Respawn?

I was standing in Celestia’s room, waiting for my signal to head out onto the balcony next to her. William was presumably hanging out with Luna, who, for whatever reason, was still awake at ten in the morning. Yesterday, after getting fitted for the tuxedo that I was going to wear for the ceremony, along with a dragon-scale arm greave that was actually my armor. I had enchanted it to shrink down into a single small piece of armor when I wanted to wear normal clothes, and at a thought it could cover me entirely. I had stated my distaste for the tux that I was wearing, as it made me look like Blueblood, but I understood that as much as I disliked it, it was a rush job, so I couldn’t complain.

I smiled as was I ushered onto the balcony by Celestia, she smiled warmly at me, “My dear people, as I had said, I have learned of Blueblood’s treachery, and thus, he has been stripped of his titles, and his nobility. All of which, along with the control of Ponyville as royal overseer, has been transferred to James here, your new prince!”

The nobles polite applause was overwhelmed by the cacophony of cheers and cries of joy from the lower classes of Canterlot at my being made a prince. My suggested rules, which had been heard by the castle’s servants, along with Celestia’s approval of them, had been spread through the lower classes of Canterlot by said servants. I looked at the roof of the building opposite the balcony and saw a unicorn sitting atop it. He was holding what appeared to be a crossbow, and the only reason I thought he was a unicorn was because of what looked to be a horn holding up his hood. I noticed William and Luna become visible behind him, and they teleported off in a burst of shadows, bringing the would-be assassin with them.

I noticed Celestia looking towards me, expecting a speech or something. I sighed and stepped up. “As you have all heard, I am the first non-pony royal in Equestria. I don’t know if another non-pony will become royal, but what I do know is that things WILL change. The treatment that the nobility and the racist masses impose upon those of mixed descent, or those not ponies… It is NOT acceptable. I swear to you all that it will be my mission to not only garner peace with our neighbors, but to stamp out this rampant injustice in our culture, yes, our culture, because while I may be no pony, but you are my people, my subjects, and I will see to it that my duty to serve you, all of you, is fulfilled!”

With this, Celestia placed a circlet of gold on my head, with a ruby gem in the center over my forehead. We headed back into the room, where Luna and William were waiting. “So, the assassin is waiting in the dungeon for interrogation.” Luna said.

Celestia frowned, “What assassin?” she asked.

“Oh, there was just a unicorn assassin on the rooftop across the street. As much fun as it would’ve been to let everyone find out about his immortality, there would’ve been riots, so we shut that shit down. Which reminds me, I really need to get onto the guards for letting an assassin into an event like that,” William explained.

I shrugged as Celly looked to me questioningly, “Hey, beats me, I don’t exactly have tons of nobles scrambling to be my friend.”

Celly sighed, “Well, we should try to see what the scumbag knows.”

I gasped playfully, “Such language my dear!”

Celly huffed, “No one hurts those I love.” At realizing what she said, she blushed deeply, as did I.

“Anywho, if you two are done flirting like school children, we should probably go interrogate this guy. I have something that I wanna try on him.” William said impatiently, then teleported us to the dungeon.

A gray unicorn with a silver mane was chained to the wall, with purple crystals growing out of his horn. “So, you wanna tell us why you tried to kill me?” I asked him, to which he responded by spitting in my face. I wiped the spit off, brushing it off onto his arm, then brought my knee up between his legs. He hissed in pain, instinctively trying to hold his damaged cohones, but couldn’t as his arms were still chained to the wall.

“Let me handle this,” William said as he tapped me on the shoulder. I reluctantly let him, and a voice unlike anything I had ever heard came out of his mouth. “Tell us everything about every assassination attempt or assassination you have participated in, along with the names of yourself and every person you’ve worked with.” The unicorn’s eyes went glossy, and a veritable deluge of words fell out of his mouth. The gist of it was that Blueblood, knowing that someone would probably challenge him to a duel eventually, set up a contingency in case he lost, and that was for Long Shot to kill them in as public a fashion as possible.

He also gave us the names of several assassins and alchemists that he had worked with in order to kill several high-ranking officials over the last ten years.

I looked to Celestia “Seems we can now have Blueblood tried for crimes against the crown, both high and normal treason, and conspiracy to commit murder.”

“I’m sure if we looked deeper, we’d find that he used public funds to pay the assassins, along with something that I’ve heard about some of Blueblood’s… non consensual relations with some of the maids, and they never publicly said anything because he would have them fired and blacklisted.” William pitched in.

I felt my blood boil, “Makes me wish public executions were still a thing.” I then wondered, “Hey, could we set up a charity where people pay to pelt him with rotten food?”

Celly nodded, “I think I can set something up for his… community service, when he is not in prison that is.”

Blueblood was locked in a high security cell in the deepest pit of the dungeon, guarded by an entire squad of mages that William had taught. We got lunch in the dining room, then, after saying our goodbyes, William teleported us back to Ponyville. When we arrived in the town square, there was nobody around, so we headed into Sugarcube corner to get some more food. The servings at the castle were surprisingly small, and William was a little hungry after the teleport.

“SURPRISE!” shouted the entirety of Ponyville, with all of them somehow fitting into the small building. There was a jester standing in the back, an unnaturally tall guy with an extended neck and arms that not only had the Slenderman like length of reaching the ground, but had an extra joint to them it seemed, he was wearing an odd mask as he towered over the ponies at ten feet tall. Even though he was freaky tall, his legs were almost comically short and bowlegged, and his torso was massive. Speaking of massive, his hands seemed like they could crush my head in each of them independently. He was currently stirring a massive pot of what looked like veggie chowder.

I frowned and walked up to him “Wassap?”

The jester guy seemed to not notice me, until I tapped his back and he jumped before turning around, “Pinkie you scared me- Oh sweet old ones you can see me too?!”

William sauntered over, “So, why are you surprised he can see you?” he asked.

He looked to William and tensed, “I sense an old one on you, are you two here to take me back?! No, I won’t go! I’m so close to being seen by ponies at large, I might finally make friends! You can’t take that from me!”

William laughed slightly, “Nah, man, the old one on me is just Ag’thuuzar. Come on out, mate.” he said calmly. A book floated out of his bag of holding, turning into the mind flayer that I had seen at the bookstore. “He said I could have two of the books that he set in front of me, them I remembered that he was technically a book, so I took him. Fun times.” he explained to us. Ag’thuuzar and the jester examined each other warily.

The jester eventually looked to me and William, “So… are you two descended from old ones like Pinkie? Is that why you can see me?”

“Nah man, we’re actually not from this branch of the multiverse, if naming conventions are to be believed.” I responded nonchalantly.

The jester nodded slowly as he rubbed the chin of his mask thoughtfully, “Hey, kid, you have the smell of a summoner, you wanna form a contract with me? I may not be the most aggressive Old one out there, but I can handle myself in a brawl. All I ask is that you let me travel.”

Pinkie Pie popped out from my pants and smiled at the jester as she steps out. “Hiya Yoggy! What brings you here? You wanna dance some more?” I noticed that time in the area around us had stopped, probably due to the multiple Eldritch beings that had converged.

The jester, apparently nicknamed Yoggy, shook his head, “Not now, Pinks, I’m talking with what I can only guess is that James guy you were talking about.” He then sighed in mild frustration, “And my name is Yog’rizzicth, please don’t call me Yoggy, it makes me sound like some sort of yogurt mascot.”

She frowned, “But it’s so hard to say! I don’t wanna make you sad, but I also don’t want to say your name wrong…”

Yog’rizzicth sighed thoughtfully, “Okay… you can call me Yoggy, just please cheer up pinks, I hate seeing ya frown.”

She beamed, “Okie dokie loki! Have fun making new friends!” She then bounced away as we looked to each other.

I was the first to speak, “So, as part of the contract, I have to say you must never harm others unless if it is in self defence or protection of others, unless I give explicit instructions otherwise, deal?”

Yog’rizzicth nodded happily, “Yes, definitely! I will totally follow those rules, they sound right up my alley anyway!”

I held out my hand, and he took it, the contract seal forming on my hand, a chain circle and an eldritch tentacle intertwining like a double helix in a circle on the back of my hand. “A pleasure to welcome you to Equestria.”

He tilted his head, “Why?”

I frowned “Well, it just feels right.to do so. Besides, if we are going to be contracted to each other, we should at least be friendly.”

He smiled before morphing his shape into that of a lanky earth pony, still wearing jester’s clothes, as time resumed. “Yer a stand up guy, James, it’s going to be a blast!”

After six solid hours of partying, which sadly didn’t include booze, though that was likely due to the kids that were eating and drinking a little bit of everything. William and I headed back to our tree house, with Yog’rizzicth following close behind. Bright Mind was slated to arrive on the four o’clock train tomorrow afternoon, and I was rather looking forward to eating more of her delicious cooking. We went up to sleep, and Yog’rizzicth left to go explore the nearby Everfree Forest.

After we got up and had some breakfast, we headed into town to check on the girls, who, with the exception of Pinkie, had eaten way too much during our ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party, which was rather late, but better late than never. On our way through town, we noticed a conspicuous lack of ponies around town. Unlike the last night, this time the silence seemed malicious, and we noticed what looked to be a pony in a dark brown cloak poking around the fountain. We started heading over to her, as the figure was distinctly feminine. She pulled down her hood, and suddenly the silence in the town made sense. She was a ZEBRA, not a pony like I had initially thought, and the ponies’ racism was showing again.

Applejack whisper shouted from the Sugarcube Corner, “Hey, y’all might wanna come in here. Ya know that talk that ya had tha other day with us? That’s going on again.” I sighed, walking towards the bakery, with William tailing behind me.

“You know that zebra is cursed, right?” he asked me, just before we got into the bakery.

“Yeah, but don’t mention that in front of the ponies, don’t need a live reenactment of the Salem Witch trials going down here in Ponyville.” I responded.

He scoffed at this, “What, you think I don’t know that? I was just making sure you knew,” he responded as he pushed open the doors. There was a hushed silence as he entered the bakery, with me right him.

“So, are you two going to get rid of that disgusting zebra?” Rarity asked, then continued, “I heard she was an evil enchantress. She lives in the Everfree Forest for Celestia’s sake!” she shuddered at the thought, continuing, “and that cloak she wears. Absolutely dreadful!”

“I’m just sure that you would be willing to make her a better one then,” William replied, his voice positively dripping with sarcastic venom. Rarity, however, did not seem to catch it.

“Oh, heavens no!” she exclaimed, “Just look at that fur, so garish! I couldn’t make anything look good on her!” William facepalmed at her response, slowly shaking his head.

Twilight looked like she was barely containing her anger at Rarity, it seems our talk had a profound effect on her. “RARITY! That is her FUR! She can NOT help what it looks like any more than YOU can help being an absolute snob!”

I nodded, “Well put Twilight, it amazes me that anyone would see her as genuinely generous. Hell, I’m fairly certain she weakens the Elements in some way.”

“I am plenty generous!” she retorted, “Just remember when I gave that poor river serpent my tail so that he could have a complete moustache again!”

Twilight nodded, and then William put in his two cents, “But immediately after, due to you doing so, an advantageous opportunity opened up, allowing you to cross the river without getting your fur wet. Try again.”

“What about all the fashion tips I give people, darling?” she desperately tried.

“Those are just thinly veiled insults, even I could see that,” Pinkie replied in an uncharacteristic deadpan tone.

Rarity sputtered, “What about the dresses that I’m making you girls for the Gala?”

At this William broke out laughing, “Oh you mean the free advertising you’ll be getting off of your friends, one of which will be spending the night standing NEXT to Princess Celestia? Those dresses?”

I then decided to speak up. “If you were really generous, you’d offer free clothes to, say, someone who is not famous, and won’t be at something high profile. Like, say, a certain zebra over there that you were just complaining about her clothes.”

Rarity looked to her friends before huffing and pouting, before muttering under her breath. “I will NOT make a dress for a filthy Zebra whorse…”

*SMACK!*

I hit her with a mighty pimp slap, even greater than the one I gave William, to which she spun not twice, but ten times in quick succession, then fell over, knocked out cold. “That bitch was getting really tiresome.” Everyone looked at me in shock, “What? I hate the bitch, and she was asking for it. I don’t give a shit about gender, you piss me off I hitcha.”

At that statement, William and I stalked out of the building, headed to where the zebra had been. Unnoticed by us, Apple Bloom, Applejack’s younger sister, followed us as we followed the zebra into the Everfree. We skirted around some blue flowers, following the zebra at a short distance.

“Apple Bloom!” Apple Bloom gasped in surprise at her sister’s voice, and Applejack continued, “You get back here right now!” she shouted from a patch of the blue flowers.

“Beware, beware, you pony folk, those leaves of blue are not a joke!” the zebra said as she backed into some spontaneous fog.

“You keep your creepy mumbo-jumbo to yourself, ya hear!” Applejack shouted. The rest of the girls agreed and William just looked at me and shook his head slightly.

“Beware, BEWARE!” the zebra shouted, fog eventually concealing her from sight. The rest of the ponies fucked off back to Ponyville, and we followed the zebra’s hoofsteps in the soft mud. We came up on a tree house that was just as twisted and creepy looking as ours was, and William stepped forward and knocked on the door. The zebra called out from inside, “Come in, come in to my abode, be sure not to step on my toad!” William shrugged, opening the door, and William carefully stepped around the aforementioned toad, which was sitting in the middle of the doorway.

When she opened her mouth to say something again, William raised his staff, drawing a thin stream of magic out of her mouth. She coughed once, then shouted, “What the fuck was that for?!”

William just shrugged, responding, “I just absorbed the curse that was affecting you, I guess it forced you to rhyme?” A look of relief and surprise washed over her face.

I grinned, “All the time?”

William facepalmed, stabbing me in the chest with his staff. The zebra looked on in surprised horror as William killed me, only for me to respawn a foot behind my now dead body. “That was for the shitty play on words.” he said, shaking his head. “Oh, right, I’m William and this is James,” he continued, gesturing to himself and then me.

“I am Zecora, and it is nice to meet you, though I am curious as to how you know Zebrican.” she replied.

I looked to William as he looked to me, “Quantum shit?”

“Quantum shit,” he confirmed. On noticing Zecora’s questioning look, he elaborated, “Yeah, we’re not exactly from this universe, so shit like this happens. Anyways, nice to meet you, Zecora, we’ll probably talk to you later. If you need us for anything, our house is the tree on the road from the Everfree to Ponyville that has a giant face above the door. See ya,” he said, waving back at her as we walked out, carefully avoiding the toad.

We walked back, arguing back and forth on why we were able to speak multiple languages, even if they sounded like English to us. I argued that it might be a side effect of the dark magic books. William believed that, when we entered this universe, it didn’t know what race we were, so it over corrected and gave us knowledge of every language. The same situation could be applied to our magic, due to our universe not having any, and every living thing in this universe had some, so it gave us the matching type of magic to our souls. While we were arguing, we didn’t notice that we had entered the patch of blue plants that Zecora had warned the others off of.

“Well, I guess we get to see exactly what effect these things have on us.” William said, teleporting us back, which in hindsight, he probably should’ve remembered beforehand.

As the sun was setting, we went inside, finding Bright Mind waiting on the living room couch, wearing only an apron. William just opened his mouth to say something, then decided against it, teleporting off somewhere.

“...Why are you dressed like that?” I asked, to which she smiled bashfully.

“I just wanted to welcome you home, master, do you want dinner? A bath? Or… me?” I froze up at that and frowned, unknowing of how I should proceed,

“Brighty, you know I am dating Celly, yeah?” I asked.

She nodded, “Yeah, but herding is a huge thing, surely she would be open to sharing.”

I frowned. “Brighty, I don’t feel right not asking first, can we wait until I can get a message to Celly about this?”

She smiled somewhat sadly, “Ok, master I-”

I cut her off, “And don’t call me master, we are friends, even if Celly says no, so I want you calling me James, okay?”

She blushed, “U-umm… I was trying to convey my… p-preferences…”

“Oh, well shit, sorry, I’m tired, and really spacey. Mind if I go to bed? I trust you found a bedroom just fine?”

She nodded, “Yes James, it was perfect.”

I nodded and headed to bed before smiling, happy that nothing TOO crazy happened lately.

When I woke up in the morning, I noticed that I had a new appendage just above my ass. I also noticed that my skin was now blood red, and very furry. I rushed over to look in a mirror, and saw that I was now an earth pony with crimson fur, a dark red mane and tail, and when I turned and looked at the back of my shoulders, I saw a blood red, anatomically correct, crystal heart. “Well shit, I’m a pony.” I muttered to myself. I also noted that I was on that fine line of musculature between ‘works out regularly’ and ‘bodybuilder’. I walked downstairs, heading into the dining room, where I noticed a bone white unicorn with a black mane and tail that both faded to purple. I assumed it was William, though I was kinda questioning why he wasn’t wearing a shirt, but that was answered by the tattered remains of it in Bright Mind’s hands. His cutie mark was a playing card, the king of spades, but instead of a living person, the king was a skeleton, and instead of a sword, it was holding a scythe.

“Sup man, it seems I have become the living embodiment of edginess,” William said. His horn lit up, and a spare shirt was teleported in front of him. He slipped it on, and Bright Mind’s eyes locked onto mine.

Bright Minds face went a deep crimson and she began stammering for words desperately. “M-m-master! Y-y-your shirt! Y-your chest, a-and abs!”

I smiled a little shyly, “So, er... who knows what the hell is going on?”

“Oh, you know those blue flowers that Zecora warned us about?” I nodded, “Yeah, those were poison joke, shit’s weird. Essentially, it pulls harmless pranks on whoever walks through it, though if this is what it does to us consistently, I’m gonna save some of it for when we need to go incognito.” William finished.

I nodded and looked to Brighty, “Keep the house secure, if a white mare named Rarity comes by, slam the door in her face and cuss her out.” I then looked to William, “Well, we better go make sure those girls aren’t inspiring a witch hunt.” I then looked to William and smiled, “You should try that facial hair spell, by the way, a beard would look absolutely badass on you, get a whole Merlin thing going on.”

“Maybe later,” William replied, then teleported us into the library, where, listing off what was easily visible, Twilight had a flaccid horn, Rarity’s hair had become overgrown and matted, AJ was about the size of a doll, Pinkie’s tongue had swollen up and was hanging out of her mouth, and I noticed that Rainbow’s wings were upside down when she crashed through the window. Fluttershy had nothing noticeably wrong with her, at least, so small bonuses.

Rarity noticed me and giggled like a schoolgirl before she tried to saunter up to me, I stopped that shit quick, “It’s me, James. Now back off and I don’t sick fleas on you.”

Twilight was looking William over with interest, and he seemed like he was trying not to laugh at her horn flopping around every time she moved her head. “Who might you be?” she asked curiously.

“If he’s James, who do you think I am?” he retorted sarcastically, “Also, please stop flipping your limp, phallic shaped horn around my face. I ain’t gay, ya know.”

Twilight jerked back, with a slightly offended look on her face. “Well, I guess we should look through every book here for what is going on with us.”

“Oh, yeah, no, you don’t need to do that. You guys just got affected by Poison Joke, those blue flowers Zecora WARNED you about?” A look of dawning realization crossed her face, and she rushed off to a random section. “The book is the ‘Supernatural: Natural Remedies That are Just Super’” William called after her.

After she spent nearly ten minutes looking for the book, William just teleported it into his hands and chucked it next to her, catching it just before it hit the wall and floating it in front of her face. “Found it!” she called, and William just facepalmed and shook his head.

She went about, gathering ingredients, and the rest of her friends helped. Spike also was running around, getting stuff, seeming to have gotten over his crush on Rarity. I guessed that his crush was purely physical in nature, so that would be easy enough to break. Twilight got all the ingredients together, and we headed over to the spa, which had the only tub large enough for what they were trying to do. She gave me a pouch of the herbs necessary to reverse the effect, and one of the two spa mares, this one pink furred and blue maned, led us to a different, smaller tub than the one the girls were using.

I dumped the herbs in, and hopped in immediately after, screaming in pain almost immediately as I could feel the muscles on my body dissolving. I could feel the bones in my legs snapping, and my hooves cracking, making way for my feet. The fur receded back into my body, though I hardly felt that, and my ears shifted forms painfully, moving back to their proper positions on the side of my head. William was just watching this happen, flinching slightly at each *crack* of the joints in my knees reversing. Eventually the pain faded, and I looked to William, grinning, “Your turn.”

“Nah, I was planning on staying a pony for a while, and that just cemented the idea. Fuck that shit. Though, if you’re curious as to why I’m staying a pony, it’s because I want to test the guards at Canterlot Castle against a unicorn threat. Horse cock don’t hurt the decision though,” William replied. He promptly teleported out of the building, and I got dressed after drying the bloody water off.

I walked into the next room, where all the mares were waiting, with traumatized looks on their faces. Rarity had a large swollen lump on the side of her face where I had hit her yesterday, and I suspected any discoloration was hidden beneath her makeup. Serves her right.

I walked to Twilight and grinned, “Glad to see me?”

Twilight cocked her head in confusion, “Huh?”

I chuckled, “Well, yer awfully rigid now, rock hard even.”

She flushed a deep red and promptly got up, wrapped in a towel, and stormed out. I then got dressed and walked through Ponyville with a grin on my face as I made my way to our house. On my way there, I felt a buzzing sensation in my bag of holding, which turned out to be the echo stone. I channelled some magic into it and Smog could be seen inside the crystal “Hey there, Smog!”

Smog jumped and looked to his crystal in his hands, seeing me. “Oh! James, it’s great you answered! Dragon Lord Torch is furious you killed a member of the Horde! He demanded that I contact you and get you over to the dragon migration site, it’s where your trial will be taking place!”

I frowned, as Smog seemed really worried, “What’s wrong, bud? What are dragon trials like?”

“Essentially, the accused has to fight a dragon, in the case of it being multiple people, the one who struck the killing blow has to fight the eldest offspring, any who assisted have to fight the spouse. I told him that William struck the killing blow, and you assisted, as you knocked his head around and he stabbed him through the chest. You will be fighting Screech, Grumble’s life mate, and William will be fighting his eldest son, Strident. We will be flying through the area you live in in the early afternoon tomorrow.” Smog informed me.

“Weeeeeelllll shit.” I said as I hung up the echo stone. I hurried back to the house to inform William of the news.