shelters and remain calm! The military is taking care of everything!” Whisk’s mind races as she hears all this. What’s going on? Is Anon safe? Why is there a dome over the city!? She hurriedly looks over everyone.

“You heard him everyone! Finish up your drinks and start heading out, the bar’s closed now!” She calls. She hears some of the drunks groan, but they start sipping their liquor a bit faster. “Please be safe Anon,” Whisk mutters to herself as she start hurriedly packing up glasses and bottles...

It’s midnight. The Border is lit up like a Christmas tree as armored ponies and punk-dressed mob members scurry around to account for weapons and supplies. The sky isn’t really visible due to the clouds. The scout team that Segway sent this morning finally came back a couple hours ago. They found the enemy army, and we all deflated when we heard what the scouts describe it as. Massive. Simply massive. According to them, the army easily doubles ours, with the mafia included. Spearhead went off to re-organize troops, Lighter is off to convince his buddies not to leave, and I’m sitting in the Checkpoint’s office building, having a vague idea of what to do. I groan out loud and hit my head on to the desk. Suddenly, I hear a siren. My head shoots up, my eyes going wide, recognizing the heart-stopping sound.

Bombing.

I grab the mic on my desk. “Attention all soldiers! Please head inside buildings! Initiate anti-bombing procedures! Archers, start letting arrows fly!” I yell. As soon as I was done, an explosion shakes the room. I quickly rush under my desk to try and protect myself. Why are they bombing us!? I thought we had three days! Suddenly, a letter appears beside me. I grab it and quickly unroll it to read.

‘Can’t hit- High Altitude’

I feel my eyes bulge as I see the words. High altitude bombing is not really counterable for us, the range our archers have is too short for that. Granted, they could go to the sky, but they’re not equipped for high altitude fighting. I imagine that the ones doing the bombings are dragons, since they have thick scales and can naturally fly much higher altitudes than pegasi. I toss the letter away and try to stand up for the mic. “Change of plans, retreat back into the sturdier buildings of the Checkpoint!” I yell. I go back under the desk and squeeze my eyes shut as I feel the heavy thuds and hear the explosions.

It feels like it’s been hours since it started. I’m starting to feel cramped as I hide for my life under my desk. I would get messages from Spearhead and Lighter, they’re not certain if everyone’s fine, but the majority are. I continue to wait for the incessant bombing to stop as I stare at the inner wall of the desk. I’m used to the shaking now, and I’m starting to wonder what the fuck the dragons are trying to hit. Suddenly, the shaking stops, and all is silent. I slowly and cautiously poke my head out to try to look out the window. Everything seems deceptively normal. I crawl out and walk out the office. I exit the building and frown. There are big holes everywhere, they seem to be roughly six feet wide. As far as I can tell, they weren’t really aimed well. Some buildings were hit, but the holes are scattered across the ground. I sigh and go back inside. I head to the mic on my desk and lean in. “The coast is clear, I believe the bombings have stopped.” I sigh as I sit back down. After about half an hour, I hear the door open and I look up to see Spearhead.

“Anon, we have eight of our soldiers dead.” I frown at the news and start shaking my head as I rub my temples.

“Dammit, I thought we’d get three days to prepare, but I guess they want to make sure that doesn’t happen.” I hear some stomping hooves and sigh.

“Human!? Where are you!?” Lighter’s voice calls. “I’m calling off our support! The boys are getting restless, and this whole shindig’s not worth it!” I groan and get up. The mafia needs to stay, their help is invaluable at this point. I walk outside and almost bump into Lighter. He’s pissed. He looks up at me with a glare.

“Look, I understand this is stressful, and I understand that this was unexpected,” I start. “But please, don’t back out on us. We’re counting on your support.”

“Look buddy, Princess or not, I’m not gonna have the threat of bombs over my boys’ heads!” He scoffs as he rubs his head with a hoof. “I should’ve known better than to trust that you know what you’re doing.” I frown and cross my arms. Now this is just pissing me off.

“Well I’m sorry that I didn’t know they would do that,” I reply. “What do you want me to do, kindly ask them to stop?” I sarcastically ask. “Oh, I certainly think that could work!”

“Guys, calm down!” Segway yells, running up.

“I agree with Sergui, you two should calm yourselves,” he says. “Judging from the where the majority of bombs landed, I would say that this is more of a fear tactic. The deaths of our men were probably just bonuses to them.” Lighter whirls around and glares at Spearhead.

“I don’t care! We’re pulling out whether your happy ass likes it or-“ I shut Lighter up by grabbing him by the jacket and lifting him off the ground. This startles everyone around us, both the guards and mafia members. I turn him to face me as he dangles in the air.

“The hell you will!” I yell, looking at him in the eyes. Lighter grits his teeth, almost biting off his cigarette.

“You wanna go buddy boy!?” Lighter yells in my face, not deterred by my pony-handling.

“ENOUGH!!!” Spearhead yells, effectively shutting us up. He runs to me, bats my hand to let go of Lighter, and gets between us before we do anything. “Anon, if they don’t want to help, don’t force them, it’ll only make things worse in the long run.” I look at Spearhead in shock, knowing that he knows the importance of their help, but I see his eyes. He perfectly understands what’s going on. “Anon, I’m angry too, but we’ll need them to be willing if you want them to help.” I stare at him for a little longer before I sigh and turn away as I drop the pegasus to the floor. Lighter coughs as he gets up.

“War or no war, I’m more concerned about my guys, not everyone else,” he says. He fixes his jacket and starts walking away. Before he gets far, I say something.

“You do realize what they’ll do, right?” I ask, never turning. This makes Lighter stop. “They’re not taking prisoners, and they’re specifically instructed not to let anyone leave alive.”

“.... What?” He asks calmly. I finally turn to him, wearing an angry expression as I recall the conversation I had with the Minotaur.

“I’m telling you, if you leave, the enemies won’t stop at killing us, they’ll hunt for civilians. If they’re hurting innocent people, they’ll sure as hell try to hurt your guys as well.” I start shaking with anger. “Now, I want you to listen, and listen closely. I don’t give a fuck if you don’t like being threatened with bombs, because they’re not going to stop at threats once they reach the city. We’re lucky they’re cocky or honorable enough to give us time, or else we’d be dead already.” I see Lighter’s wings go limp. He’s starting to understand. “I want you to tell your men this: The enemies are going to kill and destroy anything and everything in the city without hesitation. If your men have any families in the city, they better step the fuck up and help us defend, because they won’t have a chance to do that when we’re dead.” Lighter looks at me, silent for a moment.

“... If they don’t want to stay, they’ll leave,” he says. “Don’t try to stop us if that happens.” Without another word, he walks away. I sigh, exhausted from the past two days already. I run a hand down my face as I start to feel light headed.

“Spearhead, I’m going to go sleep, wake me up if something happens,” I mumble. “Tell everyone who’s not on duty to go to bed.” I stumble back into the office building as I start looking for a cot I had set up yesterday. I set it up in my office, to the right of my desk. I don’t take off any of my clothes, and instead, I opt to just flop onto the cot itself. This, in turn, made me grunt in pain as I realized that the cot is almost as hard as the ground. However, it’s good enough to sleep on. I feel my eyelids getting heavy as I pretty much pass out...

I open my eyes to find that I’m home, in the living room, with the TV on. It’s on the news channel, but the words are sort of blurrier than usual. “Anon!” A voice calls. I look left to see Luna as she wraps her hooves around me for a bone-crushing hug. Well, it’d be bone crushing if I wasn’t in a dream. “Thank the stars, thou art fine!” She says.

“Yep. I’m kicking,” I say. “Did you hear about the new predicament my Border’s in?”

“Hear about it? Anon, we art panicking about it!” Luna replies. She gestures towards the TV, prompting me to look. The screen is different, showing a crystal clear picture of a large transparent dome with a blue hue to it. “We hath tried everything to get inside, but nothing works! This level of magic is beyond extraordinary!” As she speaks, I inspect the dome to see that it’s rather ridiculous how big it is.

“Damn, So we’ll be stuck defending Manehatten by ourselves then,” I mutter, shoving my hands into my dream pockets.

“W-what does thou mean?” Luna asks.

“Well, I rallied up a small army of my own, I even got the mafia to join in. Turns out, the enemy army was already here, they arrived a little more than two days ago. The dome was set up during the night, probably.” Luna’s face turns to horror.

“Is that why no one’s been sleeping there?” She asks. “Is it due to constant panic and vigilance?!”

“Wait, no one’s been sleeping?” I ask. Luna nods. I sigh and rub my face. “Well then, thank God I told them to sleep then. No wonder why everyone’s so pissed off.”

“Anon, how many soldiers are with you? We hath heard reports of quite a few of them breaking off from the main force to join you.” I chuckle as I dream up a cigarette. I put it in my mouth as I answer.

“We have less than seven hundred troops to fight an army that’s more than twice its size.” I turn to Luna with with serious expression. “If we fail, they’ll destroy Manehatten, and kill everyone. They’re being forced to do it though, so keep that in mind.” Luna’s face contorts to terror.

“An army more than- Oh no, we didn’t think-“ Luna stops to hug me again. “We art so sorry! We art so, so sorry!”

“It’s not your fault, it’s the incompetence of ponies,” I say. “Speaking of which, tell those asshats that made the decision in the first place to shove it up their ass.” Luna nods in my chest, struggling to hold back her tears.

“We will Anon, we will,” she says. Luna breaks away from the hug to look at me. “Anon, you shall be waking up in a moment. Take care, alright?” I chuckle as I pat her head and ruffle her mane a little.

“Don’t worry about me, I’ll be damned before I’m letting someone through the Checkpoint,” I say. She smiles tiredly at me. And suddenly, everything goes white...

I wake up to Spearhead shaking me. “Anon, there’s something you should see!” He says quickly and loudly.

“Fucking- what?” I ask groggily.

“Minotaurs! A small army!” He calls. I shoot up from my cot. “They asked for you to come out to talk!” I hurriedly jump up and start running. I accidentally shove him out of the way as I do so. I run up to the wall, go through the doors, and come outside. I immediately stop as I see the large group of enemies before me. They’re all wielding large maces and swords. I finally realize that it’s almost the middle of the day, if the brightness is anything to go by.

“Anonymous the Human,” the leader of the group says, who I recognize as the one who talked to me last time. I quickly realized that I forgot my crossbow. Shit. “Rather bold of you to not bring any weapons.” It seems he noticed too. I recompose myself and stare him in the eyes.

“Rather bold of you to be alive,” I counter. I hear many of the Minotaurs chuckle at that statement.

“... Good one,” the leader compliments. I cross my arms, starting to get impatient.

“What, not gonna tell us how we should’ve expected the bombings?” I ask, crossing my arms.

“Actually, that was not supposed to happen,” the Minotaur says. “The dragons were... over eager, to say the least.”

“Alright, so what was the point of you guys coming over here?” I ask. The leader clears his throat and steps up, making everyone uneasy. I hear the bows of the pegasus guards above us start straining from the arrows being drawn. I make a gesture for them to hold fire, which apparently works. I look at the Minotaur again, but stop as I see him and his group kneeling.

“We wish to join you,” he says, never looking up. I silently stare at him, slowly raising an eyebrow.

“... Excuse me?” I ask. “Is... Is this a joke?”

“No, small human, it’s a request,” the Minotaur says.

“... What’s the catch?” I ask. He shakes his head, finally looking up.

“There is none.”

“... What about your king? You know, the one you made a big deal about?” I ask. He sighs.

“We received a message from our king as a ‘payment’ from the pony,” he explains. I notice his emphasis on payment, like it was supposed to be sarcastic. “Not only did he say he’s fine, but he gave us words of encouragement.” I quirk an eyebrow at this. “He told us that he was ashamed. Ashamed of his fall, and of ours.” I notice his fists clench as he talks. “He talked of how we were true warriors from ages past, warriors that would not dare lay down their sword for simplicities of gold or fortune. No, we had done it for the weakest of us, for the ones that could not walk with us or join us in battle.” He looks at me with determination in his eyes. “We had done it for our own, even if our numbers were few, we fought for them.” He looks down with a hint of shame. “I realized that you are currently doing that now. I wish I could ask the King for forgiveness for the choices we made.”

“Wait, what choices?” I ask. I can see him frown a bit more.

“The choice of going along with this war, the choice of following this cowardly pony, and the choice of putting his life in danger.”

“How’d you do the last one?”

“By breaking off from the pony’s army,” he replies. “Luckily, enough of my men followed me to make sure I didn’t die while doing so.” All the other Minotaurs smirk in almost perfect unison, with a few giving a hearty bark of laughter.

“We feel the same Galon,” one minotaur says. To this, all the Minotaurs cheer from their kneeling positions before quickly shutting up from the leader’s glance.

“Regardless, the point is, we wish to join your army and try to defend your city,” he says. I quirk an eyebrow.

“How do you think your King would react?” I ask. The leaders frowns deeply.

“If I didn’t do this, I would never be able to look at my King in the eyes, knowing how many innocents I would have helped slaughtered.” I hum in acknowledgement and rub my chin. I don’t entirely trust them, but their eyes are pleading and yet determined. I sigh and gesture them to follow me.

“Alright, come on, I’ll take you to another entrance that’s big enough for all of your soldiers,” I say, turning to the right to start walking.

“Thank you, Human,” the leader says, getting up with the rest of the Minotaurs.

“Don’t mention it. Now, you’ll have to talk to Spearhead when we get inside, you and him will sort out your men. Sound good?”

“Yes,” he says, walking fast to catch up to me. “Thank you for this chance.”

“Seriously don’t mention it, I might regret it later.”

Author's Note

Oh boy oh gee wowza, this’ll be a real doozy.

Chapter 26: Welcome To Manehatten! Now Get Your Shit And Get Out.

September 30th, 20XXI

I sigh as I get up from my cot. It’s day three, the day when the enemies start marching to our wall. I stretch as I hurriedly get up and start mentally preparing. Throughout the past three days, the mafia returned, perfectly ready to fight, even bringing fifty more of their own, half of which were earth ponies, half of which were hippogriffs and pegasi. They even brought a pleasant surprise: Barrels of gunpowder. They spent the first day digging holes and the second day setting up the barrels so that they act like magically activated mines. I don’t think I’ve ever smiled so maliciously in my life. As the mafia were doing their thing, I had Galon, the leader of the rebel Minotaurs, fill me in on the army charging at us. They’re mostly dragons and Minotaurs, with a few remaining separatist hippogriff forces that still refrain from rejoining their former country. They have battering rams, catapults, and even some ballistas that are outfitted with explosive ammunition, according to Galon. However, due to the bombing run the Dragons did, the ammunition for the ballistas were greatly reduced. Thank God for their stupidity. The enemies will be coming from the mountains up north, head on. However, Galon revealed to us a rather terrifying fact: The army camped on mountain is not the only one. It turns out, they can call for reinforcements. The pony making this dome is actually able to open up a hole for reinforcements to go through. Thus, the odds went from two to one-ish to who-fucking-knows to one-ish. However, we’re all still willing to fight, despite the odds.

Also, we all ran around the Border again to try to find anything that could help defend against the oncoming siege. We found two ballistas, a lot of wood, a bunch of spears, swords, shields, and armor, most of which was locked away for emergencies. We fitted everyone as much as we could, and started setting up defenses. We built a wooden wall, a defensive wall for the two ballistas we put out on each side, and set up formations for the soldiers to go into on the day we start. Truth be told, it’s shoddy, but it might work. Galon said that the enemies will charge head on since this is technically the weakest and easiest point of access to the city. Now, we’ve changed that.

So, here I am, straightening my grey jacket, over my red shirt, whilst I wear grey pants and boots. Today’s the day to fight for our lives, as well as many innocents. I sigh as I get my crossbow and check to see if it’s loaded. I look at the mic and shrug. If a pep talk is needed, now’s a good time for it. It should be early enough for everyone to be up and heading to their positions. I walk over and clear my throat. “Attention all soldiers, I just wanted to say something before we start heading out.” I take a moment to breath deeply and lean back in. “We don’t have a good chance, first and foremost. We’re vastly outnumbered, according to Galon. However, we learned that we’re not necessarily outgunned.” I smirk. “And yet, we still have to take a moment to look around ourselves. The person next to us might be dead in the next few hours or days. The sky might always be cloudy above our heads, hiding the amount of pegasi or griffons that died while protecting us from above. We all might fail at every possible chance we get.” I sigh. “But you know what I say to that? I call bullshit. If anything, I’m pissed at how the enemies think they can just march in, and kill everyone we could hold dear!” I clench my fist as I actually get angry. “So you know what!? Throw everything you have assholes! Because if you’re gonna kill me, or any of us, I want to make sure you realize that it will take everything!” To this, I hear a roar of battle cries and cheers. “Now who’s ready to fuck up an invasion!?” Even louder now, the roars continue. “Then get your asses into position soldiers, we have ass to kick!” With that, I confidently walk away from the mic, crossbow in hand.

Spearhead smiles as the pep talk I had prepared ends. “Not bad Anon, not bad,” he says absentmindedly.

“Yeah, I got to hand it to them,” a voice says. Spearhead looks over to see Lighter, wearing a jacket and smoking a cigarette. “He’s got a way with words.” Spearhead scoffs, nodding. “Huh, I’ve never seen you without your armor.” Spearhead shrugs as he puts on said armor.

“Well, I’m always battle ready,” he mutters. “My wife complains about it, but I think I’d rather be safe then sorry.” With that, Spearhead starts walking out with Lighter beside him. They get out of the Border, and into the field of defenses. They both specifically remember each trap and wooden board they set up. Spearhead and Lighter are complete opposites, in terms of personalities, from what they could both gather. Spearhead is always on top of things while following the rules and laws to the letter, but Lighter gives them no attention as he manages what his boss gives him. Spearhead absolutely hated Lighter when they came together on the first day. Lighter has the same attitude. They butted heads constantly, like how to ration out supplies and spreading out defenses. As they walk to their respective place, which is in front of the crowd of soldiers and mafia members, Lighter starts speaking.

“You know, I would’ve guessed you guys would still be sticking a hoof up your own asses if it wasn’t for your buddy.” To this Spearhead chuckles.

“Yeah, my friend would say the same thing.” Finally, they reach their destination and stop. They’re looking towards the mountains.

“... You know what really convinced me to get my troop to stay?” Lighter asks. Spearhead shrugs. “It’s what that Human said. They’ll hunt us down whether or not we fight, and my boys don’t like the idea of dying like bucking wimps.”

“... Do you really care about your underlings? Or is that an act for them?” Spearhead asks.

“What do I look like, Bill Murneigh? Of course I care for them, I recruited every single one of them myself when I was younger,” Lighter says with a bit of venom. However, Spearhead doesn't take offense to this. He snickers again.

“You know, the same goes for me. I actually know mostly every soldier fighting with us today,” Spearhead says. “... I guess you’re not such a rat after all.” Lighter rolls his eyes.

“... For buck’s sake,” Lighter says suddenly. “Why the hell am I gonna die fighting side by side with a glorified copper?” He asks. Spearhead snickers.

“You know what, how about dying while fighting side by side with a friend?” Lighter looks at Spearhead with a deadpan expression.

“Lord of the Horseshoes? Really?” He asks. He tries to look uninterested, but finally he sighs. He glances at Spearhead as he talks. “... Are you actually a fan of Lord of the Horseshoes or-“

“Yeah, my wife suggested I try going to the movies for fun. Truth be told, I think I’m a bit of obsessed with that series now...”

Segway sighs as he looks at a picture of his marefriend. He silently prays that he’ll be able to see her again. He sighs and puts away the picture. He remembers of when he first came to the Border. A simple spy, a simple job. Just act brainless, he had thought. They wouldn’t know. They wouldn’t care. He’d report many things to a higher up for a year before one day, stopping. It was well before Anon caught him, and well before he met his marefriend. He actually can’t remember exactly when he’d stop messaging his boss. It’s just that one day, he stopped. He realized he hated what he was doing, and who he was doing it to. For once, he wasn’t alone, and he had ponies and a person to go to. Segway smiles, chuckling as he finds it funny that one of his first friends was the one that cussed him out. He sighs as he frowns. He wish he could be a bit more help, but he knows he’s still of some use. With that in mind, he marches out of the barracks to go meet up with the main force. Time to pay back his debt to Anon.

I stand at the very front of the army, under the grey clouds. Above the clouds are hundreds of pegasi and griffons, ready to defend from above. On the ground, are even more soldiers and mafia members. To say this was intimidating would be an understatement. However, I don’t think it will be as intimidating as the enemies, but oh well. We have the Minotaurs that joined us along the front, backed by everyone else. The unicorns are all in a diamond formation in the middle of it all. Lighter and Spearhead at right at the front, standing side by side. I simply stand in front to see if there’s going to be any peaceful talks. Thankfully, my Wait is rewarded with a lone dragon coming up to me from the skies. He lands with a thud, and reveals what he looks like. He’s red, and I recognize him. “Oh motherfucker!” I yell, almost throwing my fucking crossbow at the ground. At the sound of my voice, Garble, the dragon freezes and looks up in shock to see me. “You better hope to God I miss your fucking face you god damn-“ as I start trying to aim my bow at him, Spearhead rushes up to hold me back.

“Oh hell,” Garble says. “W-why are you-“

“I kicked your ass once bitch don’t think I can’t do it again!” I yell. Everyone around us looks at me like I’m crazy, but Garble just kinda sweats. See, Garble came to my Checkpoint before, without a passport. He then thought he could threaten me. He then thought he could fight me. He then he thought I wouldn’t shoot him with the crossbow. Anyway, after I calm down enough to talk, I was released and stiffly walk up to him. “Bold of you to show your ugly as fuck face,” I say. Garble growls, suddenly less scared.

“I’ll make sure your face is worse off stupid ape,” he says. I level my crossbow to his face, which makes him freeze. “You wouldn’t dare-“

“Try me bitch,” I say. “Now you tell your cronies this, we’re not surrendering, and we’re sure as hell not gonna let you guys through.” I give him a glare through my crossbow. “So, go ahead. We’re ready to fight.” Garble growls and takes off. I look up after him, lowering my weapon. I sigh and turn to my small army. “Get ready!” I yell, heading back. I established that I’ll be at the back, being the last line of defense. I’ll try to help as much as I can with my crossbow, but I’ll start fighting with a knife once I run out of ammo. “We’re in the Endgame now,” I mutter to myself...

The army of Equestria, being almost twelve hundred, stands ready at the front of the wall, with wooden walls, shiny weapons, armors, and ballistas on their side. The sound of marching troops gets louder and louder. The Equestrian forces shift uncomfortably as they see the enemy army approaching from the mountain. The first wave of Minotaurs and dragons probably consists of about more than twice the size of the Equestrian forces. It becomes apparent that the army will be coming in waves. Everything is silent as a Minotaur from the enemy side walks up to us. "This is your last chance, surrender or suffer as you die."

"In the words of a dear friend," Spearhead says. "Shove it up your ugly ass." Many of the soldiers give a hearty laugh at a statement they all agree with. The Minotaur sighs.

"So be it." With that, he retreats back to his army. After a few minutes of a silent standoff, both sides give a war cry in unison and charge at each other. In mere moments though, patches of the enemies suddenly burst into the air from the make-shift barrel mines. This takes out a quarter of them. Nevertheless, the battle continues. Swords clash against armor, magic soars through the air against enemy dragons flying at lower altitudes, and crossbow bolts occasiobally expertly fly into their targets. I myself am occasionally firing these shots. However, I need to save my ammo, it might be my last defense. Otherwise, I simply sit by and watch the battle. The unicorns are certainly helping with their fire and healing magic. The pegasi's battle is unknown to me, since I can't see above the clouds. The rest of the force seems to be holding well against the attackers. I give a small smile as I see that we might have a better chance than I thought...

Meanwhile...

Celestia sits in a meeting room, almost shaking with rage. She heard what Luna witnessed, and she is extremely angry. She's not fully healed yet, one of her eyes is still covered in bandages. She waits for the meeting with the true master, controlling the war's strings. The meeting room is a little big, with a large round table and twenty chairs set up. It's rather much, but the pony in charge of the enemy requested it. At this point, the Princess is not at a point to be able to argue.

Finally, the door opens to reveal a cloaked pony, with two Minotaur guards next to her on each side. "Princess," she says with a hint of venom. "How nice of you to join me for our little talk." Celestia realizes she recognizes her voice, but she isn't sure if she really knows.

"What do you want?" She asks bluntly.

"What? No friendship talk? No song to say I'm wrong?" The pony mocks, being her pink hooves to the table. "I figured you would try to-"

"Do you think this is a game!?" Celestia yells.

"Yes," the pony answers easily, pulling back her hood. Celestia's eyes widen as she leans back. "I do."

"N-no, you can't be-" Celestia denies, but stops as the mare's maniacal laugh cuts her off.

"Time travel's pretty helpful when you know how to use it," says the now revealed Cozy Glow.

Unlike last time, she is much older. "H-how-'

"I rotted away in Tartarus for twenty years," Cozy says. "Twenty years is all it took for me to escape. Five minutes was all I needed to go back in time."

"B-but you don't have a-" Celestia is again interrupted when Cozy opens her cloack to reveal a sickening sight. Three unicorn horns were tied around her neck. Each were a different color.

"It's amazing what Tirek's magic can do. It can give, and it can take," Cozy says, laughing a little. “He was shocked at first, but he managed to give me what I want. All I had to do was find some worthless unicorns that thought they were down on their luck, tie the horns around me, and then focus to use them. The extra two were for decoration really.”

"Y-you monster!" Celestia says.

"I might be a monster, but I'm a smart one," Cozy says gleefully. "Now, about our talk, I'm going to give you the mercy of asking for something simple." Celestia immediately snaps her attention back to what their conversation.

"What do you want!?" She almost yells.

"I want the one who locked me up the second time," she says. "It's because of him that I failed. Twilight at least had some smarts on her, but that thing!?" Cozy stops to laugh maniacally before slamming her hooves onto the table, rapidly changing emotions. "It shouldn't have happened! There's no way that should have happened! That stupid ape should not have been able to outsmart two separate plans I had made!" Celestia leans back as she sees the crazy look in her eyes. "Now, give me Anon and I'll make sure he’s the only one that truly pays.” Celestia stares at Cozy for a minute, silently thinking about what to do. What could she do? She looks down in thought, struggling to think of an answer.

Finally, Celestia looks up, frowning.

"No."

Everything goes silent. Cozy Glow’s eyes twitch a little as she registers her answer. “... What did you say?"

"...I said no," Celestia says quietly.

"I don't think you understand your position Princess," Cozy says with a hiss.

"No, I refuse to let him down again," Celestia states, standing up.

"Your people will die," Cozy warns.

"No they won't. I believe in Anon, and I believe in my soldiers," she says. "I don't believe in the threats of a spoiled, insane, and power hungry child." Cozy Glow looks down for a moment, laughing.

"Oh, you stupid, worthless princess." Cozy Glow looks up with a wide, insane grin. "I can't wait to see the corpses you could have saved!" With that, she gestures for her guards to leave. After they leave the room, Celestia slumps in her chair. She puts her head on the table as she tries her hardest not to burst into tears.

"Anon, you and your troops are our only hope," she quietly mutters. “Please be successful...”

I sigh as I hear our casualty count. We actually did amazing for our first wave. Only twenty are dead on our side, which is a good damn miracle. However, a little over four hundred of us are injured. I stand in front of Spearhead, who's covered in bruises and scratches. I want the injured to start resting, but they refused. I simply let them be. Anyway, I'm holding my crossbow as I pace. We're still in front of the Wall, carrying out dead into the Checkpoint and keeping their names in check. It's already five in the afternoon, the battle took many hours. We killed many and drove off the rest. I don't know what we have actually done in terms of damage. Our ballistas are fine, our wooden wall is mostly fine too. I consider this a win for us, especially since it boosted our morale among our soldiers. I groan and put my free hand into my face. "Well, we have a big chance, I guess," I say. “According to our luck anyway.”

“See Anon, we just needed to believe in ourselves!” Spearhead says. I deadpan at him.

“Motherfucker, almost half of our forces needs medical attention, that’s not a good thing,” I say. However, before we could take more time to talk, a crash shakes the office we're in. With wide eyes, we rush over to find a hole in the giant wall. Grimacing, I run back to my office and head to my mic. As I rush in, I see many soldiers already running out, either limping or stumbling. I get to my mic and I lean in quickly. "Everyone! Battle Stations!" I yell. Apparently, it's round two. A soldier rushes in, blood covering one of his legs.

"Sir! Catapults are launching boulders at the wall! They've breached-"

"Go and gather Segway's scout group! They'll stop them!" I yell, causing him to scramble off. I hurriedly grab my crossbow and head out. I exit the building and cross the Border. Once I reach outside again, I pull my weapon up as I see over a thousand enemies, all bashing against the wall with a battering ram. I take a couple shots before retreating back inside. I still have limited bolts, and I doubt my dagger will be of any help in this case. After I load up my crossbow, I come back outside to see what’s going on. The pegasi and unicorns are actually being successful crowd control troops, setting fire to the battering ram as well as the forces aiding it. I catch one mafia griffon gouging a Minotaur’s eyes out with his talons, making me cringe in pain. “Jesus,” I mutter to myself. I can see blood flying into the air from the slashing of swords. It’s at this point, I almost vomit. Granted, I’ve killed a few creatures on accident, but I’ve never really seen much of this type of action. In the distance, I can see Galon strangling a dragon with his bare hands. I scoff. He doesn’t seem to like dragons specifically. I turn to see that the catapults are still up, and are being loaded. They’re located not too far from the ram, near the plains. I frown as I look back at the Border’s wall. It’s got a few dents, and even fewer holes, but I don’t think it should take anymore damage. Where the hell is-"

“Sir!” Segway says behind me. I turn to see him and a small group of ponies and hippogriffs in camouflage armor. “Requesting permission to start sabotaging the catapults, Sir!” He says.

“... First off, stop calling me sir,” I say. I pull up my crossbow and sigh. “Second off, don’t get killed, use your head, and no playing around.” All members of the group salute to me before quickly scurrying off to the Catapult’s direction. I watch them as they leave before taking a few more distant shots with my crossbow at the enemies. I hope Segway doesn’t fuck this up. I look back at Segway's group to see a Minotaur charging at them. I groan in annoyance and level my crossbow at his head. I takes shot, and the Minotaur's body stops. A new roar of pain sounds out as I look at him. Well, I hit him. In the eye, to be specific. He looks around wildly until his remaining eye lands on me. "Oh shit," I mutter as he gives a battle cry and starts charging. I level my crossbow again and shoot, but I only his his torso. Fuck. I shoot again, running out of ammo. I missed. Double fuck. I jump out of the way as the angry Minotaur rams past me and into the wall. Luckily he has his horns stuck. I quickly pull out my dagger and start jabbing him in the back. I feel panic as he starts to dislodge himself, but finally he goes limp after fifty stabs or so. I fall back on my ass as I try to calm down. I look at my hands to see there's a fuckin of blood. "S-shit," I say before spinning around and vommiting...

It's sunrise, the new leader of the Minotaurs grumbles to himself as he paces. They had set themselves up in a mountain range that's a little ways away from the Border of Manehatten. They're positioned right next to a wall of the dome their 'leader' had created. He sighs as he notices how long it's been. However, he smiles when he sees three badly injured comrades run up. "Did you succeed?" He asks. They all shook their heads. "Where are the rest of you?" He asks. All three of them look down in shame. "... Are you saying that our second wave of troops was defeated by-" he stops as a flash goes off behind him. He silently groans and turns to face Cozy Glow. He refrain from glaring at her as she walks up.

"So, how many civilians dead?" She asks. "Thousands? Tens of thousands!? MILLIONS!?!?" She yells, getting excited. The Minotaur is absolutely disgusted with her enthusiasm, which brings him a bit of pleasure when he answers.

"Zero." Cozy Glow's smile twitches.

"Z-zero?" She asks.

"Yes, zero. We haven't been able to break through the Equestrian Border. They have more magic on their side," he stops to chuckle. "Hell, we're surprised they even have air superiority."

"You realize what this means, right!?" Cozy yells. "If you're not successful, then I'm not happy. And if I'm not happy, your King won't be breathing!" To this, the Minotaur frowns. "So please, get yourself together and destroy Manehatten!" She yells...

I groan as I fall into my cot, grunting from the rough landing. I still have blood all over my arms, but I'm too tired to clean it off. The second wave of enemies took all morning, and we took some casualties. This time, two hundred of our own died, most of which were mafia members. I think a little more than half of them were mafia members. It hit Lighter pretty hard from what I've heard. Spearhead continues telling me about our damage report as he stands in front of my desk.

"... And the wall has been partially damaged at the front, with three big holes and fourty or so chunks taken off."

"Greeeaat," I weakly mutter.

"... I hear you took down a Minotaur," he mentions. I sigh and nod. I look over at him to see that he's got many cuts and bruises, even more than before. "Well, Segway had a worse time," he chuckles. "Did you hear what that idiot did?"

"No, what?" I ask.

"While he was disabling the catapults, he was accidentally launched from one," he says, smiling through his pain. I chuckle. "He managed to take down a dragon while he was in the air, caught it with his sword."

"Damn."

"Reports say he actually went over the wall, landing somewhere in Manehatten, with the dragon."

"Has he come back?" I ask.

"No, but he's has a search party coming for him," Spearhead says. I barely nod and sigh in relief.

"How are the healing unicorns doing?" I ask.

"Well, despite how exhausted they are, they're healing a good bit of our troops. I hear they've almost healed half of the injured."

"Which is?"

"Half of our force is healed," he says.

"Fuck, how many waves do you think we'll survive?" I ask.

"Do you want the nice answer or the honest answer?"

"I don't know Shitlock, what do you think?"

"Maybe one or two more waves," Spearhead bluntly says.

"... Well, that's more than I originally thought," I mutter.

"... Anon, did you get healed yet?" Spearhead asks.

"I'll get healed when everyone else is done," I groan. "Besides, it's not like I did much to begin with."

"Don't do that," Spearhead says. "Manehatten would be done for if you didn't convince us to join you."

"The way I see it, I don't even know why I bothered," I say. "We could've just declared an mandatory evacuation."

"That would have taken too long. Besides, it would have to go through the higher ups first before being able to be done." Suddenly, I hear a loud, ear-splitting voice.

"Attention Equestrian forces!" A female voice calls. "I am about to give you one last chance to pull back. This time-" The voice stops to laugh in an insane manner. "This time, I have overwhelming numbers! If you don't surrender, I will make sure that every single one of you will be brain washed into killing your own families and friends!"

"What the fuck?" I ask. I head over to the mic. "Excuse me Bitch, but how about you Mcfuckin' not!"

"Who dares to call me a-"

"I am Anonymous the human, current temporary leader of the Equestrian forces protecting Manehatten, and I request that you shut your ugly ass up!"

"... Anonymous, you say?" The voice stop to give a maniacal laugh. "How about this, you come out to face me, and we can... Talk."

"Talk? Kinda late for that, isn't it?"

"If you come out to talk, I'll allow Manehatten to go untouched. It's you I'm interested in." I look over at Spearhead, who's shaking his head.

"Don't do it, I don't know who she is, but don't do it," he warns. I look away, mulling it over in my head.

"Tick tock human, tick tock!"

"... Fine!" I reply. I can see Spearhead's ears go down.

"Splendid! Come out Anon, and we'll have a nice, friendly, chat."

"This is a trap," Spearhead says.

"... I know. But, if she just wants me, it's worth it. Besides," I stop to turn to him with a weary smirk. "I wasn't much help anyway." With that, I walk out. However, as I walk out, I see a crowd of soldiers, Minotaurs, and mafia members. I stop as I see their look of shock. "... What?" I ask. One by one, they all give their own show of respect, whether it be saluting, kneeling, or putting an appendage over their heart. I don't react to this, I only shake my head. "Don't waste your respect on me, get your asses to your posts." Everyone disperses and continue to their posts. I continue my slow walk.

I walk outside, and see the enemy army. It's obviously going to easily overwhelm ours if they attack. Leading the charge, is a cloaked mare. I can see Pink fur from her hooves. "Anonymous, long time no see!" She says excitedly. Something about her is off. I squint my eyes.

"I don't recognize anyone that's shaped like an ass," I remark. She chuckles.

"Oh, you still have your wit?" She asks. She pulls her hood off to reveal her head. My eyes widen a little as I see an older Cozy Glow. "What's wrong? Pony got your tongue?" She asks.

"How the fuck-"

"Time travel and unicorn horns turn out to be a great combination for the start of revenge!" She says, opening her cloak to reveal three severed unicorn horns. I back away a little, kinda freaked out. "And now, I have you! All to myself for my endless amusement!" She stops to laugh maniacally. After a minute of insane laughter, she looks over at the Minotaurs behind her. "Kill them all!" She says. Before anyone can react, a flash of light blinds me.

"God fuckin'-" I curse as I rub my eyes. However, suddenly, as my vision clears, a force of magic grabs me by my throat and slams me down.

"Silence! I've been waiting for twenty years for this!" She yells, bring me up. From what I can see, we're on a cliff overlooking the Border. I can see the two armies facing off with each other. The grey clouds are just barely above us. "I want to see your face when everything you undoubtedly love goes up in smoke, right before your eyes!" I hear her cackle viciously as I stare in horror. I can feel the seconds crawl by as we watch the scene unfold. My heart’s racing, my blood’s pumping, and my adrenaline is the only thing keeping me from passing out. And yet, I can’t do anything but watch as everything goes to hell...

Well, that’s what I assumed would happen. However, as time passes, I quirk an eyebrow as I see that no one has moved at all. "... What's going on?" I hear Cozy ask. I drop from the air and land on the ground roughly, making me cough in pain. "Why aren't they fighting?" After a moment of waiting, Cozy growls. Suddenly, we teleport again. I feel disoriented as I actually fall to the ground again. "What's the hold up!?"

"... We refuse," I hear the leading Minotaur growl.

"Excuse me!?"

"We refuse!" He yells. I finally look up to see that everyone is angry. Everyone cheers with him. "This is dishonor of the highest degree! Even if we save our king, we would never be worthy to even look at him!"

"How about this, if you don't fight, I'll mind control you to fight! Am I clear!?" Cozy yells. Before they could answer, Cozy teleports us back to our previous position. I am, again, held in the air. I cough as I start laughing a little. Cozy shoots me a glare. "What are you laughing at!?" She yells.

"You seriously think they'll fight," I say. Suddenly, a loud roar of war cries sounds out. We both look over to see the battles starting.

"Ha ha! See!? Now watch as-" Cozy suddenly stops. "... Wait a minute... They're not fighting each other?" I try to look a bit closer. I think the former enemy minotaurs are fighting the dragons. No wait, everyone's fighting the dragons. It's an obviously one sided fight, but it's still happening.

"The dragons wouldn't care about civilians," I explain. "Minotaurs, on the other hand, see it as a shameful act. Especially if the enemy willingly surrenders."

"B-but their king-"

"Their king would be ashamed if they did that. They are fiercely loyal to their king," I say. After a few minutes of silence, the battle is already over. There isn't a single dragon on the ground or in the sky. Most of them fled, but the rest are dead. I chuckle. "Well then, guess you lost." Cozy is gritting her teeth in absolute anger.

"No! No! NO!!!" She rages. Suddenly, we teleport again. Now, we're in an open space, in the middle of the entire army. I'm now being held by my neck by a magical force. "What did I-" her speech is interrupted by a spear. It flies through the air, catches Cozy's necklace, and rips it off. The moment the necklace comes off, I drop to the floor. "W-what just-"

"Holy shit I did it!" Segway's voice yells. Everyone looks over to see the guard in question, who's limping and trying to keep himself steady. I struggle to prop myself up.

"Ow," I mutter.

"N-no... No! No, no, no, no!" Cozy yells. I feel her take my dagger from it's sheath. I quickly roll to the side to see her stab the ground I was just on. She lunges at me, knife raised. I quickly roll again, dodging her second attempt. I quickly get up and fucking jump kick her in the face. Of course, this makes me groan in pain as we both fall down. However, Cozy loses her grip on the knife. As I lie on the ground, I shove the thoughts of pain to the back of my head as I lunge to the knife by scrambling. I quickly grab it, just in time to snatch it away from Cozy's reach. She growls, gets up, and jumps at me. I roll to my back as she starts punching me with her hoof. She manages to knock away the knife, but now she’s not paying attention to it. “It's not fair, it's not fair!" She yells. Using the last bit of my strength, I suffer some punches as I reach over and grab her by the throat. I squeeze as hard as I can as she continues to punch and stomp me. She progressively gets slower and slower as my strangulation cuts oxygen off from her brain, making her go unconscious. As she falls limp, I shove her off of me and breathe out. I can see the dome in the sky, dissipating bit by bit as I slip into unconsciousness as well. I give a laugh as I stare at the sky, on my back, with the last bit of adrenaline wearing off.

"Fuck you bitch," I say softly.

Author's Note

Ta da! Second arc done! Now for the final arc!

Chapter 27: Fuckin’ Greeeaaat

It’s been more than a whole month since the attack on Manehatten ended. We counted up the casualty rate of both sides. Equestrian forces took down over two to three thousand Minotaurs and dragons. Meanwhile, they took down three to four hundred out of eleven hundred Equestrian forces. Although we’re still faced with a big number of deaths, we consider it a big win. The Checkpoint’s fucking closed again, since it retained some damage. Manehatten itself was barely touched, with the exception of Segway breaking through some window when he was catapulted into the city. The civilian shelters let the people go, and they were all excited to try to quickly return to a normal life. Whisk looked for me, and found me at a hospital, where I would take two weeks to recover. She fussed at me for five minutes before crying for ten. I felt bad for leaving her in the dark, but in the end, it worked out. Apparently, while Spearhead was talking to his wife when he got back, it was revealed to him that his wife is pregnant with his kid. He was excited, to say the least. Meanwhile, Segway continued dating that red chick, who’s name I can’t remember. To say she was worried would be an understatement. Lighter... Lighter had it rough. It turns out, his buddy Brick died at some point in the second wave. He was devastated. On the plus side, the mafia was recognized for their part in the defense, despite the irks of the Equestrian generals. Speaking of which, I was told I'll be personally rewarded by them sometime around the end of November for defending Manehatten from the Minotaur army. The Minotaur King was found in a cave in a mountain not too far from the Border. The war ended in the middle of October, when the remaining seperatist dragons were defeated. Some people started calling the Checkpoint 'The Stone Shield of Manehatten', and in turn, the soldiers and mafia members who defended were called 'Knights of Manehatten'. Rather catchy.

Anyway, people are calling this war a couple of different names. Some call it the Great War, some call it The Empirical War, and some even call it Cozy's War. Cozy Glow... Cozy Glow’s fate is actually unknown to me. She was captured by the Equestrians, that much was for certain. However, her punishment wasn't revealed to anyone yet. However, I don't want to dwell on that. Because right now, I'm getting ready for work.

It's November second, a whole month after the attempted invasion failed on October third. It's a Wednesday, and I'm tired as fuck as I trudge to the Manehatten Checkpoint for a normal day. The Border was closed for a while, but it finally reopened recently. I smile in amusement as I think of how this might not be a normal day, since those don't fucking exist anymore. However, when I come to the Border, I find a strange sight. I sigh as I see, yet again, lines upon lines of soldiers lined up on the path to my office. They all salute to me, row by row.

"Attention!" A familiar guard yells. I look over to see that he is, in fact, Spearhead, holding a ribbon with something attached to it. "Sir! It's my greatest honor to-"

"Let me stop you right there," I say, making him pause. "First off, I didn't do shit. I just said some curse words and got everyone pumped. I didn't organize an army, Spearhead. You did."

"... Anon, I don't give a buck what you say, you're getting the damn medal," he says, laughing at the end. Everyone follows suite, chuckling.

"What about you?" I ask. Spearhead chuckles, smiling widely.

"Oh, I finally got my promotion!" He yells in excitement. Everyone Snickers at his excitement before he calms down. "I'm promoted to head of security, which is a big deal for me!" He says.

"Good for you Spearhead!" I say. I start to casually walk away, but Spearhead stops me from escaping.

"Yep, and now you're getting your Equestrian medal of Honor whether you like it or not!"

"W-wait, medal of Honor?" I ask as Spearhead pins it on my jacket.

"Yep! Congrats!" With that, he walks off before I could protest. Everyone salutes me again before going off to do what they are needed to do. I sputter as I look around before sighing. I simply continue to my office building. When I walk in, I see Clipper happily filing stuff away while whistling a tune.

"Yo, Clipper," I call, walking up. She looks around to see me and smiles.

"Morning sir! I hope you're feeling well!" She says. She looks down to see my medal on my jacket. "Oh wow! Is that a medal?" I sigh.

"Yep. Got a medal for talking. Aren't I great?" I sarcastically ask.

"Sir, you did so much more than that," Clipper says. Before I can argue, she gasps as she looks at the clock. "Oh no! You're almost late!" She says with panic. I look at the clock and feel my eyes go wide. I have two minutes to get to my post.

"Shit!" I yell, scrambling out. I rush to my other office and hurriedly open the door. I jump into my seat and notice something new on my desk. A letter. I pick it up and scan over it with my eyes.

Anonymous,
It's my deepest pleasure to request your presence in Canterlot for a very important meeting regarding the attack. Please attend it on Saturday, a substitute is already called in ahead of time.
Celestia.

I quirk an eyebrow. Weird. I crumple up the letter and stuff it in my pocket. I lean towards the mic as I start the day. "Next!" I call.

The first entrant is a familiar changeling queen. "Anon, it's good to see you," she says with a chuckle.

"What's up creepy as fuck?" I ask. Queen Chrysalis sighs in relief.

"I've been waiting to finally meet someone with a backbone," she says. "Did you know that the last time I came here, there was this boring pony? He was so uptight that it wasn't even funny."

"... Oh, you're talking about when I was fired," I finally say.

"Oh, you were fired?" Chrysalis asks. "And how did that go?"

"Pretty poorly for them," I answer as she hands me her papers.

"Oh well. So, I heard that this city was almost invaded, care to share some details?" She asks.

"I got some troops together, gave a pep talk, we killed a bunch of shit, some crazy fuck revealed herself, time travel, a dome sealed us in, and it was fucking wild." Chrysalis laughs.

"I see, the very magic that stopped my army from invading Canterlot was used against you. How fitting," she chuckles.

"You make that sound sinister as hell," I say.

"Good, I wanted to see if you're still as sharp as ever."

"I'm sharper than your cheese legs, don't try me," I say. I stamp her paper and wave bye. "Now, go off and continue your weird ass life." Chrysalis laughs.

"You know, if you didn't have a lady friend, I might have taken you for myself," she purrs, strutting out. I shiver at the thought of that.

"I prefer my lover to be warm blooded," I mutter. I lean in to the mic. "Next!" I look back over and yelp as I see Discord standing in front of the window.

"Why hello human!" Discord says excitedly. "Isn't it fun to be part of the action for once?"

"Jesus Christ, you scared me," I say. Discord laughs and drops to the ground, out of sight. I start to look over the window sill when Discord's goat face fills my vision from above.

"Oh, hush now, it's only fun, nothing more!"

"Okay, hey, by the way, where the fuck were you?" I ask. Discord poofs out of my sight and reappears in front of the window by melting through the ceiling.

"Why, did you miss me?" He asks, fluttering his eyes as he solidifies.

"No, it's just that I thought you would care about the fate of Manehatten, or its civilians." Discord gives a mocking gasp.

"Me? Not caring?" He stops to snap, and with a flash, transforms his face into the shape of Keanu Reeves' face. "I am the pique of life-caring individuals!" I frown at him. After a moment, he sighs and a computer mouse cursor appears above his head. A dotted line goes around his face before an 'x' appears on the top right. The mouse goes to it and squeaks as it clicks. Just like that, his face is back to normal. "You're no fun sometimes," he pouts.

"Bitch, hundred of soldiers died, I'm not in a funny mood about it."

"Anon, you must understand, I am an upholder of chaos," Discord explains. He waves his arm and a painting of Twilight and her friends appear. "The creatures of this world are too harmony-based to survive and evolve in this world. The ponies especially." He stops and twirls a talon over the painting, making it change to a picture of Cozy Glow. "You and I know that evil will exist regardless of your or mine's actions, and the balance of the world depends on people like her to keep it, whether they know it or not." Discord chuckles as he looks at me, casually snaps a portal to my world, and gestures to it. I can see a regular street corner, full of people waiting on a light to walk across the street. I simply look back at him with no amusement. "Your world doesn't need things like me or Cozy, you naturally evolve into such forces or entities based on your naturally chaotic surrounding and influences!" He snaps it close and smiles as he leans towards me. "If I stopped her, something much worse would have transpired than a simple city being destroyed!" He leans on the window sill and takes out an ice cream cone. He starts filing his talons with it. "In my opinion, she was probably allowed to travel through time since this universe demanded it."

"... That just barely makes sense, but I think I understand," I say. Discord nods and sips the cone itself, as if it was liquid. He throws the ice cream ball into his mouth, which explodes in his stomach. I simply sigh. "Okay, different question, why are you here?" I ask.

"Oh, no reason, just wanted to make sure the cake had enough time to cook," he says, promptly snapping a portal into existence. He waves bye and steps right through, zipping it close. The zipper disappears with a pop, leaving me totally confused. Just as suddenly, the zipper appears again, and makes piano sounds as it unzips. Discord leans out. “Oh, sorry, I just wanted to ask, did you notice her new look? It’s rather odd, you know.” I squint my eyes at him.

“Who?”

“Cozy Glow of course! Don’t tell me, you truly didn’t notice?” He asks, grinning widely. “For someone who makes such a fuss about fine details, it’s surprising you didn’t notice it!”

“Notice what?” I ask.

“I won’t spoil the fun of guessing for you my boy, just take a close look at her whenever you get the chance! Ta-ta now, I think my cake being electrocuted.” With that, he disappears from my sight, leaving me even more confused...

I sigh as I drag a hand over my face. "Motherfucker, I swear I'm going to drop kick the shit out of you if you say another God damn word," I say as I try to continue looking over their passport. The entrant in front of me, a moose, frowns.

"But you cannot deny the facts! The world is flat since-"

"I never even asked for this fucking conversation!" I yell.

"But you did! You said-" he stops as I bend down, take my crossbow, and level it towards him.

"Tell me what I said motherfucker, I dare you," I say. “You’ve been holding up the line, you’ve interfered with everyone’s day, I fucking dare you to tell me what I just said.” The moose gulps.

"Y-you said to stop talking," he answers. I nod, putting the crossbow down. I look over his passport and stamp it green.

"Don't cause trouble," I say. He nods quickly and shuffles out the door even quicker. I sigh and slump in my chair. After a minute, I lean towards the mic. "Next!" As I sit back, I see Cadence walk in. She gasps as she sees me. She walks up.

"Anon! It's good to see you're looking healthy!"

"'Healthy' and 'Wanting to die' look very similar," I say irritably. Cadence giggles.

"You'll be fine," she says. She drops her smile as she looks at me while she hands me her papers. "Anon, I have a question."

"And I might not answer," I say.

"... I wanted to ask, did you hear about the rumors?"

"What rumors?"

"Auntie Celestia and Luna might retire," she says.

"... That's fucking stupid," I say. At Cadence's confusion, I elaborate. "Cadence, they're princesses, and they're immortal. They might not have time to relax, but this country is literally like a country full of children to them. They wouldn't leave it, they care for it too much. Besides, who could be able to take their place at this point?"

"Twilight could," Cadence says. I start to argue, but I stop.

"... Hm, I guess she could," I mutter. "However, the chances of them retiring are still fairly low, and the chances of Twilight being ready for such a feat is slightly lower.”

“How is it slightly lower?”

“Kinda hard to go below one percent.”

"But still plausible?" Cadence asks. I sigh irritably and rub my face.

"Well, if Twilight’s in line for the throne, then yes. It's definitely plausible," I say. I finally finish looking over her passport and stamp it. I give it back to her and she leaves, looking down in thought. I lean towards the mic. "Next!"

I sigh as I go home. I take out my cigarette and puff out some smoke as I come up to my house. Next to the front door sits an ashtray. I had set it up a while back. I quickly put out the cig, dump some ash into the tray, and head inside. Whisk sits on the couch, watching television with a Burger Queen bag. She's eating a burger. She looks over at me and smiles. "Hi Anon, how was the first day back?" She asks. I smile, chuckling a little as I put my coat up.

"Oh, not too crazy," I answer. "I'm starving, did you get something for me?" Whisk giggles and holds up the bag.

"Would I be a good girlfriend if I didn't?" She asks.

"No, you'd be Whisk," I joke. She rolls her eyes.

"I mean, if you really don't want it-"

"Okay, I'm sorry," I say, laughing as I sit down beside her. I take out my burger and unwrap it. I start eating as I watch television with Whisk.

I'm glad to have one normal-ish day, after being constantly stressed from war news, war reports, military changes, fighting and whatnot...

It's Saturday, and I'm at Canterlot. To say I'm indifferent would be right on the dot. "Anon," Celestia starts as we walk down the hall. "You cannot tell me that in the past twelve years you've lived in Equestria, that you have never stopped to get formal pants or shirts." The reason for her distraught, is that I am wearing khakis. Not any old khakis, pink khakis.

“I mean, we’re meeting some pretty noble people who sent away the guards and practically forced me to defend a city,” I say. “I’m putting my best foot forward.”

“Anon, your ‘best foot’ is wearing socks with sandals,” Celestia says. I frown as she disses my style. With my pink khakis, I wear grey socks with brown sandals, a grey v-neck shirt, and a bright yellow Hawaiian shirt over it like a jacket. To say I look like a walking eyesore would be an understatement. “Are you trying to make a fool of yourself?”

“Yes. Because then, it will occur to everyone that someone like me did a better job at defending a city than tweedle-fuck and tweedle-fucker.” I take out a pair of regular sunglasses and put them on. “Now, I’m gonna be honest with you, I don’t give a fuck about them, I should be at work, where I’m useful. So, thus, I’m not going to give them any respect when they’re not even willing to-“

“Anon, this isn’t about the generals that made that decision. We’re going to talk about some things that are big and we need your approval on some of it,” Celestia says. I lower my shades to give her a quirking eyebrow.

"Like what?"

"You'll see," Celestia says mysteriously. I roll my eyes and continue to follow her.

We walk up to a set of doors, and she opens them and gestures for me to walk inside. As I do so, I immediately notice that it's a little dark. I also notice a plane of glass, which shows a separate room, where the very thing that attacked Manehatten sits. "... Celestia," I start. "Why is she here?"

"We are trying to decide what to do with her," she says, walking up. "Cozy Glow's sentence is hard to make. We can't decide if we should... Eliminate her... Or give her a life sentence in Tartarus again."

"Celestia, she's clearly too dangerous to be sent back to Tartarus," I say.

"Well, the general public isn't wanting her dead, and if such a decision reached their ears, they would be in an uproar."

"Who cares, you don't have to tell them about it," I say. "It's like how my country works, it's a felony to lie to the government, but if they lie to us, it's just politics."

"That's... that's disturbing," Celestia says.

"Hey, you don't tell civilians about your special forces, why bother telling them the death of a monster?" I ask.

"... Actually, I have a better idea," Celestia says.

Cozy Glow sits silently in a room, magically stuck to her spot. She is a ball of rage on the inside, trying to see how her plan failed so spectacularly. She runs it through her head. They should have been scared, terrified! She should have had the most leverage! She growls to herself as she tries to comprehend her failure for the hundredth time. However, she stops as she sees me walk inside with Celestia in tow, smiling. "Greetings Cozy Glow, I see you're still here," Celestia says.

"Look, we know how this will go," Cozy says. She smiles in confidence. "You ponies are too weak to send me to death, so you're just going to send me to Tartarus. Isn't that right?" I give a sarcastically loud laugh.

"Actually Bitchface, that's not gonna happen," I say, smiling maliciously. Her smile drops. "You're gonna be turned to stone, and your mental state will be kept active and conscious.” Cozy's eyes go wide.

"B-but you can't!" She yells. Cozy’s going to be a thinking statue, conscious of everything going on around her, for the rest of time. A stoning is a rare sentence, a sentence very few, like Discord, have ever been subjected to. It's certainly not a nice treatment.

"You're too dangerous to be alive. Not only are you a megalomaniac, you're nothing but a whiny, sadistic, lunatic of a child," I say. I cross my arms as Cozy Glow growls, remembering these same words I've said before in her past. Celestia gives a satisfied smile.

"Your sentence is coming up tomorrow. I hope you enjoyed your stay.” With that, she walks out. Before I can follow her, I hear Cozy laugh.

"Do you believe you can hold me?" She asks. She starts laughing maniacally. "I'll still be alive you fools! I'll escape! I know I will! And you will rue the day you-"

"Shut the fuck up before I knock your silly ass out," I say. Cozy shakes her head, laughing a little more.

"I've seen your future ape, and I will be there. I guarantee you, I will be there, and I will terrorize everyone in your bloodline, to the end of time!” I start to retort, but she keeps going. “You won’t get away with foiling me again, I’ll have your soul one day, mark my words!”

"... Yeah, whatever," I say, walking out. Bloodline? That's not possible, and that's not even mentioning the 'end of time' bit. Even if she's from the future, she might just be trying to get under my skin. At this moment in time, I can only cautiously take it with a grain of salt. I stop as I remember Discord’s words. I back up and look at the angry Cozy Glow, and quirk an eyebrow. I don’t know what, but something’s missing, other than her sanity. A regular earth pony build, pink coat, blue mane, red eyes... wait. "Where are your wings?" I ask.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Cozy mocks with a cocky smile. I roll my eyes and start to walk away, when I hear her suddenly laugh. "Oh, speaking of wings, did you know your little griffon will lose hers?" I stop. "Apparently an admirer of mine is going to hear my cries for help! And wouldn't you know it, he's such a romantic." I start to clench my fist. "He found out which little birdie is your wife. Truth be told, not impressive." I grit my teeth and try to just walk away again. I can hear her as I finally start walking away again. "Apparently, her last words were for you to help her, but he wasn't sure since her final cries were cut off by her screaming." She stops to laugh. "He just knew that it's only fair since I lost mine!" I freeze as I immediately put two and two together. I slowly turn to Cozy, and I think I hear Celestia's voice coming from somewhere. However, my focus is solely on Cozy.

"... Tell you what," I start, walking back to her. "I'm sick and tired of your bullshit and your games. Why are you doing any of this to begin with?" I ask. Cozy's insane smile drops, and I can see a faint glimmer of some sanity that isn't corrupted. "What made all of your threats, deaths, and misery worth it? Do you actually have some fucking semblance of an idea of your God damn end goal!?" I yell. Cozy doesn't seem to be paying attention to me anymore, only to some scene playing in her head. "Come on!" I yell. "Answer me!" Cozy merely keeps staring into the distance, seemingly unaffected by the volume of my voice. I slowly realize that I'm breathing heavily, with a fist pulled back in preparation to punch her. I slowly lowered it and cross my arms again. Cozy blinks out of her stupor after a few minutes and looks around.

"I-I... I don't- I-" I can see her eyes turning to pinpricks. She keeps shifting around, starting to hyperventilate as she keeps stumbling over her words. "I- I can't- Wait-" I slowly grow more and more confused as Cozy doesn't seem to be able to even form a complete sentence. Finally, she suddenly stops talking and looks up at me with realization. She slowly looks around, and I can see tears welling up in her eyes. She opens her mouth to say something, but she stops. The tears trail down her face. She closes her mouth and looks down.

"... If you ever come out of the stone," I start. I lean down. "And if you ever think of hurting anyone, you better hope to hell that I don't find you." With that, I reluctantly turn away. She's not worth my time. Besides, Discord said that being trapped in one's mind for some time is absolute torture if it's long enough...

November 26th, 20XXI

Whisk and I are grocery shopping at the local Walcart. We’re in an aisle for bread. “Are you sure you don’t want honey-buttered?” Whisk asks. “It might be good.”

“Is it the best thing since sliced bread?” I ask sarcastically.

“Anon... it is sliced bread,” Whisk deadpans.

“That’s the point,” I say. “It’s sliced bread, who the hell cares about what flavor the bread is?”

“Well, what if you don’t want bland toast?” Whisk asks. The question elicits a chuckle from me.

“Whisk, I won’t be awake enough to care.”

“... You might though,” Whisk says. I roll my eyes at her antics.

“... Alright, fine, you can get the bread,” I say. She quietly squeals to herself and takes it off the shelf. The cart I was pushing around gains the pack of bread as Whisk walks on. I follow close behind.

“There’s this one recipe I want to try with it! I’m sure you’ll love it!” She says. I smile a little at how excited she's being over bread. I drop my smile as I faintly hear clattering armor.

"Is there one Anonymous the Human here?" A loud voice asks. Whisk and I walk out of the aisle to see two Royal Guard ponies at the entrance of the store, past five different cashiers' lines. The Guards have some medals and ribbons on the front of their armor, signifying how high a rank they are. Their outburst seemed to have startled the various creatures around them, like a pony cashier that seems to have accidentally dropped a customer's carton of eggs. Everyone gives the Guards a passing glare as they go back to what they were doing. However, the Guards don't give a shit since they spot me and start walking up. Judging from the medals I had noticed, I'd say they're around the same rank as Shining Armor. "Are you Anonymous the Human?" One asks. I notice a slight grizzled tone from his voice.

"I don't know, do you see any other humans around?" I ask.

"Do not give me that tone of voice," the other Guard says.

"Bitch, please," I reply. I can see Whisk sigh and just continue shopping by taking the buggy from me. "Oh, hey, sweetie, don't forget the bacon!" I call. She gives me a thumbs up and continues. I look back at the Guards.

"That is no way to address-"

"Look asshole, I've lived here for about two fucking years. How the fuck are you surprised by my attitude?" I ask. "I mean, you're part of the Guard, you should know my name well enough to know that I do this shit on a daily basis."

"... I hereby put you under arrest for interrupting military operations in a time of crisis," one of them says. I simply quirk an eyebrow.

"Oh really? Which one?" I ask.

"All Royal Guards were to abandon their original post at Manehatten, and meet the oncoming forces that-"

"Hold up, hold up," I say. "That's the operation? That stupid ass decision?" The armored ponies grit their teeth. "It's because of me, this city is still standing."

"Your actions are considered treason to the highest degree against Equestria!" He yells.

"Oh yes, because defending your civilians is obviously supposed to be an afterthought," I deadpan. This makes them pissed.

"How dare you! You are now-"

"Hey, buddy, look at me," I say. He glares at me as I slowly lift up a hand and shoot him the bird. "I don't give a fuuuuck," I whisper yell.

"That's it! You're coming with me!" The other pony yells.

"Uh huh, by the way, you should take a look around," I say. The Guards look around with an angry expression, which melts into realization as they see that everyone, pony and non-pony, is glaring at them. The first Guard clears his throat.

"Nothing to see folks, please move along," he says. A pony walks up and gets in front of me. He faces the Guards.

"So, what'd you say you'd do?" He asks.

"Please move along, you're obstructing the course of Justice," the Guard says. A Minotaur casually walks up and stands next to the pony, crossing his arms.

"I'm sorry, I don't think any of us heard you correctly," he says. The Guards growl and take out their swords.

"Move or we will have to-"

"Alright, let's go," I say, catching everyone's attention. I walk out from the defensive line in front of me and stretch. "You're arresting me, right? Let's go then." Everyone's jaw drops, but the guard recover quickly. They both smile.

"Good to see you still know your place," one says.

"No, I just think it's pathetic that you're that desperate to arrest me," I say. This does not sit well with them. They both go back to glaring and walk over. They point their swords at me and gesture for me to walk. I comply and simply walk. They nudge me out the door, where we turn to go down the street. Looks like I’ll be late for dinner...

It’s the next day, and I’m sitting in a cell. It’s cold, wet, and dark. “... Mother fucker, I know you have the heater, please turn that bitch on,” I say to the police ponies in the cell playing Uno with me.

“Wait, I do?” The pony in question asks. I nod towards the heater that’s under a desk I can see in front of the cell. “Oh crap I do, hold on.” He gets up, opens the door, walks to the desk, and turns it on. He comes back and sits down, smiling sheepishly as everyone glares. “Sorry Mr Anon, I’m so exhausted that I almost forgot about it.”

“Yeah, I don’t blame you, it sucks when the plumbing fucks up for no reason,” I say, gesturing to the sink that clogged up this morning, overfilling without me realizing it. Thanks to it, water splashed all over the floor when we all tried to fix it. “Speaking of shit that does stuff for no reason, why was there a window built facing a fucking wall?” I ask, pointing at said barred-window with a thumb. Everyone around the table shrugs.

“I dunno, why aren’t you playing a card?” One of the ponies asks. I simply sigh and start drawing cards to the ponies’ glee. “See, told you he doesn’t have any reds.”

“Oh go fuck yourself,” I mutter, causing them all to laugh. After about three cards, I stop to take a sip of freshly made coffee, with a bit of sweetener and cream. After I put my mug down, I take up another card. I smirk. “Ha!” I yell, slamming down a wild plus four card. “Suck on this! Blue!” I say excitedly. Yesterday, the guards took me here. Whisk came by when I didn’t come back, and got royally pissed when I told her what happened. However, the police remember what I did during the attempted invasion of Manehatten. To say they were welcoming would be an understatement. They acted like they would put me in the slammer for the Guards, but they dropped the act when they left. They gave me a fresh cot, fluffy blankets, a can of soda, and even let me smoke. They couldn’t let me out of the building since I technically need to go to trial, but they let me wander around for a good while. Hell, even the other criminals here gave me some respect. I got a couple convicts thanking me for not ditching the city.

“Damn, I was so close,” the police pony next to me says, drawing four as the one next to him looks over his cards. Segway and Spearhead came by a little while ago today, about two hours ago. They explained to me that the two Guards that brought me in here were the general’s subordinates, but they were specifically instructed to not mess with me by the generals themselves. Apparently, the underlings were over-zealous asshats, not the big guys in charge, which is new to me. Normally the higher ups would be the egotistical assholes, but apparently that’s not the case this time.

“You might have been close, but-“ The next pony practically throws down a wild card. “I’m closer, make it green!” I snicker.

“You didn’t say Uno,” I point out. He frowns as realization forms on his face. He looks at his card for a moment before sighing.

“Dammit...” He mutters. He draws two card from the deck and the next guy puts down a green plus two.

“Parry this you fucking casuals,” I say, putting down a blue plus two.

“Stop giving me cards,” the next guy says as he draws two more cards, putting them on top of the four he already drew.

“Here, I got you,” the next guy says, putting down a blue reverse card.

“I didn’t want that!” The police pony says, making us all laugh at his emotional torture. Suddenly, I get a letter, which poofs into existence in front of me. I take it and read it.

Dear Anonymous the Human,
It is with deepest apologies that I announce that the Griffonstone trip has been delayed due to circumstances regarding the holidays.
King Windfall.

I stare at the letter for a moment before shrugging and crumpling it up. I guess they have some troubles to deal with at the moment, but now, back to the game...

Author's Note

To those who doubt that one round of Uno can last three hours, Linkvsgaming and I once had a single round of Uno that lasted seven hours. I don’t think we even finished that match because it was almost midnight when we stopped.

Also, this chapter took a lot longer to write than I actually wanted it to. I wanted to release it a little after Thanksgiving, but work decided to be a pain in the ass. I’ll probably have another chapter coming up soon. Hope ya’ll have a good night!

Chapter 28: Fucking Bootleg Christmas and Shit (Finale)

It’s the next day, and I’m at my ‘trial’. It’s almost six in the morning. The courtroom looks exactly like the courtroom in Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney. The judge is rubbing some sleep off his eyes. To the right of the judge, sits the prosecution. The prosecutor sits next to the two guards that arrested me two days ago. Across the room, I sit with my public attorney. Yeah, I could easily afford an attorney, but everyone knows I’m innocent, especially with the evidence I’ve given to my lawyer. I can see a couple familiar faces in the background. Whisk, Spearhead, and Segway are all sitting in the chairs, with the rest of the creatures that are here to watch what happens. I can also see a very well dressed Guard, having golden armor with many different engravings. He seems to be giving the prosecuting guards a stern glare. A glare that seems to make the guards flinch. Especially since he looks angry. However, right now, I’m giving masterful banter to convince the guards to call off the trial.

“You ain’t gon’ do shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!” I call loudly. As I said, masterfully constructed words will surely convince them to abort. “You, ain’t, gon’ do shit, you ain’t gonna do it~,” I start chanting/singing. This apparently does not work, only serving to make the prosecution angry. However, they don’t say anything, settling for glaring at me.

“Order, order,” the judge calls. He smacks his lips before taking a deep sigh as he reorganizes his desk. “Right, uh, court’s in session... I believe this is Corporals Snapper and Ticker against one individual known as Anonymous the Human. Prosecution, do you swear to tell the truth?”

“Yes, your honor,” the prosecutor says.

“The question now goes to the Defense.”

“Yes, your honor,” my attorney says.

“Very well, let us start the trial. Will the prosecution please come to the stand to declare what the defendant is being accused of?” The prosecutor gets up and swiftly walks up to the stand beside the judge. As he talks, my attorney leans over to me.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be fine,” he mutters with a wink. I give a half assed thumbs up.

“... and thus, wish to charge Anonymous the Human on grounds for treason of the highest degree.” The prosecutor does not look comfortable, as if he understands the position he’s in. I pity him.

“Do you have any evidence to back up such an accusation?” The judge asks. Before the trial could go on, the court room’s doors fly open, and Celestia walks in. She looks tired and annoyed.

“Excuse me, but might I go ahead and end this pointless trial?” She asks, walking over to sit with me. The judge nods and picks up a mug of coffee from under his stand. The Guards look very confused, but the fancy guard seated in the audience stands up.

“Princess, if I may, I would like to formally apologize for-“

“General, I already saw your letter, it’s the reason I’m here,” Celestia says tiredly. “You’re fine.” Celestia directs her attention to the Guards again. “Corporals, I appreciate your loyalty to your commander, but both him and myself have specifically requested the both of you to abstain from interacting with Anonymous in this manner.”

“But he committed treason in a time of crisis!” One yells.

“And who are you to tell me that he committed treason on the grounds of a rather sensible argument,” Celestia says. “And that’s not to mention about how he earned the Medal of Honor that I had awarded him.” Celestia sighs. “Look around you, what do you see?” Before they could answer, Celestia quickly answers it for them. “Civilians. These are civilians who were saved thanks to Anonymous’ big mouth. Do you know how many soldiers had even thought to stay and protect them before Anon’s speech? None. Not a single one. Would you like to know why? Because most of them thought someone would take their place to defend Manehatten. So please, forget about your pride, you’ve already lost it.” Everyone stares at Celestia in silent shock. No one’s ever really seen her as disapproving of her own guards after all.

“... The fuck was that about me having a big mouth?” I ask. Everyone looks at me with horror while Celestia deadpans at me.

“Anon, shut up,” she says tiredly. She turns back to the surprised crowd and smiles. “By royal decree, Anonymous is innocent of any crimes he is accused of. Court is dismissed.”

“Yeah, what she said,” says the judge, hopping down from his chair. He takes a long sip as everyone awkwardly looks around. Whisk walks up to me, grabs my hand, and walks out with me in tow.

“What do you want to eat? McDonalds sound good?” She asks.

“If the ice cream machine’s working, sure. I could really use a milkshake,” I say. Celestia sighs and teleports out as everyone, including me and Whisk, shuffles out the courtroom door. As we walk into the street though, I feel a tug on my shirt. I look over, never stopping, to see the apparent General from earlier.

“Mister Anonymous, I would like to apologize on the behalf of-“

“Wait, are you one of the generals that made the decision about Manehatten?” I ask. He sighs, nodding. “Cool, don’t do that dumb shit again you balless sack of shit,” I say. He flinches as I berate him. “I mean, for fuck’s sake, what prompted you to make a dumbass move like that?”

“Like I was trying to say, I would like to formally apologize for the events that took place recently, it will not happen again.”

“I’d like to believe that,” I say, turning to continue follow Whisk. However, the General runs up and walks alongside us.

“Anonymous, please allow me to make it up to you,” he says. Whisk doesn’t acknowledge him, so I answer.

“Do I look like a politician?” I ask.

“Erm, no?”

“Then fuck off you thirsty thot,” I say, shooing him away.

“... Very well. Again, I apologize for what has transpired recently.” With that, he walks off. Whisk and I simply keep going to wherever the nearest McDonald’s is...

It’s December eighteenth, and I keep Whisk in my lap as I sit and watch television with her. It’s been a good while since the incident with the Guards. Bacon and his family came over to visit us during Thanksgiving. Whisk’s parents also came over. Her dad was certainly healthier than the last time I saw him. Last time, I could smell rotten pig carcasses off of him, but now he just smells like dead rats, which is better. I should know, I’ve smelled them when I lived in an alleyway for a week. Anyway, he’s been better about his gambling addiction. He tried to ask me for gambling money, but Whisk stepped in. She’s really good at convincing people to stop doing something when she’s angry. Funnily enough, her dad got onto me for my smoking habit. I merely told him to fuck off. Just like that, we got along even better than before.

Maple’s feathers are starting to get more vivid colors, but the color seems to stick with a lighter red than Bacon’s. It’s not pink, but it’s close. I managed to sneak some pocket money into the travel bag he started carrying. The bag is more like a messenger bag. Bacon says he has a good feeling about it.

Back to the present, Whisk and I merely sit in the living room as we watch television. We finished decorating the house for pony-bootleg-Christmas. There’s a row of Christmas lights lining the rooftop of the house, there’s a tree in the living room with candy canes and various ornaments, and I’m wearing a Santa hat. Why Santa hats exist in a world without a Santa, I don’t know. Anyway, Whisk and I are currently watching a movie called ‘Hearthwarming Vacation’. Yes. It’s just Christmas Vacation, but ponies and griffons. To say it’s still funny to see a redneck pony pouring radioactive sewage down a gutter to clean their shitter is a god damn understatement. “At least this world has the classics,” I say, chuckling.

“Oh? What do you mean? Did your people have a movie like this?” Whisk asks. I nod.

“Yep. Called it Christmas Vacation. The vacation where everything goes wrong. A classic,” I say. “I think they did a sort of reboot slash sequel to it, following the protagonist’s now grown up son with his own family, but I never managed to find it or watch it.”

“Aw, I’m sorry,” Whisk says. “... Oh! When did you see the first one then?” She asks excitedly. She occasionally gets excited about my world, interested in all their version of sci-fi stuff I had experienced. I grimace.

“Well, it was good when I first saw it, I just wish it was under better conditions at the time,” I say.

“What does that mean?” Whisk asks with a quirked eyebrow. I sigh.

“My ex,” I answer simply.

“O-oh, sorry,” Whisk says quietly, immediately trying to drop the subject.

“No, it’s okay. I had eleven years, I’m over it,” I say. Sometimes, Whisk would kind of remind me of my ex, in a good way. I don’t like thinking about it, but it’s not as much of a sore subject now. Especially compared to the time I was ran out of Ponyville. Which reminds me... “... Hey Whisk,” I start, getting her attention. “... I’m thinking about going to Ponyville.”

“Huh?” Whisk asks, turning to face me with a confused expression. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Ponyville. I’m gonna visit Ponyville,” I say nonchalantly.

“Hold up,” Whisk looks me over for second. “Didn’t you hate that town?”

“Well, yeah, but I’ve calmed down a bit about it,” I say, rubbing the back of my neck. “I uh, also kinda want to visit Applejack and Derpy. It’s been a while since I saw them, I figured it’d be nice to drop in and say hi for the holidays.”

“... Uh, alright. How long will it be until you get back?” Whisk asks.

“Mm... about a day. I won’t be staying for a night. I’ll leave tomorrow and come back around night time, I already phoned in a sub for my job.” I bring Whisk closer, like I was hugging a big teddy bear. “I just wanted to let you know.”

“So, wait,” Whisk says, hugging me back nonetheless. “You’re leaving tomorrow morning, how long did you plan for this trip? Do you even have anything to bring them? It’d be kinda awkward to pop in for a quick hello.” I chuckle.

“Yep. I’m gonna stop off at a couple place tomorrow morning before leaving for the train. I remember Applejack telling me about some bakery her sister saw in Manehatten when she stayed over at our place.” I laugh a little. “I was sitting around, I kinda realized I wasn’t really in the mood to go to work tomorrow, and I kinda missed AJ and Derpy. I didn’t really get a chance to talk to them much for the past few months, and it’s the holidays, so why the fuck not?” I ask. Whisk smiles warmly at me and sighs.

“Guess I won’t see you until you get back?” She asks.

“Actually, do you want to come as well? Ponyville’s a nice place when the residents aren’t bigoted assholes,” I say. Whisk starts to refuse, but stops. She looks up in thought for a moment before shrugging.

“Sure, why not? I was the only one coming into work tomorrow anyway, and no one really comes around during Hearthswarming. It might as well be closed for the day,” she says. She leans into me, laying her feathery head on my chest. “Screw it, why not?”

I grumble as Whisk is still laughing while we sit in the train heading for Ponyville. “The one fucking time they’re not open,” I mutter. The bakery I had hurriedly planned to visit was closed due to family emergency. Whisk just started laughing because she knew this would happen. However, when we got our train ticket, we barely had enough time to quickly scramble to get something for Applebloom and Dinky.

“It’s okay Anon,” Whisk says between laughs.

“I don’t see what’s so funny,” I grumble.

“The- the face you had was so-“ Whisk stops to laugh a little more. I merely look at her laughing figure for a little bit before cracking a small smile.

“Uh huh, yeah, keep laughing, I still remember when Luna went to your bar the first time,” I point out, making Whisk laugh a little harder.

“Oh Celestia, don’t remind me!” She says. It’s been a long while since I’ve seen her laugh. The war was kinda stressful for everyone, including her. The laughs she had during the war weren’t nearly as natural as it is now. I look down at the paper bag I got for carrying the foals’ treats, one is a watering can for Applebloom, and one is an adventure book for Dinky. Applejack told me that Applebloom’s taking a big interest in gardening, even having her own garden patch of flowers near their barn. Dinky’s been really busy studying lately, but Derpy can tell she still loves books. Apparently, Dinky’s almost as bad as Twilight. I chuckle at the thought of that. My smile lessens at the thought of Twilight. I’m not entirely sure about whether or not I want to talk to her. Our weekly chats kinda tampered off before the war. Nowadays, the last time I talked to her was a long while ago, I don’t even remember what we talked about. “... Anon, are you alright?” Whisk asks, breaking me from my train of thought. I look over to see her concerned face, which makes me sigh.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking,” I say.

“Attention passengers, this is your conductor speaking,” a voice over the comma says. “This stop is Ponyville, and we warn you to quickly hold on to something.” As Whisk and I look at the speakers above us in confusion, the train lurches like when someone floors the breaks in a car. Whisk and I almost fly out of our seats and land on the floor with a thud, along with various other passengers in the train.

“Fuck,” I groan in pain. I stretch as I get back up. “Nothing like a shit arrival to remind me of the wonderful times I had in this town.”

“Hey, don’t get too snappy Mister, you wanted to come here,” Whisk says.

“Well, yeah, but I still want to complain about this shit,” I say.

Whisk and I step off the platform of the wooden train station, and I take in the sights of this God-forsaken town. I can still just barely see the Everfree Forest over the horizon of snow-covered medieval houses. From what I can see in the distance, the top of Sugarcube Corner is candy-like, which means... it’s still a fucking gingerbread house. Oh, and I can see the crystal castle. To me, I don’t really like it for how out of place it looks. It’s like if Trump Tower was built at the head of a normal neighborhood in the countryside. Way to keep flexing on them Twilight. “Welp, if my sense of directions are correct-“ I am immediately interrupted by the sound of a familiar gasp. “Shit.”

“Anon!” Pinkie yells, seemingly teleporting onto my leg in a hugging fashion. I kinda chuckle and pat her head with a bit of hesitation. “Don’t worry, I don’t have the cannon!” She says without looking.

“Oh, okay. Hey Pinkie,” I casually greet. “... Can you get the hell off now?” Pinkie slides off cartoonishly and chuckles sheepishly as she stands up. I look at Whisk to see that she’s anything but amused.

“Rather touchy,” she notes dryly. I snicker before rolling my eyes.

“Anyway, do you know where Applebloom is?” I ask. I might as well get directions from her, she’s as reliable as the most complex GPS in the entire world.

“Nope!” And just like that, she’s the shittiest complex GPS in the world.

“What do you mean ‘nope?’” I ask. “Don’t you keep tabs on everybody?”

“What do I look like, Facebook?” Pinkie asks. My eyes go a little wide. I recompose myself and quirk an eyebrow.

“As funny as that is, how the fuck do you know about Facebook?” I ask.

“Don’t you remember? You told me about it when you were super duper angry at me for following you for a day!” Pinkie says, reaching into her mane to pull out a sketch book. She opens it and flips to a page with a picture of her happy, smiling face, leaning to the side to show my angry, yelling face in the background. I just deadpan at no one in particular as I remember that day. That was not a good day.

“Wow, you look pissed,” Whisk says, cracking a smile.

“Yeah, anyway, I guess we’ll try to head over to Sweet Apple Acres,” I say. Whisk nods, following me as I start walking down the dirt path towards the town.

“Alright, I’ll follow you.”

I calmly walk through the town, undisturbed by the nervous stares and hushed whispers. Yep, this is Ponyville. Whisk stays close to me as we walk, looking around at the anxious ponies in confusion. “Uh, Anon, didn’t you say this was a friendly town?” She asks.

“Yeah. They’re all nervous because they remember me,” I say. Whisk nods as realization hits her.

“Right, the uh, incident...” We continue our walk, passing by house after house, before we start nearing a marketplace. The marketplace is a bunch of stands and stalls, all tightly squeezed together while offering various merchandise, souvenirs, food, you name it. Ponyville might be ‘the sticks’, but it’s certainly famous due to the various escapades Twilight and her friends went through. Funnily enough, Ponyville is apparently the most accepting of different races, with me being a very heavy exception.

“Hey Mr Anon!” A familiar voice calls. I look up to see Derpy flying down, towards me. “Uh oh,” she says, quickly and accidentally ramming right into my chest, sending us into the ground.

“Ooooowwwww,” I groan out weakly.

“Oh no! I’m so sorry!” Derpy says. Whisk snickers and helps Derpy off of me.

“Honey, I’m starting to question your decision about visiting here more and more,” Whisk teases. I get up, groaning slightly. I look into the gift bag that I somehow miraculously didn’t give damage to.

“Well, I’m not, and that’s good enough,” I say. I look up at the embarrassed grey pegasus before smiling and lean over to hug her. “It’s good to see you Derpy, how’s the little kiddo doing?” I ask. Derpy smiles and returns the hug before breaking it to face me.

“Oh, she’s been doing great!” She says excitedly. “I was just talking to her the other day, and she started talking about opening a library!” Derpy looks giddy as she talks about her daughter. It’s heartwarming. “I told her that if she thinks she can do it, she should go for it, but I’m not really smart enough to know how to help her,” she laughs nervously.

“Eh, I’m sure she’ll be-“ Our nice conversation is interrupted when an explosion goes off in the distance. Everyone looks down the dirt road to see a small dark mushroom cloud in the distance, near the Sweet Apple Acres farm. My immediate reaction is terror, but I immediately calm down to the point that I actually deadpan at the explosion. If anything, Applebloom and her friends probably just tried something new, like usual. Most of the time, it involves loud crashing and explosions. “... Probably nothing,” I say simply. Derpy shrugs and everyone goes back to doing what they were doing. “Anyway, as I was saying-“

“Anon, that was an explosion!” Whisk yells. I look at her for a second, merely blinking in confusion.

“Uuuh, yeah?”

“W-well why isn’t anyone worried or panicking!?” She asks. It finally hits me that Whisk isn’t used to Ponyville norms.

“Let’s put it this way. Whenever an explosion, crash, monster attack, or apocalyptic event is going on, one two two things goes through everyone’s mind here. One, it’s normal. Two, if it’s not normal, Twilight and her friends will deal with it,” I say, shrugging it off. Whisk’s jaw drops. She pinches the bridge of her beak and sighs.

“Are you telling me, that over the past ten years you lived here, explosions and monster attacks are either normal or pushed onto someone else to deal with?” Whisk asks. I nod. “... So, why were you terrifying to these ponies if your only threatening quality is yelling at them?” I start to stop to respond with a logical explanation, but I can’t.

“Well, Uh... well...” I scratch my head as I try to think about it. “... I dunno, I’m tall?” Whisk quirks an eyebrow at me.

“Bull,” Whisk says.

“Bull? Where?” Derpy asks.

“Uh, figure of speech Derpy,” I quickly say. Derpy looks at the sky and gasps.

“Oh my goodness! I have to run! I’ll be late!” Derpy quickly starts galloping past us and towards a direction. I’m not entirely sure if it’s the right way to the post office, but I’ll let her trust her instincts for now. Whisk and I give her a smile and a wave as goodbye for now as Derpy flies off.

I enjoy the silence Whisk and I’ll probably miss in the next few minutes as we walk down the dirt road to the Sweet Apple Acres farm. We’re still passing a long, white wooden fence that seems to have been painted recently. The Apple trees lining the orchards are covered in snow, with no fruit. It’s quite nice to see, after seeing nothing but stone, brick, and concrete buildings for a few years. Whisk, on the hand, is not as thrilled. She kinda has a scrunched up face whenever she steps in mud. The first time it happened, I merely pointed at my shoes with a smirk. I don’t know why she’s walking, she has wings for fuck’s sake. Actually, now that I think about it, my shoes are getting pretty old and worn out. There’s definitely signs of wear, if the faded color or splotches of mud are anything to go by. They used to be a nice pair of leather shoes, even if it wasn’t as shiny as I’d like it to be.

Suddenly, I hear a set of hooves galloping towards me. I spin around just in time to catch Scootaloo in mid air as she tried to ambush me... with a hug. “Darn it! So close!” Scootaloo laughs as she futilely tries to wrap her forelegs around me.

“Eh, you’ll get me next time,” I say. Scootaloo plops down and looks up at me before frowning slightly.

“So uh, you didn’t see any-“

“I saw the mushroom cloud Scootaloo,” I deadpan. Whisk giggles as the now-embarrassed pony chuckles nervously.

“Yeeeeaaaaaah, uh, totally Sweetie Belle’s fault,” she says. She looks at me with a ‘convincing’ smile. “She thought a cannon would fire a lot better if there was more gun powder stored!” She starts looking excited as she thinks back to the event. “So of course, I- Uh, I mean, Sweetie, decided to fill it so full, that I could fly even higher than last time!” I face palm at Scootaloo’s terrible lie. “Welp, great talk, gotta go!” Scootaloo yells, quickly jumping up, waving, and darting in the opposite direction.

“No- Wait, what were you-... Oh forget it,” I mutter, realizing very quickly that Scootaloo won’t listen to me. Whisk bursts into laughter as we continue our walk to the farm. However, I smile, seeing that at least Scootaloo doesn’t seem to be too badly affected by the trauma of the war. And if Sweetie Belle was involved, I can certainly bet that all three were in on their little experiment. The fact that they can mess with a canon and consider it fun, it must mean they’re doing a lot better than I originally thought they would.

I take a deep breath in and out as I see the Sweet Apple Acre farm. The Apples don’t seem to be the only ones here. It’s almost nine or ten in the morning, and I already feel tired. Not tired, as in sleep-wise, more like tired, like ‘I’m too tired for this shit.’ There is a large group of ponies at the barn, where a banner was hung up in the opening of it. The main house seems to be a source for the country music that fills the air. “I was not expecting company,” I note dryly. Whisk looks at me with a little worry, seeing my reaction, but puts a comforting claw on my arm.

“Well, uh, do you want to go ahead and go try to find Dinky or-“ I chuckle and pat Whisk’s head.

“Nah, I wanted to see Applejack first, I wanted to go ahead and catch up a bit more with her.” Whisk looks at me with concern. I give her a reassuring smile. “It’ll be fine, I promise.” Whisk looks at me for another minute before smiling.

“You know, you’re so different from when we first met. It’s a little scary in a way,” Whisk says, giggling.

“Nah, I’m not that different,” I say. “I’m probably still just tired from the war.” I give a small chuckle as I reach into my pocket and pull out a cig. The moment I started smoking, a familiar orange pony walks out from the barn to greet us.

“Howdy ya’ll, what can I do for you?” She asks, tilting her Stetson back as she walks up. She scrunches her nose a little as she smells the smoke, but she doesn’t comment on it.

“Oh, nothing, we just wanted to visit. It’s been a little while since I talked to you or your little sister,” I say. “Figured I should stop by, since it’s Christmas-“

“Hearthswarming,” Whisk and Applejack correct me at the same time. I just deadpan at them as I finish a breath in. I sigh out the smoke, and look at them in the eye one at a time.

“Look at my eyes,” I start. I take another drag and breathe it out. “Do I look like I give a flying-“

“Mr Anon!” Another, younger voice calls, shortly before I feel hooves wrap around me from behind.

“Hey Applebloom,” I say, giving a small smile as I look behind me to see Applebloom’s form hugging me. “God, did you get bigger again? You look like a full grown mare.”

“Anon, I’m almost eighteen, of course I’m as big as a mare,” Applebloom huffs, letting me go to walk around to face me. Applejack snickers and ruffles Applebloom’s mane with a hoof.

“The mind of a filly stuck in a body of a mare,” she teases, earning a laugh from Whisk and I. Applebloom wasn’t as amused, but it only added to the comedy. As I calm down, I puff out some smoke as I reached into the bag I was carrying. I pull out Applebloom's gift, showing it to her.

"I figured you might like this," I say. Applebloom gasps excitedly, taking it to inspect it closer.

"Wow! Thanks! Now I don't need to use the hose anymore!" She uses her free foreleg to give me a quick hug. "Thanks Mr Anon!" With that, she runs off towards the barn to put it up. Whisk and I smile at Applebloom's excitement. Applejack, however, was smiling even wider. She has a sort of prideful look as she looks on after her sister.

"... She's almost grown up now," she says softly. I chuckle, petting Whisk as I reminiscing the time that filly first met me.

"Yep. Almost grown up... Call me crazy, but I think I just might miss her and her friends breaking into my house," I say. Applejack chuckles, turning to me.

"Sugarcube, you and I both know they'll still do that long after they become adults," she says. Whisk Snickers as I give a laugh.

"Yeah, you're probably right," I say.

"Would ya'll like to come in? We got family over," Applejack offers. I scoff.

"Did you plan it?" I ask. She nods. "Then no way in hell. I still remember trying to do that stupid obstacle course," I retort. Applejack laughs, nodding.

"Alright, fair enough," she says, smiling up at me. "Just remember Sugarcube, you're always welcomed here." I nod.

"Noted, as always. Tell your folks I said hi, alright?" I ask. She nods as Whisk and I start walking away from the farm.

"Wait!" Applebloom's voice calls. I look over to see Applebloom rushing towards me. She has a paper bag hanging from her mouth as she gallops up. She skids to a halt in front of me. She pants as she puts the bag down in front of me. "Sorry, I forgot to give you something," she says. As I pick it up, she gives me one more quick hug before turning back and returning to the barn. I look into the bag and find a few jars of zap apple jam. Damn, it's been forever since I actually had any. I smile and wave bye to Applejack.

"Well, it was great talking to you," I say. She gives a smile and a nod as Whisk and I leave. Not gonna lie, this went a lot better than I thought. I smile down at Whisk as we walk the dirt road back to Ponyville.

Standing in front of a familiar house, belonging to Derpy, I stop as I take in the sight. It looks like nothing much has changed. The house is like most of the buildings in Ponyville, white, tall, hay-rooftop, and pink windows. However, the mailbox in front of the house was crooked, as always. I remember when I babysat Dinky, when Derpy went to the Canterlot wedding so many years ago. She was nervous at first, but she warmed up to me. Whisk tugs on my shirt, breaking me out of my trance. "Ready?" She asks, looking up at me. I nod and we walk up to the front door. I knock on the door, and wait.

"Who is it?" A voice asks.

"Uh, hey kiddo! It's Anon," I say. The door unlocks and opens to reveal Dinky, who has her reading glasses on. She looks exhausted, to say the least.

"Oh, hey Mr Anon," she says before yawning. "Sorry, Mom's not around for the moment."

"That's fine, I'm here to see you," I say. I frown as I take in the fact that her name is disheveled, there are bags under her eyes, and her fur is matted. "... Did you stay up all night studying or something?" I ask. She slowly blinks and sighs

"... Kinda," she says, sniffing. Whisk and I exchange worried glances.

"... Do you want to talk about it?" I ask. Dinky slowly nods and allows us into her house. We walk in, and now I know that nothing's changed at all. There's a blue couch, two small tables on each side, and a radio sits on one end. There's a wooden desk against one wall, with a small disheveled stack of papers. There's a hallway in one corner, but I just sit on the couch, while guiding Dinky into doing the same. As she sits down, Whisk sits on the other side of her. I rub Dinky's mane, seeing as how she seems to be enjoying it.

We sit in silence for a good while, until Dinky finally speaks. "... I'm really tired," she simply says before passing out. Her head slumps down, and I stare in mild shock. I've seen Twilight like this, but I didn't think Dinky would be like this. Her eyes are kinda.bloodshot, but there aren't any year stains to suggest she's been crying. She seems to just be tired, probably from studying a hell of a lot. Derpy did tell me Dinky was getting serious about education at some point.

"Oh, poor thing," Whisk says quietly, shaking her head. "We should get her to bed. Do you know where her room is?" I nod and hand Whisk the bag I was carrying before gently picking Dinky up. She's actually rather light, to my surprise, but I focus on getting her to bed. I carefully stand up slowly and start walking down the hall. Whisk follows closely. After passing a couple doors, I stop in front of Dinky's room. The door's already open, and I can see inside. Papers are everywhere, books are stacked, and I get flashbacks to Twilight's rampage about not having a friendship report. Fun times. However, I regain my attention and carefully walk through the ocean of papers before setting Dinky down on her bed on the other side of the room. I carefully walk back and quietly shut the door behind me. I take back my bag from Whisk and walk to the living room.

"Guess I'll just have to leave this here then," I mutter. I smile a little. "Hopefully, she likes it." Whisk smiles and nods before we walk out the house. I make sure that the door is locked before we start our way back to the train station.

Today was nice, I hope I'll always be able to have a day like this...

Author's Note

I'm not gonna lie, this chapter was kind of hard to write, and I'm not completely satisfied with how it turned out, but I think it's good enough for now. I hope y'all have a good day!

Short: Board (As Fuck) Meetings

June, 19th, Saturday, 2022

I grumble a bit more as I place the last stack of papers for the day down on Clipper’s desk. Clipper looks up from some paperwork she was already filing and sighs. “Not another one,” she whines.

“Oh don’t worry, it’s just one goddamn category,” I grumble irritably.

“Really? Why?” Clipper asks as she starts moving the new stack.

“Apparently, some asshole from Canterlot decided to have a board meeting. I was requested to go to one,” I explain. “And I said hell no. So of course, they moved it to commence here in my office building.” Clipper tilts her head as she glances up at me.

“If that’s the case, why do you need to go to this meeting? What’s it about?” She questions.

“I dunno, some sort of budget bullshit that I couldn’t give a fuck about,” I mutter as I stop to just look around. So far, the Border’s doing great. We have a bit more income, a bit more services are being used, less terrorist attacks happen, and we even got some better furniture as well as utilities. Not only do we have working shitters now, we have shitters that don’t break every three days! My office building has gotten a little renovated, where there’s now a second floor for stuff like meetings not unlike the shitfest I’m about to go to. About five or six rooms are upstairs, two of which are used for meetings or talks, one room is a break room with a vending machine and water-dispenser, and the last two rooms are for meetings for workers here. “As far as I’m concerned, I’m one of the only people that’s actually making a fair bit of progress.” Clipper giggles at my grumbling.

“I’m sure it isn’t that bad,” she says. “Besides, you and Lucky are rivaling, right?” Oh yeah, Lucky was surprised at how well things are going. I don’t know why, but she kinda declared that she’d take me on as a personal challenge. We joke about it more than anything else, but the press kinda took it literally. And now, there’s a small yet constant debate on which checkpoint is better amongst the guards.

“So?”

“So, she’s bound to make it interesting, if nothing else,” Clipper says with a bit of attempting comfort. I nod.

“You’re right... I could probably start a shit show by starting a huge argument with everyone,” I say with a slight smile. Clipper looks at me with a bit of a shocked expression.

“N-no, that’s not-“ Her words are not heard, as I just continue my train of thought.

“Hell, if Celestia comes as well, we could really start a party! I could keep making fun of Sunbutt and horrify everyone!” I say with slight malicious intent.

“Sir, please,” Clipper pleads, putting her head down as she’s starting to regret her choices.

“This’ll teach her to force me to go to this meeting! Thanks Clipper, I knew there was another reason I hired you,” I say, patting her head before cheerfully going back into my office.

“Ugh, that’s not what-“ Clipper finally looks up to see I’m gone as the door slams close. She sighs. “Well, at least I cheered him up...” With that, she goes back to work.

It’s the next day, and the meeting is about to start. We’re in a meeting room in the second floor, where all the chairs have been taken up by several ponies from various Checkpoints. At the head of the table, sits Celestia, who’s doing great at smiling like a Barbie doll. To her right, I sit with a displeased look on my face. Finally. to my right, is Lucky, who’s trying to look professional. I'm not happy at all since my plan to start a shitshow got Celestia mad before the meeting even began. One thorough lecture later and I’m specifically sat down next to her. “So, when do these chuckle fucks leave?" I ask Celestia.

"Patience Anon, I'm sure it'll be done quickly," she says. She clears her throat, grabbing everyone's attention. Most of the ponies in here look rich, if the suit jackets are anything to go by. "Thank you all for attending this monthly meeting, I would like to thank Mr Anon for allowing this-"

"I didn't allow shit," I point out. Celestia keeps her smile and simply looks at me. “... Just wanted to clear that up.” I can feel her anger through the smile.

"... As I was saying, this month's meeting is about budget planning. It has come to my attention that there are certain Checkpoints that don't use their money very well," she says. "Normally, I would not make a deal about it, nor would I normally call out names-" Celestia stops to give a disapproving look torwards some ponies in the room. "Rascal, Dawn, and Pokey," she says. She regains her composure before continuing. "But it would seem that funding for Checkpoints seems to go to waste since certain Checkpoints over spend to the point that the crown is indebt to third parties." Lucky and I scoff loudly. Celestia gives us a stern glare before continuing. "Miss Runner, please elaborate us on how you manage your Checkpoint," Celestia says. Lucky nods and jumps out of her chair.

"Need a stool?" I ask. "Or does a booster seat work just as well?" Lucky stops herself from laughing, having gotten used to my humor.

"A stool's fine asshat," she replies. The ponies listening are already either shocked or horrified. Lucky magically brings up a stool so that she can be seen. "Alright, first off, never spend bits on unnecessary items a Checkpoint doesn't need."

"What, like the chocolate treats Canterlot does?" I ask. Celestia face hoofs.

"Anon, the chocolate is important," Lucky says. "It helps support the idea that Canterlot is a welcoming place." Lucky stops to regain her focus. "Next, plan out what you need depending on what is around you."

"Like a chocolate milk dispenser if the complimentary chocolate's too much," I say, nodding sagely.

"Anon, shut up," Lucky says nonchalantly. "Anyway, I normally spend some funding on any improvements regarding the security’s armor or defense."

"And chocolate," I add. Lucky merely deadpans at me.

"... Anyway, it's important to increase security when events like holidays and memorials are coming up for the increased traffic that's bound to happen." Lucky pauses, looking at me. I simply stare right back. "... What, no chocolate comment?"

"Does it always have to be about chocolate with you? Don't you think you need to lay off the sweets?" I ask, shaking my head. Lucky just sighs and shakes her head.

"Well, thank you Miss Runner, your wisdom with finances is crucial for stability of funding," Celestia says.

"You know what, what does Anon have to say about any of this?" Lucky asks. My eyes get a sort of glimmer as Celestia silently panics.

"Erm, please, no, I think we-"

"Alright shitbags and Fuck knuckles," I call as Lucky and I trade places. Lucky simply smiles as she walks to her seat. "First off, don't buy stupid shit. You would think that's obvious, but apparently it's not. Like for instance, Celestia thought that investing in a cake maker was a great idea." Celestia silently accepts her fate and consequences as she just frowns. "Second off, if you think you want it, shut the fuck up, no one gives a shit about what the hell you want. I wanted a good shit this morning, but apparently I couldn’t."

"He's a bold one, isn't he?" A pony says.

"Shut up sackless, I'm just getting started," I say. "Anyway, always make sure your guard and workers are in tip top shape, and not some fucking brainless airhead. One of my guys can’t tell the difference between wood and rocks. I wish I was fucking exaggerating. Also, don't try to do clever shit like shortcuts, it's not clever and you'll damn well regret it later."

"Princess, why are you letting him insult us like this?" A pony calls.

"... It's just his personality. It's rather charming once you get used to it," Celestia responds.

"So? What makes his Checkpoint better than any of ours?" Another pony calls.

"Yo, is it your turn to talk? No? Then shut the fuck up," I call out. I turn to Celestia. “As I was saying, if I could go back in time and stop Hitler, I wouldn’t. I’d go back in time and become an art teacher. Then I’d move to Germany. You know what’ll happen next? Hitler would be in my class and I’d be the one to make sure Hitler failed in art school. But hey, I wouldn’t stop there, because history would still lead to World War Two, so I’d fail Hitler and then kick his ass as punishment.” I stop to take a breath. “So remember, don’t take a short cut to stop Hitler, take the long path to be the one to really fuck him up.” I turn to Celestia. “Can I leave now?" She shakes her head with a stern look as everyone else is still processing the impromptu history lesson I just gave them. . I groan. "C'mon, I talked a whole bunch and I'm tired. Isn't that what makes up a board meeting?"

"Anon, although what you've said is accurate and rather blunt, I still want you to attend the rest of this meeting." I deadpan at her. “There might be something that-“

"How about no," I say.

"How about you sit down and just please, please act like an adult for five seconds. Maybe you'll get something out of this," Celestia says, losing her patience. I look around and remember that the windows aren't upgraded yet. I look at the door to see that it's in a golden aura, which means Celestia's determined to keep me in here. Well, you know what? Fuck that noise.

I turn to Celestia. "Now, I'm gonna do what's called, a pro gamer move." I stretch my arms and pop my back. As everyone looks at me in confusion, I make a running start towards a window. Celestia reels back in horror as she realizes what I'm doing.

"Wait- Anon- No!-" With that, I quickly brace myself.

"Yeet!" I yell as I crash through the glass and thin wood. I quickly remember that I was on the second floor. Fuck. I land on the concrete and groan loudly in pain as I start a string of curses. "Oh fuck, sonova bitch, dammit, fuck-" I start getting myself up as some guards walk over. One of which is Spearhead. I think I broke a bone in either my arm or my rib. I can't tell due to the pain.

"Anon, did you just-"

"Get me a God damn medic!"

Everyone in the meeting room just stares out the window in absolute shock. Celestia, not sure if she was truly expecting that, walks over to the window to see if I was fine. Thankfully, she sees me yelling more curse words as a medic's using magic to heal me. She takes a personal note to expect this a bit more.

"What in Tartarus was that!?" One pony yells. "He just jumped out the window!"

"What kind of moron does that?" Another pony says.

"Apparently a moron who isn't in debt," Lucky calls out. Celestia just barely manages to hide her smirk before turning to face everyone.

"Since it appears that Mr Anon is away at the moment, we will conclude this meeting with Anon's words in our heart. Although the way he put it was rather blunt, rude, and especially confusing, he was... Slightly right," Celestia says. Truth be told, she really has no idea what I was actually talking about. She was a bit too annoyed at the time to listen. She shakes her head. "Anyway, my little ponies, you are dismissed."

Author's Note

These next few shorts are to kinda help transition to the next arc, which is why it takes place a bit later instead of in the past, like usual. Nonetheless, I hope ya’ll enjoy it.

Short: Guard Duty

Author's Note

Warning, this short is in Spearhead's perspective. Enjoy fam

Short: Guard Duty

March 4th, 2023, Wednesday

I yawn as I finish up my breakfast on our refurbished couch. My wife and son are still asleep, and I hope I don't wake them up. It took hours to get Stripes back to bed, and I'd hate to make my wife wake up to put him back to sleep. I smile to myself as I think of how precious Stripes is. Holding my plate, I hop off the couch and head to the kitchen. I silently put up the dish and go to the front door. I stop to look back and envision my family, getting ready for the day. I smile a little more and sneak out to go to work. It's almost three, so it doesn't surprise me when I can't really see much when I walk out. The sun's not up yet, and I already have tons of stuff to do.

I calmly walk to the Border, passing street lamps, apartment buildings, and garbage bins. It's a rather nice morning. I finally see the Checkpoint's walls coming closer and sigh. Another day, another bit. As I walk up, I can see various guard ponies marching to their posts as shift change begins. I frown a little, noting that I might be a bit later than normal. I guess the extra time I spent on breakfast was a bit much. I mentally shrug, I'm sure no one really cares.

I stick the last piece of armor, my helmet, on my head as I walk down a corridor from the Barracks. Ever since the Battle for Manehatten, I was given a rather nice promotion that I actually liked. I always joke about how I'm never promoted, but it's not true. I always had a chance to go up the chain, but I didn't want to since it would normally mean I have to be shipped off somewhere. I know, it's a bit selfish, but I'm stubborn like that. I snicker to myself as I finally get to my post. It's funny, normally I would have to be running errands for someone right about now. It's been so long since I had to run an errand that it's almost nostalgic to think about it. I perk up as I remember that there is some paperwork I need to pick up from Clipper. I immediately start walking toward the office building. It's almost four thirty, Clipper is normally here around this time. In no time at all, I find myself walking into the building, immediately seeing the slightly renovated office. The carpet's orange, and there's a computer at Clipper's desk in the back of the lobby. Clipper sits behind her desk, already sorting through papers while occasionally sipping from a cup. "Morning Clipper," I greet. Clipper looks up and smiles.

"Hi Spearhead! How are you?" She asks.

"Oh, I'm good, I just need to-" I am suddenly interrupted by the office door swing open and slamming into the wall. I jump out of my skin and just barely manage to stop myself from grabbing my weapon. Out stumbled Anon, with bags under his eyes. He stretches his arms, earning a couple of loud pops as he yawns. "Anon? What are you doing here-" I stop and gag as the smell of smoke hits my nose.

"Whisk got mad at me," he says simply, rubbing his head. He already has his regular attire on, but it's all wrinkled a little.

"Uh, how?" I ask.

"I accidentally left a cigarette on our coffee table, which caught on fire," he says casually. "I couldn't sleep on the fucking couch, so I came to work early. I managed to grab two hours of sleep." I chuckle and shake my head. Anon's always a weird guy, but probably one of the nicest I've met. I turn my attention back to Clipper, who's looking through some envelopes.

"Anyway, Clipper, do you have any messages or documents for me? I put in a request about two days ago for the roster of rookies we're getting soon,” I say. Anon passes me, going for a coffee maker I have failed to notice on one side of Clipper’s desk. Clipper hums and goes through the envelopes again.

“... No, doesn’t seem like it,” she mutters. I sigh, sagging my shoulders.

“Two fucken days for a roster you wanted three days ago?” Anon guesses, pouring in some creamer into his mug.

“Yep,” I say.

“Hm... Want me to put in a word?” Anon offers. “I tend to have a way with words.” I shake my head.

"No, it's fine, they'll get in trouble on their own." With that, I March off as Anon turns to Clipper.

"So, about those files of pool noodles..."

I stand by in the courtyard, next to Anon's office building in front of the Wall's entrance. I notice various guards coming in to patrol the area, showing absolutely stoic faces as they do their duty. I frown as I look at the sky to see it's almost noon. Sergui should have been here by now. I finally hear the sound of an armored pony rushing up to his position next to me. "A bit late Sergui," I note as he catches his breath.

"Sorry, there was a cart wreck on my way here," he explains. "The stupid 'self-pulled carts' are so new, that I didn't know what to do when they asked who's fault it was."

"That doesn't excuse your tardiness," I warn. Sergui salutes before taking his place beside me

"Come in boys, I need some help with this fuck," Anon's voice crackles from the walkie-talkie. "This dude's a damn jackass." I look at the device in confusion for a moment before remembering what jackass means to him.

"Uh, sure, will do." I nod towards Sergui and we head towards the booth. I open the door to find a pegasus shoving a papers in Anon's face.

"What do you mean I can't say it!? I have the z-word pass!"

"Shut the fuck up, go the fuck away!" Anon yells back. I give a glare at the entrant as I hear the argument. I come up to the pony, clearing my throat.

"Alright buddy, you've had your fun, come on." As I try to grab the pony, he tries to turn to me. However, he turns so quickly, he smacks himself with my outstretched, gold-clad armor. He falls to the floor, unconscious. I look up at Anon.

"You saw that right?" I ask, not entirely sure that what I just saw really happened.

"Yep," Anon says, unsurprised. He snickers as he looks up at me. "You know, I bet my people would still consider that police brutality," Anon muses.

"Um... Okay?" I say. He waves it off and gestures for me to take the entrant away. I nod and use a hoof to lift him and place on my back. As I walk out, I hear Anon call for the next entrant. Sergui, waiting outside, looks at me in confusion as I walk out.

"Did he say he had a z-word-"

"Don't," I warn, still walking.

Sergui and I finish up throwing yet another detained entrant into the cell, a hippogriff with a bad attitude. "I would have gotten away with it too! If it wasn't for you guards and your monkey!" He calls. I roll my eyes as Sergui and I walk back to our posts.

"I'm amazed at how few detainments we've done today," I note, walking out of the Checkpoint's jail building and into the courtyard.

"Yeah, this is pretty new," Sergui says.

"Sir!" A guard from somewhere calls.

"Celestia damn it," I mutter quietly to myself. I guess I shouldn't have jinxed myself. I turn around to find a guard rushing up to meet us. "What's wrong?" I ask.

"Sir, we have a bit of a problem at the other entrance," he says, saluting.

"At ease, I'll look into it." I turn to Sergui. "Go back to your post, I'll catch up, alright?" He nods and walks off as I start following my fellow guard.

At the other entrance, a lot of griffons and guard ponies are looking at a big cart, which is lead by two griffons. I frown as I remember this exact scenario happening about two or three years ago. I think that's when Anon started smoking. I shake my head. I can't ask Anon for help, he'd get too mad before I even finish explaining what's going on. "Alright, what's the hold up?" I ask as I walk up to one of the griffons.

"Sir, thank you, you see, we're having trouble with moving this cart. We think someone might have accidentally broken one of the wheels, and we need to repair it." I nod, taking in the information. I can't really use our resources for this, since it's technically Anon's call, though I doubt he'd care. However, I want to play this safe.

"Alright, we'll help move the cart," I say. I turn to face any nearby guards. "I need two or three strong ones, on the double! We need to help move this cart!" I call out. Immediately, a couple guards come up. "Go to the back of it and try to push," I order. They both salute and hurry towards the back. It's nice, not having to repeat myself. The respect I got from the battle for Manehatten lingers on to this day. I'm still not quite used to it.

"Thank you sir, you truly are a Knight," one griffon says before they move along. I frown as I hear that title. Truth be told, I don't believe I deserve it. I think back to the event, remembering how I had to be told by someone to do something right. I inwardly sigh and just smile at the leaving griffons. At least I succeeded. I am proud of that much...

I groan as the soldiers in front of me shift uncomfortably. We're sitting in the courtyard, near the office building. "So, you're telling me," I start. "That when someone gave you a letter to me, and you didn't give it to me, you figured that it would be wise to just stick it in my lunch bag." I take out the letter to show that it is soaked in water that had spilled inside the bag. "Exactly why did you think that was the best course of action?" I ask. Before they can answer, my radio crackles again.

"Yo, we have a fucking dumbass trying to threaten me with a banana." I start to answer it, but stop as I realize that Sergui can handle it. I start to continue berating the guards, but I remember that it's Sergui that might handle it. I groan and shove my lunch into one guard's hooves. "Hold this," I say, turning to go deal with the problem. I walk a small distance before opening the door to find a strange sight. Anon, holding his hands up, a moose, holding a banana up, and a hole on a wall in Anon's booth.

"I am not a donkey!" The moose yells.

"Spearhead, help, this fucker's insane!" Anon says. The moose's banana glows and a Lazer shoots out, narrowly missing Anon as he ducks.

"What the hay!?" I tell, drawing the moose's attention. However, before he could react, I jump forward and slap the banana out of his hoof before punching him. The moose stumbled back and lowers his head. Quickly, he starts charging at me with his antlers pointed at me. I quickly side step, which allows him to run into the magical barrier and stumble back again. I deliver another punch and knock out the moose, making his body fall to his side, unconscious.

"Holy shit," Anon says, putting his hands down. "I think that's the coolest shit you've done so far." I chuckle and throw the creature over my back.

"I think it was too!" I say, laughing a little. I walk out as Anon announces the temporary closing of the Checkpoint for maintenance. I snicker as Sergui catches up to me.

"Hey, what happened?" He asks.

"I disarmed and neutralized a moose," I answer, snickering even more.

"What was he armed with?" He asks. I chuckle more and more.

"A, hehehe, a banana," I say, before laughing loudly. Although the banana was dangerous, that was certainly still entertaining in hindsight. Just another day as a Royal Guard, I guess.

Short: Whisking Away...

I stop to stretch my wings as I land in front of my workplace, Whiskey’s Bay. Quite honestly, one of the best places in my book. Granted, I own it, but it’s home to me. I keep a small smile on my face as I unlock the door and head inside. It’s almost six in the morning, the perfect time to set up for the day. Most bars would only open around noon, but mine doubles as a small restaurant. I originally didn’t like the idea, but it grew on me quickly. I didn’t know how much I liked cooking until I had to do it when the bar’s original revenue wasn’t cutting it. I walk in the dark heading to the bar counter. I hop over it with the help of my wings and walk to a door on the far left. I unlock it and head inside. The room’s darker since there aren’t any windows, but I know exactly where everything is. I reach towards my right and flip on a switch, which turns the lights in the small office on. The room’s cozy, with a nice dark carpet and cream-colored walls. In the middle of the room sits a wooden desk with a lamp on it. The desk is neat and orderly, with a stack of papers in a tray on one corner of the table. I walk around and sit on the cushioned chair that sits behind the desk.

I scoot in, placing my saddlebag on top of the desk. I sort through its contents, rummaging through smaller bags, papers, and candy bars. I’ve developed a bad habit of stress eating a couple months ago. Anon’s been trying to help me cut back on sugar, but I still sneak a few bits of candy or bars away from him when he’s not looking. Though, knowing Anon, he probably knows and just isn’t bothering me about it. I look at one particular candy bar and freeze. It’s not really a bar, per se, it’s more like a packet of two pieces of chocolate and peanut butter. I frown as I look at it, remembering that I already ate a lot of sweets yesterday... Buuuut, I haven’t eaten a lot of breakfast. With a bit of hesitation, I grab the packet and carefully open it. I take one and bite into it quickly, stopping myself from eating to quickly to enjoy it. The peanut butter just tastes too good! I smile dreamily to myself, popping the other end of the piece into my mouth. Simply delicious! I do the same for the second piece as I get up and start walking out of my office. I walk to the middle of the counter and reach down to find the light switch for this room. I find it and flip it on. In rows, the lights above me turn on. Now, I can clearly see everything. I smile as I see my workplace, proud of the progress I’ve made for it. After I hop over the counter again, I start taking various chairs and stools down from the tables and setting them up one at a time. I also make sure to take a rag and wipe the tables to make sure they’re clean.

As I do this, the door opens. I look up from my work to see a happy-looking pony walking in. “Hey Chipper!” I call, going back to cleaning.

“Hi Miss Whiskey!” She replies, walking up. Chipper’s been working here for at least a year or two. She’s always on time, if not early. Although, she’s not particularly the best at cooking, she’s great at waiting tables. “Bumble’s probably going to come in late today,” Chipper warns as she walks past me and towards the kitchen, which is behind the bar counter. Bumble’s another pony, who I had hired about two months ago. He’s clumsy as all get out, but really good at keeping track of orders. He’s technically a good waiter, but there’s a chance he might spill drinks, slip, or drop food. But hey, at least he has a really good memory.

“What is it this time?” I ask. Bumble’s normally a little late, but he makes up for it by sweeping and help cleaning tables after hours. He’s a good kid, always ready to help.

“He got stuck in his apartment-building’s elevator,” Chipper explains before heading into the kitchen. I snicker to myself as I clean.

“That sounds about right,” I say to myself. As I move on to another table, the door opens again and a small group of creatures come in. I look up to see four more workers of mine, all chatting with each other. Quadruplet griffons, all brothers. They’re all some form of orange, but there’s a black mark on a different part of their body, like a wing tip, edge of their head-feathers, their tail, all of which helps me identify which is which.

“-and I says to her, ‘meh bro’s a spot kinky, but I’m better!’” To this non-contexted joke, the brothers all laugh. “And that’s why I didn’t like her mum!”

“Boys, remember to actually have a chef’s special today! No more surprises!” I call to them as they walk to the kitchen.

“Oi, Boss-lady, no need to worry ‘bout us, we’ll be cookin’ up quite a treat today! Ain’t that right lads?” A different brother says, earning a whoop of agreement from the other three brothers.

“You better, I don’t want a repeat of the ‘Shrimp-Pranks’,” I say, recalling the time that they had decided to spice up the method of cooking seafood. "You're lucky your cooking doesn't taste like garbage, otherwise I would've-"

"Yeah yeah boss lady, you would've thrown us for the wolves!" One brother says before disappearing into the kitchen. I roll my eyes and finish up cleaning the table.

"Ms Whiskey!" A voice calls as the front door swings open, allowing a female hippogriff to fly in and crash into a table almost immediately. I sigh, looking at the scene of impact. The table's knocked over, the chairs seemed to slide away from her, and the hippogriff in question is stumbling towards me. "Free Spirit, are you alright?" I ask. Free Spirit kind of doubles as a cook and waitress. She's good at mixing drinks, and especially good at customer service. However, she's a bit odd when it comes to personal talk.

"Y-yeah," she says as she shakes her head to get rid of her dizzyness. "I just saw what today is and I really need to ask for a day off." I quirk an eyebrow at that. "I sorry it's on short notice, but my boyfriend just told me yesterday that he made reservations and-"

"It's fine," I cut in, giggling a little. "Go on, have some fun. I'm just glad you told me before the day starts," I say.

"Thank you so much!" She says, giving me a quick hug before starting her walk out.

"Hey, what's the occasion for anyway?" I ask her. She opens the door to leave and looks back with a twinkle in her eyes.

"It's Hearts and Hooves Day!" She says excitedly. As she leaves, my face goes pale. Damn, is it today!? I run to my office, hopping over the counter. I throw open the door and wildly look around until I find the calendar. Yep, it's Hearts and Hooves Day. I start biting my claws as I realize I forgot to even plan to do something for Anon today. I sigh and massage my head in frustration. Well, Anon normally doesn't come home until much later, so I'll just get something on the way home. I quickly grab some candy from my desk and eat the with nervousness. I feel a bit better, but I'm still anxious. I sigh to myself again and walk back out. Today's going to be a long day...

I hand a shot of whiskey to the stallion in front of me as he tries to hold back tears. "Every gal I look at is taken I tell you. Taken!" He throws his head back to quickly down the shot. He grunts as he places the glass back down. He looks at me slowly. "Hey, do you wanna-"

"Sorry, taken," I say. The stallion sighs.

"Figures," he mutters. Honestly, this guy has some crappy luck.

"I'm sure you'll find someone one day," I reassure, taking his glass.

"... Can I get another?" He mumbles.

"No, you're at your limit," I say.

"Alright, uh-" he stops to take out some bits. "I think this covers it." I looks at the coins and sigh. I take about half of them and smile up at him.

"I'll give you a discount today, alright?" I ask. The stallion smiles weakly and gives a nod of thanks before walking away.

Today, the bar is about half full. It's almost five, so things are slowing down. It's been mostly quiet, surprisingly.

"Hey Whiskey!" A nervous voice calls. I spoke too soon. I look over to see Chipper with a frown.

"What happened?" I ask.

"One of the, uh, patrons wants to talk to you," she says.

"Which one?"

"A uh, a unicorn. She has a complaint about uh-“

“Excuse me!” I look over to find a rather well dressed unicorn. Her coat's a sort of pale blue, and her mane is a dull brown with green streaks. She wears a black dress and hat. It's obvious she's not from around here. "My drink tastes stale!" She calls. "Could I get a new one?"

"Uh, sure, but I'll have to taste it as well," I say. I mean, alcohol kills germs, so I'd think it'd be fine. The mare turns her nose up and pushes the glass towards me. Oh yeah, she's from Canterlot, not many other ponies have that kind of behavior. I can see Chipper tense up at that as I sigh. I walk out of the booth normally, grabbing a pitcher of whatever was close. I bet five bits that this chick thinks alcohol tastes like bucking candy. I walk up, ignoring the chuckles and snickers from the other patrons who know me well enough to read my expression. I grab the glass and down it. I smack my lips as I look up in thought and pour another into the glass. "Tasted fine to me," I say. The mare sips her glass and makes a face.

"This is stale too!" She says.

"No, it isn't," I say. "I'm gonna guess that you aren't a big drinker." To this, the mare blushes and glares at me.

"... No, I'm not," she says, pushing the glass to me. Huh, she didn't go nuts. Normally rich ponies would 'lose their shit' as Anon says. I shrug and down the glass. I'm not wasting good beer.

"That's fine, I think I have something you might like," I say. I whistle towards Chipper and make a gesture for her to get a menu. She nods and runs off. Almost instantly, she comes back with the list of drinks. The mare in front of me looks at me in confusion as I show it to her. "We do other drinks too, like water or milk. However, if you still want some alcohol for some sort of celebration, I suggest getting a milkshake. We can pour in some brandy, it tends to go well with it."

"But, doesn't it ruin the milkshake?" The mare asks.

"Nope, it keeps its sweet taste," I explain. The mare looks at the menu, reading the various names and prices, before nodding.

"Alright, I'll try the milkshake," she says. I smile and nod. I turn to Chipper, but she's already walking away with a notepad, jotting the order down.

"Alright, I think you'll get your order in a couple minutes. If you still don't like it, you know where to find me," I say, starting my short walk back.

"Erm, thank you, miss," the mare calls, unsure of how to take my calm attitude.

I inspect another glass I finished wiping down as I finish up a conversation with another patron. “... And Anon says, ‘Them, dude turns himself into a pickle. Funniest shit I’ve ever seen!’” To this, the creatures sitting around the bar laugh and raise their glasses before taking a big sip. Suddenly, a crash sounds in the crowd. I sigh as I hear a couple glasses shattering. “I swear to Celestia, if it’s what I think it is,” I mutter.

“I think you’re just compensating for something!” One voice yells.

“Oh, it doesn’t take a genius to know what you’re compensating for!”

“Every day,” I say to myself. “There’s always one fight like this, everyday.”

“Excuse me!?”

“You and your stupid ‘big brain’ is obviously waaay bigger than your-“

“Will the people yelling please shut up!” I yell into the crowd. “For buck’s sake, if you wanna talk about who’s bigger, go get a room!” To this, everyone snicker or laughs drunkenly. Anon taught me a valuable lesson, if someone’s doing stuff that no one wants to deal with or see, embarrass the troublemakers. I turn my attention back to the crowd around my bar, but suddenly, two stallions come up fuming. One has glasses. Oh boy.

“Hey! Bird lady! That was a good idea! Do you know any motels or something close by!?” One stallion yells.

“Yeah! We need to settle this!” The other yells.

“... Down the street, turn right and go a couple blocks,” I say. Just my luck, they took it seriously.

“Thanks!” They both says before starting an argument between themselves as they walk out. The patrons around me stare after the duo before turning to me.

“Is it me, or do they sound... gay?” One asks.

“Don’t want to know, and I don’t want to care,” I say, taking out a bottle of whiskey and pouring a shot for myself. I quickly down it and sigh. “At least nothing else got broken,” I mutter. I turn to the kitchen. “Hey Bumble- wait, no. Chipper! Can you please come over and take my spot as I clean up the mess?!”

“Yes ma’am!” Chipper replies from somewhere.

“Thanks!” I quickly look under the bar and find the broom and dustpan I keep hidden. I always keep a broom around just in case. I hop over the bar with it and head over to where I think the mess is. As I come up, sliding past drunkards and patrons, I fins a turned-over table with broken glass everywhere. I sigh, placing the dustpan a bit to the side. I start sweeping it all up into the dustpan, when a voice calls out.

“Excuse me? Miss Whiskey, was it?” I stop and turn to see the Canterlot pony from earlier. “I’m sorry for bothering you, but the milkshake I received was just so delicious! I just had to tell you my thanks!”

“No problem, come again,” I say, giving a smile. I go back to sweeping as the pony leaves.

I yawn as I finish up wiping a table. I look at the clock to see it’s almost ten. Anon’s probably gonna work late tonight, he’s been working harder recently. I giggle to myself as I remember how he was mad at Sergui for mixing something up. I have to admit, Anon’s funny when he’s angry sometimes. Of course, I try to calm him down when I can, but I’ve learned that he calms down by venting more than anything else. I quickly finish up what I’m doing and hear the boys in the kitchen start laughing. I turn to their general direction. “Hey! Can you guys close up for me?! I kind of want to get home early tonight!”

“Will do boss!” One says from the kitchen.

“You better lock up the bar right! I’m counting on you four!” I yell, snickering as I hear clattering pots and pans.

“Oi! Watch it Garry!”

“You watch it Wingnut!”

“If I could, I’d stick around for the free entertainment,” I say jokingly to myself. I head into my office and gather up my things. After that’s done, I lock up my office and trust the brothers to lock up the rest. I know they’re responsible enough to do that at the very least. I open the front doors of the bar and leave. The night air greets me with a chill, making me shiver a bit. I forgot that it’s not spring yet, I guess I should’ve brought a scarf or something. I stretch my wings and decide to just fly home tonight. I jump into the air, using my wings to help my lift off. I start going through the air, past building and posts. It feels good to use my wings every once and a while. I slowly shift to the left and to the right, enjoying the feeling of the momentum shifting with me. After a couple minutes, I spot my home on the ground and I tilt forward to get there quickly. I flap my wings forward to slow down and come to a stop in front of the front door. I sigh and open the door, promptly walk in and plopping onto the couch. Today was a long day... I think I’ll take a nap...

Author's Note

Yes, I have indeed returned. Someone had found all seven dragon balls and resurrected me. All hail Dr Pepper.

Short: A Reality Check

February 29, 2039, Earth time.

On Earth, in Kentucky, in a suburban town, is a bar. A local bar with very few people in it. One man, chubby with gray hair and a grizzled beard, sits in front of the bartender, sipping on a pint. The bartender is younger, but still mature, if the goatie he has is any indication. The bar has tables lined against the walls. There’s about five or six of them, enough to seat about fourty people total. It used to be one of the busiest bars in town, but the local economy started going downhill. There are a couple more people in the bar, but they aren’t important to me. I sigh, standing outside a window, looking in. Now’s a better time than ever. I walk around and open the door, walking in and getting out of the rain. “Weather’s been a bitch,” I say, walking in. I take off my hat, trying futilely to dry it with my coat’s arm sleeve. “Can I get a glass of... Fuck it, Doctor Pepper,” I call, sitting down next to chubby guy. The bartender starts to say something to me, but he looks up and freezes.

I shake my head silently and nods towards the man next to me. It might’ve been ten years, but he still knows me well enough to know what that means. Bartender’s name is Jerry. One of the few friends I had, though we lost touch a couple months before I got taken away to Equestria. Jerry nods and heads to the back. “... I don’t have any money for this month, just take the damn couch. You know where I live,” the man next to me says.

“Eh, it’s been a few years you bastard, how the hell can I know where you live?” I ask him. He scoffs.

“George caught on finally?” He asks. I frown, looking at him.

“I’m waiting for you to,” I say. Jerry comes back, handing me a glass of soda. I take a sip as the man looks at me.

“... Sorry pal, I don’t recognize assholes,” he says, sipping his pint. I snicker, nodding.

“Well, you’re not wrong,” I mutter. “I really didn’t want to do this... But I had to. I wanted to talk to you, after all this time.”

“What the fuck are you rambling on about?” The man asks.

“... I don’t know. For once, I don’t know,” I answer. “I didn’t think I’d even get this far to be honest, but, I figured, it’s kinda retarded how I never made peace with you, despite the fact that you’re still kicking shit around, and I’m almost fucking fourty.”

“... Who are you?” The man asks.

“Well, you fucking Geezer, think back to when I last talked to you,” I say. “Remember when I said ‘Go fuck yourself’?”

“... Is it you Anon?” He asks. I bark a laugh.

“That’s most sober sound you’ve ever made,” I say. “Did you practice in front of a mirror or something?”

“A-Anon...” my father says, looking at me in shock.

“Yeah, that’s the dumbass name you game me when I was born,” I mutter. “Still can’t change it, just so you know.”

“Anon, where have you been!” He yells,

“Somewhere far enough that I don’t hear that loud ass voice anymore,” I say, sipping my soda.

“It’s been twenty years! Where the hell did you go!? Do you have any idea what-“

“Do you ever stop shouting? Because I can go ahead and leave again. You can’t find me once I leave,” I say. His face contorts to anger for a second, but he stops and sighs. He sips his pint and breathes.

“... Your mother was worried,” he says quietly.

“Hm,” I acknowledge. “So you were sober enough to know she’s capable of feeling hurt for once?” My father grunts, but simply sips his beer.

“She divorced me, if that makes you feel better,” he says. “I know you have a love for spite.”

“You’re not too far off, but it doesn’t make me feel better. Just goes to show she only endured your bullshit because of me,” I say.

“Well, she cut me off from her life after you left, I don’t know where she is or how she’s doing,” he says.

“Well, if she’s like me, she feels fine. Maybe she’s even happy for once,” I say.

“... Your ex is doing fine, if you’re wondering,” my father says.

“Nope. Wasn’t wondering. Kinda hoped she’d die in a ditch or something,” I mutter.

“Anon, she wasn’t-“

“That bitch had the nerve to cheat on me, constantly call me an idiot, and even took my shit when she dumped me. If you so much as even begin to finish that sentence, so help me God, I might just break this fucking glass over your head.” I take a calm sip as my father looks at me in surprise.

“Someone’s ballsy,” he comments. I flip him off as I take out a cig and light it.

“Um, Anon-“

“I don’t give a fuck Jerry,” I say, puffing out some smoke.

“... Fair enough,” Jerry says, shrugging and continuing his duties as a bartender.

“Since when did you start smoking?” My father asks.

“‘Bout ten years ago, a dude gave me a cigar for a gift. Tried cigarettes, they felt better,” I say, taking out the cig to sip the Dr Pepper. I grimace as I realize the taste is muddled from my smoking,

“Smoking’s bad for you,” he responds.

“So’s excessive drinking,” I say, nodding towards his pint.

“Actually, this is the first drink I’ve had in months,” he says. I quirk an eyebrow at him with suspicion. He sighs. “I joined an AA group smartass.”

“... Good,” I reply. “At least you did something productive while I was gone.”

“... Where did you go Anon?” He asks. “I... When your mother left... I didn’t have anyone.”

“Hm,” I acknowledge, taking a silent sip.

“... Your mother left around a month after you disappeared. I looked for you for two years. It’s like you were wiped off from the face of the Earth,” he says. I chuckle.

“Eh, something like that happened, but I can’t really tell you,” I say. Dad looks at me for a moment before sighing.

“Such a shit answer,” he mutters.

“Fine asshat, I constantly move to the other side of the world you’re on,” I say. “Hell, I even have GPS tracking and everything on you.” My father looks at me for a second before shaking his head.

“Sometimes, I can’t tell if you’re serious,” he says.

“I’m not, but I really can’t tell you where I go,” I say. “It’d be complicated.”

“Hm... So, what do you do nowadays? Bitch at people?” He asks.

“... Yeah, pretty much,” I snicker. “I make a pretty penny for it too. Thousands per day.”

“Heh, that’s my kid,” Dad replies.

“... That’s the first time you’ve ever called me that,” I note, sipping my soda. He sighs, nodding.

“Don’t get used to it. I’m only mellow because today’s a good day,” he says irritably.

“... That makes no fucking sense, but okay,” I say, puffing out some smoke. “... You know, this is going a lot smoother than I expected. You really have changed a lot.” My father grunts and sips his pint. “... So, what do you do for a living?” I ask. He grunts and pops his shoulder.

“Well, once I got my shit together, I tried every job I could. I was a part timer for a grocery store, there was a KFC bit I tried for a couple months, and I finally settled for being a plumber. I actually managed to get a van and just live in it while I work.”

“Hm. That’s good,” I say. “Retirement plans come up yet?”

“Fuck no,” he replies, chuckling. “I didn’t know how much I actually like being busy until I started the plumbing business.”

“Hm. Guess an old dog can learn new tricks,” I say. He grumbles, glancing at me.

“Who’re you calling old? You got wrinkles too bitch,” he says. “Oh, is that a gray hair I see?” I frown and grumble back.

“I’m not old,” I mutter irritably.

“You’re fourty Anon, you’re old. Welcome to hell’s prologue,” Dad says, sipping his pint. I chuckle and raise my glass of Dr Pepper.

“You know what? I can get along with you, you old bastard,” I say. He grunts ands raises his pint. We both sip in unison, falling into a comfortable silence, aside from the jukebox still playing music. Suddenly, my father grunts.

“It’s... It’s good to see you, Anon. I... I hope you can...”

“... It’s alright. We’re all fuck ups, one way or another,” I says, putting an arm around my dad’s shoulders in an attempt at a hug. However, I am suddenly pulled in, and his arms go all around me. I hear him quietly sob, shaking as he hugs me.

“No, I... I fucked up. You did nothing.... Nothing wrong...” I sit, stunned, unsure of how to take this. I get flashbacks, to the times he’d use a belt, barking orders at me to bring him beer from the store, and constantly putting me down.

“... I have to ask...” I gently take his arms off me and grab his shoulders, making me look at me. “Why did you hate me so much when I was young? You acted like I was an asshole just by being alive. I don’t know if you’re just bullshitting me right now, or if you feel sorry. The only way I need to know, is if you tell me right now, why did you hate me?” His eyes, sunken and sad, look at me, but also past me. I can see him have his own flashbacks, playing in his mind.

“... I was angry. I hated what I was, what I did, and what I wanted to do. It was a cycle of just... hating everything. I don’t even know how it started anymore,” he says. “I... I don’t know how to explain-“

“No, I get it. I got in that cycle too. I only recovered because I had people help get out of it,” I say. “... If I never met those people, I don’t think I would be alive right now. Hell, I even tried to jump off a cliff after I went away.” My dad looks at me in slight surprise. I cross my arms and lean on the counter. “I hated everything, myself, and everything else. But, that’s not important.” I look at my father with a small bit of sympathy. “So, yeah. I get it. I still wish you weren’t a fucking asshole, but I get it.”

“...” My father looks at me with an anxious expression.

“... For the moment, I guess we’re fine,” I say. His eyes widen slightly and he hugs me, stronger than before.

“Thank you, thank you,” he says. “I wanted to see you for twenty years... I’m so glad that I could.” I sigh.

“Oh grow up Geezer, you’ll live,” I say, patting his back. With that, he pulls away and looks at his pint. He looks at me for a second with hesitation before grunting,

“Jerry, could you... throw this away, or something? I’m not feeling it tonight,” he says. I feel my eyes widen a bit, as does Jerry.

“But, it’s half full,” he says.

“Eh, just drink it. My fiancé owns a bar, she says that alcohol kills germs or some shit, so it’s fine to finish it off for yourself,” I say.

“Wait, fiancé?” My father asks.

“Huh? Oh yeah,” I say, pulling up my left hand and showing my ring finger, showing a silver band. “I uh, kinda got engaged recently.”

“Oh, you have a girlfriend? What’s she like?” He asks as Jerry takes the pint away from him.

“Oh, you’d like her. She yells at me when I do stupid shit, but she’s an amazing cook and bartender,” I say. “She’s a bit awkward when it comes to romance. Like when she ‘proposed’-“ I stop to put in quotes with my fingers. “-she had actually forgotten to get me a Valentine gift. I jokingly suggested that she should marry me, saying that would be a good enough gift,” I start laughing. “The next week, I get a fancy dinner and and she just pops the question as I was bitching at someone for putting hay in my burger.” My dad blinks, probably questions the part about hay, but he ignores it to ask something else.

“... When did you two start dating?” He asks. I sigh, sipping the glass as Jerry comes back with a couple soda cans. Dad picks one as I start talking.

“Well, uh, I found a lonely kid on a train, realized it was one of my friends’ son, and when I went looking for his father, I bumped into his father’s sister,” I say. “She was really pushy at first, trying to sound like the toughest girl in the world, but we kinda talked for a bit. The next thing I know, we stop by the coffee shop sometimes, or even to the movies. Then, one day, I realized she loved me, but I didn’t want a repeat of my last relationship, so I let her choose whether or not to tell me. About a few months later, she confesses. We sort of hit it off after that.”

“Hm. Your mother was the same way when I met her,” my father says. He snickers. “She could bark, but she was better at biting...” I sit comfortably, listening and occasionally talking to my dad, sharing stories. Of course, I never go into detail about a lot of things, but I think I’ve told him the things that will give him peace of mind.

Finally, I look at the clock, and frown. “Damn, I gotta go. My uh... ‘flight’s’ leaving in a couple minutes.” My father’s smile falters, and he sighs,

“Ah, well... I uh, hope you have a safe trip back to... Wherever,” he says. I hum, nodding.

“... I’ll be honest, I thought I would regret talking to you. When I thought of trying to make peace with you, I thought you wouldn’t change,” I say. “But... I’m glad I did this... “

“... Anon, will you ever come back?” He asks. I grimace,

“... Probably not. This might be a one-time trip for me,” I say. He sighs. I can see that he’s sad, which surprises me.

“... Could you send postcards? Maybe even pictures?” He asks. I start to say ‘no’, but I stop. I hum in thought.

“... Be right back,” I say. I rummage through my pockets and bring out some money, I place the twenty on the bar. “Here Jerry, keep the change.” I turn to Dad. “Don’t move.” I walk out of the bar, back into the rain. My father blinks in confusion before looking at Jerry, who’s also staring after me in confusion. After a couple minutes, I come back in and hand a paper to my dad. “Here’s a recent picture of me and Whi- er... Wendy,” I say. He takes the picture and looks at the photo. I stand to the left, wearing my usual grey coat and red shirt, putting an arm around an obviously younger woman, who has short, upturned purple bangs, green eyes, and wearing a black jacket with a purple shirt underneath. My expression looks irritated while Whisk looks happy. I silently thank Discord for being able to use his bullshit magic to alter photos when they’re in my world.

“Why, she looks young!” He says in surprise. “How old is she?!”

“Uh, about ten or nine years younger than me,” I say with a bit of embarrassment. “Trust me, I realize how weird it looks too.” My father snickers, patting my back.

“Well, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t impressed,” he says. He smiles at me, with a genuinely happy expression. I almost didn’t recognize him for a second. “... Thank you, Anon.”

“... Your welcome Pops,” I say, stretching, “I’ll send you a card every once in a while. I uh, kinda use a special delivery system, so, just beware, you might see this guy called Discord. He’s weird as hell, but he’ll deliver my letters for you.”

“Uh, okay?” My father responds. I look at the block and grimace.

“Welp, gotta go, hope I’ll see you later one day,” I say. “See ya... Dad... I’m happy you’re a better person.”

“See ya kid, I’m... I’m proud of you,” my father says as I leave. I stop and look at him for moment, but only give a wave behind me as I leave the bar. I hold myself together, feeling all the repressed emotions swirling around me as I walk into an alleyway. The next thing I know, I’m in my living room at Manehatten, Discord is eating the bowls that holds the ice cream I prepared earlier.

“Oh, well done human, well done! Good show, I must say!” Discord says. He breaks off a piece of the bowl and throws it into his mouth, and chews it silently. “You, standing up to your father, oh! What a delightful treat!”

“You’re paying me back for that bowl, right?” I ask in a deadpanned tone.

“Oh, very well, spoil sport,” he says, popping off his claw and sticking it onto the bowl. It morphs into the original shape of the bowl as Discord’s arm regrows. “So, are we done here? I have a wonderful tea party to attend to! You know how I hate making Fluttershy wait,” Discord says. I wave him off, which cues him to squeal in delight before snapping. And just like that, he disappears. I sigh in relief, walking to the couch. I plop down, rubbing my temples. I admit, the anxiety of me confronting my dad was... perplexing, in hindsight, but I’m glad I went through with it. I actually feel a little lighter, after talking to him. I don’t think we really patched things up well enough, if I’m being honest here, but... It’s good enough for me... Now, I feel like I can succeed where he couldn’t, if the time ever comes...

Author's Note

Hey guys, this is the last short! The final arc is kicking off, and the next chapter will be coming.,. Soon-ish? Anyways, g’night y’all!

For those who don’t realize, Equestria is ten years behind, Earth.

Kwality cahntint (April Fools)

I look at the mountain ahead of me, seeing the dirt trail leading up to the mountain’s peak. It’s curvy, like a really... curvy thing. I dunno, like uh... a uh... Monster Energy Drink? Anyway, I sigh and look at the whimsical pony next to me, squinting up at me with uncertainty. “So, this is the Sacred Path?” I ask.

“No, it’s the Ancient Trail,” he says, shaking as he speaks. I think he’s only shaking because he’s old. “The Sacred Path is right after the Old Town Road.”

“... Alright then,” I say. The pony stops me by grabbing my hand.

“Are you sure about this? You cannot turn back once you start,” he says. I scoff and step forward. I turn around and walk back.

“Seems pretty walk-backable to me,” I say. I cautiously step backwards on the trail. After about a good twenty steps, I walk back. “Bro, I can totally turn back-“

“Look youngster, give it a couple hundred steps,” the old pony says. I sigh and turn to the trail. I start my walk, continuing my epic quest for... something cool. Trust me, it’s worth it. “Wait, I must first know your name before your continued journey.” I stop and look back.

“... It doesn’t matter,” I say, continuing my trek... again...

I grunt as I walk up the rocky trail. This shit’s gonna be dope when it ends, not gonna lie. Everyone in Ponyville called me crazy, but no, I’m not crazy, I’m just desperate. “Halt!” A voice yells. I look up to see a short, bipedal black cat wielding a staff.

“Sorry, I’m not a furry,” I say.

“What? No, I’m here to test your wit!”

“Uh, well, I mean, I don’t think I’m fat-“

“Not your width, your wit!” The cat says, stomping the staff. “I will give you thrrrree sayings, and you must complete them with rrrrelevance!”

“Why are you rolling your r’s?” I ask.

“That’s not important, here’s your first phrrrrrrase!” The cat stops to clear his throat. He takes out a glass of water from somewhere, takes a sip, pops a breath mint in his mouth, eats a pack of skittles, clears his throat again, cracks open a cold one-

“WILL YOU GET ON WITH IT!?!?” I ask.

“Rrrrright, sorrrry,” the cat says. “Birds of a feather, flock together!”

“Oh, I know this one. They’ll flock together, until the cat comes,” I finish. The cat nods.

“Your second phrrrrrase, Curiosity killed the cat!”

“Uh... Oh! But satisfaction brought him back!” I say. “... I’m starting to see a pattern here.”

“Rrrright! The final phrrrrase, is: Never gonna give you up-“

“Stop, hold on, how’s that a phrase?” I ask.

“Well, everyone knows it, people repeat it, and it hold wise words.”

“... Never gonna let you down?” I guess.

“Correct! You may pass!” The cats says. Just like that, the cat disappears, like my dad when he went out to get milk. It’s amazing how far people will go to get milk. It’s especially surprising because he’s lactose intolerant. Anyway, I continue my journey, grunting as I continue up the trail.

I stop and rest against the side of the mountain, taking a short break. My legs feel like they’re burning. “This is what I get for eating too many pots of Mac n’ Cheese. Damn you Craft and your tasty goodness.”

“Halt! Cytka, who go dere?!” A Russian as fuck apvoice calls.

“Oh Jesus Christ, what now?” I ask. I turn from my spot to see a hulking mass of Slav. Like, think of what you think a Slav is... Yes, that’s what he looks like.

“‘Ello comrade, I am Slav, blyat.”

“Uh... Hi I’m-“

“Slav not care, Slav throw you off mountain now for sick kicks,” he says. He start walking, and I scramble up.

“W-wait, are you a... genuine authentic Slav?” I ask.

“Da. I am Slav, cytka blyat,” he says.

“Impossible, they were said to have been out-Slavved,” I mutter.

“Da, Slav May have bin out Slavved, cytka, but Slav alvays out Slav fake Slav’s slav.”

“Damn, you must be Super Slav,” I say.

“No, Slav is not Super Slav. Super Slav is Ooncul Stalin.”

“Anyway, so what do I need to do to get past you?” I ask.

“To pass Slav, non-Slav must Slav like Slav,” Slav says.

“Slav? I can Slav,” I say confidently. I clear my throat and squat, like Slav. “Cytka, Slav, I Slav too now.”

“Da, that is Slav, but can you slav like dis?” With that, the mad Slav catches a vodka bottle that came from fucking nowhere. He takes out a Makarov pistol and shoots off the top before chugging the bottle.

“Da, I can Slav like Slav,” I answer, pulling out a vodka bottle of my own. “I just need bear for Slavving.”

“Slav do,” Slav says, leaning his head up and making an inhuman sound between a roar and a telemarketer screech. Just like that, his Slav call spawns a bear between us.

“Come, bear, let us Slav,” I say, opening the bottle and shoving the neck of it down my throat. I proceed to start dancing like Slav, keeping low and kicking out legs whilst I chug Slav juice. Meanwhile, the bear catches on, inspire by my Slav, and proceeds to follow suit, getting a vodka bottle and chugging it as he dances as well, perfectly in sync with me. The Slav, so amazed by this beautiful performance, follows suit. He also gets a bottle and chugs it as he dances with us. We are all sons of Slavs now, perfectly in Slav with the Slav....

I wave by to my new Slav friend and bear as I walk up the mountain. You know, I guess there’s a little Slav in us all... Anyway, I continue my walk. It’s now, that I notice, that I’m almost at the top. “Hell yeah!” I call, starting to run to the last stretch of the trail. My blood’s pumping through me, as I am excited by this destination’s reward. The reward I have long sought after for all these years. However, as I rush, I hear rumbling. I stop as I see ahead of me, the final boss of the mountain. The final stretch of fighting there is left, all resides with this obstacle.

“You...” I mutter in disgust. How could I not be disgusted? It’s the most vile of being, one that takes advantage of the realms. It took advantage of most on my world, with the commonplace of my people. They are the pinnacle of dark energy incarnate.

“You! Are you the manager?!” The Karen asks accusingly. Her bright green dyed hair is almost horrifying to look at. Her leopard print purse does not at all match with her white sleeveless jacket and black shirt. Her grey yoga pants is too tight and reveals way too god damn much of her form.

“Of course it’s you, the one who would try to stop my holy quest,” I say, crossing my arms.

“My coupons aren’t working, I hope you’re ready to pay!” She yells, getting her Essential Oils out. I snicker, reaching into a pocket on the inside of my yellow hoodie.

“The Lord’s work, must be done on this day,” I mutter, pulling out an item that makes Karen stop in her tracks. I pull out a helmet that honestly resembles a bucket with a cross on it. “Dues Vult mother fucker,” I mutter, putting the helmet on. Karen screeches like an Anti-vax mom and runs towards me, oils ready for war. “Since thou breathes,” I start, whipping out a broadsword from.... somewhere. “THOUS ISETH A THOOOOOOOOOOT!!!” With a mighty battle cry, I charge at Karen with all my might, wielding my weapon with no fear in mind, braving the face of danger, thinking for not of the worldly desires. I use my sword to block Karen’s purse from hitting me, which instead sends me back a couple feet. However, I am strong willed, and continue to stand. “Dues VULT!!!” I yell, swing my sword and something screwing up on slicing her, instead only batting her with the side of the sword and knocking her back. “Damn, that was supposed to kill you,” I mutter.

“I-I want to see your-“ I cut her off with a chuckle.

“There’s no a manger here to save you, and there’s no manager for where you’re going,” I say. I raise my sword high, ready to strike. And thus, with the final blow, I rid the world of a dark blight. Just kidding, I actually messed up my aim and missed her head by an inch. Shit. Thinking quickly, I decide to just kick her down the mountain. That's good enough. I drag the Karen to the edge of the mountain trail's side, and yeet her off. I pat my hands with a smile and continue to walk. Now, nothing will stop my quest's end...

Later, in Twilight's castle, Twilight continues going through paperwork. As she does her paperwork, she keeps glancing at the clock next to her. "... When the hay is he getting back? This joke's gone on for a week now," she mutters. Suddenly, the doors to the room slam open, with me standing proudly in the doorway.

"I did it! I mc'fuckin' did it bitch!" I yell, throwing a wrapped package onto the table.

"Wait, did you actually-"

"I found some old geezer, went through four days of training, traveled for a day on that stupid fucking mountain, and I claimed the sacred treasure!" I yell.

"T-The treasure!? I-I didn't even think that was possible! No one's ever seen the treasure! I don't even have any books on it!" Twilight exclaims. "B-but I was joking about it, why did you-"

"Because why the fuck not!? But you know, when I found the treasure, it all made sense," I say. "The trials, the people, the battles I've fought for this glorious item. The item has been worth every bit of sweat, blood, and vodka I put into it." Twilight audibly gulps in nervousness as she looks at the still-wrapped package as I start unwrapping it. "There's only one thing worth all that trouble." The moment I uncover it, its holy light fills the room. I am already accustomed to it, but Twilight shields her eyes.

"Ack! It's so bright!" She says.

"Threw me for a loop too," I say. Finally, the light dims down a bit, and Twilight looks upon the treasure with... confusion.

"... It's a loaf of bread?" She asks.

"NO!!! Not just any bread," I correct her. I look at the sparkling loaf with gleaming eyes. "It's Hella Bread." Twilight stares at me for a minute before giving one solitary blink.

"... But it's bread," she says. I chuckle softly, taking a piece off.

"Observe," I say, taking a bite. Suddenly, my eyes glow bright, and I float up a bit. "I can see it Twilight... I can see all," I say. I laugh slightly maniacally. "I... I can even do the impossible! I can bend the very elements of reality Twilight." Twilight looks upon me with horror. "Now, I am a Memelord. None shall stand against-" Spike, who had sneaked up behind me, throws a frying pan at my head. I plop onto the ground, losing every bit of energy as I fall unconscious.

"... Spike, write a letter," Twilight says, teleporting in a small vault before opening it. "It's another item that cannot fall within the human's possessions." With that, she takes the Hella Bread and throws it into the vault before quickly locking it back up and teleporting it out.

Author's Note

Enjoy this Totally, 100% legit chapter y’all! Let’s hope that the Ender Dragon’s health bar doesn’t appear in the sky during April and continue to stay inside!

Non-Canon Ch1: Oh Fuck I Forgot How To Make A Proper Chapter Title

Author's Note

This is the start of a series of non-canon chapters, think of this as a “What if?” Kind of series where I just kinda spitballed and threw random things at the wall and keeping track of what stuck. Regardless, some people seemed to really enjoy these! I hope you do too!

Non-Canon Ch1: Oh Fuck I Forgot How To Make A Proper Chapter Title

June 8th, Wednesday, 2030

I grunt as I walk outside, early in the morning, like usual. I look behind me to see Whisk and I’s new house. It’s a bit bigger, it’s blue, and it has a few more rooms than the last one. The last one burnt down because I tried to cook something for Whisk at one point. Apparently, according to Whisk, alcohol does not speed up cooking as much as I think it does. However, I apparently knew everything, so I tried to prove her wrong by using a whole bottle of whiskey to cook a steak, while using a lighter. Looking back, probably the stupidest shit I’ve ever done. But hey, we got a bigger house now. I yawn as I hear Whisk call her goodbyes out to me. “Bye Anon! Have a good day, okay!?” She yells as I walk away. I turn back and give a smile and a wave.

“I will! Try to have a good day too!” I call. I continue my walk, feeling rather happy with myself. I mean, nothing’s complicated, work is still kickass, and terrorist attacks have been getting lower and lower for the past couple of years. Granted, it could all fall apart, but I’ll enjoy this while it lasts. One thing that continue to surprise me, is that Twilight hasn’t made many bad decisions so far, aside from the Confetti Plan. That was hell. Pure hell. Again, other than that, she’s been capable. Luna and Celestia still send me letters, and I still fuck with them. Luna’s still itching to do something, and retirement is too slow for her. So of course, she solves this by disguising herself and partying it up in different cities. At least, that’s what she told me. Celestia occasionally disguised herself as well, joining up with the main population, like Canterlot or Manehatten, to check up on them. Now, I haven’t really changed that much since ten years ago, after the war. However, Whisk and I did get engaged. I think she wanted us to be officially wed during November or December, when we first got together. Most people would still be in a sort of shocked state at this point. I’m not really shocked, if I’m being honest. It’s not like much will change, we already live together and everything. I think it's unnecessary, but when I saw how excited Whisk was, I can only snicker and go along with it. I asked her if she wanted a prenup, but she didn't think we'd need one. I wonder what kind of dress she'll wear? I mean, there are only so many ways you can dress something with four legs. Wait, would it be like making a cat wear a sweater? I've never really seen griffons in clothes before, other than socks...

I stretch and yawn as I head into the business building at the Checkpoint. Nothing much changed in the last ten years, other than the couple of floors above me. We have a couple more secretaries who are under Clipper's wing, or forleg, or whatever the fuck their version of the- no it would be wing because they have pegasi. I shake my head to get back my focus as I open and walk through the door. "Morning Clipper," I greet. Clipper, now in her early thirties, looks up and smiles.

"Morning sir! I have a letter for you from the Princess!" Clipper says, pulling out an envelope. I take it and rip off the seal. I take out the letter itself.

Dear Anon,
It's been a while, hasn't it? About four or five years, right? Ever since I was made to be the princess of Equestria, I have been busy to no end. There are papers, more papers, and even more papers. Quite frankly, I'm beginning to wonder why you like what you do. In any case, I wanted to meet up with you for tea at noon. I have already requested a sub for you. Do not worry, I'll return you to your post about an hour after noon.
Your friend, Twilight Sparkle.

I hum in interest. “Thanks Clipper. I’ll see you around, okay?” I say, giving a nod to her before I start walking out. The moment I step out the door, I see Spearhead in the corner of my eye.

“Anon, I need some advice,” he says as he walks up. I sigh.

“Is it about Stripes?” I ask knowingly. Spearhead sighs, looking away for a second.

“Yes," he says, a little embarrassed.

“Alright, what’s going on?” I ask, readying myself for a weird question.

“So, there’s this video game coming out, and it's not entirely... kid friendly,“ he says, rubbing the back of his neck.

"How?" I ask. "Is there blood, gore, intense stuff like that?"

"Well, no-"

"Are you trying to make him learn about the birds and the bees through it?" I question.

"What? No, he uh, already learned that from his classmates at school," he mutters.

"So what's the problem?"

"... It just looks a bit... violent," he says.

"Spear, your kid watches cartoons. Cartoons are technically about as violent as games, which is to say, they aren't," I say.

"How do you know?" Spearhead asks with uncertainty.

"My people had cartoons, and the older generations said it would be awful. Turns out, the generation that grew up with cartoons were not as violent as any other generation," I say. "It fucking amazes me that no one talks about how there were crusades and public executions, one of which was seen as normal entertainment at one point, but oh well."

"... Anon, your people are weird," Spearhead says. I sigh, getting back on topic.

“Right, anyway, I would suggest making sure he understands that a video game isn’t real. The point of a video game is to make sure one can do anything in their own space,” I say. “As long as you make sure that they understand that a virtual world is the only place to do bad things where you can just reset it all if it goes sideways.” Spearhead nods, acknowledging my advice.

“...Are you sure I can’t just-“ I stop him by putting a hand on his shoulder.

“He’s a kid Spearhead, let him be a kid,” I deadpan. “Isn’t he, like, ten or something? What game would he want anyway?”

“Oh, uh, Final Dreams IX,” Spearhead answers.

“Oh fuck yeah, get him that!” I say instantly. “Dude, I remember when I was little and I played the human version of it. It was kickass!"

“Are you sure?” Spearhead asks.

“Buddy, if this is Sudoku, I’d be playing with a sharpie,” I say. My friend laughs, nodding.

“Okay, if you’re sure,” he says, walking away to his post. I nod and go back to my walk towards my usual spot. Now, to start the day. I lean towards the mic.

"Next!"

The first entrant to walk in is a... pony wearing a big orange space suit? "Uh-" The pony takes off her helmet to show it's Pinkie. "Oh. Hey Pinkie. Costume party in Yakyakistan?" I ask.

"Yupperoony pepperoni!" She says, nodding.

"... Right, papers please," I say. Pinkie hands me her papers, I quickly check over them. As I do so, a portal opens up behind Pinkie, where a certain jumbled-together-piece-of-shit pokes his chaotic head through.

"Oh Anon! I have a ques-"

"Wait in line," I cut him off. Discord frowns and crosses his arms.

"Well that's no way to treat a friend," he says with a huff.

"Yeah Anon, you kinda owe him one since he let you keep your phone from Human Earth while you were visiting someone," Pinkie says. "Which is super duper neato, with Reddit, Youtube, and-"

"Okay, fine, what is it Discord?" I ask, rubbing my temples.

"You see, I'm bored, and no one's interesting enough to mess with, and I want to say it's your fault," Discord says.

"Oh really, how'd you figure that?" I ask bemusedly, giving Pinkie's passport a green stamp.

"Well, in this timeline, you weren't supposed to exist, and you somehow managed to make even more harmony than the other timelines!" Discord says exasperatedly. "I mean, seriously! How do you expect me to have fun when you somehow cut it all short! I wish you were more like Celestia or Luna, they make things interesting," he pouts. I shrug.

"So? Sue me," I say. Discord snaps to attention suddenly, looking me in the eyes. Slowly, but surely, he forms a big grin, big enough to literally outstretch his face.

"That's it!" He says. "Anon, I have something to do today!" I frown as I see his excitedness.

"That's not good," I mutter to myself.

"I'll get some things ready, when are you free today?" He asks.

"I actually have a booked schedule. Besides, Twilight already invited me for tea-"

"Splendid! I'll see you then!" Discord says, popping out of existence. Pinkie looks at me with a smile.

"You're in troublllle," she says like a first grader catching a kid with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Yep. See you around Pinkie," I say as she walks off. I sigh and lean towards the mic. "Next!"

The next entrant is a pony I haven't seen in quite a while now. Applejack, wearing her stetson as usual, though a couple of grey hairs highlighting her mane are still visible. She walks in, chuckling. "Anon, howdy!" She says, walking up.

"Hey AJ. How's the family?" I ask.

"Well, Big Mac's still kickin'. His wedding was bucked three ways from Sunday though," she says.

"Damn. How?" I ask.

"Pinkie's kids handled confetti," she answers. Ah, yes, Pinkie has kids. Applejack said something like that a while ago, maybe five or six years ago. I stare at her for a minute.

"... Aren't they, like, five or something?" I ask.

"Yep. Takin' after their folks at such a young age already," Applejack chuckles. I smirk.

"What about Applebloom? Is she still happy working under Too-Much-Glitter?" I ask.

"Anon, it's Starlight Glimmer, and yes, she's still plenty happy!" Applejack says with a laugh. I smile warmly, but Applejack suddenly frowns. "I uh, before you start getting too happy, I need to share something with you." I drop my smile and lean in a little.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"I... I'm uh..." Applejack visibly struggles to speak, which is a very bad sign coming from her. Finally, she sighs. "... Nevermind, now's not a good time. I want to tell you, but Pinkie's waiting on me for our 'Back In Equestria' Party," she says, laughing a little. I can tell she's hiding something, but I know Applejack enough to know I can't really force it out of her. Yes, it's obvious when she lies, but that doesn't stop her from continuously lying or changing the subject. I give her a grimace before reluctantly stamping her papers green. As she tries to take her passport back, I hold it still with a hand, making her look at me in confusion.

"Promise me you'll tell me what's up," I say. She sighs, nodding. "Say it." Applejack audibly gulps and speaks up.

"I-I promise Anon," she says. Seeing how she's not lying, I let go of her papers, allowing her to leave as she silently thanks me with a nod. "See ya sugarcube, be safe now."

"You too AJ," I say. As she leaves, I give a heavy sigh and lean towards the mic. "Next!" I call.

The next entrant is a young, cloaked pegasus. A pink, cloaked pegasus. I can feel my blood pressure rising, as I momentarily get flashbacks to Cozy's War. "... Please remove your hood," I say, already reaching for my crossbow. Time paradoxes or not, I am not going through that shit again.

"W-what if I don't want to?!" Says the filly. I immediately calm down as I heard her voice. Nope, it may be childish, but I recognize that voice for a different filly. A filly that should be in the Crystal Empire, watched over by her father. I sigh in exasperation, planting my face in the desk as I feel all the tension lift off my shoulders.

"Jesus Christ," I quietly mutter. "Flurry, what are you doing here?" I ask irritably, looking up. The filly gasps.

"H-how did you-"

"Pink fur, larger-than-average-wings, and you didn't change your voice. It's not hard to tell it's you when I already knew you since you were five," I say, reaching over and pulling off her hood. I will say this, atleast she hid her horn and cutie mark this time. Recently, she's been leaving the Empire to wander around Ponyville. However, I usually stop her when she tries to come through my checkpoint. "You're gonna have to do a lot better if you think you can get by me," I say. Flurry Heart, flashing me a glare before her magic reveals her true form. Pink, purple and cyan sparkly hair, green eyes, and about the average size of a filly. “I mean, c’mon, do I look that stupid?” I ask.

“No Mr Anon,” she mutters.

“Welp, lucky for you, I don’t need to call your parents,” I say, crossing my arms. Flurry Heart gasps excitedly, looking up at me. “I’m having tea with your Aunt Twilight this afternoon, so I can drop you off with her.” Just like that, her hope is squished like a car in a... car... compactor... thing... I really need a list of analogies with me, then I wouldn’t have self-induced shitty awkward moments like this with my internal monologues. Anyway, the point is, Flurry looks like she knows she’s screwed. “Though, I gotta hand it to you, you beat Maple in terms of the ‘Youngest Runaway I’ve Met’ award.”

“Mr Anon, exactly, how much trouble am I in?” Flurry asks.

“Would you like a pie chart or a line graph?” I ask. “Because you know your Aunt, can’t just do a scale of one to ten.” To this, Flurry nervously laughs in agreement.

“Um, is there a chance you could shield me during her lecture about safety and responsibility?” She asks. I scoff.

“That’s a good one,” I say, earning a deadpanned glare from her. “Look, just climb over here. I’m not letting you out of my sight since I know for fact you’ll run off again.”

“Well, why not have a guard escort me?” Flurry asks with a bit of hope in her voice.

“Because they’re dependable for hostile situations, not princess babysitting,” I point out. She sighs. “Besides, from what Twilight and your father has said, you’re clever enough to outsmart them.” Flurry hovers pass the desk with her wings, landing beside me. “Go back into your disguise for now, alright? The last thing I need is a news report about a princess staying in my booth.” Flurry sighs and brings her disguise back up.

“Y’know, I wouldn’t run away if my parents would just trust me more,” she mutters irritably. I sigh, rubbing my temples. I recognize that attitude, I might as well try to nip this in the bud while I can.

“Kid, you just tried to go to another country to have a leisurely walk in Ponyville,” I say.

“That’s not true! I have a friend that’s staying in Ponyville, and it’s rare I ever get to talk to her!” She says.

“Okay, fine, you’re visiting a friend, tell me, what did it take to get here?” I ask. “Didn’t you lie or deceive your parents? Didn’t you just prove to them that you would do something they’re afraid of you doing?”

“But it’s because they wouldn’t trust me!” Flurry protests.

“Kid, that’s not the point. The point is, they have no idea where you are right now, and you’re irreplaceable to them,” I say. “You might have a lot of power and strength, but you’re not really street smart. A lot of people can take advantage of you faster than you can blink.” Flurry huffs and crosses her arms.

“Oh, what do you know?” She mumbles.

“I know a bit more than you do, I know that much,” I mutter. It’s a little frustrating, being talked to like that, but Flurry’s literally ten or eleven or something. Quite frankly, it’s a bit laughable really. However, since my words don’t seem to go through to her, I’ll just show her what I mean. After all, people trying to lie to me is common at the Checkpoint. Thankfully, since Flurry's short enough, she can't really be seen from where the entrants normally stand. “I will say this kid, your parents shelter you a bit too much.” Before she can say anything, I lean towards the mic. “Next!” The next entrant is a dragon, which makes me tense up a bit. I admit, ever since the war, my view on dragons are a bit... biased. Granted, I still treat them like I treat everybody, but now, I always have a small nagging fear of their seemingly naturally violent behavior.

"Damn, this place stinks," the grey dragon mutters, walking up. "Would it kill you to, I dunno, not have a shitty checkpoint?"

"I dunno, would it kill you to shut the hell up and just give me your papers?" I ask. I'm trying not to cuss too much in front of Flurry, but I'm still going to use my usual antics.

"Tch, fine," he says, handing me his papers. "Can't believe I have to go to this stupid country for a business trip," he mutters as I check his papers.

"Well, start believing, it's gonna happen whether you like it or not," I say.

"Watch it buddy, I know damn well I can take you out," the dragon snarls.

"Bold of you to assume you'd accomplish it," I say, handing over his green passport. The dragon huffs some smoke out, chuckling.

"You know what? I like you. You got some guts," he says. "Most would be too chickenshit to stand up to me."

"Unless you can tell me why I would care, please get out," I say. "You're holding people up." The dragon barks out a genuine laugh and nods in respect to me before leaving. Flurry looks up at me, confused.

"Well, he wasn't very nice, why did he like you when you back talked him though?" She asks.

"Because tough people like competition sometimes. Not competition that could get in the way of what they're doing, but competition over who backs down first in certain situations," I answer. "It's not about sounding tough, but about standing your ground."

"So, he didn't get mad at you for your rudeness, because you were standing up to him?" Flurry asks in confusion.

"Eh, something like that," I say. "It's a bit more complicated than that, but that's good enough for now." I lean towards the mic. "Next!"

The next entrant is a changeling, blue and bright blue with orange wings. "You look like something from out of Sunset Overdrive," I mutter.

"What?" He asks.

"Nothing, passport please," I say. The changeling hands over his papers, allowing me to realize that, upon closer inspection, one of his forelegs is a prosthetic. "Oh cool, you're a cyborg," I say. The changeling blinks.

"Um, what?"

"Bro, you got a metal arm, you're a cyborg," I say. He looks at his leg for a second.

"Uh, i-it's really not that good. Everypony gets disturbed by it," he mutters.

"Well screw them, you have a metal arm that uses magic and technology for a useful function-" I stop to gesture at the metal leg. "-thus, you're a literal cyborg. Congratulations, you're cooler than most changelings."

"You... You think it's cool?" He asks. I shrug.

"Well, it's cool to me," I say. The changeling looks at his leg again with a different view, smiling to himself as he inspects it.

"I'm a cyborg," he whispers to himself in awe. I stamp his papers green and allow him to go through.

"Um, Mr Anon, why did you do that?" Flurry asks as the changeling gets out of earshot.

"Do what?" I ask.

"Y'know, make him feel better," Flurry says. I shrug.

"Well, I didn't really have any goal in mind. It was different, I thought it was cool, so I expressed my opinion," I say.

"What if he got offended?" Flurry asks.

"In that case, oh well. I got my opinion out, I don't need to validate it. If he got offended, then I just don't say it again and apologize. Simple as that," I answer.

"Okay, that makes sense," Flurry says, nodding. I nod back and lean towards the mic.

"Next!" I say. The next entrant comes in, a green mare with messy white hair and red eyes carrying a saddle. When I say red eyes, I mean the kind of eyes that make you wonder if she's high or just tired.

"Hello Mister. Here are my papers." she says politely, giving me her papers. I hum in acknowledgement, taking them and looking them over.

"... Ma'am, did you eat anything recently? Your weight's off," I say. "Like, really off."

"I-I just gained weight, that's all," the mare replies.

"I wish I could pull off the Johnny Johnny meme, this shit would be so accurate," I mutter to myself. "Welp. Face the scanner." The pony does so as I hear to two clicks of a camera. Photos come out from the desk, and I look at them to see that there is a bag of a powdery substance in the saddle bag she's carrying. "Tsk tsk, you came to the wrong house fool," I mutter. As the mare turns to me, I start reaching for the walkie-talkie to call in Spearhead, but the mare stops me.

"W-wait, please! I need to carry this over for someone!" She pleads, leaning through the window. "I-It's medicine! I swear-"

"If you don't back off, I'm going to do worse than just calling security," I say. The mare backs off, and I can see that she's high. I recognize the signs other than the red eyes. She was completely calm, but now she's freaking out. Not like a normal person, who would be panicking on the inside, but rather like she suddenly developed an intense anxiety attack in a snap. Tears are down her face, she's mumbling to herself, etc. It's sad to see, though I trust that the rehab they developed recently will be fine with them. As far as I know, rehab is not at all what I went through when I was forced into it. They kinda realized that it was retarded to subject everyone to the same treatment without proper examination. Then again, it's not like the basics of the psychological mind is easy to understand, but damn if it didn't take them forever to figure it out. Anyway, I pull up the communication device and call in Spearhead. Seconds later, he opens the door, walks in, and drags the panicking drug addict out. I wave bye to him as he does his thing while Flurry looks at me questioningly.

“Was... Was that necessary?” She asks.

“Yep.”

“But... She was crying,” she points out. I sigh, rubbing the back of my neck. Okay, my decision earlier is starting to bite me in the ass now. I mean, the kid’s ten, I don’t think Twilight or Cadence is gonna be happy that her kid just saw a drug addict freaking out.

“Well... She needed help, yes, but this is the only way I can actually help her,” I say. “If I let her through, she would only get into more trouble.”

“Do they just, not know any better?” Flurry asks.

“Eh, kinda sorta,” I say. “Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don’t.” With that, Flurry goes silent as I call in another entrant.

Flurry hums a song to herself as I write out forms in my office, writing the occasional ‘Fuck You’ form as usual. The substitute inspector arrived a few minutes ago, so I have Flurry chilling next to me in my office while we wait for Twilight to teleport us. Flurry looks at me suddenly, putting a stop to her own hums. “... You remind me of Daddy.” I stop to look at her.

“... How?” I ask. I mean, Shining’s quite a bit different from me, so I am curious as to how I’m similar to him.

“Daddy always works in a small office with a bunch of paper everywhere, and he’s always busy,” she says. I hum in acknowledgement, continuing my work. “... How long do you work?” She asks.

“Um, from six in the morning to ten or twelve at night,” I say. Flurry furrows her brow and looks at one of her wings, counting feathers.

“Seven... noon... five... That’s eighteen hours!” She says in amazement.

“... Yep,” I mutter, signing a form for a sort of upgrade to our radios. This’ll come in handy.

“Do you stamp papers all day and write all night!?” Flurry asks. I chuckle.

“No, I go home, sleep for about five to six hours, and repeat the day.”

“All week?!” To this, I laugh.

“No, I get Sundays off,” I say.

“Not even Saturday!?” Flurry continues in amazement. She sits on her haunches, covering her head at the thought of school on, God forbid, a Saturday!

“It’s not so bad, I actually love what I do,” I say. “Keeps my mind sharp, I talk to a lot of people, and I can technically take a break whenever I want since I worked my- erm,” I catch myself, almost cursing. “... Since I work a lot.”

“Geez,” Flurry mutters. “... Mommy almost works as much as you do.”

“Oh really? What does she do?” I ask absentmindedly. Flurry deadpans at me as I slowly realize what I ask. “... W-well, I mean, like, specifically.” Nice save.

“Well, Mommy talks to a lot of nobles in her court, solves problems, and then she gets love problems. Those are fun to watch,” Flurry says. She giggles a bit. “Sometimes, they’re like those shows Mommy and Daddy watch on Saturdays! I think they’re called Soap Oporas?”

“I think you mean Soap Operas,” I correct.

“Yeah! That!” Flurry says. She huffs as she thinks back to them. “They’re always really weird. Sometimes, the girl would be crying how a boy doesn’t love her, and the boy loves her, but doesn’t know how to say it. Then, he does something dumb and makes it worse.” Hearing a ten year old describe a soap opera is a bit funny and a bit worrisome. I hope to hell this kid doesn’t develop a love for them. I mean, they’re fun and all, once in a while. But after fifty episodes, it feels like a wild goose chase going in circles.

Suddenly, a portal opens in my room, with a view into a big room with a small table in the center. At the table, sits a taller, wider Twilight. I sigh and stretch my back, as Flurry Heart's excitement almost immediately dissolves. "Alright kiddo, let's take you to your aunt Twiddle Fiddle Toaster Strudel." Flurry looks at me with a small smile at the nickname, but frowns again as she thinks about seeing her aunt.

"Do I have to?" She asks.

"I already walked home from the Crystal Empire once before kid, I ain't doing that again in reverse," I say. She sighs and dejectedly walks through the portal as I follow close behind.

"Anon, it's good to-" Twilight, speaking a bit deeper and more regal-er than I remember, stops as she notices her niece. "Flurry!? What are you doing here?" She says, glancing at me in confusion.

"..." Flurry looks at me pleadingly.

"I'm not saving you," I deadpan. Flurry sighs and looks at her aunt.

"I... Ran away from home..." Flurry admits. Twilight gasps slightly.

"Why? What happened?" She asks.

"... I wanted to see a friend, but my parents wouldn't let me." Twilight hums, nodding.

"I see... That was irresponsible, but I understand. However, don't run away from home for something like that. I assume you didn't tell your parents?" She asks. Flurry nods. "Well, I'll go ahead and open a portal to your kingdom. Don't do something so reckless again," Twilight chastises gently.

"Says the pony who summoned an alien," I comment. Twilight giggles, nodding as Flurry glances at me in confusion.

"Well, practice as I preach, not as I do," she jokes. I kind of reel back from that. Twilight, not overly freaking out from a joke? Dafuq!? Twilight's horn glows, summoning another portal. Through the portal, I can see Shining Armor and Cadence pause whatever they're doing, looking at the portal in confusion before noticing their child. Shining ran through first, using his hooves to almost tackle-hug Flurry.

"Flurry! Oh my Celestia, where were you!?" He asks. He looks up to see his sister giving a wave, and me taking out a cigarette. I think I earned it. "Did you go to Equestria by yourself!?" He asks as his wife walks up.

"Flurry, I'm so glad you're safe," Cadence says, also wrapping her hooves around Flurry in a hug. "... You are so grounded by the way." Flurry sighs in disappointment at that, but nuzzles into her parent's hugs. Shining finally looks up at his sister and nods.

"Thanks sis, it's nice having a responsible sister," he says.

"Hey, what about me?" Cadence asks, puffing her cheeks. Shining looks at his wife for a moment... He looks back at Twilight.

"Like I said, thank you!" He says happily, taking Flurry away and through the portal as Cadence looks at him in shock.

"... He's sleeping on the couch for three days," she says to herself, shaking her head. She looks at Twilight with a smile. "Thank you Twilight, and you too Anon." I shrug, lighting my cigarette with a lighter. "... You didn't give Flurry a-"

"Cadence, I'm not the type of person that gives kids a cigarette," I say, breathing out some smoke as I talk.

"Sorry! Just making sure!" Cadence says. "She's just been so... Adventurous lately, I'm afraid she'll do something that'll hurt her."

"Cadence, Flurry is a good filly," Twilight says gently. "She may be a bit reckless-"

"cough-leftthecountrycough," I interject, waving away some smoke. Twilight deadpans at me before continuing.

"- but I can trust Flurry to make good decisions," she says. Cadence sighs.

"Still, I worry," she mutters.

"The kid can pull a lazer from her horn that can destroy buildings and separate continents," I say. I take a long drag. "I'm fairly certain she can take care of herself in terms of self defense."

"I know, I know," Cadence says, giggling a bit. "Well, thank you both again, I'll return to my Empire." Twilight and I wave a bit before Cadence leaves. Twilight shuts the portal, and we're in silence. I walk over to the table and sit in a wooden chair provided to me from thin air via teleportation. I notice two separate kettles beside a teacup and a mug. I quirk an eyebrow.

"I remembered how you like coffee a bit more than tea," Twilight explains, using her magic to lift one kettle and pour some coffee into a mug and handing it to me.

"Got any creamer?" I ask. Twilight nods and hands me a jug labeled 'Quarter and Three Quarters'. It's kinda like Half and Half, but ponified. "Thanks," I say, taking it and pouring some into my mug. Twilight fixes her tea as I stir my coffee.

"Anything interesting happen today?" She asks.

"Well, aside from Flurry, there was-" I am interrupted by a scream and shattering of glass. I look up to see a tiny Discord swimming in Twilight's cup, sipping on a glass of iced tea with a tinier umbrella in it. "There was him," I finish, nodding towards him.

"Discord, you scared me!" Twilight says loudly.

"Oh, excuuuuuuse me princess," Discord says. "I was bored today, and my buddy ol' chum oh pal Anon just so happened to cure me of it. However, after I had clearly scheduled him two weeks in advanced, you took him today, so now you're gonna have tea with me." I look around the table to see that the kettle Twilight was using is shattered. She probably dropped it when she saw Discord.

"What? Anon did you-"

"No, he came to me this morning, definitely not two weeks ago," I say.

"Well, for me it was two weeks," Discord says, taking his umbrella and throwing it into his mouth. I can hear the sound of bricks being crumbled as he chews. "Time trully flies strangely, considering it never knew how to fly in the first place."

"Hey, you said you knew what you were going to do today, so what was it?" I ask, getting to the point. Discord sighs as Twilight tries to lift the tea cup, to no avail.

"Fine, I guess I'll tell you. I kinda wanted it to be a nice surprise, but oh well," he says. He snaps, disappears, and reappears next to the table with a monocle and scroll. He clears his throat, takes out a zipper, places it in the air and unzips it horizontally, creating a portal facing the floor. Through the portal, crashes Celestia and Luna, wearing Hawaiian shirts and now-broken sunglasses.

"What the-" Luna stops as she sees Discord. "Of course," she sighs. She takes out a flask and takes a long sip. "Tia, Discord has crashed our retirement." I look over at Celestia.

"... Did you somehow manage to pack on a few pounds?" I ask. Luna laughs as Celestia rubs her head as she gets up.

"It's a pleasure to see you too Anon," she mutters, turning to see Discord. "Discord, please give me a good reason as to why you and I are here." Discord smiles widely and adjusts his monocle before unrolling the scroll.

"Why of course Sunspot! You see, Anon and I were talking today, and I came upon an idea of what I wanted to do today!" Everyone, including me, exchange glances with each other. "I'm going to sue you!" He reveals. I face palm as Luna barks a laugh.

"For what? Being retired?" She asks, taking a sip from her flask.

"Actually, yes!" Discord answers, still unrolling the scroll into a pile on the floor. Luna spits out her alcohol. I lean back, sipping my coffee. This is certainly interesting. "You see, I found out something rather interesting. I found out that you have managed to break a whole lot of laws!"

"Such as?" Celestia asks.

"Tax fraud, endangerment of public safety, excessive endangerment of public safety, misuse of authority-"

"Hold on, what are these based off of!?" Luna asks angrily.

"Well, since you are no longer princesses, there is no danger in taking you to court since you no longer run anything," Discord says with a chipper attitude. "Tax fraud is because since you are now regular civilians, you are required to pay taxes that you owe to your country, which amounts to millions of bits. Next, you allowed a foreign illegal alien into your country."

"If you mean me, that one's technically on accident," I speak up.

"Then, since he was permitted, he is technically a sentient endangered species, and legally was supposed to be provided the utmost care you can provide. Instead you sent him into an environment that clearly did not do well with strangers."

"Wait, what?" I ask as Luna looks at Celestia in slight shock.

"According to this, you were supposed to be protected and provided for, but silly Tia forgot about it," Discord says.

"I did not exactly have a luxury of certainty Discord," she says. "Besides, Anon was safe for the most part." I slowly look at her with a deadpan expression. "... What?" She asks.

"..." I flip her off and look back at Discord. "So, exactly how long are they going away for?" I ask.

"About three or four life sentences," he says.

"Can it be doubled?" I ask.

"Anon!" Twilight says.

"Well I haven't gotten through the list yet, so we'll see," Discord says. “Then, despite knowledge of Anon being homeless, you still did not care until much later.”

“I... Yes,” Celestia says, nodding sadly. I can see her mane is becoming less and less flowy. “Twilight had told me, but from previous interactions with him, I thought he’d be fine according to Applejack.” She sighs, putting a hoof to her head. “And then, I find him at a bakery, and I saw how little he had in his pockets. I shouldn’t have assumed he was still fine.” Luna frowns at her sister.

“That sounds about right,” I mutter. Discord nods and continues reading.

“It’s not all that Celestia has done, but I would love to move on to Luna!” Discoed, Twilight, and I look at Luna, who gives us a blank look as she sips from her flask. “You are a dangerous alcoholic, disturbed the peace on multiple occasions, committed slight tax fraud, psychological damage, and forced an endangered species into a psychologically dangerous room.”

“Since when the fuck did you talk like lawyer?” I suddenly ask Discord. “Actually, better question, as someone who’s sole purpose is to spread chaos, why the fuck would you keep a list of rules? Isn’t that like an oxymoron or something?”

“Oh, this isn’t a list of rules,” Discord says, revealing the scroll he’s been unraveling. The scroll has senseless scribbles that are too small to read. “This is simply a list of memes I’ve been collecting from your world!”

“... So, when did I cause psychological damage to someone?” Luna asks.

“Well, you did put me down as his therapist,” Twilight mentions. “I mean, granted, it worked, but it’s not exactly a good and logical decision.” Luna takes another swig from her flask.

“As I have said before, I was drunk,” she says. I sigh.

“Y’know, I’d like a better excuse than that, at the very least. I mean, for fuck’s sake, you’re lucky I was tolerant of that shit. Otherwise I probably would’ve done something that would have made you regret it,” I say. “Hell, both of you are assholes for this exact shit. You think you had a reason, but it’s not a reason.”

“Anon, you haven’t brought your problems with us up,” Luna says. Celestia kinda droops her head down in shame.

“That’s because after all was said and done, somehow, it fucking worked. It was unnecessary bullshit, but it worked,” I say.

“So, now that it worked, could you help us get past this then? Discord listens to you more than any pony else,” Luna says, taking a swig. I can see that Luna’s actually drunk right now, and Celestia actually looks like she feels bad for once.

“Y’know what? You’re right! Let’s let Anon decide then! Should I prosecute them as a fine member of society?” Discord asks. I look at Luna, then Twilight, and stopped at Celestia. Well, Celestia looks like she actually learned her lesson already, if her ashamed eyes mean anything. Luna honestly just needs some AA group time, but it’s not really-

“Anon, we’ve been your bestest friend so far,” Luna says. I stop and deadpan at her. Seriously? “We would’ve done the same for you!” ... I can go ahead and tell that that’s a big fat lie. If that was the case, then she wouldn’t be here. She’d be in the fucking Pony- Bahamas. She also wouldn’t have allowed me in therapy. Twice. Celestia noticed my expression and grimaces.

“... Yyyeeeeaaaaah, Y’know Discord, I think it’d earn you some brownie points with the ponies here by upholding the law,” I say. “Though, quite frankly, I believe in ‘Eye for an Eye’, so if Luna’s found guilty, she has to attend AA meetings. Also, they don’t get to go to prison, that’d be a bit easy for them. Make them do community service.”

“Oh, well, community service doesn’t sound so-“

“Don’t let them stop until they have worked for every bit that they owe the Pony IRS due to tax fraud, combined,” I say. Discord pulls out a calculator as Twilight gasps.

“Anon! Don’t you know how long that might-“

“Twilight, it surely can’t be much. How many months? Ten? Eleven?” Luna asks.

“No, you’re a bit off by... a couple two hundreds,” Discord says. Luna reels back a bit, as does Celestia.

“Hold on, how much do we owe?” Celestia asks. Discord giggles and leans towards her ear. After he whispers the amount, Celestia’s eyes go wide. “T-that much? A-are you certain?” She asks.

“Oh yes, you see, you technically never paid the tax for a lot of resources you’ve used and since you’re not a princess, you’re not part of the government that doesn’t have to pay those taxes.”

“Wait, isn’t there a law about stuff like this?” Twilight asks. Discord chuckles and pulls out a briefcase, taking out a book labeled as ‘Deh Rools’. He opens the book and flips to a specific page, pointing at a tiny line. Celestia looks at it, and hums in interest.

“Hey Luna?” She asks. “Remember that one law we made as a joke about fifteen to twenty hundred years ago?”

“Uh... No?”

“Y’know, the one where we never thought we’d ever step down and made the law since we thought it would never affect us?”

“... Oh...” Luna says. Discord takes out a paw and snaps, making everything he brought in disappear.

“Great! So when should the trial commence?” Discord asks. I shrug.

“I don’t care, do what you want. I have more important things to do,” I say. Luna looks a bit hurt, but I’m sure she’ll understand once she sobers up. Celestia, on the other hand, is taking this rather maturely. Yes, she’s ashamed, but she’s trying not to make a scene of it as far as I can tell.

“Very well, I believe that’s fair,” she says. She looks at Luna, and covers her with a wing, who’s starting to cry. “... May I ask for one thing?”

“Ask Anon, not me, he’s the stringless puppeteer,” Discord says. She turns to me, with a frown.

“... Can you just punish me?” She asks. I quirk an eyebrow, putting out my cig.

“Come again?”

“Truth be told... When Luna did that therapy thing, it was mostly my fault. I knew she was drunk, and I should have stopped it. It’s more my fault than anything. She felt horrible afterwards,” Celestia says. She lowers her head in a way of bowing. “Please, I’ve done far more things wrong than she has towards you. Anon, she really is your friend, she vouches for you whenever you do something. I... I didn’t even give you proper care when you needed it. I made a bet with you, while you were homeless, and threatened you to go into a dungeon if you failed. I... I’m the one who’s truly unforgivable...” I look at Celestia for a minute, switching between her and her sniffling sister, who’s now really starting to show she’s drunk if the slurred incoherent words are anything to go by. I sigh, taking out a cigarette and lighting. I take in a drag and let it out slowly.

“... Fine. Luna needs to go to AA groups though, that’s not debatable. I’m not gonna forget the fact that she put me in a bad place because she was drunk. Also, she still doesn’t get her retirement plan until you’re done with her share of community service, which can be done before your service starts.” Celestia nods, still keeping a wing on her sister.

“Very good! Welp, I have stuff to do, and I’m sure Celestia does too,” Discord says, snapping. A portal opens underneath the two former princesses, who fall through with a yelp. Discord chuckles as the portal closes. “Thank you for the entertainment Anon, see you soon,” he says, snapping himself away. I puff out more smoke, a bit more forcefully this time as I sit back down in the chair. I didn’t even realize I got up at some point. Twilight looks over at me with a troubled expression.

“... I know she used to be your teacher and friend or whatever, but let’s be honest, she was a bitch,” I say.

“No, I... I respect your decision,” Twilight says. “I just... it’s rare to see you so... angry and yet calm.”

“What makes you think I’m angry?” I ask.

“... You weren’t very good at hiding it,” she says. I grimace as Twilight looks at me.

“Well, I got mad. What else is new?” I ask.

“... A-anyway, I suppose we should continue our tea time while we have it, yes?” Twilight asks, changing the subject.

“Yeah. Y’know, you’ve really changed Twilight,” I say. “Honestly I almost feel bad for calling you Bitchface for a while.” Twilight rolls her eyes, but smiles a little.

“Yes, I-“ Twilight is interrupted by a knock. Both of us look towards my right, out the window, to see a griffon with grey feathers and a saddle bag.

“Who the fuck?” I ask myself. Twilight’s eyes brighten up.

“Oh, that’s Spike’s friend, Gabby! She’s a mailmare from Griphon Stone,” Twilight says, quickly getting up and walking over. She opens the window, and Gabby flies in.

“Oh thanks Princess, I was starting to get cold and everything!” She says.

“Oh god she talks almost as fast as Pinkie,” I mutter. Gabby looks over at me and gasps excitedly.

“Oh! Oh! Hold right there!” She says. I take out my cig, puff out smoke, and quirk an eyebrow.

“Uh, alright?”

“Thanks! Princess, Spike sent another letter for you!” Gabby says, pulling out a scroll from her bag. “He said he only wrote a letter because his phone lost too Mapuche battery and-“

“Okay Gabby, I understand, thank you,” Twilight says. Gabby nods, salutes, and rushes to me.

“Oh my gosh, it’s so nice to meet you! You were The Knight of Manehatten ten years ago, right!?” She asks. I kinda lean back a bit at the gushing, but slowly nod.

“Uh, there were like, a couple hundred others, but yeah, I was one,” I say.

“No no, like, you were the one who convinced the soldiers to keep fighting and protect us! I was visiting my friend Babs Seed at the time, and then I couldn’t fly out of the city, and it was all so scary!” She says. Twilight, in the background, gives a quiet giggle as she sees me keep leaning away from Gabby, who is unintentionally leaning forward as she talks excitedly.

“Ah, well, yeah, I was that guy, but-“

“I just wanted to say thank you so much! I was especially happy earlier when this griffon had asked me to deliver a letter to you!” She says. I blink in surprise.

“Oh? Which griffon was it?” I ask. Gabby rummages through her bag before handing me a letter.

“It was from a griffon slightly older than me, I think his name was Maple?” She asks. My eyes go wide and J quickly take the letter and open it. It has been quite a while since Bacon and his family really talked to us. I mean, we get letters of how things are, but nothing in detail. However, I have never gotten a letter from Maple specifically. The last major thing I heard from them was Maple getting an internship in Canterlot for something. I think it had something to do with science or something. Their letter wasn’t very specific.

Dear Uncle Anon,

You won’t believe this! So, last year, after I turned 19, I had decided to apply for a job in Equestria, specifically in Manehatten. Recently, after various forms and certificates, I was given the job! I’ll tell you more details when I come over tomorrow, I hope I see you at the checkpoint before then! Oh, and can you ask Aunt Whisk if she could make her poppyseed chicken? It’s been forever since I had it!

Your Nephew, Maple.

PS: I already have an apartment to stay at for a while, so don’t worry about that stuff!

I read the letter silently, smiling with confusion. I mean, it’s great that he got a job, but what the hell could it be? I know Maple can’t cook very well, like me, but I also know there’s not much he’d do around here. Then again, we haven’t talked much recently, so I guess that I shouldn’t be surprised if he’s doing something I wasn’t aware of.

“Thanks, uh, Gabby was it?” I ask. She nods and quickly gives me a hug before running to the window.

“Best day ever!” She says to herself as she jumps out the window and flies off. I blink after her, then look at Twilight.

“That was weird,” I say. Twilight giggles.

“Yeah, Gabby’s a little strange, but she’s almost as friendly as Derpy,” she says.

“Heh, y’know, last I heard, Derpy’s daughter was heading to college,” I mention. Twilight walks over and sits back down, smiling as we return to having a normal god damn conversation for five seconds.

“Oh really? Where?” She asks.

“Eh, somewhere in Canterlot. Some British sounding name-“

“Was it Trotford?” She asks.

“Ah yes, Discount Oxford,” I say. “I would say Harvard, but Griffon Stone already has Halivard, which I kind of get because it almost sounds like Haliberd.”

“... I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Twilight says with a bit of confusion.

“Isn’t that normal for you?” I ask. Twilight giggles, nodding.

“Yes, I suppose,” she says. “Oh, and how’s Whisky?”

“Oh, she’s doing great! We uh, got hitched relatively recently,” I say, wiggling my ringed hand. Twilight smiles warmly.

“Oh! That’s great! How did you propose?” She asks, sipping her tea. I sip my coffee and answer.

“I didn’t. She proposed to me since she forgot to give me her valentines gift,” I say. Twilight almost chokes on her tea, coughing a bit.

“W-what?” She asks. “Hold on, wait, she-“

“Yeah, I don’t get it either. I mean, we already live together, so-“

“Wait wait, how does any of that work!?” Twilight asks. I shrug.

“I dunno, and I don’t care. Quite frankly, I’m just glad she’s happy, as silly as she is.” I take a sip of coffee as Twilight sighs.

“You are still so strange Anon,” she says. “... I have a question.”

“If it’s a stupid question, you’re getting a stupid answer,” I say, sipping my coffee for the last time before realizing it’s empty now.

“... Could you help me with a dispute?” She asks. I slowly take a long drag from my cig. Breathing out, I sigh at the same time.

“If it’s something stupid-“

“Well, remember how you compare Cozy’s War to World War One?” She interjects. I quirk an eyebrow and nod slowly. “How did your Second World War Start?”

“Uh... technically a culmination of a bunch of things, one thing was that they started trying to pull Germany into debt. Then, the Allies were all .... You know what, I’m not explaining that rabbit hole. The point is, there was a senseless and easily unstable cycle to continue peace, which was fucking pointless since it just pissed people off even more,” I explain.

“I thought so. So tell me-“ Twilight stops to put a paper in front me. I look at the paper in confusion, picking it up. The first line certainly has my attention.

I agree that all responses and comments I make within the civil court of Equestria, regarding diplomats and international disputes are all my conscious and sound doing.

I skip a lot of the jargon in the middle of the contract and look at the bottom, seeing where I’m supposed to sign.

“How would you like to stop a second war before it even begins?” Twilight asks. “I’m only a princess from Equestria, the forces we fought, other than the Crystal Empire, is wanting to pursue financial action against the Minotaur Kindom.” I slowly look up.

“So, you want me to sort out a political mess, with my choice of words?” I ask. Twilight nods. “If I sign this, I can say anything I want?”

“Technically, yes, but if any of them are offended, it does not affect Equestria. I almost decided to tear it up until Discord mentioned you’re affected by the law for endangered species.”

“... The war ended ten years ago, why haven’t they said anything until now?” I ask, puffing out some smoke.

“No, they’ve been fighting for it, we keep postponing the final judgement. The act of indebting has been tossed around for the past five years, after my coronation. I suppose they think I’m more easily persuaded than Celestia or Luna, so they brought it up again,” Twilight explains. I hum.

“But I can say anything I want?” I double check. Twilight giggles, nodding.

“It never stopped you before, so I might as well just allow it,” she says. I look at the contract, giving a puff of smoke before humming.

“Well are you gonna give me a pen, or am I gonna have to use my blood?” I ask, smiling a bit. This is certainly gonna be more fun than I’ve had in... fuckin’ years... oh God, I might have to rehearse...

One Hour Later...

Various creatures, such as Minotaurs, hippogriffs, griffons, yaks, dragons, and even moose, sit around a big table in a meeting room. The table is wooden, and the floor is carpeted with a velvet color. The wall is a blank creamy white, with almost no detail added to it at all. The perfect board-meeting-room. Mostly because it’s boring. Perfect for international disputes regarding major wars. Everyone is arguing with each other, talking over each other, and generally being loud. However, it all suddenly stops as the door bursts open, making everyone snap to attention and look over at the source of the outburst, only to see me.

“Ah! Anonymous!” One griffon, who I recognize as Dreamfeather, who sits beside Windfall, brightens up as he sees me. “It’s been a while! I would talk with you, but-“

“Everyone shut up!” I call, walking in. I take out a cig, light it, and start smoking as I actually climb onto the table, surprising various creatures. “I heard the problem, and I’mma nip it in the bud!” I point to the Minotaurs. “You did horrible shit, but you were forced to, and y’all stood up for Equestria in the end, y’all are fine.” I turn to the others, taking a drag. “Now, griffons, I understand why you’re pissed, but the pony responsible already taken care of, so shut the fuck up.” I turn to the Hippogriffs. “Half of you were fighting us, so if the Minotaurs are in debt, so should you, otherwise, y’all are fucking jackasses towards everyone by insulting their intelligence.” I turn to the yaks. “I honestly don’t think you even realize what’s going on, you’re just here because people are yelling all the fucking time.”

“Best human knows yaks well! Yaks have fun!” The yaks, all together cheer and laugh heartily in response. I nod safely, puffing out some smoke. I turn to the moose.

“I don’t even know why the fuck y’all are here, you didn’t even really participate in the war. So fuck you in general, fucking assholes,” I say, drawing gasps of shock from them. “Oh shut the fuck up and grow a pair.” I turn to the dragons, finally noticing Ember with the diplomats. “Do I even need to lecture you?” I ask.

“Hey, we’re not arguing or anything, we’re cool!” Ember says defensively. I simply give her a ‘I’m watching you’ gesture with my hands and turn around.

“Alright, I’m gonna recap everything I’ve just said, alright!?” I yell. I start pointing as I go through the line. “Fuck you, fuck you, double fuck you, you shouldn’t be here since you’re fine, don’t do stupid shit, same goes for you, and fuck y’all I’m out.” With that, I jump off the table, flick away the remnants of my cigarette, and walk out as everyone stares after me. After a couple minutes of stunned silence, Twilight finally walks in, looking around.

“Did Anon already leave?” She asks.

“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!!!” One moose says. “I AM ABSOLUTELY OUTRAGED AT THAT- THAT SCENE!!!”

“What? Anon?” Twilight asks, casually and calmly taking a seat.

“Of course! That thing had no right to insult us like that! We demand to-“

“You can’t do anything to him. He’s an endangered species,” Twilight says with a smile, making almost everyone stop and stare at Twilight in either amazement or surprise.

“Then we hold you responsible, and demand compen-“

“No, I’m afraid that’s not possible either,” Twilight says, pulling out a signed contract. “See, Anon had signed a contract that anything he said will not be taken as personal opinions from Equestria. Therefore, we are not responsible, and if you try to pursue legal action towards Anon, we will have to step in and fine you for harming the well being of an endangered species’ financial, mental, or physical status. And believe me, we don’t take such things lightly.” The moose scoffs and glares at Twilight before backing down.

“Best Human was funny!” One of the yaks yells randomly, breaking the suspense. Everyone almost immediately relaxed a bit more.

“I admit, I did not expect that,” Windfall mentions. “The gall he had to spit insults right at my face, I admit, not many possess such an ability, especially when they know who I am.”

“Anon is certainly a character,” Dreamfeather agrees. “It’s good to see he hasn’t changed.”

“Indeed...” A hippogriff says, a bit nervously, taking a moment to listen to another hippogriff tell them something quietly. “... I uh, suppose we should get this meeting over with... I believe I speak on behalf of the hippogriffian nation when I say that uh, we no longer wish to take action against the Minotaurs.”

“I am heavily tempted to spite that human, Windfall says. “However, as entertaining as he is, he was right. I suppose the one truly responsible was dealt with. I believe you said she turned to stone, correct?” He asks. Twilight coughs a bit, nodding.

“Yes, she was turned to stone. We keep a regular guard watch on her statue within Canterlot.” Twilight stops to cough, though a bit more forceful this time. “Sorry, my allergies have been acting up.” The griffons nod.

“Yes, I understand. Dreamfeather has been experiencing such problems ever since summer started. He’s allergic to some of the flowers here,” Windfall says.

“The moose would still like to take action!” A moose yells out. Windfall huffs.

“As the human said, you took no part in the war. You even thought of supporting the Minotaurs, last I heard,” he says. He narrows his eyes at the now nervous moose.

“E-erm, well-“ A different moose leans over to his friend and quietly says something. “... Very well, we shall eh, say nothing...”

“Is everyone in agreement? No action is to be taken?” Twilight asks with a bit of hope in her voice. Seeing no one protest, she smiles widely. “Very well, meeting adjourned!” With that, individually gets up and shuffle out the door, most of which aren’t entirely sure what they just witnessed... At least the yaks are having fun.

Non-Canon Ch2: If You Do The Fuckin’ Thing...

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Non-Canon Ch3: ... And You Don’t Fuck It Up....

I wake up with Whisk against me, like I’m hugging a teddy bear. A warm, feathery and furry teddy bear. We always cuddle, but it’s always nice... until the fucking alarm sounds out. I softly groan in annoyance and reach out to hit snooze on the clock, only to realize it’s not my alarm. I look around in confusion before remembering Maple’s in the guest room. I hear the alarm turn off and a door open. I decide to shrug it off, and think he’s just an early riser. I don’t have to wake up until- I look at the digital clock... Ten minutes from now... Ten minutes sounds good. I return to my original position, comfy and warm in my bed. I ain’t got shit to do in the next ten minutes, so I’m not gonna do anything.

“Ow, shhhhhhoot!” I hear Maple quietly say. I frown and slowly open my eyes, deadpanning at the wall ahead of me. “No no no- don’t spill-“ Yep, I’m gonna have to get up. I carefully let go of Whisk and get out of bed. I put on some fluffy plaid slippers and silently leave the room. I walk down the hallway, which is a dull blue, and see the kitchen light is on. “Okay, right, bacon, eggs, and uhhhh, cheese!”

“What’re you doing?” I ask, entering the kitchen. I catch Maple in the middle of frying some bacon on one pan, some eggs on another, and buttered bread on a third. Maple yelps and looks around to see me.

“O-oh, sorry uncle, I was trying to cook breakfast for myself quietly,” he says. I glance at the ingredients.

“... Is that for a bacon egg and cheese sandwich?” I ask.

“Yeah,” Maple says. I nod.

“Tell you what, after you’re done, I’ll cook some for Whisk and I, and we can talk while I cook, okay?” I ask. Maple smiles and nods. “Cool. So, how were your last years in high school?” Maple chuckles.

“Uh, where to start. I had a crush, went on a date, Garlic Garden’s forbidden from me now-“ He stops to look at me. “Don’t ask.” I laugh at that.

“Who was the lucky gal?” I ask. Maple rolls his eyes.

“Don’t get me started. She was a rich kid who thought I was stupid. I almost felt guilty for dumping her, but she had another boyfriend in a week.” Maple puts the cooked ingredients together to make his sandwich, and I start cooking my own.

“I’d say that’s rough, but that’s tons better than my first girlfriend,” I say. “Hey, how’re you’re parents?” Maple kind of freezes up at that, but takes a nervous bite out of his sandwich.

“Well, um...” he sighs. “It’s a... kinda long story...” I look behind myself to see him looking uncomfortable.

“... What happened?” I ask. He gives a hollow laugh.

“Ha, uh, they just... Well, they don’t get along anymore. They’re being more and more distant with each other...” Maple says. “Mom calls my dad too soft, dad calls my mom too harsh... I got really tired of hearing it, and decided to try and move out as quickly as I could.” I turn off the oven and turn around to fully face him. “Uh, I guess when I took the Equestrian position, I might’ve thought about that...”

“Hey, hey, look at me,” I say. Maple looks up, and he’s near to tears. He might be over eighteen, but I can still see he’s still a kid under it all. Not naive, mind you, but he’s not entirely ready for the real world just yet. “I can kind of understand, you needed space, right?” He nods. “And I imagine you think your parents do too, right?” He nods again. “Okay. Well, you know you’re always going to be welcomed here, so stay as long as you want.” Maple smiles.

“Thanks, but I do have an apartment in the city. Don’t worry, I’ve got my phone with me, so I’ll call you if I need help,” he says. I nod.

“Good. Now-“ I turn the stove back on. “Go to the living room, pick a channel to watch, and I’ll be with you, okie dokie?” I ask. He chuckles.

“Okie-Dokie? Since when have you ever said that?” He asks. I laugh.

“Experience my boy, and a lot of it...”

Maple, Whisk, and I sit on the couch in the living room, watching the news. “Police are reporting to be warey of alligators with hair driers from the local sewers,” the reporter says. “In other news, a bandit has been giving local doves tiny knitted hats. No one knows why.”

“His goals are beyond our understanding,” I say under my breath. I look at the time and my eyes widen. “Shoot, I’m almost late.” I get up and look myself over. White t-shirt, plaid boxers, and if I put on the coat, I’d look like a total hobo... Fuck it, I’ve done worse. I get up and put on my coat and hat.

“Um, honey, I know you’re almost late, but don’t you normally wear a red shirt and some pants?” Whisk asks.

“I’m gonna make Yoda look like a professional businessman, I’ve got a job interview to do, and I want anyone that’s not up to it to leave. In any case, love y’all,” I say. With that, I put on my slippers and walk out. Maple looks on with confusion.

“... My uncle’s the best,” he figures, chuckling as he continues watching the news.

I walk down the streets of Manehatten, and onto the premise of the Manehatten Border Checkpoint. Of course, my first stop is the business building. I remember telling Thin Page to come in this morning, I bet Clipper’s having a stroke at how smelly the griffon is. I open the door just in time to see Clipper hitting Page over the head with a clipboard. “Mr Anon is not nearly as bad as you think he is you oaf!”

“Settle down Clipper, I’m not worth fighting over,” I call. Clipper sighs, turning to me.

“See? Mr Anon is a professional, competent, well educated-... Why do you look like a homeless pony Mr Anon?” Clipper asks as Page chuckles.

“Didn’t feel like dressing today. I figured I’d get that crazy-old-sensei vibe. In any case, come with me Page,” I say.

“What, not gonna sell me a watch?” He asks. I open my mouth to retort, but close it.

“... Touché smartass,” I say. “But no, let’s go to my office. I want to talk to you before I tell you what’s up.” We walk into my office, I sit him down on a chair. As I sit down, I start talking. “Alright, so here’s the gig. I want you to take part in an interview I’m conducting. You’ll be interviewed along with other ponies also applying for the job. See, when the last inspector was employed, he was taken off the streets and told to do his best. Now, I have a special feeling about you, but unlike Celestia, I’m not gonna just throw a dirty hobo from the streets into a booth and call it a day.” I withhold the information about me being that homeless guy to make sure he doesn’t see me as a way of taking advantage.

“Okay, so what if I win this bet of yours?” He asks.

“You get a relatively stable job with certain benefits,” I answer. “Benefits that aren’t offered by many other businesses.” Page nods.

“Okay, and if I lose, I get that bag of money you kept shoving into me, out of damage to my pride?” He asks. I nod.

“Yep. You get that money like a little bitch.”

“... Alright, sounds fair, I’ll try,” he says. I nod.

“Good. Now, tell me about yourself,” I say. He looks up in thought.

“Uh, born in Griffon Stone, my dad ran away when I was five, my sister and my mom took care of me for a good while, they kicked me the buck out, I thought I’d find opportunity in Equestria, turns out ponies are really bucking racist, and then some weird shithead found me from another failed job and offered a ridiculously good sounding bet,” Page says. He narrows his eyes at me “Now that I answered that question, I wanna ask one too. What’s the real catch to all this? No one just offers a job out of the goodness of their heart. Especially not to some random stranger off the street.” I look at him for a minute before laughing.

“You’re sharp, huh? You’re right. I didn’t do it out of pure goodness. I did it because you remind me of someone I once was. Call it a hunch, but I feel like you need this.” Page scoffs at me.

“I’m the one that needs it? Sure, okay buddy,” he says. “I call bullshit on that, but I’ll see where this goes. I’ve got nothing better to do.” I give a small smile.

“Good. I’m sure you’ll love it here. Now, wait in the lobby, I’ll-“ I’m interrupted by Clipper walking in.

“Excuse me sir, the candidates are here.”

“Oh... well then, never mind, come on,” I say. We walk out into the lobby. There, seven ponies sit around. Some are old, some are young, but they all look professional compared to Page. Page looks at me with a deadpan expression. I smile. “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll do fine.” He rolls his eyes.

“Now I don’t know why I bothered,” he says, sitting down.

“Alright everyone,” I say, getting everyone’s attention. “I’m about to start the interview, so please get in a-... Fuck it, I’m pulling you guys up randomly. Basically, answer honestly and be prepared. I’m not gonna ask everyone the same questions, except for the first three. Capiche?” One hoof comes up. “What?”

“Um, why are you wearing thin plaid shorts?” A pony asks. I look down, remembering I’m technically still in my pajamas.

“... These are not shorts, these are boxers. They’re like fur for covering up the private bits,” I explain. Everyone’s face twists into confusion and slight disgust. “Alright, eenie meanie, fuck no, you,” I say, pointing at the nearest stallion. He has a pale green coat with a dull blue mane.

“Uh, okay,” he says. Now, let the trials commence.

“Alright,” I say, sitting down. “First question, what’s the highest education you’ve got?” The stallion beams.

“Oh, I graduated from Hayvord University!” He says proudly. I hum in acknowledgement.

“Alright. Second question, how good are you under pressure?” I ask.

“I’d like to think I’m pretty good,” he says. I nod,

“Alright. Third question, how do you feel about long hours?” I ask. He smiles.

“I’ve worked long hours before, especially on group projects and in retail,” he says. I nod.

“Final random question. Picture this, you’re working in a small booth. The smell is horrid, you’re tired, and suddenly, a person comes in. You notice that it’s closing time, but this person, in this case, a minotaur, wants to enter.” I cross my arms. “What do you do?” I ask.

“Turn them away of course,” he says. “They should’ve gotten there sooner if they wanted to pass.” I hum.

“Alright. Thanks for your time, we’ll contact you if you got the job.” I hope to fuck this guy doesn’t rely on getting this job.

“Thank you! Hope to see you soon!” He says.

The next interviewee has about the same shtick. College education, thinks they’re good under pressure, and are okay with long hours. However, they seem to be a bit impatient, even going as far as to tell me to hurry up.

I look up. “Alright, final question. You’re trying to get home, but you see a passed out pony on the street. What do you do?” I ask. The mare Ikm interviewing clears her throat.

“I would contact the police and let them handle it,” she says.

“... And?” I ask.

“Well, there shouldn’t be anything else for me to do, the police should handle it,” she says. I hum.

“Well then, thanks for your time. We’ll contact you if you got the job,” I say.

“Finally,” she mutters, leaving.

“Impatient bitch- Next up, the uh, blue guy!”

The next interviewee is a bit different. Graduated high school, decent under pressure, a little miffed by long hours. I do notice how he mentioned how he mentioned that this job’s payout is higher than he expected.

“Okay, final question. A cloaked pony walks up. He asks you to deliver a poison to someone at a water purification plant. If you do, he’d pay you. He reassures you that it won’t hurt anyone, it’s for rats. How would you respond?” I ask. The pony chuckles.

“Isn’t it obvious? The guy says its fine, so it has to be fine.” I hum at his response. Fucking idiot.

“We’ll contact you if you’re qualified. Thanks for your time,” I say. With that, as the guy exits, I stop to face palm in sigh. “Fuck that guy.”

The next interviewee is another stallion who looks a bit rough around the edges. His responses were short and on point. He graduated high school, he’s good under pressure, and he doesn’t care about long hours. He seems really tough.

“Alright, final question. A mugger tries to mug you in the middle of the night. He holds you at knife point. He tells you to just hand everything over, and no one gets hurt. What do you do?” I ask.

“... I can say anything, right?” He asks. I nod. “... I tell him to put the knife down, he’s right. No one has tog get hurt. I can lend him my bits, I currently don’t really need money. But if he tries to take any more from me, I will not hesitate to bring him down myself.” I nod. That’s actually a fairly decent response. Page has some competition.

“Alright. Thanks for your time. I’d like you to go find a pony named Spearhead. Tell him I asked you to wait with him. He should be somewhere in the courtyard. If not, ask around.” The pony nods.

“Thank you,” he says, getting up to leave.

The next pony to come in, is grinning. “Let’s cut to the chase,” he says with a British accent. “I have the bits, and this dump could use it. So how about-“

“Get the fuck out. This isn’t an EA Game,” I say. He gasps.

“Excuse me?! I’ll have you know-“

“And I’ll have you know that I could not care less, even if I tried,” I say. “Now get out.” The pony scoffs and leaves. Alright, four more to go.

The next pony to come in, looks like a cheerful mare. I sigh. “Alright, highest education?” I ask.

“High school, I dropped out of college,” she says. I nod.

“Alright, how well do you do under pressure?” I ask. The mare smiles.

“Absolutely horrible when it comes to paperwork!” She says. I blink.

“... Okay. How do you feel about long hours?” I ask.

“Mostly fine, as long as I’m doing something!” She says. I hum.

“Alright. Final question. A door is jammed shut, ponies are trapped inside a room where there’s an electrical emergency of some kind. What do you do?” I ask.

“Oh! I’ve been through that before!” She says. “I find the fuse box outside the building, turn off the power, and then fix the door!” She says excitedly.

“... Okay. Let me ask a different way. What if you were trapped inside instead?” I rephrase. The mare pauses.

“Uh... I think I’d make sure everyone was safe. What kind of room is it?” To that, I smirk. She’s first pony to ask me to clarify something about the situation. I won’t hire her for Inspector, I don’t think she’d be able to handle that.

“I’ve got a better question. Is there any other position you’re interested in?” I ask. She blinks in surprise.

“What?”

“Well, I can’t give you the Inspector’s job. It gets overwhelming. But, you look like you’ve got a bit of potential, so go talk to the secretary, Clipper, and see what other jobs you’d like to take. I can probably get you some training to fully qualify,” I say. The mare smiles widely.

“Oh! Thank you so much! I won’t let you down!” She says. With that, she walks out and I can hear her talk to Clipper.

“Alright, whoever wants to go next can come in!” I call. The next pony to come in is a familiar face. “Steve?” I ask. Steve, now with bright blue and dark blue paint, gives a mechanical wave.

“Hi human!” He says.

“What- since when did you get here?” I ask.

“Oh, two of the ponies left, something about a schedule, so I offered to fill in!” He says robotically.

“Uh, this is a job interview Steve,” I explain.

“Oh, a jooob interview?” He asks. “I have heard about such things. Tell me, has it been proceeding well?”

“Uh, I guess. Are you here to apply?” I ask. He mechanically laughs.

“Ha Ha, no silly human! My creator said I should explore around for a bit to see if anything’s changed!” He says.

“... Okay... so why’re you still here?” I ask.

“To finish this lovely chat!” He says.

“... Uh, I’m kind of busy,” I say. He nods.

“Very well then! I hope to see you again!” With that, the robot walks out.

“... Welp, that happened,” I say to myself. “Uh, is anyone left?” To answer my question, Page walks through the door, confused.

“Was... was that a robot pony?” He asks. I shrug.

“It’s not the weirdest you’ll see. I met Cthulhu once. Nice squid,” I say. Page looks at me, trying to see if I’m sarcastic.

“... Shit, you’re serious,” he says. I nod.

“Alright, you’re the last guy. First question, what’s your highest education?” I ask. He sighs.

“I dropped out of high school around twelfth grade, so... I guess none?” He asks. I hum.

“Can you read?” I ask. He scoffs.

“Bitch please, I can read better than everyone I’ve ever known. I used to love reading dinosaur books, where the names just get ridiculously long and complicated,” he says, chuckling. “Nowadays, I’d consider myself pretty good at reading.”

“Alright, are you good under pressure?” I ask.

“Uh, I guess so. I mean, I only dropped out of high school because it wasn’t paying the bills... and my mom wasn’t any help,” he mutters. I ignore that comment, and go to the next question.

“Would you be okay with long and grueling hours,” I ask. He scoffs.

“You’re talking to a bucking homeless person. What could I possibly be doing other than sitting around in a shack and starving?” He asks. I shrug.

“Weed, drugs, alcohol, you name it,” I say. He laughs.

“Alright then, yeah, I’m good with long hours.” I nod, leaning back.

“Final question, are you ready?” I ask. He nods. So far, this is the question that will really determine whether or not I’ll let him work here. “Picture this, you’re in a strange place. At first, you had to live on your own, where no one will help you. People have torn your home down two or three times, so you decide to room with someone you know. You don’t necessarily like that person, but they put up with you enough to let you stay at their place. One day, they said something out of context, and everyone who heard it used the worst context they could think of and turn it against you, using it as an excuse to get rid of you.” I look at Page, only to see the griffon’s eyes are focused on mine. I can see a lot of gears turning, a lot of thoughts flying around. “Basically, everyone’s against you, and wants you to leave. What do you do?” I ask.

“... I would think of the worst things I could do,” he starts. “I would think of what I haven’t done, think of what I could do to make sure that if they thought I was as bad as they think I am, then I would give them a reason to.” I keep a stoic face as I hear this. “... But I would think that it’s pointless. They’d probably hate me no matter what. So, if they want me to leave, buck it. I’ll bucking leave.” He looks down, and I can see he stopped talking about my scenario. “If they don’t want my help, fine. Let them suffer. It won’t be my problem anymore.” I can tell he’s picturing someone as he talks, someone to focus his anger on... I smile and clap, bringing him out of his daydream.

“Welp! Get up, it’s time to work,” I say. He blinks.

“Uh, what?” He asks. As I walk by, I pat his back.

“I said come on. You’ve got work to do. The real test begins kiddo,” I say. He grunts as he gets up.

“I’m not a kid, I’m nineteen,” he grumbles.

“Did I fucking stutter?” I ask, leading him. As we walk, Clipper waves bye to us as we walk out. “Okay, first thing to know, the work station is that building over there,” I say, pointing at my regular office. Page scoffs.

“I thought that was a janitor’s closet,” he says. I laugh.

“If only,” I say. “Now, when it comes to this job, you will be stamping papers,” I say. Page quirks an eyebrow.

“Papers? So, am I a secretary or something? You said I was ‘inspecting’ something but-” He stops as I shake my head and take out a cigarette and light it.

“Nope. Passport inspector,” I say. Page’s eyes widen.

“Ex-bucking-scuse me?! You pulled a random homeless griffon off the streets to be-“

“Hey, the last guy we pulled was a fuckin’ great inspector. Worked here for eleven or twelve years, stopped a war, so on and so forth,” I say. Page scoffs.

“Wait, don’t tell me, is it the Knight of Manehatten?” He asks. I scoff in turn.

“Trust me, he ain’t anything like a knight,” I say.

“I bet he’s some pretentious asshole,” Page says. I laugh loudly.

“You know, sometimes he is,” I admit. “Today he isn’t working. Give me a sec to get the sub.” I open the door, to the surprise of a pony inside. As I close the door behind me, the substitute turns to me in the swivel chair. This sub is an older stallion, Grey with a black swirly moustache, a short grey mane and a monocle.

“Oh, Mr Anon, what a surprise! I thought you wouldn’t be working today?” The pony asks as I walk up to the desk.

“Oh, I’m not, but I got a candidate here and I wanna see if he’s as good as I am,” I say. The pony sputters.

“Good as- surely you’re joking!” He exclaims. “I’ve worked here for twenty years sir, and despite how you’ve worked half as long, you haven’t even reached a quarter of the mistakes I’ve made!” I lean back.

“Did you actually count how many-“

“It’s on record sir, every passport inspector has a record,” he says. I blink.

“... Since when?!” I ask.

“Since Nineteen-X-X-X-I-“

“Just say the fuckin’ year, we got rid of the numerals for a reason,” I groan.

“Erm, since nineteen-thirty-four sir,” he says. I shake my head.

“Why didn’t anyone tell me this kinda shit?” I ask. The sub shrugs.

“We thought you knew.” I sigh, face palming.

“Okay, well, nonetheless, you can go home early today,” I say. The sub smiles.

“Very well! Have a good day!” He says. He packs up a couple things in a saddle bag, sling it over his shoulder and quickly walks out.

“Come on in Page! The office is ready for you,” I call. Page walks in, and shivers.

“What the hell? Why is it so cold in here?” He asks.

“To beat out the summer heat. Sometimes, the winters aren’t cold enough to warrant the AC turning down. Here-“ I take off my hat and pluck it onto Page’s head. “It’s all I can give you for now. Keep it until you can afford your own hat, alright kid?” He huffs.

“Bucker, I’m-“

“One other thing, because it’s annoying me, say ‘fuck’ instead of ‘buck’,” I say. He frowns.

“And why the hell should I?”

“It rolls off the tongue a bit easier,” I say. He looks at me in confusion before humming.

“Fuck?... You’re right, it does roll off the tongue,” he notes. “So, what’s next?” He asks, sitting in the swivel seat.

“Next, you read the rulebook, take note of what’s in the drawers, and get started. I’ll be back to see if you’ve gotten any pink slips for mistakes. Depending on how well you do, I’ll decide whether or not to keep you around. Sound simple enough?” I ask. Page looks at the desk in front of him, eyeing over the buttons, levers, my radio, and the mic. His eyes land on a picture frame I forgot to take. It’s the picture of me and Whisk, from some time ago.

“... Wait, that’s you,” he says, taking the picture. “Wait a minute... this is you’re fucking office. And what’s more-“ He stops to point at me in the pic. “I bet you could see your feet!” I look at the picture... I look at myself... I look at him with a smirk.

“Ha Ha smartass, keep it up if you think you ain’t gonna catch these hands,” I say. He snickers as he opens up the rulebook. He slowly frowns.

“Wait, there’s like- how many fucking rules are- Diplomat seals!? The fuck?” He asks. I turn, puffing up some smoke.

“Welp, you look like you’ve got this under control. See you around lunchtime kid,” I say, walking out. With that, I close the door and simply walk back to the office building. As I walk in, I pass the excited mare I interviewed earlier, who was following a guard somewhere. Must’ve found something to do. When I walk back to my desk in my office, I get out a spare radio I keep for emergencies. In this case, I’m just too lazy to go find Spearhead. “Hey, Spearhead, this is Anon. Two things. One, there should be a pretty stoic as fuck guy I directed to you. Try to see if you can convince him to join the local guard. Two, I left my radio with the candidate that’s taking over my position for today. Just FYI.” With that, I lean back. I don’t need to do any paperwork until around ten or eleven, so I’m just gonna take a nap for now...

Meanwhile

Thin Page looks at the list of rules incredulously. “Why... why is there a rule about trombones!? What the fuck is even half of-“ he stops to take a breath. “Right, fucker threw me into the deep end. You know what? Fuck it, if he wanted me to succeed, he should’ve fuckin’ explained this shit to me personally,” he mutters. He takes a moment to look at the rulebook’s description of all the buttons. “Right so... this is for x-rays... this is for detaining... and uh... this is for the mic? No, that’s uh... fuck, uh... that’s for prints and printing. Right. Okay, simple enough,” he mutters. He looks at the clock. “I should probably start... Fuck it, here goes nothing.” He presses the mic button... only to find that’s the finerprint button. “Oh fuck off-“ he looks at the book again. “... Oh! This button- um, next,” he says into the mic.

The next entrant is a light blue unicorn. “Hark, the Great and Poweful Trixie has finally arrived!” The entrant says. She looks to see Page, and frowns. “Oh, you’re not the human.”

“No, I’m not. Papers please,” Page says. Trixie huffs.

“Are you not amazed by my amazing and astounding presence!?” Trixie asks.

“I’m more amazed by how you haven’t given me your passport yet,” Page notes.

“Of course you’re amazed! Because the Great and Powerful-“

“Will you give me the damn papers?” Page asks. “I don’t think I have time to play with parlor tricks.” Trixie smiles.

“So you know of Trixie’s amazing magic tricks?” She asks.

“I’m going to kick you the fuck out if you don’t give me your passport,” Page deadpans. Trixie sighs.

“Very well Trixie shall grant your request,” she says. She levitates her passport to Page, who looks through it.

“... Your weight is drawn in crayon,” Page mutters. He looks up to see that Trixie’s weight exceeds what her passport says. “Why is your weight off by fifty pounds?” he asks.

“Trixie is sure the scale had something against her!” Trixie replies. “Obviously, Trixie is slim, and a Trixie knows herself well!”

“... Sounds like denial to me, but okay,” Page says.

“T-Trixie is not in denial!” She says.

“Sure. Turn for the scanner,” Page says. He presses a button.... only for an alarm to ring. “SHIT-“ he presses it again, which luckily turns it off. “Fuckin’ too many button-“ he grumbles as he looks at the buttons before pressing the x-ray button. The shutters come down, a couple clicks are heard, and a picture is printed out.

“Trixie feels like this is excessive,” she says.

“And Thin Page says this is procedure because someone had to redraw their weight’s number in crayon, which Page thinks is stupid as fuck,” Page says. He looks at the photo. “... Yep, not carrying weapons, just denial.” Trixie fumes at Page as he stamps her papers green. “Now fuck off,” he says, handing her papers back. Trixie huffs as she takes her papers back and leaves. Page smiles. “You know, I think I might actually like it here,” he mutters to himself. He leans towards the mic. “Next!” He calls.

I puff out some smoke as I come up to Spearhead on a courtyard away from the office building. After I got a good bit of paperwork done, I decided to visit Spearhead to see how things are going for a break. He’s busy talking to that guy I sent over earlier. “... And most importantly, never choose the breadsticks. They might taste good, but it’s not worth what they do to your stomach.” Spearhead looks up and notices me coming over. “Oh, hey Anon. I just got a new recruit.” I snicker as the stallion turns to me.

“Sorry, I was offered a spot, as long as I go through training and boot camp here,” he explains.

“No problem, I had a feeling this was more up to your speed,” I say. I breathe in some smoke and puff it out as I turn back to Spearhead. “I found a new sub.”

“Oh, really? I thought you’d take a little longer,” Spearhead notes.

“Well, he’s got potential, and an attitude I like. He reminds me of me,” I say.

“How?” He asks.

“He’s a homeless griffon I pulled off the street,” I say. To this, Spearhead and the stallion look at me in shock.

“He’s what?” Spearhead asks.

“Homeless,” I reply. Spearhead looks down in thought.

“... Well, if he’s a friend of yours, then I guess-“

“I met him yesterday,” I say, giving a small smirk.

“.... I can’t tell if I should be worried, or angry,” Spearhead says.

“Eh, don’t worry about it. He’s a lot like me, so I’m sure it’ll be relatively-“ I’m cut off by a sudden feedback from Spearhead’s radio.

“Uh, Butter-Armored Guard, there’s someone that wants to talk to my manager,” Page’s voice says. I sigh, looking at the time on my phone. It’s almost noon, so now’s a pretty good time to check in on him anyway.

“Tell him I’m coming,” I say, turning and walking away. As I walk, I hear Spearhead chuckle a little as he walks by my side.

“He’s coming,” he says to the radio. The stallion follows behind us, curious to see what happens.

As I walk up, I motion for the others to stay back for a bit. “I wanna see if I can sort it out by myself,” I say. I open the door, and head in. Inside, Page is flipping off a turquoise-ish pony that’s fuming.

“I have a passport! You have to let me pass!” She yells.

“The only thing I have to do is sit here until my boss says otherwise bitch,” He replies.

“Alright, alright, what’s the problem?” I ask. The pony, who’s blond-ish pink hair is an eyesore, looks over and smiles.

“Yes, the manager! See, this rude and absolutely barbaric griffon says that I can’t pass because of a ridiculous reason!” She says. I hum.

“Hey, Page, can I see her passport?” I ask. He shrugs and hands it to me. I take it, open it, and look it over. “... Uh, why does the stamp have ‘Pre-Approval’ on it?” I ask.

“Because I’m high class and special, unlike filth like him,” the mare says, pointing at Page. I hum.

“Oh, you’re special alright,” I say, earning a snicker from Page as I take out the rulebook. Honestly, higher-ups could’ve made a rule change and completely go over my head, making what she says viable. However, I can’t seem to find such a rule.

“Excuse me!? What’s that supposed to mean?” The mare asks accusingly. I flip through the book.

“It means... that I hear a bitch-ass liar,” I say, putting the book down. “Pre-Approvals don’t exist. Thus, since the passport’s stamp-indicator’s tampered with, you have earned an automatic denial.” The mare sputters.

“B-but- but- I’ll sue!” She threatens.

“Oh? You’ll sue me? In the land you illegally tried to enter by using a fake passport?” I ask. She gulps.

“H-how do you know it’s fake?” She asks. I scoff.

“You aren’t tactful, from what I’ve seen, and anyone with two brain cells to rub together would know that once you’re caught, you can’t back out. So, either you’re a surprisingly good forger with knowledge about official documents and access to government-owned ink stamps, which would be held against you as illegal ownership or abuse of such items, or you asked someone else to do it. So, do you wanna press this issue even further, or do you wanna leave? I’m feeling generous today,” I say. She huffs, glaring.

“Fine, I’m leaving!” She says, before storming off. I flip her off as she leaves. The door opens, and I look over to see Page trying to leave.

“Where are you going?” I ask. “Thought you were okay with this job?” He sighs, turning to me.

“What, like you’re not mad at me for not handling that?” He asks. I shrug.

“I think you handled it pretty well,” I say. He quirks an eyebrow.

“... No lecture? No ‘You should’ve been nicer’ speak?” He asks. I cross my arms.

“Damn, was I nice to her? Must be losing my touch,” I say. Page closes the door, walking back to me.

“Uh, you know, usually this is the part where ponies fire me,” he says.

“No, this is the part where I look to see if you’ve made any mistakes,” I say. I look around, and notice that the trash bin has a card in it. I pick it up. “The fuck is-“ I immediately drop it back into the bin when something not safe for work greeted my gaze. “.... Anyway, did you get any pink slips?” I ask Page.

“Pink slips? What are they for?” He asks. I hum as I check the drawers. No slips. I nod.

“Alright, so, I can’t take you in as a substitute,” I say. Page deadpans.

“Are you fucking-“

“I’m gonna have to hire you as an official Jr Border Inspector. It pays more, you’ll be taking over half the week, a full twelve hours of papers and bullshit like this,” I say. Page’s eyes widen a bit as I turn to him and stretch. “The pay’s good, but it’s based on how well you perform. So, if you’re gonna take this job, you damn well better do it right. Since you’re homeless, I can try and get you a house, but it will probably be something like a small apartment. So, don’t expect any-“

“Is this happening?” Page genuinely asks. “Are you actually offering a job to a rando you found on the streets?” He asks. I shrug.

“You can say no if you want,” I say.

“... You said I could get an apartment?” He asks. I nod.

“The first week of apartment costs is on me, but you’ll need to earn the rest,” I say. “So, deal or no deal?” The griffon looks down for a second, staring at the floor to think.

“... I guess that sounds good,” he says. “But uh, can I pick where I want to live?” I shrug.

“Sure, just don’t pick a penthouse or anything like that,” I warn. He nods.

“I know, I know, I just don’t want to live in another fucking shack,” he says. I nod.

“Amen kid,” I say. I look at the clock, sighing. “Well, you’re free to go then. Go and pick out a place. You seem responsible enough to know what your limit is.” He looks at me, nodding. “Be back by six. Do you have any money for food?” Page reaches around and feels around.

“Uh, I think I’ve got enough for a McDonalds meal,” he says.

“Right, let me get you some money,” I say, taking out a bag of bits from my coat.

“No- no!” Page says. “I earn my money, not-“

“This is your half-a-day’s pay. You earned it,” I say. He furrows his brow and starts to say no, but his stomach audibly growls. He sighs, taking the bag and looking in. His eyes go wide.

“T-this is-“

“Like I said, this job pays well depending on how well you do. But know this, your new job is important. If you make a grave mistake, or endanger people’s lives in any intentional way, shape, or form, I will not hesitate to fire you on the spot,” I warn. “I’ll be honest with you, if it wasn’t for the fact that you remind me of a younger me, I would’ve given you the cash and walked away. I wouldn’t give you this opportunity if you were just anybody.” I put a hand on his back and pat him a couple times before walking to the door. Page looks back at me as I take out a cig and light it. “I’m taking a chance by trusting you with this. From what I’ve seen, you’ve got potential and a fair bit of smarts on you. So, don’t fuck it up, okay?”

“... I guess I can give it a try,” he says seriously. “Quick question though.”

“Shoot.”

“Can I yell at ponies like you?”

“Knock yourself out.”

“Fuck yeah,” Page says, smiling. He looks at his gold and looks back at me. “Um, also, thank you. I won’t fail you, old Geezer.” With that he walks out as I freeze up with a cig in my hand.

“... Did that little shit just call me old?” I ask as I look after him. I look back at the desk through the door, blowing out some smoke before putting my cigar out on the concrete outside. “Oh well. Papers won’t stamp themselves.”

Page sighs as he leaves the fifth apartment building he checked. “Celestia Damn it- if it’s not an asshole landlord, it’s an asshole neighbor.” He looks up in thought as he walks down the streets of the city, passing various creatures who are rushing one way or another. “Fuck, if I don’t hurry, I won’t be able to pick a place I want,” Page mutters. “Let’s think, are there any places I haven’t checked? Roller street’s fucking shit, so fuck that. Long Road is too far to walk to work, and-“

“Halt! Thief! Stop! Cease! Desist from running dangit!” A voice yells. Page looks behind him to see a diamond dog running towards him, being chased by a griffon with a police uniform. The griffon takes to the air, only to run into a street lamp headfirst. As he plops to the ground, Page hisses at the undoubtably painful hit.

“Shit, that looked like it hurt,” Page comments. As the dog comes up, Page looks at the bag of unspent gold he still has. “... This’ll do,” he decides, before swinging it around and slamming into the side of the dog’s face with the heavy bits. The dog crashes down, unconscious from the blow. “Okay, that looked like it hurt a bit more,” Page snickers. “Think before you steal next time fuckface.” Page looks back to see the officer limping up to him, with a bit of a bump on his feathered head. His feathers are a bit strange, being a sort of purple-ish red color. Page thinks it’s fuchsia, but he isn’t sure.

“Thanks, I’m sorry I made a fool of myself,” the police griffon says.

“Maple! You dolt!” A gruff voice yells, causing the griffon to jump. Both griffons look over to see a bulky light blue earth pony with a yellow combed mane, wearing a police uniform as well. “I told you to wait for backup. You’re lucky this citizen decided to help, or we wouldn’t find that mutt again.” The officer, Maple, sighs.

“Sorry sir, it won’t happen again,” he says. The pony sighs.

“Ugh, just- look. I’ll hand it to you. In the past five hours, you’ve managed to find suspects we never even looked at. So I’ll just let this one slide.” He turns to Page. “And don’t think I don’t recognize you Thin Page. I can see the bag. Where’d you get the money?” He asks suspiciously. Page scoffs.

“Fuck off, I got it legally asswipe. You know I don’t do drugs or shit like that,” he says.

“Uh Huh, that’s what all homeless ponies say. How about you really tell me how you got that cash?” He asks, crossing his arms.

“I dunno, how come you weren’t helping your buddy here chasing a criminal?” Page asks. The pony glares.

“Look here smart ass-“

“Wait- hold on, I recognize that hat,” Maple says. Page blinks.

“Huh? What- oh,” Page takes off the hat Anon gave him. “Yeah, a weird-ass guy gave it to me when I started a job today.” The pony officer laughed.

“You? Getting a job? Who in their right mind would hire you?” He asks. Maple smiles.

“I think that’s my uncle’s hat!” Maple says.

“Uh, Buddy, the dude’s a tall monkey,” Page says. “And correct me if I’m wrong, but you don’t look like a monkey uncle’s nephew.”

“No, that’s my uncle! Uncle Anon!” Maple says. “You must’ve needed it, he normally never gives anyone that hat!” Page blinks in surprise before looking at the hat in confusion.

“Would your uncle give him that bag of bits though?” The pony asks skeptically. Maple looks at the bag.

“Well, if I remember correctly, I’d say that’s about half of his pay. You said you were starting a job today, right? It’s not even four, so I’m guessing he let you off early,” Maple mutters. “... It’s reasonable to assume he got it legally, I would say.” The pony looks at Page for a second before sighing.

“Alright slick, I’ll trust you on this one,” he says, turning to get the diamond dog. He looks at the crowd around them, which had started forming when Page knocked the dog out. “Move along, nothing to see here,” he calls. Maple turns to Page.

“So, how’s working for my uncle? Pretty neat, right?” He asks. Page shrugs.

“He’s pretty fucking weird, no offense. He let me off early to find an apartment to live in, do you know any?” He asks. Maple hums.

“Well... No, not really,” he says.

“Dammit,” Page curses. He looks at the sky. “I’m running out of time, and patience. I can’t find a single fucking place in this Celestia-forsaken city that’s actually decent. At this rate, I’d rather stay homeless!” Maple hums.

“Why?” He asks.

“It’s a combination of the place stinks, the neighbors are noisy, and the landlords suck ass,” Page replies. Maple’s eyes widen with excitement as he thinks of something.

“Oh! Oh! Why not be my roommate?” He suggests. Page stops and looks at the griffon.

“... What?” He asks.

“You know, roommates! I’ve always wanted a roommate, and I kinda need one since my wages aren’t gonna cover the bills as well as I’d hope,” Maple says. Page squints his eyes.

“I’ve known you for all of two minutes, and you’re okay with me moving in with you?” He asks. Maple nods.

“If Uncle Anon trusts you, so do I!” He says confidently. Page looks him over to see if there’s any signs of ulterior motives, but he can’t find any. After a moment of silence, he sighs.

“You know, so far, you and your uncle have a bad habit of being really fucking trusting,” he says. “Sure, I guess. Why the fuck not?” He asks tiredly. At this point, he’ll take it. Maple smiles.

“Awesome! My apartment’s not too far from here. Go down this street, take a left, down a couple blocks, and you’ll see a big neon sign that says Trio Star!” Maple says. Page nods his thanks and sets off. He looks back at Maple, who waves bye to him with a grin.

“... Yeah, I guess this job really won’t be so bad after all,” Page mutters, smiling a little as he looks forward to walk.

Author's Note

*is passed out*... reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!
*rises* FUCK IT AAAAAALL!!! *slams head against pillow* How am I still single!?!? *notices you* oh fuck- uh- hi guys!

So, this chapter feels rough around the end. I’m gonna be real with y’all, I am so tired from the work I’ve been doing recently. I mean, I didn’t even want to relax with a game or anything. I just stared at the ceiling and passed out.

Non-Canon Ch4: ... It Still Falls The Fuck Apart.

It’s Saturday, and I just managed to get off work a little early, around seven in the evening. Page was here again this morning, telling me that he found a place that only needed less than two thousand bits, but it was a little farther than he wanted. Nonetheless, he liked the place and a roommate he’s got. I’m planning to train him with the crossbow, but for now, I’m assigning guards to be posted near him in case something happens. Speaking of guards, I haven’t heard from Segway in a couple days. I’m a little worried, but I don’t necessarily think he’s in trouble. Otherwise, I’m sure something would’ve happened for me to think so. I mean, for fuck’s sake, I live in a world that has coincidences as a regular occurrence. It’s a little ridiculous for how common that is. Anyway, I’m going to check up on Maple, see how he’s doing and all that.

I approach a big building with a bright purple neon sign. It reads ‘Happy Hour’. I hum to myself at the interesting name before walking in. A pony clerk sits behind a desk, with his back hooves kicked up and his front hooves holding a magazine. “A little brave to read something like that with no pants on in public,” I mention. The clerk looks up and huffs.

“It’s a tech magazine smart ass. What do you want?” He asks.

“I’m looking for a Maple Bacon? Friendly kid- I mean, guy,” I say. It’s still a little weird to think of the little Griffon, who I had seen as my nephew since he was eight, and think of him as an adult. An adult in the police force. Jesus I feel old.

“Oh yeah, nice guy. Up a couple floors, room three oh six,” he says. He gives a slight glare. “No trouble, I actually like this guy. Keeps the other tenants quiet and polite.”

“Got it, thanks,” I say, heading down a hall to some stairs. The floor’s green, with lots of torn up spots and barely visible stains. The walls are a dull yellow, striped with grey lines. The lights along the walls are old, some of them even buzz a bit. I reach the stairs, which are concrete, and head up a couple floors. I think I hear someone watching television in one room. Anyway, once I get to the third floor, I walk quickly and scan each door number. Three oh one, three oh two, three oh three... ah, three oh six. I smile and knock on the door. A moment of silence passes before Maple opens the door. He’s definitely tired, if the dark circles under his eyes mean anything. I can see his feathers are ruffled, and his head has a bump on it. “Oh god, what happened to you?” I ask. He sighs.

“Ran into a pole a couple days ago, chasing a guy. It’s almost healed up though,” he says, smiling weakly.

“Jesus Christ,” I mutter. “Well, I wanted to check up on you. I know that Manehatten’s not really an easy place for police officers.” Maple chuckles.

“You can say that again. Ponies at the station think I’m an idiot, but the chief says I’m doing fine,” he says. “Come in! Tell me how your day was!” We walk into his apartment, and I hum in concern. There’s a small kitchen to a corner, there’s a couple beds in a small room I can see through a doorway, there’s one bathroom, and the living room that also has the kitchen. The kitchen is kind of cutoff by a counter protruding from the wall. The living room has a coffee table, which looks a bit shabby, with a bunch of stuff on it like coasters and papers. A small box television is against the wall opposite of the green, cushioned couch.

“Why’s the coffee table look...”

“I got it from Neighkea. Built it myself,” Maple says. Of course it’s IKEA. “I uh, might’ve lost the instructions.”

“Well, it’s um... standing,” I say. Maple laughs.

“It’s okay uncle, I know it looks bad,” he says. Suddenly, I hear the front door’s handle turn.

“Hey, I’m back from my errands. Line was a bitch and a half,” Page’s voice calls. I look back to see Page walking through it with a paper bag of what looks like Wendi’s. He freezes when he sees me.

“Oh Celestia, the Old Geezer followed me,” he says. I sigh.

“I’m not old,” I reply. “What’re you doing here?” Maple chuckles.

“He’s my roommate!” He says. I bLink and look at Maple slowly.

“... Really?” I ask. He nods.

“Yeah! You trust him, so why shouldn’t I?” He asks.

“How would you know I trust him?” I ask.

“You gave him your hat, right?” Maple counters. I hum.

“What if he stole it? He’s a rough looking bird, and he’s homeless. Due to how hard times are nowadays, it’d be more reasonable for you to assume he stole it,” I say. Page deadpans at me.

“I’m right here asshole,” Page says.

“Uncle, you have impeccable aim with a crossbow, you’re the best at spotting stuff, and you’re super smart. Stealing from you would be really hard,” Maple says. I snicker and gently pat his head.

“You give me too much credit kid,” I say. Page huffs and puts the paper bag down on a kitchen counter.

“Well, if you guys are finished with discussing whether or not I stole something, can I go ahead and eat my food? Kinda hungry,” he says.

“You don’t have to ask me Page, go ahead!” Maple says. Page reaches in and gets a burger and takes out another. “Oh, is that an extra one?”

“Yep,” he says. Maple stares at him as he takes it and puts it in the fridge. He takes the bag and hands it to Maple. “Here’s your food. There’s a double cheeseburger and medium fries.”

“Uh, shouldn’t we get something for Uncle Anon?” He asks, hesitantly taking the bag. Page laughs.

“Fuck no, we’re poor as shit already.” I struggle to hold in my laugh at that.

“We’re not poor Page, we have food, a roof, and stable jobs,” Maple deadpans.

“My job isn’t stable. It’s bendy as fuck. I’m paid by the entered creature,” Page says, taking a bit of his burger. Maple sighs.

“Okay, fine. We’re semi-poor, how’s that?” He asks. Page gives him a thumbs up.

“I think you two will get along great,” I say, crossing my arms. “Now, if either of you need help, you can call me.”

“Ten-four dinosaur,” Page says.

“Not a dinosaur,” I say.

“Okay Boomer,” he says.

“For fuck’s sake- I’m not a Boomer,” I say.

“How old are you?” Page asks, taking another bite.

“... Anyway, just- be safe you two. Page, you’re coming in tomorrow, but I won’t be there. I was gonna leave a note, but it’s better to tell you now before I go,” I say. “Tomorrow, I want you to come in for the first half of the day. I’ve got a sub for the evening, and you can do whatever you want, but I suggest that you try to get to know everyone around you, okay?”

“Can I fuck with the soldiers?” He asks.

“As long as you don’t hurt them,” I say.

“Nice,” he says. Maple laughs at the conversation as he gets out his food. I look at Page and drop my smile.

“However, I want to tell you something important,” I say seriously. He blinks before nodding, chewing his burger. “I’ll lay down some personal rules that aren’t in the book, and I want you to follow them from here on out. Rule one, never let anyone innocent get hurt on purpose. Rule two, never yell at someone that’s already having a hard time. Rule three, and this one’s important, always go with your gut, the rules mean jackshit in the long run.” Page sees how serious I am, slowly frowning. I can tell he’s taking me seriously. He slowly nods. “Alright. As long as you know the core rules, I’ll let you work at the Checkpoint for as long as possible. Don’t fuck it up.” With that, I smile and turn to Maple. “Thanks for letting me come in, I’ll get out of your hair now, alright?” Maple waves bye, unable to speak since his beak’s full. I chuckle and head out the door, walking back to my home. I think Whisk said she had made a special meal planned for tonight, and damn it all if I’m gonna miss her food...

Thirty minutes ago...

Page grunts as he puts another bit through the phone booth’s slot. “Right, I’ve got this,” he quietly says to himself, clearing his throat. He hears the ring of the phone, trying to get through to the other line. He feels his heart race a bit, anticipating the conversation he’s about to have.

“... Hello? Who is this?” A female asks.

“Uh, is this Ms Page’s residence?” Page asks.

“... Thin Page? Is that you? Where are you!?” She asks.

“Hold on, is that you Blank?” Thin Page asks. “Where’s Mom?”

“No, you hold on, you’ve been gone for almost half a year, without a note, and you think you can just-“ Page growls, thinking back to her last, hurtful words he heard.

“Look, I don’t care how pissed you are, I’m out of your feathers now. So, you tell Mom that I’ve got the last laugh. I’m happy, I’ve got a job, and she’s got nothing to worry about. So now, hopefully, you two will fuck off and stay away from my life.”

“Do you think this is a game!? Do you have any idea how much trouble you’re in!?” Blank asks. Page gives a hollow scoff.

“I would’ve thought you assholes would appreciate less ‘dead weight’, as you so eloquently put it,” Page says irritably. A pause comes from the other end before. A sigh sounds out.

“Look, I'm sorry Page, it’s just-... I’m worried, okay? I didn’t think you’d actually leave,” Blank carefully says. However, this makes Page angrier.

“You’re sorry alright. I don’t see how that makes me want to come back though,” Page notes.

“Will you stop being such an emotional prick for five seconds?” She asks.

“Nope. I’ve been too angry for too long. In any case, I just wanted to let you guys know I didn’t fuckin’ need you or Mom. Fuck you, fuck your bullshit, and fuck off,” Page says, hanging up the phone. He takes a moment to take a deep breath, trying to calm down from the outburst. Not exactly what he had in mind, but he guesses that it works for now. With that in mind, he leaves the booth and takes a deep breath out. After a moment he face palms. “Dammit, not what I wanted to happen. Celestia damn it, why is talking to either of them so fucking hard!?” He continues cursing to himself before pulling it together. “Right, maybe I can try again later. I just need to cool off. Right, that’s it.” With that, he continues his walk to the Wendi’s across the street, being careful not to get in the way of the automobiles going by.

As he walks in, the door chimes. The cashier, a slightly taller white pegasus with pink hair perks up. “Hi! Welcome to Wendi’s!” She greets cheerfully. Thin Page grunts and looks at the menu.

“Uh... I’ll have three bacon cheeseburgers, and one medium fry,” he says. The cashier nods and inputs the order into a computer. Page looks around to see that he’s the only one inside. “Wow. Slow night, huh?”

“Yeah, we’ve been getting a bit of competition from the McDonald’s down the block,” the mare says.

“Who the hell goes to McDonalds?” Page asks. Unaffected by his language, the cashier laughs.

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s because of the changelings’ manners.” She guesses. Page looks at her and squints.

“You know, you look familiar,” he notes.

“I get that a lot,” she replies, smiling. The door opens, and a pink unicorn with purple and light blue hair walks in.

“Ugh, I could use a break from that blockhead,” she says, tiredly.

“Welcome to Wendi’s! How can I help you?” The cashier says, handling Page his receipt.

“Hey, can I get a frosty? The heat’s killing me,” the new mare says. The cashier giggles.

“Right away! One second,” she says. She turns around and takes out a frosty from seemingly nowhere and hands it to the mare.

“Oh, hold on, I’ll get the-“ Before the mare could continue, the cashier shakes her head.

“No no, it’s on me. Consider it a gift for my niece,” she says smiling. The mare looks at the cashier suddenly.

“... Wait, are you...?” To answer her question, the cashier merely winks.

“... Weird ass ponies,” Page notes out loud.

“Oh, don’t worry, it’s a family thing,” the cashier says, giggling. Page is still confused as fuck, but shrugs it off.

“I kinda wish I had your kind of family then,” he says. “Mine’s pretty crappy.” The cashier frowns.

“Oh? How come?” She asks. Page grunts.

“Really pushy, really proud, and really stubborn,” he says. “Every time I try to talk to them, I end up getting pissed.”

“Oh really? That sounds like a phase me and my sister went through once,” the mare responds. The pink mare sits at a table and just listens to us, eating her frosty.

“Oh yeah? How did you two get through it?” Page asks.

“It took... a long time, but after a couple of fights and a bit of talking, we made up,” the cashier replies.

“Uh Huh... what if you two hadn’t?” Page asks. “What if neither of you could stop yelling?” The cashier pauses and thinks.

“... I suppose I would have just as much of a clue as I did when we started fighting. I wouldn’t know,” she replies honestly. Page sighs. “But, what I do know, is that yelling is probably necessary at some point. Being angry is okay, as long as you don’t take it out on them.” Page scoffs.

“Real helpful,” he mutters. The cashier giggles.

“Sorry, I’m not good with conflicts like my pupil,” she says. Page tilts his head.

“You used to be a teacher?” He asks. The cashier pauses before slowly nodding.

“Yes, though I wasn’t a very good one,” she admits.

“Why?” Page asks.

“It’s... complicated,” she says. Page stares at her for a second before shrugging.

“Alright.” He looks at the pink mare and notices her frosty cup’s empty. “Wow, you went through it already?” He asks in surprise. The mare in question blinks and smiles nervously, blushing a bit.

“Yeah, I’m not used to how hot it is over in Equestria.”

“Ah. Where are you from?” Page asks. The mare blinks and shifts a bit.

“Uh, the Crystal Empire,” she says.

“Really? Every Crystal Pony I’ve seen is normally sparkly as all hell,” he says.

“Oh? Do you travel a lot?” She asks.

“No, I’ve been working at the Manehatten Checkpoint. I’m a passport inspector,” Page replies. Both ponies perk up.

“Oh? Do you know Anon?” The cashier asks. Page grunts.

“Yeah, I know him. Old geezer’s weird. He came up to me out of nowhere and offers a job” Page says. The cashier’s eyes have a flash of recognition for a split second. “Apparently I’m good enough for working under him.”

“He’s certainly a complicated one,” the cashier giggles. “Oh? Looks like your food’s done! Let me get it for you.” With that, the cashier walks off as Page sighs.

“Jeez, first I find his nephew, now I find his friends. How popular is this fucker?” He asks himself.

“I- Uh, don’t really know him!” The pink mare says. “He was just someone that stamped my papers, so I-“

“There you are!” A voice booms from the entrance. Page looks over to see a royal looking guard walking in. “Who is this ruffian?! Is he troubling you?!”

“... So who’s sir chucklefuck?” Page asks. The mare stifles a laugh as the guard fumes.

“He’s uh, a guard! You see, I’m a merchant,” she says.

“Don’t talk to him Miss, he’s not up to standards,” the guard warns. Page scoffs.

“Standards? The only standards I live up to are the ones that I care about, asshole,” Page remarks.

“You dare speak to me that way in front of-“

“Calm down Lock! He’s no bother,” the mare says. The guard sputters.

“No bother!? He is cursing in your presence!” He exclaims.

“So? Uncle curses all the time, but I never minded,” she counters. The guard huffs.

“Look, I'm just trying to look after you. You know what kind of underbelly sorts live here,” the guard says, slumping his shoulders a bit. Page deadpans at him.

“Asshole, I’m just waiting on my food and getting out, so calm your tits,” Page says.

“What did you say!?” The guard yells. Page sighs.

“Let me dumb it down: Your honkers need to stop going bonkers,” Page replies. The guard glares. “... Okay, how about: Hakuna your tatas?... Undo the calamity that is your mammaries?... Don’t have a rack attack?... Reset the mojo, to pass the dojo.” The mare is barely stifling her laugh. “Please cease for release-“

“Your food’s here,” the cashier says suddenly, scaring Page.

“Oh, thanks,” he says. He turns to the pink mare and waves bye. “Have a good one, hope you get used to the Manehatten heat.” With that, he leaves. “What a weird ass lot of ponies,” he mutters.

The next morning...

Page yawns as he walks to the Manehatten Checkpoint. He makes sure his new hat is snug on his head. He think he’ll get a new hat soon, as well as some gloves. The hat certainly helps, but his claws still feel the cold when he works in the small office. He passes various guards marching along, before reaching the door to his new job. Opening it, he sees that a letter’s on his desk. Quirking an eyebrow, he takes it and reads it.

Dear Inspector,
A new law was passed today for immigration. Due to increasing complaints raised by various other checkpoints, certain items can now be brought into the room and are needed to be checked. Please refer to your newly updated rulebook.

Princess Twilight

PS: If Anon is reading, I swear there’s a reason for it.

Page hums in interest. “So the Princess makes letters for this checkpoint? Geezer must be pretty important.” With that, he takes the rulebook and flips to the rules section. “Right, let’s see. Uh...” He pauses upon seeing one of the words. “The hell? Why aren’t balloons allowed?” He flips the page and squints. ’... Water bottles are only acceptable when clear/see through. Otherwise, deny them. Final banned item: 64 Crayon Color pack (details are classified by EIB).’ Page keeps staring at the words, racking his brain on why the absolute fuck crayons aren’t allowed in. “... Fuck it, don’t care,” he finally says. He leans towards the mic. “Next!” The first creature to walk in is a tall, black and green changeling.

“Ah, yet another sub. I figured Anon wouldn’t be here on Sunday, but yet I’m still disappointed,” she says, walking up.

“... Okay, creepy as fuck, papers please,” Page says.

“Oh? A bold one aren’t we?” She asks. “What if I don’t want to?”

“Look, I just want to get through the day without mind games. For the love of fuck, give me your damn papers,” Oage deadpans.

“Oh, spicy. Just how I like my prey,” the changeling responds, opening her mouth to show off her fangs.

“... Look, I don’t have any mints, and if I did, I wouldn’t have enough. So, can we skip to the part where I get your passport, or should I call the guards?” Page asks.

“I can’t tell if you’re brave, or cocky. Nonetheless, I’ve had my fun. Here,” she hands him her passport. Upon opening it, his eyes narrow at the gender.

“What the fuck- neither? How the fuck can- oh right. Cheese legs. Got it,” he says.

“I prefer to be called a changeling queen, Queen Chrysalis, if you can help it,” she hisses.

“And I prefer you to stop breathing on me with your nasty ass breath, but we can’t all win,” Page says, stamping the passport green. “Go out there, get some Tic-Nacs.”

“Hm. Very rude. You’re almost like Anon. Truly curious. I hope we meet again, little griffon,” Chrysalis says, walking out.

“Celestia, what an asshole,” Page remarks. He leans towards the mic. “Next!”

The next entrant is a spiffy stallion with a bow and a cane. His Grey coat is glossy, and his white mane is shiny. “... Am I at the right Checkpoint?” The stallion asks, upon seeing Thin Page.

“Nah, you’re at McDonald’s,” Page replies.

“Ugh, I’m too tired to go anywhere else. Tell you what-“ the stallion pulls out a a large bag of bits. “Take this and I can move on.”

“Where’s your passport?” Page asks.

“Excuse me?”

“Passport. Where is it?” He repeats.

“Don’t be silly, you don’t need to look-“

“With that kind of phrasing, year I fuckin’ do. Where the fuck is your passport?” Page asks. The stallion sighs.

“Fine. Be that way. Here,” he hands Page his passport. “Now be quick about it. You’ve already wasted a lot of my time already.” Page huffs. He’s not particularly fond of rich ponies like the stallion in front of him. He takes the paper and skims through it.

“Let’s see,” he mutters. He stops when he sees that the stallion has a bag. “Wait, hold on, I need to look through that bag.”

“No you don’t, filthy griffon,” the stallion says. Page narrows his eyes.

“Yes, I do bitch,” Page says, yanking the bag away quickly. Unceremoniously, he dumps out the contents, expecting to find drugs or something of equal value that’ll send this stallion to prison to wipe off that smirk of his. Admired,y, he was over eager. The items that fall down are bags of bits, a couple maps, a coloring book, some keys, a now-broken watch that was crushed by a bag of bits, and- “Uh oh,” Page says.

“You barbaric beast! I demand you pay for this!” The stallion yells.

“Actually, no. It’s the other way around,” he says. “You think I wouldn’t find this!?” Page hold up the illegal object to the stallion.

“... I don’t see the point, why is that relevant?” The stallion asks. Page decides to drum up the drama a bit.

“Oh yeah, like you wouldn’t know the dangers this shit’s capable of. To deny such premonitions is preposterously perplexing upon the paradoxes of one’s self!” Page feigns disgust towards the pony. “You diabolical mad stallion!”

“What in Faust’s green Equestria are you babbling on about!?” The stallion yells. “I see no harm in this!” The door opens as Spearhead steps in.

“Alright, alright, what’s going on?” He asks.

“This stallion is carrying the most illegal shit I’ve ever seen,” Page says.

“He’s lying!” The stallion yells. Spearhead looks at Page, and looks him over.

“... Alright, what did he have?” He asks.

“This,” Page says, showing the damning evidence.

“... Kid, I know this is your second day... but that’s a pack of crayons,” Spearhead says.

“Ah Ah, not just any pack of crayons, a sixty four set pack of crayons,” Page says, shaking his head in absolute shame.

“... Rookie, what exactly is so dangerous about the crayons?” Spearhead asks.

“Oh, I dunno. Rules said it’s classified by EIB,” Page says, pulling up the page and showing him. Spearhead squints at the page and grows confused.

“... What in Tartarus? Are crayons illegal now?” He asks.

“No, that’d be silly,” Page says sarcastically.

“You cannot seriously be siding with this peasant!” The stallion shouts.

“Excuse me, a peasant?” Spearhead asks. He glances at Page before sighing. “... Come with me sir, please refrain from pulling a... sixty four pack of crayons on me.” Page can tell that Spearhead’s trying to take it seriously, albeit with reluctance. The stallion turns to the griffon with anger.

“This isn’t the last you’ve heard from me!” He growls.

“Shame,” Page says. “I was enjoying our time oh so much.” The stallion scowls at Oage before he’s taken from view by Spearhead. Page smiles a bit and leans towards the mic. “Next!”

The next entrant is a brown griffon, with red accents. He looks a little hurried. “Where’s Anon?” He asks. Page blinks.

“My boss?” He dumbly asks. “He’s chilling at his house or something, I don’t fucking know.” The griffon hands Page his papers.

“Great. I shouldn’t have come today, I should’ve waited,” the griffon says.

“What’s the rush? Piled shit until it’s too late to do anything?” Page asks, scanning through the papers.

“Well, uh, it’s my son, you see,” the griffon starts. “I’ve been worried sick, and I haven’t heard from him in a small while.”

“Hm. Sounds like he’s avoiding you,” Page notes. “It’s something I’d do. Which means you must’ve pissed him off somehow. What’d ya do?” The griffon freezes up for a second before sighing.

“Well, I... I think his mother and I scared him away. We’ve been fighting for a while now... He doesn’t like fighting,” he says. Page hums.

“Damn, he’d hate my family then, we fight a lot. Why’re you and your wife fighting?” Page asks, his curiosity growing.

“I... I don’t know anymore,” he replies. “It just... I remember that I snapped at her one day, for some stupid reason, and it snowballed from there.” The griffon’s eyes start to tear up. “I don’t... I don’t want to fight. I want to apologize to m-my son. I- I-“ The griffon fully breaks down and starts bawling. Page leans back a bit, awkwardly.

“Uh, dude, chill the fuck out,” he says. The griffon looks up, still crying a bit. “Shit’s not gonna get better if you keep crying. So, buck up, and say sorry or some shit.” Page takes a moment to open up the drawers, looking around. Finally, he finds some tissues handy. He gives one to the griffon. As the griffon blows his nose, Page looks through the papers once again before stamping them green. “Now, fuck off and feel better.” The griffon takes the papers and nods gratefully.

“Thank you, for listening. I hope we meet again,” he says before walking out. Page sighs, shaking his head.

“I feel like today’s just gonna keep being shitty as fuck,” he mutters. He leans towards the mic. “Next!”

The next entrants are two creatures. The first is a white hippogriff with blue and yellow accents. He wears a dog tag around his neck. The other creature is a griffon, a little shorter than the other, but a little more muscular. He has dark green feathers, with lighter accents around his eyes and feathers. His fur is grey. They wordlessly walk up and hand their passports over. “Finally, some fuckers who don’t give me an attitude,” Page says. They both blink and exchange glances.

“Uh, you’re welcome?” The hippogriff says. Page notices that the griffon is carrying a bag.

“Wait, I need to check that bag,” he says. The griffon shrugs and lifts it onto the counter. Page opens it, finding a couple of uniforms, two wallets, an old framed photo, and some sandwiches in enclosed plastic bags. The photo shows the group together, with broken armor and wrapped appendages. In between them is a hippogriff, missing a wing. The wing of the second hippogriff is replaced with a bandaged stub.

“War buddies?” Page asks.

“Yep. We met in the Great War, fending off dragon forces from the north west. Greeny here said he wanted to be a police officer after all the shit we went through,” the hippogriff says, slapping the green griffon’s back with a laugh. “Stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, after being bombarded for hours, first thing I hear is, ‘After this shit, I’m joining the police force. Shit doesn’t happen too often there!’” The griffon rolls his eyes.

“Well, I sure as Tartarus didn’t want to be retired,” he mutters. “Besides, I’ve been doing a great deal of stuff because of that. Things are interesting but not life threatening, so that’s a win for me.” He smiles and looks at Page. “My name’s Greenhorn, do you know anyone interested in joining the police force? Give them this,” he says, pulling out a card and handing it to Page. The card has various numbers and addresses, with a slogan that says ‘Do Equestria Proud by joining a PD!’

“Uh, thanks,” Page says, putting the card into a bin out of the entrants’ view.

“Sorry, he’s still excited about his new program. He managed to convince some nobles to fund a campaign to allow more griffons into the police force. Crazy bastards actually went for it,” he says.

“And now, I’m checking up on some of the griffons I recruited. One of them was especially promising,” he says. “He was a fine young griffon, sharp as a tack.”

“Yeah, so sharp he managed to transfer to Manehatten without him noticing,” the hippogriff snickers.

“Oh shut up Edge,” Greenhorn says. Page looks through the passports as they banter a bit before stamping them green.

“I’m just saying,” Edge says.

“Well, y’all can fuck off now,” Page says, handing their papers back.

“Ah, thanks,” Greenhorn states, taking the passports and walking out.

“Thanks for the talk,” Edge says, walking out as well. Page sighs after they leave. Something didn’t feel right. He’s not sure what. Oh well. He leans towards the mic. However, a sudden yell of pain stops him. “Oh no- Greenhorn!” Page walks over and cracks the door open to see the green griffon on the ground. Edge is panicking, standing next to him in shock. “Help! He’s having a heart attack!” Before he finishes his sentence, a couple of guards run up and carry the griffon off the courtyard. Spearhead appears. “Sir, come with me.” With that, they walk off. Page looks on with concern, a little shocked from what just transpired.

“Celestia...” he mutters. He turns back and returns to his desk, breathing to calm down a bit. The griffon he just talked to, who was seemingly fine, just suffered a heart attack not even two minutes later. He rubs his temples, trying to calm down a bit. He needs to keep going and do his job. He leans towards the mic. “Next!”...

It’s about noon, and the substitute came in. Page is walking out of the office, grumbling. “Dammit, I forgot my lunch,” he mutters, feeling hungry after today. He walks into the main office building, finding the secretary at her desk yet again. She looks up and almost deflates a bit from seeing him.

“Oh. Hey Page,” Clipper says.

“Don’t be too disappointed, ass,” Page says. “Look, I’m only here so that I can get used to my coworkers, according to the old Geezer, so lay off my back will ya?” Clipper sighs and continues her duties. Page sits down and leans back a bit, stretching. As he sits, he looks down to see Maple running in. “Oh, hey dude.”

“Where’s the infirmary!?” Maple almost yells. Page leans back a bit from the outburst, as did Clipper.

“Uh, I believe it’s that way,” she says, pointing to a small series of buildings a little ways from the main office building. “What’s going on?”

“I need to see someone!” Maple falls out, rushing out just as quickly. Page frowns and gets up.

“Looks like I’ve got something to do now,” he notes, following after his roommate. Clipper watches them leave, concerned about what’s going on.

Maple rushes into the building and slides to a stop in front of a help desk. “Is a Mr Greenhorn still here!?” He asks. The mare at the desk blinks in surprise from the sudden yell before nodding.

“Uh, yeah. Two rooms down the left,” she says.

“Thanks,” Maple says before gunning it down the hall. Page skids to a stop at the desk before following Maple again. Maple runs into the room and finds Greenhorn lying on a bed with an oxygen mask on. He slowly looks over to see Maple. “Sir!” Maple exclaims, rushing to his side. The griffon smiles and takes off the mask.

“Maple, it’s good to-“ he stops to cough. “-good to see you. Is the transfer going well?”

“Mr Greenhorn! What happened!?” Maple asks, as Page runs in panting.

“Oh, calm down. I’ve been expecting this for a while now. Did you talk to your father yet?” Greenhorn asks.

“I- I-... Sir, why’re you here?” Maple asks.

“Maple, you disappeared without a trace. How am I supposed to take that?” He replies. “You’re full of-“ he coughs, making Maple tense up. “You’re full of potential, and I want to make sure you’ve got your act straight before I go...”

“Before you- wait, hold on!” Maple says. “Sir, you aren’t gonna-“

“Again, I’ve known about my condition for some time,” Greenhorn says, chuckling. “I’ve had a good act until now, but I don’t think my heart can take it anymore.”

“No, don’t talk like that sir,” Maple says quietly.

“You’ll be fine Maple. I’ve trained you myself before your transfer. It might’ve only been a couple of months, but you’re the best student I’ve ever had. I only ask that-“ he coughs, and it’s now that Maple and Page notice how weak the griffon’s voice is getting. “I only ask that you and your father talk again. Please.” Maple nods, tearing up. “Good. Now, let me rest. I know my time’s almost up, but I’ll be dammed before I give up without fighting.” With that, the griffon puts his oxygen mask back on, and lays his head down. He gives Maple a smirk and pats his shoulder. “You’re good kid, you don’t need me anymore,” he muffles. Maple slowly nods, sniffling.

“... Come on Maple, let’s let the old guy rest,” Page says, gently taking Maple away from the bed and walking him out. Outside the room, they sit in some chairs set outside as a doctor walks in. Silence flows between them as Maple stares at the floor. Page awkwardly fiddles with his talons. “...Hey, did that guy recruit you?” Page asks.

“... Yeah. He was my trainer in Canterlot. He saw that I was struggling, and he took me under his wing. I felt bad because I wasn’t like other griffons that were there, ready to beat down criminals, and it made him look bad for training me. However, he was really patient, he made me realize what I was really good at, and I managed to get graduate. I was going to stay by his side, join a force in Canterlot, but someone had mentioned that Manehatten’s getting worse. I uh... I suddenly wanted to be here, instead.” Maple sighs and rubs his face. “Celestia, that was stupid. I shouldn’t have left.”

“Why did you then?” Page asks. Maple rubs his neck, looking down.

“... I guess I missed my home away from home,” he chuckles quietly. “Uncle Anon and Aunt Whiskey’s always been there for me when I was younger. I guess I really missed them...” Page looks at Maple for a second before laughing.

“Damn, everyone just loves their family today, huh,” he says. Maple looks up to him in confusion.

“Huh? What do you mean?” He asks.

“Well, some guy came in this morning babbling about wanting to see his son. Had the fucking waterworks on and everything,” he says. Maple shakes a little.

“W-what did he look like?” He asks.

“Uh, let’s see, I think he was brown and red, very emotional griffon,” Page replies. Maple’s eyes widen.

“D-did you catch his name?” He asks.

“Uh, no. I kinda glanced over it. As long as it matched with everything else I-“

“Well, lookie here! Maple, is that you?” A voice asks. Both griffons look over to see Edge, walking over with a small smile.

“Mr Double!” Maple falls, standing up.

“At ease, you’re not on duty little guy. What’re you doing here?” He asks.

“Well, I heard Mr Greenhorn was hurt, so I rushed over,” Maple says.

“Ah. Well, he’ll be fine. Son of a bitch hasn’t kicked the bucket during the war, I don’t think he’ll kick the bucket now,” Edge says. Maple chuckles, nodding.

“Well, still,” he says.

“Still nothing. Go home, you’re tired,” Edge says. Maple shakes his head.

“No, I’m good,” he says. Edge rolls his eyes.

“The bags under your eyes say otherwise,” he comments. Page looks at Maple to see that there were definitely dark circles under his eyes. He does look tired, and now that Page thinks about it, Maple tends to stay up reading over files in the past two days.

“Yeah buddy, you need to sleep a bit,” Page chimes in. “Tell the worries of the world to fuck off for a few minutes.”

“That’s the spirit!” Edge says, walking over. He pats Maple’s back, and nudges him. “Go on, rest up. I’ll look after the feathered bastard.” Maple looks back at him with concern, but sighs.

“I’ll come back tomorrow, I promise,” Maple says. Edge nods and watches on as Maple leaves, with Page close behind...

Page and Maple walk down the streets, passing various rushing bystanders. “Today’s a shit day,” Page mentions. Maple nods.

“Yeah...” Maple continues being quiet as Page awkwardly follows. “... I think you saw my dad.”

“Hm?”

“My dad. He was probably the griffon you talked to this morning, the one crying,” he clarifies.

“Oh... Uh, okay?” Page says, unsure of where this is heading.

“I... I want to avoid him,” Maple says. Page blinks.

“... Fuck no,” he says, “You’re not avoiding shit.” Maple looks at Page in surprise.

“What!? Why!?”

“Because I’m already doing that, and that shit’s not fucking healthy!” He yells. Maple flinches.

“W-well, it’s only for a little bit more-“

“No. I would kill for a chance like this!” Page says. “If you put this off, it just gets worse. And for me, I’m gonna bet ten bits that the fucker’s gonna come by every day until you say something. I’m not dealing with a sobbing adult in front of our doorstep for weeks on end because you’re afraid of talking to him.” Maple starts to protest, but clamps his mouth shut and looks down.

“You’re right... I... I should talk to him,” he says. “But... what do I say? I kind of just left without saying anything...”

“Dude, don’t ask me how to talk to angry family members, I suck at that,” Page replies.

“Well... Maybe I can-“ Maple pauses as he looks up. Page quirks an eyebrow and follows his gaze. In front of their apartment building, there’s police tape surrounding an alley next to it. A crowd of ponies gasping and staring surround it and an ambulance car.

“Move it along!” A pony in a police uniform yells, making a path through the crowd as a couple of ponies carry a stretcher towards an ambulance. Maple takes off, running up.

“Hold- hold on!” He calls. The ponies don’t heed him and continue into the vehicle, before shutting the doors and driving off. Maple slows to a stop before turning to see the officer. “Hey! Grizzle!” He calls. The pony stops Maple from walking through the tape.

“Maple, Maple, calm down-“

“Who was it?” Maple asks. Page stands by, a little ways away, watching this go down.

“Maple, it’ll be fine-“

“Who was it!?” Maple asks, louder this time.

“Maple!” The pony yells. “Calm. Down. We don’t know who that is yet. Just calm down. What’s got you so worked up?” Maple stops and backs off, looking ahead of the pony.

“My- my dad was- oh Celestia-“ Maple starts panicking, breathing heavily, and Page steps in, grabbing Maple.

“Calm down, calm down. We don’t know who that is, okay? What are the chances it’s your dad? There’s millions of creatures here Maple, anyone one of them can be in that ambulance. So calm down, let’s go to our room, and chill the fuck out, okay?” Page asks. Maple looks at him, then at the officer. He sighs, and starts walking away. Page grimaces and follows as the police pony returns to making the local civilians move on. Page glances at the crime scene, and sees a small pool of blood soaking into the dirty cement. He shudders and continues following his roommate. Holy fuck, today was shitty.

I quickly walk with Whisk, with a sense of urgency I really didn’t think I’d experience again in my life. Whisk is trying to be slow enough for me, but Can barely keep up with her. We’re completely silent as we walk through the hospital halls. We got a call earlier to confirm a body they found a little less than an hour ago. From its description, Whisk was pale and terrified. I can see Whisk is trying not to panic, but she’s just barely keeping it together.

Finally, we open a door to find a griffon laying in bed, with blood soaked bandages around his mid-section. I can recognize this griffon anywhere. Canadian Bacon. To be honest, it actually looks better than when he was almost blown up. I grimace nonetheless, because he does not look like he’s in a good condition. “Oh my-“ Whisk stops and turns away, sobbing a little as I keep looking at Bacon’s body. He’s barely breathing, but he’s breathing nonetheless. I softly shush Whisk, stroking her head as I try to keep my own calm. Bacon’s eyes crack open and they slowly look over to me. They fall down to Whisk. His beak moves slowly, but a wheezing breath sounds out. I’m guessing the wounds messed with his lungs. A while ago, I learned that although magic could heal a lot of wounds quickly, creatures that are near death will have longer recovery time since their cells are slowly reviving or some shit. Hence why I’m much more cautious about terrorists attacks. I tap Whisk, nodding towards her brother. She slowly turns to see his eyes and she sobs loudly.

“Oh thank Celestia you aren’t dead!” She cries. Bacon slowly reaches to a table next to him and finds a paper and pen. Weakly, he starts writing. Once he’s done, she shows us what he wrote.

“Hi Whisky. It’s good see you. Can’t talk, too weak.” I hum as Whisk lets out her emotions.

“I’m just glad you’re alive, what happened?!” Whisk asks. As Bacon writes on his paper, I hear two voices coming down the hall.

“Maple, I’m sure it’s not-“

“I know! You’ve said it a million times Page, but shut it!” Whisk and I look back to see Maple and Thin Page stumble in, before freezing as they see Bacon.

“Holy shit,” Page says.

“Dad!” Maple cries, rushing to his father’s side. Bacon holds up a paper for us to read as he puts a hand on Maple’s head.

“Attacked. Don’t know who. Strong, and talons.” I furrow my brow as Maple and Whisk look at it.

“...” Maple stares at it silently as Whisk shakes her head.

“Who would do such a thing?” She asks.

“A griffon, a hippogriff, or anything else that has talons,” I say. Maple looks at Bacon.

“Dad, I swear, I’m going to find who did this to you-“ He’s interrupted by Bacon putting a talon on his beak. He quickly scribble something on his paper.

“ No. Danger. Police help.” Maple shakes his head.

“No, I need to make it up, this is my fault you’re hurt,” he says, tearing up. Bacon smiles weakly and scribbles something.

“Never been prouder of you. Just needed to know you’re safe.” Bacon reaches over and hugs Maple as he cries. Page watches on, thinking in his mind about the situation unfolding before him. I look over to see his face and recognize it.

“Hey, kid,” I say, drawing his attention. I nod towards the door, and he gets the message. We walk out of the room, giving the family space, and I crouch down to him. “You alright?” He scoffs.

“Should be asking Maple that,” he says. I nod.

“Well, it’s clear he’s not alright. His father was just stabbed. But you look like some shit’s going through your head. What’s wrong?” I ask. He scowls.

“None of your fucking business Geezer.” I sigh.

“... Can I help?” I ask. He stops, like a wind up toy that suddenly can’t move. He looks at me slowly. I can tell that he’s seriously considering this. I can take a good guess as to what he’s thinking. He’s probably wondering if he can really trust me. Meanwhile, he’s also wondering if I’m serious. He looks down for a moment, before sighing.

“... I don’t need your help,” he calmly says. I nod.

“Okay. If you say so,” I tell him. “You look a little shaken up. I’ve seen a lot of people enough to know what it looks like.”

“It’s nothing, I’m just... thinking,” he says. Suddenly, a doctor comes in.

“Sorry, but I noticed a lot of creatures were coming in. We need to start giving the griffon some space in order for him to recover.” I almost scowl at the doctor, but I get surprised when I notice Maple pull away from his hug.

“I... I promise, whoever did this-“

“Maple,” I say gently. He snaps his attention to me and gives me a pleading look. Seeing how I didn’t change my expression, Maple looks back at his father, who is still smiling. Bacon shakes his head silently, trying to give Maple wordless reassurance. I look at Page to see him deep in thought.

“... Sir, I know this is a rough time, but please leave. Your father will recover faster if he rests,” the doctor says. He turns to Whisk, taking out a pen and a clipboard. “And you are Ms Bacon, correct? His sister? I need you to fill out this form to confirm his identity.” I look at Whisk, who’s wincing every time she looks at Bacon. She nods and takes the pen and board.

“... Come on Maple, there’s nothing we can do,” Page suddenly says. Maple shoots him a look of shock, but pauses as he feels a push from his father. He looks at Bacon in confusion, who has written something.

“Please, go. When you come back tomorrow, I’ll be speaking.” Maple looks up at his dad and hugs him.

“I love you dad,” he says, his voice trembling. Hesitantly, he leaves his father’s side and walks with Page out of the room. I follow behind to give Whisk some space.

In the hall, Page turns to me. “I’ll take him back to our apartment, okay?” Page asks. I sigh, nodding as I rub my head.

“Yeah, just be careful. I don’t want to find a replacement already,” I say. He frowns.

“That’s not fucking funny,” he comments.

“Didn’t say it was,” I reply. He rolls his eyes.

“Whatever Geezer. Hey Maple, come on.” With that, the two younger griffons start walking away. As they get farther away from me, I notice Page whisper something to him. Maple looks at him in surprise, but nods and hurries away with Page in tow. I frown. They’re definitely planning to investigate on their own. I mean, what else could Maple be agreeing to right now, after his dad’s been stabbed, with a surprised look? I sigh out loud as I think. I know Maple’s a smart kid, he won’t get caught, but why would Page want to help him? Sure, he’s prideful, but he’s known Maple for less than three days... I’ll keep an eye on him. Maybe he wasn’t so honest with me at first...

At the apartment complex, Page checks the corner to make sure no one’s watching as Maple looks around the place. “Hurry up,” Page says. The scene of the crime is blocked off by tape, in a large alleyway between the complex and another building. There’s a dumpster and a few garbage cans around. Near a dumpster is a pool of blood that belongs to Bacon.

“Sorry, thanks for helping me by the way,” Maple says, looking at the ground near the pool of blood.

“This isn’t for free, you owe me a favor,” Page says. “I'm not risking a single fucking feather for someone that won’t keep a promise.” Maple nods as he looks around the scene a bit more, trying to find anything that could help him. So far, there’s nothing but dirt, dirt, more dirt and- wait. Maple stops as he finally notices something off to the side. There are some feathers near a different garbage can. Maple walks over and looks closely. He can’t pick it up, otherwise he’ll be caught trying to solve the case via DNA. He frowns as he realizes the feathers are his fathers, which have his distinctive red color.

“What is this favor you wanted anyway?” Maple asks. Page sighs.

“Just focus on this first. My problem can come later,” Page says. Maple hums as he looks at the feathers a bit more. They’re intact, plucked, and can be identified as primary feathers from his dad’s wing. Whoever the attempted-killer is, they could stab Bacon, drag him a bit, and hold him down as they pluck his feathers. Maple can guess that the attempted-killer was probably interrupted as he was doing this, as one feather was ripped off in a hurry. Either the suspect is psychotic, or it was personal. Probably both. Page looks over.

“What’s up?”

“The feathers... come look at this,” Maple says. Page comes over and looks at the feathers before grimacing.

“Damn, that shit hurts,” he says.

“You see it too?” Maple asks. Page scoffs.

“I’ve got eyeballs,” he notes.

“Excuse me?” A voice asks. The griffons turn around to see a pony with a bit of fear in his eyes.

“Yes? Can I help you?” Maple asks.

“Are you with the police?” The citizen asks. Maple nods, taking out his badge. He shows it to the pony, who gives a sigh.

“Oh, thank Celestia. I just wanted to say, I think I saw who did it,” he says. Maple squints and takes out a pen and paper.

“Hey, may I ask you to stay here for a bit? Some of my coworkers will be here shortly, and they’ll need everything you’ll tell me,” he says. The pony shakes his head.

“Not a problem. It’s just- I saw a pony running from this alley before we all saw the body. I think he was purple, and might have been a pegasus,” the pony continues. “I do remember one thing, he spat out a cigarette before he bolted.” Maple nods.

“And where did you see it go?” He asks. The pony points to the dumpster.

“Well, i think it might be cleaned up already, but he spat it in that direction from somewhere around here,” he says. Maple nods.

“Thanks. Again, please stay nearby and wait for more police to come. They’ll ask some more questions,” he says. The pony nods and walks off as Page hums.

“Thought your old man said he felt talons?” Page asks.

“He did... I don’t know what’s going on, but Ikm going to solve this,” Maple says. He looks at the sky and frowns. “Come on, I think we’re almost out of time. I got what I need.” Page shrugs and walks with him. “Now, let’s rest up. I probably won’t be called in for a few days, which is enough time for me to solve this. Tomorrow, we’re heading to a pawn shop.” Page looks at his roommate with confusion as they walk into the building.

“Why a pawn shop?” He asks. Maple thinks back to the shop owner, who fits the description the pony gave him.

“We’re having a chat with a retired gangster,” he says with a bit of venom as he continues walking, thinking back to the watch he got from said owner... and he thought of the owner’s smirk, which seems so condescending now.

Author's Note

God, this chapter took forever. Couldn’t decide what the next choice would be for a bit, and finally decided on something. Hope y’all enjoy!

Non-Canon Ch5: Fuckers Stole My Chapter Title.

The hospital room is quiet, as Bacon rests in his bed. The steady heart monitor beeps in a rhythmic fashion. The moonlight casts a faint glow on the sleeping griffon. That is, until a shadow comes over him. Bacons grunts and cracks an eye open before it widens. The heart rate monitor starts beeping faster as fear plasters on his face. However, a needle pricks into his side, injecting a sedative. He tries to fight it, but the chemicals are a bit stronger than his will. Within seconds, he’s unconscious. “Nothing personal-... Well, nevermind. It is personal.” A faint chuckle can be heard...

I sigh as I walk down the hospital’s halls. It’s early, but a doctor let me in. He was going to wake up Bacon anyway to check on him, so he figured that a friendly face might help him keep calm. Whisk was still asleep by the time I left, and she needs all the rest she can get. “Now, don’t be loud,” the doctor says, walking ahead of me. “He’s still recovering, and loud noises will agitate him.”

“No shit,” I say. He sighs in turn and throws a tired look my way. “Hey, don’t worry about it. He’s going to be my brother in law, I’m gonna be as good as possible.”

“Ah, well, congratulations,” the doctor though unenthusiastically. I give him a half asked thanks as he turns and opens the door to Bacon’s room. He freezes when he sees the inside. “W-Wait here,” he says. I quirk an eyebrow as he walks in. “...Oh no,” he says. Before I ask what’s going on, he runs out, and down the hall. “SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE!!!” He yells. I feel my heart skip a beat as I poke my head into the room. There, on Bacon’s bed, is a letter. I walk over and look at it without touching it.

Tick tock, goes the clock.
The clock strikes twelve, he’s now shelved.
The fool’s not done, not until one.
Here’s to your authority, which has retracted its priority.
This is not me, but for the family.

I take out a pen and some sticky notes I have in my pockets and quickly write down the lines. I look around, trying to see anything else. The window’s not open, the sheets are neat, and- wait. I lean down and see a stain on the sheets. It’s faint, and slightly discolored. “Uncle Anon?” I hear. I jump and turn around to see Maple. His eyes are wide. “W-where’s dad?” He asks. I glance at the bed and rub my forehead. Bacon may be his father, but it’s because of that fact that I don’t know if I should tell him. After all, emotion clouds judgement, and Maple is much more emotional than I am. However, I don’t want to lie to him. I clench a fist, angry that this happened to begin with. After a silent debate with myself, I sigh.

“He’s... I think he’s been kidnapped,” I say. I look up to see his reaction, and see the tears in his eyes.

“Oh... oh my-“ he rushes to the bed and frantically looks around. “I-I need to- I-“ I place a hand on him.

“Maple-“

“Don’t touch me!” He yells, surprising me. He snaps his attention to me, his eyes wide. “Oh- I’m- I- I’m s-sorry I-“ I gently take hold of Maple, and sit him down, shushing him softly. He’s still stuttering, unable to get a word out. I pull him into a hug, and he finally stops to choke back on sobs. “It’s my- It’s my fault! Oh my Celestia- it’s my-“

“Shhhh, it’s going to be okay,” I say softly.

“No it’s not,” he says, tears streaming down his face. He stops as he feels tears hit his feathers. He looks at me to see a mix of emotions. Tears steadily go down my face as well.

“It’s my fault,” I say simply. “Something wasn’t right. I should’ve known something wasn’t right.” Maple shakes his head.

“No- I’m the detective Uncle,” he says.

“And I’ve caught multitudes of terrorists for over ten years,” I say. “... I don’t know if I can look your aunt in the eyes because of this.” Maple hugs me tighter for a moment before pulling away.

“Let’s... let’s worry about whose fault it is later. Right now, I think you should go,” he says. I look at him and see he’s looking at the letter.

“... What did you find yesterday?” I ask him. He blinks and looks at me.

“What? Uh, I don’t-“

“Maple, it’d be illegal if you’re involved in this,” I say. “Police officers and detectives can’t investigate crime where they’re involved. Since your father’s kidnapped, you’re involved.” Maple looks at me with a bit of fear in his eyes. I lean in close. “So, what did you find?”

“... You’re not mad” he asks.

“Oh, I’m pissed, but I’m pissed off at the one responsible,” I say. “So, answer me. What, did, you, find?” Maple looks back, to see if anyone’s watching, before leaning closer.

“I found some of dad’s primary feathers. They were plucked, and now I know it’s intentional and personal, if the note is anything to go by. However, an eyewitness states that a purple pony, maybe a pegasus, bolted out. He spit out a cigarette as he did.” I hum in thought. I know a pony that fits that description, but I heard he retired.

“... I know where to look. You said you met him, so I think it’d be smarter for me to ask him stuff.”

“Uncle, I can handle-“

“I know you can handle it,” I interrupt. I take out a cigarette and start walking out. “But I know that I can get straight answers out of him.” With that, I start flicking up a light from my lighter, trying to calm down as I think of how to go about this...

I walk up to a pawn shop. If my memory and my sources are correct, this is where he is now. Lighter, former gang member, former gang leader, and all around shrewd business pony when it comes down to it. I take out my cig to puff out some smoke. “He better have a good alibi,” I mutter to myself. I walk up to the doors and bang on them. “Hey! Fucker!” I yell.

“Not open!” Lighter’s voice, now raspier than I remember, yells from inside.

“Look man, I can convince you, or I could break down this door!” I yell. I wait a moment, before hearing hooves shuffle to the doors. A click is heard and the door slowly opens to reveal Lighter’s tired face.

“The hell do- oh. Human. It’s been a while,” he says. He does not look particularly happy to see me.

“Yeah. Heard you did business with my nephew. Wanted to check up on ya,” I lie.

“Yeah. Nice kid. So, why are you really here?” Lighter asks. I quirk an eyebrow. “The last time you came to me, you sent me and my boys off to war. I know better than to trust a ‘check up’.” I can tell he’s still a bit pissed about that.

“Thought we were on good terms?” I ask.

“Let’s just say, I had a rough couple of days,” Lighter says. “Now, if you’ll excuse me-“ He tries to shut the door, but I put my foot in the way.

“Hold on. I’ve got a couple of questions,” I say. He looks at me for moment before sighing.

“Ah. That’s why you’re here,” he says. “Come in then. You won’t stop bothering me until you’re through.” I nod and he opens the door. I walk inside, unfazed by the various trinkets and doodads here and there. I turn to him as he shuts the door. “No, I didn’t do it.” I scoff, puffing out some smoke.

“Turning into a psychic, Lighter?” I ask, giving a slight glare.

“No. I just knew it had to have something to do with me,” Lighter says, sighing as he walks around me to get to the counter. He reaches behind it and pulls out a bottle of scotch. He pops off the top and takes a big swig. “I was walking by, when I heard a noise. Sounded like when me and the boys were interrogating someone back in the day. I decided to see if I can relive some memories by trying to watch it.”

“Counter intuitive for someone who wants to lay low,” I note.

“Hey, take it easy, I was thinking I’d peek around a corner or something. What I didn’t expect, was to see some goon ripping off some poor Griffon’s feathers,” Lighter says.

“And you didn’t stop him?” I ask.

“Well, I kinda did and kinda didn’t,” he replies. “I knew something was up, the guy wasn’t asking questions. Figured he was crazy. So, I yelled out. However, apparently that was all it took for the guy to really do somethin’ to the griffon. Next thing I know, there’s blood spatter, and the guy’s looking over at me. He was wearing a hood, and the alley was too dark for me to see his face,” Lighter says.

“Then you bolted?” I guessed.

“Yep. Cigarette I was smoking woulda slowed me down from breathing, so I had to spit it out to split the joint,” he mutters.

“Is there anything you saw that would help?” I ask, crossing my arms. “Because it almost sounds like you’re a lying motherfucker.”

“Anon, I wouldn’t lie to you,” Lighter says. I stare at him for a minute before shaking my head. No, he would lie, but he’s not really a killer. I doubt he even has the strength for it. Sure, he technically fought in a war, but he was more of a commander. Also, Bacon wouldn’t have any reason to have beef with him. I sigh as I look around the room. Coming here was a goose chase.

“Everyone lies to me Lighter. I’ve got more than ten years worth of lies. I don’t think you did it, but you better be telling me the truth. If I find out you lied-“ I stop to glare at him. “I will personally shoot your ass with whatever I find first.” He snickers.

“Sounds fair,” he notes. With that, I walk out. The moment I walk out, however, Maple bumps into me.

“Ow- sorry- oh, hi Uncle!” He greets.

“Go home,” I say, flicking my used up cig to the ground. “Don’t look into this case anymore, alright?” I ask. Maple coughs nervously.

“Wh-what? Me? Looking into- I am totally not-“

“Stop lying. You’re bad at it,” I say. “Besides, I specifically told you I’d look into this.” Maple sighs.

“Please uncle Anon, I need to find my dad,” he pleads.

“And I’m going to take care of it,” I say. Maple looks like he wants to argue, but sighs.

“... Can you tell me what Mr Lighter said?” He asks. I look at him for a moment before nodding.

“He saw a hooded figure pulling your dad’s feathers. Apparently, it was like interrogation. He didn’t see who it was, and I know he didn’t do it,” I say. Maple smiles weakly.

“Thanks,” he says.

“Now get outta here. Get some rest, alright kid?” I ask. Before he could leave, a voice calls out to us.

“There you are Maple!” A voice yells. Maple and I look over to see a hippogriff.

“Oh! Mr Double!” Maple calls.

“You know this guy?” I ask. Maple nods.

“He’s a friend of my mentor when I was in training,” he says.

“Please, call me Edge. I have some... bad news, Maple,” Edge says, walking up. Maple’s eyes widen.

“... No,” he whispers.

“Almost midnight last night. His heart gave in suddenly. No one could save him,” Edge says solemnly. Maple shakes, and tears start coming up. I quickly hugged Maple, unsure of what’s going on as Maple wraps his own arms around me, sobbing. I look back at this ‘Double Edge’ in annoyance. Did he really need to come all the way here to tell something distressful? I freeze. Wait, why is he here? I look at Double Edge with suspicion.

“Hey, why’re you here?” I ask.

“Oh, figured I would try to get a souvenir. Greenhorn always loved souvenirs from Equestria, he’d get them for his family,” he says. “Figured it would hurt them less if I carried on his tradition while he’s gone.” I keep an eye on Edge before Maple stops crying.

“Uncle, I- I want to go back to your house, I-“

“I’ll take you there myself. Whenever you want to go,” I say.

“T-thanks uncle Anon,” Maple says. Edge gives a grimace as he watches us walk away. I look back at the hippogriff, who walks into the pawnshop. I stare after him before trying to hurry Maple along.

“Maple, trust no one,” I say quietly. He looks up.

“Huh? What?”

“Maple, a psycho’s loose and he’s interested in you. Whatever you do, don’t go anywhere alone,” I warn. Maple looks at me for a moment before nodding.

“The same goes for you then,” Maple notes.

“I can take care of myself Maple. I’m not old enough to be helpless yet,” I say, pushing into so we can start walking away.

Page sighs as he lands next to the office building. He hates Mondays. Mondays are days where shit hits the fan for him. Today, he’s actually a little late, so he had to fly to get here. He walks through the door, and pauses as he sees Clipper fuming as she walks out of my office. She spots Page and stomps over to him. He can tell this isn’t good. “You have a lot of nerve!” She yells.

“Look, I’m sorry I’m late, I-“

“You’re lucky Mr Anon’s busy with something, because he’d be the one blessing you out!” Clipper yells. Page sighs.

“Okay, I get it, could you stop yelling? It won’t happen again,” Page says.

“Just go to your post. It better not happen again,” Clipper says, turning and going to her desk. Page never knew she could yell that loud. He walks out and hurriedly goes to his own office. He gets onto his seat and leans toward the mic.

“Next!” He calls. The first entrant walks in, revealing to be Princess Cadence. She tilts her head as she sees Page.

“You’re not Anon,” she notes. Page nods.

“Yep. Established that when I was born. Wanna hurry up and give me your papers?” He asks.

“Uh- right,” she says, handing over her passport. “I can’t wait to see my daughter. She came to Equestria a few days ago, starting a trip by herself!”

“Hm,” Page hums with indifference.

“Not much of a talker, are you?” Cadence asks.

“I have to speed things along. Got started late. No small talk,” Page says, stamping the papers green and handing them back.

“At least you’re polite,” Cadence notes.

“Fuck off, love ain’t real. How’s that?” Page remarks. Cadence sighs.

“Of course,” she says dryly, taking her papers and leaving.

“Next!” Page says. The next entrant is a white unicorn with blue hair. Page thinks he’s Shining Armor, prince of the Crystal Empire.

“You’re not Anon,” Shining notes. Page leans back and groans.

“No, I’m not. Gimme papers,” Page says. Shining puts his passport down and Page scans through it.

“Did Anon get hurt or something?” He asks.

“What? No, old geezer’s fine,” Page says. Shining laughs.

“Geezer? I mean, he’s a bit old, but-“

“According to your papers, you’re ten years older, so you’ve got no room to defend him,” Page says. Shining loses his smile and sighs.

“Of course Anon would hire someone like him,” he mutters. Page stamps his papers green and gives it back.

“Fuck off, I’m on a time crunch,” Page says. As Shining leaves, Page leans towards the mic. “Next!” The next entrant is a young mare, with a pink coat and sandy blonde mane. She almost looks like she’s seventeen. “Papers,” Page says, holding out a claw. The mare winces.

“I-um, I don’t have uh-“

“Then get the fuck out,” Page says. As he leans towards the mic, she stops him.

“Wait! Please! I- I can’t go back!” She yells. Page looks at her.

“And why not?” He asks.

“...” The mare looks down, conflicted.

“... Alright, security it is-“

“I’m running,” she says quietly. Page stops.

“... Running? From what?” He asks.

“My- my parents,” she says. Page quirks an eyebrow.

“But, aren’t you a pony? Rather odd to run to Equestria-“

“My parents live in Griffon Stone. My mother’s a griffon, my father is... supposed to be a griffon,” she says. Page blinks.

“... That’s uh... okay then,” he says.

“My mom wasn’t faithful, obviously,” the mare says, gesturing to herself. “My mom had to send me away. W-when I learned about it from my foster parents, I wanted to see my real mom. But, apparently her husband was still sore about it.” Page leans back. This is interesting.

“So, why’re you running?” He asks.

“Because when he saw me, he screamed about killing me,” she says. She looks at Page pleadingly. “Please, I- I think he’s going to follow me. I need to get into Equestria. I’m begging you!” Page looks at the mare with uncertainty as she starts sobbing. “I don’t want to die, please!” Page blinks and thinks back to what his boss said. Any mistakes, and his nice new job is over... Page looks at the mare, as she cries for her life right in front of him... He sighs, and takes out his book. He looks for rules about missing passports. Apparently, if there’s no passport, he has to give her a denial only slip. Of course, he has to stamp it himself... He looks at the various buttons, and finds the slip button. He wonder briefly if what he’s about to do will be considered good enough. He gets a slip. The mare looks up and sees ‘Denial Only’ on the bottom of it. “No- no please! I’m-“

“Quit crying,” he says, giving the slip a stamp with next to no hesitation. The mare’s heart skips a beat as the stamp gives a click. Page hands her the slip, and she takes it. Without looking at it, she hangs her head as she starts to trudge out. “Wait- hold on, where the fuck are you going?” Page asks. The mare stops and looks at him. “Look at the slip.” The mare looks at it and silently gasps. It has a green, acceptance stamp. She looks back at the griffon, who’s wearing a bored expression. “Yeah, you’re good. Now get out before I change my mind.” The young pink mare trembles a bit as relief washes over her, and she rushes up and reaches through the window to hug the griffon.

“Thank you! Thank you!” She cries, before taking her paper and practically running out the door. Page rubs the back of his neck before sighing. The printer clicks away as a pink slip prints out, informing him of his choice.

“The one fucking time a printer doesn’t jam,” he mutters, he takes the slip and puts it on a corner of his desk. He sighs and leans toward the mic. “Next!”

It’s the end of Page’s shift. He sighs as the horn sounds off for the end of the day. Outside, the remaining entrants all walk away, hoping to get into Equestria another day. Page gets up and walks out of the office, only to bump into me as I walk up to the door. “Ow- sorry Geezer,” Page says. “Your old guy bones didn’t break, did they?” I snicker as I look down at him.

“I dunno kid, I’m feeling a bit threatened. You gonna pull a pack of crayons on me?” I ask. He groans.

“Look, it was a rule yesterday,” he says. “Look in the book if you want.”

“Still, I’m amazed you actually sent someone to jail for carrying a pack of crayons,” I say. “I knew you had to be the right guy to hire.” I look up and frown as I notice a pink slip on his desk. “What happened?” I ask. Page looks back and sighs. I walk over and pick it up to inspect it. Page sighs. He was really hoping he didn’t notice it.

“I’ll pack up,” Page grumbles. Before he gets too far, I reach over and grab his wing.

“Kid, you didn’t fuck up, you apparently made a choice,” I say. I look at him with a raised brow. “No one can accidentally forget to check for a passport at a checkpoint’s border office.” I cross my arms as curiosity forms on my face. “Why did you let them through?”

“I... I had to,” he says. After a moment, I make a gesture for him to go on. “... Someone was after her. It seemed like her life depended on it.” He says. I hum.

“Think you made the right choice?” I ask.

“Well, I’m not worried about it,” Page replies. I nod, humming.

“Good. See you tomorrow, bright and early as usual. Don’t be late again,” I say. “I’m letting the lateness slide today because it was a shitty day for all of us.” I pat Page’s back and walk out. Page does a double take and runs up.

“Hold on- I broke the rules, why would I see you tomorrow? Wasn’t that the one thing you told me not to do?” He asks.

“Kid, you made a conscious choice. According to you, you don’t think it was wrong. So far, nothing’s exploded, and no one’s hurt, so why would I be pissed?” I ask. “Unless- you didn’t break the crossbow, did you?”

“Wha- fuck no.”

“Then you’re fine,” I say, shrugging. “Besides, I’ve got more urgent matters to discuss with you.” Page quirks an eyebrow. “I need you to go to my house. Maple’s there. My soon-to-be wife’s there, and I need someone to look after them. I have to go over something, and I’m assuming you’ve got nothing better to do, right?” I ask. He sighs.

“Sure, I’ll go look after them. Got an address?” He asks. I nod and hand him a note. “I’ll get there as soon as possible.” He starts to walk away, but I stop him.

“Hey, good luck with whatever you’re trying to do,” I say. He stops.

“... What do you mean?” He asks. I snicker.

“Let’s just say that I’ve got a hunch that you’re not helping Maple out of the goodness of your heart. However, I’d like to believe that what you’re looking for won’t be a pain in the ass for anyone to deal with until all of this is over.” Page turns to give me a slight glare, silently telling me to butt out. “I’m not going to pry into it. But I wish you good luck for whatever it is.” Page stares at me for a second before scoffing.

“Whatever, Geezer,” he mutters, before walking out. I shake my head as he leaves.

“... How is it that being called old is what pisses me off the most?” I ask myself with a small chuckle.

Maple shifts through various papers in his Uncle’s living room, going through reports for other cases. “Maple, sweetie! Dinner’s almost ready!” Whisk calls from the kitchen.

“Okay! Give me a second!” He calls back. He puts the reports down, and rubs his temples. He silently wonders why a pony would report a missing wallet, but refuse to take his wallet despite the fact that it’s his own wallet. He starts to get up, but a knock on the front door stops him. He cautiously walks up and opens it to find Page waiting. “Oh! Thin Page! What’re you doing here?” He asks.

“Boss told me to keep an eye on you tonight,” Page replies. He walks in as Maple closes the door behind him.

“Maple? Is someone at the door?” Whisk asks.

“Sorry! It’s a friend mine!” He calls back. Page gives him a weird look.

“Dude, we’ve known each other for less than a week. We’re not friends,” he says. Maple smiles.

“A friend of uncle Anon’s is a friend of mine!” He replies simply.

“I’m not a friend to that Geezer either,” Page deadpans.

“No, but he thinks you are,” Maple replies easily. Whisk pokes her head into the living room and spots Page before gasping.

“Oh my Celestia!” She yells. Page jumps from the sudden noise, and looks at Whisk with wide eyes. “Look how skinny you are! You almost remind me of my husband when we got together. You must be starving!” Page is wildly confused as he looks at himself. Sure, he’s not exactly as beefy as most griffons, but he’s not dangerously skinny. He looks up at Whisk.

“Uh, no thanks I’m-“

“Nonsense! No one goes hungry when I’m around!” Whisk hurriedly shoves Page in the direction of the kitchen, as Maple simply follows behind them.

“No, you don’t have to, I’m-“ he stops as various smells hit him. “... Is that... Is that pasta?” He asks.

“Yep! Tonight I was making some chicken alfredo!” Whisk says.

“Awesome! Your alfredo’s the best!” Maple says excitedly, rushing to the kitchen. Page coughs uncomfortably.

“I mean, thank you for the offer but-“ Page is interrupted by Whisk grabbing his arm and dragging him to the kitchen. “Holy shit you’re strong!” Page exclaims, wincing from the older griffon’s grip.

“No buts, and no cursing. It’s dinner time, you need to eat!” Whisk says.

As Page awkwardly eats on the couch with Maple, Whisk gives him a big smile. “It’s been forever since I’ve had company over! Are you a friend of Anon’s?” She asks.

“Uh, I’m one of his employees,” Page replies. “Um, he asked me to come over and watch you guys until he’s done with whatever he’s doing.” Whisk sighs.

“He’s always coming home late, why doesn’t he ever just do what he normally does and come home early.”

“Do what he normally does?” Page asks. Whisk laughs.

“He’s a real character, and he doesn’t take crap from anyone,” she explains. “Once, he jumped out a closed window just to leave a board meeting.” Page’s eyes widen. “If he wants to do something, he does it. It’s something I think everyone admires about him...”

I scan through another pile of papers as I hear Clipper come in. “-and here’s last week’s paper,” she says, placing a box of passport info next to the box I’m looking through. These are boxes with griffon and hippogriff passport information. Clipper looks to see I’ve packed up at least half of this week’s box. “Um, can I ask what you’re looking for?” She asks. I glance up to see her looking at me in confusion.

“... Pet project,” I mutter, taking out a cigarette and lighting it. She sighs.

“Maybe a bit less vague than that?” She adds.

“Something’s bothering me about something outside of work, I’m just checking up,” I say. I stop to take out a file and open it, finding a hippogriff. I skim through the passport info and additional items before putting it back and continuing my search. “You can head off home if you want,” I say. Clipper sighs.

“Sir, please tell me what it is, I-“

“I didn’t ask for your help,” I say, raising my voice a bit. “I suggest that you go home. Now.” Clipper leans back a bit from my voice, but sighs in defeat. She nods and heads out. I go back to skimming through files. “Where are you, fucker?” I ask myself. I pull out one more file and open it. A griffon, but he looks scrawny. I grumble and put it back. Clipper comes back in. “What did I-“

“It’s a note sir,” Clipper interrupts, annoyed. I hold out a hand, and she places it on my palm. A small note. I take it and unfold it.

Hee Ho hey, your inclusion is not okay.
Did someone say, that you could play?
Back out, or I’ll ruin your day.

I stare at the note with no expression. I look up at Clipper. “Who gave this to you?” I ask.

“No one, it was on my desk,” she says. I hum.

“... Go home. No dilly dallying,” I say. “I don’t need to pay for your over time.” Clipper blinks and huffs.

“Sir, what’s going on with you!?” She yells.

“I SAID GO!!!” I yell. Clipper backs off, shocked that I yelled. I simply glare at her before look back at the files. I’m sorry Clipper, but now I know that psycho’s watching me. Hopefully, he’ll think I won’t care about her, thus leaving her out of this. I pull out another file as Clipper sniffs. Without a word, she leaves. I need to pay a bit more for overtime once this is over. The file I pulled out is from a few days ago. I lean back and puff out some smoke. “Please, God, just let me find something,” I mutter. I open the file and pause as I see a peculiar passport. I lean forward as I read over it. He got here recently. His picture... a picture he brought seems off... I feel my eyes widen as I see where his passport is issued from. I think of how Bacon got hurt, how his feathers were plucked... I read the passport owner’s short Bio, and start connecting dots. I take out some paper and a special quill. I write to Twilight, asking her to do me a favor. As I do this, a knock sounds out from the door.

“Fuck off, I’m busy,” I say, not looking up as I write. I don’t have much time.

“Actually,” a familiar voice says, opening the door. I look up to see the very bastard I’m looking for. “You’re about to have a free schedule.” Standing there, smiling ever so menacingly, is Double Edge.

“Oh, really?” I ask, uninterested as I finish up my letter. With a poof, it’s sent off to Twilight.

“Yes, you see, I’m not a fan of your meddling,” he says.

“And I’m not a fan of your bullshit,” I say. He drops his smile. “Now, we could dick around, or we can skip the whole ‘I’m the bad guy’ monologue.”

“Rather impatient, aren’t you old monkey?” He asks, pulling out a revolver.

“Oh? Using a gun? What happened to your bare claws?” I ask. He chuckles.

“I don’t think I have the time to play, simply put,” he says.

“... Well, here’s the problem,” I say. I throw myself to the ground, and a bang ensues. I rip off a crossbow I duct taped to the bottom of my desk and spring up. I fire off a bolt, hitting the gun and knocking it out of Edge’s grip. He curses and holds his hand as I level my crossbow at him. “Mine’s bigger,” I say. I pull the trigger to nail the fucker’s ass, but I am only greeted with an empty click. I feel panic set in as I glanced at my gun. Shit, I forgot to reload it. I look up and see Double Edge scrambling for the gun. I freak out and throw my empty crossbow at him, which manages to bonk his head and daze him for a bit.

“Ow! Buck!” He yells. I take a box full of papers and slam them down on the stumbling hippogriff. He falls to the floor as papers fly out everywhere. I stumble back and grunt as my back starts to ache.

“God dammit,” I mutter, falling on my ass. Pain goes through me as I start trying to calm down. I look up, taking deep breaths as I try to feel my pockets for a cig. I close my eyes, thankful that it’s-

“You, bucking asshole,” I hear. I look down to see Edge, leaning on the table unsteadily as he aims a gun at me. “I was going to simply hurt you, break a leg or two.” He stops to cough, and blood comes out, landing on my desk. “Then- I’d make sure no one would stop me, my revenge-“ he stops to cough. “But I should’ve known you’d be a pain in the ass.” I stare at him for a second before chuckling.

“Your brother died in the war, and you blame it all on griffons?” I ask, chuckling. He growls.

“DON’T LAUGH!!!” He screams. “THAT BASTARD, THAT BASTARD SAID HIPPOGRIFFS LIKE US SHOULD FEEL LUCKY, BEING ALLOWED TO FIGHT WITH THEM!!!”

“That bastard being uh, Greenhorn, right?” I ask. The hippogriff scoffs.

“Putting the pieces together? Smart monkey,” he says.

“I still remember Cozy’s War. I remember when the Hippogriff Separatists surrendered, and realigning itself back with the Hippogriffian Queendom. They put soldiers like you right back into the fight, right?” I give a barking laugh as I see how angry Double Edge gets. “Kind of stupid, really, considering they also stuck you guys right next to the same creatures that dominated you in the air. The griffons.” I point at one of piles of scattered files. “I read that you had a picture of your brother. Since I haven’t seen your big bro anywhere, I’m going to take a wild shot in the dark and say he’s-“

“Do you know what that son of a bitch said?” Edge interrupts. “When we had to retreat into the air, when those dragons started to bomb us, and my brother was stuck on the ground, do you know what kind of bucked up shit he said?” I stare at him expectantly as he starts trembling, various muscles tensing and shaking. “He said ‘He should’ve learned how to fly.’ As if a lost wing was his fault,” He scoffs, and levels his gun at my head. “If that bastard hadn’t died from the heart attack, I wouldn’t have done anything to that kid. But the fact that Maple was like family to him, that was close enough for me.” I glare at him silently as he rambles. “I originally wanted to just shoot him, get it over and done with, but then I saw his father.” He stops and coughs, and a gush of blood comes out. What the hell’s going on with him?

“And you realized that suffering was heftier than death,” I finish for him. He nods, keeping an eye on me as he uses a free claw to wipe blood from his beak.

“Yeah, something like that,” he mutters. Suddenly, he smiles. “Wooh, it feels good to get that off my chest.”

“Not good enough to point the gun away though, huh?” I ask. He shakes his head.

“No. But at least it’ll be-“ He’s suddenly interrupted by a flash of light.

Author's Note

Oh hey, I’m not dead or anything, it just took forever to deal with something going on.

Chapter 12: So, Some Shit FINALLY Happens...

Author's Note

Okay, uh, this chapter is a fuckin’ looooong one. I’m sorry about how long it is, but I wanted to keep it to one chapter.

Fun fact: I speed wrote all this at 10 o’clock at night.

Also, Equestria Border Checkpoint reached 5 k views! Wow!

Chapter 12: So, Some Shit FINALLY Happens...

So, after the talk with Celestia, we figured that everything would be fine. I managed to get a night of sleep. Or, so I thought. I rub my eyes as I wake up to the sound of someone banging on my door. I trudge to the doorway. I open the door to find two yellow unicorns. They’re both lanky, with red and white peppermint mane. One has a mustache . They wear a kind of suit that’s white and blue. “Don’t care,” I say, immediately trying to shut the door. A hoof stops the door from doing so though, and forces the door open.

“My dear brother Flim, it seems that this schmuck needs an upgrade!” One says, eyeing my living room as he forces his way in. You know what? At this point, I’m a little too tired to give a fuck. I step aside as Flim walks in.

“You’re right Flam, this poor fellow does indeed need an upgrade!” He says, eyeing the couch.

“How about no?” I offer, sounding disgruntled.

“Nonsense! You, my weird friend, need a Flim and Flam Product!” Flim exclaims.

“Indeed brother, he needs a Super Helper Inker Tinker!” Flam says. I keep my tired expression.

“I need a SHIT huh?” I ask. The brothers stop and look at each other with horrified expressions.

“Brother, is the name intentional?” Flim asks with both fear and anger.

“No! Why would I endanger our business!?” Flam replies.

“Oh, maybe it’s because of the name of the invention!” Flim yells. I sigh. I look at the clock. Midnight. I look at the still arguing brothers.

“Hey, can you guys fuck off now before I call the police?” I ask. Both of the brothers stop arguing and look at me with nervous smiles.

“Oh, yes, I’m sorry dear sir, it seems our product wasn’t supposed to be released today due to unrecognized circumstances!” Flim says.

“Have a good night!” Flam quickly says before dragging Flim out the door quickly. I stare at the door for a second before sighing.

A week and a half has passed. Today’s the trial. I can’t go support Whisk at the trial, as it’s Wednesday. I sit in my office, quietly checking papers. Why am I nervous? There’s no damn reason to be nervous. I give a green stamp to the entrant and allow them to pass. I lean towards the mic. “Next,” I say.

The next entrant walks up to me, and hands me her papers. As I search, the pony starts trying to talk to me. I don’t care. As I search, I think of the trial. What if Celestia’s word isn’t good enough? What if the ponies buy out the trial. No, they wouldn’t do that while a Princess was in court, let alone the fact that it’s Princess Celestia. As I start finishing up the passport, a purple hoof waves in front of my face. I blink in surprise before looking up to see Bitchface. She looks at me with confusion.

“Did you hear a word I said?” She asks.

“... Nope,” I say, returning to the passport. She groans in frustration.

“Are you kidding me!? I finally work up the courage to say sorry, and you don’t even listen!?” She yells. I sigh and look up at her.

“Has it occurred to you that I have more important things going on that doesn’t involve you?” I ask. Bitchface sputters.

“Wha- but- you always-“

“Look here ‘Princess of Friendship’,” I use my fingers to do air quotes. “It’s thanks to your thoughtlessness that I’m here. It’s thanks to your stubbornness that I had to pay a ridiculous amount of money for my own house. Twice. It’s thanks to your absolute stupidity that I had to leave Ponyville. It’s thanks to you that I had to do two shitty jobs at the same time to make ends meet as I lived in Manehatten before getting this job,” As I rant, Twilight’s ears fold back as she flinches for every time I mention a consequence. I lean down towards her to be at eye level. “I don’t give a shit that you’re sorry right now. You should’ve been sorry a long time ago.” I point at the clock. “Right now, the one creature I care about most is on trial for some absolutely bullshit reason. I care about that a lot more than I care about some high-class asshat being sorry for repeatedly making mistakes that affect me.” I sit up straight, watching Twilight’s expression. She keeps looking at the ground, an unreadable expression on her face. I give her passport a green stamp and stop myself from shoving it into her direction. “If you really want to make up for what you did, leave me alone. If I want to talk to you, I’ll talk to you.” Which I doubt I ever will.

Wordlessly, Twilight grips the passport in a magical aura and trots out the door quietly. I lean towards the mic. “Next.”

The hours drag on as I keep glancing at the clock. It’s five o’clock. I have one hour before I can go see Whisk. I keep scanning each passport that comes across, trying to keep myself in check before the day is over. That is, until...

“Uncle Anon!” A young voice yells. I blink out the trance I was in and look down to see Maple looking at me excitedly. I blink again and look up to see Bacon and Snowy. They’re both smiling as they all hand their passports to me. I give a relaxed smile to mask my nervousness.

“Well hey guys, what’re you doing here?” I ask, taking up the papers to inspect them.

“Oh, we figured we could visit you and Whisk for a couple weeks!” Bacon explains, smiling cheerfully. Snowy smiles as well, but I can tell she isn’t too thrilled with being here. Maple, on the other hand, looks rather excited.

“Uncle Anon! I passed my flight exam a couple days ago, can I show you and Aunt May my super cool skills?!” He asks excitedly. I chuckle as I stamp green on their passports.

“Of course kiddo. Just wait for a small while, okay? I have to go pick up your Aunt when I get off work,” I say, handing them their papers. I see Bacon’s smile lessen.

“... Hey, you two go on, I’ll catch up in a little bit,” Bacon says. Snowy looks at him for a moment before nodding. Maple’s confused, but goes along with Snowy. He waves bye to me as he leaves. I wave back with a smile before looking at Bacon. He’s not smiling. He has a frown, and he’s worried. “What happened?” He asks. I lose my facade as I sigh.

“Whisk got accused for some bull crap a week and a half ago. She’s on trial today,” I say. Bacon’s eyes widen and he starts to slowly panic.

“Trial?! What’d she do!?” He asks loudly, grabbing my shoulders.

“Nothing. Some pony got drunk and slipped into a coma. Some idjits are accusing her of not taking enough care for her patrons. Don’t worry though, the princess is on Whisk’s side, and I accidentally made one of the accusers punch someone,” I say. Bacon stops panicking to look at me with confusion.

“Wait, what?” He asks. I shrug.

“Point is, she’ll be fine,” I say. Bacon sighs, and nods.

“.... Alright Anon, I trust you,” he says. I see him smirk slightly. “Hey, when you pick her up, you should let her go on a date with you,” He comments.

“Now Bacon, you and I both know she hasn’t said anything yet. I’ll take her on a date when she says she loves me,” I chastise jokingly. Bacon chuckles and pats my shoulder.

“She will Anon. Now, I gotta go. Ice cream’s calling my name,” he says, licking his beak as he walks out. I shake my head and lean towards the mic.

“Next!”

The next entrant is a familiar draconequus. Especially since he’s the only draconequus in this universe’s existence. He pops in, holding a glass of water upside down, with the water resting on the air of the open end of the glass. I sigh deeply. This mother fucker.

“Why heeelllooooo little human!” He exclaims, taking a sip of the glass, and proceeds to chew it like ice. Except the sound of ice being crunched is replaced with the sound of glass being crunched. Absolute bullshit.

“Discord, you and I both know I don’t like your Tom-fuckery,” I deadpan. He carelessly tosses the glass aside, and it bounces a few times before one end lights on fire. The glass then proceeds to jet out of the room, creating a hole in the wall. I just stare at the wall with bemusement.

“But I like it,” Discord responds. I turn my attention back to him.

“Can’t you just poof into the country?” I ask. “As illegal as it is, all the nations agreed that it was okay since you’d do it anyway.” Discord laughs.

“True, but I decided to give my good old buddy chummy chum pal a nice visit,” he says.

“Any chance you’ll leave? I hear friends like to do that a lot,” I dryly remark.

“Now Anon, you know me, I won’t do anything until I had my fill of accidental chaos,” he says, grinning mischievously as he shrinks to the size of a toy soldier. He then lays down on my desk. “So, amuse me!” He says in a deep voice. I sigh, and suddenly get an idea.

“Hey Discord, you ever want to mess with everyone spectacularly, but you did nothing wrong?” I ask. He perks up, and grows to normal size instantly.

“I’m listening,” he says, levitating in the air, upside down. I smile evilly. Rarity is going to hate me.

After Discord left, with my admittedly demonic plan in mind, it was time for me to leave. I quickly walk down the streets of Manehatten, with the moon visible in the middle of the sky. I see the court in the distance now, with the doors open and Whisk sitting in front of it. I quicken my pace, determined to get to Whisk. As I come closer and closer, I see Whisk’s face. She has tear stains on her face, and she’s actually asleep while standing up. My eyes widen and I rush over. “Whisk!?” I call. Her eyes spring open and she looks up at me with surprise.

“Anon?” She asks. She looks over at the court for a second before looking back at me with a smug smile. I feel all the pressure on my shoulders lift instantly at her victorious look. “They didn’t stand a chance,” she says smugly. I give a deep breathe out, smiling. “The pony they vouched for woke up today. He not only dropped charges, he let the court know what really happened and who the ponies were. I have never seen anyone so horrified.” I smile at her as she rants. I guess that wasn’t part of their plan.

As we walk to Whisk’s place, she talks about her day up to the trial. She got support from a lot of creatures, not just the princesses. She got support from various ponies, griffons, Minotaurs, and so much more. As she talks, I smile at her cheery attitude. Suddenly, she drops her smile as she remembers something. She looks at me seriously. “Anon, I have something to tell you,” she says. I stop and look at her with a quirked eyebrow.

“What?” I ask. She opens her beak to say something, but snaps it shut as she looks away. She mulls over her words before looking at me again, with a look of determination this time.

“Anon, would you ever consider having a girlfriend?” She asks. I shrug.

“Maybe,” I answer. She nods and looks down. After a moment, she looks back up.

“Anon, I want to say something,” she starts. I feel a little bit of myself perk up a little. Please, for the love of God, just ask.

“Alright, what do you want to say?” I ask. She looks at me for a moment, deeply into my eyes.

“I... I-I...” Come on, three words Whisk. “... I...” It seems as if Whisk looks conflicted, like she can’t decide whether to speak or to shut up. I wait patiently, waiting for her to continue. “... I wanted to ask....” Good Lord, just ask. “... Do you want to come to my family’s Hearthswarming party?” She asks. Her eyes widen as if realization struck her. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that she screwed that up, or her ‘Someone please fucking kill me’ face. I just stare at her for a minute.

“... Sure,” I say. Whisk smiles weakly, though I can clearly see she’s in mortal pain because of her own screwup. It’s a little hard not to laugh at.

“Gr-Great!” She says. “That is, Uh, great! That’s really, um, swell!” She continues, trying to play it off. This hurts me so much on the inside.

“Cool. By the way, your brother and his wife and kid are here,” I say, changing the subject. Her eyes widen and she looks at the sky.

“Crap! It’s already midnight! Where are they staying!?” She asks, looking at me. I open my mouth to answer, before shutting it once I realize I have no idea.

“... Maaaybe at your house?” I offer. She looks at me with fear before grabbing my hand and dragging me in a rush.

“We need to get there quickly!” She yells.

We arrive at her apartment, panting and sweating. We enter the room to find Bacon and Maple playing Uno on the couch, while Snowy is watching on with a cup of something.

“Plus four! Green!” Maple says excitedly, putting down a card. Bacon sighs.

“Darn,” he mutters, starting to draw a card as Maple cackles wickedly. Snowy looks over to us and smirks. She gets up, and walks over to us, taking a sip from her cup.

“Looks like you got off your butt,” she quietly comments to Whisk with a smirk. Whisk pants some more, but looks up to glare at her. I finally recompose myself, and walk in. Snowy and Whisk talk to each other quietly as I walk to Bacon and Maple.

“Sup crew?” I ask, sitting on the little space provided on the couch.

“Just losing to my own son,” Bacon mutters. I chuckle as Maple puts down a green two plus.

“Two more Dad,” he says smugly. I notice he has two cards left. Bacon, on the other hand, has over ten. I snicker as the two play. Bacon sighs deeply, but obliges. He looks over to me with a quick glance, but I know what he wants to know.

“It went smoothly,” I answer. Bacon smiles, and returns to his game.

“Uno,” Maple says, putting down a green three, Bacon smiles.

“This is where your streak ends son,” he says. He starts going through the numerous cards, only to find that he doesn’t have any threes or greens. He frowns as he has to draw cards again. Only to find a red three. Bacon smiles with a smug look and slaps down the card. “Ha! Now you-“

“I win,” Maple says, putting down a red eight. Bacon stares at the card with surprise before sighing.

“Lucky rascal,” he says. Maple and I snicker as the defeated father stacks up the deck.

As Maple gets ready for bed, Bacon takes me out of the apartment and sits me down. “Did she say it? She had the look, did she say it!?” He quietly whisper-yells. I snicker.

“She asked if I could attend a family Hearthswarming party,” I say. Bacon stares for a second before face palming.

“Oh good Celestia, she’s so dense!” He says. He sits against the wall, shaking his head. “I swear, it’s like she’s making it as hard as preening for the first time,” he complains, still face-palming. I scoff, sitting next to him.

“You’re right. She’s so cute though.”

Meanwhile.

Snowy looks around the living room after putting Maple to bed to see Whisk sitting on the couch, starting to dose off. Snowy rolls her eyes and walks over to her husband’s sister. “Hey, Whiskey,” Snowy mutters. Whisk wakes up and looks at the cause of her disturbed nap.

“Yeah?” She asks.

“Did you tell him?” Snowy asks. Whisk’s eyes widen and she chuckles nervously. Snowy squints her eyes. “You didn’t chicken out did you?” She asks. Whisk coughs into her claw out of nervousness.

“I... asked him to go to the family Hearthswarming party,” she mutters defeatedly. Snowy only looks at the purple dingus for a second before sighing, and face palming.

“Oh good Celestia you’re dense,” Snowy mutters. Whisk looks at her with offense.

“Hey, it’s not that easy you know!” Whisk whisper-shouts.

“No, I know what it is. You’re a little too much of a scaredy-chick to do it,” Snowy challenges.

Meanwhile.

“Pretty sure Whisk isn’t a chicken,” Bacon says with an amused look.

“Well, she definitely acts like it,” I complain.

“Then, why won’t you do it?” Bacon asks with rising amusement in his voice.

“Because I know she wants to say it,” I answer simply.

Meanwhile.

“I know you want to say it. So, why won’t you say it?” Snowy asks with a little irritation present in her voice.

“Because I might be too forward,” Whisk replies. She rubs her arm, looking down a little sadly. “I know I’m not the best at being...”

“... What?” Snowy asks.

“You know.... Emotional?” Whisk offers.

Meanwhile.

“You won’t egg her on because you’re not emotional?” Bacon asks, confusion clearly in his voice. I nod. “... Anon, you don’t have to be emotional to declare you love her!” Bacon exclaims quietly.

“I know, but that’s what Whisk wants,” I firmly assure. “And, I know Whisk is much more capable of that than I am.”

Meanwhile.

“Whiskey, Anon has about as much emotional tact as an elephant on a tight rope,” Snowy says, face palming.

“N-no! Anon is fully capable of being passionate!” Whisk defends. Snowy just deadpans at her.

“Really? His attitude definitely says otherwise.”

Meanwhile.

“Well that’s because it’s a facade,” I protest.

“Anon, your ‘facade’ made my wife mad. Five times,” Bacon deadpans, holding out five talons to emphasize his point.

Meanwhile.

“It’s not his fault he didn’t know you were in the guard the first time when you brought over weapons. The rest was just your own fault,” Whisk points out. Snowy sighs.

“Well, the point is, he’s probably waiting for you to tell him.”

Meanwhile.

“Look, the point is, she just needs some indication that you’re interested in her!” Bacon explains. I sigh.

“Look, I-“ I get interrupted by myself when I just so happen to glance at my watch. It’s almost eleven. Shit. “Crap. I gotta go,” I groan. Bacon sighs.

“Anon, please-“

“Don’t worry, I’ll egg her on,” I assure. As I turn to leave, I hear the door open.

“Hey Bacon, is Anon- Oh! There you are!” I hear Whisk say. I suddenly have time to chat some more. I spin on my heels to look at Whisk.

“Hey Whisk, I was about to leave, but I need to tell you something,” I quickly say. Whisk blinks.

“Um, sure, what is it?” She asks. Shit. I have no idea how to encourage her without telling her. My mind goes blank as I try to search for a metaphorical button to push.

“... You’re the prettiest griffon I’ve met,” I say. FUCK. TOO MUCH. PULL THE FUCK BACK!!! Whisk blinks again before blushing heavily.

“U-uh, um, I- uh, th-Thank you,” she stutters. Shit, she’s broken. I get a flash back to the annoying ‘Fix it’ soundtrack from Futurama. I’m trying to, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Thankfully, Whisk shakes her head to break out of her stupor by herself. I internally breath a sigh of relief. “Right, I um, wanted to invite you to a movie that was, uh, playing a lot recently,” Whisk starts. I nod, mentally calming down.

“Alright, when is it?” I ask.

“Tomorrow at one,” she says. I see Bacon’s eyes shrink. Tomorrow’s Thursday, which means it’s a work day..... Fuck it, I racked up a shit ton of vacation days. I just need to call in before the day starts. They should be able to call in someone easily. In the past year, we managed to acquire various suitable substitutes. In any case, I give a thumbs up.

“Alright. Sounds cool,” I say. Bacon gives me a silent, incredulous stare. I quirk an eyebrow at him while Whisk smiles widely.

“Great! I can’t wait!” She says excitedly before rushing back into her apartment. Weird. Normally, when we decide to go to a movie, she talks about how much it costs and stuff. Either she”s planning something, or whisk is getting tired. My thought process was interrupted by Bacon waving a claw in my face.

“Anon! Equus to Anon!” He says urgently. I blinked and look down.

“Yeah?”

“Don’t you have work tomorrow?” He asks.

“Yeah.”

“... And you can take a day off?”

“Of course. I have worked seventy two hours a week for at least a year. I’m bound to have at least one day off,” I shrug. Bacon sighs.

“You know what? Even I’m too tired to care. Just... Get some rest I guess,” he says. I chuckle as he walks into his sister’s apartment. I turn back, and start heading home.

I arrive at my house to see a strange sight. Sitting in front of my house, is a black cat. It just stares at me as I stare back. I squint my eyes. I’ve had cats before, they’re smarter than they let on. “I got my eye on you,” I warn as I walk up to the door. The cat merely stares at me as I enter my house. It’s not like I don’t like cats, I just don’t want to take care of it.

The next morning, I walk outside first to find the black cat nowhere to be found. I smirk as I think I’ve avoided having to give a fuck. I walk back inside and practically threw on some clothes. A red shirt and grey pants. I look at my Inspector Coat. I could wear it outside of work, but it’s actually rather nice to just wear my t-shirt in the winter. Nice and cold. I look at the clock once I’m done to see it’s almost five. I better go ahead and write a letter to Mr Asshat. He’s particularly fond of schedules. Like Bitchface. I sigh as I rub my face to try and wipe off the sleep and drowsiness. Alright, I’ll have to lay it on easy. I grab a paper and quill and sit down in a seat next to my nightstand. I tap the quill on the stand for a little before quickly writing the letter.

‘Dear Smooth Course,
Taking a day off.
Anon.’

I look at the small letter before nodding in satisfaction. Good enough. I grab a bag of money and stuff it in my pocket with my wallet. Time to run like hell.

I come back home, panting after I literally tossing my mail at Smooth’s face. It’s not my fault he just so happened to be there. Anyway, I enter my house and just plop on the couch. I pant as I catch my breathe. I lazily tilt my head up to see the remote resting on the arm rest of the couch. Convenient. I slowly take it and turn on the tv. Electronics in Equestria is starting to advance quickly, though I didn’t contribute to any of it. They just kinda figured it out. Anyway, I turn on the tv and it just so happens to be on the news. I watch on with a bored curiousness.

“Hello ponies of Manehatten, we are getting a nice look at today’s forecast, which seems to be scheduling a few minor rainstorms in the western part of Manehatten, but the eastern side of the beautiful city will get less rain due to an important meeting being held between all of the world’s major leaders. One of which, is Princess Celestia.” I quirk a brow. An important meeting? “About a year ago, there was a new law passed that was quickly taken down, known as the Addict Laws. These laws were ordered by the Crystal Empire’s princess, Princess Cadence, but not even two days later, the law was retracted as it deflated the ratios of immigration between Equestria and all the other various races. In order to prove Equestria’s claim of peace, the leaders decided to rename Equus. There have been many interesting names chosen, but only one name will be picked.” I sigh. I wonder what fucktarded name this planet gets.

Meanwhile...

Celestia bangs her hoof on the table in annoyance. “There is no way in Tartarus we’ll call the planet ‘Deathy Doomlamd!’” Everyone’s heads nodded in agreement as the dragon diplomat, Ember, sighs in shame. All of the leaders of the world sit at a round table, a glass of water provided to each of them. The Minotaur King snorts.

“I say we call the planet Minauria,” he says. The zebra diplomat rolls his eyes.

“That name is just a joke, when it’s used, it’ll only provoke,” He rhymes. The king scoffs and leans over him.

“Then what do you suggest?” He asks.

“Seeing as how we are competent, we shall name it, ‘The Great Continent’,” the striped ruler responds. Thorax, representative of the changelings, shakes his head.

“I’m not familiar with pony names, but even I know that doesn’t sound good,” he points out. A yak stomps his hoof onto the table.

“Yak says we call planet Yak-Yakia!” He declares. Everyone gives him a deadpan stare. The griffon ruler growls.

“Can we have one name that isn’t self-bucking-centered?” He seethes. Celestia is trying not to just bang her head onto the table. This should be much simpler. But no. That would be too easy wouldn’t it? Celestia gives a deep sigh and face hoofs. After this, she’s going to take a tea set, and get lost in the Everfree. Maybe they can figure out how to move the sun on their own. Then, suddenly, a claw raises from the hippogriff’s diplomat. Celestia cracks an eye open and sighs. Welp, she’s heard stupid names until now. What’s the stupidity this time? Celestia defeatedly gestures for the hippogriff to continue. The griff beams before clearing her throat.

“How about Earth?”

The room fell silent. Everyone stared at the hippogriff, who stands her ground. Even Celestia was looking at the diplomat in surprise. “... Why that name?” Celestia asks. The hippogriff shrugs.

“It was a name a funny creature told me. It was the name of his planet, despite his planet being mostly water,” she explains. Ember narrows her eyes.

“Funny creature?” She asks suspiciously. The hippogriff nodded.

“Yes, his name is Anon.” A pin drop could be heard. In one way shape or form, all the diplomats had their jaws hanging open. The hippogriff looks at them in confusion. “What?” The yak decides to speak first.

“Anon is considered honorary yak by yak kind! Anon is good funny creature!” The yak yells. “If name came from best funny creature, then yak approves!” Ember coughs nervously.

“I might have accidentally burned his house down,” she admits. The griffon cackles.

“Anon’s been a rather famous creature among us griffons! They say his attitude is as bad as a volcano!” He exclaims. The Minotaur King groans.

“He’s the only one who has the nerve to yell at me, for a bunch of useless paper! Still, I respect his bravery,” he says. Thorax smiles.

“Oh! I heard Starlight talk about Anon before! I didn’t get to meet him, but I hear he’s nice once you get to know him!” The zebra diplomat chuckles.

“Anon is that of an interesting enigma, though he was the first to befriend my friend Zecora. His anger is said to be great, I fear for those who suffer his fate,” he says. Celestia looks at them all with wide eyes before giggling uncontrollably. Everyone stops to look at her. Celestia retains control of herself, and smiles.

“When I met Anon, he told me to buck off,” she says, giggling inspite of herself. Everyone just chuckles, except Thorax, he’s gawking. “I guess I made the right choice when I made him Passport Inspector.” Everyone nods in agreement. “Now, who agrees with the name Earth? Especially since it is a non-biased name?”

12:30

I sigh in content, walking down the streets of Manehatten. Ponies are arguing, dogs and cats are fighting, and a hobo is offering me a shitty watch for fifty bits.

Just like home.

I keep walking towards the general direction of the cinema Whisk and I normally go to. I wonder if she’ll finally have the gall to say she likes me? I suddenly stop as I kinda realize something. I look up in thought. Do I like her though? As I think about this, I stare off into space. I mean, I do like her, but do I want to be that close? I mean, the last time I had a relationship, I was kinda hurt deeply. I almost got depressed. I look down and rub my chin as I go into deeper thought. I mean, I didn’t really think too much of this. When I figured out Whisk liked me, I just kinda waited for her to say so. Realization hits me as I think of that. I have been waiting seven months, just to hear someone say they like me... I smile to myself. I guess I’ll give it a shot. I certainly didn’t feel like this with my last relationship. I continue to walk, now smiling slightly. Fuck it, I’ll chance it. What do I have to lose other than the obvious?

I arrive at the movie theater, and spot Whisk in front of the building. She’s pacing, wordlessly muttering to herself. I smirk at the sight and approach her nonchalantly. “Hey Whisk!” I greet, causing her to flinch and spin towards me. She smiles widely and blushes slightly.

“Anon! I didn’t think you’d get here,” Whisk says with relief before she looks back at the theater. “The movie starts in a couple minutes.” She looks back up to me. “Wanna get popcorn?” She asks. I nod.

“Yeah, I’m a little hungry,” I admit. Well, I’m actually pretty fuckin’ hungry. Who knew skipping breakfast and lunch is rather hunger-inducing? Anyway, with my agreement, we walk towards the cinema with a fast pace. I quickly get ahead of her though, to open the door for her. That’s right, I know how to be a fuckin’ chap. She smiles sweetly at me and walks on in. Brownie points just got earned. I smirk at that thought as I walk in. We walk towards the concession counter, which is also the ticket counter. I see Whisk is already at the counter, waiting for me. I walk over, and look at what all is on the menu, which of course is just candy, popcorn, and various sodas. Thank God for sodas. As I’m looking, Whisk gets us two tickets, a large bag of popcorn, and two sodas. Looking at the menu, there are a couple of movies. Midnight, featuring an earth pony-turned-bat pony falling in love with another bat pony.... This is oddly familiar if the sparkling face of the bat pony means anything. What was that one movie called?... No matter. The next movie is about an earth pony literally grown out of the ground because of a couple’s wish. It’s called, ‘The Wonderful Life of Tiny Green.’ Hm. The next movie is even more ridiculous. ‘Passports Please.’ It’s a movie that kinda revolves around passport inspectors like myself. Too bad they didn’t ask me to be in it. I quirk an eyebrow at the next movie. ‘Sharktwister’. I smile at that one. I loved those movies, fuck the people who deny the existence of a fifth movie.

“Alright, thank you!” Whisk says, grabbing the bag of popcorn and a soda. I unconsciously grab mine as I walk with Whisk. I wonder what movie she picked? So far, she’s been a sucker for romance movies and dramas. However, she does like a little comedy.

It’s been two hours. The movie was Sharktwister. If she doesn’t say she loves me, I’ll have to tell her I love her. I keep snickering about the dumb joke from early on in the movie. It was a joke on some popular tape. It made me think of when I was last on Earth, watching an ad about tape. Or was it glue? I just brush these thoughts away as I look at Whisk. She’s smiling widely, with no care in the world as she throws her empty cup away. “Best choice, ever,” she simply says, walking with me. I nod with a hum of agreement. Suddenly, Whisk stops, and loses her smile as she seems to realize something. I stop as well, looking at her in confusion.

“Something wrong?” I ask. Whisk keeps her gaze on the ground, before looking up at me.

“Anon, I have to tell you something,” she says, a look of resolve clearly on her face. She’s determined now, no backing out. I turn to her, and nod, giving her the Okay to go on. She takes a deep breathe, and sighs. “... I uh, never really thought about relationships before...” she starts. I nod. “... and I’ve never had... a uh... coltfriend,” she continues.

“Which is surprising,” I comment. Whisk darts her eyes to mine, blushing. “Continue.”

“U-uh...” she shakes her head, getting her focus back. She looks at me, her determination back in full force. “I’ve been thinking for a while... about how I felt about you...” I nod. “... and I realized, that I have never really felt like this about someone before...” I nod again. “... Anon...” Jesus this is taking forever. “... I um...” For fuck’s sake it’s three fucking words, not a goddamn speech. As frustrated as I am inside, I keep my outward appearance naturally calm. After all, I remember how I asked my first and last girlfriend out. “... I love you,” Whisk finally says, her blush obviously present. I look at her for a minute before cracking a smile, seeing how nervous she is.

“I love you too,” I say, leaning down and pecking her head with a light kiss. I stand upright again to see Whisk with wide eyes, staring at the spot on her head that I kissed. I am so fucking glad that I stopped giving a shit about how a guy is supposed to act, otherwise I would never see this reaction. Whisk finally looked at me, blushing fiercely.

“R-really?” She asks. I roll my eyes, but I keep my smile.

“Whisk, I waited for seven months. If you didn’t say anything, I would have just confessed at Christmas,” I say. That’s kinda bullshit, I wouldn’t have done anything. I would have waited for her to find someone else. After all, you can only be unsure for so long. Also, I’m like, seven years older than her. I doubt she should actually be dating me. However, I have just kinda given up on caring. I’m thirty and my prime has passed. I think. Fuck it, who knows. Anyway, Whisk squeals with glee and fucking jumps into my chest. Thank God I can act swiftly, otherwise she would have fallen onto the floor. Sadly, even I couldn’t escape the bitch known as gravity. I realize this as I notice the ceiling is now in front of me, and I’m in the air, going down quickly. The weight of the purple griffon manages to knock the wind out of me. Whisk doesn’t seem to notice as she proceeds to nuzzle into my chest. At least she didn’t peck me with her beak. “Ow,” I mutter. Whisk looks up and pales before trying to get off.

“Sorry!” She squeaks. I just give a thumbs up before trying to stand up.

As Whisk and I walk down the street, with Whisk pressed against my side with a smile. As we walk, I notice a certain trio of griffons. One of which, is now a speedy bullet. I quickly took the pose of a goalie from soccer as the fur ball of joy known as Maple collides against me. I am getting a shit ton of bruises after today. I grunt on the ground as Maple hugs my belly. “Uncle Anon!” He exclaims.

“Hey kiddo,” I rasp. Whisk quickly walks over to us with a concerned, but amused, expression on her face.

“Are you okay?” She asks. I nod, patting the kid’s head as he sat on me.

“Maple! What did I say about tackle hugging?” Snowy chides as she walks up. Bacon follows suit.

“Anon, you alright?” He asks. I give a thumbs up from the ground. “Maple, can you get off of him?” Bacon asks. I feel the kid’s pressure leave before I can breath with less resistance. That boy has definitely gotten a little bigger, if not heavier. I get up, chuckling.

“How’s it going buddy?” I ask Maple, once I got back upright. His tail actually wags as he starts to talk.

“It’s been super cool here! I got to try some popcorn, a carrot dog, and I got a new hat!” He swiftly pulls up a hat from fuck-knows-where, placing it on top of his head. I smirk as I see that the hat is a little too big. The hat is a cap, with a red and white color scheme. Go figure. I freeze when I spot something. Maple’s feathers on his head are starting to be... pink? Actually, now that I have a closer look at him, the mostly-white and brown griffon-kid is now sorta-white, pink-ish, and brown.

“Wait, did you get new feathers?” I point out. Maple’s eyes start sparkling. I see Snowy face palm while Bacon smiles warmly.

“I forgot to tell you, my feathers are finally coloring!” He says excitedly. I quirk an eyebrow at Whisk, who’s also smiling warmly. Then, suddenly, the kiddo goes into hyperdrive as he starts running his mouth to describe how he finally noticed his color. The most I got out of it was- ‘I woke up... went to school... a kid said something... and dad was proud.’ The verbal machine gun finally ceased fire, and it took me a minute to realize that.

“Wow,” I simply say with the added expression that I’m impressed. I mean, I don’t really understand the significance, unless it’s something like losing a tooth. I’ll have to think about it later, as I now notice that Maple’s dragging me to the park so that he can show off his flying skills.

I see Bacon, Snowy, and Whisk talking amongst themselves as they follow right behind us. I look towards the sky and smile slightly.

I guess today’s been a good day.

Little special

November 23, 20XIX

I keep my hands in my jeans’ pockets, trying not to shiver too much in the cold as I walk to my new Mystery job. Five bucks says I’ll be a goddamn janitor. I sigh as I look at my shirt. It’s red, but stinks like hell since I haven’t been able to afford anything for about a week. I’m a bit skinnier than usual, but I’ll be able to eat soon. I look up to see the stone walls of the Checkpoint were a little ways away. There were a few buildings around it, one of which I could guess was for immigration purposes. I keep a steady pace as I walk to the area, looking around for signs.

There are a few guards, most of which are talking to each other. I notice one walk up to me as I search for any signs to point me where to go. “Halt! Creature, what is your business here?” He asks. I stop and look at him.

“I’m told to meet someone named Lucky Runner here?” I ask. He quirks an eyebrow and hums.

“Are you the hoomahn the Princess told us about?”

“Do you see any other fuckwits that look like me?” I sarcastically ask. He sighs.

“That language will get you fired.” I roll my eyes. “Lucky's in that building next to the wall,” he says, pointing to a two story building, with a sign that says ‘Management’. I nod.

“Thanks dipshit,” I say, walking over. He shakes his head dissapprovingly and trots off to continue his duties.

I walk up to the door of the Grey building, inspecting the first impression it gives off. There are various chips and cracks, signifying how crappy the place is. Even some of the windows were broken. I scoff and start to knock on the door, but I stop as I hear voices.

“...Thus, it gives me the greatest pleasure to KICK YOUR STUPID ASS OUT!!!” I immediately step aside as the door opens, and a grey pony with brown hair is launched out. The stallion grunts as he lands, and gets up.

“Ugh, stupid bitch, she’ll pay for this...” He gets up and brings a hoof up, similar to how I would flip someone off, before he starts walking away,

“Someone’s a little pissy,” I comment, walking in. I look over to see a small mare, red with a faded red mane. She has a horn, and she’s pissed. That’s a combination I don’t like. However, I am in the infamous emotional state of ‘no fucks given’. I lazily wave hi as I walk in. “Yo, I’m told to meet a pony named Lucky Runner?” The mare sighs and stands up straight.

“Are you the human I’m told to meet?”

“I literally just had this conversation,” I say. “What the fuck do you think?” She blinks before glaring.

“I think that you should shut your trap long enough to get through the first day,” she replies. I smirk.

“Finally, a pony who isn’t chickenshit-“

“Go to your office, it’ll be at the building built into the wall,” she says, turning to leave. I sigh.

“Gee, that’s a lot of fucking help,” I mutter. I turn back and walk out the door. Looking around, I notice what Lucky was talking about. It’s a small building, jutting out from the wall. It has two doors, one of which is labeled ‘Staff only’. I bet it’s a fucking janitor’s closet. I walk over, and open the door. I blink in surprise to see it’s an actual office. There’s a desk sitting against a wall, under a window looking into a different room. I quirk an eyebrow as I walk over to it. A mic? Stamps? Buttons? What the hell do I need this shit for? I take the chair back a little, and sit in it. I finally notice a note stuck onto a book. I take the note and read silently.

’Dear Anonymous,

Your task is to be the Checkpoint Inspector for the day. If you fail more than three times, you shall be sent to the dungeon for vulgar language in the presence of royalty.

The task itself is not hard, it shall be exceedingly easy. All you have to do is stamp Equestrian passports. The last Inspector was too slow, and made too many discrepancies. We had to close the Border for maintenance due to his poor actions. Now that we have reopened it, we ask that you do not screw this up.

I stare at the note in unamusement. So, their resolution to a problem with National Security, is to literally hire some random alien off the street? Furthermore, why the fuck would you only allow Equestrians in? Won’t that look racist? I shake my head at how stupid this is. I don’t even see how I can fuck this up on purpose. In any case, I lean towards the mic. “First schmuck, please come up.” I lean back as the first entrant walks in. It’s a pony. She stops upon seeing me. After a moment, she nervously walks up anyway. She hands me her passport, which was Equestrian. I look at the stamps I have. Green for approve, and red for denial. I use the green stamp, and give her papers back. She nods her thanks and leaves. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”

The next entrant is a crystal pony. I quirk an eyebrow as he walks up. “How the hell do you guys work?” I ask. He stops.

“What?”

“I mean, you’re literally made of crystals,” I explain. “So, how’re you able to move and shit? Are you just basically those vampires from that shitty vampire movie?”

“... What?” The crystal pony asks again. I sigh, take his papers, deny them, and hand them back.

“Sorry, we don’t accept bullshit creatures today,” I say. He sputters as he walk out with his papers. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”

The next entrant is a pony. He walks up, and hands me his papers, eyeing me suspiciously. I take his passport and look over it. Equestrian. I look at his name.

Marty McFaggot.

I start snickering. “What?” Marty asks. I burst into laughter and give him a green stamp. He keeps his confused look as I give him his passport. He shrugs and leaves.

It’s been a couple hours, and it’s nearly ten o’clock. I stamp deny on a dragon’s passport. “Sorry fucko, but Equestria’s stupidity is in effect,” I say. The dragons huffs and yanks his passport back.

“Figures,” he mutters, walking off. I start to lean towards the mic, but a pop and a flash stops me.

“Human, I wish to call off the-“ Celestia’s voice stops mid sentence. I look up and cross my arms as I see her shocked. “... Where are your citations?” She asks. I quirk an eyebrow.

“Do I seriously look that stupid?” I ask. She shakes her head.

“No, I mean-“

“All I have to do is see where they’re from, and make sure their papers are correct,” I say, shrugging. Celestia’s brow furrows.

“What do you mean, ‘see where they’re from?’” I get the rulebook and show it to her. She scans the words with her eyes and sighs.

“I swear that pony has no shame,” she mutters. She turns to me. “Human, I shall update the rules for you. Allow anyone with correct papers to pass. The current rules are now null and void.” She leans in. “Also, do not ever mention this blunder to anypony.” She straightens up. “Continue your work. If you receive five citations, I shall send you to the dungeons.” I quirk a brow at her. “Now, I know this may seem hard-“

“Don’t you mean if I receive any citations?” I ask. She stops and looks at me in uncertainty.

“... Very well human,” she says, unsure. I nod.

“Now, fucketh off Ass of Sun,” I say. Celestia narrows her eyes.

“Human, you’ve already tested my patience up to this point with your words. I advise you to cease your nonsense,” she warns. I laugh.

“Why bother advising me about that shit if I’m already being threatened with the possibility of going to prison over some paperwork?” I ask. Celestia stares at me for a minute before smirking slightly.

“You’re right, you’ll probably be sent to the dungeon anyway,” she confirms. She giggles. “You know, I believe it is foolish to be so arrogent of your abilities human."

"Don't care," I say, stretching my arms. She smiles smugly and teleports out. I sigh as I slouch. "Damn, she's annoying."

It's been quite a few hours. I look at the clock to see it's almost six. I sigh and continue my work. "Next!"

The next entrant is a griffon, gruff and buff as fuck as he walts into the room. He walks over to me and gives me his papers. "Man, can't wait to hit the gym," he says absentmindedly. I scoff.

"Dumbfuck, you already won, you don't need a gym" I say, stamping his passport green. Before I could hand him his passport, the alarms go off. I look around, confused, while the griffon looks over in terror. The shutters fly down, and I quirk an eyebrow. "The hell's going on?" I ask. Suddenly, an explosion sounds out, and the room shakes. "The fuck!?" I yell. I rush to my door and throw it open to find a pillar of smoke from a building. I see various groups of guards rushing to it. I don’t know what to do, so I back into the room. If this is a terrorist attack, then some random tall ape is gonna be suspicious to them. At the very least, I’ll look like someone who’s just scared. While I may not care about imagery of myself, I kinda want to stay alive. The griffon on the other side has left with his papers a couple minutes ago. I simply sit in my chair as I wait for someone to gather me up for something or another. The door opens, revealing a pissed off guard. I can immediately tell that I’m fucked.

“Who’re you working for you filthy bitch!?” The guard yells.

“I’m filthy? With that language, your mouth is filled with shit,” I reply. The guard growls and starts walking towards me threateningly. Or rather, as threatening as he can be. He leans into my face, trying to be fearsome.

“If you don’t answer questions ape, I’ll bucking rip you a new one,” He says. I snicker.

“Sorry, but I’m not in the mood to care,” I say. Before the pony could go on, a pop sounds as Celestia teleports into the room. She’s not happy. The guard scrambles out of the way as she walks up.

“Anonymous the human, I have warned you about making mistakes-“

“Didn’t you say there would be a citation or something?” I ask. She stops, looking at me in confusion before looking around.

“... Where did you hide it?” She asks. I shake my head.

“Didn’t.” Celestia looks at her horn for a moment before sighing.

“At least you’re honest,” she mutters. She turns to the guard. “I’ll deal with this, please continue to go to wherever you’re needed.” The guard salutes, and scampers out. Celestia sighs and sits down as the door closes. “Today, is really not a day for this.”

“Well make it night then, you have the power,” I smartass. Celestia scoffs.

"If only it were that easy." Celestia clears her throat and recomposes herself. "Come, human. I shall guide you to your new home." I quirk a brow.

"Wait, you were serious about the whole house thing?" I ask. She nods.

I stare at my new house with an unimpressed expression. It's literally a fucking shack. "... I could build something better than this piece of shit," I complain.

"Well, when you get the money, be my guest to buy something better," Celestia says. "Besides, I did not anticipate on you actually winning the deal. I grabbed the cheapest one I could."

"You know you could bullshit a little better, right?" I ask sarcastically. Celestia sighs.

"In any case, come back to work tomorrow. You'll work twelve hours a day, six days a week, and Sunday is your only day off."

"Why, so I can worship your fat ass?" I smartass. She rolls her eyes. "... Wait did I just get a job?" i ask.

"Yes. Now don't be late tomorrow," Celestia replies. Without a response, she teleports away.

"... Mother fu-"

Author's Note

Heheh, i pulled a sneaky on ya!

CHOOptah tenEIGht: Some REAL shizzle!

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Hm? What do you mean lunch break ended?... WHEN!?!? Oh shit! Uh, yes, so, um... Fuck it. Twilight did stupid shit, Anon yells at her, other people stupid shit, and Anon yells at them. Then, uh, Anon goes off and climbs a mountain! Yeah, and gets the, um bread! Because, y'know, hella bread!.... Please don't revoke my Narrator's lice-

Author's Note

April Fools!
I know this is shit, but I literally just remembered it was April Fools