Author's Note

So y'all actually liked my ramblings. Thanks.

Gettin' Down to Business

You are Golden Badge.

The infamous alabaster bastard, the zigger deleter, bucking racist bastard, these were just a hoofful of the nicknames you’ve been given by the townsponies of Ponyville. You came here to found Ponyville’s first police station, but apparently there’s no crime here whatsoever. So, you get by with harassing minorities and making fun of non-unicorns.

Right now, you are attempting to enjoy your overpriced black coffee from the local café, but the lumbering lankster Anon has plopped his bipedal ass on a chair opposite you. Everyone here loves Anon. He’s either a mumbling mess, or an explosive personality that spouts the most insane bullshit. If you had to compare him to anything, he’s basically the token zebra of any group. But instead of having stripes, he’s just really bucking tall.

“Heya there lil’ horse dude,” Anon greeted.

You pulled down your comically oversized shades to look up at Anon. “Can I help you Anonymous?” you ask, slightly miffed your peaceful sunny day has been interrupted by the town autist. He’s been cantering throughout town after you witnessed the fireballed human careening through the atmosphere, being rushed into the Crystalline Cock Castle ™, and integrating into the pony culture.

“Actually, I think you can,” Anon started, “first off, what’s your name?”

“Golden Badge,” you replied, swiping a lock of your aptly titled golden mane behind the ridge of your sunglasses.

“OK Golden, I just really need someone to talk to. There’s something I just have to get off my chest, and everyone else probably couldn’t take it.” Anon expelled.

You squint your lime-green eyes at him, “And just why do you think I’d like to hear anything from the likes of you?” you sneered at him. Anon wasn’t a unicorn, or a pony for the matter. These creatures were the types you made fun of, not sip coffee with.

“Dunno man, you’re like the only dude I’ve seen here in horsey village besides Applejack’s brother. And I certainly can not tell this to him.” Anon replied.

This intrigued you. A story that he couldn’t tell a mare, or even the Princess’s friends? “Alright Anon, I guess you can ramble about whatever it is to me.” You snidely remark.

And so Anon recalled the entirety of his first day of Ponyville to you.

You are still Golden Badge, but now you have a massive erection.

Anonymous told you in full detail about what he accidentally did the Princess and her student. Everything. Even the gross parts. Celestia almighty, the things ponies would pay just to try what Anon did unknowingly.

You tried your hardest to conceal your rigid cock from Anon, the head pushing up against the flimsy metal table. The table started tilting towards Anon, but he was tall enough to not even notice it moving. “Hot damn,” Anon breathed as he stretched back, “that felt really good to get out. Thanks Badge.”

You couldn’t even reply right now, your eyeballs were popping out of your skull, but luckily your dark as buck shades covered it up for you. You hadn’t bust a nut in over a month, all thanks to Sheathed September. But this was it. “I was doing so well…” you softly cried to yourself. Anon’s bucking crazy story set you over the edge, your brain flooded with him violating the Princess with those weird claws on the end of his hoof. You could tell you were about to burst at any second.

“Welp, thanks a bunch Golden. I feel so much better actually talking out with a friend.” Anon beamed. “I guess Twinkle was right with all that friendship shit.” He muttered to himself. Anon stood up, still unaware of the tilted table beneath him. “You’ve been a good bro, so…” Anon began as he reached towards you.

Anon’s hand made direct contact with your golden mane and plaster white ear. The instant he began scratching, you couldn’t hold anything else in. A downpour of sticky strands flood from your horsecock, coating the underside of the table and the dirty cobblestone below.

Your tongue lolls out as you push into Anon’s hand, eagerly wanting more. Anon just chuckles to himself, unknowing of the marshmallow-y mess you were currently making. A deep and warm feeling made itself known from your horn. “Sweet Celestia nooooo….” you moan out before erupting your horn all over his shirt.

“Son of a bitch! Not my Ralph Lauren classic polo!” Anon shouted out loud. He stopped the head pats to hastily wipe your concentrated magic off his apparently expensive shirt. The lime-green goo soon found itself stuck to his hand, and the way Anon was eyeing it really didn’t sit well with your conscious. Anon turned his head towards you, and merely asked “It’s… it’s not gay right?”

“Whhhaaa?” you simply gargled out. Anon just shrugged and licked the discharge off in one pass of his mouth. That was apparently the incorrect answer. The ponies around you watching the entire event had either fainted or were watching the oblivious Anon ingest your horn spunk with some serious lust.

“Yo, holy shit!” Anon exclaimed, “This tastes just like cherry limeade!” You just watched in horror as he tells everypony around you what you taste like. You’d be turned on, just you already blew a massive load on the floor and Anon was, in fact, a guy.

Soon enough a crowd of ponies were flocking to the scene, and multiple began shouting out. “Trixie will pay 50 bits for you to do that!” said one uptight unicorn. “I’ll pay you 100!” said another. “200!” said a third.

Anon put on his big manly human voice and addressed the crowd. “Alright, alright wait just a fuckin’ second. Jesus.” He took a second to actually form a coherent thought. “Everyone line up! Pay what you want, but if I hate the flavor, you get no more.”

Unlicensed head pats, belly rubs, and horn jobs were technically illegal in Equestria, but you were too incapacitated to restrain Anon, plus, you were a receiver of a head pat and you would quite be a hypocrite to do so.

Anon pulled up couple chairs and formed a makeshift bench for his clientele. The bucker is so big it took 5 chairs just to make a suitable area for him. He sat down and looked at the first mare in line. “So, who’re you miss?” He asked her. “I am the Great and Powerful Trixie! And I would like a horn touch please….” She trailed off, obviously embarrassed to receive something so lewd out in public.

“ONE HORN JOB! CHOO CHOO!” Anon shouted out loud. Trixie’s light blue coat basically turned purple with her blush. “Just teasin’” he smirked at her. Anon gripped the base of her pastel blue horn and began to slowly rub one out. He equated it to just jacking himself off, and the fact he was getting paid for this made it so much less awkward for him.

“Good god, am I just a glorified pony prostitute?” Anon whispered to himself quietly.

Trixie craned her big ol’ pony head towards Anon, trying to look him in the eye. “Trixie doesn’t care what you are, just keep going~” she moaned. Anon took the queue, and began sliding his hand faster and faster, eager to finish off Trixie to get to his other customers waiting in line.

So many different musks were littering your snout, you were certain your brain would go into sexual overdrive. Anon could tell too as he pulled his shoes off as set them somewhere high up. “Golden! Be a dear a grab some buckets and some towels!” Anon yelled over at you.

Gaining feeling in your body once again, you looked over to Anon and just yelled at him. “Buck you, you lanky bucker! I should turn you in for all of this!” Deciding you actually should follow through, you charged up your horn to fire a bolt of incapacitating magic at him. Anon was too busy jacking off Trixie to even notice you, so this was your chance to strike.

The bright green magic left your horn and shot directly toward Anon’s head. It collided, then simply bounced right off. Anon looked up for as second, looked around, shrugged, and resumed finishing off Trixie. Defeated, you turned tail to walk back to the station and stepped right a puddle that spread itself from beneath all the mares waiting for Anon’s treatment.

“Oohh~ Trixie is s-so close!” she yelled out loud.

“Ah shit man,” Anon asked out loud. “How am I supposed to harvest your horn stuffs?”

“S-suck Trixie’s horn~” she offered.

Anon took a second to think about this. Just kidding, he didn’t. He slid Trixie deeper into his lap and stuffed her horn directly into his mouth. Right then, Trixie couldn’t handle it, and released the raw magic down Anon’s gullet.

Trixie let out an insane moan right before slumping into Anon’s chest. The group of mares watched with pure bliss, many leaking profusely and sporting rather erect wings.

“Oh fuck yeah!” Anon shouted. “You taste like blue raspberry! You definitely get to come back for more.” Anon moved the sack of bits from the light blue mare to the side and set Trixie down so she could regain proper motor function. “All right,” Anon called out, “who’s next?”

You are Anon, newly minted man-slut extraordinaire, rubber of pony bellies, massager of wings, connoisseur of ear scratches and glorious headpats, but most importantly, chief of illicit hornjobs. You new pal Golden Badge looked upset about something, probably that you weren’t sharing your recently acquired harem of mares with him. Honestly, he just should have asked, servicing all these mares was proving to be quite troublesome, and only a handful of them were even unicorns too, so you had the whole horn biz down.

But even after 8 unicorns and a boatload of other mares satisfied, the ever-expanding pile of cuddles was starting to grow tiring in your magic soaked mind. You’ve already made a hefty sum of these “bits” pleasing all the ponies, but hot damn you’re just out of it right now. You did fulfil your original goal, that being you finding more flavors of sparkly horse magic, and just about all of them were great. Trixie was the best flavor so far; blue raspberry is the god amongst all flavors and you’re sure nothing can beat it.

Just about every flavor was amazing. Two of the unicorn mares that were in line tasted like bubblegum and strawberry. One fucker had the audacity to come to the fuck bench with her stupid dark brown magic. You were hoping for a sweet chocolate, but surprise! It’s fucking off-brand coca cola. Like you go to Wal-Mart and find this Diet Dr. Thunder shit. It was terrible. You still swallowed it all anyway since she paid you good money for all that jazz.

Deciding that you had earned your fair share today, you began to move your pile of sleepy mares to uncover your massive burlap sack of these so-called bits. They looked like solid gold coins, which just proves how good of a man-whore you are. After digging through for your treasure, none other than your landlord Twilight strolled into the food district. She turned to look at you, then to the pyramid of ponies next to you. Her adapt mind then pieced the two large puzzle pieces in front of her near instantly.

“Anonymous! Just what do you think you’re doing out here?!” she barked out at you.

“Uhhh, making friends?” you outright lie to her.

“Nice try Anon, but I can smell the sex from here. It bucking reeks! Sweet Celestia, just how many of them did you buck?” she shouted out at you.

“Surprisingly none of them,” you respond to her. “I just gave all my new friends here to horn massages and belly rubs! They really liked them, and a lot of them tipped me too!” You had to play the idiot here, so you gleamed at her, hoping that you could make her buy the lie.

“Anon I’m not stupid. I know that you know what you’re doing. You even did it to me-” Twilight froze on the spot. A simple slip of information had your whole cuddle pile looking in awe at her. Soon enough they were all chatting amongst themselves about the revelation.

“Wow! We were serviced by somepony who did the Princess!”

“This is such a privilege!”

“Trixie can’t believe Sparkle was first…”

“This still isn’t gay right?”

While the collective conglomerate of pony kept embarrassing Twilight, you nabbed your bag of coin and free wheeled it on outta there. However, outta there was right back at the castle. The coin bag was actually really fucking heavy, and slinging it over your shoulder like you were the fucking Hamburglar wasn’t doing any wonders to your already sore muscles. You reached the glossy quartz steps and pounded on the fucking huge ass doors hoping Starlight or that Spike kid would let you in.

Like 10 seconds after beating the shit out of the door, the deadbolt behind clicked and the massive doors swung open. In the middle of the foyer was none other than Twilight, cheating her way home with her stupid god powers. “Gah, fuck.” You pouted at her.

“Just exactly what was that out there Anon!” Twilight exploded out at you, “Do you not understand how completely ILLEGAL what you did was? There is a strict ruleset when it comes to administered pleasure to ponies! You can’t just sit on a bench and rub tummies to your heart’s content!” She took a second to huff in some air, shouting sure is hard after all. “Sweet hay Anon, do you know what the punishment for that sort of commodity is?”

You merely shook your head at her, the answer not in your own grasp, yet it was so close.

“The time for the crime,” Twilight began, “a WHOLE week in the prison.” She shot daggers into your soul with her stupid giant horse eyes. “No pony has come out the same from there, and their sentences are usually only a day or two. Only the most heinous crimes reach a length like that.”

“Wait a fuck, a week? Shit man with all this bank I’m making that seems completely worth it.” You weren’t even fazed by Twonkel’s super spooky pony jail story. Jail back home was super duper intense, this shit sounded like kindergarten. “Anyhoo, you said something about rules for all this jazz? Gimme the rule book and I’ll be the toppest tier belly rubber in the entirety of Horse Dimension!”

Twilight still looked real fuckin’ mad at you, her whole spiel on jail basically wasted on your ears. But her gaze shifted to one of an upset yet smug contemplation. “You know what, fine. If you can manage to get this right I won’t be on your back about it. But if you get arrested I’m not posting bail for you.” She turned and just about screamed down the hall, “SPIKE! GRAB THE EQUESTRIAN BUSINESS GUIDELINES VOLUMES FOURTY-FIVE THROUGH FIFTY-SIX!”

Moments later the little purple abomination waddled in carrying a giant stack of thick leather books. “Wait, leather? How the shit do the ponies get leather?” you think to yourself. “Is there some mass amount of eugenics that I’m unaware of?” Your quick line of thought was broken with the massive thud of heavy ass books slamming the cold floor beneath you.

“Alright bitches, time to book!” you exclaim outwardly to the present company. “I’ll be the best business man here in Pony Land and just fuckin’ watch me do it!” You leaned down and grabbed the bound instructions to be a local god and took off to your room somewhere hidden amongst all the other rooms in the castle.

It turns out you made a wrong turn and got yourself real lost amidst the thousands of doors. Even with your door being a bit taller than the others, you’re really going to start hating doors here soon enough. Something a bit less than an hour passed after you located the slightly bigger door that held your bland ass room. You threw down the bound books and admired the room you were graciously gifted.

Over the days you spent in it you had gathered a few knickknacks from Twilight’s other friends and used them to decorate your place. You got a multitude of winged pony posters from Rainbow Dash, who explained all about the ‘Wonderbolts’ in detail that’d get Twilight wet. You didn’t object, but you wanted some big tiddie anime girls to hang up since no one here would understand what they even were.

Rarity was cool enough to get you some new duds, since the previous ones were stained beyond belief. You lied and told her it was apple juice but you’re pretty sure that she could smell the stains when you entered the weird tent house. Anyway, she insisted that she make them, and you could repay her later with “other means.” If gossip got around, you knew exactly what that meant and weren’t sure if you’d fuck her for clothes.

Her other pals had sent over various trinkets, but the top of the list was Pinks. You two were going to be the greater-est of friends, at least that’s how she said it. Her always-set-to-eleven personality really bothered you at first, but after a bit, you were able to make references that no one else but her were able to understand. You honestly weren’t sure how, but someone to be abruptly silly with helped ease your apathetic spirit. She constantly sends over sweets and baked goods that just about make you cream yourself. Turns out she was what made the entire kitchen pink that day you showed up.

Still with friends fresh in your brain, you had met many of the townsponies walking around with Pinkie. She insisted on introducing you to everyone, so they wouldn’t be frightened of you. Turns out most were wary, but none were outright scared of you. You decided to have a word with Starlight later on about that. You hadn’t diddled any of Twilight’s friends, or anymore of the townsfolk (yet), mainly since Twi wanted to keep all your biz secret. It wouldn’t be all illegal and shit like Twankle said if they’re consenting, and in their own home hopefully.

But that’s why you’re in your crystalline room. To learn you somethin’ good about horsefucking! With a constant bass drone crossed with the THX theme constantly playing in the back of your conscious, you peeled open the first business-law-book-thing and got your ass to reading.

“Ohohoho dude, it’s a book!” said brain. “You haven’t fucked with one of these in a while!”

“Shuddup brain. Get to absorbing all this good book juice.” You command to your subconscious.

Your eyes scanned each tea-stain colored page, taking more and more information to help you avoid the slammer and make some sweet dosh. Lots of papers and permits were required to make sure you ran a legitimate business and it looked like you need a place to operate. From at least what you know, purchasing a venue to fuck horses might cost a pretty penny. But you know what doesn’t cost just about anything? A shoddily nailed wooden booth with crudely painted letters.

And that’s exactly what you did. The local fillies weren’t happy with you stealing their lemonade stand spot, but that’s prime real estate bitch. First come first serve and all that biz. You stepped back to admire the splinter filled sign that resided on top of the wooden beams. “Anon’s Headpat HQ” was sloppily painted out in white, with a multitude of nails holding everything together. This massive pile of wood was basically a timebomb, and you were certain that the title sign would fall down and send nails flying across the plaza. Oh, and it took you a week to figure out how to use an Equestrian hammer. You weren’t going to ask Twilight for help, and since you couldn’t interact with magic shit all too well, it felt like you were slapping nails with a pillow every time you used it. So, you bashed the hell out of the nails with a rock. Way to go Mr. Caveman.

Aside from that, a small silver bell and a professional looking briefcase sat on top of the smooth desk surface, which was actually the desk Twilight put in your room, but you couldn’t properly make a desk, so you just pulled it out into the town.

Below that was your list of services and the accompanying prices. So far you only had 5: headpats, ear scritches, wing massages, belly rubs, and horn jobs. You pulled over the office chair you stole from a closet and a couple benches from the café and BAM! You had a sweet ass business.

Everything was ready to go. You kicked your feet up on the desk, interlaced your otherworldly fingers behind your head, and waited for the customers to rack up. And wait you did. It took fifteen minutes for any ponies to even glance at your shack, and another good thirty before a familiar light blue pastel pony showed her way up to the stand.

“Haha! It is I! The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie!” She introduced, once again. “Golly Anon, Trixie looked all over the food court for you! Trixie requires another helping of those ‘hands’ you so graciously give.” Christ this mare and the third person references. She lowered her snout to read the black painted prices on the front of the desk. “Anon, Trixie thinks you’re selling yourself short here. These prices are absurdly low!”

You really didn’t get the whole sense of economics here in Horseville. Sure, the first time you did all this biz you had an entire robber sack of bits, but those were what those ponies wanted to pay you: just tips for services rendered. Like honestly, how do you price a bellyrub? You understand nothing. You’ve bought absolutely nothing with your mass amounts of bits yet. Twilight just buys all the groceries for y’all, you have no clue what even a fucking carrot would cost you here.

“Aight ya baby blue beauty, what do you think I should price all this?” you ask Trixie. “You’re so great and powerful, I don’t know jack shit, so how about you give me the roundabout on the works.”

“Well then Anonymous, if you insist. Trixie will gladly help you charge the perfect price for your pony petting palace. But! You must return the favor with a no-charge bellyrub!” she replied, a giddy smirk smeared over her snout.

“Aye sure that sounds fair enough,” you immediately follow with, and proceed to scoop her up into your arms without even asking her for permission.

A small “Eep!” leaves her face as you carry her over to the two benches that are all but taped together. These ponies are light as fuck, just like holding a big ol’ plushie. So, you sat down, spread your legs, and plopped her into your lap. She sat into you, like you were a human bean bag chair, and just melted into your figure. It was time to engage the belly rubbing procedures.

HANDS: PRIMED

KNUCKLES: CRACKED

ISRAEL: DESTROYED

SLEEVES: NON-EXISTANT

BELLY RUBBING IS A GO!

Your dexterous fingers soon met themselves with Trixie’s light blue chest fluff, and they carefully separated the fine weave of fur, following the path of the hairs down to the root. Slowly your hands went lower and lower, meeting midway between each set of hooves. In the prime belly real estate, you flexed your middle joints, letting the tips of your fingers gently press into her stomach and scratch the itch she never knew she had. It was common for ponies’ tongues to just hang out of their mouths during intense pleasure, and now that Rarity had made you some basic ass t-shirts, you had a set of clothes that could take the whole nine yards. Her tongue (sadly not blue like everything else about her) was letting a fine rope of drool slowly take customs to gravity and finding itself plastered over her chin, chest, and rather close to your shirt. But this was no bother. An acceptable causality in the line of work.

Ove the course of a couple minutes, you let your fingers run over every explorable inch of her soft tummy, leaving no itch left unscratched. Of course, however, there was the large issue with all the mares you had ever touched. Her marehood was profusely leaking. You’d’ve thrown her off for staining your pants, but these were work jeans, and Trixie refused to take off her cape, which was conveniently soaking up any juice that ran off her drenched pussy.

“Dude. Does just a simple fuckin’ belly rub get all your horsey marbles off?” you ask in a monotone voice.

“Gllutrrghhhhh…” was what you got. It seems like her tongue just didn’t want to be a part of her body anymore. Speaking of body parts, that horn was looking mighty appetizing right now. You let the whole town know that she was your favorite flavor, and goddamn you could use some more blue raspberry in your life. The internal 4 second dilemma was over, and you knew she wouldn’t object to a free hornjob. What sane person would refuse getting the pp touch?

Hoping you wouldn’t fry her pony brain with all this pleasure, you ran your own tongue up against the length of her horn. You felt her entire body seize, her stomach becoming rigidly tight before the blue raspberry marecum smell hit your nose. An arc of it had sailed out from her and splattered across the cobblestone. If you knew how godly that smelled earlier, you might’ve taken on a more direct approach to get it. But right now, the focus was simultaneously giving a belly rub and contorting your neck to get that sweet, sweet horn spunk. It’s like you were addicted to blue raspberry and just didn’t know it at the time.

Just like last time apparently, a crowd of ponies had turned up God knows when, and when you looked to see just how far the squirt of love went, your eyes meet a dozen or so mares, and one positively blank colored unicorn. It was your pal Golden Badge, and he didn’t look so happy. That might be from the streak of marecum splashed across his shoulder, and the very acts you were committing in the public of the town square.

You excitedly waved a hand at him and shouted out ‘Heya pal!’, except you still had a mouthful of Trixie’s horn, so it sounded more like “HgeyyAUh puuhal!” Streaks of spit flew from your own mouth in his direction and he recoiled from the bioweapon you so easily produced.

“Anonymous!” Golden barked out at you. “What in the name of Celestia are you even-”

You cut him off with a raised finger. At least they understood some basic gesture you made with your hands. Trixie’s breathing was a lot more ragged now, you knew the delicious payload was here. Like before, everything in her tightened up. A loud moan not unlike any hentai you had seen came from her, and the orgasmic process began. The magic pulsated from the base of her horn, then shot directly into your eager maw. The cool and sweet flavor rushed over your senses, a feeling of tasteful euphoria washed over your being. The fizzy magic swirled over your taste buds, a feeling you were now welcome of. Leeching enough of the flavor, you swallowed at all in one gulp, feeling positively happy.

“Hot diggety damn!” you yelled out. “That’s some good fucking flavor!” Trixie was limp in your lap, so you just pushed her off onto the fuck bench. “Anyway Golden, what was it you wanted?”

The sheer look of confusion and fury was unsettling to say the least. His brow was so furrowed that the lime green of his eyes seemed to take up all the room on his expression, and anything not encompassed by that was the pink-red of what where normally his eye whites. Veins on the sides of his head had become so pronounced you stopped worrying about consequences for your business and for his own health. If his mane wasn’t already a sleek gold, you’d swear the fucker was about to go Super Saiyan.

Badge couldn’t think straight. His mind was stained with Trixie’s cum and rage. If the red in his vision wasn’t anger he definitely popped a vein somewhere. But then, with a blinding light of lime green that would make a Scout main cry, he fired off a magical spell; one designed to kill. Right at you.

You yelped, and shielded yourself, hoping the meat on your arms could save any of your internal organs and your face. What neither of you were ready for, was the spell harmlessly defecting off you into the stratosphere.

You cautiously peeled your limbs off your face to see Golden Badge look like he just pissed the bed. “Dude,” you began, “I have the paperwork for this shit.”

He just looked at you incredulously. He had nothing left on you. All he could do was yell. “BUCK YOU ANON!”

You were not one to lose a shouting match. So, you decided this was an all or nothing. “FUCK YOU BADGE!”

“BUCK YOU, YOU LANKY BITCH!”

“FUCK YOU, YOU MARSHMALLOW FAGGOT!”

“RETARDED APE!”

“YOU’RE ONE CHICKEN NUGGET SHORT OF A HAPPY MEAL!”

“Wha?” Golden coughed. Now was your chance!

“FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!” You screamed, accompanied with the most unforgivable gesture of all. The double middle finger. But with that, something sparked within you. It felt like a burp that got stuck in your throat, but in your hands. Crackling electricity formed around your knuckles and a gay magenta formed around your left middle finger. On the other hand, literally, was an all too familiar blue wrapping itself around the right finger.

In a dramatic gesture you flung out your hands for the double middle finger to reach it’s intended target. What surprised everyone involved or just watching was the twin lasers you shot out of your fingertips into Badge’s face.

Badge did a sick ass backflip from the impact and landed on his stomach with a thud. His face was blackened with soot, and his shoulder still had Trixie’s cum on it. The circle of mares at the scene looked down at Badge, then back to you, still staring at your erected middle fingers.

“Holy shit,” you breathed as you looked back up to the crowd. “I’m a fuckin’ wizard y’all!”

You had to test out all this shit. Even for all the trouble you give Twilight for testing things, this wasn’t just any run of the mill science experiment she’d run on you, this way past cool. You reached out your right hand, and thrusted a pointing finger out, only for nothing to happen.

You tried a multitude of ways to reactivate your finger blast. A series of gestures or keywords had to get it going again.

“Fuck you!”

“Laser!”

“Kamehameha!”

“Imma firin’ ma lazer!”

From finger guns, to more middle fingers, nothing was working out in your favor. The initial ‘fuck you’ plus middle finger combo didn’t work again, so you reluctantly decided to go to the town’s magic expert. After you clean up of course. No reason to leave your hard work all sprawled around for any of these ponies to mess with.

With a briefcase of legal jargon tucked under your arm, you threw the conveniently placed tarp over your stand, hopped into the office chair, and kicked your way back home. The cobblestone path was rather bumpy under the hard-plastic wheels, but it was an efficient way to travel for someone who couldn’t teleport. Yet.

Throwing the chair into the brush for later use, you ascended the crystal steps up to the door. Another attempt at magic was had, but your mind wasn’t able to pull the doors open sadly enough. Instead you opted to beat the shit out of the door with your knuckles, not stopping until something opened the door for you. A mint green washed over the handle and you soon found yourself face to face with Starlight. She wasn’t as skittish as when you first met her, but she still felt wary of you.

“Starbright! Where the fuck is Twilight!” you shouted at her. She scooted back from you out of habit, but you had no time for this. “C’mon dude! There’s a goddamn magical mystery afoot!”

“Sh-She’s at a summit meeting with the other princesses,” Starlight managed to tremble out, “what kind of ‘magical mystery’ do you mean Anon?”

“I fuckin’ shot dual laser beams outta my fingers that’s what!” you shouted once again. “Whatever the hell Sprinkle is doing can wait! Tell her to get her soft purple ass over here now!”

“I c-can’t Anon, the summit meetings are specifically designed to hold the occupants within with a magic seal until proper arrangements are met. I may be a strong magic user, but not even Twilight, the Element of Magic, can break out!”

“Well, can you get us in?” you pondered to her.

“Excuse me? You just think we could easily teleport into a meeting of 4 princesses?” she deadpanned. “Anon, that meeting is sealed from the inside out. No one will get in or out. Besides, none of us can even use magic on you. It just slides or bounces off.”

Damn. She was right. There was no way for you to easily get to where ever this meeting was. “It’d take a miracle and a half for the answer to just show itself off.” You sighed.

“Did somepony say a miracle!?” A third voice entered in, resonating somewhere near your waist. And in your waist, it was. Lo and behold, Pinkie’s entire head was protruding from your right pocket. “Look Nonnie, I can get you both in, but you have to Pinkie promise to keep your eyes completely shut for the next 2 minutes and 23 seconds! And don’t question it! Ever!”

Accepting what the fuck was going on, you held out your last finger. The pinky. “Ok Pinks, you don’t, um, have pinkies. How the fuck do we-WHAT THE FUCK!” Pinkie had blown so hard into her hoof that a couple of balloon-like appendages protruded from said hoof.

“Since ponies don’t have hands like you Nonnie, I had to settle with a crazy set that ended up with a cupcake in my eye!” she gestured like there was in fact a cupcake in her hoof going into her eyeball. “This really makes this the most truest Pinkie Promise ever!”

You awkwardly gripped the sausage-like finger with your own pinky, and you both shook on it after. “Alright Nonnie! Shut those peepers! You too Starlight!” Pinkie left your pocket and enveloped you and Starlight into a tight hug. Your hands covered your eyes, not allowing you to see what the fuck was going on, and to not break your promise. Suddenly the floor gave way from under you and the air around dropped 30 degrees (in freedom units you commie fuckers.) A split second later talking could be heard across the… well where ever the fuck you guys were.

“Okiedokie Anon! You can open your eyes!” Pinkie chirped.

“That didn’t feel like 2 minutes and whatever you said earlier Pinkie, just what bullshittery do you think—” she placed a hoof on your face.

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhut the buck up. You promised to not question it.” She whispered.

“Ok, fair point.”

Around you were, again, more fucking tall ass walls, with ceilings so far away it was just like Twilight’s castle. The floor, thank christ it wasn’t crystal, was a sleek tile checkerboard, like something you’d see in a 50’s kitchen. Gold trim ran rampant across the pale white walls, equally littered with columns to support this architectural nightmare.

Right next to you three was a giant, and you really mean it, a giant fucking golden door, and you knew just how to enter it with style.

Knock na na knock knock, knock- KASLAM!

You three all kicked the shit out of the door, which swung open into the main room. Stained glass windows decorated all of the sides of the foyer, and a majestic long-ass red carpet weaved from the door all the way to be what looked like a pair of thrones. And sitting on and around those thrones where the 4 princesses of Equestria.

Fun fact, the other 3 princesses had never seen you before. So, Twilight was the one to speak up while the others gawked at you from afar. “How, pray tell, did you three get here.” Twilight asked a calm as she could, keeping from exploding into chunks in front of the other princesses. “This entire floor was warded off. Every form of entry should have been denied, and you Anon! You can’t even teleport here! HOW!!”

You merely pointed down. “Pinks did it,” The pink pony was relentlessly trying to crawl under the carpet, hoping to escape whatever punishment would be doled out.

“Figures.” Twilight sighed, already giving up knowing Pinkie broke through Equestria’s most advanced warding spell with ease. “Might as well use this to slide into the next topic,” she grumbled. She turned back to the three staring alicorns. “Everyone, this is Anonymous. The alien who crash landed in Equestria and who has been living in my castle for the last 3 weeks. He is incredibly tall, crass, and annoying. He somehow speaks our language and is completely null to magic effects.” He kept a deadpan expression for all the explanation. “He currently has a job doing Celestia knows what to ponies for large amounts of bits, and that’s probably why he violated another thousand rules to see us today, isn’t it Anon?”

“Haha, no lol Twinkle. I followed those to a T. However, something else has arisen from all the fun I keep having.” You replied. “I managed to shoot magic lasers out of my fingers. And I can’t seem to do it again, so I need your help.”

Those sentences hit Twilight like a wagon full of bricks. “You… magic???” she weakly puffed out. “Want… help… from me?” Twilight began to hyperventilate, a full-on panic attack about to set in.

A white wing gently rested over Twilight’s back, which snapped her out of the stress induced trance. Princess Celestia took by her side, looking down into her eyes. “Twilight,” she began in a motherly tone, “It seems your friend needs your own guidance in the arts of magic. He obviously trusts you to take the effort to come here. I’ve seen the work you make with the younger unicorns, and Anonymous here should be no exception.”

“You’re right Celestia, if I can teach hundreds of foals basic magic, I can easily teach Anon!” she piped. She turned back to him, but he wasn’t in the same spot he was of 4 seconds ago. “Oh sweet hay where is he.”

You were now at the thrones with dark blue horse and other pink horse. Twilight was with white horse talking about feelings or something gay, so you wandered into the conversation of the other princesses. Dark Blue here was pretty tall. You only had to tilt your head down a tad to look into her giant eyes. ‘Now Anon’ you think, ‘what would be the best course of action to introduces ourselves as?’ They already heard everything about you from Twilight, how else where you to start up a conversation?

“Sooo…. What’s your name Dark Blue?” you inquired towards her.

“Are thou serious? You are unknown to thine own name? Has Sparkle not taught thou the names of her fellow Princesses?” she replied, clearly confused from your lack of knowledge.

“Keep it up and I’m just going to keep calling you Dark Blue. Just tell me your name, christ…” you groan out.

Sensing your impatience, she replied with an actual answer. “We are known as Luna! Princess of the Night!”

“There ya go Luna, weren’t so hard was it?” You were going to give this mare an ear scratch for… iunno, I guess you just wanted to. If you’re the only fucker with hands around here, you should probably use em’. You pulled a hand around to the side of Luna’s head, only for her ears to fold back and her eyes to shrink and display caution. A deep blue magic tried to move your hand away, but she was to busy staring at you when Twilight was explaining that you apparently have anti-magic shit going on.

Hand to ear, deploying in T-minus 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

Your hand made contact with her ear, and you began to gently scratch around. All the worry in her eyes disappeared, a small disconnected smile forming on her lips. “Who’s a fluffy pony princess?” you cooed at her, still scratching.

“We- We are…” she breathed, slowly melting into a pile of princess putty. Suddenly she snapped back to reality, quickly pulling her head away from your hand. “By thine own Stars! No stallion has ever displayed such forwardness unto Royalty!” She shouted.

Twilight rushed over to the two of you looking like you had killed the president. “Anon stop! You don’t understand what you’ve done!” she basically screamed at you.

“Whadda ya mean Twi? I’ve given scritches to everyone. How is Luna any different?”

She leaned in closer to whisper in your ear. “Luna’s mind is fickle. Ever since she returned from her banishment, she still hasn’t exactly caught up on customs!”

You two looked over at Luna, who was clearly comprehending some serious shit right now. “So? What could have possibly changed in 1000 years involving someone scratching a fucking ear?” you whispered back.

“Well—” she began, but you didn’t have time for this shit. You addressed her in a normal voice again. “Looksy here Spankle, we’re getting off topic. I shot magic, and I want to it again. Teach me.”

“Bu- uh- well… I mean after some encouragement from Celestia, I do think I can teach you Anon. But don’t think it’s just going to be a cake walk.”

Both Celestia and Pinkie looked up. “Did someone say cake walk?” they replied simultaneously.

“Celestia’s the white one, right?” you whisper again.

“Yes Anon. And it’s Princess Celestia. She’s main ruler of this place you know.” She corrects.

“Aight, glad we’re all caught up. Now let’s skedaddle. Luna is looking at me funny.” You reply.

“That’s why I ran over here Anon. This one’s on you.” She nonchalantly replied.

“What do you mean on me—” you were cut off by a thunderous exclamation from the navy-blue princess only 2 feet away.

“SIR ANONYMOUS! WE HATH CONSIDERED THY PROPOSOTION AND SHALL ACCEPT GRACEFULLY!” she bellowed in what would be known as the ’Royal Canterlot Voice’. “NO STALLION OF ANY SORT HATH DISPLAYED SUCH ADVANCES FOR OVER A MILLENIA! AND FOR THAT WE ACCEPT THY HOOF IN MARRIAGE!”