You Don't Want to be Rescued?

Last night had been something. Spike couldn’t remember the last time he had almost died. Most ponies weren’t brave enough to try and sneak into his castle at night. He guessed that there was some rumour that dragons were nocturnal or just never slept. In truth, he would sleep upwards to eighteen hours a day. That night he maybe got five hours of shut-eye, but he slept like a log. It was the sun shining through the tattered curtains lacing his eyes that finally woke him up.

He sat up from the ground, giving a loud and long yawn as he stretched. Never before did so little sleep feel so good.

“Well, morning sunshine,” A deep voice muttered from behind him. He turned around to see Burnt Oak, his would be killer. After Rarity had knocked him out they had tied him up to one of the pillars with as many curtains, ropes, and chains they could get their hands on.

Sitting a few feet away from him was Rarity, sitting on a large rock, her head bobbing in and out of consciousness as she fought the urge to pass out. She had insisted that Spike get some sleep while she watched the prisoner. Somehow she had managed to stay awake for the rest of the night.

“I hope you make for better company than the princess, dragon,” Burnt smiled. “Little darling’s been giving me nothing but the stink eye all night.”

“You’re... a... stink... eye...” Rarity gargled, barely even awake. Her head was swinging lower with each passing moment, and it wasn’t until Spike clapped his hands right in her ear before she woke up. “Gah! I’m awake! I cut you all!” she screamed in a panic, swinging the candlestick she still had clutched in her hand. “I... oh, sorry.”

“Good morning to you too,” Spike said. “I trust he didn’t give you too much trouble.”

“No, he was rather quiet,” Rarity yawned. “I think he was waiting for me to fall asleep before he tried to escape.”

“Guilty as charge,” the old stallion grinned. “But the little filly here wouldn’t get an inch. So now I just have to wonder what in name of Sam Elliot is going on here?” He turned to Rarity. “Your highness, I was led to believe that you’ve been captured by the dragon, but given how I’m all tied up and you’re not makes me think that it was all a hoax. So what’s the real story here?”

“It’s kind of a long story,” Spike sighed. “But I guess it can be summed up as the worst deal I’ve ever made.”

“Hey!” Rarity frowned. “It’s not that bad.”

“Your father sent somepony to kill me...”

“... OK so it is bad,” Rarity said, embarrassed. “But he didn’t kill you... so that’s good, right?”

“Yeah it’s a sad day when that’s the good in the situation,” the dragon groaned. “But yeah, I am rather fond of living... thanks, by the way.” he turned away from her. “For... saving me.”

Rarity beamed. “Anytime, somepony has to protect you, you big softie.”

“Softie?” the dark stallion wondered. “He’s a dragon. There ain’t a damn part of him that’s soft.”

“Well that’s just a negative stereotype,” Rarity frowned. “Spike happens to be the kindest, gentlest dragon I’ve ever known. And yes I know I only know one dragon but that’s one more than you, I bet!”

“So you’re not his prisoner, I take it?”

“Well technically... I am.”

“Say again now?” Burnt Oak asked, looking confused.

“I’m his prisoner... but I’m not his, you know, ‘prisoner’,” Rarity tried to explain but she couldn’t find the right words. She turned to the dragon for advice. “Spike, should we tell him?”

“Tell me what?” the stallion asked, but before anyone could give him an answer the door to the room burst open. Rainbow had kicked it open, her hands busy rubbing her sleepy eyes. She was still wearing the towel as a dress and it was getting dangerously close to slipping off.

“There you two are...” She yawned. “Those mattress things suck ass. It felt like it was stuffed with goose feathers. How could anypony sleep on something so solid?” She wiped the last of the morning crud from her eyes and saw the stallion all tied up in the room. “Who the hell is that guy?”

Burnt Oak leaned his head over to try and see the newcomer. “You got another girl here? What the hell did I walk in on?”

“Oh, good morning, Rainbow Dash. I guess you don’t know about last night’s guest,” Rarity said, looking to the other princess. Rainbow was frozen though, like she had seen a ghost. “Umm... Rainbow Dash? Are you feeling alright?”

“It looks like something spooked her,” Burnt said.

“Gah...” The pegasus moaned, taking a step back while covering her mouth a little, her eyes were shot open and it looked like she was... trembling. “That... that voice.”

“That voice?” Spike wondered, looking back at the stallion. “Wait... do you two know each other?”

“What? Of course not!” Burnt Oak frowned. “I’ve never seen her before in my life!”

POMF!

Rarity was hit in the side of the head by a towel. “Eek!” She cried as it got tangled on her face and horn. When she pulled it off, she saw what had flung it. Rainbow’s wings had popped open and were stretched at full attention. She stood there naked, her cheeks red and her mouth drooling a little.

“That voice is so hot!” She screamed with ecstasy, clutching her breast with one hand while the other one started slinking down south. “I’ve never heard a voice so deep and empowering! It’s like liquid sex in my ear!”

“Eww...” Rarity cringed.

The nude pegasus princess zoomed over to the captive stallion, who was trying to politely advert his gaze. She leaned into his ear and whispered: “Talk to me forever... penetrate me with your words.”

“Pardon me?” Burnt Oak asked, looking rather terrified.

“Yes!” She cooed. “Speak to me like that!” Her legs pinched together and her fingers started rubbing up against her sweet spot. “Talk to me more, tell me what a deer is!”

“A deer?”

“Yes a deer!” She swooned, her fingers digging deeper into her honeypot. “I have no fucking idea what that thing is I want you to tell me all about it!”

Spike and Rarity watched in awe from the sidelines. The dragon leaned over to the white mare. “What the hell is going on? Is this a pony thing?”

“I thought it was some sort of a weird mare-stallion mating ritual,” she answered. “I don’t do anything this ridiculous with my treasure. I’m not a maniac.”

“Everypony else, shut up!” Rainbow growled, whipping her head back to them in anger. “I can’t hear sexy cowboy dude here and I’m almost there!” She turned back to Burnt Oak with wide, wild eyes. “Now say flamingo sky raptor with cloud swirls.”

Burnt just shook his head. This girl was nuts.

“Right then,” Rarity said, her horn glowing and plucking Rainbow up. “I think somepony needs a cool down a little.”

“W-Whoa! Hey!” Rainbow cried as she was forcibly removed from the prisoner. “No fair! I was so close!”

As the pegasus was pulled away, Burnt Oak sighed. “Thank bessie...” he muttered under his breath. Unfortunately, his little whispered tickled the ears of Rainbow Dash as she was floating above Rarity, that last mumbled sentence riding through her body like a wild bronco. Her fingers twitched, unlocking and free her pent up desires and letting them rain down below her unto her unsuspecting victim.

Rarity the first drop of cum dropped right on the tip of her nose and she instinctively looked up to see what was happening. She regretted it immediately as her face was hit by the full dam break of mare cum. Like before, Rarity was at a loss of words, but her eye was beginning to twitch as she stared up at Rainbow’s cooter. It was moist and satisfied, almost like it was mocking her.

The unicorn took a deep breath as she wiped the clear fluid from her face. “Rainbow... that is the SECOND time you’ve done that, and I fear that there may have been a miscommunication. The reason I asked you to warn me next time wasn’t because I wanted another face full of your pent up frustration, but because I wanted time to move out of the way.” She glared at her pegasus friend. “So the next time you cum on my face there will be consequences! Do I make myself clear?!”
“Y-Yeah...” Rainbow sighed, not really paying attention. She was still riding her afterglow and everything was sounding kind of fuzzy. “No problem, glad I could help.”

“Unbelievable...” Rarity growled as she gently tossed the pegasus out of room. “Splash some water in your face and don’t come back until you’ve gotten ahold of yourself. And put some clothes on!” She slammed the door behind the pegasus and sighed. “Well... that was something. Now then...” Rarity turned back to Burnt Oak. “About this bounty of yours... I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to not cash it in.”

“Say again now?” The old stallion asked.

“Well... mostly because you can’t,” Rarity continued. “It’s sweet that daddy decided to call every able body pony in the land to arms to rescue me, but I am in no need of saving, sir. I’m quite happy where I am now.”

There were a few moments of silence before Burnt Oak said something. “What the hell did you do to her, dragon?” He asked. “She under some sort of spell?”

“Trust me, she isn’t,” Spike said. “I’d be more than happy to give her to you, but I sort of made a deal so... yeah...”

“Well then,” the stallion let out a long groan. “I guess this is where my story ends, you gonna kill me now? Cause I ain’t got nothing left to say.”

“Goodness no!” Rarity cringed. “That’s disgusting. Do you have any idea what sort of mess that would make? Everything would be all... corpsy and you’d probably start to smell. I refuse to live in a castle full of dead things.”

“Then what are you going to do with me?”

“I don’t know! We haven’t thought that far ahead yet,” Rarity said. “Part of me was hoping you’d just... poof away to another dimension and this headache would all be over.”

“Yeah, life doesn’t work that way,” said Spike. Although it was a fair point they had made. What was he going to do with this bounty hunter. He wasn’t going to kill him and they couldn’t keep him tied up forever. That’d be like having a third damn pony living with him and he was old and didn’t have boobs. He wasn’t doing it! “Hey... can I ask you something, Burnt?”

“Might as well.”

“Why did you take the job?”

He shrugged. “Money, what else.”

“Really?” Spike asked. “Just money? Not for say glory, or the thrill of the kill?”

“Dragon, I’m sixty-two years old,” he said. “All I want is enough bits to buy myself a nice home in a quiet town and rest. The smell of blood is getting old along with the rest of my body. Hell, if I hadn’t caught you by surprised you’d be able to overpower me easily. That’s what I want, mister, to either die or retire.”

“Oh, is that all?” Rarity asked. “Well, why didn’t you say so earlier?” With that, Rarity rushed out of the room. “I’ll be right back. Spike, be a dear and untie him.”

“What? Why would I do that?” He asked, but it was too late. Rarity was already far down the hall. He growled a little. “What the hell is she planning?” It probably wasn’t a good thing that she ran off so happy, a scheme from Rarity could be horrible for him. Yet despite this, he slowly started to untie Burnt Oak. “No funny business, you got it? I don’t want to hurt you, but I will if I have to.” He lied, pray with all his heart that he wouldn’t make a move. Luckily, the old stallion was compliant, just opting to crack his back.

The two of them waited in an awkward silence for a few minutes until the door to the room swung back open.

“I’m back~!”” Rarity hummed, skipping into the room, carrying two fat sacks of gold in each hand. “Sorry for the wait, but I couldn’t quite remember how much homes cost nowadays, so I over estimated just to be safe.” She thrusted the two bags into the dark pony’s chest. “There you go, that should more than enough for a relaxing retirement.”

“Retirement-wait, what’s going on? What’s all this?” Oak asked.

“Yes, Rarity, what is all this?!” Spike screamed at the sight of the bagged up treasure. “Your idea was to just give him money?!”

“Of course not,” Rarity beamed. “I’m not giving him anything. I’m paying him to keep his mouth shut about all of this and to disappear.” She turned back to Burnt Oak. “Now then, you’re going to take that money and never show your face here again. You’re also not going to say how you got this gold either, capiche? If I find out that you did, and believe me I will find out, I will personally shove you into a giant, solid gold pony grinder.”

“A what?” He asked. “Is that even a real thing?”

“It is. My father got it for me on my birthday,” Rarity said. “It was... a wildly inappropriate present for a five year old. Plus, only my father ever really used it.”

“Sweet heavens, no wonder you don’t want to go back home,” Burnt Oak gulped. “I had no idea the king was so psychotic.”

“Hey, it’s not like he throws everypony in it!” Rarity huffed in defense of her father. “Just his enemies and ponies he hates. But you’re not going to have to worry about that because you’re not gonna be either, right?”

The old stallion looked back at the two bundles of gold. “I don’t know... doesn’t seem right, almost like cheating. After all the things I’ve done in my life, it seems odd for me to not earn my keep.”

“Especially when you’re keep is my gold!” Spike yelled. “Rarity, I get what you’re trying to do but you have no right giving away what’s not yours!”

“OK, first of all...” she said, her eye twitching a little. “All that treasure’s stolen, so your ‘taking what’s not yours’ argument is laughable.” The dragon looked like he was going to say something, but looked like he had hit a wall. “Second, I’m not paying him with your treasure... I’m using mine.”

“Y... your treasure?”

“Yes, mine,” Rarity said. “You know, the massive heap of gold and gems I was hiding in that you stole from my castle along with me? That gold. I’d say you have very little claim over it and I can do what I please with my belongings. Like paying this gentlecolt to keep quiet about all this.”

“I just...” Spike raised an eyebrow curiously. “Never thought you’d do that, considering how much you love gold.”

“I do love gold,” Rarity sighed heavenly. “Just thinking about it makes my heart flutter a little. But I’m not stupid, Spike. I know what treasure’s other purpose is besides sex. Besides, it’s for a worthy cause.” She turned to Burnt again. “So please accept my bribe, sir. I would be quite grateful if you did.”

Burnt Oak looked at the two heavy sacks of gold. “Wait, other purpose besides sex? The hell does that mean? Did you sleep with this gold?!”

“WOULD YOU JUST LEAVE ALREADY?!” Rarity snapped.

“Yikes, OK!” the startled stallion muttered, slinging the gold over his shoulder. “No need to bite my head off.” He made a mental note to wear gloves while handling his new loot, or at least dunk it in a lake first. “Well it’s been... interesting.” He turned to the window he had climbed into the previous night. He carefully heaved himself over the edge and started sliding down his grappling hook. Before he disappeared from view, he stuck his head up and said: “You folks take care now.” And with that said, he slid down the rope to retirement, vanishing from view and their lives.

The dragon and the mare were all alone now. Spike looked at the princess and smiled. “That was actually quite nice of you, Rarity. I never thought you’d do something so generous.”

“Spike, I’m appalled!” She gasped. “I’ll have you know that I’m extremely generous! Do you think that I’m so petty and possessive that I can’t even give away three hundred and forty eight coins to save not just you but myself and Rainbow and I need you to grab both my arms before I plunge myself out that window.”

“Huh?”

“Because I’m a monster!” She cried, making a mad dash towards the window. “Three hundred and forty eight! I just gave away over three hundred of my babies!”

“Ah, hey there!” Spike shrieked, grabbing the white mare’s arm before she could make it to the window. “What the hell, Rarity?! You were doing so well!”

“I don’t want to live!” Rarity whined as she fell to her knees. “No, I don’t deserve to live! How will I ever go on knowing about what I’ve done?! I just sacrificed everything that I loved. I didn’t even get to say goodbye!”

Spike groaned. “Oh for the love of- Rarity, you’re being overdramatic.”

“YOU’RE being overdramatic!” She cried. “I’m a princess, there’s no such thing as overdramatic... I... I...” Her eyes started to flutter a little. “I feel... faint.” She collapsed, all the excitement had finally gotten to her and she passed out.

Spike looked down at her. When she wasn’t throwing a hissy fit, she looked rather peaceful. “Thanks...” he said. He honestly wasn’t sure if he would have been able to give away his treasure the same way Rarity had. Sure, she had... lingering regrets on it but this was a big step for the princess and even if she was asleep he wanted to acknowledge that. Carefully, Spike scooped the princess up and started carrying her back to her room. “Now... what do ponies eat for breakfast?”

*****

“Three weeks!”

The King was sitting in the great dining hall of the castle, a large cooked pheasant was plated before him, a crispy golden brown and getting cold. He was too busy sobbing into his arms to eat. He had hardly eaten a thing for nearly a month. The loss of his daughter kept his stomach in knots and his appetite at bay. He could barely even drink water sometimes.
“Sir?” His faithful butler, always by his side, asked.

“That’s how long it’s been since I’ve eaten with my family,” The King muttered, tearing up. “It’s how long my dear Rarity has been kidnapped!” He broke down into more tears. “I-I just don’t know how much longer I can take this! Everytime I hear the door open I pray that it’s her finally coming home! And when it’s not I just want to stab something!”

“Yes I know sir,” the butler nodded. “I was there.”

“Your shoulder’s fine though, right?”

“My bone kept it from going all the way through, your grace,” the servant muttered. “It hardly impacts my daily duties.”
“Right...” he sighed. “Maybe this is karma, Sebastian. For all the things I’ve done, all the ponies I’ve sent to the gold pony grinder...”

“Flounder.”

“Huh?”

“My name’s not Sebastien, my king,” the butler said. “It’s Flounder, Flounder Scuttle.”

“Oh...” he said. “I just thought because you were a butler... nevermind.”

“I’ve already forgotten about it,” Flounder said.

“Have there been any new candidates?” The King asked. “And what about that one we sent there a few weeks ago? Burnt something right?”

“Burnt Oak, your highness,” Flounder said. “Sadly, there has been no response from him regarding his whereabouts. As grim as it may be, we’ll have to assume he lost his life. As for possible replacements well... it’s not faring as well as we’d hope. We have had very few responses as of yet.”

“That dragon bastard...” The King grumbled. “Just thinking about what he’s doing to my daughter right now makes me want to...” He took a deep breath, slowly exhaling. He needed to calm down. When he was angry he got violent and irrational, if he was going to rescue his daughter he needed to remain level-headed. “Are we sure there are no new responses in the rookery?”

“We have a pony standing by every hour of the day checking the ravens as they come. It’d be impossible for so many to have been missed.”

“Well keep checking. We need a new champion soon,” the king said.

As he finished his sentence, there was a knock on the door. Both the king and the servant turned to it with hopeful glances as a royal guard walked in, bowing immediately.

“My King!” He said. “I have news from the front gate. There is a small group of ponies waiting at the front gate. They’re requesting an audience with you, my lord.”

“What? Who the hell is knocking at my door at dinner time?!” The King roared. “Just who are these guys?”

“Umm...” the guard said, trembling a little. “They’re not stallions sir... they’re mares.”

“Mares?” He wondered. “You mean... all mares?” The guard nodded. “Crap. What the hell are they doing so far up north?” He muttered to himself before looking back at the guard. “Let them in. Do not take their weapons, don’t even look them in the eye or say a word to them.”

“My lord?”

“If you value your life you’ll do as I say,” the King said. “Now hurry up and let them in before they decide to break the door down themselves.” The guard rushed back out of the dining hall as the king sunk into his chair. “Great... just what I needed... First my daughter and now I have to deal with that old hag.” His ear twitched a little and he started sliding his seat back a few feet. “You might want to take a few steps backwards, Seba-I mean Flounder.” The butler did as he was told, just in time as well. The large wooden door to the hallway was kicked in and went flying across the room. It smashed into the table, breaking into several pieces only a few feet away from where the two were. Flounder looked horrified but the King remained calm, turning toward the hole in the doorway. “You could have knocked, you know.”

“I did,” a raspy old voice croned from the shadows. “You shitty colts don’t know how to build a damn door.”

From the hallway ten mares poured in. Each of them were scantily clad in dried leathers and furs, decorated with claws and teeth from vicious animals. With so little on it was easy to spot their intimidating figures. Stomachs were smooth and toned, some showing off abs, their arms were thick and muscular and the glare in the mares eyes reflected a lifetime worth of hunts and battles, and were filled with rage and fury.

One of them, a pink mare with a frazzled purple mane slammed the hilt of her spear to the ground, pointing at the King. “You are in the presence of the superior Amazon race! Get on your knees and bow, male!”

“Now, now Sugar Belle,” the ancient sounding voice said as a small plump figure waddled in front of the rest. “We’re in his home, in his kingdom. Even though he’s a stallion doesn’t change the fact that he’s a ruler and a king.” the plump old mare stopped. Unlike the rest of the Amazons, she was bundled up with furs like a ball, only her wrinkly green hands and head were exposed. Her white mane was pulled back and out of her eyes so she could squint at the king. “Hondo... you’ve gotten fatter.”

“Granny Smith...” The King groaned. “When are you going to do this world a favour and die already?”

“You insolent little-” Sugar Belle growled, readying her spear along with the rest of the female warriors. “You will show the Grandmare respect, lest we feed you your infernal genitals!”

“Lovely...” Hondo muttered. “As wonderful as it is to see you barbarians, is there a reason you’re here? If it’s war you want I’m really not in the mood.”

“No, I don’t want any of that,” the old mare snickered, reaching deep into her fur coats and pulled out a scrap of paper. “Can’t I just swing by your castle and ask... how your daughters are doing?”

A cold chill ran up the King’s spine. “So... you heard.”

“I have,” Granny Smith said with a smile. “Can’t say I’m surprised, either. She had no good mares to defend her, just you shitty stallions. Mares around these parts are so fragile it breaks my heart. If I had the power I’d chain the lot of you men to the breeding fields and liberate each mare in the land as the Goddesses intended it. That’s the true world order, Hondo. A female dominated world.”

“Is that why you came?” He asked. “To spout out your neo-feminism propaganda? I get it, you think males were only put on this earth to have their sperm harvested like tree sap. It’s really great and I’m sure it works great down there in the Saltlick Plains, but here we have Queens and Kings, and trust me my wife did almost as much running of this country as I did.”

“If your wife ran things you wouldn’t have dragon problems to begin with. Which is why I decided to mozy on over,” Granny Smith said turning towards the window to look at the slowly setting sun. “Hmm... starting to get late... anywho, After reading your little plea for help, I’ve decided solving your problem could prove beneficial to us. So we’re going to kill that dragon and rescue your daughter.”

“Well...” Hondo muttered. “How generous of you, to do this out the kindness of your heart.”

“Hah! Nothing in this world is free,” Granny cackled.

“I figured... how much do you want?”

“I don’t want your money,” the old mare spat, flashing her teeth at the king. “I want your daughter.”

“WHAT?!” The king yelled. “That’s outrageous! In what universe do you think I’d even consider handing my baby girl to you... savages!”

“Because us ‘savages’ are the strongest ponies there are,” Granny said. “And I bet that you would rather see your daughter safe in our care than hostage to that beast.” The King kept his cold stare at her, not that she minded, the Grandmare knew she was right, and that the King knew that as well. “She’d be in good hands, Hondo. Afterall... she’ll be marrying my granddaughter.”

There was an array of gasps from within the room. All the Amazons were shocked upon hearing this, clearly they weren’t informed on the old mare’s plans.

“G-Grandmare, are you sure about that?” Sugar Belle asked. “I’ll admit that the princess is beautiful but your Granddaughter deserves better!”

“My granddaughter would spend the rest of her life hunting and killing if she had her way,” Granny muttered. “I can respect that, but as my successor she has a duty to take a wife to bear a child. Besides you all had your chance to woo her and you failed. The lot of you.” the girls all hung their heads down low. “Besides, this way we liberate another mare to the right path... the fact it’s this fat bastards daughter makes it all the more sweeter. So what do you say, King of the kidnapped daughter?”

Fewer ponies made him as genocidal as The Grandmare of the Amazons. The two had a rather... tattered past. Many wars fought... none with any winners. He didn’t want to admit it, but having his daughter married to an Amazon would also lead to an alliance, even if they hated stallions it was still his daughter. Rarity would be safe... in the end, that’s all a father could hope for. “This granddaughter of yours. She can save my daughter?”

The old mare waved him over. “Come to the window, I want to show you something...” The King got up and walked over next to her, staring out to the many fields that surrounded the castle. “Look out by the sunset, do ya notice something?” She asked, reaching into her coat and pulled out a spyglass.

The King looked through the telescope, seeing the large, rocky-looking thing making its way towards the castle. “Is that... a rock troll?” he asked. Although it looked like it was walking funny, almost like it was crawling or floating. “It’s moving a little weird... is it hurt?”

Granny nodded. “Big, ugly, and skin harder than a boulder. Normal weapons would just bounce off of it like they were nothing.” She said. “My granddaughter couldn’t find a dragon, so we figured this would be the next best thing.”

“For what?”

“To show off her strength,” she said, putting a boney finger on top of the telescope and pushing it down a little, fixing the view on a lone pony. It was an orange skinned mare with a mane like fresh straw. She had no weapons and no armour other than the few patches of cow hide that made up her loincloth and bra and a satchel tied to her side. Over her shoulder was one of the limbs of the Rock troll. She was dragging it towards the castle effortlessly. “Hondo Platinum... I’d like to introduce my eldest granddaughter: Applejack, the mare’s that’s going to rescue and marry your daughter.”