ENCRYPTED MISSION LOG - SOL 288.5

Aaand I’m back.

I usually try to avoid multiple log entries: I’m a mission specialist in botany, not journaling.

That said, I have some more thoughts on the matter, which seem to be running through my head over and over like a caffeine-loaded hamster on a well-greased wheel.

I won’t deny that I’ve done my best over the past few hours to remember each and every thing about equine sexual habits and breeding that I can. For all the good it may do. To pretend the two species are even remotely related is a bit of stretch, and even if they were… Well let’s just say that if someone tried to discern the courting habits of modern humans living in Chicago from the mating habits of bonobos… it would make for an interesting tinder date to say the least (for those not in the know, the range of bonobos social activities include penis fencing, sex to say hello, sex to say “how are you”, sex to say “not bad, how about you”... heck even if they sneeze I think that they’ll end up boning in some way.

Suffice it to say, I’ll be mightily surprised if my pink-wizard friend trots in front of me, hikes her tail, urinates on the dirt, then expects me to lap that up and exhibit the flehmen response before mounting her… and now that hamster is really going.

There’s definitely a big part of me that wants to just say no way, Jose at this point. But I know what’s at stake here - Dragonfly may be a bit of a manipulative little social engineer of a cuddlebug, but that just means she really knows just how difficult this is for Starlight and me… and by corollary induction, how critically important it is for her to do this. Dragonfly is definitely mission critical - the least I can do is try, for her sake. I like the little bug.

I’m still wondering why I’m even writing these logs. Even if I don’t scrub these before we leave this rock, NASA is pretty notorious for being guarded about extra-curricular activities in space.

Since we really are distant relatives of bonobos, we humans really do have an obsession with sex, and our space exploration is no exception to that fascination. ‘Has anyone had sex in space?’ is pretty much everyone’s second or third question about space. I can tell you, even as an ‘insider’ astronaut, nobody’s spilling the beans. Maybe Teddy has a secret vault under his desk that has all data on micro-gravity sex positions, replete with full audio and video.

Not that it would be the most titillating (heh, ‘titillating’) material. Sex in microgravity would run into issues with basic Newtonian mechanics once things started bumping into each other. Even using stability tools like bands or restraints (and not the fun types) so that tab A and slot B don’t go bouncing off every surface in the spacecraft in opposite directions (like some weird, sexual version of pong), things only get grosser from there…

You see, in microgravity, fluids work much differently. Surface tension of water-based liquids dominates. If you try to wring out a soaked towel in space, you end up with a weird, shimmering coating of water encasing your now damp cloth. Now imagine two naked bodies coated in a sheen of sweat and other grody fluids. It won’t help that air doesn’t circulate great in micro-gravity either. You’d have to make sure that there is enough circulation to avoid hot spots and even pockets of built up CO2 which could cause asphyxia (again, not the fun type… not that I’m into that).

So long story short, aside from speculative rumors about Mark Lee and Jan Davis (who married each other shortly before flying up on the shuttle… where they would have been constantly in the presence of other crew-members: unlikely to convince the wife on THAT locale), people in the know assumed we astronauts are essentially stoic, Benedictine monks while on mission.

But those who are REALLY in the know, have realized that while sex is a difficult activity to pull off in microgravity, wanking off isn’t… Definitely NASA’s best kept secret until ISS astronaut Ron Garan let slip in a reddit AMA that astronauts could find some solo ‘quiet time’ in the larger space of the ISS. Though really, if you look closely, it isn’t that hard to tell. For instance, male urine toilet adapter hoses have specific requirements to be able to accept more viscous fluids for expulsion and have corresponding vacuum strengths allowing for just that.

That’s right NASA, I’m blowing the cover wide open on this, since these logs are never getting published anyway! The Hermes’s space-toilet BJ action wasn’t really that good after the first time I tried it though, it’s loud, cold, dispassionate, and it sucks a little too hard… not unlike my last ex (take THAT Deborah) ... maybe the ISS or shuttle toilets were a bit more enjoyable.

No, the better method was definitely the good ol’ fashioned ‘five-finger-girlfriend’. If it was good enough for the Mercury, Gemini, and Apollo astronauts, it’s good enough for me! Not that anything was ever confirmed, but those guys were navy, air force, and marines… I’ve met enough of those folks to know that checking off locales where you’ve busted a nut is a point of personal pride - how could you not add surface of moon to that?

Well… maybe not, but still.

Anyway, everyone on Hermes had their own favorite spots, though you wouldn’t talk about it. You just knew when someone headed off to ‘check the wiring’ you knew to avoid that section of the ship for a little while. Also guys out there, let me tell you from personal experience, a date with Palmela Handerson in zero-G is more difficult than it sounds: without the help of vacuum or gravity to keep blood flowing and your noodle growing, you can get a serious case of whiskey dick. A firm grip with one hand or an improvised ring is a MUST (man, I could write for Playboy)!

No, I always liked the gravity ring. It may be a bit boring, but familiar territory makes the entire process MUCH easier. And I didn’t stop when we landed either. Well, I did... I don’t mean I was just constantly… you get the point. I don’t quite remember the first time I found some ‘private time’ here, the addition of guests from another dimension certainly didn’t help things, nor did the multiple attempts of the planet to kill me (that tends to reduce your desire to rub one out), but when things start to get routine… well… why not?

The decontamination shower has been my spot of choice… until the cave was fully secured. Heading out into one of the more private nooks, I won’t deny I’ve helped to ‘fertilize’ Mars’s soil in more ways than one, if you catch my drift.

I will deny that my imagination was straying to any of my crewmates though. Plenty of material from Daisy and other memories were enough for me. I’ve got a good imagination. If you tried to claim that the always-on-display sets of buttholes and lady bits I catch glimpses of constantly had EVER formed a part of my internal cinema, I would deny it up and down. Even if you were to tell me that watching Spitfire and Cherry go through morning back stretches, doing the pony equivalent of the ‘downward dog’ yoga pose, was a sight that any red-blooded male would drool at… I would simply shake my head. I am a rock. Chaste. Immune to their pony wiles!

Man, that hamster is running quickly right now: I’ve been rambling far too much.

I see Dragonfly coming back my way. She’s been acting as the go-between for Starlight and me this afternoon, the equivalent of passing notes in 3rd grade. She’s rather good at being a chaperone / concierge / matchmaker / inter-dimensional chitin-covered pimp, though.

After my initial reaction to her perfectly reasonable and impassioned plea for me to co-star in her little Martian sex-show (essentially just picture me saying ‘Bwaaaah?’ and my jaw hanging open while I tried to reboot my brain for about five minutes), I think she realized that I might not be the suave, smooth, lady-killer mare pick-up artist most people take me for.

So, she’s been playing Cyrano de Bergerac for the both of us… It’s getting a bit ridiculous though, every time I try to meet Starlight’s ye across the hab, she very quickly tries to find something else to do. I think we gotta talk through this or it’s gonna be a disaster when we’re down to the final countdown. Call me a die-hard astronaut, but I kind of hope we get some procedures worked out prior to this launch.

Maybe the bug is bringing me that right now.

Mark shut the lid of his laptop, looking up at Dragonfly, who was slinking over to Mark from the bunk area.

“Hey Mark.” She buzzed casually, seemingly totally unaffected by the impending situation.

“Hey Dragonfly,” Mark choked out, his voice halfway cracking as he spoke, belying just how much pressure he was feeling. Seeing Dragonfly smirk her toothy grin at his lack of comfort, Mark reached up with a free hand to rub his temple, before dropping his voice conspiratorially. “Hey, I know I’ve asked this before… but are you sure you want ME to do… this?”

Dragonfly nodded, putting one hoof over Mark’s hand. “Yep, one hundred percent.”

“Why not Fireball, or Spitfire or Cherry or…”

“Well,” Dragonfly waved him off, “couple of reasons there. Dragons, as far as I’ve been made aware, don’t really get into rut but once every hundred years or so. And while Spitfire and Cherry do have nicer butts than you…”

“Hey!” Mark protested.

Dragonfly shrugged, “Eh, it’s true… but I don’t think either is into mares so much, so I don’t think it would work out so well. But most importantly of all...” Dragonfly shrugged then leaned in even closer to Mark, “Starlight definitely likes you.”

Mark’s eyes went open slightly and he straightened slightly. “Huh. Really?”

Dragonfly nodded. “Yeah. I can’t blame her. You’re definitely still a stink-monkey in my books, but you’ve grown on me. You’re a good guy Mark. A bit patronizing and coddling at times… and annoying as Tartarus ALL the time… but you’re kinda cute once you get used to the other stuff. I think she sees that in you… not to mention all the nerd-outs you two are always sharing.”

“Stop,” Mark rolled his eyes, “my ears are blushing.”

“I’m serious.” Dragonfly pouted, “I’m definitely forcing things to a head, but this wouldn’t even be worth trying if Starlight didn’t find you attractive.” The changeling’s grin became a bit predatory, “You’re her big, smelly, love-predator. A handsome, sexy stink-monkey!”

“Did she say that?” Mark asked skeptically, not believing the mischievous little bug.

Now it was Dragonfly’s turn to roll her eyes. “Of course not, Starlight’s a bit shy about these things… but I’m a changeling Mark. Tasting the true underlying emotions is just what I do.”

“Uh huh.” Mark crossed his arms over his chest, unconvinced.

“Yeah huh.” Dragonfly persisted, “Just like how I can taste your emotions on this… as excited as a high school colt in spring.”

“What? Me!?” Mark pointed at himself. “Are you sure your emotional radar is tuned in right?”

“Admit it, you think she’s cute as a button.” Dragonfly laughed. “I saw… I tasted all your little bursts of affection that popped up every time she assigned us homework on fantasy or science concepts, or when you’d both go down the rabbit-hole discussing the endless magical-science concepts that would have the rest of us snoring. And…” Dragonfly prodded Mark’s shoulder, “I can tell/ when you’re looking at her flank, talk about your pink energy flares.”

“Hey, I thought you weren’t allowed to touch the stuff!”

“Just because I wasn’t consuming it didn’t mean I couldn’t sense it…” Dragonfly chuckled, “I’d have to be blind, I could be on the other side of the hab and know that Starlight was either on her back or had swished her tail up, because of the response from you.”

“OK OK.” Mark hissed, worried that Dragonfly might be speaking too loudly. “Man, that is totally an unfair evolutionary advantage. I wish I had you in high-school, you’d have saved me a lot of awkward date rejections.”

“Aww, poor Mark.” Dragonfly giggled again, “Well, at least I can guarantee you that you won’t be rejected on this date.”

Mark let out a breath, that he hadn’t even known he’d been holding in. “So… how do we do this?”

Dragonfly cocked her head in the other direction now. “What do you mean?”

“Like… how does this work… what are we gonna do?”

Dragonfly shook her head slowly. “Wow, didn’t expect I’d have to run through the basics with you, though I guess that sense of humor is pretty grating. Well Mark, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very m-”

Mark bopped the changeling on the head. “Ha ha. Now get serious. I get the basics, but there could be a lot of difference between humans and ponies in how we do things. You can help with that, you’ve read a lot of my library, so you should have a decent idea of my side of the picture… and I can fill in any gaps. Now on the pony-side: Are there any… uh… techniques… or taboos… or tips that you can give me?”

“Nah.”

Mark frowned and pinched his brow. “...nah? What do you mean, nah?”

“It’s way more fun if you guys have to awkwardly fumble through things. Half of the meal is the awkward moments and embarrassing misunderstandings.” Dragonfly grinned evilly.

Mark’s hands slid up to Dragonfly’s shoulders, momentarily making the changeling worried that he might move them further up to grasp her neck and choke her out of frustration. “Now listen here, you scamp.” Mark growled, “I have a distinct impression that you’re having way too much fun. I’ve gone more than 18 months without getting any and I can happily go another 18 months and let your little bug-butt starve.” Mark joked threateningly.

Dragonfly smiled nervously, inwardly happy that she’d managed to defuse some of Mark’s anxiety, redirecting it cleverly into excitement, frustration, and humor. “Alright alright, my plan is for us to go out to the cave tomorrow, just us three. I’ll make sure everything goes… uh… where it’s supposed to.” Dragonfly couldn’t help herself though, she had to add just a little more... “But… this evening when it’s movie time, I want you to make sure you sit next to Starlight.”

“Huh? Why?”

Dragonfly carefully removed Mark’s hands from her shoulders, preparing for a quick escape. “An emotional meal is like fine dining, Mark. It’s even better if everything has been stewing in a marinade of awkward sexual tension, you see.”

Dragonfly dodged the ill-aimed head bop Mark had attempted, dancing away with a laugh that made Cherry Berry look up from her alfalfa-potato salad on the other side of the hab.

Starlight sat up nervously on her bunk as the chuckling Dragonfly danced over toward her from the kitchen area, fresh from her discussion with mark.

“Hey Starlight.” She buzzed, still grinning.

“H-hey Dragonfly…” Starlight squeaked, as the bug sat down next to her. “Hey, y’know… I know I’ve asked this before… but… are you sure that you want ME to do this?”

Dragonfly looked over at Starlight, her face deadpan. It was almost like they had coordinated their anxious responses. Sighing, she steeled herself for another pep talk. “Yep, a hundred percent.” Dragonfly saw Starlight’s eyes racing over their crewmates, all in the act of doing free-time activities and decided to cut her off, “and no… I don’t think anyone else is well suited, and let me tell you why.”

Starlight’s eyes widened slightly, and she shut her mouth.

Dragonfly looked deeply into the unicorn’s eyes before going on. “I’ve got a few reasons. First: I know you’re in heat. And you have been stuck in that state for months”

Starlight sat up straighter, like she’d been shocked by an electric charge. “H-h-how… I mean… no I’m not.”

“Please Starlight, you’re a terrible liar,” Dragonfly huffed. “Let’s set aside the fact that every day you head into the back of the cave with Mark’s sample-collecting shovel to ‘test’ the soil. Only to come back ten minutes later with a grin and a soaking shovel handle.”

A sputtering Starlight found herself fighting to maintain composure amidst a burning blush of embarrassment. “Wh-... no I don’t! I always dry it… I mean I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Dragonfly sighed and patted Starlight’s leg. “I mean that’s not all that led me to suspect. I know that Spitfire and Cherry make have done a little ‘soil sampling’ themselves… though you’ve definitely got the record set…” Dragonfly paused and sighed before continuing, still under her breath. “No, it’s also the fact that you’ve been casting a small masking spell every day to suppress the usual musk, sweats and tail-lifts that come with heats, so the others won’t notice. It was definitely clever… would have worked too if you didn’t forget that I can sense magic too.” Dragonfly pointed at her horn.

Starlight groaned, slumping backward and flopping onto her bunk. “Just how long have you known?” Starlight squeaked out, mortified at the thought that her awkward secret had been revealed.

“Pretty much right from the start.” Dragonfly shrugged. “And I never got what the big deal was. Everypony goes through heat, nobody would judge you for-”

“Because it’s embarrassing! It’s private! It’s inconvenient!” Starlight growled, slapping her hooves against the bunk-top.

“More embarrassing, private and inconvenient than digging through and mixing your poop, or hearing you fill the toilet box behind a paper-thin curtain?” Dragonfly asked with an arched eyebrow. “Because we have all literally done just that.”

“OK, first off: we don’t talk about that.” Starlight’s face was not amused. “Second: it’s different.”

Dragonfly twisted a hoof toward the ceiling in question. “How, exactly?”

“It just is, OK?” Starlight huffed. “Talking about sex is still… weird for me, alright? When I went into heat while we were prepping the cave it was horrible.” Starlight threw her forehooves above her head on the bunk. “I tried to isolate the cause - maybe it was the increased sun exposure from the solar window-prisms… or maybe it was my burst-like use of magic… in the end I never figured out what it was… just that it wouldn’t stop. Not after a few days, or a few weeks… and now it’s been four months.”

Dragonfly grimaced in sympathy for her friend. “Oomph. I’ve never heard of a pony being in heat for that long.”

Starlight groaned. “Neither have I. It could be the magic environment, or the suppressants interacting with my system in a weird way, or this dimension. But you know what I think?” Starlight lifted herself up onto her elbows. “I think this planet just hates me.”

“Yeah.” Dragonfly nodded in commiseration. “I get that feeling too. How bad is it. The heat flashes I mean.”

Starlight chewed her cheek as she considered briefly. “Not too bad. A light heat if I were to compare it to back home. So, there’s some small comfort at least.” She blew a strand of her mane that fallen across her face out of the way. “When it flares up I get achy and dopey… then I start to get a bit moist and… oh Celestia why am I telling you this?”

“Hey, I’m here to help.” Dragonfly smiled, “Do you get uh… winks.”

“N-not often. I keep my tail tucked down if I feel one coming on.” Starlight replied, “and when the flashes go away… or I do some ‘sample collection’... I can almost forget about it until the next one comes on.”

Dragonfly nodded, then smirked a little. “Do you think of Mark ever?”

Starlight’s eyes flashed over and met Dragonfly’s, her ears flicking slightly. She hadn’t been expecting the question, and the former changeling-infiltrator could read Twilight’s protege like a book: bingo.

“N-no. Usually Sunburst, or just some random stallion.” Starlight lied blatantly, and she knew at once that Dragonfly saw through her as the bug merely arched an eyebrow back at her. “OK… yeah, sometimes. I like his eyes… and his legs… and his flanks...” Starlight’s voice became progressively softer and distant as she looked across the hab at where Mark was sitting, quickly looking away when the human started to realize he was being watched. “Celestia this is so embarrassing.”

Dragonfly wrapped a hoof around Starlight’s shoulders and squeezed tightly. “Nah, it really isn’t… he likes you a lot too, y’know?”

Now it was Starlight’s turn to give Dragonfly an askew glance. “Yeah. Right. Dragonfly… I’m a pony to him. They don’t have other sapient creatures on their planet. To them, anything that isn’t their own species is bestiality… at least from what I’ve read and seen.” Starlight shook her head. “I never wanted to outright say it, but there’s probably a part of Mark that sees us as animals.”

Dragonfly clicked her tongue softly. “Nah, trust me on this. He thinks you’re cute.”

“And that’s another problem - he was treating us like children: he probably saw as as cute little helpl-”

“OK, scratch that.” Dragonfly groaned, getting annoyed with Starlight’s whining. “He sees you as sexy-cute. He likes your butt more than anything else, if I had to guess. Typical male.”

That quieted Starlight down. Dragonfly saw and felt the beginnings of a smile forming on Starlight’s face.

“Did he say that?”

“Pretty much.” Dragonfly grinned - sometimes it was too easy. “He likes you Starlight. You two have spent a ton of time together, talking about every nerdy thing in the universe. In two universes, even.” She let her mischievous side come to the surface. “Besides, he already poked you with his ‘horn’ when you two were al-”

“Hey!” Starlight grunted, pushing the bug off her. She still found reference to ‘the incident’ on the first rover trip difficult to discuss. Still, as Dragonfly flopped to the bunk top chuckling, Starlight found herself begin to laugh as well.

Dragonfly knew she’d done it again: transformed that tension and anxiety into frustration and humor, just like she’d been doing with all the crew throughout their ongoing ordeal. It wasn’t manipulation, it was survival.

Starlight’s chuckling tapered off and she stole a quick glance at Mark before flopping down next to the bug on the bunk. With a conspiratorial gleam in her eye, she whispered, “...OK, so let’s say we’re gonna do this… just how exactly are we gonna pull this off? I mean…” Starlight looked over briefly at the human, who was once again typing on his laptop, “...will ‘it’ even fit?

Dragonfly grinned toothily and patted Starlight on her hoof. “Don’t worry Starlight… you read ‘Ringworld’ right?”

Starlight nodded.

“Just like Niven said, we’ll find a way.” Dragonfly winked, making Starlight smirk. “...Tomorrow though, at the cave.”

Starlight let out a little breath, her excitement at the prospect of tomorrow playing against her relief at not having to do… ‘it’ that evening.

“One thing though, Starlight.” Dragonfly mentioned as she got up from the bunk, starting to head back over to where the rest of the crew had started up an impromptu session of whiteboard Pictionary.

“Hm?”

“I need you to make sure that you sit next to Mark for movie time tonight… like as close as possible.”

Starlight nodded, blushing a little bit. “Uh, OK I guess… any reason why?”

“...marinade.”

Author's Note

Wow, this is altogether WAY too much fun.

So hopefully I'm hitting the right tone with this chapter again. I feel like I'm getting the voice of Starlight, Dragonfly, and Mark down pretty well, but I'm currently without an editor right now (hint hint if you're interested), so I'm really trusting to my own interpretation and your feedback in the comments afterward.

This chapter is really about how good Dragonfly is at converting the nervous, unsure and anxious tension into some humor and even a little excitement on the part of our two main participants.

I'd really love to hear your ideas and feedback in the comments: did I do Starlight a little too 'blushing bride' style? I kind of get that vibe from her (versus Spitfire who I'd see reacting a little more saucily), but definitely not the full on 'never-been-kissed' style. There's been some really interesting discussion about whether Starlight is actually romantically inexperienced (read: virgin) due to her background in the show as a filly who went on to become a cult leader, I'd be interested to hear your take.

In the context of my story though, Starlight has definitely been keeping some secrets... with Pegasi and Earth ponies, I think that exposure to sunlight and warmth (like what you get when you enter spring) is what would trigger the hormonal changes that send a mare into heat. With unicorns, though, most likely its a combination of the above, as well as magic usage... just make sense from a biological trigger point of view in my book.

Starlight's usage of spell energy in bursts, combined with a good deal of additional sunlight, and the strange diet (I also hinted at perhaps a strange reaction to suppressants, which I imagine they may have given to any female astronauts before a long-term mission like that of Amicitas) have confused poor Starlight's biology into pseudo-heat for a long period of time.

For Dragonfly, this is all gravy. I really enjoy writing her. She's a fun little bug!