Geldings

Waiting for Mom to wake was a gauntlet of pain. I couldn't bring myself to wake her early (although if she hadn't awoken right when her clock went off, I would have). The pain wasn't as bad as it had been yesterday, but the ache of my balls being squeezed was a constant unpleasant distraction. I wondered whether real geldings ever had to deal with anything like that. Maybe some of them get phantom pain, but they never talk about it...

After Mom got up, I took my morning antibiotic and a narcotic. Then I went back to my room to sit and think. Something crossed my mind as the sweet euphoria began to tickle my feathers. Mom had said something remarkable last night, something I'd almost forgotten:

"Whether you wanted her help isn't the point."

I realized she was right. Here I'd been blaming myself for everything, but it didn't matter whether or not I wanted this horrible procedure done to me. What they did to me was still wrong. I was young and vulnerable, and they used me. What I wanted them to do wasn't the issue, was it? This was something they wanted to do to me. They probably wanted to 'pseudo' me—or whichever colt they could get their dirty hooves on—long before the brief lapses of judgment I had in which I'd sort-of agreed to it.

I was still responsible for my part of the mess, of course. I felt like I could never let Mom find out what they did to me, because I deserved a big part of the blame. I refused to bring that kind of shame upon her. But I wasn't a monster solely of my own making, and this provided me a small comfort.

It was almost enough to let me forgive myself.

So, I rested up. For a while I took notes on what had happened (my notes are the only reason this story is mostly accurate). I was careful to use code words so it would read like nonsense to anypony else. After a couple of hours, Mom knocked on my door.

"Sweetie, Rumble's here," she called. "Are you feeling good enough to see him?"

I paused in fear for a moment, then decided talking to Rumble wasn't dangerous. The last two days had placed me in a state of shell shock, apparently. "Yeah, I'll come out," I said. I took a deep breath, opened the door, and trotted out to meet him in the kitchen.

"Hay there, brave guy!" he said, and he gave me a tight hug. "Congrats! Why didn't you take me with you? I was serious when I said I'd be there!"

I blushed. "Ah, um... it's just something I had to do. Um, I guess Mom told you?"

"I didn't say a word. I thought you told him?" said Mom.

"Rumble, are we talking about the same thing?" I asked. I turned around and lifted tail to make it unambiguous.

"Yeah, dude. Wow, you've got some major swelling there," he said, and I turned back around. "Skeedaddle told us. He says he saw you go into the gelding clinic yesterday with your mom."

I looked up at Mom. She bit at her lower lip, then turned away from us. I guess she was leaving it up to me.

I sighed and looked Rumble in the eye. "Actually... I went by myself," I said. "It was stupid."

"Wait, what?" said Rumble. "What does that mean?"

"I mean, I went without Mom or anypony," I said, shrugging.

"That's... crazy. You're kidding." Rumble looked horrified, which kind of shocked me.

Shaking my head, I said, "No, I'm serious. Like I said, it was dumb."

"How? I can't believe they'd do you without your mom being there! That's insane!"

Not waiting for me to respond, Mom turned back to face us. "Rumble, Featherweight found a mare who pretended to be me. I'd like to know if anypony saw her, because we still don't know who she is. What she did was very wrong. I don't blame Feather, but the mare should have known better."

"That's really weird. What did she look like?" Rumble asked me.

"Feather was sedated, so he forgot most of the details," said Mom.

"Oh, um. They didn't sedate me right away," I quickly interjected. "They had already cut into me and they were almost done actually, but it got... complicated."

I saw Mom wince and hold her hoof to her face. It looked like she was trying not to cry. I felt awful inside.

"But Mom's right. I don't remember much about her," I added.

"Why, dude? Why would you do this?" asked Rumble. "Are you okay?"

"I just... I needed to prove I could do it, after everything that happened," I said. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Heavenly Sun. You're the bravest colt in the universe," he said, whistling.

"Stop saying that about me," I said, frowning. I must have looked angry because Rumble backed up a step.

"Guy, it's fine," he said. "I don't know why you're rustled, but... I'm just glad you're okay, and I'm proud of you. Alright?"

I closed my eyes. "Sorry," I said. "I don't know why I'm sensitive about it. I'm still upset about hitting you, and... there's more stuff but I don't wanna talk about it now. Maybe later, okay?" I opened my eyes. Rumble was smiling.

"Sure thing," he said, and hugged me again. "Hay, I brought friends with me. They're waiting outside. C'mon!"

"Feather, stay close to home and don't do anything physically exerting," said Mom.

Rumble led me outside. Standing there were three colts from our grade and Scootaloo (but she's practically a colt anyway). The boys were Chipcutter, Snips, and Snails. For some reason Skeedaddle was there, too, but I assumed it was because he was the one who told Rumble what he saw.

"Congratulations!" shouted everypony.

"Heh, thanks," I said, feeling a surprising uptick in my mood.

I wondered why that felt good, because I was obviously a liar who didn't deserve any accolades. Maybe what I'd endured was so horrible, that even though I'd done something wrong, I deserved at least a little love. I was definitely grateful to be on the other side of the nightmare.

If only I could still become a gelding, I thought. But I'll find a way.

Then Mom stepped outside and faced us.

"Are you Skeedaddle?" asked Mom, her gaze as penetrating as a cockatrice's. "Young colt, I need to ask you about the mare you saw Featherweight with yesterday."

"I... didn't see any mare with Featherweight," said Skeedaddle. "I just saw him enter the clinic through the front door. Wasn't he with you?"

"I see," said Mom, and her face fell. "No, Featherweight found a mare who pretended to be me, so he could go to the clinic by himself. I'm not mad at him, but I need to learn who this mare was."

"He doesn't remember who she is because they had to sedate him halfway through," said Rumble.

"Ouch," said Snips. "That sounds awful!"

"Uhh, why didn't you want your mom to go with you?" asked Snails.

Scootaloo knitted her brow. "Feather, I know you felt like you needed to prove something, but you shouldn't feel that way. Your friends are here for you, and that includes your mom."

"I... I know," I said, but my mind was elsewhere as I puzzled over what Skee had just said.

How could Skeedaddle have seen me enter through the front door of the clinic when I entered through the back?

Mom closed the door to the house. "I'll be back before lunch, son." She trotted in the direction of the clinic, wings lifted high in an aggressive posture, clearly ready to raise Tartarus. I tried not to think about it.

"I guess you're too sore to go flying or anything," said Chipcutter. "Do you need to stay inside today?"

"You should see his geld," said Rumble. "It's super swollen. I'd wanna stay in if I were him, but Feather's kind of a bad dude, so who knows? Going to the clinic without your family is nuts. Pun intended." He grinned.

"Yeah, I need to stay in. It's pretty sore back there. But thanks for coming, everypony. It really means a lot to me," I said.

"You bet," said Scootaloo. "Don't be crazy anymore, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, the magic of friendship," said Rumble, rolling his eyes. I cracked a smile, despite how insecure I felt.

Then I turned to Skee. "Hay, Skeedaddle? Can I talk to you for a little bit? I wanted to ask you something."

A strange look crossed Rumble's face, but then he nodded. "Catch you later, Feather. Kay?" he asked. I nodded back, and the herd began to disperse.

Skeedaddle was smiling, but I wasn't. I invited him into my house and walked him to my room.

"Nice place," he said. When we got to my room, I shut the door.

"You didn't actually see me enter the clinic, did you?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.

He grinned sheepishly and shrugged. "Nope. Glad you had the sense not to call me on it in front of your mom."

"Then how did you know I got cut?"

Skeedaddle took a deep breath. "Because I'm a stallion, like you," he whispered. He turned around and lifted tail. He looked like a gelding, but the remainder of his sac bulged out a little more than normal.

"Oh! Sheesh, I should have known. So that's why you were talking to me."

"Yes and no," said Skeedaddle. "I think you're pretty cool in general, Featherweight. You're a great photographer, and you're fun to be around. Even though you're younger than I am, I'd love to be your friend, balls or no balls."

I eyed him suspiciously. "If you say so. Wait, are you the one who was supposed to contact me?"

"In the pelt," he said, with a grin. "Your mom is going to the clinic to figure out what happened to you, huh?"

"Yeah. The doctor told me he wouldn't make a chart for me so I dunno what'll happen. Wait, will they say they didn't save my testicles?"

Skee shook his head. "No, that'd be front page news and they'd turn the clinic upside down. They'll store sheep testicles instead. There's plenty of those that never get used."

I sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "I guess I'll never be a father, but I'm sure that's for the best."

"What? Don't be silly! The best part about being a stallion is you can make kids the all-natural way," he said, and winked at me.

"Eww, gross," I said, sticking out my tongue. "Sorry. I'm really not into girls yet. Besides, I'd have to tell her, wouldn't I?"

"Not necessarily. You could hide it if you 'do it' right after the fake insemination," he said. "She might not notice you squirt, and sheep sperm won't do a thing to a mare."

"That's even grosser!" I said. I'm sure my muzzle had a nasty look on it.

"Yeah, I guess. What was your cover story again? They lost your chart or something?"

"The doctor wanted me to say that, but you heard Mom. I told her some mare pretended to be her, which the nurse kinda did. I thought that sounded more believable."

Skeedaddle's eyes widened. "Crap! Featherweight, you can't change your story! This could be a mess..." He stared into the distance as the wheels turned in his head. "Okay. I have to run to the clinic and try to warn them. Stay here."

"I, um... right," I said, not knowing what else to say. Skee immediately ran out of the house and went full gallop toward the clinic.

I shut the front door and returned to my room. For a brief moment, I hoped the lies would come crashing down on the bastards who did this to me. Then I remembered my part in this. I was already tangled so tightly in this web of deception I couldn't afford for anything to go wrong.

I started to write stuff down again, but it didn't last long. After about ten minutes there came a knock on the front door. I figured it was Mom or maybe Skeedaddle.

To my surprise, it was Rumble. He was frowning.

"Are... are you okay?" I asked. "Can you come in?"

He nodded and entered. I started to walk to my room, but he stayed pat in the kitchen. "Feather, can we talk?"

"Of course, buddy!" I said, wheeling about and hiding my anxiety behind a fake smile. Great. Now what have I done?

Rumble fussed with a fetlock and looked at the floor. "I know Skeedaddle is really cool. I... I just need to know if we're still, like, best buds and all," he said, his voice very soft.

"What? Dude, you're my best friend!" I said. "You know that."

He sighed deeply and nodded, finally looking up into my eyes. "Th-thanks," he said.

"Why in Equestria would you think I didn't like you anymore?"

"It's not that, it's just... I bet Skee is a great friend. And you deserve him. You're a real badass, Feather. I can't believe what you went through," he said.

I wanted to say it was no big deal, but the lie wouldn't exit my mouth. He was right, more than he knew. What I went through was unbelievable. But he was wrong about the rest of it.

"I'm the same coward I've always been," I said, hoofing against the floor.

"Why do you always say that about yourself?" said Rumble, his brow furrowing in anger. "You're always talking down about all the great stuff you can do! What you did yesterday was amazing!"

I swallowed hard. "Look, I have to fess up about something," I said, feeling a small weight lift from my withers. "I had my first emission Friday."

"Right. And you just went to get gelded without telling your mom."

"No, Rumble. Last Friday." Now it was my turn to look down at the floor.

"Okay, and?"

"What? I just told you. I tried to hide from gelding for like, a whole week!"

"Dude. So what?" said Rumble, with a snort. "Lots of colts hide it. That's totally normal."

"You didn't try to hide!" I said. "Wait. Did you?"

Rumble shook his head. "No, but I almost did. Like I told you, it took a lot of time for me to decide. It's not an easy choice."

"It isn't a choice. Er, not that it should be, but still."

"Exactly. That's why it isn't easy. Nopony wants to have something major done to them without getting to choose," said Rumble. "There's no shame in hiding it, Featherweight. It doesn't make you a coward, either. Did you really think I'd think less of you?"

Tears started to form in my eyes. "I guess I did."

Rumble hugged me tight, and I barely held back the waterworks. I think the medication helped. My mind felt floaty and my anxiety felt somewhat muted, even though I could feel the tension in my muscles that usually accompanies it. I hugged my friend back for a few moments, then he let go.

"You have to stop doing this to yourself. You're like, mental," said Rumble. "It's like... and please, don't hit me again, but..."

"I'm afraid of becoming my father. Yeah, I know. I really am," I said.

At that moment, the truth hit me in the pit of my stomach. My fears had come true, hadn't they? Maybe I wasn't a monster like my father, but I'd chosen the same path he had, and I could never tell Rumble what I'd done.

I immediately started to cry, and I sat down on the floor.

"Ah gosh," said Rumble, and he sat next to me and held me. "It's okay, colt. Really. You're nothing like... whatever he was."

"I'm m-more like him than you know," I sobbed, and grabbed a dish towel next to me to dry my eyes.

"Oh, Featherweight. You're the strongest pony I've ever met," said Rumble. "Even counting my brother. I know you don't want me saying it but it's true. I... I'll just shut up now."

Rumble kept one leg around me and pet my mane until I started to calm down.

"You wanna be alone?" he finally asked me. "I'm fine being here for you, if that's okay."

"I... I dunno what I want," I said. "Colt, I'm so lucky to have a friend like you."

Rumble blushed. "Ah, well, you deserve it."

Maybe I did deserve it, I thought. Maybe I'm not a terrible pony inside. I just made a couple of terrible mistakes.

"Thank you, Rumble."

"Don't mention it," he said. "Seriously, don't tell anypony. I have a reputation to maintain."

I chuckled. "Um, okay," I said.

"I'm just kidding," he added, with a wink. "That was a joke. I ain't embarrassed of you."

There was another knock at the door, which I assumed was Mom. Despite looking like an emotional wreck, I hopped up and answered it.

"I was able to get there in time..." said Skeedaddle. "Whoa. Are you okay?"

I sniffled and nodded. "Yeah, just... dealing," I said. Rumble walked up next to me.

"It was a tough geld," said Rumble, clearly defending me in advance. "I can't imagine being there without family."

"I'm sure it was," said Skeedaddle, still outside the house. "Um, do you wanna chat later, then?"

"If that's okay," I said. "Stop by this afternoon, I guess?"

"Will do," he said. "Rest up. And, um... remember, you don't need to talk about anything that happened to you. You know that, right?" His eyebrows raised noticeably.

I took in a deep breath and exhaled. It was obvious what he meant. "Yeah, I totally get that," I said.

"Good. Catch you guys later." Skee walked away and I shut the door.

"Wanna go to your room? Crying out here in the kitchen is kind of a drag," teased Rumble.

"Yeah, come on," I said, and led him into my room.

Rumble jumped onto my bed. "It's weird seeing you and Skee together. I mean, you're both really shy, y'know?"

I nodded. "Was that part of why you were, um, worried?"

Rumble grimaced. "I wouldn't say worried..." he began, then shrugged. "Okay, worried. You're both cool and shy. I don't really 'get' shy, even though you're my closest bud."

"I guess I'm afraid to say things around other ponies because I don't want to say the wrong thing?" I said, trying to explain. "I don't know, really. Getting to know somepony new is hard because you have to say things. And everything could go wrong."

"So how did you two even start talking?"

"Well, it was at the Hayburger," I said, then realized I didn't have a good story. Skeedaddle warned me about this, I thought, and I paused with my mouth open.

I needed to come up with something that would fit anything Skee might say. Maybe something he wouldn't want to reveal. Ugh. I hated lying to my best friend.

Rumble patiently waited, and finally I continued. "Look, don't tell anypony this. Promise?"

He made the motions of a Pinkie Promise. "You got it, dude."

"I did have a hard geld. A really hard geld. Skee had one too," I said. "That's why we have stuff to talk about. He understands what I went through."

Horse apples. I probably went too far with that.

"Oh. Yeah, that totally makes sense," said Rumble. "It's totes okay if you don't wanna talk about it."

"Thanks," I said. "It was just... hard."

"I can't imagine," he said.

No, you cannot. Thank Celestia.

"I'm feeling a lot better now, though. I think I'm over all the emotional crap," I said, which was in all likelihood the biggest lie I'd told so far. "Anyway, it's done with."

"Yeah, exactly. Hay, do you wanna see it? Where's your camera?"

My ears perked up. I was interested in seeing it. I knew it probably wouldn't make me feel any better, but I was curious about how realistic it looked.

I reached into my desk and hoofed Rumble one of my cameras. He jumped down off of my bed, and I turned and lifted tail.

"What do I do, just push the button?"

"There's more to it if you want to get fancy, but it should work with the settings on there now. So, yeah, just push the button," I said.

"I'll get a few shots," said Rumble, and he took three shots at what I assumed were different angles. "And a fourth one super close-up. Oh! And just for fun, let's do another close-up of... no, wait. If I take a close up of your ponut somepony's going to think we're making foalnography."

"Yeah, don't do that," I said, shuddering at the thought of becoming two kinds of sex criminal.

I'd chosen the automatic camera, so the pictures came out quickly. The gauze bandage didn't hide much. It was a little red back there, but very swollen. I didn't know how much was swelling and how much was the pseudo-geld.

"Gosh. What if it never goes down?" I said.

Rumble laughed. "It'll go down, don't worry. It's normal to swell up some."

"Yeah, but it might stay a little like a bulge. What if I don't look like a gelding?"

"Dude, you already look like a gelding, even with the swelling," he said. "Plus you'll have the scar. Don't worry about it. You're an adult now, and it shows."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "I guess so," I said. My gut was starting to hurt again, and I held a hoof on my butt. "Rumble, would you mind if I took a nap? The pain's coming back a little, and I think I need some quiet time."

"Message received. I'll show myself out," said Rumble. "Really glad you're okay. I'll stop by tomorrow, alright?"

"That'd be perfect," I said.

Rumble left and I lay down under the covers for a nap. As I lay there, my mind buzzed in thought. I'd barely had any time to talk to Skeedaddle! I had so many questions to ask him. But one question was more important than all the rest.

How do I get gelded for real?