I sit alone in the darkness. It’s all around me—a fog so dense that I can’t even see myself. Occasionally, it shows me things: horrible, evil things that just make me hate myself more. It knows I’m weak, and it’s determined to break me down.

“Why do you fight it, little dark one?” the void teases.

The scene flickers in my mind’s eye. I’m standing in the middle of the Ponyville town square. Surrounded by ponies. Unlike the previous nightmares, I’m not occupying Lyra’s body; I’m in my own pony body. A large shard of crystal floats before me, dripping with blood.

Something inside me urges me to not let another drop spill, and I stretch out my tongue to receive the blood… but something catches the corner of my eye. All of the ponies around me—stallions, mares, and foals—are face-down in pools of blood, but all of them are somehow staring at me.

I fling the crystal shard away and it disintegrates into a cloud of dust.

Twilight lies before me, barely recognizable from all of the stab wounds. To my left, Bon-Bon lies prone over Lyra; both have been stabbed, but Lyra’s spilled innards somehow make it worse. Everywhere I look, I see ponies I feel I should know, shredded like meat.

Contorting themselves to stare at me with empty eye sockets, the bodies chant, “This is within your power, little dark one. Why look away?”

The scene fades away, but instead of turning to darkness, I find myself in the hospital: my former room. It too is a horror show.

Shutting my eyes does me no good here. It does nothing to block the sight of Lyra strapped into the hospital bed, her horn bashed off and shoved into an eye socket. Nothing can spare me from the little nurse’s aid, Candy Stripes, and her mother, Dr. Forceps lying strangled with an IV line.

“It’s so easy. All of those who’ve ever wronged you...”

I’m in the training yard. Twilight, Shining Armor, and several Royal Guards lie there, their heads all gone as if blasted with a shotgun. The ache of spell burn shivers across my smoking horn.

“All of those who would threaten you...”

Now, I’m in the throne room of Canterlot Castle. Celestia, Luna, and Cadance stand—no, cower!—before me. In spite of how much bigger they’re supposed to be, they seem somehow small.

“Penny, it’s not too late to turn back!” Cadance pleads, though her eyes tell me things have gone well past the point of no return. “Shiny and I would love you as our own!”

There’s no control over my spell casting. Without warning, a bolt lances out, peeling the flesh from her skeleton with an awful shrieking sound.

“All of those who would lie to you...”

“Thou wouldst kill the pony who would give you all a filly could ever wish for!?” Bellows Luna. She too is rendered a screaming skeleton before her horn can do more than glow.

Celestia just watches on in horror.

“All of those who would harm you...Accept your strength, and not even the Princess of the Sun would hold fast against the horrors we could bring about.”

Oh God, why is this happening to me?

I’m screaming unbidden, even as I feel the tingle of magic wrapping my horn… and it just dies away.

Whatever might have happened fades into the blackness, even as a warmth envelops me. No, that’s not quite right. It’s not just warmth; it’s happiness. It’s everything I’ve craved since this shitshow began.

“I will have her, interloper,” the void screams suddenly. “I already have a foothold in her mind!”

The last voice I’d ever have expected echoes around me. “Nah, I don’t think ye do,” come the angelic voice of the bat I blew up. “Sure, ye showed her some right awful shit and made some wild promises of power, but just look at the kid; she’s fuckin’ terrified!”

Hey, I may be terrified but I’m not a kid!

“Quiet, you. The dream police and the mental parasite are talking.” I can almost picture the exasperated glance as if she were right in front of me. “Anyway, the way I see’s it, yer latched onto her ‘cuz shes vulnerable, and in a position to become strong. She ain’t a bad pony, though.”

The fog peels away, revealing the empty scene of the throne room, and takes the form of a small horned pony made of blackness. Where normally there’d be eyes, there’s just little yellow glows. The nightmare creature glares at me, or rather, the bat pony looming over me.

“She’s mine!” it bellows, somehow shrinking in size. I almost feel bad for it...

At this point, Evening Script uncoils herself from around me. She trots over to the wretched creature, and just like that, she breathes it in like smoke. My tormentor was gone.

“Don’t worry, kid,” she says, ruffling my mane with a hoof. “Parasites like those are a dime a dozen, though usually ponies who catch the Princess’s eye don’t require this kind of intervention...”

As she starts to trot off toward the throne room door, and the fear begins to fade, I realize there’s so much I want to ask and say. The door opens into a blinding white, she steps through…

… and I’m on my hooves right behind her.

~ 4 ~

I wake with a start. My mouth is dry and it feels like I’ve been swallowing sand, but even as Evening Script walks back to her bunk, I call out to her in the darkness of the barrack room. “Wait…”

She stops a few steps away and turns. Despite the room being near pitch-black, her bright, lamp-like eyes were completely clear. Must be a bat pony thing.

“How…?” I rasp, pulling myself free from my bedding. “That was real, wasn’t it?”

The bat pony looks at me for a few moments, before her glowing eyes roll. “I keep forgetting you’re an outsider,” she whispers. Turning away, she adds, “Follow me. I’ll explain everything outside.”

As quietly as I can, I join her at her side. Despite the torches in the hallway outside the barrack room, I still can’t see all that well. I almost lean into her out of some strange pony instinct, but at the last moment I stop myself. Instead, I pour a bit of mana into my horn and passive magic sense to use Eve as a guide.

After a few minutes of quiet walking, the bat pony leads me into the training field, beneath the open night sky. Rather than go out into the middle of the field, however, she leads me to a set of bleachers.

I take a seat without prompting, noting ponies flitting to and fro in the darkness above.

“How long have you been havin’ those dreams, Penance?” she asks. It takes me a moment to realize that she called me Penance, rather than Penny. And there’s even something else in her voice… Respect?

Why?

“Can’t be sure.” How long had it been? “Almost feels like it’s been every night since the day my parents rejected my new pony form,” I answer, trying not to let the sadness of that memory work its way into my throat. It’s bad enough that I can’t think about it without remembering the nightmares “At first, it was just my parents… but then it started incorporating more and more of my life. Every moment of shame… Every moment of weakness… It made me strong in those moments… A monster.”

With a sigh, she takes a seat next to me. “Honestly, it ain’t that far off. Dunno where it came from or how it chose you, but that was a Greater Mere, a dream monster.” Turning to me, she gives me a grave look. “Princess Luna was taken advantage of by one o’ the buggers long, long ago. You might have heard of Nightmare Moon.”

I nod, and she quickly continues. “Meres prey on those plagued with self-doubt or feelings of inadequacy. They offer power while tryin’ to break their victims down so that they can take control and act in the wakin’ world.”

A ball of ice forms in the pit of my stomach. I thought they were just nightmares, but that was… I could’ve become Nightmare Silver!

“Is that why Princess Luna wasn’t helping?” I ask, swallowing the bubble of fear and revulsion. “Was she afraid it might latch onto her?”

With a shake of her head, Eve looks up to a tower silhouetted by the moon. “She was never supposed to fight Meres to begin with. The bat pony ancients who taught her dream walkin’ warned her of the fact that there are some things that even she—an alicorn princess—could not do. Enterin’ a Mere dream is one of them. Oh, she could watch from outside, but she was helpless in that regard.”

So even the princesses aren’t all-powerful. It makes sense to me on the logical level, but there’s still something odd to see that even their own subjects know that they aren’t perfect. Well, some of them.

“You been taught that all ponies have magic, yeah?” she asks with a tone of ‘It’s a rhetorical question,’ in her voice. “Unicorns cast spells, pegasi can manipulate the weather, and earth ponies have nature magic. Us bats? We enter dreams of nearby ponies, and prey upon dream monsters. Nothin’ like how the princess enters the dreams of anypony in Equestria from the safety of her tower, but close.”

With a smirk, she looks back to me, flashing her fangs. “Funny how helpin’ others gave birth to the vampony myth.”

I nod and stare up at the tower. Idly, I find myself wondering if Princess Luna is up there right now, helping the dreams of ponies near and far. Would she be watching over mine? Had she been watching over mine?

The two of us just sit there together, under the stars. There are so many things I’d like to ask her now that we are seemingly on amiable terms now. What was her beef with me? Why’s she being cool now? Is it going to go back to the way it was tomorrow?

“Can I ask you a question, Evening?” I ask, pausing only to rub my eyes. “Why were you so opposed to me when I got here?”

She turns to look at me, but says nothing for a long time. “Couple’a reasons, really.” Returning her gaze to the moon, she slid off the bench and walked a few paces away. “Could smell the Mere on ya from the get-go, but I hadn’t seen if you were beyond helpin’ yet. That ain’t the main reason, though.”

She looks at me over her shoulder, and I can see conflict playing out behind those big, cyan eyes. “Back home, ponies only ever took on names like Penance if they done something awful, but usually, went back to their wicked ways when they felt it time.” Surprisingly, a tear glistens on her cheek. “Those who’re given that name were always reckless… death seekers, some might call them…”

I nod. “You knew someone like that, maybe even cared for them...” I whisper, seeing where she was coming from. “That pissed you off, so you lashed out.”

“Was me Da. Went off and died like a twit,” she says quite suddenly. To be honest, I didn’t expect her to actually say anything, so I just sit there, gobsmacked as she continues. “You just strut in bearin’ that name, stinkin’ of Mere, an’ all I can think is yer either lookin’ to get killed, or that thing was drivin’ you to hurt someone.”

In the blink of an eye, she’s right in front of my face. “‘magine my surprise when I wake up in the infirmary, only to find out you were super fucked up over what happened.” She smiles at me and shuts her eyes. “You’re not a bad pony, Silver Penance, but you’re not cut out for the Royal Guard. That said, we’ll all be watchin’ out for ya while you’re with us in Canterlot.”

Without another word, she turns on her hoof and marches back to the barracks.

Left to my own devices, I can’t help but wonder… What if she’s right? Am I chasing down the wrong leads? What if this is like Icarus flying on wax wings, only to fall for aiming too high?

~ 4 ~

The next morning, the entire world feels different. It’s hard to actually put into words, but I suppose if I had to describe it… All the passion and excitement of working with the guard is gone, but I’m happy for some reason. Happier than I’ve felt in a long time.

As I bathe and groom myself, I have to ponder it for a long while. Why would having my goal potentially getting kicked out from under me improve my mood? For one, I was pushing myself toward that goal out of… what, exactly? I can help ponies without swearing my life to the service of the crown.

Time and again it’s been made apparent that I’m not a soldier. Sure, I have a sharp mind and a desire to help, but if I freak like that from accidentally hurting somepony I don’t get along with, how the hell would I think I could handle a battlefield? Ponies I know would be falling all around me, and I know I wouldn’t be able to help them all…

The contemplation drags out, even as I clean my loaner armor and make my way to the mess. Even though I’ve been pushing myself nonstop for weeks, I’m no athlete. Still… being fit is important if I want to separate myself from who I used to be.

I barely even taste the oatmeal and wild berries, and the conversation at Eta Squad’s table barely registers at all. I know the others are watching me, but I’m too deep in my own thoughts to care. I could probably pass as a bodyguard, but I’d have to get my own equipment. No way the guard would just give me a big fucking sword.

Out of the corner of my eye, Sergeant Revelry approaches the bat pony, and the two share a few silent words. After that, Eve watches me very closely.

No sooner than I put down my spoon than she says, “Oi, Penance! Captain wants a talk with ya.” Despite the lack of aggression in her tone, something feels off about it all. “Stow the dish and follow me.”

At first, while I’m returning my bowl and cutlery, it doesn’t really occur to me that anything is up. Out of the barracks… across the palace grounds… Even as she leads me into the palace proper, I’m more curious as to what Shining Armor wants to talk about. It’s not until we reach a door with a golden placard that says ‘Shining Armor: Captain of the Guard’ that it finally hits me. It was by my chosen name that she addressed me by—not Silver, or Penny—and for the first time, it’s never felt more wrong.

Evening knocks on the door and announces, “Captain Shining Armor, sir, I have Silver Penance here to see you, as requested.”

A full minute ticks by. I turn to the bat pony and raise an eyebrow. She just shrugs back at me and keeps her eyes trained on the door. Just as I’m about to make a comment about him not being there, I hear the rustle of papers.

A long, drawn-out sigh precedes his response. “You may enter.”

The door opens as if on its own, revealing a cozy little office. Straight ahead is a sturdy blackwood desk, behind which is a high-backed chair that is currently facing away from the door. I step in and my bat guide makes to follow before Shining adds, “Return to your squad, Master Corporal Evening Script.”

Eve stops on a dime, snaps off a quick salute, and then marches out the door. Like a good little soldier, huh?

The high-backed chair swiveling, revealing none other than—okay, let’s be real; if you didn’t guess it, there’s something wrong with you—Shining Armor. It’s only been four whole days since I’ve seen him, but he definitely looks like he’s had many sleepless nights.

Gonna be honest. Only times I’ve ever been called to the principal’s office was when I was in trouble—usually for stupid reasons like reading in class—or someone was trying to get me in trouble. Way I figure it is it’s no different now than any other time.

Shuffling my hooves, I try to stand at attention. “Sir, I…”

“Relax, Penny.” Again with that name, but this time, I don’t feel mad about it. Maybe it’s the way he says it, but it does put me at ease. “You’re not in trouble.”

The fuck is wrong with me? I wonder, breaking eye contact. I hated the nickname, then Eve goes eats my nightmare and suddenly it’s like I love it.

He looks at me from behind his desk. Adorned with all sorts of picture frames that I can only assume have pictures of his family and career events, it’s the picturesque Captain of the Guard desk. Again, he heaves a sigh and looks down at a paper in front of him.

“Take a seat.” I note a stool opposite of him, and do as I’m told. “You’re like a trouble magnet, you know. I knew that going in, but still. Did you have to blow up one of my ponies?”

Inwardly, I flinch. His tone isn’t one of anger or reproval. It’s disappointment and it hits me like a slap. Before I even have a grasp on the words bubbling out of my mouth, I babble, “I’m sorry, Dad! I didn’t mean to do it… I didn’t even know it would happen!” As soon as my brain catches up to my mouth, I stop. Even before I play back what I just said in my mind, my hoof has found itself in front of my mouth.

We look wide-eyed at each other for a full two minutes of cringe-ridden silence. “Let’s pretend that never happened, please.”

Shaking his head, he shuffles his papers. “We can put it aside for the moment, but that is definitely being addressed later.” He levitates over the paper from the top of his stack.

Accepting it in my own magical grip, I pore over it.

Captain Shining Armor,

We formally request that Silver ‘Penance’ Penny be returned to the care of her assigned guardian, Twilight Sparkle. The sparring incident resulting in the detonation of one Master Corporal Evening Script has made it apparent that it is too soon to be separating her from her teacher. Should she opt to continue working with Eta Squad via the ride-along program, she must first be cleared by a certified mental health care physician of Our approval…

Blah blah blah. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Princesses Celestia and Luna

I float the paper back to him when I see mention and explanation of my nightmares. “I know I fucked up, but come on, princesses!” I pull off the helmet and gently turn it until I’m looking at where my face would be. “I was just starting to feel like I actually belong with ponies!” I pause, floating the helmet onto Shining’s desk. “And why did they write my name as if Penance was the nickname?”

He actually looks away when I mention that last tidbit. “Heh, probably just a clerical issue or something.” Looking back to me, he says in a softer voice, “I think the fact that you are feeling like you belong is why they finally stepped in. Between your nightmares and your reluctance to bond with anypony before now, they’re worried that you’re on a path of self-destruction, and I’m starting to agree.

“It’s not guards you need to be able to socialize with,” he says. “It’s the regular ponies… the ponies behind the armor and crowns.” The look in his eyes softens. “We want to be your friends, not just allies for you to die for.”

Chewing my lip, I can’t help but wonder if they’re right. I was definitely hasty when I made my intent clear—I was in a jail cell, for fuck sake—but despite the nightmares and the accident, working with Eta is some of the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Sure, I had bonding moments with Evening Script and Strongwind, but was I following the right path?

“But… if I leave Eta,” I say in a small, almost childish voice. “What about my friends?”

That actually draws a bark of laughter from the stallion. “Don’t forget who decides who has not-daughter watching duties.” While I fight the terrifying urge to hug him, he looks to the side. His gaze lands on one of the pictures on his desk. “Which brings us back to your little slip-up just now.”

“Shining, I…”

“I know you have your reasons for wanting to refuse a place in the family,” he says. “Celestia knows, if I thought I was a character in a comic I wouldn’t want things to go too smoothly for me, either. That always invites tragedy the moment the hero gets complacent, after all.” He smooths back his mane with one hoof. “But you’ve been through a lot in such a short time, and maybe it’d be good for you to get a chance to not have to worry about where your next meal comes from after you’ve gotten your EED.”

I flinch, knowing that he’s making a valid, almost convincing point, potential Sue-itis or no. Maybe it’d be okay to have an easy life for a change. Back when I was a human, the only thing I really had was writing, and that was never going to be a job that could feed and house me. Here, I’d have so many more options. “I could… think about it I guess.”

“Even if it’s not on a daughterly basis, I’m sure Cadance would love to have you around,” he adds with a bellow of laughter. “She could teach you everything you’ll need to know about being a mare, and in return, she’d get a hoofmaiden with the power to blow up an ornery Corporal. You could even talk to her yourself before we both go back to the Crystal Empire.”

Before I can help myself, I’m laughing. Not because it’s funny, but because of the absurdity of making a joke about something I was going to have nightmares about. I’m so delirious with laughter that I don’t even care that my mouth runs on its own. “Daaaad, no. Stop.” I pause. “For fuck’s sake.”

~ 4 ~

When I’m finally dismissed from Shining’s office, I’m unsure if my scarlet cheeks can be seen through my coat. Even though the door is closed and he can’t possibly see me, his laughter still echoes in my mind. Seriously… what the fuck is going on with me?

Instead of working my way back to the barracks, I head off to the armory to return my loaner armor. The captain assured me that someone from Eta would get the shield and sword back to them, so it’s just a matter of returning what I’m wearing. They don’t ask any questions, but there’s definitely a questioning look or two.

The one thing Shining did tell me is that I’m supposed to check in with Twilight.

I wonder if she’s pissed that she had to pull my ass out of the fire. If she was watching, she had to have known what was going to happen, even if I didn’t. Why else would she have acted?

When I go around back of the castle, making my way to Twilight’s tower, I’m given pause. The door is open slightly, but all of the lights are off. Even the ones that would normally be on up on the upper floor where she’s often studying. Worse, it’s too quiet.

Given that there’s no doubt she saw me freaking out yesterday, she might be trying to throw me some kind of cheer-up party. I hope she isn’t. I don’t like parties all that much… and if she wasted Pinkie’s time dragging her all the way up from Ponyville, I’d feel bad. Both for Pinkie and myself.

So like any socially maladjusted human-turned-pointy-midget-horse, I turn on the spot and walk back to the castle. It’s a shame, really, because I actually want to talk to her about this whole weirdness that’s been going on since yesterday… except that’s me lying to myself. It didn’t start yesterday. Since the infusion, I’ve been reacting oddly to affectionate gestures from other ponies. And this Dad thing…

For a while, I just sit in the main lobby staring at a tapestry as I try to figure out what to do. I’m still too embarrassed to show my face to Shining right now, and I’m kinda miffed at Celestia and Luna. Eta Squad’s already on a special trip to see the fillies and colts at Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.

I’m not allowed to leave the grounds without an escort… but so far as I can tell, I’m not being shadowed, and I’m not about to go up to some on-duty guard and, like a petulant child, go, “I wanna go get ice cream.”

Hmm… There is a library here in the castle, but I’m unsure if it’s open to anypony, or private use. Wouldn’t want to get myself in trouble looking into the principles of spell tags using Celestia’s private collection.

With a sigh, I mutter to myself, “Fuck it. She can’t not know about me yet, so she’ll hunt me down sooner or later anyway...”

Trotting up to a pair of armored pegasi by a door, I take a chance on the assumption that the guards know the schedules of all of the princesses. “Excuse me, sir?” I ask the one on the left.

“Yes?”

“Do you know if Her Highness, Princess Cadance, is granting audiences today?”

“Even if they are not holding court, the princesses are always willing to make time for their little ponies,” he says.

I can just make out the corner of his partner’s mouth perking up. “Yes, the princess should have no problem making time for somepony as small and cute as you.”

My jaw drops, as does the first guard’s. Really? I want to yell. How professional!

The first guard beats me to it by reaching out and clubbing the smartass in the back of his head with a wing. “She’s up on the second floor of the diplomatic wing. You’ll know the room.”

I nod and thank the non-smartass stallion.

Thankfully, the diplomatic wing isn’t that hard to find. Just turn left at the lore door, up a trick staircase, and through a secret passage in the garden. Wait, no. That’s my happy place, which is imaginary. It’s actually just left of the main hall.

So off I go, out into the diplomatic wing and up a flight of stairs.

Almost immediately, I know what the guard meant by ‘You’ll know the room.’ I’ve never seen anything like the ponies guarding this one door in the hall. They’re like… an earth pony went and had sex with a diamond mine, and the mine squirted out these shiny buggers. Crystal Empire? Yeah, totally sounds like a place that would have these crystalline ponies.

They’re both just standing there in armor that looks like it’s cut from the same crystalline structure the ponies emerged from. I wonder why they would make armor out of crystal, though. If that shit shatters, you’re getting fucked up.

As I approach the door and the pair of guards, however, the door swings open and out storms a brilliant white stallion. With how quickly he comes out, I obviously don’t have near enough time to react. He bowls into me and I go skidding across the floor before bumping into the wall.

“Watch where you’re standing, you lowly little…” he begins to shout, looming over me, but through his legs, I see the two guards at the door tense.

“Hold on...” The change in his tone is gradual, but somewhat alarming. “I know you.”

I look up into the face of the pony that barged into me. With those golden locks and stunning blue eyes, he can’t be anypony other than Prince Blueblood. “You’re Captain Shining Armor’s bastard daughter, aren’t you?” He looks like he’s trying to remember something. “Ah, Silver Penny. A good, noble name.”

Even though he clearly doesn’t know my true origin, I’m alarmed that he knows of me at all, never mind that I have Shining armor’s genes. For the most part, I’ve been out of the public eye!

With a subtle tweak of magic, he places me back on my hooves and brushes the dust out of my mane. Something about the touch skeeves me out. He moves about me, taking me in from every angle. “A talent for magic of some sort, strong too, if the rumors are true.” Something prods me in the side rather hard—it can only be magic—and then he smiles. “You’ve definitely got potential.”

I don’t say anything. My voice is caught in my throat. The way he’s assessing me, it’s almost like he’s looking at livestock… or a child bride. Like I’m meat. All I can do is shiver on the spot.

Just when I think he’s going to say something even creepier, he steps away. “If you’re ever in need of bits, do not be afraid to look to House Blueblood,” he says in a calm voice, as if he wasn’t just ogling me like I’m the newest whore in the brothel. “I’m sure I can find work for somepony with your qualities.”

With that, he saunters off with his nose in the air and his tail held high.

Did that just happen? I sink to the floor and pull my tail close. I watch him with wide eyes until he disappears around a corner. Did that really just happen?

“For the love of… Blueblood, the least you can do is close the door behind you,” comes a voice from the doorway. “I don’t care if you are going to be a brat a—Oh! Hello!”

Something very pink and nice smelling exits the room, coming to loom over me. “Can I help you with something, little one?” I look up, and sure enough. A pretty pink pony princess is standing over me, smiling. Once she sees my face, that smile brightens twofold. “Oh! Penny! I wasn’t expecting to see you today! Is Twilight’s surprise over already?”

I look up at her, blink owlishly, and then whimper. Something inside me wants to announce that I called it, but the irrationality pushes it aside. “I need an adult,” I whisper with a shaky breath.

Though she tilts her head, her smile doesn’t abate. In a chipper tone that makes me feel safe, she says, “I’m an adult.”

With one last whimper, I wrap my forelegs around one of hers and begin to cry like a foal. It’s wrong, doing this to a stranger—a royal one at that—but this strange mind-fuckery makes it seem so right. For now, maybe it’s alright to not care.

Author's Note

Happy Friday, which is neither Thursday or Saturday.
I wanna say something clever, but I have a poor grasp on time these days.