Author's Note

It only took so long to get this out because I kept playing minecraft. Thanks to every one of you for being patient.

Holy Maretrimony

A fleeting sense of power in your legs. Ringing in your ears. Weird colorful horses in your vision. What the fuck happened and why is everything getting blurry? Wait, why’s the ground getting so clo-

A seemingly endless black void stretches throughout your field of view, nothing else to capture your attention. A rising sense of dread starts to overcome you, but rational thinking keeps it back for the moment. Panicking is a bad choice right now, fucking hell what would Purple Horse do right now, that isn’t variable testing? She’d probably be calm and ask questions before finally breaking down. Worth a shot you guess.

**

“Welcome Anons and Anonettes, to the Wheel of Personality! I’m your host, TV-Host Personality Anon! Seems the main guy in charge had some sort of overload and short circuited the ol’ melon! So today, per regulations of the current governing body, whoever selected for this quarter’s wheel has the chance to take over!” A ruggedly handsome looking version of Anon donned in a two piece tux looks out over his audience. A hundred or so of the true Anon’s personality traits sit in a studio house looking on in anticipation of the rare wheel spin. To the side of Host Anon sat a comically large wheel with six distinct panels. “This quarter, six lucky personalities have the chance to deem themselves the ruler of the subconscious and control all the other aspects!” On the wheel sat the names of the six personality traits. Meek, brutal, emotionally challenged, cynical, analytical, and joyous. “Well folks, after the state mandated break, we’ll be back to spin this wheel!” Host Anon shouts, the hundreds of other Anon’s clapping and cheering.

**

Where the fuck are you? You know nothing of where you are or how you got here. What the hell happened? Something involving teleporting with Pinks, and now nothing. Christ, are you dead?! It’s too moderately temperate to be Hell, and too fucking dark to be Heaven. You’ll settle on Purgatory right now. Stay calm Anon, don’t fret. No need to fret yet at least. You can’t see jack shit around you, but your clothes emit a soft glow to let you know you’re not a disembodied voice. Wait, glowing clothes? Since when did you own a bitchin’ wizard get-up? It’s all decked out in gold stars against a blue robe. Sweet. Other than that, there’s no sounds, no points of reference, nothing.
Might as well walk. And that you did. Only after wandering the dark for minutes did you hear a faint noise; was that cheering? Walking towards the source led you to what looked like a game show studio set. What the fuck. Who records shit all the way out here in fucking dark town?
Getting closer to the set, the faint cheering is now all that you can hear, the applause ringing throughout this empty void. Before you lies a simple door, gray like the rest of the set, but without a doorknob. From beyond the intangible walls, a silky smooth voice rang out. It was familiar, like something you yearned to have. “And welcome back ladies and gentlemen! We hope you purchased a lovely accessory from tonight’s sponsor! With the end of our break, it’s time to spin the Personality Wheel!” the gorgeous voice spoke out.
Wait a fuck, a personality wheel? What kind of garbage ass game show is this? Nothing for miles and this is all they could come up with? You need to have a word with them.
“Who’ll be the lucky Anon to take over it all?! Lets! Spin! This! Wheel!” the voice shouted, and the clickety clack of a plastic hand running over short prongs filled the air in the room, the crowd going silent.
Lucky Anon? That’s you! You gotta take it over! Fuck yeah! You pushed against the door, but it didn’t budge. Undeterred, you took a step back and put more force into your shove. Still, the door stood in place. Now you’re getting pissed off. Just like the internet said, you gotta kick near the lock. But this fucker doesn’t even have a doorknob. No matter to you, so with a swift kick to the middle of the door, nothing happened. Again.
Now you’re really mad. No one or no thing is going to stop you from being the lucky winner! You positioned yourself optimally, and kicked as hard as you could. Nothing.
“God FUCKING DAMNIT!” you screamed at the door. “FUCKING.” you shouted again, “OPEN!”
A burst of magic shot from your hands, and impacted the door with a really fucking loud, but colorful explosion. You smirked, and walked through the doorway, masked by smoke and feeling real cool about getting magic to work again.
When the smoke dissipated, what you witnessed didn’t help to explain any of the last few minutes. Everyone in the room was you. But not exactly you. Most had different clothes than what you’d normally wear, or some minor change to them. Longer or shorter hair, the resting bitch face, the air or confidence wasn’t present for many, and more.
Every Anon variant was staring at you. The silky voiced Anon seemed to be the one on stage with you, evident of the slim microphone in his grasp and the stellar black tuxedo he was donned in. “Alright son, no need to interrupt the wheel,” TV Host Anon began, “just go back to your seat and wait for the result.”
“Result? I’m Anon! I’m here to take it all over!” you asked confused. He just looked at you and laughed.
“Ah, haha, I see. You’re one of the newest creations here. Son, we’ll ALL Anon here. Something’s real wrong with the chain of command to keep creating us personalities, so this here’s the way we determine who’s next when the Anon in charge blacks out too hard or experiences something he can’t take.” TV explained.
Christ that’s scary. Have you been making multiple you’s in your brain? Wait! You’re in your brain! You have total control over this dominion!
“Looksy here pal.” you start, “I don’t know what wacko scenario the ol’ brainerator came up with, but I’m just gonna have to stop you all right here.” Surely in the most manly power move you could manage, you grabbed the wheel and tore it from the wall. Everyone in the room gasped. Reaching into your hella slammin’ wizard robes, you pulled a black marker out of it. Your brain, your rules ya know? You then proceeded to scribble out every one of those dumbass personalities, and simply wrote “Fuckin’ Awesome Wizard” over them.
The magic felt normal now, maybe that’s because you had cool robes, or the fact you actually had a beard this entire time. Didn’t feel like acknowledging it earlier, but you honestly like it. Feeling the magic course through your veins, your finger lit up, and you picked up the wheel in a telekinetic grasp. Fuckin’ natural. Suck on that Twilight.
You placed the wheel in its original place, and gave it a comedic spin. Surely enough, it landed on one of your newly printed labels. “Suck on that you good looking bitch!” you remarked to TV. A heavenly beam of light poured into from the inky void, sourced from what appeared to be a trapdoor pulled open. It enveloped you, and a recognizable tone spoken out. “What up faggot?” you spoke out. But not you, you. The real you. Long fluffy hair, an unreadable face, exquisite plaid overshirts, and some worn out jeans. You reached out to yourself from the hole in the sky, and hosted yourself up into a control room.
Confusing ain’t it? You’ve actually been Wizard Anon this entire time. Your brain manipulation? Nah, man, just the power of plot magic, and real magic to be honest. But now, you’re the real Anon. The big man in charge. The big boss.
You looked at your wizardly portrayal of yourself. “Ready to get this dumbass booted up? I crashed this meat machine and I think I really need a co-pilot now. I think a slammin’ wizard me will fit the bill just nicely. Can’t go around fucking everything up without a handy dandy co-pilot to save my ass.”
Wizard you agreed to join, and sat down at the control panel. You joined him and strapped into the cushy office chair. A big red button labeled “REBOOT” started to emit a harsh red glow. A key was turned, and you slammed down onto it.
******
“Is he supposed to be frothing Twilight?” Luna asked to you.
“I don’t know! He’s a one of a kind! I haven’t had time to study him in that way yet!”
you panicked. “I doubt that he’s too different from ponies, BUT FROTHING ISN’T GOOD!” you broke down, for more reasons than one. Your horsebando was now violently foaming at the mouth, and a superior princess just agreed to marry him! This was not good at all! No more head pats, no more late night creeping on him, no sexual touching!
Hyperventilating was all you could do. Your eyes were bulging out of our head. Everything was taking a turn for the worse. ‘What did Anon do in these times?’ you thought. He was always relaxed, too relaxed most of the time, but still. There it is. His methods. How could you ever forget what he said? You took a few deep breaths, letting the air fill your lungs.
“FUUUUUUUUUCK!” you screamed in the Royal Canterlot Voice. That really hit the spot. No wonder Anon swears like this, it’s way more relieving.
However now, all the ponies present in the room are staring at you. Note that was only ponies, Anon is still convulsing on the ground gargling out foam. You blushed sheepishly, forgetting you were in the company of the two rulers of Equestria, even if you were a princess yourself.
“Wowie Twilight! You sounded just like Anon!” Pinkie exclaimed. “A little too much, if you ask me.” Starlight piped in.
“Blughtgntkbbppbpbp” Anon replied, but not really. The foam was compounding around and out of him at an alarming rate. How he hadn’t died from choking to death was amazing.
“Does anyone have some sort of an idea right now? Magic is a bust and it looks like we’re more likely to drown in his spittle before he finishes!” you ask out.
“Ooh ooh ooh! Me me me me me! I have a super idea Twilight!” Pinkie exclaimed hyperactively. She bounced over like a well shaken soda can and landed directly on Anon’s chest.
“KBLARK” was the sound Anon made, shooting a fountain of froth over Pinkie. “Ewie ew! I’m covered in Nonnie’s not good white stuff!” she whined. “This’ll take forever to get the smell out, yucky!”
‘You bucking what Pinkie?!” you shouted. “Did you buck Anon under my nose you hyperactive whorse?!”
“What? No silly! Anon just makes reallllllly good cheesecake frosting! We made cakes a week ago!” Pinkie replied. “Besides Twilight, you didn’t even claim him! Princess Luna just did!”

That big blue bucker believes that she knows how to even start to care for Anon?! She’s known about him for less than an hour and they’re engaged! Anon might’ve only lived with you for only a hoofful of weeks, but that’s more than her! Should you have stopped Anon when he went for the ear scratch? He had no clue what it meant, but neither did anyone else in the room. You only knew from the hundreds of equine traditions books you read to not feel like a lonely sack of shit.

Hearing her name, Luna stepped over to her new fiancée’s sprawled corpse. “Sparkle, what was the accursed word thou spoke that thine Anon repeats?” She asked to you.
“Uhh, fuck?” you replied to the dark blue moon horse.
“Very well then. Everypony, cover thy ears.” Luna looked down at Anon and quickly inhaled. “ANONYMOUS! WAKETH THE FUCK UP!” she bellowed in the completely OP voice.
“AHHHHHHHHH! I HAVE RETURNED FROM THE GRAVE TO GIVE THE LIVING HAIRCUTS!” Anon screamed while achieving perfect rigidity in his lower back. He shot up like Pinkie on crack and just wouldn’t stop shouting. “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! I WAS ON TV! WIZARDS! MINIATURE VERSIONS OF ME PILOT THIS MEAT SUIT! FUCK! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!” He collapsed back down into his foam pile, but now no longer expelling anymore of that foul substance. Dude needs to brush his teeth.
Cadence, who couldn’t comprehend the current conundrum, cautiously cantered over to your crowd. The poor mare hadn’t spoken a single word since Anon barged in. “Should… should we move him somewhere… not covered in his own spittle?” she asked all of you.
“Yes, that plan sounds quite fine.” Luna responded, electing to grab Anon’s pant leg with her teeth and began to drag him across the floor towards the wide open, towering doors. Thankfully he wasn’t dead. Your only source of conformation was the steady rise and fall of his chest and the quiet mumbles and grumbles that passed from his lips as the Lunar Diarch dragged him to a guest room.
“Ahohmyouf ifh quih heafy!” Luna said through the tough denim sandwiched between her teeth. A bit of pulling led the group of mares and the KO’d dumbass to the guest room, where Luna then elected to spin around and fling Anon onto the small pony sized bed. Unfortunately, beds are made in mind for light pony folk, so you all watched Anon carreen through the air and smash that bed into dust.

“Heavens above! Anonymous!” Luna shrieked while dashing to his ragdolled body. “Fuck thee fuck thee fuck thee, what hath we done?”
***

Whoa ho ho! It’s Anonymous time! Now fully functional, you cracked your eyes open. Sure, you’ve only been out for a minute or two since the Blueberry Queen screamed in your ear, but now somehow you’re upside-down and in a pile of wood and... mattress pieces? Did you already have bed-shattering sex while you were unconscious? Damn, you wished you were awake for that. You’re getting married anyway, nothing too bad’ll happen if you fuck right now. Oh yeah, getting married. You actually fainted like some soap opera retard.

You now fully opened your eyes. The party of six that were in the throne room seemed to have moved you to... somewhere else. It’s upside-down however, so the rest of your vision seems to be rather dark blue.

“We? I hope that’s your old time-y talking Princess, we didn’t do anything!” Pinkie chirped out. You rolled your eyes upward to make out the other five ponies watching you and Luna. Cadence and Celestia looked at Luna while simply shaking their heads.

“If it’s any consolation,” you started, opting to just flop to your side, “it feels like someone cracked every piece of my spine and I feel as limber as a twelve year old Asian girl forced to do gymnastics.”

“By the stars! You’re alright Anonymous!” sighed Luna.

“Well I mean, yeah. I checked out like a little bitch, but that’s the brunt of it. Maybe a lil mental trauma from the hallucinations, but go off I guess.” you replied. “And with that,” you began again, “why the fuck am I in a pile of bed?”

“We apologize Anon, but thou seem much heavier than the eye lets on to. Our... efforts were within good intention but the fact of the matter is that your heft shattered the bed to pieces.”
Luna responded to your inquiry.

“Well golly gee Shakespeare, here I thought we did the do so well we brought the bed back to its basic components.”

“Did the do? Anon, I don’t quite follow...” she paused. A creeping rush of blood ran to her snout, the deep blue slowly taking on the color of Twilight’s coat. “Anonymous!” she gasped. “How uncouth!” She giggled and smacked you gently with her hoof. “We are thousands of years old and as such we are a well traditioned mare.” She composed herself and looked out to the rest of the room. “Friends, we believe that we need some time alone with Anon to... talk, about our current situation.”

One by one the other three princesses and their friends glanced at another and shuffled out of the tattered guest room. Twilight was the last to go and flashed a somber look at you before shutting the door.

“Now then Anonymous,” Luna turned to you again. You were still slumped on your side, so you took the initiative to right yourself up, sitting right next to her. “We understand that thou were not knowing of our customs. Anypony with the gall to make such a move within mere minutes of introduction would have to be rightfully out of their mind or completely unaware of the situation they were in.”

You were now confused. “Then, what of the, uh, marriage proposal exclamation?” You inquired back.

“Anon, to be truly fair, t’was merely only a jest at thine expense. However, we did not plan for the sudden loss of thine consciousness, and the delirious screaming from thou. Anon, we meant it only to be seen as a ruse, but we... we feel something is amiss.” Dark Blue was looking right into your eyes, her own teal spheres gazing into your soul. A galaxy of stars swept through her mane as non-existent wind brushed it away idly.

“Anon, we’re reminded of a time gone by with thou. A time of little prejudice from bygone actions and one of a more hooves-on approach to life. The carefree stance you showed immediately barging through our doors make us yearn for something we’ve not had in millenia.”
A light blush crept upon her once again, still she continued to stare into your eyes. “While we may have been having a laugh in the beginning dear Anon, we... we wish to ‘get to know you’ as Celestia says. We may not like her wishes to take things slow in this age, but the matter stands my friend.”

Man, you certainly sparked something here didn’t you? Just what horsefuckery would you find yourself in if you take her up?

And just when do you ever think about risks you bumbling meat suit? You’ve defiled all of us in here already, more ponies aren’t going to harm us anymore.
‘Aha! Hello brain!’ you thought inwardly towards your everso ignored command center. ‘Sure has been a while since you spoke up!’

What the hell are you talking about? We were just- ah fuck it nevermind lad. Just keep talking to the pretty horse. You know you like her.

You take aim to think downwards a bit. ‘Heya, brain. Can you tell the good ol’ PP that he shouldn’t get his hopes up?’ You snicker at your own joke.

Fuck you. Talk to the princess.

‘Fine mom.’

“An-anon are thou ok? Thou has been making faces for the last minute and giggling at the air. We fear we may have... in-insulted thou.” Luna quivered, fearing she royally fucked up.

“Ah nah, don’t worry about me there. Just had a chat with the ol’ brain to get some ideas in line.” You just looked back towards her and smiled, your eyes closed; a bright cheery expression that couldn’t ever be marred. You reopened your eyes to once again gaze into the teal pools that take up all of your current view. “Hey Luna.” you softly spoke.

“Y-yes Anonymous?” she whispered.

“Boop.”

Your finger quickly unfolded itself from your fist and met its mark on the end of Dark Blue’s snout. She simply looked at your hand cross-eyed before the same purple hue replaced the navy blue of her coat. Her left eye was twitching. Her chest seemed to be on the verge of convulsions. A sharp breath was drawn in, her soft coat expanding, before breaking down into a fit of giggle-snorts.

“By-by my *snort* si-sister’s mane! Ahahah! Anon! Thou *snark* absolu-lute ruffian! *pffft~*” she barely managed to get out. She had fallen to her side, which put her right in front of you.

‘Damn, that didn’t work like it did on Starburst then. I guess it’s time for attempt two.’ you thought. ‘Brain. Prime the TM-2000.’

Hands are locked and loaded. Target is wide open captain.

‘Excellent. Contact in... now!’

Fingers primed, your hands met with the soft tuft of fur on her belly. A forest of deep blue seemed to simply absorb the image of your hands, but the resistance of her tummy helped remind you that one of your main advantages in this world wasn’t gone forever. Her infectious giggles were proven ineffective against you, but all sounds of joviality ceased as Luna looked up at you with wide eyes and the same purple-ish hue across her face.

“You thought you were getting bellyrubs, BUT IT WAS I! THE TICKLE MACHINE!” you shout out. Your hands began to move erratically move across the surface of the princess, your fingers adding in another layer of complexly random movement.

“Wha-hahAA~! HAha! An-Aon s-stop! Eee!” she squealed through hitched breaths.

“Never! You have made a fool of me! Now I shall repay the favor!” you jest back. You choose to not let up your relentless attack with your dexterous fingers, Luna still squirming around beneath you and laughing to her heart’s content.

Soon you found yourself feeling a tad weaker in the arms, the joints in your fingers feeling the buildup from aggressively flexing to release every giggle from Luna. She seemed almost breathless, the open smile on her face laughed silently as her chest heaved and twitched, but almost seemed painful from your relentless tickling. This was the indicator for you to finally quit your attack. The instant you let up, Luna followed suit and collapsed into a puddle of pony, quickly panting to regain air and composure.

“Anonymous we, *huff*, didn’t expect thou to be so, aggressive in your torture. Truly no mere pony could easily pin us down and destroy our will to get back up.” she said with a smirk. “Verily, it seems that thou would prefer to keep us pinned down more and more if thou could.”

“I’d say in your dreams Princess, but knowing you I have a sneaking suspicion that you’d be right in your element with them.” you retorted cheekily.

She chuckled at that, but soon found herself looking at you quizzically. “Anonymous, how’st thou know so much of us despite not even knowing our name before meeting?”

“Oh Luna,” you sighed, trying to ruffle the stars in her mane. “Do you honestly think Twilight wouldn’t lecture the history of Equestria to me like, I dunno, six times? I know all about what you guys do, but I didn’t have a face to put the name to.”

A downtrodden look quickly replaced the amused glint in her eyes hearing your response. “So thou’st knows of our... history.” she whispered out. Small beads of tears began to accumulate in those giant eyes of hers, but you weren’t having any of it.

“Do you really think, that out of all the living things on this weird ass planet, that I’d be the one to care whatever you did god knows however long ago?” Your thumb came up to her face, slowly wiping away the moisture before full on tears could appear. “To be honest,” you leaned in whispering. “It’s fuckin’ badass.” Her eyes simply widened as she focused on what you said. “You go all fuckin’ superpower mode, and take shit over. I love the kind of woman that can kick my ass.” you whisper into her ear. Luna’s ear flicks twice from the heat of your breath.

Cute.

‘Should I really do this brain?’

Goddamnit yes. Sweet sweet dopamine here we come.

“Hey Luna?” you ask again in low whisper. You lean back and cup the other side of her face with your other free hand.

“What is it Anonymous?” she whispers back, staring back at you, eyes still wide.

“Going slow is for looooosers.”

You leaned back in towards her and planted a firm kiss upon her navy blue lips. Nothing too long, but still something to get the ball rolling. That plan was then shot in the face multiple times as Luna locked her forelegs around the back of your head pulling you right back in as you went to dismount from your smooch.

“MMphh!” That was the only sound you made, the surprise only able to escape through your nose. And a surprise it was. A quick kiss was fine, but this prolonged makeout was just something else. Luna had rolled to her side, pulling you along with her. No crazy pony magic was needed, but you did help her out by flopping yourself over her. No way she’d be able to drag you like that on her own.

Do you know what a horse’s tongue is like? Well whatever it could be compared to, it was currently being jammed down your throat. You own tongue lost the battle, even with home advantage. It stood no chance against the mighty 8 inches of Luna’s mouth muscle, so you accepted your defeat here.

You both continued to lay there; arms, hooves, and mouths interlocked. The ancient ritual of swapping spit between each other seems the make the seconds feel like hours. And as those perceived hours passed, you slowly broke the session to simply ask her a question.

“How far will you let me get with this?” you asked in a low whisper. You were trying to go for alluring but since when had you ever needed to use that tone?

Luna responded in a sultry whisper. “What thoughts swirl through thine mind Anonymous? We are certainly willing to the tried and true, but if thou have a more recent approach We shall certainly let thee try.”

With permission granted, you pull yourself upright before helping Luna do the same. “Alright, there’s a serious height change from the last time I tried this, so you just sit still here.” you tell her. You take to your feet for a brief moment, just allowing you to position yourself right in front of her, the perfect position to let her muzzle rest at the same height as your stomach. “Here we are. Are you ready Princess? All you gotta do it keep it quiet when I start.”

“Whatever would we keep quiet for? We should let the world--BY ALL CREATION!” she shrieked in pleasure. You had taken the dark blue alicorn’s massive and girthy horn into your hand and had begun to trace the inset spiral travelling from her skull to the very tip. Sharp breaths and small whinnies peeped out of her mouth as my hands moved agonizingly slow up her horn, making sure to feel every inch of it. It certainly wasn’t something she had felt in forever it looked like, she looked so much like Twilight did when you first fucked up; eyes crossed and trying to roll back into her head, her massive tongue simply flopped out of her mouth and let a small strand of drool stretch itself thin finding its way to the floor with the help of gravity.

Soon you picked up speed. Instead of a slow ascent accompanied with a descent even slower, you had worked into a fluid up and down spanning the entire length of her horn in your grip. No longer did Luna out small squeaks and such; these were now moans. Deep lusty noises emanated from her throat, letting her pleasure be known to the world. Or at least to you, the raw sexual energy helping you pop a stiffy. This was the only thing to give you a boner here, besides the cycle of time itself. Certainly made mornings awkward when Twilight woke you up.

“Oh ho ho~ What do we have here?” Luna purred at you. The interjection caused you to stop jerking her off for a moment. She seemed to be adamant about getting into your pants now that el peniso made his grand appearance. Despite the wishes of the solar matriarch, not even the evil workings of a man’s button and zipper would keep Luna from getting at the prize underneath your clothing. “Lucky for us, the magic which avoids thou certainly works on thine clothing Anonymous~”

She was really taking it that far huh? You were the one who said going slow was for losers, guess you can’t complain.

After struggling to work the simple act of unbuttoning pants, Luna managed to get your jeans out of the way before huffing in annoyance. “Anon. Why must thou wear a second pair of trousers under the first. We were close to the prize beneath.”

“Hey don’t sweat it tall blue and cute. These lads slip right on down.” With one final tug your boxer briefs stretched across your thighs and your pp was known to the present company. “Luna, meet Anon Part Two: The Anonining.”

“Anonining?”

“Yeah, Anonining.”

“Tis a difficult name to pronounce.”

“Look you can call it whatever you want. Just do whatever you were going to do before.”

“Very well.”

While it’s true your peepee isn’t the greatest gift God ever made in the nine realms plus whatever this children’s book of a dimension is, it was average enough back home and now by the laws of the transitive property, it is the supreme tool here. It worked for what, two chicks? And now that the average size for something you’d be sticking your dick into has dropped incredibly, it makes your meat scepter look like you’re the top paid actor in the porno biz. With that said, your phallus bounced as the elastic from your briefs caught on the ridge of the head, rigid as all be. The spring action of your dick seemed to spook Luna, and not just because it suddenly brushed against her snout. Her fault, why’d she have to be so close?

“Ack! Thou ruffian! Thou’st dare come untoward us so quickly?” Luna barked with a smirk.

“Well I sure hope I won’t be cumming quickly. Would be quite the misfortune to be finished so soon in the presence of such a lady. You mocked with a half bow.

“Eugh. Never do that again Anon.”

“Yeah that was too far, nearly killed my boner.”

“Goodness! Well we certainly can’t have that happening,” she whispered in the same sultry tones. “These sorts of deals are always hit or miss in the circuits of time.”

“Hit or miss? I guess they never miss huh?”

You just stood there with a dumb look plastered on your face. You just stooped down to the lowest form of comedy purely for your own amusement. No one here would ever understand what utter garbage you spewed, and surely that would be for the best. Except Luna took those cursed words to heart. Also your dick to her mouth.

You can do the math. An 8 inch tongue versus... well, sadly not 8 inches, means that a certain someone was now standing on their toes from the sudden stimulation on their member. Since you’re the only one in a 500 mile radius with real toes, deductive reasoning finds that Luna’s tongue has spiraled around your cock. Call it fate, or a premonition, but Fibonacci was doing something right with that golden ratio. It had to be a perfect match of your length to Luna’s tongue to allow such immaculate spiraling, and somewhere in the stretches of the multiverse an italian and a cripple felt pride and accomplishment in your achievements. Simple bobs of her head we enough for her to let her nose continuously boop your abdomen, the wet slickness of her jaw convincing you that you actually died in the first place and this is just your own heaven. But for what reason should you hog all the bliss to yourself?

You reached your hand back out and reclaimed the massive navy pole perched between the sea of sparkles Luna calls her mane. She responded immediately with a hearty moan, the walls of her throat buzzing the hell out of your dick. Once again you resumed the pleasuring of her horn. It was like beating your meat but at a weird angle. Horns are much harder than your own dick, except for that one time you were so inexplicably aroused that you could’ve registered yourself as an 11 on the Mohs hardness scale.

Like all the other ponies, Luna seemed to be a quick shot as well. She was panting pretty heavily, probably a lack of oxygen nonetheless, but all the other signs of being close were showing up. Like every other unicorn, arcs of lightning jumped from groove to groove of her horn and small sparks were showering out to the air. Unlike any other however, was that these arcs looked huge and dangerous. The dark blue magic hopped around frantically, escaping the current of the horn and finding your hand as a suitable replacement for the least resistance.

You’d expect huge crackling bolts of magic electricity to scar and burn your skin. It didn’t even hurt you, in fact it felt quite pleasant, recharging even. Aside from that, the source of the magic was ready to blow.

“Are you ready for the final move?” you ask downward.

Luna was too busy sucking you off to hear that. You took your hand off of her horn and tapped her on the cheek. Stepping back your meat was released with a pleasant pop as Luna pouted at you.

“We had thou on the ropes! Tis not fair to suddenly stop now, as we are so close too!”

“I know that Moonass, that’s why you forced my hand to use the final technique.”

You stepped forward to perform the finishing blow. And slipped in some pretty pony princess pussy juice. You’re not sure how you missed it in the first place, the bottoms of your shoes had been soaked for the last 5 minutes.

“Fuck” is all you can mutter as you careen to the floor. With a sick splat you feel the result of your work slowly soak itself into your shirt and pants.

“I smell like a blueberry air freshener.” you spoke upwards. Luna only looked slightly mortified as you casually laid in her love puddle. “So uh, do we... keep going?” you ask. She’s still staring at you. You picked yourself up, dripping the puddle back onto the floor. “I’m gonna, uh, take all this off if that’s ok.” She slowly nodded at you.

Peeling your shirt off gave Luna the sight she was waiting for. Shirtless you. It wasn’t even a rare sight to be honest, you’d wander the castle and town in just your undies. Twilight would then come by and magic on some clothes and mutter something about tempting the masses. Hypocrite she was, she doesn’t even wear clothes.

Clothes now off, Luna kept looking you up and down. You’re just a lanky lad and not much else. Fit on the outside but not in, cardio is a bitch. “Welp, I guess we just... go back at it. But let's add something fun in now.” With that you pulled your tongue right up the length of her horn. She gasped aloud and you could feel her shudder in place. Luna was still close to finishing despite the little interruption, sparks were starting to form on the tip of her horn again. That said, you took a good portion of it down your throat. You could be a professional sword swallower if you tried, these alicorn horns are pointy as fuck.

“F-fuck us...” Luna moaned in her silly old horse speak.

You chuckled at that, and that in turn sent a shockwave of pleasure directly into her head.

“O Ye Gods Anonymous! We’re cumming!” she shouted, but not in the super duper loud voice.

‘We’re cumming? I haven’t came yet... what is she talking about?’ was all you were thinking as a powerful blast of magic nearly ripped out the back of your throat. Coughing and sputtering you managed to swallow most of the blueberry magic but some instead found its way in your nose. Ever had a particularly spicy burp after drinking a soda and having it burn your nostrils as it came up? It feels like that but ten times worse.

“GAH! FUCK! IT’S IN MY FUCKING NOSE! SHIT!”

You just ran around the room and yelled as Luna wobbled in place.

“MY FACE IS FUCKING MELTING! CHRIST ALMIGHTY MAKE IT STOP!”

A quick sneeze from you launched the remaining liquid magic onto a curtain, which promptly ignited itself.

The door then burst open revealing the other three princesses and your partners in crime.

“Oh hiya guys.” you casually waved at them all. Each pony had the same expression of confusion and arousal looking into the aftermath of your shenanigans with Luna. All except Pinkie who just kept the same giant grin since you last saw her, and frankly since you first met her.

The room in particular was in shambles. The smashed bed had found itself in even more spread out pieces, multiple things were now on fire and smoking, you were clothesless, sporting a hardon with your pantaloons arounds your thighs, and Luna was passed out in the pool of her own cum.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY SISTER YOU LUNATIC!” Celestia shouted at you.

“Uhhhhhh, she started it.” That was a blatant lie, but you still pointed at the still body of Luna hoping it’d work.

“YOU THINK I CAN’T SEE THROUGH THIS FAÇADE?!” was her response, which included charging her horn up.

“Ohgodohfuckpleasedon’tturnmeintoapileofmushshitfuckahfuck” you screamed while running in circles, avoiding Celestia’s gatling gun of a horn shooting deadly lasers.

“Anon!” Twilight shouted at you, “Just stand still!”

“Are you more retarded than normal right now? SHE’S GONNA MELT ME!” you screamed back.

“Just do it you tall bastard!” she retorted.

“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!” you shrieked as you slid to a halt, Luna’s self lubrication doing its job somewhat as it propelled you across the room. A bright gold beam of the strongest magic in Equestria was then fired from the currently conscious sister directly at your chest, which to yours and Celestia’s surprise, bounced off, again.

“I swear Anon, you’ve taken fifteen times the lethal dose of magic multiple times now and you’ve been surprised every time it’s happened.”

“Don’t blame me you crazy bitch! It’s fucking scary!”

“Ok, fine. How about this? Where are your clothes?” Twilight deadpanned to you. You simply pointed to the cum soaked articles on the ground. “Ok, first off, gross. Secondly, why are you arcing lightning everywhere?”

Sure enough, those navy blue bolts were going haywire, jumping from each cum-puddle footprint across the floor directly into your body. You waved your arms in a rainbow shape, waggling your fingers simply whispering “magic.”

“Yes I get it’s magic Anon, but what kind of magic?” Twimple replied.

That’s right, magic is an actual thing and not some blow off answer to something you don’t understand. “Ain’t my magic Twiginometry, it’s all blue like Luna. It just likes me.” you smiled.

“Wowie! All this glowy stuff sure likes you Nonnie!” said a muffled voice... from within... your chest?

“Oh god oh fuck please tell me you are not actually inside if me right now Pinkie PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CHEST!” you screamed at the sugar horse.

“Fine, fine, sheesh.” she responded, before tumbling out of the wardrobe adjacent to you.

“I’m going to drink myself to death tonight. I pray that you didn’t fuck with my liver.”

Somehow back next to the group of ponies she responded, “Oh don’t be such a baby, livers grow back.” She whispered to Cadence, “they actually do but I have to keep this gag going!~” Pinkie took the time to pull out a notepad and quickly scanned it over. “And with that, I’ve fulfilled the reference quota!” Pulling on a pair of swim goggles and a excessively long snorkel, Pinkie climbed up the wardrobe, bent her knees, and dived into the cum puddle. No drips, splashes or kerplunks, Pinkie’s dive sent her into the unknown, and out of the room.

“I’m gonna learn how to do that, mark my fucking worms.” you proclaimed towards the remaining ponies.

“Your... worms?” Asked Cadence. “Don’t you mean your words?”

“No, you Bubblegum Dum Dum, I mean my fucking worms.” An awkward silence washed over all of you, no one really sure as how to respond to your ramblings. “Anyway, Twilight darling, I ate more magic again and I feel really tingly. Like I ate a whole bucket of batteries. Specifically 9 volts. No, I haven’t eaten 9 volt batteries if you’re thinking that. Not at all. Don’t think about it.”

“Did you ingest Luna’s magic!? This is an unprecedented danger factor Anon! An unknown entity harnessing the power of two alicorns? What will happen to your body? Think of the questions! The science... oh yeah, the unf~, research, ahhh~” Twilight degraded into a half-lidded mess, mumbling about repeat trials and exponential variables. Something from behind you finally made some noise, the shuffling sound of hooves weakly made its way by your side.

“Thank the heavens,” Celestia sighed, “Are you alright Luna? What did he do to you?”

“Thoust would not be able to dream of what fair Anonymous here has done to us,” the blue princess purred, “and frankly we wish to see what else he would be willing to do~”

“Yeah that’s right, just wait and see what I can do! C’mon Cellophane, I’ll do ya good just like Luna, no strings attached! Lemme see what that magic tastes like!” you joked, but not really. Three alicorn powers in you? That’d be rad. Celestia’s snout flushed red, the blood rush either embarrassment or rage that you had the audacity to say those words.

Your quip was enough to gather Twilight’s attention again, as the mumbling pony shook her head and immediately got back into science mode. “I just said two alicorn magic sources were dangerous, don’t you bucking dare try for a third Anon!”

“Yeah, but think of all the science Twi,” you teased.

“Science or not, all that sexy, sexy science, we can’t just expect everything to work out because whatever deus ex you’ve come up with said it’ll all work out.”

“Well, that sounds cool and all, but I still want to learn how this magic stuff works. It not like I can just incant from the bottom of my heart and fire off a spell,” you say grumpily.

“Actually,” Twilight sighs, “that’s exactly how it works. Unicorn magic at least, is purely emotional. And you Anon, being so incredibly smug and dense, should easily be able to tap into that power without much focus. All you need is to know what you really want, and visualize it happening. Levitation, teleportation, any transmutation spells are all perfect examples about the understanding of what you can do with picturing it in the eye of your heart.”

That really does wrap it all up in a nice bow for you. You got so angry at Golden Badge that you kamehameha’d the fucker. Twice. “So I just gotta feel, something? Like a specific emotion?” you ask.

“Starting out yes. Focusing on a feeling is the way all foals start, and by the time they reach an understanding of the basics, magic will latch onto a latent emotion they constantly show. For you Anon, it would easily latch onto the smugness you emit.” Twilight looked warily at you. She had good reasons, like you were a ticking time bomb of powerful princess magic.

“So get me right here, all I have to do is focus hard,” you begin, starting to think about all the trouble you caused, what all that chaos felt like to you, “and imagine what I want to do?” Rushing feelings of schadenfreude spread through your body and you turned to Luna. A single offensive digit on your hand began to hum and glow bright green.

“What are you doing Anonymous?” Celestia cautiously asked. She couldn’t stop anything you wanted. No one here could. You began to point at the blue princess and simply said your magic rhyme:

“Skippity do, skippity dee, make this princess talk like me!”

A snap of your fingers and a green flash disoriented you for a second, like an unexpected camera flash sending your vision to another plane of existence. Sparks and swirls of the same color lingered around your hand and the target of your spell. “What have you done Anon? What have you done to me!?” Luna shouted. “Wait, am I... not speaking in the old dialect?”

“Thank the stars you’re alright Luna,” worried Celestia. “And thank them again you’re not speaking like that anymore. By my own mane I was getting so annoyed with it. Anonymous, thank you for this, and buck you for just firing a spell on my sister. If I could actually use magic against you, I would most likely have vaporized you already.”

“Hey!” you and Luna both objected at the same time.

“Aye ya know what, fuck this.” you stated to the room. “I’ve had enough of this for today. I just wanna go back to Ponyville and eat an entire bakery’s worth of bread.”

“Well you managed to break the seal of the summit by interrupting our meeting, so I guess you’re free to head home Anon.” Luna said to you. “But before you go,” she reached up and hooked a hoof around your neck, pulling you to her level. With a quick kiss, she tapped her horn against your forehead, placing an image within. “Within your mind’s eye I’ve placed the image of the castle. Feel free to teleport here when you learn it.”

“Radical,” you mutter.

“Speaking of teleporting,” Twilight started, “nopony here can get you back to Ponyville that fast. You’re going to have to take the train back.”

“Oof, I haven’t taken the metro in forever. Hope I don’t see anymore passed out heroin junkies sitting in their own filth. For a prosperous city in America, the government aided transport was fucking terrible in quality.”

The present princesses visibly cringed at that statement, a lack of general information from you paint this as the norm on Earth. “Anyway,” Celestia of them all piped up, “I shall issue you a royal ticket, which will allow you free passage to and from the city for the time while you hone your magical abilities. And since Luna has taken a liking to you,” she sighed, “I shall inform the guards to not get in a tissy when you inevitably pop in for visits.”

“Do you guys even have drugs here?” you asked, completely ignoring the perfect olive branch Celestia was extending. “Like everyone is so goddamn happy, it makes no sense. If so, does Pinkie make them because that’d be the most logical thing I’ve heard all day.”

“I can get you some cortisone if that’s what you’re implying, since your skin is still glowing Anon,” said the ever so astute Twinky. “And some clothes too, so let me just...” Twilight picked up your sopping wet clothes with her telekinetic grasp, wrung the cum out, and popped them into god knows where to immediately clean them up.

“I better not slip in that new puddle,” you commented rather bluntly. With a satisfying pop your clothes were once again upon your body, warm and dry. “You didn’t clean these too well Twinkle, I uh, still smell like blueberry pie.” Luna reached up and bopped you on the back of the head, a meaty whack emanating in the room.

“Shut the fuck up Anon.” Luna deadpanned to you. Your spell might’ve worked too well, seeing that she’s using your favorite word.

***

One awkward farewell later, you find yourself alone on the train. An actual train. Like a chugga chugga choo choo train, whistles and all. Sure the following cabins looked like Hansel and Gretel were about to go to town on em’, but it was an actual fucking train. After you had presented your golden ticket to the ticketmaster, you bashed your head on the entryway’s frame. Train doors are even lower than normal pony doors, and you’ve been taking the larger than normal castle doors for granted. A string of slurs and obscenities came from your mouth, and while most of them had no meaning here, a considerable amount of mothers took the liberty to cover their young’s ears to muffle the words they wished them to not know.

So here you are, bored as all hell. This train ride is lengthy enough, but all you have to do is jack squat. No phone, nothing to read, nada. But as the train brakes to make a sharper turn, a crumpled ball of paper rolls out from under one of the seats. Covered in questionable stains and sauces, there’s no way in hell you’re touching it. But what if you didn’t need to? Focusing your heart and brain, you see a random finger glow, and imagine that ball of trash rising up, and for a short while it does! Just as you start feeling some pride, the magic fizzles out and the ball drops back down. This is going to be a long train ride, but at least you have something to work on now.