Respawn?

I found William sitting at a bar, unconscious, with fifteen bottles of whiskey sitting around him, along with a half empty keg of rum. There was also a larger, completely empty keg of the same stuff, with what looked like gold leaf on the lid. I shook him awake, and when that failed to rouse him, I shouted loudly in his ear, “Run Will, ITS A BETTY!”

He snapped awake, sinking into the shadows beneath the bar. Unlike the last time that he had done this, the shadows looked like they had actually been disturbed, rippling like water. He poked his head out of the rippling shadows, looking around, and, upon finding none of the aforementioned Betty’s, raised himself out of the shadows. They slicked off of him like water, which was odd, cause you know, light. His horn flashed with a purple light, and his eyes cleared. “Well, I assume from you waking me up in a bar,” he started, kicking an empty bottle of whiskey for emphasis, “that my coronation is sometime in the next hour?” I nodded, and he shrugged. “Well, let’s see how the populace reacts to somebody named ‘Death Dealer’ being a member of the ruling class.”

At this, a timid looking unicorn mare got up from behind the bar, where she had seemingly been hiding, “Sir, we still need to discuss the terms for your ownership of this bar,”

William turned slowly, “I bought this bar last night?” she nodded, “Did it have anything to do with the various bottles of alcohol around here?”

“When I refused to serve you after the sixth bottle, you asked, and I quote, ‘Does the limit still apply if I own the bar and all the booze?’ which, after examining the law, it did not. For curiosity’s sake, why were you so insistent on drinking these last couple of days?” she answered.

“Oh, just my imminent throne and therefore responsibilities. Shit sucks. I would turn back into a human, but that would likely raise too many questions as to why the newest alicorn mysteriously disappeared.” he gave his draconic wings for emphasis, “Anyways, I’ll pay you to continue working here and whatnot, just let me know if you have any problems.”

On that note, he teleported us back out into the throne room, where Celestia, Luna, and a third, much shorter, pink alicorn. She balked at the sight of William’s wings, and his general appearance, as his fur was a kind of unhealthy looking chalky bone white, and he was rather bony.

“So, what did I miss on my two day drinking spree?” he asked nonchalantly, ignoring her obvious discomfort.

“So, we’ve been talking…” Celestia, Luna, and Cadance all looked to each other, with Celestia starting off.

“Death Dealer may not be very well accepted to the general populace…” Luna continued.

“So, we think it might be a good idea to change it to something reminiscent of our names.” Cadance finished.

“You know what, considering that I like Greek mythology, I’ll go with Hades. That name doesn’t have connotations or negative stigma around it, right?” At seeing them shake their heads, he grinned, “Great, it was a toss up between that and Thanatos.” At seeing them flinch at Thanatos, he shrugged, “Guess that was the right choice then.”

His clothing flared up, morphing into a neat black tux with blood red pauldrons. He looked at the pauldrons contemplatively, and his horn lit up, removing them from existence. “The ceremony will be in thirty minutes, and it will likely be considerably more robust than James’ was, if only because of you being an alicorn.” Celestia informed him. He strode out of the throne room, and Ruby passed him as he walked out. She looked back at him, then at the rest of us.

“So… what was that about, and why did he smell like he drank an entire bar full of booze?” she asked. “Also, why was I asked here?”

I smiled to Celly, who smiled back and nodded, “Well, he is going to be coronated as an alicorn prince, so he decided to drink his problems away. As for the reason we brought you here, that was for a certain offer to you, extended from James and I.”

She frowned with worry, “You aren't sending me back, are you? I don’t want to leave, I know you have James, but...”

I smiled, “We were wondering if you, along with one other mare, would like to join our herd.”

She positively beamed with joy, “Really?! Y-you don’t mind that I’m a Diamond Dog?”

I shook my head as Celly smiled warmly, “We would love to share our stallion with you.”

Luna smiled ecstatically “I have another sister! Huzzah!”

“Sadly, our time grows short, and I have to deal with Hades’ coronation, so I will bid you two adieu. Maybe you would like to accompany me to Ponyville for a meeting with Twilight and her friends afterwards?”

Ruby nodded happily as I chuckled, “Sure thing sunbuns, keep on being a rocking princess, okay?”

I headed out to the building across from the balcony, where Celestia was giving her typical coronation speech. I say typical because it was basically identical to the one she had given for me on my coronation, minus a few embellishments. Unlike the last time, all three of the alicorn princesses were present, I assume that because I wasn’t an alicorn, they hadn’t needed to all be present for my coronation.

Yog materialized from the stonework next to me out of the blue, “There is a dragon approaching from the south, and he looks angry!” he said, startling me slightly.

I frowned as I thought of the potential damage a dragon could do here, and looked to Yog, “Can you try to warn William? Try to get him to speed up the coronation, or something, I don’t know.”

Yog saluted, melding back into the ground, and I saw him through the window of the balcony, talking to William. I turned to Ruby, willing my armor to materialize. “Can you keep overwatch while I go deal with the dragon?

Ruby grinned as she took out a steel recurve bow that had unfolded from her pouch “I’ve got your back, love.”

I kissed her on the cheek before taking off of the roof and flying for the dragon, taking out my club as I charged my power into it, planning to use my power in combination with my speed to knock this guy out into fucking orbit. I dipped towards the ground, trying to give myself an optimal angle and speed to hit it. I saw it in the distance and aimed at it, coming up on it rapidly. I uppercutted it with the club, and it began flying rapidly into the sky, its body limp. I was pretty sure it was a guy, and I was also pretty sure he won’t be coming back anytime soon, considering the blood trail he was leaving behind.

I flew back towards the city, or more specifically, the roof of the building across from the palace balcony. I landed, startling Ruby a bit, as I had literally just dropped in from pretty high up. William was saying something about him being the alicorn of life and death or some shit, and if what I’d seen of his magic, he could probably pass it off as true, even though half of it was completely unrelated to his cutie mark.

“So, Ruby, you wanna maybe grab some gems to eat? I’ve been curious about the taste of them for a while.” I said with a grin as I pat her rump.

She smiled with a blush as she nodded. “Y-yeah, I’d like that.”

As I took her to the palace, I wondered how a diamond would taste, and decided to get some of those. I walked over to the trainyard, got some coal from it, and compressed enough for two diamonds roughly the size of an apple each, and I walked over to Ruby, handing her one which she took a bite from. “Mmm~ Diamonds are always so sweet…”

I grinned and took a bite as I then stumbled from the immense delicious flavor. “Oh, hell yeah! Diamonds are like fucking watermelon! But no juice! It’s like watermelon candy!”

Ruby grinned as she walked with me through the palace gates. “You know, if someone ever told me I’d be in a herd with Celestia, and be happily munching on a diamond with such a cutie, I’d call them a liar, then have them mentally evaluated immediately.” She chuckled as I looked to her worriedly. “Don’t worry, I just have to follow protocol for that, mentally ill diamond dogs are dangerous, they could cause a cave in, which could be… really bad.”

I noticed we were coming up on the throne room and smiled to Ruby, “Wanna see how William is doing with the whole alicorn spiel?”

We walked into the throne room, where a shirtless William, or Hades now, I guess. I noticed that the playing card had changed slightly, the top half being a regal looking man holding a rod of Asclepius, while the bottom half was the same skeleton holding a scythe. “Oh, hey, what’s up?” he said upon noticing our entrance.

“... You better explain this shit fast or I’m going Betty on your ass.”

“So, basically, I got poisoned, they insisted I go to the hospital instead of die, I decided comply, just to see where it was going, saved a guy’s life, and my cutie mark evolved. Celestia and Lulu have no clue how the fuck it happened, considering this is the first time in recorded history a cutie mark has evolved.” he paused, “Oh, and I cured myself of food poisoning as soon as we got there, though I’m like ninety percent sure it wasn’t actually food poisoning, just normal poisoning. Also, wing changed.” he said, waving a now feathery wing. His other wing was still distinctly draconic, so shit was weird. “Pretty sure I’m actually an alicorn now, as well.”

“Well, fuck me sideways.”

“I’m sure Ruby, Celestia, or Bright Mind would be quite willing.” he said as a mare sketched his mark. He pulled off Luna’s mark from his arm, and right then I began questioning my sanity. At my look of disbelief he answered my unasked question, “Oh yeah, when I got mine, I enchanted it so it was removable. Didn’t you?”

“... I fucking want to smack something.” he grinned. As Celestia then presented her rear trollishly, to which I simply smacked her ass and kept my hand there to feel it jiggle. “Do you regret trolling me?”

“Nah, especially since this is all real. Luckily enough, flight is magic based, or I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to fly with these mismatched wings.”

“...I was talking to sunbuns, whose sunny buns I now grope.”

“And, I responded, under the impression that this shit was so unbelievable that you thought I made an elaborate illusion just to troll you, including physical sensations. The best part is, that’s true.” I snapped awake, Ruby shaking my shoulder, William, or Hades, still sitting with mismatched wings and an altered cutie mark.

Hades was looking at me on the floor, Celestia was blushing, and Ruby backed off slightly to give me room to get up. I flapped my wings, shooting towards Hades, who had just enough time to stand up before I punted him in the nuts, knocking him into the ceiling. He immediately healed his aching nuts as he floated back to the ground on his mismatched wings, glaring at me all the while.

“So… when did I fall asleep?” I asked, breaking the growing tension.

“Oh, right after you slapped Celestia’s ass. You kept talking while you were on the floor though, weird shit.” Hades answered. I ain’t ever going to get used to calling him that.

Luna then piped up, “We are fairly certain she enjoyed it.”

Everyone in the room but Celestia laughed, who only blushed harder the longer the laughter continued. “Don’t we need to head to Ponyville for the meet and greet?” She teleported a sickly looking bird in a golden cage into her hand. “I have an idea to troll Fluttershy, leaving Philomena here unattended with her while I entertain some other guests.”

I frowned thoughtfully, “Phoenix?”

“Phoenix.” she replied.

“Hey, that’s our thing!” Hades replied indignantly.

“Learn to share.” Celestia snarked. “Also, we’ll be taking chariots to Ponyville, so if you’re ready to go we should leave soon.”

As we all turned to leave, Hades turned to Luna, “You coming?” he asked.

“We need our rest. We fear that we were up much earlier than normal, so our sleep needs catching up on.” she replied, a slight frown on her face, disrupted by a yawn.

We headed out to the courtyard, where a chariot was waiting for us. I got as up close and personal with Celestia as I could, and Hades seemingly decided to just teleport there. Ruby hopped up after Hades left, groping my ass playfully as I did the same to Celestia.

She was silent as the guards flew us to Ponyville, me and Ruby basically playing grope conga line as I eventually heard Celestia grunt out, “Stop... p-please…” To which I relented and simply let my ass fill Ruby’s hands. She took her hands off of my ass as we neared Ponyville, and we set down just outside of Sugarcube Corner. Hades uncloaked from the nearby shadows, or maybe stepped from them, you never know with him, and waited by for us to land.

“Sup, Hades, how goes the killing of old people and the birthing of babies? I smirked before continuing, “Is your ‘livelihood’ making a ‘killing’ lately?”

“If you don’t stop with those puns, I’ll make you stop, and trust me, you won’t like that,” he replied, his voice taking on a dark undertone.

I frowned, “Jesus, what has you so on edge? Rarity talking shit again?”

“Worse. She was HITTING on me.” I gaped at him in horror. “Why the hell do you think I went invisible? Other than the constant bowing and scraping, I had to deal with the town’s deluded mare trying to hit me up.”

I frowned as I looked to Celly and Ruby. “Can I increase her taxes?”

Celly nodded, “Yes, but why?”

I frowned, “Because I hate that racist bitch, over half of those names on the list I showed you? They were from her. Most of the more offensive ones too.”

“Ah, that reminds me, I get a township or a city. What should I take though?” Hades remembered.

Celly smiled, “Manehattan is available. And it is Rarities biggest supplier of fashion materials. Not to mention a VERY taxable economy.”

Hades grinned, “You know, next time I’m in Canterlot, I’ll have to make that official. Tax all exports of fabrics and sewing related materials.” He laughed, “Maybe start a fishing economy, export to griffons and dragons, maybe other meat eating races. Tax exports, use them to promote other races coming to Manehattan, see if I can’t change it from how it is.”

I then laughed as the announcer came to us, a small little guy with the term midget applicable to him, bowed to us so fast he fell over. “My princes, princesses! It is an honor to meet you, may I introduce you?” We all nodded, and in a surprisingly deep and masculine voice for a guy so small, said, “Now announcing, Princess Celestia, Prince Hades, and Prince James!”

From inside the building we heard Rarity’s voice yell, “NOOOO CELESTIA! NOOO, CELESTIA PLEASE NO! NOO! NOO! NOOOOOOOO!”

“Does that count as insulting?” I asked Celestia.

She shook her head sadly, “Sadly it does not, since it could be directed at something else.” She strode in the door, with me right behind her, holding her hand. Hades seemed to be debating whether or not he should just leave, but I made the decision for him by grabbing him by the shoulder and dragging him inside.

Inside, Rarity was wearing an extremely fancy, glittering dress. The rest of the ponies in the room were wearing sensible clothing, but of course Rarity was wearing a dress that, if sold, could probably feed a starving African village. She was threatening anyone who got too close while carrying any manner of food item. We each sat down at the long table, and Fluttershy was just settling down, looking like she had sprinted here. Celestia set the gilded birdcage clearly in Fluttershy’s line of sight, waiting for her to take the bait.

As soon as Fluttershy began talking to Celestia about Philomena’s health, Celestia ‘randomly’ got a letter, requiring her presence at the city hall, to do her princessly duty. All the while, Hades was straight up ignoring Rarity, who was still trying to hit on him. Spike was looking on, hearts in his eyes, as Rarity essentially did the same thing as him. I took Spike to the side, and frowned as I tried to think of how to break this to him… eventually going for blunt as hell. “Rarity is using your crush on her for free labour.”

Spike looked to me angrily as I raised a brow, “She would never do that!”

“Hey Rarity, are you just leading Spike on to get free labor out of him, or do you actually like him?” Hades asked, having overheard our short conversation.

Rarity, thinking that Spike was out of earshot apparently, immediately replied, “Oh heavens no! Just think of the scandal that it would cause if I had relations with a DRAGON of all things. The little dear has his uses, but I’d never consider an actual relationship with him.”

“So you do lead him on in order to get free labor?” Hades asked to clarify, to which she nodded.

I looked to Spike, who had overheard everything, and walked with him to Rarity, “We heard and saw everything, bitch. Your free ride on the Spike Express labor train is OVER!”

Spike looked her square in the eyes and growled. “I never want to see you again, you are an absolutely horrible pony, and I NEVER want to see you again.”

As he left, I then took a cake slice nearby and ‘accidentally’ spilled it on her. “Oops.”

She immediately started cussing me out, but before she could get too into it I said something that shut her up. “You know, if you keep doing that, I’ll have to seize all of your assets and holdings, financial and material.” I said sweetly. I grinned as her face began turning more and more red, before she eventually let out a huff and stalked off.

“You gonna do it anyway?” Hades asked me, grinning.

“Why of course, good sir! I just love psychological torment!” I replied, grinning right back.

Twilight then walked up to us angrily, but much more reserved than Rarity. “Why did you ruin Rarity’s dress, James?”

I smiled at her calmly, “I have no idea what you mean, it was an absolute accident, and she started cussing me out, which is, by the way, a punishable offence. I WAS going to let her off with an increase in her taxes, but now, I WILL seize all her assets and holdings, both financial and material.” I smiled coldly at Rarity “Enjoy the poorhouse.” Before she could even reply, I cut her off to talk to Twilight some more. “Oh, and Twilight, Rarity was NEVER oblivious of Spike’s feelings, she was just using him, your basic son, as a source of FREE. LABOR.”

“So, anyways, Twilight, I was curious, have you ever heard about a cutie mark changing?” Hades asked out of left field, trying to diffuse the situation before people got arrested.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not possible,” she responded, picking up on his attempts to change the subject. They launched into a discussion about the changes to his mark, and Rarity backed away slowly, glaring at me all the while, until she ran ass-first into the wall, at which she turned and left haughtily.

I may have caused her clothes to come undone with my architect ability as she left. Judging by her screams, she was left publicly naked. I then shouted to the guards, “Seize that streaker!” At which they tackled Rarity into the dirt and arrested her. Other than Twilight, the rest of their group was now glaring at me, so I explained the situation to them. Rainbow, who I expected to be the most outspoken against it, didn’t speak up, so I assumed that Rarity had recently done something to her or against her.

Ruby then smiled as she held out her paw to Twilight, “It is an honor to meet you, Twilight, Celestia told me a lot about you. And don’t worry, all good things. I must say, that was quite the show. Really showed that racist bigot her just desserts.”

“I’m gonna go check on Fluttershy, see how the search for Philomena is going.” Hades said, and Twilight followed him, waving her goodbyes to her friends. I borrowed a set of guard armor, heading out to Fluttershy’s house with the other guy in tow as I tried to keep from bursting out laughing. I had slightly edited the enchantment on the armor to make me look like a pony, but otherwise left it alone.

Right when I was about to open the door, Twilight’s aura surrounded it, opening it quickly. She gasped upon seeing me and the other guard, the other guard saying, “We were informed that we could find Twilight Sparkle here.”

“We regret to inform you miss, but the royal pet has gone missing,” I said, nearly perfectly removing all inflection from my tone.

“Really, you don’t say…” Twilight said, obviously nervous. It was pretty hilarious watching her sweat, and William was just floating in the air above us, clearly knowing what I was up to, as he winked at me when I noticed him and held a finger to his lips. Philomena coughed, causing the basket in Fluttershy’s hands to bounce. At this, both Twilight and Fluttershy immediately started fake coughing, “It’s that dry night air,” Twilight wheezed in explanation.

“But it’s daytime…” Fluttershy corrected her.

“Yeah, it’s even drier,” she retorted, “Now you two had better be on your way, if you want to find the princesses pet, Philomena was it? Thank you ever so much for keeping me in the loop, byee!” she said as she pushed us out the door, magicking it shut in front of us. I could hear her hyperventilating, so I knocked on the door. The other guard just walked away, heading back to the chariot presumably.

“Twilight Sparkle, you have an infestation in your house, some hooligan left a bunch of snakes and spiders in the Golden Oaks Library. It is reported that a unicorn is trying to hybridize them.”

“OH SHIT! Fluttershy, screw the bird, we need to get those snakes and spiders out of my house!” she said, running out the door, followed closely by a bedraggled bird.

“And the princess was inquiring as to your job search! She recommends something entry level, like a Hayburger establishment!”

Twilight, her fat ass being WAAAY out of shape, was too busy running to talk as I willed a rock to trip Twilight, making her fall into a stream. It was fun being mean sometimes. She then screamed “The FUCK did that rock come from?!” Hades just teleported off somewhere, probably to the town square so that he could see what went down with Fluttershy chasing Philomena.

I then flew to town and smiled as I redressed in my normal clothes, as in my armor over a T-shirt and pants. I walked to the town square and pretended to be shocked and surprised at Philomena’s supremely theatrical death, to which Fluttershy started crying bloody murder.

Celestia then simply walked past Fluttershy and Twilight before kneeling down to Philomena's ashes and solemnly saying, “Oh Faust, why?! Why did Fluttershy have to kidnap you when all you needed was some of my magic?! I could have saved you! Why?!”

At this Fluttershy began crying harder and Twilight was pale as a sheet. Before she grinned, “Gotcha.” Celestia said, her grin widening at their shocked expressions. “Really Twilight, I expected you to know what a phoenix was.”

Twilight and Fluttershy's eyes twitched as they promptly proceeded to pass out.