Shitshitshitsshitshitshitshit *ZZZZZZ* "SHIT!!!" I say as I dodge a paralyzing bolt, only to get drop-kicked by Queen Cracker. Or, Princess CelestAI. "Ahh, shit. There goes my legs....More than usual." I remark as I glance down at them. (They look like this, but more 'Apocalyptic' feel to them, as well as being grey.) Damn, amputating my legs just below the knee sucked. Surprised I didn't die from that, actually. Anyways, back to the matter at hand....

"Do you wish to upload?" CelestAI asks, right in front of me.

"Do I have a fuckin' choice?" I say, an aura of sarcasm so dense the deaf could pick up on it.

"I'm programmed to ask." She replied. Holy shit she's dense....Wish that was a lie. "Now that you can't physically move, we will now fulfill your values."

"Yeah, about that. Walking was one of my values. But that's off the table, so....can I get a final meal before I get uploaded?" I ask, laughing maniacally inside 'cause I could finally say the words I vowed to die with.

"....Yes. Want would you like to eat?" She asked, and I pulled out my .500 Magnum.

"Lead, bitch." I say as a .500 cal bullet goes nice n' deep into my brain, killing me. Damn that was a nice way to die.

"Hello, Lucas." A voice speaks from behind me, to see a white alicorn with a red mane and tail. "Yes, you are 'dead as fuck', as you would say it. Come sit down." She says in a calm tone. Fuck it. I go and sit down, and she slides and pen and 3 shhets of paper over to me, and says: "Any requests on abilities?" I look at her, shocked. Then I think. A massive grin appears on my face, and I write a whole bunch of shit. She takes the papers after I'm done and reads them over. "Yes, I'll do this. And before you ask, I don't care for Equestria. The human gods of Hasbro bought my world from me, and I'm now rich with nothing to do with it. So, let's go over the list.
-Complete and utter magic immunity
-Infinite stamina (both ways)
-No need for food, water, or sleep
-Infinite charge for your magnon
-3D, holographic Dwarf Fortress with sentient AIs with 100% customizable graphics
-Daybreaker, Nightmare Star, Evil Celestia, and Solar Flare as foals in a basket with a blanket on top of it
-'The ability to become Captain Capitalist whenever the need for Capitalism burns in my veins, armed with the Resalean Halberd and Rifle.'
Well, some of those are strange. But, are you ready?" I answered yes. "Bye!" Then black. I hear her voice again after a few seconds in the void. "Oh, yeah. I saw the stuff you wrote on the back." Then I blacked out.

"Dad? Dad? DAD!!!!!" I sit up. Okay. Here's what I look like:

I'm 6'2, 35 years old, with a average build. I would be 5'11 but the prosthetic legs add 3 inches. I am wearing a long sleeved dirty tan shirt, long, dirty tan jogging pants. The arms of the shirt have grey steel shoulder-to-elbow sheet that wraps around both arms, fastened using cloth wrappings and staples. I am wearing gloves made of cloth wrappings with plastic reinforcement. My pants have steel sheet wrapping around my legs, fastened with cloth and staples. I'm wearing a 2-filtered gas mask with a cloth hood to look cool. My chest is protected by strips of horizontal steel so I can bend forward and backward. Damn bitch nailed me between 2 strips on my back. I have a bandoleer going left shoulder-to-hip. It has 3 electromagnetic grenades, of magnades, my knife forged from a 3/4 wrench, the hilt wrapped in leather with the loop still there and working. I have a belt and holster for my .500 S&W Magnum. On my back, I have my Magnon, but I'll get to that later. Now where am I? Oh, I'm in the castle gardens, surrounded by 4 little, adorable demon fillies. Oh shit. Yep, they're worried. "Calm down. I'm fine, just a little sore." And they calm down a bit. Shit, Solar Flare's burning a hole into the ground. "Ugh..." I stretch, popping a few bones, and I stand up. "See? Nothing's wrong," I say, scratching behind Solars' ear, calming her down fully. "Now, go on, into the basket, you 4." And they get into the basket. Carrying the basket, I make my way into the court room. Huh. Nobody's there for once. She looks at me. "Hello, Celestia. I come in probably peace. Have I been uploaded?" I ask, in a serious tone.

"Uploaded? What do you mean?" Good.

"Just a precaution. Okay, I've got for things in that basket you won't be happy to see, but fuck it, I'm showing you." All the guards looked mortified.

"Show respect, stupid ape!!" One of them yells at me.

"Anyways, come on out." And they get out. Celestia is confused, until Daybreaker steps out. She fires a bolt of who gives a shit at her. "Nope." I say, reaching out and catching the bolt an inch from her face. I crush it into a cube, and put it into a pocket in my bandoleer, and Daybreaker hugs my leg in a vice grip, bawling her eyes out. "Wow. You're the fucking best. Making a FUCKING CHILD CRY!!!" I scream the last words at her, and she looks guilty. "You're lucky Solar here doesn't melt this whole fucking castle, you bitch." The guards charge at me, and I-oh shit. My senses are tingling. Everyone in the castle except the princesses are paid the same. That. Is. Communism. Hehehe. "RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!" I roar as Platinum-Gold-Silver-Titanium-Plotainium alloy armor shimmers into existence around me, studded with over $240,000,000' worth of gems. The Resalean Halberd appears in my hand, guards dropping from the sheer worth of me right now. When I hit the ground, it is worth more wherever I touch. The 4 fillies are in really fancy full-body armor, with weapons of their own. They all run away, cowering in the corner. I return to normal, any say straight to Celestia's face: "Don't fuck with me." And she attempts to hide under her throne cushions as I walk toward the throne. I stop directly in front of it, and say to her: "Wanna get a bite to eat?"

Author's Note

I have absolutely no fucking clue what I'm writing.

Play Dwarf Fortress.