Dr Whooves Becomes A Meth Cook

As Twilight Sparkle's vision cleared, she gasped and grabbed Dr Whooves by his green tie. "Are you abso... lutely... INSANE?! How are we gonna fix this?! These fillies are our only contact with our customers! And if the BRONY learn about what we've done, we'll be hunted down! Like animals!" She dropped down to the ground in despair.

"The BRONY?" Whooves asked. "Seriously?"

"The Bureau of Recreational Opiates 'N' Yodeling!"

Whooves scratched his head. "What a silly name for a drug cartel. Well, we can discuss this later. Right now, we've gotta get back to your house before the sun comes up. Can you teleport us with your magic?"

"No, my head still hurts, I can't focus!" Twilight whined and rubbed her forehead.

"Okay, I... oh no." Whooves turned pale. "Wait here!" He said before galloping away despite Twilight's protests. As he didn't come back immediately, Twilight uses the broken cart to conceal the fillies she had tied up. "Oh, this feels so wrong!"

Finally, after an eternity, Whooves appeared again, rolling a barrel and sweating heavily. "We... almost forgot... the stuff there!" He breathed. "At least use your magic to dig a hole. We'll leave the methoofmetamine here for now, and use the barrel to hide the fillies."

Twilight facehoofed, but since she couldn't come up with a better plan, she used her magic to levitate a bunch of the planks and use them to dig a hole just deep enough to conceal the barrel's contents. After it was well concealed, they stuffed the fillies in the barrel, sealed it and started rolling it back to town(with an unconscious Spike on Twilight's back). Fortunately, it was midnight by that point and they didn't see many ponies about.

Rolling the barrel was heavy duty, and they both soon found themselves exhausted, near the border of Ponyville. Their energy completely drained, the two ponies collapsed into the dust, and rested their backs on the barrel. Dr Whooves and Twilight turned to look at one another, and the stallion grinned in spite of his tiredness.

"What's so funny?" Twilight asked, worried sick.

"I thought I'd be done with getting into trouble when I moved to Ponyville, when I married Derpy. Guess I've just got a nose for it."

Twilight shook her head. "You shouldn't have gotten involved. Drug dealers don't usually like surprises."

"Isn't princess Celestia gonna get awfully cross with you if she finds out you've been cooking methoofmetamine?" Whooves asked. The unicorn groaned. "That's why I'm doing this!"

"To go against princess Celestia?"

Twilight nodded. "I grew up reading books. All these wild adventures where the hero shows authority who's boss. I just felt like - for once, I wanna do something crazy like that! Not evil of course, but just... you know..." she gestured vaguely "...crazy. To feel like, for once, you're up against the whole world."

"I know that feeling. I used to, uh... travel, to all sorts of wild places. Otherworldly places. And more often than not, I ran into nasty folks who would've wanted to see nothing more than me exterminated. Oh, those were the days..." Whooves grinned, but Twilight seemed uncomfortable.

"Who are you?" She asked after a pause. Before Whooves could answer however, a strong kick from inside the barrel reminded the pair what situation they were in. "Can you teleport us now?" Whooves asked. The unicorn nodded and concentrated. Soon enough, the group were surrounded by a purple haze, which disappeared a moment later, revealing them to be in Twilight's tree house.

As Twilight put Spike to bed(apparently, the magnesium was exceptionally effective towards dragons), Whooves opened the barrel downstairs in the meth lab and let the dizzy trio of fillies fall out.
"Weeeell, that's better, isn't it? Sorry about your cutie marks." Whooves said and pulled out one of the revolvers he'd taken from them. "Now, as you are to be our guests for the foreseeable future, let's make ourselves comfortable."

Scootaloo glared at him. "I thought you were a pacifist or something."

"Of course! I've even taken the medical oath about three or four times in three or four times." Whooves said, smirking. "I can't harm a fly. I am, however, perfectly willing to cause as much pain as needed. It wouldn't be too hard for me to heal a few stray bullet holes."

"Wow. I mean, wow. You are one crazy doctor." Applebloom said. "You do realise we wouldn't have actually hurt ya, right? We were just messing about. We're just fillies, for Celestia's sake!"

Whooves's expression sank and he glanced at the revolver. "Oh. Well, that's awkward. Alright, tell you what: you tell me how to meet your boss, and we can straighten this whole mess up and you can get right back to earning your cutie marks... at drug dealing."

"Uh, okay!" Sweetie Belle said before being nudged by Scootaloo. "No way! She'll never let us do this again!"
As the Cutie Mark Crusaders argued, Twilight made her way down the stairs and raised an eyebrow as she saw Whooves holding a gun. "Did I miss something?"

"Oh, well, you know, negotiating." Whooves mumbled. "Look, we better put a lid on it tonight, my wife will never let me out of the house again if I don't turn up soon."

Twilight deadpanned: "Perhaps that would be for the best."

Suddenly, Scootaloo gasped melodramatically. "I forgot! We were supposed to meet up with the BRONY this morning! At about, errr, 6 o'clock!"
Doctor Whooves rolled his eyes. "You couldn't even get out of bed by that time." Scootaloo crossed her hooves grumpily. "Okay, fine, it was 8 o'clock. But I'm not making it up. They're gonna want to take away the meth to a safe place. And if we're not there, they'll know exactly where to look."

Twilight squeaked in fear, but Whooves was completely unintimidated. "Well, why didn't you just say so? We'll simply have to move you then."

"But Doctor, they know I'm the one cooking up the methoofmetamine!" Twilight hissed. "They will be coming for me!"

"Not if we go after them first." Whooves said confidently and pulled out a fobwatch from his collar, which he then began to swing in front of the fillies' eyes. "Just take a look at this, dears. You will become rather sleepy. Very sleepy..." and indeed, soon enough all three fillies closed their eyes. "Now then... who is your boss?"

"Mom." the fillies said in unison. Whooves facehoofed. "Let's try that again. Who is your superior in the methoofmetamine business?"

"Rarity."

Twilight fainted.

When she came to, she was back in her library, in an armchair. "Here, drink this." Doctor Whooves said in a kindly tone and offered her a warm mug of tea, which she accepted. As she gulped, however, her last memory made it back to her consciousness and she spat out the tea. "Did she say RARITY?! Is a drug lord?! Or drug lady, I guess."

Doctor Whooves shrugged. "Fancy fabrics don't buy themselves..." he glanced at his fob-watch. "Oh, wonderful, it's 2 AM. I'm surprised Derpy hasn't woken up the whole of Ponyville by now." He sighed.

"Why haven't you gone home already?" Twilight asked, confused. "We can deal with this tomorrow. Rarity's one of my best friends, we won't have any trouble."

"It's not Rarity I'm worried about, it's those Crusaders downstairs. If Rarity finds them, or if they find Rarity, I'm dead. And since they cannot harm you without drawing the attention of princess Celestia, they'll focus all of their efforts on punishing me and my family for interrupting their organisation." Dr. Whooves explained in a grim tone, before suddenly perking up. "It's a good thing then, that I've got a plan! You're gonna help me steal my TARDIS!"

The unicorn blinked "Your whats-is?"

"Time And Relative Dimension In Space! My time and spaceship! I retired it right after getting married, but it'd be an excellent place to keep the fillies until I can meet with Rarity. You can break it out of my home, so Derpy won't think I'm trying to fly off with it. And then we can use the fillies as leverage to control Rarity, yes, hmm..." the Doctor's voice trailed off. Twilight reeled from the deviousness of his plan. "Yeah, sorry, blackmail is kinda out of my league."

Doctor Whooves scoffed. "And drug dealing isn't? You said you wanted to do something crazy. We're not hurting anyone, Twilight. It's simply another slightly illegal form of business transaction. And since I'm literally helping you break into my own house, it's hardly a valid burglary. Trust me, I'm the Doctor." He smiled his most disarming smile, that almost made Twilight want to do anything he said, but reason persisted.

"You can be whoever you want, I'm not gonna help you." Twilight said and pointedly turned her back to the Doctor.

"Oh, alright then." Whooves relented. "In that case, I better go home and get some sleep. I've got a train to catch. To Canterlot. Where Princess Celestia will be most interested to hear about her favourite pupil's clandestine activities..."

Twilight's jaw dropped. Doctor Whooves bowed politely, took a saddlebag with his share of the money and left. "I'll see you in three hours."

When Doctor Whooves finally made it home, he wasn't surprised to find Derpy in the living room, wide awake. The grey pegasus had been his companion during years of time and space travel, and knew him well enough to realise that if he was missing, he'd have a very good, very interesting reason.

"Applejack said you never showed up to the farm." She said. Whooves, not having realised until now how exhausted he was, flopped down onto the couch beside her.

Several seconds passed during which Whooves tried to figure out what exactly to tell her. Deception was not unfamiliar to him - as a Time Lord, there were many secrets he'd take to the grave, and during his travelling days, he'd often found it best to keep things from friends and foes alike to accomplish his goals - but he couldn't help feeling terrible when facing the prospect of directly lying to his wife's face.

"You know what I'm like. I see something going on, I interfere. That's why they kicked me out of Gallopfrey to begin with."

Derpy pressed on: "So what did you interfere in? Don't tell me Daleks are gonna be rolling into town."

"I should only be so lucky. No, nothing alien, just a little... tomfoolery... between fillies. They were nicking apples from the farm and, I, I may have given them a few tips. Don't look at me like that, I was a foal once too, you know! Did I ever tell you I stole the TARDIS?"

The grey pegasus rolled her eyes, which went in different directions. "So... you're telling me you spent half the night stealing apples with a bunch of kids? Timey, Timey, Timey... what am I gonna do with you?"

Doctor Whooves smiled and caressed her cheek. "Well... we could try opening the TARDIS again-"

"Ha! Nice try!" Derpy said and playfully swatted his hoof away. "The day I let you risk your neck again is the day I eat muffins with raisins." She shuddered at the thought of the wrinkled grape corpses.

Finally, as the lights went down in the Whooves residence, two figures in black woolly clothing sneaked to the walls of the house.

"I can't believe you agreed to do this!" Spike hissed. "This guy is nuts!"

Twilight sighed. "We went over this, Spike! I am not going to explain to princess Celestia that I've been cooking and selling the most dangerous drug in Equestria as a hobby! We have an agreement - as soon as we get this sorted out, we'll never have to hear from Doctor Whooves again! Now come on!"

Using Twilight's magic, they quietly opened a window and crawled into the living room. The blue box glowed in the middle, like a sort of bizarre ornament. Twilight's breath hitched as she sensed the immense power from within. "Spike, I don't think he was lying." she whispered. "I can't even describe the energies coming off of this thing."

"Does it matter what it is?" Spike asked. "I wanna know how we're gonna get it out of here? It's huge!"

"Psst!"

Both of their heads turned in the direction of the noise, and they saw Doctor Whooves emerge from the shadows. "Lovely, you're right on cue." he said.

"How do we get this box out of here?" Twilight asked.

Whooves looked at her patronisingly. "You teleport it, of course."

"I can't. I need to have a fix on something before I can move it. This box... it's like... part of it is out of sync with the rest. Or it's not all there... I have never felt anything like this before. This really is a time and space machine, isn't it?"

"Mh-mh." Whooves hummed, and concentrated. "Can you levitate it?"

Twilight pursed her lips. "I think so." Her horn began to glow, and the TARDIS began to float in mid-air.
"Right! I'll get the doors open!" Spike exclaimed.

As Spike and Whooves cleared the way, Twilight carefully levitated the blue box through the narrow spaces of Whooves' house. The operation went as an oiled machine, up until a pair of glowing orbs appeared from the stairs above.

"What's going on down there?!" Derpy shouted. Twilight yelped and dropped the box, fortunately with the doors on top. "Everybody in!" Whooves hissed in a panic and shoved a screaming Spike into the TARDIS before following. With little choice, Twilight herself jumped through the doors, only for her sense of gravity to turn 90 degrees. What had been the wall a moment ago became her new floor.

Blinking, Twilight found herself in a huge, orange coral-like chamber with a huge blue column in the middle.