Author's Note
Warning, this story, and particular chapter, is intended for an audience with a sense of humor; some scenes however shameful are for comedic purposes only. No spoiler, but, you've seen a lot worse than this online when your parents weren't around. Just admit it, there is no innocence here...
This has been written over many bottles of vodka, sleepless nights, and 1 flu cold for your reading pleasure... you're welcome, enjoy... That is all...
Avoiding the Parentals
“Holy FUCKING shit, Spike! Have you seen my vibrator anywhere?” Early morning cracked in like thunder, crackling shrieks and tumbling hooves as Twilight tripped over herself before her faithful companion. “Well, have you?”
“Wha...” Spike replied, breaking the crust from his narrowing eyes. “Your cheeseburger?”
“Vi-bra-tor.” Swiftly enunciating to the sleepy dragon.
“Oh, your tummy tickler? Why do you need that thing?”
“I just had the most amazing dream spike!” Grabbing the clueless bastard's cheeks and lavishly proclaiming her lush fantasies. “I was in one of those gift shop display cases and people were gathering around to watch me play patty cake with Pinkie but she brought out real cakes and she, uh... Well, I'll leave that up to your fantasies, I'm very bothered by it and I really need to work this one out.”
Adhering to her adamant pleas, Spike shrugged and laid back into bed. “Try the pantry, you were up last night grabbing olive oil for the popcorn maker”
“I already looked there.”
“What about the bathroom, you like taking it in there.”
“No, no, Spike, no... Don't you see, I've searched it twice now.”
“How about the freezer?”
“The freezer?”
“You've left weirder things in there like the library key, that copy of Lemony Snacklets Series of Unhealthy Eating Disorders, Applejack's hat...”
Shooting out sarcastically “I get it, I get it...” Twilight ran off in search of her fantasy fanstick. Spike rolled over, the sounds eluding from the other room started to bring him closer and closer to the unsatisfactory truth; it was time to get up, because there is no sleep with a horny horse. “Damnit!” Twilight confirmed as Spike rolled out of bed. “It's not in the freezer either.”
“I know you got to deal with your weird dreams, and so do I from time to time, but your parents should be here in an hour and this place needs to be...”
“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!” Scaring the poor dragon as Twilight exclaimed. “My parents, holy shit I fucking forgot. Damn it, damn it, damn it, ...” Twilight continued, panicking. “I can't let them find it, oh...” Lamenting sourly. “Where is it.”
Walking out to the cereal cabinet. “Maybe it's best that it's missing?” Spike tried reasoning
“And what if they find it first?”
Sighing “I just don't see what's so freaking embarrassing about them finding your special stick.” grabbing the Orionos and a fresh bowl.
“What's so ffff-FUCKing embaressing?!”
“Sorry...” Spike corrected himself “What's so ff-fucking” Emphasizing the 'F' “Embarrassing about it?”
Dumbfounding herself, Twilight came to her senses, returning herself to a 'parental guidance' level of reason. “You see, some times when a lady, such as myself...”
“Hey'ya Twilight.” Applejack interrupted, knocking as she entered the library “I just came to drop off that book I borrowed, how's it go'in?”
Retaining the panic inside, Twilight dignified herself to reply “Now's a bit of a bad time.”
“Why,” Quirking her head, curiously “What's rolling your oats the wrong way?”
“Ugh!” Twilight released, her lamentations flowing out before the concerned horse. “My damned vibrator is missing”
“Your jirating pussy juicer's missing?” Lacking any embodiment of awe
“And I forgot that my fucking parents are coming today.”
“You use that mouth around Spike all the time?”
“Welcome to my morning...” Spike welcomed, a poorly entertained stone face slowly chomping away at his corporate knockoff brand cereal. It was rather tasty, and had less bullshit in the ingredients. Though it was a blatant ripoff of Starlit Swirls, with the space themed marshmallows that squeaked so badly they gave you goosebumps when you ate them. It was still enjoyable. To be honest, Spike rather enjoyed these more than the original overpriced box, but he'd still rather be eating an extortionate priced box off ass than be bothered by Twilight's incessant rambles over a gosh darned 'cock in the box'.
“You know what,” Applejack shied away, “I think I'll leave you to find it and I'll just put this book right here all normal like.”
Desperately, Twilight began begging. “Applejack, have you any idea where it is?”
“I ain't got no damn clue where in your 'vibrator' done well gone and planted it flank... Wasn't Pinkie over last night to drop off some cupcakes to the 'Read-a-book' fundraiser at Appleblooms school?”
Frustrated, Twilight shook her head. “No,” Unwillingly dignifying the blatant sidetrack “She told me that when she was making the cupcakes that she forgot her sugar cookies in the bottom wrack and they lit on fire so she had to make a new batch --It's fine, I dropped the books off at the Sugarcube but we got more important problems,” Returning focus. “What happens if my parents come here and accidentally find my vibrator in the fridge?”
“Why'd it be in the darn fridge?”
“Or the cupboard, or the Brita...”
Applejack nearly choked thinking about the polluted water jug.
“I REMEMBER!” Spike shot out.
“Where Spike?” Twilight begged coarsely “Where is it?”
“I was cleaning up last night before Pinkie showed up, er... Woulda, and I put it away with a few loose magazines you had laying around it.” Patting himself on his scaly spined back. “Then I put them into a banana box so it would be easy to see,
“OOOOH SHIT!” Twilight shat out her mouth, running to the counter “HOLY COCK ON CELESTIA'S FFFF-FUCKING HEAD! It's FUCKING BOOKS!”
“See?” Spike congratulated.
“It's fucking CHILDRENS BOOK!” Rampaging the counter, spilling the box and it's contents before charging the door and down the street. Her rampid scramble darted across street and through ally, running herself into a familiar group. “Rarity!” Twilight huffed, dryly. “What time is it?”
Irking her head back, Rarity calmed. “Calm yourself darling, it's only eight twenty. What is your rush?” Returning to her posture.
“Then It's not too late, I can still fix this.” Rearing to resume her rampage towards Sugarcube Corner.
“No,” Rarity halted sternly concerned. Twilight dancing in place. “No, no. What ever is your hurry?”
“Spike lost my Vibrator in a box of lewd magazines that I accidentally gave to Pinkie for the fillies and colts at Appleblooms 'Read-a-book' fundraiser.”
“Oh my shitspangled stars, your cunt creamer is missing?”
Fluttershy's ears perking crooked. “She always told me it was her ponut polisher.”
“Well, I just say it like it is darling, and there is butter frosting all over it's edges.” Turning back to her sweating freaked out friend. “That's terrible, but who to say it's even yours anyway?”
“I don't know probably my engraved ass excavator, but what's worse is I think my diary is in that box too and all my kinky secrets!”
“Celestia only knows what kind of atrocities they'd find.'
“Shit,” Twilight cussed impatiently, gritting her cheeks together. “I can't waste any more time, I got to get to Pinkie before she delivers that box.” Launching off past her friends.
“Good luck collecting your flap fapper.” Fluttershy wished the passing pony.
“What makes you call it that?” Rarity questioned
“I'm just calling it like it is.”
Stumbling up to the doors, a large closed sign barred her entry from the fine baking establishment. Most believe that it was established in the early thirties but it was actually started twenty years prior when the head baker was still a moonshiner making hooch from straight sugar. They covered it up with the name Sugar Bag Sweethouse as a third rate candy maker but after word was getting out they had to cut their line of alcoholic cherries and eventually loose their business. Locals took the remains of the shitspangled hooch house and turned it into a respected joint. Spoiler, it was the same people under a different name and they restored the gutted building as a municipal tax break. It's clean now, but they still got a jar of pouched cherries in the basement if you know what to ask for. Now that I think about this, it's not really relative information for this plot but the young folks now will never appreciate a good western these days unless it has ninjas or aliens. Damn kids and their fudder mucking internet pornography and their fancy phones.
Twilight banged on the door but nothing. “Hey'ya Twilight.” Spry, bouncy, joyous pink goddess of hope, Pinkie Pie greeted from behind.
“Pinkie,” Hooves firmly grasping the rippled pink skin fur coat, shaking the poor unphased sugar crazed saviour. “Please, you got to give me that box back!”
“Yeah, the box.” Pinkie Pie confirming assuredly. Twilight's eyes desperately fixed, bouncing as her friend recalled. “Well, I got up extra early today because I felt super bummed about the mistake last night that I baked a fresh new batch of cupcakes.”
“The box!” Twilight re-railed.
“Oh, I finished that super early at seven so I already dropped it off.”
“Ssssshhh...Mnn!” Twilight bit her lip “Damn it to Celestia's whore house and back! I've lost my vibrator and all my porn!”
“Your rotating jolly clit cleaner is gone?” Dearly sympathizing, “It's alright you can borrow mine.”
“Don't you get it!?” Twilight shouted aloud. “I fucked up! I gave the wrong box to you and now they will be selling cupcakes with a side order of smut to the rugrats at Appleblooms school, and everyone, including the teachers, will know who gave them the shit because my name is engraved on that oversized ass pounder in Celestia F-f-FUCKING GOLD!”
Fallen over, a male bystander curled into a ball of laughter, crying sweet ironies to the heavens above.
Down the street and past the creek in a secluded part of the playground, Applebloom couldn't help but echo her confusion back to her peers “What do you suppose this thing is?”
“Hell if I know” Scootaloo shrugged, nudging it's handle.
“It kinda looks like a snake.” A cautious sickened gaze befalling it's supple blade.
“Don't be stupid,” Scoots dismissed, “Snakes don't have arms.”
“Maybe it's a magical key...” Sweetie Bell added in. “It looks weird enough to be one.”
“Then where are the teeth?” Scootaloo conspired, inspecting curiously
“These things kinda look like teeth.” Applebloom remarked, pointing unpleasantly close as her skeptical friend peered down.
“They look more like brass knuckles.” Scootaloo determined, scratching under her chin --as if anyone in ponyville even knew what the fuck a knuckle was.
“Well...” Sweetie Bell wondered “What does this button do?”
“Don't hit that!” Scoots patted the hoof away. “Everyone knows you shouldn't press red buttons.”
“Everyone knows that you gotta press the red button eventually.” Applebloom reminded grimly, gazing into it's impending damnation.
“Yeah...” Scootaloo agreed, slowly peering deeper into the abyss of the tempting destruction of the renowned red pimple, lifting the phallic anomaly for all to see.
Nonchalantly Sweetie Bell pressed the button to get it over with. It vibrated violently out of Scootaloo's hooves, onto the ground, squirming and flopping about vigorously in the dirt. “OH COME ON!” Sweetie Bell shouted. “It just vibrates!? That is supposed to be the end of the freaking world!”
“Boring.” Scoots deemed
“Lame.”
“Agreed.” Applebloom finalized, chucking the wriggling appendage beyond the bush line.
“What the hell?!” A voice called out, familiar, and curiously startled. “Hey...” Rainbow Dash uttered, identifying the squirming silicone ligament “How'd Twilight's rotating rump rammer get here?” Dressed in track and ready to coach, Rainbow tried tucking the dirt clung mare masher into her jacket.
“Wait, what is it?”
“Nothing!” ill-convincingly Rainbow slid the bulge of her jacket under her wing.
“Is that what the thing's called?” Scootaloo questioned, peering suspiciously at it's hiding place. “A rotten rump racer?”
“...Yeah,” Realizing the subtly lacking need for secrecy. “You two found it already, huh?” Relaxing her wing, but not withdrawing the vile shaft. “Makes me wonder where you got it from, and...” Quirkily wrenching her mind to ponder “Why she'd bring it out to the kiddy school to use...”
“Actually, we found it in a box.” Applebloom admitted.
Kicking up beside her senior, Sweetie Bell begged sternly “So what does it do?”
Rumbling strangely, Rainbow pointed to the pulsating bulge in her vest “Kinda... Well... Just that.” She confessed, fumbling to explain the mature complexities of such a indignant creation's application creatively to a younger audience.
Pressing the question for an answer “But why?” frustrated with the blatant stalling.
Reaching in to hoof herself, Rainbow Dash issued. “Because she's lonely, or something.” Irritated, unable to answer herself. “I don't know, like who the Tartarus needs a freaking ceiling mount attachment for this thing?”
Returning more civil, “Maybe she likes it on her face?” Sweetie Bell reasoned, prying some explanation. “Rarity like's a lot of weird things on her face.”
“Whatever.” Rainbow Dash shook her head defeated, the buzzing pulse unending on her side. The power switch, almost nowhere to be found. “I got to return this to Twilight, mind taking over at the fair for me while I'm gone? I'll be like twenty seconds...”
“But...” Applebloom begged.
“Why do adults never tell us anything!” Sweetie exclaimed Infuriated.
“That won't be necessary.” A cold, deep voice emerged. Everypony stood silent, the only noise coming from the tree leafs that rustled. Then again the voice spoke. “I do believe I am at my peek.” The eerie power of this strangers mystic voice echoing out, almost in their minds, but heard it as though it spoke adjacent to them. “I feel that I will no longer be in need of her any longer to sustain myself.” Floating out, the now quelled haunch hacker glowing archaically burning a trail of light in it's passing. A glowing light emerging from it's power switch as it spoke farther. “It is time for me, I do believe, to continue my journey.”
Slackjawed and shitting herself, Rainbow nearly turned grey as the wisp left her side like an apparition. “What in the nine levels of Celestia's fucking sex dungeon is this shit?”
Retreating from the bush, it's magnificent phallicy entrusted a final word before reaching the clearing of the foals school ground and began it's ascension. Not more than a few metres towards the sky it's glowing pimple caught gaze of the 'sunset sky purple' and majestic fading horizon it grew so well to know. “Twilight. Sparkle...” It echoed out loudly, stunning the entirety of the schools bake a book sale. A passionate crimson hue lathered the air with flustering bashful light that gleamed far and wide. The tall, distinguishable bastard shown a spotlight onto her. Though fat and definitely long, it rotated and jiggled with excitement. “It seems that I can bestow onto you my final wishes after all, in person.” Guiding towards it's owner. “You have shown me what true friendship can mean during our many nights together,”
“Nnn-neh-neh-neh-noo-hooo-hooo.” Twilight shunned, unheard. “You must be mistaken” Her acting as poor as two homeless people fighting over a used napkin.
“As well as the many things you have taught me about myself... love, fetishes... and even your deepest of fanatical adoration for your friends...”
“Please stop...” Sternly embarrassed, demanding the wool curtains pulled closed.
“You have treated me kindly, transformed my heart and parts. I was nothing until you came. I am truly honoured, and blessed to have been, your friend, and partner. Fair thee well Twilight Sparkle, it may not be the last we meet, but it will be an eternity without you.” Finally lifting back into the blissful morning sky. Sure enough, to anyone who knew her, it was Twilight's lonesome ass reliever alright. Magenta and metallic orange marbled snake skin rippling studded silicone, a stylistic inked heart engraved in gold, a red clitoris for an on button. Two swirled inanimate poseable tendril appendages sprouting out from it's hilt with a distinct stain tipped accent and conductive shocking prongs. A fixed size twelve hoof shaped concave studded grip with twelve speed vibration and rotary settings. Interchangeable mounting attachments, including a ceiling and a double end mount both still attached and still glazed in butter frosting around what appeared to be some kind of small spanking windshield wiper device... And of all things, brass fucking knuckles. It was a seriously pimped out fuck'in 'ass destroying', cock mongering knuckle fucker alright, and it was none other than Twilight FUCKING Sparkles...
“Holy shit.” Rainbow Dash gasped before a crowd of completely clueless unaltered adolescence and the panicked Mrs. Cheeralee who nearly fainted at the spectacle. It was a good thing that children are typically clueless as hell. Except Sunny, Sunny was a different sort. She knew what was going on. A while back, she walked in on two gazelles in the woods, and realized what was on those special VHS tapes in the basement. It didn't phase her, really, in a way it was a natural thing. Like when you know the roller coaster will make you nauseous but you still want to ride it, or how people say supper will be ready in a few minutes but they really mean an hour. Like two homeless people yelling at each other over a used napkin or why it's uncomfortable when the water splashes you back in the toilet. She understood about these things and wasn't ruined by the sight... But how in the hell a mangled Swiss army knife of dick could be used for such unhealthy profanity, she knew not how; merely that somehow, it was.
“Twilight?...” A worried voice called, sending deathly chilling air down the book nerd's already doused sweaty back.
“Mom?...”
“Was... That erotic rotating pony plunger device speaking to you?” Her mother asked. The humoured pony from before began pissing himself in hysteric laughter in the back even worse than before, rolling his ass over furniture.
