Geldings

After Mom dropped the bombshell that she'd be willing to hide me from the law, we stood there in silence for a moment, just staring at each other. Then she continued talking.

"I don't think it will matter because what you're experiencing is almost certainly a temporary burst. You should know in a few days. But I meant what I said: if you end up with a high tee level, I'll keep it a secret if that's your choice. That choice would come with a small price, however," she said, sitting down on the floor by the chair and pulling me up next to her.

"A price?" I asked, and my mind wandered to a dark place. I hope this isn't some kind of manipulative catch... I know Mom never would, but I'm still hoofshy from what I've been through.

She bit at her lip. "You wouldn't be able to tell anypony about our arrangement, and it's not just because it's illegal for you to maintain high tee."

I nodded slowly. "Right, because you're covering for me. But... you said I can go to the doctor if I want to. That would be responsible, right? Why wouldn't I make that choice, when you said it's what a good pony would do?" I asked her, and I could feel the muscles in my withers tensing. "I mean, a couple of days ago you swore to me you'd literally chop off your leg to convince me to be gelded! Were you just kidding? Were you lying to me?"

She closed her eyes and encircled me with a wing. "I wouldn't lie to you, Feather. Yes, I'd go to unreasonable lengths to convince you to do something that had a good chance to save you from a lifetime of misery. I have to imagine many mothers would do the same," she said. "However, over the weekend I've been ruminating, and I feel increasingly uncertain. Of course I want you to do what a good pony would do, even if 'good pony' is a moral oversimplification. But is accepting gelding what a good pony should do, even if it would make your life easier in some ways?"

"I think so, yeah," said Featherweight. "Gelding sucks, but I don't know if I can argue against 'fewer monsters'. Would you want to live in a world where I didn't have to be gelded, but you'd have to live with the fact that a stallion might rape me or kill me, totally at random?"

Mom froze for a moment, and I could see the color in the thin pelt beneath her eyes blanch. "Well... I don't know. I don't like thinking about that, of course. But mutilating you to offer protection for something that is unlikely to happen to you isn't an obvious choice. It depends on how much safer gelding makes us. Maybe if as many as ten percent of stallions did horrible things, and there were no warning signs for it at all, it might make sense. But even the history books, which I suspect contain more than a little exaggeration, don't make claims that striking," she said, tightening her wing around me. "If it were elective, and at age seventeen or later, I could easily support it. I mean, you certainly have the right to be gelded, if you're old enough and you want it to happen. Social pressure might be sufficient to convince most stallions to do the right thing."

If only I still had the 'right' to be gelded!

"It'd be too late by then. It might help prevent some crimes, but most of the damage would have been done already," I countered. "I don't think social pressure would convince most guys to cut off their nuts, not once enough of them have refused that they can support each other socially. And any level of forcing at that point, even if it's just for stallions who show 'warning signs' or whatever, might lead stallions to... to overthrow..."

I paused as the realization hit me. That's what we are, isn't it? It's not just about the law. We're rebels against the Crown entirely! I was starting to realize just how enormous this dark cloud was that I'd become ensnared in.

After the awkward pause, I tried to shift gears. "Um, for example, Miss Cheerilee says that a lot of rape doesn't have anything to do with sex. It's about power. It's probably about that cat-arctic stuff you were talking about, except evil."

I worried for a moment when I saw Mom close her eyes, and her eyelids twitched. "I admit she has a point. My rapist—I'm never going to call him your 'father' again, not after what you've been through—it was like he tried to inflict maximum damage, down there," she whispered. "He... it was so violent that he dislocated things. The doctors couldn't believe the pregnancy took, and they were even more shocked when it didn't miscarry within the first quadmester. But the thing that most surprised them was I didn't want to abort. After everything, it felt too much like a miracle that you'd beaten all those odds. And maybe it was selfish, but I needed something positive to come out of my horrible experience. I needed something to make that unwilling sacrifice worth it." She opened her eyes and smiled, wiping a tear away with a fetlock. "I probably should have listened to them, but I didn't, and I never could have imagined I would be able to look back on what happened and not regret it. You're worth so much more than all the pain I've had to endure, Featherweight. Maybe that's something only a mother can understand, I don't know. But I know I'm the luckiest mare in Equestria."

I smiled wanly. "Then I'm the luckiest colt, I guess, even if I don't feel that way right now. I'm glad we look so much alike, because I don't want to be reminded of..." I whispered, then my voice trailed off as I tried not to think about it. I looked over and traced her C-section scar gently with a hoof. "That's why you had to do it this way, huh?"

"Yes," she said, in a more normal speaking voice. "And I can never have another foal. It isn't medically impossible, but I probably wouldn't survive it. I doubt magic would help either. But none of this, even having lived through one of the worst-case scenarios of what can go wrong when a colt isn't gelded, convinces me that a good pony—or anypony—should have to undergo this procedure as long as the only way to do it is when they're too young to understand the consequences. Forcing every mother's colt to be mutilated against the colt's wishes just in case they turn out to be a bad pony... I don't think it's right, and I don't know if doing this to so many foals who don't deserve or need it could truly justify the lives it supposedly saves. I'm sure I'm being selfish, but I'm a mother. I feel guilty for pressuring you to accept the geld, Son. I know you're not a monster, and I know you never will be. You're my colt, and I love you."

I leaned back away from her. "Guilty? It's not your fault, it's my fault! I should have gone with you right away!" I said, with more anger in my voice than I'd intended. "I know it's a sacrifice, and maybe I'm too young to understand it, but sending me to the clinic is doing what's right for ponykind."

"You are part of ponykind, Feather! You matter, and you've done nothing to deserve 'the stallion's burden'. You didn't choose to be born a colt," she said. "Males are a very important part of our culture, and they deserve every bit as much respect and nurture as females do. But the way things are in our society, I'm not sure anypony would choose to be one."

"Choose to be a colt... is this like being trans?" I asked.

Mom paused in thought. "Not exactly. I'm talking about the benefits and drawbacks of being a filly biologically, which is separate from gender. I'm not an expert on transgender ponies, but I'm sure they have a psychological minefield to navigate, and gelding probably makes it even more complicated," she said. "If they're female, then some of them would want to be gelded anyway, but not all, and ideally it should be on their terms. If they're male, it might seem unfair that they don't need to be gelded since they were born without testicles, and it's probably the case that some would like to take more tee than a physician can legally prescribe. I'm just guessing, though. Either way, gelding is obviously a gender-relevant issue that every colt must struggle with, including those who change genders."

I kicked my legs out and leaned back against Mom, right there on the carpeted floor of her bedroom. It made me feel younger. It reminded me of back when I was warm and safe. It had been a little over a week since I'd felt safe and secure as a foal my age should, but it seemed like it'd been an eternity. I was starting to feel that comfort again, but I remained terrified it could abandon me once again at any moment.

While thinking about my position in all of this, I had a brief flashback to the doctor's office. My body jerked in response.

"Son?" said Mom, gently petting my forelock with a hoof.

I need emotional support... but what can I tell you? I have to say something, anything at all. I just have to.

"Mom... if something really bad happened to me, because of something I did wrong, would you be able to forgive me for it?" I whispered.

"That doesn't make any sense. I don't want bad things to happen to you, and you always have my forgiveness," said Mom. "Baby, what's going on?"

I gulped, and shut my eyes. "I don't want to make you upset."

"Feather, it's no burden! I need to know. I can't help you if I don't know. Don't shut me out. Please," she said, holding me tightly.

I nodded and opened my eyes. "I'm not ready to talk about it, but... the day I got gelded... stuff happened."

My mother's eyes widened and her nostrils flared, but I could tell she was holding back as best she could. "Go on, sweetie."

"It's worse than you know," I said. "That's all. It wasn't just a bad geld. Other stuff happened too, and I just... I need to know it's okay."

I felt her legs shiver for a moment as they held me, and her wings retracted. "Listen to me, Son. Everything will be okay, I promise you. I forgive you for whatever you think you did wrong. But having bad things happen to you is not okay," she whispered. "Did somepony hurt you?"

"I can't talk about it now," I said. "Please don't make me, Mom. Please."

"I don't want to pressure you, but you need to realize if there's somepony dangerous out there who could hurt other foals, you should tell me," she said, petting my head with an uncertain hoof. "Is this about that mare? That... that horrible mare who took you to Doctor Pastures?"

"Nopony else is in danger," I said. "I know for a fact that this is not a thing that can happen again. It was only me."

"Featherweight, the only way you'll feel better is if you can tell me what happened," said Mom, her voice cracking. I felt my heart sink. "Please let Mommy help you. Please. I'm so worried."

I paused in thought. "I can't do that to you, Mom. I know what you went through."

"That doesn't have anything—"

"Mom."

She stopped talking. Tears were running down my cheeks, I could feel it.

"I know what you went through," I whispered.

My Mom's forelegs began to shake as they held me. Her jaw dropped. She understood.

"Not... not the exact same thing, obviously. Mom, I'm sorry..." I turned my head to look at her face. She wasn't crying, but she was clearly shaken.

"You have nothing to be sorry about," she said. It looked like it was hard for her to form the words with her mouth, but she did so very slowly and deliberately.

"No. I didn't want you to know. I knew it would hurt you. But I wasn't strong enough to hide it," I whispered, and messily wiped my eyes and cheeks with a leg. "A few ponies know. Ponies I trust not to tell you, because I knew it would hurt. But I can't talk about the details, and it just, it hurts inside," I said, choking on my words.

Mom looked down at the floor, and her eyes moved this way and that. "I failed to protect you," she said.

"It's not your responsibility."

"It's my ONLY responsibility. I'm your mother."

"Whatever. It wasn't your fault. It was mine, because I made some mistakes—"

"Feather, listen to me very, very closely," she said, forcefully grabbing the back of my neck to force me to look her in the eyes. "Rape is never the fault of the victim. Ever. No matter what!"

"But I..."

"It's true there are choices you can make to minimize risk. Some choices in life may be wiser than others, and some choices may be very naive and even make it much more likely that you'll be hurt. But those choices are not what raped you. The fault lies with and only with the perpetrator, period," she said. Her grip on my neck was so tight it hurt, but I didn't dare say anything. "I blamed myself for what happened to me. I did it for years. You do not have my permission to do the same! I will not allow my boy to make that same, horrid mistake!"

"I..." I said, gasping for breath. I couldn't remember being legitimately afraid of my mother before. I knew she wasn't going to hurt me, but I didn't know what to do.

"I want to hear you say it, right now. You are NOT at fault for what somepony else did to you," she said. "Say it!"

"I'm not at fault!" I squealed.

"He did this to you! He did it, not you! Say it!"

There was something strange about how she said the word 'he', and it wasn't just the unprompted assumption that a male pony had assaulted me. "He... I mean, they... they did it to me!" I said. "Please, Mommy..."

"They?" she whispered, but her grip did not weaken. I was beginning to see stars, and thought I might pass out.

"You're hurting me... let go!" I whined.

She gasped and released me, then pulled me in tight with her forelegs and held me firm, sobbing helplessly on my shoulder.

I wasn't crying anymore, but I rocked against her in my legs, trying to comfort her. "I'm sorry, Mom. I'm so sorry! I never wanted to tell you. I shouldn't have..."

"That... that is not the problem. You're not at fault for this, Son, please... please don't make my mistake, I'm begging you..." she whispered.

And of course, that's exactly when somepony knocked on the door. We both froze like a dumb beast caught in the headlights of the Friendship Express. Several seconds passed and the knock returned, more insistently this time.

"I'll get it," she murmured, and tried to stand. The expression in Mom's eyes was vacant, like a zombie, and she looked like she'd just stepped out of Tartarus.

"No. I will," I said, standing up. "I'll be right back." I wiped my eyes, trotted to the front door, and opened it. Skeedaddle and Rumble were standing there, and they looked horrified.

I blinked and sniffed, then it registered. "Oh. That bad, I guess?" I asked.

"Dammit! I'm going to destroy whoever did this to you during your geld," said Rumble, his nostrils flaring and one forehoof scraping against our porch as if preparing to charge. "It was the geld doctor, wasn't it? No, I'm sorry, I'm not going to push you... but if you can't tell me, I'll just go beat them all up."

I saw Skeedaddle's eyes widen.

"No! Rumble... Okay, look. Mom and I were talking about... bad things that happened to us both," I said, and I saw Skee wince. "Just general stuff, that's all, but the kinda stuff you don't wanna remember. Y-you, you know what I mean, right?" I hoped 'general stuff' was enough to send the message. Skeedaddle seemed to relax a little, so I was fairly sure it worked.

"Oh no. Look, Feather... if you want to push off your part of the sleepover thing tonight, that's fine," said Rumble. "I, I was just going to ask if you wanted Skee to come too, but—"

"It's okay, really," I interrupted, mopping my eyes again. "Ugh, I must look like a total mess. Look, I can ask Mom, but I think it'll be okay for tonight. I know she wants me to socialize, and I want that too. This thing right now... it's just something that had to happen. I mean, it's not okay at the moment, but if you come back in an hour, it might be better, or at least... not this bad. I can probably tell you then."

They both nodded slowly.

"Take good care of her," said Skeedaddle.

"And yourself," said Rumble.

I nodded back and smiled. "Thanks guys," I said, then I closed the door and returned to Mom.

She was wiping her face with tissues, and seemed more... 'there', which relieved me.

"Thank you, Feather," she said, then grimaced. "I... I heard Rumble. He said they did it to you during your geld. Sweetie, if the doctors did something bad to you, it could happen to another colt too. Did the doctor do... something else to you?"

I think she could tell from the look on my face, but I had to bluff.

"The doctor didn't mean to hurt me. This isn't just about the geld, it's... it's more than that. I didn't tell Rumble the details, so he's guessing," I said, making sure all three of those were technically true (as far as I knew the truth, anyway). "Look, Mom, please don't talk to them about this! Skee knows too. I know you're mad about me being hurt, but you have to believe me when I say this was a one-time thing that can't happen to anypony else, and none of my friends know any more than you do."

Mom clenched her jaw momentarily, then nodded. "Of course I won't talk to your friends about this, sweetie. It's not their business, and besides, I only want to hear the truth from you. Trying to figure out something personal that you don't want to tell me by gossiping with your friends is not the right way to be a parent."

"Maybe the sleepover is a bad idea. I don't want you to have to face anypony tonight," I said, lowering my head.

"No, honey. I think the sleepover will be good for you, and I should be fine in an hour," she said. "I wish you would open up to me a little more, but I understand it will take time... and even though I'm your mother, and I'm always on your side, I admit I'm not the best pony to share this with right now."

"I know. I don't want to talk about the details, and that hurts you," I said, gritting my teeth, "but if I do, it will hurt you more."

Mom shook her head. "That's not what I mean. Feather, I am... your mother is not the right pony to talk to you about this."

"But... why?" My confusion must have been apparent, judging by how she looked at me.

Mom reached out her hoof, and I took it in mine. "Seeing you hurt is bringing back memories of the mistakes I made, and as much as I want to help you, I don't want to make your suffering about me," she explained.

"Oh. Yeah, I get it. You kinda scared me a little before, but I knew where it came from," I said, immediately wishing I hadn't.

It didn't faze her, though. "Yes, exactly. You need to talk to somepony you can trust to share your experiences with, but it needs to be somepony who isn't caught up in anything like... whatever this is. Maybe it was even wrong for me to assume you were talking about rape."

"It's... very close," I said, and she grimaced. "But there's nopony else I can talk to, other than Skee. He had, um, a hard geld too, but nothing like what I went through. I can't trust an adult with this stuff. It would hurt you, and everypony else either wouldn't understand, or else they... well, they're not far enough away from it to think straight, sorta."

She shook her head. "I mean a therapist, Feather."

"No. I can't trust a therapist, Mom."

She seemed surprised. "Why not? I realize it may take time before you're comfortable talking about it..."

I swallowed hard. "Because it's related to illegal stuff, like... well, just like hiding my high tee thing. It's not that exactly, but it's a good example. Remember how you said I couldn't tell anypony about that? Even therapists have to report certain stuff, like if you have specific plans to kill somepony else. Scootaloo told me that. She gets therapy for stuff—don't share that though."

Mom nodded. "Therapy shouldn't be shameful, but her feelings are nopony's business but hers. I'm sure you don't have plans to kill anypony, but I don't blame you for being paranoid. I know you're worried about protecting me," she said. "You might not have to worry, though. The kind of therapist I'm thinking of is not exactly a licensed psychotherapist."

"Not licensed? What does that mean?" Despite the emotions pulling my brain in seven different directions, curiosity was getting the better of me.

"This person won't report or share anything you tell them, period. If you were planning to kill or rape, they'd do their best to talk you out of it and recommend additional steps to keep it from happening, but I don't think even then that they would follow duty to warn," she said. "If you see them, even the fact that you're seeing them at all is a closely-guarded secret."

My brow knit tightly. "That's... irresponsible, isn't it? And illegal?"

My mother shrugged. "Maybe, and yes. Not illegal for their clients, but illegal for them. I think they understand that when clients vent, they don't necessarily mean everything they say or fantasize about, and they know how important it is for ponies who might not be the best ponies out there—not you or I, necessarily—to be able to talk about things without any fear of judgment or reprisal, or even legal jeopardy," she said. "If you told them that you had high testosterone—which we still don't know, of course—or even if you told them that I was helping you hide that from society, they would never utter a word to anypony. I'm absolutely certain of that. I would even encourage you to tell her, despite what I said earlier about the necessity of it being a secret."

"What? No way! I wouldn't tell her that," I said, rolling my eyes. "I mean, how can you know?"

"Because, Feather... they've been my therapist for twelve years," said Mom, with a slight smile.

I squinted for a moment, then blinked the wetness from my eyes. "Mom, I didn't know you had a therapist."

"Exactly," she said.

It took a moment for the depth of this fact to register. "Wow. Well, I still couldn't trust her—or him, or whoever—with stuff I can't even tell you," I said. "I believe you, but... it would be hard."

"It's okay. You don't need to share details, but even then I know this person will probably be able to help you," she insisted. "And when you meet them, I'm sure you'll understand why I trust them."

I sighed deeply. "I guess if you really think it would help. Don't tell any of my friends, though, okay?"

Mom pulled her lips inward before speaking. "Of course not. But you shouldn't tell your friends about them, either. I hate all these secrets, sweetie, but there's a reason they are unlicensed, and the fact that they do this service is not common knowledge. Most of their clients have no idea who they are."

I thought about asking the identity of this mysterious pony—who for all I knew, wasn't even a pony—but I could tell Mom was holding back intentionally. Instead, a nervous chuckle passed my muzzle. "Eh, what's one more secret at this point?" I said.

Despite the joking attitude, I was desperately hoping this particular secret wouldn't be the last strand of hay to fit on my saddle. My metaphorical spine was already buckling.

Skeedaddle and Rumble showed up a little over an hour later, and Mom and I were pretty cleaned up by then. Mom had already approved the sleepover, including with Skee as an addition.

"Hay guys," I said, answering the door again.

"You look better. Are you guys gonna be okay?" asked Rumble.

I nodded. "We're fine. You can both stay the night, too. Tomorrow's a school day, though, so you should bring your saddlebags and stuff, assuming your parents agree and everything."

"It's still just me and Thunder at home tonight, so I'm obviously in," said Rumble.

"I'm good," said Skeedaddle. "Dad needed convincing, and Mom turned on the charm. The 'yoozh'."

I smiled weakly. "Great to hear. Do you want to come in now?"

"Um, I thought I'd give you and Skeedaddle some time to talk, and I'd come by around dinnertime, maybe at five," said Rumble, nervously rubbing one leg with the other. "I mean, Skee thought, y'know, talking... it might be something you'd want to do. I dunno."

"Yeah, that's probably good, but it won't take that long," I said. "Maybe you can come back at four instead?"

"Maybe four-thirty, just to be safe?" added Skeedaddle. Apparently, he had more to share than I expected.

I nodded. "Sure, or that. I'm glad you two had time to get to know each other. Er, I assume you did, at least."

Rumble grinned. "Yeah, Skee here is pretty cool," he said, swinging a leg around him. "Until today I never knew he could like, talk and stuff."

"Ah, I'm only quiet until I get to know you," he said, but I could see the blush.

How can he be so cute, and so lewd when it comes to sex, yet seem so shy?

"Alright guys. Catch you in an hour or so," said Rumble, and he took off, straight up.

"C'mon in," I said, and Skeedaddle followed me to my room. As we passed Mom's room, I noticed the door was shut. She clearly needed some time to herself.

Skee closed the door behind us. "So, what's been going on? Sorry if I seem a little nervous, but... everything that's been happening to you has kind of sucked, and we're all a little worried about what's going to drop next. Rumble got some info out of you, which is fine, but..." he said, then whispered, "if he finds out Doctor Pastures hurt you the way he did, all Tartarus will break loose. You understand?"

I nodded, somehow suppressing a surge of anger within my barrel. "I'm not telling anypony nothing. Mom knows I was basically raped, though."

Skeedaddle double-facehoofed, sitting on the floor. "Horseshit," he whispered.

"Look, there was no way I could hide this from her! She could see my trauma, Skee. She knew something really bad happened," I said. "She isn't demanding details from me, she isn't forcing me to submit to a mind scan, she isn't calling Foal Protective Services, and she isn't calling a Town Council meeting. This is literally the best-case scenario. That's how bad things suck right now."

"Ugh. I don't know what we're going to do about her," whispered Skeedaddle.

I thought carefully for a moment. "She doesn't like gelding."

"What? You mean... your mom...?"

"Yes, the one who was raped by a bucking stallion. She doesn't think gelding is right. She's even angry about it," I whispered. "She actually swore to me that if I end up with high test, um, testosterone, she'd help me hide it from the doctors so I don't have to take the pills if I don't want to. She's serious. Mom has never lied to me and she has no reason to now."

Skeedaddle slumped forward, exhaling. "This... this is very good news! Oh, thank goodness. There might be a way out of this mess."

"Wait. You mean you're going to tell her?" I asked. I wasn't sure if I should feel relieved, or horrified that I may have gotten my own mother mixed up in this nightmare.

"No, not yet. But she's at least on our side, more or less. Don't tell her you're a ridgling, obviously, but I'll see if the Council wants to test the waters with her," he said. "My mom or Thunderlane will ask them, I mean. I still don't know who they all are."

I shook my head. "I don't think that's gonna be an option, Skee. Rumble might punch Doctor Pastures where his nuts are missing, but my mom will straight up murder him. That isn't even a joke," I said. "Seriously. He'll end up as a red stain smashed beneath her hooves. I don't even care that he's an earth pony and she's a pegasus, she'll find a way to do it. I can totally see her stealing one of Zecora's potions, turning into an earth pony, taking a bunch of tee herself, and crushing his muzzle and cranium into a pulp beneath her bloody hooves."

Skeedaddle leaned back away from me, grimacing. "Sheesh, okay! I didn't need the visuals," he said.

"Sorry. It was actually kind of, uh, cat-arctic."

"Huh? Oh, cathartic. Look, I'm not taking his side, but it's very hard to believe he meant to hurt you, Feather," said Skee.

"He didn't. He just didn't care enough to not hurt me," I said.

Skeedaddle sighed. "Anyway, you don't really know what she'll do when she finds out. After some time, once she learns what's up, she probably won't forgive him, but she'll understand he didn't mean it. The important thing is she'll leave him alone because she'll be trapped in MAD just like the rest of us."

"Mad?"

"Em-ay-dee: mutually assured destruction. Nopony can do anything to anypony else because we're all in the conspiracy together."

"Right. The reason they raped me," I whispered.

Skee closed his eyes tightly. He looked very tired. "I hate this, Feather. I really, really do. If there's something I can do to help you, let me know. I'm trying my best, but I can't un-rape you."

"It's okay," I said, frowning. "It's not your fault. I'm starting to deal with what happened, and I'm not going to be fun to be around because you're one of few ponies I can actually talk to. I'm sorry about that, but I'm starting to realize I have the right to be angry about what happened, so that's what I'm feeling."

Then I wondered if I should tell him about the therapist. I don't want him to stop me from going to see her, because I think Mom was right. I do need this. Besides, I'm not going to tell her anything secret, even if she is a vault. Since there was no chance I'd break "the code" with her, I decided he didn't need to know.

"Feather? You still with me?" asked Skee. Apparently I'd spaced out for a moment.

"Yeah, sorry," I said. "Just... y'know."

A look of apprehension crossed his muzzle. "Look, this might be the worst thing to tell a rape victim—"

"Oh colt," I mumbled. "Not the best opening to your sentence."

He rolled his eyes. "I know. I just think... it may be helpful to try to put it in perspective. I believe what you went through was horrible and wrong, but it was a... botched medical procedure, and they weren't trying to hurt you," he said, almost wincing with the word 'botched'. "They weren't on a power trip. They weren't doing it for self-gratification. They weren't trying to cause you trauma. They thought they were helping you. It was horrible, but it wasn't exactly the same thing."

"You mean I shouldn't be this upset," I said, shutting my eyes tight.

"No, Feather, you should! You have every right to be upset, and hurt, and victimized," he continued. "I just mean you're not obligated to feel like a victim forever. I'm not pretending being a victim is a choice, okay? I'm just saying it's possible you'll be able to rise above this at some point, and no longer feel like you've been permanently damaged by a single, albeit seriously messed up medical mistake."

"I'm sure people told my mom the same thing," I said, shrugging.

Skee frowned. "Feather—please don't hate me for this because I wasn't there for either horrid event, so I don't know the answer—but do you think what you went through is comparable to what your mom went through?"

I was pretty pissed, and I'm sure it showed, because Skee looked super nervous. But I listened to the idea, then I stopped for a moment to think about it.

Should I really be feeling this much trauma? What if what I'm experiencing is partly self-imposed? Maybe I don't have to suffer as much as I've been trying to suffer... Wait. I think I've been trying to suffer. Crap. I don't want to think about this at all right now.

"I... I dunno," I admitted. "I'm afraid to say yes, because that, um, it's not fair to what she went through..."

"You don't want to minimize her suffering, right."

"Minimize, that's a good word for it. But I'm also afraid to say no, because that suggests Mom could suffer less too, if she were 'tougher' about it." I think tears were starting to form. "I don't know anypony tougher than my mom, Skee."

"I'm sorry for bringing it up, guy. I just don't want to see you suffer all the time... partly because I feel guilty for what happened," he said, placing a hoof gently on my shoulder. "We don't need to talk about it now. I just wanted to plant that seed."

I cocked my head. "What seed?"

"The idea that it's okay not to feel terrible all the time. This is something you may be able to move past someday," he said. "I say that to empower you, not to discount your trauma."

"I guess that's a good idea. I appreciate that," I said. "Honestly, I'm feeling pretty okay at the moment, at least compared to the past couple of days. The more I realize that they didn't want to hurt me, the less it stings—not that that absolves them of anything they did to me, but it still means something. I'll try to keep my mind off it for now."

Skeedaddle nodded, then stood up and took a seat on my bed. His eyes widened before I realized what he'd just done. "Whoa!" he said, turning to look at my semen splattered all over the covers. He looked back at me with a grin. "Nice load!"

I'm sure the horror was clear on my face. "Oh, gross, I... Mom must not have handled it because she was dealing with... with the stuff we talked about," I said. "Skee, don't sit on that."

He smiled and blushed. "Why not? I kinda like it. Your emission smells nice, too."

"Eww. Skeedaddle, why are you so gross? Is it the balls?" I whispered, opting to remain seated on the floor.

"I dunno, maybe," he said, and shrugged, as his penis dropped out and firmed up right there on the bed, bobbing in the air in front of me. His voice fell to a whisper and he said, "I just like sex a lot. It feels amazing, yeah, but it's much, much more than just the euphoria! It's inspiring to your imagination. You can make yourself find joy in weird ideas and places you never could have dreamed. Like, I keep collecting new kinks and perversions, and it's so much fun! And romance is even better, because it helps you feel closer to somepony. I don't think there's any way to be closer... it really is like two ponies becoming one together, both in body and soul. Hope that sentiment isn't too mushy."

"I kind of like the mushy stuff. It's the gross things that weird me out," I said. "Skee, I don't get how you're so shy all the time, but you can just, sit in my gross emission and talk about sex with your friends and belly-slapping off and stuff, like it's the most normal thing in the world."

He smiled warmly. "Dude. It is the most normal thing in the world! Being a stallion is the best, and being a mare is great too. Mares get turned on differently from stallions, but you can make them sing like a canary if you know how," he said. "Geldings get the short end of the stick. They're like mares with the sex drive, but their parts barely work because they've been mutilated, and they have even more problems with stimulation."

His penis was sticking up at an angle now, and the tip glistened like the oily stuff was coming out. "Okay, wait a minute. Mom could walk in at any time. My door doesn't have a lock," I told him, pointing gingerly at his thing.

"Have you asked her for one? I'll bet she'd agree to it," he said, falling back down onto all fours. His erection would be less obvious to Mom from here, but with me seated on the floor, now it was practically right in my face. I was certain he'd planned this. I could see it pulse. I couldn't tear my eyes away from it.

It's beautiful. It's not enormous like Thunder's, but it's bigger than mine. I think I can even smell it, which is so gross, except there's something comfortingly familiar about the odor? Huh. I'll bet it's still small enough I could stuff the whole thing in my muzzle, if I were weird like that... or I could even fit it up my... my...

"Psst, feather," Skee said, snapping me out of my reverie. He was smiling gently down at me. His cock slapped once against his belly, clearly by command. It made an oddly satisfying spanky sound.

I nearly jumped out of my pelt. "W-what?"

"You're out too! Might want to stand up," he said, grinning. "Maybe we should head to the bathroom to, y'know, handle our mutual problem before Rumble gets here."

I looked down and saw I was erect. "This is impossible! I just... I literally just did that awful thing," I said, pointing at the bed as I stood up.

"You're young and new to hormones, guy. It's normal. It'll take a while for you to get control over it, but you have to practice or it's always going to be controlling you," he said. "Plus, you like what you see under my barrel, right? It's okay. Stallions are beautiful. It's good to be able to enjoy it."

I'm sure I was blushing. "Nuts! I need to do my sheets before Rumble gets here."

"We've got like, an hour before he gets back. Let me help you with that first, please? I promise you won't be sorry," said Skee. He had the most gentle smile on his face I've ever seen on a colt, and it was doing something to me. I couldn't make myself resheathe.

Why does he have to be so damn cute? Is this what fillies feel when they look at a colt? Am I turning into a filly?

I shook off the strange feeling. "No, we can't. There's nowhere safe, and I'm not interested anyway because it's gross."

"We could go in the bathroom, or you could ask your mom for some privacy," he replied. "Go ask her. At least have her take care of the sheets."

"Skee, I just did that thing on the bed. If I do it with you, that won't help either!"

He grinned. "Oh, it will, because it will be even better."