I'm not entirely sure where to begin. There's a lot of moving parts here, and you have a small brain. Retard. Die.
I guess I'll just start at the beginning, a wonderful place to start. That's a quote from Rajesh Kuthrapali of Big Bang Theory fame. That show is extremely hilarious to a genius like me.
It all began some beautiful Tuesday afternoon, as I was cutting apart the eyelids of one very unruly child. Despite the soft-as-butter nature of the little boy's skin, it was proving to be an exceptionally difficult task. even though his head was tightly locked in place, the involuntary trembling of his facial tissue made the actual process of removing the skin around his eyes incredibly difficult.
I'm an amazing skin slicer, but even with my talents it was turning out to be a devastatingly slow surgery, achieving at most a rate of one tiny little cut every ten or fifteen minutes.
"Doctor Goodboy, we have the replacement eyelids ready, how soon will you be able to remove the infected lids from the patient?" asked my hulking, seven foot supervisor Helga.
"Just a few moments," I barely mumbled, hunching over my project as my fingers, scalpel in hand, hovered above the last delicate strands of skin keeping the young child's eyelids attached to his face.
I sucked in and subsequently held a deep breath, and steadied my hand. I slashed with the precision of a surgical robot.
"Forceps."
The word came out instinctively, and Helga obliged quick as a cat, despite her stocky build, handing over the requested tool.
Using the forceps I peeled the kids away from the fluid coated eyes, producing a nearly imperceptible squelchy sound.
"Replacements now." I ordered.
Helga brought them to me on a tray, along with a cool grafting device. Despite being a doctor I don't know what it's called. Fuck me, right?
I only had seconds to work with. The eyes would dry out without proper skin coverage, so using the forceps I flippity flapped the new eyelids onto the little boy. Then I put my fingers on his eyes and started blinking them manually to spread watery eye goop around on them, saving the boy's eyesight.
The grafting device makes short work of actually connecting his lids to the rest of him, and in a miniscule amount of time the boy can blink again.
"You did it Doctor, you cured that little boy of his eye AIDS." screeched Helga at the top of her lungs as she started making out with me and sucking my cock .
"Eyelid AIDS Nurse Helga. You'll find that eye AIDS is quite incurable." I muttered solemnly as Helga gargled my testicles all the way in the back of her mouth as she jerked off my erect penis with her now bare feet, which were elegantly stretched up over her head as her arms pushed her body up off the floor. She looked fucking stupid but it felt so good that I managed to keep my erection as I chortled at her sea creature-esque pose, soon getting close to a mighty nut rupturing orgasm.
Unfortunately the kid I saved is a real cockblock and decided to wake up right as I was about to cum, completely dehornifying me.
"Oh geez the kid's awake, I guess I better put my balls away and unrestrain him," I whined as I pulled my sack out of Helga's mouth.
Dejectedly I trudged my blue balls over to the kid and loosened his restraints. I then put the AIDS-ridden eyelids I'd removed from the aforementioned child in a medical waste bag.
"Nurse take this kid to his parents, let them know he isn't going to die and he wasn't a little bitch about it. I'm going to throw away this bag of eye AIDS."
"Why don't you ever talk to the parents of your patients?" Helga inquired.
"Who cares?" I responded. I sprinted out of the room screaming like a psychopath, running all the way to the waste chute, which I promptly spiked the bag into before turning on a dime and pimping away.
"Hahahahaha!" Laughed someone in a very small font, stopping me in my tracks.
I looked around for the source of the noise but nobody with a font small enough was anywhere in sight. Blinded by failure, I dove into the medical waste chute, where I belong because I'm a piece of shit.
On the way down the chute I can to the realization that it was considerably more jagged and uncomfortable than I thought it'd be. I thought it would be like a fun slide, like the metal slides at preschool that became hot enough to blister my tender toddler skin. The worst part was the bottom though, my expectations were, of course, that I was going to land in a pleasantly soft pile of discarded placentas and used syringes. Those expectations were promptly subverted by a neck-first landing on moist, bloody concrete.
"Not quite what you, expected was it? You're TOO late Doctor Goodboy I've already completed my master plan!"
I craned my broken neck to get a look at the source of the noise.
"Oh god, Rian Johnson what the fuck are you doing now?" I moped aloud.
"Well Doctor GoodBOOBS, since you decided to haphazardly stumble into yet another one of my nefarious capers, I suppose I can fill you in," sneered Rian Johnson from behind his turned-up nose as he sauntered over to one of the most disgusting looking and smelling husks I've ever seen, "see this?"
"Not only can I see it, I can fucking taste it from here."
"That's probably actually your body going into shock. You fell pretty far, and that landing looked absolutely horrid. I physically cringed when I saw it."
"I physically cringed when I saw you," I shot back like a spitting cobra.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but at least I'm not lying at the bottom of a hole with a broken neck."
"At least I'm not standing at the bottom of a hole playing with medical waste...with no gloves on."
"Oh yeah I was gonna explain that to you," muttered Rian sheepishly as he rubbed his neck.
"No need to be embarrassed just get on with it bro."
"Well y'know how everyone hated the Last Jedi?"
"Rian, not everyone hated it. I hated it, fat guys on the internet hated it. Plenty of people liked it."
"After my movie flopped in China," continued Rian despite my half-assed attempt at reassurance, "I was a totally broken man. Michael Bay can sell a terrible movie to Chinese people, why can't I?"
"Remember that fat mermaid movie that grossed #1 in China? Who cares what these people think? They're almost as stupid as Americans, who are almost as stupid as European people. Particularly the British. Ugh."
"That's some serious fucking xenophobia dude."
"No I think it's Jingoism, but anyway your shitty movie flopped in Chinaaaa..."
"Right right. Well I was depressed. You wouldn't think some angry tweets and a couple video essays would grate on a person but...man when it's millions of people all shitting on something you made, that you poured so much effort into. It fucking hurts man. The death threats I can handle, but the people telling me that I'm shit, that everything I make is devoid of any substance. That's what cuts me deep." he pauses, shuddering and closing his watery eyes, "so I said 'hey fuck it, I'm gonna kill the entire world with a horrible virus.' Which is where this pile of waste comes into play."
He ran his tounge up the mound of discarded pieces and moaned.
"I'm not very smart though. Honestly there's almost zero scientific information in this brain of mine, so I wasn't sure how to do it.
I've been saving the most repugnant chunks of flesh and other assorted bits and shaping them into this creepy, ugly meat man. I figure if I create the most diseased man on Earth he'll stumble around like a zombie and infect people with shit."
"That makes sense I guess," I assess from my spot on the floor.
"Nah it doesn't. Or at least it didn't, until I got my meat mitts on these bad boys," he cackled, whipping out the set of AIDS-infested eyelids I'd thrown away earlier, "the one thing my little man was lacking, were horribly toxic eyelids. Now that I have them, I can like, do bad things."
"You'll never get away with this Rian," I shouted as Rian stepped over me and up to a switch on a nearby wall, "I WILL stop you."
"Well thank goodness you were here to put your neck on the line for humanity," sneered Rian snidely. In a flash his arm snapped down, switch in hand.
Nearly instantly the room began to vibrate as a deafening rumbling noise erupted from somewhere in the ceiling. I did my best to look up, the gravel-like bones in my neck making noises reminiscent of a bag of rocks and glass. The roof above split open, sending people and possessions careening down to the concrete floor below in a cascade of desks, papers, IV stands, and bodies. Since we were in the basement, this process repeated several more times until the top ceiling opened to allow a torrent of rain and wind to funnel into the hospital. Each person that fell landed on their neck like me, but unlike me rather than retain most of their mental faculties despite being physically crippled, they all completely fucking died.
I flopped my head back down to discover that while I'd been gazing up, a table with a metal rod sticking up out of the furthest end of it had ascended from the floor beneath us. Rian slunk his way over to the table, rancid carcass in tow. With zero care he plopped the body down on the table which emitted a wet thunk on contact.
"Good thing there was a lightning storm a brewin' at the same time as you found out about my plans. Can you imagine how screwed I'd be if this had happened several hours earlier or later?" guffawed Rian as his finger pushed a small button on the side of the table. The metal rod above it extended up, up, up, until it was literally like three hundred feet long, poking out above the top of the hospital.
Instantly the rod was struck by a massive bolt of lightning, sending shimmering electricity firing down into the rotten, roiling mass of plagued parts in less than the blink of an AIDS-infested eye. The body shuddered and vibrated, sending chunks of viscera flying around the room.
The AIDS-ridden eyelids of the crappy cadaver lit up, shining with blue light that crackled like jagged fire. The body floated up above the table, striking an intimidating "T" pose while bolts of lightning fired from its eyes and scattered along the ground.
"Huh." proclaimed Rian Johnson.
Almost as if it were a response to the "huh," a strand of electricity lashed out from the corpse(?) and struck Rian in the chest. Rather than being electrocuted and burnt however, I watched in horror as Rian became enveloped in searing blue light, before disappearing completely.
I was utterly powerless to stop the monster(?) or really to do much of anything. Broken neck, you know.
I suppose this thing actually wasn't a corpse because once it had done whatever it did to Rian, it turned its head to me, staring directly into my eyes. Its mouth opened, and I opened mine.
We both screamed at the same time, as a strand of lightning lashed out from the MONSTER, and struck me in the chest.
The Chapter Where a HUMAN goes to EQUESTRIA :O
My eyes flashed open, which was the last thing I expected to happen next. I have no earthly way of knowing whether or not you've been struck by lightning before, but in my experience the last thing that goes through your mind is "I'll probably be opening my eyes in a few minutes." It's right below "what if I get teleported somewhere" on the big list of 'shit one might think about.' Speaking of which.
I have no idea where I am anymore. Not only is this not the basement of a hospital, it isn't even a basement at all. I'm not even in past tense anymore. Fucking weird.
My ability to survey my surroundings is somewhat limited, as you may recall, because you're incredibly beautiful and intelligent, I broke my neck a few minutes ago. Well shockingly enough, getting struck by lightning did nothing to fix that. If anything I'm more crippled than before. I'm definitely lying in some grass if that helps.
"I'm telling you Starl-"
"Hello?!!?" I screech like a wounded animal, which I am, calling out to the first voice I hear. Thank god my hearing still works. "If I'm not having auditory hallucinations then please get over here and help me."
I hear clippety clopping behind me, which is an immediate turn off. I'm deathly afraid of horses, they might be the creepiest animal in existence. Their eyes are so creepy, especially when they're afraid, which is also when they're most likely to trample you to death. I saw a movie once when I was a little kid where a scared, creepy horse has a bunch of spiders in its mouth, and then it covers a kid in spiderwebs and swallows him whole. A single kick from a horse can paralyze you forever, and I'm already paralyzed forever.
"H-hey nevermind, I actually quite like this grass, don't help me."
"Oh Celestia! Starlight, look at that thing, it's in horrible condition and it's something I've never seen before!"
Celestia? Starlight? This lightningbolt must've sent me to some weird hippo dippie "Children of Gaia" cult or something. I'm not the kind to judge but I'm in need of serious medical attention not bone-soothing chakras from Mother Earth.
"Hey, Celestia was it? You wouldn't happen to have working knowledge of the human spine would you?" I call out, trying to take some initiative despite my utter lack of mobility.
"I have working knowledge of many spines," replied the voice eagerly as the clippety clips grew closer and began to sound crunchier, "none of them human."
"Seriously please get off that horse. I can hear those crunchy clippety clops and it's really freaking me out." I cry nervously. I'm aware that it's irrational for an apex predator like myself to fear an edible herbivore but herbivore still has vore in it. My mom fell off a horse and broke her wrist when she was little. I don't associate horses with beauty and grace, I associate them with hurt and murdered children.
"I'm not a horse, I'm a pony," shot back the voice. Great, so I'm at a furry convention. At least that'll be somewhat close to a hospital. High quality fursuit though to get such real clops and clips. The owner of the voice circled around into my field of view, and I immediately knew that I wasn't alive anymore. "And my name is Twilight Sparkle."
In front of me was the most sadistic nightmare spawn I'd ever seen. Like something out of the most ironic punishment a demon could conjure.
"What on Earth?" I gasped, as a gazed helplessly up at the most horrifying thing I'd ever seen.
It was like a horse, but deformed in OH so many ways. Its horse eyes, which would normally be respectfully small despite their creepiness, now occupied at least fifty percent of this monster's face. By contrast, the ordinarily large, ugly horse mouth was ridiculously tiny, containing many unnervingly human-looking teeth all of which were on display thanks to the joyous grin on the animal's visage. Its mane was perked nerdily atop its head, in an obviously intentional manner, like a little horsey librarian. It even had a motherfucking horn.
Sentient unicorns. I'm in motherfucking hell. That lightning bolt actually killed me. There was a pretty good chance of that I suppose. A better one than this being my afterlife of all things.
"So hey what are you anyway?" inquired Twilight Sparkle.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I replied with utmost eloquence.
The beast recoiled and I took my chance.
"Glorious, wonderful Satan, I'm sorry I doubted thee," I cried into the hells. "I will join thee in thy bid against Christ, ye need only to end this wretched punishment and torture me like a regular fucking person!"
"Please stop screaming at me, I need to give you medical attention," pleaded the repugnant monstrosity.
"Twilight what is that loud, vulgar creature?" came the other voice, which til now had escaped my fear-clouded memory. It creeped into my line of vision, right next to the other one. They looked extremely similar, with vaguely different hairstyles and color schemes.
"I'm unsure Starlight but it's clearly in horrible pain, I want to help it but it keeps startling me. It makes my legs twitchy."
Starlight and Twilight huh? That's pretty freaking creative, Satan. Well two awful horse-demons, may as well scream twice as loud. I revved my lungs into turbo mode and produced a shrill shriek that would deafen gods.
It immediately ceased as a ball of dirt and grass lodged itself directly in my mouth.
"Starlight that's cruel."
"Just get it to a hospital already, criminy!"
I did my best to scream through the dirt and grass but the odds were really starting to stack against my tired vocal chords. What I intended to be a bloodcurdling shout came out as a mere muffled whimper, which failed to repel the oddly proportioned horses before me. I'd consider losing consciousness and washing my hands of this ordeal if I didn't have to describe things in first person. Sucks to be me I guess. Can't I just nap though? You know what Ponyville is. You dedicated precious brainpower to storing images of it, instead of studying. And now you're reading this. Hmm.
Fuck it, I'm losing consciousness. Goodnight.
Doctor 2 Doctor starring Tim Allen
"So Dr.Really Good Doctor, to summarize, I don't know what this thing is, but it definitely has a broken neck." said Creepy Twilight Idiot Face with her stupid fucking mouth.
I awoke in a gross facsimile of a doctor's office, exactly like one of my checkup rooms in every way except for the presence of multiple horrid horse demons. If you didn't get the memo on that, hell is just where you lie around with a broken neck getting dragged about by your worst nightmare. Look forward to the afterlife knowing that I'm a doctor but I still went to hell. What are you? How many lives do you save with wonderful, beautiful surgery?
"You probably should have taken him to the vet or something, he's not a pony, and I'm a pony doctor. They might just put him down though." replied Dr.Really Good Doctor, who probably has character traits related to things other than doctoring. I guess we'll see. "You know before I got my cutie mark I made a living crushing rats under my hooves."
"I'm a doctor too, Dr.Really Good Doctor, and I have to ask how you manage to perform surgery with those clunky old hooves of yours."
The doctor gave me a befuddled gaze, as if I was a freak for not knowing the answer to this incredibly stupid and obvious question.
"Don't look at me like that, rat crusher, you know fuck all about my anatomy either."
The fellow doctor shrugged and opened his mouth as wide as he could, revealing his awful horse teeth, and wretched horse tongue. Instead of ending in a fleshy bib the tongue ended in a small pink hand, which waved at me. I could also make out a pair of secondary eyes on the roof of his mouth.
"Holy shit I need to get out of here somebody fix my motherfucking neck I'm done! Either that or drop a rock on my head and kill me. I'm dead serious this has to stop. Satan please punish me in literally any way other than this." I screamed.
"He yells about this Satan guy a lot," mumbled Starlight Sparkle to herself, unaware of her existence as a spectre of the damned. The damned good looking that is, "and by the sound of it they are not friends."
Twilight Shimmer's ears drooped, then perked up.
"Well if he and this...Sayyytahn, are having a friendship problem, that must mean us finding him was meant to be, we can fix it!" she cheered as she jumped up and down.
"Yeah or ummm, you could help me with my broken fucking neck." I spat plainly.
"If you're really willing to die anyway I can give surgery a crack." chimed Dr.Really Good Doctor.
"Yes, and don't try too hard not to kill me." I immediately responded.
In an instant an expressionless nurse unicorn levitated me into the air and rested me atop a gurney. I promptly got strapped in and in dash I was being wheeled to the doctor place where surgery is done which I know the name of cuz I'm a doctor.
"LA la la blah blab babble," sputtered the doctor as he ran alongside me.
"What are you doing dude?" I inquired innocently.
"Just prepping my muscles for surgery," he said before giving me another tongue wave and getting back to his preparation.
Somehow I plum forgot about the tongue hand.
I don't want that shit touching me.
"Hey doc, why not give the hooves a try eh? If you touch me with that tongue I'll fucking kill you." I screamed.
In response the doctor stuck out his tongue and licked my face from chin to forehead. I immediately lost consciousness.
"I'd rather be dead and in Hell 2 than awake right now with the knowledge that I was licked by some freakish hand tongue." I griped from my hospital bed. Apparently the surgery had been a complete success, and now instead of being crippled forever, I'm crippled for a little while. Progress is happening and I hate it.
"You'll have to get used to tongue hands, everyone in Equestria has a weird tongue." crowed Dr.Really Good Doctor from his perch atop a swivel stool, "Twilight's tongue helps her channel magic, and there's a pink girl in town with a long prehensile tentacle tongue."
"I'll cut out every single one of your tongues and burn them in a pile." Maybe I'm being rude but in my defense he's creepy as sin.
"Well Twilight I must say this creature doesn't make the best first impression." came an authoritative voice from just offscreen.
I turned my head only to sink deeper into my endless nightmare.
It was another horse, exactly like the others, save for a few details. An ever-flowing mane oozed from its head like lava, and it had a pair of large wings resembling an Osprey.
But worst of all was its size. It was still smaller than a typical horse, but it was easily as tall as I would be if I weren't lying motionless in a hospital bed.
"I hope that was an ill-fated attempt at humor and not a death threat aimed at all of Equestria." it boomed menacingly before being slightly pushed back by Startwight Sparkler.
"I'm sure it was, please, this whatever it is just recently went through a whole bunch of awful stuff. I found it lying in the grass with a broken neck. He's having a friendship problem with someone called 'Sayyyytahn."she blurted frantically.
"Ahhh shit well...friendship stuff is your jurisdiction. I guess I won't impale his skull on my horn. But Twilight, when he's healed up,if he poses a threat-"
"I'll stab him directly in the brain," finished Twinkle Sparkle innocently.
Twinkle and the giant horse laughed about murdering me in front of me, as I lay helpless and immobile mere feet from each of them. Did I mention horses are my least favorite animal? I'm having a great time.
"Hey doc, when can I get the fuck up on outta here? I'm sick of all this reactive protagonist bullshit. I'm a proactive protagonist."
"Ehhhh, you should be better by next chapter, give it a week or two."
