Geldings

I had a short nap. I dreamed about pain in my gut, and I woke to pain in my gut. There were two distinct pains: my hidden stones, and everything else around them. The squeezing of my nuts was the worse of the two.

I had a frightful thought that I might always be in pain inside. I figured it might be tolerable if I could keep taking the narcotics forever, but I was pretty sure Mom wouldn't let that fly. Whatever they had done to hide my testicles, it wasn't natural. Who knows how long the discomfort would last?

Skeedaddle would know. He was coming by this afternoon. Thank Celestia.

I got up and went to the kitchen. Mom was there preparing daisy sandwiches for lunch. "Hello Feather. I'm back from the clinic," she said. I could tell she was stressed out from the tone in her voice. "Are you hungry?"

"Mom, could I have another pill?" I asked, my voice trembling. It sounded like I was in pain because I was in pain. I didn't need to pretend.

"Feather, are you sure..." she replied, then took one look at my face and buckled. Her muzzle twitched in sympathy. "Of course, sweetie. Here, I'm almost done with prepping lunch. I'll give it to you in a moment." I could tell getting her to give me the meds from now on was going to be easy. She probably still felt guilty, and though that was entirely my fault, in a sick way it worked to my advantage.

I gingerly sat down in a chair, leaning back onto my ponut to avoid mashing the region of doom. It's not polite to sit directly on your ponut, of course, but I was clean enough, and these were extenuating circumstances. I'd wipe the seat afterwards just to be sure.

It took a few minutes for Mom to finish, and the moment she gave me the pills I tossed back the narcotic with some spit I'd saved up while waiting. I was that desperate for relief. The antibiotic I took after she served me a glass of water. As we ate, Mom stared longingly at me and reached across the table to pet my mane.

The food was tasty enough to distract me somewhat while I waited for the pill to work its magic. Mom helped distract me too, with conversation.

"I went to the gelding clinic, Feather. Let me tell you, it was a royal fiasco! At first they couldn't find your records. I had to wait nearly an hour before I could even speak to the doctor who performed your gelding!" she said, frowning.

"Oh. Was he an old guy?" I asked. "I, um... barely remember that. But maybe I'm thinking of what Rumble told me, because he had a really old doctor."

"Yes, he was. Doctor Pastures was his name. But here's the bizarre part. When he finally came and greeted me, he welcomed me back to the clinic," she said. "I told him I'd never been here before, and that you were accompanied by some strange mare, but he said he was fairly certain it was me. He even had the nerve to suggest I was suffering from traumatic stress after seeing the difficult gelding you had to endure!" Mom pounded her hoof on the table.

I realized Doctor Pastures had never introduced himself to me, but it was just as well. I had to swallow a big bite of food in one gulp so I could respond. "Oh gosh. I'm so sorry, Mom. Please don't be mad at me..."

"You? Oh, baby. I'm not mad at you! I'm just angry this could have happened to a foal at all," she explained. "I told the doctor I was certain that mare was not me. He said he'd ask around the clinic to try to figure out who it was. There was a nurse with him who said she thought it was me, too. I couldn't believe it."

"Maybe it was somepony who looks like you?" I asked.

Mom's jaw clenched tight. "Feather, I'm worried. I don't know if this is unicorn voodoo or maybe even a changeling, but there's no way somepony confused another mare in Ponyville for your mother. Nopony here looks like I do," she said. "There aren't many pegasi who live here and I'm fairly sure I've met every one in my age bracket."

"Wow. It's a mystery," I said. Almost immediately I grimaced at how stupid that sounded.

"Baby?" said Mom, reaching over to brush my forelock aside. "Are you okay?"

"Sorry. Just the pain," I said. A white lie, which was a refreshing change of pace from all the pitch-black ones.

Then Mom stood up from the table and shook her head. "I need to see Princess Twilight Sparkle about this. It's just too dangerous. I've never spoken directly to her, but everypony says she's very approachable."

"She is. I've talked to her a few times..." I said, then dropped the rest of my sandwich back onto the plate. "Wait, the Princess? Mom, I really don't think you should involve her."

"This is important, Featherweight." Mom's face was a rock.

"I'm fine, Mom. They gelded me, and it went fine."

"The surgeon said there were complications. You needed to be sedated when your cords became tangled," said Mom. "I should have been there for you. I should have been there!" Her eyes were wide, and rimmed with tears.

"Mom! It's okay, really," I said, stepping off the chair and walking to her side. I reached up and held her neck in my forelegs, and she wrapped her wings around me.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I know I shouldn't care about this. I'm just sorry I wasn't able to be there for you when you needed me most."

I was starting to feel like I might cry, but that's when the drugs kicked in, thankfully.

"I know, Mom. I know you would have been there," I said. "And I didn't need you most during the gelding. I need you most right now, here with me."

She smiled a sickly-looking smile and wiped a tear from her cheek with a wingtip. "You are the most amazing pony in the world," she said. "Er, Mommy needs to use the restroom." Mom trotted off into the bathroom and shut the door.

I breathed out and returned to my seat, then finished both my sandwich and salad quickly. I put my dishes in the washer, but I let Mom's sit out because she hadn't finished her food yet.

"I'm going to lie down," I called to her.

"Okay, Feather. I love you."

"Love you too, Mom."

I entered my room and shut the door.

I tried to nap again, mainly because the pills made me feel tired, but they also made my mind active so instead I lay under the covers with my brain buzzing about what I'd ask Skeedaddle when he showed up. Despite all that thinking, I didn't get anywhere concrete. My mind kept wandering to an imaginary conversation with him where he would reveal random secrets about the stallions. I imagined him telling me they were all over town, more common than geldings! But then I imagined it was only me, him, and the doctor, plus the nurse in on the secret. I even imagined he managed to convince the doctor to properly geld me as long as I never told anypony—fat chance there, I knew. Many other ideas bounced around in my mind, but I don't remember what they were.

I couldn't wait much longer. Anxiety was gripping me pretty hard. At least the narcotic medication kept the emotion from smashing over me like a tsunami. What if he didn't show up at all? What would I do then?

Skeedaddle finally arrived a couple of hours later. Mom had gone out again, without leaving a note (which wasn't like her). I worried she'd left to talk to Princess Twilight.

I invited Skee in and we went to my room. He shut the door and spoke to me in a quiet voice. "Okay. I bet you have a bunch of questions," he said.

"You have no idea," I replied, speaking in a whisper. "Could you please tell me what the buck is going on?"

He nodded. "Right. Well, it's pretty straightforward. There's an underground herd of stallions here in Ponyville, and elsewhere in Equestria as well. We don't know how many, though, because we're afraid to network too much in case one of the groups gets exposed."

"Underground?" I said. "Like, you're hanging out in caves?"

Skee shook his head. "No, colt. It's just an expression. It means we're hiding from public notice."

"Oh. That makes much more sense," I said. "But before you go further, I have a really important question I need to know the answer to, like, right now."

He nodded. "Shoot."

I swallowed an empty gulp of air. "Can I still become a real gelding?"

Skeedaddle blinked a few times. "What?"

"Listen. I don't want this, Skee. I never wanted to be a stallion. I didn't know what I was getting into!" I said. "I want to be like my friends. I don't want to be a criminal."

He planted a hoof over his face. "Holy Friendship. You're kidding? Please tell me you're kidding."

"No. I want these things out of my body," I said. "I'll cut them out myself if I have to."

"Don't say that!" said Skeedaddle, a little too loud. He lowered his voice. "Look, you can't get them out. You'd probably bleed to death if you tried something crazy like that."

"Then how do I get rid of them?"

Skeedaddle bit at his lip. "Look, even if you don't want to be a stallion, give it a chance, okay? Let me show you the ropes. You're going to be glad you did."

"My mom was raped by a stallion, Skeedaddle. I'm like, a rape baby," I said.

"Oh crap. Yeah, I know, I heard about that. But being a stallion does not mean you're anything like your father," he said. "I'm not a rapist. You're not a rapist."

"What if I become one?"

"You won't. You care about other ponies, Feather. You have friends. We made sure of that before you were selected."

I stared down at my hooves. "I dunno. I'm still scared," I said. "I want to be a gelding like my friends."

"Am I... not your friend?" he asked me. His face looked like he'd eaten something sour.

"Well, sure you are," I said, and frowned hard. "I mean, you're a new friend, but I'm not saying anything bad about you. I want to be like Rumble, that's all. I mean, I want to be legal. Can you imagine what ponies would say if they found out I was secretly a stallion? Can you imagine what they'd say about my mom?"

"They'll never say anything because they'll never know. It's foalproof, Feather."

"I'm still going to rip them out if the doctor won't do it. I swear I will." I was bluffing, but only just barely.

"Give it two weeks," said Skee. "That's all I ask. If you hate it two weeks from now, I'll help you pressure the doctor to finish the geld. Okay?"

It was the best offer I'd had since this mess began. I doubted it was sincere, but beggars can't be choosers, so they say. "Fine," I said, the word low and rumbling in my throat.

Skeedaddle's muzzle relaxed. "Thank you. Now do you have questions, or do you want me to just start talking?"

I paused for a moment. "Yeah, I guess I have a couple of important questions. My balls hurt," I said. "When will that go away?"

"It's a little uncomfortable, yeah," he said. "I'm not gonna lie, it still aches a little for me sometimes. Most of the time it's fine, though. You'll feel better in about a week."

"My pills only last three days," I said. "You're not selling this 'stallion' thing very well."

"It'll be a little rough for you this week, but you'll pull through. I can get some pills for you through the doctor if you're in desperate need but you need to hide them, obviously," he said. "But you should try to endure it. The threat of addiction is not a joke."

"Ugh. I guess I'm more worried about hiding the emissions, though. I can't keep doing the feather trick every night. I'm going to lose my mind," I said.

"What's the feather trick?" Skeedaddle's ears swiveled forward.

"It keeps me from having a wet dream. You don't wanna know how it works."

"Yikes. I feel for you, colt," he said, wisely taking my advice. "Well, the emissions aren't a problem. Just make sure you slap off every night just before bed. It should be even easier for you because you're a pegasus."

"Oh, gross! No way, Skeedaddle. I am not doing that," I said, nearly gagging at the thought.

"You're growing up. It's just part of being an adult. Geldings and mares do it too, just not as frequently," he said. "The first few times it feels pretty repulsive, though. You'll feel guilty and stuff and won't be able to enjoy the pleasure it gives you. But you'll get used to it after a few days. You just have to be strong."

"That's going to be a problem. I'm not strong," I said.

"The doctor told me how hard the pseudo was for you," said Skee, and the sympathy on his face was unmistakable. "You are strong, Featherweight."

I shook my head. "Whatever. I think I'd rather do the trick."

"If you don't slap off you'll start to drop in public," he said. "You gotta do it. I can help you with it, or we can get somepony else, like the nurse."

"Help me with it? Are all stallions perverts?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"A little bit, yeah," said Skee, and he actually smiled from that. "It's a brave new world you're entering. It'll be more fun than you can imagine, and it features new kinds of friendship, too."

"That's ridiculous," I said, but I had to admit, I was intrigued. "I still don't know how I'm going to master, um..."

"Masturbate," he said. "You have a couple days off, though. Not only will your mother not question if you have an emission shortly after the geld, the pills you're on will mute your sex drive quite a bit."

"I want to take these pills forever," I said. "Seriously, is there anything they can't do?"

"Well, not having a sex drive isn't a good thing, honestly. But if you get hooked on those pills you'll get lazy, stop being able to concentrate, fail out of school..."

"Okay, okay! I get the idea," I said. "I don't actually want to take them, I'm just desperate. I wish I didn't have to deal with these horse apples at all."

Skeedaddle reached over and hugged me, which seemed pretty spontaneous to me. His legs were strong and his chest was warm against mine. "I'm sorry Feather, I really am. I'll help you get through this. We all will."

I waited until he stopped the hug to respond. "Who is 'we', anyway?" I asked.

"Not many ponies. First off, Calm Pastures, that's the surgeon, but he's a gelding not a stallion..."

"He's a gelding?" I said. "Why would he do this to ponies?"

Skee shrugged. "It's something he believes in. He's gelded so many poor colts he had to do something."

"I don't understand. I guess if I were him it would get tough, but that's his job. He makes society better."

"Well... maybe, maybe not," he responded. "Anyway, Nurse Serotype is in on it. You've met her too."

"You mean she raped me along with the doctor. Yep." I didn't blink.

Skeedaddle's eyes widened so much I was afraid they'd fall out of his head. "Don't joke about that."

"I guess they didn't tell you just how bad of a 'pseudo' it was. If it wasn't for the drugs I'd probably be in the hospital right now, for one reason or another. I don't even want to think about it," I said. "They strapped me down and forced me to get the operation while I begged for them to stop. I just wanted them to geld me. They even shoved a bit in my mouth to shut me up."

My guest sat down on the floor and stared into space. "I can't believe that. You didn't want the operation? Seriously?" he asked. "I thought you were exaggerating when you said you never wanted to be a stallion..."

I shook my head rapidly. "Look, I don't want to talk about this right now. Or ever again."

"But why did they do it?"

"I don't know, Skee. They just told me it was too late."

Skeedaddle closed his eyes and sighed. "Ah. They didn't want you telling anypony. They were thinking of the herd," he said. "This way you're one of us. It makes sense, but I still can't believe it."

"You guys are criminals. I guess this is what criminals are willing to do to say safe."

"No, it's more than that. They did it for you too," he said. "I know it seems horrible but you will appreciate this, Feather. We saved you."

"Stop saying I'll appreciate being raped! I'm tired of hearing that!" I yelled. "The doctor and nurse both..."

"Feather, are you okay?" said Mom, opening the door. Apparently, she came home and I didn't hear her. "What's going on?"

"It's okay," I said. "Just having a friendly argument, that's all!" Both of us put on fake smiles.

Mom narrowed her eyes at us. "I don't want to hear that kind of shouting in my house, boys. Play nice, alright?"

"Sure thing Mrs. Featherweight's Mom," said Skeedaddle.

"She's got a name. It's—"

"It's fine, dear," said Mom. "But I'm a Miss, not a Misses. Just be friendly. I know Feather's been through a lot lately, but try to keep things calm." She left the room and shut my door.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. But we have to be really careful," he whispered.

I sighed, and kept my voice down. "I know. Just... I'm scared and I don't know what to do."

"That's what I'm here for, friend."

"I appreciate that, but are there more colts than just you and me? Not that I'm mad at you or anything. I know you're not the one who did this to me."

He nodded. "Yeah. Snips, ironically enough. He doesn't do much with the rest of us, though. He's kind of weird about the stallion thing. I think he likes it, but he's frustrated about girls. He's not, like, super attractive or anything. I mean, he talks to them all the time, but he's kind of friend-zoned."

"Oh. Wow. That's... kind of sad," I said. "Wait, what's friend-zoned? Isn't that a good thing?"

"It means when a filly or colt just wants to be friends. They don't want to think about you being, like, a romantic partner or anything," he explained. "Anyway, Snips does keep in touch with the rest of us, he's just not really gung-ho about stuff. The rest includes my mom, Thunderlane, and a few ponies we haven't met yet because Snips and I aren't allowed to go to the meetings. So with you added to the mix, that makes seven of us I know personally."

I wrinkled up my muzzle. "You told your mom? Seriously?"

He shook his head. "She already knew. She's why I was saved, actually. Dad doesn't know, though."

"Oh. Wait a minute, Thunderlane? Rumble said he got caught slapping off and went to get gelded right then!"

"Yeah, that was a trick. The doctor asked to talk to him in private, then told him what he was going to do. Thunderlane agreed. Then the doctor convinced his parents he thought it would be a difficult geld for some medical reason, so they were going to sedate him straight away. After he was sedated the doctor asked his parents to leave the room and then he pseudoed him."

"Why didn't they do that to Rumble, then?"

Skeedaddle grimaced. "We don't have a lot of information to go on, Feather. I try to make observations of other colts, and we only do it when we're certain they'll be okay with it. It isn't easy."

"That's obvious. You definitely miscalculated with me," I said, angrily but quietly.

"Maybe. Anyway, I didn't think Rumble truly wanted to be a stallion. He was a possible, but I told them I didn't think he was safe," he said. "I guess it was my fault. I'm sorry."

"Your fault?" I said, then I actually smiled a little. "It's fine. He's better off without this nightmare. I seriously envy him right now."

"It's not all bad, really. You'll see that soon."

I couldn't wait... but not in the good way.