Geldings

I lay down on the couch and took a nap as Thunderlane cleaned up. Apparently Rumble was less tired than he'd thought, because I was only out maybe half an hour before he was the one waking me up.

"Hay, wake up, bud! Naptime's over," said Rumble, shaking me on the couch until I moved my legs. "You wanna go flying some today?"

"Gimme a sec," I said, stretching. I felt fatigued from the medication, but my skin was buzzing with pleasure. "I guess I could. I've been ground-bound for too long. I'm pretty dizzy from the meds, though, so nothing fancy, okay?"

Rumble grinned. "Sure! It'll just be nice to be up in the air with you for once." I smiled back, warmed by what a good friend he is. No, wait, that was probably the drugs.

"I'll run Feather's stuff back to his house so you don't have to worry about it," said Thunderlane. "You two have fun, okay?" His smile looked genuine to me, but I didn't think he was trying to appease me or anything. Thunderlane's a nice guy in general, regardless as to what happened last night.

So Rumble and I left his house and took to the air. He let me lead, which was good because I was really rusty. I had only done a few hovers in my room since the surgery, and I prefer to walk rather than fly most of the time anyway because it's polite to walk in an earth pony village.

I started out low. Rumble and I chased each other in circles in his front yard, laughing, and then I led him up just above the houses. I could see Pinkie Pie bouncing from rooftop to rooftop in the distance, for some reason (though I suppose Pinkie doesn't need a reason).

"You wanna go higher?" asked Rumble, swinging beside me as I flew at a lazy pace. I could tell he was itching for adventure more than I was, but I wanted him to scratch that itch.

"Race you to that cloud!" I said, pointing to a small cumulus about three hundred hooves up. I immediately shot upward to take him by surprise, but Rumble quickly passed me. I have the ability to lift very quickly owing to my weight, but Rumble is muscular for his age and very competitive. I think he'll be a Wonderbolt someday, just like his brother.

Rumble glided to the right as we came up to the cloud, then appeared to stall. "Oops!" he said, floundering for a second as he flipped upside down. I laughed and pushed through the soft cloud-fluff by suppressing my cloudhoof.

Rumble went around the cloud from below and landed on it next to me. "Fine, you win this one," he said with obvious mock envy.

"You cheater!" I replied, poking him in the ribs.

"Cheater? You're the one who won," he pointed out, sticking out his tongue. I gave him a serious look, and he rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine, I let you win. But it's not exactly fair! I've got Wonderbolt genes. I think you do too, though. If you trained at all you could be almost as good as me!"

I laughed. "I dunno about that. I get good lift, but it's harder for me to drop. It's like my body wants to float."

"Yeah, you're a natural glider. You can get around that with body posture, but, um... since we're alone, there's something I wanted to ask you about," he said. His voice grew unusually soft, and I felt the feathers at the base of my wings prick up. I hate waiting for the horseshoe to drop, and my experiences of the past few days meant nothing felt safe anymore, not even talking to my best bud.

"Y-yeah?" I said, and swallowed a mouthful of air.

"Dude, it's fine. Don't freak out. I just, I w-wanna..." said Rumble, and I could tell he was the one freaking out. "I want to know something personal."

Please, please don't be about the gelding, I thought. I don't want to lie to my best friend, especially not when he's like this.

"Sure. If I can tell you, I'll tell you," I said. "I don't like keeping secrets from my bestie."

He nodded. "Is... is Thunder, like... your coltfriend?"

My jaw dropped. "I, w-what?"

Rumble grimaced. "I didn't just listen in this morning. I listened to you last night," he admitted. "I know it was really wrong, I know I wasn't respecting your privacy, and I swear I'm sorry! Please don't be mad. Please don't tell him I did it... horse apples I wish I'd been good instead of bad. I wish I could pretend I didn't hear it, but it's eating me up inside. That's why I had to listen in the morning..."

It was cool up here today, high above Ponyville. Still, I could feel beads of perspiration forming on my forehead. I couldn't remember precisely what we said or did last night, and I didn't want to remember, either. I paused for a moment before responding.

"What did you hear?" I finally asked him. There was no way he'd heard all of it, because he'd know we were stallions... and I doubted this would be his first question if he'd heard that much.

"Just tell me, dude. Please." I could see desperation in his eyes.

I bit my lip. "No, of course he's not like that... but... what did you hear?"

Rumble sighed. "He said... he said you were going to 'love it' when something happened to you, and then you said you didn't want to, and then... then he said he wished he could share it with me, but I'd never know what it was like," he said, closing his eyes. "I guess he meant being gay? I went back to bed then, but I didn't get to sleep for a while. In the morning I heard him saying there was no excuse for what he did, but you seemed cool with it... and you said you were... raped. And he knew what you meant, and... and I don't know what happened to you, and..." Rumble covered his face with his hooves and began to sniffle.

"Oh no. It's okay," I said, and I pulled him into a hug. "I don't want you to hurt."

At the time I thought I was just being a friend, but in retrospect, I was more worried about Rumble's emotional state than my own. My actions weren't very rational. I was, like, 'a projector' or something, I think the shrinks call it. I couldn't comfort myself, so I comforted him instead. It helped us both, though.

"It wasn't him, was it? It couldn't be! Just tell me it wasn't him!" said Rumble, sobbing.

"What? No, Rumble! I... look, I don't remember exactly what was said, but it was the geld. He was talking about my geld. They did it without Mom being there, not even the fake Mom that took me there, and they forced me to do it even though I fought it. I begged them to slow down a little, but they didn't, and they didn't medicate me until after my brain had totally snapped," I said, trying to lie as little as possible. "I was just lying there motionless and letting it happen because I didn't want to let Mom down, but I was real messed up inside and they knew it and they didn't medicate me because... because they made a mistake. A really, really bad mistake. They didn't tell Mom any of that because they're super afraid of getting in trouble after finding out she wasn't the one who brought me, and also just because of how horrible what they did was, and I don't want her to know because it would hurt her too much."

I was grateful we were still embracing, because I wouldn't have been able to handle looking my friend in the eye as I revealed what I'd been through, even if it wasn't a hundred percent true. I wasn't crying, but it was only the drugs holding it back. Though I guess being able to comfort Rumble helped with that, too.

He pulled back and wiped his eyes again with a fetlock, sniffling. "Buck... I don't understand why this happened! It isn't fair, Feather. If Bro knows, why isn't he telling your mom for you?" he asked. "You don't deserve—"

"I don't want her to know, Rumble!" I whispered, but with the energy of a shout so he'd take the hint to keep his voice down. "Thunder wasn't exaggerating when he called it rape. It was almost that bad. They did a very bad thing to me, but they weren't trying to hurt me. But my Mom was raped, for real. If she knew something like that happened to me, she'd lose her mind."

Rumble gritted his teeth. "The ponies who did this need to pay for what they did to you," he said. "Especially since they're hiding this from your Mom! You know this is wrong, Feather."

"They feel guilty, and they weren't trying to hurt me. It's unlikely this will ever happen to another colt," I said. "I agree they probably deserve to be punished, but I feel like it's my fault for not wanting to be gelded, and I'm still hurting inside even though I know it's not really my fault."

Just then, I realized when I said, "I know it's not really my fault," that I was lying. I mean, I knew if any sane pony saw what happened to me that's what they'd say, but I still felt a heavy guilt saddling me. I knew I had a lot to work out. I knew I needed therapy, but I'd never be able to get it.

"I'm sorry. Please don't cry," said Rumble.

"Oh. I didn't realize I was," I said, and wiped my eyes. "It's just... it's really rough. Please, please don't tell anypony."

Rumble closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. "I'm... I'm just so angry. You should be angry too, Featherweight. Nopony should treat a colt like that, not even if you were a bad pony, and you're not a bad pony."

It was so strange. I knew what he was saying was true, but it still didn't feel true. I was learning that knowing and feeling are very different things. "I guess," I said, and shrugged. "But that's why we were so quiet. I've only been able to open up to a couple of ponies who knew what a bad geld was like."

"Did... did this happen to my brother? Did it happen to Skeedaddle?" asked Rumble.

I shook my head. "No. Not the way it happened to me. It was rough for them, but it wasn't nearly that rough. But I still feel a little safer talking to them, and they won't tell anypony."

"I don't like this, dude. I really don't. But... I won't tell, either. Okay?" he said, looking into my eyes with his bleary, red ones. I was pretty sure my eyes looked fine despite shedding a few tears. "You don't have to worry about me."

"Thanks. It means a lot to me," I said. "And look, I think you can tell I'm holding back, so I'll admit there's more details and stuff I don't wanna talk about. Maybe someday I'll be able to share it, but you just being here and caring about me... it means everything."

He gave me another hug. "Always," he said. I held him back, gripping tighter than I'd intended. We held each other until it became awkward, and then he pulled back and I let him go. "But, um... I need to ask one thing, and you don't gotta answer, but it's something I really need..."

"Sure, go ahead," I said.

"I know my brother was apologizing for doing something to you after the... what happened, and you said he stopped so it was okay. I'll never tell, I swear, but you're really honest that you weren't doing... y'know, stuff, with him?" he asked. "I mean, I know there's nothing wrong with being gay or whatever. I just thought Thunder liked fillies."

I took a deep breath. What could I say? "We cuddled a little in bed, and it got awkward. We didn't do sex or anything," I said. "I mean, I don't know how stall—I mean, geldings do it, but that's all that happened. I don't think it was gay, it was more like, emotional? I needed somepony to love me real bad, and he, um, he felt like he was taking advantage of that or something, so he left and slept on the couch instead. Because he's a good guy. But nothing happened, and I don't think he's gay, and I don't think... I don't know if I'm gay or anything."

"Oh. Well, that's fine," said Rumble, with a shrug. "I understand the rape thing, but I don't get why you had to be secret about the other thing."

"Rumble, you can't tell anypony about that. Thunderlane would get drummed out of the Wonderbolts! And maybe even go to prison..." I said.

"What? Gay stuff isn't illegal, Feather," he said. "There are several gay 'Bolts already. Or, maybe, um, 'bi', or whatever."

I blinked a few times. "Rumble. I'm twelve years old."

Rumble looked confused. "Yeah, and I'm eleven. What do you mean?"

"I mean it's super-illegal for an adult and a foal to be special someponies! Even cuddling with somepony who isn't your family could get him in trouble," I said.

"You are an adult now, dummy," he said, turning around on the cloud to point at his scar. "Me too."

I facehoofed. "It doesn't work that way, you have to either be seventeen or within four years of each other. Wow. I'm surprised you didn't know this," I said. "How did you not know that? Did you think fillies and colts start having sex as soon as they enter heat or get gelded? Oh geez, I hope you haven't been flirting with mares."

"I fell asleep that day in class, I guess? Lay off," he said, frowning. "And no, of course I haven't flirted with mares. I haven't flirted with anypony! Special someponies are gross."

"Okay, okay. Sorry. I just meant... well, anyway, it's extremely illegal, so you need to be careful if an adult tries to, uh, seduce you, or whatever," I said.

"Ugh. I know that much," said Rumble. "I just didn't know the age thing. Or that it was like, that illegal. I don't think Bro would get in trouble from just what you said happened, right?"

I raised my eyebrows. "He might. I don't think you'd ever want it to look like you're coming on to a foal," I said. "But no, he didn't do anything bad to me, and when he realized we were too close, he left. So it's not something he should get in trouble for, but it's better not to risk it."

Rumble breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay, good. Sheesh. It's not like we even need those stupid laws anymore. Ponies are civilized. We have geldings, not stallions. Geldings almost never do stuff like that! We should give geldings the benefit of the doubt."

I felt a sharp tension building in my neck. "I guess... they probably do. And obviously I would tell the truth about him, so he's not in any trouble. I'm just overreacting a little."

"Oh, right. After what they did to you," he growled. "You probably don't feel like trusting anypony."

"Yeah," I said. "I trust you, though, and I... I guess I trust Thunder."

Rumble nodded, then spent a moment picking at our little cloud with a forehoof. "So, um, you're sure you're not, y'know?"

It took a moment before the light came on. "Oh. Gay? I... I dunno. I don't think I'm ace, at least. I think I like fillies, but I dunno about colts yet, so I guess I could be bi or something. It's just not something I want to think about right now."

His eyes widened. "Oh, oh shoot. I'm sorry, Feather. I just... I don't know about myself, either, y'know? And I don't like fillies or colts, but I've been thinking about it since the geld. I don't even know how I'd know, but I guess you just know when you know," he said. "Look, um, I don't think I'm gonna like colts, but as long as you keep it secret, if you ever wanted to try... I'd do it for you. I mean, even if I don't like it at all, I'd try to help you out. You're my best friend, Featherweight."

I paused to let that sink in. My best bud just offered to 'do stuff' with me even though he isn't gay. Or... maybe he is gay? Maybe this is how he's coming out to me, because he's embarrassed?

I wanted to kiss him. I didn't understand why, but I wanted to bring him into the fold, to experience the good parts of being a stallion, without the bad. We could still share love, even if he's just a gelding... right?

I wasn't horny, but my penis started to drop. A chill ran right down my spine. The fear was so palpable, it stopped me short, and so I retracted into my sheath. (My penis retracted, I mean, but I was starting to feel like that thing between my legs was what I was becoming.)

"I... look, forget I said anything, I didn't mean to..." said Rumble, wincing.

"No, no, it's cool!" I said. "It feels good to know you care about me that much, Rumble. But with what I just went through... I don't really want to do sex with anypony. Even just kissing."

But deep inside, that weird temptation was still there. Do it now. Kiss him. Do that disgusting thing Snails told you about where you put the tongue in, I heard echoing in the back of my mind. You'll grow even closer. He'll love it, and he'll love you. You need to be loved. Make him love you.

At first I thought it was my balls making me think sick stuff, but that didn't make any sense. I wasn't horny for Rumble at all, which is why it was so easy to resist. So then, what was it? If it's not my balls telling me this, and kissing him still seems super gross... how come I've never felt this way before? Am I just, really damaged inside, after everything that happened the other day? My thoughts were all jumbled and confusing.

"Right, right, cool," said Rumble, bringing my attention back to reality. He looked relieved at my answer, then he turned and stared over the edge of the cloud. For a moment I thought I saw him blush, but I decided it must have been the bright light from Celestia's Sun. "Oh! Race you to the ground!" he shouted with a goofy grin, then leaped off the cloud before things could get awkward.

I'm not sure how I managed to keep up with him, but I was right on his butt the whole way down.

To my horror, I noticed Rumble has a really cute butt.

For a colt, I mean.

We flew around some more, then after a while we parted ways so I could have some alone time. My wings were exhausted since I hadn't been stretching them enough, and I was looking forward to a nap.

When I got home, Mom was making a casserole, so I knew it'd be a few hours before dinner.

"Hay Mom," I said, stepping into the kitchen.

"Hello sweetie," said Mom. "I had a nice lunch with your teacher today." She put down what she was doing and hugged me tighter than a boa constrictor. Fortunately, she let go before I ran out of breath.

"Ow, my ribs. I guess you missed me?" I said, rubbing my sides.

"Feather, I need you to promise me something," she said, kneeling down to look me eye-to-eye on the level. "I've been so concerned about what you've been through that I don't think I've been clear about this. Don't you ever do anything crazy like that again. Please. You could have been hurt by that mare, or worse."

I nodded. "You don't have to tell me twice. I know it was a huge mistake." More than you even know, Mom.

She sighed, and I could tell from the look on her face it was still chipping away at her from within. "Did you have a good time at Rumble's?"

I nodded. "Yeah, it was great. He's a good friend," I said. "Thunderlane's pretty swell too." It wasn't a lie, but I still had some mixed feelings about Thunder.

Then I started thinking about his penis, and I spaced out while Mom was saying something to me.

"Baby? You still with me?" she asked, standing back up.

"Oh, um, sorry. It's just... I'm still dealing with stuff," I said, then closed my eyes. Oh gosh. I don't want to ask my Mom, but she's the only one I can trust who knows this stuff... "Mom, um... could I ask you something? Like... something kinda gross?" I lowered my head shyly.

She nodded and half-smiled. "Of course, Son. You can always ask me anything, you know that."

"I understand how mating works because they talk about reproduction in class, but... I don't really know anything else about sex," I said. "The older colts talk about it but I don't usually hang out with them, and I wouldn't trust most of them about this anyway."

"Oh, is that all. Well, have a seat," she said, pointing to a chair at the dining table. Then she sat down beside me. "What do you want to know?"

I squinted. "Um, well... what is sex, I guess? Other than, er, reproduction stuff."

"Sure. Sex is difficult to define because it's different things to different ponies. It fills multiple needs: reproduction, emotional attachment, sexual pleasure, and psychological catharsis," she explained.

"What's catharsis?" I asked.

"I... don't know the exact definition off the top of my head, but a catharsis is something that makes you feel better about or helps you overcome a psychological problem, basically. A lot of the weirder things ponies do sexually, like wearing tack and saddles, they do because it makes them feel better about themselves," she said.

My eyes widened so much I'm surprised they didn't fall out of my head. "Wait, that's what saddles are for?"

Mom actually blushed at that. "There are some rare military uses, and I suppose a foal, or maybe Spike the dragon could ride on one," she said. "But saddles and underwear are... risque, to be sure."

"Rarity sells both of those," I pointed out. "Oh wow. Um, but, you were saying about the weird stuff?"

"Right. You see, you have to be able to relax to enjoy sex, so whatever makes you feel comfortable with yourself is what you'll like to do. I should probably get you a book or two on sex from Twilight's Royal Library," she continued. "Emotional attachment is the fact that sex is intimate, and it helps you feel close to somepony and to develop a bond where you feel comfortable sharing part of your life. It's very similar to a family bond."

"Oh, I get it. So... those things are why ponies can do sex when they're not horny. Er, that was a word I heard Thunderlane use once," I said. "I asked him a couple of things, but nothing like this. I guess it doesn't just mean for unicorns."

Mom chuckled. "No, it just means you're sexually aroused. And that's a normal thing, even for geldings. But as a gelding, you won't have to deal with constant arousal. You have the ability to turn on and turn off your sex drive," she said. "A stallion is less fortunate. Stallions were horny much of the time, especially when young. They would need to masturbate multiple times per day just to function."

A look of terror must have crossed my face. I could see it in Mom's eyes. "I, um... that's pretty awful," I said, then took a short breath. "And sexual pleasure is what makes you horny, and it's also what makes you jackle-ate too?"

"Well... more or less, yes. Though being horny can go away if you relax and engage in other activities. Again, it's much harder for stallions," she said, staring intently into my eyes for a moment. "What else do you want to know, Son?"

"I guess, um, what makes you horny? Oh—not you, I mean! I mean, somepony in general," I said, blushing. "Like, how do you do sex at all? Like, I know mating, but adults kiss and use their tongues, and there's got to be a way, like, two geldings do it. Or two mares, if they're gay and stuff." I was staring at the floor at this point, embarrassed and afraid to look into my mother's eyes.

I heard her take a deep breath. "Well, there are many things that turn ponies on. Sometimes the cathartic things I mentioned make ponies horny just because they associate them with sex. But as for general things, any contact with the genitals, or the teats on a mare, or the—"

"Stop!" I said, looking back up. "I, uh, sorry. I'm too embarrassed."

She nodded and bit at her lip. "Maybe we can go over this on another day, then. Or I can get you a book..."

I shook my head. "I just, I just can't talk about it, out loud. Could you, um, write down some of the stuff? Both the straight stuff and the gay stuff. I don't think I'm gay or anything—"

"And there would be nothing wrong if you were, Featherweight. Being gay is not a vice. You know that, don't you?" she asked.

I nodded quickly and averted my eyes again. "Right, I know, I'm just... I don't really like fillies much or colts at all yet, but I still wanna know about it."

"Well, it can take a little longer for a gelding to figure out their feelings than it can for a filly. You have all the time in the world to discover things about yourself, honey," she said in a voice so soothing, it actually lowered my awful anxiety. "I'll write down some of the basics, and then you can take it to your room and read it. Okay?"

After I agreed to her terms, I retreated to my room and shut the door. I felt so nervous lying on my bed it was like ants were crawling all over my pelt. My heart was racing. Am I horny? I was pretty sure I wasn't, but I knew all this talk about sex could make me drop in a heartbeat.

If she tells me what colts do together, will I start thinking about Thunderlane that way? Will my filthy body betray me yet again?

It felt like she was taking forever. Finally, there was one solid rap on my door, and the sound of paper sliding. I hopped out of bed and picked up the single sheet Mom had pushed under the door. It had writing on both sides, and read:

Most sex involves contact between erogenous zones. These are parts of a pony's body that can stimulate sexual pleasure, including genital and anal regions, teats, the alula of the wing, a unicorn's horn, the mouth, and the hooves (especially for earth ponies). Any contact with an erogenous zone may be considered sex, as can observing or listening to another pony or ponies engaging in sex.

Vaginal intercourse, or coitus, is what ponies usually mean by sex: penis into vagina, as you've been taught in school. Oral sex is also common, which involves one pony putting their mouth on or around the genital area of another pony and stimulating it with the mouth, and this works no matter whether the giver or receiver is a mare or gelding. Anal sex is copulation by putting a penis into the rectum of another pony. Both gay male and straight ponies can do this. And naturally, anything can be stimulated with the hooves.

I'd never felt my heart pound so fast before. I dropped the paper on the floor, my mind racing with disgusting images. Anal sex seemed super-gross, but... putting your mouth on a filly? Or a colt? It was sick, obviously, but...

What does it smell like? What does it taste like? Does it taste like pee?

I knew my penis could smell strange if I hadn't taken a bath in a couple of days, so it seemed gross, but I imagined it filling my mouth, and another thought hit me: what does the goo taste like? Thinking back, it had a distinct smell. I was horrified every time I smelled it, but... it wasn't a bad smell at all.

What if it gets in your mouth? Is it dangerous? Do mares squirt anything like geldings and stallions?

I looked between my legs, and realized I'd slipped out at some point. Now I was hard as a rock. It was bobbing and dribbling something. I figured it was the lubricant stuff I'd learned about in school, because I was pretty sure I wasn't peeing. I tapped my hoof to it and tasted. It was kind of nutty, and rather nice. It was way too far away to reach with my mouth, but I imagined what it would be like if I could...

Oh no. This is sick! I started to panic and jumped into bed. Maybe I can sleep it off, I thought. The covers came over the top of me, and I felt my penis twitching against them. Instinctively, I bucked my hips slightly and closed my eyes.

I saw Rumble.

I felt my blood go cold, but it didn't stop the erection. Rumble smiled and turned around and lifted his tail. Instead of a geld, he had a filly's parts: teats and a vulva. They glistened like they were wet, and I could see a little pink button at the bottom, and I pressed my face into it and the world exploded like a bomb the size of the Moon had gone off.

I gasped for breath, not realizing what had happened at first. I hadn't even touched it! The covers pressing back had been enough, apparently. My pelt was covered in goo, and it was slathered all across the inside of the sheets.

A deep shame overpowered me. I remembered somepony telling me that I had to fight the shame feeling, but I couldn't remember—was it Skeedaddle? I tried to fight it, but it hurt. And it felt good at the same time, which only made it hurt more. I closed my eyes and cried a few tears, then I felt my heart unclench and it wasn't so bad anymore. It felt nice, and this was normal, right?

Except the thoughts weren't normal. Not Rumble, anypony but him! But I didn't have control over my thoughts. Even my own thoughts were imprisoned by my testicles. If only I were a gelding, I'd be able to control my mind. A gelding can wait until he's ready for something like this before he does it.

"My burden," I whispered, deciding this was a penance I deserved to pay. That helped a lot. It almost felt like I'd just taken a pain pill as the pleasure continued to tickle me from within. The gross wetness made me lift up the covers, and I gritted my teeth in anger at what I'd done. Mom would find this. I grabbed some tissues and wiped up as much as I could off of my body, then the covers. More dripped out of my penis onto the floor, so I cleaned that too. Some of the tissues stuck to my penis and I had to use a hoof and spit to remove the bits before I could let it slip back in, and it still wasn't totally clean, but I'd have to exit my room to go to the bathroom so I couldn't take chances.

I left my room. Mom wasn't there, so I went into the bathroom and washed myself off more thoroughly. There was no way I'd be able to wash my sheets without her knowing, so I went into her bedroom where I found her sitting in her easy chair.

"M-mom, I, um... I think I need to wash..." I said. My voice croaked.

"It's okay, honey. I can wash your sheets," she said. "I can wash them every day until you turn seventeen if I have to, or longer if you stay with me, though hopefully by that point you'll start doing that as part of your chores."

I stood there, stunned. "How... how did you?"

She smiled and stood up. "There's nothing wrong with it, and it's natural that you'd have feelings after learning about sex."

"Geldings aren't supposed to do this," I whispered. Oh, I ached to tell her, but I couldn't. Not only for her sake, but for Thunderlane and Skeedaddle and Snips. Maybe they should be exposed. Maybe that's right. But I won't let my weakness upend their lives. Nopony else should suffer for my decisions.

Mom leaned down and hugged me. "Feather, listen to me," she said, pulling back so she could look me in the eye. I was barely able to make eye contact. "Geldings get horny and have erections and ejaculate, just not as much as stallions do."

"But what if it happens too much?" I said.

"I have a strong suspicion that... you may have a high testosterone level, even after being gelded. That's normal right after gelding, but in rare cases it can persist," she said. "It's not only your testicles that make testosterone, the rest of your body does too. If you have too much testosterone, then the doctors are required by law to lower it, by making you take pills."

For a moment, I paused in thought. What if I go to another doctor, other than Doctor Pastures? What if I tell her I have a high testosterone level? Maybe she'll give me something to quiet my testicles without knowing what I did, I reasoned. No, I can't risk it, because she'll check my geld! But maybe I can convince Doctor Pastures to lower it, even if he refuses to geld me for real...

"It may not matter, though. I won't be telling the doctors about your emissions," said Mom.

I furrowed my brow in confusion. "What? Why not?" I asked.

"Because I don't think you should have been gelded in the first place, and I don't care what the rest of society thinks," she said, the features of her face hardening. "If you want to see the doctor, you can. If not, you don't have to. At some point you'll probably get tested, and they'll make you take the drugs, but if you don't want to take them I'll help you hide that too."

I had no response. But for the first time in two weeks, I felt safe.