Respawn?

It was testing day. I hated testing day. I always wound up being the last guy picked, sure, but that was actually a blessing! What I hated, was Dr. White, the man in charge of making clones and weapons. I looked to Willy number sixty-nine, and frowned. “Best prepare for the worst, I hear this new weapon is from the quantum line, who knows what the hell is going to happen.”

“Eh, we’re probably going to die or some shit, then they’re going to bring in the next line of clones after improving this piece of shit after finding out what goes wrong with us. No time like the present.” William said with a resigned look on his face.

I deadpanned, “Dude, this is the Quantum line. Last time we tested one of these, we made a guy turn into a candy bar. It screamed.”

William shook his head dejectedly, as he ran a hand through his messy brown hair. “Hopefully this one doesn’t have any adverse effects, but seeing how shitty my luck is, it probably will. This morning I poured myself some cereal and a snake was in the box. This is a SECURE facility, how the fuck did a boa constrictor get in MY box of Cheerios?”

I shrugged, “Maybe it was a prank from one of the Betty clone. They are some crazy ass bitches. One of them actually collects the remains of other clones. She bronzes them dude. DON’T FUCK WITH A BETTY!”

“Hey, the last time I interacted with one was when I shot her with the experimental rail-gun. Not my fault they didn’t know how to dodge.” He said with a wry grin.

Dr. White then pointed to us, “Shut up and head in for testing, beaker freaks!”

“Eh, fuck you too, Dr. White. Everyone here knows you fuck the clones from the Candy series. Seriously, why the FUCK do we test SEX TOYS in a military facility?” William snarked back at the doctor, who was sitting in a protected glass box above the testing area. His expression quickly turned to one of bliss as a Candy stood up, wiping her face off. She winked at him seductively before sauntering through the door.

Dr. White looked down at us, “At least no one will hear of this from you two clowns, you’ll probably be dead at the end of this. Begin the test!”

A strange looking blue metal gauntlet then was dropped at Williams feet. He picked it up and slipped it over his right hand. The gauntlet didn’t seem to be made with a specific hand in mind, simply to fit over a hand, be it left or right. He flexed his grip a few times before walking towards me.

I cursed mentally before I decided to go out with a bang. I took out a wireless intercom mic that I snuck into my pocket earlier and smiled as Dr. White broke out into a cold sweat, “Wh-what are you doing with that, Johnny five twelve?!” He shouted, moving to the door with the intent to get it from me before I could do anything with it.

I smiled with an evil grin on my face, putting the mic up to my mouth, “Good afternoon, everyone in base Alpha Niner November, as we all know, the esteemed Doctor White heads up all testing in this facility. However, what you don’t know is that this fuck has so little of a sex life he has to use clones that he made to get any action. Here’s looking at you Candys, so that you may continue to give this man relief.” I then pulled out a recorder, saying, “If you don’t believe me, here’s a recording I ‘acquired’ the other night, and here it is, for your listening ‘pleasure’.” and promptly played it into the intercom mic. I finished by dropping the mic on the floor theatrically, laughing my head off as the sounds of Dr. White getting some filled the compound..

William grinned, saying, “Well, there’s our final send-off, might as well get this done before White gets in here to make our last few minutes Hell.” William reached across his left, bringing the arm around rapidly and pimp smacking me across the face.

There were suddenly colors surrounding the two of us as the gauntlet disintegrated into a fine, blue dust. It split into two parts and flowed into each of us, each getting the same amount. The area around us was a flowing rainbow of colors, with vague sounds and a dull rushing noise surrounding us. Suddenly, with a *pop* my vision cleared and we were a few hundred feet off the ground, falling rapidly towards the horn of a statue of a hybrid unicorn/pegasus. Damn, it had a huge ass.

“Oh, FUCK ME RIGHT IN THE ASSHOLE, WE JUST SURVIVED THIS SHIT!!!” I screamed as we fell. When I turned to see William, he just looked like he wasn’t giving a shit as always, falling with his arms crossed.

“Buddha, Jesus,Superman. Batman, SAVE MEEEEEEEEE!!!” I screamed right as I was skewered by the horn… JESUS fucking CHRIST that hurt! The pain was just compounded when William fell onto the horn, seconds after I had. The lucky bastard seems to have died on impact, and here I was screaming my head off as I was forced further onto the horn. Right as my vision was darkening, I saw William pop next to me and his body with a confused look on his face as he began falling to the ground forty feet below. My vision blacked out and my eyes snapped open.

I looked down to see another body of William, with him standing next to it, and noticed his first body and my first body. I then noticed that I was falling rather rapidly towards William, and he was clearing the area I would land in. I landed on his corpse with a *CRACK* of breaking bones and groaned.

“What the fuck man, we died, but we didn’t die… ARE WE IMMORTAL?!”

“Fuck man, I don’t know, I just died twice, and I’m looking at my corpses right now, so you tell me.” William said in his normal deadpan tone. I took note that we were surrounded by humanoid looking creatures that seemed to mostly have horns on their head. A few of the ones in the golden armor had wings, and some had none. I noticed all of them had hooves instead of traditional feet. They had shackles from the eighteenth century with them, and were pointing spears at us threateningly.

I looked to the probable guards and smiled, “Why hello there, my good sir, may I ask what you want with us? We are terribly lost. Might I say you look quite handsome today, I bet you get all the women with that uniform and-”

The guard smacked me in the face, “I am a mare you imbecile! Learn to tell between genders you balding minotaur reject!” She continued frowning at us, though mainly me, as William hadn’t spoken to her yet.

I frowned as I recovered from the slap, no longer wanting to be polite, “Weeelllll Sheeyot! Not my fault you look like you’re packing a deputy dangle in that armor.”

She blushed beet red and levitated the shackles, yes, levitated them! She shackled both of us together with a length of chain connecting our arms to each other. The winged guard, who I was pretty sure was male if this one was a chick, grabbed the chain and promptly took off towards the castle in the distance. I looked to the sun rising behind us and grinned, remembering my off time playing Dark Souls. “PRAISE THE SUUUUUUN!” I screamed enthusiastically, causing the winged guard to jump and nearly drop us. We were rapidly approaching the castle now, it seems we were only a few blocks away despite it looking like a mile.

I then spun myself around to the guard and grinned, “So… what is with the armor making you all look gender neutral? Are they uniform, or that unicorn didn’t want to wear a bra, or…?”

The guard shook the chains and huffed, “I will drop you if you insist on insulting my marefriend like that again.”

William spoke up for the first time in a while, “Please do, you’ll do us both a favor. We get out of these chains, and you get to pretend we’re dead.” The guard looked a bit disgusted, then grinned when he noticed something.

I shrugged as I saw us get right over what looked like the royal gardens and grinned “Hey, bird brain! Your marefriend looks like a dude wearing a codpiece, maybe she wants the mares more than you want her!”

William grinned slightly, the first time I’ve seen him do so since we got here, saying, “I don’t know James, maybe ‘she’ has a dick and he hasn’t gotten to taste the sweet salty forbidden fruit of boy love. He’s probably too much of a pussy, I mean, he won’t even drop us! I bet he’s the bottom in their relationship, and ‘she’ fucks him in the ass!” the guard snorted at this and promptly dropped us into the garden. We were falling straight towards a large tree, and I could see a large white body beneath it.

I look to William and smile before snapping his neck and shoving his body beneath me, using his newest dead body as a cushion. He respawned a foot above his body, looking at me in annoyance as we were falling, with me holding his old body beneath me. I landed with the crack of his bodies bones, and he landed with a painful sounding *slap* in the pond that I saw as we were falling. He swam out of the water looking at me in further annoyance as he wringed out his now soaking clothing.

I walked over to him, ignoring the two ladies who were looking on in confusion, grabbed his chin and the back of his head, and snapped his neck with a rapid twist. The two ladies gaped at the display and William just shook his head as he respawned, saying, “Really, you just had to use my body as a cushion, then kill me to dry me off? I mean, you just traumatized these two ladies, just think, what would have happened if they were… Nevermind, one of them is a kid, you just traumatized a child. Good job, James.”

I looked to the two of them to see that the white furred one was looking at me in shock, and the younger one was staring as well, in equal parts shock and anger. “We art thousands of years thine senior, whelp! We should crush thee underhoof like the insect you are!”

William grinned at the imagery, saying, “I mean, we are kind of like cockroaches, the bastards are nearly impossible to kill, and so are we.”

I nodded and grinned, “So, mind introducing us? Seems like we’ll be in your hair for a long while.”

The white one smiled, “Well, for one, it’s manes, and for two, we are the princesses of the sun and moon. I am Celestia, and this is Luna.” She then looked to us, “Tell me, what manner of creature are you?”

I grinned, “I’m James, this is Willy, and we are humans.”

William looked at me in annoyance when I introduced him as Willy, and then said, “My name is William, not Willy, and if you’re thousands of years old, why do you look like a fourteen year old, Luna?” He said, looking at the blue lady. “Also, what kind of creatures are you? I’ve only seen your kind here, and not where we’re from.”

Celestia chuckled as Luna fumed, “Her power has been greatly diminished, it will return in about a week’s time. As for your other question, our people are called ponies. We have four tribes proper, including Earth ponies, Pegasi, Unicorns, and us, the Alicorns.”

I nodded before looking to Celestia, “So, you single?”

Luna looked to me in rage, “How dare a commoner such as thou attempt to court our dearest sister!”

“I mean, if you’re jealous of your sister, I could start courting you next week when you’re back to looking like an adult. I must say, you should fill out rather well into an attractive women.” William said, causing Luna to blush profusely.

Celestia chuckled, “Maybe later we can try this, but for now, we have to make sure that you are safe for Equestria.” She then smiled as a letter materialized in front of her “And I know just the person to send you to…”

She then swept us up in some sort of a magic field and we teleported to what looked like a farm of some sort, with six mares drinking bottles of what looked like cider. There was also a small purple lizard-like creature with green spikes going down its back. It immediately noticed us, and we overheard it saying, “Hey girls, I think we have company.” The six looked over at us, and the white furred one with curly purple hair did a spit-take when she saw us.

“Hello girls, we were sent here by Celestia so that you could keep an eye on us, so I hope we’ll get along nicely.” William said, with a somewhat smug grin on his face.

The Pink one started jumping excitedly, “Oooh! Two new friends to plan parties for! Birthdays, Welcome parties, the whole kit and kaboodle! I am so happy I just gotta bounce! Oh, by the way, I’m Pinkie Pie, who are you?”

I stared at her mesmerized “I am so happy you just gotta bounce.” I then smacked myself out of it and smiled at the others, who were having a shared, if not very different reaction. “Er… I’m James, and this is William, we are humans… kinda.” I turned to William “Do we still count as human with the respawn, dude? It’s kinda not normal.”

“Meh, I’ll take it, we’re still the same genetically, so does it matter?” William responded, shrugging.

I nodded before looking to the other six people. What, I include the lizard-man as a person. I’m not a dick. “Ummm… Should we explain?”

The purple one nodded “Yeah, what is this ‘respawn’? Is it some sort of power?”

I shrugged “Beats me, just know that when we die, another us shows up fine and dandy and takes our dead bodies place as us.”

The blue one looked to me skeptically “Yeah, right, like I’d believe that load of-”

*SNAP!*

I snapped my neck as she was talking and fell down, right as I walked over to my body and grinned “Believe me now? I could show you again.”

The purple one tackled me and promptly began questioning me at mach ten. “How-did-you-do-that-that-was-incredible-you-gotta-tell-me-please-please-please!”

I promptly smiled and shrugged “How about I tell you what I know if the pink one goes out on a date with me?”

Pinkie blushed a deep crimson as she looked at me before she looked to the Purple one “I-I don’t mind, Twilight… M-mom and dad were saying it was about time for me to join a herd anyway. A-and he seems nice. And cute.”

I frowned “Woah woah woah, you think I’ll bang you on the first date? I am a gentleman, my dear lady. I treat women with respect! Wait… Herd? You mean I could get together with more than one gal and NOT be labeled a sleaze by the public at large?”

William was just leaning against an apple tree with an amused look on his face as he watched me interact with Pinkie and Twilight. The white unicorn walked casually over to him, saying, “I can’t help but notice that your clothes are reminiscent of prison wear, but the wrong color. Do you mind if I inquire as to why that is? Oh, and I’m Rarity by the way, and she’s Applejack, she’s Rainbow Dash, the shy one is Fluttershy, and the dragon is Spike. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

William shrugged, noticing that the rest of the girls and Spike were now looking at him. “We are clones, and we were used in a military facility to test weapons and other items, such as body armor, so they gave us the cheapest stuff they could easily get, which was this.”

The girls looked like they were about to break down crying at the thought of people being used in experiments, and Pinkie was sniffling at the thought.

I shrugged “Hey, what’s with all the frowns? We got out, sure it was… odd… that we got here from a quantum pimp slap, but hey!”

“What’s a pimp slap?” Pinkie asked innocently.

I turned to William. “It’s your turn now, take this as payback for pimp slapping us into an alternate dimension.” I drew my arm across the chest and pimp slapped him as hard as possible, causing him to spin with the slap, almost with a dancers grace. After about two rotations, he fell flat on his ass, he then glared at me and spat out a tooth.

“Alright, while that may have been fair turnaround, I do NOT appreciate you ruining my perfect teeth. Now I have to die again to fix them.” At this, he reached up and snapped his own neck. He spawned next to the body, looking down at it and shaking his head. “So, why have we been here for the past twenty minutes, instead of going inside somewhere?” He asked, looking to the girls for answers.

Pinkie Pie smiled, “Because the authors have been writing dialogue for three days! Trying to figure out who says what!”

Everyone but me looked at Pinkie questioningly, I simply looked her in the eyes. “Solaire says what?”

Pinkie and I spontaneously knelt down simultaneously, screaming at the top of our lungs, “PRAAAAAISSSE THEEE SUUUN NORMIEEEEEEEE, REEEEEEE!!!!!!!”

Everyone was now looking at them questioningly, and William turned to the rest of the girls, minus a dragon kid who was conspicuously missing. “This is why Dark Souls was banned in the facility. This fucker right here was constantly doing that shit in the middle of tests. Also, side note here, but where the hell did Spike go? I could’ve sworn he was here a second ago.”

I then looked to Rarity and frowned “Did you do something to the purple boy?” I winked at Pinkie who grinned as we spoke in unison. “He’s just a boy!”

“And that, my friends, is why memes were banned shortly after Dark Souls was. I mean, this guy did this shit all the time, it gets annoying fast. He even managed to get feminism banned, constantly ‘reeing’ and shit.” William said, with a somewhat smug look on his face.

I shrugged, “Hey, there’s no facility here, soooo…..” I leapt into the air and shouted, “I am king of the world, Leonardo Di Caprio!” As I was in midair, William swept my feet out from under me, causing me to faceplant into Pinkies bosom.

[Inside James’ mindscape]

‘Error… Does not compute… Brain, give me status!’

‘She cannae take much more sir! Dick is taking all the blood flow and heart is beating like we actually exercise!’

‘Dick, loosen up man! We can’t get hard right now!”

‘Dick.exe has crashed, marshmallow heaven protocol too intense’

‘So, what’s going on in here?’ I heard Pinkie’s voice in my mind. At hearing the last thought before my brain shut down out of surprise, she grabbed the back of my head and pulled me deeper into her glorious bosom.

I screamed in my head as a miniature me opened the hatch in my mindscape, ‘Abandon ship!’

Only then, my testosterone grabbed him, “BE A MAN! GO OUT THERE AND SHOW HER YOUR WAR FACE! AND PREFERABLY YOUR DICK TOO! I AM IN CHARGE OF THAT URGE!”

Pinkie Pie popped up next to Testosterone. “Well, aren’t you a big, strong stallion. You think you can handle a mare like me? Well, let’s see it!”

Testosterone then, after screaming like a little girl at her jumpscare, said, “I‘M JUST A BUNCH OF CHEMICALS GIVEN SENTIENCE IN A MADMAN’S MINDSCAPE, YOU WANNA GET LAID, GO FUCK JAMES!”

Mini Me then blushed as well as real me as Dick booted up again before shouting in the mindscape, “Yo! Wassap! We finally banging, or should I go into the tissue again?!”

Pinkie then grabbed mini me and -Oh my god they are doing it in my brain!

[Back in reality!]

I gasped as I came to and I saw Pinkie wink at me flirtatiously, several thoughts, and mini-me orgasms, running through my mind as I turned to William. “Holy shit she’s in my head.”

William looked on with a ‘what the fuck’ look on his face, before suddenly screaming, “Holy fuck, get outta my head! Trust me, you DON’T want to be in there!” The rest of the girls were now wearing the ‘what the fuck’ look that he had just dropped.

I pointed to Pinkie, “The sexy one, she knows the jedi mind tricks! Run for the hills, lest she violate our mental selves!” I turned and bolted, grabbing William’s hand before running for the nearby forest.

After about nearly a minute of us running, we slowed down, only to start running again immediately, as we were now being chased by a lion/scorpion hybrid with bat wings. After another ten minutes of running, it gave up, right as we reached a rope bridge that crossed a chasm, leading to a run-down castle.

I quickly jump kicked the door open after sprinting across the bridge, with a cry of, “Leroy Jenkins!” Promptly landing with a wooden board gouging my eye socket and going straight into my brain. I then respawned right next to my corpse and smiled as I walked in, William calmly following me shortly thereafter. I looked around before I looked to William.

“So… Dungeon crawl?” William asked, looking around the entrance hall that we found ourselves in.

I nodded, as I spoke in a false British accent, “Indubitably good sir. Whatever we find, we bring to the main room to look over.”

I went west as he went east, smiling as I found myself in the armory, seeing various swords and such until I found a sword and dagger from my dreams. It looked like the handle for the exalted blade from that one game I played… What was it? Warframe? Yeah, Warframe. I grabbed it and it flared to life, “Oh hell yes.” I then pocketed it and looked around until I saw what had to be the most badass armor ever! It was seemingly made entirely from different Dragon parts! The leather jerkin that went under the armor seemed to be made from the webbing of a dragon wing, and it was a solid, natural black in color.

The actual armor was made from alternating reflective silver and onyx black scales, forming a solid, if somewhat spiky, surface. The shoulder pauldrons were skulls of lesser drakes, and the helmet was reminiscent of Sauron’s from Lord of the Rings. The horns that made up the crown of the helmet were made from the teeth of dragons, and were slightly crooked, not all facing the center perfectly. The hands and feet were thematically styled after a dragon’s claws, with the cape being made of the rest of the wing leather, lined with an unknown fur. It was seperated down the center of the cape, with bones lining the outside edges to give it the appearance of dragon wings.

I tried to take the impressive armor, but was blocked by a thick glass, I looked around until I found an amazing, if somewhat grisly weapon. It was a dark grey jawbone, which was around four feet long, from the bottom of the handle to the tip of the ‘blade’ if you could call it that, as it was a jawbone, with long teeth coated in a dark navy blue metal. The back of the jaw was held in dragon hide, and I saw the carved part of the jaw that was fashioned into a handle was also wrapped in Dragon leather.

I Grinned and grabbed the weapon as I smashed open the glass before grabbing the gear and a few pieces of armor made from the same blue metal that I figured William could use, namely shinguards and a half mask shaped after a lion's muzzle.

I walked along to the area beyond the armory, and frowned as I saw what looked like a cave in of the castle, I smiled as I took out my exalted blade and slashed a few times before walking through the newly made hole.

I came into a room with two statues, one of what looked like a dragon-wolf hybrid, and one of an odd creature that seemed to resemble a Yeti, but had four legs and bone like spikes running along its limbs and body.

I walked into the room and jumped a little when the statues sprung to life! I quickly drew my weapon, only for the yeti creature to start rubbing its head against me like a cat. Huh… Welp, It’s time to see William, maybe he found something to explain this shit.

[P.O.V. William]

As James headed to the west of the entrance hall, I went into the east wing. After walking for a couple of minutes down the hallway, I came to a pile of rubble that blocked the hallway further. Luckily there was a door the left side of the hall, which I promptly entered. Upon looking around, I noticed an amazing looking set of robes that seemed to be in pretty great condition. I slipped it on, and noticed that, as I was putting on the various pieces of the outfit, it was fitting itself to my, admittedly lanky, body.

“Well that’s interesting.” I muttered to myself as I finished putting on the breastplate, the whole ensemble now fitting me perfectly, as if it had been tailor made for me. I looked around further, now that the robe were on, and I was no longer distracted, and noticed a shelf full of books that were chained to the wall. I easily broke the chain, as it was rusted nearly all the way through, and popped open the book that was on the far left of the shelf. I felt a distinct pain behind my eyes as knowledge filled my mind, and then the book dissolved in my hands.

I now knew the full extent of the necromantic arts, along with how to use multiple corpses to make a super corpse minion. I popped open the next book, and was assaulted with the same pain again, this time learning how to corrupt a being and bind it to me. It was possible to bind it without corruption, but the corruption was helpful in keeping binded creatures docile. I opened the third book on the shelf, and my mind was flooded with how to make dark magic constructs, from weaponry to elemental manipulation. I also noticed a short staff sitting behind the remaining three books, which had a pulsing dark purple crystal as a focus with a blade coming out of the top, going beyond the top of the crystal and forming a sharp edge.

I grabbed the staff, tucked the remaining three books under my right arm, and left the room, looking towards the rubble that had blocked my way. I tapped my new staff against the ground, causing sickly purple crystals to sprout from the ground and open up a path that I could walk through. I went past, and entered the remaining bit of the hallway, which only had a single door that looked like it would lead to a vault of some sort.

I went up to it, and on attempting to open it, was knocked back a few feet. I growled in annoyance at the door, before an idea came to me. I could use my magic to destroy the door from the inside. I promptly did so, after making a couple of crystals to protect me from debris. I entered the vault, surprised to find it largely empty, save for two pendants in the back of the room, which seemed to be hearts of some kind. I grabbed both, and immediately felt a rush in both my magical power, which I felt as a kind of current constantly running through my body, and my physical ability. I walked back to the entrance hall, where we had agreed to meet back up, and sat there waiting for James to get back from his exploration.

[P.O.V. James]

As I walked back with my haul from the armory, and the two creatures following me. “Hey, Willy, you want a dragon-wolf?” I smiled to my Yeti cat, “‘Cause I’m keeping this little rascal.”

William looked up from the pendant he was examining and tossed it over to me. He looked over the wolf, and nodded, with a wide grin on his face as it rubbed his hand with its head. He scratched it behind the ears for a few seconds, then he motioned to a couple of books at his side. “Read these, it’ll give you magic powers. I got necromancy, corruption/binding, and dark elemental manipulation from the three I read, so I recommend you read these.”

I nodded and looked to the first book as I opened it, the knowledge of Blood magic filling my mind, I quickly opened the second to learn necromancy as well, then at the last one I learned Enchanting/ Mystic smithing. I then quickly explained what I learned to William as I put on the pendant.

I smiled “I’m naming my buddy here Jack Frost, you?”

“I’m thinking Lupis, or something along those lines. So, these pendants are interesting, seeing as the one I gave you enhances physical attributes, while the one I kept enhances magical ability. From what I can tell, it’s about a 2.5 times multiplication for both of them.” I nodded, noting the rush that I was feeling from wearing the heart pendant.

I grinned to him, “So, we BFFs now?”

William shrugged, “Fuck it, why not. Not like there are any more Candy’s in this place.”

I grinned, and was about to continue, when the girls rushed in frantically, Twilight looking to us as she screamed, “What in Celestia’s name are you doing?! Those are the forbidden artifacts of the Dark Dragon Lords! They corrupt everypony who wears them!”

“Whelp, they’re ours now, and I ain’t noticing any corruption. Perhaps it’s because, I don’t know, we’re NOT PONIES!” William shouted back with a grin on his face.

Pinkie pouted, “I wanted to see James’s Deputy Dangle...maybe kiss it a bit.”

I hid behind William, not wanting her anywhere near me “NOPE! Begone THOT!” At my shout, the castle trembled a little, before I saw Celestia and Luna, who looked pissed at us.

I looked to William and sighed, “Take me sunbuns, take me and spare little Willie. He’s but a boy.”

“MOTHER FUCKER, I’M A YEAR OLDER THAN YOU!” William shouted, looking over at Luna, who seemed livid. “Well, I think now’s a good time to dip out, see ya!” A hole opened up directly beneath him, and he fell straight down, with Luna’s attention now on Lupis, he seemed to notice and immediately followed William down the hole. It closed up as soon as Lupis was past the mouth, and suddenly their attention was fixated on me.

I sighed “Whelp, at least I get to-SEEYA BYE!” I to the nearest window and jumped out with Jack following close behind, me running like mad as I reached the way down some stairs and found a giant crystal tree. I looked behind me to see Celly and Luna chasing after me before I leapt into the cave off to the side.

“Oh, hey man. This tree is weird as fuck.” I jumped slightly at William’s voice behind me. Celestia and Luna were looking around for me, Celly talking very… sensually about bananas and heard William speak. They looked towards us predatorily, and William continued, “So, what is this place?”

They froze as they saw the tree behind us and paled. “Ummm… How about that date for your silence?” Celly asked.

“Sure, but that doesn’t answer the question.” William frowned at her.

I shrugged “Well, why don’t we do this, you let us keep this shit, and our pets, plus you go on a date with us, and we will forget about this tree for until you feel ready to talk?”

Luna fumed “How darest thou blackmail us! We are thy princesses!”

I frowned “Well, actually, we didn’t become your citizens, so, your crown means nothing to us.”

“He has a point, you know. Technically, we don’t exist here, at least currently. Also, I am very attached to my dragon wolf. I mean, just look at him, he’s amazing!” At this, William was scratching behind Lupis’s ears affectionately.

Celestia frowned, as if weighing her options, she then smiled, “Okay, but you have to do that thing you did with Pinkie every morning.”

“So, you talking head in the tits, praise the sun, or literal mind fucking?” William asked, curious as to how much she knew.

She smiled lewdly, “Yes.”

“Well, RIP you buddy. It was nice knowing you, you know, even though you’re immortal.” William said sarcastically to me, before turning to the Princesses. “Also, if I might ask what exactly it is that we picked up in the castle?

She frowned “The armor made from the dragon lord that King Sombra allied himself with, and when the dragon died, Sombra had him made into the finest of weapons and armor. He then inlayed them with the most potent magical enchantments we had ever seen and laced them with Dark magic, the very fact that you two are not killing everything in sight is amazing.”

Luna smiled, “Oh, and don’t touch the gem on your staff, it’s a dragon’s… excrement..”

“So, this dragon shat out a Dark magic crystal? What, can it not digest magic or some shit?” William asked, looking at the crystal in a new light.

Luna nodded, “All of the magic the dragon ate coalesced into that crystal, exactly that shape, and was then made into a staff made from mythril and its marrow. When it was being forged, the metal was quenched in the blood of the dragon, which gives the entire staff Dark magic properties. We would like to examine you for corruption at some time in the near future, to make sure that thou art truly safe.”

Celestia then pointed to my club-hatchet “Both halves of the dragons jaw were fused into that club, with its teeth added in later, as well as a crystal of pure blood he found in its heart inlaid in the pommel.”

I raised a hand, “One, that’s awesome, two, am I doing all this with you, or Pinkie?”

She grinned and answered by burying my face deep in her tits, at which point I blacked out, waking up in a fancy room later, buck ass naked and with Celly panting next to me… Dayum.