Battlefield friends: Pony Party!

The game: Battlefield 3.
The map: Operation metro.
A small unit of American soldiers had been sent to infiltrate Paris through the metro tunnels, under orders from commander Douchebag, fresh out of Colorado.

At the front of this operation, a squad of four American soldiers spawned in, followed by six colorful miniature ponies, all dressed up in military jackets, and carrying guns.

Pinkie pie was the engineer, treating RPG'S and grenades like firecrackers.
Rainbow dash was the Assault, striking swiftly, quickly and cleanly.
Twilight the recon. Being able to focus would help out her team.
Rarity support, since the bullets around her neck somehow seemed like a nice design for a coat.
Applejack was the engineer as well. Any tanks that need repairs or help getting out of craters and ditches was up to her.
Fluttershy was the Assault as well, Equipping both the small and large medical bags to help any inured friends.
(Yes, I know this isn't BF4. just roll with it.)

Behind them, Octavia had taken on the role as drummer boy, or in her case, Cello mare.
Derpy just sat AFK. The four U.S soldiers started forming up a plan.
Engineer: Ok, guys. here's what we do. Noob, follow me to the escalators. we'll provide suppressive fire at flag---What the sam shit is that"?

The mane six had started to move forward past the others, when they were stopped. Twilight looked at the engineer confused.
"What"?
Engineer: "YOU! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU"? He asked as both sides looked confused.

The noob and sniper stepped in.
Sniper: "They look like those ponies from that show creepy perverts watch."
Noob: "No, no. I think they more like cavalry units from the Barbie expansion to Total war: Empire."
Rainbow dash flew forward, pissed off. "I'll make you eat those words!" But twilight pulled her away with her magic.

"Rainbow, not now! we have to move!" Another U.S soldier ran by.
"Honey, listen to Twilight. the more time we waist not killing the reds, the less time we can spend in bed!"
Rainbow dash just scoffed. "Fine!" She went with the other soldier to flag B.
"Come on, dough boy. lets go kick some ass before we can get some ass!"

The BFF'S looked on, confused.
Engineer: "Are they..."?
Medic: "Yes. I guess they are, I'm not gonna judge."
Recon: "Ok, lets move."

As they approached the escalators at flag B, the bodies of several U.S soldiers dropped to the ground; The Russians had captured the flag. Engineer: "Shit! they got the flag!" Recon: "AHH, damn it!"

The engineer tried to think about what to do. Engineer: "Ok, ok. Noob, follow me as planned. Recon and medic will take a flanking rout. The rest of you, just push in."

Medic and Recon: "Ok." "Got it." Twilight hesitated, then proceeded to do as she was asked. "Alright, girls. lets go get them!"
"YEE-HAW! lets go Russell up some Human prizes!" The rest looked at Applejack confused, before running up the escalators.

Meanwhile, Rainbow dash and the anonymous soldier had killed numerous enemies, Rainbow dash even strangling and snapping necks of some. "Well, what now?" Rainbow asked.

The soldier smiled. "Well, we are behind enemy lines, far away from the action. I'll say we start up some action ourselves, if you know what I mean!" Rainbow grinned seductively, and kissed him while pushing him down onto the floor of the apartment at point C.

Back at B, The Americans suffered heavy casualties, Octavia having already prepared a miniature funeral for some of them, playing her funeral music off of her cello, barely audible over the gunshots.
Every time a soldier fell, and wasn't revived, Octavia rushed over to the spot with her cello, and began to play, while the other pony soldiers prepared a new coffin.

The BFF'S squad was huddled behind the center wall, where grenades were being tossed in left and right.
Engineer: "Jesus Christ! How many are back there"? Recon: "I don't know, but we have to do something!
we cant stay here!" Medic: "They come around that corner any second! we might have to fall back to A, and prepare a counter-attack." He tuned in to his radio. Medic: "Squad bravo, how are you holding up?"

Simon:"Uhh, not good sir! not good at all!" An endless stream of grenades was being flung at squad Bravo, pinning them.

Suddenly the medic received a new radio transmission. The voice belonged to the Lieutenant leading an attack elsewhere at the Siena crossing.

"Hey, uhh. this is the grand wizard. I'm gonna need you guys to get moving. Commander Douchebag is monitoring your progress, and he is not happy. If you all fail, I will banish you from space, and time. Butters! YOUR LOSING! STOP LOSING!!"

Medic: "GOD DAMN IT! Alright guys, this is all or nothing. lets just charge, pray for the best, and if not, fall back and reorganize at C."
All: "Got it!" They all charged at full speed, giving out battle cries, only to get cut to pieces by numerous MG nest and snipers camping in corners.

However, the luck of the dice would eventually turn in favor of the U.S. C flag had started to change control, so some of the Russian sergeants sent men over to investigate. This was going to be a very annoying thing encountered in all Conquest games: Trying to find that one lone enemy in the capture zone.
The squad of soldiers had breached the two apartments around C, but no enemies. They checked the bushes, and still did not find any.
They checked that truck sitting in the middle of C, and still couldn't find any. At least one soldier was roaming around the building right next to the right entrance to the metro station itself, when he heard strange noises.

It sounded like Peter griffin and Lois griffin at it if Lois had a sore throat, or something. The soldier entered the building, and found the two enemies at the top floor. He smiled, and was about to call for his friends.
"Hey, guys! I think I fou---OH MY GOD!!!"
What he saw could only be described as a horse-shaped smurf going down on a usas-12 frag rounds noob.

Neither of them reacted to his presence, but the one on his back just pulled out his M1911pistol, and shot the frozen soldier in the head dead. The rest made it to the top, only to shriek in horror, which now the other two noticed.

The rainbow horse hovered off the ground, and toting her M16, angrily shouted "WERE HAVING A PRIVATE MOMENT!!!" as she sprayed her gun all over the place and killing all 3.
Suddenly, blue tinted text appeared above her head: YOU HAVE BEEN PROMOTED.
"Lets go down and make out in that truck by C. at least we can contribute something to the team." The U.S soldier said.

All the way at flag A, the Engineer, noob, sniper and medic spawned in. Engineer: "Ok, ok. Everyone, take up positions around the perimeter and hold them off while we await for reinforcements."
Everyone else: "GOT IT!" The mane five were retreating back here as well. One of the retreating soldiers was angrily shouting at Rarity demanding ammo.

Ammo guy: "Come on, man! AMMO!" he shouted. Rarity was offended. "That's no way to talk to a lady! until you can learn some proper manners, you'll have to hoof it!" She walked away, leaving the poor guy enraged.
He started to angrily stomp around, kicking and screaming while a soldier nearby was operating a bleep machine.

A wounded soldier ran up to the group, limping with half his facial skin torn off.
"Help me! OH GOD, HELP ME!" he screamed.
Fluttershy let out a horrified shriek and flew over, along with the noob to help him.

Noob: "Ok, where does it hurt?" The soldier looked at him. "Wait, what? it doesn't matter! heal me!!"
Fluttershy objected. "NO! we cant help til we know where it hurts!"

Noob:"Is this a big bag, or a little bag problem?" he asked. The medic was surprised.
Medic: "Noob. stop. Don't do this again. we talked about this on Golmud railway." Fluttershy held up two of her bags. "Is this gonna require a big bag, or little bag?"

Medic: "You too??" Fluttershy and the noob looked at him angrily. "Yeah! These bags contain different things!"
Medic: "It doesn't matter! Just throw one down!"
Noob: "We cant do that, because we don't know whats wrong with him!"
Medic" Are you serious? IT. DOESNT. MATTER!" The soldier looked at them impatiently. "How long is this gonna go on? Am I getting help, or not?"

Fluttershy hesitated. "Well, I---"
Medic: JUST THROW HIM THE FUCKING BAG!" Fluttershy screamed, and dropped the bag as she curled into a ball, and hid behind her wings. The soldier healed, then walked off. "Thank you!" The noob was upset at the medic.
Medic: What?" Noob: "He is going to have severe side-effects!"
Medic:"It doesn't matter! Its a game! He'll be fine!" The noob and medic continued to argue as Fluttershy trembled behind a trashcan.