Dr Whooves Becomes A Meth Cook

Gawping, Twilight froze as her mind tried to comprehend the sight before her. Behind the unicorn, Dr Whooves crashed through the doors and closed them behind him. Too preoccupied to notice his companion's wonder, he facehoofed as Derpy began to knock on the door and shout.

"Okay, Doctor, think like you've never thought before." He said and squeezed his head with his hooves.

1. Let Derpy in and explain everything. Pros: Honesty is good. Cons: Will probably be followed by divorce.

2. Take off in the TARDIS. Pros: Will not have to face Derpy right now. Cons: Will break Derpy's heart.

3. Do nothing. Pros: Will not break Derpy's heart. Cons: Would get real bored real quick.

"Doctor Whooves?" Twilight asked, interrupting his train of thought. He glanced at her and realised his mistake.

"Ah yes! Bigger on the inside! Completely alien to your world! Capable of travelling to any place in any time... provided I can find out a way to explain it to my wife... after all, I did promise not to..." he slapped his sonic screwdriver against his head. Think-think-think!

Twilight pondered for a second as well. "Can the takeoff be timed?"

"Hmm?"
"Well, if you could time it, then you could go out and tell her that we stole it and meet us up later at the Library." The unicorn explained.

Doctor Whooves' eyes snapped open and he kissed Twilight on the head, making the unicorn blush heavily despite her resentment towards the Earth pony. "Twilight Sparkle, you're a certified genius!" He hopped to the controls and typed in a set of coordinates. "So sorry I'll miss your first flight, must dash!"

Outside, a worried Derpy had just about found her old TARDIS key when her husband climbed out of the ship. "Timey! What the hay is going on?!"

Whooves opened his mouth, but a word didn't come out as it just now occurred to him that he'd forgotten to come up with a good lie. He'd been spending so much time with all these lovely friendly ponies that he'd gotten rusty at shady Time Lordness. "I, uh... thought I heard something in the TARDIS."

The pegasus crossed her hooves and deadpanned him as hard as she could with her one good eye. "Uh huh."

Behind them, the TARDIS began to groan and fade out of existence. Whooves shrugged. "Aaaand now it's going." Derpy ran around him to try and hold the box in a futile gesture. Her pupils widened. "How do we get it back?! How could anypony else drive the TARDIS?!"

"Oh, I don't think retrieving it will be much of a problem." said Doctor Whooves. "Your universe, unlike mine, is hardly infinite. In fact, it consists of a single world. Which means that all we really have to do is warn the princess about temporal anomalies. I can get right on that! And as for who, well, we'd better find it first, hmm? Don't worry."

He hugged her with his forelegs, and the grey pegasus sighed in relief. "Now, the best thing we can do right now, is get back into bed. I'll get a train to Canterlot first thing tomorrow and we'll get this ghastly business sorted out." Feeling her nod, he smiled. He loved nothing more than to make her happy. And as he laid down in bed, Whooves patted himself on the back for his extra ingenuity in adding a temporal factor to the TARDIS's takeoff. It wouldn't arrive in Twilight's tree house until next morning, giving him plenty of time to both plan ahead... and enjoy the night with his wife.

It was a dawn like any other dawn. Doctor Whooves, refusing to let life drag him down in the slightest bit, irreverently spent the first few hours of light putting on a pretty new tie and collar, recalibrating his sonic screwdriver and making breakfast for Derpy and Dinky. The latter wasn't exactly his finest skill(he usually preferred eating whatever delights were available on the planet he was visiting, or using the TARDIS's food machine), but he figured he owed them a little comfort after the recent ordeals.

That done, he trotted out into the quietly awakening Ponyville, enjoying the morning mist. Soon enough, he'd made his way to Twilight Sparkle's lovely tree house, and pointed the sonic at the lock, which didn't react. "Oh, not wood again." he rolled his eyes. As much as he despised Daleks, their doors were to die for. Just wave your hoof at the sensor and it swivels open. Perfection.

Grumbling to himself, the Doctor changed the setting on the sonic and used it on the lock again, this time causing a small flame to erupt from it. Having burned through the lock, Whooves slipped in before anyone could see him. As if on cue, the TARDIS materialised(now back in its proper upright position). Almost immediately, its doors opened and Twilight peeked out.

"Hi!" Doctor Whooves waved, and she squeaked and shut the door again. The next time it opened, Spike was looking at him with an incredulous expression. "Earth ponies can't teleport! How did you get here? And how come it's light outside?"

"It's a time machine..." Twilight's voice said weakly behind him.

Spike went slackjawed. "It's so weird... it was dark, and now it's light! Dark... light! Dark, light!" As the little dragon wrapped his head around that one, Whooves stepped back into his ship, where Twilight was very slightly hyperventilating on the console.

"Miss Sparkle?"

"Mmm?"

"I'd like to take this oppurtunity to apologise for my un-gentlecoltly behaviour." Doctor Whooves said, catching the purple unicorn off guard yet again. She turned around slowly and simply stared at her, waiting for the next insane thing to come out of his mouth. "It was rather impolite of me to blackmail you to help me steal my own property."

"You have experience with these things, don't you?" Twilight said, though not in an accusing tone. It was more of a statement of fact. "You're not afraid at all to break the law... spoken or unspoken."

Whooves kept his expression neutral. "No. You saw my ship. You should know what I am by now. I'm not from Equestria. Or any other place you'd know. The only laws binding me are my own." Suddenly, a manic grin took over his face. "Luckily, I'm a rather jolly fella if I do say so myself." He patted Twilight on the shoulder. "No more distractions! In about an hour, we'll go out, follow Rarity to whereever she's supposed to meet the fillies and hand over the meth on our terms. Until we can work out an agreement, the fillies have to stay somewhere hidden, far from Ponyville, courtesy of the TARDIS. Spike, get them out here!"

The Earth pony's commanding voice was so powerful that the dragon nearly saluted. He ran off to the basement and dragged the aggressive trio out with rope.

"Ahh, our three little drug dealers." Doctor Whooves smirked. "I've got a little trip planned for us that might just get you your cutie marks!"

Immediately, they stopped resisting and perked up.

Applebloom raised an eyebrow as she and her friends explored a cave full of shining blue gemstones. "How come we've never heard of a place this fancy?"

"Well, according to my instruments, we're deep underground. The fluorescent gemstones are very similar to those found on Metebelis III, as a matter of fact, with exceptionally strong telepathic properties. If those don't help you figure out what your cutie marks are, nothing will." He waved them. "Okay, byeeeeeeee!"

The three fillies turned around and cried out in unison as the TARDIS took off without warning.

"Not to worry! Since we are in a time machine, we can go pick them a split second after departure! I've got it all under control!" Doctor Whooves said as he was operating the console, though Twilight couldn't help, but notice that he was sweating.

Spike facepalmed and turned to Twilight. "He's starting to remind me of you."
The purple unicorn gasped. "I would never leave the fillies unattended like that. Even if it is for a split second!"

"Technically, you just did." Spike pointed out. "And so did I... we're foalnappers! Curse you, Doctor Whooves! Curse youuuuuu!"

"Wouldn't be the first time..." Whooves mumbled. "Anyway, here's my plan: we confront Rarity, give her the meth, tell her that from now on, we want to work with her directly and avoid the fillies since they're... you know, fillies. If she agrees, we bring them back and they'll tell their parents... whatever it is they'll tell them. We wrap this whole incident up nicely and move on. Everybody onboard with that?"

Spike and Twilight looked at one another. "Work with her directly?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.

"... and then we destroy the lab, hide the evidence and go to the princess?"

"Better."